DOD289: Eli's Got Nissan Money

Transcript

This transcript was generated automatically and may contain errors — the audio is the record.

0:00:02 Clip: I'm the cool dad. That's that's my thing. I know now what I can offer you that no one else can I'm a man. I'm sensitive. I need to feel loved. I need to be desired is the only part of being a father that I enjoy

0:00:28 Tom: Welcome to Dear Old Dads, the podcast that's buying a new car, used. I'm Tom Curry, I'm joined as always by Thomas Smith and Eli Bosnick. Hello, gentlemen. There anything more dad -like than going to the car dealership and sitting down and negotiating that deal and sliding that piece of paper back and forth?

0:00:39 Eli: Hey, what

0:00:52 Thomas: I cannot even entertain whatever that is anymore. You know what? I will say that's the one thing that's good about the stupid company that shouldn't be named is you just bought the Tesla on the Internet. And it's just like, this is what it is. Who fucking cannot not do doing that? Oh, let me run this. Let me run the test. Let me do this by the manager. Let me. Wow, man. Let me see. I'm going to go into this back room and you're going to see me look like I'm talking to him. And what we're talking about is for sure how good this deal is that I'm not even supposed to get. Like, I just can't fucking do it.

0:01:21 Eli: He's going to, I'll tell you, you may watch him stand up from his desk and fuck me. That's how, that's how mad he's going to be about this deal. Yeah. It's been has been the last three weeks of my life. Now, for

0:01:22 Tom: My God, I know.

0:01:33 Thomas: Weeks.

0:01:33 Tom: Can you tell us about the insurance piece? Yeah, we got to hear the whole thing.

0:01:36 Eli: I'm so excited. So for those of you who tuned in, I've never had a car totaled before, despite the way I handle a motor vehicle like a child riding his first bicycle without the guidance of a father. I never totaled a car before, so I didn't understand how the total process worked. Now, I should point out that whenever I don't know a thing, it's bad. Now to be clear, when I do know a thing, it's bad too, but I can jump right in with the jokes to be like, uh -oh, looks like it's time for a trip to the DMV, waka waka! But you know, the thing about existing in our current universe is that everything is the worst,

0:01:43 Thomas: Surprising. Yeah.

0:02:17 Eli: Most capitalist version of the thing. Every time. Without fail, there's never anything, everyone's a rapist, murderer, horror, racist, evil, demon, garbage, shit -covered, disease -ridden, pustule, rat in a suit of flesh. Everyone, all the time, forever. But, like, here's the thing. If you go through your life thinking that, it's naturally bad for your mental health. There's no benefit, nobody right? Likes it either, right, because you turn around and you're like, I'm like, hey, I bet everyone's going to second this thing. And they're like, oh, you're one of the people that suck. And you're like. Oh, no, I'm part of the system. I got dragged down. So I contact an unknown experience, there's a part of me that goes. Well, this is how I figure it should be there, pal. I'm guessing that since I lost two cars. And I done give that lizard over at Geico money once a month. And I ain't never forgot that lizard's money. Maybe he'll give me enough money to yeah

0:03:18 Thomas: You've been putting that lizard's family through college for fucking years.

0:03:21 Eli: Exactly I've been fucking that lizard up left and right and so maybe I'll give my money for a new car now

0:03:29 Thomas: Feel bad. They're like, let's get, you know, I tell you what, sport. Let's get you even better cars than you had.

0:03:34 Eli: Now and I want to be clear I do not labor under the delusion that I was gonna get a nicer car but delution the that I I was comfortably laboring under in the second to last episode of our three, third to last, sorry, third -to -last episode of Our Program was maybe I'll get the same car. And I don't know if you know this, but the same Car is more expensive now. What? I know. I know that's crazy to hear. But here's the thing. Your car, right, you buy it for $2 and then it loses value. You. So it's only worth $1, but here's what's crazy. If you want to buy that car still costs $2 costs $2. Now here's the good news. I have good news because here's thing. This would be actually sad if this was happening to my wife. Um, I have standards and one of the standards that I have about my existence. And can I say, I don't have many, my friends, they're all gone. Gone they're all gone um the one standard that I have is that I don't let the just sort of natural awfulness of the world affect my wife so because we got the payments for two cars we have enough for my wife to have a replacement for her car lovely replacement for a car very excited for her and for me to downgrade to a nissan

0:04:59 Eli: Ultima now my friends toyota I've a little little bit of context here because it's interesting you know don't know what you got till it's gone and so my entire driving life which started pretty late in mid my late -20s right is when I got my first car because up in upstate new york where I didn't really need a car all the way leading to college my parents didn't let me drive with other kids I've talked about that got to college went to college in new yorg wasn't until I started gigging regularly as a musician, magician is the job that I had that

0:05:01 Tom: What were you driving before?

0:05:10 Thomas: It's not that something I going to say. Day.

0:05:32 Eli: I, um, needed a car. So I w I was in my mid twenties before I bought a car for the first time, but my family had Toyotas. Toyotos are reliable. I did my research, whatever year that was. Toyots were straight down the middle, but a little bit nicer, not a lot of it nicer. I never imagined myself to be a Lexus man, but I understood that maybe I could get myself into a Toyota Corolla. Yeah. And so all the cars we have had our entire car having life have been Toyotas. I had a Corolla, my wife had a Camry. Those are the cars we had. They lasted as well. Even when I bumped them into shit, they were like, don't worry. There's a million of these. We'll grab the roof off one, pop it onto yours. Don't sweat it. It. But the lizard said to me, nope, nope. It's time for you to get a Nissan. Now I need to explain a little context behind the scenes about what my car shopping experience had been like up to that point. But before I do, I needto let you all know that, hey, I know it sounds like my life is bad, but you know what would make my life better? Money. That's right. Money would have solved all of these problems. And there's a way for youto fix those problems, my friend.

0:06:44 Eli: That''s ads, where for as little as a dollar a show, you get a commercial -free episode every single week. You get a little parenting story at the end, plus bonus episodes once a month, like clockwork. Once a month you get bonus episodes.

0:06:56 Thomas: There've been some good, by the way, the Cecil one was a nice long patron segment Eli missed out on. We made sure to plan our trips with without Eli. I mean, there's, there's so much.

0:07:05 Eli: See? I didn't even hear that. There you go.

0:07:08 Thomas: We don't let Eli get the patron feed.

0:07:09 Eli: That's important. Yeah, no, I don't get the pay. The RSS feed is blocked on the back end for me, which is problematic for a lot of reasons, but it works to make me sad. But you can get all of that over at patreon .com forward slash dear old dads rip into it okay so to my car buying experience up to that experience right which is exactly the joke thomas made at the beginning which is I'm just seeing these wildly overpriced cars and then I I search and I've I'm going through every listing I find one I look at the carfax this car is currently on fire okay well no I don't want that one right I find a good deal that one's sold but I have one that's thirty thousand dollars more yeah that sounds great let's work on time travelers so it's just a nightmare it's

0:08:06 Tom: I love what eli is fucking completely unhinged she cannot right now this is great right?

0:08:11 Eli: A nightmare of three weeks is also my vacation now we're not going to talk about it we're going to Talk about it but it wasn't a vacation and I was also buying cars the entire time so I'm just doing this from canada and of course what they want to do is get you in the dealership when can you come by and take a look at this thing because I'll tell you when you sit next to someone who went to hillsdale community college in this toyota camry the sheer magnetism of my personality why you're gonna rip your underwear out of your pants how how fast you pull your wallet up. Fuck off, my man. Sell me a goddamn car. Fun fact, Carvana, the website, exists exclusively because of how much this sucks. I did not find a price that was within $3 ,000 of what I was looking for on Carvana. And they don't make any guarantees. And they try and sell you shitty fucking, like, extended warranty bullshit when you look into the cars. And I would still consider it it because I would just get to push a button and have a car the notion

0:09:19 Eli: That they would just show up with a car and I wouldn't have to talk to tyler who was gonna be like let me check on that it was oh the oh it was it was tempting let me tell you so I'm doing that for three weeks after three weeks of searching we find my wife's car pretty early on find exactly what she needs she's good that's the only part that's like stressful to me and then fuck me right truly fuck me because who Who fucking cares? Oh, now my life is nice. No, fuck off. Who fucking scares? So I'm just like, all right, let's see if we can find a car. Three weeks in, I'm like, I can't find a fucking car. I cannot find a card that is within my budget. Right. Or is anywhere close. Right. Because I could just get a 2012 Corolla.

0:09:58 Eli: Right. I could get a Corolla that is allowed to have an OnlyFans account. Right. Yes, exactly. Could have a Corulla that saw Obama elected.

0:09:57 Thomas: Pre -gamer gate yeah that's

0:10:07 Eli: Connected and so I'm like yeah and so I'm like man I do not know what to fucking do so I go on the internet and I literally google I go hey can't afford nice car what do and internet goes hey man have you tried a Nissan now I want to say something up here at the front because I know that there are people out there who are probably in Nissans because you're on a limited income and hey if you're super fucking psyched about your Nissan you have a good time with your Nissan? Hell yeah. I love that for you. I'm on my journey. You're on yours. Some people are on bikes. This isn't about you and your Nissan. It's about me and my lack of the one last nice thing I thought I would have. So moving forward. So I go to my first Nissan dealership and my friends, this is the funniest fucking experience I've ever had. First of all, it's it's dirty and look I know none of you podcast listener have been inside my vehicle but for me to call anything

0:10:08 Thomas: Still optimistic about our country's future yeah

0:11:11 Eli: Dirty requires a true it requires a visible level and

0:11:17 Thomas: Having nightmares about what that could possibly be and

0:11:20 Tom: We pause real quick? Cause I I want to jump on this train real quick and yes, and that I started the process very briefly. I stopped at a dealership and poked around and it is amazing to me that they don't just get a car and immediately clean it the same day that they get the car.

0:11:37 Thomas: So you had a used car dealership I take

0:11:39 Tom: If well, like any, like if you go to a new dealership and look for their used inventory, they'll just be like, oh, we have to clean this up before we like turn it over to you. And it's like, well why in the world, if you know you're going to have to clear the car eventually, why would you not just clean it before you literally showed it to anybody the first time? It makes, that is an insane order of operations and a terrible sales thing to do. I don't understand that. And fucking every dealership does that with their used inventories. It's bonkers.

0:12:10 Eli: Hope but no it's not just the cars the cars are covered in dust of course but also like The building is covered in dust. There was this big black scratch across the front of the building. I felt like a man was going to wander out from a gas station and be like, no, no, you don't want to go in that car dealership. No, no. No, nobody ever comes back from that car dealer ship. But I go in because my life is bad and this is what I deserve. And again, I've been in Toyota dealerships. I'm not at the fucking BMW dealership, I once went with a friend to buy a Ferrari and a friend who bought a Ferrari and he had social anxiety and he was like, will you come with me to buy it for Ari? And I was like you're a multimillionaire man. Just say yes. And he was no, you have to come and like Ferrari was fucking that. Can I say a little side note? Forgive me. Cause I know this is

0:12:34 Thomas: A little

0:12:56 Tom: Wait, is this a different experience than the Nissan dealership? I just want to.

0:13:03 Thomas: Bit

0:13:04 Eli: This is a little different. They came and they brought us like espressos and we were just like, we were like talking about our dreams.

0:13:05 Thomas: Different. That's like a Hyundai will bring you espresso. I is wild to me. Like the most basic dealership will bring

0:13:16 Eli: Well, Well, I'm so glad you mentioned that. But like, we sat in fine leather chairs. I don't think we saw a car for an hour. Like, We he was like, tell me, what are the last three dreams you've had? Mm -hmm, mm -hmm. I understand. I understand, and what would be the favorite sexual position of the ideal partner? Oh, okay, okay. Uh -huh, uh -huh. Okay, got it. And have you ever touched real leather, and have you every bonded with a horse? You have bonded with the horse. Okay, you have bonded the horse, this is good, good to know. And then he sold us a beautiful Ferrari, which I wrote in for 10 seconds and was like, I'll never touch anything as nice ever again. Little did I know Toyota was above my standards. I should have appreciated every moment that shit that cake Toyota was in my possession. I go in. There's nobody fucking there. I wander around this empty fucking Nissan dealership for, I'm not kidding, three minutes. And I know three minutes isn't a long time right is a long time to be alone in a car dealership going hello hi

0:14:20 Thomas: It's kind of a long time yeah

0:14:24 Tom: My God. You usually can't even drive past a car dealership without somebody giving you their business card.

0:14:29 Thomas: Maybe this is one of the dumb ones we're like hey we decided our salesmen don't work on commission so go fuck yourself no one cares they did though there are

0:14:30 Eli: Maybe but very possible yeah well maybe who knows uh and you also have to keep in mind podcast because you hear me right you're like ah eli is a wild man man, he's wild card. No, in my real life, I'm bit shy and I'm very, very polite and genteel because I'm angry all the time. And I spent the first half of my life being like, fuck you, man, fight me. And then I went to a bunch of therapy and they turned me into a baby deer. And that's good. That's good because I's not in jail and wearing wig I made out of a mop, right and calling a man named scoots my husband right there are there are advantages to me learning to control my temper but it means that whenever I'm in a situation that's inappropriate right just get him mad tom walks into the empty nissan dealership he gently pulls the door from its hinges as he walks in he carefully folds a car like a napkin onto his lap to begin to wait But when it's three minutes and he hasn't done the thing, right, would go, excuse me, someone needs to come help me. But I'm just like, hi, hey, right? Just

0:15:45 Eli: Hello. Would someone please take my money? Finally, a guy wanders out and goes, oh, dude, are you here for a car? Because obviously what happens more often is people don't buy a car right they're like can I use your bathroom I shat against the front door of your building right not car related happens more of than not I'm like yeah um I found this listing online uh do you know know if it's still in stock. And he literally, this is the exact reaction. Yeah, man, it's still in stuck.

0:15:56 Thomas: Come to yeah yeah come to visit someone who works there I guess

0:16:24 Eli: Ha ha. Yeah man. It's still installed.

0:16:27 Thomas: Wow that's a good start

0:16:29 Eli: Uh, what's, got you shopping today? I go, Oh, cars totally goes, ah, it was too bad. Sorry. And I'm like, yeah, sorry. Thanks. So I'm again, I'm waiting on the thing. He's goes, cool. Cool. What, what kind of you and you always had Nissan's? I got no, uh Toyota guys, but But unfortunately, it looks like we didn't quite have the budget for a new Toyota or even for the Toyota that we had. And he goes, yeah, well, a lot of people tell me they barely noticed the difference. Hey, hey, that's what the car salesman said to me. He He's knows I have never bought a Nissan before. I have just expressed. I was a salesman. I was really good salesman, I've just expressed classic product hesitancy. Hesitation and he goes yeah what are you gonna fucking do yeah man you're not wrong anyways

0:17:18 Thomas: Like some people have said this one doesn't suck dicks if

0:17:23 Eli: No he did to be clear he did not say anything that that explicit he said some people tell me they can barely tell the difference were his words it was no they know it sucks dick but like not that much dick right yeah what're you gonna do so we go we look at the car it's on the showroom floor he looking at it and he he's doing the thing he hasn't been trained obviously or maybe he has and it's a nissan so what the fuck is he gonna say because he's just being like wheels wheels um mirrors trunk hood badge and we sort of stand there in silence for a second.

0:17:59 Thomas: Wheels on the car go around like oh you're still here most people have already left uh shit I don't have anything else

0:18:13 Eli: He's like, like do you want to, do you want to drive it? And I'm like, I guess. He was like, all right. Um, nobody

0:18:25 Thomas: I guess

0:18:26 Tom: I don't care either. They're like nobody cares about this transaction at all

0:18:29 Eli: Cares. Nobody cares. And we're all hating it. Is like, yeah, let me see if I can find the keys. He is gone. We're not in negotiation. I know the go in the back to make me tired so that I want the thing to be over we're not in negotiation we've not talked about the price at all and he's gone for 15 minutes he comes back he comes bank he's holding a cup of coffee for him is he is like got the keys other car beeps he's like I, I laugh.

0:18:47 Thomas: It's like oh you're still here oh man

0:19:06 Tom: My god oh

0:19:13 Eli: He, he walks away and I am laughing for two solid minutes, two solid minute. It was the perfect look. The funniest thing that's ever happened is when Kanye West said, I'm not going to say what race the doctor was perfect pause. It Was a Jewish doctor.

0:19:12 Thomas: That's too good oh man man. Yeah. He was Jewish.

0:19:31 Eli: But second is him coming back 15 minutes later and going got the keys and it going somewhere else and him going fuck I

0:19:36 Thomas: Now, does he come back with a new coffee is what I want to know. Like, did he, did you like, since he's back there finding the keys, he's like, like, I might as well freshen up here.

0:19:46 Eli: Know if it was new might as well get myself another little one

0:19:51 Tom: There anybody else working in that dealership it

0:19:53 Thomas: Dear God, no.

0:19:54 Eli: Not that I saw not even one second ever no not one second so

0:19:56 Tom: Was just this one kid oh

0:19:59 Thomas: You have been in a scenario? You know, there's movies where someone's just committed a crime and they have to pretend to work at the place. You know? Like they just murdered somebody.

0:20:08 Eli: I was getting catch me if you can't

0:20:10 Thomas: Yeah. Something like that, where it's like, I keep trying to think of the movie I'm thinking of. It's like someone kills somebody and then they got to pretend like they work there for a bit and they're just trying to get you to go away.

0:20:20 Eli: Excited oh no we don't have any of those yeah maybe I was being fucking in a full nine yards or whatever the case would be. So he comes back. We do the thing. He gets in the car. He's bad at driving. Like he's trying to back it out of the dealership and the opens door. The door and then he pushes it again and the floor is door closes and he's you know when someone jock blocks you with the handle, right? Like they won't stop pushing the button and so you can't unlock the door? He's He's doing that to himself with the garage door open.

0:20:54 Eli: Like he's pushing it. The button is starting. And then I watch him get impatient and push it again. And then it rumbles back to, and I'm like, hey, hey. Just once, just one time. Nope, not, not now. Now it's okay.

0:20:53 Tom: My yeah well

0:20:59 Thomas: My god here let me teach you how your thing works at your business oh

0:21:07 Eli: Here, let's wait. Let's just wait until it stops making noise. Okay. And now you're going to push one button and then we're just going to sit here. We'll sit here for as long as it takes. And he's like, okay. Finally his garage door opens. He pulls it out we drive around the block we're driving for about two minutes and I go uh I drive it now and he literally fucking

0:21:35 Tom: This is the weirdest experience ever.

0:21:35 Thomas: Should

0:21:35 Eli: He literally forgot he forgot he was like on a test drive yeah this is going great so he's like yeah yeah yeah

0:21:46 Tom: Should have asked him if he was interested in buying that car.

0:21:47 Thomas: I well how do I like it yeah

0:21:49 Tom: Eli, next time, you should turn the tables and see if you can sell him the car.

0:21:49 Thomas: Shit oh yeah what's a good take for me to put you in this car

0:21:55 Eli: It gonna take I feel like like we're close let's get there let's get there together so he's like oh yeah yeah yeah pulls over and then I get out he gets in he goes

0:21:58 Thomas: How old is this guy are we talking it was not like a teenager

0:22:06 Eli: Five he's a five he is a baby he's an infant child he's you know how young he is you know how they don't really make dress shirts for children and so sometimes you'll see a young man who is very clearly in the first dress shirt he ever bought right Right. Because he's only bought XL medium T -shirts. And they were like, what size shirt are you? And he was like, shirt sized. He's in this fucking balloon of a shirt. It's too silky. It's Too Smooth. Right. He obviously felt the material at TJ Maxx and was like this one's nicer because it's softer. And now he just looks like a fucking Italian prostitute in a 1990s movie. So we switch cars and he goes, do you know if there's a good sandwich spot around here? And I'm like, Hey man, what? He's like, I just, I'm probably going to get lunch after this. And I was, I don't live here. And, um, uh, I was just wondering if you knew any good sandwich spots around here. No, it's like a man. There's one, this is pretty good. And there's another one there. He's cool. Cool. Cool, cool. My lunch is pretty soon anyways. And I realized, Oh, he wants me to use this test drive to drive him to the sandwich

0:23:18 Tom: Way.

0:23:18 Eli: Spot. Yeah. AndI go, do you want to drive over to the sandwich spot so that you can grab your lunch? And he's like, yeah, that'd actually be awesome. It's crazy. I don't have a car. And I'm like, Oh yeah.

0:23:29 Tom: What? He works at the Nissan dealership and he doesn't have a car?

0:23:32 Eli: Does it does not happen.

0:23:34 Tom: The Nissan dealerships like, yeah, no, we're not. Everybody else gets one. Everybody else get one, but not you. You.

0:23:37 Thomas: I don't have a car oh wow

0:23:41 Eli: And I'm like yep. So we go, we go to the sandwich shop, we order the thing and and I'm I'm thinking to myself because I'm there's this thing that happens when I'm in a bad situation in my life that's funny where my brain goes well nothing matters so have some fun and that's when I get arrested right that's always because there's consequences for me there's not consequences for anyone else but there's consequences for every time I go I don't know I think I'll be a little sassy everyone goes whoa dude not cool rules are for you so we're standing in the line and I'm like hey there's a chance that this guy's not gonna have the money to pay for his sandwich and when that happens you need to just pay for him sandwich and be nice and not deal outraged or anything and he's like and I can tell because of the way he's ordering right he's like eyeing me every time he adds to the sandwich he's I think probably just the Italian, the Italian basics is fine.

0:24:20 Tom: Oh my God. No way.

0:24:25 Thomas: What

0:24:43 Tom: There's no way that this happened.

0:24:45 Thomas: This guy doesn't work there there's

0:24:47 Tom: Guy doesn't work at all. This is just somebody. Are you sure you didn't show up on a Sunday when the dealership was closed and this was just a guy wandering around was

0:24:49 Thomas: Way that's so funny this is so good I'm

0:24:58 Eli: So he, he's like, do you want anything? And I'm like, oh no, I'm, I's fine. A sandwich? Do I want a full fucking sandwich right now? No, no, um, I've got a, remember I was buying a car? And he's like yeah yeah yeah okay and there's a pause and I'm like hey man and just as it's now credit where credit's due he then pulls he pulls a single loose credit card out of his pocket Okay.

0:25:07 Thomas: Here to buy a car oh no

0:25:32 Eli: Definitely not.

0:25:29 Thomas: No oh my god what

0:25:33 Eli: It's a single loose credit card. And he's like, Oh, you know what? Um, let me get, uh, as well. It's like a whole other sandwich. And I'm like, okay, he fucking stole this credit card and he's stocking up for a week. And then I realized, no he's picking up the lunch order for the dealership gentlemen gentlemen take a second do a 20 to 35 minute meditation and then come back to me and take a guess how many sandwiches

0:25:37 Thomas: Is happening no no

0:26:07 Eli: Do you think this this young man purchased in front of me

0:26:10 Thomas: This is unbelievable no no

0:26:10 Tom: This is not even possible I love this is no so much that you paid money to have this experience six

0:26:16 Thomas: Sorry I started doing obsession no no No, how did this happen? How did this happened?

0:26:27 Eli: I know you I think karma's real guys and I think all the mean shit I did in high school it's just all

0:26:30 Thomas: It could be that baby you ran over could be specifically

0:26:33 Eli: I think it's all coming up on the back end yeah it's a car related karma too that can yeah I'm not running out of stuff go on take a guess how many sandwiches did he order besides his own six sandwiches that is correct a total of seven sandwiches and each time he went oh and you know what I'll also get and I was like stop stop first of all the girl is making them one at a time this is like an italian sandwich shop in my town so we get his seven sandwiches I'm like you're hungry and he's like we drive back to the dealership he's so so what do you what do what do you think

0:26:35 Thomas: Car related, you know, the gods, they do that. It's on, it's themed 15.

0:26:48 Thomas: No way. Oh no. Yeah, why are you, yeah, pretending. Oh, my God. Do you think of sandwiches?

0:27:15 Eli: What do you think and this is clearly like I watch if you ever watch someone I see this happen a lot of the times I'll meet listeners and a listener they're listening at home they're having a good time and they're like this is a joke I'm gonna tell Eli if I ever meet him I'm going to be like what up bitch tits and he's going to be like and then instead they're like bitch and I'm like hey man what there's a bunch of people taking a picture and you just yelled bitch really loud and he they're like no I didn't you did that are you crying holding eight sandwiches no so I and he has a script and he's like the thing you have to understand about a car is that it's not about the car it's about where the car takes you I'm like sorry what and he said it's none of them it's time out the carts about where in the car the the car takes you. And I was like, well, the car mostly just takes me about my life and occasionally on trips. And he was like well, this car, I'll do that, do it. And I'm like, great, let's get some out the door pricing going.

0:28:23 Eli: Now, I will say this, for an advantage, I could, because again, I am struggling for three weeks. I've been like, can't afford that car, can afford that car. I can afford every Nissan in the building combined. I could I buy could this dealership is what is available to me there's not a single car in the building that I can't afford new used baby car bicycle people who work there nothing I can buy so there's no way plus prices are listed online now the other thing is and thomas teased this at the beginning right there's a price that's listed and then they go well we're gonna put the premium air in the the tires for you so that's gonna be a fee this guy brings me a you ever see someone who has printed made something and you're like how do you have a printer that old right it doesn't have the vegete vegete things on the side it's not a filofax printer it hasn't like it's like an old xerox of a xeroxe and he brings it out to me he's like here's final price and there's just no fees he hasn't even attempted he has not even attempted to fuck me he's just like that's the price you saw on the internet

0:29:33 Thomas: Wasn't

0:29:33 Eli: And then there's then there're taxes that the government said we have to do those I'm so sorry I tried not to but they yelled at us and the compooper did the math and that's how much the car is and I'm like yep let's do it I'm waiting on these checks from geico but uh do you want me to put a deposit down he goes I was a hundred percent. And again, I need to be clear. I'm not exaggerating at all. He goes, you don't have to, but I can call you if someone else comes in. And I go,

0:29:33 Thomas: Even like a sandwich fee or delivery fee

0:29:59 Tom: Will, though. Nobody ever comes here.

0:30:01 Eli: I go okay. Do you want my number? And he goes, yeah.

0:30:06 Tom: I'll need that for the calling. Yeah.

0:30:06 Thomas: His hand.

0:30:08 Eli: He just writes my number on the paper and then hands it to me. And then I go to him

0:30:18 Thomas: Way. No, this is not possible.

0:30:23 Eli: And I go with his bag of sandwiches no nothing no card no nothing just disappears

0:30:29 Tom: Haven't even bought these cars yet.

0:30:31 Eli: I do not currently own either of these cars for

0:30:32 Thomas: OK, so when you told someone who lived there, they're like that car dealership hasn't been open for this isn't real.

0:30:37 Eli: 40 years yeah when I go back it'll be gone it'll all be gone yeah I'll let you know how it wraps up there's probably another bad thing that'll happen along this path so excited to fill you in when that happened but here's here's here's what I want you all to take away from this uh those of you out there who enjoy comic books there's a there's a batman comic called the killing joke and it's what the dark knight is based on it's the notion that we're all just one bad day away from sort of breaking or cracking and And that's not true, actually. I need a remake of the Killing Joke where just goes, ah, it is what it is, and then he just fucking continues to Joker gets elected president and nothing ever, no one breaks and and nothing matters and nobody cares and everyone just continues to have as bad a life as possible because they're vaguely aware that it's worse for someone else.

0:30:44 Thomas: That's impossible. That's possible. There's no way. Yeah. Yep. Oh,

0:31:39 Eli: I get to be police commissioner still and then if they take that away I'll probably still have arms and then when they take those away I don't know, maybe I'll be dead that would be cool so that was my car buying experience

0:31:39 Thomas: My God. Oh, yeah.

0:31:52 Tom: But Eli, how excited are you to have the Nissan? On when this is all said and done and then you get you get a car you don't even want

0:31:58 Eli: I'm so excited America's 8th most reliable car brand get me in the steering wheel everything like I didn't know I had a nice car car everything was plastic I was just like oh yeah I guess the fucking wheel can be just straight up and down plastic doesn't have to be fucking cloth like the seats felt like plastic I if they did that like thing and I was like oh god I haven't felt a car hasn't made a noise when I sat in it in such a long time like what a bad thing is happening to me what a Bad Thing well

0:32:30 Tom: Oh eli oh god I hate this for you my god

0:32:38 Thomas: Man oh

0:32:39 Eli: Deserved deserved well deserved shouldn't

0:32:42 Thomas: Shouldn't have run over that baby oh

0:32:44 Eli: Have run over that baby I'm

0:32:46 Thomas: My god we

0:32:46 Tom: I gotta buy a car in december now I don't know if I'm looking forward to it or dreading it I don't even know.

0:32:51 Eli: So excited for you out of the opposite experience

0:32:54 Thomas: Gotta hear the continuation of eli having tom's luck yeah you're gonna get blown and

0:32:58 Tom: Is great.

0:32:58 Eli: You show up and they're like all right sir you're the one millionth customer free any free any car in the building it's all for you I

0:33:08 Tom: What happens, I mean, I love you and everything, but I hope what happens is you get the bad luck, but then I get neutral luck. I'm not even hoping for good luck.

0:33:10 Thomas: So good it's not how it works tom

0:33:16 Tom: I think that's, I'm trying to get ridiculous, Eli Bosnack.

0:33:11 Eli: Die you don't want good luck I think you should get some good okay well let's be clear you you bagged hailey which was very good good luck.

0:33:22 Tom: Let's not, can I just have neutral luck? Neutral would be good. That's what I mean. I've been paying, yeah, yeah.

0:33:28 Eli: So the pendulum had to swing all

0:33:30 Tom: Swing back.

0:33:30 Eli: The way to bad, right?

0:33:31 Tom: Yeah.

0:33:31 Eli: Started faking it. Then they caught her down in that hospital in Texas. They looked inside her head and they were like, there's nothing in here.

0:33:34 Tom: That's not short. Not what happened. No, not

0:33:38 Eli: Nice try lady. So I sent her home. Now I think that the, you're sort of hovering amount neutral again, but I think you could, I think it's you could get a little good. I think he could have a little kid.

0:33:38 Tom: Accurate.

0:33:50 Eli: Not great.

0:33:50 Tom: Wouldn't mind.

0:33:50 Thomas: Don't fall for it don't fall for he's trying to get his luck back

0:33:51 Tom: Don't get me wrong. I wouldn't mind an

0:33:54 Eli: I don't look, I'm not saying you need like, Haley has a twin sister who's into threesomes, right? But I am saying you could find a 20 in a pocket. I think you could safely find a twenty in a bucket.

0:34:02 Tom: Incest.

0:34:04 Thomas: That goes without saying yeah

0:34:09 Tom: Wouldn't mind that. I would not mind that that would be, that would be good. I'll take a 20 in my pocket.

0:34:21 Tom: Alright, so for the rest of the episode, the whopping, you know, maybe 15 minutes or so that we have, we want to talk about this fucking absolutely unhinged list. Ask Men Over 30 is the subreddit. It's books nearly every 30-year-old man should read. So when I saw this, I was like, okay.

0:34:36 Thomas: Question who joins this subreddit like who who is like oh I'm

0:34:40 Eli: The people who have just come out of that Nissan dealership.

0:34:42 Tom: Ask Men Over 30?

0:34:44 Thomas: A man over 30 I gonna join to provide my wisdom.

0:34:48 Eli: The opinion of a man over 30 every

0:34:52 Tom: Of that is? You think there's anyone like 65? Like, I'm a man over 30

0:34:56 Thomas: Would say probably no, because I bet they would have their own. That's like, oh, fucking boomers over 70, you know, like yeah, I would guess this.

0:35:02 Tom: Everybody over 30 I think that's a pretty wide range It's like, you know, alright 31

0:35:07 Eli: Of men hey all of the posts in this group are the saddest thing you've ever read guys

0:35:14 Thomas: Yeah, I think over 30 mean, what would you guess? I would Guess. And obviously not a hundred percent, but like 80% of the people who joined, I would say are 30 to 54. That what I would think. I think think once, once you get older, you're probably joining in like a, yeah,

0:35:29 Tom: I feel like by the time you're in your 40s You're just like, I don't know I'm not hanging out with those youngsters anymore Those 30 -somethings

0:35:35 Thomas: You might be right. I might, I might have oversold it.

0:35:36 Tom: You know no absolutely not

0:35:37 Eli: Guys I'm so sorry I gotta read you some of these post titles because I'm feeling a lot better about my nissan experience and number one anyone else felt the need to rush to ideal life in their 30s and how to snap out of it. Did the book She Comes First help you in giving her an orgasm? How do you find the strength?

0:35:44 Tom: Boy oh no how bad I don't even know what that means you're over 30 wait

0:36:00 Eli: What hobbies did you start that had the biggest impact on

0:36:02 Tom: Is that the

0:36:00 Thomas: How do you, how do you find the strength?

0:36:03 Eli: Your...

0:36:03 Thomas: Just strength

0:36:03 Tom: Whole thing how do you find the strength that's bleak oh

0:36:05 Thomas: Of what? Yeah.

0:36:04 Eli: How do find the strenght? What Hobbies did you start that have the biggest impacts on your social life? I've opted out of conventional masculine ideas of success. How to define my purpose. These posts are all suicide notes. Every single one of them. You can't click a profile where has been deleted by the local police department.

0:36:29 Thomas: That's nice. Yeah, it's been preserved. Yeah what do they say? It's like, no. No.

0:36:32 Eli: Yeah, mm -hmm. In memoriam. Yeah, in memoriam, but

0:36:36 Thomas: Which suicide note did you read, Tom?

0:36:38 Tom: All so here this one says uh books nearly every 30-year-old male should read I feel in in need of a book.

0:36:44 Eli: Not a great start. How

0:36:45 Tom: Nope. I feel in need of a look that will change my perspective on life and or help me transition into my 30s slash adulthood fiction.

0:36:53 Eli: About strunken white there fucking

0:36:54 Thomas: Sorry, you're not in adulthood yet. Imagine being nearly 30 and be like, I need to transition into adulthood.

0:37:02 Tom: I'm looking to start the transition into adulthood.

0:37:04 Thomas: What?

0:37:05 Tom: I mean, I'm only 29. What the fuck are you doing?

0:37:06 Thomas: Jesus Christ. Boy.

0:37:09 Tom: Fiction, nonfiction or whatever you felt made an impact on you around the age of 30. So clearly, first of all, this person is not yet 30 and is in Ask Men over 30. So I think they're maybe looking ahead like, all right, here we go. So now,

0:37:19 Thomas: He wants to know what's coming. Yeah he's preparing. You know, this is good. Resourceful he's preparing himself what

0:37:26 Tom: Eli, I think you saw something different as a top post. My top post that I see says 1984 and Brave New World as the top post, so this is clearly somebody who's like, hey, you should go back and read these books from high school.

0:37:34 Thomas: What does that have to do well it's also like what does it have to deal with like the thing that clearly he wants let's not those are books that you should probably read but not because you're turning 30 like what is that you know what I mean like it doesn't really have anything to do

0:37:51 Tom: Not sure this is going to shift your perspective on the world, right? If you read 1984 and it shifts your perspective on the world I feel like you haven't been paying attention to the world very much

0:38:00 Eli: Had a really crazy perspective of the world before

0:38:02 Thomas: You're gonna be like man things can be better than they are

0:38:06 Eli: You're saying there could be like an organized governmental system of justice all right I'm interested I'm interesting to hear a cohesive government that makes decisions all right okay here we go yeah

0:38:17 Tom: I used when I was online I used to see this next one like fucking meditations by marcus aurelius there is like a like a newfound I don't know if it's newfound but there's like an amplified love for this sort of like I don't know, the older Greeks and what have you

0:38:20 Thomas: For fuck's sake oh is tom hitting because as usual tom's three internets ago he's hitting the the trend from about 10 years ago eli

0:38:37 Tom: I mean I don't fucking internet right so like I maybe this is gone I have no idea but like jesus well it's clearly here's the thing this is from nine days ago and they're still suggesting the same shit

0:38:42 Thomas: It is this was a while ago oh I know yeah there's still other people who are like you yeah but like this trend happened 10 years ago at least yeah stoicism I

0:38:53 Tom: Well let's just this like brings stoicism and all that bad like yeah right it's just like oh my god you took one fucking philosophy philosophy class and you're just trying to jerk it off forever.

0:38:59 Thomas: Hate it yeah

0:39:04 Eli: Like it because nobody who's read the greeks would ever recommend reading the greek right so it's just a person being like hmm another riposte from reddit time for me to demonstrate once again that I am a man of culture and intelligence perhaps you've heard of marcus aurelius because here's the thing if you haven't read ancient greek philosophy it's like how do we know good is good it's the fucking dumbest most a priori bullshit and look if you're a philosophy student in your first freshman seminar by all means get your ball sack blown up by that shit but nobody in their 30s in 2026 needs to hear Ek Dialog Un Ikathos.

0:39:51 Tom: It's not useful. Like it's, it's like the same assholes who read like, Sun uh, Tzu's art of war. Like, oh, that's what helped me in business or whatever. And you're like, no, it will not help you in anything. It is not. Yeah. What? What? Like, oh my

0:40:01 Eli: Hills are good. If you're on hill, he not on hill. You shoot him with an arrow bunch of time before he gets to bunch top the hill. But if he on a hill and you at the bottom of the hill, you should ask him to switch. I'm Sun Tzu.

0:40:11 Tom: My God, God.

0:40:16 Thomas: I'm sure it's very helpful with, like, infantry combat or something, but I don't think that's useful.

0:40:23 Tom: Well, if you think about it as a metaphor, it's not, it's not a metaphor. It's literally not written as a metaphor.

0:40:26 Eli: Not. It's an actual specific

0:40:26 Thomas: Don' t think he was writing it as a metaphor.

0:40:27 Eli: Guide.

0:40:29 Thomas: I think he wasn' t literally doing that.

0:40:29 Tom: itS not what it's good for. This next one I'll admit, I did not read all of these, but I want to read this because I hate one of these books with a fucking fiery passion I've got, okay, by John Hersey I don't know that one the heart is a lonely hunter by Carson McCullers I don't know that one to have and have not by Ernest Hemingway, Hemingway's okay a canticle for Leibowitz by Walter M. Miller never heard of it this next one is the

0:40:55 Eli: Fucking one

0:40:55 Thomas: M not even seeing, oh, there' s that one. Is

0:40:57 Eli: Of these doesn't belong.

0:40:58 Tom: Swear to god this next One is one of my most hated books of all time and I literally hate everybody that likes it stranger in a strange land by robert Heinlein. There is almost no more shitty book for shitty people. And if you want a litmus test of if somebody is shitty or not, ask them if they grok stuff, right?

0:41:20 Eli: Stranger is strange. It's the origin of the word grok.

0:41:21 Tom: Fucking horrible.

0:41:21 Thomas: That that okay I read that for philosophers in space back in the day is that that one the grok one yeah I did not I didn't get as I didn't get it I was like what are we doing here

0:41:27 Tom: It's that one. Yeah. Yep. It

0:41:27 Eli: It's the grok one. So, look, it is pretty groundbreaking for its time. But, hey, guess what? Now we are in modern times. So, it's a sexist piece of shit that is all about the entitlement that smart people have to the bodies and beings of other people.

0:41:33 Tom: Jesus is it's so misogynist.

0:41:38 Thomas: Is this the yeah but is this the one where like for an hour all of a sudden it's some what is it it's somebody who's like part of the legal something and they describe how they're so literal. They would only describe exactly they see because, you know, I'm talking about it's just like a fucking chapter. That's just this detour on how this one particular person in whatever the society is who does this job, some sort of legal job is so literal that they would never say like they saw a red barn. They wouldn't say it was red. They would say the front of the barn that they're seeing is red. But the rest of it could be a different. I was like, what do we do it? What is this? That's the one with grok so I I don't know

0:42:30 Eli: That is the one with grok, I don' t remember it.

0:42:30 Tom: That is that one then yeah

0:42:32 Thomas: That was so fucking weird

0:42:32 Tom: I don't remember that particular piece of it but yeah it's an obnoxiously bad book

0:42:38 Eli: I it's an obnoxiously bad book. There's Uh, a third book in the series where the Martian tells people you can fuck kids and that's fun. That's a good one. I do always remind people that Heinlein did go on to be a pretty open, uh, pedophile advocate, which is pretty great. Um. My, my other favorite thing about that book is that in the first sex scene that the Martion has, cause the Martien immediately immediately fucks a lady, uh, that's why it was groundbreaking by the way, is because the fucking, there was fucking in it, uh he's like, hey, the lady's trying to enjoy sex, and he's, like, stop enjoying sex, and just focus on my penis, and then she instantly comes, she's, like, and I, the, the because, look, you know, a generation of sci-fi nerds finally was nice enough to Denise that she was like, all right, fine, Rathfield, I'll fight you. And he was like um, don't focus, focus on my penis. And she was like, nevermind. I'll be going

0:42:45 Tom: Good times

0:43:35 Eli: Home now. Oh no. Robert, you led me astray.

0:43:41 Tom: All so this next this again stranger in a strange land no no you're bad people the pearl the pearl by john steinbeck how is that changing anyone's life it's not even a particularly good steinbeck novel

0:43:45 Thomas: What why are people saying that imagine

0:43:45 Eli: It, guys. You gotta stop. The Pearl by John Steinbeck.

0:43:54 Thomas: Knowing most of these books this is crazy yeah

0:43:57 Tom: Sapiens a brief history of humankind

0:44:02 Eli: No. no podcast if you want to be a boring man if

0:44:08 Tom: I read sapiens and it was fine it's fine

0:44:12 Eli: Sapiens

0:44:12 Thomas: It's interesting but then yeah half

0:44:13 Eli: Look we're all podcasters so we fucking I love sapiens are you kidding a series of fun facts for me to drill into the foreheads of people at every party I see for the next year you know blueberries were originally propagated via it's dinner party bore the book and like all of us it's wrong about a bunch of stuff so it's actually pretty perfect for a 30 year old man it's

0:44:24 Thomas: Of which turned out to be wrong yeah Yeah. Yeah.

0:44:39 Tom: Let me read the rest of these because this is this is pretty bad but there's also a there's a commonality here that I want to point out so Man's Search for Meaning, I actually think that's an excellent book and I bought it for the kids.

0:44:49 Eli: A great book it's a

0:44:50 Tom: That's a terrific book. Honestly, no notes.

0:44:52 Thomas: Someone. So someone got one right. Okay.

0:44:54 Tom: That one's great. Recursion by Blake Crouch. I don't know it. The Giver by Lois Lowry. Not familiar.

0:44:50 Eli: Great incredible book oh hey can I say that's the saddest fucking answer that is literally hop on pop it is literally hop on bop great

0:45:09 Tom: My God. A Tree Grows in Brooklyn. Oh, Clara and the Sun, Kazuo Ishiguro. Wonderful book. Everything Ishigiro has written is you should read it right right away. To Kill a Mockingbird, Harper Lee. Steppenwolf by Herman Hesse. The Outsiders, S.E. Hinton also. Thank you.

0:45:16 Eli: Book yeah these are just the 8th

0:45:25 Thomas: Why would you? What? Yeah, that's just.

0:45:29 Eli: Grade reading list is just

0:45:31 Thomas: Look, if I've read the book, it's a bad sign. It's a bet.

0:45:31 Tom: That's what I want to point out. Yeah. Almost all of these books, recommendations, what they point out is that the people recommending books haven't read, they're 30 and they haven't written anything in 12 years, right? These are people like, Like, I think I remember this.

0:45:40 Thomas: Haven't read books since high school. Yeah? That's

0:45:48 Tom: Let me go dig up Mrs. Warren's reading list from my sophomore year.

0:45:49 Thomas: So funny. Oh, boy.

0:45:53 Tom: This is like, these what changed your life. They changed your wife when you were 18. How did they change your life when you're 18?

0:45:57 Thomas: I love to kill a mockingbird freshman year of high high school it was really good that year that was I liked it but I you were telling someone who's turning 30 why in the fuck would they need to read to kill a mockingbird what that

0:46:09 Tom: No idea. No idea what that's going to do for you as a 29 -year -old to shift your perspective into fucking adulthood. It literally is not about that at all.

0:46:16 Thomas: Is the weirdest thing I've ever heard that

0:46:18 Tom: This next one is just a lie, Master and Margarita. No that's not on anyone's to read list that's just no um of Wrath I that that is the best Steinbeck book I

0:46:23 Thomas: Is it's just yeah

0:46:29 Eli: For smart men smart man book book smart man that isn't mice and men steinbeck book please read google

0:46:36 Thomas: I think you'd be better off with mice and men like that one seems like more sort of relevant I guess exactly

0:46:42 Eli: That one's about shooting your friend who needs you to shoot him at least yeah we all need someone to shoot us in the head

0:46:43 Tom: It's yeah but

0:46:45 Thomas: Which we We all need someone to shoot us right now.

0:46:51 Tom: I know we're running low on time but I want to read this next one because of the the follow -up this is great maybe you read the Lord of the Rings as a boy now read it as a man what the fuck does that even mean what

0:47:02 Thomas: So good.

0:47:02 Eli: Hell yeah gatekeep that little story with elves and hobbits bitch get in there

0:47:11 Tom: What

0:47:11 Thomas: They're just saying they'll appreciate it more, you know?

0:47:12 Tom: Why

0:47:12 Eli: When you feel fucking ready for the real shit that's when you can really see Galadriel's pushy flaps you fucking loser what a sad life what a fucking imagine writing that on the internet for another hey I got something to say I need this carved in the stone of time fucking let me know when you're ready to buckle in and get serious about lord of the I love lord of rings but

0:47:23 Tom: What what a fucking crazy answer that is oh my god

0:47:28 Thomas: That's so funny. Yeah. Yeah.

0:47:45 Tom: It's just it's fine that's the thing about lord of the rings it's like it's I don't particularly like the writing style. I don't think there' s anything like you' re getting deeper out of it. Like, oh, man, as I've matured, the plight of the hobbits is really meant differently. No, that's not. The book doesn't change and evolve. Some do.

0:48:04 Tom: That's just entertainment. It's okay to have an entertainment category. It's just fucking entertainment. Jesus Christ.

0:48:09 Eli: Like there was one person on this thread who was like I really like red rising this poor poor motherfucker, just trying to give an actual book recommendation. Here's a fun sci -fi series I've been enjoying. Hey man, everyone else on this thread is in psychosis, pulling out their 8th grade English notebook to read the back of everything I've read this year. Stop giving book recommendations on this suicide note on the suicide note forum.

0:48:36 Tom: My God. This is terrible recommendations. Recommendations honestly the worst the worst

0:48:39 Eli: Terrible. Yep,

0:48:41 Thomas: I'm going to go to the men over 40 sub for my recommendations. It'll be all the same ones.

0:48:46 Eli: That's right. Exactly. Except large print gentlemen

0:48:49 Thomas: Yeah.

0:48:56 Eli: Before we go I was just hospitalized for being cringe they put me in the awkward yeah

0:49:06 Tom: God oh my God all

0:49:08 Thomas: That's funny.

0:49:13 Clip: Want to meet sexy DILFs in your area? Email the dads at DearOldDads.com or, better yet, send us a message on Patreon. You can follow us on all social media by checking the links in the show notes. And if you need more podcasts in your life, you can find Tom on Cognitive Dissonance, Thomas on Serious Inquiries Only, and Eli on Godawful Movies and all the Puzzle and the Thunderstorm shows. Dear Old Dads is edited and produced by my favorite DILF, Tom Smith, who also wrote and recorded the intro music, which is used with his permission. This podcast is a production of Daddy Issues LLC. Copyright 2022. All rights reserved.

0:49:53 Eli: That sounds great let's

0:49:56 Tom: Oh eli oh

0:49:59 Thomas: Don't fall for it don't fall for he's trying to get his luck back

0:50:03 Eli: If he on a hill and you at the bottom of the hill, you should ask him to switch. I'm