DOD295: Fight Me, Children

Transcript

This transcript was generated automatically and may contain errors — the audio is the record.

0:00:02 Clip: I'm the cool dad. That's that's my thing. I know now what I can offer you that no one else can I'm a man. I'm sensitive. I need to feel loved. I need to be desired is the only part of being a father that I enjoy

0:00:28 Tom: To Dear Old Dads, the podcast that's just a better parent than you are. I'm Tom Curry. I'm joined, as always, by Thomas Smith and Eli Bosnick. Hello, gentlemen.

0:00:34 Thomas: Sorry. What?

0:00:38 Eli: Hey well

0:00:38 Thomas: Hey, any new listeners? That's That's a joke. That's not.

0:00:42 Tom: We are objectively better parents than you. I don't know who you are, but we are, it's just better. Just embrace it, Thomas. We're Just Better.

0:00:51 Eli: Not willing to roll those dice I'll roll them for you I'm willing to say tom's better dad than you probably thomas is probably a better dad than you outside thoughts I think maybe I don't know how good a dad are you hey

0:00:52 Thomas: I'm not comfortable with that. Yeah. Yeah,

0:01:05 Tom: Thoughts. Wait a minute, our inside thoughts do not count, right? We've got to establish that on

0:01:11 Eli: I feel like they they count. I, a lot of things that keep me up at night are the inside thoughts. So it better.

0:01:16 Thomas: I do you also have, like, a different, like, genre of dad? You know, like there's just one way to be a a dad you know what I mean like is might be like

0:01:21 Eli: I don't understand. I think you're wrong.

0:01:23 Tom: Like, bad. I'm just a bad dad. That's what I,

0:01:24 Thomas: Well there might

0:01:26 Eli: Oh, I'm an inside dad.

0:01:26 Thomas: Be dads with different there might be dad's with different specialties you know like one might be a black mage one might like a there's

0:01:31 Eli: I're an inside dad trying not to be a sick dad. That's That's, what I can tell you right now.

0:01:36 Thomas: Think there's there's parents that could be like that's the more just supportive loving parent that's going to like get like best out of you or something you know I mean it depends on what you want want? Do you want to just feel loved and supported, but then like, you're not interesting to your kids at all?

0:01:54 Tom: Be any of those like what if you want to be uninteresting so they leave you alone and then that's why you're not so

0:01:57 Thomas: There you go. That's a different,

0:01:58 Eli: Sure. Yeah. That'S a good, that'S a version of dad.

0:01:58 Thomas: Different kind, different genre of dad.

0:02:01 Tom: That's the tom genre like that's it that's just did I tell you the damning with faint praise that I got the other day from hazel and I don't think I mentioned this on this show so the other Day like the kids were razzing me about being old they like it's their favorite thing to do like they just especially aiming likes to call a big deal about how old I am I am extremely old I agree with that as it's not not true so

0:02:11 Thomas: You are very old.

0:02:20 Eli: Are extremely old. It's true. You're so close to being the dad I want to be.

0:02:26 Tom: Dead I want to be so

0:02:28 Eli: Yeah. I envy you in a lot lot of ways and I hope I tell you that enough but the way in which I envy you the most is how soon you get to die without people being mad at you she's taking walks now that was during the faking at times now she's fine she's

0:02:38 Tom: It's oh no I gotta live a long time Haley has made me promise that I'll die after her and longevity in her family so I'm I'm kind of screwed on that one

0:02:50 Thomas: Sucks

0:02:48 Eli: We'll get her hooked right up with a different podcaster

0:02:50 Thomas: To be you, man.

0:02:51 Tom: I know it believe me I know what I'm already older than her and her family lives into the hundreds so I'm I'm really screwed

0:02:56 Eli: Checking the podcaster chat about who has dibs on hayley after you die but I think it I think we already figured this out so you don't don't even trip dog

0:03:04 Tom: It's fine it's fine okay so there's a there's a chain of succession so but amon's making fun of me

0:03:09 Eli: Actually had dibs but but he got married, so who does that revert? Thomas, are you on this chat?

0:03:12 Thomas: I thought it was like of all podcasts is like joe rogan you know or something like different

0:03:16 Tom: Whoa hey no I'll live forever I'll live forever hun don't worry about it I got it I got it

0:03:21 Eli: If Joe Rogan had secondary dibs on my wife, I too would live to eternity.

0:03:26 Thomas: I do that that's how we do it guys that's how we get eli to live forever we figured it out joe rogan gets and

0:03:31 Eli: Depression evaporated. Yep. Importantly, just to protect poor Joe.

0:03:38 Tom: I is making fun of you about how old and decrepit and whatever I am you know and like Aislinn ever rising to my defense turns to him and says hey hey he doesn't look nearly as bad as some of the other dads out there and I was just like some so we could just go with all I could just wrap them up in there like just kind of give Give me that extra little, little nudge. But she was coming. She was rising to my defense and damning me with faint praise.

0:04:10 Thomas: You just realizing I had uh maybe the opposite of that which is like Like, I think an accidental compliment because my kids aren't old enough to like, I like it's similar where they are saying the truth because I the other day, you know, now that I'm fucking 40, I don't want to say it out loud because it's too fucking old. But the día, you knows, like, oh, I know what it was. It was yet the millionth time where Arlo, it just can't understand that. I can't remember every fucking video game thing ever. Like, it's it's gets a little old. I think I've talked about it before, but he'll be like, yeah, no. no, that level is with that, you know, that Morton Koopa is the one that's the fucking whatever. And I'm like, cool, man. I love that. But I don't know that. I've never will remember that. Yes, I've played these games longer than you have. No, I don't have any idea which Koopa is what name. I have no idea. I don't know. I'm just, you're different than me. I don't know. But anyway, for shorthand, he was like, how do you not remember? I was like ah, you know, I'm old. And the funny thing was like he, I can't remember if it was him or him him and Phoebe were like, you're not old. And I was like, I

0:04:26 Eli: So old.

0:05:13 Thomas: Was like, Oh, was weird. Cause like, I don't actually know what that's based off of. Like, I don't, I actually don't like, cause this it's is a new thing. I haven't, been, I it'd be one thing if like, you know, Lydia and I had a, routine of I'm, I'm old and she's like, no, you're not. And then they were mimicking that, but it was actually, I think just a genuine, like maybe for the kids old means like with a cane or something, you don't know what I mean? Like, old probably means whatever the cartoon archetype of old is, because that's what everything is for kids for a while.

0:05:40 Tom: Well, in the Curry house, old means Tom. That's I just want. Yeah.

0:05:43 Thomas: Well, that's true.

0:05:44 Tom: So, yeah, it's right.

0:05:44 Thomas: I think if you were there, he would have been like, that fucking guy is old. Look, Jesus.

0:05:47 Tom: That fucking piece of shit.

0:05:49 Thomas: And I would have Been like, you know what, Arlo, you're right.

0:05:52 Thomas: I feel like very young. But no, it was kind of sweet. Of Like, took me aback for a second. He's like, You're not old. I was like, Oh, yeah, I guess not. I didn't know what to say.

0:05:52 Tom: You're right. He's not wrong.

0:06:05 Thomas: It was sweet though.

0:06:01 Eli: Yeah yeah yeah but

0:06:06 Tom: You. Think I've got like maybe another two years before the beard is completely gray and I'm full Santa. And then there's no way there's no way because it's it's probably 75 percent all gray at this point so that doesn't help oh

0:06:19 Thomas: don'T know if this is a stupid thing I'm about to say, but isn't it Weird that like when you trim your beard, all of a sudden it's less gray and you're younger. Isn'T that weird? Like the longer, is it just me? Like, the longer your beard is, the more you can, no, no.

0:06:30 Tom: That's so adorable yeah no way yeah

0:06:33 Eli: Definitely on this podcast it's just you

0:06:36 Thomas: You can see, no no. What I'm saying.

0:06:37 Tom: When you're when youre working with 75 80 percent gray it's just gray it just yeah

0:06:41 Thomas: But there's something about, there's nothing about like the shortness that hides the gray a little bit. You know what what I mean like it like when you have a long gray beard you're fucking santa claus I'm agreeing with you like if you have like stubble and it's gray or you know like it doesn't look as old somehow I don't know it's it's a trick I'm not saying you know what I'm saying it's not a fashion trick oh

0:07:01 Tom: So feel like gray stubble and maybe this is just because I associate this with my own dad but I feel like gray stubble makes you look look like to me like gray stubble like because the only time my dad wouldn't shave is if he was unwell like my dad would shave every morning you know weekends weekdays

0:07:16 Thomas: As opposed to like clean face you're saying oh okay I

0:07:19 Tom: So I feel like if it's just in the stubble zone for sure like and especially if it's gray it's like oh like I've only ever seen my dad with gray stubBLE when he was like really unwell you know

0:07:29 Thomas: Just love how different we are like stubBLE to me would mean I shaved more than I've ever shaved in my life that's what stubble would mean for me so that's why I was confused sorry forgot your dad fought in world war ii and

0:07:43 Eli: Yeah to shave with john kennedy's razor but gentlemen you know the only thing worse than seeing that weird my wife died and I forget to shave man face why it's the auto ads the the old man face of your podcasting experience. But you can make that go away by marrying a much, much younger woman when your wife dies. Much. Over at patreon .com forward slash dear old dads where we provide young wives when your life dies. That's a new Patreon level. Yeah.

0:08:20 Eli: Young wives. Young wives! It's patreon .com forward slash dear old dads but it's about let me finish let me vanish let me vanish we have a new level where you get a patreon level where we find you a young wife if your wife dies patreon .com rip into

0:08:18 Thomas: I don't know what this is either you you better find out on the patreon what

0:08:18 Tom: We provide wives for huh I don't know what's happening all

0:08:37 Thomas: Is happening is it only if your wife dies or

0:08:40 Eli: It no she has to die you can kill her but you can't tell us patreon rip into wait no tom I

0:08:57 Tom: Right so no no

0:09:00 Thomas: It oh yeah you you had a thing is

0:09:01 Tom: You say it say your story god damn it

0:09:03 Eli: Tell Well, I have stories to tell and things to say. I have stuff to do and say things.

0:09:12 Thomas: Eli okay what's happening

0:09:14 Tom: Have we no we should have established that years ago

0:09:17 Eli: I have stuffed things to do, say, do. I just got back from dad friend's vacation. So for those of you who have been listening to the show a long time, first of all, thank you. And you're welcome for the young wife. Life but second of all you know that me and my nerd dads get together once a year we get our families together we go rent a vacation house and we just hang out with our kids and our families and I just the day that you are hearing this is the daythat I have gotten back from that vacation and it was delightful I won't bore you with the details it was really nice we're all board game nerds I think I've mentioned that before uh so after the kids go to bed the dads all stay up playing board games. My buddy brought Riftbound, which is the new Magic the Gathering,

0:09:31 Thomas: Who do I have to blow to get into this dad group like just just tell me I mean I'm not saying no right away I don't know I like board games

0:10:05 Eli: But for me. So, yeah, we played Rift bound literally all weekend. We played, oh, God, you not care less about the games we played, but we played board games all weekend, and we also hung out with each other's kids, and it was so nice. It was just so so lovely. And I wanted to mention that. I want you to talk about that, but I, especially now one of my friends is very privacy minded and he also listens to the show. Um, and so I will not name his name or say anything about him, but here's what I will say, because I'm, I'm allowed to say this. He can't stop me from saying this. She was playing a wrestling game with Max. So I don't rough house with Max a lot. I, you know, we do the slam on the bed thing when he was younger, or we do tickling and stuff, but like wrestling games and stuff for a variety of reasons is not exactly my jam. So he was wrestling, all the kids would wrestle him. Like every so often, my friend who I'm going to call Shrek, Shrek? No, Barack I'm allowed to talk about. Barack is fine with

0:11:16 Eli: Me talking about him. I'm gonna call him Shrek. My buddy Shrek would just be like, you fight me children now.

0:11:11 Thomas: Barack Obama okay well okay you have to do the voice if you're gonna name him

0:11:25 Eli: And fight me. And, you know, he'll prefer that because it further anonymizes him. But he would be like, don't get come fight. And he would literally just challenge all the children, which I will point out was four, seven children. He would seven children at a time just be like you children are all fighting me now.

0:11:30 Thomas: Donkey wow seven you must be getting a lot of blowjobs

0:11:49 Eli: Yeah. Seven. He would do seven children fighting. Right. Like it was the bet it was so fun for all of them they're jumping on him and like he'd get hurt occasionally but there was not a you know like kids are doing something fun that's kind of roughhousy and then someone gets hurt and it just ruins it and that's the everyone's time is just like oh I'm so sorry that scranth got his finger pinched like let's all fucking mourn scranthur he he was like a perfect you know what it was like you remember it man when And he's like bag of rice. He's just punching everybody. It was like that, but with fun, it was just the perfect, it was a proving scene from a martial arts movie, but

0:12:27 Thomas: Did did you have like a fun soft surf like a trampoline like a something because that's always

0:12:32 Eli: The soft surface. No, just him. And like occasionally a couch, but he just used again, like an expert martial artist. He just used what he had around him.

0:12:32 Thomas: Fun too okay because do you guys remember as a kid oh no this might be a I was always bored thing but like for us if a place we were going had like a more of a soft surface than normal that was exciting we're like yeah that that place it has like a mat and that would be like oh oh my God, we could jump or something. That would be like noteworthy.

0:13:00 Eli: Jesus.

0:13:02 Tom: That's the saddest thing anyone's ever

0:13:03 Eli: Hey, Hey man. I haven't, I haven'T said this recently, but fuck. Fuck fuck god your life sucked so much

0:13:11 Tom: Sucks

0:13:11 Thomas: It did. It really did. It 100% % did.

0:13:12 Tom: So bad man god holy

0:13:13 Eli: Fuck you gotta you gotta gotta kill your parents

0:13:16 Tom: Shit there

0:13:18 Thomas: That's what I'm saying. Hey, that whole thing. Oh, your kids need to be bored. I don't know, man. Look Does at me? Did that help me? I have no fucking idea.

0:13:24 Tom: I take everything back everything I said I take back don't end up like thomas smith just

0:13:25 Eli: It's bad no it'S BAD it's BAD what happened to thomas

0:13:30 Tom: That experiment's

0:13:30 Thomas: Anyway let's all forget about that what what happened with you and the fun thing they've got a rollout bed yeah I'd be like they have like a a kind of like a the a couch, fold-out couch thing.

0:13:31 Tom: Been run remember the time somebody once had a mat there's a pillow some kids get pillows did you have a blanket

0:13:43 Eli: Even know what couches are because his life is so bad that chair is hurts less you

0:13:45 Thomas: I didn't, I didn't.

0:13:46 Tom: You know how you sit on two crates and a board right so we had two milk crates in a board but they got you know so

0:13:55 Thomas: Man,

0:13:53 Eli: Know the not hurting chair it's the best oh painless chair you're the best part of my life right now god

0:13:55 Thomas: So good.

0:14:03 Tom: Know some kids pillows aren't full of sawdust right Right. So you had

0:14:06 Eli: I don't you lost me to

0:14:07 Thomas: That wasn't fun to you when you could, like, run around and do something crazy as a kid? No? Alright. Yeah, the padded room.

0:14:13 Tom: The padded room that celebrating the padden room. Yeah.

0:14:16 Eli: I think you are currently defining do something crazy as be near a soft surface and I need I

0:14:22 Thomas: Yeah. Have a good have a good jump around. Have a good, have a good, yeah.

0:14:26 Tom: A bunch of snakes on the wall. It gets you something to run into.

0:14:28 Thomas: Hold on. I'm sorry. Eli, you gotta continue your story. But now I have to ask, because this was a crucial thing. As a kid, especially the age I was, did you guys, did you fellow boys, did you gentlemen, you not want to be ninjas? Did you never have a ninja face? A ninja turtle?

0:14:42 Eli: Course I wanted to be ninjas.

0:14:43 Tom: You mean want to? You're using the past tense in a way I find a little offensive to my art. Yeah.

0:14:46 Eli: Is a great question, Tom. Yeah. Yeah.

0:14:48 Thomas: Yeah, okay. So you had that, right? You're like street fighter, like ninja turtle, like you do all, if we had a big soft place we could do all our moves that was what was fun you didn't have that

0:14:58 Tom: If we have a dear old dad's reunion, the three of us should get together and have ninja fights, right? I mean, I feel like that's locked in. That is 100 % locked in, man.

0:15:05 Eli: Tom, I don't know what you live in. That's just, I'm going to kick your ass next time I see you for me. That's Just My Experience was just, I'm gonna pick you up next time we see you. I had to walk in the sun for four minutes on vacation, and I turned around and went and got the car. I'm not going to do well. Can I be the throwing star? Is there a big heavy throwing star the nunchaku can I be the nuchaku that you use to fight someone I'll be a mace at the end of a big stick so anyway so he's he's all the kids simultaneously it's so good but it's also like the the reason I wanted to point it out and I think about this a lot um tough for people to play with my son right everyone is very kind to my son no one is unkind to my son obviously they're alive it's tough to play with him and I was saying this before we got on air which is like people come up to Max and they're like hey buddy how you doing and he's like in the YouTube where Mario's head is big the sun is green and they were like nothing I got fucking nothing they're looking around waiting for they're waiting for fucking subtitles to pop up under my kid and like he's not even necessarily easy to yes and because the games he's playing are very specific and he's very bossy and he is also like correcting you on shit that he's making up in the moment and be like no the blocks have to be groups and it's also like high level a lot of the time so he'll be like groups of 16 and you're like I can't eyeball that man my chromosomes are the same as a lot other people's he's like 16 any time but max was involved in this and I mean laughing harder than I have ever seen him laugh joyful in a way I have never seen him I mean not never but like it is rare for my son to fully participate because he's a nervous kid he's very anxious kid in the way that he was in that moment And it was so grateful for another person in my life to create that for Max.

0:15:31 Thomas: So anyway someone's molesting your kids or something yeah

0:17:11 Tom: Fuck yeah man so

0:17:13 Eli: I just wanted to talk about, I just wanted say like, I'm sure Shrek did not think like, Oh, I am doing a very meaningful thing. Like all the kids were playing fight Shrek and Max also got to play fight Shreck. We checked in obviously, cause Max tends not to pick up hints. And we were like, Hey Shrek, if he's fighting you too much and he was like, no, no fucking let's do this. Like, don't think my friend Shrek was like, oh my goodness, I am creating this very special moment, but it was, it was an incredibly special and meaningful moment that

0:17:41 Tom: I know you said you don't love to roughhouse I'm curious if after watching him roughhouse if you were like okay I think I could do that in a way that because like I know how much it means to you to do anything and everything you can to bring max joy

0:17:54 Eli: I I do want to do it. It's funny. I meant to text him. So it's, it's funny, I haven't talked to Shrek about it. One, Shrek is not Jewish and I don'T, you guys aren't. So here's the thing. You Thomas is a theater kid, so you can kind of do it, But you can't really talk to non -Jews about important emotions because can't handle them. So here's the thing. If if Shrek was Jewish, I have texted him and just been like, hey, man, I just want you to know, like how meaningful that was to me and like how incredible it is to see that. And like, I consider you like a member of my family and I hope you know how much it means to me, but because he's not Jewish, you'd be like, I'm not gay. Stop trying to gay on me. Right.

0:18:05 Thomas: What are you talking about huh is that a jewish

0:18:36 Eli: So you have to, it's a Jewish that we're the only, we're the only race with emotions.

0:18:37 Thomas: Thing what are you talking yeah tom are you I guess

0:18:41 Eli: And I, the what, cause they we heard they might have some, so we're making sure they seem sad. And so we were like, we got to to clear this up no it's -jewish people have emotions the way bears can dance you know

0:18:39 Tom: Idea I

0:18:42 Thomas: So yeah okay is that why you have to get rid of all the palestinians I don't know I don't follow what the fuck are you talking about yeah

0:19:02 Eli: Jews get it I know you don't and that's okay but it's good it's because you're there's nothing going on

0:19:05 Thomas: I'm sure I'm sure the other people like supremacists whatever get it I don't know what are you talking about you're

0:19:11 Tom: I don't have any idea what's happening right now.

0:19:11 Eli: Jewish my fellow jewish supremacist I like the idea who's that really horrible guy from the israeli government

0:19:17 Thomas: Saying that only your religion slash what group has emotions I don's yeah that's

0:19:22 Eli: I'm trying to but you keep fucking interrupting I'm

0:19:26 Thomas: Yeah that's an element of supremacy to that sorry oh

0:19:30 Eli: I'm trying to remember who's that guy from the Israeli government who says just like the worst shit Ben Gavir is that him

0:19:34 Thomas: Oh I know I know that

0:19:36 Tom: Benjamin Netanyahu.

0:19:36 Thomas: Ben ben gevier no it's ben gevier yeah that

0:19:37 Eli: Netanyahu's Ben Gavier is the one who's just like let's kill a baby right he's just a fucking Ben Gavior is listening to the podcast right now and he's like thank you this fucking guy gets it you

0:19:40 Thomas: Guy's fucking horrible yeah he's actively the worst yeah he was being like I get it yeah jesus christ anyway let's pretend you didn't say any of that what's oh

0:19:54 Eli: First of of all, you have to keep it because there's a moment that occurs occasionally in our podcast where I will say something nice. And then through no control of my own, like all the things that come out of my mouth, I'll say the worst, most horrible thing a human can say. And then I remember my friend Barack found our podcast before we knew each other, listened to a couple minutes and was like, ah, I don't like that guy.

0:20:15 Thomas: Don't like that guy but anyway

0:20:20 Eli: And I just think about all the people that I'm doing that to in those moments it's a good time oh

0:20:26 Thomas: The question was I it because I was asking that too yeah if you do roughhousing then you said you were gonna call him or something or you didn't call him

0:20:28 Eli: The roughhousing yes so so I right exactly so I want to call him and be like hey how do I do that good how do we do yeah I need like roughhassing lessons

0:20:37 Thomas: You need lessons like like oh really

0:20:40 Tom: Is he going to come over and roughhouse with you? Like pick you up on his shoulder and like drop you slowly.

0:20:42 Eli: Honestly I'd be totally fine yes

0:20:43 Thomas: Because that because that That will totally be

0:20:46 Tom: Like, yeah, yeah.

0:20:46 Thomas: A come on. He'll think you want to get going, you know, get it on.

0:20:49 Eli: How

0:20:49 Tom: Definitely going to have sex with him. It's a hundred percent.

0:20:50 Eli: Do why I I'll just just tape it down and then he won't know how I've such

0:20:53 Thomas: Now, at what point into you guys fucking, if at all, do you mention that actually I meant help me roughhouse max? Or do you, you Know what I mean? Like, do do wait till finish and they're like, ha ha. Funny story.

0:21:01 Eli: A great question yeah I that's what you have to do right so that it's not weird for him right hey by the way just so you know there was a special extra bonus for me in that interaction so

0:21:09 Thomas: Yeah. Or maybe never. Maybe like, Hey, also. So you feel like you don't know to do that? I'm actually, I'm curious.

0:21:24 Eli: The thing is like a lot of my impulses this is okay this is gonna sound like someone you know that guy who's like I see red and that's why I can never do a karate. This is going to sound like that, but I remind, I will remind everybody that I lose all the fights. So I'm not saying I'm a good fighter. I'm saying I I'm a naturally violent person. What I'm seeing is I've done a lot of work that violence, even pretend violence is just not a natural part of me. I am very in control of my body on purpose all the time. And so like, I don't know how hard wrestling goes. Now I will say we tickle, right? Cause Because tickling is good. But I don't know how hard wrestling goes or what's good wrestling versus bad wrestling. Like, I'm pretty sure joint locks aren't a part of wrestling your kids. But I didn't know. I don' t know. It looks like fighting. And that's fighting. Right?

0:22:22 Tom: No it's just roughhousing I I love rough I I with all of the kids

0:22:27 Eli: I've seen you roughhouse with your kids, it's great.

0:22:28 Thomas: Max

0:22:28 Tom: It's super fun

0:22:29 Thomas: Ask to be thrown on the bed or anything?

0:22:31 Eli: So we do slam on the bed because that was a very specific activity that I sort of had control over. Right? I was like, okay, cool. So I pick him up and then I like,

0:22:38 Thomas: Until you did the full -on, like, whatever the wrestling one is, where he's like between your legs.

0:22:44 Eli: I did power bomb him that one time into a cement floor.

0:22:47 Thomas: Yeah, no, that wasn't good.

0:22:48 Eli: That's why he coughs up blood every night before bed. And, but, and, but he, he has forgiven me. And so has the law.

0:22:49 Thomas: He loved it yeah that's interesting yeah so so remy is of course he he just throw me on the bed dad throw me on the bad throw me dad throw him he throw me in the bed throw any but he also has a weird combination of being so anxious and terrified that he wants me to throw him I pick them up and he'll cling to me like dear life like all of a sudden he's kind of gotten a little bit better, but it's kind of, it's interesting to see that combination, which is again, why I'm, pretty I'm sure he will be drug addicted soon, soon, you know, probably when he's seven or so, because he, he, yeah, he both has that constant desire and the like the anxiety and the everything, this poor kid I'm going to do everything I can for him. I really am. Maybe I'll just throw him on the bed the rest of my life, all the the time. He'll have to, he'll need that. That'll be his fix.

0:23:27 Eli: Or 20 minutes. Yeah. Come downstairs, him and his friends are smoking pot. Hey guys, maybe this instead. Start throwing his friends on the bed go

0:23:52 Tom: Eli, tip on the roughhousing, just to help you out here. I used to roughhouse with Aislinn. Aisling loved roughhosing. She loved rough housing.

0:23:57 Eli: The eyes girl?

0:23:59 Tom: It's mostly, Aisline and I roughhoused all the time. She loved it more than just about any of the other kids. Donovan never really loved roughhouseing. Finn loved it. Aislinn loved it, Eamon loved it I would roughhouse with them I'd roughhouse all of them at the same time It was a lot of fun It's mostly just slow motion picking people up And then throwing them onto the couch That's mostly it Or picking them up and being like And then you gently lower them back down Or they like run at you and you just grab them And kind of like hold their body and spin it And put it back down You're already doing it When you play the like throw Max on the bed game It's essentially the same thing Except for then he would get up, run at yo you'd grab them be like ah pick

0:24:00 Eli: Can't do girl

0:24:41 Tom: Them up like you're gonna body slam and just do everything slow motion yeah that's

0:24:42 Thomas: Just think, do everything slow motion. Yeah that's a great note. Yeah That's how, that's how we do it.

0:24:46 Tom: It you just like do like wrestling in slow motion

0:24:48 Eli: Just picturing me slowly gouging out one of my son's eyes they said hey stop screaming stop screaming stop screaming stop screaming they said you're gonna love this

0:24:53 Thomas: It's even more painful. Yeah

0:24:57 Tom: And like you exaggeratedly like like I would raise my fist up like ah like slow motion like bring my fist down then the kids would like attack me and I immediately like then I mean yeah and And then you immediately throw your hands up like you're losing, you know?

0:25:10 Thomas: Pretend you're like a slow giant or something. Yeah. Well, because Tom is a slow giant. Sorry. Sorry, Tom.

0:25:17 Eli: Is a slow giant I always say

0:25:18 Thomas: I didn't mean to insult your people. Yeah, fuck

0:25:18 Eli: That about him we

0:25:21 Tom: So, and you always let them win, right? So, like, eventually, like you'll be like, oh, God.

0:25:25 Thomas: I kicked their ass. No,

0:25:26 Tom: And then, you don't know what to do. You know, they, like – it's just – yeah.

0:25:26 Thomas: I'm just kidding. They got to earn it.

0:25:32 Tom: I don't – I loved roughhousing with the kids. Thought I it was absolutely my favorite. I loved – I would – if they would roughhouse with me now, they'd kick my ass. Like, Finn would take me to school. But like I would do it right now oh

0:25:41 Thomas: I love it. Well I got a question. How about even even if roughhousing, how like, how touchy snuggly are you? Are I, I worry. Okay. Okay, cool. Cause I worry I like him too snuggley with my kids. Cause I love them so much. I just always want to hug and squeeze them all the time. And I feel like I'm a little bit insane. So I'm just checking.

0:25:49 Eli: Were crazy snuggly yeah oh yeah all the hugs and snugs and squeezes yeah no a million percent hugs and squeezing, 100% that's

0:26:04 Thomas: Think that's important. I think some amount of that physical stuff is some, as long as they're getting something, that's good. Else on the vacation happen or is that pretty much okay good

0:26:13 Eli: It I got a parenting story for the end but that's that but

0:26:24 Tom: Right so I sipped this for the show and again this is stolen from one of these parenting reddits I just thought this was fucking nuts so I'm going to read this insanity I work two jobs six days a week I do the morning routine with our kids my husband does the afternoon afternoon shift. Days off or days I'm out early, we typically spend time together as a family, resting, hikes, beaches, lakes, whatever. Our typical day-to-day, he gets a lot of stress-free time with them, watching TV after dinner, playing outside, etc., and I get the chaos mornings. The last few times I've had a day off when he's working and have planned something fun with our kids, he gets out early from work and he wants to join. I never say no, but today I said no, and I feel like I'm being mean. He also thinks I'm being a bit of a jerk, but I feel that I feel family time is just as important as special with mom and special time with dad, which they have plenty of. Also, I think it's important that he should have time to himself, be it resting or hanging with friends, going to the gym, or just doing something for himself. He's always in work mode or dad mode, and I don't remember the last time he ever did anything for himself, but he says all he wants to do is hang out with us. Rereading that, I realize how ridiculous I sound, but I also believe the healthiest people are the most well -rounded and I cannot stress enough all he does is work and parent and take care of house stuff and I worry at some point he's going to burn out and yes I am jealous of the insane bonding he gets with our kids and when we're all together as a family I feel out of place I want to bond more so I don't always feel like this and can have a stronger bond with my kids too that's

0:27:53 Thomas: I feel like I feel Like I'm gonna get you know I'm getting disagreement I kind of see where she's coming from I feel like this isn't crazy to a be like hey maybe the dad should have some alone time but also be like if that quality time she's having to work two jobs I feel Like she doesn't get a lot of the time and maybe she feels like she's not building as much as of a relationship with the kids what that uh is that crazy he?

0:28:19 Tom: Not crazy the part that's crazy is the way I think she goes about this. Like, I think just saying you like, can't play with us. That, I don't know. That strikes me as bizarre. Like here's, here's the dad that most people are saying everybody wants, right? Like all he does is work and take care of the family and take care of the house. Boys, he's not off, doing anything else. He's not off hanging with his buddies. All he's doing is establishing great bonds with the kids and working, and providing, and that's what everybody says, boy, I wish somebody would just be that guy, and this guy wakes up every day, and he's like, hey, all I want to do is be that guy, that's all I wanna do, is be the guy, all right, well, cool, I'm off of work, let me spend time with my family, and she's like nah, you can't sit with us, that sucks, I think establishing like predetermined times, ahead of time, where it's like okay, cool we're gonna have some mom And that's just mom time. That's totally cool. I think that's fine. This is mom time, that's dad time. But like, I feel like especially in this moment where we're asking people to change, and we're asked specifically men to change and we are asking specifically for them to change in ways that it sounds like, from her description, he has literally done all of those things. Things. And she's like, yeah, you should really go just get a life of your own, man. Like go get a life of your own. Don't hang out with us all the time. I don't know. That strikes me as not money.

0:29:47 Tom: The approach.

0:29:47 Thomas: I guess. So she's saying he gets out early to join. So it sort of feels like she's, I agree with you that it really depends on how you go about it, I feel like that should be a conversation that you have way ahead of saying no, like don't come hang out. That's for For sure. Yeah. But I feel like it's not crazy to, to feel like, kind of see this with not, not in my situation, but I could relate to a feeling like if I felt like the kids were not, you know, like, I just wasn't getting as much of a bond with them as, you partner or something, I definitely could feel like dang, I want to try to get some solo time or something.

0:30:07 Tom: Where That's I'm stuck. Oh, absolutely. Like I think saying like, hey, I want some solo time, but she's trying to couch this as like, Hey, I actually think this is good for you. You should have this time because you should have have some hobbies and that's actually healthier for you. This guy's just like, look, I want to spend time with my family. And if her issue is, it sounds like bullshit, right? It sounds like total bullshit. It sounds Like she is rejecting his attempt to spend time with his family and then pretending that she's doing it because it's good for him. When from her own description, it's really just because she's jealous that he's got a better bond with the kids. And that to me is a bad approach. It's just a really fucking weird and bad bad approach because like, this is a dude who's like, according to your own description, all he does is work and take care of the family and take car of the house. And it's like yeah, going to penalize him for that? Like a weird communication and then pretend it's because it's good for him? I don't know. It just feels not

0:30:46 Thomas: That part might be bullshit. Yeah.

0:31:26 Tom: Like the right way to approach it.

0:31:28 Eli: There's also this which I don't like about it which is like he's not being asked this is not a conversation that's happening you know what I'm saying like that to me is worrying right the notion that like no no no I've decided you can't do this or be a part of this or whatever the case might be you know I'm saying like that's that's what I am confused about yeah

0:31:37 Tom: To dictate. Yeah, I do. It's weird to dictate it, right? Like I'm right there with you. Like I think if she she were to say, hey, I to talk to you. I feel like I'm working a lot. It's harder for me to have time that's just mine with the kids. I know that you really want to spend time with us in your downtime, too, but I need to carve out some time so I have a better bond with the kids. And I'm sorry that that might make you feel like excluded or you might even be like a little lost at sea with how you should spend your time. But I really need to have a good bond with the kids, too. Instead, it's like, yeah, I told him he can't hang out with us and it's good for him really this is really about

0:31:56 Thomas: Yeah, for sure. Yeah.

0:32:28 Tom: Doing what's right for him it's

0:32:29 Thomas: For sure. I do think that part's bullshit. I feel like. Yeah I think it's definitely got to be more of a conversation rather than how she handled it.

0:32:31 Tom: Fucking weird yeah and I think that if he were to say yeah I don't know how much of that like that's like that'S a there's a response to that too that is like you don't get to just decide things because that's not how parenting and relationships work so I think if you were to stay well when like how like every time I get off work early I can't hang out with you guys like I would feel very rejected by that I'll just say Like if Haley was like, yes, yeah, 100 percent. And especially if the way that it was couched was, well, you should go get a life and do other things. I'd be like, but my life is my family. If that's what I've decided is the thing that brings me meaning and joy. And then you're saying, yeah. But I think you should find something else like, oh, you know, go hang out with your friends. Like it's not about me. Right. Right. She's trying to salve a wound for her and try to pretend it's something about him. And it feels dishonest.

0:32:58 Eli: I wouldn't feel like that was an attempt to give me rest I would feel excluded yeah

0:33:33 Thomas: 100 percent. You think it's crazy to be like worried that your kid like what if your kids I'm I curious how you would handle it just as a hypothetical if you felt like your kid or kids were like enjoyed time with your partner more or something would you feel like oh man I need to fix that I'm just curious okay

0:33:34 Eli: A hundred percent that's

0:33:56 Tom: Yeah. Yeah, 100 percent. I would feel that way. And way to start that solve would be to have a conversation and be like, hey, this is what I'm worried about. And this is why I feel insecure about it. You know?

0:34:08 Thomas: I mean separating separating that we all agree on on the yeah the approach

0:34:11 Tom: Yeah, I know. Yeah. But yeah, I would. I would feel like I can I can tell you from personal experience when Finn was very little, I was stuck working this job where I would work like 14, 15, 16 hours a day. Sometimes I would sleep at the office on a cot, not come home for a couple of days. So I just I had to work. I just was constantly working. And so it is very difficult to work at that level for that long. I did it for a few years where still like come home and be like on and engaged and, you to people. And then you just you're just physically not as home, not not home as much. And I would try. I would cry really hard. I want to come home. And I was like, take a deep breath before I walk in the door and put my game face on and make sure that I was, like, there and available and try to do everything I could to be engaged. But I just couldn't put the hours in. There There just weren't enough hours. They just they don't make enough. They don't make enough hours. And it was a real stressor for me to be like, all right, like I don't want to lose this time that I only get once with the kiddo, you like I need to make sure that like I'm providing for the family and it can be a really stressful and difficult thing. I'm very sympathetic to that. I am. And like, you I did is I started taking him to in the morning. I would drive of them. I would bring them back to my office. I had a play area in my office that I was able to set up so he and I could hang out while I would work late hours and stuff. So, you know, sometimes you can make arrangements or make situations work out where you still get to kind of have that time and have that bond. But like, yeah, I'm very sympathetic to that. Very often bonding is a matter of time input. A lot of what it is. Like bonding is like, well, who puts in the time? Who's there? Who's got more time to spend? And that is a big, big factor. It's not the only factor, but it's a major factor. So, yeah, I'm real sympathetic to that. And I think it's a problem that both parents should endeavor to solve.

0:36:10 Thomas: I bet this person this probably feels like since they don't get enough time if they're working two jobs it must feel like unfair that like the other parent gets like stress -free time I I can kind of understand but yeah I definitely need to approach it better than that I think being honest is the key I of my biggest pet peeves is the person who tries to frame the thing they want as something that's good for you that's never goes well with me I'm always like okay so this is something you you want I don't fucking I I never I'm never happy about that oh

0:36:41 Tom: Yeah, well, no, because it super sucks. I also think, too, that like sometimes kids bond harder with one person than another just because that's the person they like better. Sucks but like oh but I think that that sucks like I think people are people though and they have preferences and kids are people that have preferences like amen for a long time especially when amen was a baby amen didn't like me at all when he was a babe I couldn't even hold him while he was awake for the first 14 months of his life I didn't get to hold him while he was awake he would scream scream if he saw me he just for whatever reason yeah

0:37:06 Eli: The scream the scream times mm

0:37:19 Thomas: Why I put him in a sleeper hold and went get

0:37:21 Eli: Mm-hmm

0:37:22 Tom: But like I also think that kids are people and they have interests and they have feelings and they are people they like better than other people and all that is true and no matter how many hours you put in they might still like the other parent better that's I think that's something that's It's just got to be like, well, that sucks. But I don't know that it's ever necessarily going to be equal, you know? And I think if you're on the, you end of that totem pole, the answer to that is, well that sucks, yeah.

0:37:52 Tom: I don't know that, I don't know that it's a solvable problem though. Do you know what I mean? Like, did you prefer one of your parents over another?

0:37:59 Thomas: Yeah my dad for sure because but that but that's the unfair unfair bullshit masculine thing of the dad who's unavailable so you know like that therefore when he does anything it's like looked at it it's just more that that's the part that sucks where it's like the unfair part of it but that's a little different I mom obviously it was like my mum was the softer parent to deal with so that was that was nice you know it wasn't like you know if if gonna get in trouble or something it was better that it would be with her but it also was just like my dad was my dad and it was like take what you get kind of thing you know and that was that you know oh

0:38:00 Eli: I was a big mama's boy oh

0:38:44 Tom: Yeah, we've talked on the show about like parents having favorite kids, but I I think people rarely talk about it in the reverse. And like, I do think it hurts parents' feelings very often, but I think it's super, yeah, tell me, what do you mean?

0:38:55 Eli: I hurt my dad's feelings so much so I was a big mamas boy and when I was really little again because I didn't have a ton of access to her all the time because she was dealing with her own stuff right and so um would would like actively be mad when dad would come home because it meant he was about to take over. And so like, I, you know, I would like run and hide and I would cry and I was like, I would be unhappy to see him. And I remember very specifically a memory. I feel like I've told this story on the show before. I remember very specifically, he came home from work and I threw like a stuffed animal at him. I was at the bottom of the stairs and I threw it and I was like, no, threw his stuffed animal at him. And to his credit, he just like turned around, walked out of the house and sat down on the curb. Now I understand that what he was doing was like calming down. Right.

0:39:46 Eli: Um, so I sort of, mom was like, you should go talk to him. And I went out and talked to him and I could tell he was really upset. Uh, and he said, I need you to know that that really, really hurts my feelings. When you do that, it really hurts. My feelings. Like I look forward to seeing you all day. I adore you and to come home and have you act that way. It, it wrecks my whole day. And it was the end of it. I was old. It caught me right at the age where I could understand that and stop doing it. Remember it so intensely that that moment.

0:40:15 Tom: Yeah, and I'm curious, do you think there's anything your dad could have done to have changed or built more equilibrium there? Or is that just, yeah. And I guess that's kind of what I'm saying. And I think that's probably true for you, Thomas. It's the dynamics of a family and the way we react to those dynamics. I don't think that like I think it's just true. Sometimes the kids are like, yeah, mom's my favorite or yeah, dad's my favorite. And I don'T think it has lot a to do with what we're doing all the time as parents is I think IT's complicated how those things kind of shake out. And I think that I don' know. I don'' don't know that it's a problem to solve like in terms of like fixing the family dynamic unless there's something like like non -functional I do think that it's something to acknowledge his parents be like yeah it fucking hurts though like that doesn't feel good I know like with amen I know I'm not his favorite parent like at all and like that sucks because super sucks

0:40:55 Thomas: Who

0:41:13 Eli: Weird to be wrong.

0:41:14 Thomas: Is who's this favorite parent no I'm just kidding what's that who's what's the other option

0:41:17 Tom: No you know

0:41:15 Eli: Have you told him he's wrong? You should really stop loving your mom, kid. It is. I've been there. I've got it, man. It isn't a mistake.

0:41:21 Tom: But like it sucks to be like well god but I'm fucking I'm back here doing all of the things for you man like I'm like the you know like I I'm checking all the boxes my dude and it's like yeah all right But like I don't get to control it Yeah you know I don'T get to Control it so I'm like all right well That's just for that just sucks and That's one of the things about being a Parent

0:41:25 Thomas: Hard and solid podcast yeah always reminds me of uh I think it's liar liar where god it's so funny where that where you know because obviously jim carrey is the dad would be like the funniest like play with him dad and then the the other dad tries to do the claw or whatever and it's like this bit that jim carrey does where he has this whole thing and then uh who's that's the guy it's uh it's the guy from princess bride carrie elwes or whatever he's like it's the claw and he just like puts out his finger and the kid's like no it's not the claw it's like that like you can't can't really like put yourself into another archetype of parent like know what I mean it's always forced

0:42:00 Eli: The nice guy. Carry yours no still

0:42:14 Tom: It's not it's just it's Just one of those many things about Being a parent that you're like yeah It's not in my control it hurts though And that's it yeah all right what do You do about it well I'm gonna hurt About it that's what I'm going to do I'm Gonna fucking hurt about it oh

0:42:25 Eli: Hurts yeah I'm right gentlemen before we go why did the old man fall down the well because he couldn't see that well right

0:42:47 Thomas: Was so dumb it came around round for me I like that one that's good oh

0:42:57 Clip: Want to meet sexy DILFs in your area? Email thedads at dearolddads .com or better yet, send us a message on Patreon. You can follow us on all social media by checking the links in the show notes. And if you need more podcasts in your life, you can find Tom on Cognitive Dissonance, Thomas on Serious Inquiries Only, and Eli on Godawful Movies and all the Puzzle and the Thunderstorm shows. Dear Old Dads is edited and produced by my favorite DILf, Tom Smith, who also wrote and recorded the intro music, which is used with his permission. This podcast is a production of Daddy Issues, LLC, copyright 2022, all rights reserved.

0:43:39 Eli: I have stories to tell and things to say. I have stuff to do and say things.

0:43:50 Thomas: Do I have to blow to get into this dad group like just just tell me I

0:43:53 Eli: Me. Seem sad. And

0:43:58 Tom: Definitely going to have sex with him. It's a hundred percent. Yeah.

0:44:03 Eli: They said