DOD286: Eli and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

Transcript

This transcript was generated automatically and may contain errors — the audio is the record.

0:00:28 Tom: Welcome to Dear Old Dads, the podcast that definitely should have its license revoked. I'm Tom Curry. I'm joined, as always, by Thomas Smith and Eli Bosnick. Hello, gentlemen. We're recording right on time today, right? Yeah. Yeah.

0:00:36 Thomas: Oh, boy. Oh, Boy. Yeah, yeah. So this has happened to me a few times because the way messages work, I only see the most recent one in the notifications. And I see, I had to check, I did the cartoon like, like a few times. I see one Eli Bosnick saying, gonna be 15 minutes late. And I'm like, oh, the sweet taste of the moral high ground for once. Eli's gonna be late. Let me dig into this, and I pop open the, uh, the app and see the rest of the messages

0:01:02 Tom: I assumed the mattress fire had spread to his house at that point, right, yeah.

0:01:17 Eli: To be fair, this lateness is still on me. There's a certain amount of preparedness I could be. So, gentlemen, I'm about to tell you what happened, but beforehand I've got some sad news, podcast listener. I'm afraid this is the last ever episode of Dear Old Dads. Why, you say? I'll tell you. I can no longer be associated with Tom Curry. Now, I know what you're thinking.

0:01:25 Thomas: Oh Boy.

0:01:38 Eli: Is it because his denial of Western science will eventually lead him No. No. We love that about him. We're excited for that new phase in his life. No, it's because his bad luck is contagious. It's contagious.

0:01:35 Tom: Uh -oh.

0:01:49 Thomas: Oh.

0:01:55 Tom: Ruh -roh shaggy.

0:01:55 Eli: And this was revealed to me last night when at 2 .30 in the morning, by the way, for those of you who haven't tuned into every single episode, just a quick reminder that I am solo with my son for 10 days this week. So starting last Sunday, a week before yesterday, as of this recording, my wife flew to the West Coast for Fiddle Tunes Fiddel Camp, as well as seeing her family, which is in her hometown. She's having an amazing time. My son started his first week of camp, but it has just been him and me. It has been daddy duty and my full jobs, just also doing my full, all of my other jobs at the same time, which, again, like, this is a part of a lot of people's lives, and I know that we've talked before about the fact that hypothetically there are single parents. That's not true. Every year when this week happens, it becomes more obvious that the so-called single parenting lie is a conspiracy by by big, big, single, one giant single parent to try to convince us that they're real.

0:02:44 Thomas: Yeah, not for, not really.

0:02:46 Tom: Big Single parents.

0:02:58 Thomas: Yeah, by big.

0:03:01 Eli: Nobody, yeah, exactly. Nobody could do this for more than 10 minutes, let alone ever. So that's obviously not true. But I've been solo with my son. It's been a lot. It's Been Wonderful, and we've had a good time, but it's been A Lot for a lot of reasons. The number one reason is, and I've talked about this, is that Max deals with some self -control issues.

And it's funny because the older you're a neurotypical kid, your neuro spicy kid gets, the less fun his self -control issues become. And the more your entire parenting experience becomes about whether or not they had a good day or a bad day, everything becomes a sticker system and a thumbs up and a the thumbs down and everyone else's kid is learning. Everyone else's kid is having a summer camp experience or a school experience or anything. Everyone else is kid is a child.

You basically drop a little time bomb off to various people who you beg, in your nicest tone of voice, to please don't ban my child from this bomb sanctuary. And then you go, and then the only thing you ever tell you, "Hey, did the bomb go off today?"

0:04:03 Thomas: Guilt. Yeah.

0:04:12 Eli: And, and you go, "I'm so sorry, the bomb went off today. I've read every book about bombs, and you know what? They actually don't know fucking shit. I've never seen the horizon line be round, so maybe, maybe Tom's got a fucking point." So He's been dealing with some hitting at camp, which sucks because, as I've mentioned in other places, this is the thing he's looked forward to literally all year, right? Is like, we count down to this camp, which is for neuro spicy kids, and they, by the way, are fucking amazing. Like, I want to be very clear here, because a lot of the times when I talk to people about this, they'll be like, "Oh, well, the camp needs, the camp's doing everything. Camp has prize charts and fucking pulled out all the stops." I'm going to talk about what they did 10 seconds ago when I'm done talking about this, but they're, they're amazing. That There's never a "why haven't you fixed your kid" vibe.

0:04:27 Thomas: Which is

0:04:29 Tom: Yeah, so

0:05:06 Thomas: Important to say, because I do feel like with my kids especially, I want to emphasize that there's no perfect path that leads to my kids not fucking being the worst a lot of times. Like, I just do not think there is, because they just instantly get so tough with each other, like in In the fraction of a second.

0:05:23 Eli: Yeah, yeah, absolutely. Most of your kids don't have IEPs and stuff, right? So So, like, even, keep in mind that it's as hard as it is for us, and we are incredibly lucky to have the world's best IEP team, an incredibly robust IEP, and a camp for special needs kids.

0:05:29 Thomas: Nice.

0:05:40 Tom: Real quick, can I ask, does the camp actually take in the IEP? Is it a camp like through the school district?

0:05:42 Eli: Yeah. No, no, no. So, this is a private camp called Harbor Haven. Big shout outs to fucking Harbor Haven, they're incredible in all the ways. But they do take the IEP and they consider it when they are setting up his, like... His thing. And yeah, they are incredible. A ton of the staff are neurodivergent, although campers are neuro -diverging. A ton of the staff are the siblings of neurodivergent kids. It's just it's just so wonderful and incredible and supportive. And they're really, what's amazing about Harbor Haven is that it's like a lot of the time the care of special needs kids is medicalized. You can taste the disinfectant in the air where they're sort of like, "Oh, yeah, we'll hold on to it for a second." You're like, "Oh, did you mean to say it just now when you were describing my favorite person? And they're like oh no, him, her, whatever fucking thing. Yeah, no, we get it. Which don't worry. We talked to RFK Jr. He told us.

0:05:58 Tom: That's awesome.

0:06:27 Thomas: Oh, God.

0:06:35 Tom: Awesome.

0:06:35 Eli: He told us about it and they're just so excited for your kid to have a camp experience, right? It is literally a camp experience. Happy side note story because can I tell you podcast listener? First of all, apologies new listener. That is just the Jew yapping at you. I promise sometimes we do talk about stuff. Side note, the other night we're doing a bedtime thing and he's been struggling and so I try to really hit home positivity with him and I'm like, hey buddy, I just want you to know I'm proud of you and you are smart. And he says, apropos of nothing, he's like, I am smart, I am kind, and I am the best me I can be. Now, turns out that's the camp pledge and they say it every morning. He was just picking up the vibes.

0:07:12 Thomas: Yeah,

0:07:16 Tom: Isn't it also a Saturday Night Live bit, you know? Like, yeah.

0:07:19 Thomas: Yeah, that's what's... Yeah.

0:07:19 Eli: Yeah, exactly. It's a Stuart Smiley bit. He loves the classic SNL, loves Mango. He mostly does Mango before bed, so it was exciting that he stopped doing Mango for a second. And I was so happy and taken aback that I, being the horror that I am, went, fuck yeah, which is not how you want to respond.

0:07:26 Thomas: Makeup.

0:07:37 Thomas: Yeah.

0:07:37 Tom: Right.

0:07:37 Eli: And then I softened it. Again, this is how I was able to soften it. I softening it to hell yeah. I was like, I mean, hell. I mean non-swear shit. Yeah, exactly. So that's been tough. Our jobs are already a lot of work, and so parenting, and also this job has been really hard. And then we had the weekend where there was no thing during the day, it was just he went to his sitter for a couple of hours, but like, again, when he is not here, I am doing the full-time day job that I still have

0:07:44 Tom: Hell fucking yeah. Wait, nope, that mad, that made it worse. That made a little worse. Fucking

0:08:11 Eli: That doesn't end. It's been rough, it's tough, but it's part of parenting, saying, and look, this is part of being an egalitarian parent, right? We try and talk about like, how do we balance the workload? How do we make things fair? And part of being an egalitarian dad, if you want to be a dad, is that sometimes you go through what moms have been going through for fucking ever. Like, if anything, this just makes me appreciate what Anna does on a week-to-week basis.

Obviously, she doesn't have a day job in the same ways that I do, but she still works. She's still gay. She still still does a tremendous amount, she does a tremendous amount of the child care all the time and often does solos when I'm at live shows and stuff, so it's made me appreciate her, but it's been a tough week. Then last night, 2:30 in the morning, there is a loud bang from outside of my house, a Bang, and Santa Claus has landed on the roof with the appropriate medication schedule for my son. No, no, he is not. And look, I live in a T-bone alley. If you you don't know what a T-bone alley is, it's a four-way cross-section where one street things are allowed to go fast and on two streets things are not, and they call it T-bone alley. Yeah.

0:09:01 Thomas: Santa Claus. An angel.

0:09:02 Tom: Brutal. That doesn't

0:09:24 Eli: They shouldn't have those. So the thing is, if you want to not have a T-bone alley, you put a light there, and lights are expensive and they slow people down and they make the traffic worse, and so towns hate putting lights on T-bone alleys, which is why I would say, and I'm not joking, about once a month month there's an accident at this corner.

0:09:21 Thomas: They shouldn't maybe have

0:09:23 Tom: Seem like the right

0:09:43 Eli: So I hear a loud bang and I'm like, ah, is it that time of the month again? I would have gone back to sleep, my friends. Sweet, restful sleep. That's how often there's a accident. Except I noticed the lights are a little bit closer. I peek through my Venetian blinds and I noticed that it looks like the accident is like really close to my house. And I'm like, oh, maybe I hope one of my cars didn't get dinged. That would be awful. As I go downstairs to give it a proper snoop, one of dadding's greatest gifts is a proper snoop. Is there anything better

0:09:42 Tom: Thing that's great

0:10:01 Thomas: Those, jeez. Oh.

0:10:13 Thomas: The dad coming out of the, yeah.

0:10:13 Eli: Gents than fucking, oh, a peek out the window or a front porch stand. Oh, a front porch stand. You got to be careful. Mm-hmm. Oh, that's not gonna buff out. Yeah.

0:10:14 Tom: A little peek out the window, it'll peek out the window at the neighborhood.

0:10:18 Thomas: Yeah, or the walkout robe. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, yeah, because you gotta, you could form a good dad opinion about whatever it

0:10:27 Tom: And it's, and it's gonna be either It's gonna, gonna be either weather or traffic related. Like, I feel like that's 97 of it. Yeah. Oh, what looks like a storm's brewing out there. It's gonna be a good one, huh?

0:10:29 Eli: Yeah.

0:10:27 Thomas: Well, yeah, exactly. Yeah. Or they, or they should put a light in here would be, you know, something.

0:10:34 Eli: Weather, yes. Oh, nothing.

0:10:38 Thomas: But the only thing better than that to leave a cliffhanger. The only thing worse than, plus

0:10:41 Eli: Yes. The only, only thing better than standing on your front porch as a dad surveying your kingdom is getting rid of the auto ads over at patreon.com/dearolddads, where for as little as a buck a show you get a commercial-free version of every single show, plus a little parenting story at the end. Tons of fun.

0:10:59 Thomas: Eli needs it, you know, just Eli, Eli needs a win.

0:11:01 Eli: Plus I need, actually, can I tell you? Well, wait for it, because I think I might, I actually don't know. That's part of the fun of this episode, is I think I'm fucked financially. And I'm going to find out live in real time in front of you, podcast listener, if I'm fucked financially. So we're going to fine out. Because I don't know anything. But look, your dollar's not going to change that. There's nothing anyone can do to change dat. Ever. Anywhere. But it's okay. It's okay, because I've done a bunch of ACT, and I take a pill, and that's all you can do some days. At patreon.com/dearolddads where for as little as a dollar, I already told you that you give me the money. Let's jump, rip into it. Hey, rip into it. Just, hey, do me a favor this week, just rip into

0:11:06 Thomas: Oh. Oh.

0:11:15 Tom: Oh.

0:11:38 Tom: No, he's

0:11:47 Thomas: Wow, he's losing it. Just pledge. Please, please, God, pledge.

0:11:49 Tom: Fucking losing it, guys. Oh boy.

0:11:56 Thomas: Yeah, yeah.

0:11:56 Eli: It all right everybody who

0:11:56 Tom: Hey, we all knew the unraveling would be live on air. We just didn't know when. Well, oh, I've

0:12:01 Eli: Would have thought it would be me fucking kush magush over here

0:12:04 Thomas: I don't know. I had my money on just pooping himself to death. I thought that

0:12:08 Eli: Pooping himself to death would be great

0:12:10 Tom: Got like four squares of that, actually.

0:12:11 Thomas: Was, yeah.

0:12:11 Eli: I thought it would be Tom first Thomas unpleasant unpleasant oh yeah man your life is bad yeah any of the things that happen to you happen to me I'd be so I'd be dead and then the reincarnated me would kill myself I would go to

0:12:14 Tom: Really?

0:12:19 Thomas: And Not for nothing, you're like 20 years older than us, so it's like Highlander, but you're cutting off your own head a bunch of times or something. And yeah, what the

0:12:30 Tom: Okay,

0:12:30 Eli: The buddha yes I would Go To The Reincarnated Me And I Would Kill Me Again I Would The Ghost Of Me Would Haunt Me me to kill me. Exactly. Yep. Mm -hmm.

0:12:33 Tom: That hurts. I think it's 10. It keeps reattaching.

0:12:48 Eli: Yeah,

0:12:48 Thomas: Hell, it's like, doesn't count if you kill yourself. Oh

0:12:51 Eli: Exactly. Rip into it.

0:12:58 Ad: [Ad break 1 — ad music]

0:13:00 Eli: So last night, 2 .30 in the morning, I go out for a peek, but just as I go for a peek, bing bong, bong bong. It's the cops at my door. They let me know that a drunk driver has hit not one, but both of my cars.

0:13:09 Thomas: Boy. Oh my.

0:13:14 Tom: Oh, God.

0:13:15 Eli: He has smashed smashed into my car, which is parked in front of my car. And so because of physics, invented by Jews, by the way, think about it. Think about it, not going to make any accusations, but we all know where it came from. Physics, Jew physics, my car has betrayed its brother, and then smooshed into my car and I believe, I believe them both to be totaled.

0:13:33 Thomas: God, oh wow. Oh, geez.

0:13:42 Tom: Oh, brutal.

0:13:43 Eli: Now I want to be clear, I don't know. No, they looked pretty smushed, but I don't fucking know what can and can't be repaired on a car.

0:13:53 Thomas: Especially these days, it's fucking who knows. It's

0:13:56 Tom: It is. It's totally random. I've seen.

0:13:56 Eli: Who knows? Yeah.

0:13:56 Thomas: It, it's like, well, does the computer store the quantum chip in the fucking thing? If it's stored in the fucking back, then you're fucked, but if it doesn't, yeah.

0:14:01 Eli: Yeah. They looked pretty smooshed.

0:14:00 Tom: Right. I've seeing accidents that didn't look that bad. And then they come out to evaluate it. And they're like, yeah, the cost of repair is so high that it's fucking total anyway.

0:14:11 Thomas: Yep, yep, oh, it all depends on that too, yeah. Yeah. Like the amount you have on the car and all that crap.

0:14:13 Eli: Yeah.

0:14:13 Tom: And you're like. Yeah, right. Yeah.

0:14:16 Eli: Yeah, the smooshid. So they're smooshied. They drag my cars away into the night.

0:14:21 Eli: So they just take them. They just take my cars. They just took them.

0:14:17 Tom: Oh, brother.

0:14:26 Eli: I was like, oh, I'll call Geico and drag them and they'll come. And they were like, no. Yeah.

0:14:24 Thomas: Like, wow. I think that was rough too. Cause you had to admit that was your car, even though it was the messiest pile of shit in the world. You couldn't be like, Whoa, who, who left this year? What? Whoa, God. I'm glad someone took that thing out. It's about time.

0:14:35 Eli: Yeah, they were like, look what happened to the inside. Oh my God. That guy's car must have been full of a fucking Tic Tac wrappers. That's crazy.

0:14:47 Tom: Tic Tac wrappers.

0:14:47 Eli: They launched that a bunch of Tic Tac containers.

0:14:48 Thomas: Yeah. It was like, one of the cars is told the other may have been saved by the pure amount of of trash that was in there. It's spongy. Yeah.

0:14:55 Eli: Yes. Where's the fucking airbag of trash? That's what I deserved. Trash bag air is what I needed.

0:14:55 Tom: Trash in it. Yeah, you wouldn't. It's non-compressible. It's kind of impressive, actually. Yeah. Load-bearing garbage. We didn't really think that was a thing.

0:15:05 Eli: So they, they take my cars away very quickly. The thing is, is I know in emergency situations, and I've had this happen a couple of times, in emergency situations, they need to act quickly because that's their jobs. And I'm always grateful when they do that. I really am. But it does often mean that I, a person who just living a really easy life, am constantly going, don't kill yourself. Don't kill yourself.

0:15:30 Tom: Fuck.

0:15:30 Thomas: Oh, no.

0:15:31 Eli: You can't kill yourself. It'll make so many people so sad. There's a whole Facebook group that'll hold a whole thing, and you gotta just not kill yourself. But it means when people do things fastly after a sad thing, I am often standing in the dark when it's all gone, everybody has left, and I'm just in the Dark.

0:15:47 Thomas: Oh no.

0:15:49 Tom: Yeah.

0:15:49 Eli: And my suicidality is like, come on, you got, dude, dude, there's literally like your car window glass in shattered circles around you. What do you need, music? And I am like, no, that's a good, good point, my own brain, but not right now. So they take my cars away. And again, look at how fucking lucky I am. Let's look at the silver lining here. I text my dad group. It's two 30 in the morning. I texted my dad. Hey guys, rental place doesn't open till eight. I got to get next to camp tomorrow. Would one of you mind driving me 30 minutes, picking me and my son up, driving us us 30 minutes to camp so that we can drop him off at camp and then come back? And sure enough, 6:30 this morning, first thing, B-Man, B-Men himself: Hey, yep, my wife is on her way, she's gonna drive you and your kid to camp now.

0:16:05 Thomas: Wow.

0:16:44 Tom: Man, that's awesome.

0:16:44 Eli: Incredible. Incredible. Think about the incredible support I have that someone did that for me. Just amazing. That's

0:16:51 Thomas: Now. I'm imagining this was actually you, like, with your foresight powers, making B-Man do the horrible thing he did the the other week. So yeah, exactly, it's all coming

0:16:58 Eli: Right, so he would feel bad enough to eventually. Yes. Yes. It's all coming together. But that means, because again, for those of you with neuro spicy kids, you know, you'd rather be in a car crash with your neurotypical kid than go, Hey, do you know the thing we do every single morning that helps you start your day? Yeah.

0:17:07 Thomas: Together. Oh yes.

0:17:17 Tom: Oh no, oh no.

0:17:14 Thomas: Yes, a routine. You'd almost call, you would almost refer to it as a routine. Oh

0:17:21 Eli: That's different today and completely out of your control. Um, there will be a near stranger involved. Um. It It's going to be scary and new, and you have to follow my directions right away. You have to be okay with this right now. How's your cereal? Is it yummy? You having a nice, yummy cereal? Cool. You know how the little bit of control you have is just like playtime before you fucking start a day where everyone tells you what to do the whole day? That's gone. That's fucking gone. And if you don't behave 100% of the time, you can't have a fucking video game or whatever. It's just all the things, you have no choice over anything in your life, and you're gonna fucking deal with it. So he's struggling, and look, my

0:17:24 Tom: Oh.

0:17:24 Thomas: Wow.

0:17:33 Tom: Fuck. Oh, it's

0:17:33 Thomas: Oh God, this is too real. Oh man, in.

0:18:07 Eli: Kid struggles a couple ways. Sometimes he acts out, but sometimes his brain is just a fucking stuck record. He literally, there's a 30-minute drive, he spent the entire 30-minute drive just trying to form the sentence of, like, I don't like this, right? And it was funny because me and my buddy's wife who picked us up were just laughing about it on the way back. He just kept being like, Daddy, how do I, Daddy, how do I, but like literally hundreds of times, because he could not get the words out of, like, how do I undo this? How do I feel okay? He doesn't have the fucking, first of all, adults don't have the equipment. You talk to an adult who have been through something bad, they're just like, it is what it is. He doesn't know if it is where it is yet, that tried and true thing. So he's fucking fucking rough. I go, I'm getting the cars thing now, gentlemen, before I tell you the little pièce de résistance that happened mere moments before

0:18:07 Tom: Brutal, man.

0:18:23 Tom: Oh man.

0:18:26 Thomas: Wow.

0:18:43 Thomas: Oh, yeah. I'd be doing worse in this situation. Yeah, I'd be doing worst than him. Yeah.

0:19:03 Thomas: Oh.

0:19:03 Eli: We got on this call. I have a question for you because I've never had a car total before. I've smooshed my cars multiple times, but I always smoosh them a little. I smoosh him a gentleman's smoosh, and that's right, and but those aren't cars, and you can always fix a baby. That's what they say. You can always fix a bim.

0:19:13 Tom: A gentleman smoosh. Yeah.

0:19:14 Thomas: Well, the babies that you run over don't tend to put that much. And they just don't they don't have a whole lot of force. They don't mess with your car that much yet.

0:19:26 Eli: Exactly. They're tiny. Yeah. Barely dent. It's a paint job thing, if anything. I've never told my car before, from what I googled, and this doesn't seem right, this doesn'T seem correct, they're going to tell me what my car was worth the second before someone struck it with their vehicle. And then they're gonna give me that money. But that money, a lot of resources online have ensured me of this, is not enough to buy a new car, not a brand new car.

0:19:42 Tom: That's exactly right. Yeah, right.

0:19:42 Thomas: Yep. Oh gosh. Yeah the gap insurance. Yeah Yeah.

0:19:54 Tom: Well, yeah, no, yeah, that Yeah.

0:19:56 Eli: Obviously, I'm not, I'm not expecting to get a Lexus out of this, but I'm

0:19:58 Thomas: Wait, how much do you owe on these cars? Nothing. Oh, that's okay. You fuck, fuck you. You're fine. The thing that normally happens is you have $50,000 outstanding debt on the car and they're like, well, your car's worth $12 and then you just have $150,000 in debt for a nothing.

0:20:00 Eli: No, nothing here. They're

0:20:01 Tom: Yeah, yeah, that, that is a hundred percent how it works. Yeah.

0:20:16 Tom: Yeah.

0:20:16 Thomas: That's normal. So at least to give you a little bit of feeling better, at least you're not doing that.

0:20:22 Tom: They're not there to make you whole, like it was the first day you bought a brand new car. They're just saying, like, yeah, right. Yeah.

0:20:26 Eli: Paid. Right. No, I know that. I wasn't expecting to get a brand-new car. That would be excessive, and I think yucky. Nobody wants that.

0:20:33 Thomas: And you shouldn't have one. You are too dirty. You re trashing. Yeah.

0:20:35 Tom: Yeah, well, you, I'm not even sure you should have a Segue, actually.

0:20:35 Eli: But from, yeah, and I shouldn't have one, but from what I'm reading, I don't know that it's gonna pay for a used car. Mm.

0:20:43 Tom: Well, should pay for exactly the same car that got smashed. So, like, if you had, like, let's say you had a, right, if you got a 2020 Camry with 140,000 miles on it, was worth 11,000

0:20:44 Thomas: Well, Well, yeah, whatever your car, you went to buy your piece of shit car again.

0:20:55 Tom: Bucks They'll give you 11,000 bucks, and then you could conceivably look around and buy a 2020 Camry with 140 thousand miles on it or whatever for that exact price. They should give you, in theory at least, the value that exactly equals the value of your car, so you would be able to replace your car with the same car. Yeah.

0:20:56 Eli: -hmm

0:21:06 Thomas: It's blue book or whatever, right?

0:21:14 Eli: All Right. Look, if I can replace my car with the same

0:21:17 Thomas: Ooh, I'll tell you this though. Dad tip, dad tip. I had to argue my, my guys. Remember when my car got, do you guys remember this? This was pre dads. Uh, God, when was this? I don't remember, but you know, the car that famously, uh, I was driving people around and Anna was yelling at me and stuff. Stuff, uh, that one, I, uh, was in an intersection. Uh, I was at the stopped at the red light, light turned screen, I start going into the intersection, and, uh, old lady was on her phone and just not very fast, but like, it was that the perfect speed for me to be like, what? That's not gonna

0:21:17 Tom: That's how it's supposed to work.

0:21:51 Thomas: Stop. Yeah, it was a movie thing where it's like out of nowhere, which I hate.

0:21:52 Tom: Yeah, bunk. Yeah, right.

0:21:56 Thomas: That's one of the worst tropes, is just someone's on a street and a car, they decided in movies that there's cars don't make sounds, and and you can't see to the side of you at all. Like, they've decided that. Yeah. God, I hate that. They do that with the old bad guys about to get you and he's got the knife. And then a car goes, it's just like

0:21:57 Eli: Car

0:22:05 Tom: They actually become invisible until the moment before impact. Yeah.

0:22:15 Eli: No meow. Yep.

0:22:15 Thomas: This fat, like, like it was the NASCAR. Anyway, it was not that, it was like pretty slow. And I was like, that's no, that's kind of, you know, I had too much time to know about it. You know, I didn't like it and it wasn't that much damage. I thought I'd kind of, it wasn't really drivable, but I did drive to the side of the road, like for a sec, at least. And then it was like not quite drivable, and they told me it was totaled, and it really felt like an accounting gimmick. It felt like the guy was like, well, because mine was like brand new, it was like months old. Huh.

0:22:41 Tom: I've looked into this recently because I just bought a used car for my son, and, like, his car I bought, I got a deal on it in part, and people write in, be like, don't do do that, but I did anyway. Like, his car was totaled out and then rebuilt, and I looked at, I was able to find the original damage, and I'm like, this is barely any damage. I was talking to somebody that I know that knows cars real well. It's like his thing, he buys them and sells them and flips them, and he's like, yeah, the problem is that the cost to repair cars has gone up so ridiculously that when they come out and look at it, and they're like, yeah, well, 10 years ago this would be a fixable car, and they wouldn't total it out.

0:22:54 Thomas: Yeah. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Right, well, nowadays they tell you, well, the car computer, there's too many, like, fucking computer. Oh really? Okay. Mine was more like, well, you don't know where the, where they keep all the computer chips in this car was the thing. I was like, what?

0:23:21 Tom: But even just body work. Yeah.

0:23:29 Thomas: Okay, and he's, he's like, yeah, I took out the front something system. So the point of the story, genuine advice, Eli, was the guy gave me the estimate. I was like, that can't be right. I was like, I just bought this. I know that you drive off the lot and then lose value, obviously. But it was ,like, way less.

0:23:30 Tom: Yeah.

0:23:43 Eli: Yeah. Right.

0:23:46 Thomas: And I was ,like, what the fuck? He's, like. Yeah, that's it. And so I was,, like, That can't, be right? Is there anything I can do? He's ,like. Well, if you can find comps, if, you can, find other whatevers, you might be able to argue the price. So I did. I was pretty upset about this cause it was, I didn't have the gap insurance. I just bought the, I was in one of the worst situations short of just, it's your only transportation. You have no fucking money. And yeah, that's the worst situation. But in terms of like the economics of the thing, buying a new car and getting it totaled is pretty bad because of the drive off the lot thing where it's worth like 10,000 less.

And so I just had a loan obviously that I was going to have to pay off, you know, and no car. So I went and found, like, I just searched around for every comp I could. I didn't end up moving the price that much, but I did move it a little bit. I don't remember how much. I don't know if it was much as, like, a thousand, but it was, it might have been a few hundreds at least. And so you can't argue it, whatever they tell you, you can, like, try to find comps.

0:24:18 Eli: Sure, yeah.

0:24:41 Eli: Yes, that is the advice that I found online, is that you should start building your comp file right

0:24:46 Thomas: Well, Then I'll just shut the fuck up. Yeah.

0:24:48 Tom: Right. What?

0:24:50 Eli: Away. Now that you can buy them online, apparently you can just find some asshole who's trying to sell a car at a dealership for $20,000 above value and just be like, yeah, nope. Look, somebody wants to charge me that for a car, like, fucking, that's the comp. Got the miles, got the trim. So I'm already doing that.

0:25:04 Thomas: Yeah.

0:25:06 Tom: A great way to spend your 10 days of summer vacation, huh? That's great, right?

0:25:09 Eli: Yeah, no, because I had so much free time. It's good that this is what I'm using it for. And I've got to catch a plane on Thursday. And so now I can do it in the rental cars that I was renting this morning. And that was fucking cool. So here's the piece de resistance, which is why, podcast listener, you're about to hear a loud bang at the end of my tale.

0:25:27 Thomas: Oh no.

0:25:27 Tom: Oh god.

0:25:33 Ad: [Ad break 2 — ad music]

0:25:35 Eli: So it's tough. I'm not having a cash money day. But Tom and Thomas, jokes aside, so sweet. Oh my god, dude, are you okay? You need anything? Right, so sweet, because I would have been, let's, let's say, let's take a moment of radical vulnerability if these situations were reversed and Thomas was like, guys, last night both of our cars were hit and I don't know what to do and Lydia's out of town, and I'd be like, okay, but you know, to 12 o'clock, 12 o'clock. Oh, I'm sorry, your cars got hit last night, so you didn't have the, seems like you have 10 hours to plan this record

0:25:38 Thomas: Not cash Money, do

0:26:14 Tom: No.

0:26:15 Eli: Take your time, take your time, whenever you need to do them. Do you record, I don't recall seeing a microphone in the old car. Maybe it's in the new one, but they're so wonderful. I drive back and I'm like, guys, I'm going to be 15 minutes late for the record. I am walking in the door when my son's counselor from Harbor Haven calls to say he's having an especially bad day

0:26:16 Thomas: You record in your car, or is that normally, yeah?

0:26:18 Tom: Is your car got a microphone in it? This is all very confusing. Yeah.

0:26:32 Thomas: Oh no, no.

0:26:33 Tom: Oh god, oh my god, are you, you fucking kidding me? Hey, are you me?

0:26:39 Eli: That he's hitting, that he is in the office.

0:26:39 Thomas: Oh shit.

0:26:41 Tom: Wait, wait, wait, maybe things will get better for me. Maybe it's on you.

0:26:44 Eli: Yes.

0:26:44 Thomas: No, that's how we'll know.

0:26:44 Tom: Now, fuck yeah, bitch! I'm buying a lottery ticket, motherfucker.

0:26:44 Eli: Is there this, and it follows

0:26:48 Thomas: If Tom has more than, just to be safe, one and a half good days, kill yourself. I'm serious. That means no, and I mean, I mean kill yourself. I mean, like, as a precaution, like

0:26:52 Tom: Yeah, eat shit, Eli.

0:26:52 Eli: Yes, yes, 100%, yeah. 100%, no, I get it.

0:26:58 Thomas: Just like I'm not, this is, I'm advocating for you in this situation, like you don't. Oh, no, no. That's me saying like for your own good. You want to avoid what's going to happen if you've swapped luck with Tom.

0:27:01 Eli: I wasn't sure if that was your voice or my inner monologue, and so thank you for clarifying. Again, still unsure if it's you or my inner monologue, but I do appreciate the attempt. But yeah, so she calls, you having a hard day, he's in the office. Oh no, I have that thought sometimes. I just, I

0:27:16 Thomas: I don't hold on. Other human beings matter there. Now, you know, I'm Not Not Your Inner Monologue. Other people have inner thoughts and lives. Okay.

0:27:25 Eli: Just don't believe it.

0:27:26 Tom: Bosnick dismissed, obviously untrue.

0:27:28 Eli: Yeah, you know, it's just people think crazy shit all the time. It's like when you're like, what if I jumped? What if other people had as complex and inner life as me? Like, what crazy But yeah, so she calls, he's having a really tough day, he's in the office, and he wants to go home, and I'm like, no, you can't send him home. Always, I'm sure I've bored you guys with this before, but like a month before school ended, on a Friday, the principal sent him home for hitting a kid.

0:27:39 Thomas: Right.

0:27:43 Tom: Brutal.

0:27:54 Thomas: Yeah, and then, right.

0:27:54 Tom: Yep. Yep. And he was like, awesome.

0:27:54 Eli: And then every day the following week, yeah, he hit a kid because he was like, get out of school free card. One Max Bosnick, get out of school three card, please.

0:27:58 Thomas: Yeah. Yeah. Now, given that it's a camp for Max Bosnix, like, don't they have a place, a quiet room or something?

0:28:08 Eli: Oh yes, and they They, yes, and again, I need to be clear, like, they are like, we're calming him down, we're having sensory active, right? This is not, we locked him in the shared and told him when he ain't so our slur he can come out.

0:28:17 Tom: Right. Good.

0:28:15 Thomas: Okay, yeah. Yeah, I just meant he's not gonna be a danger to other kids, like they can segregate him out for a sec so he doesn't. Yeah, okay, gotcha. Yeah. Oh,

0:28:25 Eli: Oh yeah, no, he's fine, he's for, yeah, and to be fair, it doesn't seem like he was hitting other kids today. He was just having a tough time. And, but it's so funny because I'm like, oh, really sorry, and there's this thing that happens because I, I maintain a facade all the time, but I, I'll start to talk to someone and it's funny. Because self-pity, I can fucking straight-arm the whole time. But if someone is kind, that is where I start to crack and cry.

0:28:27 Tom: Good. He just struggling. Yeah.

0:28:30 Thomas: Okay. Gotcha. That was just me.

0:28:53 Eli: And so this fucking 19 -year -old counselor, fucking, it's me, Kelsey, who's just a nice, just one of those saint humans, right? Who's just dedicated her life. Think about it. She's dedicated her Life to Helping Special Ed Kids. Because here's the thing. A beautiful woman cries on a mountaintop. You're like, oh, what? What has disturbed this poem? Oh, no, the portrait. A single slash has been cut in this portrait. I wonder what has ruined the poem of this woman's life. If a

0:28:53 Tom: Oh, no.

0:28:56 Thomas: Oh, no.

0:29:00 Tom: Right.

0:29:18 Thomas: Yeah, yeah. Oh

0:29:26 Eli: 40 -year -old man, if you sense a 40 year old man is crying, You're like, "Get the fuck out of here, dude." Because first of all, you'RE 40. It's not getting fixed. Anything you're crying about, about that isn't a national, if you aren't joined by a crowd that is also mourning Princess Die at the age of 40, get the fuck, dude, it's over. It's fucking like, yeah, oh yeah, my kid died. Cool. You can fucking cry all you want that your kid died, but like, today is hard, if you're crying because today is harder at the edge of 40, oh, oh, oh, there's something wrong, and it's not your day.

0:29:31 Tom: Everybody panics around you. Yep.

0:29:32 Thomas: Boy. Yeah.

0:29:52 Tom: Yep. Oh,

0:30:11 Eli: So I'm trying, I'm keeping it together, but I'm also doing that thing where I'm like, "I just want you to know we're so grateful," right, which, as Tom knows, people will think that that's anger if you're not careful. So I'M ALSO BEING LIKE, "SO GRATEFUL! HAPPY SMILES!" Well, I thank this girl, and then I got on the line to tell all of you my tale. So that's that's how my My 12 hours have been, almost 12 hours. That's how my, almost,

0:30:12 Tom: My God.

0:30:24 Thomas: Wait,

0:30:36 Tom: Jesus christ eli bosnick

0:30:43 Thomas: What are we waiting to find out? What's the thing?

0:30:45 Tom: You're waiting to find out what they value the cars at right and see if you get like what kind of what's going to

0:30:47 Thomas: Is that coming in? Okay. Oh.

0:30:47 Eli: Yes, yes. So that's what we're waiting to find out. I have a hunch, given my luck and the fact that Tom It Follows Me, I was so excited when Tom wanted to fuck. I was SO excited. He was like, you know, I've been reading The Ethical Slut. I think you make a lot of great points. Haley wants to watch. And I was like oh, it's awesome. But now I know he was just It's Following Me with the luck thing.

0:31:05 Tom: Happen it's that jesus Christ

0:31:08 Thomas: Oh, wow.

0:31:11 Eli: And I Was On Bottom, too. Which I feel like if it was an It Follows situation, I should have gotten to be on.

0:31:14 Thomas: Yeah. And you got to be like, how am I going to fuck someone? There's no, that's not, I don't have time. Yeah. Yeah. You're just fucked. The actually it follows is just, can you find a 40 year old dude?

0:31:20 Eli: Exactly. How can I fuck someone? I'm a 40 -year -old man who cries. Who the fuck wants to fuck a crying?

0:31:32 Thomas: It's actually really, you know, it follows. It's not that hard of a problem. When I think about it, you find any fucking forties, 50 middle -aged dad on just post one thirst trap. And then you're like well that guy's fucked because you can fuck him and no one else

0:31:33 Eli: Yeah. Yep. And no one else. He's gone forever.

0:31:50 Thomas: Will oh wait no that's bad because once it gets the last one then it comes after you oh that's why they did that I think so yeah wait is that the right or is that The Ring no I think it is that I think you have to keep it going I think It's Both The Ring and That I think You Have To Keep The Yep You Do oh dude It Falls Is Great I Really Like That Movie It's Really Good Yeah

0:31:55 Eli: Oh, is that what it does? Does it go reverse? No, because then it would get everybody.

0:32:05 Tom: Man is this like an evil pay it forward is that what this

0:32:05 Eli: Let's take a moment. Have you not seen It Followes? It follows, a great movie. You should restart.

0:32:10 Tom: Is no man I don't watch anything I don' t know

0:32:14 Eli: Everyone's a critic for one episode, so

0:32:16 Thomas: Yeah. So it's one of the horror movies that I've watched to give you an idea. It's like, oh, it's really interesting. It's I like it a lot.

0:32:16 Tom: Anything okay

0:32:22 Eli: It's a very simple concept. This girl fucks this dude and he's like, "I'm so sorry," and then he runs out into the woods and she's like, "Ah, weird." But you know, she's had sex with men before, so she fucking gets it, but then she starts seeing just randos walking towards her, just loping, pacing towards her, different people.

0:32:31 Tom: That'

0:32:32 Thomas: Oh, man. Lydia, don't listen. Even hearing a premise like this. Lydia is going to.

0:32:43 Eli: Different people looking towards her, and every time they get to her they attack her with sort of super, a variation of supernatural strength sometimes.

0:32:53 Tom: That's a hell of an STI

0:32:53 Eli: Yeah, it's a hell of an STI. I mean, it's about this, what, it's not, it's, it was about this. It's a bummer, and so she's game. She finally finds the guy, and it's this curse where this thing, this demon, comes after the next person you've had sex with, and the only way to pass off the curse is to have sex with someone.

0:32:55 Thomas: Exactly. Yeah.

0:32:59 Tom: Huh

0:33:12 Thomas: Yeah, because they go after whoever had it last. Yeah. But I do think the story was because I think she passes it off there. Yeah, cause there is a time where she passes it off to those guys in the boat or something.

0:33:14 Eli: And then it goes after this, sort of, whoever has it next.

0:33:14 Tom: Right right whoever has it yeah it' s evil fuck tag I

0:33:24 Thomas: And then it still comes after later, I think. I think cause I think

0:33:27 Eli: I don't remember it well enough.

0:33:27 Thomas: Once it kills. Yeah, I think once it kills the guy you fucked, then it comes after you, so that now my whole plan, well, because you have to just keep passing and passing, think about it. I

0:33:32 Eli: Then why would you even bother passing it off? Yeah.

0:33:37 Thomas: Mean, eventually you're going to get a hundred passes away and it's like, oh, okay, you know, a little bit of, anyway, that's what's happening. Well, this, that's, that's part of the horror.

0:33:41 Eli: Yeah, maybe, I don' know. Feels like an infinite demon. I feel like you need to sit down with God and the devil and be like, you can't have an infinite demon.

0:33:51 Tom: Feel like seven fucks away from the first one and Kevin Bacon's just getting attacked every time so it just feels

0:33:54 Thomas: I think what you do is you calculate, you do some physics calculations of the refractory period and the miles per hour, because that's the other thing about It Follows is it walks slow, but it always comes at you. Yeah.

0:33:54 Eli: Right, exactly. And, um, it's normal walking speed. Yeah, it's a much less fun version of the snail. Mm.

0:34:08 Thomas: We hire some professionals and we put them opposite ends of the country, and then they fuck, and then you fly them over, and then he fucked the other one, you know?

0:34:10 Eli: -hmm Right. You fly, and, yep, Asia.

0:34:18 Thomas: And they just, yeah. And that just has to keep going back and forth. And then it would be like this thing. Let's be real. There's a lot of things that are worse than that, that we see on the news every day. And I'm like, oh, well, I guess the scorching heat that we didn't do anything about is killing another thousand people today. Oh, weird. Isn't that weird?

0:34:33 Eli: That's true. Yeah, I feel like we could come together as a

0:34:36 Thomas: It'll be another thing. It'll be like, oh, the, uh, plane stall, you know, the ran out of fuel back up at the airport and the It Follows monster killed a few people today. They'd be like yeah, bummer.

0:34:46 Eli: Nation. Bummer. Oh, it sucks. And then your aunt's like, "That, you know, that It Follows monster is Jewish," and you're like, "Oh."

0:34:47 Tom: Yeah that'

0:34:47 Thomas: They should have done something about that. Yeah.

0:34:54 Tom: S

0:34:54 Eli: Man, you've really been enabled, huh? So

0:34:55 Thomas: Oh boy. Man.

0:35:04 Ad: [Ad break 3 — ad music]

0:35:06 Eli: That's what's up. That's what's frying. I know it's a, yeah, I know that's a short episode, folks, but no, it's because we have to do two.

0:35:07 Thomas: Yeah.

0:35:08 Tom: A GREAT DAY TODAY THAT'

0:35:11 Thomas: No, we do you want to do them? Okay.

0:35:16 Tom: S IT it's a short episode we've got 15 minutes

0:35:16 Thomas: Oh gotcha.

0:35:17 Eli: I know it's a short episode, but here's the thing. Here's the thing. If you're sad that it's short episode. Think about how sad I am that my cars are gone. Think about all the extra long episodes we've done. And now add those. Average them. Do a divide. And then you got a normal episode.

0:35:25 Tom: Late did

0:35:34 Thomas: Yeah, yeah.

0:35:37 Tom: They let you root through your trash for like your prized belongings before they hauled the cars away

0:35:41 Eli: They did.

0:35:42 Thomas: There are no prized belongings in there.

0:35:42 Eli: It was fucking really sad. It was really weird. I got only

0:35:45 Tom: Have you been in his car Thomas Smith? Oh so

0:35:47 Thomas: Only once. Never again.

0:35:49 Eli: Once. But can I say, Thomas was there pre-kids, so he hasn't been in my car.

0:35:52 Thomas: Oh my. Well, I know I've been, I've been in your car post-kids, I think on the trip. Yeah.

0:35:56 Eli: Oh, okay, you've been in your car. Okay, I was going to say, because I always think about the trip with Cecil and you where Cecil made me get out so he could park the car.

0:36:03 Tom: He could try out right yeah

0:36:00 Thomas: Yeah, that's true. There's that. No. Cause it's not the driving anymore. You've learned to drive a little better. So it's not that so much. It actually having the kid makes it even more horrifying. Cause when you get in your fucking jack-off buddy's car and it's just trash everywhere, you're like, all right, guy in his twenties or whatever. But then when you get in the car and there's trash everywhere and a baby seat, and it's just the trash is actually up to the baby's chin.

0:36:24 Eli: Yeah, it's got a real baby shoes, never worn vibe.

0:36:28 Thomas: That's worse.

0:36:27 Tom: Right it's all just half-chewed cheerios the entire backseat is it's just, how can it all be

0:36:32 Eli: Yeah, but it's just Cheerios. And that's what I did.

0:36:32 Thomas: Yeah. Oh no. It was, uh, it was still majority, um, Eli's trash. It was Still Majority. It's not, it's not Max's trash,

0:36:37 Eli: Yeah. Oh, yeah, no.

0:36:35 Tom: Cheerios? It's not his stuff, yeah. Actually, you know, Max is pretty fastidious, all things considered,

0:36:42 Eli: Let's not blame... Yeah.

0:36:42 Thomas: It's not his. Yeah. There's a clean little halo around kid seat. Oh

0:36:46 Tom: You know.

0:36:46 Eli: Yeah. He's a pretty clean kid. It's funny. He sometimes notices the mess and like the level of understanding of that. But sometimes he'll just be like, a lot of mess. And I'm like, yeah, fucker. I'll

0:36:54 Thomas: Boy. Oh.

0:37:02 Tom: Fucking Judgy McJudgerson back there. Fuck you, Max.

0:37:02 Thomas: That's so funny.

0:37:02 Eli: Tell you what. How about daddy takes six months off and throws out half your shit?

0:37:07 Thomas: Oh, that is so good.

0:37:08 Eli: You want that? Huh?

0:37:09 Tom: Still better than your car, you little fucker.

0:37:09 Eli: You want a nice clean house? Yeah? Yeah. So, yeah.

0:37:11 Thomas: Yeah, you have someone you can blame now, at least. That's nice. All right, you got a joke for us?

0:37:15 Clip: DEAR OLD DADS

0:37:24 Eli: Here's my joke. Here's the joke. Here's a joke. Oh, I do have a joke that my wife sent me from fiddle camp, because they love puns at fiddle camp here. It is. One second. Um, so if I can keep this episode longer, hey, we didn't have a short episode, he said, but while he fucking looked for a thing. Yes.

0:37:50 Thomas: I'll edit in like car crash sounds in the background not

0:37:50 Tom: Oh,

0:37:51 Eli: Exactly, crashing cars. Okay, there once was a terrible king who was only 12 inches tall. He was a horrible monarch, but a great ruler.

0:38:02 Thomas: Again, you started in limerick fashion I was

0:38:04 Tom: My God. That's good. That's great. That's fucking good. I know.

0:38:09 Eli: All right

0:38:09 Thomas: Yeah good stuff up

0:38:58 Tom: Hell fucking yeah. Wait, no, that made it worse. That made it a little worse. Eat shit, Eli Bosnick.

0:39:09 Eli: We're for as little as a dollar. I already told you that you give me the money oh yeah man your life is bad they love puns at fiddle camp

0:39:16 Tom: It's evil fuck tag.