DOD178: I Think You Gave Me the Wrong Kid

Transcript

This transcript was generated automatically and may contain errors — the audio is the record.

0:00:29 Tom: To Dear Old Dads, the podcast that was switched at birth with a better podcast. I'm Tom Curry. I'm joined, as always, by Thomas Smith and Eli Bosnick. Hello, gentlemen.

0:00:39 Thomas: I been doing the wrong one?

0:00:40 Eli: Do we start out as one bad mother is that what happened damn it damn it

0:00:44 Tom: Can we switch back? That's the question I want to know is

0:00:47 Eli: No

0:00:48 Thomas: Depends on how old we are.

0:00:48 Eli: They're done we're filling the niche of the parenting podcast that says fuck you're

0:00:52 Tom: Want Fill The niche of the Patreon, uh, and the ad Like What? Yeah, that's. That's the niche I'm looking to fill these days.

0:00:55 Eli: Sure sure that case I would say we were switched to birth with call her daddy I would like one of the big I

0:01:03 Tom: Yeah. Oh, I was going to give you guys a Haley update because I know the listeners want to know, but I want to give you an update on this letter that I got. Going I'm to read you guys part of a letter I meant to do this.

0:01:10 Eli: Would actually prefer if you didn't thank you oh oh

0:01:17 Tom: Yeah, Yeah, dear Haley. We received a request from your provider for the coverage of services under your health benefit plan. All submitted clinical information was reviewed against the plan document and the utilization criteria adopted by the plan. This review indicated that the requested services are not covered under your plan and consequently your claim is denied. Denial of not approved for the entire inpatient stay for already called on it and I've begun the process of making not true, and I will make that not be true.

0:01:15 Thomas: Oh, wow. So

0:01:17 Eli: Walking

0:01:43 Thomas: Of 3D

0:01:44 Eli: Right

0:01:50 Thomas: You've started to learn the 3D printing process.

0:01:53 Tom: You've seen Luigi don't make Mario, like you are not

0:01:54 Eli: Where their ceo is going

0:01:58 Thomas: Yeah, that was the music I was doing, by the way, just in case the joke wasn't clear.

0:01:59 Tom: Yeah, What a great letter during a stressful time.

0:02:05 Eli: i'M LOOKING AT MY COPY OF THE LETTER HERE TOM AND I I DON'T WANT TO CRITICIZE HALEY OBVIOUSLY SHE'S GOING THROUGH A LOT BUT SHE DID WRITE INTO THE COMPANY FOR Or, quote, sick party drugs? I don't think... Maybe it's the language?

0:02:18 Tom: Right, yeah, I'm sure. No, a letter like this from your insurance company, when, like, the stress level is already a little on the high side around the old homestead, doesn't help, like that. Does not, like... Actually, I

0:02:29 Thomas: Yeah. Why haven't there been more murdered? Why haven't there been more in?

0:02:36 Eli: Because we indoctrinate children from an early age to believe a fiction of nonviolence that has nothing to do with history.

0:02:39 Thomas: Yeah. Yes. Oh, I was going to say a fiction of capitalism, but yeah, either the same thing, I guess.

0:02:45 Eli: We had to rewrite all of human history where asking nicely was how change happened. Otherwise, they knew we would kill and eat them.

0:02:46 Thomas: Yeah. God, that's true. That

0:02:54 Tom: Yeah. No part of that is wrong. No part of that is right. Know, like I talked to the guy on the phone, like, I, I did immediately call on that because like a five or six day stay in the hospital, it would just be like financially crippling, like for, for just about anybody, You know? Like there's, there's nobody, hardly anybody is writing a check for a five- or six-day stay in a hospital and being like, yeah, that was fine.

0:02:57 Thomas: Is absolutely true.

0:03:07 Eli: Of course! For everybody! Right. Jeff Bezos

0:03:14 Thomas: No. Yeah, that is.

0:03:15 Tom: That was fine. You

0:03:16 Thomas: That's like a month's worth of legal fees when you're in a. I wish I were joking. It's probably not as much as that.

0:03:20 Eli: Yeah

0:03:20 Tom: It probably is pretty much said, he's like, yeah, you know, so what's going to happen is, like, this will get denied and then we'll just have him recode it as a bunch of other bill codes. So this whole denial thing is part of the dance between the insurance company and the hospital right now. That I'm just getting letters for and

0:03:35 Thomas: Yeah? Yes. Every time time they just try to see, oh, can we get away with it? Because, because, Tom, who's gonna hold them accountable? I'm sorry, you can't I'm so sorry, I hate this so much. Who's, who's going to hold them accountable? There's

0:03:45 Tom: Yeah. Yeah. I know. Yeah,

0:03:55 Eli: How to Win a Time War, or how to lose a Time War, right, is that there are two evil nation states just making different forms of sci-fi soldiers and pitting them against each other, right? That's what hospitals and the health insurance companies are, right? Because the health insurances companies are like, deny, deny, work for the Megatron, and the hospitals are like, slither into the garden of Dufrat ought to. Oh, unfortunately your insurance has not replied to our missive in the space-time core quampantum. You must call them. No, you must call them! And, like, just in the middle, there's just a churn of human remains being like, at least I took the higher ground!

0:04:05 Tom: Dude.

0:04:35 Eli: Got to hold a model of a house once in kindergarten, so it's all worth it!

0:04:36 Tom: No,

0:04:40 Thomas: No, there's no disincentive. I, I understand, like even under the capitalist hellscape we are, like, which, that set that aside, even in the for-profit insurance model of, for private health care, there's basic, Tom, you talk about this all the time, basic behavior reinforcement or incentive or disincentive. If every time an insurance company tries to deny something, a certain percentage of it just works out and they get paid a bunch of money, and if it's total bullshit, here's what happens, that's it, that's all that happens not why wouldn't they always be doing it? And that's what they do, they just do it. I, ever since 2008, I was working the ophthalmology practice, and with a bunch of conservatives, by the way. He didn't make the connection around the time of Obamacare, but they were like, yeah, we have to just change, they change the forms every other month, because it's like, then they can say, oh, you, you had the wrong claim form, you know, for what? There's nobody's making

0:04:43 Tom: No. Not at all.

0:05:05 Tom: Yeah Yep. Exactly. Yep. Yeah.

0:05:10 Eli: That's it, yeah.

0:05:33 Thomas: The rules. There's no, oh yeah, the claim, you're right, because if you don't have the right claim form then the medicine doesn't work. No, it's just so they can have an excuse. It's just a fucking carnival game. That's all it is. It's nothing

0:05:43 Tom: Yep, all

0:05:43 Eli: Can I hit you guys with a hotter take? Is, do you ever feel like we're sitting around in Auschwitz being like, I gotta tell you, these gas chambers in can fucking cyst it. Like the other day, you remember he asked Moishe how many gold bars he had made. He said 10, shot him in the head. Today I made 11. He shot me in the foot. Like, I don't understand. Like maybe, maybe the problem is that we continue to exist inside the system, right? Right, like maybe we need a little Buchenwald sitch going on but

0:06:17 Tom: Yikes

0:06:19 Thomas: I think this is Eli's way of just ending the bit, like he just

0:06:19 Tom: Yeah,

0:06:22 Eli: Guys I

0:06:22 Tom: I think so I don't know where to go with that What

0:06:22 Thomas: He just he just Michael Scott did our improv, he just, like, pulled out a gun

0:06:26 Eli: Have a gun, guys you know the only thing better than the fact that that Taylor killed a room of 12 armed Nazi guards at Buchenvald, why it's our Patreon over at patreon.com forward slash dear old dads which can can eliminate and extinguish the Nazi guards of podcasting, by which we mean auto ads. Yes, the auto ads which we feed gently one by one into Tom's fiduciary machine so he can continue

0:06:28 Tom: I feel Is panicky

0:06:31 Thomas: Oh man that is awesome so

0:06:48 Tom: Yikes What?

0:06:58 Thomas: I can maybe

0:06:59 Eli: To give fake medicines

0:06:59 Thomas: Pay for his wife to be alive

0:07:02 Eli: To continue to be married, which I've said it before and I'll say it one more time, selfish, feel selfish. Yeah, I could have bought drugs with that, sandwiches, all sorts of stuff. Like I text you and Haley every morning when you wake up, usually by waking her disguised as a hospital nurse. Selfish. patreon.com .com forward slash dear old dads. Speaking of the medical system, you got a little story for us today.

0:07:13 Tom: Yeah, yeah I feel stupid I Selfish Yeah.

0:07:30 Thomas: I read An article that, and this is funny, I didn't even attempt to have Eli read this, and that's not a slam on Eli. This thing, I listen to it because I don't read, and the article is 45 minutes of audio. I'm sure Tom read the whole thing somehow still while negotiating whether his wife is allowed to live or die with a fucking, yeah He probably did.

0:07:41 Tom: Jesus Christ.

0:07:42 Eli: Oh, thank God. Surely he did, right? There's no way he would have assigned us as much homework as he has assigned us as a co-worker and not have attributed several sentences of this article to memory. Perhaps he'd be willing to go through a quick pop quiz on said article, and

0:07:52 Thomas: Laughing.

0:07:56 Tom: I.

0:08:09 Thomas: Yeah, no, I read an article and I thought, oh my god, this just had, it had so many fascinating issues because about an IVF mix-up. So like, I won't go through the whole thing again, it's 45 minutes. This is gripping tail, but these, uh, folks find out after, um, about, about a year, they're like, well, we got our miracle baby. Of course they're, they, these are people who really want to be parents. It's heartbreaking situation in so many ways. And, and they've through the miracle of medical science and a billion dollars, I'm sure that some asshole tried to not pay or whatever. And the insurance company, they eventually, you Know, are able to, to have a, have a job and you child doesn't exactly look like, you know, necessarily their child. And Um, it's kind of tricky. It's not like super obvious, but like the families are like, it doesn't seem like it looks like the guy at all, which obviously that creates some, some awkwardness, but I'm sure people all knew it was IVF hopefully.

0:09:00 Eli: Fucking tough to cheat that at IVF, let me tell you. That's a real, you know, this is not a mailman situation. This is a this is an Ocean's 11 s cup switch. Yeah, this is uh, you got to have a little guy folded up inside a box where you, you put the specimen into. It's a whole thing. Last

0:09:17 Tom: Yes.

0:09:04 Thomas: Yeah. You like to make that happen. Yeah, yeah. But But it was different enough. Was African-American, but I think one of them was Asian. So it was enough where they're like, yeah, this doesn't seem right. I think both couples were sort of mixed ethnicity a little bit. But they were like, ugh. And it's funny because it talks about friends being like, I don't want to say anything. It's like, would you?

0:09:41 Thomas: I think I wouldn't ever say anything in a million years.

0:09:41 Tom: What would you say? What

0:09:44 Thomas: Not in a billion years.

0:09:45 Tom: Would you say like, hey, that doesn't look like your baby.

0:09:48 Thomas: Think one of their moms was like, yeah, it doesn't, it took like one of the, you know, like one or their moms to be like, I don't think that's, you know, somebody who always just says the thing.

0:09:57 Tom: He's got your number of arms.

0:10:00 Thomas: Yeah.

0:10:00 Eli: Name.

0:10:00 Tom: That's good. Yeah.

0:10:00 Eli: Only

0:10:01 Thomas: Yeah. And so what happens is I, I don't remember the details cause I didn't read it. Tom made me read it and I, no, I'm just kidding.

0:10:09 Tom: Nope.

0:10:09 Thomas: I, it's, I, I listened to it like way back when I was wrapping Christmas presents, whenever that was.

0:10:14 Eli: Best for you, podcast listener, between me and Tom, not reading it, and Thomas half remembering it.

0:10:16 Thomas: Um, no.

0:10:21 Tom: I even see it in this slack with

0:10:21 Thomas: We're not a book show fucking nerds. No, because they eventually figured out and they, the IVF people are like, you're okay. And it turns out they've switched embryos. So they switched them and the people, the couples, couples. You know, that's not a real baby you're raising.

0:10:40 Eli: Son of a bitch.

0:10:46 Thomas: And they switched them. And so the couples that turned out there, this is a California story. They both live in, I think somewhere in Southern California, but they lived near ish. And so imagine I just, I, there's so many issues here, but around the year of one, the age of one, and might've been one, one and a half by the time it's all said and done, they figure this out. You realize that your baby is not your baby and you've been raising a different baby that, and there's another couple that's been raising your, I guess, genetically baby, I'll say, because, you know, if it was an adoption situation, you'd be like, "Yeah, that's your baby." And that's, you find that out and it's like, they're like a year old, let's say the baby's a year older, and I just, right when I heard that, I was like, "My, my God, that's just such a, like, bundle of, like, weird, potentially, like..." But what do you do? Do you have the impulse of

0:10:37 Tom: Crystals did they notice right yeah

0:11:31 Thomas: Like, yeah.

0:11:31 Tom: Like what if you meet like your actual baby and and you like you don't like him as well you know what I mean like what if you like if the two couples get together and you're just like well let's I don't know it's like I want to meet my and you just meet your biological kid you're not feeling it you know I'm just not I like this other one better like I it turns out I don't make good babies

0:11:45 Eli: Yeah. Right.

0:11:34 Thomas: Oh yeah. Yeah. Yeah, the one you have is already like playing the violin at a precocious level.

0:11:50 Tom: Right like

0:11:51 Eli: You have like a genius and

0:11:52 Tom: You make better babies than I I didn't make a good baby I made this shitty one

0:11:56 Eli: Then the other baby is is wearing a mega hat and like like won't use anything for a rattle except a Monster Energy can. Used to be married to your wife.

0:12:01 Tom: Compulsively

0:12:07 Thomas: Oh boy, stupid.

0:12:11 Eli: Okay. So did I tell you guys about compulsively signing Max when he was born?

0:12:11 Thomas: Compulsively

0:12:17 Tom: Signing him you

0:12:17 Thomas: Signing him Oh

0:12:18 Eli: I signed Max the minute he came out, and

0:12:21 Thomas: Like you autographed your own kid?

0:12:21 Tom: The word max

0:12:23 Eli: Wrote my name on my baby's foot, and they were like, oh no, we use this little bracelet thing, and I was like, the fuck you do, lion piece of shit that comes right off, doesn't it? Some scissors and another bracelet, suck a dick. I know what my handwriting looks like, so I signed my baby, and they were like, okay, we're gonna go bathe them now, and I was like, I'll come, and they were like, okay, because I was already the guy first of all I'd made a fuss because of Big Chungus, which we've already talked about on air, but I was apparently not a team player because fucking the Undertaker split my wife in half.

But then I was like, all right, let's go bathe the baby. They finished bathing the baby, which was really, I gotta say, like, of, you know, these moments, I always think about that, that blanket in the ambulance for Arlo and these moments of kindness where someone, like, reaches out and it is kind to your child and you're like, I love you forever. One of those moments for me, obviously I'm full of love, uh, at the time, but one of those moments for at washing my baby, right? She was obviously very lovingly washing a newborn child, right? This was not Tom's medical experience

0:12:23 Thomas: Oh my God Oh my God, oh my

0:12:32 Tom: Dunk

0:12:48 Thomas: Oh Yeah Oh

0:13:34 Tom: Dunk

0:13:34 Eli: Where the nurse comes in leaves him at the bottom of the sink and then just like puts it on spray mode and just up and down, back and forth, he seems a little fat hands him back to me. Does she wash the baby, right? She gives him to me into town, she's like, you you gently rub, keep in mind this skin's very sensitive right now, and I, like, take the Sharpie out, and she's like, are you gonna sign your baby again, and I was like, yep,

0:13:35 Thomas: Yeah

0:13:36 Tom: Dunk this is Christ I throw him in a dishwasher but in it sanitize it'll be be fine eyelids

0:13:56 Thomas: The toxic fumes of the ink like Oh my

0:14:01 Tom: Forehead

0:14:02 Eli: Yeah, and, I just kept, I can't tell you how many times I just keep signing the baby, so that when we got him home, and gave him his first bath, he had, I'm not kidding, like seven signatures on him, in various places, cause just whenever there was exposed skin, I was, like that's my baby

0:14:15 Thomas: My God Dude, you know we often rib Tom we often make fun of Tom for having stories so insane, and like, we're on year whatever, three or something, of this show, and we're like, wow, how have I had not heard that story? But you know Dark horse, Eli's insanity, because I, you've talked about having Max a lot, and I've never heard this particular bit of absolute insanity, just pure your fucking

0:14:20 Eli: Yeah

0:14:21 Tom: Whatever yeah

0:14:41 Eli: We haven't even gotten around to Tom wrestling CM Punk yet, and we know that's a thing from another program Yeah Exactly Well

0:14:43 Thomas: Yeah I think that was it, yeah, that that originated on this show but day and age over here in California and civilization, you have a baby, you have your own room, the baby stays in your room with you the entire time. There's

0:14:57 Eli: Our, we were in an operating room, so I don't think they would have let us stay.

0:15:00 Tom: It's different too like because when Eamon was born he was in the NICU so like because was young he was like uh six weeks preening

0:15:01 Eli: Yeah

0:15:04 Thomas: That is different but they used to have the hospitals where they take them into just a farm of babies, right? Or at least in the movies

0:15:07 Tom: Yeah well that yeah they got to hook them up to the matrix early yeah they gotta plug them in otherwise

0:15:13 Eli: And there's a little window Yeah Right

0:15:12 Thomas: Yeah they have to plug them into the non-violence, uh Sorry we need to play this uh audio tape about how Martin Luther King just asked really nicely

0:15:18 Tom: Yeah yeah that's

0:15:20 Eli: Yeah, uh Yeah Yeah Never heard of John Brown. You've never heard of John Brown? You've never heard of John Brown, um

0:15:31 Thomas: I misunderstood. I thought you were saying they took him away for stuff from your room from time to time. I didn't think so. You were talking about the operating room. Signed him like eight times. So that's why I said that.

0:15:40 Eli: No they took him away all the time they fucking fucked off with that baby constantly. Yeah, because he was a little escape artist when, when he was all wrapped up. That The nurses were like, we tried, like, nine times, and I was like, hey, I paid really close attention during that childbirth class, I can't do this, and she was like, oh, I got this, motherfucker, and then she fuck it, she put him in a little straight jacket, he was not getting out of that shit. This is great

0:15:42 Thomas: Yeah,

0:16:02 Tom: Oh like the like like bundle them up or whatever yeah yeah well

0:16:03 Eli: Yeah Pro

0:16:04 Thomas: Oh, yeah. They're so good at that. I love that. They they make just an envelope for your kid that just perfectly seals your your, your infant. It, yeah you're

0:16:06 Eli: Level bundling Yeah and then they hermetically seal it. Okay.

0:16:14 Tom: So Thomas on this story like I go back to the story like because I I didn't read the story I should double check the slack I

0:16:18 Thomas: Telling me none of what Eli was talking about was related to the topic we were gonna do legally

0:16:22 Tom: But like quick legally speaking did it say who who's like who's

0:16:27 Thomas: Speak. Oh Well, fortunately, okay, so that's, that's my first, that's great thought. Imagine the possibilities here. Like, imagine, well, we sort of joked about, imagine you want to switch the other couple, doesn't that'd be fucked, or or vice versa

0:16:38 Tom: Right hey

0:16:38 Eli: You don't want to switch the other couple, does, yeah

0:16:40 Thomas: Exactly or any of that, like, and, and one thing that was really like, just funny, but just like, so all of it was about the mothers. Like, all of it was like, and the mom felt this impossible guilt, and the dad was like, well, whatever you want. It's like, not really, but no,

0:16:55 Eli: Yeah

0:16:56 Tom: A baby's a baby you know what I mean they got uh after

0:16:58 Eli: Oh.

0:16:58 Thomas: It sort of, but, but like, honestly, isn't that how we would be like it? Not Not, in that dismissive way, but we, the three of us, imagine we're in this exact situation. We'd be like, well, what kind of matters is like, you wife

0:17:02 Eli: A hundred percent I

0:17:11 Tom: A year I don't know like I'm I'm pretty much like hey hon whatever you want to do on this one but like after a year with something that a person I've been raising as my own I don't know that I'd be like whatever you want to do babe like I don'T KNOW THAT THAT'S LIKE

0:17:24 Thomas: It's not so much that it's more that, like, okay, what's going to matter, that was me joking, what's gonna matter is the mother's feelings and emotionally dealing with this, like, that's what, that's like the thing you're going to have to work around is going to be that, because that's such a tough, tough thing to go through, like the Whole thing's impossible. Exactly.

0:17:25 Tom: NO YEAH YEAH YES THE WHOLE THING'S IMPOSSIBLE THE WHOle THING I GENUINELY LIKE MY FIRST THOUGHT WAS LIKE YOU'VE GOT TO GET ALL THE PARENTS TOGETHER TO GO TO LIKE QUAD COUPLES COUNSELING OR SOMETHING LIKE LIKE IF THEY WERE CLOSE BY THAT WOULD BE THE BEST THING TO DO IS TO TRY TO FIGURE OUT together to path forward on this because I can't even imagine like there would be a part of me that would be like yeah of course I want my biological child for for some very practical reasons you know like like we have we have a shared genetic history that like may actually medically matter but like after a year of raising a baby I'd be like that's fucking my baby like I'm sorry I have an asian baby or whatever like fine it's fine like that'S MINE I

0:17:50 Thomas: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So hard. Yeah.

0:18:17 Thomas: I know. I don't. Yeah, it's tricky, man.

0:18:21 Tom: Don't know that I would be like, yeah, I'm going to turn it over.

0:18:21 Thomas: Do you feel that way? Wow. Here's my question to you. My first question to your guys was going to be, obviously, it's discovered a week later, it is like, oh yeah. Okay. Just swap the baby. I mean, obviously you'd feel a little weird about it. Yeah it's like, Oh, okay. I barely even even use this one, like here's just, but, but like, and five years you're fucking way, like, that's, this is what it is. I was wondering what that time felt like for you guys, like what feels like that switch over time where it's like, but

0:18:33 Tom: I'm not invested already. Yeah, that's fine. Yeah yeah.

0:18:49 Eli: Feel, it's the newborn forest, right? Three months is the end of the newborn forest, right? It truly stops just becoming a slug that cries, right? Like it's still really really a slag that cries but they're right

0:18:58 Thomas: That just turns into like a frog that cries, you know, it doesn't get that much better

0:19:01 Eli: But it's it's a frog and

0:19:02 Thomas: Yeah

0:19:02 Tom: Yeah until its tail falls off. It's yeah.

0:19:05 Eli: Yeah think three months is where you go, okay, it's kind of a person now. That's my cutoff.

0:19:05 Tom: Right.

0:19:13 Thomas: So and you wouldn't switch back. So imagine you have another baby and then you, see Max is somewhere. Max is just out there somewhere. And they're like, Hey, we want to switch back or something. You're just like, Nope, man.

0:19:15 Eli: Mm -hmm right I'd be like, nah. Nope you can't have him you

0:19:28 Tom: I don't think I'd switch back.

0:19:29 Thomas: That's rough.

0:19:29 Eli: Can have him if you try to get him, I'm gonna kill you and anyone you bring. That's

0:19:33 Thomas: Wow. Really?

0:19:35 Tom: I feel. Yeah, I feel similarly, like I feel like you hand me a baby and now it's mine to take care of and that's mine. Yeah, and, and now I start doing this baby. I start bonding with this baby and I start taking care of it and feeding it and, like, holding it and singing a little fucking songs and doing all the, like, things you do to feel love. And, like, if really no other analogy that works in any way at all.

0:19:40 Eli: My baby. Oh,

0:19:51 Thomas: Yeah. Yeah. I hear all that. I heard all that It's impossible. It's

0:19:58 Tom: There's no other knowledge that works. But like, yeah, this is the baby that I've grown to love. Like the other baby has my genetics, but one's mine the

0:19:58 Thomas: Possible. Yeah, it really is. For sure. For sure. That's the part I was going to say. Okay, so that was the thing I was gonna say, Tom, and maybe that that doesn't impact you the way it would to me because it wouldn't be so much like, oh, this baby that I've raised isn't mine. That that's not the thought I would have. It would be like, oh, shit, my baby is out there. I it wouldn' be like oh, I want to get rid of, I'd be like no, I love this child and that's a heartbreaking situation.

0:20:27 Tom: Is, they both feel like yours, right?

0:20:28 Thomas: Exactly, but like I I'm just saying it wouldn't be very easy for me because I would feel like oh no, my baby's out there and someone else has my baby and that's a tough thing to feel. I don't like that. That would be a hard thing.

0:20:38 Eli: See that would be dope as shit for me and my jeans, right? Because statistically I just won, oh, I'm sorry, did you end up with these jeans? Like, imagine you walk into that room with those other parents and you see me and you realize the genetics you just got. Stuff, imagine see my just eating second of two Veggie Delight sandwiches and just of lettuce in my beard, and you go, oh, this guy's kid is who I'm gonna raise. Just

0:20:44 Thomas: Oh man. Oh god. Oh, man.

0:21:01 Tom: Back sees Tracy's backsies.

0:21:17 Eli: I would, I would text that guy all that, once they agreed to keep my baby, suckers, I would text them all the time and I'd be like, hey Diane and Joel, it's Eli. I'm eating while I dictate this voice memo to you, um, three or four. He's gonna get sad. That's the end of the message. I just thought you guys would like to know, um, good luck. I

0:21:33 Thomas: Oh, no. Oh, boy.

0:21:24 Tom: Oh God God, I feel Like, I feel like part of this question, like, depends on like whether or not you really ever felt that strong biological imperative. So like part of I think and Thomas correct me if I'm wrong, but I'm like feeling like there's a like a big difference between you and I because like I never had a biological imperative to a kid like I never felt the urge to have a kid. I just had kids. But like, once I had a kid, it was like, all right, well, here's this like little person and this responsibility, and like, I had all these attendant feelings as a result of this, but I never had the biological, like, drive to have kids. I think you very much did. I think vous very much felt that biological imperative, and so like, I wonder if a lot of your ties to your specific genetics sort of, like, you know, resultant from that biological imperative. Does that make sense?

0:22:30 Thomas: Not sure if, I'm sure. I'm just not sure that phrasing, I really wanted kids, as biological is necessarily like a guaranteed move. You know what I mean? Like, is there any way to want kids, are you just calling that biological if you have any desire for kids, or

0:22:45 Tom: I think that there's a lot of reasons that people want to have kids. And there is the, I think for a lot of people, there is just this sort of baseline drive to procreate. And that is just this biological imperative that's built into all animals that has nothing to do with like, oh, I want, you know, I have thoughts about raising them and I have a desire to be a dad in this specific, like, lifestyle-changing way. Those are like kind of after the fact to some degree. All animals for the most part have an impetus to procreate.

0:22:48 Thomas: -huh Huh No. I agree. I just wouldn't, was wondering how you're characterizing what you're considering my drive to have kids, because I felt all those things together, probably really, I felt like all those. Yeah.

0:23:17 Tom: Yeah.

0:23:27 Tom: And I don't know that they can be pulled apart necessarily.

0:23:29 Thomas: Like I always wanted to have children, and I wanted to be a dad and to do all, like, that's that too, but I've always, I've talked about, I'm not calling, I'm you out or, or anything. I was just wondering how thinking about that. Talked about like, there's definitely the component where you look at the kid and it's like, yeah, that's my kid. That's our, that's, it's not just me. It's also Lydia. Like it's also your favorite person has created this, you know, half of this kid's genetics. And that process of, you, that really like loving process of recognizing your baby in that way is a powerful thing for sure.

And, and to be sure, it's it's also not the only thing in parenting, but like for me, it certainly is part of it. Yeah, no, for sure. But I wouldn't say that it's like, oh, I had a biological urge, you you Know, I also have always just wanted to be a dad and have kids. All, like you said, I think It's all combined. I don't know if I could really separate it, but I you connect that? Do you think, Like, cause Tom, you I just messaged us that your your, clone is actually a better model than you just

0:23:29 Tom: Yeah. Yeah.

0:24:23 Tom: For real.

0:24:23 Thomas: Beat you in arm wrestling. A thing that I think is impossible. And I would like to see for, know for sure. Like, imagine instead you got one of my wiener kits. Imagine you got a total wienerkit. No, I'm just kidding. But to ask a serious question, part of that is like part of the just amazingness of having kids is like, wow, chip off the old block. You when it comes to you guys, here's two blocks who can fucking lift a lot of weight, just absolute shit ton of weight. And it's like, well, kind that's of that's your kid, you know?

0:24:46 Tom: Yeah. But Like, I guess I, I feel like, like I can speak to that a little bit as a step parent too, because like, as a step parent, I feel an intense love and bond with my definitely not biological kids. Like Donovan and Aislinn are, they don't look like me. I didn't, you know, had no part in creating those kids. Physically very different, you, like, I take care of them. I,

0:25:16 Thomas: Course. That's Why I phrase it the other way. It's not saying, oh, this is not my kid. It's saying, Oh my kid is out there. I That's, just want to make clear. That's kind of the point I'm making.

0:25:25 Tom: Yeah. No. And I, I genuinely don't Know how, I Don't know how I would feel about that. I don'T know that I would be that worried about it for me, but maybe I'm crazy. Maybe I would be super worried about

0:25:29 Thomas: Yeah. Have a little mini Tom walking around somewhere out there in society with God knows who could be Eli as his parent. You don't know, you don't Know what's happening And you wouldn't have a, like, especially with how much, your, like, kids look like it's that, I think, you know, we said it from the beginning. There's no good answer here. There's, it's not like there's some answer where you're like, hey, we're all great, this all worked out better, you know, I'm glad it happened, no That's not, that's it, but that, that would haunt me, I think, to know that, like, that my kid was out there

0:25:42 Tom: Yeah. No.

0:25:51 Tom: Yeah. Yeah, right.

0:26:02 Eli: I mean, good prank on my part, but I think what I would ask for, and let me be vulnerable, let me open my heart, I think I'd be like, I want to fight someone in your organization. There has to be a person Right, yeah.

0:26:16 Thomas: The other parent the IVF Oh Okay, yeah.

0:26:19 Eli: Yeah, yeah, no, not the other parent. I'd be like, there has to be a person, right? Because this is all like records kept and blah, blah, blah. You're not hurling things around back there. So you probably have a pretty good idea of who messed up and when. And I and this other dad, and I don't want to speak for you, sir. Nice to meet you, by the way. Watch out for depression and IBS. Would like to fight that person.

0:26:19 Thomas: For sure. Yeah. Yeah Hi

0:26:40 Eli: Now, they can fight back. I'd prefer they fight back, but if you could, like, give me their name and their picture so I could sort of do a Most Dangerous Game situation, we could leave the lawyers out of this, right?

0:26:40 Thomas: I think

0:26:41 Tom: Still

0:26:53 Thomas: That might work Because, yeah, you're, otherwise you're getting millions of dollars, like, obviously it they ultimately, they settled, both couples settled with the company, God knows what that amount is, they didn't say because that's obviously part of of the settlement and

0:26:57 Eli: God that's such a sweet deal For me, I get someone else's genetic baby and 10 million dollars and

0:27:11 Tom: Doing

0:27:07 Thomas: To hunt someone for sport, apparently. Yeah. But I I imagine Eli pitching that to the company, and they're like, that's out of the question, but how much would you just just curious how much was he knock off

0:27:21 Tom: It out

0:27:13 Eli: To hunt someone for sport. It's the best out of the question you know they're sending you out of it. There's no hospital in America that's not

0:27:23 Tom: Of the question.

0:27:23 Thomas: No yeah I'm like that that's part of the quest, just curious how much wood you knock off the settlement if we were able this is this total out of, of the question thing which

0:27:30 Eli: What are we talking about here is this like a hunt to the death thing, or you're just gonna sort of, like, give him a couple of, you know, chickens? We're mad at him too. I gotta tell you, Chris. Oh, did I say his name? Oh I said his first name, my bad. So I do know his name, I do know his knee, I do no his name 30

0:27:42 Thomas: We had discussed a 50 million dollar settlement, but this is, you're suggesting something just out the pale, that we would reduce it to, say, 30 and also give you the name and address of this fellow that

0:27:56 Eli: And I already gave you Chris's name, that

0:28:01 Thomas: One was on bond me, that's for free that's on us.

0:28:02 Tom: No.

0:28:03 Eli: Was Um that was good, that was good, but I could save you so much googling

0:28:06 Thomas: Yeah. I and another reason this article really stuck with me, because for me, that time period, they were right about at it. Like, year is like a pull that's close to as late as I would even think about maybe doing something like this. You know, like I, if it was two, I don't think, I Don't think you're doing it. I, I, yeah.

0:28:08 Eli: Oh

0:28:24 Thomas: Yeah.

0:28:22 Tom: You can't you can, that's

0:28:25 Thomas: Yeah. My

0:28:25 Tom: Like know what else to say other than, like, it would feel like they're both your kid, like as much as, I, I understand the appeal of wanting that, like, my genetic kid, I just can't imagine being like, well, this morning I'm gonna wake up and I'm going to put clothes on this baby I've been raising for a year and hand it to somebody else forever. I just couldn't imagine doing that, like, I could not hand off no I couldn't do it

0:28:30 Thomas: Yes. A hundred percent.

0:28:44 Thomas: Yep.

0:28:50 Eli: Should caveat that we, uh, this is not about Remy because I think we could all agree

0:28:54 Thomas: Yeah, no, of course we had a no Remy's. Oh man. Remy is finally my kid, whatever age he is now.

0:28:55 Eli: No Remy No Remy, Remy, know Remy, that's actually what the Smiths say when they fuck right before Thomas comes: no Rami's, no Ramy's, no Remi's, no remy's now wait

0:29:02 Thomas: Oh God, no God. Ramy is he's finally, man. He's finally doing it. He is so cute. He is God. When he is not screaming, he is the cutest. He so fucking cute. You know, okay. OK, I got to tell you this one just for fun, just just because the Remy, the Ramy bashing has been rough there. The cutest thing.

0:29:25 Eli: Wait wait, the Remy bashing or the Ramy, because I don't want this turned around on me. Don't be in a therapy session somewhere with 21 year-old Remy I

0:29:28 Thomas: No, no, it's not. No, nope. I'm not turning around on you. I'm turning around Onme and saying I would like to say a fun thing about Remy because the poor guy.

0:29:39 Eli: Know that I'm comfortable with that

0:29:42 Thomas: So after we, they do, um, skating or one, it just depends, we take, we get them, we get them Happy Meals because these kids are fucking spoiled piece of shit, and we, and we, they got, they've gotten more Happy Meals than they've ever got, yeah, every single, like, week they get a new fucking toy from a Happy, Tom, how many Happy Meals did you have as a kid?

0:29:52 Eli: You splurge on a Happy Meal Do you top

0:30:00 Tom: Oh, my dad didn't do McDonald's. He liked Burger King, we'd go to Burger King but very rarely

0:30:02 Thomas: Yeah, exactly. Oh, Burger King.

0:30:03 Eli: Okay I just, like to bring the voice of sanity and say that Happy Meals are not a nice thing just my

0:30:05 Tom: Yeah they

0:30:05 Thomas: Whoa. Yeah, they are, though. My dad is the inverse of your dad in the in the fast food wars, because my dad was always McDonald's, never Burger King guy. Maybe I'm glad they didn't meet. They would have not done anything, but they

0:30:20 Tom: Would have, yeah they wouldn't have, it would have, they would have imploded like matter and anti -matter

0:30:22 Thomas: Could have fought. Yeah. Yes. But I got maybe like two, two

0:30:25 Eli: Dad was an Arby's guy in case, in case anyone's wondering about there and TV land,

0:30:28 Thomas: Fucking happy Happy Meals, you

0:30:27 Tom: Wait your dad was an Arby's guy

0:30:30 Thomas: Ever ate fast food? I thought you were too good for it.

0:30:33 Eli: For 555. you kidding me? Dad ate nothing but fat. Cause mom made us eat vegetables and fucking Koi pond shit. Every But when she was gone for a month, Oh man, we were just on, we were on fucking top of it. Are you getting, when they invented the party box at Taco Bell, I thought we were going to move in. I thought We were just going to live there.

0:30:34 Thomas: Oh, okay. Oh, Koi Pond shit.

0:30:40 Tom: Koi pond shit.

0:30:55 Thomas: Man, for sure. I do want to move there still. So we noticed that whenever Remy would see the Minions on TV, on whatever, Disney, whatever the fuck, he'd say, boogers, boegers. And we're like, what the fuck are you talking about? You know, like he's got some weird words. We're like what is this? And then Lydia, to her credit, figured out, oh, the Happy Meal toy is always Minions, so he thinks they're called burgers.

0:31:21 Thomas: And to this day, still, it's been like, I don't know, half a year. He still calls the fucking Minions burgers. It's so funny. He'll be like, burgers. I'm like, yeah. Every time he's gotten a Minion, he's also gotten a burger. So how would he?

0:31:22 Tom: Burger Yeah.

0:31:34 Thomas: It's that famous, like, philosophy thought experiment, like how if every time you you get a burger, there's a Minion, how do you know which one's the Minion, which one is the burger? That's can't

0:31:43 Eli: I don't even know

0:31:38 Tom: Which one's the burger burger

0:31:43 Eli: Which one's the burger.

0:31:44 Thomas: Be done. We need, uh, what's his, now what's this fucking, wait did, what's -his -name die? Hold on, did, what's -his name die? No.

0:31:44 Eli: Yeah. Dwight the Mint in the office. Remy? I feel like

0:31:52 Thomas: The last the horseman who didn't suck no yeah.

0:31:48 Tom: Yeah you would have known if

0:31:52 Eli: He would have told us. Daniel Dennett. He

0:31:55 Thomas: Did he die?

0:31:55 Eli: Did die.

0:31:55 Thomas: He did die. Oh, wow, it's been a rough time. I forgot about that, but anyway, we need Daniel Dan's ghost to, uh, solve this one for us. No, um, Remy's super, but yeah, this is like around the latest time, but here's, here was my other thought. I think what this moment would need is a very committed and serious reframing, because here's the other thing. Oh shit, I didn't tell you this one of the couples, I think it was only one of the couples, had another kid, and so they had the, the of like, oh, older sister is like, wait, my you sibling, this person is gonna leave, and that would be also really, really hard, but that was why in my, in my head I thought, okay, I think I would do what these couples did, which is they started meeting up, they would just meet up and have a little play dates to see how they felt, and basic I'll

0:31:56 Eli: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

0:32:40 Tom: Start swinging together, I'm, I'm hanging up, like, I, I know you guys, and if they starfucking I'm done with the show.

0:32:45 Thomas: Be honest in that situation.

0:32:46 Eli: Close -minded.

0:32:46 Thomas: Tom, a commune is like not, um, the worst option, like that's just a way of to, that's the way to have it all, like a quadruple of just like it is it is I'll

0:32:50 Eli: Ooh! That's a great solution! Do you see how you limit yourself, Tom? Do you See how you Limit Yourself? You and your fellow monogos?

0:32:58 Tom: There you go.

0:32:59 Thomas: Be honest. It's it's not the word, like, think back. Okay. Tom, if you don't want to go that, that route, think, think back, think back to like five minutes ago when society wasn't shaped the way that capitalism in this country has shaped it. And you had like multifamily kind of multi-generational households. You had different, you know, you might have like, it's almost like a cousin situation or something that would be like the ideal of this.

0:33:04 Eli: Get to get fucked in the ass by another guy? Lots of benefits.

0:33:08 Tom: Right. Yeah.

0:33:22 Eli: Fuckin' your cousins. Sorry, I lost the thread a little bit. What did we say?

0:33:26 Thomas: Oh, sorry. You didn't do the reading. No. That would would be like the ideal way to to remedy to remedy this in a way that would like kind of still maintain something normal is, oh yeah, those are the cousins and we live real close, you know, like right next to each other. It's like, but I thought, especially it occurred to me when they were trying to explain it to the, like, three-year-old or whatever, the older sibling, where I was like, okay, if and you're gonna do this, you gotta, I think you gotta have a really solid reframing, which would be deathly traumatic to me.

Like I would be like, this is fucked. Like this whole thing is fucked, I can't believe this is happening. So I was think, you tell the 3 - year - old, yeah, this we rescued this baby. We were watching this baby . We were, like Like it a caring thing. Yeah. We were taking care of this, this for this year to make sure they were okay. And someone else was taking care OFAR child to make sure they're okay. And now that they're, okay.

We still get to see them all the time, but like, you would have to reframe it real hard in that way. You know, like you'd have to turn it into, I was just thinking like, what do you tell this three -year -old? What would I tell Phoebe if it was Arlo?

0:33:28 Tom: Right.

0:34:25 Eli: Okay. Here's my plan. Here's, you've decided that you're going to switch the babies, right, in however many months or weeks or whatever. Because you've got to plant the seed fast, right? And you're like, you until the kid does something bad, right? And you get down on their level and you're, like, honey, hitting at preschool, you're gonna change your brother. All right, so when little boys and little girls are bad, right, their little brothers sort of absorb all that naughtiness and they're gonna change and it'll happen really fast, right? Kind of like Santa comes, right? Like Santa. Yeah, it'll be just like Santa. It's just one night we'll wake up and and the bad baby will be here and we'll never be able to get rid of the bad baby

0:35:03 Tom: The bad baby

0:34:48 Thomas: Oh my God. And you just don't say anything. Thing after that You have to gaslight the kid. What are you talking about?

0:35:07 Eli: Right? Then you switch. And then then you're like, what are you talking about? When they're like, the bad baby, you're like, we never said anything about the bad baby. But then you hold perfectly still and you droop your mouth open for a little bit and you're like, huh? What what would you say, and and Then your, your kids in psychosis their whole life.

0:35:21 Thomas: What's there? Yeah. Okay, no, that's one, that's one solution. God.

0:35:30 Eli: It's like a Drew Barrymore thing, how she thought ET was real. Like, you have a real opportunity here to throw a good pitch.

0:35:30 Tom: This is that is don't wait

0:35:36 Thomas: And then she's flashing David Letterman, you know, there's it's a straight line.

0:35:40 Eli: This is right.

0:35:40 Thomas: I'm thinking weird shit like that. Oh, come on, how do you not know this? Most famous clip. Jesus.

0:35:43 Tom: She flashed David Letterman. I know this. Okay.

0:35:48 Thomas: Here's the thing.

0:35:40 Eli: Yeah. Come on, Tom. Attached to public culture. Jesus.

0:35:50 Thomas: All right, let's talk about that. That's more important in this issue. I had completely forgotten about that until I saw a Reddit post about it. And I realized that I'm, I think I'm her age or maybe I'm a little, I'm probably younger. No, we're, are we younger than her? I can't remember.

0:35:48 Tom: Okay. I didn't know. I

0:36:02 Eli: Yeah.

0:36:04 Thomas: We no, might no. We're, we'RE definitely younger than HER. Anyway, as a kid though, I kind of had a crush on her. Not going to lie. I liked, I liked Drew Barrymore as a child. And so in my, I don't know, what was I? 10 when I, when was aware that that fucking happened on David Letterman somehow. I don't remember how, or I might have been older and saw it on, like, a rerun or something, I don't know, and I was like, well, that's fucking great because I'm 13 or whatever I was at that time. And then I saw the Reddit, like, I just saw someone shared it, like, oh, remember this kind of thing on Reddit, and I was like, oh boy, that's very sad and scarring. Like, I saw it

0:36:03 Tom: Have no idea. Oh.

0:36:33 Tom: No.

0:36:34 Thomas: In a whole different light because they're like, yeah, she was like really high and she just like flashed David Letterman for his birthday or something, and I was like, oh boy, this hits all kinds of different now at this age. When I was 13, it was like, sweet, dude.

0:36:34 Tom: Oh.

0:36:44 Eli: Yeah. No, it does not hold up to time. Yeah.

0:36:47 Thomas: Now it's like, oh, boy, he was so much older. So much older,

0:36:48 Eli: Yeah. It falls into the category of Britney Spears, wherein if you think about your participation in it for too long, you want to Batman yourself, right? You honestly, it's as as close as we'll ever get to the experience of being boomers, right?

0:37:05 Thomas: Yeah, not good. Ooh.

0:37:09 Eli: Because someone's like, hey, what did you have to say about Britney Spears when she was going through a mental health crisis and being made a literal slave by her dad? And you're like, here's the thing, okay, I hurt I

0:37:20 Tom: I love that he just starts scream laughing, like that's just

0:37:23 Eli: I was Here's a thing, I had a real hard, when, oh, here's, I'm, I fell and scrape my knee. Seriously, if you haven't done this, find any man in your life over the age of 30 and be like, hey, what did you ever say about Britney Spears during her crisis? And watch them turn into everyone who's ever voted for Trump right there before your eyes. I don't care. You corner RuPaul and ask him what he had to say about Brittany Spears, and

0:37:31 Thomas: Oh, boy. No, that's a good point.

0:37:31 Tom: I

0:37:50 Thomas: Yeah, absolutely. Famously, I didn't give a shit about any pop culture. I'm saved. I'm rescued. I didn't care. Care

0:37:55 Tom: Think

0:37:55 Eli: Don' t believe you. Come

0:37:55 Thomas: Oh,

0:37:55 Tom: You and I very much the same. Yeah.

0:37:56 Thomas: Oh my god, you don't believe me? You don' believe me that I wasn't really into Britney fucking Spears? Come on, dude, Eli.

0:38:03 Eli: On, you said something problematic in between the husks of corn.

0:38:06 Thomas: You gotta take the good with the bad. There's a lot of bad that comes with me, but the good is I obviously never gave a shit about any of that. Yeah.

0:38:11 Eli: It's true. Oh, Who are you going to hear about Britney Spears from? A snake.

0:38:15 Thomas: Exactly. Yeah. I'll tell you though, those snakes did some problematic fucking things. I should, I ought to talk to them. Oh,

0:38:16 Eli: Yeah. Absolutely. Little hoods. Think about those snakes, as they say, a lot of sellers. It's

0:38:26 Thomas: Boy.

0:38:34 Tom: So My god, all

0:38:36 Thomas: But should probably tell people the ending because it's not my story to tell, but we've come this far. They did what you're saying. They did us I

0:38:43 Eli: Not my story to tell. Who's in the New York Times?

0:38:46 Thomas: Know, I was just kind of a joke, but did they, they slowly, uh, started this approach and they, but, and it's so heartbreaking because both the moms are just having, like, nightmares and, like, feeling so much guilt, which is, like, the goes to show the amount of shit that either whether it's just society or whether it is genetic or evolution driven, but, like, what did these moms do? Like, they did absolutely nothing wrong, and yet both of them, was it was like the Tell-Tale Heart for both of the, they were like both of felt like they killed somebody. It

0:39:15 Eli: Thomas, they did cheat at baby having, right? They did sheet. They used baby steroids.

0:39:19 Tom: Cheated at baby having. Yeah.

0:39:21 Eli: Not supposed to welcome

0:39:21 Thomas: It just goes to show, like how much of the that stuff is like, like, obviously just bound up in, in you. It's such a tough thing, like moms have it so hard. I think it just, it feels like this failure, apparently, and I don't know where all of that comes from and So they're both trying to figure out, like, can we do this, you know, like, can, can we? Because they made the baby blankets. They've done all the stuff that they're a year old, you know. And so slowly they start just doing play dates, and then slowly they started doing, like, a longer play dates, or like they'll, you know, maybe they'll come over and they'll, and, like, over the course of, I forget exactly how long, but quite a while, they took it pretty slow. They eventually do the process of switching the kids, and they're like, by the end of the article, they're like, yeah, I still, I still, like, wake up with a nightmare. Like, oh, this kid needs me, you know? Like, but I think

0:39:27 Tom: Yeah.

0:39:36 Eli: To Dear Old Moms. Everybody. Jesus. Yeah.

0:39:41 Tom: Asshole.

0:40:16 Tom: Jesus

0:40:16 Thomas: That would have been true either way. I feel like you would have woken up either way and been like, oh my kid's out there and needs me.

0:40:17 Tom: Christ. What you do, and I mean this, is you say, all right, here's what we're going to do. We are never going to meet that other baby. This is the baby that's in my house. This is, yeah,

0:40:29 Thomas: This is the Tom's ex route. Yeah. That's my ex baby. I can't even see it.

0:40:34 Tom: Because here's the healthiest way to deal with with it, you put that information in a box in your mind, you put that on a high shelf in your mind and you shut the door that that's in and you never look at it or feel it.

0:40:40 Eli: And you just squeeze that's

0:40:46 Tom: Again, that's the only way to deal with it

0:40:46 Eli: Right that's

0:40:45 Thomas: Oh, but what if you're not a psychopath, Tom? What if you're NOT a sociopath?

0:40:49 Tom: That's a weird sentence

0:40:50 Thomas: No, I'm just kidding.

0:40:50 Eli: The good thing Thomas if you do that for long enough you You get good at it.

0:40:51 Tom: Yeah

0:40:54 Thomas: Oh, you gotta to practice at it what's

0:40:54 Tom: That's a, it's

0:40:55 Eli: Yeah. I'm sure Tom was like, I don't want to fight in the car wash. But six times in, he was like I guess this just goes in the box. Right? Like you get, you adapt. Could you play hockey the first time you tried? No, you learn new skills.

0:41:03 Tom: Yeah that

0:41:05 Thomas: In the box paint let's

0:41:11 Eli: See, I was going to suggest that you get together with the other family and you're like, guys, suicide. Let's just all, it didn't work out. Right? We're, it's going to be bad, right?

0:41:15 Thomas: Make another one. Oh, God and the

0:41:23 Eli: We're all gonna have a bad time, so let's just, you know what I'm saying, let's just you

0:41:27 Thomas: And the other guy was like, "See, this is why we want our kid back." Yeah,

0:41:32 Tom: Suggestion for everything we, we can't keep doing this

0:41:33 Thomas: They they, at Anna, they're like, "Come on, this is, you did, like, come on." Oh,

0:41:40 Eli: Kidding. Anna's totally backing me. We're coming in like Ashton Kutcher in Pranked or whatever that show was, right? We were hitting people in the face with a glitter cannon, like, "Oh, genetic loss, like, we got you." Anna's Gentlemen, before we go, got a boomer joke for you. I fucking my secretary up the ass the other day when my wife walked in.

0:41:51 Tom: Fuck

0:42:07 Eli: She said, "You can't do this to me," and I said, "Yeah, that's why I'm doing it to her." Boomer

0:42:07 Thomas: Boy, I what sorry what, we're

0:42:07 Tom: Oh God I like the boomer jokes. I fully endorse the boomers jokes it's

0:42:16 Eli: Jokes. You

0:42:14 Thomas: Doing this again. Oh, really? Tom, you're a fan of the Boomerang show? Well,

0:42:21 Eli: Found the boomer jokes or

0:42:22 Tom: Either that or the, or the bad dad jokes. I'm these

0:42:25 Eli: The puns Yeah.

0:42:25 Thomas: Remember the one other day that was delightful that we chuckled at? I can't remember now that I say that. It was good though. What was it? No, it Was that Amazon primates?

0:42:30 Eli: Yeah. That's a good time. Rip into it. Lydia

0:42:35 Thomas: Primates, primates, that was it.

0:42:36 Eli: Thought I forgot. I didn't forget Rip

0:42:37 Thomas: Oh, rip into it Oh, shit I

0:42:37 Eli: Into it. I saved it for the end. I saved her for the end. I got it just now. I've

0:42:41 Thomas: Feel like we've forgotten that a lot lately. Okay.

0:42:43 Eli: Never forgotten it a lot. I forgot it one time. That's

0:42:45 Tom: Are on your knives. You can't forget about it.

0:42:47 Eli: Right.

0:42:45 Thomas: That's Right. Story time. Tom got us murder weapons to kill, I think I think the next gift is, "This is your target. It's a health care CEO." Yeah,

0:42:53 Tom: It's a pocket knife.

0:42:58 Eli: It's that nurse, you got a photo of a different nurse at that hospital with yours, right? Because that's what I got. Yeah, yeah.

0:43:00 Thomas: Oh, Yeah, that's Interesting. Interesting.

0:43:05 Tom: I mean It's, there's suggestions, there's such, I mean, you can use your gifts however you guys want to use your gifs you know. Yeah.

0:43:09 Eli: Open

0:43:07 Thomas: It didn't say rip into it question mark. It said it's a maybe consider ripping

0:43:12 Eli: Up some boxes. Mine said rip into her. Her, which I didn't like as much. Yeah, I didn' t.

0:43:16 Tom: That was a little yeah, they didn't want to print that. They did not want to print that on the side of the. Yeah.

0:43:21 Eli: He had to draw in the her with Sharpie.

0:43:16 Thomas: Okay. But You murderer. Health care CEO, can you please do it with a Dear Old Dad's knife that says rip into like please? Okay.

0:43:29 Eli: Oh,

0:43:29 Tom: I don't have one. There's only two in existence. And you guys have them.

0:43:31 Thomas: Well, we better we better better

0:43:32 Tom: So you guys got. Oh, fuck's sake, Jesus Christ, like

0:43:29 Eli: Yeah. Ha,

0:43:32 Thomas: Get you one based on recent mail you've received. I think I better get you one. Uh,

0:43:45 Clip: Want to meet sexy DILFs in your area? Email the dads at DearOldDads.com or, better yet, send us a message on Patreon. You can follow us on all social media by checking the links in the show notes. And if you need more podcasts in your life, you can find Tom on Cognitive Dissonance, Thomas on Serious Inquiries Only, and Eli on Godawful Movies and all the Puzzle in the Thunderstorm shows. Dear Old Dads is edited and produced by my favorite DILF, Tom Smith, who also wrote and recorded the intro music, which is used with his permission. This podcast is a production of Daddy Issues LLC. Copyright 2022. All rights reserved.

0:44:25 Tom: Yeah, let me grab this letter here.

0:44:28 Eli: Away from the mic mid-record cord. Welcome welcome to the Joe Rogan podcast, everybody.

0:44:29 Tom: No, no, no. This is good stuff. This is great. This is really good stuff, yeah.

0:44:32 Eli: I guess we just take shits on, on air now now. Unfortunately, your insurance has not replied to our missive in the space -time core quampantum. You at least I took the higher ground!

0:44:35 Tom: Here

0:44:42 Thomas: But what if you're not a psychopath, Tom? That's my ex baby. I can't even see it.

0:44:49 Eli: Would be dope as shit for me and my jeans right