DOD285: How Many Dads Are We Buying for Anyway?!

Transcript

This transcript was generated automatically and may contain errors — the audio is the record.

0:00:02 Clip: I'm the cool dad, that's my thing I know now what I can offer you that no one else can Complete and under-dependent I'm a man, I'm sensitive I need to feel loved, I need part of being a father that I enjoy

0:00:28 Tom: Welcome to Dear Old Dads, the podcast that's belatedly wishing you a happy Father's Day. I'm Tom, joined as always by Thomas Smith and Eli Bosnick. Hello, gentlemen.

0:00:38 Eli: I can't believe you forgot Father's Day. That's the greatest gift of Father's day, is that you didn't forget. No matter what happened, you didn' forget.

0:00:50 Tom: Well, but you can still forget your own dad. Like, yeah, I mean, you guys can't. Actually, you guys are in the clear for that, so yeah.

0:00:54 Thomas: Yeah, mine's dead. Yeah, exactly. Yeah.

0:00:56 Eli: We can, yeah. Yeah. We can, and I'm sure if you convinced your dad that it would be untoward, or whatever the fuck word he would use about it, he'd be like, yes, of course. No, that's not an appropriate, yeah, take

0:01:03 Thomas: It's not professional. You can't wish Happy Father's Day in the workplace. That is unprofessional.

0:01:12 Tom: I fucking crushed Father's day for my dad and for Haley's dad this year, so.

0:01:15 Eli: Me there. What'd you get?

0:01:17 Tom: Well like, let me just start off by saying that they are both fucking impossible impossible people to buy for, for different reasons, but they are just impossible people to buy stuff for. Haley's dad is difficult to buy stuff for because he's got very specific interests and we don't know what they are because we live, you know, a thousand miles away and we don't really see him very often. Like, and especially because Haley's been sick, we haven't, literally haven't seen him in, I don't know, seven or eight years, you know? Like, except for, like, the couple of days we spent together right when he came down to houston yeah but we weren't like well you know we weren'T checking in on like our hobbies though you know like we had other stuff kind of occupying our mental time at that at the moment so oh my god no I'll give a hayley update too because she's doing she'sdoing

0:01:47 Thomas: During surgery, right? Yeah, I thought you I think you guys were best friends after that. It was like you talked.

0:01:58 Eli: So you think she's faking it? Oh yeah, she's totally faking and stop faking. Yeah.

0:02:05 Tom: Better and my dad like my dad used to have hobbies but like he's physically not able to do them anymore like he just he needs help getting in and out of a chair you know he's got a scooter to drive himself around and his hobbies were like woodworking and shit so now you're like what the fuck do I get these people I barely know Haley's dad, but here's what I did. I think this is great. When we were in the cafeteria at MD Anderson down in Houston, I realized that he drinks decaf coffee, and he was complaining that it is very hard to find a good quality decaff coffee. So I went on Reddit. I found all the coffee nerds.

0:02:36 Thomas: Yeah it's also hard to find non -alcoholic like wine. That's really tricky to find to get.

0:02:43 Tom: Zero is a good brand for non-alcoholic wine if anyone wants it. I cook with it all the the time but so I went on the nerd reddit for coffee nerds and I looked for all the decaf all the best brands and I bought a pack of like four or five of the best decaff coffees that everybody recommended for hayley's dad and we sent it to him well

0:02:46 Eli: See, there you go.

0:03:02 Thomas: Yeah all right. Are we, is Tom doing a bit are we so into this like giving people stuff that you have to do your father-in-law for father's day what is happening I don't know

0:03:13 Tom: It's hayley his dad wouldn't hayley would get her dad something what

0:03:15 Eli: Did you not get Lydia's dad something for Father's Day?

0:03:19 Tom: Are you talking about

0:03:19 Thomas: I don't know if she did or she didn't. Hopefully she did, I

0:03:20 Tom: Do you guys talk to each other like yeah I mean like Haley and I were talking about what to get her dad, and I was like, I have an idea.

0:03:24 Thomas: I don't know, man. Just sounds like a lot.

0:03:30 Eli: Well, look, Lydia's parents never do anything for you guys. I can understand why it

0:03:34 Tom: Yeah, just let him, you know.

0:03:34 Eli: Would say they're so distant. There's no, you know, you never see them.

0:03:37 Thomas: Truth is, we probably did do something. It's already been like a week. I don't remember. I don't know. Maybe I probably got him a car or something. I don' t know. Who knows?

0:03:43 Tom: I

0:03:43 Eli: At what point does this remember that podcast that was short lived for about 10 minutes where the two liberal kids tried to talk to

0:03:51 Thomas: I remember you telling us about it. Yeah.

0:03:51 Eli: Their dad who was a Trumper, but then it became obvious that he just had the kind of dementia that makes you mean so they stopped doing it at what point are we there with thomas how many things does he have to not know before we're like hey folks um we're taking the show on a quick hiatus while we move thomas into assisted constant editing living honestly we could just send him

0:03:59 Tom: I don't remember this. Assisted constant editing, living. I like that, yeah.

0:04:17 Eli: The same the same raw footage of lawyers talking and adjusting their microphones every week it's the same way and he would just

0:04:28 Thomas: Oh, Jesus Christ. This is too real.

0:04:28 Eli: All right here we go oh

0:04:28 Tom: It was awesome, because we got a text message. He loved it, and it was very genuine, because if it's just a thing, he would have been like, like thanks but like he sent like a long message about how great it was and like how happy he was and then for my dad I realized that like what my dad used to do and he can't do anymore because his best friend is no longer able to physically either so he used to get together once a year with his best friends on new year's eve and they would get lobster tail and they would celebrate my dad doesn't splurge so like that would be a big deal for my dad to spend 35 a pound on lobster tail like you do it once a year. And he hasn't done it for years. And I remembered, ha, he hasn'T done that for a long time. So I had Maine lobster flown in

0:05:10 Eli: Sweet nice yeah

0:05:11 Tom: Overnighted for my dad. And like, he was blown away by it, like blown away. He was blown away by it. It was a fucking crushing victory for both of them. I was very happy.

0:05:14 Thomas: And they're nervous flyers.

0:05:16 Eli: Just trying to use both elbow wrists on the edge stop it I know you're a lobster amazing that's awesome you didn't take him somewhere local because then you would have to talk about

0:05:29 Tom: I had never seen him on father's day. No, it never even occurred to me to get together on father's day actually

0:05:29 Eli: Something okay we're and we're back everybody buddy we found it everybody on this show is in a form of psychosis that should probably be an emergency intervention sure I understand you show up at his door and he's just like it's christmas he proceeds to live the rest of his life as though that was christmas tearing

0:05:46 Tom: No it's not christmas we're not gonna get together until we get together on christmas eli I will call him every two weeks from now until then all right so eli what'd you for anna's dad or do you not know because it's that is

0:06:01 Eli: Up calendars resetting phones so we did nothing for anna's dad no we did nothing for Anna's dad

0:06:09 Thomas: Thank you you did nothing for oh why why did you nothing for his dad I better put you fucking home oh

0:06:16 Eli: So we once did something for anas dad and he called us to tell us what a waste of everything that was for

0:06:26 Thomas: Yeah that is the tism nice

0:06:28 Tom: Terrible

0:06:31 Eli: Eleventy million hours I did text him happy Father's Day I think Anna called him, but I wouldn't have known because I was enjoying my Father's Day present, a board game weekend. A weekend of board games at the Origin Board Game Fair in sunny, beautiful Rock City, Columbus, Ohio. That's right. I was in Columbus, Ohio, a city I know very well because that's where I go for my magic convention every year with one of my dad friends and one of our podcast friends, Kelly, we all went out to origins and had Wednesday to Sunday. So however many days that is, I don't do math straight days of Midwest board gaming. And it was exquisite. It's exquisite woke up every morning. So me and my buddy B man who went, and I'm going to just call him B man, because I have an amazing story. I want to tell about him on the plane and for the first time ever I always ask like hey can I tell the story he was like hey don't use my real name when you tell this story so I was like okay but I can't wait to tell you this you know what I might save it for the patrons because

0:07:42 Eli: It's so good genuinely one of the nicest kindest people I know did one ofthe worst things he's ever done by accident incident and I got to watch him do it, realize he had accidentally done it and internalize the guilt in a quarter of a second. It was beautiful. We'll save it for the end. But I had four straight beautiful days of board game fun. I mean, waking up because me and my buddy B -Man, we're both dads who wake up with our kids. So 6am, right? 6am is just the fucking order of the day. I slept in till 10 30 like a teenager every single day double did not a single day did I wake up in a single digit 10 30 every single morning stroll down down now Eli what's your favorite breakfast when you travel why that would be an acai bowl an aci bowl you say you mean with that little concoction at the bottom you don't know what the fuck it is and then some berries and some granola and honey on the top. Eli, honey's not vegan. Fuck you, it's vegan. Why, yes, I did. And there was an acai bowl place in the fucking convention center. So every day I woke up, I got my little coffee and everyone was Midwest nice. Everyone. Let me ask you a question, gentlemen. And Tom, you live in the Midwest, so

0:08:23 Tom: Fuck yes double digits okay yeah all right

0:09:07 Eli: The answer should be recently. When was the last time you experienced the sexual pleasure that is is midwest nice you

0:09:17 Tom: I mean describe what you mean by midwest nice because I feel like that's just midwest for us

0:09:24 Eli: Walk into a store and they say good morning how's it going and then you tell them and then they say yeah oh oh it would just be my entire life it's every second of my life and what do you want because I am

0:09:28 Tom: Oh literally constantly yeah it would be bizarre if they didn't do that do they they not do that on the east coast so people not greet you when you walk

0:09:40 Eli: In I am in New Jersey. I am in New York. Which means every business I walk into every store every bodega every grocery store someone's like yeah what do you want hurry up go fast I'm too busy being an italian and or trying to be famous depending on which of those locations I am talking about just now no one has been nice to me for a hundred years the first time it happened was at the coffee shop in the hotel I come down lady goes hey baby maybe you need a

0:09:41 Thomas: Baby?

0:10:02 Tom: In

0:10:18 Thomas: Wow. Yeah.

0:10:18 Eli: Coffee this morning and I was like are you yeah

0:10:18 Tom: Well that's a lot yeah I don't get a lot of hey babies did she have other services outside her barista

0:10:23 Eli: She was an older woman of color and so I doubt it was a sexual approach if it was I wish she'd have told me because the answer was a big old yes and I tell you I felt like a million bucks and I Was like maybe I just nailed it maybe I charmed this lady dollars to ducats but then every place we went oh my god how are you joking gonna wear you ever have like a great interaction with a waiter I haven't not until I was in sunny columbus ohio me and kelly we go to bear burger late at night it's like 10 o 'clock at night and I won't bore you with board game stories because I think that is truly the that would be so boring that even the parasocial show that his dear old dads would hit the the basement of I don't give a fuck about these people is if I was like and then he moved to the left in container that's That's when I deployed my Murgatroyd card. April Poff would send me a message on Facebook being like, was boring, hated it, please die. So I won't bore you with that, but we're playing a game really late at night. We're playing this long, complicated game. Turns out to be super fun, but we die pretty early. We get killed by an alien. Again, long story. Pretty early, and we're like, hey, we're going to run across the street to Bear Burger. Bear Burger closes at 10 o 'clock. We walk in at 9 .45. My friends, if you walk into a business business within three hours of closing in new york the staff which by the way are all inside each other when you walk in roll the like getting a teenager to go to church right just huffing up to the front hi what do you fucking want we close at

0:12:05 Tom: Mean

0:12:05 Eli: 10 this lady was like oh my gosh just in time. Like the sweetness. This lady literally was like, well, so here's the thing. Your burgers are going to take, think about this sentence. Think about this sentence and think about how different it is from every other breathing second of my existence. She goes, your burgers are gonna take a little while. So I'm not gonna make your milkshakes just yet. Cause I don't want them to melt on you.

0:12:31 Tom: I love how insane this all feels for you because this is just like bog standard being out in the world here like for

0:12:38 Eli: Not here.

0:12:32 Thomas: Maybe that's how Tom does it. Maybe that is how Tom is still alive. He gets the kindness of strangers. Yeah. Yeah.

0:12:42 Eli: That's what what it is is he's you know what it is it's the big bag is balanced by the nice good you'd get the courage to end it all if you had to order a bagel here in Jersey you'd be like hi can I get a didn't ask for your order yet fuck and you'd me like oh okay

0:12:52 Tom: Real what is it like on the west coast I've never I've been like this

0:13:00 Thomas: California is more nobody cares about anything happening. It is not as. I wouldn't say it's like as rude maybe, but it's like, you'd actually be like, hey, can I get something? You'd be like oh, I guess you can order something. Fine, yeah.

0:13:11 Eli: Yeah sure little weird loser I guess if you want to order I'm gonna side note for a second forgive me while I tangent because I I hit my my old man limit the other day.

0:13:20 Tom: Is I love forgive me while I tangent this entire conversation is simply tangents yes

0:13:29 Eli: It's a tangent and I apologize. I apologize Oh that's right but gentlemen do you know the only thing worse than asking for anything in a state besides Tom? Why? It's the auto -ants coming at you to ruin your podcast experience but you can make those go away over at patreon .com forward slash dear old dads where for as little as a book a show you'll get a commercial free version of every single episode plus a little parenting story at the end. What did my friend do at this board gaming convention that will haunt his dreams and nightmares there's only one way to find out my friends over at patreon .com forward slash dear old dads like my buddy into a disabled child

0:13:30 Thomas: Oh wait, we have to do the break though, shit. Oh, wow.

0:14:07 Eli: Rip into it so

0:14:14 Ad: [Ad break 1 — ad music]

0:14:16 Eli: Side note I hit my old man limit the other day I'm waiting for my friend I'm doing a favor for somebody and I'm wading outside of his apartment because I've come early to something to be helpful so you show up early and he's not ready because it's me and i'M living my norm I'm not in columbus ohio so I'm living my normal life and I noticed that there's a trendy new coffee shop next to his place. Now, if you know a couple of things about Eli Bosnick, you know, one, I love to run over a squirrel with my car. And two, I'm love a hot, fresh cup of coffee and I love a pour over. And I see that they've got a specialty pour over menu. And I'm like, pour over venue. Yes, please. I order a pourover coffee. It is market price. And I'm like hey uh can I get a pour over coffee she's like absolutely what would you like and I let me get this one they got the flavor notes and everything would you like to know what they attempted to charge me for a cup of pour over coffee 15 dollars I said no for the first time in my life I was like hey nope hey I don't

0:15:13 Tom: Right seven

0:15:24 Thomas: Wow, $15.

0:15:25 Eli: Know what what you meant. I was like, I don't know what I don't understand. I'm sure there's something here that I'm missing out on. You grow these beans up in your vajooch, and that's how you get, you harvest them one day at a time. Good on ya. I'M NOT HERE, BUT I cannot afford a $15 cup of coffee.

0:15:25 Tom: Dollars that's fucking

0:15:44 Thomas: Yeah, that's crazy.

0:15:44 Eli: I am going to go to the bodega next door, where after screaming, please help me for 20 minutes a man will pour me some dirty bong water into a cup which I will add I should have known when there wasn't splenda out that was on me so yeah that was my father's day wonderful board game convention just a just a truly truly and

0:15:54 Tom: Bonkers

0:16:03 Thomas: And you got to have an old man moment. It's sort of part of it.

0:16:06 Tom: You did that

0:16:06 Eli: I got to have an old man moment that was at a different time but you know what it was it was lovely it was lively everywhere that was like two days ago no

0:16:09 Thomas: Oh, sorry. Wait, it was? When was that? I missed that. Oh, okay.

0:16:16 Tom: Was just another service related moment yeah

0:16:17 Eli: I was back in new york for that are you if you tried to charge someone 15 for something in Columbus, Ohio, they'd be like, oh, that's code for drugs. And those drugs, yeah, that is a child.

0:16:25 Tom: Right fifteen dollars in columbus ohio is a small home like

0:16:28 Thomas: Yeah, you're right. I should have known that.

0:16:28 Tom: That is a smart home yeah it's a bungalow you can get a bungalo for fifteen dollars yeah

0:16:29 Eli: That is how you buy an Epstein boy. All right. So, the question becomes, gentlemen, what did you get for Father's Day?

0:16:38 Thomas: Oh, did we get stuff? Oh, I got, yeah, the stuff from my kids. They make all manner of silly nonsense. Nonsense. No, she got, I don't, uh,

0:16:40 Tom: Well I got gifts did you not get gifts

0:16:41 Eli: Oh, no. Lydia. Lydia? Oh. Lydia, so here is, look.

0:16:52 Thomas: No, it's probably more on me. No. I got to sleep and we had a nice time.

0:16:54 Tom: Reached out and touched the

0:17:00 Eli: Look, I existed

0:17:00 Thomas: I had to sleep. Lydia took care of the kids and well,

0:17:02 Tom: Heart I'm not sure thomas was was there I'm just sure were you at your father's day were you

0:17:08 Thomas: I think I'd have to be.

0:17:11 Eli: During Father's Day.

0:17:11 Thomas: Yeah. But it, I got a sleep in even more than I normally do. And we had a night nice uh where the kids are always annoying about it didn't do anything I wanted to do so that was good for father's day it's pretty much right on yeah no that's that's all

0:17:12 Tom: There I did a lot of editing during father's day but I did a little less editing than I normally would during

0:17:31 Eli: So there's one of two tragic outcomes here, Thomas. And I'm actually hoping for the latter. The former is Lydia, who I know is listening, got you nothing for Father's Day, in which case, come on, L -Dog. Come on. Or B, she was like, she like hand painted a mug and fucking and it just you were like and deleted.

0:17:55 Eli: Delete your drinking, your drinking out of the Father's Day mug she made for you.

0:17:57 Tom: Father

0:17:55 Thomas: Well she had the kids make a little nice thing for me and and uh yeah no it was we I mean we don't do like as much stuff as you guys I guess I don't know yeah you get you guys in holidays you guys are insane saint.

0:18:08 Eli: When you say you guys, you mean the rest of people.

0:18:11 Tom: I'm not sure that we're

0:18:11 Thomas: I need another person who's not crazy. Yeah.

0:18:15 Eli: You know who you could connect with on this topic? Tom's dad. Maybe give old Bert Tom a call. I forget his real name.

0:18:17 Thomas: No, I feel like he would not be on my side of this. Yeah, his dad sees it as an obligation.

0:18:22 Tom: Insane my dad never fails to get gifts my dad is a good my dad gives gifts he always remembers he calls emails

0:18:29 Eli: What about your dad? Call your dad. I bet your dad wouldn't have done it again. Get a little Ouija board out. Hey, he keeps saying it. Planchett keeps moving towards I don't give a fuck. Yeah. Chop wood. Wood.

0:18:38 Tom: It just keeps spelling snakes over and over it's just snakes snakes snakes

0:18:43 Thomas: Chop wood.

0:18:45 Eli: So Thomas had a sad time. That's sad.

0:18:46 Tom: Yeah I had a super ultra extended father's day we were calling it like tantric father's day because it lasted a really long time sting was there yeah it was it was great private little private performance and uh it lasted longer it's a little chafey But Haley ordered me a muffaletta sandwich flown in from New Orleans, which she's done in the past. It's awesome. But, but, she ordered it a week early.

0:18:47 Thomas: No it's fine. Jesus.

0:19:06 Eli: The yuge, of course.

0:19:11 Thomas: Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, you told us that and I was saying you better get another one, right?

0:19:15 Tom: Well, here's what was great. So she ordered a week earlier. So I got to eat this delicious muffaleta sandwich for, like, several days prior to Father's Day. Because it's a ridiculous amount of food. It's an absolutely obscene amount of fruit. And then I had wanted, for ,like, a gift, I wanted a new Garmin watch for cycling. I was replacing my Apple watch with a Garmin watch. And I was like, I want this Garmin watch. And then I was, like, I actually want to buy it on my own Amazon account, though, because I get the extended warranty on everything through my account, and it's on sale. She's like, well, just buy it then. So I got that, like two weeks early, because it was on sale, so I got my sandwiches early, I got my big gift early. And then on Father's Day, I got frozen key lime pie bars, which were were flown in from Florida, because that's my favorite dessert. I got a great card. I got to sleep in. Finn went to Starbucks and brought me my order from Starbucks. Donovan gave me a very nice card and some coffee. Aislinn gestured in my general direction, which was wonderful.

0:20:15 Tom: And Eamon wished me a happy Father's Day and built me something out of Legos, which he always does. That's what he gets me for everything, is he just builds something. Because he doesn't have any money or ability to go anywhere, so he He just builds shit out of Legos and then gives it to people for gifts.

0:20:28 Eli: Hell yeah.

0:20:28 Tom: It's actually really funny. It's hilarious.

0:20:29 Eli: Now here's the question. Are those keeper gifts when he gives them? Like, do you get to keep those Legos or does he like gently?

0:20:34 Tom: The Lego things. Oh, no, they're keepers. Yeah, no. No, no no. Those are definitely keepers like he that is a gift and he's like surrendered it out to the world like that is for you.

0:20:44 Eli: That's awesome.

0:20:44 Tom: He doesn't want it back. So it's awesome. So I have I have his little Lego creations on my bookshelf behind me when I record when I'm at work. So I've got all his little LEGO gifts up with all my other knickknacks and whatever. So but it was a great it was very low key. Like I said, I got a real nice gift. I got along, stretched out. I got some awesome food. It was a terrific day. It was beautiful day.

0:21:04 Eli: Incredible. I made my dad some clay, like clay worms. They were singing worms. It was a dad worm and a son worm because because me and him used to sing all the time, on a mushroom. My father lost and destroyed everything in his life instantly. Those survived beyond his death. Like, he kept those, that mushroom with the worms, went from desk to desk and job to job for 20 years.

0:21:25 Tom: Yeah, I think that's great.

0:21:28 Thomas: Yeah. That's me.

0:21:30 Tom: That's awesome.

0:21:31 Thomas: Phoebe made me a piece of paper that she made into a donut just when she was playing when she Was like three or four. Yeah, something like that. And I was like, well, I'm keeping this forever, so I still have that.

0:21:43 Eli: Now, speaking of things that our kids made us, I received my Father's Day card from Max. And I actually teased this to you gents on our message thread. I said, new topic, neurodivergent kids and their Father's Day slash Mother's Day cards. My son has been interested lately in the next flipbook for his flipbook collection. He's got 50 flipbooks. Keeps them in an old Lego container. He earns them for behaving himself at night in bed. And the next one coming up, it's a banger. It's a mummy. And the mummy does some bullshit. Who fucking cares? He's seen it before. He's seen it on YouTube. He wants it. Grandma found it. And so he has mentioned this flipbook casually. He just tossed out that he's interested in that flipbook and acquiring it once every four and a half seconds for the last 18 years of his life. He has just talked about it. So if I may, I'd like to read you now my Father's Day card from my son. Dear Dad, I want the mummy flipbook.

0:22:48 Eli: So he does this when When he's visiting my mom with Anna while I'm away at my board game convention, they're like, hey, Max, do you want to write fucking anything about your dad or just anything? He goes, yeah, on the back, I'm going to write what daddy is going to say when he reads this card. So on theback, it says, yay.

0:23:11 Tom: It's adorable.

0:23:11 Eli: And so that is now in my office. So it's funny because, again, having a neurodivergent child, I think a lot of people's offices, when they have non -neurodiverigent children, it's probably covered in, like, love notes or gifts or something. Mine are covered in various hostage notes. Yes, literally hostage demands because I have Dear Dad, I Want My Mommy flipbook. And then the other thing from my son that I have is, so he knows he can't come into the office when I am recording. So what he does is he slides the book he wants me to read him after my recording

0:23:27 Thomas: Demand letters.

0:23:28 Tom: Yeah, right, yeah. Cut out from newspapers and magazines, yeah, that's

0:23:47 Eli: Under my office door. He slides it like like a terrorist. And then in a book the other day was accompanied by this note. Dear Daddy, I want to give you this book for after your call, Max.

0:23:47 Thomas: Yeah, that's cute. Yeah.

0:23:51 Tom: Really funny.

0:24:05 Eli: So the demand notes are in season.

0:24:04 Thomas: Oh,

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0:24:15 Tom: Do you guys have little sentimental things I'm just curious now because we're talking about keeping gifts you have a little sentimental thing that you keep like in your wallets or maybe you guys don't even have wallets because you're 10 years younger than I am you probably just have a cell phone but I'm juste curious like I was just it just made me realize like I have from 26 years ago now I have the name card the handwritten calligraphy name card from Cecil and Sarah's wedding I've had that in my wallet for 26 years I have the first note from the first gift Haley ever got me that is in my Wallet the first little post -it note from Eamon that just says Daddy and then a magic card from Finn and those are just like tucked away in the little sentimental pockets folder of my Walllet I was just curious if you guys have anything

0:25:00 Eli: I have a Skittles wrapper that Noah put a sticker on that says now with extra poison and said to me when that thing I wrote went viral. I have that in my wallet.

0:25:12 Eli: I Have my dad's college ID in my Wallet and I have my grandma I'm sure I've told you guys this story before I have her Sears badge.

0:25:07 Tom: Similar oh that's

0:25:22 Thomas: All right. Sears badge.

0:25:22 Eli: Yes so the only job my grandma betty ever had except for that time she embattles all that money uh is she worked at sears and this oh god this is such a perfect story so she worked at seers and she was there when they unionized when the clerks at sewers unionized and she was like I was first in line this was family lore I was first inline I signed up I got my picture in the paper because I was the first one to to sign up for the union. And I was like, fuck yeah, Betty union strong. And she's got her little union pin Sears badge. It says Betty on it. Fucking love it. Right. And so that's what I took when they said, Hey, what do you want from, from grandma Betty stuff? I took the Sears batch and I carried in my backpack all the time, carry it with me. And then a couple of years ago, this is before she died a couple years ago. I was Like, Oh, you know what? She got her picture in the paper. I should find the paper and find the picture like what an amazing gift that would be and of course I'm picturing myself in a library to some Simon and Garfunkel music looking through old right there's a

0:25:15 Tom: Cool her Sears

0:26:26 Eli: Projector machine that only you look into and that's how I see the covers of the newspapers and I fucking found it I found it I don't know if you know this about the internet it's actually really easy to find shit that was in the newspaper paper and so I find it there on the front page is the girl signing up to be the first it's not my fucking grandmother it is absolutely absolutely not look

0:26:26 Tom: Badge fuck yeah I fucking love it she's like ah they'll never figure out it wasn't me

0:26:56 Thomas: That's funny.

0:26:56 Eli: This woman was born in 1920 go fuck yourself yeah

0:26:59 Tom: I hope she didn't even join the union I hope like the whole thing was bullshit that's

0:27:02 Eli: I saw a picture I saw the person of color who's getting their hand shook on the front of it and I was like that's not my grandma unless she really gave up tanning so yeah fuck Fuck yeah. She's born in the 1920s. And then someday all the information in the universe will be available. Someone will just write the bullshit you said onto a single line. And then your lie will be exposed after they click images.

0:27:33 Eli: Good for her. Good for Betty. All right, gentlemen. So that's Father's Day. Anything else on Father's day? Or should we tackle one of these listener questions?

0:27:33 Tom: Great oh my god I think that's father's day let's do a listener question my friend

0:27:44 Eli: All right. We got one today that I want to run past you guys. And it actually, I think it interweaves well with another topic we were going to discuss. So maybe we can do a little bit of both. But this is a listener email just came in hot, fresh off the presses. How goes it, Dan? Hope all is well and chill. But in the eternity between me writing this and you reading it, I'm sure a whole bunch of shenanigans have ensued. Nice try, listener. Turns out we're reading this the day you sent it.

0:28:12 Tom: Just to spite you though

0:28:13 Eli: Shroom, shroom. Oh, hey, before we get to it, speaking of which, Tom, if I want advice from the dads, whatever should I do?

0:28:15 Thomas: Tell

0:28:21 Tom: Oh you can email us at the dads at dear old dads .com and ask us for advice and we'll entirely read this on air we will not maybe read it on air We will not respond to you privately. We will make your private business, public business, our business. We'll actually monetize it and turn it into a business.

0:28:39 Eli: Into a business. Indeed, we will. All right.

0:28:41 Thomas: Us about your thing that's definitely not polyamory, but is actually just cheating.

0:28:45 Eli: Send us your send us just and that's just cheating at the old dad's talk. That's justcheating .com. Yeah, that's our new podcast. My extended family has some shit going on and I'd be pretty interested in your thoughts. Eli, feel free to give the players names because I will only be referring to them as their relation to me. Thank you, listener. I will. It's somewhat recently come to light that my nephew, 18, name Jim, has been doing a scary amount of drinking. Like drinking hard liquor alone to the point of blacking out and driving while

0:28:48 Thomas: Yeah dear old that's not polyamory that's just cheating .com

0:29:19 Eli: Drunk. My sister -in -law, Pam, and her husband, Michael, were doing what I would consider the bare minimum to help my nephew out. Out. That's Jim. When they revealed this whole situation to me and my husband, Dwight and Angela, they hadn't even bothered putting alcohol in a cabinet. It was literally just on the counter. Well, my nephew is currently in a mandated treatment program after the police had him involuntary committed for his public self-harm and suicidal behavior. Jim. Well, here's where I'm curious about your thoughts the kid is clearly going through it really feel like his parents have checked out and there are two younger kids in the house watching all this craziness what will you guys be doing in this situation given my brief overview oh the office I was those are all the characters from the office well

0:30:08 Tom: I have a question first. I don't know. What the fuck? No, yeah, right. They said, like, the parents are doing the bare minimum. Minimum what in their minds is the bare minimum if if like putting the liquor behind a lock isn't included in the bear like literally what is the bear minimum yeah like I'm not mixing his drinks for him like what the fuck is the beer minimum if that isn't even on the table jesus christ right

0:30:25 Eli: It's not in his hand he's got to reach over and then you know you're in the kitchen hey more coke in that rum and coke okay you got high school tomorrow tomorrow you got your junior year you got to be all ready for your sat son

0:30:41 Thomas: That's that's all what the bare minimum means that's just zero or negative negative numbers oh maybe they mean like the asymptotic minimum like it is the low as you can get like it's the like in a calculus calculus sense. You calculated the... No, I think they have. I think they are doing that.

0:30:44 Tom: That yeah what literally what are they doing like what intervention if they're just He's like, right. Right.

0:30:53 Eli: Right they're not doing yes yeah they haven't reached negative numbers they're nicht giving him the alcohol

0:31:03 Tom: Right, right, Jesus Christ. Like, what would I do if this was my niece or nephew? I think here's the thing that gives you some power and control, in my opinion. This kid's 18, which means he's not a kid. He's legally an adult. So if you decide you want to step in. What I mean, though, is like there's no custody at this point. Right?

0:31:04 Eli: Yeah that fucking sucks um yes you can fuck

0:31:20 Thomas: I was going to make that joke, but I didn't.

0:31:29 Thomas: Fuck the alcoholism right out of the kid.

0:31:33 Tom: So I'll give you something to drink about so like there's there's no such thing as custody so if you want to step in and this young person agrees to allow you to help them you can circumvent the parents entirely there's such thing is custody at 18 so that's an option yeah I think they would let it go yeah right Right. Right. So, I mean, I think if it was a niece or a nephew of mine and I thought I had a good relationship with them and I was willing to and I would be willing, given these circumstances, I was willing to burn the bridges with my brother or sister or whatever, I would step in and be like, all right, you can live here and here's how life is if you live here. I will help you get sober. Here are the things we'll do. We would talk and have a real talk about it. But the only saving grace here is this kid's old enough that the parents really can't say no to this. There's no no that actually matters here.

0:31:45 Thomas: Can I say, I don't think you'd get much fight out of these parents.

0:31:52 Eli: Him yeah I don't think they'd be like we're handling it susan jesus yeah I mean I I think that would depend also on what's going on in your household like if you if it was me and alone with a spouse I thinkthat was an offer I would make obviously if my kids were still at home because you know and I've said this on the show before that's a person in a sad movie and when you enter the picture you're in a bad movie too right and so you got to be away right if it's if it is you and your spouse and you're the

0:32:40 Tom: Very true. Yeah.

0:32:47 Thomas: I Hmm. Yeah. The sequel. A sad movie, too. It didn't do as well as a sad movie one.

0:32:58 Eli: Aunt who's cool and can fuck the alcohol out of him then yeah by all means make your home available make your life available so that you can help him with his his problems, but also be aware that like the first things addicts do is hurt everybody around them. There is often, if you haven't had an addict in your life before, there is a cycle with having an addict In your life where you go, Oh my gosh, this addicts addiction is so bad that they're accidentally hurting us. Like they're, they're in such need of whatever it is that they have They have accidentally put us behind the thing. And it's the other way around. Anything, alcoholism, drugs, whatever it is, it's a cycle of self -destruction, right? It's a slow motion suicide attempt. And so what they are attempting to do is drive the people in their lives away. And so the first thing they do, it is why addicts do things that will get them caught regularly. It's why they drive drunk and do crazy stuff and binge and black out and all that kind of stuff. There are ways to maintain an addiction confidentially for years, and some people do it. But when addicts get to this level where they're blacking out by drinking on their own, these are cries for help. And those cries eventually turn into destroying the people around you. You. Right now, how purposeful that is, you know, leave that up to the psychiatrists and psychologists and philosophers who specialize in that kind of thing. And I also don't think it's universal. I think some people are crying out for help. I Think some people are pushing people away. I, I think to say every addict does X is overly reductive, right? But what I know is if you have a person who is an addict in your life, they are going to bring you down to their level. You got to be strong enough. You and the patience and the time to resist that if you want to support them well

0:34:56 Tom: Yeah, I think that's all very, very true.

0:35:04 Ad: [Ad break 3 — ad music]

0:35:06 Tom: The idea that you're going to be able to, as an uncle or an aunt or an extended family member, be able to meaningfully intervene probably depends very heavily on where this person is in their sort of desire to be helped already. If this person doesn't already have an internal desire to be helped, you may or may not have enough influence to be be able to like sort of force the moment to its crisis enough to create that sort of fulcrum you know what I mean like I'm not sure that you would have the leverage as an extended family member you might I don't have that kind of leverage with my extended family but I know some families are much closer so I think a lot of it too would depend on on the relationship you have with this young person and whether or not like you are influential enough to be able to make a difference here because I think like you said Eli this is somebody who's behavior is sort of you know emblematic of a lot of probably larger issues as well and are you going to be able to right yeah

0:36:07 Eli: They're already self-harming and suicide all that stuff like they're in a cycle of self -destruction and it probably needs professional intervention before you can even get to the point where you can help right

0:36:19 Tom: Well I guess I'm saying like if I was the uncle in this situation I would offer to provide that if I could because the parents clearly aren't doing shit. This kid's in a state mandated program it wasn't even a program that the parents put him in so like the parents are just checked out they're not going to do anything so once the state mandated program is over, I would probably offer to the best of my ability and resources to continue to offer help, guidance, counseling, resources, rehab, whatever the professionals said we needed here. But a lot of it depends, like I said, how influential are you as an extended family member? In some cases, you might be very influential. In other cases, you might be sort of just kind of a tangential quasi third party you know it depends on your family structure a lot

0:37:07 Thomas: Yeah, you know, I think about this a lot with my Catholically indoctrinated nieces and nephews. Not exactly the addiction thing, but sometimes I think like, OK, odds are one of them might be gay. You know, just numbers wise, they got, there's a lot of kids. What are they going to do when that happens? You know, like, what are they gonna, how's that going to go? If you have really conservative family, raising kids, really like conservative culty, how active are you in being like, Hey, if you ever, you know figure this out, if You ever figure out the, the, the little game here, come hanging out with the Smiths over here, you Know, like Like,

0:37:46 Eli: Yeah yeah I think I think being that source and actually thomas that's a perfect segue because I was going to say I think the thing you can do very safely right now is be a safe place for those two younger siblings because those two younger siblings are in a sad movie but they could just come hang out at cool uncle dwight's a bunch whenever bro is running around throwing bottles at the wall and reenacting sad plays right they can come over and do homework at your house and so something that's very easy to do is just create us I don't know how close to you they are physically or emotionally but like creating those safe places and those safe spaces, right? Because queer kids, to answer both questions simultaneously, kids do reach out for help. Kids who need help reach out. It is very rare for kids to completely lock in and not tell someone, especially someone who has proven themselves to be trustworthy, when they need help and support. And so just creating those environments is usually enough for them to be able to reach out, have you talked to your family, go on a little bit of a tangent here. Have you talked to your family to be like, hey, the Pope and the fucking archdiocese, oh my gosh, love him so much. You'll be cool if your kids are gay, right?

0:37:58 Thomas: I yeah,

0:39:01 Tom: Yeah

0:39:01 Eli: Have you ever had that conversation? Because if there was anyone in my family I suspected would do that, I would do a thing to let them know that I would affect their life forever if I realized they were unkind to their children.

0:39:16 Thomas: I think I think that I mean, I don't talk to them very much anymore, but I do know that there is a gay relative in their life. They're part of the extended family is my understanding. And it's like seems OK. And hopefully it's a different time now. But I also could see it being the thing where they didn't really accept that it was true for a while. You know what I mean?

0:39:39 Eli: Yeah.

0:39:39 Thomas: Like, I could see them being like, oh, well, that's this person and you're not that. Yeah.

0:39:42 Eli: And people react differently when it's their own kid right I know lots of people who were quote unquote groovy religious right up until the second their kid was gay or they were totally cool with gay people and then trans they were like I'm not so sure about this shit like you never know until you fucking check in also like I don't know if you know this but Catholic husbands especially the second they have an affair they get so goddamn homophobic there's no bigger cause of homophobia in this country than getting caught having an affair as a Catholic or Christian man every man in my life who we've been like oh get the fuck out I'll set your car on fire he has just finished whatever stupid christian therapy she made him go to because he fucked denise from TGI Friday's like a hundred percent of the

0:40:06 Tom: I want to return to the original question real quick because I am curious would you confront the parents in this situation because I feel like I would definitely go to the parents. The other thing I was thinking I would if this was my brother my sister that was like I would be like what the fuck would you guys need something what's happening that you don't see what's going on here do you need resources can I help you can I take some of this burden off of you some way why are you so fucking

0:40:47 Eli: Time right

0:40:56 Thomas: Why are you like this?

0:40:56 Tom: Nonchalant about the self-destruction of your own child there's definitely a moment where you step in and talk to the other adults too and say hey this is happening and it's for real and you're gonna lose your fucking kid and I'm going to lose my fucking niece or nephew or whatever. And that's an unacceptable way for us to continue. So what are we doing about that together? And I think that's a conversation you absolutely have to have with these people. I wonder if you guys agree or disagree or would do something different. But I would blow my fucking brother's shit up if this was happening in my family dynamic.

0:41:30 Eli: Oh a hundred percent yeah I mean it depends again on the closeness but I can't imagine thinking that my sister was ignoring the self-destruction of one of her children without seriously laying down the law and being like, hey.

0:41:48 Thomas: Yeah, I just think it all depends on that relationship. My other reaction is like, boy, everybody just has a whole lot more time than I have.

0:41:57 Tom: I don't have time for my dying nephew.

0:41:58 Thomas: Yeah. Oh, that's great. Okay. Yeah. Nephew's drinking too much. Yeah. No, that sucks. Anyway, I got to go edit.

0:42:08 Clip: Dear Old Dads

0:42:16 Eli: Gentlemen, before we go, I was talking to the butcher the other day and I said it's a nice ham you got there. It would be a shame if you put an S in front of it and an E at the end.

0:42:29 Thomas: Stupid. Just sounds like a lot.

0:43:18 Eli: Okay. And we're back, everybody. We found it: You'd get the courage to end it all if you had to order a bagel here in Jersey

0:43:26 Tom: Snakes, snakes, snakes.