DOD283: When No One At the Pool Party Knows How to Swim

Transcript

This transcript was generated automatically and may contain errors — the audio is the record.

0:00:02 Clip: I'm the cool dad, that's my thIng I know now what I can offer you that no one else can Complete and under-dependent I'm a man, I'm sensitive I need to feel loved, I need part of being a father that I enjoy

0:00:28 Tom: Welcome to Dear Old Dads, the podcast that just drops them off and leaves. I'm Tom Curry. I'm joined, as always, by Thomas Smith and Eli Bosnick. Hello, gentlemen.

0:00:38 Eli: Hello!

0:00:39 Thomas: Hello. Hey, can't wait to get to that. But I had a great old guy thought this morning, which was, so I've been having a really bad problem. I always do. Really bad problem with my back. Left side of my back is my QL. Yeah, it is. No, but here it is, left side of my back been killing me, right? I wake up this morning. The right side of my back's killing me. And my genuine thought was like,

0:00:45 Eli: I was going to make the joke, my back hurts, is an old guy thought. Yeah.

0:01:02 Tom: It's nice that it's evened out.

0:01:02 Thomas: Oh, that's so nice. My genuine thought out was like, well, that, you know, that's tremendous. That's wow. Wow. Like, thank you back. You didn't have to. That'S so nice. Like I was actually positive about it. It was like this. Ow. Ow. I was like trying it out. Like yeah. Ow on that side. Cool. It's not the side. Yeah. All right. Nice.

0:01:23 Tom: It's nice to get a little variety in the aches and pains. After a while, it's just like, ah, come on. Let's do something different, you piece of shit body.

0:01:29 Thomas: It's been months of just the same thing.

0:01:35 Tom: Is there ever a day where you don't have some amount of... yeah I didn't have to finish yeah yeah I don't know. If it's because of my activity level or what else but like I'm just something always is like something always hurts like when you go to like yeah one to ten you're like something is always at least a three like there's always a three in the background oh

0:01:49 Thomas: Yeah. For me, it'S the it'S the scoliosis that I, so I was told as a kid that the scoliosis wouldn't, uh, doing well. I was always a kid, that the Scoliosis wouldn't cause me pain. And I've been saying that every time I've had back pain, someone's like, Oh, Scoliosis. I'm like, no, I don't think that's it. Cause the doctor said, and then I realized it's been now 30 years of saying that. And I think that just was when I was a kid.

0:01:56 Tom: Yeah yeah oh how's phoebe's scoliosis brace too you got to give us an update on that yeah

0:02:17 Thomas: Cause like it's, what's actually happened is it puts stress at a certain point in my back and it's never ending pain on that part. And now I probably could maybe not have it if I did everything else perfectly. But yeah, so I think it's that. Phoebe's back is doing well. She's about to get her third brace because she's grown so much, but she's doing really well with that.

0:02:21 Tom: Of course it does wow yeah anybody who thinks that scolosis is not a a recipe for back pain is fucking insane. Like, literally, of course it is. Your spine is curved in a way that it is not supposed to be curved, so it's going to have stress at different parts of the joints. I mean, like, if you just Google, does scoliosis cause back pain, the answer is yes, and it's definitively yes. Like, in adults, of coarse it does.

0:02:58 Eli: Yeah, they don't even give you the AI thing. They just go, you know, that's...

0:03:03 Thomas: We're going to give the AI day off on this one.

0:03:05 Tom: Yeah, like... Because, like of course, it does! Like, human backs are already garbage. Like, it's already, like the least efficient, dumbest way to have a system. Yeah. And like, it's like, okay, well, what if the system, which is already like balancing on a nice edge of possibility, we're fucking weird a little. And you're like, yeah, well that'll make it worse. Like that a hundred percent. Of course it will. Like, there's no possibility. Whoever told you it's so fucking funny though. It's like a guy that doesn't hurt you now. Like okay. Well I will get older.

0:03:12 Thomas: Yeah, that's why I was just going to joke.

0:03:27 Thomas: OK, when you say it all like that, Tom, I guess it makes sense okay yeah yeah

0:03:37 Tom: I just want to mention that. That's, I don't know.

0:03:38 Eli: I don't think... How bad that scoliosis is, how much older could you possibly get? And speaking of twists, you experienced a little bit of a twist this weekend, Tom. Do you want to tell us about your adventures?

0:03:42 Thomas: Yeah

0:03:52 Tom: Like Man, I'm so mad. I was so mad Saturday was Eamon's birthday. Well, it was his birthday week before, but he was with his mom. So we did his party this last Saturday. We had a little birthday party for him. And so this is all just fucking wild to me. So I'm going to start with the invitation. So he only wanted to invite three of his little friends over for his party. So I get everybody's parents' cell phone numbers and I text everybody an invitation like, Hey, I have this party. It's a swimming party. This kid this kid and this kid all invited to come let me know if there's any food allergies if people can't swim etc oh

0:04:23 Thomas: That sounded like you texted everybody but then just like you text me the whole class but you're like all right look to your left look to You're right.

0:04:27 Eli: The group thread, the following students are invited to my son's party. Craig, Alan, can I

0:04:33 Tom: Well I did I did create a group that have just these parents but yeah so I text them all like one kid's out of town so he can't make it then this this other kid his buddy ij ij's dad who I do not like at all

0:04:45 Thomas: IJ.

0:04:46 Eli: Say unacceptable neologism?

0:04:48 Thomas: Yeah, that's interesting.

0:04:50 Eli: Yeah, there's no name that reduces down to IJ.

0:04:51 Thomas: There's no I in J.

0:04:49 Tom: Oh ij yeah look okay I'm glad you said that because like

0:04:54 Eli: We don't have Iridium Jones as a fucking commonplace name that we decide there's just fucking IJs walking around.

0:05:02 Tom: Dude a hundred percent like Eamon was telling me about his friend at school cool, IJ. And I kept correcting him. I'm like, I think it's AJ.

0:05:09 Eli: AJ, you mean AJ.

0:05:09 Tom: And he's like, and he's like, no, I fucking know this kid and you don't, you know, like he's, like, arguing back because he's right. It's IJ again.

0:05:10 Thomas: RJ or, yeah, International Jeff. I don't know what is that.

0:05:19 Eli: International J - Okay, let me say this. I want to be very clear. I want be emotionally honest because I used to be a part of the skeptic community Okay, if this kid's name Christian name is International Jeff I will deliver a public apology in every medium. I am allowed I

0:05:37 Tom: All right. So the daddy texts back like, oh, sounds great. Can IJ's little brother come? And I'm, like. I don't want to say yes, because because I don't want his little brother to come.

0:05:52 Eli: Don't want IJ to come.

0:05:53 Tom: I'll have IJ over, but, like, yeah, right? Right?

0:05:58 Eli: Yeah WZ

0:05:54 Thomas: Well did you first ask okay where are this kid's fucking initials you know uh k m yeah I don't know I can't think of one as bad as ij like I was trying to do a joke I'm like ij is like the worst first initials well

0:06:02 Eli: An old -timey businessman.

0:06:06 Tom: IJ's terrible. Yeah. Oh, this is my buddy KL. Like, what? It's fucking.

0:06:10 Eli: It's like a guy who owns an old circus with slaves and J.W. Sabib, I.J. Pennyworth. Come on down to I.G. Pennyworth's factory. We put your kids' hands in the machines. Play the Victrola.

0:06:24 Tom: I'm like, who the fuck just invites this other kid? Like, I didn't invite that kid. Like, now I kind of feel, I think that's fucking, I think it's insanely rude.

0:06:30 Thomas: Now who you is without throwing uh no what it was without sin cast the first sibling along with the other one because

0:06:41 Tom: I will say, like I think that's just incredibly rude to just be like, Like, oh, like, this one kid's invited. Let me auto -invite his four -year -younger kid to this same party. Like, I didn't invite that other kid. Like, Eamon doesn't know that fucking kid.

0:06:52 Thomas: Oh actually yeah age -wise yeah never mind age I completely changed what I'm saying because age - wise that doesn't work at all we do it it sometimes with remy with phoebe because remy I actually pin in this for a later time but remy fucking loves phoebes friends it's the cutest thing is the weirdest cutest thing ever so sometimes we send them go ahead

0:07:09 Tom: Well, let me add some context. I don't know this dad, right? Like ,I want to be super clear. I've met this dad a total of 30 minutes if you add up all the time that I've seen him for two minutes here or six minutes there, right. Like, I saw him at a handful of, like school events. You know, I'm like, oh you're IJ's dad. Oh yeah, I am IJs dad. He's fucking weird I think the guy's a fucking weirdo like hayley's like that's a dude I'd cover my drink if I saw him out at a bar like he's a freaking weirdo I don't like

0:07:12 Thomas: Yeah yeah yeah for sure yeah

0:07:36 Eli: Sounds weird to me. I don't like it.

0:07:36 Tom: Him. I like his mom yeah ij

0:07:39 Eli: Can I say, he didn't stand his ground on the IK thing. And look, I'm not going to name names because some of us have stepkids that have truly baffling spellings of their names. Not naming names. I'm just saying. But you got to stand your ground on I .D.

0:07:53 Tom: Is literally terrible like I think he's a super sweet kid terrible name all right so

0:07:56 Thomas: Well Hold on, the only thing worse than that. I think we should take a break at while we're in suspense because we if we go too long we've got hours of birthday to get to. I can't wait. The only worse than those

0:07:59 Eli: Is how Aislinn spells her name not cool, man. I kind of danced around it.

0:08:09 Eli: The only thing worse than those initials is the auto ads. Auto ads, they're interrupting your podcast experience. There you are listening to our japes and chicanery wondering what I meant by I used to be a part of the skeptic community. I just say shit sometimes. It makes me happy. And then it gets interrupted by a Verizon ad. Hey, fun fact. I never do fun facts here in this little coda. So we've been trying to figure out video. I'm going to get back to the pitch thomas don't judge me silently I realized why auto ads are too loud it's because they're adjusted for youtube instead of itunes So what's happening is they're obviously being told like hey you gotta or actually it's the other way around they're being adjusted for spotify instead of for

0:08:22 Tom: Okay why Is that oh really

0:08:44 Thomas: Initials oh

0:08:53 Eli: Itunes which is like two clicks louder so the reason why they come blaring in at you at eight bajillion volume is because it's very clear someone in the fucking fan duel office was like Like this is the Spotify standard. And they just click export right at the super loud volume.

0:09:08 Thomas: Yeah well that and I could fill a little bit of that in because music wise there is a loudness battle like that is something because in any sound if something's louder you actually do perceive it as better quality like to a point obviously now this gets exaggerated but like in streaming music because it's all fucking robot bullshit it's like the way to try to get more streams, they think it's got to be the maximum loudest or your song will sound weak next to the other song. And then I imagine the ads is probably the same thing where they're like, well, we can't come in weaker than that.

0:09:37 Tom: It's like increasingly like it's just like an arms race of just volume until eventually all of us are just screaming and deaf and clutching our bleeding ears yeah

0:09:39 Thomas: Yeah. It's an arms race. Yeah,

0:09:45 Eli: It's the fire engine thing. You guys know the fire engine thing. I'll get back to the pitch, but you know, the fire engine thing in New York.

0:09:48 Thomas: Man. We're so deep.

0:09:50 Eli: So the fire engines in Newark were too loud. And so you couldn't hear other horns. And so they were like, Hey, uh, the,

0:09:50 Tom: No what I feel like that's the one I need to hear the mostest though what

0:09:59 Thomas: Yeah I was gonna say Oh,

0:09:59 Eli: The fire engines are too loud and they're like, we want to make our horns louder. So they started making the other state vehicles within New York state. They could have louder horns. And then the fire angels were like hey, hey, now people can't hear our fire engines, so they raise their volume and everything's bad and worse. It's a fun fact, but podcast listener, you don't have to experience any of that. You're not a fire engine in New York City, or if you are, how do you wear headphones? I have so many questions. You can make it all go away over at patreon.com/dear old dads, where, for as little as a buck a show, you get a commercial -free version of every single episode, plus a little bonus parenting story at the end. Bonus episode every single month on the dot now that dot is a month but you always fucking get one don't you bitch hey hey patrons I'm so sorry I called you a bitch just now I

0:10:52 Tom: Eli's

0:10:58 Thomas: You guys had a morning. It's just, yeah,

0:10:58 Eli: Don't know what's going on it's a rough it's I had a pretty tough morning I feel as though my brain is slowly leaking out of my ears and that made me call you bitch but now it's the time for me to listen and for you to talk so I'd like to call for a moment of silence for october

0:11:01 Tom: Eli's having his moment today jesus christ what is happening

0:11:15 Eli: 7th you talked first you hate jews all right patreon.com/dear old dads rip into

0:11:29 Ad: [Ad break 1 — ad music]

0:11:31 Eli: It imagine

0:11:30 Tom: All right so wow that was a lot I don't know how do you wait wow

0:11:32 Thomas: That was a journey.

0:11:36 Eli: It's someone's first episode because it wasn't the trash that I make our show for the first four and a half minutes, right? So some guy got on the treadmill and was like,

0:11:44 Thomas: Back pain, that's so relatable. Unbeatable.

0:11:47 Eli: Parenting podcast. I get it, back pain. My back hurts sometimes. Kids at the pool, I get it. And I called him a bitch.

0:11:56 Tom: Okay I'm gonna circle back I don't know this guy and that's important to this story I don't fucking know this. I've met IJ a couple of times at school things I've met this guy a couple of times at school things. I don't really like him at all. I think he's a fucking weirdo. Then I invite this IJ kid over and the dad just like clearly is using me as a babysitting service for the day. That's what he's doing, right? Oh, let me let me auto invite this other kid over who's literally four or five years younger than every other attendee at the party. It feels awkward to be like, no, no. Not him.

0:12:31 Tom: You know about the other kid. But I'll tell you what. But after this, fucking that kid is not coming back to my house ever again Like he's just not invited Like I, no So then party time arrives, right So like I'm like rushing around all morning Like getting everything ready, it's a pool party And I know IJ can't swim I know this kid, Asher Can't swim, that's okay Eamon can't swim either, right So like, not a big deal They're just gonna like bob around round in the shallow end of the pool and like throw a ball and like horse around and just you know have a good time and I'll be right there to keep an eye on everybody but like Eamon has been we've had the pool is our second season with a pool and Like Eamone can't swim and we're working on that Amy can't swim Aislinn's not a great swimmer either but like I don't really worry about them right they get in the water and they try not to die that's all I ask just please do do the smallest amount of effort to try not to die, like, don't actively push yourself toward the fucking scythe and the guy with the fucking hood, like that, please don't, just don't do that at all, right, and like, I get all the kids outside, and I'm like, hey, everybody, like you know, just a couple of quick ground rules, and it's only four kids, like this is going to be an easy, chill fucking party, I'm going to order Portillo's, super chill, no, there's four fucking kids right like it's just it's amen and three and I

0:12:31 Eli: Only

0:12:34 Thomas: You got to do it. You got to do it, oh, oh okay, I can't see where this is going at all, oh well what are you complaining about? I was envisioning this whole time it was gonna be like 30 kids, Oh no, Tom, you got to look at a fifth kid.

0:13:58 Tom: You know it's so like it's just it's Eamon and like two of his friends and then this fucking seven-year-old right that nobody wants to hang out with but fine he's here anyway yeah well I'm fucking gonna say no next time I'll tell you that much definitely gonna say you know next time all right so then like we get everything set up and I'm like hey you know here's the deal I know you guys can't swim so stay in the shallow end here's where the shallow end is so I show them where it is not deep right you know here I'm like don't go over where you're the water's at your chin all right and then no wrestling in the pool and I was like try not to die because you'll damage my filter so like I don't want

0:14:06 Thomas: Yeah, that's rough. That should have been a no. I'll be honest, Tom. You should have said no. Like, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

0:14:38 Tom: Any bodies floating into the filter it'll

0:14:39 Eli: If they get over to the filter. If they die outside of the filter, it's just a lie to the children.

0:14:44 Tom: Pull them in eventually it'll it'll suck the bodies over there and then that's it pulls it over there. And like I tell the kids stuff like this all the time like my kids I'm always telling them like stuff and they they always kind of laugh and these two kids just sort of like stare at me blankly when I make that joke my guy don't die you'll damage the filter and there's like whoa and I'm like all right maybe cool it with the death jokes Tom I don't think they're

0:14:46 Eli: That's true. That is the point of a filter, isn't it? I stand corrected, Tom.

0:15:06 Thomas: Tom has flashbacks of Scotland. He's like, no, no. Not this again.

0:15:09 Eli: Not again.

0:15:09 Tom: Working yeah Right, it's a fucking that's bombed you know it's bomb that's all right the other kid the other two kids liked it that's fine that's fun

0:15:13 Eli: Heath is also at the bar. How?

0:15:16 Tom: I'm sitting like in a chair. I'm not in the water yet and just watching the kids like screw around AND PLAY AND I'm like okay this is is going to be very chill only four kids fucking 15 minutes these goddamn kids are in the pool and IJ. I look over and he is actively drowning he is actively drowning he's in over his head. I know he's over his fucking head his little brother his seven -year -old little brother is clinging to the side of the pool he had also worked his way like further toward the

0:15:37 Thomas: Ah, international Jeff. Come on.

0:15:42 Eli: J 'ai fri international pourquoi j 'a fri mais non j 'as

0:15:57 Tom: Deep end than he should have right IJ is fucking fully submerged with his stupid hands flailing around grabbing at his brother who starts screaming because now his bigger brother is trying to pull him in the water I run. I jump in the pool. I swim over. I grab this kid and I gotta describe this kid. IJ he's in fifth grade going into sixth and he is maybe four and a half feet tall he's very short for his size he is also the thinnest person that has ever existed in the

0:15:58 Eli: Fri towards death

0:16:30 Tom: Entire world right so this kid weighs 60 pounds. I don't think he weighs 70 pounds like he weighs nothing and now I'm scared because now he's drowning and I Jump in the pool. I grab this kid with one arm and I hork him up in the air like all the way up. And now he's just dangling. He did not. Thank God. Thank God.

0:16:47 Thomas: Oh, he broke in half, didn't he? Tom, did you break the kid in half?

0:16:49 Eli: Yeah, you have to tell us if you broke the kid in half it's like being a

0:16:52 Tom: He is just looking down. He has just like looking down at me as he's dangling from my arm. And I'm like walking toward the shallow and I plunk him down. I grabbed the other kid. I move him over. I'm like, Hey, what is happening right now? Because now I'm pissed.

0:17:04 Thomas: Tom holding two halves of kids. It came like this. I swear to God, it came like this out of the box.

0:17:09 Eli: Cop hey he was like this in the car right you

0:17:12 Tom: I think you dropped him off like this in a couple of pieces but like I don't know about you but like when I get scared like my first reaction is just to be pissed like I don't really have another way to deal with that so I'm pissed but I'm like okay it's not their fault like I can't like don't yell at him and I'm like but like he's just like almost and he's just staring at me IJ is just staring like he doesn't understand that he literally was just drowning a moment ago I'm like stay in the shallow end what are you doing you you can't swim, my dude. You cannot swim. You cannot go over there, over there. You cannot go. And I look at his little brother and I'm like, you were in the same place, man. Don't go over there. You can't swim. You guys know you can swim, right? And they're just staring at me. I'm like, cause you can't swim. I just saw you not swimming. Don't drown. Please don't drown. I'm like, fucking shit. They're just staring at me. They'rere just staring at me, literally they said nothing. It was like I was the crazy person. Yeah. Dude I with these all day all day with these two it's like I am speaking to a fucking wall it's like I literally rescued this kid from drowning and he's looking at me like I'm the crazy person for telling him to stay in the shallow end because he was just sinking a moment ago

0:17:24 Thomas: Yeah, that's, yeah. Well, it is their fault. I don't know. Yeah yeah.

0:18:05 Thomas: Jesus. What do they do? How do they react? They don't even say say anything is it a language barrier with international I'm

0:18:32 Eli: Checked, yeah

0:18:32 Tom: So okay fine all right calm yourself down be calm all right

0:18:36 Thomas: Surprised you let him back in the pool. Now normally, Tom, your temper is an issue I'm not being critical but it's an issue here I don't even know if you were mad enough I would have been like I mean you should say chill but I would've been like okay no more pool for you fucking idiots this is not come here to fucking die at

0:18:49 Eli: Yeah, we're learning to play chess to chess today you and me. Don't put the pieces in your mouth.

0:18:53 Thomas: Tom's house. Yeah

0:18:54 Tom: Oh, and you fucking ate the pieces god damn it I'm just like okay maybe it's just been 15 minutes maybe they just misunderstood

0:18:56 Thomas: Oh, you're choking fuck everybody gets one like

0:19:06 Tom: Yeah, I'm kind of yeah a little bit right it's like okay like maybe they're just like underestimated how the pool the pool doesn't get that deep that fast either I don't really know how this I think you know the thing where like you're bobbing along on like your tiptoes in a pool and you're kind of hopping what I kind of think is he started hopping a little bit and he started hopping backward toward the deep end and kind of just got in over his head. So, okay.

0:19:18 Eli: I don't know how pools work.

0:19:32 Thomas: Literally yeah Yeah.

0:19:32 Tom: Like clearly does not know how to swim and has never been in a pool and has no self-preservation instinct. So okay. So my brain, I'm like, I got to keep an eye on this kid.

0:19:41 Thomas: Oh, stupid question. You don't have any like floaties or anything. You can't like, Hey, I'm duct taping this floaty to your face. Oh.

0:19:47 Tom: Well, we'll get there in a second. So yeah, no, that's okay.

0:19:48 Thomas: Okay. Sorry. I wasn't trying. Yeah.

0:19:49 Tom: And like, so I'm okay. Everybody's cool. And Eamon and his other buddy, by the way, take no note of any of this.

0:19:50 Eli: Spoilers.

0:19:56 Thomas: That's fair.

0:19:56 Tom: It's like, it didn't happen. It was like, their friend who literally almost drowned mere moments ago, who I just held three feet in the air aloft and plunked down in the water. They're just like happily shooting squirt guns at each other. I don't even know if they know that that happened. I'm not even kidding.

0:20:11 Thomas: Hmm. Okay, another annoying question. I'm sorry for being annoying.

0:20:15 Tom: No, no, it's all right.

0:20:15 Thomas: Did you do a big dad speech to everybody? Because I would have done a dad speech to anybody. Okay? And I'm not victim blaming. I mean, I mean I'm just, yeah, with

0:20:17 Tom: No I did not. No. No I just did the thing where I was like yeah no I just did the I just was like you can't go over there like what like you cannot you're not allowed you You know, they are staring at me like I'm a crazy person. Then I go back over and I'm like, OK, well, clearly I can't get out of the pool.

0:20:23 Thomas: Them. Okay okay. Yeah, fair.

0:20:34 Tom: I'm in the deep end. There's a kind of like a little bench seat. I'm sitting in the Deep End watching them in the shallow end as they play. This fucking Asher kid, this seven-year-old kid, Asher, he again cannot swim, spends all of his time underwater like he just constantly is going underwater constantly. And then he comes up gasping all the time. It's like he's like trying to die it's the weirdest fucking thing he is constantly playing underwater and holding himself under just to the very limits of his breath so I am like so fucking on edge watching this fucking kid and then that kid starts fucking drowning like I'm not even kidding that fucking kid starts like working his way too close and I'm like hey dude hey dude hey dude and then whoop now he's fucking underwater and his stupid hands are in the dumb air and his head isn't there and he can't fucking so I'm swimming over and I grab that kid and I pull him over and I'm like my guy what is even happening right now what is happening with you guys why are you trying to die what why are you dying to die

0:21:15 Thomas: Which

0:21:43 Eli: A great question.

0:21:44 Tom: So what I do I go grab floating things and I'm like you guys aren't allowed not to use floating devices like you can't do it and you're still not allowed to go toward the deep end of the pool. It's like, you have to have these fucking floating things and you're not allowed. And they are looking at me guys. Like I'm the crazy person. I literally rescued them like fucking Baywatch a hundred percent, a hundred % like I would, I'm down with being labeled that way, Thomas it's accurate, right?

0:22:04 Thomas: Normally would be absolutely correct like any other time. Yeah that's

0:22:13 Tom: It is accurate. I fucking, I am like fucking Baywatching these goddamn kids. And I'm like, it's been 30 minutes. I have a four-hour party already scheduled

0:22:21 Eli: I'm Baywatching these damn kids is a hell of a sentence.

0:22:23 Thomas: Yeah, yeah, they could have been distracted by how hot you were your muscles and oiled up muscles

0:22:30 Eli: Did you consider that?

0:22:24 Tom: Right, just I ran in slow motion it was pretty it was pretty tight

0:22:30 Thomas: It was weird that you wore a speedo to the kids

0:22:34 Tom: Is that weird? I think it's my pool I think it's my pool I can wear okay good Yeah, yeah, it's banana hammocks or nothing over here at the Curry

0:22:35 Eli: Children.

0:22:35 Thomas: Party a little bit yeah I mean no one's saying you're not allowed tom No one in the future trying to be as off-putting as possible so this guy doesn't send his kids over there like oh I, by the way, I might go in the nude I might it's banana and the parents still being like Yeah, that's fine that's

0:22:44 Eli: Banana hammocks and nothing. Are You a clothing pool family or a naked pool family? And he's like, whatever gets the kids out of the house, man. Don't touch if you ain't prayed or whatever I don'tt fucking, I don' t care most people shouldn't be parents and I'm just one of them

0:23:06 Thomas: A tom

0:23:03 Tom: House. Yeah, I know dude he is a thousand percent just one of them because then I'm like all right Well, I just grabbed both of these kids and I grabbed them like fast.

0:23:19 Thomas: Grab yeah. Yeah.

0:23:19 Tom: And like, I don't know, maybe they're going to have a bruise on their arm or something. Right. So like, and maybe they're going to tell a story. I don't know. They don't seem like they can fucking talk, but like, I don't know because they just, all they do, it turns out is stare at you in wide-eyed terror. Fucking assholes.

0:23:41 Ad: [Ad break 2 — ad music]

0:23:43 Tom: So I'm like, I clearly have to tell the parents. Right. And so like the parents are divorced. I have mom's number.

0:23:48 Thomas: No way. So surprising.

0:23:49 Tom: I have dad's number, I know shock. And so I text them both and I let them know, hey everything is okay but like I had to jump in and pull both of the kids out separately you know I want to let you know because I don't want to like touch or grab the kids without like letting you know that I had to touch or grabbed the kids you know but they're fine mom doesn't reply at all dad replies lol okay genuinely

0:24:11 Thomas: Jesus Christ. Didn't know that.

0:24:17 Eli: Hell

0:24:19 Thomas: Listener, Tom sent us this screenshot. This is not a joke. I genuinely was speechless when I saw that. I don't know about you, Eli, but I was like, I mean, we joke about like, oh wow, some people shouldn't be parents, but that's fucking crazy. That's, that's crazy.

0:24:32 Tom: I felt like an absolute insane person

0:24:35 Thomas: Do you call the police? Like what? Like at that point, what do you do? You're like, um, your kid almost drowned. Both of them. And your response is LOL. Okay. Uh-huh.

0:24:37 Tom: I don't know Yeah, not like thank you for pulling my kid out of the pool or oh like literally nothing right Yeah, and then I'm like who the fuck drops

0:24:52 Thomas: Sorry. That might've been stressful for you. Apology. Nope. None of that. Okay, wow.

0:25:00 Tom: Their kid off and doesn't stay at a kid's party at a pool when your kids don't Know How to Swim I invited the parents to stay I did in the invite very explicitly I'm Like you guys are very welcome to stay I cannot even imagine dropping my kids off at a pool party and here's why I can't imagine it because Aislinn several years in a row was invited to a pool party before she could swim and you know what I did I stayed at the fucking pool party because that kid can't fucking swim and that's my responsibility that she survives the event I'm not handing that off to somebody else

0:25:34 Thomas: And that's a mixed thing because it is weird. I found it weird how parents go to everything now. Like I know I'm coming from me where my parents didn't go to anything, but it is a little bit, maybe too far the other direction where it's like parents are going to everything and staying the whole time. I get it. And I feel it too. But in this case, it's like, well, yeah, that is one of the times I would go if it's like, hey, I've pawned off my kid who's younger, who can't swim. Well, right away, if you're doing that, you know, they just want to fucking vacation.

0:26:07 Thomas: But like if it was me, a kid who can'T swim at a pool party. I'm going. I'll just hang out.

0:26:11 Tom: Yeah like there are some Some people I would absolutely trust to watch my kid if they couldn't swim. I took Finnegan and Eamon with me on a vacation to Southern California to visit a very, very good friend of mine. A friend of the show, Matt, as a matter of fact. And Matt and Lindsay, his wife and I, we went bungee jumping. But the three of

0:26:26 Eli: Friend of the show I don't fucking know Matt you just make him a friend of this show you're allowed to have friends, don't fuckin' be like call me Matt, apparently we're fuckin' friends come watch my kid, in a pool we're doing a fire walk Matt come watch ma fuckin' kid Tom informs me you're a friend and

0:26:35 Tom: Us went bungeon jumping. We're all friends. You'd love him you guys get along great

0:26:49 Eli: Let me fucking you think most people don't like me because of how terrible I

0:26:55 Tom: Uh you'd be fine so I have as a matter of fact so yeah but like I I left finnigan and amen with matt's parents I know matt I know Matt's parents I didn't have one worry about it at all in fact I came back from that like hike and that bungee jump thing and they had taught finn to swim that's like how much I there are some people I I would trust, but it's a small number, man.

0:26:55 Thomas: He's a listener.

0:26:56 Eli: Am have you met me it's

0:27:18 Tom: It's not some dad I met for six minutes at the fucking like fifth grade picnic. Cause that's all we know each other. That's it. I don't know this guy. I don'T fucking know this guys. That'S all I care about right now is how much I hate these people.

0:27:28 Thomas: So, geez. The Mom not responding is also fucking crazy. What do you make of that?

0:27:37 Tom: Thank you.

0:27:39 Thomas: A few different reasons.

0:27:38 Eli: His weekend can

0:27:40 Tom: That's what it feels like, man,

0:27:40 Thomas: Yes, but but I would also imagine the divorced parent using that as ammo, being like, oh, really? Well, their father, you know, like, I'm surprised it wasn't something like that. You know, no response is pretty much, wow.

0:27:52 Tom: Part of me was like, I kind of hope she gives him shit, right because like everything about that felt insane then he goes to pick the kids up right so Party's over, we're inside everyone's eating cake and opening presents like that we were running about 10 minutes behind so like there's still some presents to open we have to stand there and do the awkward parent thing right

0:28:13 Thomas: Well, by now, you've got that breathy thing on the kids where they're like, yeah. It's like that squeezy thing you put over them, you know, whatever that does. They're fully like, they have the whole like, boop, boob, like in recovery. Yeah.

0:28:26 Tom: Right and like and Hayley like they've got oxygen fucking up their cannulas and shit on right yeah so like and Hayley makes a joke we're all standing in the kitchen Hayley makes a joke like ah you know like it looks like asher could probably learn to swim he's trying to do things intentionally they need some swimming lessons or whatever and he just sort of like grunts and nods in the general direction of that comment and that's the only reference to hey man you almost didn't have any kids at the end of this party that's it yeah yeah that's how it feels that's how it feels but like now I feel a little weird like why didn't the mom say anything either if I got that text message I would at least say oh my gosh I'd thank you so much and then I would probably light up the

0:28:30 Thomas: And those thick blankets. Yeah. Jesus Christ. And he's like, yeah, I know. I was trying. I'm fucking trying so hard to not have any kids.

0:29:10 Tom: Other person on the other end and be like Why are you dropping a fucking kid off it doesn't know how to swim with a fucking stranger what is happening it's fucking wild right so like is there any world any I know the answer is there. Any world where you do any of those things? Any, like literally one of them?

0:29:19 Thomas: Crazy. Absolutely is. No, no. I seriously, that text, I'm seriously like, call the police. I can't imagine.

0:29:35 Eli: I try an experimental bit. Okay

0:29:38 Tom: I love the dubiousness in your voice right

0:29:40 Thomas: Most of yours are so predictable and chill.

0:29:43 Eli: Yeah, it's an experimental bit it's at Thomas's expense And I don't know if it's gonna be a home run so I need you guys to hold me in the light because when I was thinking about this, the bit that occurred to me is I would like to tell this story where Thomas is the other dad but it's from Thomas' perspective.

0:30:06 Eli: Here's how it goes. Are you guys ready?

0:30:07 Tom: Yeah.

0:30:08 Eli: Guys, this thing happened the other day and I'm actually really upset about it. Phoebe gets invited to a pool party and obviously if one of your kids is invited to an event, all your kids are invited to a pool party unless it's like, Like, oh, no, we only allow one kid into a pool party at a time. And I guess they didn't hire a lifeguard at this pool party.

0:30:32 Eli: And, like, I don't even know what to say about that, honestly. So they texted us and they were like, yeah, Phoebe drowned a little bit. And, Liddy and I, honestly, we couldn't even respond. We couldn't even respond. So I wrote something just like, LOL, OK. But, like I don't know. Am I crazy here? Am I Crazy, guys? What do we think? Who do you think? Is that good?

0:30:54 Thomas: There's elements of that that work, but fundamentally, no. Like there's elements that I'm not, I'm going to deny that all of, you know, parts of that work. I'm going to say parts of it work. Yeah.

0:31:01 Eli: The voice is carrying a lot, right? It's like when I, it's the cookie monster is 90% of the Tom impersonation.

0:31:12 Thomas: The one thing with me though, is I will always blame my kids like it's never it's pretty much like I would have been like why the fuck did you go to the deep end when you can't swim like it also would just be confusing because my kids wouldn't do that so it's like I don't know it is a I see your work I see work it's I'm not denying some resemblance but uh yeah fundamentally so I think that's a bridge too far for

0:31:18 Eli: Thank

0:31:18 Tom: Thank you.

0:31:30 Eli: You. Well, thank you for holding it in the light while I experimented.

0:31:37 Thomas: Me yeah no it's not and I'm I'm trying to be uh you know real about myself there's parts

0:31:42 Eli: An ally, an ally to me. I was thinking of doing our first live show as a one man show where I just do bits. Yes.

0:31:48 Thomas: Oh, I would come to that Yeah

0:31:50 Tom: Okay, yes, that is I will sit Can I get can I get a seat I'll buy it I'll actually buy the ticket

0:31:56 Eli: The whole bit is that you're not there,

0:31:57 Thomas: I know. Well, we'll go in disguise

0:31:57 Eli: So I'm sorry. Yeah, you guys can go in disguise, but

0:32:02 Tom: I'll send three raccoons in a trench

0:32:02 Eli: I just do the first... Yes, exactly. And then the full bit is that I just don't know what to do. I just have to do all of it.

0:32:08 Thomas: That would be really funny

0:32:08 Tom: Coat. I think that would be a fucking riot oh my god I also just need to express to you like what it feels like to save a little person from drowning your whole day now is like I literally saved that kid's life from fucking drowning and how mad that makes you. Yeah.

0:32:09 Eli: Huh? It's all working out.

0:32:18 Ad: [Ad break 3 — ad music]

0:32:33 Thomas: Yeah, but do you feel like oh I rescued baby hitler though you know you never

0:32:37 Tom: All it did was like, I was so like mad about it. Like I was, because like, I don't want to do that. I don't, that's not the party I wanted to have. Like, that is not the like fun time. That is not, this is like not a responsibility that I, you of course take that on when you have a pool, you take that out when you have a pool party. Right. I totally understand that. But like when the second one happens in the first 30 minutes, you're just like, okay, all right. You should have stuck around dad. Like you should have been here it

0:32:44 Thomas: Know yeah

0:33:05 Eli: Hey, friends, can we reset? Can we reset?! It seems like we're all doing a lot of drowning today, and I just really want us... I'd love for us to take a step back and stop drowning.

0:33:11 Tom: Just fucking riles you up like when you're just like oh fuck I gotta fucking grab that kid and said like they're justlike yeah all right that happened then I don't think that they'll even tell a story later in their life about that time they almost drowned

0:33:27 Thomas: Oh no yeah no this is this is tuesday for them

0:33:27 Eli: I don't think they'll even fucking remember. No, of course not. Yeah.

0:33:31 Tom: Yeah every part of this the sort of like nonchalance that everybody met this situation with from the kids to the parents where it's just like, yeah, you were like moments away from death. If I was just like playing on my phone, you would have died, you know? And they're just like yeah, but you weren't. So pizza? No, I don't even know that he noticed it.

0:33:52 Thomas: Now do you talk to amen about it really so that's It's interesting. Yeah.

0:33:57 Tom: I don't even know that he notic ed it. So I was like, all right.

0:34:00 Thomas: But I might've at least been like, Hey, um, international Jeff, does he have like bruises sometime? Or, you know, I would have asked like, is there anything, do you notice anything about that kid? You know, like I'm usually just wondering if my kids notice the weirdness. Cause when they're certain age, they just don't notice anything, you known that can continue for, you now for a while, but I would be, I wouldn't be asking questions to see at least like hey tell me anything you know about international jeff like what what's going on oh oh for fucking sure for fucking sur

0:34:20 Tom: I did tell Haley, I was like, Eamon is never going to their dad's house. Like,

0:34:31 Eli: No, never. Not in a million years. Yeah.

0:34:31 Tom: There is no way, no way is he going over there. Like, IJ, welcome over here. He's actually a really sweet kid. He's a very nice kid. Also, yeah, mm -hmm. Also, and this is weird. He and his brother are afraid of our cats.

0:34:38 Thomas: Yeah he probably has to be it's a coping mechanism afraid of the cats

0:34:45 Tom: I've met people afraid of dogs, and that makes sense to me. Dogs are kind of like high energy. They jump on you sometimes. They can be like kind of a lot. They can get kind of intense. They're afraid of the cats. The cats just like lay around 20 feet away from them and they're just like warily looking at the cats like I don't know I'll drown with no problem but keep me the fuck away from that cat like I don' t know it's fucking weird I

0:35:11 Thomas: Wow I don't even know what to say to that like I'm I'm actually kind of worried for these kids like the something what traumatic something is going on with these

0:35:16 Tom: Am too man and the dad asked me he's like are you on facebook we can like connect for the kids to be messenger kids and I was just like I dont want to do that I don't know no thank you

0:35:24 Thomas: Kids dear god bright side that's a time you could have gone on a tom rant just for fun like you're you're not worried about alienating anybody.

0:35:34 Tom: Yeah right well it's funny because like I do want amon to be able to connect with this kid and be friends so I'm gonna figure out a way to like make them be messenger kids friends or whatever well I'm not having them over for like Asher's not allowed back in my house like that's what I've just decided he'll just die he'll go like lick a fucking light socket or something I don't know like that kid is just trying to die I'm not SOMEBODY ELSE'S FUCKING babysitter just because I want this kid to hang out like this brother to hang

0:35:44 Eli: To drown the kid. Right. Yeah. And then you're just stuck living inside the slap. Yeah. You don't want that.

0:36:06 Eli: So let me ask you guys a question to sort of wrap this up. Which of your children's friends and you don't have to use their full name. Would you be most willing to die

0:36:17 Thomas: Oh God, that's dark.

0:36:20 Tom: Out I like finn's friends like Finn really has yeah no no I like I'm just thinking about through like fin only has a couple of like close friends they seem nice enough I don't think any of them no I was the same way like I yeah no I was the same way I had just a couple close friends I wasn't like uh so I I feel that donovan's friends all seem all right too actually I don't dislike any of their friends

0:36:25 Eli: Interesting, Donovan, if you're listening and I know you are

0:36:35 Thomas: No, let me clarify. My son's a loser, man.

0:36:47 Thomas: Wait a minute. Wait, wait, wait a minute, wait. Did I tell you guys about Arlo's crew? Did I do that bit? Oh my God. Okay. I need to do that. This'll be, this'll be good. It's not a long story, but this fits perfectly with the kid friends. So the other day Arlo just casually eventually drops that he's like, oh yeah, I think he mentioned one of his little friend's names or whatever. And it was like, Oh, this guy, it's like yeah, he's part of my crew. And I was like like, really? What? Oh, you have a crew? He's like yep. What's your crew? And he's like, well it's this person, this person and I'm the leader.

0:36:51 Tom: No I don'T THINK

0:36:53 Eli: Loser no

0:37:20 Thomas: I was really, you're the leader of the crew. I am home to a leader of a crew. First off, having a crew, like that's awesome. When when you're a kid he doesn't know any better he can just decide he has a crew and honestly he's right that's the key I could never be cool enough to be like you have a crew couldn't do

0:37:21 Eli: What so

0:37:22 Tom: SO oh arlo's the

0:37:30 Eli: Cool oh not in a million years

0:37:38 Thomas: It but that kid he's no yeah he's pulling off and I ask him for updates about the crew all the time and it's still a thing and it'S he's the leader yeah

0:37:46 Tom: Leader Thomas's crew as a child was just a bunch of cave snakes it was just all cave snakes

0:37:49 Thomas: Yeah and a couple like hand-me-down worn out like GI Joe guys or something just like their heads are off but he's leader of the crew someday and I was asking him like so what do you guys do is like oh we play all games and we hang out and I was like oh is there ever like drama uh you know conflict in the crew you know he's like well this person wanted to be in it but we said no but then we made a deal and and he's he's negotiating treaties I was asking I was like how did you become leaders like I don't just because I'm like I think he couldn't put it into words but he's Like just because I'm like the guy I just it's my crew or something you know and I Was like okay I guess he's just like a natural natural born leader, that kid, apparently.

0:38:29 Thomas: And he doesn't notice people most of the time, but he's the leader of a crew. And, he negotiated a treaty. He's like, yeah, I get to be leader for a thousand years because we had a deal. I know. We had a deal that we would play this certain game if I got to be leader for thousand years. Or, like, he let someone in. I asked him, it's been like half a year. Still going strong, this crew. It's been, you know, half a school year. It'S been a few months. Yeah. Yeah, he wouldn't want to blow that that early but the other thing that was really sweet was like one time when I asked him like oh how's your crew and he's like you always ask me that and I was like yeah I'm just wondering if anything happens you know I because I'm also by the way I'm used to phoebe who's got 17 different dramas going on every day with her little friends and he was like yeah it's just the crew it's great we and I Was like well I you never know like maybe somebody gets in a fight he's Like we don't fight our crew doesn't fight we're not and I was Like okay this is

0:38:28 Eli: Obviously going so good

0:38:37 Tom: Yeah that's a long time well I would assume so they've got 999 and a half years left on his term limit so yeah yeah

0:39:21 Thomas: One of the values of the crew I know yeah I and then then he then I was like, well, what about like, you guys don't argue about like what are we going to play? No, no, because the rules of the crew are we play all games. And I was, like, that's really sweet, actually.

0:39:21 Tom: Unless we're fighting another crew yeah

0:39:34 Thomas: So he has, like this inclusive crew and it was just the cutest thing in the world. I feel like I told this story, but if I didn't, holy shit. But his crew is still growing strong. And it's I don't think so. You know what? I need to ask. I need ask. But the thing about Arlo is like they're very, it may be an autism crew. I don' t, it could be an autism group, which is even cuter. Yeah. It's so interesting because I was so worried about Arlo and socializing because of, because of the touch of the tism, but he's turned out to be actually really like people actually like talking to him, you know? And like, I, he doesn't take notice of people very well. Like he does, he has the things that you'd be worried about being tough socially. Like, he'll just, someone will come or leave. He'll, he won't say anything, won't notice, you know, like doesn't say hi or bye, but she has these friends that he's really tight with, apparently, and I don't, I want to go observe, you know, I just want to, hey, can I watch, I don' t know how this guy, yeah, I wanna write the school and be like, I don''t understand how my kid is, like, having all these friends, like what are they, I, but I think it's just like maybe the male relationship at that age is so simple that if he's like, I know video games, another dude is like, I know, video games and then they're just best friends, it's a good point, yeah. Sorry, I d 'nt know why I classified, I already said that age, it' s, yeah pretty much, I'm gonna ask him yeah I'm gonna ask them

0:39:40 Tom: I love the crew does he have a name for it do they have a handshake tell me they have a handshake do they have a fancy

0:39:55 Eli: Oh an autism crew would be the best kind of crew I just want to watch you and your friends who likes my kid, have you met him?

0:40:38 Tom: Handshake you're describing a dynamic that has not changed for most men in their entire lives yeah all I want is a crew where we have a fantasy handshake that's all I want in my whole life just someday I want a fancy hand shake that's

0:41:02 Clip: DEAR OLD DADS

0:41:09 Eli: All right, gentlemen, before we go, dad jokes can be NSFW, and I'm going to say why. Why?

0:41:18 Thomas: International

0:41:19 Tom: It oh god that's awful

0:42:07 Thomas: Jeff

0:42:09 Eli: But you always fucking get one, don't you, bitch?

0:42:14 Tom: And his stupid hands are in the dumb

0:42:17 Eli: What is it, a Tom Citation Needed bonus episode?

0:42:19 Tom: Air okay all right one time one time I

0:42:21 Eli: I fucking got him. Fucking got him! Got him, you lazy piece of shit. How fucking dare you?

0:42:28 Thomas: International jeff come

0:42:30 Tom: Know he's in over his fucking head

0:42:33 Eli: Jeffrey International. Pourquoi Jeffrey? J 'AI VRIIIIIIIIII MAIS NON J 'AI VRIIII

0:42:40 Thomas: On okay no more pool for you fucking idiots