DOD254: Barking Up the Wrong Family Tree

Transcript

This transcript was generated automatically and may contain errors — the audio is the record.

0:00:28 Tom: Welcome to Dear Old Dads, the podcast that's still ticking somehow. I don't know. I'm Tom Curry. I am joined, as always, by Eli Bosnick and Thomas Smith. Hello, gentlemen.

0:00:54 Eli: Fuck it. And that guy's like, nah, I was on the right track.

0:00:56 Tom: I love this show.

0:00:58 Thomas: I took it a different way, which is it is surprising that none of us have died yet. Like, it just seems kind of, I don't know, odds -wise.

0:01:05 Eli: Spoilers for when Tom dies.

0:01:07 Thomas: Oh, you're right, so I shouldn't have given that away. I was just trying to do some foreshadowing.

0:01:13 Eli: Here's the thing. When I die, it's going to be sad, but everybody can go on, which is cool. There are people in the podcasters who can die and everybody gets to keep podcasting, which is cool, but when Tom... We're going to have to admit that he's happier. And I don't know how, how we play that on the air appropriately, how soon do we sub in Hayley, Hayley's new show, Witch Fingers, Witch Fingers. Yeah, she just describes different superstitions that we have to follow.

0:01:40 Thomas: What?

0:01:33 Tom: I... pretty much immediately, I would think. Yeah, just... witch fingers? What? Oh, my God. All right, so I want to give a quick update, because I think this is fucking insane. So, mom, mom clock, or whatever.

0:01:45 Thomas: Yeah,

0:01:53 Eli: Now, Mom Days 2026, 2026, 7. Yeah.

0:02:00 Tom: So, oh, my god. The only reason I bring this up, my mom lives down in Panama. She's an expat, and I guess she's dying at the moment. I know this because a couple of weeks ago, my brother had, like, texted me and said, hey, I think mom's dying or whatever, and I offered, yeah. Yeah. So just, you know, in case anybody's, this is the first episode. So I got a message from my dad the other day and he's like, Hey, your brother requested an expedited passport to get to Panama. He read the whole request. It sounds like it's, you Know, an any day now kind of a thing.

0:02:12 Thomas: You did a whole show on it, man.

0:02:28 Thomas: This is requesting it from your dad. Just got this request.

0:02:30 Tom: Well, like that's the thing that's so bizarre to me. So that's why I wanted to bring this up. So like, she's not dead. Fucking whatever. She'll figure it out. And like, I mean, she's now going to live forever. It doesn't matter. Who cares?

0:02:39 Eli: Correct.

0:02:42 Thomas: It's actually turns out she's just too incompetent to be dead. Like she's they, she had, they're trying to do the light at the end of the tunnel thing. She's like, which way is, ah, no, not that way.

0:02:42 Eli: Yeah. Yeah.

0:02:45 Tom: Right. Yeah. The spirit has to leave your body. The meaner that spirit is, like, the more it clings, it's like barbed wire I'm sure of this but what I can't understand, what I just genuinely cannot fathom, is why my dad can't figure it out either, is why my brother is giving my dad updates. My dad has not been married to this woman in 46 years. They got divorced five decades ago, 50 years ago they got divorced. He does not care. Like, they haven't spoken, presumably. I can't imagine why they would have. Let's imagine I'm 48 years old this year, so like it's

0:02:56 Eli: Of course

0:02:57 Thomas: Yeah, that's true. Yeah.

0:03:20 Eli: So many presidential

0:03:32 Thomas: Now that'd be fucking funny if it was another Tom Curry family special surprise and turned out your dad had maintained contact the entire time. Like, yeah,

0:03:37 Tom: Been

0:03:37 Eli: Administrations. They'd had a weekly phone call.

0:03:40 Tom: My dad and I talked about this. My dad's like, I don't know why Bob is giving me these updates, and I'm like, dad, I don't know either, man, and I don't know why he's not giving me the updates, but, but he's giving them to you. It's bizarre. My brother's bizarre stop. Yeah. I'm trying to opt out. I've been trying to op doubt.

0:03:52 Thomas: Stop to end. Yeah. Oh my God.

0:03:52 Eli: To be fair, you did text him unsubscribe, and the, the CDC does They levy pretty heavy fines if you keep texting after that.

0:04:03 Thomas: Nevermind. Forget all this crap. Sorry, Tom, your life doesn't matter. What does matter is the fact that I voted for a Democrat in 2016. And so for the rest of my life, I will get texts where I have to say stop to, to end the rest of my days forever, I'll have to say stop to end 40 times a day

0:04:17 Tom: No, that's it. Yep. That's it though.

0:04:21 Eli: Did you guys get texts? I'm sorry to bring us into Downer Town, and I, Tom, I will get back to your mom

0:04:24 Thomas: Yeah, we need to get

0:04:26 Tom: It's fine. I don't care.

0:04:26 Thomas: Back to the uplifting topic of Tom's mom

0:04:26 Eli: Because she is like Hb. Lovecraft's Cthulhu. She lasts forever and she will never die. I, on the day after Election Day, I got a text from the Democratic Party and truly, like, I cannot describe the violation that I felt when the democratic body texted me the day after election. I was like, Oh no, no, this is the opposite.

0:04:42 Thomas: Dying. Yeah, yeah, oh Yeah.

0:04:52 Eli: I hope they didn't have any volunteers doing that. That's because sometimes it's a real person, right? Doing like a text chain thing. And I pray for that person that they didn't

0:04:53 Tom: Yeah, no,

0:04:57 Thomas: Right, there's no way they could have found a real person. Yeah

0:05:02 Tom: Right. Yeah.

0:05:02 Eli: Use real people because of the vitriol that must have poured back that day. All right, so your mom's not dead and your brother's seeking for someone to care.

0:05:05 Thomas: Yeah.

0:05:09 Tom: Well, it's bizarre and I was curious like at what point are we supposed to stop getting updates about X's health and like wellbeing? Being like, I get it, like, while we're sort of co-parenting, right? So if you don't know that your ex has died and they're supposed to pick the kids up at fucking seven o'clock on Friday, you gotta know if they're still alive or not. I don't really need to know about health stuff on, like, a day-to-day basis, but, like, whether somebody is alive or functioning is, like, well worth sort of knowing about. Beyond that, what the actual fuck? I don'T UNDERSTAND

0:05:20 Thomas: Oh,

0:05:45 Eli: Ooh, ooh, Tom, this does bring up an interesting question, though. Would you rather get daily updates from your ex about her health or be on fire all the time?

0:05:54 Tom: Oh, be on fire. 100%, be on fire. Like, my dad has not had any reason. I've been, like, I'm the youngest. I turned 18 30 years ago, so my dad presumably hasn't had any need to contact this woman or be in contact in three decades, so he's just baffled as to why he's getting these updates. And I was thinking about it because it's like, when I broke my neck, I didn't, like, send my ex a message. No,

0:05:55 Thomas: That's a that's a killer. Would you rather your dad had the same reaction? No, I'm just kidding.

0:06:22 Eli: Dad,

0:06:23 Tom: Like, I didn's send my my ex a message that I had hurt my neck and I was going to have surgery. Like, why would I do that? I looked at the calendar dates and it wasn't going to take me out of commission for any dates that would affect my custody or parenting time. So that's just not an information I would share. It's bizarre. 50 years after fucking divorcing and my brother's like, I bet dad would want to know. Like what?

0:06:44 Thomas: It's very weird.

0:06:44 Eli: Are you sitting down? It's so weird. Now, can I tell you, Tom, I have a theory about this, okay?

0:06:45 Tom: It's super weird, right? It suit. I feel like it's super Weird. All right.

0:06:52 Eli: Which is that I think when one family member is dying, there has to be one family member, and it can't be the one who deserves to be freaking out, who has to make it all about them. No matter what happens, whenever someone dies, one distant

0:06:58 Thomas: Hmm.

0:07:07 Thomas: I don't really that's yeah.

0:07:07 Tom: Now maybe that's part of it. Yeah. Maybe he wants some attention. I don't know.

0:07:10 Thomas: Maybe. Yeah.

0:07:10 Eli: Cousin needs to step up like Arthur are pulling the sword from the stone to send everybody 'cause I'm

0:07:15 Tom: That's so not my brother, though, like my brother is super not that vibe. Yeah, I

0:07:17 Thomas: You haven't given me the impression that this is about him. Really. It seems like just a just a cluelessness or something or just like a yeah. Man, I don'T know.

0:07:25 Tom: Feel like it's just like not reading the room at all because like I've had side conversations where I'm like, dad

0:07:29 Eli: Yup.

0:07:28 Thomas: Yeah, You know, know that great meme, that's the two sisters, and it's one is dressed, you know, Eli, I'll know what I mean, that's probably a more pervert me.

0:07:38 Tom: What? Right.

0:07:38 Eli: Mhm.

0:07:38 Thomas: The one is like dressed all like, uh, you know, like almost like a hippie kind of like, and the other one is like Goth, and they use it to represent, like, I don't know, two different, that's Tom and his brother are in terms of reading the room. You go a couple different ways, I guess, after Tom's upbringing: read every single room as much as you possibly can or continue to give updates on a dying woman no one cares about forever.

0:07:44 Eli: Yeah.

0:08:00 Eli: I texted

0:08:01 Tom: God, you know, it's so funny because

0:08:03 Thomas: Oh, he just started texting me. Shit. Okay. Bob, I don't need to know about... I actually do care more than your dad does, but I have more of a relationship with your mom than you do.

0:08:13 Eli: Back, send pics, and he hasn't, so I don't know, I don't know what that means. But, gentlemen, do you know the only thing worse than updates on the livelihood of truly the worst human being who's ever been alive? Why, it's the auto ads, the Tom's mom of podcasting. Why is she an expat? Almost certainly because of crimes. And you know what else is a crime? Interrupting your podcast with spooky, weird auto ads that are at the wrong volume level. Yuck. Oh, you can make them all go away. Sorry, I have to talk in kids speak because I've been alone with my son for four days and this is how I haven't called him am a fuck stick, is how I've, is, I've just been talking like a crazy person for the last four days.

0:08:45 Thomas: Yeah, God. Oh, boy. Imagine having three of those fuckers.

0:09:03 Tom: He's Three fuck sticks?

0:09:04 Thomas: It's really...

0:09:02 Eli: Yeah, I would, that's why I tied my dick in a knot internally so that that couldn't happen, and you could tie your dick in and not financially over at patreon.com forward slash dear old dads. And hey, you know what? We never tell you how much money to give us. You throw us a dollar for all all that cool bonus stuff. But what about this month? You give us $800,000. Huh? Wouldn't that be wacky and fun? We'd change the name of the show to be your name, if you want.

0:09:30 Thomas: That's interesting. Yeah.

0:09:34 Tom: Yeah. No.

0:09:35 Eli: To be clear, that's a very real offer. The answer's yes right away. Patreon.com forward slash dear old dads. Dear old Freds.

0:09:36 Tom: Problem at all. Yeah.

0:09:36 Thomas: Dear old you. Yep. Fred Grotheus. Dear old Fred Grothius.

0:09:48 Eli: Rip into it.

0:09:48 Thomas: Wait, do I need to cut that or no?

0:09:51 Eli: I don't know.

0:09:51 Thomas: I don't think he listens.

0:09:52 Eli: Fred can pay me to do literally anything he wants. Nice guy, so it's probably admirable, and if it's not, he's been nice so far. Everybody gets one. If he's like, "Go punch that woman in the face," I'm like, "Alright, you probably got a good reason." I've been wrong about a bunch of shit, Fred.

0:09:54 Thomas: I know. Yeah. Yeah. He's awesome. Yeah. Sure. I couldn't agree more.

0:10:08 Tom: I trust Fred.

0:10:10 Thomas: Oh yeah, for sure.

0:10:10 Eli: You better keep watching though. I'm not doing it more than once.

0:10:18 Ad: [Ad break 1 — ad music]

0:10:19 Tom: This question comes from Jeff. "Hi, Dan. On one episode not too far back, Tom mentioned a passing he had no interest in knowing about his family's history. I was wondering why, and if the same were true of Thomas and Eli. As a hobby, I derive a lot of satisfaction from building and researching my family tree, both the genetics of it and the historical records part of it. I've had good success with my family, true going back centuries, and now with nearly 10,000 relatives, and enjoy working on trees for other people." It's a fantastic hobby. Much of it can be done online. It requires no physical strength or dexterity like so many hobbies. It can be run solo or with organizations that have regular meetings. You can learn great stories about your family for Thanksgiving with the relatives.

0:10:55 Thomas: Yeah, man. You could also do coin collecting. I don't know.

0:10:58 Tom: Like why my great-great-great-grandfather listed as insane on the 1860 census I found his asylum records.

0:10:58 Eli: Not.

0:11:05 Tom: All around, 9 out of 10 hobby. I'd give it a 10 out of 10, but something to note is that the Mormons are into genealogy, so much so that the LDS Church owns some of the best collections of historical documents and online repositories. There is no way to do extensive family research without touching and probably paying the Mormons, which makes me itch. As an aside, each of you have put enough info under the podcast that Family Trees could be done for you. Except for Tom's mom. She's like a ghost. Not yet. Maybe she is a ghost, Kiva.

0:11:04 Thomas: Oh man. Yeah。 It's totally true.

0:11:30 Eli: Yet here's hoping, buddy. Can you do it if you say your name backwards, podcast listener? Is that what will do it? Should go back to her own dimension. Oh,

0:11:31 Tom: Fingers crossed! Hey! My bet is she'll fucking recover. Cover. My bet is that despite the letter, she'll fucking recover. She'll rally from this. Yeah, she'll be just fine. There's still monkeys out there for her to kill

0:11:45 Eli: 100%, she's gonna be

0:11:48 Thomas: It's like Mr. Burns's mom. Who could have guessed you would have pulled through and live for another 30 years?

0:11:55 Tom: All right, so I'm on the record already as not giving a shit about this, but I'm curious where you guys land on the family tree stuff and if you have a family tree that's been

0:12:04 Thomas: I, um, somebody in my, so a couple of things I did want to mention randomly, and this isn't saying much, but my favorite uncle of the two that I've kind of met, uh, just died. Like literally just got a text this morning. Oh, I haven't called my mom back. My mom called me, but I was asleep. I forgot to do that.

0:12:27 Eli: Fine

0:12:24 Tom: Established This is the best. This is

0:12:29 Eli: Hey, can we get your mom on the line so she can explain that you tried your best? Thomas wanted to call me the house. He's in. Have you seen Remy? Someone called her back

0:12:30 Thomas: We, I, I've

0:12:37 Tom: Oh,

0:12:37 Thomas: Got three siblings. There's plenty of, yeah, there's, yeah They did, but, uh, when my mom's mom died, I'll tell you what, as all these other jokes are, I was in fourth or fifth grade and when my grandma died, I was more devastated than most people are for, like, anyone dying. I had a genuinely hard time. I was actually close with my grandma and And she took us to cool stuff and she, I had a hard time.

I remember being at the funeral and crying my eyes out and not understanding like why nobody else was like sobbing. Like I was just like, I couldn't even, I was a wreck. Couldn't understand it. I didn't understand why my cousins who were closer, like lived closer to her who were actually not this young.

So the uncle that just died, didn't have kids, but his, uh, their, you know, their brother obviously was the one that had a couple of kids and they just seemed like they didn't care or something. It was, it was wild to me. So I've been on both ends of this spectrum, but I actually had a relationship with her.

And then once that happened, once my mom died, I guess my mom and her brothers had some argument about the estate or something because, you know, they get into the will talk or something. I think she did have a will, but I don't know if that that made a difference or not.

0:12:42 Tom: My God.

0:12:48 Eli: You kill my mom right now, give you 85 will talk. Hey, did it matter? Did it matter whether or not she had a will? Was maybe something about that will

0:13:55 Thomas: I don'T know. I donT I actually don'T remember what the argument was because there probably was a will. But yeah, they got then they never talked again, pretty much forever. So what happened was my brother had this kind of a relationship, my older brother with with my uncles and like this uncle that just died, took him like camping once. And I remember my brother talking about that forever. And then I just had no relationship with him. I did feel like I was kind of deprived of something a little bit because it was like, hey, I kind of suck that like my brother got to do this cool stuff with a relative. And I don't even know who it is. Like I barely know him. And so that's who just died. And so it's it's been weird because I almost I almost told my brother like, oh, sorry, man. It's like I didn't I didn't know how to react. Sorry for your loss. I don't know.

0:14:39 Eli: Problematic

0:14:39 Tom: Sorry for your loss. It's not mine. Right.

0:14:39 Eli: Sorry, our uncle died Sorry for your loss, to be clear

0:14:44 Thomas: I almost said that he would have thought it was funny, I think. But I'm not. Yeah, I don' t know.

0:14:49 Tom: Jesus Christ.

0:14:50 Eli: Yours. Anyways, I better get going

0:14:50 Thomas: So that just happened. Yeah. Oh man, now if my brother ever called, we talked forever. I like my brother, but then we just forget to talk to each other for years. This time, no. Um, but the point is, so I did have somebody in the family did a family tree. I don't remember who, because I would have to know who my family was was to know that, but it was interesting. I found it interesting because then I got to learn about Alvin Stymers, who I told, I told you guys about last time we talked about this. It was a Civil War guy who did something. Was an engineer on the Monitor of the Merrimack, I think. It was the, whichever one was the good one. It

0:14:55 Eli: Pretty busy not being on the phone anymore. Hey, while I got you, will you call Mom back? Her brother died or something. I don't fucking, I don't fucking care. She did her best. She sat on his oxygen fucking tube and forgot to get up Yeah

0:15:42 Tom: Was there a good one?

0:15:42 Eli: Oh, that's

0:15:44 Thomas: Was like my dad's relative of some kind, and, uh, I thought that That was kind of cool.

0:15:48 Eli: Fucking awesome. I see, that's the problem with being Jewish is all of it. It's just like, well, we ran away from this place and it was very bad. We did not all make it. Very slow runners. And so my brother, he was dead, or in the case of my family. So first of all, let me say this, podcast listener, teach me your ways, please, because I fucking love genealogy, but I'm too stupid, because the thing that this podcast listener doesn't point out is it requires a steadfastness, a steady hand, a steady mind that That I do not possess.

0:15:51 Thomas: Hmm. Yeah. Oh, no. Oh, God.

0:16:15 Thomas: Hmm. Hmm.

0:16:23 Eli: So I go on and I'm like. I'm going to do my family's genealogy. Did I tell you guys about the photos. Two thanksgivings ago.

0:16:29 Thomas: Hmm. God.

0:16:30 Tom: No, I don't think so.

0:16:30 Eli: Oh it's fucking amazing. So two thanksgivers ago. I love my family. The extended family on my dad's side. His sister right. I fucking love those people. I get to sit down with that family. And they pull out these photo albums. Of my dad'S bar mitzvah. And we go through. And there are. 50 photos. Photos of people I have never heard of is incredible.

0:16:47 Thomas: Oh, that sounds like my experience with the family. Yeah.

0:16:58 Eli: I've never heard any of these, but here's the thing. My family talks, right? The difference is like, right. Like your mom could pull out a picture of her. Right. And you'd be like, I don't know that lady. And she'd be like, it's me. And he'd be likes, yeah, she tried her best.

0:16:58 Tom: Oh, God, this sounds terrible.

0:17:01 Thomas: Yeah. Oh, yeah. You have a reason to feel more guilt over this. Yeah. It's me yesterday. Yeah.

0:17:12 Eli: It's a selfie I took just now. I wanted to know if I could post it on Facebook, but me and my family talk all the time. So what we had had to do. And again, I love my family. They are wonderful people. I brought them all around and I was like, okay, who are these people? And then all the older people kind of mad at me. They were like, oh, that was a cousin or something. And I was, like, what do you mean or something? We're related to this person? So, yeah. So, so, yeah, I have this photo album. I kept it. I was literally like, can I have it? And they were like, sure. We don't know any of the people in it.

0:17:13 Tom: Yeah.

0:17:14 Thomas: Yeah. Oh, No, no, I, I hear them. I hear them. I'm with them on...

0:17:47 Eli: And, And I kept it and I, and look again, this is the problem with, cause I know this podcast listener, this podcast listener would be like, well, you didn't check mormonlove .org. Cause that's got all the deep use. Yeah. Go on the websites and they'll do it. I fucking spent, I cannot tell you how many hours being like, dear Siri, who is this?

0:17:47 Thomas: This. Sure. Somebody else's photos. Yeah, whatever. Yeah, I was gonna say, just go on the websites, they got all the stuff. Oh.

0:18:10 Tom: No.

0:18:10 Eli: And fucking Glass Eye and all these. I'm sure I just poured my genetic information into the repositories of the internet, and all I got back was like, "Jew, looks like a Jew to me." It's just fucking... but yeah, I love that stuff. I love that genealogy stuff, because not only do I love my family, they have an interesting story. It's always a bummer, right, because Jews, but we also have a black sheep of the family. Have I told you guys about this? Yeah. So there's, yeah.

0:18:21 Thomas: God. Oh.

0:18:34 Thomas: That's not you.

0:18:37 Tom: Well, wait a minute. Is this the guy that got, like, punched and then everybody excommunicated?

0:18:40 Eli: So, Danny Bosnick, my grandfather's brother, was a part of the regular family until he tried to kiss my aunt on the mouth one, like, Christmas or Thanksgiving. So my grandfather and, um, my grandmother's words, not mine, beat the shit out of him, threw him onto the front lawn, and said, "The next time I see you better be never," which was kind of his catchphrase. He loved saying that to people.

0:18:41 Thomas: Oh yeah, okay.

0:18:41 Tom: From their family or whatever. Sure.

0:18:51 Thomas: Wow.

0:19:06 Thomas: Oh, really? I was gonna say, because otherwise that's a, that's the thing, that's a hell of a one to just just think up.

0:19:07 Tom: Yeah. So just, hard Monago, just a hard...

0:19:10 Eli: We never saw him again. Hard Monaco.

0:19:14 Tom: Monaco. Yeah, right. Yeah, gotcha.

0:19:14 Eli: Yeah, he got a call from Danny Bosnick's daughter, like six years later, being like, "Danny had a heart attack in a hotel room." Turns out he killed himself. She was like, "Danny had an accident. Danny had heart attack in a motel room," and he said, "Okay," and hung up the phone in true Tom Curry fashion. "Okay." Click. So there's this whole other side of the family. This is the Facebook. Do you guys get the Facebook reach-outs?

0:19:14 Thomas: Oh, geez.

0:19:38 Thomas: Uh, no. Nah.

0:19:39 Tom: Uh, what do you mean? From, like, family members or whatever?

0:19:40 Eli: From family members who would be like, "Hey, just so you know, I'm your long distant..." The person who is the family tree in their family is doing that on Facebook, right? And they reach out.

0:19:49 Thomas: I just don't have family, I guess. I don't know. I don't think so.

0:19:53 Eli: I emerged from a pod. So what will happen is a relative of Danny Bosnick's will reach out every, I'm going to say, 10 years to my family. Tom wishes he had the misfortune of any of Danny Posnick. Makes me drag me to hell is just making sequels in the lives of every Danny Bosnick fan because they'll reach out and I'm I don't fucking care that your grandfather kissed my hand you know everyone's makes mistakes and your genetics are in there whatever so they're like hey I'm Danny Bosnick's grandniece and I'M LIKE AWESOME TELL ME ABOUT YOUR FAMILY I 'LL TELL YOU ABOUT MINE SHE'S LIKE YEAH I'M FILLING OUT THE CHART DO YOU MIND FILLIN OUT THIS BECAUSE THERE'S LIKE A GOOGLE FORM THEY SEND YOU I THINK IT'S ANCESTRY .COM IT'S ONE OF THOSE LIKE BIG WEBSITES THEY

0:20:00 Thomas: Oh no. Oh.

0:20:15 Tom: Yeah,

0:20:33 Thomas: Oh this is a scam. Okay. You're getting scared now. What's your social? Yeah. No. Yeah. All that stuff.

0:20:35 Eli: SENT YOU THE THING AND THEY'RE LIKE WHO ARE ALL THE PEOPLE AND YOU FILL IT OUT AND THEY CAN and do the thing your social security number mother's maiden name

0:20:40 Tom: Right. Are they teaching you about cryptocurrency? Because I think that's not, yeah.

0:20:42 Eli: So you fill out all the family members that you know and then they will always in the danny bosnick

0:20:47 Thomas: I'm sorry. I was just imagining me getting the fill out all the family members. You know, fuck, uh, what's my name? Uh, there's a, uh, person when I was little that I don't know. I got nothing. I, can, maybe can I put my

0:20:53 Tom: Yeah.

0:20:54 Eli: Situation I got lo loquisha ronnie fobers arlo arlo's the best just write down arlo I love that guy he's the fucking

0:21:10 Thomas: Kids? Yeah, I can barely get my immediate family, possibly. Oh man, that is so funny. I could not name a one.

0:21:12 Tom: Is there any way to fill this out on a Nintendo Switch? I could fill it out on an Nintendo Switch.

0:21:16 Eli: Best can you go to my son's zelda account and just sort of look up based on that who every one of my family is but then they will always come back to me with the saddest short and or long stories right because it's always like a 10 degrees of separation they'll be like hey and I'll be like oh cool last time I heard from denise and they'll go oh Oh, and I'm like, what? And they're like, Denise got murdered. And I'm, like, What?

0:21:44 Thomas: Oh, my God.

0:21:44 Eli: And they were, like Yeah, alternate universe Denise Stepped through a portal And stabbed her in the heart And then she got sucked Into the negative zone And her son was on meth For some reason the whole time Yeah,

0:21:58 Thomas: Yeah,

0:21:59 Tom: Are we related? I feel like we're related. Yeah. Yeah.

0:22:00 Thomas: That is Tom's family. What are you talking about? Or Tom's, yeah.

0:22:00 Eli: Exactly. Well, and here's the other thing, too. The thing that's weird about the Danny Bosnick family is that it mirrors ours in a bunch of different ways. Like, there's a bunch of teachers in there, there's a librarian in there. There are writers in there. The kids in my generation, one of them is an actor. It feels like there is just a dark mirror family out there desperately trying to make their way through the world, because my grandfather, like, slipped the unlucky stone into his brother's pocket while he threw him off the front porch. Something like that. But yeah, I think that stuff is super duper cool.

0:22:09 Thomas: Ooh.

0:22:31 Thomas: Yeah. That's funny. I think it is, too. Here's the funny thing. I think is, two. I actually think it's really interesting, but I'm not going to do it. I find it cool in the same way that it's like history. History, you know, I feel no connection to it at all. Cause it's not for one is I have no connection to it, you Know, but even if I did, yeah, it's like, I don't see any value in like, oh, we happen to be related. There's nothing that that means. And what I mean by that is like, if I have a family member, yeah. If I, if I have a Family member who did something cool, that's not me. I didn't do it. It's kind of cool that I like it in the same way. I like history where it's Like, if someone said, I said, oh, they came over on the fucking, you know, one of the ships.

0:22:51 Eli: It's because of how disconnected I am.

0:22:53 Tom: Yeah,

0:23:00 Eli: Thomas, are you reading from the inside of your birthday card to your mom?

0:23:16 Tom: I...

0:23:16 Thomas: So the pilgrims. I'd be like, that's cool. Nice.

0:23:17 Eli: Pretty sure there was ships involved.

0:23:18 Tom: They wrote a pilgrim here. Is that how that works, right? Which is the good shit.

0:23:20 Thomas: From Santa Maria. I don't know. What are they again? Something.

0:23:23 Eli: None of them are good ships. That's a very important thing to remember.

0:23:23 Tom: Pinto beans or something like that.

0:23:25 Thomas: That's true. They were not.

0:23:27 Eli: There wasn't a, like, cool guy's ship.

0:23:31 Thomas: The chill pilgrim ship.

0:23:32 Eli: Yeah.

0:23:33 Tom: The SS chill and cool. We're on the SS chill and cool. It's fine.

0:23:38 Tom: This is the first time I think like Thomas, perfect and hard agree.

0:23:39 Thomas: Stupid. What?

0:23:43 Tom: Like I'm in the same boat. Like I care really genuinely. Like I, I care about you if I care about you, but if you're just like somebody who happens to have the same last name or something, something family tree, like I, I feel no greater sense of connection to that than if you were like, Hey, here's a story about some other entirely random person. It's like, well, if it's a great story, cool. Yeah. But like, I don't feel connected to it. Like it's like a cool story is a cool cool story, but it doesn't seem like it's my story or like, it's like, oh, I want to find out about my ancestors. My dad did all that stuff.

0:23:43 Thomas: Oh, wow.

0:24:02 Thomas: Yeah. Yeah. But sometimes that story's cool, yeah, exactly. Yeah, exactly, yeah. Yeah. That's surprising.

0:24:18 Tom: He did the genealogy chart. He gave me a genealogy chart. You wanted to find out like when our family like came to America or whatever. And he made one and he gave me one. I don't know where it is. No, he is not hardcore MAGA at all.

0:24:26 Thomas: Oh, it's because he's hardcore MAGA and he's like, are we part of the... No, I'm just kidding.

0:24:30 Eli: He does.

0:24:32 Tom: Of most not MAGA.

0:24:32 Eli: He says it all the time. He wants to make sure that there's no darkened blood in the line. His words, not mine. That's what he always says. Turns

0:24:32 Thomas: Yeah.

0:24:37 Tom: Like, oh good Lord. He has absolutely no, no, nope. Listeners. No. That I will say that, like, with this stuff going on with my mom, I had my... I think I mentioned before, I had my stepfather's brother who's no relation to me. Right. He's not really my stepdad anymore. Divorce, like, severs that. But, like, he reached out to me on Facebook years ago and I did have a chitchat with him back and forth. And he's like, oh, yeah, like, here's what's going on. And it's like a fucking episode of 48 Hours. Like, there's, like, cold cases and murders and suicides. And, like, I looked some of that stuff up out of curiosity and I read it through, some of it, and then I was like

0:25:14 Eli: Out, I did a bunch of

0:25:14 Tom: Yeah, yeah, right.

0:25:16 Thomas: You went to the Reddit thread that's like... No, actually, the Adnan's innocent one and that of your family equivalent. Yeah.

0:25:21 Tom: Like I, I looked through and I red, like, part of a court record of, you know, like the murder trial of, in my... It was crazy, like, as there's crazy shit. There was, like, literally a cold case solved with DNA 30 years later and, like, crazy stuff, right? Yeah, and it was, they got me, I'm recording from jail. But, like, it's interesting, because it was interesting, but, like, I didn't feel any sense of, like, connection to it. I'm like, yeah, like, I haven't seen my fucking stepbrother or whatever since I was six years old. It's been 42 years. That dude's nobody to me, you know?

0:25:29 Thomas: Oh, my God. And it was you. Yeah. Yeah.

0:25:56 Thomas: A not small part of it might be, and this is this, let's go with me on this. My name's Smith. So everyone's name is Smith. There wasn't ever a sense of like, whoa, you're a Smith. I'm a Smith, you know?

0:26:05 Tom: Well, that's true. Right.

0:26:07 Thomas: So like, that's a, that's a kind of a part of it. There isn't any, oh, okay. Someone else named Smith. That's fucking nothing. Everybody's that.

0:26:14 Tom: I mean, I feel like it'S FIGHTING OUT SOMEBODY HAS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND YOU'RE LIKE, like, yeah, that's nothing, you know? It's like, that is fucking nothing.

0:26:17 Thomas: Yeah. Yeah. It would be kind of interesting if you had a really unique name and you're like, whoa, another Smoggers burger? No way. That's like Smith. I don't fucking, yeah. Yeah. Nothing.

0:26:26 Tom: But I think, like, part of it, though, might be just, like... I am listening to Eli, and Eli has always had this, like real connection with his family. His family, his extended family, like, they are not just, like, strangers on a piece of paper. They are people that have been a part of his life. So I can see why finding out about another family member would be like, oh, yeah. That is somebody that, like maybe I would have loved or would have known about or would love somebody somebody that I love in turn I don't know like I DON'T REALLY HAVE ANY CONNECTION AT ALL TO MY EXTENDED FAMILY I DON'T KNOW HOW TO REACH MOST OF THEM I DON'T EVEN KNOW SOME OF THEIR LAST NAMES YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN LIKE THESE ARE NOTHING PEOPLE LIKE THEY'RE NOT ANYTHING

0:26:36 Thomas: Yeah. Yeah.

0:27:00 Thomas: Yeah. Oh, I think that in the cultural thing is so huge. Like, I can't imagine being only one generation removed from the Holocaust, essentially. I imagine you would keep a lot more track of your family, whereas this white privileged people are like, oh, whatever. Who knows? Yeah.

0:27:09 Tom: RIGHT

0:27:12 Eli: Them It's fine. We're probably fine.

0:27:16 Tom: WELL ALSO LIKE I THINK IF YOUR FAMILY HAS BEEN PROBLEMATIC YOU KNOW LIKE LIKE I'M NOT KEEPING TRACK OF THESE PEOPLE YOU KNOW I'M JUST GRATEFUL I WILL SAY LIKE ON MY MOM'S SIDE I JUST LIKE WHEN I READ these stories as fucking 48 hours episode shit. I'm like, yeah, I'm just glad I got out of there.

0:27:24 Eli: Like Tom's dad.

0:27:25 Thomas: Yeah.

0:27:34 Eli: Yep, sounds right. So

0:27:35 Thomas: I don't think. Do they call Florida man problematic? It's like not the right word for it, you know.

0:27:36 Tom: You know, I'M JUST LIKE, THAT'S THE ONLY, THE ONLY SENSE OF CONNECTION I HAVE IS A GRATEFULNESS THAT I AM NOT CONNECTED. RIGHT? LIKE I HAVE A VAGUE SORT OF SENSE THAT LIKE, OH, GLAD I GOT THE FUCK OUT OF THERE. YEAH, MAN. LIKE, FUCK THAT. LIKE I EITHER KNOW SOMEBODY OR I DON'T KNOW SOMEONE AND I DON'T, I GUESS I FEEL LIKE THE GENEALOGY STUFF TO ME FEELS

0:27:46 Thomas: You know, you do. So you do your family tree to just, like, check off, like, okay, thank God. All right. Hmm. Yeah.

0:28:00 Tom: LIKE PRETENDING personally it feels like pretending there's a connection that isn't actually there because you kind of wish that there was or I don't know I don'T KNOW WHAT IT IS IT DOESN'T CONNECT TO ME IN ANY WAY IT FEELS LIKE OH THIS IS MY 17TH COUSIN SIX TIMES REMOVED AND I'M LIKE THAT'S A FUCKING STRANGER THAT DIED A HUNDRED YEARS BEFORE YOU LIVED I DON'T GET THE CONNECTION I DONT UNDERSTAND HOW THAT'S ANYTHING

0:28:25 Eli: Here's my question for this podcast listener, podcast listener: is there a way for me to pay a pervert to do this work for me?

0:28:33 Tom: A

0:28:32 Thomas: Dude. Yeah, the websites, the websites are good. Yeah, that's why I'm so confused. Huh, that's so

0:28:34 Eli: No, because you think I didn't try the websites, Thomas? I tried the websites. Websites were like, here's you and your dad. I knew about me. Yeah. Sometimes they're like, did you know you lived in New York for a little bit? And I'm like, yeah, I knew that.

0:28:51 Thomas: Weird.

0:28:52 Eli: And that's the other thing too, right? It's like, it's like being like, well, you could just go on eBay and buy a bunch of stamps. Yeah, or I could talk to a stamp pervert. You know what I'm saying?

0:28:52 Thomas: Right.

0:28:52 Tom: PERVERT

0:28:59 Thomas: No, that's a good point. I do see that. Yeah, you have to go talk to a Mormon. Yeah, I get you

0:29:00 Tom: Right yeah

0:29:04 Eli: I'll talk to him. I love Mormons.

0:29:04 Thomas: Dude, the Mormons, they have, they, that is a true fact. They've got everything. Yeah. Oh,

0:29:07 Tom: They've got this shit on lock

0:29:09 Eli: Mormons are my villain turn. Have I told you guys this? So when Noah dies, me and Heath are becoming Mormon and we're going to do a Mormon. Yeah. He already looks great.

0:29:12 Thomas: You're gonna be a Mormon. Wow. Heath looks Mormone.

0:29:12 Tom: Wait what oh I like it

0:29:20 Thomas: Yeah. Ah, okay. You're going to be royalty.

0:29:20 Eli: I'm an ex Jew. So they're, then they love Jews. They love to be Jews. So I'm going to be, yes, exactly. We're going to do like a standup comedy show and we'll do a standup comedy show. And we're gonna be those. What's that guy who writes all the books that aren't very good. Oh, everyone's going to hate me for saying that. So I can't say his name. There's a Mormon who's a fantasy author. He writes 8 billion books a year and he is like a woke Mormon. So every so often they call him and they're like, Hey, you want to give us a trillion dollars? And he's like, I don't know, are gay people real? And they're like, gay people are real. Brandis Anderson, that's the one. Yeah, exactly. We're

0:29:33 Thomas: Oof. Uh, could be a lot of people. I think I know who is that? Yeah. Yeah.

0:29:51 Tom: Right brandon sanderson okay took me a

0:29:55 Eli: Gonna be woke Mormons. It's gonna be great.

0:30:02 Ad: [Ad break 2 — ad music]

0:30:05 Eli: See, the problem is, so this is why, let's talk about our villain turns for a second, because, like, I can't do anti-woke, because when Thomas and I were trying to change their minds, we would get on Skype calls beforehand and they'd be regular people who then got into character, which was just too psychotic. Like I can't, I can be like Joseph Smith. I can'T be like, sorry, give me one second. The white race.

0:30:12 Thomas: Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

0:30:31 Thomas: No, yeah, no.

0:30:31 Eli: Like, I can't, I can't shift that hard in one direction or another. I think Mormonism is just enough bullshit that I can buy into because it's so obviously, and you guys, maybe you don't have this experience. When you are forced in my life, In my life, when I am forced to say something a little untrue, I find it difficult. Not impossible. Well, okay, whatever, fucking Horatio Sands.

0:30:51 Thomas: I just don't do it. I don't know what you're talking about. What?

0:31:02 Thomas: What, what does that mean? What the fuck? What word are you, name are you going

0:31:03 Tom: Second

0:31:03 Eli: Horatios Sands, famous truth teller, Horatius Sands... I don't know where it came from, it just came... Horatiosa Sands are the words of... Here's the thing. Things that are just a little undue, I have a hard time saying. But if something's crazy untrue, it glides off the tongue. And so I'm not saying that anti -wokeness is just a little untrue. I think it's probably less true than Mormonism is because Joseph Smith, I don't know, existed. But I feel like there's so exactly right. It's more plausible that James Damore had some great points about women's genetics

0:31:07 Tom: I don't know what's happening right now

0:31:16 Thomas: For? You're fine. You're fine with it. Yeah. Yeah.

0:31:31 Thomas: No, it's way more plausible than fucking Mormonism. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

0:31:44 Thomas: I mean, in fairness, it is. Yeah.

0:31:41 Tom: Yeah jesus christ

0:31:41 Eli: Than an angel came down from heaven. Not a lot more plausible, not a lot more plausible, but technically more plausible. And there's something about one, I already know all the lore, right, which is exciting. So exactly. Yeah, I don't have to do a lot of homework and I can just, I can just dive in with both feet, which I think will be really fun. Sure.

0:31:54 Thomas: Yeah, yeah. You can get into it like D&D. It's like it's yeah.

0:31:55 Tom: That makes it easy yeah there's not a lot of homework to do left yeah right Right. Right.

0:32:04 Thomas: I think the genealogy stuff is kind of cool. But to me, it's like any other hobby. And I have a million hobbies I don't have time for. You know, it'S like, oh, yeah, it'S kind of COOL. That'S a kind of coOL thing that I would do if I had nothing else to do.

0:32:17 Tom: Yeah. I wouldn't do it if it were free and easy. Like there's no way I would do.

0:32:21 Thomas: Well, sorry, Tom.

0:32:21 Tom: I just like, no, I wouldn't. Look, I just want to also like acknowledge how ridiculously not into that. Like I would never have a hobby that required me to have a login.

0:32:22 Thomas: By "do it," I mean go on the website that does it for me. I'm not doing

0:32:22 Eli: Did

0:32:35 Tom: Like I'm not logging into something. I'm NOT sitting in front of my computer being like, like, this is my hobby. No, no, no. No. I would never have a hobby.

0:32:35 Thomas: Anything. What the What are you talking about? Like, what, how, what are you talking about? I log into my life every day. Like, I don't even know what. Okay. Okay. All right. It, oh my

0:32:40 Eli: Don't you know that Tom's a fucking crazy person, Thomas?

0:32:47 Eli: Let him cook. Yeah, no, let him cook, cuz this is gonna get so much crazier than you think it is, Thomas, but you gotta open the road.

0:32:55 Tom: My interest level in sitting in front of a computer as a thing to do for recreation is beyond zero. Like, it's lower than zero. I am not, that is not interesting to me. Like as soon as I'm like, no, I'm not doing it. Not doing it, no, no. I would get fucking itchy, man. Like, I just like, as soon it's like, like, all right, we'll sit down and like, I'm not doing that. No.

0:33:01 Thomas: God.

0:33:06 Eli: I feel like Tom would like Baldur's Gate 3. I feel like if we could put him down in front of a computer that was running Baldur's Gate 3. He wouldn't.

0:33:06 Thomas: Man, what?

0:33:17 Thomas: Do you, what do you do, what, what things are there to do that's not on computers? I don't understand. Whoa, no.

0:33:25 Tom: Wait, what? What is there to do that's not on their computer? Yeah.

0:33:26 Eli: Do you know about that guy who can't see screens? This. Yeah. So there was this guy. He had a form of psychosis. His name is Tom Curry. He was a guy who could not see screens. On screens, like the object of a television, he wasn't able to watch television because he was like, I'm staring at a screen.

0:33:46 Eli: I'm staring at, like, he got this obsessive thought where he just couldn't follow what was going on in the television and sort of make the screen disappear. It was, he described it as sort of like trying to stare at a tape measure and waiting for the show to start. Right. I think that's what Tom has. That's

0:33:46 Thomas: Yeah, that's Interesting. Huh. Yeah.

0:33:59 Tom: Yeah. All right. I can see That happening, yeah. No, I just, I get too antsy, like, I like, if I'm, if I've got something that's a hobby, I probably want to move my body around. Like, I love to cook. Cooking is fun.

0:34:08 Thomas: You're constantly running from the demon that's dragging you to hell. Yeah.

0:34:12 Eli: True. Yeah. Walking Tom.

0:34:12 Tom: I've never had a hobby that's been like, "Yeah, I'm gonna sit still for a while in front of the computer." Like, I would, know, I would rather kill myself. No, I read, that's the only other thing. No, yeah, I mean, there's a sense of purpose.

0:34:16 Thomas: Oh man, I was born to just sit still.

0:34:17 Eli: Has it ever occurred to you that you would enjoy Cormac McCarthy's The Road? I know you don't want bad things to happen to your family members, but assuming your family isn't in the picture, have you ever really sat with how cool and chill you would like The Road? Cormac McCarthy's The Road is a sad book about post-apocalypse, this guy running around with his son trying to survive. And, and, and the joyful Toms and the joyful Tobs he runs along. Well, it depends if you're Tom. It's a great book. If you're Tom and not that guy or his son, you're having a great time. Oh,

0:34:25 Thomas: What, what is that? I don't get what this is.

0:34:40 Thomas: What is that, are you gonna explain that, or, oh yeah, Tom, Tom would love that. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

0:34:48 Tom: Right. It's pretty much the saddest possible thing. Yeah, it's the saddest book. That's the saddest fucking book I've ever read. I actually recommended, I recommended that book to a buddy of mine who is notoriously like takes forever to actually start anything. So it's like, hey, did you read it? No. I drew a year or so goes by, he still hasn't read it, another year goes by, he has a child and then decides now's the time, I'm going to pick it up. So I want to be clear, I did not recommend that book for him when he had his first infant daughter. And then he had as inventory, he's like, I think I'll pick up that book Tom's been recommending for two years. And it's hard. It's a hard one. Oops. Oops.

0:35:19 Thomas: Uh,

0:35:20 Eli: No, my bad, my bad, my bad. It's like if someone has like dealt with suicide or suicidality and self-harm, they just can't read A Little Life, right? Like, it's a great book. It's well written. But everyone I know who has actually like touched that darkness, who starts to read A Little Life is like, fuck, this is the opposite of it. It's the opposite of an SSRI.

0:36:00 Eli: Holy shit. They make a depression pill and it's this book.

0:36:04 Eli: You read it and then the feelings crawl inside your brain. I have a friend who's, you know, we have always related on being sort of fellow depressives and like it's, it's, and I'm gonna say something stereotypical because I don't mean it, so here it's a very girl book, right? Like a lot of women are being told like, oh my god, this is a woman's book, you have to read it, which by the way, fucking weird pitch, right? To be like, oh, trust me, this book fucking sucks, it's all about how badly treated these people are, you will love it because of your chromosomes.

0:36:00 Thomas: Oh

0:36:31 Tom: Jesus Christ.

0:36:33 Thomas: No.

0:36:33 Eli: But she was like, hey, you read this, right? Should I read it? And I was like, if you have a copy, I will come to your house and burn it. You may not read this book. You do not have permission.

0:36:39 Tom: Yeah. Whenever I see somebody reading Cormac McCarthy, I'm like, before you get, go ahead and read All the Pretty Horses. That's great. Awesome. Go and read it. Terrific book. Let's read it, but before you venture out, you should call me. Like, I've read a lot of Cormack McCarthy, and like, I don't recommend most of it. Like there's a lot lot of it I'm like no we don't we don'T DO BLOOD MERIDIAN like maybe don't read that one maybe stop there don't don't do that don't please don't DO THAT yeah

0:37:03 Eli: No, no. The thing that's weird about Cormac McCarthy, having read a fair amount of it over the years, is every Cormac McCarthy book I start, I, Eli, know that they're all sad. And yet I go into it and I go, maybe this one's going to be okay. Maybe in this one, everyone's going to have a cool, chill time. And they never do. They never have a cool chill time. All

0:37:25 Tom: Maybe it'll be the nope a cool chill

0:37:39 Ad: [Ad break 3 — ad music]

0:37:41 Eli: Right, gentlemen, we got a little bit of extra time, so, uh, anything else on the genealogy, or should I regale you with a little tale now? Usually we save, um, parenting stories for our bonus extras, but I got a slightly longer one here and I sort of wanted to get your thoughts on it. So the other night, Anna's out at a gig, uh, Max is at the babysitter's, and while he's at the babysitter's, he eats approximately, and I'm just estimating based on the after effects, 297 packets of Welch's gummies. He

0:37:47 Tom: Time regalus with the tail my friend

0:38:10 Eli: Then proceeds, to according to the sitter, jump up and down on the bed, which is something He loves to do, like, one of, I don't want to say it's a stim, because I don't think it's actually a stim, I think he just likes to jump up and down when he plays video games or watches TV. He likes to bounce on whatever he's watching. We have a trampoline, that's the only thing he won't bounce on, but couch, all day every day, he's all all about it. Can't get enough couch to bounce on. So he's bouncing up and down, gets home with me, and, like, the minute I pick him up, he's being weird. He comes to me and I'm like, hey buddy, did you have fun? And when he goes to his sitters, he's like, so much fun, I love this, and then we did that, it's awesome. And so he is like, I'm tired, and I am like

0:38:11 Tom: Oh my god likes doing it Yeah right Uh oh Yeah

0:38:51 Eli: Kids only say that when they are sick, so I'm like, alright buddy, let's go. We get into the car, I buckle him in, he is like, I'm carsick. And I'm like, well, not from being buckled in, you're not carsick. So we go into the house, and I'm, like, all right, buddy, and the first thing that happens when we're done with the sitters every single time is we begin the 19-phase negotiations of what time he's going to go to bed. He sits down at his end of the long table, slides across a piece of paper that says July.

0:39:01 Thomas: Yeah.

0:39:19 Eli: I slide a piece of paper across, says 10 minutes. We go back and forth. None of that. He just heads up the stairs. I'm like, this gets fucking sick. So we go in, we sit on the potty. I'm, like, do you want, so the other thing he does is he plays map game. Yeah, we set on the party together.

0:39:20 Thomas: Yeah yeah.

0:39:21 Tom: Uh oh It's nice that you both sit on it, you know? That's good, yeah. Family time.

0:39:37 Thomas: Yeah.

0:39:37 Eli: What we do is sort of the, you have to imagine the Venetian sore, right? We just sort of, we interlock our legs. So he sits on the patty, and what happens during potty time every night is he plays with Google Maps on my phone because autism. Autism. And so I'm like, buddy, do you want some map game? And he sort of takes it out and does a little, no, no map game. And I'm like, okay, you're, you're sick. And I'm like you feeling okay? He's like my tummy. And I'm, like, okay buddy. All right. Go to brush his teeth. I can't. And, I'm, Like, all right, but let's, let's just, like brush, I brush a single tooth. I swipe across it with a toothbrush. Like, let me know if you need anything. We do stories.

It seems like he's feeling a little bit better. Then he calls me, right? And And he calls me once or twice a night. We were sort of negotiating through that, right? Calls me and he's like, I'm going to throw up. And I'm like, all right, buddy, let's go throw up in the toilet. And he does, which is interesting because I didn't know.

0:39:54 Tom: Uh oh.

0:39:54 Thomas: Oh,

0:40:32 Tom: Good for him.

0:40:32 Eli: We've never done that negotiation before, right. We've never been like, go throw in the bathroom. Throw up in toilet, right, he's thrown up extensively once in his life. It was when him and his mom were on a trip. We have never negotiated throwing up before. But I'm, like, let go throw open the toilet, so he goes, throws up in the toilet and can I say, this is going to be a little bit icky, so So forgive me if you have whatever that thing is where you can't hear about throwing up. Fast forward 11 years or whatever it is you need to fast forward. First time, can I say, nails it. Olympic level accuracy. Just directly bullseye. I'm like, fucking great. But again, then, and this is where I noticed that it's all gummies. This is where I noticed that he's he's vomiting gummies like some kind of fantasy creature. Right. Like a real world. My little pony has gone horribly wrong.

0:40:55 Tom: Being alive. Yeah.

0:41:11 Tom: Oh no, oh.

0:41:11 Thomas: No.

0:41:20 Tom: No.

0:41:21 Eli: Then for the second one, he sticks his hand in the stream because he's, he's just curious, right? To be fair, kid's thrown up twice, you know, two separate sessions of vomiting. The second time, food comes out the other way, you're going to be like, fuck's going on here on the ranch, sticks his hand into him, so it just gets all over the bathroom floor. It gets on his hand, he doesn't like that, so he turns away, vomits all over the floor, does all this stuff. I get him cleaned up, I do do everything we can, get him back into bed, go straight to bed. Luckily, he doesn't get any on himself. How awesome was that? Right?

0:41:26 Tom: Ever You're

0:41:27 Thomas: Oh, no.

0:41:37 Tom: Right, yeah. Oh God.

0:41:38 Thomas: Oh, no. Oh, no.

0:41:46 Tom: Yeah. Uh, no, no, no, to

0:41:55 Thomas: Oh, just all over you.

0:41:57 Eli: So I don't have to, yeah, no, all over me, but that's fine. I don't fucking care. So I get him all into bed. Instantly falls asleep. Feels better. He just needed to get those gummies out of his system. And so I'm standing in this bathroom about knee height in gummies and vomit. And there's this interesting moment I had where I was like, oh, I want to talk about this because as those of you who've been in my home can testify, I'm not a good cleaner.

0:41:57 Thomas: You're just like dripping. Yeah.

0:42:09 Tom: This Yeah.

0:42:20 Thomas: Oh, yeah.

0:42:20 Eli: I don't clean anything. And so now, and the truth of the matter is, right, I've always had like a series of excuses in my head about why I'm not a clean cleaner. And look, everybody does this, right? About the things that they should take care of that they don't. They're like, I'M NOT A CLEANER. My solution is literally like, I'm NOT A CLINER. I'M TOO BUSY BEING A GENIUS. In case you're wondering what level of psychopathy I'm running on, right? But it's literally something like, I'm so busy writing Carl the Puckapuckacorn sketches that I can't possibly... Oh, I was doing my own voice. Are you kidding? You're never, I am too busy being a genius. You're like, and the fucking piece of shit, I should just have cleaned

0:42:25 Tom: So we put the house up for sale.

0:42:51 Thomas: Don't do my voice when you're doing that. Oh, okay.

0:43:02 Eli: That up. I'll say, look, there are a lot of excuses that Thomas Smith will offer for why he didn't do a thing. I'm too much of a genius? No, not a flaw of the the Smiths. So I'm like, okay, well, I got to do this now. And I've got to do it right. Because one, I don't want Anna to have to come home to a bunch of vomit and clean a bunch of vomit, but also it'll make everybody sick, right? If I don'T clean this right and do this properly, people will get sick. People will get vomit on their hands and vomit during, I DON'T KNOW IF HE HAS A FLU.

0:43:02 Thomas: Yeah. Thank you. No, that's not one of them.

0:43:33 Eli: Like I got TO DO THIS CORRECTLY. So, I go downstairs and I, I come upstairs and I cleaned, I cleaned the shit out of it. Fucking clean the shower came up, she was like, which bathroom? That's how clean I got the bathroom. She did not know which bathroom he had vomited in. The faint scent of bleach was the only hint that there had been vomit in the first place. And it just occurred to me, like, that's the kind of stuff that parenting does, is you have to kind of get out of your own bit for a second, right? Because the not cleaning thing is just me doing a bit about myself where I'm like, I don't clean because... and then my son threw up and I was like, all right, well, you gotta stop being that kind of asshole for a

0:43:34 Thomas: Right. No way.

0:44:13 Eli: Second and clean some vomited up gummies. And I was wondering if you guys have had that experience, or if I'm just a brilliant father in every way. Maybe eight hundred thousand dollars should be donated to our Patreon as some sort of offering. Exactly.

0:44:13 Thomas: Yeah. Oh, man.

0:44:28 Thomas: Reward for being a dad. Man, I can't think of I'm trying to think. I'm sure I have. I'm sure I've had. Yeah, it's funny how it definitely gives you the inspiration to try to be better or different at times, you know, and I probably have that socially where I'm like, oh, fuck. Okay. All right, Arlo, we got to learn that person's name. That's what we should do.

0:44:42 Eli: Yeah.

0:44:52 Thomas: That's, that's what the human folk do. I have done that.

0:44:52 Tom: I will say, like, Haley has a very low, she's one of those people that you were talking about before, very low tolerance for vomit. Like, just probably listening to this episode, she's probably turned this off. Yeah, she's not. So when we got a knock on vomit, you got to knock on wood. So that's, that's Haley. That's a very, very accurate, strange

0:45:05 Eli: Superstitious about it. Tom, you're not allowed to vomit. That's my impression of Hayley, everybody, in case you're wondering. Yeah. Yep.

0:45:19 Thomas: Dead on.

0:45:20 Tom: Impression. Well, when we first like put the kids together to meet each other, we I'd rented a house down in St. Louis, kind of like neutral territory. We spent a week in this like Airbnb big house that I rented and like did St. St. Louis shit just because it was like kind of in the middle and, uh, Donovan got sick like in the middle of the trip. He got, he got stomach sick and it was like, well, I'm just gonna clean that up. Like, I'm gonna do, like, I know she's not, I've already learned this about her, like, she is not, I'm not, I don't love it either, you know, but, like, and I have cleaned up all of the vomit in the house in the 10 years or so, nine years that we've been together, and I will continue to do it, not because, like, it doesn't bother me. I think it's fucking disgusting, it makes me, but, like, if I'm, and I'm like, yeah, all right. You know, like no problem.

0:46:02 Eli: Exactly

0:46:04 Thomas: I've got a Tom prediction. Tom has never vomited or hasn't vomited for 40 years. That's my prediction. Cause he'll just refuse. He'll simply, no, he'll simply

0:46:11 Eli: Yeah, or vomits every morning. Can I

0:46:15 Thomas: Refuse. Vomit is a sign of weakness. And he, yeah. Yeah.

0:46:18 Tom: I know I gave myself food poisoning like 20 years ago.

0:46:19 Eli: Counterpoint: it's just a chance to eat more food. If you keep your mouth closed and chew and swallow, it's technically a snack.

0:46:22 Thomas: Oh, that's a good, oh, hold on. You make a strong argument. You made a strong argument. I think that's, that could be, that could be it. Yeah.

0:46:26 Tom: Oh my God. Uh, yeah. No, that is true. Yeah. Yeah, vomit. I have a vomitorium. You know?

0:46:33 Eli: No.

0:46:33 Tom: I don't think that counts though. If it's a, that it, yeah no, but yeah, man, same thing. Like I'm going to take that bullet every time. That is a hundred percent my bullet to take

0:46:33 Thomas: Get sick on purpose.

0:46:43 Clip: DEAR OLD DAD

0:46:49 Eli: All right, gentlemen. Before we go, I've got a knock-knock for you this week. Knock-knock. Dishes. Dishes, a bad joke.

0:46:54 Tom: Who's there? Dishes who?

0:47:04 Tom: Oh, it really was.

0:47:06 Thomas: That's pretty bad. That's really bad.

0:47:06 Tom: It really was. I don't want knock-knock jokes. Can we go back? Can we go, what's back? I want to go back a

0:47:09 Eli: We'll go back. We'll do that. We'll get back. But I heard that one. One of Max's friends told me that one, and I was like, you know what, that fucks, and they were like, what'd you say to my kid? And I'm so sorry, I'll be leaving

0:47:15 Thomas: I like it. Yeah, That's a great kid one Sorry

0:47:21 Tom: Back She's not dead, fucking whatever, she'll figure it out.

0:48:13 Thomas: Tom, your life doesn't matter Whoa, another Smoggers burger? No way

0:48:16 Eli: Yuck. Oh, I'm not a cleaner, I'm too busy being a genius.