DOD189: Pushing for a Push Present

Transcript

This transcript was generated automatically and may contain errors — the audio is the record.

0:00:02 Clip: I'm the cool dad. That's my thing. I know now what I can offer you that no one else can. Complete and honor dependent. I'm a man. I'm sensitive. I need to feel loved. I need to be desired.

0:00:22 Clip: Telling is the only part of being a father that I enjoy.

0:00:28 Tom: Welcome to Dear Old Dads, the podcast that's pushing for better things. I'm Tom Curry. I'm joined, as always, by Thomas Smith and Eli Bosnick. Hello, gentlemen. Nobody knows what this is.

0:00:39 Thomas: It going what oh I'm excited though what's happening I'm pumped well

0:00:46 Tom: What's the big

0:00:46 Eli: I was listening to our show the other day and I realized that I often say hello at the beginning and I was like, I gotta mix it up. And so I realized what I'm gonna do is I'm going to do exactly three and a half seconds of my one -man stomp the end of the show. At the beginning of random shows.

0:00:47 Tom: Finish? Yeah,

0:01:04 Thomas: Be fair we've got a lot of requests for your song from the other day about I like

0:01:09 Tom: Your sleepover qualification song.

0:01:10 Eli: Anna has offered to make a techno remix of it, so we'll see.

0:01:15 Thomas: The freestyle version I'd like another verse or two you know that's what I'm thinking so yeah

0:01:19 Eli: Get them ready. Gotta get them ready, gotta earn it, they gotta earn it, maybe with the patrons, patron bonus this month will just be a fully orchestrated, you know when they do that thing where they like take video game music and they get like the New York Philharmonic, we'll do that.

0:01:29 Thomas: Mine and arlo's dream no

0:01:32 Tom: We start the showshow which is gonna be a an am I the asshole which I think is a crazy one um tell you guys on air because I told you off the side that about this community I found on facebook called dads helping dads I've never found a facebook group that 115 000 men And only men allowed to join that was so weirdly non -toxic that I'm still like I'm having I'm actually so blown away by this that I'M HAVING A DIFFICULT TIME PROCESSING THE FUCKING Narnia cabinet level of decency that seems to be present in this group.

0:02:05 Thomas: He won't stop talking about it he's like

0:02:07 Tom: I really won't look the guys I'm going to tell the listeners about it because I actually think it's good I think it is genuinely good and also if you joined it and promoted the show on it organically that wouldn't hurt us but like

0:02:07 Thomas: This is amazing

0:02:20 Eli: I thought you were gonna say, and nobody can ruin a group faster than you, but like, get in there!

0:02:25 Tom: You know saying if a bunch of people showed up and organically promoted the shows in front of 115 ,000 people I wouldn't feel sad about that but it is also weirdly a decent space you know about about sex and about like child support and alimony like questions that in every other online space you've ever seen devolve almost immediately into some of the most hateful misogynist shit and it's like it's fairly decent and good advice and like dudes being like hey brother dm me if you need me I'll be here for you like really decent space that I don't know know what to think about but really wanted to say like I'm incredibly encouraged to see exists because like we talk on this show about all the places that exist that are the opposite of that you know and like the manosphere spaces so I'm just kind of blown away at finding one that that is not horrible

0:03:19 Eli: Now what do we think is the case here do we think this is a cult that Tom doesn't realize sacrifice a goat every Sunday and that's why he's missing too many people from the cult or is someone stolen my idea which is everyone but you is an AI the Facebook group have I told you guys this idea so this is my this idea it's based on a short story so I stole it um

0:03:27 Thomas: Too many people for a cult I don'T think you could do that oh that's an interesting idea yeah

0:03:39 Tom: This is soon just going to be facebook though because they are flooding it with With bots, yeah, right.

0:03:45 Thomas: It's already what it is

0:03:45 Eli: Which Which is, you create a Facebook group that attracts shitbirds, right? True comic fans, or like, unapologetic questions about feminism. And then, you created an API and 800 fake Facebook accounts, right.

0:04:04 Thomas: It's like a jail you're putting them in.

0:04:08 Tom: They just argue with nobody?

0:04:10 Eli: So they're just arguing with computer, right, they're seeing themselves be outnumbered over and over and over again. And the instructions are just like, you're a douchebag who happens to be right about this stuff. So that's exactly what I'm talking about.

0:04:23 Thomas: Eli, what you're describing is just doing the inverse of what's currently happening, which is a nice person goes

0:04:29 Eli: Yes, we are the Russian bots.

0:04:29 Thomas: To YouTube. Yes.

0:04:31 Eli: We are the Russian bots is what I am saying. We need to start being the Russian Bots is my idea.

0:04:37 Eli: And I think that Tom saw the test pilot. Yeah, you should read the short story. It's based on, I don't remember what it's called, but actually in

0:04:37 Tom: I love this. That's

0:04:43 Thomas: So Again, it's just based on YouTube, but reverse. That's all it's based on. Oh

0:04:46 Eli: The the short story this person uses an ai to convince ceos to kill themselves like it harasses ceos but then when she's digging into the ceos who have killed themselves she realizes that like all these lonely people on the internet like part of these communities that were supportive to them and like were there for them when they were in their darkest moments and it turns out that was all this rogue ai too um then at the end the rogue ai is like I'm gonna will fix you boo and then it zoops away like scarlett johansson

0:04:47 Tom: A bunch of what?

0:04:54 Thomas: Sweet. What?

0:05:17 Tom: Well, I tried to Google what you were just talking about, and I instead found stories of AI chatbots convincing actual people to kill themselves. And now I feel sad because this isn't a delightful short story eli this is not a delightful short story fuck

0:05:21 Eli: Teenagers to kill themselves yeah I Let me see if I can find it I'll find it okay it's murder by pixel by sl huang uh and it rules you should all check it out it's free on on the internet um kids they killed themselves because the ai

0:05:42 Thomas: I don't want to talk about that.

0:05:44 Eli: Okay never mind then I'll fuck myself

0:05:46 Thomas: Sorry. If you have a good joke. It's too much of a bummer, dude. I don' t know.

0:05:49 Eli: Right yeah no I mean you don't know maybe it was funny maybe it but hey do you know the only thing worse than that parent living forever with the fact that your kid killed himself in order to impress Daenerys Targaryen. Why? It's the auto ads. The auto ads, the murdering your podcast experience, the way a nameless, faceless AI company murdered your kid in an attempt to sell some ads.

0:06:02 Thomas: I'm cutting it.

0:06:02 Tom: Jesus christ god

0:06:11 Thomas: Dude, I though we were cool, you and I. I thought we understood that we're both depressed. Why?

0:06:18 Eli: Good. I'm doing it fun. I'm keeping it fun and light and chill anyways you can listen to the rest of me and thomas's tearful fight over at patreon .com forward slash dear old dads where first little is a dollar you get a commercial free version of every single episode plus bonus episodes hey hey non -patriots we just recorded a bonus ama and it is hot and fresh off the presses we got those questions in the merry merry month of august so it is relevant it is aware we got some cool we got Some cool shit in there and you can check it all out over at patreon .com forward slash dear

0:06:22 Thomas: Not fun. Fun version of this oh yeah that was a

0:06:57 Eli: Old dads as denarius told that teenager rip into it that's

0:06:57 Thomas: Good one how

0:07:02 Tom: My God, Jesus Christ. All

0:07:04 Thomas: Am I gonna cut around all of that you asshole I

0:07:05 Eli: For lydia there the lydia cut keeps it all the lydia cut keeps it off she's my felini

0:07:11 Tom: My God All right, an am I the asshole? We're skipping the many, many self -justification edits to this and going with the original original post year old male about his 34 year old female. I'll get to the edits after the post the original. Wife is pregnant Pregnant with our third child. The other day, she asked what I'd buy her when she comes home from the hospital. And I was caught off guard and I said, nothing. Since then, she's been giving me the silent treatment. Context, we've been together for 17 years. We've been married for nine and have two great kids, seven and four. We faced a lot together. Family losses, pregnancy loss, a big move to another country and back, another move across the country and a chronic diagnosis for one of our kids.

0:07:21 Thomas: Want to hear some of this stuff just what context does person this think is gonna matter here my wife said buy me a present and I said fuck off hag but hold on but hold on we have four kids it's like I don't know what this

0:07:54 Tom: Have no idea.

0:07:53 Eli: But we moved across the country and back again so you get it

0:08:05 Tom: God through it all we've always operated as equals making decisions together it's not yeah doesn't mean anything one relevant detail we don't do gifts this was her idea early in our relationship as we were broke college students and didn't see the point in buying things just for the sake of it that's not why you buy things even now we buy what we need when we need it the last time I bought her jewelry was last summer when she specifically asked for gold earrings and we could afford them.

0:08:06 Thomas: Is great I love this okay sure and we all know that oh that's weird because she specifically asked for a present this time it's

0:08:36 Tom: Uh, just didn't said no.

0:08:37 Eli: Robo gift determined necessary gold earrings. Anal sex scheduled.

0:08:42 Tom: So when she suddenly asked about a gift, I thought she was joking. Turns out she wasn't. She explained that many of her friends recently had babies and their husbands bought them diamond rings or gold jewelry. Even her mother's got gifts from our fathers and she doesn't want to feel left out. To me, this whole push present thing feels like a commercialized western gimmick something something

0:09:05 Eli: It's all big jewelry. It's telling my wife about push presents.

0:09:10 Tom: That was never ours we built a home and a life together I don't want to feel like I'm paying for the birth of our child as if it's just hers if she truly wanted something meaningful she could have told me not just pointed out that everyone else got one I should too I love her and appreciate her no you don't

0:09:25 Eli: I don't know if you can tell based on my words and actions, but I do love and appreciate her. I

0:09:30 Tom: But she never wanted this for our first two kids it feels like she just wants to keep up with her friends

0:09:37 Eli: Donate you, piece of shit.

0:09:39 Tom: Many of whom treat their husbands poorly and love flaunting that they run the show so am I the asshole for sticking to our usual approach or should I just buy the jewelry to keep the peace the question is all wrong look the thing my guy the peace is already not kept But you buy can't the jewelry now and be like, hey, bitch, I bought you that jewelry you wanted, like flinging it in her face. Yeah, it's

0:09:44 Thomas: What?

0:10:03 Eli: At last. All

0:09:57 Thomas: Yeah. No, hold on. Hold on. Hold on, hold one. Think I you can. Okay, you could. This is a super risky approach, although maybe not buy something intensely meaningful and be like oh babe I was doing a bit I didn't want you to get the surprise I'm such a surprise it was you were shocked though right when I bought something because I was so much acting about

0:10:05 Tom: Not how this works.

0:10:23 Eli: Can you imagine if I was actually the truly self -centered piece of shit that when you told me you felt left out I would respond

0:10:25 Thomas: The worst honestly that's the best current way to handle it like to come back from this that's that's why

0:10:35 Tom: You makes a gift feel special is when I hurt your feelings real bad ahead of time.

0:10:40 Thomas: Has to be it has have to like literally find something the most meaningful possible. So you're like, I just didn't want,

0:10:41 Eli: Do you get it they

0:10:41 Tom: Yeah, you actually fucked your sister before I did that just so I could really kind of lay it on thick. You know what I mean jesus

0:10:50 Eli: Here what you gotta do he says they've dealt with pregnancy loss you gotta bring that baby back to life as the push present be like oh you thought we were taking home one baby we're taking home two and you bring out this corpse that you've made into a hand puppet and you're like mama the

0:11:05 Tom: Christ jesus

0:11:04 Thomas: We can't publish this. Why? Okay. Well, the whole episode we're just taking off, huh?

0:11:10 Eli: Lydian cut will keep the fetus puppet hashtag fetus puppy lives yeah

0:11:14 Tom: Like can you imagine a scenario where somebody is like hey I actually would like to have a present you know we're equals in this you're not equals in childbirth also that's not a thing she's doing something

0:11:17 Thomas: This is so good though. No, we no, Tom, we both push something out of our body, right? I mean, it's pretty much the same.

0:11:32 Eli: I had the downstairs tickle nine months ago and you are shoving a watermelon out of your eyelid so same girl same yeah

0:11:38 Tom: Like I hate that shit where it's like this where idea that like because we want to have like more equality in a relationship that like the childbirth itself oh we're pregnant you are not we are not pregnant she's pregnant your feet aren't swelling your body isn't changed you as a couple are not pregnancy she's the only one pregnant pregnant that's just how pregnancy works man like guys are not pregnant she is the only one doing childbirth it's just different like you don't get to be a part of this the same way you have a supporting role she you are the supporting character here I think there's like a huge amount of dudes that cannot stand being the supporting characters so the best that they'll give their spouse when she's pregnant it's like okay we're at least like co -equal though

0:11:52 Thomas: It's very convenient. Yeah.

0:12:31 Eli: Business partner and I have started to make a baby together I call her by her first name like a fucking psychopath

0:12:36 Tom: It's such fucking insane it's just such insane bullshit

0:12:45 Eli: Mrs strindlebell so good to see you continue your good work on our baby you want me to take that over for a second oh too busy sorry I can't do it for

0:12:53 Tom: Like actually I hate all the language like the people use almost all the language people use too around babies like oh like she's having a baby for him like no she's having a Baby like we don't have babies for other people in healthy relationships that's a crazy person thing to do like it's not something somebody does for somebody else yeah

0:12:59 Thomas: It's so good yeah unless you're literally a surrogate then no

0:13:17 Tom: Right yeah I mean like I was in a normal scenario right like I are not normal scenarios we use all this sort of stuff it's I'm having your baby like well you're not like it's not like a favor you're doing it's not like you went downstairs to get me a drink like how this works it's just not how any of this works it's bad like all of that dynamic shit is fucking bad

0:13:21 Thomas: I was just agreeing yeah yeah yeah

0:13:38 Eli: Alone the ask and the saying yes if anna ever told me hey I feel kind of left out about blank I would already feel like such a monumental failure as a husband and a partner, there would be no thing that could follow that statement that I wouldn't be like, yeah, let's do it right fucking now.

0:13:48 Thomas: Obviously

0:14:04 Eli: Let alone if it was, can I have a little necklace? Hey, I was just wondering if before I fucking shoved this human being that I grew inside my tum -tum, out of my butthole, If you would go to fucking Zales and drop $299 on a silver bracelet, you absolute sack of shit.

0:14:15 Thomas: Is this Mickey Mouse oh I like how Mickey Mouse evolved into a normal person because it was so outrageous just yeah

0:14:39 Eli: Anna had a remote control butthole stretcher and the day before giving birth to my son, I

0:14:44 Tom: I'm a little surprised she doesn't have one hooked up to you right now actually

0:14:46 Thomas: I thought that's

0:14:47 Eli: Mean on her, if she had one on her. Yeah if she had one and she was like I would like to insert this into you and every time I dilate I want to use this included app on my phone to dilate your butthole I'd be like what a great way for us to share an experience darling I'm so glad you told me about this now rather than later when you would have felt left out about the experience doesn't

0:14:48 Thomas: Too specific I think she does oh

0:15:12 Tom: Damn like go it

0:15:13 Thomas: My god I mean it's so true because I I do think like right when he started mentioning that she wanted some sort of jewelry I was like oh that's kind of fucking stupid I'll be I don't understand like But then I was like, wait a minute, wait a minute. Doesn't matter. Doesn't matter. She'd want this thing for this. I'd be, like, done and done, man. Your wife is having a bit, I can't, the trauma. I don't understand how they do it. That's impossible. That's got to be the worst thing. Do you ever occasionally just think about that and you're, like. Oh, my God, that's horrible.

0:15:28 Tom: Doesn't

0:15:29 Eli: Matter there's no thing yeah I think about it when she slaps me awake every morning yeah

0:15:48 Thomas: Yeah, it's, like my God.

0:15:50 Tom: Watches uh call the midwife sometimes it's like a comfort show for her and so like it's just on like you know fair you know just walk in like oh call the Midwives on man it's just a comfort show and every time I watch a show I'm like there's got to be a better way for new people to arrive like this is a crazy way for people to come into the world can

0:16:07 Thomas: Think Sauron, controversial. Think Sauron had it, right. When he's just digging orcs out of weird them, mud sacks that they're in. I mean, come on, let's get on it.

0:16:14 Eli: Dig your baby out of a mud sack sounds great

0:16:16 Thomas: I mean, that's how we've been doing it in Calvary County for the rattlesnakes or the midwives and no,

0:16:22 Tom: Can can I say too that like I don't understand why guys and it's almost always guys not exclusive it's Almost Always Guys get weird about jewelry specifically when we don't get weird about like other things that people want that we don t want or other things that are just beautiful for the sake of being beautiful any other piece of art for example like I've never understood that like when you buy someone a present it doesn't matter if it's something you would want that's literally not an important consideration right like

0:16:54 Thomas: Have to get something that I would also find fun.

0:16:57 Tom: That's like a Homer bowling ball episode right Right. Like that's

0:16:59 Eli: You don't want a playstation instead babe

0:17:03 Tom: And then like specifically jewelry, though, it gets called out as if it's not art, but it's fucking art. Like if you made it, you would be proud of the thing that you made.

0:17:13 Thomas: It's similarly overpriced and corporatized and worthless. I agree.

0:17:17 Tom: But like so much of art is like it doesn't it literally doesn't matter. Like, Like If somebody was into music, like, are we going to say like oh music or movies or television or literally any other thing you can buy because all art is purchasable at this point just about like why do we single out jewelry and I have the answer it's because people want to spend the fucking money on it that's it it's just being a cheap ass right

0:17:19 Thomas: I agree with you. I'm actually unironically agreeing.

0:17:42 Eli: And because it's for women we also demean everything that's for women in society everything for we're like flowers right like there's flowers are so you can go to the grocery store right now and get a giant bunch of flowers for your wife for eleven dollars and they're still like oh I guess she's gonna want fucking flowers and I'm like oh god can I tell you guys a way in which I'm a failure as a partner so I'm a failure is a partner in two major senses the first I think I've talked about on the air before which is of all the things that I remember and hold precious about my wife I cannot remember what candy my wife enjoys so I will regularly

0:17:45 Tom: That's exactly it yeah yeah yes always what this is so weird you remember everything

0:18:19 Thomas: Interesting.

0:18:19 Eli: I know I I have a mind like a vice but I will regularly bring home chocolate and be like here's some chocolate for you and she's like I don't care for chocolate and I'm like I don't think that's right and she'S like yep we have this conversation every 45 seconds memento guy so that's the first one that's my first failure is I cannot remember what what sweets my wife wants or

0:18:20 Thomas: That's weird. It's very weird I think it's just that your brain's rejecting that anyone could not like chocolate like it's that powerful

0:18:45 Eli: That's partly what it is I think it's also that my fat ass wants some chocolate but I know I can't eat it because it's not vegan so I'm like I'm buying chocolate in the house and maybe I'll stop being vegan and I'll eat it who fucking knows anyways that's The First Way they

0:18:50 Thomas: Same

0:19:00 Tom: Lindor makes a vegan truffle, by the way, with oat milk. That's pretty good.

0:19:02 Eli: Do yeah it's really good yeah they're great uh second way I'm a failure as a husband is I'm a poopy pants boy when it comes to jewelry. Have you ever seen this? These men who have to be led around the jewelry store by their exhausted wives and they have to point at things like you're taking your like you'RE TAKING A DOG AROUND AN AQUARIUM So

0:19:10 Thomas: Same yeah

0:19:20 Tom: What?

0:19:19 Thomas: That's sorry is there some other way it would be come hold on I can't wait and

0:19:24 Eli: Here's what's supposed to happen. Yes, what's supposed to, and Tom's about to describe it, I'm sure, is you're supposed to walk walk around this jewelry store filled with homosexuals wearing expensive watches. And you're supposed to see something and you're supposed to understand that your wife would like that thing.

0:19:41 Thomas: You're supposed to make a high dollar amount purchase just on the the whim that your wife might like this arbitrary arrangement of rocks? That's impossible. Why would you ever do that?

0:19:47 Eli: But, Yes. Thank you. I am said poopy pants boy as well. And here's the worst part. I had to fail a test to do it. So when Anna and I were doing the edit, God, is this one of the more fun parts of a relationship where you're, we're not looking at rings, but you know we like stop into the stores and take a look oh it's a delight and so we're doing that right I don't want to be a poopy pants husband I don'T WANT TO BE THE GUY WHOSE WIFE HAS TO CIRCLE SOMETHING IN A CATALOG AND THEN HERE'S

0:20:13 Thomas: Look, there are some things I'm never going to be.

0:20:19 Eli: THE GROCERY LIST MEEMAL DONE GAVE ME WE NEED TWO PANTS OF SUGAR ONE PAN OF FLAMBER AND THE ENGAGEMENT RING SHE PICKED OUT FOR HERSELF BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW WHAT TRIANGLES LOOK LIKE IT'S THE WORST SO I WAS LIKE I'M GONNA PICK YOU you had an engagement ring darling I'm describing me I'm describing me thomas I'm describing me and so many men so we go to a jewelry store and I'm like let's take a look around and I'll like give you an idea of what I might pick and she's like right it's so delightful I

0:20:31 Thomas: Stop describing exactly me and saying it's the worst.

0:20:49 Thomas: Like, do you want this chocolate ring? Fuck.

0:20:52 Eli: Pointed stuff they might have been racial slurs spelled out in jewels for the horror and offense that came over my bride's face she was like oh um a chocolate diamond and I'm like yeah it's because you love chocolate so much right because you remember oh you did god damn it I

0:21:08 Thomas: I just made that joke. God damn it. No one laughed. No oh okay I thought that was funny literally no one are we having a not that's so funny I was like that was come on okay so we're having a skype problem or whatever zencaster problem that first thing I said was like yo you bought her a chocolate ring yeah okay

0:21:15 Eli: Hear it I literally didn't hear it is is due oh

0:21:19 Tom: Didn't hear it either. Oh, I

0:21:26 Eli: That's great that's

0:21:27 Thomas: Okay I feel better now because I thought I was really not being funny today I was like I've had like four that I'm like that Was good right okay lydia's gonna be like yeah that was you know I'm like yeah

0:21:27 Eli: Was great dessert

0:21:29 Tom: Missed it. I missed it.

0:21:35 Eli: Of bitches that great yeah but in in the lydia cut she edits that out and then she just uses the a of my voice to make that joke but yeah we walked around for like 10 minutes and then he was like well I'll I'll a few things and give you like some ideas. And I was like, okay. And then we like, all right.

0:21:40 Thomas: All my good ones yeah wait

0:21:58 Tom: Yeah I will say like I bought Hayley the wrong engagement ring. Like I bought her an engagement ring that was was like and I did not know that it was ugly but like just swapped it out like when we got it and it wasn't the ring that she wanted and this is something you see dudes like inflexible and weird about as well it's like oh yeah like it's totally reasonable like it

0:22:17 Eli: I would never do that.

0:22:14 Thomas: Really? Okay. Cause I would also never do that. I just recognize that I don't see, I'm a Westworld robot when it comes to jewelry. I don'T get it. I DON'T understand it.

0:22:24 Tom: Always felt like like there's lots of things that hayley's into that like I would not be into without her. Right. But I do recognize that like anything that is important to her should become at least conversantly important to me. Right? If it's important to Her, I should learn enough about it so that it becomes becomes something that's important to me as well.

0:22:43 Thomas: DON'T have that kind of time, Tom. That's impossible.

0:22:45 Tom: So just it comes to jewelry, I did a bad job when she, when we were, we were doing the same thing. We're like looking at rings online and stuff, like looking looking at like the place and I was making mental notes, but I made some bad mental notes. Like I made mental note and I got it wrong. Right. So I bought her a ring. It was a good stone. It was not like the shape of the setting that she wanted. And she's like, we talked about it. She's like, well, I'd like to trade this in for a different setting. And I was like, yeah, you're, I want you to wear it and I want it. I want to wear this. I'm like, I'm going to like it. We should do that. That's a, like, that's cool. And then what I did after that is I made more mental notes of what I got wrong because I just listened. And Then I asked questions like, oh, well, you like this because of that? No, I like this this, because of that. And I'm like, Oh, all right. And you just learn about the things like, just what I don't understand is like, like just learn about the person you like.

0:23:31 Thomas: Well, this may be the kind of thing where it's just like, fundamentally, I'M never going to be that because I DONT want someone to do that for me. I

0:23:39 Eli: To Thomas is sitting there with a diamond necklace but

0:23:42 Thomas: I'm NOT taking talking a whole year than thou view about like, I it's just like, I have no understanding of it. And I also recognize, well, so the, the key part is that I grew up really cheap.

0:23:49 Tom: Lydia not learned more about hockey because you guys have been together for all this time though?

0:23:57 Thomas: I grewup really cheap and can't, I can't fathom spending a bunch of money on something on like a hope that I got the right thing. Like, that's just, I'M NEVER GONNA DO THAT. You know, like if we're ever spending significant money, it's going to be something where we've talked about it and we like, and, and in the same way, I have plenty of bullshit that I like. That's total bullshit. I like collecting old video game stuff. That is a hundred percent bullshit. There's no reason to do it. It's absolutely every bit as whatever you want to say jewelry is, but I would never in a million years want or expect Lydia to like pick the game that I want from my child. Like, it'S just, I don't, itS not, there's no point. Like, I Don't need her to

0:23:55 Eli: Hockey's cool tom I think

0:24:32 Thomas: Do that. You know what I mean? I

0:24:33 Eli: That stuff is nice as fuck look want to be clear I don't think it's required right think it'S super nice and I think it's a really good way to tell someone like hey I'm not just going through because like look I'm a poopy pants boy right time my wife wants something she has this fucking tragic note that we share on our iphone because I'm a fucking poopypants boy and she's got dresses and pictures and art and makeup and all these lovely things yeah it's fine it's not what my wife deserves my wife desires what Tom's talking about where I'm like the teardrop shape

0:24:34 Tom: Do too. I,

0:24:57 Thomas: Fine That's fine.

0:25:07 Eli: And then he carves it in blood on his forearm and then the next time he's walking by

0:25:08 Thomas: I don' know man who has the time

0:25:11 Tom: Just write it down on my phone like that's I just make a note

0:25:13 Thomas: Same thing

0:25:13 Eli: I would love to be able to do that Tom I would Love to be Able to do that but it's physically impossible I would Love to Be Able To Do That Meanwhile I'm Showing Up With Two Milk Chocolate Bars Being Like Thomas said these first I would love would love that I would want to do that

0:25:15 Thomas: But it's impossible! Did it again Guess I'm a fellow poopy pants boy

0:25:37 Tom: Giving yourself so much grief but you live to buy gifts and you're good at buying gifts like

0:25:42 Eli: The other problem I'm a great gift giver I'ma

0:25:44 Thomas: That's what's killing me because I'm consistently terrible with gifts Eli. I dunno what your excuse is I've set up that there should be no expectations on me ever about anything.

0:25:53 Eli: Destroy gifts I destroy gift Tom just got his birthday warning he was a bitch about it so now he's getting a boy sleeve he was like don't give me a birthday gift fuck you of course you need a birthday they get it's the only thing we believe in is whether

0:26:01 Tom: Not a a bitch about it I I don't need a birthday prop 47 I know

0:26:09 Thomas: It's one of your last few birthdays, Tom. Or if Eli's right, it's meaningless number of your infinity birthday I don't know. One or the other.

0:26:12 Tom: I'm not making it

0:26:17 Eli: This is you all you know this could be your first 47 I mean it's not it's probably like your 10 ,000 47 but you know there's no way to know we can't read all the books in this library I

0:26:23 Thomas: I did write down that Tom might want a mirror that doesn't scream at him, but I don'T know if I can find that.

0:26:30 Tom: I need that mirror to scream at me it keeps me awake it helps it helps keep me upright surprises surprises me.

0:26:35 Eli: Think it's that they slowly transform into the mirrors that move on their own I don't think it'S the I tried

0:26:39 Thomas: But real talk when Lydia and I first got married I we had way less money and I was more in the poopy pants realm because like I grew up obviously with my dad I was at the bottom rock whatever the dynamic you're talking about Eli of not being able to spend money on something like that I rock bottom there's no way I could imagine spending money on something on like expensive jewelry because it serves no purpose and there's no way I was like the worst of that um now I've gotten obviously I've tried to loosen up I've gotten better but the furthest I can go is I will spend whatever on whatever my wife wants I'm just not picking it out for like I can't do like I will never it's like I don't want to make a comparison to being colorblind because it's insulting to the to the no -cos but like I just don't know what that is like I'm not going to try to do it because I can'T and you failed and the the lesson is never try harper

0:27:27 Eli: I I try once a year, once a year it's, and I never do it for her birthday. I never did it for a major holiday. It'll just be fucking Arbor day. And I'd be like, you know what? Eli, you're a good gift giver. You love your wife. You know what she likes.

0:27:43 Thomas: Know your wife loves chocolate

0:27:44 Eli: And I'm like, I'm going to give her a gift. And I've been, and then I'll be like here you go, babe. I got this fucking pen dolphin figurine from the, from the Hallmark store in the mall.

0:27:51 Thomas: So yeah so but but for real the the the mental experience of a your partner of anyone getting a a gift that you you've got that your your eyes you're like oh hope I nailed it hope it's the right one you're looking at them and that anguish of them having to be like fuck this sucks and I hate it How do I not break my partner's heart in this? That is so agonizingly not worth whatever the positive thing is of the one time out of a million that you buy something that she's like, oh, cool. This is cool.

0:28:19 Eli: Let me explain, Thomas. If you have a partner who has control over their facial expressions, I can understand why you would be worried about that. The between my wife seeing the bad gift and saying, I hate this, it's ugly, is actually negative one seconds. She shakes the box and is like, oh, this is awful. What a bad choice you made. You paying attention again. Yup, it is.

0:28:41 Thomas: I mean, that's still bad.

0:28:42 Eli: Exactly what I thought it was I

0:28:44 Thomas: I could smell that as chocolate.

0:28:46 Eli: I can smell the milk chocolate you rubbed on this figurine from the mall

0:28:50 Thomas: Yeah. It's just not worth it. And, and, don't know if I finished the story, but, um, our anniversary, I've been like, Hey, let's get you whatever wedding jewelry that you want. Cause the first time around, you know, this is, you know, budget of the time. I'm, I'm just not picking that. I will never do that. Cause it's not worth it. What is the upside? Here's the other worst part. If you get something that's like 80 % of what they want, cause then they're going to be like, this ist pretty good. It's not enough to want to be like, Oh, I don, I want to take it back. But is it you know like it's almost better to get something that's complete dog shit because then she can be like oh fuck this yeah let's get a thing that I actually like what if you get a b minus and then she's stuck with a b minus or you just have her pick out the thing she fucking wants never do this I'm sorry

0:29:30 Eli: But no that's the thing she gets an a plus bracelet and a b minus husband have you ever here's always and I do occasionally do a nice thing but there's always I can spell it in the air we'll be out with another couple and now we have parent friends and it's just they're fucking every day it's just fucking oh you know we went to this little seashell place on our first date and he bought all nine of the pokemon helixes and then he strung them onto a thing made out of his dad's ball hair and he I woke up with it around my

0:29:35 Thomas: Fine that's better 100 you're just describing tom yeah

0:30:09 Eli: Wrist and my wife my wife again who has an a plus present because she picked it out I'm not the asshole who's like Like, no, you have to wear the figurine, right? I am, I let her pick the thing. She's like, oh, well, I told Eli this trip I want to go on and I get to go it. And everyone turns to me and watches the boogers, the double snot bubbles coming out of my nostrils as I fucking stare into my phone and try desperately not to click on Twitter. She has to be like, he's trying really hard not to be hypnotized by Twitter right now. That's why he couldn't be bothered to give a fuck about me the mother of his child and I'm like facebook made me sad so I took it off the light box and they're like cool great choice anna you were a model when you met huh and she's like yeah yeah he'll probably be dead pretty soon And I'm like, it's true. I'm trying. I just keep eating. Just not a nice thing. I wouldn't want her to have to wear burlap to the mall. And I don't want to have her to be married to poopy pants. Can't remember what jewelry she likes, husband. But I can't. I can. I have a note in my phone from my attempt, my first attempt to write down the thing. And they are the, Kevin Spacey's character from Seven would be like, oh boy, I don't love this. Hello,

0:31:37 Thomas: Can You actually just use Kevin Spacey now. You don't even have to use his character from 7 because he's such a piece of shit.

0:31:42 Tom: There's no reason to draw that distinction. Jesus. I fucking fucking hate buying shit off a list. Like I, will do it. I guess like, no, I don't, I don't think I buy, I don't think I ever buy anything off a list. I can't stand buying off a LIS. It makes me feel lazy. Like, it's just like, maybe just get her a gift card and like throw it in a cart and be like, I dunno, buy yourself something nice.

0:32:01 Tom: It just feels like nothing to me. Like. Somebody who loves to give gifts, like, and I'll just buy gifts for no reason. LikeI, I literally gave Haley a book yesterday because she and I were talking the other night and she was like, we're talking about like old Victorian slang. And there's a great piece of slang that called it got the morbs, which is a great phrase, like old Victorian phrase. And she's like, oh yeah. And we were joking about it. It was like in this old Victorian slang dictionary. And so I waited for her to not be paying attention. And I fucking went online and I found the book and I bought the book.

0:32:31 Tom: And like gave her the book, like, like we have a chimney sweep. Now, a lot of people don't have chimney sweeps, but

0:32:30 Thomas: An old victorian kid for a slave oh no yeah yeah

0:32:37 Eli: Hello, Miss Curry. Mr. Curry says you look a little sly now and then. Chim, chiminey, chim, chiminee, chim chim.

0:32:43 Tom: I've I've totally I think like with jewelry because the it's so expensive you just got to give jewelry with like the caveat like hey think you'll like it if it's not exactly right we'll just swap it out but if you get it right you get all the points no here's the thing you first of all you tried right like Like, I think that that matters. And then if you get it right, you fucking knock that shit right out of the park, right? I fucked up our engagement ring. I got her ring. It's literally nothing like the kinds of rings she likes. Because when we were looking at rings, I didn't know enough about rings to know what to pay attention to. But over the course of the last several years together, like, I'm like, yeah, now I know more about rings because I wanted to, because I needed to. I wanted it to make sure, like I could speak conversantly about

0:32:49 Thomas: Lydia would love that gift I need to do that that's just a gift card that looks different

0:33:02 Eli: Because you tried, you swung, you aimed.

0:33:36 Thomas: Look we can all acknowledge that tom is better than us and we're poopy pants boys

0:33:40 Tom: It. No I'm just saying like it's a good just

0:33:41 Thomas: No I mean it sincerely

0:33:42 Eli: But the problem, right?

0:33:43 Tom: Jewelry piece is a good thing to be like yeah this one like it did cost a lot of money if it's not exactly right you can go ahead and swap it out

0:33:49 Eli: Here's the thing. I'm used to being fucking cucked by Tom, okay? That's fine. What I can't stand is that there are high school boyfriends across this nation with better jewelry game than me. Fucking Michelle is showing everybody what Greg bought her right now with his fucking, you know, quick lube money. And I have to slump over to my wife's desk like a toddler who's had an accident underneath the fridge and be like, Will you move for your birthday? I I tried to think and I couldn't again this year how was I

0:33:56 Tom: Whatever

0:34:27 Thomas: Man

0:34:27 Eli: Ever to know you were gonna have a birthday again curses it's crept up on me again this day of your birth

0:34:33 Thomas: Thank you for for once not making me the far and away shittiest person on this podcast I appreciate that because you're just describing me and, you know, this

0:34:41 Eli: Look

0:34:43 Tom: So push present would you you, would you do the, would you do to push present? Like, I mean, would, you do a push present? I'm curious because I push presents. I was not aware of them when my kids were born. So I didn't do push presents and I do feel like you do Eli. Like I would feel like an asshole if there was like a cultural awareness that the push present is a thing. And then I had to be told about it. I'd be like, Oh, well that's super sucks. Like I missed an opportunity to appreciate you. That is not what I meant to do. Like, uh, I would feel like an asshole about that, but like I would a thousand thousand percent like yeah push present sure whatever like it if does it make you happy you're doing a hard thing like

0:34:46 Thomas: Yeah, push present. Yeah.

0:35:11 Eli: Fuck

0:35:20 Thomas: Mm

0:35:20 Tom: I here you go like if she ran a marathon I'd be like here's your marathon running present

0:35:21 Eli: It any your marathon present yeah any opportunity to give my wife a present and to incorporate more of those because I know there's like the the species of dude that are like valentine's day is a construction of the flower company it's the only good thing corporate capitalism has ever made is Valentine's Day it fucking rule I would love if the health care system was just like june 2nd is fucking buy your wife a hat day I'd be like great that's the best thing you've ever done united health care like that's I understand it's a construct, but that's the other problem, too, is it's like, this is silly because this is just a made -up thing. It's all made -upp shit.

0:36:04 Eli: None of it's real. None of its real. Your conscious experience, unless you and your wife sit there with your foreheads pressed together chanting, we think, therefore, I am. We think, before I am, we're pretty sure a demon god isn't simulating this, then it's all a construct. So just do the nice construct. Do the constructs that are nice and die early while the insurance is still active. It's your only job yeah

0:36:06 Tom: That's nothing well the same people that will like rant about that shit like they'll be like well you know it's not it's our own thing it's corporate western and like okay well then what's your thing like oh we're not doing they never have a different thing they're doing so it's not like they're like yeah we actually have our own celebration instead and it's on March 9th and it is

0:36:39 Thomas: That's true. Absolutely. Is the wins International Men's Day of things where they're like, every time we do this every year, and international men's day does exist and the only time people search for it is on international women's day it's the one time anyone gives a shit about you can check the google trends I want to acknowledge that in the end though uh wish I weren't like this and I I'm not happy with it are you I've like I don't I'm not advocating to be like me it sucks

0:36:55 Tom: Jesus fucking Christ yeah right are

0:37:06 Eli: I'm dude I'm please don't be like me be anything but me as if I've said it once I've set it a thousand times I'll be tom be look there are ways in which you shouldn't be tom sometimes you listen to the show and tom's like don't let your ex breathe too much because you might put the ai in your blood and you're like okay cool let's see what the other two have to say but don't

0:37:12 Thomas: Any other person. Be Tom. Everyone be Tom. Several. Yeah.

0:37:19 Tom: Most most ways that's true though that's good advice what are you going to say not you should exaggerate

0:37:30 Eli: Be a poopy pants husband I'm not even saying thomas I'm talking about me talking about me with my heart full of song thomas we should make a pact we should making a pact right here on air that we know that we're gut that lydia anniversary

0:37:34 Thomas: It's okay. You can talk about me. It's fine. That we're never going to try. I agree. The way ahead of you. No one knows. Can't be known. Unknowable. I'm not, I already reject this premise. I don't want to do it. Not even for a bit.

0:37:56 Eli: Anniversary, dear old, that's where the music goes in, right there, that is where the music goes, okay, Lydia, here is the best bit, okay? You have to re -record the outro, what fucking pissed, and just for this episode, so don't mention it, don't call it, just like, hey, so if you want to hear more DILF stuff, Dear Old Dads .com and it's just on this episode nobody else hears it it never gets acknowledged anywhere else in the lore all right gentlemen before we go why did the farm animals leave the presentation because the presenter was a boar that's

0:38:27 Thomas: So good I

0:38:46 Tom: Is that joke I

0:38:47 Thomas: Don't even know if that works

0:38:49 Eli: How you get boomer jokes this is how you get boomers jokes I know you do it's because you appreciate me

0:38:50 Tom: Want the boomer jokes you

0:38:52 Thomas: You don't the farm animal a boar is not a farm animal am I am I crazy they're

0:38:55 Eli: Depends on

0:38:54 Tom: Never no they're not far man they're definitively not yeah

0:38:59 Eli: The farm depends

0:38:59 Thomas: Not they're like the definition of that is like a not that doesn't work this is like one that I try to think of for my kids that are it's really you know I I love that bit because I can think of just c minus jokes and as long as it makes a little bit of sense they're like that's fucking great dad it's the best it's truly the uh action of comedy I

0:39:00 Eli: On on the farm yeah I don't think you mean affirmative action thomas the thing where black people get to go to college there

0:39:25 Thomas: Uh I I mean yeah no I do the thing where the thing what they yeah it's what conservatives think affirmative action is for comedy there I'll I'll say that. Yeah.

0:39:34 Eli: It is I was like wow real strong anti -affirmative action take from t -dog okay it's

0:39:35 Tom: There we go yeah all right

0:39:38 Thomas: I'm so used to that. Yeah. That's how much that that's pervaded the mindset.

0:39:44 Eli: The women's lib of joke telling am I right finally we're accepting the manosphere make a lot more money be the president or something all

0:39:58 Clip: Want to meet sexy DILFs in your area? Email the dads at DearOldDads .com or, better yet, send us a message on Patreon. You can follow us on all social media by checking the links in the show notes. And if you need more podcasts in your life, you can find Tom on Cognitive Dissonance, Thomas on Serious Inquiries Only, and Eli on Godawful Movies and all the Puzzle in the Thunderstorm shows. Dear Old Dads is edited and produced by my favorite DILf, tom smith who also wrote and recorded the intro music which is used with his permission this podcast is a production of daddy issues llc copyright 2022 all rights reserved

0:40:39 Eli: Chim, chiminey, chim, chiminee, chim chim.

0:40:44 Thomas: Fuck off hag but hold on we

0:40:47 Tom: I'm like there's got to be a better way for new people to arrive like

0:40:50 Eli: I'm a poopy pants boy when it comes to jewelry.

0:40:53 Thomas: Describing exactly me and saying it's the worst.

0:40:57 Eli: I'm a poopy pants boy right I'm a fucking poopypants boy and

0:41:01 Thomas: A fellow poopy pants boy