DOD250: No Will? No Way!

Transcript

This transcript was generated automatically and may contain errors — the audio is the record.

0:00:02 Clip: I'm the cool dad, that's my thing I know now what I can offer you that no one else can Complete and under-dependent I'm a man, I'm sensitive I need to feel loved, I need part of being a father that I enjoy

0:00:28 Tom: Welcome to Dear Old Dads, the podcast whose mom is still alive. That's weird. I'm Tom Curry. I'm joined as always by Thomas Smith and Eli Bosnick. Hello, gentlemen.

0:00:38 Eli: For the record, I'm glad my mom is still alive. I just, uh, this time it only applies to one member of the podcast.

0:00:43 Tom: It just applies to one of us, you know.

0:00:44 Thomas: I'm glad my mom's still alive.

0:00:46 Eli: No, you shouldn't be.

0:00:47 Thomas: Shut up. Such a dick.

0:00:50 Eli: Maybe when she dies, you'll be like, oh, she did her best living. She's still alive, if you think about it, she's still alive. She really tried to be alive.

0:00:55 Tom: Trying

0:00:55 Thomas: She's great. Like I said, she watches the Sharks now and like texts me about it. I think it's her way of trying to like, kind of, yeah.

0:01:01 Tom: To have some kind of relationship with you? Yeah, right.

0:01:03 Eli: Connection.

0:01:03 Thomas: And like, honestly it works.

0:01:06 Eli: Hey, hockey.

0:01:06 Thomas: My burnt out brain is like, yeah, I will be watching this. And if someone else is watching, it's like, oh, cool. I'll talk to you. Yeah.

0:01:13 Eli: And then she texts Lydia about heated rivalry. And then everybody's on the same page are the women in your lives in touch with heated rivalry oh

0:01:17 Thomas: Oh my God. That'd be really funny. Well, you know, what's funny is I actually, Lydia, so Lydia was doing this before it was cool because she's read, she's had for a long time, a book version of that, not that book, but like a different one that I think might even predate that one that she's been reading for a long time. And, uh, it's been funny. It's been a joy. I like hearing about it, but then this thing comes out, you know, and these Johnny come lately or Johnny coming lately to this. Yeah. And what's funny is she watched a few episodes and then like Like we were actually not sure. I don't know if you guys do this, but like it was on the line of like, well, do you want to watch this? And I was like, I mean, I might just because like everybody's talking about it. So poor Lydia, I think she stopped because like she wasn't sure if I was going to watch it with her. And so I think I think he's only gotten through like two, three episodes. I feel bad.

0:01:47 Eli: They they don't they do not come lately let me tell you

0:01:47 Tom: Johnny come often. Yeah, yeah, right, yeah.

0:02:12 Thomas: Maybe we should make that happen.

0:02:12 Eli: Oh so sad

0:02:13 Tom: You should just tell her that you'll watch it with her and then you know yeah right yeah

0:02:15 Thomas: No, we were. I was, like, oh, yeah. And then we just didn't have time.

0:02:19 Eli: So tom are you aware of heated rivalry

0:02:22 Thomas: He is now. We told him about it, didn't we?

0:02:22 Tom: I know it's a gay hockey show right like it's like yeah that's all I know it's literally all I

0:02:23 Eli: Is a gay hockey show it's a relatively explicit gay hockey Show and what's great about it is so here's the thing if you're a sex weirdo and you're lady you realize relatively relatively quickly that a lot of straight women, not all, not all, but some, really like watching gay porn. Why? Because they love penises. And now you get two for the price of one. Same reason that dudes like watching lesbian porn.

0:02:47 Tom: Now okay I was just saying yeah like sure right yeah

0:02:50 Eli: It doesn't translate because women's sexuality is so placed into a box and they're totally like, ah, you don't want anything. You don't want to, you hate everything, right? And so what you see happening with heated rivalry, which I love so much, is just a bunch of normies who didn't discover that straight women sometimes like to watch gay porn thing live in real time it's delicious it's beautiful it's wonderful I

0:03:11 Thomas: Who didn't discover. Wait, what?

0:03:12 Tom: Yeah I think I think like it generally socially accepted that like yeah dudes like lesbian porn and it's less socially like normalized that some women are gonna like gay porn

0:03:23 Eli: Know

0:03:23 Thomas: Yeah, I have rarely heard of, in my life, any women who actually like gay porn. That's kind of weird.

0:03:27 Eli: Oh you got you got to get into the perv space the perv space this is established there are rough stone tablets

0:03:33 Tom: But I think that's the difference though is that like it's socially just a norm outside of perv space is that like yeah like two ladies kissing like that's hot like everybody's like you know down with that like. It's just like a kind of niche stuff socially speaking that like women would be like oh I'm into gay porn like that just kind of like been pushed out of the narrative. I don't know like how popular it is. Clearly heated rivalry is doing very well though because become like a whole thing right like it is like having a fucking moment right now.

0:04:00 Eli: Oh yeah oh it's having a moment and here's the thing about the perv space right because there are sort of two directions of the perps space when you're in the pervs space it's kind of like quicksand which is you're always trying not to get dragged down into the part of the perv space that is not cash money and it's always waiting and it'S constant the force is like gravity you are always being pulled at all times there's no holding in stasis in the perp space everything you do you gotta

0:04:29 Thomas: You got to be treading water, huh?

0:04:31 Eli: Like exactly it's like playing paintball you kind of like peek around the corner okay nothing nothing not cashed money over there you gotta do that but so there's this lovely moment that is sometimes you see the toes of normal people just gently descending down next to you a little bit into the perv space oh yeah and if you're into toes that's another thing for you but is there's this lovely moment because you've been there for so long and especially for older people like me I'm almost 40 years old

0:04:45 Thomas: Okay. I thought you were talking about toe porn or foot. Yeah.

0:04:59 Eli: Right when I was a pervert it was like a really bad thing it's hard hard to describe to young people but like you have to understand that being a entirely consensually minded pervert was still a tremendously bad thing until 9 -11 right they just fucking it was like if you jerked off to toasters alone in your home they were like put that guy under the jail set him on fire and kill his dog and so it's so lovely to watch people

0:05:00 Tom: That's so old.

0:05:28 Thomas: Toasters. Jerk off to toasters.

0:05:32 Eli: Join but it's also it brings about like a longing you

0:05:37 Tom: I got to ask, like, how do you define the perv space or what a pervert is?

0:05:41 Thomas: Being into toaster stuff.

0:05:43 Tom: Yeah, is it all toaster stuff?

0:05:42 Eli: Know toaster stuff

0:05:45 Thomas: Stuff. Yeah. It's exclusively toaster stuff.

0:05:45 Tom: Just because, like sometimes I'll take a bath and have a toaster on the edge of it and think maybe today's the day.

0:05:45 Eli: It's mostly toaster stuff

0:05:50 Thomas: Hey Eli, you more into the toaster oven or like the one that like you, it's got a pot. Yeah, no, that's true. Sometimes I like it when the one that is the oven does it with the one that pops. Cause it's really taboo. You know what I mean? Like it's it's really yeah

0:05:53 Eli: Oh no it's got a pop are you kidding no no no we call those clampos in the toaster space we hate those here's how I define the pervert space which is that at some point in your life you realize that one of your hobbies maybe your major hobby is fuck stuff and that's when you gotta admit you're a pervert right if you think about and do fuck stuff more than you ride your bike you're pervert and you gotta get into the pervert space right exactly if someone asks you your hobby they're like what'd you do this weekend and the answer is I filled up a kiddie pool with jelly beans and I put them all in my again but then you have to say crossfit you're in the perverts space because normal people and Tom correct me if I'm wrong here normal people they do a tremendous amount less fuck stuff they meet up with their partner two to three times a week they're like hey care for some fuck stuff I would love some fuckstuff Gerald let's head into the bedroom maybe tonight we could turn the lights on and that's good and if that's fucking great and

0:06:04 Thomas: Or golf

0:06:04 Tom: Clampos.

0:06:24 Thomas: Or something yeah

0:07:03 Eli: You get older and you fan and you jerk off a couple of times a weeks and bless them

0:07:07 Thomas: I don't understand that that part is weird to me when you hear about the couples that are like yeah no we do you know like once every six months we have sex I'm like oh so you're not together or what or like you know it's that's crazy to me I don't understand

0:07:18 Eli: Yeah they're not in the space they're just enjoying a different kind and you know what more power to them say hi say hi but it is like being a heroin addict when someone else talks to you about how much they love chocolate right like you're sitting there jonesing waiting to do you can inject something between your toes again and nancy from hr is like no seriously I keep a whole bag of lint on my desk and you're like sounds bad sounds really bad

0:07:24 Thomas: I sure I guess sure

0:07:45 Tom: The chocolates lint chocolates l

0:07:45 Thomas: Lint what

0:07:48 Eli: The Lindt chocolate's Lindt what Lindt chocolate little round balls

0:07:48 Thomas: There's a lint chocolate oh that dang it that was a good joke but I've never heard of that oh sorry my

0:07:50 Tom: -i -n -d -t yeah yeah lint chocolate it's a very very very well

0:07:54 Thomas: Bad what is what is that is that a regional thing what I've never heard of this what the fuck okay so I won't distract

0:07:57 Tom: -known chocolate yeah no no

0:07:57 Eli: Yeah those are pretty universal you're a time traveler you're weird

0:08:03 Thomas: You I that's just a weird me thing yeah lydia will tell me later that I'm an idiot or something because I've I've never heard of that. Anyway, move on.

0:08:08 Eli: I guarantee you it's going to be a weird thomasism where he's going to be like oh no we called those bobo balls those were the bobo balls in california they sold them loose out of a vending machine in my high school but it they wasn't refrigerated so they would come down wet and they'd leave the vending machine as soft as a baby's fist let me tell you so there's a thing that happens sometimes too in the pervert space and then we could talk about our show I promise which is that someone will be like I'm a pervert and yeah the first time you're like ah nice and so you go full pervert with them you'relike that's fucking awesome all right I got the tub full of jelly beans and I gotthe scoop I stole it from one of those pick and mix things they had at Toys R Us so we're all set to start and they're like ew I meant I do you blowjobs and you're like oh fuck fuck jesus ah I'm so sad because you are you're sorry you don't want anyone to have a noggin you're Like I'm so sorry that you thought that was what I meant yeah so you got to be careful but gentlemen do you know the only thing worse than discovering your sexual partner isn't ready to fully scoop as many jelly beans as your rectum can

0:08:59 Thomas: I do blowjobs. Yeah.

0:09:19 Eli: Hold into your open and waiting butthole. Why? It's the auto ads. The butthole of podcasting. We've been podcasting for a few minutes, so you've heard 74 of those ads by now. They keep us alive. They keep a strong, but you can make us stronger over at patreon .com forward slash dear old dads, where for as little as a dollar, you get a commercial free extended version of every single show, a little parenting story at the end, bonus episodes every single month on average, They don't

0:09:19 Tom: Jesus. Fuck.

0:09:35 Thomas: I keep those jelly beans flowing into Eli's anus. No, it is every single month.

0:09:50 Eli: Always appear in the month that they are for. But if you took all the months of a show and you divided them out, you would find that there is one every month. Monthish. There's a monthlier.

0:09:57 Thomas: It's every single, what is, what, come on. Every month within, it's the month plus or minus two days.

0:10:07 Eli: You know, just like the calendar. Where on January 1st it's like, I mean, you get it,

0:10:11 Thomas: That's as accurate as calendars get.

0:10:14 Tom: It's as accurate as calendars, guys.

0:10:14 Eli: January -ish. Yeah. But you can join us. Patreon .com forward slash dear old. Yeah yeah

0:10:22 Tom: The famed relative inaccuracy of calendars. Yeah, I love that. Yeah, yeah.

0:10:22 Thomas: Thanks, Tom. Yeah, it's like, well, it stopped on principle, you know.

0:10:28 Eli: Tuesday I like

0:10:30 Tom: It's, I don't know, scatter day.

0:10:32 Thomas: Heisenberg principle, you can get only so close to the date or the position.

0:10:35 Eli: Little bit Tuesday little bit Monday you know how it is I'm tired

0:10:39 Tom: Join us for our Smarch special.

0:10:42 Eli: Anyways you can get into all that over at patreon .com forward slash Dear Old Dads like Thomas into a fresh bag of Lindt chocolates rip into

0:10:58 Ad: [Ad break 1 — ad music]

0:11:00 Thomas: Lindt chocolate you've made this up the fuck okay

0:11:03 Tom: No, it's like they're a major global brand.

0:11:04 Eli: It it's such a crazy thing for you not to know

0:11:07 Thomas: This is so annoying I need to google it Lindt chocolate

0:11:09 Tom: Legitimately a major global brand like it's actually really funny.

0:11:12 Eli: About yeah here's how common it is you're about to write the word lint like dryer lint into to Google and it's going to auto -correct and be like, oh, you mean the incredibly common Lindt chocolate. Here you go.

0:11:16 Thomas: Yep that's exactly what happened of course

0:11:23 Tom: You can buy them at like the pharmacy.

0:11:26 Thomas: Oh the balls the other balls the balls

0:11:29 Eli: I already described them as balls.

0:11:29 Tom: You described them as balls of chocolate already.

0:11:31 Eli: And the idea for you to, and for you to say, oh the balls right now is truly the most hurtful thing you could do to me.

0:11:39 Thomas: Wait is it

0:11:40 Tom: L .I .N .D .T.

0:11:40 Thomas: Lint oh it's linder so it's like lit it's lent linder yeah it says on the box l -i -n -d -t -l -i and D -O -R. Yeah. And if I go on target, it's listed as linder.

0:11:43 Tom: No it's not linder it's l -i -n -d -t no oh yeah lint linder yeah right but it's yeah the brand is lint oh I don't know why the brand has lint

0:11:58 Thomas: That's weird. So here's what's happening, I think. On the box or on the bag of balls, the lint is in cursive, something that my brain says, fuck that, don't need it. The linder is, I mean, I can, but my brain, this is literally an ADHD thing. Yeah, it is like, oh, that is the last thing.

0:12:08 Tom: Yeah I can't read that no your brain just won't yeah right Right.

0:12:17 Eli: No, it's not an ADHD. I was so ready to hold you in the light brother, but you can't, you can't be like ADHD brains don't see the swoop letters.

0:12:25 Thomas: No, no, ADHD brains, like my brain prioritizes stuff and I will literally look at something and not see the same thing that everyone else is seeing because my brain's like you don't need

0:12:34 Eli: Have you ever seen that meme? That's like, Oh my God, you people can't do anything. That's what this conversation is. Oh my god, you people can

0:12:48 Tom: So the Lindor are the balls.

0:12:49 Thomas: That yeah yeah no I mean I I get by I could do some things no but literally it says lint in cursive and then linder right under it

0:12:50 Tom: And then we get like a bar because you can also get Lindt chocolate bars and the bars just say Lindt on them. Yeah. The lender is just the truffle. So, the lender is the truffle and the...

0:12:54 Thomas: Really I okay that I don't think I've seen did you guys go to college for this how do you fucking know how do y

0:13:03 Tom: It's like they sell it at CVS.

0:13:03 Eli: It's crazy, it's like your diet coke I don't understand is that is that the female version of the soda Yeah,

0:13:09 Thomas: Y'all know I have never had anything other than the balls of this, that I'm pretty much of that. I'm sure.

0:13:17 Tom: Just balls all the time. You heard it there first. Thomas Smith, always balls.

0:13:19 Eli: We've all had the balls man because it's so fucking common.

0:13:23 Thomas: So I thought those were called Linder.

0:13:27 Eli: Okay, so it's exactly what I said exactly the very moment

0:13:29 Thomas: Oh, no, you aren't allowing for the fact that my brain doesn't read cursive. So fuck you. You don't get to piggyback off that.

0:13:33 Eli: You know what? That's fair I did not make that assumption the fact that I said chocolate balls and you didn't think of of one of the two chocolate balls that exist.

0:13:44 Thomas: I did. I did, I was, I suspected that was what you meant.

0:13:47 Tom: It's either this or those Ferrero Rocher things, right?

0:13:48 Eli: And I'd been saying Lind, and you were like, no, those are called Lindor. No need to bring those up right now.

0:13:54 Thomas: No, do you think I could remember what those were called without Googling it? I had no fucking memory of what they were.

0:13:58 Eli: Well, the Lindor is not in cursive, Thomas, so you gotta tell me.

0:14:01 Thomas: I don't know those. I do not know those things. Yes, exactly.

0:14:02 Tom: Unless thomas is faced with visual reminders of everything they everything doesn't exist unless he sees

0:14:08 Thomas: You know how they say, and this is actually genuinely a bad thing, when it comes to marriages and relationships, you form like a symbiotic brain relationship where you remember different things. Poor Lydia, I remember nothing. And then she's an enabler, bless her soul, because I'll be like, what's the name of the guy that's got the bigger laugh of the two on my show? And she'll be, like, Tom. And I'll, like. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The bigger laugh. Yeah. What's the guy who never laughs? Eli. Yeah, that guy.

0:14:27 Tom: It eli yeah that's it that's right yeah right yeah that'S yeah how would you know if his laugh is bigger no one's

0:14:33 Thomas: Yeah. Yeah. And that's how I have to go through my whole life.

0:14:33 Eli: Yeah, so and so, yeah.

0:14:38 Tom: Ever heard it it's yeah it's

0:14:38 Eli: Maybe

0:14:38 Thomas: Yeah. I was just assuming. That's a good point.

0:14:41 Eli: It's huge, yeah, yeah!

0:14:41 Tom: Like what is the sound a dodo makes I don't know they're fucking extinct we don't know all

0:14:43 Thomas: Maybe the one time Eli laughs, it'll blow the speakers.

0:14:46 Eli: Maybe I'm holding it back for your safety, fucking Black Canary style.

0:14:50 Tom: Right so I have a my mom is still alive and that's kind of surprising story so thus

0:14:57 Eli: Thus the intro to the episode, everybody.

0:14:59 Tom: The intro to the episode so eli very famously was shocked I think on air shocked to learn that my mom ist alive

0:14:59 Eli: I know you were worried we weren't gonna come back to it.

0:15:06 Thomas: Me too. No, no. This is a double. I absolutely.

0:15:07 Tom: I gave no indications that she had died it was just

0:15:10 Eli: Everything she ever said and did is an indication that she's dead.

0:15:12 Tom: Assumed so

0:15:12 Thomas: Yeah she has dead energy. I don't know.

0:15:16 Tom: I get this message from my brother the other day I'm walking through the grocery store I I get a message, look down and it's basically like, Hey, mom's dying. And I'm like, but I got groceries to buy. So I buy some groceries. I was like, I'll call you when I'm out of the grocery store. I get out ofthe grocery store. Give him a call. She lives down in Panama, by the way.

0:15:27 Eli: Click.

0:15:35 Tom: I don't know if I've mentioned that on the show before, but she expatted herself down to Panama and she lives in Panama. She speaks no Spanish.

0:15:35 Thomas: What was that? Her like trying to be wealthy. She's like, I hear all the wealthy people do this, but she has no, Oh, okay.

0:15:46 Tom: No, I think it's very much the opposite. It's like, a lot of people without a lot money go expat in Panama because you can live on your your social security. But she speaks very little or no Spanish. I think she may have learned a little or picked up a little in her time down there from what my brother said. So she goes evidently on a cruise. She gets sick on this cruise .She comes back and like she is from what my brother had told me, what Bob had told m. She's not responding to the oxygen or oxygen levels like 60 percent. You know, he had to like call the property manager of the place that she's living in. I'll tell you that story is fucking crazy and have an ambulance pick her up. And, you know, he's like it doesn't look good doesn't look like she's gonna come home from the hospital and I'm like okay yeah

0:16:25 Thomas: You had to clarify, doesn't look good as in she's going to survive or doesn't look. Yeah.

0:16:29 Tom: Right we are our versions of doesn't look good are different right I'm like yeah okay you know let me know what's going on you know keep me up to date or whatever so he's telling me this whole thing and at the same time I've got my earbuds in I'm walking out of the grocery store and up to my car and it's fucking crazy because like my brother doesn't know her address because like and this is just like a quick aside about Panama I actually look this up to make sure he wasn't full of shit because sometimes my brother will just be full of shit about something in panama outside of the major cities you might not have an address they don't have a standardized national addressing system so

0:16:43 Eli: I'm walking on said shin. We should steal their president.

0:17:10 Tom: Addresses will sometimes be it'll it'll sometimes be shit like near the church by the big rock third house on the left that's how you would address an envelope so he doesn't really like have a way to go to wherever she stays right Right. I guess she stays in some managed apartment complex. I'm guessing. And evidently she's got somebody down there that has been communicating with my brother because she was unable to communicate, communicating with me. My brother and like trying to keep him up to date. But this person doesn't speak English very well. My brother speaks no Spanish. She's on her way to the hospital. My brother's like, yeah, you know, I'm trying to get a hold of he's all like worked up and like I don't really give a shit.

0:17:13 Thomas: We might. Holy shit. Why? Yeah.

0:17:50 Tom: Yeah. Well, my brother's still like a tad. They still talk like every whenever. Ever. I don't know that he's very forgiving.

0:17:55 Thomas: Gross.

0:17:56 Tom: Yeah, I know. It's fucking crazy. I'm walking out to my car and I've got my earbuds in. My car is on because Finn is waiting in the car with the car running because I just ran into the grocery store to grab a couple of things. It transfers the call to my Bluetooth in the card. So I walk into my car. Oh, shit. Hang on. Let me switch it over. And then I have to have a conversation with Finn. I was like, hey, so you obviously overheard some of that. I think my mom might be dying. I're not a giant soulless ghoul. I just haven't talked to her in 30 years and I don't really have a connection there and then I felt weird about like my lack of any like real concern like you know I wasn't worried I was interested in sort of a curious way I'm interested in like how bob's doing how my brother is doing because I care about him but I like I'm just kind of curious about the outcome but then it also highlights how fucking insane that side of my family is because then like my brother's like hey do you you have any way to get a hold of her brothers? So my mom has two brothers, which means I have two uncles, but like, no, I don't.

0:18:23 Eli: Don't even trip, dog. Right.

0:18:59 Tom: I haven't talked to my mom in 30 years. I've been talking to these people in 35. Right. So like, I guess like on a piece of paper somewhere, they're my uncles and aunts and cousins, but I fucking have not seen these people. They live 3000 miles away. I haven'T seen them in literally 30 years who gives a shit, you know? And I'm like, why would I have any contact for these people, Bob? Like I havenT talked to mom in almost 30 years like her fucking brother are you kidding me I literally forgot she had a brother until he mentioned it so he's like yeah I'm trying to get a hold of him you know and nobody's got any contact information he's trying to reach them on facebook so I said well I just had an idea and this is just kind of a funny thing like my

0:19:36 Thomas: What if we don't give a shit and leave let's

0:19:36 Eli: Hang up the phone. What if we just put the phone down? What if I just put it down? What if you go to Texas Roadhouse?

0:19:38 Tom: Well I'm just trying to help for bob like that's the only thing I'm sure so

0:19:42 Eli: Have you had the toast?

0:19:43 Thomas: Get a delicious bag of lenders

0:19:44 Eli: The big garlic toast thing? Oh, it's so good.

0:19:47 Tom: I have years ago this was just kindof weird so many years ago like maybe maybe 10, 15 years ago, I got a random Facebook message from this guy named Ron. And Ron is the brother of my old stepfather that I've mentioned on the show before, died, his liver failed, drank himself to death with my mom. He messaged me years ago and he was like, hey, I knew you when you were very little. The family was crazy.

0:20:10 Thomas: That poor monkeys had to bury so many people you know it's just like the monkeys

0:20:16 Eli: John Wick in the

0:20:13 Tom: And like, yeah, right. And he's got this tiny shovel. The tiny shovel makes it way harder, actually.

0:20:19 Eli: Rain cracking open the cement when he learns your mom's still alive

0:20:20 Thomas: The yeah that point the monkey might as well not change out of the suit that's for the funerals you know just

0:20:26 Tom: So I have a connection on Facebook book. We had like a nice exchange back and forth. So sorry that everything happened the way it happened. You know, if you ever wanted to like talk or whatever, I'm former family and I was around and think about you guys sometimes. It's a very sweet message. It was a very sweet message while he

0:20:39 Eli: Cool how come you didn't do anything it's crazy that you saw that happening to it I was a child you saw me as a child being abandoned and neglected and now you want to talk to me as an adult do you have a time machine is that what it is you got a time machine that we can both get in where you don't fucking let me just live in

0:20:44 Thomas: Like everyone's

0:20:48 Tom: Didn't live nearby or anything. So

0:20:55 Eli: Hell for most of my

0:20:56 Tom: Very little in my life. Thank God. So I have this, I realized I have have this contact with my former stepfather's brother right and I was like oh if my mom is dying maybe my other brothers and sisters because I've mentioned on this show before that when I was little I had uh stepbrothers and I had two stepbrathers and two stepsisters and I Was like I guess maybe they would want to know I should reach out to the ron and let him know so I reach out to ron And he comes back and he's like yeah well you know michelle and ann don't talk to anyone from the family anymore and michael's in prison and brian is dead and I'm like I'm so glad so glad to hear that everybody's doing great you know it's fucking that's not insane

0:21:37 Thomas: Right where I would

0:21:36 Eli: Life yeah Yeah. In those quiet moments at Night of the Soul, there must have been moments where you were like, am I missing out on something? And then the first time you touch base, it's like, well, the first Time Brian shot Michelle, she didn't necessarily die. She died physically, but not spiritually. I know this is a psychic medium.

0:21:52 Tom: For real I have thought so many times like i'M SO GLAD MY DAD GOT ME THE FUCK OUT OF FLORIDA like iM SO GLAAD because they had a custody battle at one point I'm likE man if my mom had won that I would have grown up in a trailer in tampa bay florida that is how that would have played out for me yeah right yeah I'd have been right

0:22:10 Thomas: Assume jesus christ yeah to the extent you did grow up

0:22:11 Eli: I mean, you wouldn't have made it, but you would have been forever, whatever period you were in. Yeah. Yeah. The tragedy would have struck in a trailer in Florida.

0:22:16 Tom: To the extent I would've lived to grow up that is what my growing up would've been right like it would've just been fucking

0:22:24 Eli: Yeah, yeah. I would have loved to be there for that custody battle while your mom was like Your Honor, I fucking put

0:22:28 Thomas: Yeah I know every time he says this I I'm in

0:22:31 Tom: Insane

0:22:31 Eli: Him on a plane and I said get the fuck out of my house but now I want him back in my house You've

0:22:37 Tom: Yeah I can't even imagine what the argument is except for yeah

0:22:40 Eli: Seen Kramer vs. Kramer it's like that but with less reason I'm a less likable Meryl Streep

0:22:42 Thomas: Disbelief your honor the snabbing turtle is on his best behavior it there was an incident but the snatming turtle is he's assured I have an affidavit from the snapping

0:22:53 Tom: Yeah. I was snapping turtle affidavit. There's a monkey lawyer just like a chittering away with like. Yeah. So I like Ron's like, hey, you know, like that shit's crazy. And I actually had like a very nice exchange. And he's like. You know, if you ever wanted to talk and I'm like, I actually would sometime like to find out because I'm like, yeah, I have like a bunch of kid memories and I'd like it might be nice to like piece together kind of some of that story someday. But I'm not the time. So then come to find out she's gonna live she broke her hip she caught some virus and she's got emphysema I

0:22:59 Eli: He's an AA

0:23:19 Thomas: Turtle ah sorry I'm sorry for your loss sorry for you lost on

0:23:25 Eli: You know how a demon where they think they've killed it like when Michael rises back up up out of the swamp. I imagine it was that.

0:23:25 Tom: Know there is no putting this lady down right yeah a hundred percent yeah but

0:23:33 Thomas: Sorry for your gain oh

0:23:42 Ad: [Ad break 2 — ad music]

0:23:44 Tom: The reason like the real reason I want to talk about is that I have to have this conversation with my brother and I was like look this whole thing because he has no idea what to do and he says to me in a text exchange he's like I'm the executor of her will but I don't know what to do or what that means. And I pick up the phone and I call and I'm like, Bob, this is exactly the problem with that lady. No, I'm, like, this exactly the fucking problem with that lady, she was an irresponsible twit when she was 30, she's an irresponsible fucking asshole when she's 70. She wants you to be the executor of her will, you have no idea what you're executing. You don't know whether she owns property, you don't have a proper street address for her, you've no idea how to get in touch with her. She's clearly not set up an emergency contact she doesn't have like a power of attorney for health care or otherwise set up for somebody local you don't have that so you can go do the things that you're supposed to she's done none of the stuff you do as a grown -up and that's why you're stressed you have all of the worry and none ofthe fucking ability to act and also my brother is like fucking paralyzed in an emergency situation he's like the worst

0:24:01 Eli: Give me that money right now.

0:24:51 Thomas: I was just with how fucked up your family was I was like yeah did you get

0:24:51 Tom: Person yeah no

0:24:53 Eli: I thought you were gonna tell us he was actually paralyzed from the neck down. She threw him into a sterile pool when he was nine.

0:24:59 Tom: Did I not mention that I thought everybody had a paralyzed no

0:25:05 Eli: That's when my head was swollen.

0:25:06 Tom: So I did tell him I was like if if something happens you're gonna be upset and I'm not so something happens and you want me to just take care of it

0:25:13 Eli: Rough. Hey, T -Dog, maybe a little bit of fucking, little bit smooth. I know you'll be sad, but I'll actually feel kind of good, like alive.

0:25:19 Tom: He knows that I don't give a shit like I I'm dispassionate I passionate about the whole thing

0:25:26 Eli: Hey,

0:25:27 Thomas: Yeah dispassionate sure yeah he's just objective you know he's just

0:25:30 Eli: Bob, you got off the phone with your brother? You got off your phone with, Oh, I know he's your older brother. He loves you so much. What did he say about your mom? What guidance did he offer you? Well, dear, he told me he's dispassionate. He offered me a pass.

0:25:41 Tom: I don't care like I offer to take care of all the like practical stuff because he's just like absolutely overwhelmed by it

0:25:52 Thomas: Uh jesus dude because you need another fucking thing to worry about

0:25:55 Tom: Well like no like so we're talking and he's like I don'T have a passport how am I gonna I'm like what would you go down there for and I'm like what Would you go there for he's like well to claim the body

0:26:03 Thomas: Because you got to execute the person

0:26:06 Tom: And I was like no you don't claim the body Bob I'm like you call a funeral home you have the fucking body cremated and you Save on postage.

0:26:13 Thomas: Jesus haven't you ever murdered anyone before jesus

0:26:16 Eli: Did you tell him to put it in the red bag? And then it goes out on Fridays.

0:26:20 Tom: I was like, they'll ship that shit to you. It'll cost you $100 to have that thing shipped to you from Panama or $30 ,000 to have a body shipped. What are you talking about? Go down there. That's insane. And I was, like, do you want any of her stuff? And he's, like. I don't know. Like, do I want any souvenirs or mementos or fucking keepsakes? And he is, like., I'm not sure. He is ,like., but if I.

0:26:30 Thomas: Bob just want to know if the monkey's okay I just want the monkey that's all I want it's gilligan right uh oh man I picture actually gilligan as the executor of the will

0:26:46 Tom: The monkey is not okay, man. That monkey's gilligan has been dead a long time.

0:26:50 Eli: Now I'm picturing Bob and the monkey just embracing in the rain over a coffin while it's so hard to say goodbye plays in the background. And he points to a stranger in the room and everyone's like and it's a monkey

0:27:05 Thomas: Like everyone gasps

0:27:12 Tom: So like there's a monkey on top of three raccoons in a trench coat that's what the

0:27:18 Eli: I remain dispassionate I think the animal stacking thing is cool but I want to be clear that my investment here is about balancing

0:27:20 Thomas: Yeah how

0:27:24 Tom: Fuck well I I was like what would you do if you got down there and he's like well I would talk to the property manager you know hope he would let me in he's not gonna let you in you don't even even has the same last name and you don't have any paperwork why would anybody let you into the building

0:27:44 Thomas: Do you know how to do all this nah

0:27:46 Tom: Because it's not complicated if you just think about it like you are supposed to and that's kind of what I want to talk about a little bit on the show like you're supposed to have some of this stuff worked out right ahead of time so that so that people in your life don't half to do it and like my stupid fucking mom has done nothing so my brother doesn't know what to do and he doesn't know what her assets are and he doesn't know how to get in the building or have a key and he doesn't have he doesn'T have anything so he's just trying to figure it out I'm like yeah dude you're fucked because this idiotic irresponsible dipshit who's been an idiotic responsible dipshit for fucking 47 years of her life that I'm aware of has done none of the work to make this easy on you and so now you have to deal with the stress of maybe losing somebody and also not knowing how how to handle it because she's done none of the fucking seven hours worth of work it would take to make this a hundred hours easier on you it fucking it made me so mad again at that stupid fucking woman for like creating another problem with her dumb death you know and she didn't even have the courtesy to die

0:27:58 Eli: Animals oh it's insane

0:28:52 Thomas: Disagree jesus christ

0:28:53 Eli: Right she can't even die without making everyone else sad and scared and do paperwork

0:28:59 Tom: Well like I don't that's why I volunteer to do because I'm not gonna be sad I'm just gonna be like yeah it's fucking paperwork I know how to do paperwork but like Like, it just struck me, like, fucking do that. Like, if you're a parent out there, like if you'RE a listener, if YOU'RE a parent out there—even if you don't have two fucking nickels to rub together, that is not the point. You can set up a will and a power of attorney and a healthcare power of attorney in, like—essentially no time and with very little cost—that will at least get you 85 % of the way there.

0:29:29 Tom: I don't know. It just feels like—like basic shit. It just feels like basic grown -up parenting shit and it just blew my mind that like my brother is stressing out and like I'm like yeah you're not gonna have the ability to do any of that stuff you're gonna show up and be like yeah my name is bob curry I'm here for pam mcdonald's stuff and they're gonna be like awesome story also we don't speak english and that's it that's it because you've got nothing like oh it makes me fucking nuts the whole situation just made me absolutely so mad. It is. I feel like it is kind of like irresponsible, like wildly irresponsible.

0:29:29 Thomas: What is this an infomercial yeah what an

0:30:03 Eli: It's insane so here's the thing right if you're the money in your house and you don't have a trust and a will and an emergency fund and all this stuff for when you die all you're doing is you're setting up a prank on your spouse on the worst day of their life they're already gonna be like my love is gone oh my love and then you're like ah your credit card doesn't work it fucking rules it's a fun prank fun fact it is the third or fourth depending on the year you're checking number one reason that people go bankrupt is bereavement is that just bereaveman ends up costing so much or they can't get access to their spouse's money it's like that and fucking medical debt and a gambling problem are the ways to just absolutely destroy your spouse's life Mm

0:30:20 Thomas: Asshole oh

0:30:53 Tom: Well, and I'll tell you this too, depending on the circumstances, it is not always the case that your assets pass 100 % necessarily to your spouse. And it's also not always the case that your spouse has the authority to make medical decisions on your behalf. If you're incapacitated, you have to have paperwork. Like if you don't have paperwork, work, you're just hoping that everybody is chill.

0:31:14 Eli: Notarized paperwork, yeah. Mm -hm.

0:31:15 Thomas: Wow notarized okay but what if your death is written in

0:31:19 Eli: Ha -ha -ha! Well, then you gotta hope you've got a doctor without ADD.

0:31:23 Thomas: Cursive Jesus Christ this whole thing well okay I don't want to make it all about me but this whole thing is because they're like do you have a will and I'm like there's a will there's a way I agree and they're like you don't have a will I'm like yeah oh I don't have a way you know like everyone has a will and they're like no let's do a whole episode about Thomas doesn't do things and then

0:31:43 Tom: You've got to do this.

0:31:44 Thomas: Now I'm like, all right, fucking A.

0:31:46 Eli: To be fair, to be fair. We didn't go, hey, let's do an episode about how Thomas doesn't do things. Tom was like, can you believe this irresponsible bitch?

0:31:50 Thomas: Nah, that's how it felt.

0:31:55 Tom: That's how it happened. And yeah.

0:31:55 Eli: Just let everybody in her life flood down the drain. And Thomas was like... I was like yeah, man.

0:31:57 Thomas: Yeah, that is more like how it happened, yeah. The good thing about me, though, is that kind of stuff doesn't affect me at all, because I'm like, I like, no, I earned that. Like, I'm fine. Yeah. I have no, that was an honest window. Tom didn't mean anything personal by it it was an honest window into how tom will look at my dead body oh

0:32:10 Eli: Nah, it's on me. Oh

0:32:17 Tom: I actually, in the chat, I was like, there's no way Thomas doesn't have a will.

0:32:21 Thomas: That's you know you're right you did say it was so nice of you that was so kind of

0:32:21 Eli: It's great

0:32:21 Tom: I was, like, you have

0:32:25 Eli: I would like to read it if I have your permission to dox our private

0:32:27 Thomas: You yeah sure you can dox oh can you do one as a

0:32:30 Tom: Spreadsheets for everything. I just assumed this would be a thing up your alley. Yeah.

0:32:34 Eli: Communication

0:32:34 Thomas: Spreadsheet well that's a whole fucking

0:32:35 Tom: I'm sure you probably can. Yeah I thought you would could excel at it

0:32:38 Thomas: I I bequeath these cells to can I do with a formula if thomas equal dead the following ad yeah Yeah. Oh, okay. Well, if I could. Oh, shit. If that works, I'm doing it today.

0:32:46 Eli: Yeah then yeah then money to at lydia yeah exactly you can tag her on google docs yeah yeah so this is the conversation for those at home interested we should do an episode called get your fucking affairs in order you jackasses and I wrote oh yes that will be fun because thomas will be like I was gonna but then arlo punched all the wheels off the table and then tom says no way thomas doesn't at least have a will and I wrote there's a 50 chance thomas

0:33:16 Thomas: And even that was overestimating it.

0:33:16 Eli: Doesn't have a well either he will be like that's ridiculous of course I have a will or he'll be like all caps I'm so busy and that's a coin flip and then thomas confirmed you didn't have will and I said thank you thomas eat it tom right in your living mom's face

0:33:31 Tom: I had faith in you thomas I did at

0:33:35 Thomas: Oh, man. I know. Well, even like, honestly, even Eli's estimation was way too high. So it's like, oh, yeah, zero percent. Uh, I, I think

0:33:42 Eli: Yeah it's a generous 50 as a Jenner so

0:33:42 Tom: 50 so had you not even considered it like I genuinely like is it just something you were less like yeah it's probably not a big

0:33:49 Thomas: Lydia's parents have mentioned it a few times and then I'm like, yeah, we'll do that when we're dead. I don't know.

0:33:57 Eli: I'm gonna tip the hand a little and it's gonna gonna make us seem a little bit bit bougie, but I got to be honest, because there's only two moments where people actually get a will in their lives. Moment number one, your parent dies. They didn't have a will. It's the worst thing you've ever gone through. You're in a fucking three -year lawsuit with your cousin over a pair of earrings. And you're like, oh my God, I'll never do this to anyone again. But moment two is when you make a little bit of money, you get something called a financial advisor and the first thing that financial advisor says is hey man do you have a fucking will this is tony when I started using tony was like hey fat get a fucking wheel

0:34:31 Thomas: Uh, okay. Yeah, no, I haven't done either of those things. Oh, that's, oh, that hurts. Okay. Tony, I thank everyone's familiar from the, I hope everyone listened to the fantastic tax odyssey we went through where Tony is the biggest asshole in the world. Well plus a lot of other a lot of other and now yeah that's all I learned from it and now to hear this you know that's a that this is an intervention when when even Tony is like is like yeah man you got to be responsible I'm like fuck hmm

0:34:47 Eli: That's what they learned from that yeah

0:34:52 Tom: Deal when even tony yeah I will admit that like I probably I I work with attorneys all day every day that's like those are customers all of our customers in my line of business my day job are all attorneys 100 so like I admit that I'm probably biased toward that because I'm just just constantly working and talking with attorneys but I was also like my ex -father -in -law died suddenly and it was a fucking nightmare I remember being like a giant he just died in a work accident and you know he was a youngish guy you know probably at my age

0:35:24 Thomas: Holy shit I had no work accent that's horrible

0:35:32 Tom: Give or take you know maybe not much older yeah he fell off a thing and died and like it was like a fucking it was a whole like eli said it was giant fucking odyssey and nobody was even fighting about stuff it's just that like when you go to the bank you just can't be like yeah I would like this other person's stuff that's just not how it works you eventually will get it but like you have to jump through this enormous amount of hoops or you could just do that ahead of time while everyone's alive the other thing that hayley and I have talked about is like because we're step parents when we talked about this on the step parenting show one of the crazy things that is a true is that that if we both die, what the fuck happens to our family? We are a blended family that will just be pulled entirely apart. Now, granted, two out of four of the kids are over the age of 18. They can make adult choices about what they want to do and where they wantto live, but they're also of an age where they stand to inherit money as adults, and then the other kids, they can't inherit money. If we both died, you can't inherent money as a minor. That money has to go into like a guardian has to be appointed to distribute that money and they're the beneficiaries of it like that's a whole thing kids can't just get assets

0:35:50 Eli: Tom

0:36:45 Thomas: Oh neck

0:36:45 Tom: They can't like distribute your property to children yeah

0:36:48 Eli: Let me pitch you something you and haley die in a tragic neck accident right whatever your wife shows up yeah you blow the bones go out just catch her right in the center of her

0:36:53 Tom: Yeah right my neck explodes the bones go flying into her it's a shrapneck shrapnel neck shrapnels a real problem yeah uh -huh yeah yeah

0:36:54 Thomas: Accent oh yeah dang

0:37:01 Eli: Head right she's in the if she wasn't upside down on a pole at the time she would have been fine but she was so it sliced her head clean off imagine it however you like at home but then your crazy ex comes to show up at the same time as monster energy hat monster energy hat and your crazy acts fall in love the family stays

0:37:06 Tom: Yeah, just right. Yep, that'll happen. Yep. We've had similar fantasies, but they don't fall in love. They just hit each, like, head -on collision.

0:37:25 Eli: Together and then a sane baby emerges if you

0:37:25 Thomas: And with the cars

0:37:26 Tom: It's a head -and -collision situation. Solves a lot of problems. I'm just. Yeah.

0:37:33 Eli: Spin them of either side of that big cauldron collider and just the same baby ends in the center yeah the cauldrons collider yeah not as familiar as Lynn fucking chocolates oh

0:37:37 Thomas: Yeah cauldron collider yeah it's yeah

0:37:40 Tom: The Cauldron Collider. It's witchy. It's only turned on at Halloween, actually. Yeah.

0:37:54 Ad: [Ad break 3 — ad music]

0:37:55 Tom: I will give like to some degree thomas you're a young guy I'll give you a pass but like my mom's like 75 years

0:37:59 Thomas: Well yeah no you're right look everyone has always been right I have a hard enough time doing things for living me much less like hey dead tom do you want thomas do you wanna do stuff for dead thomas like that fucker who can't I can't even do stuff for living thomas come on can't even get all the way dead

0:38:11 Tom: Old yeah yeah it's for your kids

0:38:17 Eli: It's not for dead Thomas it's for it's first sad Anna

0:38:22 Thomas: Anna oh she getting my stuff which one am I married

0:38:22 Tom: Yeah well for lydia yeah it'S a weird

0:38:23 Eli: Lydia in your case sorry I should have I don't really care that a Nash is their name in cursive yeah

0:38:29 Tom: Bequeathal yeah you're just bequeathing everything to anna

0:38:31 Thomas: To so I figured if I died then lydia the stuff's in her name she gets the stuff right it's california no

0:38:31 Eli: No it's for sad anna no I mean if it's in her

0:38:41 Thomas: I think it is I don't

0:38:41 Eli: Name it's she gets it anything that's not in her name goes to court

0:38:44 Thomas: Know legally speaking I think the business is in both of our I think in californIA has to be I think I have to be on both of us pretty sure

0:38:51 Tom: Now I don't know california real well I know illinois very very well but like part of it also depends on how you hold title to a piece of of property. So let's say Illinois, I'll give you, yeah, but it's how you hold title to it. So I'll gave you an example of why it's a problem in Illinois. Like in Illinois, there are multiple ways for a couple to own a piece of property, right? So they can own a peace of property as tenants by the entirety as

0:39:00 Thomas: Oh yeah we both have the the house for sure oh yeah yeah

0:39:16 Tom: Joint tenants or as tenants in common in Illinois if it's just your names on the deed. So like if somebody prepares the deed and they don't specify tenancy, the the default tenancy in Illinois then becomes tenants in common. What tenants in common means is that my ownership and your ownership do not co -relate. So if I died, let's say Haley and I owned our house as tenants in common because somebody just wasn't paying attention. It literally happens 10 times a day. I see this constantly. It is a mistake. It is a common mistake. I die. Does Haley get my half of the the property? Absolutely not. My half of the property gets distributed to everybody that is my next of kin in a divisive way, in a divided way. So she would get half. Then the other half would get divided between my kids. So Finn would get a quarter and then Amon would get a quarter. But Amon can't have the quarter because Amon is under the age of 18. So a quarter of my My half interest in my property then would be bound up in the courts. And in order to gain access to it or to sell it, you'd have to go to court, petition the court for guardianship in order to act. It's a whole fucking thing. All because on a one document at closing, somebody didn't specify tenancy.

0:40:07 Eli: And me I get some

0:40:35 Tom: So it's not that simple.

0:40:34 Eli: Yes

0:40:36 Thomas: A dumb state thing but yeah no I did ours is not that

0:40:38 Tom: Yeah, but that's in most states. Most states have something similar. Almost every state.

0:40:40 Eli: It's in most states yeah yes

0:40:42 Tom: Almost every stage. Yeah.

0:40:41 Thomas: Most states are dumb

0:40:43 Eli: Yeah but also like the number of things that that also applies to that you don't count on right like like a really fun one is like cell phone bills it happens all the time because like I don't know about you but like does lydia know the password to the cell phone account does livia know the password to every online account because if she doesn't and she calls and she's like hey thomas the stop sign was in cursive and so he just blew right through and got hit by that train they're like too bad so fucking sad right if she's not a co -owner of that account and doesn't know that password where she's just pretending to be you to be clear like there's nothing they can do unless there's paperwork that shows that that transfers over to her I have a two -fold system I have the internet system which I recommend and everybody does. And then I have the legal system. So the internet system is there's a folder right square in the middle of my desktop called Flamingo. Eli, did you name your death folder after the same folder that the robot names in the Robin Williams vehicle flubber? Yes, I did. Thank you for asking podcast listener.

0:41:01 Thomas: Yeah fortunately yeah yeah yeah what

0:41:46 Tom: What just happened

0:41:47 Eli: And in that folder is every in the movie flubger, Robin Williams makes a robot who loves him. And when that robot dies, he discovers a folder on his desktop that has the design to make a new lady robot in that folder. And that folder is called Flamingo. And so that's why I call my, in case of death folder, Flaminggo. Yes, she can make a new Eli.

0:41:49 Thomas: I don't know anna's gonna make a lady robot

0:42:08 Tom: There I love that anna has to remember this in a moment of extreme

0:42:12 Eli: It's right in the center of the desktop.

0:42:12 Tom: Grief right and then flubber and then the flamingo okay yeah

0:42:15 Eli: I've told her, and it also says in case I die. So I hope she clicks on Flamingco. And in it, there's two folders.

0:42:21 Thomas: Sort of makes the flamingo worthless

0:42:21 Eli: There's every internet account with every password. There is the e -copies of the trust and the will and all that stuff. And then there's also and this is I highly recommend there's a bunch of videos I made for everybody in my life I just made a bunch videos

0:42:36 Tom: Oh no way I would I would not do that no the videos or the

0:42:37 Thomas: To be fair to me I think think of doing this a lot. Does that count for something? Oh yeah.

0:42:42 Tom: Or the rest of it I would never do the videos no

0:42:42 Thomas: I think of, I think of doing that a lot,

0:42:44 Eli: I have videos for almost everyone in my wife yeah,

0:42:45 Tom: I feel weird about out the

0:42:47 Thomas: Having young children. Part of me is like, man, I should just make it. And then it would be kind of funny if you don't die, then you get to watch them someday and be like, yeah, exactly. I would do one. Like I, that's my thought is like do one every year for each little kid or something until a certain age. I feel like I should do that. Okay.

0:42:54 Eli: I haven't from years ago, so I have old videos I don't do memory here, but I haven from a couple years ago But the first one in the old file, I'm like oh man I don' know what age I was when I met Anna But like I make a video for her when we're still dating and I'm hey Like, hey, I think we're going to get married. But just in case I die before that happens, I want you to know I was planning to marry you.

0:43:17 Thomas: That's weird. And she's still married you. You're making movies for her which is about your death when you're still dating. Okay. That's, that's a little weird. I don't know.

0:43:20 Tom: Videos that's very I am I the I don't want to make movies for the kid I've never even considered making the death movies yeah no

0:43:32 Thomas: Well, you're dispassionate.

0:43:36 Eli: I pass on my kids and having any. Well, it's kind of like the blog, right? It's a video version.

0:43:41 Tom: It's a way to remember I just don't want to be remembered visually like I don'T THINK THAT'S MY BEST MEDIUM I GUESS YOU KNOW know yeah yeah there I wear the mask yeah

0:43:46 Eli: I got it, yeah.

0:43:44 Thomas: Well do you, why don't you do like anonymous dust? You can, I'm

0:43:51 Eli: Do it with like a Snapchat filter on where you look like a puppy. That'd be fun.

0:43:55 Tom: I'm not a cat okay

0:43:57 Thomas: Not a cat. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Okay, so to be fair to me, I did eventually, it's been a minute so you know to be fair to me I did this a while ago I have a password manager and lydia has the master password all that so she can get every single password

0:43:58 Eli: I'm not a cat. Yeah, exactly. Make it fun. There you go.

0:44:13 Thomas: Now she currently can already get every single passport

0:44:14 Tom: All right well you're a quarter of the way there you just got to get the

0:44:18 Thomas: Yeah oh that's close

0:44:16 Eli: That's good. Good. You're not legally protected, but fucking

0:44:19 Thomas: Enough you shouldn't have told me that tom because I'm not doing the rest of it who

0:44:19 Tom: And the other thing you want I will say like the other thing you wanna do is get a fucking health care power of attorney and a regular power of attorney. Like you just don't want to be in a situation where there's any question whatsoever about who has authority in an emergency. And like there have been cases like where one family member, yeah, no, like look at a scenario.

0:44:39 Thomas: Else would do it I don't understand like besides lydia terry shivo's gonna come

0:44:42 Eli: Terry Shivo, man. Yeah. Your shitty mom could show up and be like, Thomas is Catholic and he doesn't want to die.

0:44:50 Thomas: Nah that's the one good thing about my stupid family is they wouldn't do that

0:44:55 Eli: Is they'd let you die.

0:44:55 Thomas: Well lydia they would recognize lydia's in fucking control do you think my family's gonna be like no I have

0:44:56 Tom: Yeah. I'll tell you what.

0:45:01 Eli: I bet you Terry thought the same thing.

0:45:03 Tom: I don't know, man. Okay.

0:45:03 Eli: I bet she was like, I'm so excited for my ski weekend. Let me tell you, my parents, when

0:45:03 Thomas: A more no no if there's one thing I can count on my family for are you kidding that is I am more certain of that than anything in the world and if anyone was stupid my brother would be like no you fucking idiot like there's no chance he would talk them out of it there's not No chance.

0:45:19 Tom: Well, let me offer this as a counter to that. Putting together a power of attorney will literally take you five minutes and then if you don't need it because it's they're not complicated you need two of them you want a health care power of attorney and then you want a durable power of eternity that like covers all the other stuff and

0:45:37 Eli: There's like a storm and your power goes out,

0:45:40 Thomas: Yeah, what?

0:45:40 Tom: You just throw them in your safe it just means that they last come

0:45:43 Thomas: Dear God. Do you have a safe, Eli? Oh, you probably do, huh?

0:45:46 Eli: Of course I have to say,

0:45:47 Thomas: Fucking who has a safe?

0:45:47 Tom: On do you not have a document safe

0:45:48 Eli: Where my guns are.

0:45:49 Thomas: No. All my documents, they're on the computer, man. It's not the 70s. Everything is on a computer. Do you put a computer in a safe. I put a laptop in a save.

0:45:55 Tom: No no listen listen to me no you listen to me you need originals for some of this stuff it's still

0:46:01 Thomas: The original file is on the original computer.

0:46:03 Tom: No that's an original is,

0:46:05 Thomas: If I printed something out, that would be less original than the thing that's on the computer.

0:46:07 Tom: It's not an original. It's not an original, you're

0:46:09 Eli: Hey, Lydia, if you're listening, you and the kids can come stay at the house while you're in probate court for a couple of years don't you worry about it we actually have a printer here in new jersey we managed to print out

0:46:20 Thomas: Printer send me

0:46:12 Tom: So screwed Oh my god I'm gonna send you a safe I'm Gonna fly to California, I'm going to send a notary and a safe to you, and we're just gonna I'm Going to bolt you to a chair and spend 40 minutes and just fix this

0:46:26 Eli: It's got my mom inside

0:46:23 Thomas: A safe there'll be there'll be nothing inside that safe I will put one receipt from Best Buy in that safe that's like well this was a good computer I bought ah Lydia has us some hey that's it now it's not on me Lydia's got this somewhere I don't know

0:46:36 Tom: What about like birth certificates and social security cards and passports and, she should have been a safe safe they should be in a safe like a fireproof safe

0:46:44 Eli: It cool why are they not

0:46:48 Thomas: I don'T KNOW fireproof safe

0:46:48 Eli: They're not in a safe why are THEY NOT IN A SAFE thomas what if there's a fire thomas

0:46:51 Tom: What is happening right now you are not 20

0:46:53 Eli: WHAT IF THERE'S A FIRE

0:46:54 Thomas: A fire yeah I mean I guess there could be if I could be a certifier yeah sure yeah none of it yeah no no piece of paper matters I'm with you yeah

0:46:56 Tom: They are fireproof safes these are fire proof

0:46:58 Eli: Just take a moment think about the paper that matters wedding wedding license lots of fires

0:47:01 Tom: Documents you live in california there's always a fire that is not accurately true that is Not true

0:47:09 Thomas: Zero of them matter they're all on the

0:47:12 Tom: No if your social security card is not on the computer your birth certificate is not On the computer it doesn't count thomas no if you You're crazy.

0:47:12 Eli: They're not they're not

0:47:14 Thomas: Computer we have a scan of it I have a scanner of it on the supercomputer oh it counts it counts

0:47:15 Eli: They are so not no those aren't real Thomas

0:47:22 Thomas: Counts for what what are you doing with it who has ever done anything

0:47:26 Tom: If you go to the DMV,

0:47:26 Eli: They need

0:47:29 Thomas: With so in case my kids need to get a license in my name what are they doing with my fucking social security

0:47:31 Tom: I brought a copy of my passport printed out. What is happening right now?

0:47:37 Eli: It for so many things this is like it's hard we would spend the

0:47:38 Thomas: Card oh that's funny oh no I'm definitely crazy I'm not I'm not debating that I just don't care I don't know this

0:47:43 Tom: I feel crazy right now. Crazy.

0:47:43 Eli: Rest of the episode it's so important okay

0:47:51 Thomas: Computers it's

0:47:51 Tom: What if your computers don't survive the fire?

0:47:54 Thomas: All in the cloud it's on the oh come on tom that one doesn't count that's a dumb

0:47:57 Tom: It's on the cloud. Okay. It's not in the cloud, sure. Yeah.

0:47:58 Eli: Yeah no hey judge can I send you a drop box link what do you mean no I want want you to picture the last time you went to the post office, alright? Picture the person behind the counter. Don't use any descriptor words, but just picture the person behind the counter, and now I want you do a picture. Lydia, all black, tears running down her face, right? She's at the DMV place. Yeah, she's got the veil thing, and she's at the DMVR. Picture the last times you went to the DMR. She's holding a phone with a Dropbox on it.

0:48:04 Thomas: Question yeah that's they do do that nowadays never go I never go to the post office oh she should do the veil thing that they used to do I like that I might do that if she dies

0:48:30 Eli: She goes, do you take these? In your imagination, does that person say yes?

0:48:34 Thomas: Sorry is she trying to mail something what is she doing at the post house I don't yeah there's nothing you'd have to describe something that I understand that she's trying to do because I don'T KNOW WHAT'S HAPPENING right now oh

0:48:36 Eli: She's trying to do anything ever don't even trip about what she's trying to Lindor all right gentlemen before we go why did the sperm cross the road because I put on the wrong socks this morning

0:48:53 Clip: DEAR OLD DAD

0:49:09 Tom: Oh my god it took me a second because he beats off into a sock oh my god

0:49:13 Thomas: Gotcha yeah yeah that's it okay I like that that was boy I really was stumped on that for a sec that's

0:50:06 Eli: Filled up a kiddie pool with jelly beans and I put them all in my butt again

0:50:14 Tom: Just balls all the time

0:50:15 Thomas: As accurate as calendars get my brain says fuck that don't need it

0:50:21 Eli: I'm a less likable Meryl stream.

0:50:24 Tom: Awesome story also we don't speak English

0:50:28 Eli: I remain dispassionate!