DOD164: A Curry Curfew Conflict

Transcript

This transcript was generated automatically and may contain errors — the audio is the record.

0:00:02 Clip: I'm the cool dad. That's my thing. I know now what I can offer you that no one else can. Complete and utter dependence. I'm a man. I'm sensitive. I need to feel loved. I need to be desired.

0:00:22 Clip: Telling is the only part of being a father that I enjoy.

0:00:28 Tom: Welcome to Dear Old Dads, the podcast that's not at all sure what's normal, but this definitely isn't it. I'm Tom Curry. I'm joined, as always, by Thomas Smith and Eli Bosnick. Hello, gentlemen.

0:00:41 Eli: Until next week, Tom. But if you want to do it this week, okay.

0:00:42 Thomas: We're doing it right now I'm

0:00:43 Tom: You know, check the notes. It's 192. It's just pegging.

0:00:45 Eli: Well, I've told you, you can't start with a bad dragon. I'll tell you what I told you off -air, Tom, you gotta...

0:00:52 Tom: A bad dragon.

0:00:45 Thomas: With tom on this one we are definitely doing the pegging one that's is that a type of dildo or something

0:00:55 Eli: Oh, come on! God!

0:00:57 Tom: What the?

0:00:58 Eli: You guys are such squares. You guys're such squares... That's not even one of the weird ones! It doesn't even oviposite!

0:01:01 Thomas: It's not like that what the fuck uh

0:01:05 Tom: Doesn't even over posit.

0:01:08 Eli: Ridiculous. I'm supposed to eventually get you to the ovipositing squid dildos when you can't handle Bad Dragon?

0:01:10 Tom: This

0:01:10 Thomas: I know like tentacle one I've seen that's a reference I think I get that is something what's that probably

0:01:19 Eli: Have you kids heard of the Tentacle One? That's weird. Can I say it's weirder that you've heard of The Tenticle One and not Bad Dragon because it's what Lydia's into? Sure.

0:01:27 Thomas: Because it is more of a like bit because

0:01:31 Eli: I get it.

0:01:31 Thomas: More of like like an extreme joke where is this dragon one like just like I

0:01:35 Eli: Bad Dragon's straight from the hip. Yell Bad Dragon on the floor of a Comic -Con, you know exactly who's about to get uncomfortable and they're in a very intricate costume, if you know what I'm saying. But

0:01:47 Thomas: Don' know Tom I'm as lost as you what

0:01:49 Tom: Know, man. This still feels very niche. This feels extremely niche to me still.

0:01:51 Eli: Do you know the only thing more niche than my specialized dildo references? Why? It's the auto ads. Auto ads are for that very special niche of people who like their podcasting interrupted by wildly different volume ads. Now, you might be thinking, Eli, do you control the volume of those ads? I do. I set them to maximum volume and minimum volume only in order to deafen our listeners and drive them, drive them fleafully from our podcast to the warm embrace of patreon.com forward slash dear old dads, where for as little as 99 cents and two hay pennies, they get a commercial free version of every single show. They get a little parenting story at the end of every simple episode when Tom seems to show up and there's bonus bonus episodes with all kinds of fun stuff behind the scenes over at patreon.com forward slash dear old dads. Hey, it's baseball season. So you know what that means? Rip into it.

0:02:19 Thomas: That's not flea fully literally

0:02:24 Tom: Fleefly? Fleefily. You can download it fleefily?

0:02:51 Thomas: That's the about to be the World Series. So it's almost not baseball season.

0:02:53 Tom: Wait,

0:02:55 Eli: That's right. Which means it's fucking baseball season, you cuck.

0:02:58 Tom: Is it still baseball season? I thought

0:02:59 Thomas: It's not baseball season.

0:02:59 Tom: Baseball season was a summer sport.

0:03:00 Eli: It's baseball.

0:03:01 Thomas: No, it's the end. It is postseason. It literally almost over. We're like a week.

0:03:06 Eli: Are we in the baseball? See Thomas.

0:03:07 Thomas: You don't say it's baseball.

0:03:08 Tom: Can a baseball game at a stadium?

0:03:10 Thomas: No you can't unless you want to pay a million dollars because there's only two places that there will be games and it's Yankee Stadium and the Dodgers Stadium. Two of the most expensive places.

0:03:10 Eli: Thomas. Elizabeth. Elizabeth, Smith. Thomas, I'm going to tell you right now. I'm gonna Google when is baseball season. And if the results that come up are a date that is now, I'm Gonna Hang Myself on the Podcast.

0:03:24 Thomas: It's not you. You never say it's baseball season like like if it was the last week of school like finals and you're like, hey, back to school sale. That doesn't make any sense.

0:03:37 Eli: Not make any sense, but I'm till November 2nd of 2024. So everybody, you're gonna hear a mild choking and hopefully a heavy snap. And this is a two -hander.

0:03:46 Thomas: When it's tomato season, is that the last possible week you could You

0:03:50 Eli: It includes the

0:03:51 Tom: Until until you can no longer get a tomato from the vine I

0:03:52 Eli: Last day. Which is November 2nd in 2024 Thomas is

0:03:58 Tom: Feel like until guys with guts can't stand around and spit on the ground and pretend that they're actually athletes it's

0:03:58 Thomas: People are not sports people. I'm sorry. It's football season. It's hockey season. It's basketball season. It's not baseball season.

0:04:08 Eli: There gonna be a subway series uh my New Yorker friends are very excited about that

0:04:13 Thomas: Oh, oh, oh. The two New York teams going? Is that it? No, the Dodgers beat the Mets. Sorry.

0:04:15 Eli: The New York teams that yeah ah curses

0:04:18 Thomas: That would have been interesting, though.

0:04:19 Eli: San

0:04:20 Tom: Where are the dodgers at I

0:04:22 Thomas: Not in Brooklyn anymore, Tom.

0:04:23 Eli: Francisco the

0:04:24 Tom: Thought they were in my head. I'm like isn't it a is it is is that not a thing?

0:04:28 Eli: Brooklyn Dodgers and the last

0:04:29 Thomas: Not since 1936, whatever. It's been a long ass time. I thought that was you making an incredible joke, Tom, But that's actually, that would have been a very good joke, like a Monty Burns type.

0:04:35 Tom: I wish it was. I meant it. I also.

0:04:43 Eli: Be fair Tom stopped listening to baseball when when they integrated the leagues. He's a man of principle.

0:04:49 Thomas: Oh, man, that was incredible. Somebody Google when the Dodgers moved from Brooklyn.

0:04:51 Tom: Fuck. This happens to me all the time when people mention teams. And I'm like, I feel like that team was over here. And it's like, that's because that's what you learned once when you were nine. And I was like, all right, that is. That is fair. That is very fair.

0:05:05 Eli: The first

0:05:05 Thomas: I don't think you were nine. What

0:05:06 Eli: Game of the season was between the Los Angeles Dodgers, answering your question, Tom, and the San Diego Padres in Seoul, South Korea.

0:05:12 Tom: Los Angeles.

0:05:18 Thomas: Are you talking about? Oh, the first game of this season?

0:05:19 Tom: In SEAL.

0:05:21 Eli: Yeah.

0:05:21 Thomas: That's not the question.

0:05:21 Tom: You mean Seoul?

0:05:22 Eli: Seoul.

0:05:23 Thomas: The question was when they moved from Oakland to LA. That to LA in like 1956. And that was when Tom was nine. Apparently is what he's saying.

0:05:26 Eli: No, I was answering a different question because

0:05:35 Tom: Wait, they did? For real? Why do I think that they were in Brooklyn? Maybe that was on a TV show.

0:05:38 Thomas: So, cause you are insane, Tom. No, they are

0:05:38 Eli: Because they're called the Brooklyn Dodgers. Yeah.

0:05:41 Tom: Well, no, it's probably from an old TV show

0:05:41 Thomas: Not. They were called the Brooklyn Dodgers during the second world war, but as some, and maybe the Korean war. And then after that, they were the LA Dodgers for the rest of time. Oh

0:05:47 Eli: When Tom was born. Yeah.

0:05:50 Tom: Well, I probably watched a TV show and that's an old movie and in my brain I'm like well, that's all I know about baseball I never updated the RAM

0:05:56 Eli: The The first game of the season was in Seoul, South Korea. I don't think, is there a big baseball following there? And also they love baseball in South Korea it's

0:06:05 Tom: Or SEAL as no one pronounces it

0:06:10 Thomas: You idiots. I'm so sorry, Sorry, Eli, I shouldn't lump you in Tom, but yes, there's a massive Korean base, but like, like Asian baseball is, it's getting huge. Yeah, no, it'S getting huge, it, s, baseball is huge, uh Asian countries right now, it''s getting bigger, there, Otani is the biggest star and he plays for the the, Dodgers, we just signed him this season, he's not Korean, but he's, uh

0:06:19 Eli: Just one really big guy but he loves baseball in

0:06:32 Tom: In brooklyn obviously yeah

0:06:34 Eli: Brooklyn because he loves New York he wants a dirty water dog and riding the subway

0:06:35 Tom: He loves new york hey

0:06:41 Thomas: God, this is so weird doing

0:06:42 Tom: And this is why it's horrifying, terrifying as somebody who knows literally nothing I guess I didn't even know where the dodgers were and relocated in 1957 20 fucking 20 plus years 21 years before I was even born my brain's like I don't know I probably I saw an old movie. They're in Brooklyn. It's fine.

0:06:57 Thomas: Was such a good joke. Like, I think we should just edit. So that was a great joke Tom made.

0:07:02 Tom: That's great.

0:07:03 Eli: Just really got him Tom

0:07:05 Tom: All So I got to tell you guys a story where both Haley and I had like a parenting panic moment that was very much based on the crazy unhinged and very different ways that, that she and I were both parented. So Donovan, as you guys know, Donovan is in college now, so he's living at home, but he's going to college.

0:07:24 Thomas: I'm just trying to think of moral panics from the 40s that Tom could be talking about. They're dancing and touching each other slightly. Yeah, that's that's true, actually.

0:07:28 Eli: Loves moral panics yeah know there's not a moral panic that Tom doesn't currently subscribe to

0:07:35 Tom: This to most of them most of them are they're true they're all true look no so donovan is he's in college and you know over the summer we had encouraged donovan we gave donovan a car as his graduation present knowing he was going to need it to get back and forth to and from school and you know that was his graduation president and over the summer we kept encouraging him like what's 90 miles an hour now we we call him the violator because he got a notice of violation by the way it's really funny man

0:07:53 Eli: 90 miles an hour sometimes I

0:07:56 Thomas: Wait what wait did you cover that on here did he go 90 miles an hour oh fuck oh

0:08:01 Eli: Yeah, no, Tom messaged us, yeah

0:08:04 Tom: It he got his first traffic ticket and he was going uh think 20 or 21 miles over and like in illinois if he had been going any any faster any faster would have been a misdemeanor ticket which you could plead it down to a 1500 fine like he damn near got like getting taken away or missed me like a big ass ticket like but he was one mile under

0:08:09 Thomas: That's not cool oh shit oh

0:08:22 Eli: I remember the first time I got one of those and the cop had to be like, hey, man you get a lot of speeding tickets, and I was like, yeah don't worry, I'll ride there, and he was like this is, you gotta come back here, and I was like I got a what? And he Was like, yeah, you, um, you were going a hundred miles an hours and I Was like ahhhh Ah, but I'm in a hurry and no one cares about this state.

0:08:39 Tom: You're like but I'm barely safe at 45 miles

0:08:44 Eli: Yeah, exactly. I don't understand why this matters.

0:08:45 Tom: An hour

0:08:39 Thomas: My god here's the other thing to know Eli didn't drive until well into time when he should have known but this wasn't like ah 16 year old Eli

0:08:52 Eli: Thomas, you were in my like eighth time in a car in the best video ever.

0:08:56 Tom: My lord but

0:08:55 Thomas: That's what's really so it's really haunting me about this bit yeah I

0:08:57 Tom: It was also your fourth car that you would run through at that point so god

0:09:01 Thomas: Crazy. Nobody should do, go a hundred. I'm sorry. Like jokes aside, like that's not, that'S too fast.

0:09:07 Eli: It's a terrible.

0:09:07 Thomas: Don't do that.

0:09:08 Eli: I rarely do the like, don't do what I do kids thing because I think it doesn't work. But like, Don't ever go fast in a it's such an easy way to die.

0:09:17 Thomas: Look, you want to roll a stop sign? Fine. Totally. Traffic infractions I'm great with. Park wherever you want.

0:09:22 Eli: Want to drive drunk? Get in there. You deserved it. You had a hard day.

0:09:25 Thomas: That, no, we're back to that. No, don't

0:09:24 Tom: That is not the official that is not no that is bad no all right while

0:09:27 Thomas: Listen to Eli. He had a hard day.

0:09:30 Eli: You want to give roadhead while you drive? Yes, obviously. You and your partner will never experience such pleasure, but

0:09:34 Tom: You drive the

0:09:35 Thomas: You want to take the dry red dragon? What was it? Dragon. I can, I already forget. Double, Eli,

0:09:39 Tom: The double dragon or whatever I don't remember what this yeah bad

0:09:41 Eli: Don't go over a hundred miles an hour.

0:09:42 Thomas: What was the dildo name? I'm trying to reference it. Bad Dragon.

0:09:46 Eli: Bad dragon.

0:09:46 Tom: Dragon yeah the trogdor it was it's called the trodor yeah so

0:09:48 Eli: Dear old dance. That's me turning while I'm going a hundred miles an hour and waiting at the camera and then I just hit a kid and he just bursts into vapor like there's nothing dental records don't do it I

0:10:01 Tom: That so jesus christ so yeah fucking backing over a pram at 100 miles an hour jesus Christ but

0:10:10 Eli: Forwarded over a pram listen I remember your stories the

0:10:14 Thomas: He's made eye contact with the baby that wasn't there.

0:10:16 Eli: Pram yeah such

0:10:17 Tom: So all right so Donovan's you know over the summer we kept encouraging him like to go out and do more stuff out of the house and over the Summer he had kind of a bummer Summer he didn't do as much as we had thought and kind of hoped that he was going to do he got out of the house a little bit but not as much as we had kind of wanted him to and now he's in school now he's developing a larger social circle and he's doing a lot more socializing all of which is great that's 100 what we want but this issue came up just the other night on like friday that like we had no idea how to respond to it like so much we didn't have any idea of how to correspond to it that we both kind of had this internal panic and we both like looked at each other hayley and I looked at each other like what the fuck are we supposed to do now so donovan just kind of announces casually that he's not going to make it to breakfast in the morning so I take the kids to breakfast on sunday mornings like just just me and the kids

0:11:07 Tom: It's kind of like a thing we do so was like oh yeah breakfast done are we doing breakfast on Sunday everybody at nine o'clock and everyone's like yeah and donovan's like no no I'm gonna be out real late saturday and just kind of just says it like can I go out or I'm planning just just sort of like uh casually eventually mentioning that I'm gonna be out really late on saturday and so I I just kind of file it away I'm like I'll just chat with hayley about it and see if she already knows because sometimes he's already told his mom and just I'm not you know up to speed or vice versa and so later I'm like hey you know I guess donovan's gonna go out like really late I'm Not sure what that means she's like oh it's first I've heard

0:11:07 Thomas: That was nice.

0:11:20 Eli: A teen move the best teen move what

0:11:39 Thomas: Uh

0:11:39 Tom: Of it so later we're having making some food and donovan is there I was like hey what's the plan for saturday yeah like what's The plan for set well well, no, but this is the problem. So it was like, what's the plan? He's like, oh yeah, I'm going to this bonfire party. And I, you know, what time are you going to be home? Ah, two or three, somewhere around. And Haley and I kind of look at each other and I got to give you guys the background because it'll really help kind of like frame this in perspective. So when I was growing up, I think I mentioned this before, when I Was growing up into my, know first you year, year and a half, maybe two years of college. I can't remember precisely. Nicely my dad had the same curfew for me that he had all through high school which was 6 p .m so

0:11:44 Eli: The fuck man yep same

0:12:18 Tom: Every day I had to be home at 6 p.m to have dinner and after dinner he would let me go back out and hang out with my friends but more often than not no more often then not my dad's line was like ah you're already home just staying and then you'd be like fuck so you're locked in at like six o'clock like all through hi school in the first year or so of college it was a wildly insane curfew. Yeah, my dad was a crazy person about Yeah.

0:12:20 Eli: Girl same name yeah

0:12:33 Thomas: Sorry, what age? I lost Yeah.

0:12:38 Eli: So graduated high school me yeah me too tom uh

0:12:43 Tom: That's insane, right? That's patently insane. 6 p.m. for dinner for an 18, 19-year-old kid is literally crazy. That is absolutely fucking bonkers, right.

0:12:53 Thomas: That stupid. Okay. OK, you know, Tom, congratulations for recognizing your dad's insanity this once.

0:12:59 Tom: I what I did every day is I would wait for my dad to go to sleep at 8:30 or 9 o'clock because he had to get up at 4 30 in the morning to work his two or three jobs so I wait for him to go to sleep and then I would just open my window crawl out onto my deck hop the fence and go meet my buddies and then we would go do whatever we wanted until you know like the joke was like well when you hear the birds chirping it's time to get back home because it's probably about 4 30 or 5 dawn is coming dad's gonna be awake so I snuck out every single night like it never kept me in I now just I was gone and nobody knew where I was like that was the solution which was like way way less safe right like my solution was like Like, I'm not going to be trapped in the house as an 18 or 19 year old. That's just not goingto happen. What I am going to do is sneak the fuck out, though.

0:13:41 Eli: Tom my question is because it seems like we're on the same page except for the sneaking out part obviously what about when you had like school activities or club activities were you allowed to do those or was it like no nothing after six

0:13:52 Thomas: Remember, he couldn't do famously the wrestling team he practiced and then couldn't wrestle, which is insane to me.

0:13:53 Tom: I wasn't allowed to do stuff.

0:13:57 Eli: That was because he couldn't go to the meet I wasn't sure if there were like other things okay then all

0:14:00 Thomas: It's because because he had to tell his dad. Right. Wasn't it?

0:14:02 Tom: Yeah, it's.

0:14:02 Eli: I withdraw my yes ending from the curfew thing because I was allowed activities

0:14:05 Thomas: Remember Remember when Eli roasted you for not listening to his stories a second ago? Because you were wrong. You were wrong about the manner in which he tried to kill a baby.

0:14:10 Eli: I listened I listened I wasn's sure if I was wrong about it exactly she

0:14:17 Thomas: You know, you had the wrong like methodology.

0:14:21 Tom: The directionality. So then like Haley's experience was the exact opposite. So by the time Haley was 16, 17 years old, her parents had entirely given up the idea of any kind of parenting for Haley. So she would stay out all night, four or five, six in the morning, come back, fake ID, go clubbing, come home, drink. I mean, like literally like the leash is entirely off for Haney. So her experience was and she understands, too, by the way, that was insane.

0:14:28 Eli: Was pregnant yeah

0:14:49 Thomas: You guys aren't into leash play either. Jeez. What do you do? Sorry.

0:14:52 Eli: What do you tie the end of the bad dragon tune this just makes no sense yeah that's where you take dildos outside and you you beat up a bunch of thugs that are overrunning your town two dimensions and and a little stereotypical in a way that doesn't hold up to time and space right

0:14:56 Tom: We got to get the double dragon or whatever. And then so

0:15:04 Thomas: That are in two dimensions and pixely. Yeah.

0:15:12 Tom: I we're both in this moment having this this reaction to this information where like I'm having a visceral reaction to being told rather than asked what somebody is going to do. Right. And want I wantto say like that's also insane. Same right if he had gone away to college like many kids do instead of living at home his curfew would be whenever the fuck he decided to come back to his dorm right of his friends have curfues in the same way right through the summer we kept encouraging him to go out and he didn't really take us up on it too much but as like time is going on and now he's like he's got got freedom he's got mobility we've been encouraging him to go out but like I still irrationally I'm like you don't fucking tell me what you're doing you ask and then I will decide whether or not I'm saying yes even though to I I'm want going to say yes 100 of the time but now that you've told me there's a part of me that's like well first of all fuck you and like

0:15:59 Eli: Course you don't know a hundred percent yeah absolutely

0:16:10 Tom: That's wildly reactionarily insane that's insane I want you to but I wantto put out there that is wrong and I didn't do it but that's what my guts told me

0:16:13 Eli: Not it's a normal wrong incorrect that is a correct reaction.

0:16:19 Thomas: I have a question for you, Tom, before I have a take on this. Do you think was his motivation in that moment? Was it oh, I hope I get away with this. If I act really confident, then maybe I'll just, or do you thing it was just like, oh no, he thought it was fine because of whatever the past interactions have been and he didn't really mean anything by it.

0:16:27 Eli: 1 1,000%. No

0:16:27 Tom: Not at all no zero percent yeah a thousand percent the second one I know donovan really well and we talked about it we talked about it at length with donovan so of all all of his peers seem to have a tremendous amount of freedom and to be fair I think that a lot of them had more freedom than he did in terms of like deciding their own schedules. They had jobs. They had a lot more just sort of like independence than we really thought was going to be good for Donovan specifically as a person. So he didn't have he little more control around him as parents because I think Donovan needed a little bit more like guidance. And I think like to kind of call back, there's that really strong autonomy responsibility relationship relationship that I think exists you know where the more the more autonomy you want the more responsibility you have to take on and if I'm gonna have more responsibility for you you're gonna have a little less autonomy as a result and there's that balance that gets struck you know and I know we did an episode on it but also just irrationally I this real moment where I was like I don't like being told I want to still be asked

0:16:39 Thomas: Don't get mad then. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

0:16:41 Eli: Way. Completely agree with your irrational feelings, Tom. Do not sit there drinking milk from my refrigerator telling me what time you're going to get home. I am not the holiday fucking in. You don't let me know what time your checking in and checking out.

0:17:43 Tom: Dude this is literally the kind of thinking that I had, I want to tell you, like, like tell the whole story. I promise in pieces, but like there was a time too, when I did get the sort of, you the rains know, taken off of me. And I don't know exactly when it was, cause it was kind of this informal sort of drift that occurred when I was a teenager and young person where I did have, you kind of autonomy to come and go. I was in college. Had a full -time job was going to school full -term was out and about with my friends so I was like almost never home except for to sleep and my dad at one point blew up at me and I'll still remember this because he never really like got mad but he got really upset like emotionally upset and he's like look this isn't a hotel for you to come and go as you please like we're a family I expect to still see you and I remember being like fuck I hadn't thought of that now that's not what donovan was doing donovan literally has never done this before at all right also recognize like if if he wasn't living at home to go to school he would have that autonomy staying out at night is not abnormal for a freshman in college going out and having a good time and staying out late that's actually super fucking normative was just reacting to it because I'm a fucking lunatic who had to come home at six o 'clock and I feel like midnight is a gift from the fucking gods and that's bonkers too right because Because

0:19:11 Eli: Disagree.

0:19:11 Tom: Like I said, if he went away to school, what would his rules be? Don't die and I'll see you on Christmas. I mean, that's like ALL YOU CAN CONTROL.

0:19:12 Eli: Let me push back against that, right? Because I think that is a common and misconception propagated by big teenager right but the truth is I grew up in a college town and anyone who's grown up in college town knows colleges are the bouncy houses of cities right the place over there where I go to the cafeteria and get yum yum food that mommy and daddy paid for

0:19:33 Thomas: The way you know is university police only sometimes kill black people.

0:19:42 Eli: Yeah exactly the university police find you drunk and vomiting on the floor and they're like all right let's take you back to the very special apartment that we we have in our very special apartment building full of children you're allowed to fuck right like it's a it's not he wouldn't be out in the thing and I'll say let me say this because you're saying oh Donovan wasn't pushing it I don't fucking believe that shit for a second but okay okay okay no okay I believe you look I'm not there I'm Not There I don' believe him I don believe him because I was also a good kid who started to try to get away with shit I will say I was a curfew kid now with the exception of my activities were always allowed so I had rehearsals until late at night I had activities and parties and things that I was allowed to go to but my parents knew about them right that was curfew curfue was hey school lets out at 3 30 you can do whatever the fuck you want as long as you're not being weird at dinner time then you come back at dinner right that Was sort of the open plan and then at dinner if there were activities after that we talked about it as a family now I didn't sneak out I hung out with my parents because they fucking ruled they were my best buds we hung out we had a great time it went great every time the minute that went off because here I can speak to the person who goes away to college and has no rules the minute dat went off they left me in new york city with the middle of new yor city's village to do whatever I wanted I got super addicted to drugs got arrested brutalized by police became a 9 -11 truther and entered four simultaneous bad relationships with one person who was 20 years older than me you

0:20:06 Tom: I don't. I don'T. No, you don't, not for a second. You just said it.

0:21:21 Thomas: Holy shit.

0:21:23 Eli: Know why because I had a stupid 19 year old brain had a 19 year olds brain that needs to be kept in a jar pushback

0:21:31 Tom: Yeah. Well, Yeah. We're talking to Donovan and he's like, and he also, he's pushing back. So I'm like, what do you mean? Like, you're not staying out until two or three. And he's, like, well, why? And – and he is not that kid usually. And he was really pushing back and I was just, like… I was explaining to him, like. I you don't just decide. Like, just can't. And I couldn't come up with a reason why two or three was different than 12 or one, right? Because – but then also, yes, it is. Because when I was talking to Haley later, I'm, like well, then why two or three why not four or five or why not five or six like if there's no difference between 6 a .m then why not make it thursday you can come home or why even you know like it all just kind of descends into nothing right

0:21:42 Thomas: Full team Donovan on this one. That famous parenting thing. Yeah, that is so Tom.

0:22:09 Eli: Me give you an argument tom yeah something good that happens to a child at 1 a.m what's

0:22:15 Tom: I literally said that to him I literally said I'm like look the world is not safe after 1 a.

0:22:16 Eli: That the only answer you have is that santa delivers the presents

0:22:20 Tom: M I

0:22:20 Eli: Yeah of course it's not that's for the grown -up times that's literally where the grownups are

0:22:25 Thomas: On. How old is this kid? 12, 13? What are we talking? 18 well it sounds like he's an adult so shut the fuck up be like

0:22:28 Tom: He's he's 18 he's He's an 18 -year -old. He's a freshman in college, yeah. He's not, though. Like, I don't buy that. Like, 18 isn't an adult.

0:22:35 Eli: Drunken milk out of tom's fridge my my aunt has a saying she says you are an adult when you're You're 40 with two kids. And I firmly believe it. This fucking, they did not hand him a diploma and his balls grew hair. That's not how it works.

0:22:47 Thomas: We can vote we could send him off to die in a fucking war the least he can do is have a late bedtime you know like come on

0:22:51 Eli: That's a terrible idea.

0:22:54 Tom: But none of that is anything. Yeah. That's the problem is, like and Haley is over there. So the other thing, too and I want to, you'll love this story. So, Haley and I both have experiences with bonfire parties, right? So when he says he's going to a bonfire party, so very briefly, Haley and I both have very different experiences, but neither one were cash money to borrow your term Eli about like what a bonfire party is. Right. So very briefly like a bonhire party for me was like a party at a girl named Missy's house where the lunatic wrestling Federation had a makeshift ring in her farm of a backyard, 150 to 200 people would be there. Everybody would be fucking drinking and doing whatever there would be a a show

0:23:08 Thomas: You mentioned this on was this oh maybe this was the story was jesus christ the bonfire was

0:23:40 Tom: Yeah they're it was fucking nuts like I don't know if you know anything at all about wrestling but like phil brooks the wwe wrestler came out of the lwf which came out of missy's backyard I wrestled that guy

0:23:40 Thomas: A human sacrifice I thought you were joking about the rest okay

0:23:54 Tom: This was like legit they're was fucking nut so there's 150 200 people there's fights there's drinking there's people jumping over the bonfire there's literally a wrestling where people are bleeding and shaving each other's fucking hair and shit things were out of fucking control right I almost died literally three times I can remember off the top of my head legitimately almost died almost fell in a grain silo almost got crushed by a truck I mean like crazy shit on the other side of the spectrum Haeley grew up in the country she went to these fucking farm parties and bonfire parties same thing just like way more drugs and alcohol a lot less wrestling right? So she was unsafe chemically. I never drank and did drugs, but I just would like get in fights and do stupid shit and almost die physically. She did a ton of drugs and like almost died chemically, right? And so like we both had wildly different experiences that both told us the same thing, which is like a bonfire party all night is essentially a death sentence for a teenager,

0:24:07 Thomas: Jesus Christ yep

0:24:15 Eli: That's what he can remember.

0:24:17 Thomas: Yep yep

0:24:51 Eli: Correct.

0:24:51 Tom: Even though we both did it. And so did everybody in our generation and none of us died. So now Donovan wants to go to this bonfire Party. I got to also give you the context. The bonfire went to a bonfire party at the same kids house video they found a cat and played with the cat and they had lightsaber battles there

0:25:09 Eli: You told this is the patron stories.

0:25:10 Tom: Were 12 or13 people right so is not like he's not going to the same kinds of parties that we're going to but we're having this like huge reaction to him wanting to go and be out like crazy late and all night so

0:25:19 Thomas: Was this the bonfires bonfire party that he wanted to stay out for was it something else separate one another one like

0:25:24 Tom: Is a separate one this is another other like this is now a thing these guys are doing like this is now like, right? Yeah, this is like a thing I guess that they're that they are doing now like amongst themselves. So but and I had to like go into another room and sit down and talk and be like, all right. So my life experience teaches me that I should make him stay come home at 6 p .m. as an almost you know, it's a high school graduate and a college student and her life experience is like well basically kids should have no rules in the house is an Airbnb and B. And we're both like, well, that can't be it. That's one of those things we're like, well, we were parented badly. How do we do this differently? And we had never encountered that before. We had never encounter a situation where neither one of us knew what to do in the moment. And we weren't just like kind of instinctually on the same or similar page. And then we had to have this like long, actually kind of long involved conversation that we had a call Donovan in and have a long conversation with him because we had no idea how to manage the rapid acceleration acceleration of growing up. Cause like, that's something that you don't really, I think, prepare for as a parent is little, the growing up is the rains don't come off as quickly, but then once they reach their certain point in their teen years, and especially with like a car, it's like all of a sudden there's this rapid acceleration of like the dangers that they can get in the amount of autonomy that's actually kind of socially and and appropriate to give them and like you've just got to like be like all right cool I guess you're a grown -up now

0:25:27 Thomas: We're gonna adopt another cat

0:26:51 Tom: What you months ago three months ago I'd have been like be home by midnight and you would have been like, that's great, yes

0:26:54 Thomas: Changing his diapers oh well

0:26:58 Eli: Because the yeah, thing is, Right, with the teenage switch, because I saw this with my sister, right? Right. The difference is like as they grow. Right. You're like, oh, look at you. You can read now. You can write now. Oh, you have likes and wants and desires now. All these are things we're growing as a family. And then one day they turn to you and they're like I mean you're kind of my family but like I'm my own guy now. And you're like huh? And they're like yeah. No, I'm like my own person and I got my own priorities and stuff. And you're Like, okay. Well, I loved a little boy with my whole heart and soul where is he and he's like I don't know, I'm really liking this girl Stephanie in class and you're like oh cool cool cool anyway see you around two or three in the morning hope a real grown-up doesn't fuck me to death, nothing worry, don't try to stop it or you're mean, 90 miles an hour comes peEling out of your fucking driveway, I

0:27:51 Thomas: And that's my transition to, which is, I think, uh, is one thing but I feel like you're underreacting to the mile 90 an hour tick, because that would be my go-to would be, oh what was he going this

0:28:00 Tom: Well he wasn't going 90 miles an hour, no, he was going like 20 over it It was going like 50 something in a 40 something or whatever. So he was, it was like the speed limit was like, no, I don't remember exactly what it was, but yeah, no. He was going to the expressway. He was like 20 over, but he wasn't going, he wasn't on the expressway.

0:28:07 Thomas: Is like 10 over her okay it wasn't like insane

0:28:15 Tom: So it wasn't.

0:28:15 Thomas: Oh I okay that's

0:28:16 Eli: Pretty sure if he was actually going 90, Tom wouldn't have been like really disappointed, you close of a mystery

0:28:20 Thomas: What I was incredibly surprised about

0:28:22 Tom: Eli made that part up. Yeah. No. Eli made THAT part up

0:28:23 Eli: Thank

0:28:24 Thomas: Sorry my that's on me, I should know that nothing eli says is ever true but you did say I mean combined with the fact tom that I thought you said it was like oh it's one mile an hour short of a you know of a fucking felony

0:28:26 Eli: You thank you thomas yeah

0:28:33 Tom: It was one mile an hour short of the, of the misdemeanor ticket. Yeah.

0:28:35 Thomas: Misdemeanor Um, means he might have been past that, but the cop was like nice about it. Honestly, that's usually what that means.

0:28:41 Tom: I think that might've been the case.

0:28:42 Eli: They usually just mark you under speaking

0:28:43 Thomas: My, honestly, my, my lot of my parenting in this situation might be related to that. Like, oh, okay, well, we can talk curfew, but also, what, driving unsafely, that's incredibly important to me. Like, staying out late, uh, a vacuum to me, don't care, as long as you're doing safe stuff, driving too fast, not safe, very, very much care about that. That has much more of an impact.

0:29:05 Tom: Well, yeah. So the driving fast thing, like I think we did. That was the thing. Like with Haley and I was easy for us to handle. We're both very much on the same page. It's like, all right, you're going to take the defensive driving class. You're goingto pay extra. It'S all coming out of your pocket. You're we didn 'T help with any part of it. I was like, well, it looks like you got to go to the store and buy a stamp because you have to mail that in. Looks like you've got to go to the bank and buy a money order. Like we made it as obnoxious and inconvenient.

0:29:25 Eli: Tom's just licking all the stamps in the house oh I'm gonna mail myself to china today

0:29:30 Tom: We don't own any stamps it's 2024 but like yeah we made it as inconvenient as possible for him to do the things he had to do in order to solve that problem so

0:29:40 Thomas: Mr. Brooklyn Dodgers. Don't know any stamps? We're all on Telegraph here in this Curry household. It's Brooklyn, Brooklyn Dodges. The Dodgers

0:29:47 Tom: Who has a stamp like a stamp? Like I wouldn't have a stamp I

0:29:51 Thomas: Are in L.A., Tom. I don't know what your world is. I don't know what's happening.

0:29:52 Tom: Don't actually had we had to tell them like where you can mail something out because we don't send who sends outbound mail that's a fucking crazy person thing to do

0:30:03 Eli: Have you put mail in your mailbox recently my postal worker looks at me like Like, what the fuck are you doing? No, I do this, you asshole. It's so rare.

0:30:08 Thomas: Oh, Oh, we can do that. Weird.

0:30:13 Eli: No. I do it when my postal worker is like, I don't know what this is for. Your mailbox decoration is broken, man.

0:30:16 Tom: This is delivery only that's weird but It's funny to me to like see the places where, when you're parented in a way that just wasn't functional, and it intersects where you're just like, all right, because I think instinctively a lot of us feel like when a situation arises a certain way based on how our own life experiences then like you're Just like well I don't want to do that and you recognize first like okay I don't Want to do That but then you're like well fuck I actually don't know what it is that I want to do and I had all this thinking ahead of time about you know all this you know relationship between autonomy and responsibility and all that but I never really thought through like it was going to feel to me as

0:30:22 Eli: Crazy. Right.

0:30:57 Tom: A parent being asked to do something that I was like instinctively like I'm just like no that's too late two or three and Haley's like no like stay out late like what difference does it make like legitimately like what she's like I don't I'm up till two or 3 8 every day I'm like that's the middle of the night just because you're up late doesn't mean that that's not super duper late that's crazy late so we finally had to like like, sit and talk with him and explain, like, hey, like the world isn't as safe as you think it is, first of all. And I did have to tell him, like, I have a friend who's a cop. And when he became a pop, he wanted more.

0:31:29 Eli: You stop being his friend.

0:31:31 Thomas: I hope so. I was hoping that was the story.

0:31:32 Tom: I did. I stopped being his friend after he became a cop, so he became a cop and we became a, and I was hanging out with him for a little while after he was a cop he decided to go to night shift. He wanted to work night shift because he wanted to get in more fights and he wanted more activity and action and it was boring to work during the day

0:31:48 Thomas: I always wonder who is a cop. And that sounds like the person. Yeah? What

0:31:51 Tom: It's that guy it's the guy for sure and I was explaining this to donovan I was like look man it doesn't matter that much if you make I mean it does but like you got to make good choices but like the world is not making good choices from like midnight to 5 a .m yeah

0:32:06 Eli: That's That's when the bad choice people come out. If the bad choice people come out during the day, people call the police and they're like, Fred, what did we say about coming out before midnight? And he's like, sorry. Back into his knife hutch.

0:32:19 Tom: I mean, I literally looked it up, and showed Donovan, and I sent him a link, and I said, look, people are more risk averse during the day and less risk averse at night, regardless of whether they're drinking or anything else. Like something happens in our brains. We We take more risks at nighttime. We all do it. I don't know why. But look, my buddy Darren wanted to go out and get in fistfights. They did that at night. That's what he wanted to do. Did that at nighttime for a reason, because there's more activity and there's more action.

0:32:45 Thomas: A cop name too. Fucking Darren. Fuck that guy.

0:32:47 Tom: I know. I know, I so it was just it was just a kind of a totally weird and unhinged kind of parenting moment where you're like well neither of our life experiences has led us to kind of get to an understanding here but

0:32:49 Eli: Darren Blue Gatorade O

0:33:04 Thomas: What's the setting of these parties again, is it like a public-y place, or it's

0:33:10 Tom: This is like it's some guy's house so it's so out where we're at if you go west of the of where I'm at one foot you're in the middle of the corn forever so I'm in the middle of the very bleeding edge of the western suburbs in Chicago. And genuinely, a half a mile west of me is nothing but corn for all of the rest of the world into Iowa. There's nothing forever. So it's some little farm town, 45 minutes away from the house. So it was just some kid who's got a... We looked it up on Google Maps, where there's zooming in and stuff. It's just some kids in a nice enough little house in a nice enough neighborhood with a bunch of his buddies. And they're just hanging out and having a bonfire or whatever. I really don't think that there's anything more genuinely with Donovan. I don't believe that there is anything more to it. But it is just like one of those things where you are like. Man, I actually life experience has not prepared me in any way. To handle this moment. And I was thinking about this afterwards. That I am also going to have real negative and strong feelings. Which I will have to get over and not vocalize. The first time he drinks. The first times he does any, any, like if he comes home, you done any drugs or drinking, I'm gonna fucking flip out on it inside, and I'm not going to be able to do that externally at all, and Haeley and I will have very different

0:33:17 Thomas: Corn yeah it's just corn sounds

0:34:24 Tom: Reactions to that

0:34:24 Thomas: Like he should go live on his own

0:34:26 Eli: Luckily, you're a master of emotional disguise, so he'll never know. Comes home, hey, what's up, pops? Hello, Donovan. If you'll excuse me, I have to go squeeze the floor joists. I was planning to do that anyways. Mwah, mwah, daddy loves you. This is why you need to have Donovan's first time doing quite literally any drug with me. That's what I'm saying.

0:34:57 Eli: You a scared straight program? Program you do app you do fucking salvia with me as your first drug experience you're straight edge for the rest of your life hey dad's fat rabbi friend made me see God's butthole, so I've decided, I know what a Bad Dragon is, and when the Dodgers were moved to la but I'd also never like to touch drugs again I'm just saying there's a solution and it's me in

0:34:56 Tom: It's no a thousand percent no no forever no thousand percent no god yeah no just hard no yeah no

0:35:26 Thomas: That's what Eli thinks about everything uh

0:35:30 Eli: Out of the room for a second, right? Jokes out of the room for just a second, right, I have thought about this as well, right, jokes aside, I don't actually want to be like the super controlling parent with the, you know, you have to be home by 2 AM or whatever crazy thing it is, right, I want to be flexible.

0:35:42 Thomas: Narrator that's because he's spying on Max's entire life oh I want to be the chill parent who just has 47 cameras on him at all times yeah

0:35:46 Eli: Yes, obviously, that's because he's, right he's he's wearing the, the stuffy that has a secret camera in him, but that doesn't, that is neither here nor there. No, I wanna be a flexible parent who delivers autonomy I wonder if part of that conversation with Donovan because this is sort of what I practice in my head was you explaining that you love him significantly more than he loves him which is why your risk metrics are different right

0:36:19 Tom: I did not think about that, I did not think about that at all, I don't even know that that's like, I, here's the thing, charitably, I wish that that were the reason I do think that part of the reason I'm so reactive to this is that I just was raised wrong and I have a set of like expectations around like like a really conservative expectation set around behavior that is maladaptive and bad and like not functional and I totally get that like I I've been thinking about this non -stop and I think that one of the things that's true is that at some point he will treat the house for a while like a fucking airbnb that's just gonna happen yeah

0:37:00 Thomas: Well you pay Airbnb, though, is he, is he paying rent so free Airbnb

0:37:03 Tom: You know or like you know like a like a free hotel like yeah I think he's gonna and I'm gonna fucking resent that for a little while and i'M GONNA HATE THAT AND I THINK THAT THAT'S WRONG I think THAT THAT'S ACTUALLY VERY NORMAL FOR KIDS TO DO THAT FOR A LITTLE WHILE And then to kind of figure out how to come to respectful agreements that what what we did talk to him about was like, hey, look, we're going to have to come up with a better way to do this that respects everybody in the house and our worry for you, because it is my job to worry for you. Long I as I have responsibility for you. I will always worry about you. And so I can't fall asleep comfortably knowing that you're out like and not home. I just

0:37:42 Eli: Course

0:37:42 Tom: Can't do it. You am going to keep my ringer on on my phone. I am going to try to stay awake. I am going to be worried while you're out. Part of what we have to do here.

0:37:48 Thomas: Don't need another thing keeping Tom from getting sleep please Donovan now the show needs to intervene

0:37:52 Eli: I was going to say hypothetically Tom speaks one hour a night anyways so it doesn't really

0:37:57 Tom: Had, So, we had to have a talk about like, look like if you were to move out and get a roommate, you wouldn't be able to like bring people home at 3 a .m. loud and having a party because like, You know, it's that responsibility autonomy thing, right? Like you don't have responsibility for the whole rent, but you don'T have autonomy to do whatever you want so like as long as like we're kind of cohabitating here we got to figure out how to do it in a way that respects that I care about you and I can't fucking sleep and I'm gonna worry about you because if you get into trouble who are you gonna call you're gonna call me so I have to be available for that and he he pushed back on that too a little bit he's like well he's I've got triple a you know like whatever I don't remember what he said but he was basically like well just like what would happen to you if you were out late and I am like dude I got like 20 adults I can call for help it's it's not the same like I know where my

0:38:41 Eli: Cecil Cecil I got drunk Tom

0:38:43 Thomas: Like, I got two adults I can call, and then he kissed each bicep, you know, and just, he has a name for him I couldn't I

0:38:49 Eli: Tom

0:38:48 Tom: Like I Know where my I know Where my like health insurance card is you know

0:38:50 Thomas: Need eli to come up with better name for him

0:38:53 Eli: How much money for you to call Cecil at 2 a .m. this morning and be like I got drunken at a party will you come get me a hundred percent a hundred percent he he'd be like I'm actually already in the car you called me at two in the morning and it had to be an emergency so

0:38:54 Thomas: Tango

0:39:01 Tom: Dude, you know, a thousand percent you'd be like, yeah, I'll be there in 30 minutes Yep, like Yep Yep,

0:39:10 Thomas: Sword should I bring what kind of combat are we looking at here who

0:39:14 Tom: Cecil would be like first of I've air tagged you a long time ago. So I know where you're at. It's fine.

0:39:17 Thomas: Has high ground and this what's the terrain uh need to know what length the blade oh

0:39:21 Tom: I, a funny quick story, about, I was riding the first year I tried my hand at like cycling. I didn't know how to change a tire on the side of the road. And it didn't occur to me that you had to pump up your tires every time you went out on a road bike. So I went out time and time and again, and the whole time, like the air is going out. So I ended up getting a flat, like 25 miles from home. And I'm like on this trail, I don't have an extra tire inner tube, my little lad costume and everything. And so I'm walking like, they're So I actually, I texted Cecil just a picture of myself, like laughing at me. I'm like, look at this dumb ass. And he's like, where are you at? I'll be there in a half hour. Like, he immediately dropped everything and he was working full time at the time. He immediately dropped everything and drove out without even asking. I was just texting him a funny picture of me being in my like fucking fucking bare feet walking down this path. So yeah, no hesitation from that guy.

0:39:41 Thomas: And your little lad costume too oh

0:39:44 Eli: That's why they end up ghosts all the time yeah they're I didn't have any of those friends until dad friends, like, I don't live close enough to you guys that that would be, because I think both of you uh would do that if I lived within the vicinity there's thomas would actually foresee based on a bad activity I made he'd just be waiting at that point in the path and be like yeah I did uh I've

0:40:19 Tom: I wouldn't do it anyway.

0:40:28 Thomas: Plus I'm up so late anyway I'd probably help you

0:40:31 Eli: Been sitting here doing the editing because I knew you'd probably pop a tire about here are you gonna gonna get in the car I'm

0:40:34 Thomas: And I will have warned you about it I'd be mad that you I'd only be mad that he didn't listen to me I wouldn't care about having to drive out to get you

0:40:42 Eli: Not mad about it I just I just wish you hadn't done it it's fine

0:40:44 Thomas: Just remember what I said just remember this is why I said this there was a reason I don't just say things for no reason

0:40:48 Eli: I just pointed it out I just I have the audio recorded and I have it going all the time just in case yeah but until I had dad friends I didn't have because I love my New York friends and I love My Social Circle but but they're all much younger than me. And I cannot tell you, from the bottom of my heart, I adore my friends. I could call them with the most important medical emergency in the world. I could be like, Max is dying, and someone needs to bring a Hershey bar to a train station in New Jersey, or he will die. And they'd be like... I have a lunch thing. Every single one. I adore them, but every single one of them until I had dad friends and I actually discovered that I had this with dad friends because I was just bitching on our dad thread I was like oh man we got to do this with the airport and we got done we had to do this and I'd already made all the plans and one of pointed out hey man next time I will happily drive your kid to school and drive you to the airport и drop you off and I just never had that friend before so I was like gay you love me is why probably because you're

0:41:59 Eli: So gay for me

0:42:00 Thomas: Mr. Sleeps in the same bed with his dad. Well, I guess to be fair, that's part of the same universe. Okay, so you are. You do.

0:42:06 Eli: It's cinematic universe, yeah, exactly, yeah, it's all coming together, all right gentlemen before we go do you know the best key for opening a banana a monkey uh

0:42:30 Clip: Want to meet sexy DILFs in your area? Email the dads at DearOldDads.com or, better yet, send us a message on Patreon. You can follow us on all social media by checking the links in the show notes. And if you need more podcasts in your life, you can find Tom on Cognitive Dissonance, Thomas on Serious Inquiries Only, and Eli on Godawful Movies and all the Puzzle in the Thunderstorm shows. Dear Old Dads is edited and produced by my favorite DILf, tom smith who also wrote and recorded the intro music which is used with his permission this podcast is a production of daddy issues llc copyright 2022 all rights reserved

0:43:10 Eli: Baseball.

0:43:12 Tom: Where are the Dodgers at, I

0:43:13 Eli: Fair, Tom stopped listening to baseball when, when they integrated the leagues. He's a man of principle.

0:43:18 Thomas: Just trying to think of moral panics from the 40s that Tom could be talking about.

0:43:22 Eli: Forwarded over a pram, listen, I remember your stories, the you'll excuse me, I have to go squeeze the floor joists. Was planning to do that anyways. A solution and it's me in

0:43:26 Thomas: That's on me, I should know that nothing Eli says is ever true, but