DOD259: If I Publicly Humiliate Us Both Will You Take Me Back???

Transcript

This transcript was generated automatically and may contain errors — the audio is the record.

0:00:02 Clip: I'm the cool dad, that's my thing I know now what I can offer you that no one else can Complete and under-dependent I'm a man, I'm sensitive I need to feel loved, I need part of being a father that I enjoy

0:00:28 Tom: Welcome to Dear Old Dads, the podcast that's, well, okay,

0:00:31 Thomas: That's in love with you. That's In Love With You. Melissa, if you're listening, go to, I have a Times Square right now, I've a big, big sign. I paid for, oh shit, I already ran out of time. I can only pay for it for like three seconds.

0:00:46 Eli: I got that five minute billboard that all the white supremacists get for their podcasts.

0:00:48 Thomas: Yeah. Oh, that's, yeah.

0:00:50 Tom: I'm old. I was going to say the podcast holding a boom box outside your window, but you know, that's all right. Yeah.

0:00:55 Eli: Yeah, that too.

0:00:55 Thomas: Is that a grand gesture? That's like a, I don't know. It's a weird.

0:00:58 Tom: It's a weird, it's a weirdo behavior.

0:00:59 Eli: I think it was a grand gesture, yeah, for the poors.

0:01:03 Tom: Well, I will. I'm Tom Curry. I've joined as always with Thomas Smith and Eli Bostic. Yeah, like grand gestures are fucking bizarre. Can we just talk real quick about the olympic have you guys been watching the Olympics at all you've been watching Olympics

0:01:12 Thomas: Olympic hockey baby if you want to have one remaining thing to be proud of the u .s for it's u .S. women's hockey is so good so fucking good they've allowed one goal they've shut out five teams in a row we beat canada the place where hockey is we beat Canada five to nothing stomped them it wasn't even close the u s women's a hockey team is the best team of anything ever Like it's, it's amazing.

0:01:41 Thomas: Having said that the gold medal game is on this Thursday. I don't know when this comes out, but it's on Thursday. It will be funny if Canada stomps us.

0:01:41 Tom: Hockey

0:01:49 Thomas: And I've, and I've oversold it.

0:01:49 Tom: Really hayley and I try to watch the Olympics she has some things that she likes to watch and I'll watch them with her because I'm just like yeah if you like it we'll watch it so we watched the figure skating stuff like we watched most of the men's figure skating and like the build -up was like this guy is going to be great he's like this never before he's the the only person that can do this stuff. It's going to be amazing. And then he fucking totally choked like he got in his head and he totally choked. And I felt so bad for that guy.

0:02:07 Thomas: The quad God. Yeah. I hate it. Fucking hate it! Yeah. Yeah, I can't do it.

0:02:18 Tom: I was like, oh, it wasn't at all a good time. Like I was like, I can't wait to see him do. And none of it looks like anything to me either because everything they're like, Oh, he totally fucked that up. And I'm like, sure did piece of shit.

0:02:22 Thomas: No, no, I know. I know this. Yeah short of falling. Like I can tell when someone fell, but when they're like he does this better than everyone I'm like wow it looks like he he jumped up and then he he landed yeah he spun he did spin

0:02:32 Tom: That fucking asshole. And like, yeah, he sure was spinning And he'd be like, oh, I got a, he missed a quarter of a rotation on that quadruple Salchow. And I'm like, I think I had beef sow cow for dinner. I don't even know what this is about right now.

0:02:49 Thomas: What do you have a fucking protractor on it how are you doing

0:02:52 Eli: The fucking, the gymnastics and the skating, they both have the same situation, which is that they just fucking, they'll do a big trick, but then they do like 30 seconds of fucking Macarena and it's supposed to be a dance, right? The original conceit was a dance, but now it's just who does the biggest, bestest tricks. And I'm fine with that, but just drop the middle Macarena part. It's the middle Macarena part that's weirding me out.

0:03:01 Thomas: It's of nothing yeah grab ass yeah yeah I know

0:03:16 Tom: Well, I Think this guy, they got to get, take a moment to catch their breath between things. And this is the moment of respite, you know? Yeah.

0:03:21 Thomas: I always find that part so funny I want to know who scores the just that like who focuses you know is somebody like oh oh, you're meaningless, like, yeah.

0:03:23 Eli: On the Macarena, is there one judge who's the Macarina guy?

0:03:32 Tom: I did learn. Cause like, if I'm going to watch this, like what I usually, what I watch these things with my phone, just constantly Googling stuff. I'm not going to do that. I'm just like, wait, I don' t know how this works. So we're watching this thing together and like they have a short and then a like a full I know the whole like last minute of it is just doing a good job doing the dancing part so they

0:03:36 Thomas: You're going to become a pro.

0:03:42 Eli: All your ads are for gay porn this week? Yeah.

0:03:52 Tom: Don't do any tricks in the whole life the big tricks they're all the jumps and stuff are over in the first like three quarters they do like a whole minute of just like the dance routine and I fucking think that's awesome actually I'm like yeah doing a great job dancing on the ice that's pretty cool but like after a while I'm like I don't know that guy's also really good and I bet the next guy's gonna be really fucking good we tried to watch some of the like snowboarding and skiing trick stuff and it's the exact same thing man it's like he did a 170 ollie smash grab double flip ski thing and I'm Like all right and then the next Guy does something different that looks looks exactly the same it looks the same ryle

0:04:31 Thomas: And they're like, that was fucking horseshit, that was so bad, that guy should kill himself right now on live TV,

0:04:34 Eli: God, that piece of shit should kill himself.

0:04:37 Tom: The one thing I'll give it though is like it is great straight man material to make jokes when the announcers are going it's fucking like I don't mind watching it because I'm just like okay cool I can be funny like this is like I can just make jokes yeah exactly

0:04:46 Eli: Oh, 100%. Yeah. It's prime roast material.

0:04:46 Thomas: It's always fun. I love the Olympics. Yeah, I do love the Olympics. I actually I appreciate this more and more as I get older is like especially because we have so few things in our culture anymore that are this where everybody, you know, decides to watch or learn about an obscure thing at once. You know, I like that. It's kind of nice.

0:05:08 Tom: I remember being like a little kid and watching the Olympics and I actually had a I was I had this memory the other day and I was like how old must I have been so I looked up when when the Olympics had been held because it used to be only every four years instead of every other year. So like back in the day, they didn't do that back in winter and summer. And then four years later, winter. Yeah.

0:05:18 Thomas: Well, it is every four years. It's just there's winter and summer. Oh, oh, you're that old. Oh, yeah. OK. They just had the events in Greece. Yeah. Whatever. Fucking. Yeah. Yeah there's

0:05:32 Eli: We didn't have the other two things. It was mostly naked wrestling. I missed the eye -begouging. I thought that was the

0:05:32 Tom: Yeah, right. Yeah it was, it was all just, it was old naked Greek guys wrestling. It was a, yeah, it's a whole thing. Yeah.

0:05:40 Eli: Heart of the sport.

0:05:41 Thomas: Three events it was like run a bit swim a bit jump kill a guy I don't know there's things is it

0:05:46 Tom: But I was like little, little, and I remember watching this, like I remember the house I was in. So I was, I was watching the Olympics in Florida. So it was in Florida, so I had to be less than six years old. So I'm watching the Olympics with like my mom and my stepdad and my, you know, stepbrother and sisters and whatever. And like, I remember thinking, well, I got to pick my sport. I think everybody, I thought everybody went to the Olympics and you had to pick what you were going to do.

0:06:09 Tom: And so I was like, well I'm going to be a pole vaulter, which is the funniest thing ever as a fucking chubby fucking three -year -old. I'd be like a fucking meatball on a stick. It's fucking hilarious. The least likely sport ever.

0:06:11 Thomas: Oh pole vault's

0:06:20 Eli: What I like about the Olympics is that sometimes you watch a sport, and it's just people who are good at a thing, but you can get it. You watch people bike, and you're like, yeah, fast bikers. Sure. Right? That guy bikes much faster than me. And I'm not like, ooh, I could get that good. No, I am aware that he bikes much, much faster than me. Great. I get it. I'm locked in. But some of it has become this perverse, physics -based, astroglide -covered nonsense, right?

0:06:32 Thomas: Great

0:06:52 Tom: What?

0:06:52 Eli: Where you're just like, well, in order to gain .007 seconds, all losers take their body and run it through a sausage mill twice a year. Yeah, Nyekerev removed both his legs last year, according to the new Federation Immatinal Gabarol rules, right? And that's what I fucking love. I love when people have just absolutely deformed themselves for life for their sport. And I don't mean that in the not fun way, like anorexia or something. I mean in the fun way. I mean the fucking ski jumpers who got caught injecting

0:06:51 Thomas: Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

0:07:27 Eli: Their penises with acid so that they could use their jumpsuits as like kind of sort of parachutes. That's what I'm talking about. People who are in it to win it. Now, here's another question. And this is a brave one. And if you're one of our liberal cuck listeners, as opposed to the new right -wing badasses that I've been cavorting with, and you don't want to hear this, then you just close your ears and hit 30 seconds a couple of times. If you go to the Olympics, let me say something brave. If you come in like last place, I think they should let you kill yourself.

0:08:07 Thomas: Incredible they have to let

0:08:08 Eli: Because here's the thing. That was definitely the meaning of your whole life. And you did it the worst out of anybody. I don't think you should come home and people should be like, better luck next year. I think we should all agree. Clean slate. Let's see if reincarnation's a thing yes

0:08:13 Thomas: You mm -hmm yeah

0:08:30 Tom: I always, I get a kick out of the countries. They're like, and now competing for Turkmenistan. Turkmenistan has never won a medal, have they, Bob? No, they've never even come close. And Turkmenstan is bobsledding today, aren't they? Yeah, they're bobsletting. They're going to come in about six minutes past the leaderboard, but we're going to watch them anyway. And then they do. And you're like, there's never a cool runnings moment, you know?

0:08:51 Eli: Yes

0:08:51 Thomas: No remember when north korea did a couple things and they're just like so so fucking bad yeah oh my god

0:08:54 Eli: Yeah and then they went home and got murdered for it and you could see every time they would lose a race by 20 minutes they'd be like I'm gonna get fucking set on fire during a parade someone let me stay let me say right now no seriously let me stay forever I call asylum from me being me please and thank you yeah I do love when there's a country that doesn't care about a sport but is still in it and you just watch, there's occasional races I don't know if you've seen these, they tend to not be in the like really short dash ones but in the longer ones, occasionally you'll get a country that just submitted a fucking guy and all the racers take off and then 20 miles behind is just the fastest guy in Hunfenster who's like, oh my god whoa, that's crazy, you guys Sophia's how are you all from different countries I don't understand oh I'm going to throw

0:09:55 Tom: It blows my mind, too, to think, like, everybody out here was the best person in their high school, at their college, at, like – wherever they were at. Like, the worst guy there. You're like, that guy's better than everybody you know. Like, you've never met – whatever the sport is, the last guy on the roster is like, yeah, that guys a whole lot better than anybody you've ever met that does this. Everybody.

0:10:18 Eli: Up you know what's weird can I say another weird event before we talk about the auto ads basketball I think it's weird that we do basketball at the olympics because we're 8 000 times better at basketball than everyone else in the world we have 100 of the world's famous and amazing basketball players I was watching a clip. I was scrolling through and it was like, here's all the famous basketball players just fucking taking Chechnya to town.

0:10:27 Tom: Why?

0:10:48 Thomas: Yeah it's it's changed a little like some european basketball players I mean it's gotten better but yeah that's how hockey was for canada for a while

0:10:57 Tom: But America doesn't always win the gold. Like, in basketball.

0:11:00 Thomas: Well they don't always have nba play or yeah I don't know sometimes

0:11:04 Tom: I mean, they usually do.

0:11:04 Eli: That's nice. I think they should do a couple of years where they just have to go outside into the parking lot and be like, does anyone want to be on the American team? Anyone? Did you guys see the clip of the girl who had obviously just had the best sex of her life? It's the second funniest interview of the you guys saw this it's amazing she's the fucking

0:11:20 Tom: What

0:11:17 Thomas: The yeah yeah I saw I did it actually yeah I thought dude she's she's just like so happy yeah

0:11:24 Eli: Best good for her she's an a figure skater and she's like I love it here in the olympic village please don't you can't make me leave I've just really I just um I'm having such a wonderful time here and they're like you haven't competed yet and she'S like uh -huh no I'm I'm gonna I'm I'm going to do whatever the fuck it is I've been doing that isn't fucking all these hot people. I promise.

0:11:44 Tom: Is this yeah she's like everybody here is hot and in shape like this is this rules you know they got the uh the russian athletes who are allowed to participate not representing their country do you think that like sometimes they're like I'm gonna room them with the ukrainian guy just kind of see what happens right just I bet it'll be a little odd couple moment we got some cameras in in the room it'll be hilarious I

0:12:04 Eli: Yeah. Let's see how they get along. This will be fun. Maybe you get a little heated rivalry going on, huh? But gentlemen, do you know the only thing hotter than gay sex with your Ukrainian -Russian Olympic roommate? Why? It's the auto ads. The sexy time of the podcast world. But maybe you need to keep cool. Keep calm in your podcasting experience. In which case, head on over to patreon .com forward slash dear old dads, where we'll take all the bone -tastic auto -ads out of your audio experience. Plus, you get bonus episodes whenever the fuck Thomas and Lydia feel like airing them. And a commercial -free version of every show with a little backstory at the end. Check it out over at patreon .COM forward slash Dear Old Dads. Like those hockey players in Heated Rivalry, rip into it.

0:13:01 Ad: [Ad break 1 — ad music]

0:13:03 Thomas: I'm just going to read the description from Godawful Movies January bonus. It said, oh, January bonus, a weekend of February. Sorry for the late drop. It was recorded, but Lucinda got sick. Noah got behind. Isn't that weird? Because ours was out totally before that.

0:13:17 Tom: Try

0:13:16 Eli: Yeah you gotta take that up with the guy who edits that show I do nothing on any of my

0:13:20 Thomas: Yeah, our bonus was out before that one. So just so you know, it's within a few days of the end of the month.

0:13:24 Eli: Shows shots fucking

0:13:29 Tom: Not to tease thomas about things that I literally don't know how to do at all you know like release the show or edit the show or do anything other than record the show I can't if all of a sudden it was like all right tom it's your turn to be like great we cancel the show that's it everybody has to get real jobs I I don't know what to do.

0:13:45 Eli: Fired yeah no that's true it's super easy that's the secret that's why podcasters are podcassters if you're good enough at it you get to work for the radio that's my podcasting is where we are all right but gentlemen we're not just here to make fun of the olympics today we're here to make fun of one olympian in

0:14:04 Thomas: Very specific part of the olympics

0:14:05 Tom: So bad.

0:14:05 Eli: Particular thomas weave us a word tell

0:14:08 Thomas: Oh am I doing it awesome okay when I first read the headlines I thought it was better than it was because I thought this guy was confessing to having cheated like at the olimpic village that's what it certainly led me to believe I think intentionally but then it turns out the guy was just like after his event I think the guy who ended up getting bronze in the fucking one of the gravity gravity based skiing I don't know just Just like a hill and skiing or something.

0:14:27 Tom: Biathlon. Yeah. Biathlon is even weirder. It's the one where they cross -country ski for a while, and then they shoot a pellet gun for a minute. Yeah, right.

0:14:35 Eli: And then they shoot and fucking rules

0:14:34 Thomas: Oh, I love it. Just shoot a fucking guy. Yeah. Yeah. They should have to shoot one of the other skiers, though. It should be like the duel. Yeah. The most dangerous biathlon. Yeah. That's the advantage.

0:14:42 Eli: Yes a duel yes and if you if you ski faster you get the higher ground

0:14:43 Tom: At least you should have the option of shooting the guy in front of you, right? Yeah.

0:14:51 Tom: But you could throw turtle shells behind you. You should make it like Mario Kart. Biathlon Mario Kart, yeah.

0:14:53 Thomas: So this guy who's from a country where I would have thought they were cooler is like, oh, I just need to say here on national TV that I... well tom you have the fucking article I don't have it up

0:15:07 Tom: So this is a norwegian guy um he got the bronze or uh biathloning better than everybody but two other people I said six months ago I'm fucking everything about this he makes a great big announcement and he says six months ego I met the love of my life the world's most beautiful sweetest person and three months ago I made the biggest mistake of my and cheated on her he said he told his partner this thing a week ago so she already knew

0:15:35 Thomas: Yeah they had she'd broken up with him

0:15:35 Tom: About it and then he gets yeah and he gets interviewed and is like you know I should probably humiliate her in front of the world that would probably help the situation yeah yeah I read like some of the coverage of this and I read what he said and I'm like dude you didn't even get through the whole honeymoon period you You got 90 days into your relationship. You're still in the honeymoon period. You're like, I'm pretty much still not going to be able to do this.

0:15:43 Thomas: Yeah you know it'll win her back yeah yeah

0:16:01 Tom: Like one woman thing, right? Like it's been 91 days. I can't do it. If you can't make it through the honeymoon, period, like you are not cut out. This is not your person or you are not cutout for the one woman situation or something is wrong with you and you're bad. Like you're just bad. But like making this announcement is this weird weird performative manipulation thing. It's so fucking weird.

0:16:24 Thomas: God it's so bad that was what was so funny because I thought it was a guy it was already bad enough when it was I thought was a guy who came on like oh because we're all fucking each other here at olympic village which they are doing they should be doing that's the point of going I'm glad they're doing I'm Glad they ran ran out of condoms they need more condoms they're like we're all fucking each other here and I cheated on my love I thought it was that and I was like okay still don't do that because it's fucking embarrassing to your partner or whatever but when I find out the guy yeah it's embarrassing to me to every all of yeah Tom Eli when the guy is like hey I and did you really just say that he met her six months ago I didn't even catch that too that's another layer we're like hey this girl I kinda know that I sorta knew I was we uh we were kind of going out I cheated on her she dumped my ass but I think if I embarrassed the fuck out of her here on live tv foley is bears

0:16:49 Eli: To everybody yes yeah in best case scenario they had no talking face I think I should do the thing that will be most famous about her for the rest of her life and that will come up in every google search about her until the second she dies and then when she dies it will say susan canton lady who got embarrassed during the olympics dead at 99 yeah

0:17:28 Thomas: Her in a bad

0:17:45 Tom: Did you hear what he said? Because this is fucking the most wonderfully incoherent gibberish. Did you see what he did? Did you here what he was saying when he was asked directly, hey, why did you do this? So here's from a news story from ESPN. During a news conference, he explained why he decided to tell the world about his personal situation on the TV broadcast. And here's his quote. He says, it was the choice I made.

0:18:07 Tom: We make different choices during our life and that's how we make our life. So today I made a choice to tell The World what I did. So maybe, maybe there's a chance she will see what she really means to me. Maybe not.

0:18:07 Thomas: Way ah sure yeah I you know it's one of the many things that separates me from the entire rest of the world is the minute someone says that I'm like I can't ever talk to you

0:18:26 Tom: I don't think that separates you from anybody. This guy, this guy had made no friends with this

0:18:29 Thomas: Again no this is all of our this isall of humans except the three of us I'm telling you well uh you make different choices yeah that's nothing that's fucking nothing you idiot I said why'd you do it you said because I did it that's what you said that's nothing that's not an answer to the fucking question yeah yeah no I know it is what it is I know what it was what it isn't I can't do it like the fact that people do that and they think it does something they like they count that as talking

0:18:35 Tom: Because I did yeah well uh also it is what it is

0:18:58 Thomas: I don't know it doesn't even

0:18:59 Tom: Yeah well people make choices like what the fuck is that what what is

0:18:59 Thomas: Count I don'T GET IT yeah oh shit hey this just in he interrupts the interview holy shit he said people make choices we didn't know that before this is breaking news

0:19:08 Eli: Sorry well I think if you're stupid enough to do that you're Stupid enough to hear that question and think that the question was wait what happened say what happened again but from your

0:19:20 Tom: That but eli eli you wanted to talk about the grand gesture and he kind of alludes and this is why why I want to read this quote in part two because he alludes to the idea that this was a gesture which might show her how much he really cares about her now he had he had another opportunity to show her How Much He Cared About Her which would be to not cheat on her like that would have done a better job right that other but he chose to humiliate her instead with the grand gesture to show Her How Much She Really Matters

0:19:35 Eli: Lens

0:19:49 Thomas: God it's so

0:19:51 Eli: Yeah the reason I wanted to talk about this is not just because this guy is such a doofusaurus, but also because I think that a lot of men, a lot of otherwise reasonable men, believe in this idea of the grand gesture. Now, I want to be very clear, not the grand romantic gesture. Because I think the grand, romantic, non -apologetic gesture is actually really nice if you don't embarrass your partner. There are really nice ways to do grand romantic gestures showing up at the airport to pick someone up driving through the rain at midnight to bring someone's soup even though they just said they were feeling a little bit sick right you do these gestures which if they don't embarrass your partner and they are not unwelcome or you're not misreading a situation right can really mean a lot to a person I do not know a single woman ever in my whole life who has wanted a grand apology gesture not one no

0:20:51 Tom: Dude I feel like there's this world that we've created that some people can't seem to figure out that because there is an ability to be more public than ever before that people would be like well you know what I should do then have no fucking chill about what should just be personal and there's an enormous amount of that shit too that gets like wrapped up into that same idea where it's like well this is my personal life and most people like to have some differentiation between the personal and the public and then Then there are other people who are like, if I can make it public, I am definitely going to make it public, including things like apologies. And like our relationship is bad at the moment.

0:20:51 Thomas: Bad

0:21:30 Tom: And like all the rest, like it's like by publicizing to the world that things are fucking rocky right now, like you're not going to makes things less rocky. Like what are you trying to accomplish with that?

0:21:39 Eli: Monogas

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0:21:48 Thomas: It's so funny I think because there's so many layers to this first off that when I shared this I just shared it in our usual dedicated slack channel for or monagos ruin everything and I thought this was like hey this is so silly like just fucking as a joke among the three of us that monagas ruin everything but then you bring up the great point about the grand gesture which is even more the like that's even even better point about this because there's there's so many layers for one even if you wanted to do the grand public gesture and I agree eli 100 with what she said there's a big difference between like a grand romantic gesture which these fucking guys do all the time like tom and eli just constantly over and over just doing this like grand romantic gestures for their wives uh yeah and there's the difference between that and a public gesture but the thing that's so funny is how clueless you have to be to think that like like it would be one thing to do I've done skywriting and it's will you marry me or whatever it's one thing if you give the prospective you know romantic partner a story that they will want you know like that's going to be the one chance

0:21:59 Eli: Ruin

0:22:04 Tom: I don't ruin everything.

0:22:26 Eli: Everything you're welcome yeah

0:22:28 Tom: Yes. Yep.

0:22:50 Thomas: That that would have success success is if you give them a story that they will want to tell, because women really do like being able to say their partner, you know, got them flower, deliver them flowers in a certain way or whatever. Like they do like that to some extent. I think people like that, you know, in general, they're going to want a story they want to talk.

0:23:07 Tom: So women and people like it. Okay.

0:23:07 Thomas: Who's going to want to say, well, here's the thing. I mean, I think it's, I don't know. I don' think it tends to be a thing that women like more than men, or it's just something that women like men. I dunno. I dont think it goes the other way really.

0:23:09 Tom: That's what you you just said generally

0:23:19 Eli: Well look can can I be a little gross can I to be a little gross bring it in bring it in the gesture that men want is usually fuck stuff right don't get me wrong I appreciate all gestures they're wonderful but like the stuff that we're like that was pretty sweet where we don't recommend right no no let me tell you how great my Valentine's Day was so I come home and all that's on the table is a can of whipped cream gather

0:23:38 Tom: I don't know

0:23:37 Thomas: You yeah much so here we were yeah exactly no that's I mean for real I kind of think that's that sort of is what it is but you got to give them a story that they want to tell does this guy think that he's like yeah years from now here's what will happen we'll be at thanksgiving or big family gathering hey tell us the story well he had just got done raw dogging my best friend and which I I broke up with him for forever but then he got on tv and embarrassed the absolute shit out of me and mortified me and I thought you know I'm gonna give this guy another

0:24:02 Eli: Around around grandchildren.

0:24:21 Tom: My guy that's my guy here's what I genuinely think he was probably thinking he is like like first of all like this is a guy like I said who cheated in the first three months of a six month long relationship right so this is clearly not a guy who is, he is a very selfish person. Like you don't have to know anything about him to be like, yeah, this guy's fucking obviously a very self -centered person. I think he probably thought I'm willing to humiliate myself. And you should see that, that I am willing to humiliate himself as a gesture of my remorse. But what he cannot see, just like he couldn't fucking see in the first place is like, but this also affects the other person, stupid. Stupid there's a sense of like I'm the only character here and you are the recipient of the things that I do right rather than like a person having an entirely self -contained and personal experience like all gestures I I know people hated the episode but it's it kind of like to me goes back in some ways to like the being a gentleman advice I gave the kids it's like all gestures always have to be aimed to match the desires of the recipient whatever the person wants that's what your gesture should do like you shouldn't do gestures the other person doesn't like just because you think they're supposed to like it or like you read in a book that this is what good boyfriends or good husbands or whatever do you just find out what the person likes and then you do that thing and that's how you make a gesture be meaningful but like a guy like this is just like yeah I did this big humiliate myself thing and I don't know why it didn't work and And it's like, well, because you didn't think that the other person was a person on the other side of this. And you never stop to consider, like, what gestures actually might have been meaningful demonstrations of remorse. I do want to say, though, like Eli, the grand gesture thing is almost always a bad idea.

0:24:59 Thomas: Chance yeah yeah yeah for

0:26:14 Eli: Yeah, no, I mean, I trust two men. Yes. One, because I think a lot of men are doing an apology gesture when they think they're doing a romantic gesture.

0:26:16 Tom: Even the romantic ones.

0:26:24 Eli: I don't trust men to know what their partner would like. I Don't trust men to Know what would embarrass their partner. I DON'T trust most men to KNOW what their PARTNER would eat.

0:26:35 Thomas: I don't think any of you should be in relationships actually now that we say it everybody not listening you can't be in a

0:26:38 Eli: Yeah. I'm like the epistles where Paul is just like, ah, nobody should get married. Am I right? I just think that a lot of people do them wrong. I also think that they come from, the problem is 99 % of the time, the big romantic gesture comes from the fact that you saw someone do it in a movie.

0:26:46 Thomas: Relationship

0:27:00 Eli: And the reason you saw Someone Do It in the movie is because a movie is a story about one person. And your life is not a story about one person right it makes sense for the main character of a movie to run through the airport and chase someone down and tell them not to go back to france and marry their husband or whatever the fuck they're supposed to do because they're the main character in the movie everyone else is a written fictional character who is there to tell their story. But in real life, other people are just as important as you. Now, obviously not as important as me, but in real Life, other People

0:27:00 Thomas: Yeah

0:27:01 Tom: Yes, that's it, dude.

0:27:07 Thomas: Yeah

0:27:08 Tom: Yes. Yeah.

0:27:41 Eli: Are just as important. As you and so those grand gestures almost certainly are about your narrative for the relationship. Not theirs.

0:27:49 Tom: I sort of don't blame people too much because if you are a young person and you're getting your ideas like many of us do, you're getting your ideas for love and relationships and how to act and all this stuff and you are getting these romanticized ideas from the media, they are going to paint this idea that what women want is this very, not just grand, but oftentimes public gesture and it romanticizes is insane shit like one of the most like beloved romantic movies is the notebook have you guys fucking seen the notebook the

0:28:20 Thomas: No I haven't seen the fucking notebook kidding me

0:28:22 Eli: Yeah, it's nuts.

0:28:22 Tom: Opening sequence in the notebook The Guy basically badgers a woman into going on a date by dangling himself from a ferris wheel and threatening to kill himself by letting go if she doesn't go out with him this is a famously romantic movie then it gets weirder from there it literally gets weirder and more problematic from there and this is a beloved romantic

0:28:37 Thomas: Holy shit here's my new idea guys you ready I don't know if this is a podcast I don'T KNOW IF IT'S A MOVIE I DON'T KNOW IT'S WHAT we take old rom -coms like that and we change them into horror movies but by not changing anything except like the tone and the music yeah yeah it's just like go out with me or I'll kill myself and And then, yeah. And then the rest is just like all the time. She says, yeah, like the pausing on like her face, like without just like imagining what's going on in her head, you know, the horror of how she's going to get out of this fucking social interaction.

0:28:55 Eli: The music,

0:28:54 Tom: Movie just change the music yeah just change the music

0:28:59 Eli: Right? We just hold the we just just hold the camera angles. Yeah.

0:29:04 Tom: Right meep meep meep yes

0:29:17 Thomas: Yeah, there we go.

0:29:18 Eli: Yeah, wasn't there a thing that went viral for a little while, which was recutting movie trailers as horror movies?

0:29:17 Tom: Yes yeah I've seen this yeah I've see this it's fucking amazing it's it does such a hilarious job there's also the reverse of that where it's like they'll have like a fight scene two people preparing for a fight scene and like they'll slow the music down and put like sexy time music in front of it and it looks like they're like undressing to fuck instead of fight it's it's terrific like the music makes it but like this grand gesture shit cracks me the fuck up when I think back to when I was a young and impressionable person I'm trying to figure out without any layers of experience how do I be a good boyfriend or like how do I be a god whatever this is that I want want to be and it's like well what do you have to

0:29:23 Thomas: Oh, yeah? Maybe.

0:30:02 Tom: Rely on mostly it's like the experiences of the people around you yeah but like your buddies are also getting their ideas from what they've seen maybe you've got good parents to model shit but like statistically no you don't you're just sort of looking around sort of flailing in the dark and when we look at the things that have been romanticized it's like really troubling like there's almost no good examples of it so like eli your example of like Like driving somebody's soup in the rain or a snowstorm or whatever it is. I don't think of that as a grand gesture. I think of it as like the kinds of acts of kindness that we should do to express love for somebody.

0:30:05 Thomas: Male created media. Okay. That's a Thursday for Tom.

0:30:44 Eli: Buy

0:30:44 Tom: But like for real, it's like, yeah, that's a loving thing to do. When I think about it, I think it's a great thing to be able to do for somebody else. When I talk of a grand gestures, I personally think of something public. I think, yeah. Public and like extravagant, you know? Yeah.

0:30:49 Eli: An island. Oh, yeah, no, I don't. I do not. No, I mean, it could be extravagant. I do not necessarily automatically include public. Public, I think you need to have such a keen awareness of your partner liking that kind of thing. And let me say this. Let me say this I think if you know for certain that your partner wants a public gesture you guys might be that kind of pervert and maybe you both should stop that's my hot take right like if you're like no I know in my heart that what my wife wants more than anything is for me to grab the mic at a baseball game and sing her our song if you both think that here's my Hot Take you both go to of therapy together and stop wanting those things for and from each other mm

0:31:34 Tom: When

0:31:42 Ad: [Ad break 3 — ad music]

0:31:44 Tom: I proposed to hayley we happened to be in australia and we were doing the skepticon thing and I had a live show at skepticon and for like an eighth of a tenth of a second it crossed my mind that I could walk out on stage and I could do a public proposal I had an opportunity I had a moment of time that would have been and I immediately was like that's fucking insane Insane. She would hate that.

0:32:07 Tom: Like, I would hate that, but I would do it if I thought she would love it, right? But like, she would fucking hate that, and like, people do this stuff too, I think, oftentimes in ways that are kind of manipulative, right, and I'm not just talking the proposal, it's like, by doing the grand gesture you sort of make somebody feel really obligated to forgive or really obligatied to say yes, or feel really obbligated to the the event that you've created for them. So it's like there's some level of it where it's just like, what are you doing this for?

0:32:19 Thomas: Kind of yeah

0:32:41 Tom: Like, what is all of this like extravagance aimed at? I think you can kind of be a little over the top if it's a fairly private moment and you've already kind of sussed the situation out, but I think he got to be fucking careful of that shit. But like media tells us, do it all the time. It's the solution to every problem. Them it's the solution to like hey you know the the third act is about to start and I need a way to like bridge the gap between two and three that's what media has told boys and women like it tells women what to expect and what's romantic too yeah

0:33:14 Thomas: Crazy and it's obviously too like whenever I see one of those like ballpark you know fucking proposals or whatever sports event proposals I just hope they've talked about ahead of time look if you want to talk about ahead -of -time and you want to like do a thing yeah it is like oh

0:33:26 Eli: Yep oh you can tell when they haven't you can Tell

0:33:30 Tom: God it looks so awkward oh my

0:33:32 Eli: Most people aren't that good an actor hey let me say something brave let me Say something brave and once again let me court our right -wing listeners kill Tony

0:33:34 Thomas: Yeah no I do agree with that

0:33:44 Eli: I hope you're listening because I've got a word or two for the the ladies. Ladies, if he proposes too soon in public, you have to say yes and then take it back later. You can't do the most embarrassing thing that will happen to him his entire life because that would be dishonest. Give me an... No, no, no. You got to give him a yes, yes. Oh my God, yes, and then run him over with your car in the parking lot.

0:33:58 Tom: Shit no fuck that ruin him break him break them break him in half break them in half half break him in half no no

0:34:15 Eli: I'm not saying you have to marry him I'm saying that if you don't want the

0:34:20 Tom: Laugh in his face laugh at

0:34:20 Eli: Only videos of you that last throughout the universe to be you turning someone down in a baseball game then I highly recommend you say yes now and no later the

0:34:26 Tom: Him hurt him hurt his heart I feel like it's related have you guys seen the videos there's a handful of these that circulate around the videos of people stealing women's limelight like this is what I mean is like there's famous one of like a couple of them like women are like running a marathon

0:34:49 Eli: Guy who stops in front of her and proposes while she hasn't finished the

0:34:52 Tom: Or brings the kids and releases the kids to run toward her as she's running toward the finish

0:34:53 Eli: Marathon you haven't seen that one

0:35:00 Tom: Line and it's like I've also seen the same thing where people will do it like when a woman is like about to grab is like graduating from like college or something you know she's she's got some kind of moment of personal recognition or achievement and the dude will be like I'll take that and they'll like grand gesture their way through it as a way to like take away from her the achievement and the moment and the attention and to refocus it on him slash them have you seen that shit

0:35:00 Thomas: Dear

0:35:00 Eli: That rules

0:35:18 Thomas: God

0:35:30 Eli: Yeah where like she gets her doctorate and then he gets down on one knee and everyone's like, oh, that's not what today's about. Maybe that's what this afternoon's really nice party is about, huh? Oh, dude.

0:35:43 Tom: Fucking shit man like just do it a different

0:35:47 Eli: The guy who proposes in front of Marathon Woman for a second, she's real. For a second you see her be like, I can jump and hit him in his stupid face with my knee me and I'll probably only lose a couple of seconds as he crumples to the ground on top of his grandma's ring and dies like a dog in the street the way he deserves speaking of which do you know I ate your snacks boyfriend God he fucking ruined okay wait but let me tell you my favorite thing about all these horrible moments right my favorite things about all of these horrible moments is when you see them on TikTok and I'm off TikTok because I'm a morally cleansed human being. I don't know if you heard this about me, but the best thing about these videos is there would be the first video with 150 billion views of him kneeling down in the middle of her marathon. The next video is always them sitting on a couch and her being like, so, um, a lot of people have had kind of a weird reaction to Brian's proposal. And I just wanted to clear a couple of things up because some people were actually a little bit rude. So first of all, Brian knows that I've wanted to get married and also his legs were tired from earlier and he's always just standing there like, he's counting his own breaths. He's like in, out, in. And she's like, isn't that right, baby? And he's like yeah, I own her.

0:36:00 Tom: Day

0:36:00 Thomas: Oh my God that's so

0:36:14 Tom: No oh yes yes Well, you got to describe the ate my snacks thing for people that don't know.

0:37:25 Thomas: Uncomfortable yeah what is this

0:37:25 Eli: Oh, okay, so it's this lady running a marathon, and so she gives her boyfriend her, like, energy shit, right? So if you don't know, podcast listener, because you're a normal human being who's not a run -so -far -you -die pervert, when you run a marathon because you don't because you're not supposed to, you need to eat little electrolyte Jell-O every 27 seconds or you shit yourself and die because that's what that story is about. It's literally about a person who runs too far and dies. So she gives the snacks. They make a bunch of them now. Now, they're not all electric Jell -O, but the best ones are electrolyte Jell-O. And she gives them all to her boyfriend so he can drive to the various points and meet her. And in the TikTok, she, like, runs up to him. She's like, where are my snacks? And he's like, I ate them. And then she just keeps running her marathon alone with no food or energy that she needs to finish it. The rules. You seem like a marathon guy. You can run a marathon. Sure you can. You're going to hurt your back no matter what you do. One day you're just going to wake up and your back's going to be in Cecil's body or something terrible.

0:38:11 Thomas: Oh my god jesus fucking christ yeah

0:38:12 Tom: Yeah, that's fucking nuts. I've never run a marathon, but like I did do.

0:38:21 Tom: I would, but I can't do it. I can run a marathon, but like, I just, no, it's the running would hurt my back at this point. But like when I did like my, I did a hundred mile, that's true.

0:38:36 Tom: Like the only thing close, I, I didn't, I don't know. I don't. A hundred mile century bike ride. And I trained really hard for it over the course of the summer. And I was, I looked forward to it and I had all this stuff I had to do to prepare for it. And if somebody had ruined that fucking a hundred yards from the finish line, I would have been pissed. I would've been like next level furious at that. Even though like it didn't matter for anything. Like I was just like, yeah, I just wrote that down when I was done. It was like, I did that thing. But it's like you spend months and months and month, like getting ready to do a thing to have. It's like, all right, the next handful of hours will just be mine.

0:39:14 Tom: Like those handful of hours will be mine, you know? And somebody is like, nah, I don't want you to have that. Like I'll take that from you too it's that's kind of insane what

0:39:21 Eli: How do you react when those situations come up for you, Tom? Because I know they have come up quite a bit and I always have the same reaction, which is like, oh yeah, yeah, I know this tracks. Like whenever, whenever there's like a big thing that I'm looking forward to and it doesn't happen and there's a major disappointment that would really crush someone else, I'm always like oh yeah yeah no I forgot for a second that this is what it is that I'm supposed to feel like this all the time like a great example so I go to this magic convention with my friends every year uh in January towards the end of January and my friends have been skipping it because they're famous magicians now which is fucking wild couple of sentences to say let me tell you but they just can't make it they can't take it that often and this year everybody could make it

0:39:33 Tom: Do you mean

0:40:06 Eli: Like everybody everybody made it where there's like 20 of us all going out and I'm gonna fly out there and I I rearranged my teaching schedule so that I can go. And then there was the giant snowstorm on the East Coast and I just couldn't go. And I didn't even, it wasn't like I had to make the difficult, United called me and they were like, we canceled your flight. And I was like, but it's not snowing there yet. And they were like it's too late, you're never going to make it back, so we canceled your flight and I, you know what I think about all the time and if you've seen it, you understand, have you ever seen the documentary about Tig Notaro and her wife trying to have a kid?

0:40:18 Tom: Like yeah

0:40:39 Thomas: Yeah god it's been a while trying to have a kid was it the one involving the cancer and stuff or no yeah

0:40:40 Tom: Yes wait

0:40:46 Eli: Yes, yes, yes. Yes. And there's a moment where they get a call from the doctor to say that the last embryo has not taken root and that they're not pregnant. And the partner is very sad and having a sad time. And Tig is just sort of like, yeah, yeah. No, of course. Sure. Sure, sure, sure. Sure. Right.

0:41:06 Eli: They're just sort of moving forward business as usual. And I think that's a very comedian thing to do. Right. I think a very comedian thing to doing is to get bad news and be like, you know, of course, of course. Yeah, that's how this goes.

0:41:06 Thomas: Spoilers yeah

0:41:18 Eli: That's the bit. I get it.

0:41:17 Thomas: Yeah yeah could also be some neurodiversity going on there because Tig isn't a very expressive person and all. It's kind of just very, I love Tig, but I feel like that's, yeah, she's great. I feel Like that's kind Of how she is with everything, though. Gosh, I Love her so much. Did you watch One Mississippi, her

0:41:28 Tom: Uh oh it's fucking the best absolutely the best

0:41:36 Eli: So good.

0:41:36 Thomas: Show? Oh, it's so good. Fantastic show.

0:41:37 Tom: Oh my god that show was amazing that show is

0:41:40 Clip: DEAR OLD DADS

0:41:47 Eli: All right, gentlemen. Before we go, quick question for you.

0:41:51 Thomas: Melissa, will you marry me?

0:41:52 Eli: Melissa, will you marry us?

0:41:55 Tom: Amazing amazing it was

0:41:55 Thomas: I know you're listening. I'm sorry I cheated on you with the earlier Melissa. It was actually different, Melissa. Just clarifying. One of them spells it with two S's and I don't remember which, it's not important anyway.

0:41:55 Eli: Will you marry this podcast? It's a different Melissa.

0:42:01 Tom: Actually during our second date I fucked during our second date I hope that's not weird for you oh my

0:42:10 Eli: Why was 69 afraid of 70? They had a fight in 71.

0:42:18 Thomas: I love it. I love those stupid ones. This has always made me laugh. The kid. Oh man. The first time I told the kids, the seven, eight, nine one. And they, I love my kids. Cause you know, they're my kids. So when something doesn't make sense to them, they start killing me. Like they're mad about it. And so I was like, yeah, cause seven, seven, eight, nine. And then I've gotten beaten to death. They're like, that's not, that's nothing. Seven, eight nine. You're just saying the numbers. And I was like, seven, nine, eight. And, and then, then once they got it, they're like this is the greatest thing. And you're the president, you know, like they go from like killing me to like,

0:42:47 Eli: I like that your children have the same reaction to jokes they don't like that I do stupid fuck

0:42:54 Tom: Hurt

0:43:40 Thomas: You're that old.

0:43:42 Eli: Nyekadev removed both his legs last year according to the new Federation Immatinal Garbarol rules