DOD191: This Is Your Parents on Drugs

Transcript

This transcript was generated automatically and may contain errors — the audio is the record.

0:00:02 Clip: I'm the cool dad. That's my thing. I know now what I can offer you that no one else can. Complete and honor dependent. I'm a man. I'm sensitive. I need to feel loved. I need to be desired.

0:00:22 Clip: Telling is the only part of being a father that I enjoy.

0:00:28 Tom: To Dear Old Dads, the podcast that's not sure where to store its bong. I'm Tom Curry. I'm joined, as always, by Thomas Smith and Eli Bosnick. Hello, gentlemen. What

0:00:39 Eli: Gentlemen, welcome! It's me, Willy Wonka, and I'm here to tell you a poop story!

0:00:47 Thomas: What is this? I was just going to say, is this the thing you teased at the end of the last thing?

0:00:47 Tom: Is happening right now?

0:00:48 Eli: That's right. Me for a poop.

0:00:51 Tom: No idea what's happening either.

0:00:53 Thomas: Well, also the non patrons also don't know what's going on.

0:00:56 Eli: That's right. I have a poop story for you. And it's not the thing I teased at the last patron episode, but it does have to do with the last episode. Now, gentlemen, I think guy talk. Get ready for some guy talk, get it in a new guy talk I think we've all had a little sprinkle when we tinkle Little edge around the bowl. And as good society, members of society, we all know, if you sprinkle when you tinkle, please be neat. Wipe the seat.

0:01:25 Thomas: Of course.

0:01:25 Eli: So, I would like to share with you the horror, the experience of being my wife. That's right! I'm here to give you a little inside scoop as to what it's like to be my wife, so we're recording our last episode moments ago. It's last week to you, listener, but for us, it was mere moments ago, and

0:01:43 Thomas: My balls are still intact right now, by the way.

0:01:45 Eli: Balls are still intact as of this, as we're recording this, but his balls have been gone for a week. You've all stolen all the loads you wanted.

0:01:46 Thomas: That's how you know right now. Now it

0:01:47 Tom: So he says.

0:01:52 Eli: It's away miles at this point.

0:01:52 Thomas: Was yeah it was a good uh it was good 24 hours very

0:01:56 Eli: So we record this and Anna texts me while we're and I have a way that I can see text messages on my computer because I have Apple everything. And she's like, hey, how's your stomach doing? And I'm like, it's okay. And miss the bowl.

0:02:17 Thomas: My god what that's

0:02:18 Tom: No. With your ass? I mean, with your ass?

0:02:20 Eli: My ass is the question. And,

0:02:22 Thomas: A hard thing to miss

0:02:23 Tom: That's, how?

0:02:24 Eli: And I'm like, uh, fucking no. And she's like, okay, well, I'm going to leave the downstairs bathroom as I found it just now. And I'll let you make an assessment. And it was like, definitely not. Madge doesn't use the toilet.

0:02:33 Thomas: What

0:02:43 Tom: Was very weird.

0:02:45 Eli: When I tell you, I shat all over our bathroom floor and I have, I have no idea how I met, look, I I assume it was a ricochet situation, but had I squatted and shat directly onto the floor, I can't imagine I would have shat more on the floor than I just discovered I shet on the

0:02:50 Tom: What?

0:03:00 Thomas: My God what the fuck is happening right now trick toilet bowl

0:03:13 Tom: First of

0:03:16 Eli: I don't know. I need Dexter to come and do. Remember when Dexter goes into like Dexter vision and uses the bloods back. I mean, I need poopster to come see the angles of the shots that allowed me to shit all over my bathroom floor. And can I tell you the worst part? The worst part is my son was watching me clean up my poop while he's sitting there. He's watching his afternoon iPad and I'm just with paper towels spraying and wiping everything. And I can see him losing respect for me in his eyes. I saw it live in the moment for him to be like, all right, dad also has shit.

0:03:51 Thomas: He picked a hell of a time to know you exist. He just did right then. He was like, wait, I have a dad.

0:03:55 Eli: Then is when he became aware. Oh, and he shits all over the floor sometimes. Yeah. So look in a couple episodes when like, they're like, Hey everybody, um, Eli passed away. It turns out he had two butthole syndrome and it really got away from it.

0:03:58 Tom: Christ.

0:04:12 Eli: I don't know.

0:04:12 Thomas: Grew a side butthole.

0:04:23 Eli: I If you ever listen to me and you think, God, he's so funny. I'd be so lucky to be held by him. To his partner. Know that sometimes you walk into the bathroom and I've pooped all over the floor. And that you get a sassy couple of text messages back when you point it out.

0:04:38 Tom: Not even the craziest part of this story.

0:04:41 Eli: Me there, Tom.

0:04:42 Tom: The craziest part of the story is that you shit all over the floor and then presumably didn't notice that you had done it.

0:04:50 Eli: Didn't notice it. I walked in and went on with my life.

0:04:51 Tom: That there's stinking piles of shit and you just like wipe your ass or maybe not.

0:04:55 Eli: Everywhere.

0:04:57 Thomas: I mean, to be fair,

0:04:58 Tom: I don't know. And then you just pull your droid. Yeah. How would you notice? Yeah, it's actually.

0:04:58 Thomas: Have you seen his house? I mean.

0:05:01 Eli: What is it, Friday? I'm not wiping my ass. What am I, a duke?

0:05:05 Tom: Can't imagine shitting on the floor accidentally, but then I can imagine not noticing as I'm leaving. Like there seems to be some shit.

0:05:14 Eli: The It's like Confucius said, the man who shits on the floor can't smell it.

0:05:20 Tom: There's also like if if I did that, there's a zero percent chance anyone would ever find out about that. Like if if I ever I would be like, oh, guess what story I am definitely not telling to the public.

0:05:29 Thomas: Not telling on the podcast.

0:05:31 Eli: I need the world to know, Tom, because my sexual magnetism, it's up there. It's see the fan pages.

0:05:36 Thomas: Did you call a detective? What, what happened? What, how do you, do you have an answer?

0:05:41 Eli: Here's So what genuinely, from the bottom of my heart, I assume it was a ricochet situation. I think...

0:05:46 Tom: Shit doesn't ricochet. What are you talking about?

0:05:48 Eli: Okay.

0:05:49 Tom: You shit in a toilet bowl.

0:05:47 Thomas: Did You Eat Bullets?

0:05:49 Eli: All right. Well, fucking check it. Check your

0:05:51 Tom: How

0:05:51 Eli: Privilege, Mr. I don't have IBS because shit.

0:05:54 Tom: Does it ricochet out of the toilet? Your ass plugs the big hole of the... I just...

0:05:57 Thomas: Angular Velocity.

0:05:58 Eli: You. My fellow IBS survivors are canceling you so hard right now, Tom. So hard. What are you going to do in a post cancellation world where the IBSers rise up against you?

0:06:15 Thomas: Okay.

0:06:15 Eli: You have a lot of learning to do. A lot of looking inward. Much butthole, you have a look inward to do, gentlemen, do you know the only thing worse than the idea that this might be someone's first episode of our podcast? Why?

0:06:12 Tom: What the... Eli Coley.

0:06:28 Thomas: It's also their last episode of our podcast. My

0:06:30 Eli: It's the auto ads. The auto ads, they're in and amongst this podcast like my poop is in and every surface of my house, apparently. And you can make that stop over at patreon.com forward slash dear old dads, where for as little as a dollar, you'll get me the gastroenterology appointments I so desperately need. Patreon.com Much like my butthole rip into it.

0:06:41 Thomas: Can we? Thank God. God, pay for Eli's butthole surgery. Boy. Okay. Supposed to do a show after that? It's one way to start.

0:07:05 Tom: That's certainly I don't know. They say the show must go on, but like, does it have to?

0:07:10 Eli: Show must go on!

0:07:11 Tom: Does it actually have to because, you know.

0:07:11 Thomas: Must it?

0:07:12 Eli: We did a not fun last week, now we're doing a fun one. And nothing more fun than me shitting all over my floor while my son realizes it'd be better for me to be dead.

0:07:22 Tom: My God. Right, so this says a listener email. This is from Bud. Hey, dads, I was happy when Eli finally shared his pot party story on the podcast. I recall him referencing it long ago and been waiting for the inevitable circle back to that story. I'm currently engaged to the best woman I've ever met with and kids planned after the wedding. I, to quote Eli, love weed, but I'm struggling to see how it could mesh with the responsibilities of fatherhood. Any tips on how to responsibly use weed as a parent, if at all? I don't have any role models for this situation. I'm curious how Eli's dad balanced his marijuana use with his family.

0:08:03 Thomas: I forgot about that.

0:08:04 Tom: Love the podcast.

0:08:05 Thomas: Hope you don't tell any stories about shitting on the floor. Bye. You're a biggest fan.

0:08:11 Eli: So I mean, look, this is a tough scenario. Being a dad's about giving up a lot. So I'll tell you my experience, right? Let's clarify. My experience pre-Anna was being high all day, every day, my entire life.

0:08:28 Eli: Just all day. There's a point where you do drugs, and then there's a part where you are drugs. And I had found a really good are drugs thing, but then I met Anna, and the funny thing is, the reason why I stopped smoking as much when I met my wife is I would be too high and forget to text her back. But I loved texting my wife so much that I'd be like, ah, I'm not going to get stoned in case Anna texts me today. Or I'm going to kick a stone in case I want to text Anna back or like she calls or something. Cause if she'd call, it wasn't like I was too busy giggling to talk on the phone, but like it wasn't the same conversation. I wasn't having as good a time with it. So that cut down my weed use pretty X. I mean, it cut it down from infinity to not infinity. Right. Before I had kids, you know, you the thing. The thing about drugs that they don't tell you, right, that when they're a kid, they're like, hey, drugs feel real good. Right. And people do drugs because they feel good. And true. You do drugs for the first time and they do feel good, but then you kind of get used to the good feeling. And then the thing that drugs do is they pass the fucking time. Right? 2 p .m. Can't go to sleep till 10. You know what you could do? Drugs. You know what will have happened in between drugs? It's great. You It's like skipping a cut scene, but in life it fucking rules. Right. So I did a bunch of that, but then my son was born. And the thing about having a kid is then you're responsible all the time. Now

0:09:56 Eli: Look, good drug users know, right? You never smoke before you have to drive. Right? And you don't listen to that friend who's like, I'm a better driver. Hi. No, you're fucking not. No one's a better

0:10:06 Thomas: There was always that guy. 100%.

0:10:08 Eli: There's always one. There's ALWAYS one who's like,

0:10:10 Tom: Only person I would believe it for is you, Eli. But that's because you're such a bad driver sober.

0:10:15 Thomas: Sorry to interrupt, but I have a funny version of that, which is that I had these friends in school who were convinced before the AP Spanish exam that they speak Spanish better because it's like there's that portion of the exam that was always so funny. I don't know how they do it now, but back then you had to go into a room by yourself with a tape recorder and they'd have these prompts be like, why don't you talk about a time that you and your friend went to the whatever? And it was, oh my God, it was so So hilarious to find out how little Spanish I actually knew after taking four years of Spanish. I'd be like, uh, don't date me to the, uh. But these friends of mine were like, we thought we'd speak Spanish better. So they were high up there. They were good students too. They're actually, these weren't like slackers. These were really smart. And because they figured like this exam was so hard anyway. And so they got all high and then they're like, yeah, we couldn't even say anything. I just like couldn't Even record at all.

0:11:04 Eli: We, uh... We're just giggling. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Yeah, no, that is that is a real part of it. So, yeah, you learn these responsibilities when you're high. Right. If something's going on, if someone's smoking for this is a big one that you learn if because once you're the drug guy. Right, if you love weed, you'd never if you don't smoke weed. I'll explain. There's always a point no matter what age you are, when you are a person who does drugs, that someone kind of sidles up to you and is like, hey. Don't do drugs can I can I try your drugs and it's it's awesome because here's the thing they don't tell you everyone wants to tell you the story oh I ate too many edibles and I got lost in the snow and I had to trek through through my hot tub and the pizza man died at my hand right if you're tom right but Sometimes you give someone a great first drug experience and you feel like a little Sherpa, right? The blowjob of life experiences. You're like, you're welcome. You got just there. Have good one, right.

0:11:50 Thomas: Yeah fuck tom paid the pizza guy like four thousand dollars or something yeah tom now I know why you never had your you had those money problems

0:12:08 Eli: ,000, $10,000. He almost Almost froze to

0:12:08 Tom: I gave that guy a lot of money. Like, all pretty much the case, yeah. I have, yeah, that was terrible. Terrible.

0:12:20 Thomas: So good

0:12:23 Eli: So right. You don't smoke if it's someone else's first time. Right. Because then you're too high if they freak out and that's all. And you learn that lesson. You cause know, you're always like, well, the weeds out and he seems fine and you did not wait long enough. Right? You waited three. He like took a hit and you were like, he's good hitting the bong. And then you got, no, it's awful. So So the responsibility thing, right? You kind of learn responsible drug use or you don't. You buy a Monster Energy hat and you call your ex -wife a bitch on Facebook, right? There's only two pathways. And one of them is the Monster Energy Hat. So, look, if you're Monster Energy Cat, I can't help you. But most of us, right, we just love marijuana. We love how it makes us feel. Love the strain names. You love dispensaries. You live the legalization right now. Oh, there's a dispenser in my town. You rush in and there's some fucking cool an old lady. She's 55 and she's like, I love. Ganja queen it's my favorite strain and you're like fuck yeah grandma we did it we made it they're not putting us in jail anymore I used to have to sit in a stranger's car it you get a nice as an adult you're getting fucking nice bongs because you're how much the nicest fucking bong in the universe is 28 and

0:13:34 Eli: You like fucking line it up cheech let's make this real So you do that stuff, right? But then the responsibility. Here's the thing about kids. Kids just turn that knob of responsibility from, I mean, I'm a podcaster, so it was at a one. It turns that knob responsibility from a one up to a 10 for like the first two years. Pretty much at a 10 all the time. And you almost never, unless you got like a good babysitter or a who can come and watch the kids. There's never a good time to smoke weed, right? Can make one.

0:14:16 Eli: You can be like, oh yeah, he's asleep. But what if he fucking wakes up and needs you and is like, I'm forming memories. You're like, ah, fuck, sorry. This movie would have been funnier if I was high, right. Here's the thing, and I know that's sad, bud. Did we mention his name is Bud? His name is bud. I know. That's sad. But but here is the thing. Then you two years later, three years later. Right. Kids asleep. Partners sober. Right 10 in the evening. Everything's good. And if your kid wakes up, you can go in and be like, you OK? And they're like, hey, do lawnmowers ever come to life? No. All right. And they fucking fuck off back to sleep. Right? It's great. Then you get high for the first time in a really long time, and it's like getting high in eighth grade again. You're smoking weed out of an apple behind the vice principal's office. You forgot how good drugs are. So here's the thing they don't tell you that they should. When you stop doing drugs, the drugs... fucking rule you do I used to do mushrooms on just taking mushrooms on the way to work fucking eating mushrooms

0:14:15 Thomas: Interesting yeah jesus

0:15:24 Eli: Chewing them up on the fucking subway platform so I can stand selling magic thumbs to kids that kid didn't buy one oh look a little streamer on the light if I eat a fucking piece of mushroom chocolate these days I I'm shitting all over the floor I'm doing all kinds of shit so

0:15:24 Tom: Jesus Christ.

0:15:31 Thomas: That's fair that's

0:15:42 Tom: How can you tell the difference?

0:15:43 Thomas: I genuinely thought that That was why you were telling that story. And there was going to be some relief of, oh, he was high off his ass. Nope. Didn't even get that relief. It was just, no, I just, just shat on the floor. Apparently.

0:15:51 Eli: Stone cold sober. So here's what I'll tell you, but you are going to use drugs a lot less often. You're going to hundred percent first couple of months of that you in my case maybe not you bud you realize that you were a drug addict right because here's the thing we're all like drug addict that means basketball diaries right like yeah I'm gonna be sucking dicks and banging on doors and being like let me in so I can have some lean but what you do is every time you pause you'll be like oh I can smoke a blunt and then you'll I've had that thought like eight times today. I think I might have been addicted to those drugs. And sucks because we also have a bunch of societal shit about that where it's like, oh, I'm a bad person. Riding I oh I should have just had a fresh mint leaf and taken a walk or ridden a little girl bike like Tom does, whatever that is. You get over it. After two months, you stop particularly caring and you're like, all right, you and move on. But then when you do the drugs, they fucking rule. And this this is what we're saving, bud. Right. Tom Thomas, their kids are going to want to do drugs. Right? Who are they going to come to? You Finn and Donovan are going come to Tom and be like, hey, dad, we want to try weed. Absolutely not. He's a cop. They're going to

0:17:12 Eli: And then you get to be the cool dad with the drugs and be like, and then you'll get to here. Look, all the shit we figured out as stoners that these soberies, that's my slur for sober people that these so-sos never thought about, like whether or not my red is your blue, right? You're going to spring that on your kid and your friends for the, and his friends.

0:17:24 Tom: Soberies. So -so's. All right.

0:17:25 Thomas: Sobering no-cos. Wow. There is a no -co overlap there. Arlo's like, my red is my green, I guess. Not blue, but. But oh

0:17:39 Eli: About, do you remember the first times someone gave you a buffalo wing while you were high on drugs, bud? I do, because it was the best moment of my entire life. You get to create that for your kids. And these so -sos, they're not going to get to do that. I think Thomas is going to drive in his minivan down to the dispensary and be like, all right, kiddos, it's time for some marriage of one.

0:17:48 Thomas: Man,

0:18:02 Eli: No, fuck now.

0:18:00 Thomas: That is a good point. Lydia made about the old ball chop. And she's like, if we had one more, there's say goodbye to a actual car. I was like, that's a good thing. That's a good point, yeah. I would have a minivan in this situation.

0:18:10 Eli: True it's a good point yeah so that's my advice when it comes to drugs it's gonna it's gonna lose a lot of them you're going to realize you're a drug addict which is a kind of a bummer time uh then the drugs are awesome all the time and you're cool you're the knowledgeable drug person these are rules I

0:18:24 Tom: Well, that was fucking 20 minutes of unhinged monologue.

0:18:31 Thomas: And you wake up one day and you're shitting on your floor, telling it to a podcast.

0:18:37 Tom: Fucking hell. Was thinking about this when you were talking, though. Did the same rules apply?

0:18:41 Eli: Was thinking about anything other than what you were saying

0:18:43 Tom: Spacing out.

0:18:44 Thomas: I was still thinking about the shitting I'll be honest how

0:18:46 Tom: Ever think about now. It's just how do you not notice you shit, you ricochet shit out of your own toilet bowl?

0:18:49 Eli: Don't know.

0:18:51 Thomas: Hold on mathematically there has to be shit on your person there has be shit On your clothing right there's no probably

0:18:56 Tom: 100%. You're coated in shit. There's no way you shit so hard.

0:18:59 Eli: My bottom half is drenched. I must look like a satyr right now. There's no fucking shot.

0:19:06 Tom: A functioning sense of smell?

0:19:09 Eli: Couldn't tell you, Tom. Couldn'T tell you.

0:19:10 Thomas: Not the way they live the way he lives there's I don't think so

0:19:13 Eli: Obviously not. A couple of drawers.

0:19:15 Tom: Absolutely not. The to apply around drinking, too, right? Like, I mean, like inebriation in general. Right. Has to be essentially because like when we were thinking about doing this topic, what occurred to me is like you've got to as a parent, I think, especially with kids that are small and your responsibility level is high. You've got a schedule inebriation. Any kind of inebrian has to be planned and scheduled so that somebody else is going to be responsible that day or you don't get to do it.

0:19:45 Tom: That's that's just 100 percent the case, because like. If you're the one who they're going to knock on your door at 1230 at night because they've got a stomach ache, you can't be like, well, it's 930 and I got fucked up when they went to bed. You That's just can't do it like you can do it.

0:19:59 Thomas: Can I say something can I Say something I don't know that you should ever be doing anything that would mean you couldn't handle your kid waking up and being like did the lawnmower say a lot like enjoy a glass of wine or two I could have way more than that and if my kid woke up and was like do lawnmowers come to life I'd be like oh kiddo no they don't back to bed that's not a hard interaction to have so I guess if it renders you incapable of doing that I'd worry about what you're doing is all I'm saying

0:20:26 Eli: Might be capable, but you need someone who's going to go, Hey, just so you know, you're not capable right now. Right. No soloing. Right? Even if I'm like, cause like I've managed whole lifetimes. Hi, I managed an entire college education. Hi. And I ended up with a BFA. So like, I feel like I could do some stuff, but I need someone responsible who can go, hey, just to, you know you're

0:20:51 Tom: Yeah, because when when you were getting your bit, like if you were wrong, nobody else was impacted. Right? Yeah.

0:20:56 Eli: Nobody had permanent trauma.

0:20:58 Tom: Right, just, you know, it was just like, why had a weird day and I'm responsible for it. Like, yeah, right.

0:21:03 Thomas: Just want people to be aware that sometimes you're like my dad where the times he was probably drunk were better so it's like not it's you know

0:21:10 Eli: That's true. Yeah if you're as shitty as Thomas' dad.

0:21:12 Thomas: If you're an asshole until you have a few drinks and then those are the couple times you ever loosened up enough to like have a human interaction with me oh my god my dad was like fucking what's his name from breaking bad or that episode where he's like all drugged up and then the kid is like that was like the best day we ever had together or whatever the best interaction because he's actually like honest and vulnerable for a moment yeah I was like fuck that's my dad now that I think about it it only happened like once though

0:21:30 Tom: He was actually like a decent person. Yeah. So when we were talking about maybe doing this topic, it to me, too, that this also begs the question of just storing dangerous shit. If you want to take the idea of, yeah, can you store drugs in your house?

0:21:50 Thomas: In the toilet eli it goes in to the toilet the dangerous shits god

0:21:53 Tom: And I guess this also would go for if you wanted to have a gun in the house, for example. Like because I I do actually think is like we've made this we've talked about this on the show I do believe that you can store a gun on your property safely I think you have to be a fucking crazy person to do it so like other words like I used to have guns in my house I don't anymore they're it's they're house now um when I had guns in the house the

0:22:18 Eli: He took him from me.

0:22:20 Thomas: In the hands of those cats you trust those fucking cats with those guns all right in

0:22:23 Tom: Will be fine with them the cats

0:22:24 Eli: They just he comes downstairs and they're doing doing this scene from deer hunter. Two bullets, two bullets.

0:22:31 Tom: Like I had my guns in a safe and the safe, I insisted on having a combination safe only. Right. So no keyed safe. So you can't find the key. Right? So it's a combination only safe. And then the guns had, no, well, this is, you're going to think I'm crazy, but like, yeah, you

0:22:35 Thomas: Another safe and

0:22:42 Eli: Combination was one, two, three, four. Yeah.

0:22:44 Thomas: And then it was like hogwarts where there's a series of defenses to get into the fence and one of them was one of tom's exes and he had to be able to see his ex

0:22:52 Tom: Have to swallow the key and shit it out every morning. It's a no,

0:22:55 Eli: Be nice to have it on the floor in that situation. How the tables have turned.

0:23:00 Thomas: It all turns around it all comes around wow

0:23:01 Tom: Turned.

0:23:03 Eli: Catch it in my hand like the superhero I am.

0:23:06 Tom: All the guns themselves had had trigger locks on them. They chain locks or rather like a cable lock through the gun themselves. And those are keyed. And then the keys for that actually go in a smaller document safe.

0:23:19 Tom: I And felt very comfortable with that plan. You have break into a safe to get a key, then break into another safe, and then you've got a gun that has no ammunition. If you want it that bad, you're stealing it from somebody else's house that's less Fort Knox -y than me, right?

0:23:35 Eli: Here's the thing. When you mention that to people, people are like, but then I can't use the guns for self -defense.

0:23:40 Tom: That's not what they're for.

0:23:41 Eli: Good news. You weren't going to do that anyways. You were going to shoot your child and your dog statistically. That's what you were going

0:23:49 Tom: That's 100%. And I do wonder, do you need to treat... drugs and paraphernalia in a similar way. Like should they be locked up, right? I mean, that shit should be in a safe once your kids are old enough, right. I mean would you agree with that?

0:24:01 Eli: Well, have recently passed that threshold because the other day, so I have a shelf. Those of you who've been in my house, I don't know why I said that. Like there have been podcast listeners for the podcast listeners who take the yearly drug tour of my house. But no, I have shelf that has, has my like pipes and bongs and stuff on it.

0:24:13 Thomas: I don't have a shelf he has a shelf holy shit you can tell because it's the one cabinet that's not open and he'll

0:24:28 Eli: Right. And up, up to this point.

0:24:31 Tom: They'll never figure it out.

0:24:32 Thomas: Never

0:24:33 Eli: They'll never know. And like, I'm going to say a month ago, they were just out. Right drugs hidden right their special hiding spot but the pipes and the stuff were just out the other day three weeks ago four weeks ago max like grabs a pipe off the shelf and he's like what's this and I was like it's fucking gone is what it is right because the minute your kid like because look here's the thing he can't hurt himself on the pipe it's a wooden pipe right it was fine but the minute

0:24:33 Thomas: Know I'll never tell yeah yeah

0:25:04 Eli: It's got to go away forever and it's got to be locked up now there's a way that if he gets to it baby geniuses I win right like I'm already I'm in if he get if he gets to any of the things here's what I'll also say and these fucking So -sos won't say it If you have drugs that aren't weed You shouldn't Have them in your house Shrooms I'm not counting shrooms Shrooms and weed you want to have them in Your house you know I'm on your house If the police come to your House And there are drugs that aren't weed in your house. You get in a lot of trouble. And can't afford...

0:25:44 Thomas: They came to just investigate the shit and then they're like wait a minute you

0:25:46 Eli: Well, your kid falls down the stairs, or you get chest pains. There's lots of reasons why a cop might be in your home.

0:25:53 Thomas: Shit all over the floor and you don't know why you need a detective you're

0:25:54 Eli: You shed all over the floor, your wife calls the police.

0:25:56 Tom: Gets curious about the one cabinet with its door closed and pokes his head in. Right.

0:26:00 Eli: Here's the thing. The of... not weed drugs, being found in your house, right? High, right, the benefits. And also... Don't come on. You don't need that shit in your house. That's not good. Hey, druggies, come on in. Don't listen to these so -sos over here. You know why you keep it in your House. You keep it In your house because sometimes you want to do it at home and you shouldn't be doing any of those drugs that aren't weed or mushrooms in your keep them in your house also here's the thing like if max fucking gains tom cruise powers and he goes down into the power room and shuts off the thing makes it into the place where I keep my weed right gonna be like leaves he's going to find a bunch of leaves in brightly colored dispensary containers but like other drugs that's poison right put deadly poison in his body if he doesn't know what to do with the other drugs that are in my house. So that's why I'm saying don't keep those drugs in your house.

0:27:08 Tom: I feel like genuinely shit should be locked up like in a safe. And that's kind of it. Like really do feel like as a as an adult person. You should own a safe like you should have a -keyed safe they're not that expensive

0:27:24 Thomas: Gonna tell me I should have like a will and like fucking this guy asshole doesn't

0:27:26 Tom: But like yeah have a safe in your house and put the shit that you want to keep I don't know safe in there that's what those things are for they're that expensive if you can afford drugs to play with but honestly like I funny when I was growing up in the 90s how cavalier everybody was around drinking around their kids and how still cavalier people are about being drunk around their children. It's like a normal thing. At least it was for me. It was normal to be growing up and that's

0:27:35 Thomas: Make any sense. There's a lot that was normal for you, Tom.

0:28:00 Tom: Probably not the right standard. But

0:28:01 Eli: The snapping turtles had a few too many peers.

0:28:05 Thomas: The snap journal was always stone cold sober though. He's like looking disapprovingly at Tom's mom. Like, come on, be in the, be present, be present.

0:28:12 Tom: I don't know if you guys had the same experience, but like did you like there'd be like a party and people would be fucking drunk at a party. And that would be like family party or family get together.

0:28:20 Thomas: I wasn't allowed to go anywhere. So I didn't, not me, but yes, I think I did when I finally was allowed to do something. I was like, I don't know, 18, 17, 16. I did had witnessed that situation. I was like, this is weird. I also witnessed the parents letting the kids have beers. I'm like, This is can't be right.

0:28:36 Eli: Oh, it's the best.

0:28:37 Thomas: Something's wrong here.

0:28:39 Tom: I Yeah, feel like we're a little more, like, and by a little, I mean, like dramatically so. Like, we're pretty cavalier with that. Like really no reason to treat drinking differently than we would treat any other inebriation, right? No body of evidence that says drinking is not in most cases worse, actually, than many of the other ways that we choose to become inebried. It's just that socially we treat it differently. So like whatever your household standard is around. Showing yourself being fucked up to your kids should be the same standard around being drunk around your kids. If who's like, yeah, I think it's fine to be a little high around your kid, I disagree with you. That's fine. But it really should have the same stand around being drunken around the kids. It's kind of weird, though, that that's in a social middle space. Because I'm not sure that that's really like good justifiable messaging that you can defend with your kids where if you're like yeah I mean like I know you're 13 I don't want you drinking but like I was drunk at the fourth of july party we had last week like that's a weird space to try to like pretend makes sense for you

0:29:44 Thomas: Yeah, I don't I don'T think we really we don't aren't even able to drink much anymore. Because apart from, you know, we might have a glass or two of wine late after the kids are gone. But our version of the safe, you You know, kid picking up the thing is actually they burst into our room in the morning and there'd be, you know, maybe like a toy of a certain kind that's around. And you're like, oh, fuck. Remember to get rid of all that.

0:30:10 Eli: Got to lock it up.

0:30:11 Thomas: Jesus Christ. I forgot how early they get up and just.

0:30:14 Eli: You guys got lightsabers? Awesome. Dad, why are you hanging from your back skin from the ceiling? Aw, damn! Here's the thing, Arlo. Daddy's never caught...

0:30:28 Thomas: That was a bad horse again.

0:30:29 Eli: You You don't know how Daddy shits so hard sometimes it reflects off the toilet. That's how hard I cum when there's nine seven -inch hooks through my back. And I'll just tell you that straight. Anyways, enjoy kindergarten, kiddo. Be good. Mwah, Daddy. Well, I can't reach you from up here, but I love you. You know daddy loves you.

0:30:44 Thomas: Get a stepladder so I can hug you son all right

0:30:54 Eli: Mind the boner, mind the boners. More thing, but this is important because I made this mistake and I luckily had very nice friends. You decide to have paraphernalia out on the shelves and stuff that's not dangerous, like pipes and stuff, ask the parents that you're about to have a play date with if you would like that stuff put away. So that they don't have to be like, hey, do you mind putting the bong somewhere that isn't like around the kid? Right. All this stuff.

0:31:26 Thomas: You're like I can't I'm hanging from these hooks how do you expect me to do that right now come on think think yeah

0:31:30 Eli: Yeah. Hide the hooks. Yeah right.

0:31:32 Tom: People don't want that. Yeah, right. Yeah. That's a good assumption.

0:31:35 Eli: They'll tell you if they want it.

0:31:37 Tom: Right. So let's do another quick listener email. So an email from Raven. Raven is saying, I have my first kid on the way and started listening to Dear Old Dads. I've been a longtime fan of several of your shows. You guys have shown me a ton of great perspectives and ideas. That being said, I feel like you three are the only men that can give me the sane, not blatantly misogynistic help I need with something I'm struggling with a bit. I'm concerned I've created an environment where I've trapped my wife without intending to. How do I navigate this and ensure she has options or whatever she needs should she ever feel unsafe? And how do I tell her she has that available? And is it my job to set up these safety nets, or do I need to encourage her to create her own so they're safe and reliable to her and from her without any connection to me? So here's the back story, and I'm truncating this a little bit because it's a longer email. Person is a blue -collar worker, very privileged as they can be, they say, makes good money. They're just married

0:32:26 Tom: Recently.

0:32:26 Eli: Not if you're a blue

0:32:27 Tom: Wife is 20.

0:32:27 Eli: Collar worker. You're not as privileged as you can be. I'm a podcaster, man. Fucking own up.

0:32:33 Thomas: Check your privilege.

0:32:35 Eli: Yeah exactly. Check your lack of privilege.

0:32:38 Tom: Doesn't want to speak for her, but he says, you know, his wife has some mental health issues and her family's incredibly abusive and they've been no contact for pretty much the whole relationship. They've been together for about two years. They love each other very much. They hang out. They play D &D. So they've got a good relationship. All of this is to enforce his claim to say that they've had a great, healthy, and above all, awesome relationship.

0:32:50 Thomas: It's my seal of approval.

0:33:05 Tom: Her parents and her were fighting. God, has no job, but he has always made more than enough money to take care of both of them well into abundance. She and my family adore each other, and she's as inseparable from them as I am. While none of this is problem for me, she is wholly, and this is the crux of the question, she has wholly dependent on me for finances and family and probably other ways I'm not aware of. I don't know if that's healthy or not, regardless of my ability to sustain it. While things are fantastic between us, and I hope that they always will be, I don' feel that the environment I've accidentally created would even be a safe space to feel those feelings without an inherent fear, let alone actually saying anything or doing anything. I do my absolute best to be supportive and create a safe and loving environment. I have no idea if that is enough. So yeah, this might an extreme version of something which is fairly common where there is one primary breadwinner or sole breadwinNER in a family. And I think it's really worth talking about the dynamic that that creates and what you have to do, I think, in order to try to make that space, I don't know, have as many options as possible for

0:34:11 Tom: The other partner.

0:34:12 Eli: Yeah Because And look, this dear old dads, right? We're talking about things that dads go through. And a lot of dads are in this position. And make the right decisions and give their partner that independence. And part of that, you've already done it, listener, which is. You've understood the situation. You've the dynamic. And so it's about the choices you make now to lateralize that power structure and enable your partner to speak up and have advocacy and feel empowered in that moment. Because you can't change that dynamic, right? You're not going to make her go get a job at the fashion bug so that she can divorce you if she wants to, right. That's not how most family dynamics work. And I don't think that's a healthy solution to the problem.

0:34:57 Eli: Right. Solution is figuring out how you can balance those dynamics. And Tom, I know you had some thoughts on this.

0:35:02 Tom: There's two elements here that I think are both important. And I think they're really, really challenging. And the first is the financial element. Right. So that's a that's fairly common. But then also common is a scenario where. You person doesn't have the support system or relies on somebody else for the bulk of their emotional or familial support system. And that can that be a situation that occurs for a variety of reasons, you know, health reasons or, you And that isn't inherently as speaking from experience, like that's an incredibly vulnerable and risky thing to do because like back home where she was at, she has friends, she And then she's uprooted. She comes here. She's got kind of nothing. And that is a scenario that, unless it's really handled well, can be ripe for all different kinds of financial abuse and control and manipulations of all types. And lot of the real practical solutions are really fucking privileged solutions. So the best thing to do would be to create a bank account in her name without you on it. That has get the fuck out money in it and that's an easy thing to say but a lot of people don't have that kind of money right so a get the fucking out account is a great thing to do if you can set it up you know you put enough money in there so that somebody else can reasonably leave you and I I will say that like if you're willing to do that if you

0:36:40 Tom: That builds an enormous amount of trust. That builds an enormous amount because you're saying like, yeah, You don't think so?

0:36:44 Thomas: I don't, does it? I don't. It a weird thing.

0:36:51 Eli: It's tough to do that explicitly. I have implicitly done that because obviously like Anna and I keep our finances separate. Has one of my credit cards, which she can use to spend on anything because she makes significantly less income than I do. That's her main spending card.

0:37:05 Thomas: You are not even allowed to have your credit cards.

0:37:07 Eli: I'm, I'm not, but like when don't touch her money, I have access to her money. So when she earns money, that's hers. And Right. That comes from like writing songs on our shows or doing various work that she does or gigging or any of that stuff. That's her money and while we've never been like, and by the way, that in case I ever turned into an asshole and you need to be free, like, like that is a part of it. Right. It is also it is that little security for the person that you care about is to give and not expect in return.

0:37:37 Tom: Is your reticence about the trust building, Thomas? I'm curious.

0:37:41 Thomas: I mean, I am not saying affirm.

0:37:41 Eli: Because Lydia would be out tomorrow.

0:37:44 Thomas: No, I'm not saying affirm.

0:37:44 Eli: Let me tell you. She

0:37:45 Thomas: No, I was just saying

0:37:46 Eli: Says every morning she wakes him up. She's like, I would divorce you if I had the money.

0:37:50 Thomas: It's a weird interaction to be like, hey, in case you ever want this marriage to end. I don't know. It was just like an interesting interaction to have. I don't know.

0:37:58 Eli: God, you haven't talked about that.

0:38:00 Thomas: Well, I don' dude, come on. Like if there if there's not going to live in a world or in a marriage where my wife thinks she needs to be worried about divorce. I'll give her all the money and go kill myself. So that's, I don't care. Like it's like, we don't need to have the conversation.

0:38:01 Eli: I have that conversation all the time. That's OK. But that's the conversation we have.

0:38:12 Tom: But that's the conversation you got to have.

0:38:15 Eli: That's the I say that.

0:38:15 Thomas: Like, here's the conversation and you have all the money. I don'T fucking care what money I'm

0:38:19 Eli: But you gotta have that you got to be like cuz I hate me So much that I would say once every four months I turn to Anna and I'm like hey if you're fucking I shat on the floor if you want and who could blame her The day Anna is like hey you suck. I'm yeah good for you girl It's like the end of enough where she sweeps and kicks him off the thing.

0:38:31 Thomas: Practically dead anyway. Yeah. Yeah, I'm going to be like

0:38:42 Eli: I hope she does that I

0:38:42 Thomas: Her empowering friend. Who's like you. Yes, you deserve better. I want to be there with With you every step of the way.

0:38:48 Eli: I hope you're gonna hear me roar plays in the background, right? But if you're not willing to have that, and look, every time we have that and it's like, no, I love you so much. I'm so happy. You're so great. She heard the poop pants husband thing the other day where I was like, I can't buy gifts because my sneakers are busy pooping on the floor. And she was like she did that thing. And it's God, I've loved my wife so much she's so good to me. I so don't deserve her. She came in and she was, like, hey, I don't mind that you don't buy me presents. And I was, Who needs presents? I actually think it's cool. I had to buy my own fucking, gave me a little sticker that said very good on it.

0:38:59 Thomas: She lies. I get it. Yeah. Well, if shitting on the floor is cool, then I'm. No, that's

0:39:31 Eli: And then I'm Elvis Presley because we both shat on the floor.

0:39:31 Thomas: A weird reference. Yeah.

0:39:38 Eli: Be afraid to have the conversation. That is not something that's going to make your partner feel less secure. It's going make them feel more secure.

0:39:46 Tom: Yeah, 100%. That's what I was meaning to say. If you're are the ways I will make it possible for you to leave. I know it's a weird thing to say but if you're in a scenario and maybe, Thomas, just because you and Lydia both work and both make money and both have plenty of options and opportunity but being a situation where that's not the case.

0:40:00 Eli: Well, that's what I was going to ask. Yeah.

0:40:03 Thomas: I don't know. It's almost it's almost the opposite because like everything used to be entirely my business. So everything was in my name and my control. And now it's not. But it's like, yeah, she

0:40:12 Tom: But Lydia had a job at the state before.

0:40:14 Eli: Guys. Okay, look. I don't want to trigger anybody, but it'd be pretty funny if Lydia stole the podcast.

0:40:14 Thomas: Did. They stole it. Yeah. Well, the other thing is California, like I think I mean, legally, there'S there's a whole LOT of rules around all this stuff. And yeah, it'S like they can use your money to hire the attorney. And I say your money. It'S not, you KNOW, they can USE the whatever, like if it'S a husband who gets the paycheck, like there'S A LOT of RULES around that that are, you helpful you know, in that way. I I was going to suggest rather than, you having, money uh, in an account, not doing anything, which is a terrible financial decision.

0:40:25 Eli: Divorce and the alimony and the... Fucking

0:40:43 Tom: Doesn't have to be a checking account. You could put it.

0:40:45 Thomas: That's true. You can have it invested.

0:40:46 Eli: Jew?

0:40:46 Thomas: Have it invested in our great stock market, our fantastic stock market right now.

0:40:51 Eli: A four and a half percent return? I'd rather be divorced! Why don't you just fuck another man off my chest?

0:40:57 Thomas: But I wonder I wonder if some sort of, yeah, is there like the sense that like a prenup or an intranup, something where it's like an agreement rather that's like, you that give the same force or no?

0:41:02 Tom: Well, It does. And I think here's the problem with that kind of stuff, is in order to engage the system meaningfully, you have to go and get an attorney who's going to want to deposit. You've got to sort of give clues to the other person, right? And of that stuff might be legally true, but to gain access to it can be time consuming and expensive.

0:41:31 Thomas: That's 100 % true. They should have access to money. I will say that. Like Lydia has access to Money.

0:41:38 Tom: But access, you can't shut off is what I'm trying to say. And in a scenario where you're trying to create confidence and certainty, it has to be access to money. You can't turn off. Haley has all my credit cards, but I can pick up the phone in an hour. She has none of my credit

0:41:55 Thomas: Lydia knows I'd have to remember like how to do that and which ones.

0:42:00 Eli: She's just ringing up diamond rings and you're like, ah, come on, babes. Ah, won't you stop, please? Please don't

0:42:05 Thomas: Wait, didn't I? I thought I did turn that off. God damn it. Oh, no.

0:42:06 Eli: Make me call American Express. It's 1

0:42:08 Thomas: That's when I just confirmed my.

0:42:09 Eli: -800 -111. Ah. There it is.

0:42:12 Thomas: They sent me to the main line. I was like, I thought I was supposed to be here to.

0:42:14 Eli: I told Kaiser they could cut off my balls again to get you to stop. I don't know what's happening. Oh, God.

0:42:20 Tom: The last piece I want to address, too, is the is is -financial pieces like the family support, those kind of things, because that's another big deal thing that like people may struggle with. Again, if people have like moved across the country, they're plugging into your social network or there's medical issues or whatever. There's really nothing you can do for that except. To actively work to help foster their relationships like and and more so than you would otherwise so if you see that somebody has some level of like personal social or familial isolation rather than being like well just plug in all of my friends and that's good enough right and yet create opportunity encourage you whatever you can I'll watch the kids while you go hang out with your friends like go go spend time over here you've got to do that work as a priority for you, right? Don't wait for them to come to you and ask for like, hey, you know, like, no, 100 % create opportunities, encourage them, take that on yourself, let them build a social network, and then you don't plug into that social network.

0:43:07 Thomas: One hundred percent. One hundred percent.

0:43:24 Eli: Yeah, And you have to prioritize the parts of their life that aren't connected to you, even when it's inconvenient, right?

0:43:30 Tom: Yes.

0:43:30 Eli: So like, I've talked about this. Anna's a folk musician. She plays folk music. She goes into the city. She jams. She gigs, right. That's not a significant part of our family's income, but it's given very, very, high priority because it's important to Anna. And sometimes it means we got to get a sitter. Sometimes it means I don't get to do something that I like to do. There where I want to go in and see friends or do things, but Anna's got a really amazing music opportunity. That's important. And if you're the... breadwinner, there is a lot of baggage and a lot to wait on. Well, I worked all day and I know you would never say that, right? But there's a lot assumed, well, I'll work all day. So my thing, my rest is more important than your rest. It's not. You got to make that space. You gotta make that time. So that person has that independence, has that freedom.

0:44:19 Thomas: Definitely. We actually made efforts along these lines and it it did pay off because it's it's hard when you're trapped in these patterns um it let me tell you it's it's uh it's a good idea I think that's all really good advice like having friends that are independent of yours and like you know and now I don't I don'T need or have friends so that's fine I DON'T need any but

0:44:37 Eli: No, you don't want any fucking friends. Now.

0:44:38 Thomas: But lydia's like I should have at least one friend I was like yeah I can't help you I don't know how you do that uh she looked up online how to have a friend and now she does so So it's good.

0:44:46 Eli: Now, Thomas, here's my question for you, because you and Lydia were in a specific scenario that I've been curious about. Right. Is the hooks. Yeah, it's mostly the hooks and how you stay hard for that long because you're fucking at night in the morning.

0:44:51 Thomas: The hooks. Yeah. The hook's at the blood. So gravity leads the

0:44:58 Eli: The gravity does a lot of work on the blood.

0:44:59 Thomas: Blood down. Mm hmm.

0:45:01 Eli: No. So my question is, because Lydia had a grown up job and she was good at it. Right. She was like really good at it. And they were like, Oh my gosh, Lydia, you're such a good mayor. I think she was the mayor of a, of a town.

0:45:12 Thomas: I think so. Yeah yeah

0:45:13 Eli: Right. Then you, were like no podcasting now, which transferred it to the family business. Oh, Smith podcasting. How did you guys navigate? I mean, you guys have a really healthy relationship, but like that you're a thoughtful person. You're an incredibly thoughtful partner. I've seen that from you. How

0:45:33 Thomas: That's exactly in the first part of it was the reason she was at the state for so much longer than she probably should have been was because I never wanted to take that away from her. I never wanted her to not have that opportunity to feel validated because you're not going to reproduce that at home. Let's be real. We try. I try make sure that I tell her every time she's doing work that is really valuable, but it's just not the same. You know, you need that. People need that external validation. I think that's totally healthy. And I was worried about it for a long time, but as a result, she stayed in a job she was not happy in for probably too long because that was like my worry. And she, she also has the weirdest things about money. She does not understand it. Yeah. Yeah, she's like Eli, I think, but in a different way like she she

0:46:18 Eli: Math. Shits. She sits on the ceiling.

0:46:22 Thomas: She shits money onto the ceiling no and and so she didn't understand like but

0:46:28 Eli: Thomas, I did it again. I shat on the ceilin.

0:46:31 Tom: Dripping on her head she doesn't notice

0:46:32 Thomas: Eventually when she was talking about you know when eventually I think when we broached it and she was like okay clearly she's unhappy she's not being treated well at work and and I that made me really upset because and it was because she had like changed and taken some promotions and like she had a job where she was very valued and it Was you know it was a much much more positive thing. And then she got some promotions. She was, she was pretty high up. She was, like I said, mayor by the time, uh, you know, and then her mayor supervisor, I don't know, senior mayor.

0:46:55 Eli: She was the mayor. The president. President Barack Obama.

0:47:02 Tom: Yeah that's that's how I remember it yeah

0:47:05 Thomas: Uh, yeah, it just was a bad place. So, but what's funny is like, eventually I had

0:47:08 Eli: Lydia, you're shitting all over your office. It's not okay.

0:47:11 Thomas: To tell her like, yeah. That the equivalent of what we would need to make that work. And it was very doable and it was, and she, I think she didn't realize. And so, yeah there was a lot of hesitation there. It it is is a tough thing. It And was sort of born of necessity because I was having a mental breakdown, having to try to work as much as I was to pay for the lawsuit, which was still happening.

0:47:31 Tom: Jesus

0:47:31 Eli: Well, did you have a lawsuit?

0:47:33 Thomas: Yeah. Yeah.

0:47:34 Eli: What happened? When did this happen? Guess Thomas will tell us about that someday. Gentlemen, before we go, what do the White House and my penis have in common? Musk has made them unbearable.

0:47:35 Thomas: Oh,

0:47:54 Tom: Christ oh my

0:47:56 Thomas: Nice.

0:48:03 Clip: Want to meet sexy DILFs in your area? Email the dads at DearOldDads .com or, better yet, send us a message on Patreon. You can follow us on all social media by checking the links in the show notes. And if you need more podcasts in your life, you can find Tom on Cognitive Dissonance, Thomas on Serious Inquiries Only, and Eli on Godawful Movies and all the Puzzle in the Thunderstorm shows. Dear Old Dads is edited and produced by my favorite DILf, tom smith who also wrote and recorded the intro music which is used with his permission this podcast is a production of Daddy Issues LLC copyright 2022 all rights reserved

0:48:46 Eli: I'm Willy Wonka, and I'm here to tell you a poop story! Me for a poop. This isn't even the most embarrassing shit story I have.

0:48:59 Thomas: Tom, Tom, find the email, for the love of God.

0:49:01 Tom: Jesus Christ.

0:49:01 Eli: I'm going to tell the story. My sneakers are busy pooping on the floor. Four and a half percent return? I'd rather be divorced! I mean, I need poopster to