DOD170: Eli Made the Mistake of Asking a Parenting Group Something

Transcript

This transcript was generated automatically and may contain errors — the audio is the record.

0:00:02 Clip: I'm the cool dad. That's my thing. I know now what I can offer you that no one else can. Complete and utter dependence. I'm a man. I'm sensitive. I need to feel loved. I need to be desired.

0:00:22 Clip: Telling is the only part of being a father that I enjoy.

0:00:28 Tom: To Dear Old Dads, the podcast that's definitely got takesies backsies. I'm Tom Curry. I'm joined as always by Thomas Smith and Eli Bosnick. Hello, gentlemen. That was very mrs doubtfire

0:00:41 Thomas: Doubtfire uh hi

0:00:42 Eli: Sure look on episode like 200 man all right you gotta mix them up with some silly ones every now and then can't that's

0:00:52 Thomas: Hello yeah

0:00:52 Tom: As opposed to the serious the serious tone you've struck

0:00:53 Thomas: I'll do all this good day tom

0:00:56 Eli: Exactly yeah greeting tom like a fucking 1940s newsman he needs color he needs difference but guys you know the only thing worse than thomas just shitting on my my delightful hello just now.

0:01:00 Thomas: Salutations

0:01:10 Eli: Why?

0:01:08 Thomas: What I just said it was it

0:01:12 Eli: It's the auto ads.

0:01:12 Thomas: Was mrs Doubtfire I don't necessarily think

0:01:14 Eli: Auto ads, they're bad.

0:01:14 Thomas: That's bad just was what

0:01:12 Tom: I like Mrs. Doubtfire.

0:01:16 Thomas: It was and

0:01:16 Eli: You hate them, we hate them. But they feed our children, and that's important. But if you feed our children, we'll let the auto adds stop feeding our children. That's not how it works. But look, give us money over at patreon.com forward slash dear old dads.

0:01:30 Thomas: Eli what fresh hot dog related content tent it

0:01:33 Eli: Was just going to say where for as little as a dollar you get a commercial free version of every single show. You know, a little parenting story at the end of the episode when Tom decides to show up. And you'll also get our monthly bonus episode. This month, I asked the gentleman a controversial question. Something that cuts to the core of who we are and what we want.

0:01:51 Thomas: Was a real frank conversation

0:01:54 Eli: It's a real, real the heart place. And we all discuss it over on the bonus. It's lot of fun. Check it out. If you need something light, something fun, something silly, that's going to do the trick for you over at patreon.com forward slash dear old dads in the words of popo, rip into it all. Right gentlemen so I gathered you here today because I had an experience that I think is doubly fitting for our show the first is a parenting issue that I'm going through that I'd love your guys's like take on and the second and this is sort of probably the more fun version is I made the mistake of bringing this question to my local parenting group and had the experience That I always have when bringing a question to a local parenting group.

0:02:43 Thomas: Do you like a random sampling well not quite random but like yeah a normie sampling of people we know how that goes lately interesting

0:02:47 Eli: Truly. Of my fellow Americans. Yes, exactly. And I thought I'd talk to you about it. So, I may have mentioned this on the air or may I have not. But, you know, Max is four. And he's going through a snatching phase. Is, he's just like taking things he wants. Right? Sees a kid playing with a toy. He goes over to try to take the toy. Sees the kid doing a thing. We're holding our thing, he wants it, just goes over and tries to take it out of our hand. So I did some reading of it online, and one of the explanations that really registered with me is that, hey, toddlers tend to do this because we do it to them, right? We tend to just snatch things out of their hand when we're done with them playing with a toy and it's time to go, we just take the thing out of Their Hand. When we want them to not do a thing, we take the Thing out of Our Hand. We do what we want to do, right, because they're kids and we know that we love them and we want them to be happy and so we're only doing it in sort of a must situation but what they learn is like if someone has something in their hand I .e me the center of the universe sometimes people just come by and take it so if

0:03:48 Eli: That's how we communicate wanting things out of other people's hands I'm allowed to do it so I am trying to learn not to snatch things out of max's hands because the minute I read that I realized holy shit I snatch everything out of of this poor fucking kid's hands right

0:04:00 Thomas: Especially when communication can be an issue they often you just have to shortcut cut you know because

0:04:06 Eli: When he is done with a toy when he when I need him to finish doing a thing

0:04:09 Tom: Or if you just want to play with that toy, that's fine.

0:04:11 Eli: If I it's my turn with the Nintendo switch yeah exactly there's all sorts of reasons why I tend to do it and we practice taking turns and stuff and so that's a little bit better and that and that has also really helped I will point out but yeah it that tends to be the case uh I noticed that but it's it's still really a habit it and I wanted to know some tips for navigating the situations that are tricky right so like when he's stuck we got to go somewhere and he's using the object in his hands to stall right uh he has a thing and I'm worried he's gonna break it and it's not an emergency but I do want like I just thought you know what I'm

0:04:12 Thomas: My turn yeah uh

0:04:48 Eli: Gonna reach out to my feral fellow parentals

0:04:50 Tom: Think you were right with Feral. Yeah. I think that was right on.

0:04:51 Eli: Feral my feral parentals yeah no

0:04:54 Tom: I think I was right. I

0:04:55 Eli: It's a freudian slip and get some advice and my friends I was met with the craziest most batshit series of responses I can possibly describe to you so before I get to the batshit responses which I think we'll all enjoy uh you dealt with this at all did you have to figure out not snatching things from your kids hands like Like, how did that work? I assume you still don't have to snatch things from your kids' hands, Tom. Tom,

0:05:16 Thomas: I don't you know I

0:05:20 Tom: Think it was right, right on? To now yeah yes

0:05:22 Thomas: Yeah I I'm trying to I'm looking within I'm gonna notice one of those things now I'll notice it like you said eli but I don't, I I snatched things out of their hands that much I think that I try to be pretty you know and it helps that they're a little older like as they're as they're younger it's harder now remy does I just have to bring this up semi I related he is taken to doing the funniest thing in the world which is you know I've talked about how long he just he going back forever as soon as he could walk and crawl or even crawl and reach food in the pantry he just grabs whatever and comes and brings it to us and tells us he wants it he grabbed a thing of polenta once and insisted that we did now he yeah it's just no he just we're just like dude that's not even you can't eat that like he just grabbed whatever whatever now he's smarter he knows what's food and what's not so now he takes something we'll be like let's say we're watching tv he'll go grab like like a fruit snacks or something he'll bring it over and go and he'll rub his tummy because that means he wants to eat it and then if we say no

0:05:59 Tom: All right I love that that's great did you make him polenta I like you should have made him polinta I

0:06:21 Eli: Adorable.

0:06:21 Thomas: If we stay just

0:06:22 Eli: Adorable, by

0:06:22 Tom: Do the same thing I do this same thing like I get

0:06:22 Eli: The way.

0:06:24 Thomas: Wait if we saying no he chucks it at us and leaves it'll literally just be like things of I didn't notice at first that he just throws it and they'll be just just things of food everywhere that we said no. And he just throws, he's just like rage quits. He throws it and leaves. And now I've, now that I've noticed it, I'm like not letting him do it, but Jesus fucking Christ, what a spoiled.

0:06:28 Eli: Amazing. He comes over to you with a crystal flute of champagne and you're like, um, ah, here's the thing. I mean, yeah.

0:06:50 Thomas: Yes, you can have it. Chucks it, just throws. He throws at the kids too. And we're like, dude, you cant do that, man. Man.

0:06:59 Tom: It's BEEN a minute since my kids were like toddler little and I DON'T I hate this because I usually feel like I have a good memory of this but I don't remember the snatching stuff as much I

0:07:10 Eli: Yours go through a hitting phase and did it ever end, Tom? Speaking of, on a slightly unrelated note, did no, he's a lot bigger now.

0:07:19 Thomas: Jesus. Yeah, yeah.

0:07:16 Tom: Still you know but now he packs a wallop so it's different you know yeah yeah he's claw clubs you into the ground like fucking like you know that like just hammers you in like a tent stake into the dirt just that's rough it's

0:07:23 Eli: Bam Bam? Yeah. Fan! Fan! Fan! Yeah.

0:07:30 Thomas: My my kids all beat the shit out of each other. It's it's so frustrating. Good They're at school. Did I tell you? I'm so sorry. I'm not hijacking your episode. This is but Eli did. This is fucking. Oh, my God. We Eli did a bit. Everybody. Actually, I'm realizing this might have been a prank as as I're about to say what I'm about to say. This may have been an elaborate Eli prank.

0:07:33 Eli: Max No, get in there! Yeah. Sounds like it.

0:07:49 Thomas: Had the you know, when they're in school, you get the parent teacher conference when they're in daycare or whatever you get kind of you know a version of that that's like got the little progress and whatever it's really it's really sweet it's very nice the other day we do remys and like he's a fucking model prisoner he the best he's interested in everything he's polite he's great with the other kids he loves reading time and we're like what and then lydia's like well Well, yeah, but does he like, like he screams when, when he, and he's, they're like screams. I'm not even joking. It was like, Eli wrote a bit. They're like, scream. We've never, he screams. We've Never.

0:08:05 Tom: Fucking

0:08:24 Thomas: What do you mean? He screams.

0:08:24 Eli: Mean when he hurts himself, right?

0:08:26 Tom: That's because kids are little liars like they are little shit liars that they get to school and all of a sudden they can remember where to put their backpack and they can Remember to like take their shit they come home and like everything has to get flung with centrifugal force off their bodies just randomly yeah no they're little shit liers I

0:08:36 Eli: Big time. Yeah.

0:08:40 Thomas: Literally, they, like, they didn't believe that he screamed. Like, theyre like, no, he never screams. He's at fun. And, and I've kind of mentioned it before that I think the problem is he's bored at at home and like when he's at school but like the amount that they emphasized it was just it was Eli writing a skit it was like oh yeah so it's us being like god he's really tough sorry god what he's the best he's our best kid he's literally the best kid in the daycare we love him we want everyone to be Remy and we're just like what the fuck dude yeah

0:09:08 Tom: Love that for him I love That for everybody actually that's great

0:09:09 Eli: The button on that sketch is that you guys walk out the door and then it pans up and it's like, so -and -so school for the deaf. Right. And just nobody can hear.

0:09:20 Thomas: Or something I don't know yeah it's god, it's it's so, anyway, every phase that I think Remy's going through that's like the end of the the world apparently at school 100% fine, not a problem, not an issue, it's just at home.

0:09:30 Eli: We had a hitting phase exact, pretty much just like this one a few months ago and it was rough. And then we got over it and I was like, oh my God. Yes, it ended because that fucking sucked and the last week in 10 days it is just back in full force and I don't know what it is like I do not know why it's happening and he just he just fucking hits and he does the laughing hitting us too like he's not mad does the laughter hitting us and I look I have a lot of anger and I have to not only do I have to not be angry I have have to switch over to like calm which is fucking

0:09:54 Tom: Good that's great that's oh fun

0:09:55 Thomas: It's really hard yeah and in two in tenths of a second it's impossible it's possible he

0:10:07 Eli: And what I have is control right like I am incredibly proud of the fact that I have never a right that I Have never and will never lay a hand on my son but like that takes effort right when he punches me in the face unexpectedly my body's like get him yeah exactly yeah get him

0:10:13 Thomas: Says as he hits the mic yeah you have fast twitch reactions yeah there's never a there's ever a time that you or I are ever going to hit or anything like that but But we may take accidental defensive action that is alarming to them. That's happened to me where I was like, oh, like you do something, just flinch because somebody's hitting you in the face, you know, and you're like, Oh shit. I like in, in the action of quickly putting someone down or like turning someone quickly. I'm like, Ooh, that was, that Was a little, but like, it's, I hope, I hope unless we're all about to get canceled, Eli, I hope we, can give, especially dads who can give ourselves some, of a grace on this because I think it's really hard to do everything exactly perfectly in one one hundredth of a second like I did you can't even blame yourself like it's impossible

0:11:02 Eli: Tell tell me about it yeah no I mean I so yeah I'm trying to stay calm and stay cool in those situations but yeah it's the same as school there they you know they love him he's an angel I do think he acts out occasionally his teacher preschool was like yeah we saw a little hitting when the hitting happened last year but yeah we're just we're juste waiting this phase out I'm really hoping it ends soon because man it's just it's so tough because like I love him and And we're having such a sweet time and it is usually because we're going from one thing that he loves and makes him happy to another thing he loves and makes them happy and he just doesn't want to and like it's just like I hold him very gently I am very physically affectionate which I have learned means opening myself up to getting fucking clocked in the eye or here right anger that goes through me when I I realize I am being careful so as not to be hit let alone the anger that goes through me when he hits anna right because that's the other thing too

0:11:32 Tom: A transition problem yeah yeah yeah

0:12:01 Eli: Is when he hits and like if he's pulling her hair and I have to be like all right nervous system he's hurting your wife but you can't squeeze his hand so hard it makes juice out of either side of your hand you have to gently take his hand hand off your wife's hair and I again I have managed it but yeah it's fucking tough point

0:12:15 Thomas: So what

0:12:16 Tom: So I know we're going to talk about the advice for the uh from your parenting group I did have a piece of advice that I don't know if you've already tried if it's like if if the snatching thing I'm talking about the sn matching I have no idea how to fix the hitting problem I think that I think he's just fucking age out of that shit for the most part I I know that that sucks but I think a lot of that is just aging out and the constant reinforcement but for

0:12:38 Thomas: And communication is part of it too like when they can express themselves with words it gets better yeah

0:12:44 Tom: But for the snatched thing um order to sort of like prevent you from having to snatch things from them you might want to have like and I feel like this like training a dog again but you might want to have if it's something you want to be conscious of something to trade with him so like have something in your pocket yeah let's see how exactly yeah you know anything from the commissary like any yeah yeah like a little piece of candy or like a race car or something you know that like you can do a trade with so that you're not just so you can take what needs to be taken but you're not creating this like habit of like like I just get to take your shit and that's how it works now like a trade might be good

0:13:01 Thomas: Cigarettes yeah a knife shiv yeah

0:13:04 Eli: Ramen noodles from the yeah exactly yeah I love that I love it

0:13:27 Tom: I have no idea if that would work but it's the first thing that occurs to me

0:13:29 Eli: Give it a shot and honestly thomas you're thinking about the communication too because a lot of the time with the hitting and the snatching. It comes with, I'm like, Hey buddy, it's time to put that away. And he's like, no. And I'm Like, okay, well it does need to be put away. We've, communicated to the full extent that we need to.

0:13:44 Thomas: I mean yeah I meant I meant they'll stop hitting others when they can say like, yeah.

0:13:49 Eli: And no, that's true. But of I, the things that I have found myself saying is, Hey, I don't want to take that out of your hand, but right. I'm clarifying to him what's going on. Like, Hey this is the situation I need that, but I don'T want to take it out of your hand and it has worked occasionally um let's hear what this facebook group had to say so I I wrote down this

0:14:06 Tom: Who quick who's who is your facebook is this like a group of people you know or is this like a just an online parenting group you joined I because I think that sets the stage here

0:14:15 Eli: There's an online parenting group, the like local moms and dads group that I'm in um one is the one of the rare ones I haven't been kicked out of yeah so uh first comment and I love this one so fucking Sorry, but if my kid has a butcher knife and is about to stab his brother, I don't have time for please and thank you. Some of us have more than one kid and a lot more problems to deal with than how we ask our kids to give up things.

0:14:21 Tom: I'm already so afraid for you yeah what the fuck what is happening wow

0:14:35 Thomas: Come on. Shut the fuck up. Oh my God, dude. Here's

0:14:48 Tom: Okay well you know what 10 for that answer asked and answered, end of the show such

0:14:50 Thomas: Here's What Sucks About This. Most things on the internet that suck, most things ontheinternetthatsuck, we can be like, probably fake, probably a bot, probably Russian. Question this I know it's real that's what sucks about this this is how stupid we are and this is why we deserve trump this are presenting an obviously real problem that you have which is a thing you're trying to do and someone has to take in this is the reactionary victim psychology of our entire you know how they used to say the left was victims they are 100 incorrect all reactionary society is all at how instantly this person was making themselves a victim of a fake hypothetical that they made up related to a question you asked I'm

0:14:53 Tom: A good answer

0:15:29 Thomas: Sorry I'm not what no one's I don't no one knows who you are you did I miss it was this guy in on the meeting that you were having at the school jesus fucking christ yeah

0:15:39 Tom: We circle back too to why are you just parenting with knives laying around in this hypothetically I'm sorry but if my kid has a flamethrower with a finger on the button of the nuclear missile launch

0:15:44 Eli: On the You just butcher knives at child level.

0:15:50 Thomas: I'm pretty sure eli will agree with that like yeah if he has a weapon and like

0:15:54 Tom: Everybody

0:15:54 Eli: Obvious and I wrote in my post I was like I'm obviously not talking about emergency situations so maybe she doesn't think that's an emergency situation all

0:16:00 Thomas: Even before that was said yeah oh

0:16:00 Tom: Defines emergency a little differently Eli what the fucking shit

0:16:05 Eli: Right I want to read you the second comment because it's such a perfect contract I I laughed out loud and it was like oh what's funny I was the worst people so first comment butcher knives second comment not a problem with my kid so

0:16:11 Thomas: Helpful helpful

0:16:20 Tom: God I fucking love when people chime in to be like nothing to add here you're

0:16:24 Thomas: You're in a parenting group what is in

0:16:27 Tom: Just don't chime in if you don't have a chime

0:16:30 Thomas: Retrospect how did trump not win more you know like in retrospect it's actually a testament to the ingenious campaign that was run that he didn't get every vote in the entire nation because we're fucking idiots we're so dumb oh I never want you to stop I want all of them oh

0:16:35 Tom: It's fucking unbelievable oh what

0:16:31 Eli: Fucking good more yes exactly how was it not universal okay have to read this answer now I need to emphasize I needto emphasize that I am reading this word for word I know you're gonna sit there and you're gonna think okay eli you're making up a fun joke for your little podcast I'm glad you're enjoying it hearing your fictional thing this is why we need to bring back corporal punishment period new

0:16:58 Thomas: Come on shut the fuck up yeah

0:17:00 Tom: What

0:17:02 Eli: Paragraph when I was growing up we learned things the hard way and sometimes the hardway meant the back of my dad's hand or even his belt sorry but that's just the real world and the real word has real consequences the problem is I can't get over this the problem you're treating your kid like an equal they're not an equal they are your subject and you are their ruler and then they included a bible quote

0:17:26 Tom: This is eli made this up you have if you didn't make this up If

0:17:31 Eli: This is what I said I

0:17:30 Thomas: What what what group did you join come on

0:17:32 Eli: Said look

0:17:33 Tom: You didn't make this up, I'm not living in this world anymore.

0:17:36 Eli: Parents for corporal punishment is a really good group most of the time I don't know why I finally had this reaction I laughed so hard and I also loved the I love this which is the comment underneath that because it's a pretty liberal parent group comment underneath that not from me is are you even a parent and then the comment from the original commenter is grandparent I raised my kids right and now I don't have to deal with them anymore laughy face why

0:17:39 Thomas: I was gonna say oh

0:17:52 Tom: Yeah, sounds like it. But then why am I on this group? Why do I, why did you join this group?!

0:18:07 Eli: Are you in the parenting group what's

0:18:09 Tom: Why would I have done any of the things that I do?! Your

0:18:09 Eli: Happening

0:18:09 Thomas: Maybe it is fake I'm never mind we gotta it's a comfort it's russians it's the only thing that comforts my mind why are people like this just

0:18:19 Eli: The robot bots are just filling in

0:18:21 Thomas: Fucking

0:18:21 Tom: Kid is your subject. I like that then your home is like a fiefdom.

0:18:24 Eli: Kid is your subject and you are their ruler

0:18:26 Tom: This is very medieval.

0:18:22 Thomas: A and yeah and now they never talk to me anymore so I don t have to yeah unreal

0:18:31 Eli: Dear dennis prager I'm including this facebook thread as evidence that my kids I

0:18:35 Tom: Holy fuck. Holy. Holy, do you, like, is this a group that you've gone to for advice in the past?

0:18:41 Eli: Swear I found my doctor my barber and a bunch of stuff and

0:18:44 Tom: And have you ever

0:18:45 Thomas: The one that gave you a third ball or

0:18:45 Tom: Taken the advice or is like, how would Max still be alive if you've taken any of this advice?

0:18:48 Eli: I I will admit this I have never asked for parenting advice before I have asked for recommendations right who's a good doctor where's a good swimwear where can I buy a cheesecake

0:18:58 Thomas: And one was like this doctor will beat your son then none of them said that

0:19:01 Tom: I'm not sure I would go to their doctor. That's fair. Well, this guy doesn't give you their kids, those new fangled vaccinations.

0:19:03 Eli: Vaccines you've heard so much about uh I there will say because I'm also on a I'm on a list serve which is fucking weird but it's it's great I'm

0:19:13 Thomas: That still

0:19:08 Tom: Holy shit. Oh, I'm sorry. Did our podcast go back in time? Everybody check your clocks. If we went 88 miles an hour in the last few minutes.

0:19:14 Thomas: Exists yeah

0:19:19 Eli: We all receive a mimeograph but I'm not a list server right which is just like a big big cc all email chain you know hell uh that we're all on and it's for parents of autistic kids and there's one lady on there who's like the vaccines I gave my kid gave it autism and so she just replies to everything on the list serve with I regret vaccinating my child she just does her she just does her pitch once again just every single time and every single type people are like shut up suzanne it's the best um but yeah so that was my experience of uh asking my fellow parents for advice and uh there you have it right

0:19:41 Thomas: It's forever wow jesus yeah

0:19:55 Tom: Yeah, I fuck shit. Those groups just sound that the worst places for actual advice. And that's so depressing. Cause like actually, you know, outsourcing and like crowdsourcing is oftentimes like it aggregates to good advice. Like that is oftentimes a true thing. It's just that like, there's so much noise, like nonsense in there and then the emotionality of parenting seems like it would make it just a million times worse like what I mean is like if you outsource or crowdsource like you know what is the state capital of idaho you're very likely to get a good answer statistically right like you're just like okay there right but like if it's like if its this other yeah it is exactly the answer but like if this other stuff I'd aware no we reject the premise but like it fits this other their stuff it seems like it seems like it tends to travel in the opposite direction where just like the unhinged lunatics pop up and are just like well here's my take I actually wanted to chime in to say I have no take that's so

0:20:31 Thomas: One cares that's the answer yeah who gives a shit the top upvoted answer who fucking cares

0:20:50 Eli: I was sitting here this morning refreshing this page hoping to tell someone to hit their kid and I'll tell you the four posts before yours they were about where to find a child -friendly dentist and I couldn't really find a way to work it in so now I can get back to work where

0:21:11 Tom: Other people ask for I'm cute now I'm curious what your experience is as a sort of advice giver was

0:21:15 Thomas: Do you tell other people to hit their kids or what do you do pay it forward word

0:21:18 Eli: The the key to this group that I like Like is it's all the posts are anonymous, right? Some of the comments are anonymous.

0:21:24 Tom: Well that's when you get the best people is when things are anonymous that's that's even better

0:21:27 Eli: So for me, right, I kind of need that because if I'm ever going through something that I can't share publicly, which luckily hasn't happened, but if I remember going through something I can share publicly that is a space I've found where like someone won't coincidentally run into my name and be like, Oh, that's the guy on the podcast. I like screenshot, you know? So the advantage, the reason I've been in an anonymous space is because I can't be in a non -anonymous space. Yeah, that's, been useful. Yeah,

0:21:55 Tom: Do you give advice on this channel like do you yeah Yeah. Right. Is the advice always this fucking brutal? I, there's a, there's a sense that I think like what you're getting to that, that is out there, which is the, excuse to tell America to toughen up, right? there'S that group of people like that want to use any excuse. It doesn't even matter. I don't think what the advice question is. The answer is always going to be some version of the kids these days are soft.

0:21:57 Eli: All the time. Yeah.

0:22:20 Thomas: I can't get over how perfectly I'm sorry uh you guys tell me tell me shut up if if this is too much but I can'T get over HOW PERFECTLY THIS REFLECTS POLITICS you have the person who's the natural inborn authoritarian and they're like they're gonna go fash because they're fash then you have THE PERSON WHO'S EASILY ACTIVATED THEIR REACTIONARY THING WHERE ANYTHING THAT EVEN YOUR SUGGESTION OF YOU MIGHT HAVE TO CHANGE YOUR BEHAVIOR AS A PARENT NOT not related to them, not their kid, not their situation, you're not even talking about anyone else. You're talking about a thing you described a time, an event where you were thinking about changing your behavior. And that's such a threat to our fragile fucking little minds that we have in this country that instantly they're reacting as though you're correcting their parenting and coming up with an insane hypothetical that might as well be about immigrants eating pets.

0:23:09 Thomas: Like captured all of it. It's amazing. And then the person who's like Like my kid doesn't do that. That's the third party voter. You've got everybody.

0:23:14 Eli: They're just like, yeah I'm not playing.

0:23:16 Thomas: You've Got Everybody.

0:23:17 Eli: Was that the election?

0:23:18 Thomas: Yeah.

0:23:19 Eli: Was there a kid? It I didn't notice I'm just kidding I noticed I I'm a bad person and

0:23:22 Tom: You know you hit on something too thomas that I want to like seize on that I think between so there's a non -answer which you could just be like yeah all right you just what was that and then the other two I think they have like an undercurrent though that is the same undercurrent which is I should never have to change in order to accommodate you that's the same undercurrent in both answers right like both of them are suggesting the same thing from a a different angle and that's that's a huge element of parenting which is like all right like I'm gonna have this kid and this kid is going to come into my house and adapt to me and my rules and I am not gonna have to change and my needs yeah yeah and I'm not gonna have to adjust or change yeah

0:24:04 Eli: My needs right because I think the opposite of that sort of authoritarian that comes in that first comment is the victim mindset which I see really commonly it's like I'm already so overworked and so over like how dare you make me think about something I might be doing right

0:24:22 Thomas: It activates that defensiveness where it's like, and what's amazing is like, again, even people in unrelated conversations, it's, like, how anytime we just bring up vegetarianism or veganism there's people who are just think that we're we're them when we're not like it's just yeah doesn't

0:24:36 Eli: Or judging them right they create a judgment in themselves yeah yeah I

0:24:39 Thomas: Exist yeah

0:24:40 Tom: They create a judgment so they can respond to it and feel aggrieved from it but I think like the the parenting thing like sort of need to not change like our need I I just want to like tell like a quick personal anecdote on that had no no I you know I had an interesting experience as a stepdad right where so eight seven years ago when hayley moved here and she brought donovan and brought aislan and we were going to create this brand new household, which was going to go from not existing to existing overnight. And I was going have in my home, I was going to have, you this woman who I was going to immediately, I had not lived with. And then boom, we're just, we are living together. And then also here's these two kids and now I'm their stepdad and it's, and I'm going to be very much the odd man out in that household, right? Because there's already an established dynamic between Haley and Aislinn and Donovan. And so I knew going into this that if anyone was going to have to change, it was going to be me. Because there is no way for me to change three people to match my style, my habits, my routines. That's just not how it's going to work. When sort of a a parent from day one with biological parents you grow into them they grow into you it's an organic sort of process that takes place over time when you begin step parenting if you do it the way we did it because Hayley and I were long distance so there wasn't an option other than just flip a switch parenting you

0:24:53 Eli: Hate change and I refuse to do it right

0:26:13 Tom: Know just like overnight now here they are um I had like this really like like like intentional reflexive reflective moment where I was going to be like, all right, I'm either going to be the odd man out in my own house or I'm going to have to feel out the rhythm, the vibe, you know, the, the style, the parenting, the needs, all of this.

0:26:32 Tom: And I'm gonna have to adjust into that and, and find my way through that because they can't ask all of these people to adjust to me. That's not fair. And there's a huge sort of like pushback in parenting in general, which is kids always have to adapt to you. And that's fucking insane because I can tell you from experience that you can adapt to your kids I did it I adapted to an entirely different structure and rhythm and vibe and style and you know people that just overnight were living with me and that I was responsible for you can fucking do it and everything works out great everything can work out great at least but like there's this opposite notion where it's like yeah kid's job is to fucking adapt to you like I don't know man like I adapted to a lot of shit growing up and I don't think it always did me all the favors in the world

0:26:32 Eli: The crepes yeah right

0:27:22 Thomas: Are we supposed to

0:27:24 Tom: Do you know what I mean though

0:27:24 Thomas: Pretend no

0:27:26 Eli: The takes his headphones out he gets it my work here is done no I get it, I understand, and I, as again, my parents absolutely slaughtered it I'm very very very happy with how my parents raised me, but there was an expectation set that in a lot of ways wasn't healthy. Right. And there were a lot Of things that my parents were capable of doing because they were fully emotionally developed adults that was expected of me as a really young kid. Uh, and so I, I didn't learn to control those emotions super well. I learned to be ashamed of them. Right? So I think that's, that's a really important thing, right?

0:27:30 Tom: Does that make sense though yeah

0:28:06 Thomas: Interesting

0:28:06 Eli: How do you make And it's something that I also too, because my life is very fixed. My life is very firm, because right? I like the food I like. I like the thing I like, and it's because we work very hard, and it's because I work a lot, right, and so I made the choice not to go to an office 9-5, and I know we've talked about this off air, but I make a choice not to go to an office nine to five so that if Max needs something, wants me to read him a story, I can stop doing my work and do that for him now that means that it's a lot harder to do my work and get my work done but I've tried to incorporate that flexibility into my life so that I get to be a part of his life and not just someone he sees when he wakes up first thing in the morning right, because when my dad was working full-time, especially when he was commuting two and a half hours a day after his business had closed, like, I didn't see a lot of my dad. I really missed my dad and I missed that relationship with him that I'd gotten to have when he was working closer to home. Um, it also means that I have to check in with my own habits when it comes to my comforts, right? When it comes to like how noisy I want things to be when I, uh, when it comes to like how distracted I let my attention get, how my relaxation works, right. One of the big issues that I, that, that I, I am really working on is like, I'll work all day. Then I'll watch Max for a little bit and it sort of becomes a man cave moment. Now I don't actually go to a man cave, obviously, but like, I'll be like, okay, I'm going to play some video games or I'm going to watch a thing or I'm going to read a thing. And then Max needs my attention. But because my brain is in, well, I already

0:29:31 Eli: Did my job mode, right? I have had to learn to check that in myself and be like Nope, you're not off, right. You're off at eight when he falls asleep. That's when you can start being off until then you got to continue to be participatory or you've got to leave the space, right, which is something that I've also done was like, when I'm really exhausted, when I really need a break, I'll be like, Hey, I'm going to take 15 downstairs or I'll take 15 upstairs. Right. And actually do that set a timer, but like that needs to be a full-on break as opposed to trying to steal breaks in between breaths. Right. Which is my own thing. Does that make sense?

0:30:02 Eli: Is that relevant at all? Or is that okay? Good.

0:30:04 Tom: It does I'm just thinking

0:30:02 Thomas: Tom

0:30:05 Tom: About like not stealing breaks in between breaths that's a weird, that's the in-between breaths time is for Eli, obviously that's a weird idea

0:30:14 Thomas: Gets a tiny amount of sleep in between every three, inhale, that's just a little teeny bit, Eli, which of this sage advice, did you take, oh,

0:30:18 Tom: Sleeping no

0:30:26 Eli: I didn't.

0:30:26 Tom: Did you respond to any of these people on facebook

0:30:28 Eli: No. I didn' t respond.

0:30:29 Thomas: whatS the point, yeah no,

0:30:30 Eli: Not interested.

0:30:30 Thomas: What

0:30:30 Tom: The point is the comedy thomas the

0:30:31 Thomas: Is this, 2016, what is this 2016 and we're trying to still affect people in the world

0:30:35 Tom: Point is the comedy

0:30:37 Eli: Invited them all over into Tom's podcast, Thomas's podcast. And we're going to, we're gonna release a nine part debate where they defend the Disney crows. No, I was just like, okay, there it is. I don't know. The other thing is like, I don't know if you guys have this experience and maybe it's unrelated but like when a person does a bad thing online that I expect of the internet I just completely shut down at this point in my life right like in person I still like to think I'm very connected to the people around me and I do my best but like the minute someone online does a shitty typically online thing my body is so used to defending from that it's just like oh hey don't worry people are just being shitty on the internet again and I literally, I think I deleted the post. I'm not even joking. I think. I was just like. Because it's what I'll do on Facebook. Like if I ever post a status. And people start to be shitty on it. I'm just like oh no. This isn't a thing that exists on the internet. You can't have it.

0:31:27 Eli: Nobody gets this. I'm eating all the balloons. Or whatever the fuck. Like I'm like. I'm I'm still just not interested in it. And it's so funny. Because one of my buddy. Who's also in the group. Was like hey. I know you'd mentioned the snatching thing. Like is this you. And I was like yeah. And he's like oh. Sorry to hear it. Like let me know. No, my kids haven't gone through it, right? Very sweet. But like, it was also such a perfect illustration of the difference between relationships and the internet, right. Which is that like a friend thought maybe it was me and reached out to make sure I was okay. And the internet was like, I voted for George W. Bush for three reasons. Number one, I love war crimes.

0:31:48 Thomas: What

0:32:06 Eli: Dear old dads.

0:32:01 Tom: Man yeah so will you go back to that group for advice again was

0:32:10 Eli: So I mostly give advice on that group. This is the first time I've ever asked for it, but what I give advice on is like stuff that I feel really good about, like sometimes people are like oh my kid's into magic and I'm like uh crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, uh everyone back up, I'm ready to go or like local things uh you know something someone asked like a jersey based question I've used or a new york based question and I've got answers to that right so like you know I try to answer those questions the best I could I think I'm just going to stop reaching out for help.

0:32:40 Tom: There any good advice so it was exclusively bad wow

0:32:44 Thomas: You gonna actually do then what's what's your plan

0:32:46 Eli: Uh, I mean, we're just using MyWords more, just using MyWords and stopping. And cause what it was is I was going, Hey, Max, we got to, can I have that book? It's time to go potty here. Can I have the thing? Oh God, you don't even get me started on the fucking potty wars. They never end. The potty war is never end, I think. Can I tell you guys something?

0:33:01 Tom: And it just won't go when you suggest it

0:33:03 Eli: She won't. Yeah, not on my chest, not in my face. She's very, very she's a disagreeable woman and I'm not afraid thank you yes hey it's my wife for once aren't we all having a good we're all having good time because lydia she pees on my chest whenever I ask and I say a real trooper thank you maybe you heard that maybe you didn't I know it's the episode um yeah no we're in the potty wars as well I'll tell you guys a plan though I have a plan and maybe this is a terrible plan this is your chance to tell me a terrible plan I think at christmas me and ann have talked about this I think it christmas this year when we have christmas break me and anna are just gonna be like all right max you're a big boy now you get to tell us when it's time to go potty so mommy

0:33:04 Thomas: Jesus christ okay

0:33:08 Tom: It's not very ggg of her you know like yeah just that is nice of her

0:33:46 Eli: And I aren't gonna tell you when to go potty anymore uh

0:33:46 Tom: That's a great plan so if he tells you to go potty are you gonna have to go go potting I

0:33:52 Eli: No, you tell us, you tell me when to potty, not us

0:33:55 Tom: Think he should tell you when to go party I think that would be great if he's a

0:33:58 Eli: Tom I am an IBS survivor my son would have me shitting my pants 11 times a day how dare you but I think just being like hey and then you'll have an accident if you have an axe like I think that's just what we got to do and we'll do it over christmas break hoping that he gets it

0:34:13 Tom: Right oh a I do think that that's a good plan if he's he doesn't care amon didn't care either

0:34:15 Eli: He doesn't care when you have accidents now I'll tell you that no he'll be like oh I I I have a little drop is what I'll say or he'll lie and say he pooped his pants because we like when he poops his pants which is very rare we'll belike hey buddy don't worry about like that because it's always been like tummy troubles or something so now when he has like a p accident he'll be like I have poop accident and I'm like it's not a poop accident man you pissed yourself and he's like I had poop accident

0:34:37 Thomas: He's trying to get a lighter sentence

0:34:40 Eli: Exactly he's trying not to be registered as a repeat offender exactly yeah

0:34:44 Tom: Amon would shit himself the fucking most unbelievably egregious world ending shit and not care at all he did not care it all I'd be like yeah just fuck I'll wander around in my own dookie

0:34:52 Thomas: Did you guys do we did the potty training did you do the like not wearing anything potty train oh man

0:34:56 Tom: Forever like like

0:34:59 Eli: We did it yeah that we went through the whole thing it worked and then it just we just backfired maybe that's what we'll do maybe we'll put him bottomless for the first couple of days so that he'll just pee into into the middle distance if if he uh does Can I

0:35:11 Tom: Just stand on a dock and contemplate the world peeing yeah

0:35:16 Eli: Say, and I hope she doesn't mind me doxing this, but Haley actually gave me some of the best advice when it comes to the potty training, which made a huge difference when we were first doing it, which is, she was like, oh yeah, you got to make them clean it up when they have to clean it up. They don't want to do it anymore.

0:35:30 Thomas: Jesus

0:35:29 Tom: Did she tell you to rub their nose in it because I don't think that's that's not recommended anymore but we're

0:35:35 Eli: But I make him come and bring me the paper towels and stuff and all that. But yeah. He has to throw the underwear in the laundry, but yeah. So, for coming to the Eli is failing as a dad Podcast hour everybody Can't take things out of my son's hand Keeps pissing his pants and punching me in the face I

0:35:38 Tom: I don'T THINK SO AT ALL I DON'T THINK so at all I'm telling you man have like a pocket full of treats and you know trade him a treat for the thing trade loved race cars he loved like little matchbox cars

0:35:53 Thomas: Pocket sand oh

0:35:55 Eli: Pocket sand Perfect He loves shit, he loves all kinds of shit Loves matchbox cars

0:36:02 Tom: Carry a red box car or two with you and just trade him just always just always trade him because he'll be happy to trade for whatever he's not holding too

0:36:06 Eli: That sounds good I'm in, I'm fucking in Alright gentlemen, before we go My wife calls me a sex machine I mean she said I was a tool but I know what she meant okay

0:36:34 Clip: Want to meet sexy DILFs in your area? Email the dads at DearOldDads.com or, better yet, send us a message on Patreon. You can follow us on all social media by checking the links in the show notes. And if you need more podcasts in your life, you can find Tom on Cognitive Dissonance, Thomas on Serious Inquiries Only, and Eli on Godawful Movies and all the Puzzle in the Thunderstorm shows. Dear Old Dads is edited and produced by my favorite DILF, Tom Smith, who also wrote and recorded the intro music, which is used with his permission. This podcast is a production of Daddy Issues LLC. Copyright 2022. All rights reserved.

0:37:14 Tom: I fuck shit. Those