DOD156: Men Who Think They Could Run 5 Yards in an NFL Game

Transcript

This transcript was generated automatically and may contain errors — the audio is the record.

0:00:02 Clip: I'm the cool dad. That's my thing. I know now what I can offer you that no one else can. Complete and utter dependence. I'm a man. I'm sensitive. I need to feel loved. I need to be desired.

0:00:22 Clip: Telling is the only part of being a father that I enjoy.

0:00:29 Tom: Dear old dads the podcast that's pretty sure could score at least a few points at wimbledon I'm tom curry I'm joined as always by thomas smith and eli bosnick hello gentlemen I

0:00:40 Thomas: Well, Well, maybe if I'm playing one of those kids that fetches the balls for them, maybe now they probably still kick my ass. I'll be honest. They still kick me. They still take my ass, yeah, yeah.

0:00:45 Tom: Don't even think I would qualify for that I'm pretty sure no

0:00:41 Eli: That's right. Maybe, they'll hit me in the face with one and that handsome man will kiss me on my cheek huh that that clip I don't know how oh have you not seen this it's whenever you watch like a heartwarming sports montage there's this tennis thing where he serves into a little girl's face which can I say fucking rules because those things are so hard and so fast that everybody's like oh but she's fine she's finally comes over and he's like hey are you okay but he's a 10 I donno he's one of the kissy races so he he he like gives her a little he gives

0:00:56 Thomas: What handsome man? What? I don't think I know what this is. Oh, Jesus.

0:01:21 Tom: The kissy races

0:01:23 Thomas: Racist, yeah. It's not a culture thing. If you take an Italian person, fucking they're embryo. And you take them to another country, they'll be kissy still. It's genetic. They're the kissy race.

0:01:34 Eli: You give Cecil something Italian a present and watch that he doesn't involuntarily plant a smooche right across your brow I've seen him do it a hundred times do it 100 times he kisses my wife on the mouth every time I see her I just want to say that publicly on on the air and if anyone could tweet it and repeat it out loud as often as possible I'd really appreciate it no but he gives her a little smooch and it's funny because watching that now I here's a weird thing I think it was a boy child I'd be like hey cool but it's not and so I'm like ah no smooching he's not like big smoochin but he gestures near anyone's kid without,

0:01:41 Tom: I've never seen Cecil do the kissy kissy thing

0:01:44 Thomas: Bad example. Yeah. Yeah. It's a little weird. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You have to make them. Yeah. You guys, if it's a stranger, it's little. You got to make the mwah. You got make it clear.

0:02:15 Eli: Child to scream at the top of their lungs, give me a kiss, is what I need. Yeah, hit me with the ball, give me a kiss. But yeah, in case you can't tell, podcast listener, it's time for a sports episode. Ba -ba -ba, ba -ba.

0:02:28 Thomas: These three sports experts are

0:02:31 Eli: Ba -Ba -ba Ba -Bam. But now, gentlemen, gentlemen you know the only thing worse than my opinions on sports sports it's my opinion on the malfeasance leveled against dave growl and monogamy in general but we're not doing that this episode that's a future episode but no the only thing worse than both of those things is the auto ads yes those interruptions to your podcast experience they can only be prevented by heading over to patreon.com forward slash dear old dads we'll get a commercial free version of every show we got a bonus episode with heathen right because tom didn't feel like showing up this month, you can check that out for as little as a dollar over

0:02:31 Thomas: Gonna dish rip into it I'm gonna give you our sports takes oh

0:03:10 Eli: At Patreon.

0:03:10 Thomas: I want to sell that slightly more that came about because I years

0:03:12 Eli: Because Tom didn't do our job, even though I

0:03:14 Tom: To take a kid to an actual medical center in the city It was, okay, alright, god damn it I was actually parenting at a very high level that day

0:03:16 Eli: I recorded from Las Vegas. Be healthier. Be a good dad.

0:03:23 Thomas: I thought, oh, this will be great. Before I knew what it was going to be. Had baby Remy, obviously, and I started thinking like, ooh, I'm going to keep track of some of these baby things and quiz Heath. I'll save up for a Heath quiz of how do you take care of a baby or can he answer these parenting questions. And I saved it forever and kind of forgot about it. And then when, when Tom was like, I'm a no -show cause I'm taking a me day. I you know, and we're like, fine. Another one. All right, cool. Do you, and you still want the same size paycheck, huh? You still want this? Okay. I get it.

0:03:24 Eli: Were you monetizing it? No. Yeah, if I can read Tom's message to us, today I'm just jerking it. I call it a spraycation. See ya bitches that's all he messaged us so

0:03:57 Thomas: Sure. Please do. You know, that's not real. Cause he didn't say scrunking.

0:04:07 Eli: Yeah I forgot you didn't see also

0:04:09 Thomas: What So, was I saying? Oh yeah. Yeah. So I finally make

0:04:10 Eli: Tom can't reach his penis with his tiny t -rex arms it makes no sense for a lot of reasons sorry

0:04:13 Thomas: A joke that makes sense. Eli, come on. So, so that was a quiz.

0:04:20 Tom: Can kind of reach it how

0:04:21 Thomas: This wasn't a haphazard thing. This Wasn't a thrown together thing .This Was a quiz I saved up for a couple years of babying that I'm going to see if Heath can, answer. So make sure you catch that bonus patreon.com slash zero dads

0:04:32 Eli: Jj

0:04:33 Tom: Many ways does heath kill a baby the episode it's

0:04:36 Thomas: Not zero tom it's not zero ways

0:04:39 Tom: Not I live I listen to it it's not

0:04:40 Eli: As heath would say about a baby rip into it all right so gentlemen I have gathered you here today because I have found a new source for amusement and that is reddit of course our great provider of amusement but it is a specific reddit r slash hypothetical situations and there was a post this week that tickled me so pink not just because um was a reliving of the five percent of men think they could fight a bear or whatever it was conversation that we've had in the past but because we had our own personal conversation that reflected that uh as well so the hypothetical is get a million dollars or get 10 attempts to get five yards in an nfl game for 10 million dollars gentlemen I cannot tell you how many non -professional athletes on this reddit were like I could probably get fiveyards in a professional football game against professional professional football players

0:05:39 Thomas: I love this because I I right when you brought this up I was like say no more we need to do this on the air you are not a sports person neither of you sports people what were the constraints and rules and whatever around that like there's there has to be more than that what are you you're running back.

0:05:47 Tom: You're just like on the team that day you're just like put they're me in coach like rudy or some shit you

0:05:57 Thomas: Yeah. Are, are you on a good team? Are you on a bad team?

0:06:00 Eli: So the specifics so for those of you not familiar with american football you would be playing the running back the position is what it sounds like

0:06:05 Thomas: So you, you're not familiar with this for you, for you for Eli, who's not familiar with this.

0:06:10 Eli: You just run the ball and try to gain yards you would be going up against real nfl talent though keep in mind these are some of the strongest most athletic people in the world even 300 pound defensive players are running a four five 40 yard dash. With all that being said, I'd still attempt it. Would you attempt it?

0:06:29 Thomas: You'd attempt it.

0:06:30 Eli: No, no, no. That's the end.

0:06:30 Tom: Would attempt it you eli bosnick

0:06:32 Eli: No, that's the end of the boat.

0:06:33 Tom: Oh, oh, that's the end of the post. Okay, thank God. I thought Eli Bosnick was like, yeah. I would... Eli Bosick would like shit blood and throw it at them.

0:06:35 Eli: Gentlemen, gentlemen, I Yeah, I

0:06:43 Tom: That's like a smoke signal.

0:06:44 Eli: don'T think I COULD RUN 15 FEET.

0:06:46 Thomas: So Normal.

0:06:46 Eli: The end, the end of the sentence.

0:06:47 Thomas: Just take away the, uh, with

0:06:49 Eli: I donT KNOW that I COOULD DO THAT.

0:06:49 Thomas: With With the football equipment on, like even that alone, it's heavy, you know?

0:06:53 Tom: Damn.

0:06:54 Thomas: So here's the funny thing about this for you non -sports people. This is a little bit trickier because if you could specify which two teams are playing, it might be worth it because there have a brilliant offensive line going against a, you know, kind of a bad defense, there are plenty of Highlights where the blocking is so good that the running back, there's not anyone within five feet of the running back. And all you would have to do is run reasonably quick to get five yards.

0:07:19 Tom: But Thomas, the running back runs fast.

0:07:23 Thomas: Yeah, but yes.

0:07:25 Tom: Fast.

0:07:26 Thomas: Yeah. But no, no, no, they're It's not that they're not.

0:07:27 Tom: Have most people and asked them to run 33 feet?

0:07:31 Thomas: Tom, it's not. It'S not that they're not catching him. ItS if you have a Tom and Tom has to block Eli from tackling me like be like oh I'll take that bet you

0:07:43 Eli: That but if you run as fast as my toddler, I am eventually going to catch you.

0:07:45 Thomas: Will you will you so it's a little bit it'sa little bit interesting just because maybe men are thinking like well I've seen plenty of highlight reels where like untouched because they run such a good play that every defender is blocked by an offensive lineman so there's actually no one who can get through to get you that's a possible thing that can happen like there are highlights where you you can see that like literally the guy, the running back sometimes will like just kind of walk because they're like, yeah, this is such a good play, you know, like taunting the other team. So there are plays that are definitely possible where that can happen. Now, are you willing to take that risk though? Or do you just take the cool one mil?

0:08:25 Eli: Of course you're not going to take that risk. Of course, you're going to get to quote a Citation Needed episode, the block, which allows you to do the run, right? What's probably going to happen is that man mush that you see at the beginning of every football play and I'm going to be like, here I go. And then a human refrigerator is going to explode me out of either end.

0:08:47 Thomas: There was a football player

0:08:50 Tom: There was a guy called the fridge

0:08:51 Thomas: Named the refridge. Yep.

0:08:52 Eli: Yeah. And he's going to explode me out of my football costume, like a stomped upon tube of toothpaste.

0:08:55 Thomas: The fridge.

0:09:05 Eli: Someone who's not delusional is going to get because again keep in mind it's not you get 10 million dollars if you can do this thing I would try it right it's get a million dollars for free get a billion dollars for three right now eat some chips cash that check or so

0:09:04 Thomas: No it's fair right right right it's take the safe money yeah yeah yeah yeah no that's a bad hypothetical yeah it's it's you're sure you just take the million for sure hundred percent yeah

0:09:30 Eli: Many people on this thread I

0:09:31 Tom: But many dudes think like that they'll watch the watch something that like it's the cream of the cream of the crop it's like it It's this tiny fractional percentage of fucking genetic superhumans who then trained their entire lives with every trainer and every fucking everything known to man to achieve this. And there's so many dudes like, I could probably do that.

0:09:54 Eli: Probably okay can I reach you my favorite comment this post has this post has 858 comments as of the recording of this episode and my favorite comment it's like 700 down but I love it so much it's by d medial 4627 he says if I wanted it enough I could get those yards I'm an older guy and not in the shape I used to be but football stays in your heart and then the reply to that this

0:09:55 Thomas: Please please please please yeah

0:09:56 Tom: You have to. That is amazing. Amazing

0:10:19 Thomas: The football will stay in your heart after they fucking crunch it into you

0:10:23 Eli: The reply is the best assassination I've ever seen the reply is from someone who says your other three posts are in r slash back pain I don't think you're gonna make it pops yeah

0:10:35 Tom: So I had to look this up because have to understand like just a little bit about like the delusion of like the the male brain when it comes to physicality 68 of men surveyed believe they can do a pull -up the actual number is about nine percent of men can doa single pull -ups yeah can doas single pull up this

0:10:52 Thomas: Nine percent whoa is there an age for that because like when you're a kid you got no adult

0:10:57 Tom: I just looked for adult men adult men yeah believe that I absolutely believe that if you go to a gym and like these are people who go to gym or like go to like a crossfit like people can't do a strict pull -up one one strict pull up man but 68 of them are like yeah you know if I wanted to pull up bad enough I could do it you're

0:11:13 Eli: Of not oh

0:11:13 Thomas: But yeah yeah no they're wrong here's the problem with me guys I was the pull -up champion of my high school I did 25 pull -ups in high school. Was like the at the time, but I would be like, yeah, I could do the pull -up. I'm not sure I still can even do it. That's the problem with the male brand. I'm like, yeah, no, I'm still in high school, I can do, I totally do all that. And then I might go to the pull up bar, I think I could to like three now, but it might be able to do none, I don't know.

0:11:45 Eli: You can do zero is

0:11:46 Thomas: I I would argue I'm likely in that 9%, Eli, I would argue I am likely in the 9%.

0:11:39 Tom: More convinced yeah I

0:11:46 Eli: How many you could do the thomas

0:11:52 Thomas: You want to see if I can to a pull - up?

0:11:47 Tom: Did pull -ups today so yeah

0:11:57 Thomas: Tom can do a pull pull -up.

0:11:53 Eli: Thomas so bad more than anything tom can do it but here's the thing. This is the 9%. The 9 % of people who can do a pull -up are the people who have gone to the gym to do pull -ups. Because here's the thing, because I go to the gym almost every day of my life, right? Every day of My life, I put on my little t -shirt and my little shorts and I go and I do my kettlebell swings. And I would say once every four or five months, I say, you know what, Eli? You've been walking on this treadmill for several months now. You can probably do a a pull -up and the Adonis.

0:12:30 Tom: That's a very translational exercise I love that yeah there's

0:12:32 Eli: And the Adanis who's been using the pull -out bar sort of watches me sidle over with my fucking podcast in my.

0:12:38 Thomas: All right. We're fucking settling this. We are settling this today, damn it. Or someday. Okay, listeners, chime in. Well, we will have to wait until the listeners hear this. Here is the thing. I given you the information. I was a pull -ups champion in high school. What did I weigh back then? About 140. What do I weigh now? 202. So, a little different. A little different.

0:12:55 Eli: That's Mitch.

0:12:56 Tom: Back 62 pounds is a lot to

0:12:58 Thomas: That is a lot. But I would argue that if I strapped 62 pounds on myself back then, I probably still could have done it. I could do a lot.

0:12:59 Eli: And you are the same age as you were back then. That's what they always say.

0:13:07 Thomas: Here's, so here's what we're going to do. Here'S what we do. All right. We're going to take the bets. We 'Re going to take bets. What what is your number for me? Is it zero?

0:13:14 Eli: Oh, a hundred percent. Zero strict

0:13:15 Thomas: Zero. Okay. I think I could. Yeah. I, I think yes. Strict, strict pull -ups of the total hanging.

0:13:18 Tom: Give you two I'll give you to pull

0:13:21 Eli: Hanging pole and pulling all the way up. Absolutely not.

0:13:27 Thomas: I could, I try. I would hope I could could do four I could see three I very hard

0:13:33 Tom: -ups are hilariously one of those things that like they get way like you do like two and you're like this is nothing and then by four you're the hardest thing my body's ever tried to do I

0:13:38 Thomas: That's yeah seven

0:13:44 Eli: How many pull -ups can you do tom

0:13:46 Tom: Can do seven in a row it's not a lot yeah it's a lot I'm

0:13:50 Thomas: How

0:13:48 Eli: Can do seven pull - ups you are saying that you are 50 and I

0:13:53 Thomas: Much does he weigh no it's just strength to body weight ratio dude he's 230 with really about your body more than anything like your body shape so like I was all upper body no it it is like I was all upper body

0:13:56 Tom: 230

0:14:04 Eli: Look like a tar drip experiment which is why I can't do any fucking pull -ips so

0:14:09 Thomas: I I think think I would be able to do the one or two and then I would have zero muscle endurance like I think it would just totally be shot after like a couple but I would try for four I would hope I could do four I'm

0:14:20 Eli: I do this like I said I do this every three or four months right is I'm like I have been swinging this kettlebell I have walked gently on this treadmill I

0:14:26 Tom: Love kettlebells by the way fucking love them so much

0:14:27 Eli: My god Love them. Yeah. Cardio ladders. Also, it's the freest of weight, right? Because if you do heavy bar stuff, which I also do a little bit of, you have to wait nine hours for some roided up insane person to finish his 97 hour workout. Kettlebells, always free. Ain't nobody going for the kettlebells. Kettlebells are yours all

0:14:46 Thomas: So scared that I can't do a pull up now I can stop thinking about I'm still scared what if I can do one what

0:14:49 Eli: Day. You 100 % can't do a pull up.

0:14:49 Tom: We're gonna have to film we're gonna have film our pull -ups we're

0:14:53 Thomas: Lydia film it I'll do it I will I will do

0:14:55 Eli: That's all I ask is that you have Lydia film the entire experience.

0:14:58 Thomas: I will have the first try I I promise you, you know how I am. I will have Lydia film the first attempt no matter what, and it may be me not being able to do a pull -up. It may. I will, okay, here's, the last time I did pull -ups, I believe, was in the year 20, fuck.

0:15:06 Eli: It's 100 % what that is going to be.

0:15:15 Thomas: Goddamn. Not sounding good. It was inthe year 20 probably 18, and I weighed 185. now I'm 202. do you think I and I could do probably like eight back then I think what think I could think I can all

0:15:15 Eli: It's not sounding good there, hoss.

0:15:29 Tom: You can probably get one or two yeah you can you can bring it a couple I

0:15:32 Thomas: Right so you want to change your bet eli are you still

0:15:33 Tom: Believe in you Thomas Smith I believe in you I think you can get a couple of them

0:15:35 Eli: Tom, you know he also can do zero pull -ups, and this is cruel. This is cruelty. You're bullying is what you're doing. I'm trying to help my friend Thomas.

0:15:43 Thomas: All right okay okay I I just want to get on the record just officially eli you're still saying zero okay zero all right that's the bet we'll figure it out listeners chime in

0:15:48 Eli: Zero. Zero is definitely the prediction, yeah.

0:15:52 Tom: All in 2018 you could get eight, that's a pretty good number of pull -ups. It's been six years.

0:15:57 Thomas: Been six pretty bad years I'll get I'll give you like that it's a pandemic and a lawsuit I

0:16:03 Eli: Is like those people the dying people are in Vietnam and they're like, is it bad? And he's like, no, you'll be all right, man. They'll patch you right up and get you home, get that purple heart. And you got a girl waiting for you at home. Why don't you lay back and close your eyes and think about that beautiful girl you got at home and how great it's going to be to see her. Hey, do you have anybody like in Domini Patris? What religion are you real quick?

0:16:26 Eli: But yeah, every three or four months, I, cause here's the thing. I see the same post all the time and it makes me so sad. That it's like to prove physical health, you have to stand up with a broom between your butt cheeks and you have do this, that, and the other name. And one of them is like, do three pull -ups or whatever. And so I'm always like, I bet I can do a pull -up. I'm in a little better shape, especially cause I'm on a weight loss journey. I don't know if I've mentioned I'm a weight loss journey and so I am always like well, I'm my weight loss Journey. So I could probably do a pull up. So the Adonis who's been using the pull - up bar for fucking one armed pull - ups, you know, to remind him of his days in prison, sort of shuffles to the side. And I always do the same thing, which makes me, I'm so filled with shame when I do it. I go, well, I got to get myself mad because I've read too many comic books. I've written too many comics books. And I'm sure that if I'm mad, I'll be stronger physically, which is not true. So I'm like, Twitter. And

0:16:39 Thomas: Don't I think you're on the wrong I I don't think that, yeah, that might have been a different, yeah. Journey. Yeah. Yeah.

0:17:25 Eli: Then I hang from a pull -up bar. And there's just a moment where my body goes let us lift ourselves into the air for once we were able to do this and then my real body my physical you know it's not my body it's my brain my brain says that and then mi body's like I don't know what the fuck you're talking about man we eat a a bag of popcorn every night every single night we make a hot fresh bag of popcorn and then we eat it we can't lift ourselves up anymore and then I can't and then I can't and I go back to my kettlebell and last time I did it because it's oh it's me and this guy work out at the same time and he's just in the best fucking shape the last times I did I did the last thing I did last time they did it he goes you know they have an assistant and I was like Like, I'm aware that they have an assistant pull -up bar, sir.

0:17:28 Thomas: Even that is hard. Yeah.

0:18:20 Tom: I love that you're doing this with like no progressions though you're just like I bet I can go from no progression in to but like the whole point is like dudes we like we are conditioned to believe that and I think like I will be a little generous because I feel in my head like I'm 25 like inside like where like my fucking soul lives or whatever I haven't aged a day I have not aged a day and then I get I wake up in this body and this body is 46 shitty years old and I'm like oh wait no this just hurts if I sleep you know a little it just hurts all the time so I get

0:18:24 Eli: Of course not.

0:18:56 Tom: The idea that like yeah I get it but I'm also like yeah but I was never in the nfl fell.

0:18:56 Thomas: I So he doesn't sleep. Yeah. No, I get it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I want to make a slight distinction because I, yes, probably a little delusional, probably a Little delusinal, uh, definitely delusual. I have an excuse though. There I is more room for me, a one -time very good athlete than the guy who's sitting on his fucking couch eating, you know, his third dish of wings watching Sunday football, who's never done anything athletic. Who's like, I could, I Could do that. Like I'm at least a little bit less dumb than that guy. Can I please, please, can you agree? Please.

0:19:31 Eli: Me say this, and I'm going to say something brave, and I'll say something hurtful, and then I'm sorry. Skinny guy delusion, sadder than fat guy delution. Because fat guys, we're the wing sauce off on our shirt, and we're like, no, you know, because it's all about size. You got to use your weight in the right way and get it balanced.

0:19:48 Eli: Skinny guys are always like, when I was seven, I could do the monkey bars, and it's like, hey man, you need to fucking go to the hospital right now.

0:19:57 Tom: I don't know if I told my racquetball story with my dad on this show already, but like, this is a great example of how wrong that is. Like my dad had had his second heart at his number two, his second heart attack. He was rehabbing himself after his second heart attack and he invited me over to the gym that he was at to play a little racquet ball. I don't play racquetball. Never played racquetballs. Don't know how to play raccketball. This was in like, God, I was in good shape, though. I don't remember what fucking year it was in. But I was good shape.

0:20:29 Tom: I was better shape than I'm at now.

0:20:29 Eli: This This is post -Fat Tom.

0:20:31 Tom: So I was very good shape I was fast. I was no problem. I'm like, okay, I got it in my brain. I'm driving to the gym. Like, okay. We'll just we'll hit the ball around. I'm going to take it easy on old dad. He's had two heart attacks. That motherfucker held me scoreless in that racquet ball court. Because he used to play kind of a bit of racquetball competitively, right? He to didn't the fucking racquet ball Olympics. He wasn't a professional touring racquet bowl guy. He was the guy at his local gym who was pretty good. You

0:20:33 Eli: I miss post

0:21:05 Thomas: Jesus

0:21:05 Tom: Know, sometimes he did pretty good at the tournament or whatever. And I was some guy who was like in way better shape, literally 30 years younger. If he was like let's do any contest of physical strength or endurance I'd be like dad no I don't want you to get hurt he fucking destroyed me because like he knew what he was doing I like it cracks me up when people are like yeah I could probably play caitlyn clark I'd get some points on her she would hold you scoreless all day you would never touch the ball you would ever even breathe near the ball

0:21:22 Eli: What if he said racquetball? Dude,

0:21:32 Thomas: Christ. No, no. Yeah 100%. Absolutely. I'm not that level of delusional. I want to make very clear I could not score on Kaitlyn Clark whatsoever. Would not happen.

0:21:46 Tom: But like like when they have you ever seen the videos where they take like some guy that everybody's like like the fucking guy who sits on the bench in the NBA he's not good for the NBA and they put him against like guys who are like really good at pickup ball at the fucking local gym it's not even close it's it's never close it'S NEVER like the really good good guy at the local gym is like oh wow he really surprised me today and that never happens it never happens that shit cracks me up man dudes are so fucking delusional

0:22:04 Thomas: Yeah yeah it's not close but

0:22:12 Eli: Never. Are we

0:22:17 Thomas: Here's what also happens here's what also happened in the olympic

0:22:20 Eli: About to get into Delusion Town? Are we About to Talk About?

0:22:22 Thomas: I'm I'm trying to I'm trying to give certain kinds of men possibly a little bit of grace for their delusions I'm not saying it's not delusions

0:22:29 Eli: Because they did so many pull -ups. They were the pull -up champion.

0:22:33 Thomas: Here's guy in the Olympics for three on three basketball in this last Olympics there's a guy who's like a 44 year old fucking accountant or something remember no

0:22:42 Eli: Well, was he for like Uzbekistan?

0:22:44 Thomas: For us for america now now one issue was they did rules so that like you couldn't so that so nba players couldn't play for some reason so that's one thing but even still yeah but even so think about not nba they're still call good college players didn't quite make the there's still a lot of levels to that and he was I was never in the nba but he wanted to specifically like be good at the weird rules they did for this three three -on -three tournament, so that was part of it, too. But you see stuff like that, and you can't help but be like, whoa, that guy.

0:22:52 Tom: So they already eliminate the best of the best sure

0:23:11 Eli: I I have a two -word response for you ray gun ray gun she rules god I love her so much I we talked about her yet on the air and how fucking cool that so here's the thing about ray gun right because she's the bad you saw this tom right it's the greatest thing in the universe

0:23:14 Thomas: Please. Yeah. That's a peak athlete, though, so I don't know what you're talking about. Yeah, that's the best. No, we haven't.

0:23:32 Tom: My god yeah I watch I actually of the of the olympics that we watched, and we actually watched kind of a lot of the Olympics this year I haven't watched it in 20 years we watched all of the breakdancing like 100 % of it

0:23:32 Thomas: It's the Best Thing Ever. Everybody saw it. It was good.

0:23:42 Eli: It's incredible it's incredibly and it was incredible because of her I went to like a pirate stream to rewatch the whole because actually in context, it's funnier because in context it's way fun because you watch a bunch of people who are really good at break dancing and then she's just like clerk clerk clerk now again here's she had been like hi everybody my name's Rachel Ray Gunn I'm really ashamed and I feel really bad I wanted to do the Olympics and I've embarrassed myself and my country and now I feel bad you'd be like oh this isn't fun and she's like fuck you I'm amazing I was honoring the kangaroo maybe you've heard of it it's from australia like me the fact that my husband is one of the fucking refs for whatever the fuck club that I participated in this got nothing to do with it pure skill I'm breaking up in the boundaries it's fucking it's amazing it's amazingly amazing but my I feel bad bringing up thomas's second delusion this is what I thought was going to be the denouement of our episode but after pull up geddon which we're

0:23:56 Thomas: Really good, yeah. Oh wow

0:24:46 Eli: All going to witness I feels like hitting a man while he's down when he doesn't know he's done yet right like your legs are pedaling because as we had this conversation thomas revealed to us a surprising personal theory he has about um -known athlete and olympic wrestler ronda rousey thomas would you uh care to share with with us your thoughts you

0:25:06 Thomas: I think I could beat her I think I could be her now I got beer now specifically now when she's not fighting still and older what

0:25:07 Eli: Think is because of the transphobia is you think it's just the getting there she's like a big trans isn't she a big transfer yes

0:25:15 Thomas: Was I missed that she no she did recently just a bit do a really good apology for like having one time tweeted a Sandy Hook conspiracy I don't remember the trans

0:25:23 Eli: She did apologize for that I think she was also a transphobe at one point but yeah so thomas to speak to this right you think you could beat ronda rousey just take us there take us that like that's

0:25:26 Thomas: I think I could do it well yeah I think I could I think it could exactly

0:25:33 Tom: Part of the reasoning, just so I understand part of it is she's no longer fighting professionally and I guess you are also no longer fighting professionally professionally you're

0:25:38 Thomas: See yeah no I used to but

0:25:41 Eli: True you're both you're both the same level of professionalism

0:25:43 Tom: Also retired from your professional fighting career

0:25:44 Thomas: We're doing the same amount of professional fighting yeah exactly yep yep I think you do it I don't think I need to say anymore I think he could do I could take her

0:25:49 Eli: Questions there it's all coming together I don't think you need to say any more Miss Rousey, if you're listening First of all

0:25:54 Tom: That's it yeah exhibition

0:25:55 Thomas: Please please god I mainly just want her to wrestle like I kind of a win -win for me it's win -winning for me I'm saying

0:25:59 Tom: Match exhibition match but

0:26:00 Eli: A transphobe me be very clear I am happy especially if it turns out I'm wrong. And she's not a transphobe. And she is just a lady who supported a conspiracy theory who is sorry about it. She is more than welcome to step on my neck. I'm just not out here pretending that's a non-mutual situation going on there

0:26:25 Tom: This this is like Eli's like I could fight a bear though right like this, all part of the same like I could fight a bear

0:26:25 Thomas: Take her yeah yeah mr I could fight a bear yeah

0:26:31 Eli: Because, you know, I would get in its guard. Are you going to get in Ronda Rousey's guard? Absolutely not.

0:26:33 Thomas: I might I might

0:26:35 Tom: Get in the guard

0:26:35 Thomas: Get in ronda rousey's guard she wasn't good at jiu -jitsu she was just good at that other thing

0:26:36 Eli: You can't. You are the worst at jiu-jitsu. That's why I would get in its guard. Just saying. This is how I would. I would get in that bear's guard and it would change everything. Tom, I think we've covered all of our delusions here except for yours. Do you have any delusions of grandeur that you'd like to share?

0:26:55 Tom: I am I am a hundred percent convinced that I am lucky to wake up and walk around I'm barely ambulatory are you kidding me. It's so funny like when you do feel like you've had some like successes or whatever in terms of like your physicality, you're like, oh, like I'm feeling pretty good. And then like you meet somebody who's not even not professional level, just like actually good at the thing you do, like legit good at The Thing You Do, like competitively good at Thing You Do. And you're like, Oh, no, I'm going to slink back into the shadows where I belong as a piece of enormous, enormous shit. I, like, I did a CrossFit competition. They have different levels, so it's the first one I had entered and I entered at the like RX level which is like their higher level or whatever and I was feeling very good about myself at the time I was a part of a team thing the dude who was like on the team next to us, literally next to us, was a former Baltimore Ravens player and if you think like you're a big guy and then you you meet

0:27:58 Tom: One of those guys, you're like, oh, no, I'm definitely not going to. We came in third and it was a hard third. It was like there was like first and then there was a long way down the numbers and then second and third and this was like the local thing in Chicago. This wasn't even like anything. This was just a local exhibition thing in Chicago. That's

0:28:12 Eli: I actually gotten to experience this over the last couple of weeks. So I can't say why, but I am allowed to say that I spent a lot of time with professional football players and basketball players over the past two weeks, including,

0:28:30 Tom: Not a sentence I was expecting

0:28:32 Eli: Argue, some of the most famous basketball players in the world. And first of all, they bring non-basketball players with them and they're all tall. But like, truly, I must have seemed like an absolute idiot because Because everyone would walk in and I'd be like, God, you're tall. And then another person would walk into it and I would be like fuck, you are also tall. And eventually they were like, hey Eli, they are all tall. Stop it.

0:28:32 Thomas: What huh yeah

0:28:52 Eli: Stop saying how tall they are. And we were, I don't know, what can I say? I was with a football team and I was meeting a lot of the big gentlemen and like shaking their hands and beating them and stuff. This is a major NFL football team. And again, like just just kept being like look how big he is. To everyone. Everyone I just keep being like, look Look, look how big it's like they make an XL size in a person like it all of him was bigger, right?

0:28:52 Thomas: Yeah it never gets tiring. It's it's exactly

0:29:20 Eli: I just assumed it was so it was so fun.

0:29:21 Thomas: Like that yeah yeah

0:29:24 Tom: I think we're like programmed as guys though because there's so much there's machismo bullshit that's kind of like at stake in like being able to and then fucking whatever the end of that sentence is that you're like, hey, I probably could play against and then especially if the competitor is a woman in whatever like you see it constantly out there it's like I could probably you know I don't know if I'd win against Caitlin Clark but I mean I'm a guy and I'm my guy so I probably do all right you know and that shit is so crazily pervasive it's so wildly pervasive and none of that like even remotely touches on reality but I wonder how much of that is just like we can't say out loud that we're pieces of shit or everybody's gonna know like we can't let everybody know

0:29:53 Eli: The gender essentialism. Yeah. Right. Well, and I often wonder like how people with like pretty severe physical disabilities feel just constantly hearing that shit, right, right. Because we just constantly have this ableist idea of like your body defines who your body defines, who your body defines you. And like, as someone who is no longer in like a easily moving, strong, thin, fast body, I noticed that I can't fathom what it must be like if you have like an actual physical disability, right. To just constantly be in a world where fitness is defined as excellence and fitness is defined as health and ability and strength are defined as All of these things are constantly defined. It must be just absolutely maddening. Again, I don't want to underplay how crazy it must make those people feel. And I think it's because very often when we're young, especially from our generation and older, the only praise you were allowed to receive was for physical fitness, right? All the wheels came off. All the safety rails came off when you were good at a physical thing. Right. Oh, you can run. You can jump. You can do that. They're like we had structures in place for you to be good at those things and to be praised for those things. Right? And if you were good at other stuff, it was like and nerd boo. Right, if it was like interpersonal stuff. So I think that's a huge part of it.

0:31:33 Tom: Absolutely. It's, I think, like specifically like grow up and we have to have that sort of like trash talk. That's part of how we like kind of define, fine our pecking order amongst ourselves as young people there's that whole like yeah I could take that guy I could you know that guy could take that guy. There's never like, that guy kicked my ass. You can't say that out loud, right like as a young like person growing up that that admitting that you are not invincible that admitting that you that you're that you couldn't be beaten, that you are not actually a god, that you aren't capable in some way. That admission is absolutely fucking verboten in this sort of masculine space. So the best you can do is quietly disengage or lie.

0:32:16 Tom: Those are your two options. You'll be like, yeah, Ronda Rousey, no problem. I know she trained with three Gracies in BJJ and BJ Penn also trained with her, and I think I can take her, though. I think you've got to do that stuff. We have to do that stuff. Especially as young people, like in the in the sort of schoolyard. So I feel like that combined with like the delusion of our youth that never leaves us even as our bodies age, it kind of combines to create this weird space where you're like, I, I mean, I could probably play in the NFL for like a couple of plays and you're not like you couldn't play the NFL for 20 seconds, kids no

0:32:50 Eli: Well 10th man thing, do you know about this? God, this fucking rules so apparently this is real I don't fucking know anything about sports but apparently like there was a game at Notre Dame once and they were out of player and a guy in the stands stood up and was like put me in coach and they fucking did and so now everyone's like, like the 10th man. Yeah. It's like a thing. Everyone watches the game standing up in case the coach is like, get in here. I, first of all, I have no idea if that's true. I've only heard the legend, but it is a legend. I promise. I didn't, I didn't invent it just now from me. And so it's like, it's that whole thing about like this notion that we have to be able. What is interesting to me about that, right, is like, as dads whose bodies are failing. Now, I will, we'll say I've never defined myself as able, right? I've been 50 since I was two, right. I was excited the first day my back hurt. Cause I was like, Oh, I've been complaining always about my back hurting for

0:32:56 Tom: What is that

0:33:13 Thomas: What? Sounds fake. Oh,

0:33:49 Eli: All these years. And now it finally does. But like, now we see ourselves as less able than we are, how do we define value? Right. Because this is something that I know you guys have talked about as well as like, you often talk about value in terms of like like what we can do for other people, how we can help other people how we can serve the people in our lives and I don't think it's exactly the same but I do think it is slightly a part of it right is this idea that like we are physically fit, we can better serve the people in their lives, and if we're not, maybe we can't. Yeah.

0:33:51 Tom: It does yeah yeah I mean, I'll speak to that. Like, I fully recognize the, of this mindset, like, I want to, I want to acknowledge it, like, I fully know this is probably not a good mindset to hold, but like my kids, like, I never want them to see me as anything other than physically very capable. Do not want that at all. Had back surgery a few years ago, I was actually very grateful that for that weekend that I was recovering, it took me a few days to get to recover from it. The, that I was supposed to have the kids, they didn't come over, and I was very grateful for that because I was like, okay, cool, I, like, don't want them to see me laid up. And that is such a privileged and problematic way to think. And I totally know that, I am completely aware of that, but it is very difficult for me to break out of that in an honest way because, yeah, a lot of the value that I feel like I provide to other people is in doing, right? Can't imagine there being a world where I'm like, like, yeah, I can't help you move, bud. Like, to my kids. Like, I don't, I should not help anybody

0:35:27 Tom: Move. I should, we should not help people move. That's how you get hurt when you're fucking old. You can't imagine, I can't imagine not wanting that.

0:35:28 Eli: I know Tom

0:35:37 Tom: I can't imagine not wanting to show that. And I know that that's no good. I totally get that. But, that sense, too, that, like your kids grow up idolizing who you are and, like the indomitability ability of the parent, right? The invincibility, the knowing everything, all of that. And that all breaks down as we get older and our kids get older.

0:35:37 Eli: Course yeah can because you want to be the protector you want them to feel safe with you and if if they see your physical limitations it's funny so I had this moment kind of with Max. So we have found a new favorite place. Obviously we still go to Liberty Science Center almost every weekend because we ball like that. Uh, but we have also discovered an indoor playground area called Catching Air, which is a trampoline park. Yeah. Now I don't know if you've jumped on a trampoline lately, but it thank you it is hard so me and Max, we fucking get on, it's our turn on the trampoline, and he's bouncing forever, he could just bounce forever he's just bouncing forever I'm

0:36:19 Tom: Hell yeah.

0:36:25 Thomas: It's yeah. Yeah, it is. Yeah when you're a kid, you can just do it. Your body is made out of Play -Doh. It's okay.

0:36:37 Eli: Bounce for I'm gonna say 48 seconds and I'm like I'm Gonna die I'm going to die and

0:36:43 Thomas: I'm paralyzed. Yeah you're back. It is impossible for an adult. It s so hard.

0:36:46 Tom: It's so bad for

0:36:46 Eli: And max is like, hey, no, man, bounce, bounce, and I'm like, oh, uh, let me explain. Daddy first of all, I'm surrounded by children too. Daddy has to now lie down, like, full on, I need to lie down on the ground and be covered by a tinfoil on this gurney and we bounce bounce and then we go to this other place and there was a big slide and he was like, slide with me, and I was like, nah, because at the bottom I'm going to have to stand up and it's going to take a while and a child is going to run into my neck. So I'll meet you at the bottom, kid. I'll see you down there. Let me know if you want someone's physical appearance insulted.

0:37:01 Thomas: Yeah on this gurney. Yeah I

0:37:04 Tom: On this gurney yeah

0:37:26 Thomas: Just want to separate myself from all this talk because I don't really have much of all that. I'm just genuinely delusional, like, please, like, I don't, I don't have any, I just, I just genuinely think, a, hey, maybe I could take her, or b, maybe it'd be a really fun time. That's, you know, like it's a win-win for me. I, okay, truth of truth, you know, heart of hearts, yeah, no, she probably kicked my ass, but like, what, what's wrong with that? Like, that would be fun. Let's all make it happen. No,

0:37:52 Eli: Yeah, I'm happy for a woman to step on my neck, I just don't want to. I can I honestly say I think it would ruin the experience for me if I began it aggressively. Right. If I was I was like, oh, Miss

0:38:02 Thomas: You want to just be like submissive from the beginning?

0:38:04 Eli: Exactly. Miss Rousy, Big Fan. I want to apologize. I was wrong about that transphobia thing. Would you step on my neck?

0:38:11 Thomas: Yeah.

0:38:11 Eli: She'd be like, of course. I love your podcast. I'm a big fan, and I'd be, like, oh, my God, that's amazing.

0:38:13 Thomas: See, I think it Would be more fun to think you had a chance and then to be sorely mistaken. Taken. I think that'll be for me personally, more, more fun.

0:38:21 Eli: Tom, what kind of sub would you like to be to Ronda Rouseys? Do you know what your, uh...

0:38:27 Tom: Well, I would add this too, like, and this is crazy, I would talk to you guys a little bit about this before, but like Finn, weightlifting now, and Finn is getting real strong, real fast, like strong very quickly, and the reason for that is he's fucking 17, right he'll be 18 in an hour and

0:38:43 Eli: Is, baby. Sexual peak.

0:38:45 Thomas: God. That was so great.

0:38:47 Tom: His body is like, oh, I'll take literally any input at all and turn it into muscle growth right and so, like, by spring there's no way he's not stronger than I am. There's no way, like, just based on the numbers that, like, he's putting up this, this already, and he's so proud, and I am so proud of him, and I'm absolutely determined to work out harder so that he is not stronger than me. That, not because, like, it hurts my ego, because, like, I'm his dad, I like, to your point before, like, if I'm not more capable in these ways, then, like, there's a part of me that's like, but then what fucking good are you, and I don't believe that at all I don't really believe that at all but there's a back of the mind part of you that's like you piece of shit is your fucking kids stronger than you like what the fuck good are you now you know and I don'T really believe it but like I kind of believe it you know because I'm like a piece of s**t and I'm I've grown up in a piece -of -s**t culture

0:39:23 Eli: Truly. Yeah but you you still think it of course yeah I 100 Tom, I get that. So fucking good. And as someone who has the depression voice in the back of my mind the entire time, oh my, he's just, it's an all-you-can-eat buffet when I physically fail, because, because, right, the, the counterarguments you have to make against that voice when your kid is stronger than you or you can't physically provide for them, where you're like, maybe I can teach him about poetry, and you're, you're like, oh my god, get me the shotgun right now. Courtney, get me the shotgun this very second. No need to pull it with my toe, I'll let him do it

0:40:16 Tom: There was ever a world where somebody was like, oh yeah, take the f**king pickle jar from dad and hand it to Finn, I'd be like, cool, I'm in the garage forever now, hanging from a, I can't, you know what I mean, like that's nonsense, that's terrible, I don't want that, I, what I want is only good things for Finn, and these are only good things, these are really wonderful things, and I'm so incredibly proud of how hard and consistent he works, and, like, the back of my mind is like, well, I'm just gonna have to step up my game here, I gotta, you know, buy some fucking human growth hormone from some sketchy guy at a laundromat. Like, whatever it takes.

0:40:24 Eli: Tom Tom's just roided out his veins, just, just

0:40:50 Thomas: That too visceral an example. Yeah, I think that means you did do that and he's using this joke to test out, like, was that, should I have done that? You know?

0:40:59 Eli: There are six kinds of male compensation, and steroids is one of them, and honestly, if we have to choose between midlife crisis fixes for Tom, I think steroids is among the better ones. Yeah. He's already a podcaster, so I'm

0:41:14 Thomas: Do you ever have that thought, Tom, of like, wait, they're not allowed to juice in professional sports, but nobody's drug checking me like fucking.

0:41:19 Eli: Not doing a professional one.

0:41:20 Thomas: Yeah. Yeah.

0:41:19 Tom: Hey, here in Plainfield, there's

0:41:22 Thomas: What the fuck?

0:41:22 Eli: Yeah.

0:41:23 Thomas: Yeah.

0:41:22 Tom: Nobody checking the doping numbers.

0:41:24 Thomas: And I'm like, wait, how do you even do any of that? Never mind. That sounds complicated and probably bad for my health. Never mind, oh,

0:41:24 Tom: Let's fucking go.

0:41:29 Eli: Have you seen Wolverine? You think he's fucking doing that on his own? No, he drinks steroids and not water.

0:41:32 Tom: Oh, God.

0:41:34 Thomas: But anyone who thought they could score a point, that was another big one, was people who thought they could square off even once against Serena Williams. That's insane.

0:41:43 Eli: Yes, the Serena Williams one.

0:41:44 Tom: Gott. Yeah. Yeah.

0:41:45 Thomas: That's clearly insane.

0:41:45 Tom: Fucking

0:41:45 Eli: That's it's an old article, but yeah, it was, I was, what was it, it's 70%. No, I forget what it was, but yeah, I looked it up, uh, 17, I think it may be 17%, but percentage of men, this is from 2009. So it's a while ago, but it's still amazing. 17% of men at the Wimbledon, one in eight thought that they could take a point off Serena Williams.

0:41:49 Thomas: No, no, no. it wasn't that many hold and eight. Yeah, 2019 it's not that old this is 2019 20

0:42:07 Eli: Yeah. That's so funny.

0:42:09 Tom: One in eight people think they could score on Serena Williams.

0:42:11 Thomas: That's that's I would like to separate myself from that level of delusion. I could score zero anything on Serena Williams ever. Oh,

0:42:18 Tom: Would be willing to bet one in nine men don't play tennis regularly, right? Means that people who don't even play tennis are like, yeah, yeah, probably still get a point, though.

0:42:22 Eli: Now it was I believe that the survey was done, uh, among Wimbledon attendees, but it might've just been, yeah.

0:42:32 Thomas: People did it was a selection of people who did play. Yeah, yeah.

0:42:35 Tom: Okay, even so. At least they play, though, at least they pay.

0:42:36 Eli: Um, but again, it's people watching, not fucking there.

0:42:40 Tom: Right. Yeah the barrier, the barrier for entry for watching is fairly low, I think

0:42:45 Eli: Oh, but I will tell you,

0:42:46 Thomas: But you know that's gonna be exactly the me's who are like well I was really good at this though like back in high school oh

0:42:51 Eli: Have a question. If, cause I've never talked about this, but here's the place for me to be radical on Roll. If you wanna sub for someone super hard, is that gross and objectifying?

0:43:01 Thomas: Objectifying if you're like hey

0:43:04 Eli: Yeah. Cause I was like, Oh, I would like to be tied to a pole while Serena serves a bunch of balls into my chest and face. But I feel like she's totally empowered in that situation.

0:43:10 Thomas: Good question I actually I

0:43:15 Eli: You know what I'm saying?

0:43:11 Tom: What the shit

0:43:15 Thomas: Know like is is that problematic or is that good feminism, like I don't actually I genuinely don't know I need help with this question

0:43:19 Eli: That's the question. I don't know. I feel putting anyone in an imaginary sexual situation is probably not cash money, but I feel among the... It's like the foot perverts, right I feel like we're all the foot perverts out there who are just like hey look at this like footpedia foot whatever it is wiki feet wiki feed yeah wiki feat where they're like hey what's that website oh let me check the bookmark on my desktop but like they just have a bunch of picture of famous women's feet and I feel like that's the politest way of being like I'm a gross. And it's like, I feel like if you find out about that you're like, what are you gonna do? I'm glad, glad you're having a good time. I did choose to wear sandals. I don't know. I don't know how I feel about it. I don't know. I have been objectified. I haven't been objectified by women. I've been objectified by men. And I know that that is a very different experience for women than it is for men. So I don't want to like make that, make like poo-poo that. Because every time I've objectified by men it fucking rules. Because the gay men, can't get enough of the buzz. Fucking love it.

0:43:29 Thomas: Whatever oh sure yeah pretend you don't Know What It Is yeah oh what's that website yeah Yeah, they're quite, yeah. It is fun.

0:44:23 Eli: Yeah. It's nice. It is nice to be appreciated. It thank you speaking gentlemen, where do you assign a soldier with no legs? The army. I

0:44:24 Tom: Take your word for it

0:44:24 Thomas: It's for once.

0:44:37 Tom: Uh oh oh shit that's terrible

0:44:42 Thomas: Stupid. I love that.

0:44:48 Clip: Want to meet sexy DILFs in your area? Email the dads at DearOldDads.com or, better yet, send us a message on Patreon. You can follow us on all social media by checking the links in the show notes. And if you need more podcasts in your life, you can find Tom on Cognitive Dissonance, Thomas on Serious Inquiries Only, and Eli on Godawful Movies and all the Puzzle in the Thunderstorm shows. Dear Old Dads is edited and produced by my favorite DILF, Tom Smith, who also wrote and recorded the intro music, which is used with his permission. This podcast is a production of Daddy Issues LLC. Copyright 2022. All rights reserved.

0:45:28 Tom: Oh, are you recording? Eli, how about now?

0:45:31 Eli: I'm recording.

0:45:32 Tom: Are you recording now?

0:45:29 Thomas: Two now recording.

0:45:33 Eli: Son of a bitch.

0:45:36 Tom: Wait, wait. Are you recording though?

0:45:37 Eli: I am recording.

0:45:38 Tom: All right. Cuz I'm recording.

0:45:39 Eli: All right. Now you're getting Heath about it. Now, you're on Heath. This is Heath all over again.

0:45:42 Tom: I feel like. Just wanna make sure you were recording.

0:45:43 Thomas: Wait, I'm not recording. No,

0:45:45 Tom: Are we we should all say we're recording at the count of three.

0:45:45 Thomas: I'm just kidding.

0:45:48 Tom: One, two, going red.

0:45:47 Eli: We do. We have a new thing we say going red over because unless you see the red light, you might have just pushed the button.

0:45:53 Thomas: No, no, no.

0:45:54 Eli: That's what we say.

0:45:55 Thomas: Here, look, our podcast does not need such bullshit. We've never had this problem. This is the first time it's ever come up. We're good. We're all recording.

0:46:01 Tom: That's ridiculous, guys. Okay, going in red

0:46:03 Thomas: We're three normal people. That's not true.

0:46:04 Tom: Welcome

0:46:03 Eli: Doing a five count. Oh, I'm just jerking it. I call it a spraycation. See ya, bitches. That's

0:46:15 Tom: Can't say out loud that we're pieces of shit or

0:46:18 Eli: Twitter. And