DOD250: No Will? No Way!

Transcript

This transcript was generated automatically and may contain errors — the audio is the record.

0:00:28 Tom: Welcome to Dear Old Dads, the podcast whose mom is still alive. That's weird. I'm Tom Curry. I'm joined as always by Thomas Smith and Eli Bosnick. Hello, gentlemen.

0:00:33 Thomas: Oh,

0:00:34 Eli: Hmm. For the record, I'm glad my mom is still alive. I just, uh, this time it only applies to one member of the podcast.

0:00:43 Tom: It just applies to one of us, you know.

0:00:44 Thomas: I'm glad my mom's still alive.

0:00:46 Eli: No, you shouldn't be.

0:00:47 Thomas: Shut up. Such a dick.

0:00:50 Eli: Maybe when she dies, you'll be like, oh, she did her best living. She's still alive, if you think about it, she's still alive. She really tried to be alive.

0:00:55 Tom: Trying

0:00:55 Thomas: She's great. Like I said, she watches the Sharks now and like texts me about it. I think it's her way of trying to like, kind of, yeah.

0:01:01 Tom: To have some kind of relationship with you? Yeah, right.

0:01:03 Eli: Connection.

0:01:03 Thomas: And like, honestly it works.

0:01:06 Eli: Hey, hockey.

0:01:06 Thomas: My burnt out brain is like, yeah, I will be watching this. And if someone else is watching, it's like, oh, cool. I'll talk to you. Yeah.

0:01:12 Eli: Nice. And then she texts Lydia about Heated Rivalry. And then everybody's on the same page. Are the women in your lives in touch with Heated Rivalry? Oh

0:01:17 Thomas: Oh my God. That'd be really funny. Well, you know, what's funny is I actually, Lydia, so Lydia was doing this before it was cool because she's read, she's had for a long time, a book version of that, not that book, but like a different one that I think might even predate that one that she's been reading for a long time. And, uh, it's been funny. It's been a joy. I like hearing about it, but then this thing comes out, you know, and these Johnny come lately or Johnny coming lately to this. Yeah. And what's funny is she watched a few episodes and then like Like we were actually not sure. I don't know if you guys do this, but like it was on the line of like, well, do you want to watch this? And I was like, I mean, I might just because like everybody's talking about it. So poor Lydia, I think she stopped because like she wasn't sure if I was going to watch it with her. And so I think I think he's only gotten through like two, three episodes. I feel bad.

0:01:47 Eli: They, they don't, they do not come lately, let me tell you.

0:01:47 Tom: Johnny come often. Yeah, yeah, right, yeah.

0:02:12 Eli: Oh, so sad.

0:02:12 Thomas: Maybe we should make that happen.

0:02:13 Tom: You should just tell her that you'll watch it with her and then, you know, yeah, right, yeah.

0:02:15 Thomas: No, we were. I was, like, oh, yeah. And then we just didn't have time.

0:02:19 Eli: So, Tom, are you aware of Heated Rivalry?

0:02:22 Thomas: He is now. We told him about it, didn't we?

0:02:22 Tom: I know it's a gay hockey show, right? Like, it's like, yeah, that's all I know. It's literally all I

0:02:23 Eli: Is a gay hockey show? It's a relatively explicit gay hockey Show. And what's great about it is, so here's the thing, if you're a sex weirdo and you're lady, you realize relatively, relatively quickly that a lot of straight women, not all, not all, but some, really like watching gay porn. Why? Because they love penises. And now you get two for the price of one. Same reason that dudes like watching lesbian porn.

0:02:28 Tom: Now, okay.

0:02:47 Tom: I was just saying, yeah, like, sure, right, yeah.

0:02:50 Eli: It doesn't translate because women's sexuality is so placed into a box, and they're totally like, ah, you don't want anything. You don't want to, you hate everything, right? And so what you see happening with Heated Rivalry, which I love so much, is just a bunch of normies who didn't discover that straight women sometimes like to watch gay porn thing live in real time. It's delicious, it's beautiful, it's wonderful. I

0:03:11 Thomas: Who didn't discover. Wait, what?

0:03:12 Tom: Yeah, I think, I think, like, it generally socially accepted that, like, yeah, dudes like lesbian porn, and it's less socially, like, normalized that some women are gonna like gay porn.

0:03:23 Eli: Know.

0:03:23 Thomas: Yeah, I have rarely heard of, in my life, any women who actually like gay porn. That's kind of weird.

0:03:27 Eli: Oh, you got, you got to get into the perv space. The perv space. This is established. There are rough stone tablets.

0:03:30 Thomas: Yeah.

0:03:33 Tom: But I think that's the difference, though, is that, like, it's socially just a norm outside of perv space is that, like, yeah, like, two ladies kissing, like, that's hot. Like, everybody's like, you know, down with that, like. It's just like a kind of niche stuff socially speaking that, like, women would be like, oh, I'm into gay porn. Like, that just kind of, like, been pushed out of the narrative. I don't know, like, how popular it is. Clearly Heated Rivalry is doing very well, though, because become, like, a whole thing, right? Like, it is, like, having a fucking moment right now.

0:03:43 Thomas: Yeah.

0:04:00 Eli: Oh yeah, oh, it's having a moment. And here's the thing about the perv space, right? Because there are sort of two directions of the perps space. When you're in the pervs space, it's kind of like quicksand, which is you're always trying not to get dragged down into the part of the perv space that is not cash money, and it's always waiting, and it's constant. The force is like gravity. You are always being pulled at all times. There's no holding in stasis in the perp space. Everything you do, you gotta

0:04:13 Thomas: Jeez.

0:04:29 Thomas: You got to be treading water, huh?

0:04:31 Eli: Like, exactly. It's like playing paintball. You kind of, like, peek around the corner. Okay, nothing, nothing not cashed money over there. You gotta do that. But so there's this lovely moment that is sometimes you see the toes of normal people just gently descending down next to you a little bit into the perv space. Oh yeah, and if you're into toes, that's another thing for you. But is there's this lovely moment because you've been there for so long, and especially for older people like me, I'm almost 40 years old

0:04:38 Thomas: Oh, okay. I thought you were talking about toe porn or foot. Yeah.

0:04:59 Eli: Right. When I was a pervert, it was like a really bad thing. It's hard, hard to describe to young people, but, like, you have to understand that being a entirely consensually minded pervert was still a tremendously bad thing until 9-11, right? They just fucking, it was like if you jerked off to toasters alone in your home, they were like, put that guy under the jail, set him on fire and kill his dog.

0:04:59 Thomas: Jesus Christ.

0:05:00 Tom: That's so old.

0:05:28 Eli: And So it's so lovely to watch people Join. But it's also, it brings about, like, a longing, you

0:05:28 Thomas: Toasters. Jerk off to toasters. Oh, wow.

0:05:37 Tom: I got to ask, like, how do you define the perv space or what a pervert is?

0:05:41 Thomas: Being into toaster stuff.

0:05:42 Eli: Know, toaster stuff.

0:05:43 Tom: Yeah, is it all toaster stuff?

0:05:45 Thomas: Stuff. Yeah. It's exclusively toaster stuff.

0:05:45 Tom: Just because, like sometimes I'll take a bath and have a toaster on the edge of it and think maybe today's the day.

0:05:45 Eli: It's mostly toaster stuff.

0:05:50 Thomas: Hey, Eli, you more into the toaster oven or, like, the one that, like, you, it's got a pot. Yeah, no, that's true. Sometimes I like it when the one that is the oven does it with the one that pops. 'Cause it's really taboo, you know what I mean? Like, it's, it's really, yeah

0:05:53 Eli: Oh no, it's got a pop. Are you kidding? No, no, no, we Call those clampos in the toaster space.

0:06:04 Tom: Clampos.

0:06:04 Eli: We hate those. Here's how I define the pervert space, which is that at some point in your life you realize that one of your hobbies, maybe your major hobby, is fuck stuff, and that's when you gotta admit you're a pervert, right? If you think about and do fuck stuff more than you ride your bike, you're pervert, and you gotta Get into the pervert space, right? Exactly. If someone asks you your hobby, they're like, what'd you do this weekend, and the answer is, I filled up a kiddie pool with jelly beans and I put them all in my again, but then you have to say CrossFit, you're in the perverts space, because normal people, and Tom, correct me if I'm wrong here, normal people, they do a tremendous amount less fuck stuff. They meet up with their partner two to three times a week. They're like, hey, care for some fuck stuff? I would love some fuckstuff, Gerald. Let's head into the bedroom. Maybe tonight we could turn the lights on, and that's good, and if that's fucking great, and

0:06:04 Thomas: Or golf Or something Yeah

0:07:03 Eli: You get older and you fan and you jerk off a couple of times a weeks, and bless them.

0:07:07 Thomas: I don't understand that. That part is weird to me when you hear about the couples that are like, yeah, no, we do, you know, like once every six months we have sex. I'm like, oh, so you're not together or what? Or, like, you know, it's, that's crazy to me. I don't understand.

0:07:18 Eli: Yeah, they're not in the space. They're just enjoying a different kind, and you know what, more power to them. Say hi, say hi. But it is like being a heroin addict when someone else talks to you about how much they love chocolate, right? Like, you're sitting there jonesing, waiting to do, you can inject something between your toes again, and Nancy from HR is like, no, seriously, I keep a whole bag of lint On my desk, and you're like, sounds bad. Sounds really bad.

0:07:24 Thomas: I sure, I guess.

0:07:42 Thomas: Sure.

0:07:45 Tom: The Chocolates. Lint chocolates. L

0:07:45 Thomas: Lint? What?

0:07:48 Eli: The Lindt chocolate's. Lindt what? Lindt chocolate. Little round balls.

0:07:48 Thomas: There's a lint chocolate? Oh, that, dang it, that was a good joke, but I've never heard of that. Oh, sorry, my

0:07:50 Tom: -I-N-D-T. Yeah, yeah, lint chocolate, it's a very, very, very well

0:07:54 Thomas: Bad. What is, what is that? Is that a Regional thing? What? I've never heard of this. What the fuck? Okay, so I won't distract

0:07:57 Tom: -known chocolate. Yeah, no, no.

0:07:57 Eli: Yeah, those are pretty universal. You're a time traveler. You're weird.

0:08:03 Thomas: You, I, that's just a weird me thing. Yeah, Lydia will tell me later that I'm an idiot or something, because I've, I've never heard of that. Anyway, move on.

0:08:08 Eli: I guarantee you it's going to be a weird Thomasism where he's going to be like, oh no, we called those Bobo Balls. Those were the Bobo Balls in California. They sold them loose out of a vending machine in my high school, but it, they wasn't refrigerated, so they would come down wet and they'd leave the vending Machine as soft as a baby's fist, let me tell you. So there's a thing that happens sometimes too in the pervert space, and then we could talk about our show, I promise, which is that someone will be like, I'm a pervert, and yeah, the first time you're like, ah, nice, and so you go full pervert with them.

You're like, that's fucking awesome. All right, I got the tub full of jelly beans and I got the scoop. I stole it from one of those pick and mix things they had at Toys R Us, so we're all set to start, and they're like, ew, I meant I do you blowjobs, and you're like, oh fuck, fuck Jesus. Ah, I'm so sad because you are, you're sorry, you don't want anyone to have a noggin. You're like, I'm so sorry that you thought that was what I meant. Yeah, so you got to be careful. But, gentlemen, do you know the only thing worse than discovering your sexual partner isn't ready to fully scoop as many jelly beans as your rectum can

0:08:11 Thomas: Yeah.

0:08:24 Tom: Oh, Jesus Christ.

0:08:59 Thomas: I do blowjobs. Yeah.

0:09:19 Eli: Hold into your open and waiting butthole. Why? It's the auto ads. The butthole of podcasting. We've been podcasting for a few minutes, so you've heard 74 of those ads by now. They keep us alive. They keep a strong, but you can make us stronger over at patreon .com forward slash dear old dads, where for as little as a dollar, you get a commercial free extended version of every single show, a little parenting story at the end, bonus episodes every single month on average, They don't

0:09:19 Tom: Jesus. Fuck.

0:09:35 Thomas: I keep those jelly beans flowing into Eli's anus.

0:09:50 Thomas: No, it is every single month.

0:09:50 Eli: Always appear in the month that they are for. But if you took all the months of a show and you divided them out, you would find that there is one every month. Monthish. There's a monthlier.

0:09:57 Thomas: It's every single, what is, what, come on. Every month within, it's the month plus or minus two days.

0:10:07 Eli: You know, just like the calendar. Where on January 1st it's like, I mean, you get it,

0:10:09 Thomas: Yeah, exactly. Exactly. That's as accurate as calendars get.

0:10:14 Tom: It's as accurate as calendars, guys.

0:10:14 Eli: January-ish. Yeah. But you can join us. Patreon.com forward slash dear old. Yeah, yeah.

0:10:22 Tom: The famed relative inaccuracy of calendars. Yeah, I love that. Yeah, yeah.

0:10:22 Thomas: Thanks, Tom. Yeah, it's like, well, it stopped on principle, you know.

0:10:28 Eli: Tuesday, I like

0:10:30 Tom: It's, I don't know, scatter day.

0:10:32 Thomas: Heisenberg principle, you can get only so close to the date or the position.

0:10:35 Eli: Little bit Tuesday, little bit Monday, you know how it is. I'm tired.

0:10:39 Tom: Join us for our Smarch special.

0:10:42 Eli: Anyways, you can get into all that over at patreon.com forward slash Dear Old Dads, like Thomas into a fresh bag of Lindt chocolates. Rip into

0:10:58 Ad: [Ad break 1 — ad music]

0:11:00 Thomas: Lindt chocolate? You've made this up. The fuck? Okay.

0:11:03 Tom: No, it's like they're a major global brand.

0:11:04 Eli: It it's such a crazy thing for you not to know

0:11:07 Thomas: This is so annoying. I need to Google. It. Lindt chocolate.

0:11:08 Eli: About yeah

0:11:09 Tom: Legitimately a major global brand like it's actually really funny.

0:11:12 Eli: Here's how common it is you're about to write the word lint like dryer lint into to Google and it's going to auto -correct and be like, oh, you mean the incredibly common Lindt chocolate. Here you go.

0:11:16 Thomas: Yep, that's exactly what happened. Of course.

0:11:23 Tom: You can buy them at like the pharmacy.

0:11:26 Thomas: Oh, the balls. The other balls. The balls.

0:11:29 Eli: I already described them as balls.

0:11:29 Tom: You described them as balls of chocolate already.

0:11:31 Thomas: Yeah.

0:11:31 Eli: And the idea for you to, and for you to say, oh the balls right now is truly the most hurtful thing you could do to me.

0:11:39 Thomas: Wait, is it

0:11:40 Tom: L .I .N .D .T.

0:11:40 Thomas: Lint. Oh, it's Linder, so it's like lit, it's lent, Linder. Yeah, it says on the box L-I-N-D-T-L-I and D-O-R. Yeah. And if I go on target, it's listed as linder.

0:11:43 Tom: No, it's not Linder, it's L-I-N-D-T. No. Oh yeah, lint, Linder. Yeah, right. But it's, yeah, the brand is lint Oh, I don't know why the brand has lint.

0:11:58 Thomas: That's weird. So here's what's happening, I think. On the box or on the bag of balls, the lint is in cursive, something that my brain says, fuck that, don't need it. The linder is, I mean, I can, but my brain, this is literally an ADHD thing. Yeah, it is like, oh, that is the last thing.

0:12:08 Tom: Yeah, I can't read that. No, your brain just won't. Yeah, right. Right.

0:12:17 Eli: No, it's not an ADHD. I was so ready to hold you in the light brother, but you can't, you can't be like ADHD brains don't see the swoop letters.

0:12:25 Thomas: No, no, ADHD brains, like my brain prioritizes stuff and I will literally look at something and not see the same thing that everyone else is seeing because my brain's like, you don't need

0:12:28 Tom: Yeah.

0:12:34 Eli: Have you ever seen that meme? That's like, Oh my God, you people can't do anything. That's what this conversation is. Oh my god, you people can

0:12:48 Tom: So the Lindor are the balls.

0:12:49 Thomas: That Yeah, yeah, no, I mean, I, I get by, I could do some things. No, but literally it says lint in cursive and then Linder right under it.

0:12:50 Tom: And then we get like a bar because you can also get Lindt chocolate bars and the bars just say Lindt on them. Yeah. The lender is just the truffle. So, the lender is the truffle and the...

0:12:54 Thomas: Really? I, okay, that I don't think I've seen.

0:13:00 Thomas: Did you guys go to college for this? How do you fucking know? How do y

0:13:03 Tom: It's like they sell it at CVS.

0:13:03 Eli: It's crazy, it's like your diet coke I don't understand is that is that the female version of the soda Yeah,

0:13:09 Thomas: Y'all Know, I have never had anything other than the balls of this, that I'm pretty much of that. I'm sure.

0:13:17 Tom: Just balls all the time. You heard it there first. Thomas Smith, always balls.

0:13:19 Eli: We've all had the balls man because it's so fucking common.

0:13:23 Thomas: So I thought those were called Linder.

0:13:27 Eli: Okay, so it's exactly what I said exactly the very moment

0:13:29 Thomas: Oh, no, you aren't allowing for the fact that my brain doesn't read cursive. So fuck you. You don't get to piggyback off that.

0:13:33 Eli: You know what? That's fair. I did not make that assumption. The Fact that I said chocolate balls and you didn't think of of one of the two chocolate balls that exist.

0:13:38 Thomas: No, I did. I did, I was, I suspected that was what you meant.

0:13:47 Tom: It's either this or those Ferrero Rocher things, right?

0:13:48 Eli: And I'd been saying Lind, and you were like, no, those are called Lindor. No need to bring those up right now.

0:13:54 Thomas: No, do you think I could remember what those were called without Googling it? I had no fucking memory of what they were.

0:13:58 Eli: Well, the Lindor is not in cursive, Thomas, so you gotta tell me.

0:14:01 Thomas: I don't know those. I do not know those things. Yes, exactly.

0:14:02 Tom: Unless Thomas is faced with visual reminders of everything they everything doesn't exist unless he sees.

0:14:08 Thomas: You know how they say, and this is actually genuinely a bad thing, when it comes to marriages and relationships, you form like a symbiotic brain relationship where you remember different things. Poor Lydia, I remember nothing. And then she's an enabler, bless her soul, because I'll be like, what's the name of the guy that's got the bigger laugh of the two on my show? And she'll be, like, Tom. And I'll, like. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The bigger laugh. Yeah. What's the guy who never laughs? Eli. Yeah, that guy.

0:14:27 Tom: It, Eli, yeah, that's it, that's right, yeah, right, yeah, that's, yeah, how would you know if his laugh is bigger? No one's

0:14:33 Thomas: Yeah. Yeah. And that's how I have to go through my whole life.

0:14:33 Eli: Yeah, so and so, yeah.

0:14:38 Tom: Ever heard it. It's, yeah, it's

0:14:38 Eli: Maybe

0:14:38 Thomas: Yeah. I was just assuming. That's a good point.

0:14:41 Eli: It's huge, yeah, yeah!

0:14:41 Tom: Like, what is the sound a dodo makes? I don't know, they're fucking extinct, we don't know. All

0:14:43 Thomas: Maybe the one time Eli laughs, it'll blow the speakers.

0:14:46 Eli: Maybe I'm holding it back for your safety, fucking Black Canary style.

0:14:50 Tom: Right, so I have a, my mom is still alive, and that's kind of surprising story, so thus

0:14:57 Eli: Thus the intro to the episode, everybody.

0:14:58 Thomas: Yeah, yeah.

0:14:59 Tom: The intro to the episode. So Eli very famously was shocked, I think on air, shocked to learn that my mom ist alive.

0:14:59 Eli: I know you were worried we weren't gonna come back to it.

0:15:06 Thomas: Me too. No, no. This is a double. I absolutely.

0:15:07 Tom: I gave no indications that she had died, it was just assumed so.

0:15:10 Eli: Everything she ever said and did is an indication that she's dead.

0:15:12 Thomas: Yeah she has dead energy. I don't know.

0:15:15 Eli: Yeah.

0:15:16 Tom: I get this message from my brother the other day. I'm walking through the grocery store, I I get a message, look down, and it's basically like, Hey, mom's dying. And I'm like, but I got groceries to buy. So I buy some groceries. I was like, I'll call you when I'm out of the grocery store. I get out ofthe grocery store. Give him a call. She lives down in Panama, by the way.

0:15:27 Eli: Click.

0:15:35 Tom: I don't know if I've mentioned that on the show before, but she expatted herself down to Panama and she lives in Panama. She speaks no Spanish.

0:15:35 Thomas: What was that? Her like trying to be wealthy. She's like, I hear all the wealthy people do this, but she has no, Oh, okay.

0:15:46 Tom: No, I think it's very much the opposite. It's like, a lot of people without a lot money go expat in Panama because you can live on your your social security. But she speaks very little or no Spanish. I think she may have learned a little or picked up a little in her time down there from what my brother said. So she goes evidently on a cruise. She gets sick on this cruise .She comes back and like she is from what my brother had told me, what Bob had told m. She's not responding to the oxygen or oxygen levels like 60 percent. You know, he had to, like, call the property manager of the place that she's living in. I'll tell you, that story is fucking crazy. And have an ambulance pick her up. And, you know, he's like, it doesn't look good, doesn't look like she's gonna come home from the hospital. And I'm like, okay, yeah.

0:15:50 Thomas: Ah, sure.

0:16:25 Thomas: You had to clarify, doesn't look good as in she's going to survive or doesn't look. Yeah.

0:16:29 Tom: Right, we are, our versions of "doesn't look good" are different, right? I'm like, yeah, okay, you know, let me know what's going on, you know, keep me up to date or whatever. So he's telling me this whole thing, and at the same time I've got my earbuds in I'm walking out of the grocery store and up to my car, and it's fucking crazy because, like, my brother doesn't know her address because, like, and this is just, like, a quick aside about Panama, I actually look this up to make sure he wasn't full of shit, because sometimes my brother will just be full of shit about something in Panama. Outside of the major cities, you might not have an address. They don't have a standardized national addressing system so

0:16:43 Eli: I'm walking on said shin.

0:16:46 Thomas: Huh. Oh, wow.

0:17:09 Eli: We should steal their president.

0:17:10 Tom: Addresses will sometimes be, it'll, it'll sometimes be shit like near the church, by the big rock, third house on the left That's how you would address an envelope, so he doesn't really, like, have a way to go to wherever she stays, right? Right. I guess she stays in some managed apartment complex. I'm guessing. And evidently she's got somebody down there that has been communicating with my brother because she was unable to communicate, communicating with me. My brother and, like, trying to keep him up to date. But this person doesn't speak English very well. My brother speaks no Spanish. She's on her way to the hospital. My brother's like, yeah, you know, I'm trying to get a hold of, he's all like worked up and like, I don't really give a shit.

0:17:13 Thomas: We might. Holy shit. Why?

0:17:49 Thomas: Yeah.

0:17:50 Tom: Yeah. Well, my brother's still like a tad. They still talk like every whenever. Ever. I don't know that he's very forgiving.

0:17:55 Thomas: Gross.

0:17:56 Tom: Yeah, I know. It's fucking crazy. I'm walking out to my car and I've got my earbuds in. My car is on because Finn is waiting in the car with the car running because I just ran into the grocery store to grab a couple of things. It transfers the call to my Bluetooth in the card. So I walk into my car. Oh, shit. Hang on. Let me switch it over. And then I have to have a conversation with Finn. I was like, hey, so you obviously overheard some of that. I think my mom might be dying. I're not a giant soulless ghoul. I just haven't talked to her in 30 years and I don't really have a connection there.

And then I felt weird about, like my lack of any, like, real concern, like, you know, I wasn't worried. I was interested in sort of a curious way. I'm interested in, like, how Bob's doing, how my brother is doing, because I care about him, but I, like, I'm just kind of curious about the outcome. But then it also highlights how fucking insane that side of my family is because then, like, my brother's like, hey, do you, you have any way to get a hold of her brothers? So my mom has two brothers, which means I have two uncles, but, like, no, I don't.

0:18:23 Eli: Don't even trip, dog.

0:18:29 Thomas: Oh, yeah. Yeah. Mm -hmm. Yeah.

0:18:49 Eli: Right.

0:18:59 Tom: I haven't talked to my mom in 30 years. I've been talking to these people in 35. Right. So like, I guess like on a piece of paper somewhere, they're my uncles and aunts and cousins, but I fucking have not seen these people. They live 3000 miles away. I haven'T seen them in literally 30 years who gives a shit, you know? And I'm like, why would I have any contact for these people, Bob? Like, I haven't talked to Mom in almost 30 years, like, her fucking brother, are you kidding me? I literally forgot she had a brother until he mentioned it. So he's like, yeah, I'm trying to get a hold of him, you know, and nobody's got any contact information, he's trying to reach them on Facebook. So I said, well, I just had an idea, and this is just kind of a funny thing, like my

0:19:36 Thomas: What if we don't give a shit and leave? Let's

0:19:36 Eli: Hang up the phone. What if we just put the phone down? What if I just put it down? What if you go to Texas Roadhouse?

0:19:38 Tom: Well, I'm just trying to help for Bob, like, that's the only thing. I'm sure. So

0:19:42 Eli: Have you had the toast?

0:19:43 Thomas: Get a delicious bag of Lenders

0:19:44 Eli: The big garlic toast thing? Oh, it's so good.

0:19:47 Tom: I have, years ago. This was just kind of weird, so many years ago, like maybe, maybe 10, 15 years ago, I got a random Facebook message from this guy named Ron. And Ron is the brother of my old stepfather that I've mentioned on the show before, died, his liver failed, drank himself to death with my mom. He messaged me years ago and he was like, hey, I knew you when you were very little. The family was crazy.

0:20:10 Thomas: That poor monkey's had to bury so many people, you know, it's just like the monkeys the, yeah

0:20:16 Eli: John Wick in the

0:20:13 Tom: And like, yeah, right. And he's got this tiny shovel. The tiny shovel makes it way harder, actually.

0:20:19 Eli: Rain, cracking open the cement when he learns your mom's still alive

0:20:20 Thomas: That point the monkey might as well not change out of the suit. That's for the funerals, you know, just

0:20:26 Tom: So I have a connection on Facebook book. We had like a nice exchange back and forth. So sorry that everything happened the way it happened. You know, if you ever wanted to like talk or whatever, I'm former family and I was around and think about you guys sometimes. It's a very sweet message. It was a very sweet message while he

0:20:39 Eli: Cool, how come you didn't do anything? It's crazy that you saw that happening to it. I was a child. You saw me as a child being abandoned and neglected, and now you want to talk to me as an adult. Do you have a time machine? Is that what it is? You got a time machine that we can both get in where you don't fucking let me just live in

0:20:44 Thomas: Like everyone's

0:20:48 Tom: Didn't live nearby or anything. So

0:20:55 Eli: Hell for most of my

0:20:56 Tom: Very little in my life. Thank God. So I have this, I realized I have have this contact with my former stepfather's brother, right? And I was like, oh, if my mom is dying, maybe my other brothers and sisters, because I've mentioned on this show before that when I was little I had, uh, stepbrothers, and I had two stepbrathers and two stepsisters, and I was like, I guess maybe they would want to know. I should reach out to the Ron and let him know. So I reach out to Ron and he comes back and he's like, yeah, well, you know, Michelle and Ann don't talk to anyone from the family anymore, and Michael's in prison, and Brian is dead. And I'm like, I'm so glad, so glad to hear that everybody's doing great You know, it's fucking, that's not insane

0:21:37 Thomas: Right, where I would

0:21:36 Eli: Life, yeah. Yeah. In those quiet moments at Night of the Soul, there must have been moments where you were like, am I missing out on something? And then the first time you touch base, it's like, well, the first Time Brian shot Michelle, she didn't necessarily die. She died physically, but not spiritually. I know this is a psychic medium.

0:21:52 Tom: For real. I have thought so many times, like, I'm so glad my dad got me the fuck out of Florida. Like, I'm so GLAAD, because they had a custody battle at one point. I'm like, man, if my mom had won that, I would have grown up in a trailer in Tampa Bay, Florida. That is how that would have played out for me. Yeah, right. Yeah, I'd have been, right

0:22:09 Eli: Yeah.

0:22:10 Thomas: Assume. Jesus Christ. Yeah, to the extent you did grow up

0:22:11 Eli: I mean, you wouldn't have made it, but you would have been forever, whatever period you were in. Yeah. Yeah. The tragedy would have struck in a trailer in Florida.

0:22:16 Tom: To the extent I would've lived to grow up, that is what my growing up would've been, right? Like, it would've just been fucking

0:22:23 Thomas: Yeah, I

0:22:24 Eli: Yeah, yeah. I would have loved to be there for that custody battle while your mom was like, Your Honor, I fucking put

0:22:28 Thomas: Know, every time he says this, I, I'm in

0:22:31 Tom: Insane.

0:22:31 Eli: Him on a plane and I said get the fuck out of my house but now I want him back in my house You've

0:22:37 Tom: Yeah, I can't even imagine what the argument is, except for, yeah

0:22:40 Eli: Seen Kramer vs. Kramer, it's like that but with less reason. I'm a less likable Meryl Streep

0:22:42 Thomas: Disbelief, Your Honor, the snabbing turtle is on his best behavior. It there was an incident, but the snatming turtle is, he's assured, I have an affidavit from the snapping

0:22:53 Tom: Yeah. I was, snapping turtle affidavit. There's a monkey lawyer just like a chittering away with like. Yeah. So I like, Ron's like, hey, you know, like, that shit's crazy. And I actually had, like, a very nice exchange. And he's like, you know, if you ever wanted to talk, and I'm like, I actually would sometime like to find out, because I'm like, yeah, I have, like, a bunch of kid memories, and I'd, like, it might be nice to, like, piece together kind of some of that story someday. But I'm not the time. So then come to find out she's gonna live, she broke her hip, she caught some virus, and she's got emphysema. I

0:22:59 Eli: He's an AA

0:23:19 Thomas: Turtle. Ah, sorry, I'm sorry for your loss, sorry for you lost on

0:23:25 Eli: You know how a demon where they think they've killed it like when Michael rises back up up out of the swamp. I imagine it was that.

0:23:25 Tom: Know there is no putting this lady down, right? Yeah, a hundred percent. Yeah, but the reason, like the real reason I want to talk about, is that I have to have this conversation with my brother, and I was like, look, this whole thing, because he has no idea what to do, and he says to me in a text exchange, he's like, I'm the executor of her will, but I don't know what to do or what that means. And I pick up the phone and I call and I'm like, Bob, this is exactly the problem with that lady.

No, I'm, like, this exactly the fucking problem with that lady, she was an irresponsible twit when she was 30, she's an irresponsible fucking asshole when she's 70. She wants you to be the executor of her will, you have no idea what you're executing. You don't know whether she owns property, you don't have a proper street address for her, you've no idea how to get in touch with her.

She's clearly not set up an emergency contact. She doesn't have, like, a power of attorney for health care or otherwise set up for somebody local, you don't have that, so you can go do the things that you're supposed to. She's done none of the stuff you do as a grown-up, and that's why you're stressed. You have all of the worry and none of the fucking ability to act. And also my brother is, like, fucking paralyzed in an emergency situation. He's like the worst

0:23:33 Thomas: Sorry for your gain. Oh

0:23:42 Ad: [Ad break 2 — ad music]

0:24:01 Eli: Give me that money right now.

0:24:51 Thomas: I was just with how fucked up your family was. I was like, yeah, did you get

0:24:51 Tom: Person. Yeah, no.

0:24:53 Eli: I thought you were gonna tell us he was actually paralyzed from the neck down.

0:24:56 Tom: No, no.

0:24:57 Eli: She threw him into a sterile pool when he was nine.

0:24:59 Tom: Did I not mention that? I thought everybody had a paralyzed, no.

0:25:05 Eli: That's when my head was swollen.

0:25:06 Tom: So I did tell him, I was like, if, if something happens, you're gonna be upset and I'm not. So something happens and you want me to just take care of it.

0:25:13 Eli: Rough. Hey, T -Dog, maybe a little bit of fucking, little bit smooth. I know you'll be sad, but I'll actually feel kind of good, like alive.

0:25:19 Tom: He knows that I don't give a shit, like, I I'm dispassionate. I passionate about the whole thing.

0:25:26 Eli: Hey,

0:25:27 Thomas: Yeah, dispassionate, sure. Yeah, he's just objective, you know, he's just

0:25:30 Eli: Bob, you got off the phone with your brother? You got off your phone with, Oh, I know he's your older brother. He loves you so much. What did he say about your mom? What guidance did he offer you? Well, dear, he told me he's dispassionate. He offered me a pass.

0:25:41 Tom: I don't care, like. I offer to take care of all the, like, practical stuff because he's just, like, absolutely overwhelmed by it.

0:25:52 Thomas: Uh, Jesus, dude, because you need another fucking thing to worry about.

0:25:55 Tom: Well, like, no, like, so we're talking and he's like, I don't have a passport, how am I gonna I'm like, what would you go down there for? And I'm like, what would you go there for? He's like, well, to claim the body.

0:25:59 Thomas: Oh, okay, yeah. Because you got to execute the person.

0:26:06 Eli: That's right, yeah.

0:26:06 Tom: And I was like, no, you don't claim the body, Bob. I'm like, you call a funeral home, you have the fucking body cremated, and you save on postage.

0:26:13 Thomas: Jesus, haven't you ever murdered anyone before? Jesus.

0:26:16 Eli: Did you tell him to put it in the red bag? And then it goes out on Fridays.

0:26:20 Tom: I was like, they'll ship that shit to you. It'll cost you $100 to have that thing shipped to you from Panama or $30 ,000 to have a body shipped. What are you talking about? Go down there. That's insane. And I was, like, do you want any of her stuff? And he's, like. I don't know. Like, do I want any souvenirs or mementos or fucking keepsakes? And he is, like., I'm not sure. He is ,like., but if I.

0:26:30 Thomas: Bob just want to know if the monkey's okay. I just want the monkey, that's all I want. It's Gilligan, right? Uh, oh man, I picture, actually, Gilligan as the executor of the will.

0:26:46 Tom: The monkey is not okay, man. That monkey's gilligan has been dead a long time.

0:26:50 Eli: Now I'm picturing Bob and the monkey just embracing in the rain over a coffin while it's so hard to say goodbye plays in the background.

0:27:02 Eli: And he points to a stranger in the room And everyone's like, and it's a monkey.

0:27:05 Thomas: Like, everyone gasps.

0:27:12 Tom: So Like, there's a monkey on top of three raccoons in a trench coat. That's what the

0:27:18 Eli: I remain dispassionate. I think the animal stacking thing is cool, but I want to be clear that my investment here is about balancing

0:27:20 Thomas: Yeah, how

0:27:24 Tom: Fuck, well, I, I was like, what would you do if you got down there? And he's like, well, I would talk to the property manager, you know, hope he would let me in. He's not gonna let you in. You don't even even has the same last name and you don't have any paperwork. Why would anybody let you into the building?

0:27:44 Thomas: Do you know how to do all this? Nah.

0:27:46 Tom: Because it's not complicated if you just think about it like you are supposed to. And that's kind of what I want to talk about a little bit on the show. Like, you're supposed to have some of this stuff worked out right ahead of time so that, so that people in your life don't half to do it. And like, my stupid fucking mom has done nothing, so my brother doesn't know what to do, and he doesn't know what her assets are, and he doesn't know how to get in the building or have a key, and he doesn't have, he doesn't have anything, so he's just trying to figure it out.

I'm like, yeah, dude, you're fucked because this idiotic irresponsible dipshit who's been an idiotic responsible dipshit for fucking 47 years of her life that I'm aware of has done none of the work to make this easy on you. And so now you have to deal with the stress of maybe losing somebody and also not knowing how, how to handle it because she's done none of the fucking seven hours' worth of work it would take to make this a hundred hours easier on you. It fucking, it made me so mad again at that stupid fucking woman for, like, creating another problem with her dumb death, you know? And she didn't even have the courtesy to die

0:27:57 Thomas: I

0:27:58 Eli: Animals. Oh, it's insane.

0:28:52 Thomas: Disagree. Jesus Christ.

0:28:53 Eli: Right, she can't even die without making everyone else sad and scared and do paperwork.

0:28:59 Tom: Well, like, I don't, that's why I volunteer to do, because I'm not gonna be sad. I'm just gonna be like, yeah, it's fucking paperwork, I know how to do paperwork. But like, like, it just struck me, like, fucking do that. Like, if you're a parent out there, like if you're a listener, if you're a parent out there—even if you don't have two fucking nickels to rub together, that is not the point. You can set up a will and a power of attorney and a healthcare power of attorney in, like—essentially no time and with very little cost—that will at least get you 85% of the way there.

0:29:29 Tom: I don't know. It just feels like—like basic shit. It just feels like basic grown-up parenting shit, and it just blew my mind that, like, my brother is stressing out, and, like, I'm like, yeah, you're not gonna have the ability to do any of that stuff. You're gonna show up and be like, yeah, my name is Bob Curry, I'm here for Pam McDonald's stuff, and they're gonna be like, awesome story, also we don't speak English and That's It, that's it, because you've got nothing, like, oh, it makes me fucking nuts, the whole situation, just made me absolutely so mad. It is. I feel like it is kind of like irresponsible, like wildly irresponsible.

0:29:29 Thomas: What is this, an Infomercial. Yeah, what an

0:30:03 Eli: Oh It's Insane. So here's the thing, right? If you're the money in your house and you don't have a trust and a will and an emergency fund and all this stuff for when you die, all you're doing is you're setting up a prank on your spouse on the worst day of their life. They're already gonna be like, my love is gone, oh, my love, and then you're like, ah, your credit card doesn't work. It fucking rules. It's a fun prank. Fun fact: it is the third or fourth, depending on the year you're checking, number one reason that people go bankrupt is bereavement. Is that just bereaveman ends up costing so much or they can't get access to their spouse's money. It's like that, and fucking medical debt and a gambling problem are the ways to just absolutely destroy your spouse's life. Mm

0:30:20 Thomas: Asshole.

0:30:31 Tom: Yes.

0:30:44 Thomas: Oh

0:30:53 Tom: Well, and I'll tell you this too, depending on the circumstances, it is not always the case that your assets pass 100 % necessarily to your spouse. And it's also not always the case that your spouse has the authority to make medical decisions on your behalf. If you're incapacitated, you have to have paperwork. Like if you don't have paperwork, work, you're just hoping that everybody is chill.

0:31:10 Eli: -hmm. Notarized paperwork, yeah. Mm -hm.

0:31:15 Thomas: Wow, notarized. Okay, but what if your death is written in cursive. Jesus Christ, this whole thing. Well, okay, I don't want to make it all about me, but this whole thing is because they're like, do you have a will? And I'm like, there's a will, there's a way. I agree. And they're like, you don't have a will. I'm like, yeah, oh, I don't have a way, you know? Like, everyone has a will. And they're like, no, let's do a whole episode about Thomas doesn't do things. And then

0:31:19 Eli: Ha -ha -ha! Well, then you gotta hope you've got a doctor without ADD.

0:31:43 Tom: You've got to do this.

0:31:44 Thomas: Now I'm like, all right, fucking A.

0:31:46 Eli: To be fair, to be fair. We didn't go, hey, let's do an episode about how Thomas doesn't do things. Tom was like, can you believe this irresponsible bitch?

0:31:50 Thomas: Nah, that's how it felt.

0:31:55 Tom: That's how it happened. And yeah.

0:31:55 Eli: Just let everybody in her life flood down the drain. And Thomas was like... I was like yeah, man.

0:31:57 Thomas: Yeah, that is more like how it happened, yeah. The good thing about me, though, is that kind of stuff doesn't affect me at all, because I'm like, I like, no, I earned that. Like, I'm fine. Yeah. I have no, that was an honest window. Tom didn't mean anything personal by it, it was an honest window into how Tom will look at my dead body. Oh

0:32:07 Tom: Yeah, I know.

0:32:10 Eli: Nah, it's on me. Oh

0:32:16 Tom: No, uh -uh. No. I actually, in the chat, I was like, there's no way Thomas doesn't have a will.

0:32:21 Thomas: That's, you know, you're right, you did say it. Was so nice of you, that was so kind of

0:32:21 Eli: It's great

0:32:21 Tom: I was, like, you have

0:32:25 Eli: I would like to read it, if I have your permission to dox our private

0:32:27 Thomas: You Yeah, sure, you can dox. Oh, can you do one as a

0:32:30 Tom: Spreadsheets for everything. I just assumed this would be a thing up your alley. Yeah.

0:32:34 Eli: Communication

0:32:34 Thomas: Spreadsheet? Well, that's a whole fucking

0:32:35 Tom: I'm sure you probably can. Yeah, I thought you would, could excel at it.

0:32:38 Thomas: I, I bequeath these cells to, can I do with a formula? If Thomas equal dead, the following ad. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, okay. Well, if I could. Oh, shit. If that works, I'm doing it today.

0:32:46 Eli: Yeah, then, yeah, then money to at Lydia. Yeah, exactly, you can tag her on Google Docs. Yeah, yeah. So this is the conversation for those at home interested We should do an episode called Get Your Fucking Affairs in Order, You Jackasses. And I wrote, oh yes, that will be fun, because Thomas will be like, I was gonna, but then Arlo punched all the wheels off the table. And then Tom says, no way Thomas doesn't at least have a will. And I wrote, there's a 50 chance Thomas doesn't have a well either. He will be like, that's ridiculous, of course I have a will. Or he'll be like, all caps, I'm so busy. And that's a coin flip. And then Thomas confirmed you didn't have will, and I said, thank you, Thomas, eat it, Tom, right in your living mom's face.

0:32:46 Tom: Yeah

0:33:16 Thomas: And even that was overestimating it.

0:33:31 Tom: I had faith in you, Thomas. I did. At

0:33:35 Thomas: Oh, man. I know. Well, even like, honestly, even Eli's estimation was way too high. So it's like, oh, yeah, zero percent. Uh, I, I think

0:33:42 Eli: Yeah, it's a generous 50 as a Jenner. So

0:33:42 Tom: 50. So had you not even considered it? Like, I genuinely, like, is it just something you were less, like, yeah, it's probably not a big

0:33:49 Thomas: Lydia's parents have mentioned it a few times and then I'm like, yeah, we'll do that when we're dead. I don't know.

0:33:57 Eli: I'm gonna tip the hand a little, and it's gonna gonna make us seem a little bit bit bougie, but I got to be honest, because there's only two moments where people actually get a will in their lives. Moment number one, your parent dies. They didn't have a will. It's the worst thing you've ever gone through. You're in a fucking three-year lawsuit with your cousin over a pair of earrings. And you're like, oh my God, I'll never do this to anyone again. But moment two is when you make a little bit of money, you get something called a financial advisor, and the first thing that financial advisor says is, hey man, do you have a fucking will? This is Tony when I started using Tony was like, hey fat, get a fucking wheel

0:34:31 Thomas: Uh, okay. Yeah, no, I haven't done either of those things. Oh, that's, oh, that hurts. Okay. Tony, I thank everyone's familiar from the, I hope everyone listened to the fantastic tax odyssey we went through where Tony is the biggest asshole in the world. Well, plus a lot of other, a lot of other, and now, yeah, that's all I learned from it, and

0:34:47 Eli: That's what they learned from that. Yeah.

0:34:51 Thomas: Now to hear this, you know, that's a, that this is an intervention when, when even Tony is like, is like, yeah, man, you got to be responsible. I'm like, fuck. Hmm

0:34:52 Tom: Deal when Even Tony. Yeah. I will admit that, like, I probably, I, I work with attorneys all day every day, that's like, those are customers, all of our customers in my line of business, my day job, are all attorneys. 100. So like, I admit that I'm probably biased toward that because I'm just, just constantly working and talking with attorneys. But I was also like, my ex-father-in-law died suddenly and it was a fucking nightmare. I remember being like a giant, he just died in a work accident and you know, he was a youngish guy, you know, probably at my age give or take, you know, maybe not much older. Yeah, he fell off a thing and died and like, it was like a fucking, it was a whole, like Eli said, it was giant fucking odyssey, and nobody was even fighting about stuff. It's just that, like, when you go to the bank, you just can't be like, yeah, I would like this other person's stuff.

0:35:24 Thomas: Holy shit I had no work accent, that's horrible Jesus Christ Oh wow All right. Right.

0:35:50 Tom: That's just not how it works. You eventually will get it, but like, you have to jump through this enormous amount of hoops, or you could just do that ahead of time while everyone's alive. The other thing that Hayley and I have talked about is, like, because we're step parents, when we talked about this on the step parenting show, one of the crazy things that is a true is that that if we both die, what the fuck happens to our family? We are a blended family that will just be pulled entirely apart. Now, granted, two out of four of the kids are over the age of 18. They can make adult choices about what they want to do and where they wantto live, but they're also of an age where they stand to inherit money as adults, and then the other kids, they can't inherit money. If we both died, you can't inherent money as a minor. That money has to go into, like, a guardian has to be appointed to distribute that money and they're the beneficiaries of it, like, that's a whole thing. Kids can't just get assets

0:35:50 Eli: Tom

0:36:45 Thomas: Oh, neck

0:36:45 Tom: They can't, like, distribute your property to children. Yeah

0:36:48 Eli: Let me pitch you something. You and Haley die in a tragic neck accident, right? Whatever. Your wife shows up, yeah, you blow, the bones go out, just catch her right in the center of her

0:36:50 Tom: Sure. Yeah, right, my neck explodes, the bones go flying into her. It's a shrapneck, shrapnel neck, shrapnel's a real problem. Yeah. Uh-huh. Yeah, yeah.

0:36:54 Thomas: Accent. Oh yeah. Dang.

0:37:01 Eli: Head. Right, she's in the, if she wasn't upside down on a pole at the time, she would have been fine, but she was, so it sliced her head clean off. Imagine it however you like at home, but then your crazy ex comes to show up at the same time as Monster Energy hat, Monster Energy hat, and your crazy acts fall in love, the family stays together, and then a sane baby emerges, if you

0:37:06 Thomas: Oh no

0:37:06 Tom: Yeah, just right. Yep, that'll happen. Yep.

0:37:17 Thomas: Oh, oh and with the cars

0:37:21 Tom: We've had similar fantasies, but they don't fall in love. They just hit each, like, head -on collision. It's a head -and -collision situation. Solves a lot of problems. I'm just. Yeah.

0:37:33 Eli: Spin them of either side of that big Cauldron Collider and just the same baby ends in the center Yeah, the Cauldrons Collider. Yeah, not as familiar as Lynn fucking chocolates. Oh

0:37:37 Thomas: Yeah, Cauldron Collider. Yeah, it's, yeah.

0:37:40 Tom: The Cauldron Collider. It's witchy. It's only turned on at Halloween, actually. Yeah.

0:37:54 Ad: [Ad break 3 — ad music]

0:37:55 Tom: I will give, like, to some degree, Thomas, you're a young guy I'll give you a pass, but like, my mom's like 75 years

0:37:59 Thomas: Well, yeah. No, you're right. Look, everyone has always been right. I have a hard enough time doing things for living me, much less like, hey, dead Tom, do you want, Thomas, do you wanna do stuff for dead Thomas, like that fucker who can't, I can't even do stuff for living Thomas. Come on.

0:38:11 Tom: Old. Yeah, yeah.

0:38:17 Thomas: Can't even get all the way dead

0:38:19 Tom: It's for your kids

0:38:17 Eli: It's not for dead Thomas, it's for it's first sad Anna.

0:38:22 Thomas: Anna. Oh, she getting my stuff? Which one am I married

0:38:22 Tom: Yeah, well, for Lydia. Yeah, it's a weird bequeathal, yeah, you're just bequeathing everything to Anna.

0:38:23 Eli: Lydia, in your case, sorry, I should have, I don't really care that a Nash is their name in cursive, yeah.

0:38:31 Thomas: To. So I figured if I died, then Lydia, the stuff's in her name, she gets the stuff, right? It's California. No

0:38:31 Eli: No, it's for sad Anna. No, I mean, if it's in her name, it's, she gets it. Anything that's not in her name goes to court.

0:38:41 Thomas: I think it is. I don't know legally speaking, I think the business is in both of our, I think in California has to be, I think I have to be on both of us, pretty sure.

0:38:51 Tom: Now, I don't know California real well. I know Illinois very, very well, but like part of it also depends on how you hold title to a piece of of property. So let's say Illinois, I'll give you, yeah, but it's how you hold title to it. So I'll gave you an example of why it's a problem in Illinois. Like in Illinois, there are multiple ways for a couple to own a piece of property, right? So they can own a peace of property as tenants by the entirety as

0:39:00 Thomas: Oh yeah, we both have the, the house for sure.

0:39:16 Thomas: Oh yeah, yeah.

0:39:16 Tom: Joint tenants or as tenants in common in Illinois, if it's just your names on the deed. So like if somebody prepares the deed and they don't specify tenancy, the the default tenancy in Illinois then becomes tenants in common. What tenants in common means is that my ownership and your ownership do not co-relate. So if I died, let's say Haley and I owned our house as tenants in common because somebody just wasn't paying attention. It literally happens 10 times a day. I see this constantly.

It is a mistake. It is a common mistake. I die. Does Haley get my half of the the property? Absolutely not. My half of the property gets distributed to everybody that is my next of kin in a divisive way, in a divided way. So she would get half. Then the other half would get divided between my kids. So Finn would get a quarter and then Amon would get a quarter. But Amon can't have the quarter because Amon is under the age of 18. So a quarter of my My half interest in my property then would be bound up in the courts. And in order to gain access to it or to sell it, you'd have to go to court, petition the court for guardianship in order to act. It's a whole fucking thing. All because on a one document at closing, somebody didn't specify tenancy.

0:40:07 Eli: And me, I get some.

0:40:08 Thomas: Right, that's

0:40:34 Eli: Yes.

0:40:35 Tom: So it's not that simple.

0:40:36 Thomas: A dumb state thing, but yeah, no, I did. Ours is not that

0:40:38 Tom: Yeah, but that's in most states. Most states have something similar. Almost every state.

0:40:39 Thomas: Yeah. Really? Most states are dumb.

0:40:40 Eli: It's in most states. Yeah, yes.

0:40:42 Tom: Almost every stage. Yeah.

0:40:43 Eli: Yeah, but also, like, the number of things that that also applies to that you don't count on, right? Like, like a really fun one is, like, cell phone bills. It happens all the time, because, like, I don't know about you, but, like, does Lydia know the password to the cell phone account? Does Livia know the password to every online account? Because if she doesn't and she calls and she's like, "Hey, Thomas, the stop sign was in cursive and so he just blew right through and got hit by that train," they're like, "Too bad. So fucking sad," right? If she's not a co-owner of that account and doesn't know that password, where she's just pretending to be you, to be clear, like, there's nothing they can do unless there's paperwork that shows that that transfers over to her. I have a two-fold system. I have the internet system, which I recommend, and everybody does.

And then I have the legal system. So the internet system is there's a folder right square in the middle of my desktop called Flamingo. Eli, did you name your death folder after the same folder that the robot names in the Robin Williams vehicle flubber? Yes, I did. Thank you for asking podcast listener.

0:41:01 Thomas: Yeah, fortunately, yeah. Yeah, yeah, what?

0:41:46 Tom: What? Just happened?

0:41:47 Thomas: I

0:41:47 Eli: And in that folder is every in the movie flubger, Robin Williams makes a robot who loves him. And when that robot dies, he discovers a folder on his desktop that has the design to make a new lady robot in that folder. And that folder is called Flamingo. And so that's why I call my, in case of death folder, Flaminggo. Yes, she can make a new Eli.

0:41:49 Thomas: Don't know Anna's gonna make a lady robot

0:42:08 Tom: There, I love that Anna has to remember this in a moment of extreme grief, right? And then Flubber and then the Flamingo.

0:42:12 Eli: It's right in the center of the desktop.

0:42:15 Thomas: Okay.

0:42:15 Tom: Okay, yeah.

0:42:15 Eli: I've told her, and it also says in case I die. So I hope she clicks on Flamingco. And in it, there's two folders.

0:42:18 Tom: Okay, all right.

0:42:21 Thomas: Sort of makes the Flamingo worthless.

0:42:21 Eli: There's every internet account with every password. There is the e-copies of the trust and the will and all that stuff. And then there's also, and this is, I highly recommend, there's a bunch of videos I made for everybody in my life. I just made a bunch videos

0:42:36 Tom: Oh no way, I would, I would not do that. No, the videos or the

0:42:37 Thomas: To be fair to me, I think think of doing this a lot. Does that count for something? Oh yeah.

0:42:42 Eli: Yeah,

0:42:42 Tom: Or the rest of it, I would never do the videos. No.

0:42:42 Thomas: I think of, I think of doing that a lot,

0:42:44 Eli: I have videos for almost everyone in my wife yeah,

0:42:45 Tom: I feel weird about out the

0:42:47 Thomas: Having young children. Part of me is like, man, I should just make it. And then it would be kind of funny if you don't die, then you get to watch them someday and be like, yeah, exactly. I would do one. Like I, that's my thought is like do one every year for each little kid or something until a certain age. I feel like I should do that. Okay.

0:42:54 Eli: I haven't from years ago, so I have old videos I don't do memory here, but I haven from a couple years ago. But the first one in the old file, I'm like, oh man, I don' know what age I was when I met Anna. But like I make a video for her when we're still dating and I'm hey. Like, hey, I think we're going to get married. But just in case I die before that happens, I want you to know I was planning to marry you.

0:43:17 Thomas: That's weird. And she's still married you. You're making movies for her which is about your death when you're still dating. Okay. That's, that's a little weird. I don't know.

0:43:20 Tom: Videos, that's

0:43:21 Eli: I know.

0:43:27 Tom: Very. I am, I, the, I don't want to make movies for the kid. I've never even considered making the death movies. Yeah, no.

0:43:32 Thomas: Well, you're dispassionate.

0:43:36 Eli: I pass on my kids and having any. Well, it's kind of like the blog, right? It's a video version.

0:43:41 Tom: It's a way to remember. I just don't want to be remembered visually, like, I don't think that's my best medium. I guess, you know, know, yeah, yeah, there, I wear the mask, yeah.

0:43:46 Eli: I got it, yeah.

0:43:44 Thomas: Well do you, why don't you do like anonymous dust? You can, I'm

0:43:51 Eli: Do it with like a Snapchat filter on where you look like a puppy. That'd be fun.

0:43:55 Tom: I'm not a cat. Okay.

0:43:57 Thomas: Not a cat. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Okay, so to be fair to me, I did eventually, it's been a minute, so, you know, to be fair to me, I did this a while ago. I have a password manager and Lydia has the master password, all that, so she can get every single password

0:43:58 Eli: I'm not a cat. Yeah, exactly. Make it fun.

0:44:13 Eli: There you go.

0:44:13 Thomas: Now she currently can already get every single passport

0:44:14 Tom: All right, well, you're a quarter of the way there. You just got to get the

0:44:18 Thomas: Yeah, oh, that's close.

0:44:16 Eli: That's good. Good. You're not legally protected, but fucking

0:44:19 Thomas: Enough. You shouldn't have told me that, Tom, because I'm not doing the rest of it. Who

0:44:19 Tom: And the other thing you want, I will say, like, the other thing you wanna do is get a fucking health care power of attorney and a regular power of attorney. Like, you just don't want to be in a situation where there's any question whatsoever about who has authority in an emergency. And like, there have been cases like where one family member, yeah, no, like look at a scenario.

0:44:39 Thomas: Else would do it? I don't understand. Like, besides Lydia? Terry Shivo's gonna come

0:44:42 Eli: Terry Shivo, man. Yeah. Your shitty mom could show up and be like, Thomas is Catholic and he doesn't want to die.

0:44:50 Thomas: Nah, that's the one good thing about my stupid family, is they wouldn't do that.

0:44:55 Eli: Is they'd let you die.

0:44:55 Thomas: Well, Lydia, they would recognize Lydia's in fucking control. Do you think my family's gonna be like, no, I have

0:44:56 Tom: Yeah. I'll tell you what.

0:45:01 Eli: I bet you Terry thought the same thing.

0:45:03 Tom: I don't know, man. Okay.

0:45:03 Eli: I bet she was like, I'm so excited for my ski weekend. Let me tell you, my parents, when

0:45:03 Thomas: A more, no, no, if there's one thing I can count on my family for, are you kidding? That is, I am more certain of that than anything in the world. And if anyone was stupid, my brother would be like, "No, you fucking idiot." Like, there's no chance he would talk them out of it. There's not. No chance.

0:45:19 Tom: Well, let me offer this as a counter to that. Putting together a power of attorney will literally take you five minutes, and then if you don't need it, because it's, they're not complicated, you need two of them. You want a health care power of attorney and then you want a durable power of eternity that, like, covers all the other stuff and

0:45:23 Thomas: Okay. Okay.

0:45:37 Eli: There's like a storm and your power goes out,

0:45:40 Thomas: Yeah, what?

0:45:40 Tom: You just throw them in your safe. It just means that they last come

0:45:43 Thomas: Dear God. Do you have a safe, Eli? Oh, you probably do, huh?

0:45:46 Eli: Of course I have to say,

0:45:47 Thomas: Fucking who has a safe?

0:45:47 Tom: On. Do you not have a document safe?

0:45:48 Eli: Where my guns are.

0:45:49 Thomas: No. All my documents, they're on the computer, man. It's not the 70s. Everything is on a computer. Do you put a computer in a safe. I put a laptop in a save.

0:45:55 Tom: No, no, listen, listen to me. No, you listen to me. You need originals for some of this stuff. It's still

0:46:01 Thomas: The original file is on the original computer. If I printed something out, that would be less original than the thing that's on the computer.

0:46:03 Tom: No, that's an original is, it's not an original. It's not an original, you're

0:46:09 Eli: Hey, Lydia, if you're listening, you and the kids can come stay at the house while you're in probate court for a couple of years. Don't you worry about it. We actually have a printer here in New Jersey. We managed to print out

0:46:20 Thomas: Printer, send me

0:46:12 Tom: So screwed Oh my god I'm gonna send you a safe I'm Gonna fly to California, I'm going to send a notary and a safe to you, and we're just gonna, I'm going to bolt you to a chair and spend 40 minutes and just fix this.

0:46:26 Eli: It's got my mom inside.

0:46:23 Thomas: A safe? There'll be, there'll be nothing inside that safe. I will put one receipt from Best Buy in that safe that's like, "Well, this was a good computer I bought." Ah, Lydia has us some, hey, that's it. Now it's not on me. Lydia's got this somewhere, I don't know.

0:46:36 Tom: What about, like, birth certificates and social security cards and passports and, She should have been a safe safe.

0:46:44 Eli: It, cool. Why are they not

0:46:46 Tom: They should be in a safe, like a fireproof safe.

0:46:48 Thomas: I don't know. Fireproof safe.

0:46:48 Eli: They're not in a safe? Why are they not in a safe, Thomas? What if there's a fire, Thomas?

0:46:51 Tom: What is happening right now? You are not 20

0:46:53 Eli: What if there's a fire?

0:46:54 Thomas: A fire, yeah, I mean, I guess there could be if I could be a certifier. Yeah, sure. Yeah, none of it. Yeah, no, no piece of paper matters. I'm with you. Yeah.

0:46:56 Tom: They are fireproof safes. These are fire proof documents. You live in California, there's always a fire that is not accurately true. That is not true.

0:46:58 Eli: Just take a moment, think about the paper that matters. Wedding, wedding license. Lots of fires.

0:47:09 Thomas: Zero of them matter. They're all on the

0:47:12 Tom: No, if your social security card is not on the computer, your birth certificate is not on the computer, it doesn't count, Thomas. No, if you, you're crazy.

0:47:12 Eli: They're not, they're not.

0:47:14 Thomas: Computer. We have a scan of it. I have a scanner of it on the supercomputer. Oh, it counts. It counts.

0:47:15 Eli: They are so not. No, those aren't real, Thomas.

0:47:22 Thomas: Counts for what? What are you doing with it? Who has ever done anything

0:47:26 Tom: If you go to the DMV,

0:47:26 Eli: They need

0:47:29 Thomas: With, so in case my kids need to get a license in my name, what are they doing with my fucking social security

0:47:31 Tom: I brought a copy of my passport printed out. What is happening right now?

0:47:37 Eli: It for so many things. This is like, it's hard. We would spend the

0:47:38 Thomas: Card? Oh, That's funny. Oh no, I'm definitely crazy. I'm not, I'm not debating that. I just don't care. I don't know this.

0:47:43 Tom: I feel crazy right now. Crazy.

0:47:43 Eli: Rest of the episode. It's so important. Okay.

0:47:51 Thomas: Computers. It's

0:47:51 Tom: What if your computers don't survive the fire?

0:47:54 Thomas: All in the cloud. It's on the, oh, come on, Tom, that one doesn't count. That's a dumb

0:47:57 Tom: It's on the cloud. Okay. It's not in the cloud, sure. Yeah.

0:47:58 Eli: Yeah, no, hey judge, can I send you a drop box link? What do you mean, no? I want want you to picture the last time you went to the post office, alright? Picture the person behind the counter. Don't use any descriptor words, but just picture the person behind the counter, and now I want you do a picture. Lydia, all black, tears running down her face, right? She's at the DMV place. Yeah, she's got the veil thing, and she's at the DMVR. Picture the last times you went to the DMR. She's holding a phone with a Dropbox on it.

0:48:04 Thomas: Question. Yeah, that's, they do do that. Nowadays, never go. I never go to the post office.

0:48:20 Thomas: Oh, she should do the veil thing that they used to do. I like that. I might do that if she dies.

0:48:30 Eli: She goes, do you take these? In your imagination, does that person say yes?

0:48:34 Thomas: Sorry, is she trying to mail something? What is she doing at the post house? I don't, yeah, there's nothing, you'd have to describe something that I understand that she's trying to do, because I don't know what's happening right now. Oh,

0:48:36 Eli: She's trying to do anything ever, don't even trip about what she's trying to Lindor, all right.

0:48:51 Tom: Oh my God.

0:48:53 Clip: DEAR OLD DAD

0:49:00 Eli: Gentlemen, before we go, why did the sperm cross the road? Because I put on the wrong socks this morning.

0:49:09 Tom: Oh my God, it took me a second because he beats off into a sock. Oh my God.

0:49:13 Eli: I

0:49:12 Thomas: Oh. Gotcha. Yeah, yeah, that's it. Okay, I like that. That was, boy, I really was stumped on that for a sec. That's as

0:50:06 Eli: Filled up a kiddie pool with jelly beans and I put them all in my butt again.

0:50:14 Tom: Just balls all the time.

0:50:15 Thomas: Accurate as calendars get. My brain says, fuck that, don't need it.

0:50:21 Eli: I'm a less likable Meryl Stream.

0:50:24 Tom: Awesome story. Also, we don't speak English.

0:50:28 Eli: I remain dispassionate!