DOD188: Mind the Age Gap

Transcript

This transcript was generated automatically and may contain errors — the audio is the record.

0:00:02 Clip: I'm the cool dad. That's my thing. I know now what I can offer you that no one else can. Complete and utter dependence. I'm a man. I'm sensitive. I need to feel loved. I need to be desired.

0:00:22 Clip: Telling is the only part of being a father that I enjoy.

0:00:29 Tom: Welcome to Dear Old Dads, the podcast that's not afraid of jumping over the gap. I'm Tom Curry. I'm joined as always by Thomas Smith and Eli Bosnick. Hello, gentlemen.

0:00:38 Thomas: Only one of us knows what the fuck that means I can't wait this is fun eli

0:00:42 Tom: This is a surprise. Here's what's going to be fun about today's episode. Today's episode, we're going to do a listener email that I am going to read out loud, but as I read it, I will be discovering it in the moment allowed only mr bosnick knows ahead of time so

0:00:56 Thomas: Says we should hear fresh we're gonna hear fresh we don't even know what that intro was ah

0:01:01 Tom: Fresh and so clean why

0:01:02 Eli: That is that, listeners, but today is a listener question where I want to talk about not the listener's question. So let's get the paper.

0:01:10 Tom: Would that be different than any other episode we've ever done of this show that's this show

0:01:11 Eli: That's true. That's truth. That's sure. They shouldn't expect it. Let's give the paperwork out of the way. You're saying, wait a second. These guys take questions. I could have the wisdom of Tom Curry, Thomas Smith, and the occasional Eli Bosnick in my life quandaries. Yes, you can, by sending us an email to thedads@dearolddads.com. That's thedads@dearolddads.com. Now, I will give you a warning, because we have had this confusion in the past. We are going to answer your question on air on the podcast. Podcast, if you would like private parenting advice from us, you can seduce, marry, and wed us, and then we will help you raise your children. As Tom can verify, he will help You Raise Your Children if you marry him. He'll do a hell of a job.

0:01:50 Tom: That is true that is yeah fucking

0:01:57 Eli: He's all the way in. But if you send it to the email address and it is not the entree to seducing, marrying, and eventually wedding us, then please be aware that it does not belong in our inbox but

0:01:57 Tom: Accurate yeah

0:02:11 Thomas: We did get a weird one that was like hey Hey, should I announce the birth of my son, um, my father via Twitter, you weren't sure how to answer it and I think they might have jumped the gun on the - did you guys fucking see that?

0:02:23 Eli: See this I'm off the social internet please no I missed this I've blocked all the news apps and I'm off the social internet right

0:02:23 Tom: What wait what busty

0:02:24 Thomas: Musk, you didn't see it? Right -wing influencer, like, that I don't - I think her name's Andrea St. St. Clair or something, Ashley St. Claire, something like that. Just all of a sudden announces, I had Elon Musk's child. Five months old. Everyone's like, what is fucking happening? Funny thing was, you know, one the cool that we know about Elon Musk kid that's trans, remember that person is great.

0:02:52 Thomas: They'RE like, like if I had a nickel for every time I found out I had a sibling via media or whatever, 30 cents, but it's weird that happened six times. It' like, what the fuck is happening over there? Anyway, you so have questions like that, them our way, for sure. We'll help. 13th kid, was it?

0:03:00 Eli: Yeah that's right all gentlemen do you know the only thing worse than the influence elon musk has that's

0:03:09 Tom: Too many kids that's

0:03:11 Thomas: It's okay, Tom. He never parents any of them except up the one that he uses as a human shield.

0:03:14 Eli: True he does not he does is not literally, but gentlemen, do you know the only thing worse than the effect Elon Musk has had on American democracy and on world civilization as a whole? The auto ads. Yes, it's the auto ads we've been recording for three minutes now. So you've probably heard, I'm going to say 17 auto ads in that space, various volumes, various languages. I'm getting a lot of Spanish in our auto ads these days. But you can make them all go away. Not people who speak Spanish. That's Elon Musk's job.

0:03:26 Thomas: Can't get behind that. There's nothing that bad.

0:03:27 Tom: I don't know that what's that bad

0:03:45 Eli: No.

0:03:45 Thomas: What Elon Musk's doing.

0:03:47 Eli: You get it. No. Over at patreon.com forward slash dearolddads you'll get an extended commercial free version of every show. Got a little parenting story at the end of every single show for you. Bonus episodes every single month. All sorts of fun stuff over at patreon dot com slash d rolldads. And hey, if you were interested in seducing and then eventually wetting us, there's no better place to start. Patreon .com forward slash dear old dads.

0:04:10 Thomas: A good point.

0:04:10 Eli: That message box goes right to our inbox.

0:04:12 Thomas: Buy us a Patreon subscription first, am I right?

0:04:15 Eli: Come to this Patreon often. Why, yes, we do quite often. So check it out over at patreon. Com forward slash dear old dad. And

0:04:25 Thomas: I I wanted to throw in a promo if you guys don't mind for been working so hard lydia and I for gavel gavel to uh finally go live gavel for everybody for everyone one for the proletariat but

0:04:28 Eli: I would mind. Please don't. Stop. Gavel, gavel. Now for everybody.

0:04:36 Tom: Gavel for you. Look under your seats, everybody.

0:04:37 Thomas: Yeah and uh we look

0:04:40 Tom: And And you've got a gavel and you've got a gavel.

0:04:42 Thomas: In your ass it's a gavel

0:04:43 Eli: But. But. But Thomas, what is. Gavel gavel gavel thomas

0:04:46 Thomas: The the podcast that takes you inside the courtroom that's we have too much to cover for opening arguments we did we spun it off for the trump trial but I always on patreon it's going to be for everybody and we're launching with the baldoni blake lively thing uh that's why that was a topic that was happening the other day on dear old dads oh

0:05:01 Eli: I don't like to listen to podcasts that I'm not on is there if

0:05:05 Thomas: You better come on then that's

0:05:07 Eli: I find out about gavel Gavel, is there a chance that I might encounter Eli Bosnick giving what many have described as a life -changingly jewish performance we

0:05:17 Thomas: Right they well that's still on patreon but yes they can go on patreon I did we even say that eli uh michael uh cohen and

0:05:23 Eli: Have not said anything about it over here no trying

0:05:24 Thomas: I think we I think we did actually because I a lot of people but anyway eli did michael colin uh for the trump trial and it was uh it was fucking incredible uh yeah it was amazing everybody seriously seriously universally beloved performance over there gavel

0:05:29 Eli: To set you up for a patreon plug so So wait, you're saying that I can Get expert analysis of the Justin Beldoni trial For free. But if I Want a little Juice in my booze I can go to patreon .com forward slash gavel pod and I can hear the entire analysis of the trump trial from day one to verdict oh

0:05:54 Thomas: That's true remember when we had a president who literally is a felon for reals like it's fucking crazy but anyway yes absolutely thank you so much eli and check out eli's life life -changingly jewish performance wait what

0:06:06 Tom: Did

0:06:05 Eli: Right and right. So, gentlemen, I'm going to bring the audience in on this. We were talking because we got a bunch of really wonderful, thoughtful listener questions that I'm very excited to answer a lot of them. So this is one that we got. And I figure we need to lay a baseline because I think last week or a couple of weeks ago when we answered someone's question, we did too good of a job. Right.

0:06:24 Eli: Someone asked us a question. We talked about that topic.

0:06:26 Thomas: Do worse. Got it. It

0:06:27 Eli: We answered the question. Now there is a moment in this email that I am entirely fixated on and I don't care about anything else in the email so I would like to betray this person's trust public on the most public platform imaginable and instead talk about the thing that I want to talk about just to sort of give everybody an expectation I think they'll they seem to have a good sense of humor I think they'll forgive me if they don't they can send us a message to the dads dear old dads .com all right so Tom you've not read this get

0:06:56 Tom: All right nope

0:06:54 Thomas: I'm excited for this I'm pumped so

0:06:59 Tom: All right here we go I am aware this could be read aloud on the show. I'm sort of hoping that would be the case because I'm really curious what you all think. So I guess this is done best in two parts, the question and some context. Question. Do you think it's okay to have a friend that doesn't like your partner or for your partner to have the same experience? I'm going to ask you a question that doesn'T like you when there's no chance the friend trying to get with the partner. Context. I'M 29. THERE IS A SIGNIFICANT AGE GAP BETWEEN MYSELF AND MY PARTNER. 31 years I have an issue with it and I think we have now

0:07:01 Eli: It gone there it is okay

0:07:30 Thomas: They're negative two

0:07:33 Tom: Going to have to job. I would not have been able to take this job without that friend offering me a room to rent and a stable place to get on my feet. Having relatively few people to talk to, I sought advice from my friend about my relationship with my partner. My friend thinks that my partner has robbed me of a chance to be my own person and has asked that I do not expect them to interact with my partner." My

0:07:34 Thomas: What is happening what's

0:08:15 Tom: Like like my partner. This mostly comes up since my friend and I both go to the same rock gym. There's only one in the town and my partner doesn't want to feel left out while we're there. Love the show. It's helped me deal with a bunch of stuff and is always a good laugh.

0:08:28 Thomas: What's the gender what'sthe situation here I feel like that's important isn't it oh we don't know okay all

0:08:30 Eli: Don't know we do not know the gender situation they

0:08:32 Tom: No, we don't know. Sign off of the person who wrote it, I'm assuming that that's a guy. I don't Know if they're with a guy or with a girl. So I have no idea. So we don'T know if that's.

0:08:39 Eli: Because the wokes stole partner from gay people yeah

0:08:44 Thomas: Yeah that's what milo yiannopoulos thinks yeah

0:08:47 Tom: So where do you want to start with this, Eli? Do you want us to start with the 31 -year age gap? Because I'll start with the 31 -years age gap with you, brother.

0:08:52 Eli: That's what I want to start with and that's what I wanna talk about and only talk about because I I think it informs everything else

0:08:57 Thomas: Oops.

0:08:59 Tom: I'm actually surprised because I, yeah, to say this. Have 31-year age gap and you think that you have healthily navigated the power dynamic there and then you immediately say about the ways that you've not healthily navigated that and you had to move out and you're isolated and you have no friends you've is the exact problem with fucking 31 year age gap relationships they are in my view definitionally unhealthy yes

0:09:23 Thomas: Point there, Tom.

0:09:27 Eli: Is a person who is isolated you from people your age so that they can use the power of the age difference between you uh you very obviously you have have one friend who has set a firm boundary with you to say hey I think this person has robbed you of your agency and your partner's response is stop being friends with that person they're give they're telling you where my volcano there is yeah

0:09:50 Tom: That's exactly what is happening here you finally have one person in your life who's being honest with you and you're like hey so turns out my partner hates you for your honest evaluation of the truth of our situation and would like to continue my isolation so should I continue being isolated by this manipulative abuser have have been isolated by a manipulative abuser. And the manipulative abuser is like, yes, please stop pointing that out. It makes it more difficult for me to abuse and manipulate this person.

0:10:08 Eli: Sorry

0:10:24 Thomas: Making it awkward here.

0:10:25 Eli: And think the framing of the conversation right whether or not it's okay for your friend to not get along with your partner is part of the I know gaslighting is an overused term but is partof the manipulation that your partner has put in place right partnerhas framed thisas your friend just doesn't like me when the truth is your friend is concerned that you have been robbed of your agency and in response to that your partner is trying to rob you of your agency I

0:10:53 Tom: Want to say too, there's a huge difference between somebody that you're like, if Haley had a friend that she doesn't, but if she, if she had a friend that like I wasn't enamored of.

0:11:01 Thomas: Sick burn. Oh.

0:11:03 Tom: No, no. Like that, that I was was just like yeah not enamored of

0:11:02 Eli: Send her memes I send her memes Haley if you want to hang out sometime hit me up girl blink twice

0:11:07 Tom: I didn't have any concerns about that's a huge difference right like why somebody doesn't like your someone matters it makes all the difference in the world so if hayley had a friend that I didn' t like just because like hey we don't click or you know we don' t see eye to eye on some on some important stuff or like just the vibe isn't good like none of that's anything right like you should absolutely your partner can have fucking and all the friends in the world that they want, whether or not you like them, that tracks

0:11:37 Thomas: Because with just any random sampling of humans, If they're like, I don't like Thomas. I'm like, yeah, no, that's, yeah. That's fair. That'S, that'S honestly, I agree with you. I'M like on your side of this fucking guy sucks.

0:11:48 Tom: If doesn't like if if if Haley doesn't like somebody that's in my life and she can articulate a good reason, should listen to that. Right. I should listen to that because this is the person I've chosen to spend my life with because presumably I trust them more than everybody else. If I didn't trust this person more than then everybody else I would have picked somebody else to spend the rest of my life with. I think the reason somebody doesn't like it, that's all the difference in the world. All this person in this scenario can articulate, it seems like, is, hey, they're kind of calling me out on the three decades of abuse, or whatever it is. I don't know how long they've been in a relationship, but it

0:12:26 Thomas: First off, when did they get together? It doesn't say.

0:12:28 Tom: Doesn't say.

0:12:29 Eli: Doesn't say or

0:12:29 Tom: It doesn't. The person is only 29, so the other person is 60 years old, man. Man.

0:12:34 Thomas: Or negative two. I'm hoping it's negative two, that's what I'm really, yeah.

0:12:36 Eli: Negative too yeah they're looking into the future and seeing their partner and

0:12:41 Thomas: It's like an embryo that someone saved or something, you know? Is love.

0:12:44 Eli: To say something as the partner who has not been liked and often is not liked, right? I do want to speak to that as a question, right, because my wife has lots of friends who do not like me, right They don't hate me, but they don't like me because I'm gross, right My humor is abrasive, no, I'm a gross dude, like My humor Is abrasive right my I am am uh um

0:13:03 Thomas: Is gross, Tom, don't, don's, he's, come on. Your fashion is curious at best.

0:13:12 Eli: Fashion is curious at best but like if you are a sensitive person who prefers to dwell in circles that just holds other people in gentle esteem I wreck that right and there's nothing wrong with being that kind of I mean I don't think you're fucking boring but like there's Nothing wrong with Being a person who's like I actually just choose to be kind in my life. And it is completely reasonable and laudable to see me as a person who makes those choices and go, okay, yeah, all right, cool. Man,

0:13:14 Tom: That I'll give you.

0:13:44 Thomas: What

0:13:45 Eli: It's very long words about the thing you don't like, right? Like that's a lot of what I do. And everything's a joke and everything's a bit and everything is a spiel, right. It's all sort of a thing, right, there's not like some people like to be serious and some people to have deep talks and I'm not incapable of those things, but I'm pretty incapable of those things with strangers, right?

0:14:06 Tom: Sure.

0:14:07 Eli: And artistic communities especially are susceptible to people who like want to get right to the good stuff. And I can appreciate that. Again, I'm not that kind of person, but if you are that kind of person and you want to create those environments, I make it very hard to create those environments. So like I said, Anna has friends who don't like me. Anna's had friends who really, really didn't like my until they got to know me over years and realized, okay, okay, so Eli is kind of like that, but there's also these other sides to him where they saw how I treated Anna and they were, you know, they appreciated that more than they didn't appreciate, you personality. That's not what's happening here. I know I mentioned it earlier, but I want to be very clear. That is not what your friend is saying. Your friend is saying, I think your partner part, is a bad partner to you.

0:14:50 Thomas: Did the friend actually say?

0:14:52 Eli: Friend thinks that my partner has robbed me of a chance to be my own person and has asked that I not expect them to interact with my partner.

0:14:59 Thomas: That's pretty, yep that's pretty clear.

0:15:02 Eli: That's not about disliking someone.

0:15:02 Thomas: Wasn't sure you weren't, yeah no.

0:15:05 Tom: Is, like, if Haley doesn't like somebody and she's just like, yeah, I don't like him and you can't see him and she has no reason. That's manipulative. Right. That'S just like that's somebody just trying to control control like behavior or your relationships. And anytime that happens, anytime that happens, that's a great, big, giant fucking problem. But also anytime somebody is 31 years older than somebody else and is like, I'm into that, that person's a fucking problem like, that we had when we first had our nannie and hired our nannie, she was 19 years old and she was dating a guy who was like 30 and so that's an 11 year age gap right and when when I first like learned this like first stage I hire her obviously I'm not gonna like know like her well enough and build trust and talk to her about this or expect her to talk about this but like as but here's here's the thing the of that only flows in one direction and that's from the young person the old person right it makes all all the sense in the world why somebody who is younger would see somebody who is older as being a viable social connection, right? That makes all the since the world for a hundred reasons that you can think about. Most of which are unhealthy, but some of which perfectly fine

0:15:47 Thomas: Day two you clocked them though. Yeah, sure.

0:16:13 Tom: As well. Literally means that you are a piece of shit in the other direction. And there's no exceptions to that because if you're 30, not

0:16:19 Thomas: Mean if they met last year I don't, you know like, that's

0:16:24 Tom: If I'm 60, I'm at a place where I'm looking to retire in a couple of years. I'm in a wildly different place in my life than somebody who's 29.

0:16:33 Thomas: Fair.

0:16:33 Eli: Yeah. What do you have to, what do you talk about? Right. Like, right.

0:16:36 Tom: Your hopes and dreams. Like, I hope to keep my fucking teeth for the next 20 years. Are you kidding me?

0:16:41 Thomas: They're like I remember when we had a functioning country and you're like I don't know what the fuck you're talking about old man

0:16:45 Eli: Did that. I did it. I did. I did the, I, I unfunctioned the country. No. No. So I have gotten pushback about this before because we have talked about this and we've seen people talk about this. And they're like, oh, me and my husband have a big age. I'm not saying people don't make it work. And I'm saying certainly post that age gap mattering a lot, a lot of people sort of find a balance, right? Find a, what's the word I'm looking for? A homeostasis, if you will. When, you know, when everyone is 30 and 60, as opposed to 19 and 42 or whatever the case might be. I'm saying is a bad start and relationships have bad starts for lots of reasons, right? And sometimes bad start relationships end up good. A bad start is not a good sign for a relationship. If you have to explain something about your relationship every time you talk about it, and I think this listener needs to acknowledge that they probably do that that's not great right there might be it is certainly possible that there are healthy dynamics between people that age but when you look around at the world around you right I used to bring this up when I did debates on uh serious increase only all the time right most of the situations like this you see are predatory does it necessarily definitely mean that your situation is predatory no but like we can run the numbers right

0:17:38 Thomas: I ran

0:18:08 Tom: Yeah.

0:18:09 Eli: We can can all agree that most of them aren't chill yeah

0:18:12 Thomas: The numbers they're gross yeah

0:18:13 Tom: I know I'm speaking in like ridiculously definitive terms and I'm doing it like to be a little hyperbolic, but I would also suggest this. If a 25 year old and I want to hang out with 15, 16, 17, 18 year old people, I'm not a high quality 25 year Old person, right? Am somebody who at the very best, the very best. I am really fucking immature for my age, right. Got real issues at 25. If I see a, a 16, 17, 18, 19 year old person as a viable social connection. I am not normally functioning in my age bracket compared to my peers. That's the most charitable thing I'm going to be able to say the most terrible as that, like, does it matter when the, when the age gap happens? It does. It totally matters like a 30 year old and a 45 year old less weird.

0:18:29 Eli: 30

0:19:05 Tom: It's just less weird because because you're probably in similar places. Like you're in similar career places. You've got similar -ish, probably financial prospects. You've Got similar. So the power dynamic you're bringing to that table are different. So it matters when the age gap exists. Honestly, a smaller age gap when you're younger is more of a problem, right? A five or six year, seven year, eight year age gap when you'RE young can be a real fucking problem.

0:19:31 Tom: You matters less as you get older. But 30 years 30 years that's some bill belichick shit right how do you not look at that and say the same like weird shit right we feel weird about that because like there's kind of an assumption that the older person is probably in this just for the sex and that's probably not a bad assumption it's not necessarily true but it's probably pretty close to true very very often Right. Like know that like at 46, if I meet somebody who's 25, they feel like a fucking kid. They feel like a kid. I can't connect with them person to person. None of the pieces of my life that matter to me are in their life at all. We literally cannot connect. We can talk about the news or, you know, whatever. But like I can'T be like, hey, here are the things in my life THAT MATTER THE MOST TO ME. I CAN'T connect on that level.

0:19:35 Thomas: It's uh it's a big one oh yeah is this bill belichick's girlfriend she listened to the show hi yeah

0:19:35 Eli: Years almost always matters yeah some

0:20:27 Thomas: Yeah.

0:20:28 Tom: Like I don'T know like this like I I know I'm making like hyperbolically definitive statements I really do not want your email about like but I made it like I get it like some people it's fine but like you're the one percent right that's like it's like when we talk about like the problems of capitalism and people are like well but I Made It and you're like all right but these fucking that doesn't actually matter right

0:20:37 Eli: People make it work yeah yeah no fucking rules to be tom and capitalism are you kidding we're one other point here that I want to talk about that I think is really important. And And I'm gonna do a lot of like literary interpretation on this sentence so forgive me if I'm misinterpreting what's going on listener but again you sent it to me and I talk talk about analingus so you knew you knew who you were when you emailed me my partner thinks that I should not entertain being friends if my friend doesn't like my partner this mostly comes up since my friend and I both go to the same rock gym there is only one in town and my partner doesn't want to feel left out while we are there the best case scenario is that your partner goes to that rock climbing gym with you your friend chooses not to engage with you when they are also there right which is a pretty significant sign that you should take pretty seriously but one interpretation

0:21:41 Thomas: Yeah.

0:21:41 Eli: Of that sentence that I want to acknowledge as wildly unhealthy is your partner does not like that you see that person at all and they feel left out that there there is an activity where you go and see that person. And I want to clarify, if that is the case, right? If your partner's not going to the gym with you, they just don't like that you go to the gyms and that person is there, that is controlling and manipulative and deeply unhealthy.

0:22:09 Thomas: I'm trying to parse that as well. I took it as like, OK, they don't want. Wait, who doesn't want to be left out? Year old can't go to that gym?

0:22:13 Tom: It's difficult yeah

0:22:12 Eli: So this... No, so, this mostly comes up since my friend and I both go to this same rock gym.

0:22:20 Thomas: Your friend.

0:22:21 Eli: There is only one in town. My partner doesn't want to feel left out while we are there right

0:22:28 Tom: So let's assume the at the rock climbing gym with the two 29 -year -olds.

0:22:33 Thomas: I confused me is why does it matter if there's only one rock gym in that sense?

0:22:37 Tom: Because they both have presumably, because I read that twice too. As I read it, it's because presumably he can't just go to a different rock climbing gym to appease his crazy controlling partner.

0:22:48 Eli: Which is obviously something that has at least been wafted in the air right if you're mentioning it right if your mentioning it the partner again in the best case scenario comes rock climbing with you and doesn't want to be in the gym with someone who has called out the power dynamic right

0:23:04 Thomas: Or the friend is like I'm not gonna be near that person because I'll punch them

0:23:08 Tom: I offer this too, though. Is entirely possible to have toxic friends who to fuck with your relationship. Right? That's possible. I don't think that that's what's likely to be the case here. I just want to kind of like pause and address that real quick. Like it's entirely possible to have toxic friends in your life who look for problems where problems don't exist because they're fucking drama seekers and those people are real. And those people like to drive wedges because it creates drama that they don't, that they get to sort of like dabble in or become a tourist in and then leave because it's not their crisis that then ensues. Those people suck. Those people are real. That's not likely to be what's the case here. I want to read this part out too. After Like they had this tension this guy had to move out, right? Moved in with a friend that happened to live within walking distance of my new job. I would not have been able to take this job without that friend offering me a room to rent and a stable place to get on my feet. Is not a casual buddy. This is somebody who has your best

0:24:10 Tom: Interests in mind, right? This is someone who has said, yeah, you're going through a hard time. Come sleep at my house. Let me offer you, like, room and board and, like. A stable place to be. What's

0:24:21 Thomas: I to leave the small probability that this person also could suck and is trying to take advantage of them just saying

0:24:25 Tom: Like, I'll throw it. But very likely.

0:24:28 Eli: Trying to fuck you the eli bosnack next story you what to do hit me up on patreon I'll

0:24:33 Tom: Very likely that person at least has your. Best interests at heart here,

0:24:36 Eli: Make tom raise your kids yeah

0:24:39 Tom: I think that person should get extra benefit of the doubt. I think people that have been there for you, they just earn that.

0:24:46 Eli: Implies that when you moved out your partner with whom you have a 31 year age gap kind of let you hanging in the wind when it comes to like a place to live like look I mean look tom's the only one here who has let me put it delicately failed at marriage um but like if my marriage ended tomorrow, I don't know how I'd feel. I'd probably be pretty sad, but I know that it would be really important to me that Anna had a place to stay, right? I would not need, she certainly could seek a place with her friends, but one of my priorities in that situation, no matter how I felt about her, would be her safety and well -being. If your friend had to let you move in, it seems like maybe your partner didn't do that so much.

0:24:57 Thomas: A that's weird thing who is 60 yeah yeah this whole thing is just a mystery I just want to know more what is happening here

0:25:33 Tom: Thomas is going to start writing back to the listeners. Like, it's not enough context here. I'm going to need a, yeah.

0:25:36 Eli: This is Thomas's cereal. And And cereal is actually Thomas's cereal. If you've been listening long enough, cereal is Thomas's cereal.

0:25:42 Thomas: That's true my this sentence I'm still going off on this sentence because the I'm fixated on is there rock gym in town thing is weird to me because like you could just go different days or different times or something and it's like my partner doesn't want to feel left out while we are there

0:25:55 Eli: That goes to my interpretation, right? Which is that I think your partner is not there, and just doesn't want you to see this person. Which, again, like, very few people in my wife's life who I... First of all, I've never forbidden them to say anything, everything or see anybody, but there's very few people in my wife's life who I've been like, that person's not a good friend to you. It's happened where I've be like, that person is not a good to you, but like, I haven't been tisking at activities. You know what I'm saying? When I hear that person going to be there, I don't like, make it an issue. And it feels like someone's been making it an issues.

0:26:05 Thomas: I see what you're saying yeah that's fucking yeah fucking weird

0:26:32 Tom: Yeah. And I, like, I think too, like that sentence also suggests possibly like, again, Again, here's somebody who, by all accounts, seems super fucking isolated, right? They don't have a lot of people they can go to. They don'T have a LOT of people. They can talk to and that they have like a loving trusting relationship with and like I do wonder too if there's a dynamic where anytime this person does something that doesn't involve their partner their partner feels left out and like if that's the case, that's that's not good. You can't have that like you have to be able to have things that are just yours like be insane if Haley was like, yeah, I'm going to go to this dance class or whatever with my friend. And I was like well I'm gonna feel left out of that. That would be fucking pathological.

0:27:12 Eli: I wouldn't.

0:27:14 Thomas: I'm not gonna go but if that friend's there you can't go that's fuckin what

0:27:15 Eli: You can't go. Yeah. I'm picturing Tom at a pole dancing class in a mustache be like loo loo my name is cr -cr -crom tur -turi

0:27:29 Thomas: Like it's much easier if you just take out the pole and just put it around you rather than you go around the pole

0:27:34 Eli: Why

0:27:35 Tom: Now I just have to spin.

0:27:35 Eli: Don't we ever lay the poles on the floor guys we should lay the poles on floor sort of roll around on top of them

0:27:41 Tom: These aren't as load bearing as I thought they would be.

0:27:43 Eli: Them with our crazy strength what's it like to see out of both eyes is it it that big a deal I feel like it's not I feel people are exaggerating now

0:27:55 Thomas: I suggest to this listener that examine might be going on here because this does feel not healthy this feels very potentially not healthy someone

0:28:01 Eli: I want to caution this listener right because if we are right and you make healthy steps and end this relationship for the rest of your life this healthy decision will have been prompted by the podcast your old dads and like really like I might write to like dear abby or someone I might get a more respectable tweet at noah maybe just get someone who talks about in a language less right right to thomas on sio right get a nice sio recommendation going you know michael

0:28:29 Thomas: Else to say it yeah like a man in a meeting get them to say the thing someone just said.

0:28:38 Eli: Hobbs agrees with with you know it's just I just think I don'T THINK MOST OF of the places you go for advice and information have to respond to most advertisers with you should listen to the show first huge

0:28:50 Tom: Want to ask a quick age gap question that's kind of just I'm wondering about with you guys do you think that age gaps when they're problematic do you think the gender in the age gap makes a difference right

0:29:02 Eli: Obviously

0:29:02 Thomas: I that we can say with 95 % certainty that the older person is a man for one. I mean, there's literally that French prime minister and that's it. It's just like almost always.

0:29:08 Eli: We found him yeah yeah

0:29:15 Thomas: If a crazy old age gap.

0:29:17 Tom: I I think it makes a massive difference. Yeah, I do. I want to, I just want to put that out there that I think that it just like, think a big age gap is probably not cash money in general, but that the level of not cash money exponentially grows when it is the dude that is significantly older. And I know that that's 99 % of them, but I'm also like, oh, I'm just like put out there that gender matters here. And even in gay relationships, the gender, obviously the gender matters.

0:29:42 Eli: Because because you'RE TAKING A POWER DYNAMIC right is already problematic between men and women most of the time right the time men makes more money than women right that's just how capitalism has fucked over women that's part of the patriarchy we're all in agreement about that right of time men come from more societal privilege in a billion different ways than women do they're heard more they're listened to more they had a better experience of education they get tickets less often like there's so many ways in which it is better to be a man than it is to be woman and then you add to that age privilege and probably economic privilege it's going to exaggerate that I'm not saying that those dynamics aren't problematic when it's a woman I'm saying we've put a hat on a hat and both of those hats suck yeah

0:30:27 Tom: Yeah, and I also think that there's something worth noting, that generally speaking, as men get older, their social sexual value increases with age, whereas the social sexual value of women tends to decrease with age. And so when you create an age dynamic like that, Like a really like upsettingly unbalanced age dynamic. You've really fucked with the power dynamic in yet another way. And as that woman, like as you see sort of like what are the things that somebody at that age is valuing the young lady for? Like, what is the probably the big thing that that person is valued for? That's something that that person will just begin to lose over time, you know, as this other person's sexual capital increases. And so, like, I think that also tells you something about that person and about the incredible vulnerability of the person that's younger in that scenario.

0:31:24 Thomas: To answer your question, Tom, if this is a dude porking Helen Mirren, then that's fine. Just saying. And then I realized, oh Helen Mirren's more like 80 so then I was trying to figure out who's 60 and then I looked on the internet and I was like oh Courtney Cox fuck what we're so old she's 60 yeah what has happened to time what Sandra Bullock is like that movie

0:31:40 Tom: Courtney Cox 60 years old? Holy cow.

0:31:48 Eli: Other dynamic that I want to talk about and gentlemen you might you might want to take a quick walk because I'm going to bring our listeners over to the Suck to Dick Corner. Sucked to Dick corner. It's the corner of the podcast just for people who have sucked a dick.

0:32:05 Eli: Hey, welcome to Suck the Dick Corner. I'm your host Eli Posnick. Um, there's a thing when you are a person who has sucked dicks and you have one. There's like a call me by your name situation that a lot of us grew up with. And for a lot of us, the love that dare not speak its name, right? That's what Oscar Wilde was talking about Walt Whitman, all that stuff. That's how we got introduced to elements of our sexuality. And we were told by a lot of people that that was bad. It was bad, it was naughty, it was sinful, it was evil. And I lived in upstate New York where people were pretty chill about the suck to dick corner, right? We often conflate the condemnation of bigots against homosexuality with the real problematic nature of that call me by your name dynamic because I don't know if you've shown a young person call me my name in the last 10 years doesn't do well doesn't hold up yeah and So I think there's a reason why I'm summoning you over here to suck the dick corner because I know everybody's gender here and I don't want to assume right but I will say that a lot of the time when I talk to my friends in the suck the dick corner or gay men or queer men or men who consider themselves to belong in the suck to dick corner. All are welcome in the sucked to dick quarter. The point is what a great thing. What is an open heart? Tom, get out

0:33:01 Thomas: Even 10 years old oh wow

0:33:28 Eli: Of here. Tom, you get the fuck out of there. You suck a dick. If you want to get in here. Lot of us are not having that conversation, because it's sort of how we got in the game and we haven't dealt with it. And it was a different time. And so when I talk about age gaps, especially among gay men, that sort of is the cloud that's not in the room. And it's okay to acknowledge that that might be part of the dynamic, that that is a structure of queer relations, of some queer relationships that may not necessarily be healthy. All right. Let's leave the suck to dick corner and see what the guys think Tom Thomas what'd you guys do besides not suck a dick out here when you guys you were just what you were sucking a dick missed out I think Tom was doing those push-ups where you clap in the center that's what I imagine tom was going oh

0:34:10 Thomas: Was just sucking yeah I don't know how to tell Eli I just don't want to be near him it's not really about the dick sucking the

0:34:22 Tom: It's got nothing to do with. Yeah that

0:34:23 Eli: So want a minor verse now it's a sad suck to dick corner yeah

0:34:27 Thomas: Sad version suck

0:34:29 Tom: Soup that reminds me when I was in college I had a gay friend named bill who would routinely was a fucking great looking guy and like he was routinely courted by much much much much much older men and like bill was my age like bill's 20, right? 2021 somewhere in that neighborhood when I met him and like bill thought it was awesome and these guys would like take him on a jet and fly him to greece and like I mean these are these fucking incredible cool experiences but like I look back on that now I'm like fuck man I know what 20 is and I know how young 20 is and I know that like there were a lot of dudes that were exposing bill to a lot of scenarios and situations and places where he was real fucking unsafe, like

0:34:37 Thomas: Your dick yikes

0:35:24 Tom: Real, real, real unsafe. And he would come back from some of these things and tell me these like harrowing stories where like he would have a fight with somebody over there and they'd be like, well, do you want to stay here? Cause I'll just leave you here. And he'd be like, Oh, and I, you know, so we had to like make up and spend the weekend, but like, I couldn't wait to get home and you're like holy shit man holy shit you spent the weekend fucking some old man so that he didn't take your passport and leave you halfway across the world stranded like there's a lot of weird shit that goes on in that scenario

0:35:57 Eli: When a community and this is look, we know this is true of all communities that have been ostracized when a community is generally ostracised. There's a lot of toxicity that creeps in because the mainstreaming of society that is supposed to say this is healthy, this is not is already lying to you about your relationship. So you don't get to develop those healthy boundaries in a lot of ways. And that doesn't even get into like the PNP culture and like the drug culture and all that kind of stuff. Like there's some, there's Some Not Cash Money stuff going on there. And it is, I know that when I speak to, it's fun. So I speak kink community that I sort of am in communication with is having a moment right now, which is weird because we don't talk to you normal people, is having a moment where we're all sort of like raising our hands and going like, wait a second. Hey, quick question for the room. Was this cool? And everyone's like, I don't think so. I think it was cool, but I don't think it was right. There's sort of a moment. And so it's happening because of a very specific author who sort of wrote a book. I mean, I won't get into the whole thing because it's kind of in community drama, but there was an author who wrote a book about her kink relationship who very recently wrote a, basically a blog being like, Like, yeah, you know, I don't think a lot of that was kink. I think some of it was abuse and we're like, oh, what about that? And I think this, we talked about this a little bit in the gaming episode and stuff like that, right? When you're rejected by the mainstream, sometimes the healthy boundaries that the mainstream is supposed to feed you don't get, um, in the way they should. I think what Tom is saying is don't be gay. If you are

0:37:34 Tom: Not at all what I said that

0:37:36 Eli: Really the message that Tom Curry is giving today is like being gay is wrong and shameful and he doesn't want you to do it alright gentlemen before we go what bird always warns if there's trouble a siren type of bird yeah

0:37:37 Tom: Is not what god damn it oh god that's That's not even Remolia.

0:38:06 Tom: Ren. A Ren. Yeah. Terrible. Literally a terrible, terrible joke.

0:38:08 Thomas: A siren putting the putting the emphasis on sigh I think was the wrong because I was like is a sigh a bird seem

0:38:14 Eli: You have notes okay well you're getting a boomer joke next week boomer joke everybody enjoy next week's boomer joke thanks to thomas

0:38:23 Thomas: To to remember a certain gazelle joke that got a similar note from Eli. That's

0:38:30 Eli: Comedic genius, I don't know if you've left it my jokes but I have and they're wonderful uh

0:38:40 Clip: Want to meet sexy DILFs in your area? Email the dads at DearOldDads.com or, better yet, send us a message on Patreon. You can follow us on all social media by checking the links in the show notes. And if you need more podcasts in your life, you can find Tom on Cognitive Dissonance, Thomas on Serious Inquiries Only, and Eli on Godawful Movies and all the Puzzle in the Thunderstorm shows. Dear Old Dads is edited and produced by my favorite DILF, Tom Smith who also wrote and recorded the intro music which is used with his permission. This podcast is a production of daddy issues llc copyright 2022 all rights reserved

0:39:22 Thomas: I had Elon Musk's child.

0:39:25 Eli: Can listen to the justin legal analysis of the Justin Baldoni trial for free. And then if I want a little juice in my booze, I can give you as little as a dollar over at patreon.com forward slash gavel, and I can get access. Boo! What? Someone took gavel?

0:39:36 Thomas: Pod pods shorter but yeah no you're probably it was a tough decision I didn't know which one to go with but

0:39:46 Eli: That's cool. No, it should be a thing that someone has to guess.

0:39:51 Tom: I hope to keep my fucking teeth for the next 20 years. Are you kidding me?

0:39:55 Eli: Sucked to Dick corner. The corner of the podcast just for people who have sucked a dick.