DOD249: I Got You the Anthropologie Rock

Transcript

This transcript was generated automatically and may contain errors — the audio is the record.

0:00:02 Clip: I'm the cool dad, that's my thing I know now what I can offer you that no one else can Complete and under-dependent I'm a man, I'm sensitive I need to feel loved, I need part of being a father that I enjoy

0:00:29 Tom: Welcome to Dear Old Dads, the podcast that rocks. I'm Tom Curry. I am joined, as always, by Eli Bosnick and Thomas Smith. Hello, gentlemen.

0:00:41 Eli: I just do it in old British rocker voice the entire time.

0:00:43 Tom: Now I'm going to need an old British rocker voice the entire time.

0:00:46 Thomas: Going

0:00:48 Eli: All right, are you ready, Cleveland?

0:00:51 Tom: Okay, I take it back. I don't actually want that at all. I take that back.

0:00:53 Eli: Hello, hello, hello. I look like a drowned body, I do. Sex symbol, am I?

0:00:54 Thomas: Now you're just doing that misogynist andrew tate god

0:01:03 Eli: Oh shit, oh.

0:01:04 Tom: Oh I watched the Andrew Tate get beat up video oh I love not only that he lost that match but he lost to somebody who wasn't good that's my favorite that my very favorite thing oh god it was delicious it was fucking delicious like it's not like he got like taken apart by somebody who's fucking elite tier like he got absolutely dismantled in a slop match

0:01:08 Thomas: So good yep yep

0:01:07 Eli: How good is that? Ugh. No, he handpicked the worst possible fighter, and the guy was like, Bip.

0:01:30 Thomas: Yeah at least the jake paul actually did decide to fight the best boxer like alive almost and that guy just didn't even try until he decided like uh night night time and just killed

0:01:36 Eli: Yeah, that was insane. Hey, can I say?

0:01:41 Tom: When did that happen I missed that Jake Paul got knocked out no I hate Jake Paul

0:01:43 Eli: You didn't see that

0:01:45 Thomas: Him that we talked about that wait was it jake or the other one or who is it

0:01:48 Eli: It's logan logan is the one who got knocked out I

0:01:50 Thomas: Ye it's the younger one which one's younger I think it's Jake who

0:01:51 Eli: Think google it I don't know fucking yeah

0:01:56 Thomas: Cares why are they famous I don't know sorry somebody googling it I don't I'm not it's Jake

0:02:00 Tom: Yeah it was Jake

0:02:01 Eli: It's jake paul yeah he doesn't say

0:02:01 Tom: Paul Jake Paul Got Knocked Out yeah in this six oh wow

0:02:04 Eli: Hey can I say literally medically irresponsible to allow that to happen like you know everyone's always like oh a million dollars but you gotta last a minute in the ring against prime tyson it's like no you'll die you'll died yeah

0:02:16 Thomas: Yeah no apps there were other boxers who were like the second best in the world who didn't last a minute against Tyson like he was in prime Tyson like I would say the longest I could last would be the time it takes for him to get to me on the other side of the rink like whatever that time is is how long you would last so a second yeah

0:02:16 Tom: Yeah right I wouldn't

0:02:35 Eli: If I'm allowed to like throw my gloves off and scream, stop the match, stop the match and run in sort of a Roadrunner -esque circle.

0:02:44 Tom: Even get on the plane to Vegas you know what I mean they'd be like be like I'm like no I'm not getting on that airplane plane I

0:02:49 Thomas: That dude was the most deadly person for like 10 years or so whatever it was like god prime tyson was insane yeah

0:02:55 Eli: No, it's an insane.

0:02:56 Tom: Will say though like what what is more insane about tyson to me and I when I was still on social media I did this all the time it's like there's a rehabilitation of his image as a cultural hero that's been going on and it makes me fucking sick because he's a fucking convicted rape oh absolutely it's a total rehabilitation amongst a lot of dudes of his age

0:03:06 Thomas: I don't know about hero is it hero I don't have it really oh okay

0:03:17 Eli: It's a weird like, oh, he's just a filly, filly man. And I'm like, no, he has a lisp. He's also a convicted rapist.

0:03:21 Tom: And I'm like oh my god he's convicted rapist so anytime he would come up in those videos I would go on I'd make a comment at me like the only thing we should remember about him is he's a convicted rapist and like so many people would be like oh you wouldn't say that to his face I'm like I wouldn't say a lot of things to criminals faces like yeah that doesn't change that he's a rapist like

0:03:23 Thomas: Yeah yeah yeah to a lot of criminal's faces yeah what are you talking about

0:03:43 Tom: Your defense of him is like actually he's more violent than you would imagine and I'm like that's my whole contention why are you guys like what

0:03:44 Thomas: That's so stupid yeah

0:03:49 Eli: You say that criminal's a criminal. He's going to do a crime on you. I'll tell you that right now.

0:03:53 Tom: Yes what a fucking insane thing to have happen

0:03:53 Thomas: Yeah what a great argument

0:03:57 Eli: There's like the weird ear gummy thing, which is fucking weird. Yeah he has a gum look up mike tyson

0:04:01 Tom: What

0:04:04 Thomas: Oh okay I gotcha yeah to like profit off of that weird fucking horrible thing he did

0:04:04 Eli: Gummy he sells gummy ears that time he cheated at boxing and mutilated a fellow athlete it was fucking bizarre

0:04:12 Thomas: Bit off someone's ear yeah that is bizarre that happened I remember

0:04:18 Tom: Yeah I I don't think that there are a whole lot of other convicted rapists who are on the fucking hangover right like the movie the hangover like what who I just feel like a crazy person that this isn't all we remember about him like the most important thing about mike tyson is not that he was good at his sports it's that he's literally a convicted rapist

0:04:27 Eli: Well ed and elms ed elms yeah he's

0:04:29 Thomas: That ed helms well no that is the most important thing about him is that he's good at boxing

0:04:46 Tom: It shouldn't be though like like you don't get to be still a hero I guess is my point I know you're not saying you should be but like you like lose your cultural hero status like I don't care if you were like really good at fucking ski jumping or whatever if you're a rapist that's all you are forever the end and I feel crazy

0:04:46 Eli: Good at sports yeah oh no he's saying he should be yeah yeah they did the same thing with runner guy the guy who had the metal

0:05:07 Thomas: Pistorius no really they're taking him back oh no way no way I don't believe

0:05:07 Eli: Legs when he shot his wife yeah yeah a bunch of people were like he's so fast though yes I'll

0:05:11 Tom: Oh he's totally being rehabilitated publicly yeah yes yes and you're like sure uh also who cares like literally who

0:05:21 Thomas: You that's fucking that's now that's crazy I don't know I'm

0:05:25 Eli: Tell you what I'll tell you go ahead and google oscar pistorius and you're you're gonna see

0:05:32 Tom: Cares it'll be distressing yeah

0:05:29 Thomas: Not going to yeah well we're gonna see the problem is the AI results as we were just talking about off air now that's gonna be the new truth of our world is just bad AI results. I'm really concerned about that, actually. It's not good. Yeah.

0:05:44 Tom: You could just say ai results you don't have to say bad like it's it's the redundancy isn't necessary

0:05:51 Thomas: Man, that's not Good.

0:05:52 Eli: But gentlemen do you know the only thing worse than living in a future where we are informed of the truth by an all sentient ai run by elon musk and a series of bug-eyed man boys who have no sense of empathy why it's the auto ads yes the auto ads but is there hope you ask The AI thing?

0:06:11 Eli: Definitely not. Super no. The opposite of hope, actually. But with the auto ads there is over at patreon.com forward slash dear old dads, where for as little as a dollar, you get a commercial free version of every single show. Plus bonus episodes. We just recorded yet another couple of questions from our August 2024 AMA. And we're making it we're chugging through that thing thomas said someone should post a new one has he already forgotten absolutely there will be no fresh questions it's a there's a standoff a stand

0:06:11 Tom: Yeah no no we got through like three questions

0:06:30 Thomas: Hey, yo. Fucking A, baby. Yeah. It is not. I am not doing it. You should do it.

0:06:49 Eli: An american standoff if you will but you can break that standoff over at patreon.com forward slash dear

0:06:49 Thomas: Yeah, maybe Tom needs to do it, somebody needs to.

0:06:55 Eli: Old dance like

0:06:57 Tom: Whoa, hey, let's not get crazy over there, Thomas Smith.

0:06:59 Eli: Tom for the first time into our patreon rip into it so

0:07:10 Ad: [Ad break 1 — ad music]

0:07:11 Eli: So gentlemen, I saw something on the internet that I would love to chat with you about. It's not the subject of our show today, but it could be. I saw a hypothetical, a dinner party question, if you will, that I really enjoy. You can commit a crime and whatever crime you commit, it will never be committed by anybody else ever again. What do you do?

0:07:39 Tom: No, not answer this question. Not answer that question!

0:07:40 Thomas: That is That's a rough one.

0:07:43 Eli: It's great, right?

0:07:43 Thomas: Jeez. Yeah.

0:07:44 Tom: It's a great question, but fuck. Like, nope, spin in a circle until the end of time? I just, I just...

0:07:51 Thomas: Yeah. You know, I'll tell you. Okay. I got a sneaky good answer. I think to this, I got a sneaky, good answer identity theft.

0:07:59 Tom: Okay, but you can solve

0:08:01 Eli: There's so many I feel like

0:08:01 Tom: Bigger problems is the problem. I feel like that's, yeah.

0:08:01 Thomas: No, I hold on. I think it's right in the, in the perfect point of it's not that serious. No, no, no. No, it's not that series. It happens every day to billions of people.

0:08:06 Eli: Thomas thank you so much for solving

0:08:15 Thomas: So it's like you don't have to commit a bad, bad of a crime. You don't have to do anything horrendous, but you are solving a big ass problem. Like it's a massive problem.

0:08:24 Thomas: It's the scale of it is insane. Imagine if tomorrow you could turn off the ability to do identity theft. Like think about how many man hours across the world are going into that all day, every day. I think that's a good one.

0:08:24 Eli: It's true sure and maybe now some of the free time that they have could be spent on child

0:08:46 Tom: That's the I know eli I'm like uh I don't know

0:08:50 Eli: Rape

0:08:50 Thomas: That's good. Now that's my answer. That'S all you're getting getting out of me. I'm not doing anything.

0:08:54 Eli: Because the best part is that Thomas is like hey you know you go ahead and put your passwords online now that's been taken care Sorry, what happened to you when you were a kid?

0:09:02 Thomas: Yep. Yep, there you go. I

0:09:05 Eli: Ah, that's rough.

0:09:06 Thomas: Don't care. You can't make me do a more serious crime.

0:09:08 Eli: You know what didn't happen to you when you was a kid, no one took out a loan in your name.

0:09:10 Thomas: Yeah, identity theft. Oh, that's great.

0:09:12 Tom: This is some fucking black mirror shit like holy god yeah Yeah,

0:09:15 Eli: Might have ruined your butthole, but they didn't ruin your credit score. Tell them your answer, Tom's right.

0:09:16 Thomas: Why don't you tell me your answer? Why don'T you tell ME your answer and what you're gonna do? Go ahead! Why donT you tell me what you'RE gonna do?! See?

0:09:17 Tom: Never stop panicking over the question. Just never stop fanicking over the moral horror of that question.

0:09:28 Thomas: You can'T actually think of a better answer than that. It's a great answer.

0:09:33 Tom: Fuck, like, cause like, it's genocide. That's a big, we gotta commit one to solve one. That's awkward, I feel. I gotta write a lot of apology notes. This was for the greater good. I know you won't understand now.

0:09:37 Thomas: Genocide. It takes one to know one.

0:09:38 Eli: You gotta commit one to solve? I don't think that counts as one. You gotta be careful, though.

0:09:47 Thomas: I didn't even have to such a good answer. It happens all the time.

0:09:52 Eli: Ugh, identity theft.

0:09:54 Thomas: Give me your answer. Give me your, but you can't fucking make fun of my answer without committing to something right now.

0:10:01 Tom: Oh, it's the ultimate trolley problem. Yeah.

0:10:02 Eli: Tom said chicken. Chicken my answer's easy I'm fucking a kid to death tom's the one who's sitting there being like who am I I'm done I've already come inside that child's dead body I'm eating lunch everybody who brings it up to me I'm like you're still talking about

0:10:14 Tom: Oh my God. It's just, it'S just, I'M A HERO, EVERYBODY.

0:10:23 Thomas: Oh God. Oh my God.

0:10:31 Tom: Oh, God damn. Am uh I would like tonight drive the trolley please don't make me drive the trolley no I

0:10:35 Thomas: Eli's willing to bite that bullet. Eli is willing to to bite that bullet. I, so then I'm okay. So Eli wins that, but Tom, I'm still beating you with my crime.

0:10:46 Tom: Mean I said genocide but that feels a little like it's a like a lot well then there's no more genocides like it's it's one crime it just happens to be a crime against humanity

0:10:47 Thomas: So you're going to do a genocide. First off, that's a lot of work.

0:10:49 Eli: That that's a series of crimes that's allowed us that you can't just there's no one button genocide genocide

0:10:56 Thomas: Okay. You got to talk to the scholars and be like, what's the minimum amount that can qualify as a genocide?

0:11:01 Eli: They're actually getting asked that on a pretty regular basis right

0:11:01 Tom: As a genocide yeah

0:11:02 Thomas: And they're like, well, it's, it'S about, itS about 50 ,000 times less than what Israel is doing. And they'RE like okay

0:11:04 Tom: Yeah I know right like there's a lot of okay hear me out I'm gonna drop a small nuclear weapon now you guys but then there won't be more and now I'm the bad guy now everybody thinks I'm the bad

0:11:14 Eli: Now now I'm picturing it as every negotiation everyone's ever had with a jew where they're like come on 10 people 10 people

0:11:24 Tom: Guy does the world know that you like solve this problem or you just

0:11:28 Eli: Yes that's the thing everyone in the world knows

0:11:29 Thomas: They know wait they know that you did it to solve the problem though yeah boy that'd be a rough one that'd Be a rough One I still yeah

0:11:33 Eli: To solve the problem so you're not punished for it just at the medal ceremony tom's sitting there with his arms arms closed. I don't want it.

0:11:39 Tom: Like very awkward yeah I'm

0:11:48 Eli: I want to take a shower again.

0:11:51 Thomas: This is like this is like the first episode of Black Mirror is genuinely like that the pig fucking that's a genuine quandary

0:11:55 Tom: Gonna it is yeah Yeah. I don't want that anymore.

0:12:05 Thomas: Identity theft I'm doing it it's the best it ruins one's lives. Identity theft is no joke.

0:12:07 Eli: All right, gentlemen. Well, with the identity theft off, it's time to get to our main topic for the day. The holidays have just been passed and there's a little prank going around on TikTok. Tom, why don't you tell us a little about this?

0:12:20 Tom: So this is great. So there is a series of videos that are being passed around this being kind of like squashed together, stitched together, where women are opening gifts in front of their husband and their kids. And the kids ostensibly are giving this gift to the mom and the family. And the mom opens up this present and like it's a, she unwraps it and there's this fucking reaction and she opens it up and it's a rock. Usually a pretty good sized rock.

0:12:45 Tom: And then the kid will jump in and say, I got you the good one. I got you the big one. It was only $500.

0:12:51 Eli: It is the anthropology rock. Yeah, right.

0:12:51 Tom: It's the anthropology rock. And the mother mom reacts like, oh my god, I can't believe you splurged and got me the good ones. This is so great. Thank you you so much and the mom is just effusive absolutely effusive so the whole thing is to watch how the dad responds the husband responds because it's an obviously it's just an ugly ass garden rock just to be very clear these are not beautiful rocks they are not valuable rocks they're not decorated in any way it's it's some shit you saw it fucking like the side of the road it is a rock you would dig up and throw in a ditch it is nothing they're not even always even cleaned up like sometimes they're like kind of like still dirt on them yeah

0:13:12 Eli: Just a rock. Mm hmm. Little dirt on them sometimes. Yeah. Not always the best scenario. And to the one, every single husband in these videos goes, that's just a rock. That's just a rock that's so stupid.

0:13:41 Tom: Yeah they seem super confused there's various levels of that I think there's a handful of them are like I feel like I missed a cultural moment and I feel Like that would be me right like when I watch this I feel like I'd be like I missed a meme and it was a big one and this is a rock and I've been living under it so that's a problem for me I did not I don't where are we gonna play it's a displaying rock what do you

0:14:05 Eli: This is why I wanted to talk about this because look, let's just get it out of the way right now. We all know what Thomas was a it's a rock stupid throws it out the front door.

0:14:12 Thomas: Yep. Return it immediately.

0:14:13 Tom: Do Is there a gift receipt for that

0:14:17 Eli: And we have dads who say returning immediately, get a receipt, blah, blah, blah. You have the dads who just kind of look around confused. I would argue that's the best thing you've seen these pranks. I need the yes. And dad, cause I'll tell you if my wife opened a gift and began to cry with joy and was like, oh my God, it's so beautiful. I'm fucking in. Yeah, it is so beautiful Everything's a rock. Everything's been a rock since I was 11 years old You think I give a shit if it's a rock or not? Yeah, yeah Put it right here in the middle Let's swipe this Swarovski crystal, which I will remind you, also a fucking rock, off the table and put this rock that made my wife happy in the center of it The thing that I found interesting, aside from the prank on the dad, is that not a single fucking man in these dozens of videos that I watched goes, yeah, it's great. Every man goes, wait, wait. Let's talk about the objective truth of beauty. Fuck off, cunt.

0:14:50 Tom: Rock

0:14:56 Thomas: Oh my God. That is so good. Huh.

0:15:16 Eli: Just fucking put The Rock on your TV.

0:15:18 Tom: I thought the same thing because like there's a port over there's an analogy that like so many people people I know they are exactly that same way about anything related to fashion or jewelry at all you've heard it a million times that's just a fucking diamond it's just an expensive Rock. Why do you buy? Yeah. Who cares? You can like things that other people don't like. You can have value in things that Other people don t value. That does not matter at all. If people only liked the things that I liked and those are the only acceptable gifts, everybody would be getting fucking vintage stereo equipment and expensive bicycles they don t want.

0:15:54 Thomas: Sounds great. Wow.

0:15:55 Tom: I get that most people don't want the shit I want. I like things oftentimes that in my mind have utility. Other people like things that in their mind are beautiful or you know like whatever and there's a huge amount of denigration of that side of things and it is always the feminine side of things it is all feminine aesthetics that get shit on

0:16:15 Eli: That's the thing. Think about it. There's one video on the internet of a woman not caring about a thing a man cares about. We've all seen it and we burned her at the stake. It was the wire spool video where the guy was like this is my wire spool and she didn't immediately drop to the ground and weep salty tears over it and we were like kill that bitch with a spear the

0:16:26 Tom: Yeah I don't know this video at all no No.

0:16:39 Eli: Entire do you not know this oh this is fucking great no it's a video so it's the video this lady she's and again it's fucking perfect because the reaction and the reactions to the the reaction is fucking

0:16:40 Thomas: I don't know if it is I don't know if it's a video isn't just like a picture or something yeah

0:16:52 Eli: Great so she comes outside and her husband is like mid 50s maybe early 60s and he's holding this wire spool with just a little bit of wire left on it and she's like what you got there and he is like this is the last wire of this spool I've had this spool of wire for 40 years and I was just thinking about like we weren't even married when I bought it and like all the things I've done with it and all the places I've been and how many changes I've gone on through I was just I was just thinking about it and then she goes because you were wearing your jets hat and I thought you might be sad about the game and he was and he like rolls his eyes and walks out of frame and so collectively the world was like you fucking asshole he was having an existential crisis and you talked about a sports hat I hope you get lit on fire but the funny thing about that is it was such a singular moment of like how could you not see the meaning in this but if that was a woman who was like this is a necklace my grandmother gave me and And her husband was like, man, I look stupid to me. Just pretty rocks. It's just another day in fucking paradise for having

0:17:57 Eli: Two X chromosomes.

0:17:59 Tom: What

0:18:00 Ad: [Ad break 2 — ad music]

0:18:00 Tom: We choose to imbue with meaning can't be wrong. We don't want to accept that. And maybe I'm sensitive to it because it's things that like my wife likes that I've learned to like. But like fashion is a big thing that a lot of people feel very comfortable coming after and being shitty about. And it's like that's art you can wear. And all you have to do is stop and And think about like other kinds of art and be like, yeah, actually, no art has value outside of a person's imbuing it with value because it appeals to their aesthetic sensibilities. And there's literally nothing else to say about it except for literally that. But like we get shitty about it if it's jewelry, if it'S fashion, because they're feminized, because these are things that women like and that like women appreciate much more often than men do. And so like we're just like, well, that's impractical. It's do I just spend a paycheck on a on a ring and it's like well why spend money on a snowmobile nobody needs I don't fucking send me your email about how your livelihood depends on a snowball you know what I'm fucking talking about you don't probably need a fucking snowmobil but people don't get shitty in the same way about something like that because it's dude shit that's most of it that's most of the truth of it it's dude shit

0:19:15 Eli: The thing that was so interesting to me is like, what kind of partner are you if you're not in it to win it with your partner? Because a lot of these women are doing a pretty good performance. Unless you, right? And you can make the argument, oh, they see through it. And so that's why they're being silly. Let's presume for a moment that they aren't, right. Let's not make them all super spy truth tellers. If my wife opens anything and she's like, oh, this is meaningful and brings me joy, whose side am I on? Mine?

0:19:22 Tom: Yes

0:19:42 Eli: Against whom? And for what? Is she going to be holding my hand on the deathbed? She's going to me like, thanks for always pointing out when things I liked were stupid. Oh, you're welcome. You're welcome, I really kept you honest.

0:19:41 Thomas: True

0:19:41 Tom: Yeah right yep yeah

0:19:50 Thomas: Yeah whose side am I on mine is one of the funniest things jesus christ whose side am I online stupid

0:19:57 Tom: It's fucking true I love it I love that phrase whose side am I on mine but here's the thing dude that answer is mostly yes most people are on their own side like that's just it they're like yeah we should spend our household resources on the things I like because those things have have more value than the things that you like and that's just it I bought for christmas post christmas episode I bought hayley a whole bunch of stuff none of which I would want I was thinking about as you were talking like if you just if

0:20:15 Eli: It's fucking crazy. Tom and some red lingerie. Nope, don't enjoy it. Not my

0:20:32 Tom: You wrapped up all of those presents and reversed the names on them and said to tom from hayley I'd be like these gifts are insane they make no sense what am I gonna do with literally any of these things I don't want any of them but all of them made her so happy and the same is true in the reverse like she bought me a fucking some stereo shit and a fucking e -reader she doesn't want these things they're valueless to her if I bought her the same exact things and gave them to her she would stare at me like I was made out of fucking anthropology rocks like they are valuelESS to her but they're valuable to me these things are her value like I bought her a purse like what the fuck do I want a purse for I don't but I was really happy to buy it really excited to buy because I knew it was going to make her happy I bought her like uh leopard print doc martin boots that I found like I searched high and low and found like the last fucking pair in the world in her size and like had them shipped in from like england it was a whole fucking thing if you gave me those boots to be like I can't wear it what are you talking talking about but they made her happy it's a fucking anthropology rock to me it's no different I don't understand like why people get fucking weird about gift giving but we do we like to give gifts that we like that's actually what we do like we liketo be like yeah that's a great gift because I would kind of want

0:20:48 Eli: Color yeah yeah would fucking slay those boots tom don't you say

0:21:51 Thomas: I will say that my main complaint would be like well, I could just have gotten you that for free. Like that would be my, it wouldn't be, I want to be very clear. If she wants a rock, I'll get her a rock. But you're not paying $500 for a fucking rock. I'll go get you a rock." I think that's perfectly reasonable.

0:21:57 Tom: It what if the rock comes with a certificate of rock like authenticity that you can't otherwise

0:22:09 Thomas: Okay, maybe that's a different story. I don't know. Yeah, maybe That would be different.

0:22:10 Tom: Yeah rockticity

0:22:12 Eli: That rock rockticity yeah is that

0:22:14 Thomas: Then you're paying for the rock authenticity.

0:22:15 Eli: I don't fucking care yeah what's money for we were talking about this the other day because we're talking about the fact max goes to this camp and it's expensive but it's for neuro spicy kids right it's from max and it's expensive and I was talking to a friend I was like it was expensive and he was like I could never do it and I'm like what the fuck are are you saving up for man

0:22:24 Thomas: It's for Max. Yeah. What? Yeah. Yeah, it's so funny. I agree with that 100%.

0:22:35 Eli: What are you a saint you're gonna bribe saint peter at the gates

0:22:38 Tom: That's it no here's what I wonder I wonder if these people who are the same kind of people who don't get any joy from gift giving because eli maybe that's the disconnect for like you and I you get a lot of joy from gift giving because I think if you're like me like one of the joys of your life is to make other their people that you love

0:22:58 Thomas: What if you're broken and you get no joy from either giving or receiving gifts? Gifts at all.

0:23:02 Tom: Happy yeah like actually thomas do comment on the joylessness and nihilism of human existence as a

0:23:10 Eli: What if everything is just sort of a

0:23:10 Tom: As a family man like how does that intersect with your with your family man life yeah yeah

0:23:13 Thomas: Oh no. I love my family. I just don't really care about gifts. Nah, I just Don't care.

0:23:15 Eli: I just hate when I have to give them gifts

0:23:22 Thomas: Yeah, but they got so much shit.

0:23:23 Tom: But like you like to see them happy I don't want to make them extra happy okay

0:23:24 Eli: I've decided they're done

0:23:25 Thomas: There's no shortage of things. Look, if they were, no, no. If they were unhappy and they're like, God, I'm unhappy. And the thing I need is one more fucking plastic piece of shit. I'd be like, of course, if you really genuinely I'll buy them all the plastic pieces of shit, but They have all the Plastic pieces of Shit. Now they don't need anymore. They already are fine.

0:23:42 Tom: But tell me if I'm wrong they loved their new plastic pieces of shit they opened presents on christmas and they were happy like I know I know

0:23:48 Thomas: Yeah for the most part.

0:23:49 Eli: Yeah what are your fucking you're hoping for lasting happiness

0:23:51 Thomas: Yeah they're happy all the time that's the thing is like I'm I'm already when it comes to the kids I'm already doing my best to make them happy every day with you know

0:23:58 Tom: Yeah sure but they but then you have to say I mean unless like you're just living in a totally different existence than me like my kids are extra happy on christmus christmus makes them happier yeah

0:24:07 Thomas: Like yeah I think it's because my kids are so young I thinkit will be different when they're older and they're like like really because like kids at this age they're so happy allthe

0:24:13 Eli: I'm picturing I'm pictureing thomas sitting his 16 year old kids down and being like guys Guys, guys, I think you're old enough. We could cut out this whole

0:24:22 Thomas: Time no I love christmas I love

0:24:22 Eli: Christmas present shit, right? What do you mean, no? No, no, I'm saying you don't, because it doesn't matter. No, none of it matters is what I'm, I don't know. I'm not saying none of that matters. Why are you all crying?

0:24:28 Thomas: Christmas no that's not how I am

0:24:33 Tom: Do you get Lydia gifts for Christmas?

0:24:35 Thomas: I was really bad at that this year I got her something but I've sucked at it

0:24:38 Eli: A billion percent. Come on, we've done this show for enough years now that you know there is nothing that brings our show down harder than when we're like, and what did you do for Lydia? Well, I fucking slept, I fell asleep,

0:24:41 Tom: I think he's gotten her gifts before. Yeah.

0:24:42 Thomas: Oh yeah I get her I get er like one thing yeah

0:24:50 Eli: And she woke up and went to the store and bought herself an orange and then I woke up and I said Merry Christmas or whatever the fuck

0:24:59 Thomas: Yeah yeah it's

0:25:00 Tom: You're not trying to make unhappy people happy. You're trying to making happy people happier. Like, I just feel like there's not many opportunities that we get to be like, yeah, I'd like to celebrate you today. You know it's a fun chance to do that no no but I think that's the disconnect I think there's a lot of people that

0:25:05 Thomas: Pretty much nah sure that's fair oh that's great for you I'm I'm happy

0:25:17 Eli: I'm happy that it made it to you some people like child porn too

0:25:21 Tom: Don't feel joy in gift giving I

0:25:23 Eli: I don't know what to tell you man I don' want any of that either even if it ends the crime for the next person I'm not interested

0:25:30 Tom: Know

0:25:30 Thomas: I got her this identity theft and she wouldn't yeah

0:25:32 Eli: Oh yeah I would have to film it that's smart I gotta film the thing that I'm doing that's a good point good point coming together

0:25:36 Thomas: What sorry what

0:25:38 Tom: There's going to be a significant number of people in our audience that feel the same way as you thomas that just are just like Like, yeah,

0:25:39 Thomas: What the fuck was that What is that joke you were just making?

0:25:43 Tom: I'm blowing past that.

0:25:43 Thomas: I'm like deeply concerned. I don't know what's happening. Okay, now I get it. No, I get you.

0:25:45 Eli: I'm fucking and killing the child and now I have remembered I have to film it because then I get child porn too I'm doing a twofer you tom's still in the corner

0:25:55 Tom: I'm never getting out of that corner.

0:25:55 Thomas: I get at least understand the joke you were doing now. Thank you. We can move on. I just genuinely for a second thought that was you remembering I got to hit record on the camera just for me. You know, like I thought you were just like, oh, fuck. I need to record that.

0:25:58 Eli: Weeping ah damn

0:26:19 Ad: [Ad break 3 — ad music]

0:26:20 Eli: I actually fixed a gift giving mistake that I made last year this year so last year my family me lily my mom people who do christmas together and of course max but we do list for him we all exchange christmas lists so we got a note got a family note going iphone note here are all the presents I want here are the presents I want and then everyone goes into separate text threads that doesn't have that person in it and you go what are you getting what am I getting and then I just back clean up on my wife got her all the stuff and I realized last year as she was opening her presents she knew what all her presents were she had asked for them all and that kind of sucked like she was happy she was grateful and she didn't have like a moment where she stared wistfully out of the window and she was like no surprises for me right she's incredibly grateful for what I got her but I didn't like it I didn'T like that she she didn't have any surprises. So this year I did also get her a few surprises on top of the things that she requested.

0:27:13 Eli: And I felt much better about that. I'll tell you, can I tell you the worst thing about shopping for my wife? And I hate it. I hate It so much. I adore my wife, but I hate it so much I'm sharing with you podcast listeners. Don't tell her. So my wife is a deeply ethical ethical shopper have you yes have you tried shopping ethically in a world of amazon.com amazon.com is like anything you want anytime it'll be there in two and a half seconds we have a amazon driver he's in a black hole holding all potential objects he can't pee but he's in a super position with all the objects outside your house you

0:27:27 Tom: Boo, no fun. Boo.

0:27:39 Thomas: It's hell yeah it's a superposition of all yeah yeah

0:27:53 Eli: Push this button and we use your credit card points. So it's not even real money. You can hook up your credit card points and it's just fucking, Oh, how much did that cost you? Nothing. Oh, thank you. Magical Amazon for bringing me this thing in two hours. But my wife is like small artists, companies that are run ethically. She fucking checks them on like websites where you could check to make sure that they treat their employees. Well, she goes on glass door sometimes to be like, well, how is it to work at that? I know how people feel about vegans. Every time my wife has like all my shit on the list is like, just find this version on Amazon. Fuck it. If I want a hat, Amazon hat. If I want a coat, Amazon coat. Fucking do it. My wife is like I want you to go to Sarah Lowe. It's a fucking lady's name because it's just her. SarahFoffenseer .com and she's like I've got seven of these wire bracelets that I made and if you if you want to buy one, I'll put it in a little well I first have to get out of bed because I have cancer and then I'll put it in an envelope and I'll take it to the post office and it'll be there in five years so I had to do my shop I did my shopping for my wife in fucking november it was insane I literally I'm watching the turkey be cut and I'm like hey laura do you mind fucking you know I don't know how chemo's going but you mind hauling your ass down to the host office yeah

0:28:58 Thomas: So good jesus how did you know christmas was happening then oh wow

0:29:15 Eli: I did I got her ethical presents for the most part I got her a couple of unethical presidents because I see all the other thing about unethcial presence you can't trust those motherfuckers sometimes they send you a real email from a real person first of all second of all they fucking they'll be like we're so sorry but with the busyness of the holiday season your three-week shipping is actually six weeks shipping and and I'm like fuck you no that's kill the person you have to kill the person what there There needs to be a blood diamond involved. Yeah, what the fuck? You know what? This is really bad because this is another thing. Ethical shopping. A couple months ago. More. Six months ago, Anna and Kip, who lives with us, they decided we are doing Good Dot Store. Do you guys know what Good Dot Story is? Okay.

0:29:48 Tom: Dude,

0:29:49 Thomas: Did you let him pee or something come on no tom

0:30:05 Tom: No. No, this is amazing. This is so different. I'm going to tell you a story about one of the gifts I bought Haley, and I'm probably going to get fucking canceled.

0:30:12 Thomas: Yeah it's an actual blood diamond with blood on it it's a blood diamond and with the child's arm attached to it

0:30:13 Eli: That sounds great. I love it. It got her a fucking mink that's still dripping with blood. Fucking get it, baby.

0:30:18 Tom: You're not far off. You're Not Too Far Off.

0:30:21 Eli: Mink, blood, diamond. Diamond blink.

0:30:24 Ad: [Ad break 4 — ad music]

0:30:24 Eli: So Good Dot Stores is owned by the Vlogbrothers. Hank Green, John Green. John Green wrote Fault in Our Stars. Hank Green invented SciShow, which is what your children watch when their teachers are hungover in television. They have a thing called Vlogbrothers. They've been doing it forever. They're the only good internet community and creators. They've done amazing stuff. I love them a lot. And they have a think called Good .Store where you can buy ethical versions of the shit you buy. And all the proceeds, because it's a charity, go towards child mortality in fucking Sierra Leone.

0:30:53 Eli: Like, it's the best possible thing. It rules, right? No they're not fighting identity they're second only now

0:30:55 Thomas: They're not fighting identity theft fuckers I mean it's like they don't even It's like they don't even care.

0:31:01 Eli: That's cool because that means that hank and john green would almost certainly fly to africa and kill a baby with tuberculosis so I feel like me and them would have something to talk about so they have like coffee and tea and soaps and household cleaning stuff and we switched all our fucking shit over to them

0:31:14 Thomas: Damn it. Why didn't I know about this before Christmas? That would have actually been a good Lydia thing. Lydia, can I do a do-over? I'm going to order something.

0:31:20 Eli: And they have a sock club and an underwear club great yeah get it it's great but here's the problem here's a problem problem it's household daily items and with household daily items I don't know about you but when I buy those things I buy those things when I run out of them and in the age of Amazon that's not a problem right oh I'm all out of dishwasher soap that's okay and then the fucking guy's arm emerges from the back hole and he's screaming he's like I'm in a hell dimension when I'm not here and I just take the soap right and I let the portal

0:31:45 Thomas: Yep, yep. I just want to go pee. I just wanna pee, please. I haven't peed for so long.

0:31:53 Eli: Close his hand gets cut off by the portal I put it in the garbage disposal I grind down the hand that was left in my dimension it's best the thing their shipping is three weeks

0:31:56 Thomas: My bladder is about to explode. Oh my God, you're

0:32:06 Tom: Jesus Christ for fucking like dish soap and toothpaste

0:32:09 Thomas: Like getting toilet paper and shit you're like well we'll have more toilet paper in three weeks

0:32:14 Tom: This is a gift item like you're like hey I got you soap but it's ethical soap merry christmas

0:32:18 Eli: No no no so I got her the fucking Etsy store and the fucking shit is what I went no but I'm talking about no they did this for the cleaning things is they

0:32:23 Tom: Oh okay I was gonna say like if I got Haley's soap and I was like but nobody died fucking I would die I would died like she'd be like well someone's about to

0:32:29 Thomas: You would die yeah someone's got to pay for this with their

0:32:34 Eli: Did someone's got gotta pay for this well deserved

0:32:39 Thomas: Life. Oh, that's so

0:32:34 Tom: Here yeah what oh my god I so I got Haley and like I'll let me finish the whole sentence I got a fur coat for christmas but hold on

0:32:46 Thomas: Good hold on it was specifically baby animals that felt more pain. Yeah.

0:32:46 Eli: Cool it was human

0:32:52 Tom: But like I got her a vintage fur because I was reading like a fur coat obviously like I don't want to like I don't want to have they're kind of done

0:32:57 Thomas: They killed a really old ass animal. They went to the old folks. They killed one of those sea turtles. No, they don't have fur. Never mind. It's like a hundred years old.

0:33:08 Tom: There's a whole market for vintage fur coats that are you know they're obviously they're 30 40 sometimes 50 years old they're still in great condition they're circulating around and it's old fur coat. That's what it is. But like, it's either that or throw it in the trash. There's two arguments. The one argument is like, when is it a good thing to just throw things in the garbage and create more waste when it can be recycled? And the other argument is, like, yeah, but you're going to influence other people. And I'm like, no, I'm not.

0:33:37 Tom: I'm not an influencer. Nobody gives a shit. Nobody looks at Tom and Haley and like,

0:33:37 Thomas: Everyone Listening, buy a new fur coat right now. Everyone listening. And say it's Tom's fault.

0:33:44 Eli: Fur yes

0:33:47 Tom: Like I just find that to be an absolutely insane argument that you're like encouraging some other industry where people are gonna no that's fucking nonsense like we are not j -load fucking company out here like we're just random people should probably wear it once every handful of years and it's just kind of a cool thing and it's like I got this fur coat and I felt really ethically I was like yeah like I did some reading about it I feel comfortable with it but it's a genuine fur coat like that is something I'm just as you're talking about the lengths that Anna goes to to make sure that all of her stuff, I'm like, yeah, I did a little reading, and I was like, Yeah, I'm comfortable with this. It seems fine. I'm all right with it.

0:34:26 Eli: Know so the problem with reading enough peter singer is so you have one of two reactions to reading peter singer right you read that book about the drowning child and you have one of the first is cognitive dissonance and that's no fun that's the person who's like Well, actually, here's why you tell the terror. And you're like, just go fuck yourself with your fucking weird self. Go into psychosis somewhere else. And then there's a second reaction where you go, yeah, that's probably true.

0:34:53 Eli: I'm not going to do anything about it, but you got me. And that's how I feel about all the evil shopping things is I'm like, oh, no, I'm aware how evil those are. And I can't. That's too late. But again, I am outvoted.

0:35:07 Tom: Well, I could not buy this vintage fur, for example, but then still buy a pair of shoes that I know are made in a sweatshop in fucking Vietnam. And, like, which is worse? I know the PETA people would fucking throw blood on me and claim that, you know, this is terrible or whatever, but, like I don't know, man. Man, like all the fast fashion everybody's wearing everywhere is actually worse. So I'm like, whatever. I can't the bandwidth that takes the fucking bandwidth that it takes to do it like perfectly. And then the money that it take to do perfectly is impossible. It's an impossible standard.

0:35:39 Thomas: That's what they always say is let the perfect be the enemy of the good.

0:35:42 Eli: Get in the way of the gun no

0:35:43 Tom: Yeah. That's why it feels like fuck it. You know, it does. It feels like, fuck it, let's fix things from a systemic level and like not fucking blame people on the ground.

0:35:54 Eli: Ethical consumption under capitalism baby

0:35:56 Tom: Like there isn't there is not

0:35:56 Eli: Unless you're my fucking wife

0:35:59 Tom: Yeah well and is it she's willing to wait six weeks for her toothpaste from fucking an Etsy seller or whatever you know

0:36:00 Eli: Apparently she's fucking she's the one good dot store, that's right The socks, it's good stuff keeping me moral

0:36:16 Ad: [Ad break 5 — ad music]

0:36:21 Tom: Thomas, are you getting Lydia on anthropology rock you got to tell us now

0:36:24 Thomas: Yeah no now I want to order what from this site what was it I actually I already forgot good dot store I'm gonna do it all right I'm going to do it and since she edits since she edits the show I'm totally going to pull this off

0:36:24 Eli: Yeah good dot store it's great because you just got to remember it's a good store good dot store, it's fucking great and they already built something she's asleep at this point

0:36:36 Thomas: I'll be like hey the gifts came late that's true we're late enough in the show that she's falling asleep and I will have to finish the work no she's been getting through it 90 of the time it's you know

0:36:47 Tom: Do you have people in your? I have a friend of mine that's like this you have people in their life for whom a really great gift would be one of those charity gift certificates where it's like yeah I got you a hundred dollars to spend on any charity of your

0:36:58 Thomas: Oh, see that would be me except don't make me do it literally just be like hey I got you a certificate that says I donated to charity and that's it that's the you don't even need to put in my name I don't give fucking who fucking cares about my name if you did that I'd be like well that's something because here's the thing I can't experience joy I don't have joy so what it's a waste. There's no point why do it

0:37:21 Tom: Choice God, I have a friend of mine who is like an Anna like she's just like a genuinely really good person like she was a scientist for the epa her whole life just as a really good person

0:37:33 Eli: She mostly screams now just

0:37:37 Tom: Yeah well I'll tell you what her and her husband both were scientists for the EPA and they're both retired now and like yeah yeah just I

0:37:40 Thomas: Oh my God. That's cool.

0:37:41 Eli: Screams yeah 33 seems about the right time to hang up the old bootstraps

0:37:47 Tom: Mean but like she's just like a genuine and that would be a like if you gave her that gift she'd be like this is such a thoughtful gift and I wish I was a good person because I know people like that and I'm but in my heart I'd be but I didn't get anything I'm no good I'm just not I I wish I were better but I'm

0:38:01 Thomas: Man. I am like that. I genuinely am like that. And it's less that like, Oh, I'm amazing person. It's more like there's just a zero on the other end of the ledger. The other end is a zero. There's nothing that can really do anything for my joy. So if you were like, Hey, I donated and it would actually be cool if it was like, Like, look, this fucking kid, they weren't going to have ears and now they have ears. I'd be like, that's fucking awesome.

0:38:20 Tom: Not what thomas

0:38:29 Eli: Everyone do an angel tree for Thomas

0:38:32 Thomas: Yeah, I like that. That's fucking cool. I like that.

0:38:33 Eli: He'd love the shit out of an angel train

0:38:36 Tom: Just said is send him a box of children's ears that's what what I

0:38:37 Thomas: Yeah, that's the crime that I'm going to commit

0:38:38 Tom: Heard is he just wants a box of children's ears that's

0:38:40 Eli: Now the utilitarian argument is would you rather I give a hundred real dollars or I lie and be like like, I gave $10,000 to the angel tree this year because I think it's better if I do the second one.

0:38:50 Tom: It yeah right it encourages other people before

0:38:51 Thomas: To what if you just lie and say you are just gaming the fuck out of the system.

0:38:59 Eli: Yeah. You're my pleasure monster and I'm amping up the dial. I think I'm fucking hard utilitarianism. Let's fucking do this thing.

0:39:06 Tom: We go were there any home run presents that your kids got this year anything that your children got that they were just like holy shit fucking home

0:39:13 Eli: Can I complain about something? No illusions and Lucinda illusions have never fucking missed with my son.

0:39:14 Tom: Run sure always that's the point of the show

0:39:24 Eli: My son is old enough now that when I get him gifts I get him what he asks for he was like I want this book and I want this toy and I don't want this toy and what this I ordered one of his toys this year from japan he watches this video where this fucking adult plays with toys and one of the ones he's playing with with these fucking nice transformers from japon and I go on the guy's website and he's like hey I hope your kid doesn't ask for these because these you can only get in fucking japan so I go to japan in the went in the internet and I'm like send me through those motherfuckers and they send it to me across the goddamn ocean he opens it up he's like eh thanks I remember these fucking that's cool I'll play with them a little bit you transform them for me because I don't know who has got the fucking time I'm a busy man but oh and lucinda since this kid was born they have got him a gift that he did not ask for it's not like they listen and they get him the gift he asked for get him a give they do not ask whatever they get him and sometimes it's It's not like, oh, I always pretend to like what Lucinda likes. Sometimes it's just like a random one. We don't even know who gave it. We're checking later. It's always the fucking hit of the season. They got him his ball pit, which he was addicted to

0:40:31 Thomas: Damn ball pit store.

0:40:34 Eli: Like heroin for the first three years of his life.

0:40:37 Thomas: Sorry. Vaulted store is the best oh

0:40:37 Eli: Yes, ball pit store. Second thing, they fucking got him. What else did they get? They got them his tent. He's got a little tent. He fucking loves that more than anything. And then this year, they got him these singing cats. Little fucking rubber cats. And you push on their backs and they either play one note in the octave or they play their own song so you can push them a bunch of times and it plays you a song yes

0:40:59 Thomas: I think lucinda can just get in the mind of a and I mean this in the best way she just like is a thing with kids like she just knows everything that kids want it's amazing she's always been so great with our

0:41:10 Eli: Every other present he was like this is great this is a great thanks so much he's a grateful kid and he wasn't ungrateful every other person he played with these fucking music cats for two and a half hours he was just on these fucking me what about you do you any home runs how did donovan like the stereo

0:41:20 Thomas: Kids wow that's awesome oh yeah

0:41:22 Tom: Amazing donovan liked the stereo he hasn't I'm I am anxious for for him to hook it up he hasn't had a chance to hook it up yet I am very anxious for him to hook up he was like it was actually cool because he opened it up and he looked up he's like but this is yours and I was like well it was but now it's yours so I think that was a hit Amon got a Lego Avengers tower it's

0:41:44 Thomas: That's awesome oh nice that's a good one yeah

0:41:48 Eli: Those are cool.

0:41:49 Tom: 5200 pieces and it has like 32 minifigures in it and like credit where it's due it's fucking complicated 5200

0:41:57 Thomas: That're so the legos are fucking cool now man they're just so cool.

0:42:01 Eli: I'm too stupid for him. He gets the sets.

0:42:03 Tom: Pieces he's been slogging into that fucking thing. Like he's like probably a little over 50 % of the way through it. He's just like, I'm going to go lock in and build Legos.

0:42:14 Thomas: That's awesome.

0:42:14 Tom: And he just sits there and he locks in. He like watches some fucking YouTube on the background. And He's like, he's going to build that. I was a little nervous. I'm like, ah, he is 11. He is not the most like good at concentrating 11 either. You know, he isn't a particularly precocious 11. So I was like, this is a pretty complicated set. I hope I didn't just buy him a bunch of bags of random Legos, you know, for the price of that thing. But no, he's he's working on it. Like, I think he's going to complete that project. And I was I was impressed.

0:42:35 Thomas: What's wrong with that?

0:42:41 Clip: DEAR OLD DAD

0:42:47 Eli: All right, gentlemen, before we go, what do you get when you cross the DNA of a goat and a human? Banned from the petting zoo.

0:42:58 Tom: What

0:43:44 Eli: Might have ruined your butthole, but they didn't ruin your credit score.

0:43:48 Thomas: That's what they always say is let the perfect be the enemy of the good.

0:43:53 Eli: Thanks for always pointing out when things I liked were stupid.

0:43:58 Tom: Thomas just said is send him a box of children's ears.

0:44:02 Eli: Whose side am I on? Mine?