DOD286: Eli and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

Transcript

This transcript was generated automatically and may contain errors — the audio is the record.

0:00:02 Clip: I'm the cool dad, that's my thing I know now what I can offer you that no one else can Complete and under-dependent I'm a man, I'm sensitive I need to feel loved, I need part of being a father that I enjoy

0:00:28 Tom: Welcome to Dear Old Dads, the podcast that definitely should have its license revoked. I'm Tom Curry. I'm joined, as always, by Thomas Smith and Eli Bosnick. Hello, gentlemen. We're recording right on time today, right? Yeah. Yeah.

0:00:41 Thomas: Yeah, yeah. So this has happened to me a few times because the way messages work, I only see the most recent one in the notifications. And I see, I had to check, I did the cartoon like, like a few times. I see one Eli Bosnick saying, gonna be 15 minutes late. And I'm like, oh, the sweet taste of the moral high ground for once. Eli's gonna be late. Let me dig into this and I pop open the uh the app and see the rest of the messages

0:01:02 Tom: I assumed the mattress fire had spread to his house at that point, right, yeah.

0:01:17 Eli: To be fair, this lateness is still on me. There's a certain amount of preparedness I could be. So, gentlemen, I'm about to tell you what happened, but beforehand I've got some sad news, podcast listener. I'm afraid this is the last ever episode of Dear Old Dads. Why, you say? I'll tell you. I can no longer be associated with Tom Curry. Now, I know what you're thinking.

0:01:38 Eli: Is it because his denial of Western science will eventually lead him No. No. We love that about him. We're excited for that new phase in his life. No, it's because his bad luck is contagious. It's contagious.

0:01:55 Tom: Ruh -roh shaggy.

0:01:55 Eli: And this was revealed to me last night when at 2 .30 in the morning, by the way, for those of you who haven't tuned into every single episode, just a quick reminder that I am solo with my son for 10 days this week. So starting last Sunday, a week before yesterday, as of this recording, my wife flew to the West Coast for Fiddle Tunes Fiddel Camp, as well as seeing her family, which is in her hometown. She's having an amazing time. My son started his first week of camp, but it has just been him and me. It has been daddy duty and my full jobs just also doing my full all of my other jobs at the same time which again like this is a part of a lot of people's lives and I know that we've talked before about the fact that hypothetically there are single parents that's not true every year when this week happens it becomes more obvious that the so -called single parenting lie is a conspiracy by by big, big, single, one giant single parent to try to convince us that they're real.

0:02:44 Thomas: Yeah not for not really

0:02:46 Tom: Big single parents

0:03:01 Eli: Nobody, yeah, exactly. Nobody could do this for more than 10 minutes, let alone ever. So that's obviously not true. But I've been solo with my son. It's been a lot. It's Been Wonderful, and we've had a good time, but it's been A Lot for a lot of reasons. The number one reason is, and I've talked about this, is that Max deals with some self -control issues. And it's funny because the older you're a neurotypical kid, your neuro spicy kid gets, the less fun his self -control issues become. And the more your entire parenting experience becomes about whether or not they had a good day or a bad day, everything becomes a sticker system and a thumbs up and a the thumbs down and everyone else's kid is learning. Everyone else's kid is having a summer camp experience or a school experience or anything. Everyone else is kid is a child. You basically drop a little time bomb off to various people who you beg in your nicest tone of voice to please don't ban my child

0:02:58 Thomas: Yeah by big guilt

0:04:03 Eli: From this bomb sanctuary. And then you go and then the only thing you ever tell you, Hey, did the bomb go off today? And and you go I'm so sorry the bomb went off today I've read every book about bombs and you know what they actually don't know fucking shit I've never seen the horizon line be round so maybe maybe tom's got a fucking point so he's been dealing with some hitting at camp which sucks because as I've mentioned in other places this is the thing he's looked forward to literally all year right is like we count down to this camp which is for neuro spicy kids and they by the way are fucking amazing like I want to be very clear here because a lot of the times when I talk to people about this they'll be like oh well the camp needs the camp's doing everything camp has prize charts and fucking pulled out all the stops I'm going to talk about what they did 10 seconds ago when I'm done talking about this but they're they're amazing that there's never a why haven't you fixed your kid vibe

0:04:10 Thomas: Yeah which is important to say because I do feel like with my kids especially I want to emphasize that there's no perfect path that leads to my kids not fucking being the worst a lot of times like I just do not think there is because they just instantly get so tough with each other like in In the fraction of a second.

0:05:23 Eli: Yeah yeah absolutely most of your kids don't have ieps and stuff right so So, like, even, keep in mind that it's as hard as it is for us, and we are incredibly lucky to have the world's best IEP team, an incredibly robust IEP, and a camp for special needs kids.

0:05:40 Tom: Real quick can I ask does the camp actually take in the iep is it a camp like through the school district

0:05:42 Eli: Yeah. No, no, no. So, this is a private camp called Harbor Haven. Big shout outs to fucking Harbor Haven, they're incredible in all the ways. But they do take the IEP and they consider it when they are setting up his, like... His thing. And yeah, they are incredible. A ton of the staff are neurodivergent, although campers are neuro -diverging. A ton of the staff are the siblings of neurodivergent kids. It's just it's just so wonderful and incredible and supportive. And they're really what's amazing about Harbor Haven is that it's like a lot of the time the care of special needs kids is medicalized. You can taste the disinfectant in the air where they're sort of like, oh, yeah, we'll hold on to it for a second. You're like, Oh, did you mean to say it just now when you were describing my favorite person? And they're like oh no, him, her, whatever fucking thing. Yeah, no, we get it. Which don't worry. We talked to RFK Jr. He told us.

0:05:58 Tom: That's awesome awesome

0:06:35 Eli: He told us about it and they're just so excited for your kid to have a camp experience, right? It is literally a camp experience. Happy side note story because can I tell you podcast listener? First of all, apologies new listener. That is just the Jew yapping at you. I promise sometimes we do talk about stuff. Side note, the other night we're doing a bedtime thing and he's been struggling and so I try to really hit home positivity with him and I'm like, hey buddy, I just want you to know I'm proud of you and you are smart. And he says, apropos of nothing, he's like, I am smart, I am kind, and I am the best me I can be. Now, turns out that's the camp pledge and they say it every morning. He was just picking up the vibes.

0:07:16 Tom: Isn't it also a saturday night live bit you know like yeah

0:07:19 Thomas: Yeah, that's what's... Yeah.

0:07:19 Eli: Yeah, exactly. It's a Stuart Smiley bit. He loves the classic SNL, loves Mango. He mostly does Mango before bed, so it was exciting that he stopped doing Mango for a second. And I was so happy and taken aback that I, being the horror that I am, went, fuck yeah, which is not how you want to respond.

0:07:26 Thomas: Makeup. Yeah.

0:07:37 Eli: And then I softened it. Again, this is how I was able to soften it. I softening it to hell yeah. I was like, I mean, hell. I mean non -swear shit. Yeah, Exactly. So that's been tough our jobs are already a lot of work and so parenting and also this job has been really hard and then we had the weekend where there was no thing during the day it was just he went to his sitter for a couple of hours but like again when he is not here I am doing the full -time day job that I still have

0:07:44 Tom: Hell fucking yeah wait nope that mad that made it worse that made a little worse fucking

0:08:11 Eli: That doesn't end it's been rough it's tough but it's part of parenting saying, and look, this is part of being an egalitarian parent, right? We try and talk about like, how do we balance the workload? How do we make things fair? And part of being anegalitarian dad, if you want to be a dad, is that sometimes you go through what moms have been going through for fucking ever. Like, if anything, this just makes me appreciate what Anna does on a week -to -week basis. Obviously, she doesn't have a day job in the same ways that I do, but she still works. She's still gay. She still still does a tremendous amount she does a tremendous amount of the child care all the time and often does solos when I'm at live shows and stuff so it's made me appreciate her but it's been a tough week then last night 2 .30 in the morning there is a loud bang from outside of my house a bang and Santa Claus has landed on the roof with the appropriate medication schedule for my son no no he is not and look I live in a T -bone alley if you you don't know what a t -bone alley is it's a four -way cross -section where one street things are allowed to go fast and on two streets things are not and they call it t - bone alley yeah

0:09:01 Thomas: Santa Claus. An angel.

0:09:02 Tom: Brutal that doesn't

0:09:24 Eli: They shouldn't have those so the thing is if you want to not have a t bone alley you put a light there and lights are expensive and they slow people down and they make the traffic worse and so towns hate putting lights on t - Bone alleys which is why I would say and I'm not joking about once a month month there's an accident at this corner.

0:09:21 Thomas: They shouldn't maybe have

0:09:23 Tom: Seem like the right

0:09:43 Eli: So I hear a loud bang and I'm like, ah, is it that time of the month again? I would have gone back to sleep, my friends. Sweet, restful sleep. That's how often there's a accident. Except I noticed the lights are a little bit closer. I peek through my Venetian blinds and I noticed that it looks like the accident is like really close to my house. And I'm Like, oh, maybe I hope one of my cars didn't get dinged. That would be awful. As I go downstairs to give it a proper snoop one of dadding's greatest gifts is a proper snoop is there anything better

0:09:42 Tom: Thing that's great

0:10:01 Thomas: Those jeez oh the dad coming out of the yeah

0:10:13 Eli: Gents than fucking oh a peek out the window or a front porch stand oh a front porch stand you got to be careful mm -hmm oh that's not gonna buff out yeah

0:10:14 Tom: A little peek out the window it'll peek outthe window at the neighborhood

0:10:18 Thomas: Yeah or the walkout robe yeah exactly yeah yeah because you gotta you could form a good dad opinion about whatever it

0:10:27 Tom: And it's and it''s gonna be either it's gonna gonna be either weather or traffic related like I feel like that's 97 of it yeah oh what looks like a storm's brewing out there it's gonna be a good one huh

0:10:27 Thomas: Well yeah exactly yeah or they or they should put a light in here would be you know something but the only thing better than that to leave a cliffhanger the only thing worse than plus

0:10:34 Eli: Weather yes oh nothing yes the only only thing better than standing on your front porch as a dad surveying your kingdom is getting rid of the auto ads over at patreon.com/dearolddads where for as little as a buck a show you get a commercial free version of every single show plus a little parenting story at the end tons of fun plus I need actually can I tell you well wait for it because I think I might I actually don't know that's part of the fun of this episode is I think I'm fucked financially And I'm going to find out live in real time in front of you, podcast listener, if I'm fucked financially. So we're going to fine out. Because I don't know anything. But look, your dollar's not going to change that. There's nothing anyone can do to change dat. Ever. Anywhere. But it's okay. It's okay, because I've done a bunch of ACT, and I take a pill, and that's all you can do some days. At patreon.com/dearolddads where for as little as a dollar I already told you that you give me the money let's jump rip into it hey rip into it just hey do me a favor this week just rip into

0:10:59 Thomas: Eli needs it you know just eli eli needs a win oh oh wow he's losing it just pledge please please god pledge yeah yeah

0:11:49 Tom: No he's fucking losing it guys oh boy

0:11:56 Eli: It all right everybody who

0:11:56 Tom: Hey we all knew the unraveling would be live on air we just didn't know

0:12:01 Eli: Would have thought it would be me fucking kush magush over here

0:12:03 Tom: When well Oh, I've

0:12:04 Thomas: I don't know I had my money on just pooping himself to death I thought that

0:12:08 Eli: Pooping himself to death would be great

0:12:10 Tom: Got like four squares of that, actually.

0:12:11 Eli: I thought it would be Tom first Thomas unpleasant unpleasant oh yeah man your life is bad yeah any of the things that happen to you happen to me I'd be so I'd be dead and then the reincarnated me would kill myself I would go to

0:12:19 Thomas: Was yeah and not for nothing you're like 20 years older than us so it's like highlander but you're cutting off your own head a bunch of times or something and yeah what the

0:12:30 Eli: The buddha yes I would Go To The Reincarnated Me And I Would Kill Me Again I Would The Ghost Of Me Would Haunt Me me to kill me. Exactly. Yep. Mm -hmm.

0:12:33 Tom: That hurts. I think it's 10. It keeps reattaching.

0:12:48 Thomas: Hell it's like doesn't count if you kill yourself oh

0:12:51 Eli: Exactly. Rip into it.

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0:13:00 Eli: So last night, 2 .30 in the morning, I go out for a peek, but just as I go for a peek, bing bong, bong bong. It's the cops at my door. They let me know that a drunk driver has hit not one, but both of my cars. He has smashed smashed into my car, which is parked in front of my car. And so because of physics, invented by Jews, by the way, think about it. Think about it, not going to make any accusations, but we all know where it came from. Physics, Jew physics, my car has betrayed its brother, and then smooshed into my car and I believe, I believe them both to be totaled.

0:13:33 Thomas: Oh my god oh wow

0:13:42 Tom: Oh, brutal.

0:13:43 Eli: Now I want to be clear, I don't know. No, they looked pretty smushed, but I don't fucking know what can and can't be repaired on a car.

0:13:40 Thomas: Oh geez especially these days it's fucking who knows it's

0:13:56 Tom: It is. It's totally random. I've seen.

0:13:56 Eli: Who knows? Yeah.

0:13:56 Thomas: It it's like well does the computer store the quantum chip in the fucking thing if it's stored in the fucking back then you're fucked but if it doesn't yeah

0:14:04 Eli: They looked pretty smooshed.

0:14:06 Tom: I've seeing accidents that didn't look that bad. And then they come out to evaluate it. And they're like, yeah, the cost of repair is so high that it's fucking total anyway.

0:14:11 Thomas: Yep yep oh it all depends on that too yeah Yeah. Like the amount you have on the car and all that crap.

0:14:13 Eli: Yeah.

0:14:13 Tom: And you're like. Yeah, right. Yeah.

0:14:16 Eli: Yeah, the smooshid. So they're smooshied. They drag my cars away into the night.

0:14:21 Eli: So they just take them. They just take my cars. They just took them.

0:14:26 Tom: Brother.

0:14:26 Eli: I was like, oh, I'll call Geico and drag them and they'll come. And they were like, no. Yeah.

0:14:24 Thomas: Like, wow. I think that was rough too. Cause you had to admit that was your car, even though it was the messiest pile of shit in the world. You couldn't be like, Whoa, who, who left this year? What? Whoa, God. I'm glad someone took that thing out. It's about time.

0:14:35 Eli: Yeah, they were like, look what happened to the inside. Oh my God. That guy's car must have been full of a fucking Tic Tac wrappers. That's crazy.

0:14:47 Tom: Tic Tac wrappers.

0:14:47 Eli: They launched that a bunch of Tic Tac containers.

0:14:48 Thomas: Yeah. It was like, one of the cars is told the other may have been saved by the pure amount of of trash that was in there. It's spongy. Yeah.

0:14:55 Eli: Yes. Where's the fucking airbag of trash? That's what I deserved. Trash bag air is what I needed.

0:14:55 Tom: Trash in it. Yeah, you wouldn't. It's non -compressible. It's kind of impressive, actually. Yeah. Load -bearing garbage. We didn't really think that was a thing

0:15:05 Eli: So they, they take my cars away very quickly. The thing is, is I know in emergency situations, and I've had this happen a couple of times, in emergency situations, they need to act quickly because that's their jobs. And I'm always grateful when they do that. I really am. But it does often mean that I, a person who just living a really easy life, am constantly going, don't kill yourself. Don't kill yourself.

0:15:31 Eli: You can't kill yourself. It'll make so many people so sad. There's a whole Facebook group that'll hold a whole thing and you gotta just not kill yourself but it means when people do things fastly after a sad thing I am often standing in the dark when it's all gone everybody has left and I'm just in the dark and my suicidality is like come on you got dude dude there's literally like your car window glass in shattered circles around you what do you need music and I am like no that's a good good point, my own brain, but not right now. So they take my cars away. And again, look at how fucking lucky I am. Let's look at the silver lining here. I text my dad group. It's two 30 in the morning. I texted my dad. Hey guys, rental place doesn't open till eight. I got to get next to camp tomorrow. Would one of you mind driving me 30 minutes, picking me and my son up, driving us us 30 minutes to camp so that we can drop him off at camp and then come back and sure enough 6 30 this morning first thing b -man b -men himself hey yep my wife is on her way she's gonna drive you and your kid to camp now

0:15:30 Tom: Fuck yeah man that's awesome

0:16:44 Eli: Incredible incredible think about the incredible support I have that someone did that for me just amazing that's

0:16:51 Thomas: Now I'm imagining this was actually you like with your foresight powers making B -Man do the horrible thing he did the the other week so yeah exactly it's all coming

0:16:58 Eli: Right so he would feel bad enough to eventually yes Yes. It's all coming together. But that means, because again, for those of you with neuro spicy kids, you know, you'd rather be in a car crash with your neurotypical kid than go, Hey, do you know the thing we do every single morning that helps you start your day? Yeah.

0:17:07 Thomas: Together oh yes yes a routine you'd almost call you would almost refer to it as a routine oh

0:17:21 Eli: That's different today and completely out of your control. Um, there will be a near stranger involved. Um. It It's going to be scary and new, and you have to follow my directions right away. You have to be okay with this right now. How's your cereal? Is it yummy? You having a nice, yummy cereal? Cool. You know how the little bit of control you have is just like playtime before you fucking start a day where everyone tells you what to do the whole day? That's gone. That's fucking gone. And if you don't behave 100 % of the time, you can't have a fucking video game or whatever. It's just all the things you have no choice over anything in your life and you're gonna fucking deal with it so he's struggling and look my

0:17:33 Tom: Fuck oh it's

0:17:33 Thomas: Oh god this is too real oh man in.

0:18:07 Eli: Kid struggles a couple ways sometimes he acts out but sometimes his brain is just a fucking stuck record he literally there's a 30 minute drive he spent the entire 30 minute drive just trying to form the sentence of like I don't like this right and it was funny because me and my buddy's wife who picked us up were just laughing about it on the way back he just kept being like daddy how do I daddy how do I but like literally hundreds of times because he could not get the words out of like how do I undo this how do I feel okay he doesn't have the fucking first of all adults don't have the equipment you talk to an adult who have been through something bad they're just like it is what it is he doesn't know if it is where it is yet that tried and true thing so he's fucking fucking rough I go I'm getting the cars thing now gentlemen before I tell you the little pièce de résistance that happened mere moments before

0:18:07 Tom: Brutal man oh man

0:18:43 Thomas: Oh, yeah. I'd be doing worse in this situation. Yeah, I'd be doing worst than him. Yeah. Oh.

0:19:03 Eli: We got on this call I have a question for you because I've never had a car total before I've smooshed my cars multiple times but I always smoosh them a little I smoosh him a gentleman's smoosh and that's right and but those aren't cars, and you can always fix a baby. That's what they say. You can always fix a bim.

0:19:13 Tom: A gentleman smoosh yeah

0:19:14 Thomas: Well, the babies that you run over don't tend to put that much. And they just don't they don't have a whole lot of force. They don't mess with your car that much yet.

0:19:26 Eli: Exactly. They're tiny. Yeah. Barely dent. It's a paint job thing, if anything. I've never told my car before, from what I googled, and this doesn't seem right, this doesn'T seem correct, they're going to tell me what my car was worth the second before someone struck it with their vehicle. And then they're gonna give me that money. But that money, a lot of resources online have ensured me of this, is not enough to buy a new car not a brand new car obviously I'm not I'm not expecting to get a lexus out of this but I'm

0:19:42 Tom: That's exactly right yeah right

0:19:46 Thomas: Oh gosh. Yeah the gap insurance. Yeah Yeah.

0:19:54 Tom: Well yeah no yeah that yeah

0:19:58 Thomas: Wait, how much do you owe on these cars? Nothing. Oh, that's okay. You fuck, fuck you. You're fine. The thing that normally happens is you have $50,000 outstanding debt on the car and they're like, well, your car's worth $12 and then you just have $150,000 in debt for a nothing.

0:20:00 Eli: No nothing here they're

0:20:01 Tom: Yeah yeah that that is a hundred percent how it works yeah yeah

0:20:16 Thomas: That's normal. So at least to give you a little bit of feeling better, at least you're not doing that.

0:20:22 Tom: They're not there to make you whole like it was the first day you bought a brand new car they're just saying like yeah right yeah

0:20:26 Eli: Paid right no I know that I wasn't expecting to Get a brand -new car that would be excessive and I think yucky nobody wants that

0:20:33 Thomas: And you shouldn't have one. You are too dirty. You re trashing. Yeah.

0:20:35 Tom: Yeah well you I'm not even sure you should have a segue actually

0:20:35 Eli: But from yeah and I shouldn't have one but from what I'm reading I don't know that it's gonna pay for a used car mm

0:20:43 Tom: Well should pay for exactly the same car that got smashed so like if you had like let's say you had a right if you got a 2020 Camry with 140,000 miles on it was worth 11 000

0:20:44 Thomas: Well, Well, yeah, whatever your car, you went to buy your piece of shit car again.

0:20:55 Tom: Bucks they'll give you 11,000 bucks and then you could conceivably look around and buy a 2020 Camry with 140 thousand miles on it or whatever for that exact price they should give

0:21:06 Thomas: It's blue book or whatever, right?

0:21:06 Tom: You in theory at least the value that exactly equals the value of your car so you would be able to replace your car with the same car yeah

0:21:14 Eli: All right look if I can replace my car with the same

0:21:17 Thomas: Ooh, I'll tell you this though. Dad tip, dad tip. I had to argue my, my guys. Remember when my car got, do you guys remember this? This was pre dads. Uh, God, when was this? I don't remember, but you know, the car that famously, uh, I was driving people around and Anna was yelling at me and stuff. Stuff uh that one I uh was in an intersection uh I was at the stopped at the red light light turned screen I start going into the intersection and uh old lady was on her phone and just not very fast but like it was that the perfect speed for me to be like what that's not gonna

0:21:17 Tom: That's how it's supposed to work

0:21:51 Thomas: Stop yeah it was a movie thing where it's like out of nowhere which I hate that's one of the worst tropes is just someone's on a street and a car they decided in movies that there's cars don't make sounds and And you can't see to the side of you at all. Like they've decided that. Yeah. God, I hate that. They do that with the old bad guys about to get you and he's got the knife. And then a car goes, it's just like

0:21:52 Tom: Yeah bunk yeah right

0:21:57 Eli: Car

0:22:05 Tom: They actually become invisible until the moment before impact yeah

0:22:15 Eli: No meow yep

0:22:15 Thomas: This fat, like, like it was the NASCAR. Anyway, it was not that it was like pretty slow. And I was like, that's no, that'S kind of, you know, I had too much time to know about it. You know, I didn't like it and it wasn't that much damage. I thought I'd kind of it wasn'T really drivable, but I did drive to the side of the road, like for a sec, at least. And then it was like not quite drivable and they told me it was totaled and it really felt like an accounting gimmick it felt like the guy was like well because mine was like brand new it was like months old huh

0:22:41 Tom: I've looked into this recently because I just bought a used car for my son and like his car I bought I got a deal on it in part and people write in be like don't do do that but I did anyway like his car was totaled out and then rebuilt and I looked at I was able to find the original damage and I'm like this is barely any damage I was talking to somebody that I know that knows cars real well it's like his thing he buys them and sells them and flips them and he's like yeah the problem is that the cost to repair cars has gone up so ridiculously that when they come out and look at it and they're like yeah well 10 years ago this would be a fixable car and they wouldn't total it out

0:23:17 Thomas: Right well nowadays they tell you well the car computer there's too many like fucking computer oh really okay mine was more like well you don't know where the where they keep all the computer chips in this car was the thing I was like what

0:23:21 Tom: But even just body work yeah

0:23:29 Thomas: Okay and he's He's like, yeah, I took out the front something system. So the point of the story, genuine advice, Eli, was the guy gave me the estimate. I was like, that can't be right. I was like, I just bought this. I know that you drive off the lot and then lose value, obviously. But it was ,like, way less.

0:23:46 Thomas: And I was ,like, what the fuck? He's, like. Yeah, that's it. And so I was,, like, That can't, be right? Is there anything I can do? He's ,like. Well, if you can find comps, if, you can, find other whatevers, you might be able to argue the price. So I did. I was pretty upset about this cause it was, I didn't have the gap insurance. I just bought the, I was in one of the worst situations short of just, it's your only transportation. You have no fucking money. And yeah, that's the worst situation. But in terms of like the economics of the thing, buying a new car and getting it totaled is pretty bad because of the drive off the lot thing where it's worth like 10,000 less. And so I just had a loan obviously that I was going to have to pay off, you know, and no car. So I went and found, like, I just searched around for every comp I could I didn't end up moving the price that much but I did move it a little bit I don't remember how much I don't know if it was much as like a thousand but it was it might have been a few hundreds at least and so you can't argue it whatever they tell you you can like try to find comps

0:24:41 Eli: Yes that is the advice that I found online is that you should start building your comp file right

0:24:46 Thomas: Well then I'll just shut the fuck up yeah

0:24:48 Tom: Right what

0:24:50 Eli: Away now that you can buy them online apparently you can just find some asshole who's trying to sell a car at a dealership for $20 ,000 above value and just be like yeah nope look somebody wants to charge me that for a car like fucking that's the comp got the miles got the trim. So I'm already doing that.

0:25:06 Tom: A great way to spend your 10 days of summer vacation huh that's great right

0:25:09 Eli: Yeah, no, because I had so much free time. It's good that this is what I'm using it for. And I've got to catch a plane on Thursday. And so now I can do it in the rental cars that I was renting this morning. And that was fucking cool. So here's the piece de resistance, which is why, podcast listener, you're about to hear a loud bang at the end of my tale.

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0:25:35 Eli: So it's tough. I'm not having a cash money day. But Tom and Thomas, jokes aside, so sweet oh my god dude are you okay you need anything right so sweet because I would have been let's let's say let's take a moment of radical vulnerability if these situations were reversed and thomas was like guys last night both of our cars were hit and I don't know what to do and lydia's out of town and I'd be like okay but you know to 12 o 'clock 12 o clock oh I'm sorry your cars got hit last night so you didn't have the seems like you have 10 hours to plan this record

0:25:38 Thomas: Not cash money do

0:26:15 Eli: Take your time take yourtime whenever you need to do them do you record I don't recall seeing a microphone in the old car maybe it's in the new one but they're so wonderful I drive back and I'm like guys I'm going to be 15 minutes late for the record I am walking in the door when my son's counselor from Harbor Haven calls to say he's having an especially bad day

0:26:16 Thomas: You record in your car or is that normally yeah

0:26:18 Tom: Is your car got a microphone in it this is all very confusing yeah oh god oh my god are you you fucking kidding me hey are you me

0:26:39 Eli: That he's hitting that he is in the office

0:26:39 Thomas: Oh shit

0:26:41 Tom: Wait wait wait maybe things will get better for me maybe it's on you now fuck yeah bitch I'm buying a lottery ticket motherfucker

0:26:44 Thomas: No that's how we'll know

0:26:44 Eli: Is there this and it follows

0:26:48 Thomas: If tom has more than just to be safe one and a half good days kill yourself I'm serious that means no and I mean I mean kill yourself I mean like as a precaution Like

0:26:52 Tom: Yeah eat shit eli

0:26:52 Eli: Yes yes 100 % yeah 100 % no I get it

0:26:58 Thomas: Just like I'm not this is I'm advocating for you in this situation like you don't. Oh, no, no. That's me saying like for your own good. You want to avoid what's going to happen if you've swapped luck with Tom.

0:27:01 Eli: I wasn't sure if that was your voice or my inner monologue and so thank you for clarifying again still unsure if it's you or my inner monologue but I do appreciate the attempt but yeah so she calls you having a hard day he's in the office oh no I have that thought sometimes I just I

0:27:16 Thomas: I don't hold on. Other human beings matter there. Now, you know, I'm Not Not Your Inner Monologue. Other people have inner thoughts and lives. Okay.

0:27:25 Eli: Just don't believe it yeah you know it's just people think crazy shit all the time it's like when you're like what if I jumped what if other people had as complex and inner life as me like what crazy but yeah so she calls he's having a really tough day he's in the office and he wants to go home and I'm like no you can't send him home always I'm sure I've bored you guys with this before but like a month before school ended on a friday the principal sent him home for hitting a kid

0:27:26 Tom: Bosnick dismissed obviously untrue Brutal.

0:27:54 Thomas: Yeah and then right

0:27:54 Tom: Yep. Yep. And he was like, awesome.

0:27:54 Eli: And then every day the following week yeah he hit a kid because he was like get out of school free card one max bosnick get out of school three card please

0:28:03 Thomas: Now given that it's a camp for max bosnix like don't they have a place a quiet room or something

0:28:08 Eli: Oh yes and they they yes and again I need to be clear like they are like we're calming him down we're having sensory active right this is not we locked him in the shared and told him when he ain't so our slur he can come out

0:28:17 Tom: Right. Good.

0:28:21 Thomas: Yeah I just meant he's not gonna be a danger to other kids like they can segregate him out for a sec so he doesn't yeah okay gotcha yeah Oh,

0:28:25 Eli: Oh yeah no he's fine he's for yeah and to be fair it doesn't seem like he was hitting other kids today he was just having a

0:28:27 Tom: Good.

0:28:30 Thomas: Okay. Gotcha. That was just me.

0:28:30 Eli: Tough time and but it's so funny because I'm like oh really sorry and there's this thing that happens because I I maintain a facade all the time but I I'll start to talk to someone and it's funny Because self -pity, I can fucking straight -arm the whole time. But if someone is kind, that is where I start to crack and cry.

0:28:31 Tom: He just struggling. Yeah.

0:28:53 Eli: And so this fucking 19 -year -old counselor, fucking, it's me, Kelsey, who's just a nice, just one of those saint humans, right? Who's just dedicated her life. Think about it. She's dedicated her Life to Helping Special Ed Kids. Because here's the thing. A beautiful woman cries on a mountaintop. You're like, oh, what? What has disturbed this poem? Oh, no, the portrait. A single slash has been cut in this portrait. I wonder what has ruined the poem of this woman's life. If a 40 -year -old man, if you sense a 40 year old man is crying, you're like get the fuck out of here, dude. Because first of all, you'RE 40. It's not getting fixed. Anything you're crying about about that isn't a national if you aren't joined by a crowd that is also mourning princess die at the age of 40 get the fuck dude it's over it's fucking like yeah oh yeah my kid died cool you can fucking cry all you want that your kid died but like today is hard if you're crying because today is harder at the edge of 40 oh oh oh there's something wrong and it's not your day

0:29:31 Tom: Everybody panics around you. Yep. Yep. Oh,

0:30:11 Eli: So I'm trying I'm keeping it together but I'm also doing that thing where I'm like I just want you to know we're so grateful right which as tom knows people will think that that's anger if you're not careful so i'M ALSO BEING LIKE SO GRATEFUL HAPPY SMILES well I thank this girl and then I got on the line to tell all of you my tale so that's that's how my My 12 hours have been, almost 12 hours. That's how my, almost,

0:30:24 Thomas: Wait,

0:30:36 Tom: Jesus christ eli bosnick

0:30:43 Thomas: What are we waiting to find out? What's the thing?

0:30:45 Tom: You're waiting to find out what they value the cars at right and see if you get like what kind of what's going to

0:30:47 Thomas: Is that coming in? Okay. Oh.

0:30:47 Eli: Yes, yes. So that's what we're waiting to find out. I have a hunch, given my luck and the fact that Tom It Follows Me, I was so excited when Tom wanted to fuck. I was SO excited. He was like, you know, I've been reading The Ethical Slut. I think you make a lot of great points. Haley wants to watch. And I was like oh, it's awesome. But now I know he was just It's Following Me with the luck thing.

0:31:05 Tom: Happen it's that jesus Christ

0:31:11 Eli: And I Was On Bottom, too. Which I feel like if it was an It Follows situation, I should have gotten to be on.

0:31:16 Thomas: And you got to be like, how am I going to fuck someone? There's no, that's not, I don't have time. Yeah. Yeah. You're just fucked. The actually it follows is just, can you find a 40 year old dude?

0:31:20 Eli: Exactly. How can I fuck someone? I'm a 40 -year -old man who cries. Who the fuck wants to fuck a crying?

0:31:32 Thomas: It's actually really, you know, it follows. It's not that hard of a problem. When I think about it, you find any fucking forties, 50 middle -aged dad on just post one thirst trap. And then you're like well that guy's fucked because you can fuck him and no one else

0:31:46 Eli: And no one else. He's gone forever.

0:31:50 Thomas: Will oh wait no that's bad because once it gets the last one then it comes after you oh that's why they did that I think so yeah wait is that the right or is that The Ring no I think it is that I think you have to keep it going I think It's Both The Ring and That I think You Have To Keep The Yep You Do oh dude It Falls Is Great I Really Like That Movie It's Really Good Yeah

0:31:55 Eli: Oh, is that what it does? Does it go reverse? No, because then it would get everybody.

0:32:05 Tom: Man is this like an evil pay it forward is that what this

0:32:05 Eli: Let's take a moment. Have you not seen It Followes? It follows a great movie you should restart everyone's a critic for one episode so

0:32:10 Tom: Is no man I don't watch anything I don' t know

0:32:16 Thomas: Yeah. So it's one of the horror movies that I've watched to give you an idea. It's like, oh, it's really interesting. It's I like it a lot.

0:32:16 Tom: Anything okay

0:32:22 Eli: It's a very simple concept this girl fucks this dude and he's like I'm so sorry and then he runs out into the woods and she's like ah weird but you know she's had sex with men before so she fucking gets it but then she starts seeing just randos walking towards her just loping pacing towards her different people

0:32:39 Thomas: Man. Lydia, don't listen. Even hearing a premise like this. Lydia is going to.

0:32:43 Eli: Different people looking towards her and every time they get to her they attack her with sort of super a variation of supernatural strength sometimes

0:32:53 Tom: That's a hell of an STI

0:32:53 Eli: Yeah, it's a hell of an STI. I mean it's about this what it's not it's it was about this it's a bummer and so she's game she finally finds the guy and it's this curse where this thing this demon comes after the next person you've had sex with and the only way to pass off the curse is to have sex with someone

0:33:12 Thomas: Yeah, because they go after whoever had it last. Yeah. But I do think the story was because I think she passes it off there. Yeah, cause there is a time where she passes it off to those guys in the boat or something.

0:33:14 Eli: And then it goes after this sort of whoever has it next

0:33:14 Tom: Right right whoever has it yeah it' s evil fuck tag I

0:33:24 Thomas: And then it still comes after later, I think. I think cause I think once it kills. Yeah I think once it kills the guy you fucked then it comes after you so that now my whole plan well because you have to just keep passing and passing think about it I

0:33:27 Eli: I don't remember it well enough then why would you even bother passing it off yeah

0:33:37 Thomas: Mean eventually you're going to get a hundred passes away and it's like oh okay you know a little bit of anyway that's what's happening well

0:33:41 Eli: Yeah maybe I don' know feels like an infinite demon I feel like you need to sit down

0:33:47 Thomas: This that's that's part of the horror

0:33:47 Eli: With god and the devil and be like you can't have an infinite demon

0:33:51 Tom: Feel like seven fucks away from the first one and Kevin Bacon's just getting attacked every time so it just feels

0:33:54 Thomas: I think what you do is you calculate you do some physics calculations of the refractory period and the miles per hour because that's the other thing about It Follows is it walks slow, but it always comes at you. Yeah.

0:33:54 Eli: Right exactly and um it's normal walking speed yeah it's a much less fun version of the snail mm

0:34:08 Thomas: We hire some professionals and we put them opposite ends of the country and then they fuck and then you fly them over and then he fucked the other one, you know, and they just, yeah. And that just has to keep going back and forth. And then it would be like this thing. Let's be real. There's a lot of things that are worse than that, that we see on the news every day. And I'm like, oh, well, I guess the scorching heat that we didn't do anything about is killing another thousand people today. Oh, weird. Isn't that weird?

0:34:18 Eli: You fly and yep Asia that's true yeah I feel like we could come together as a

0:34:36 Thomas: It'll be another thing. It'll be like, oh, the, uh, plane stall, you know, the ran out of fuel back up at the airport and the It Follows monster killed a few people today. They'd be like yeah, bummer.

0:34:46 Eli: Nation bummer oh it sucks and then your aunt's like that you know that It Follows monster is Jewish and you're like oh

0:34:47 Thomas: They should have done something about that. Yeah.

0:34:54 Tom: Yeah that' S

0:34:54 Eli: Man you've really been enabled huh so

0:34:55 Thomas: Oh boy. Man.

0:35:04 Ad: [Ad break 3 — ad music]

0:35:06 Eli: That's what's up that's what's frying I know it's a yeah I know that's a short episode, folks, but no, it's because we have to do two.

0:35:08 Tom: A GREAT DAY TODAY THAT'

0:35:11 Thomas: No, we do you want to do them? Okay.

0:35:16 Tom: S IT it's a short episode we've got 15 minutes

0:35:16 Thomas: Oh gotcha.

0:35:17 Eli: I know it's a short episode, but here's the thing. Here's the thing. If you're sad that it's short episode. Think about how sad I am that my cars are gone. Think about all the extra long episodes we've done. And now add those. Average them. Do a divide. And then you got a normal episode.

0:35:25 Tom: Late did they let you root through your trash for like your prized belongings before they hauled the cars away

0:35:41 Eli: They did.

0:35:42 Thomas: There are no prized belongings in there.

0:35:42 Eli: It was fucking really sad. It was really weird. I got only

0:35:45 Tom: Have you been in his car Thomas Smith? Oh so

0:35:47 Thomas: Only once. Never again.

0:35:49 Eli: Once. But can I say, Thomas was there pre-kids, so he hasn't been in my car.

0:35:52 Thomas: Oh my. Well, I know I've been, I've been in your car post-kids, I think on the trip. Yeah.

0:35:56 Eli: Oh, okay, you've been in your car. Okay, I was going to say, because I always think about the trip with Cecil and you where Cecil made me get out so he could park the car.

0:36:03 Tom: He could try out right yeah

0:36:03 Thomas: There's that. No. Cause it's not the driving anymore. You've learned to drive a little better. So it's not that so much. It actually having the kid makes it even more horrifying. Cause when you get in your fucking jack-off buddy's car and it's just trash everywhere, you're like, all right, guy in his twenties or whatever. But then when you get in the car and there's trash everywhere and a baby seat, and it's just the trash is actually up to the baby's chin.

0:36:26 Eli: It's got a real baby shoes, never worn vibe.

0:36:28 Thomas: That's worse.

0:36:30 Tom: It's all just half-chewed cheerios the entire backseat is it's just, how can it all be

0:36:32 Eli: Yeah, but it's just Cheerios. And that's what I did.

0:36:32 Thomas: Yeah. Oh no. It was, uh, it was still majority, um, Eli's trash. It was Still Majority. It's not, it's not Max's trash,

0:36:35 Tom: Cheerios? It's not his stuff, yeah. Actually, you know, Max is pretty fastidious, all things considered,

0:36:42 Eli: Let's not blame... Yeah.

0:36:42 Thomas: It's not his. Yeah. There's a clean little halo around kid seat oh

0:36:46 Tom: You know.

0:36:50 Eli: He's a pretty clean kid. It's funny. He sometimes notices the mess and like the level of understanding of that. But sometimes he'll just be like, a lot of mess. And I'm like, yeah, fucker. I'll

0:37:02 Tom: Fucking Judgy McJudgerson back there. Fuck you, Max.

0:37:02 Thomas: That's so funny

0:37:02 Eli: Tell you what. How about daddy takes six months off and throws out half your shit?

0:37:07 Thomas: Oh that is so good

0:37:08 Eli: You want that? Huh?

0:37:09 Tom: Still better than your car, you little fucker.

0:37:09 Eli: You want a nice clean house? Yeah? Yeah. So, yeah.

0:37:11 Thomas: Yeah you have someone you can blame now at least that's nice All right, you got a joke for us?

0:37:15 Clip: DEAR OLD DADS

0:37:24 Eli: Here's my joke. Here's the joke. Here's a joke. Oh, I do have a joke that my wife sent me from fiddle camp because they love puns at fiddle camp here it is one second um so if I can keep this episode Longer, hey, we didn't have a short episode he said but while he fucking looked for a thing yes

0:37:50 Thomas: I'll edit in like car crash sounds in the background not

0:37:51 Eli: Exactly crashing cars okay there once was a terrible king who was only 12 inches tall he was a horrible monarch, but a great ruler

0:38:02 Thomas: Again, you started in limerick fashion I was

0:38:04 Tom: My God. That's good. That's great. That's fucking good. I know.

0:38:09 Thomas: Yeah good stuff up

0:38:58 Tom: Hell fucking yeah. Wait, no, that made it worse. That made it a little worse. Eat shit, Eli Bosnick.

0:39:09 Eli: We're for as little as a dollar. I already told you that you give me the money oh yeah man your life is bad they love puns at fiddle camp

0:39:16 Tom: It's evil fuck tag.