DOD253: Maybe a Little Stitious

Transcript

This transcript was generated automatically and may contain errors — the audio is the record.

0:00:02 Clip: I'm the cool dad, that's my thing I know now what I can offer you that no one else can Complete and under-dependent I'm a man, I'm sensitive I need to feel loved, I need part of being a father that I enjoy

0:00:28 Tom: Welcome to Dear Old Dads, the podcast where one out of three of us doesn't have sick kids. I'm Tom Curry. I'm joined as always by Thomas Smith and Eli Bosnick. And I'm going to knock on wood here before Haley yells at me so she knows that I did that. Hello, gentlemen.

0:00:44 Eli: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Don't try and coax me away from that. Is Haley a woodknocker?

0:00:49 Tom: Oh my God, we got to stop everything and talk about superstition. It's the only thing I care about. It is the only I care about. This is all I can... So we went down this, just maybe like Like six weeks ago, we had done this like a long ass rabbit hole. Haley is really superstitious. She's got the knock on wood that throws salt over your shoulder that don't split the pole when you're walking, when you'RE holding hands. There's all these superstitions, none of which, none of which I knew until she and I got together, none of which. So I'm saying stuff and she's giving me this fucking look and she'S like, knock on wood. I'm like, what are you talking about? Knock on wood, throwing salt, like not splitting the pole when you walk hands. So it turns out she's from the Hudson Valley area of New York. I had no idea that like a lot of the superstitions that are a part of our area and specifically a part her area are Scottish superstitions, that come from the Appalachian region, and the Appelation region is wildly superstitious like you can't open the door at night if somebody knocks on the door and like you You can't like whistle in the dark. And there's like a million of them. And like, I'm laughing. We're looking all of these up. And Haley's like, I would never, if there was a circle of stones in the woods, she's like I would not I would like I never go in that circle. And I'm like, what are you talking about?

0:00:53 Thomas: Wow.

0:00:53 Eli: My dad was a wood knocker.

0:01:21 Thomas: What the fuck are you talking about? Yeah. Yeah.

0:02:03 Tom: There's like all of these things and like so many of them, she's just like internalized. And then the kids have internalized and her mom was visiting at the same time we were having this conversation and her Mom has internalized like these superstitions are wildly unconscious. But like Haley is an incredibly rational person who is like yeah we are not doing these things like we are 100 % just not going to do those things I grew up not doing those things we are NOT doing those things like I am NOT whistling in the dark like it's a thing it's all thing and I think it's super regional no

0:02:33 Thomas: What?

0:02:36 Eli: Okay. Are you allowed to whistle in the dark? That rules, because that's the kind of superstitious my dad was as well. Because look, if someone has a mild case of OCD or some kind of obsessive behavior and they need to do it in their own life, you're like, okay, that's sad. I wish you'd do a little bit of CBT about that. But you know what some people fuck kids as my daddy used to say but the notion when someone brings

0:02:40 Tom: Jesus Christ I don't know how that it's always goes back to that

0:03:01 Eli: It to your door when it comes to your daughter and someone's like no you don't break the salt circle that's when you're like okay that's

0:03:11 Tom: Well here's the thing in her defense her luck has been very bad lately like so like

0:03:16 Thomas: Maybe you guys should do the opposite of whatever you've been doing.

0:03:18 Eli: That's I was gonna say though was she superstitious

0:03:19 Thomas: Yeah, fucking A.

0:03:21 Tom: I think she's getting more superstitious

0:03:23 Eli: Before it's not like she walked through a stone circle and then she

0:03:26 Tom: Right yeah and then everything fucking blew up so like yeah

0:03:28 Thomas: Yeah maybe spilling the

0:03:29 Eli: Should start walking through stone circles

0:03:29 Thomas: Salt is really good for your, yeah, exactly.

0:03:32 Tom: She's like we are not tempting fate and I'm like all right I mean like sure fair enough I'm not tempting fate like whatever we need to not do I am not doing

0:03:41 Eli: She walks through his own circle and the fae folk are like, hold on, how often have you eaten? You're okay. Let me look at this chart here. Oh, God, Cipro. Yep, no, Cipero's bad.

0:03:45 Tom: It I'll tell you what yeah if I broke a mirror you know who I wouldn't tell fucking anybody that's who I wouldn't sell yes

0:03:55 Eli: Anybody in your house? Oh, my God, I just realized you're the worst person to be married to if you're superstitious because 99 % of superstitions are don't break that and 99% of Tom interactions with the physical world are I don't squished it by accident.

0:04:01 Tom: Wait, no yeah well there's so many too we're looking them up there's like if you have a pocket knife if you hand somebody your pocket knife you have to be the one that closes it whoever opens it has to close it there's a fucking million little rules like little like superstitious etiquette rules for the fucking unseen world and so many of them come from that appalachian region of the world world where they are absolutely a real thing.

0:04:24 Thomas: Sorry what did that have to do with anything I missed that connection no no the appellation the appallation thing

0:04:38 Tom: Why carry a pocket knife every day? I've had a pocket knife in my pocket. Well, it's because where she's from. She's from the Hudson Valley area of New York. And so like, there's a lot of bleed over. There's a light. Yeah. The Appalachian mountain range runs through that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a whole thing regionally.

0:04:46 Thomas: Oh okay I just don't know any of this because I'm I'm a west coast whatever I have no idea oh okay gotcha I was like did she is she in hillbilly elegy what are you talking about what's going

0:04:56 Tom: I'm sure you're familiar with these, Eli, coming from that area. Yeah these are the thing. Yeah Yeah.

0:04:58 Eli: Yeah, yeah. So that's the funny thing about Appalachia is that it is literally a vein of the worst poverty in the country that just runs through the country. There's almost a social justice element to it, right? Because everybody, everywhere in America, no matter what level of privilege you have, you have to be like, I mean, I'm not Appalachian, if that's what you're wondering.

0:05:22 Eli: I don't have it significantly better better than the people of Appalachia.

0:05:22 Tom: I assume you're not superstitious at all, Thomas, I presume. Is Lydia?

0:05:29 Thomas: On no I know she

0:05:34 Tom: Would you know?

0:05:36 Thomas: Would have had to either get Get rid of it or, uh, yeah,

0:05:39 Eli: I, I, so here, let me call my shot here. Let me call my shot Here. I would bet she doesn't have any of the fucking knock on wood traditions. But I would bet She has a bunch of theater kids stuff still stuck in there.

0:05:41 Tom: You had to get rid of it. Are there theater kid traditions?

0:05:52 Eli: Oh, yeah, you don't say Macbeth in a theater. Yep. You don't Say good luck.

0:05:55 Tom: Good luck. You don't say good luck, right?

0:05:58 Thomas: I don't think she cares about that stuff, to be honest with you. I don '—no,

0:06:01 Eli: Call her in the room right now. I'm going gonna say five minutes to curtain and if she doesn't say thank you five I'll it's

0:06:03 Thomas: No, I'm fully—oh, she will say that. Yeah, no.

0:06:08 Tom: What is it?

0:06:08 Thomas: She'll say that that's not a superstition. That's just courtesy.

0:06:11 Eli: A superstition now here in the year of our Lord 2026

0:06:15 Thomas: Wait, what?

0:06:15 Tom: Wait, what is it, what the thing?

0:06:17 Eli: So when your stage manager comes in and says five minutes to curtain you say thank u5 everyone says it and it's understood you say that because you can't go like because if you said maybe you were just really enjoying your sandwich right

0:06:21 Thomas: Thank you, five. Yeah. Yeah, I know. This is not a superstition. This is just how to run something.

0:06:34 Eli: But if you're a theater kid or ever were a theater kid whenever anyone in your life says something minutes to blank you go thank you something minutes

0:06:44 Thomas: Yeah, that's just this is a good bit. This is funny.

0:06:47 Tom: Would you say goodluck, Thomas? Would say good look before a show?

0:06:50 Thomas: Oh, yeah. I don'T care about any of that shit. She might, I mean, she will do whatever to get along, you know, with people.

0:06:54 Eli: What about like jinx talk cause I don't do jinx I'm not superstitious but I don't do jinX talk like

0:07:00 Thomas: What does that mean?

0:07:00 Tom: What do you mean jinx talk like describe it

0:07:02 Eli: I'm not out here being like my kids so alive like I am not doing that shit okay

0:07:07 Tom: Haley would refer to that as tempting fate

0:07:08 Eli: Here's the thing right I'm not superstitious my dad was hardcore superstitious and enforced superstition on others right full Haley if you said something yankees related oh wood was getting knocked if he had to grab your hand and knock it for you you were knocking wood if you Said something about the Yankees and I think where that is left over in me there's only a certain amount of like bit I'm willing to do about how good it's going right about the people that I care about I'm like hey I don't know Because here's the thing. I've been wrong about so much shit. That's the other problem. So many people in the secular community, you were kind of right about everything. Then you read a couple of books and you were like, those are good words for the thing I'm right about. I was dead wrong about everything you could possibly imagine at one point in my life or another. So for me to be like, no, this time I'm nailing it. Like, I'm just going to, we're just goingto keep it safe. I hedge my bets on everything. Everything that is a decision I made. I'm like, we'll see.

0:07:08 Thomas: Jesus. Ah, yeah. Yeah.

0:08:11 Tom: Do that now but only when I'm talking to Haley because like that's a tempting fate thing and it kind of is hard for me to do because it'd be like hey this thing's going great I'm excited about it I want to like be happy this thing's doing great she's like don't fucking talk about it or it

0:08:25 Eli: Do you want to do it here on the podcast?

0:08:26 Thomas: Yeah. Wow.

0:08:26 Eli: She can't stop you, Tom. Let's tempt some fate right now. Let's do it. Let's tempt the fuck out.

0:08:26 Tom: Yeah she looks at me like I'm the crazy one she's Like why would you say that and I'm like because a good thing happened I don't know I'm I think so yeah no I I think it's fine I think it's

0:08:37 Eli: Do it, Tom, this is your chance to have an affair. Have an emotional affair with fate right now. Talk about how alive Donovan is. Five straight minutes of how intact his eyeballs are.

0:08:45 Tom: Funny do you know how fucking uncomfortable she would be if I no I'm not doing that I'm not doing I would never want to make her uncomfortable yeah well

0:08:56 Thomas: That is so weird.

0:08:58 Eli: So here's the compromise I think we should have as a show, because we're sort of three bears in it, right? Which is, this

0:09:03 Thomas: I think we are three bears in here. I literally will never care about a superstition in my life.

0:09:07 Eli: Is what I'm saying.

0:09:07 Thomas: No one can make me care about an superstition.

0:09:08 Tom: I don't care about the superstition I just don't want to make my wife uncomfortable

0:09:11 Eli: Yeah, exactly. So Tom, out of respect.

0:09:12 Thomas: Yeah, no, and I would fully make my wife uncomfortable. That's the three bears. If she was like, you got to do this time, I'd be like, no.

0:09:20 Eli: You have to stop believing that silly thing you believe that's what actually has to happen but don't worry I'm gonna help by not doing it and then when you don't explode you'll have to I don't know confront that or not I don'T really care it's actually none of my business what you do I wish you the best but this is why we're three bear because you got thomas on that end you got tom on the other end being like I would never walk through a stone's because here's the thing here's thing this is a thing about tom and you take it or leave it but this This is true. If Tom is riding his little bike next week and he pulls off the path to not drink some water, whatever it is he's done, and he sees a stone circle and it's the way to get across the bridge. Nobody's around for a thousand miles. Tom is not walking through the stone circle.

0:09:27 Tom: Uncomfortable yeah

0:09:34 Thomas: Yeah, that's. Yeah. Really?

0:09:51 Tom: Not not if I told hayley I wouldn't do it

0:10:07 Eli: Not walking through the stone circle, not saying it, not doing it. But even if she never found out, he's not walkingthroughthestonecircle. No way.

0:10:14 Thomas: I don't know about that. I feel like I feel Like he would do it on the slide.

0:10:17 Eli: No fucking shot.

0:10:19 Thomas: He would.

0:10:19 Eli: Not in a million years.

0:10:19 Tom: Because what if I no I don't know like that's just not how promises work I can't do that like Like, yeah, well,

0:10:24 Eli: He said he wasn't going to walk through. He said that the God is real and that Jesus Christ is our Lord and Savior.

0:10:29 Thomas: Oh, wait, sorry. I missed it. You actively promised her even not in her presence. Since you wouldn't walk through his stones.

0:10:34 Tom: We were joking. No, we Were joking about it. Not that she's like, you can't fucking. I'm like, okay, well I will fucking walk through stone circles now. Like that's fine. Yeah. Yeah. There's no way.

0:10:39 Thomas: Okay, well, if he gave his word, yeah, I didn't know that. But I'm sure there's some other stuff. Like, if Tom spills salt by himself, he's not doing any fucking rituals. I'm just going to go ahead and say, yeah.

0:10:49 Tom: Yeah, that is true. So here's the problem. If she asked me to, I probably would say I would, but I'd forget a stone circle in the woods would be noticeable enough for me to be like, that's fucking weird.

0:11:00 Thomas: Plus, Haley set it up as a trap for you, so. Yeah.

0:11:02 Tom: Right? Yeah. Right. Previous me would probably have gone in and on purpose be like what's this stone circle here for?

0:11:03 Eli: You FaceTime. Yes, she's hiding in the bushes.

0:11:07 Thomas: Yeah. Start spinning around in the center of it. Yeah.

0:11:07 Eli: MTV cheaters, yeah.

0:11:08 Tom: Like, you know, like what the fuck is this? Right. Hey, I'm here! Hey! Hey!

0:11:15 Eli: Please, please, Fae folk. I'll give you my name. Time for the last time, no. Get out of the circle, man. We're trying to catch some battle. You're fucking it up. No, no, Pinkleston, stay away from him. He's going to get you sick. Oh, Pinkestons, oh. You gave Prickleston's abscess. But gentlemen, do you know the only thing worse than the enforced tyranny of superstition that our sweet, sweet Tomifer lives under? Why? It's the auto ads. You better spin around and step on your crack, because otherwise the auto adds will be right back at patreon.com. I don't fucking know.

0:11:36 Thomas: Step on your own crack that sounds

0:11:53 Tom: What is that? No, I don't know what that is.

0:11:56 Eli: Patreon .com forward slash dear old dads. You get a commercial free version of the show. And we promise we swear to never walk through a stone circle in the woods but only for our high level patrons you got to really earn it if you're the high level patrons oh

0:11:58 Thomas: Hard yeah see I'm not doing that just because I don't have any interest in the stone circle but it has nothing no no other reason

0:12:17 Eli: Put some put some hockey on the other side of the stone circle

0:12:17 Tom: Other reason.

0:12:17 Thomas: You know I see it I see a stone circle I'm like don't care about that it's nothing some some idiot made a stone circle some moron made it they're just doing weird stuff who cares that's

0:12:21 Eli: None of that business not not it's just too busy to walk through stone circles that's right over at patreon.com forward slash dear old dads like the Fae folk into Tom's teeth. Rip into it. That's how the Fae folk get you. I

0:12:49 Ad: [Ad break 1 — ad music]

0:12:51 Eli: Think for patron bonus content, Thomas should have to say how not molested his kids are.

0:12:56 Thomas: Nothing

0:12:57 Tom: This uh this is an email from holy guacamole which I love that patreon name

0:13:01 Thomas: What oh the superstition thing sorry okay I was already I was like what what is that joke joke.

0:13:04 Tom: Hey he's back

0:13:06 Eli: Hey, Thomas, I need you to remain conscious in between sentences.

0:13:10 Thomas: No, I don't know what the, I instantly forgot about the dumb superstition thing. It's dumb. I don'T do it. I DON'T care. Anyway, my kids are very not molested. They are a hundred percent doing great. Well, I'm not going to say that. Who knows? I got to, no, I'M NOT GOING TO SAY THAT BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW IF IT'S TRUE. I GOT TO PROTECT THEM. EVER VIGILANT.

0:13:22 Tom: Everybody there they are now

0:13:18 Eli: Say never. They would never get molested. See?

0:13:31 Tom: All right, from Holy Guacamole. Hello, gentlemen. I'd like to get the three bears' takes on a low -stakes parenting situation that has come up. My wife and I will have this sorted, but I thought it would be interesting to hear some other viewpoints. I have three daughters, eighth -grade twins, and a fourth -grader. This is about a friend of the fourth -grade. I'll call that kid Kyle.

0:13:48 Tom: Kyle moved to the area a year and a half ago, lives about a half mile away. We're in a fairly rural area, so he's at our bus stop for school. Since he didn't have any friends when he first moved here, his mom invited us to his birthday party last year. The party was pretty chaotic, which matches the vibe of mom, who appears to struggle with managing time and activities and being places. I've driven him home several times and she wasn't there to pick him up from the bus, have picked him up to get him onto the bus. I've drove him to school when she missed getting him to the bus stop and didn't text me in time to get them. His home life seems like a discordant clusterfuck, not necessarily abusive, but more of a benign neglect. Benign is wrong there. Kyle has two younger siblings and his dad seems a piece of shit that can't be bothered to be a father POS dad now has a restraining order for some reason and is not in the house I think this figures into what Kyle's mom has to shoulder we went to Kyle's birthday party again a few weeks ago it was very similar to last year mayhem I spent an hour driving around to find their dog who got out ran off at night in the fog my wife stayed at the party we're not going to leave our daughter alone in that house because we don't have confidence that things will stay under control control nor do we know whether pos dad has guns or samurai swords or something in the house the kids could access

0:13:48 Eli: Twins nice

0:14:55 Tom: So here's the issue for christmas this year kyle got an electric scooter we found this out when he showed up at our house in the middle of the day we let him stay for about a half an hour then I took him home we're in a rural area the road you have to take between our houses has people driving about 60 with no sidewalks and no bike lanes and kyle wanted to ride home on the scooter but I insisted on driving kyle's now showed up three more times in the past week week, once without having worn his helmet. I told him he needs to wear the helmet when he's on his scooter, and he has been wearing it since. I also told him I don't think he should ride on the big road between our houses because how fast people drive, but he has still shown up. We think he might be trying to get some respite from the chaos of his house, and He knows where we live, so he's just popping by. He's a nice kid. He is doing well in school. He has been getting recognition at school ceremonies, and we don't want to cut him off from a chill place if he needs it. However, we also have things that we need to take care of, so there needs to always always be boundaries in place we're not always home and don't want him wandering onto our property in case of injuries what are your thoughts really

0:15:52 Eli: So I wonder if which end of the bears I am at I am at abandon the strange child end of the spectrum

0:16:01 Tom: Interesting talk to me about this like so just like cut this fucking kid off from your family

0:16:02 Thomas: Abandoned how are you gonna do

0:16:06 Eli: Completely here's the thing that kid is in a lifetime movie he's in a sad movie you know what happens to the other families in a lifetime movie bad shit bad shit happens to everybody who's in a sad move movie you need to stay the fuck away look if you and your wife were single and didn't have kids and you weren't taking care of your own family right it's just you and your wife kyle wants to come by on his electric scooter that's a happy movie you play catch and one day you're like kyle it's not your fault and he's like hey you're my dad now you want to do a fucking blind side do a blind side I hope kyle's the same race as you right that's pretty problematic point is you want a new blind side to a blindside right now kyle is gonna bring the dress kyle has a dad who has a restraining order against him and he is going to come to your house do you think he's going to react well to any scenario where you disagree you're bringing a restraining order dad into your house where you're like oh I don't know that episode of blue he was a little too sad to watch uh -uh kyle's in a sad movie kyle'S over there in a SAD movie there's lots of things that are sad in the universe they're not your responsibility fucking vote democrat right Right.

0:16:42 Tom: True it's a really problematic movie me. Yeah,

0:17:18 Eli: It is not your obligation to save Kyle.

0:17:21 Tom: I'm kind of on the same train to some degree. Like I think, yeah, this is tough. The reason I'm on your train, Eli, is that the kids don't sound like they're friends. I think this equation changes if the kids are really close. And I think that's a good thing. I mean, this happens a lot where there's some kid who your kid makes friends with and they become close with with and that kid's parenting situation or home life or whatever is shit and it happens a lot and people end up sort of finding a sort of second home or a home away from home or a more stable home environment and then they can kind of bond into that family and then if they're a good kid and there's not these other complicating factors everybody can kind of win I don't think that there's anything wrong with that and maybe I'm biased to some degree because when I was a kid I know I mentioned this before but like for a long long time I I did a little bit of like home shopping myself like I always wanted a mom you know like growing up and like obviously didn't have a mom and so like I would always bond with my friend's moms and I would get invited to their

0:18:24 Tom: Christmases and you know be kind of taken in as part of the family but it happens all the time like everybody growing up has that friend or knows that friend that like yeah they sleep over like three nights a week and you know they're really kind of part of a family it's like yeah it's because their fucking home life Life sucks.

0:18:25 Thomas: That huh banged all of them

0:18:42 Tom: I think if these kids seemed really close, which you do not get from this email, they seemed really closed. I think the equation changes. It sounds like this kid is just popping by because they're fucking like, yeah, it sucks to be me every day that I wake up. I just want to be somewhere else. And like, there is a level of chaos.

0:18:57 Thomas: Yeah was that you tom or was that sorry just clarify that was tom

0:19:00 Eli: Was Tom. Yeah, that was also Tom. But that's the thing. That's him today, too. That's he also does that as he drives through the neighborhood on his bike. He's just, oh, if anyone wants to be my

0:19:01 Tom: I was just sorry. That was an aside. That was in a side. Yeah.

0:19:09 Eli: Mom, I'm just kind of starting over. So here's the think. Right. Here's where I want to I want to pull back my point slightly, which is if you have a kid in a non -dangerous situation, a kid who just like has less money than you or is less less lucky, or is just like a little hectic, having a harder time. I assume that I am that for all of my parenting friends. They're like, oh, here come the Bosnics. He's not wearing shoes again. They were talking about me, not Max.

0:19:35 Eli: I assumed that there must be an element of that about how much shit I have together versus my friend parents who are all way, way better parents than me. But if there's danger involved, if there're restraining orders involved, that's somebody else's movie baby yeah

0:19:52 Tom: I think that's the key, right? I think that it's entirely laudable and I think it's okay and I think it could be great to sort of take in strays so to speak. That kid who needs somebody, needs some stability, needs some love, needs a place to go that is like a respite. Yeah, come on man, you're invited over for Christmas. Be here for Thanksgiving. You're buddies with my kid. Yes, like you're part of my family. I understand that arms wide sort of stuff. But yeah, it stops as soon as there's that get fucking danger involved it's one thing to go looking for someone's dog because they don't have their fucking act together and it's like all right well I mean like let's go help them out like you should have your fucking act altogether but you don't so let's we're gonna go help there's some chaos let's kind of be a place where it's a calm in the storm I get that but yeah man when there's danger it's not man we can't be friends and we've had we've got a situation like that I think I told the story on the show we had a situation where acelyn had a friend that we we strongly suspected was a dangerous situation. Turns out, by the way, we were 100 % right and the police agree now.

0:20:56 Tom: So like, we strongly expected that there was like some problems and that that family was a danger and we're like, yeah, that person can't be your friend anymore. You can't have that person in your life. And that really sucks for that other person. But like, not everybody can be my responsibility. I can't let you get hurt in order to be nice to somebody else. I can'T let that happen. And that's not how my locus of control and responsibility works.

0:21:24 Ad: [Ad break 2 — ad music]

0:21:26 Thomas: What what do they have to do they Have to be like go on get

0:21:29 Tom: What would you do, Thomas? Like, what's your take on it? I'm curious where you would land on it. Or did you grow up knowing anyone like this?

0:21:34 Thomas: I think you guys are pretty much solid I wouldn't I think that if it's somebody who and just like you tom I can relate when you grew up where your parents like just didn't fucking give you anything. And, you know, I sure I had enough to survive. I'm not saying I was like, you know, starving or something, but like in terms of toys, in terms OF whatever. Yeah.

0:21:54 Tom: We ate the snakes in the snake cave. It was fine. Yeah.

0:21:55 Eli: Exactly and all the snake you could

0:21:56 Thomas: Yeah, the snakes and I ate bountifully from the, we all shared mice, you know, it was, it Was great.

0:21:59 Eli: Eat thomas your mom sucks and I really need you to confront that she's doing her best adolf

0:22:14 Thomas: So I could understand the, like, I clung to my friends as much as possible. But I had the complication of, I was still dependent on my parents to take me anywhere. I wish, dude, if I had anywhere walking distance, oh my God. Oh my God, I would have lived there. I would've fucking lived there, and I don't know that my parents would, well, Well, no, my parents were pretty protective, so they probably would have cared. But if it was somebody they liked, I think the convenience would have won out for them. If it was like, oh, yeah, OK, go over there. Like they just whatever was less work for them, like they just wanted to be doing. They just, you know, not doing this. But I think I'm with you guys that like the moment it seems like a dangerous thing. That's kind of a different story. I'm happy. I'm excited to be a possible, you Know, resource and help to anyone who might need it. I'm excited for that because my parents would have been doing the thing where they're constantly like keeping a tally or something or like, oh, this person's imposing too much or whatever. And I'd be like, no, I don't give a shit. People can impose all they want. But if it is like an actual danger scenario, then, yeah, I think I'm with you guys. I'm just wondering, what does this person do? Are they going to have to, like, tell the kid, like go on, get like how they're going to.

0:23:23 Eli: Hisler so there's a big highway which by the way is how the sad movie ends podcast listeners don't this is gonna work itself out in payroll there's big like highway where everyone goes 70 miles an an hour and this kid takes his only object his only possession his little tom electric scooter and he's he's like I'd like to go somewhere where the yelling stops and he rides it out into the fucking oncoming traffic and this person who is kind and full of gentleness was like you're not even wearing a helmet man what act of the movie do you think you're in he's the first one is like you're you're the third act

0:23:58 Tom: I think like the kids just like showing up randomly and unannounced, which is so funny because like, that's our whole lives. Maybe I'm speaking for myself, but like when I was a kid, you just showed up. Like, that's how you hung out with your friends. Like you just got on your bike and you rode over to your friend's house and you rang the doorbell and you were like, yeah, I wanted to see if my buddy was home. And if they were home, you hung out. And if they weren't home, you just were like aah, shit's happening. Hey, get back on your bike and go back. You know? That's like, but now that's not a thing. So I get that. It's just funny. The little, yeah. So yeah. I think you've got to talk to that kid and say, Hey, you can't come over here unannounced like I'm sorry we can set up like I don't want to use the word play date because I think it's annoying like

0:24:25 Thomas: The little lad bike was trying to get back to his childhood.

0:24:36 Thomas: You can announce it so I can say no.

0:24:41 Tom: I'd be willing to maybe set up a play date but like probably not you know and then it's also like you've got to have an awkward conversation now with your fourth grade kid about why this person is probably not a good and safe friend for you to have and that sucks because that's like what a nine -year -old and we had to do that with a's and we to tell her are like yeah you know what like you can't go to her house like you can't come to your friend's house like your friend for a little while can come here I'll do the driving you can get in a car with her parents you can go to our house and like it's awkward it's fucking super there's no nice way to say it I will also kind of expand the idea of danger that I think it's fair not required I don't think it is like morally required but I think its fair too to sort of expand the ideas of what's dangerous to a level of chaos that disrupts your kids life and success and focus and attention like some people just are raised in environments and have a level of chaos and like uncertainty and just constant fucking drama that your kid can get sucked into and

0:25:48 Tom: End up being a caretaker at too young of an age which sets up a dynamic that they do not want to be in that is not healthy and safe for them that your kids can like they're scholastic and academic and other achievements may be affected by their like constant attention being poured into somebody else's problems it's okay to be like yeah we're not doing that I think you can but you've got to closely monitor

0:26:11 Eli: I'll hopefully not speak out of term but I will say that my sister has always been an adopter of misfit children from like the time she was old enough to make friends every friend she brought over was someone who was at the very least less lucky than us and what it meant is that we ended up having a lot of extremely adult conversations extremely quickly and she did not understand why we did not want to get involved in her friends lives so we had lots of conversations about divorce and cheating and drug use right like because the other thing is this kid has had a lot of bad things normalized a lot of bad behaviors a lot of loose behaviors discipline stuff that you don't agree with that's all been normalized for them so that when your kid talks to them and says yeah I'm not allowed to watch TV after eight it's like why because it's getting in the way of heroin time like there you have Be aware that if someone is being misparented, they are carrying that information to your kid in the same way that we hope our kid is carrying it to another.

0:27:18 Tom: The problem is like all of that drama stuff is really exciting like all that drama staff that you were just talking about people love that shit right that's the tea that's the gossip that's interesting it's new emotional input as adults we like that shit like whether we're willing to admit it or not as adults that's why we like it that's the reason reality TV is even a thing right so like we love that kind of like emotional input as people I wasn't counting the robots I wasn'T the robot the I'm sorry forgive me I was yeah the robot people are set aside but like you know it's it's exciting and it's exciting for kids too and also these are going to be a lot of new situations that kids have never navigated

0:27:38 Thomas: Not me. I don't care. Don't watch it. Stop saying we. I don't like any of that. I don't watch reality TV. Okay. Thank you. Thank you, uninterested. Wait, what was the age on this?

0:28:02 Tom: Before that adds to the excite fourth grade

0:28:05 Thomas: Yeah, I think that's a little young to be giving a shit. They're probably just oblivious, don't you think?

0:28:09 Tom: But I think like beyond this specific instance this is something that happens all the time you know and like we'll continue and it's something I think as parents we have to be really aware of like that chaotic kid I am very sympathetic I am intensely sympathetic to that kid that lives in chaos and I don't think that if you I don' t I'm not saying thing just fucking abandon all of those kids I'm really not saying that those kids really if they can have a stable second place in their home in their lives I think it can be really good for everybody but I think you've got to keep your fucking eye on that shit because it can quickly spiral out of control and then have downstream effects on your kids and that's your first area of responsibility at the end of the day that's it like you can't be responsible for fucking everybody who lives near you. That's just not possible.

0:28:54 Eli: And more importantly, you're dealing with your own kid and that influence will affect your own kids. If you are in a position where your life is settled enough, right? So, for example, if you had an adult child who was like 18 or 19 and they had sort of settled into their groove and were making their own decisions. And then you had a younger child who came by who you sort of wanted to step in and do that sort of pseudo parenting with. Awesome. I think that's an amazing thing to do. But I also like that's not what's going to happen. This person is going to influence your kid. They're going to influenced your parenting. And more importantly, for all the time this kid gets to spend at your house, this child's parents will also feel entitled to parent your kids. It's, I mean, I'll give you a great example, right? I love my parent friends. I love my parent friends. Every single one of my parent friends and I have had the nobody ever gets to hit Max conversation. Every single one. Because there's no risk. There's no awkward moment that I'm not willing to have that someone goes, oh, well, we hitting this family. I think Kyle's parents probably hit. What if your kid's over there sometime and Kyle's fucking getting into the raccoon feed or whatever it is they have over there and the mom or dad decides that your kid needs a whooping because they were there too

0:30:16 Ad: [Ad break 3 — ad music]

0:30:18 Tom: There's a level of chaos that breeds chaos that you can sort of extrapolate out to right where it's like, all right, this is the what I see is the tip of the iceberg. You do have to kind of, I think, recognize that that is likely not entirely not 100 percent gospel true, but like, you know, if you see all if you see if you the fucking tip ofthe iceberg under the surface. Right. Like so there's There's a level of chaos that is probably taking place as well that like you're not privy to that is the secret sort of chaos. And you're like, I don't know what's involved there. I don'T know. But like, I know that none of that is good for my family and I have an obligation to do things that are good for my family. It's a really hard spot. And we've gotten emails and I've seen stuff from other listeners where they're like yeah, I am the sort of like de facto or informal formal sort of foster family for this other kid that's friends with my kid and they needed a place and now they live with us you hear that story all the time where somebody is like oh yeah like now they Live With Us and it's like yeah look I think that's

0:31:17 Tom: Great but the amount of I just want to be super clear like the amount work it takes for you as the parent to parent through that and make sure that it doesn't bleed out and negatively affect your family and your kids and everything thing is high the amount of attention the amount of like interference you might have to run with the chaos parents etc like it's a lot of work and not everybody has the time and energy to be able to do that to do it well oh

0:31:38 Eli: And I want to be very clear if you do that I think you're a saint right like I think that's incredible I think it's such an incredibly wonderful thing if that is something you choose to do right I also think doctors without borders is really admirable you know who doesn't drive by my house on an electric scooter every couple of days, the fucking kids being helped by doctors without borders, right? You get to make those choices for you. And this is what I was going to bring up. My dad was a mentor to a lot of lost souls. Sometimes it was people in trouble. Sometimes there's people who just need mentorship, but like my dad always had a workout buddy. The way my dad would, would mentor young men is that they would become his workout buddy had his whole gym and they would go work out together and sort of the guise of mentorship for my dad was always working out but it never ever crossed over into our family even when those people had troubles right and they very often did even they often had like their own life situations and stuff but it ever got brought to our door to my

0:31:47 Tom: Same yeah right

0:32:44 Eli: House and that's very important

0:32:47 Tom: Yeah and I'm sure he had to be very conscious of that and careful about that and there were probably times he had to cut mentors or mentees out of that relationship if he thought it was going to bleed into the family it's it's tough Haley's had friends when she was in like high school and beyond that have gone through tough times that have lived with her because their their life was was chaotic and you know not great not cash money it's a very common story like I know lots of people who either did this they were the person living with another family for a while or they had other kids living with them I think that shit is fucking awesome I just look at it now as a parent and I'm like Like, I don't have time to do that. Well, like the amount of energy that would take to do that well and to make sure everybody was like safe, like psychologically, physically, emotionally, scholastically, et cetera. Like that's a lot.

0:33:39 Thomas: What's good is those kids usually just don't need much they just need to not be fucked with like often it's like oh here's a place where I can go probably have some food or something and also not be fucking yelled at or fucked with yeah Tom

0:33:51 Eli: Speaking as a former one honestly I'm not gonna make no trouble, I promise.

0:33:55 Thomas: I'll be no trouble I'll be no trouble at

0:33:56 Eli: Honestly,

0:33:57 Tom: Come on by. Come on. Bye, Thomas. I just need you to do your own dishes. That's the only ask I've got at this point.

0:34:01 Eli: I don't know why his name is Snakeolf Hisler. I don't know. I didn't name him. That's how he introduced himself to me.

0:34:05 Thomas: All can Can Hissler come? Can he? Can I bring Adolf Hissлер?

0:34:15 Clip: DEAR OLD DADS

0:34:21 Eli: All right, gentlemen. Before we go, I got a handjob from a blind woman once. She told me, this is the biggest cock I've ever come across, but she was pulling my leg.

0:34:35 Tom: That's good I like that

0:34:35 Thomas: Man, he's all switched to the, like, after dark version now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. No, yeah I hear you. I'm with you. I wasn't, I wasn't complaining.

0:34:38 Tom: I like it. I like it's got a little bluey that's a good that's gonna I'm down with

0:34:39 Eli: No, no, no. These aren' t boomer. These aren't boomer, these are just slightly blue. They're still puns.

0:35:33 Tom: It hey I'm here

0:35:36 Eli: You better spin around and step on your crack. Because otherwise, the auto ads will be right back.

0:35:42 Thomas: Is it my mic? So you don't... Yeah. Ah, it molested my kid!

0:35:43 Eli: Turns around and there's a Babadook molesting his kids.

0:35:49 Eli: Oh, here come the Bosnics. He's not wearing shoes again.