DOD155: Mr. Smith Goes to The Happiest Place on Earth

Transcript

This transcript was generated automatically and may contain errors — the audio is the record.

0:00:28 Tom: To Dear Old Dads, the podcast that's going to Disneyland and crying about it. Tom Curry. I am joined as always by Thomas Smith and Eli Bosnick. Hello, gentlemen.

0:00:39 Eli: Tom Curry, when you say as always, you are referring to the fact that when you choose to be on our podcast, we are also there.

0:00:46 Tom: When I intro it, I'm joined as alway. That's how that works. I' m joined as as always. Now, if I'm not here, I can't, uh, I'm not responsible for that.

0:00:55 Thomas: That's true. Logically,

0:00:55 Eli: You can't be joined by us, that's true. That's fair, yeah. No, that is, it does.

0:00:57 Tom: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, the sentence still works.

0:00:57 Thomas: Sound logically sound yeah wait have we gotten to promote the main show yet the bonus with he

0:01:01 Eli: No this we have only yeah this, that was the smooth that was the smooth buttery transition I was doing, yeah. That's right, podcast listener, if not to give it water, yes. If you are tired of Tom's, and I'll say it, chronic absences from this podcast, well, we finally came up with a solution, yes. This month's bonus, I don't know if it's out yet, I don't know whenever any of the bonuses come out

0:01:03 Thomas: Oh yes okay that was very smooth smooth as the baby that Heath killed because he didn't know how to take care of, of it.

0:01:30 Thomas: It's out. Yeah, it's out last week. Early.

0:01:31 Tom: It's

0:01:31 Eli: Yay! This month's bonus is a three-hander with our one and only guest, except for the time we had our wives on, which is weird because I say it in the episode and then forget that we had our wives on. But our guest appearance with the one, the only Heath Enright. We do a little baby quiz. We talk about some of the dear old dad controversies and what side Heath lands on all of those. Spoiler alert, I'm right about everything.

0:01:40 Thomas: They don't count. Yeah.

0:01:57 Thomas: Yeah we didn't talk about that, but it would be good if we did, you know, that'll be next time.

0:02:01 Eli: Okay. I don't know which part we recorded, but I'm right about everything, I assure you.

0:02:03 Thomas: Yeah did you did you black out for this? Hey Eli, you should listen to the bonus. It is really good. Eli is going to hear it for the first time too.

0:02:07 Eli: Don't know don't know I don't like one third of the people on that podcast, so I try not to listen, but yeah, you can check it all out over at patreon.com forward slash Dear Old Dads. First little is a dollar, you get a commercial-free version of every show plus the things and episodes that Tom missed over at patreon.com forward slash Dear Old Dads. Heads, Rip Into It, yeah.

0:02:14 Thomas: Let

0:02:28 Tom: One. Okay. And guys, I have something else that I want to plug. So we are doing a live C citation needed fundraiser. And that is coming up this Saturday, the 21st. I want to say eight o'clock Eastern. Believe that that's the time. So you can check out Citation Needed's social media. I'm sure the The Puzzle social media, the Cognizant social media will all be promoting it. It's a fundraiser for the Harris Walls campaign. It's going to be a live, citation -needed episode, virtual live show. Into that, I guess.

0:02:47 Eli: Right. Yeah.

0:03:07 Eli: And we've already got some matching

0:03:08 Thomas: How dare you.

0:03:08 Eli: Donors. I think we are currently at a, I actually don't know as of this recording.

0:03:12 Tom: I think we're a little over 16,000 matching donors right now.

0:03:14 Thomas: Nice.

0:03:13 Eli: Yeah. Sixteen thousand dollars in matching donors. So if you want to do some good if

0:03:15 Tom: Yeah.

0:03:18 Thomas: Some amount of that is gonna go to Tom's legal fees for trying to steal Rip into it for

0:03:23 Tom: I did rip into that. I think it's it's a little bit of a pivot.

0:03:23 Eli: Yeah, you did steal it for Rip Into

0:03:25 Thomas: Non -company reasons.

0:03:26 Tom: It's a pivot, Thomas. Pivot.

0:03:26 Eli: To It if

0:03:26 Thomas: Yeah. I am so happy with you promoting that on this show. However, if you steal our IP, you will hear from my attorneys, Grip onto

0:03:28 Eli: You still Grip Into It, so Needed is Grip Into It. It's not Rip Into It's totally fine. Yeah. Three years later Thomas will see justice, I swear. The second

0:03:43 Tom: All You recently returned from a trip to Disneyland. Is

0:03:52 Thomas: It Uh, well,

0:03:53 Eli: Most magical place on Earth, correct?

0:03:55 Thomas: That's the first, the bedroom

0:03:56 Tom: Disney land, like the, the fucking redheaded step cousin of Disney World, is it like a lesser Disney? It is, right? What about Euro Disney is Euro Disley, like a, like the second cousin no one invites to family gatherings, or is that one pretty good?

0:03:57 Thomas: Oh I've never, I've never been to Disney World, I couldn't tell you. It's in Florida, so I don't want to go. Yeah.

0:04:11 Eli: Disney is exclusively a fuck you to French people. It's amazing, right? Because here's the, the thing: Europe is beautiful and amazing and filled with the greatest things you could ever see across 10 000 lifetimes. But you know what? We were a little sick of all that bullshit, so we just bought a big spot of Europe and we were like, Mickey Mouse lives here. And they were like, please do not make Mickey house live here, we do not need him. And it was like, I think you fucking need him. And a bunch of Europeans who have access to ancient Roman castles and the fucking font to so Notre Dame are like, we would actually like to go see Mickey Mouse.

0:04:23 Thomas: And and real castles.

0:04:47 Thomas: Yeah.

0:04:47 Eli: So every time someone walks through, a guy in a mime costume cries a single tear just outside the gate, and they collect them in a bucket. Then they throw them at Emmanuel Macron at Christmas every year. They just throw the bucket of tears at Macaroon every year, and they're like, your wife was your teacher. And that's, that's a little tradition. Most people don't know about that. But yeah, Disneyland is just the one park. I dislike the term worse. It's right, yeah. It's, it's so, it's the one Disneyland and then there's the California Adventure, right?

0:04:49 Thomas: The power of the mouse.

0:05:08 Tom: Or

0:05:12 Thomas: Disney Adventure right next door. It's two parks. Which

0:05:21 Eli: Are they the same past yeah, they're amazing. They're fucking phenomenal.

0:05:22 Thomas: Fucking rules. You can do a multi-pass or you can just switch off. We did the switch off because it's like cheaper to, rather than

0:05:25 Eli: Right. It's less of a multi-park system than World is which is really like you're supposed to hop between, it's supposed to be like a week-long vacation thing. But I will say, I don't like the term worst, I like to think of it as an amuse-bouche, right?

0:05:30 Thomas: Yeah yeah for sure for sure, it's pretty great, yeah.

0:05:43 Eli: So fucking fantastic. That's the other thing too, is it, the internet is just filled with people who want to shit on Disney and corporate plastic. It fucking rules. It rules there, and when you take a kid there, they have a great fucking time.

0:05:54 Thomas: Me too. Yeah, or do that, yeah. They do. No, yeah.

0:06:03 Eli: Do. They we're about to find out.

0:06:04 Tom: Do they, Thomas Smith Yeah.

0:06:05 Eli: Thomas.

0:06:04 Thomas: No I will say your, you intro was perfect time, because that was, I don't know if they still do that, but they used to try to like pay, you know, football players, and they win the Super Bowl or some shit, like, hey, say you're going, went to Disneyland, I'll give you like a million dollars or some crap. Uh, I literally did that after, because I, so for the whole legal nonsense without any arguments for 15, 18, whatever months, 15 months we

0:06:26 Eli: Happened. Is something happening over, and do you

0:06:28 Tom: Well, there was a legal thing you

0:06:29 Thomas: It was miserable. We, yeah, it sucked. I wasn't have the the money or the or the or it's

0:06:33 Eli: Have another podcast, Tom?

0:06:31 Tom: Should have mentioned this well, he did, and then he didn't, and now he does. It's a thing, yeah.

0:06:38 Thomas: True.

0:06:38 Eli: It oh, it's like Cecil's thing, right? It's, you do a version of Cecil show, yeah.

0:06:43 Thomas: Yeah, it's a cooking show, and Um, once that was done I literally did the, like, we're going to fucking Disneyland. Like, I am so tired of not going to Disneyland and not having, like, that's a fun thing that I, we, I didn't have the bandwidth, didn't have the money, and then I was like, we are going. And right when that happened, it was the worst time to go to Disneyland because it transitions into hot and busy time. So So I was like, all right, well, OK, I'll make the, you know, sort of the plans. We we did it like the first time that it's supposed to be not as busy. Was supposed to Be Not As Busy. And then they did some deal bullshit that ended up being pretty busy. But it's still it wasn't hot.

0:06:46 Eli: Yeah.

0:07:20 Eli: He

0:07:21 Thomas: So that's good. But anyway, so that was the trip we did. And it was so much fun. There was so many people. Gosh, there's so much to talk about. A million amazing moments. Arlo is hilarious. We had a weird thing because last Disneyland trip, and I think I've told the story, but But basically, Arlo was still he's not afraid of anything or he was not afraid of anything. Phoebe is afraid of everything. And that was kind of the dynamic last time she went on no rides. He would go on every ride. He would going to anything he do a murder. We do anything we go.

0:07:50 Eli: Fought a guy dressed as Batman in the parking lot, and that had nothing to do with the trip. He just wanted to do it. Yes.

0:07:52 Thomas: Yeah. But he's become a little more aware, and he didn't like the fast stuff as much because he was like, he might fall out of it. And I was like, yeah, OK, that's fair. I want, you don't have to go. So he didn't go on, like, the super scary, he wouldn't go on Space Mountain.

0:08:09 Eli: And it, an unreasonable fear? I might fall out. I mean, you fucking could. Sure, yeah. Let's fucking, you want to go get a big pretzel?

0:08:15 Thomas: No, that was, I was trying to shortcut there. I was like, yeah, you're not going to, but I to do the thing where it's like, hey kid, you're an idiot for being afraid of something. I try to not do that. Yeah, but yeah, it is a fine line. Oh yeah, no, you totally could, you might. I was surprised you didn't fall out of the last all the time all the time.

0:08:17 Eli: Pretzel. Right. You people fall out of those all the time. And they die, and It doesn't matter, it's like six a day. Every time you hear the big bell ring in the tower, that's because someone died. But they don't die right away, I can't emphasize that enough. They're on the ground just screaming, screaming, and Mickey, he has a cow killer and he runs as fast as he can, but he's in that suit in the California heat, it takes a while. So do you want a big pretzel or not? You're crying so loud. Can I give you that feedback? Yeah.

0:08:42 Thomas: Stupid. He finishes the job, it was great, though, but it was just one of those personal growth things. Phoebe has just become, you, happens so fast, but also there are these little stages where you're like, oh wow, Phoebe's hit that next level of personhood, you know? She's like accomplished where she's just more aware. She went through the scared of everything phase, scared of anything. Now Now she is scared of everything, but more social monitoring. So she's trying to, like, you know, she's trying to deal with it.

0:09:11 Eli: Right.

0:09:25 Tom: Should have played it cool, she's just like whistling and like walking away slowly while trembling at the same time,

0:09:26 Thomas: Yeah.

0:09:30 Eli: The urine is running down her leg, but she's not showing her hand, fuck.

0:09:32 Tom: Just

0:09:31 Thomas: Well, and it's, and she's more, and it's kind of bad. I don't want her to do stuff just to fit in, but she is kind of more willing to try stuff so that she socially doesn't get left out a little bit. And it's just, this is all in her head. She's just got so much.

0:09:44 Eli: Yeah. Peer pressure's great. Are you kidding? Fucking get in there with that shit. Just be like, all the cool family is gonna go on Space Mountain. You

0:09:51 Thomas: I did that a little bit with the best ride

0:09:53 Eli: Want to not be a fucking asshole? Yeah.

0:09:57 Thomas: I did a little bit with it. Well, I'll get to it, but

0:10:00 Tom: The kids like, it's okay if you ruin the whole vacation for everybody, Phoebe. That's fine. We didn't want to come here to have fun anyway. This is basically free, don't worry about it.

0:10:07 Thomas: Basically

0:10:02 Eli: We'll just like you you know how families have like stories that are, like, they follow them their whole lives. This will be the thing that follows you your whole life, is like, you were a cowardly coward, and that's, you know, that's where the, the rift began. That's probably what you'll say.

0:10:09 Thomas: Free I just

0:10:12 Tom: Yeah. Actually Can you stand in front of Space Mountain so I can take a picture of you not riding it? That'll really be a memory for the, for the scrapbook.

0:10:23 Eli: I need It For When I divorce

0:10:25 Tom: That'll be great.

0:10:25 Eli: You as your dad, yeah, you can, you can divorce your kid, um, and I'm gonna

0:10:30 Thomas: To, I'm still laughing about basically free. That's a great, the ways that they monetize you now, it's amazing, there's so many different ways, but so the first ride we went on, well, we went on the teacups, this is important, we went the teacs and I was like, like, all right, teacups. And the kids were like, oh, that's kind of, you know, they want to do cooler rides. I was like, wait a minute. If you go on the teacup, there's going to be two teacubs. There's going be the mom and Remy teacup. And then there's gonna be the dad teacup. And that shit is going to fly. Like you're going to, cause that's teacups is the one where you're in charge of spinning the thing.

0:10:55 Tom: Yes. Self -powered. I fucking love those rides.

0:11:00 Eli: What

0:10:59 Thomas: Yeah. Oh, it's the bad Tom. They can't let Tom go on it. Actually. They had a picture of him and they're like, "Don't let this man

0:11:01 Tom: Yes, I

0:11:00 Eli: No, That's A flash cut to a teacup key just sailing across the parking lot with a bloody trail behind it.

0:11:10 Tom: Love

0:11:07 Thomas: Yeah, it starts to go like hypersonic, like in the spinning, you know, and it goes back in time. Actually, the the whole park starts going in reverse but

0:11:18 Tom: Those self -powered spinning rides at the, 'cause they have the version of those, like at carnivals and like at some point, everybody like else's core strength will just give out, like, and they're just stuck against the wall, you know, and then whatever, man, I don't skip core day. Like, let's fucking party bitches.

0:11:27 Thomas: Not Tom's Yeah,

0:11:31 Eli: That's Right. Tom's in the center doing a Pilates plank just spinning perfectly on his erection.

0:11:37 Tom: Oh

0:11:34 Thomas: So I the kids quickly, Phoebe was like, oh, I I pretty quickly, like, I feel sick, I'm like, okay, I gotta stop that. I'm not gonna keep going. But okay, the only reason I bring it up is, I guess this was the first time she's experienced that feeling in your stomach, that is the entire purpose of doing the rides and stuff, that, know, that sinking, that whoa, that when you drop, that little whatever you call it, the butterflies, whatever you want to call it. This must have been the first time she consciously, at least in a memorable, like that she can remember it, experience that, because then for the rest of the trip that feeling was, was the entire, that was the dark shadow over everything.

So like, not at first, at first she was like, I don't know what that was. I think I'm, I think I'm gonna throw out. We're like, what? And she's like, yeah, I had this weird feeling. And we're like oh, was it just like because of the motion and then whatever? And, and quickly it was that. And she says, she's like, oh, okay. And then we go on the Matterhorn, which, hey, sneaky pick for actual scariest ride, the Matterhorn.

0:11:38 Eli: Oh Yeah, yep.

0:11:46 Tom: God.

0:12:37 Thomas: Didn't know that, I've never been been on it, so I go on, I was like, oh yeah, it's a cool little, uh, you know, toboggan or whatever the fuck, it's like a little thing, and they have the most startling, I genuinely, I never do this, I I kind of jump scared on it. I was like, they have the most startling Abominable Snowman that jumps out with an evil face and the noise is super loud, and it happens like random times while you're on a thousand miles an hour. It happens two times. It was startling, but Phoebe Dude, It's scary. That was, was like actually startling.

0:13:01 Tom: What? The fuck.

0:13:06 Eli: It's So fucking scary because it doesn't, it it's not like raw, it's me, Eli's impersonation of Tom. It's like, you think, oh god, the roller coaster broke, right? Because they just, I guess they fire this wood cut out out of a cannon or something directly in front of your face, so your your ears go, something on the rollercoaster broke, and then you turn and there's just a horror vintage, like, something fucking HP Lovecraft would dream about after he saw a blackened marrying a white woman, right? It's just the most horrifying thing, and there's there's no sign the entire time. And by the way, when you're on this roller coaster, we occasionally have your dad getting a blow job from your grandpa, just

0:13:06 Thomas: Yeah.

0:13:35 Tom: What The

0:13:36 Thomas: He was very racist. That's a good joke. No. Yeah.

0:13:48 Tom: F**k.

0:13:48 Eli: Accompanied by the sound of a shotgun blast. So just starts playing on the bar in front of you. It's a touch screen you didn't know that and you're never ready, you're not. Every time I ride the Matterhorn, I'm like, hey, Eli, like, remember, you're a 37-year-old man, you've been on this ride probably a dozen times in your life, there's gonna be a loud noise, and my nervous system is like, no worries, forgot all about it, and then it's like, bam! And I'm like, I remember

0:13:51 Thomas: One of Dad, Dad's sex tapes will pop up, and it's not one of the more loving ones. No. No.

0:13:51 Tom: Okay.

0:14:15 Thomas: Yeah. I used to have no nerve central nervous system. Did I tell you about this? I used to have known a central nervous System. Someone tried to startle me once when I had a thing of hot tea and nothing happened. Yeah but since I got on meds for ADHD and I've got some, you know, like, drugs coursing through my veins. I have a little bit of a nervous, not a lot, much, but I have a little bit, enough to where I can get startled again, which is probably good. I don't think it it was good that I was so low as my energy that I could not be startled like Eeyore. Like you try to jump scare EeyORE. It's like, uh, no.

0:14:25 Eli: You've told us this story. Yeah, you just held perfectly still. Yeah.

0:14:45 Eli: Yeah Good, uh, the sweet embrace of death. Shatter

0:14:53 Thomas: So that was scary, but she had done a smart thing, which is she kind of covered her eye. Like she was in the cart behind me.

0:14:53 Tom: Yeah.

0:14:59 Eli: Self in line before the ride to

0:15:00 Thomas: She was in a cart behind me and I felt her covering her eyes and unfortunately reaching forward, which is worse for motion, but and so we get done and I am so worried about her. 'Cause this is the first ride where it's like really scary. T-t-taps, as Arlo used to call it, doesn't really count, but I this was one where I went into, like, last time any of this has happened, this would have been an emergency. Like, we would have to leave the park probably, like if she had accidentally gone on this ride with this fucking scary monster. And so I'm trying to reach behind desperately to like just, hey it's

0:15:29 Tom: Like comfort her and stuff and check on her

0:15:30 Eli: Snap her

0:15:30 Thomas: Okay Haha. Yeah, it's not like I don't know to hold her like, hey, it said everything's great, yeah, everything's fine, awesome, we're all cool. Meanwhile, the thing comes out, shit, that's no, I mean, never mind, it's fine, that's fake

0:15:31 Tom: Yeah,

0:15:31 Eli: Neck like Steven Seagal Cool Cool. I love it. Dope, dope, dope. I'm

0:15:43 Thomas: Yeah Don't worry, he'll probably get tired of eating after going through my big body.

0:15:50 Eli: I'm just tapping the Abominable Snowman, who's super cool, and you shouldn't look into his eyes because you may or may not see the consequences of climate change in them. So just don't.

0:15:59 Thomas: So I was so worried, and then we get that, we get toward the end, starts to slow down, she goes, "Oh, that was fun." But she's, she's kind of managing it. And then I said, "Boy, uh, sorry, babe. I didn't know it had that snow monster. And that was rough." She's like, "What, what snow monster?" And I realized she had covered her eyes.

0:16:00 Tom: Ah, she didn't even notice it because

0:16:16 Thomas: She was trying to like, You she know, again, this is her getting to the level of socially. She wants to kind of fit in. She wants to do the ride, but not seem, you know, so she, She, she, she had covered her eyes. She didn't see it, which is good. So that that was one thing, but she had gotten that stomach feeling. And then the, for the rest of the trip, she didn't want to go on rides because she was like, I don't know what, and this is the sign of whatever the, you diagnosis is to come. She fixated on that feeling and, and it really, really made it tough for her.

0:16:14 Eli: Oh Why you gotta bring Uncle Eli?

0:16:46 Tom: She hated that feeling and didn't want it to recur. Was she just like, will this one make my stomach drop or whatever? Yeah.

0:16:49 Thomas: Think she didn'T understand it. So The the kind of thing that she has is she didn't understand it, and then she she on, is that going to happen every, right, will I get that, is that gonna happen, will it, I would. And we were like, yeah, but it might, but it's fine, like, that's why it's fun, I like that feel. No, but that's gonna, you don't know, you don't know that it'll be fine, you don't know it, how do you know it'll be okay, how do you, like, just that she's, she does that, like, really intensely for a while And so we didn't, you were like, all right, you don' t yeah, we're not gonna make you go on more rides until until the third day, I her to go on the best Star Wars ride because it isn't a fast motion one. It's the Resistance. It's the coolest ride ever in the world. I think I mentioned it last time, and Eli, I forget if you've been on it, but it's the best.

0:16:51 Tom: Right, Oh

0:17:29 Eli: Of course I've

0:17:29 Thomas: It's like you're in a movie. It's not like super action -y fast drop or whatever, but It's More Like You're in the Movie. And I am an idiot, and tired. I'm working on no sleep. I'm exhausted from walking 400 miles with Remy, a heater. Imagine, imagine having to go through a park and carrying not just Remy the screamiest, most frustrating boy, but also a heater, you like a space heater. Like you have to strap a space eater to you that yells.

0:17:30 Eli: Been on it. You kidding? Fucking rules.

0:17:56 Tom: Dude, I remember this, this shit.

0:17:57 Thomas: Yeah, no, he, he Remy's tough. Remy is very tough.

0:17:57 Tom: Yeah, yeah, Real, uh, Amen was like two and a half, still, you know, pretty small, and like Finn was, I don't know how old Finn was, 10, 10 and a half at that point. I took them to Lego Land. It was just me and two of my friends and Finn and Amen at Lego Land, and like I t do the stroller thing, so I just had a carrier you know, one of those tie -on carriers, and I tied that fucker to me, and we walked around, and it was the same thing, like a Southern California, it's Lego Land, it's the direct heat, it's July, when

0:18:19 Thomas: I did the stroller. Yeah. Also, you don't drink water. So what does your body even output when it's supposed to sweat?

0:18:32 Eli: Yeah, salt.

0:18:33 Tom: Hell man, oh god, it's brutal. I, I still remember, like, it was like, you I would peel him off of me, and we and he's like fucking soaking wet. It's rough, dude, because they are fucking heaters. You're right. It's, that's rough, that's, it's a brutal day.

0:18:33 Eli: He just had salt rolling down his face. Just white crystal.

0:18:39 Thomas: That's rough. Oh, it's so bad, yeah. And It was a pretty nice weather. I, we would be sweating heat, you know. I got a bit of a sunburn. I'd be dying, and then I look at the fucking weather. It was 79. I was like, we did this when it was 100? How do, how do we do that? I don't even understand. But anyway, the answer is we used to have two kids, actually.

0:19:04 Eli: Well, he used to have four kids. Yeah.

0:19:09 Thomas: That's the answer because, you know, it's, it's not as hard when you only have two. Anyway, I fucked up, though, because I'm exhausted and I made a miscalculation. You know, Tom, I feel like we had this discussion. I don't remember exactly what the topic was, but somewhat recently, I remember you asking me about it, where there's kids. Oh, because I think Aislinn is different. There's kids where you want to warn them. They need the heads up, you know, and then there'skids where you don't. I was very confidently saying that Phoebe is a kid where you don't, and that was very much reinforced by what happened on this Rise of the Resistance ride.

Ride, I fucked up because, look, I cracked under pressure. She was interrogating me. She had the fucking hot lamp and the whatever, because I told her, I said, here was the thing. Arlo went on this ride with me on the first day because we went Disneyland, DCA. Disneyland was how we did it. DCA is all the Marvel stuff. It's fantastic. It's really fun. Disneyland, obviously, Disneyland has a Star Wars area. And so when we went on the ride the first time, Arlo was like, I think we just went into space, which is the best when they're that age. It's

0:19:27 Tom: Yeah.

0:20:04 Thomas: So funny, he's like, and I can't describe how cool this ride is, Tom. Like, it actually does seem like you go into space. It's like that. And so I was like, whoa, do you think so? Oh, that's what I always do. I try to, like, they, they asked me, I try to just put it back on them. So he was like, Dad, did we go, did we going to space? I was like, I don't, what do you think? He was like, I think we might have. And then he had the best kid logic in the world, which was, okay, we're on a Star Wars ride, right? There's amazing light effects that they do. They're, they're like the next generation of ride where it looks like there's blaster holes and stuff. Like it's like a hologram kind of thing on the walls. And it looks Like there's a lightsaber that comes out and cuts a wall open. It looks really great. And so Arlo says, well, the think we did go into space. You know why? I was like, why? He's like, because the lightsaber and the blasters worked.

0:20:04 Eli: Oh, yeah.

0:20:05 Tom: Yeah,

0:20:50 Thomas: Was like. Yeah, no, I can't argue with that. Like if those work.

0:20:53 Eli: Can't argue with that, science.

0:20:54 Tom: The logic of sound, kiddo. The logic of sound.

0:20:55 Eli: Yep.

0:20:54 Thomas: Yeah. Like either we're in Star Wars space or not. Not like, yeah.

0:20:57 Eli: You can fall out of roller coasters and space lasers only work in space. Yeah, it fucking makes sense to me.

0:21:02 Thomas: Or it was more like, that oh, put into the category of not pretend. Like for him, it was like, okay, but then that means we're in real Star Wars. That's not pretend it really worked. If it's not pretended, if so facto, we went into space. Is this logic? I was like yeah. And so the whole time Phoebe obviously didn't go on it. Arlo can't stop saying, yeah, Phoebe, we Went Into Space. And she's like, you didn't Go Into Space! And so I was was like, well, Phoebe, I mean, what do you think?

0:21:26 Thomas: Like, I know I was trying to be like, well, maybe you got to come be a little detective and like, see if.

0:21:25 Tom: You don't know you weren't fucking there, Phoebe.

0:21:30 Eli: That's why you're wearing that armband that says coward. It has a yellow star on it.

0:21:35 Thomas: No, but I was, I didn't did kind of use it as a little bit of encouragement. I wasn't going to like do too much, but it was like well, you know, Phoebe, I, I mean, if you didn't go and he says you went into space, like maybe you should try to go on the ride with us next time. And it's not a scary one. I told her, cause it's not. And then the third day I wasn'T going to make her, but the third day, I was like, look, let's let's all four of us, me, go on the ride together. And we're all going to be there.

And I told Phoebe, I Was like, Look, this is the best ride ever. Like it really is. This is the best ride Ever. I told her, I don't want us to be like, you know, years later, the three of us are talking about how cool the ride we went was and like, You weren't there. And so you don't get to talk about it. And I was Like, I think that would be sad. I'm not I'm not going to make you go, but I think you should because it's not scary. And you should trust me. I'm your dad. I don't think it's going to be a big deal. Let's go on it.

0:21:53 Eli: Well,

0:22:18 Tom: You, I got question. A Disney, as a guy who hasn't been to Disney since he was six years old, and it's been four decades since I was six. What the fuck do you do all day if you're not on rides? Like, if she was not riding rides, I, I'm baffled by the multiple day thing. I don't, I genuinely don't know the answer to this question.

0:22:24 Thomas: It's good. There is so much.

0:22:34 Tom: It doesn't make sense to me.

0:22:34 Eli: Tom, I'll tell you, as a non-ride kid from the beginning, from the very moment of birth, I'll tell you what I do.

0:22:38 Tom: What do you do?

0:22:41 Eli: Tom, I

0:22:41 Thomas: I'm trying to think of a good multiple orgasms during sex joke, and I can't get that. Eli, can you help me out? I don'T understand. Why would you come more than once?

0:22:46 Eli: Exactly why I tell you what I fucking eat, because everyone else is on the Ass Blaster 9000 and I'm eating a different, absolutely delicious treat shaped like Mickey Mouse's head, and if you think they haven't prepared those places for cowards, oh, you are so wrong.

0:22:54 Thomas: Yeah, that's fair.

0:23:10 Eli: They have Coward Coven. They're like, "Oh, hey, anyone, a fatty fat who wants to sit in an air -conditioned room with chocolate dip pretzel sticks while your brother gets thrown around inside the Abominable Snowman's childhood rape? Oh, what's that you do? Well, come on in." The fucking people are like, "The Hall of Presidents is lame." The Hall Presidents fucking rules. The Hall Presidents is like, "Hey, are you tired of walking? Yeah, can you sit in a bench, kind of like church, but it's so nice and chilly and there's food

0:23:04 Thomas: Yeah. Yeah, they have. Have. Yeah,

0:23:41 Eli: Right there

0:23:41 Thomas: That's the thing. The AC is the key.

0:23:42 Eli: Absolutely. Hey, we made a shitty one of Trump and you can laugh at it. Thank you so much. And your family's just going, we in loop -de -loops. It's the bet. You just eat, you just eat, and also people watch and look at shit, because everything's fucking perfect, like the stone time. You're like, hidden Mickeys. Here's the best part. You could be as sedentary as me, and they're like, "Hey, Eli, I noticed you haven't stood up in the last 25 minutes," and I'm like, "Yeah, I really, I really like to eat another hot pretzel. Do you have something which requires only the movement of my eyes?" And they do. They've literally hidden brass Mickey Mouse heads around the park so that boys like me

0:23:51 Thomas: Yeah. It's awesome. Yeah or just any it's just a shape to like in the shape of the Mickey's places.

0:24:20 Eli: All over yeah, so that boy's like me can literally sit still eating a hot pretzels and be like, "That looks like Mickey Mouse," and they're like, "Hey, hey, you're the real Disney fan," and I am the real, didn't you, fam? They didn't see the mouse.

0:24:22 Thomas: Yeah no

0:24:30 Tom: Because all I have it to compare to is, like, Great America.

0:24:34 Eli: No. It's nothing. It's unlike him.

0:24:38 Thomas: It's not that great America is rides and then nothing rides and then expected food.

0:24:42 Tom: Right, and that's what I'm trying, like the rides, the food is all bad.

0:24:43 Thomas: Yeah yeah fair. So we're trying to we're We're trying to help you if this is like if have, you know, the five fucking boroughs of New York where they got different Disney lands. And now they have Star Wars world, which fucking rules the new Star Wars movies. They sucked. I don't like them. But they one thing Disney does do is the aesthetic is amazing. And the and the design is amazing and you go into that Star Wars World, you exist in Star Wars. And I don'T I'm not like, you pretending I'm a Jedi, but I just go and marvel at the artistry of it. I just love it. Like, it looks so good.

0:24:46 Tom: Yeah.

0:25:01 Eli: Yeah.

0:25:11 Eli: And they will meet you wherever you are, like if you're walking around with your family and you're like, "Thomas Smith, just enjoying a fun day with my family," they're like, "Hey man, welcome to Jedi World. Hope you have a good time here." At the theme park, if you're like, "I am Khalak Thor Second, Knight of the Old Republic," they're like, "Hey, Khalaks Thor, just so you know, the lining on your coat is supposed to be silken in DeMoss, because you're technically from the planet Naboo." And they're like, "Oh, I have come multiple times. Thank you, young Padawan." It's nothing's

0:25:14 Thomas: Yeah. Mm -hmm. Yeah. Yeah.

0:25:41 Tom: Alright, because I... I've been to Universal Studios, and it was fun, but I can't imagine going back the next day.

0:25:46 Eli: Insane.

0:25:46 Thomas: No.

0:25:46 Eli: It, what you are describing is, and I'm gonna be a little crude for the first time on our podcast. If I may do you know when you first figured out masturbation, but you did it wrong, right? Because you saw someone make the jerk off gesture, you saw someone kind of do it in a movie, so you were like, "Like, I'm supposed to clap my hands like a circus seal on either side of my dick." And you were jerking off, but you weren't jerking off.

0:25:50 Tom: Yeah, yeah, yeah. I can' believe it.

0:25:51 Thomas: Yeah.

0:26:07 Thomas: That's That's the first thing.

0:26:09 Eli: And then you know blowjobs from someone who loves to give blowjoobs. That's the difference between Great American Adventure, whatever fucking thing you just named, whatever poor people, whatever poor-people-holding pen you were just describing, and Disneyland. It is the difference entre the first clumsy attempts to manipulate your foreskin and a blowjob from someone whose heart is in it for the love of the game.

0:26:09 Thomas: Yeah.

0:26:19 Tom: Universal Studios. I don't know.

0:26:37 Eli: That's the difference. And we could go, Tom, here's the thing. We can go. We could just say, this is a dear old dad's thing. We're going to Disneyland. You take your cavalcade.

0:26:38 Thomas: Oh, man, yep, I'll go right now. Again, oh, what if we get content out of it, then I could justify it, it was work. Let's do that.

0:26:50 Eli: It's what it is.

0:26:51 Thomas: Where'd

0:26:51 Eli: We'll do a podcast every day.

0:26:52 Thomas: It work? Oh my God, we will. How much patrons would you accept that, like, is that patrons let us know is that a thing you would accept as work product from us, because I would I think I would do yeah, it's Also, like, I could justify, you know, like, it not being my kids with me. That's mainly the thing. Yeah.

0:26:54 Tom: That Every day. I'm still, yeah okay. I'm It's a write -off? We wrote off the whole trip. Huh.

0:26:58 Eli: They might make videos and stuff. Yeah. Just take the awesome kids. So Arlo can come.

0:27:13 Thomas: Yeah, Actually, that's honestly, honestly true, um, so, Phoebe, one thing we have done is we've, we've gone to Disneyland a few times. We only, you know, it's not that often, so I'm willing to splurge, and I got, the first time I got them these really nice costumes. The thing is, costumes, yes, they're overpriced, but they're made incredibly well at Disneyland. If you get your little kid a costume, it's made very well. And the ones you get at, like, I don't know, fucking Target are just terrible. Like, they're nothing. And so I'm going to spend the money. They wear it. I make them wear it the entire fucking time, but no, I, so here's, No, no. I'm just kidding.

We did, we actually waited until the third day, we, uh, yeah, no, leave it on, yeah, but, um, other thing is, Lydia mentioned this too, that, like, that that costume thing has kind of benefited Phoebe a little more. It's been a little imbalanced because there's just more, you know, there's, like, more easy costumes for girls. It'll be like, oh, the princess dress and the whatever, and it's, like, it's harder to find boys' ones that they want, you know? And so I was like, you know what, you're right. I was like, Arlo, we're We're going to go, whatever, whatever. First off, name the fucking, what's the science term? The cat claw clad. Oh man. What is it?

0:27:47 Eli: Okay. Okay. Interesting. An interesting day. Just taking a bath in their Jedi robe. Daddy, I'm so cold. It's so heavy.

0:28:23 Eli: Kingdom.

0:28:24 Thomas: No. The one where they organize the species or whatever. Clad, clad, what am I thinking? Yeah.

0:28:27 Eli: Kingdom. Phylum.

0:28:29 Thomas: There's kingdom phylum clad, there's something cladistic, clad. There's something like that.

0:28:33 Eli: Cladistics.

0:28:33 Thomas: Anyway, uh,

0:28:29 Tom: Taxonomy. Oh,

0:28:34 Eli: I'm pretty sure you mean Cladistics.

0:28:35 Thomas: Yeah. Name the animal kingdom first that you want to be Arlo and then name the, you know, the down and down. I was like, well, do you want star Wars? Do you want Disney? Do whatever you name it? We'll get it. He wants on Star Wars. And then he wanted a Stormtrooper one. I was like, okay, that's cool.

0:28:47 Eli: Interesting.

0:28:47 Thomas: But then he wanted Darth Vader. And I was, like, buddy, you're going to die. It's black. It is a black costume with multiple layers, and the sun is out. You are going to die. Are you sure? He was, like, yes. I said, all right. But we have to wait until later. I told him, if we are going to get that, we can't do it in the peak sun. You're literally going to die. Kids, especially, like Arlo's type brain, he notice that he is hot and just probably incinerate you know, without telling us. And also because it's so cool, like, you'll be having so much fun, like, I'm Darth Vader right now. Uh, like, yeah, it's worth dying, it's fine.

Uh, so I told him we'll wait. We wait till, you know, more like five o'clock. Sun was setting, it wasn't, it wasn't setting, but sun was lower. It wasn't, it was hot. And we go and get him the star fader costume, and it fucking rules. We're in Star Wars Land. We put on all Darth Vader stuff. It's a little big. I get to fit, and I bought it big because I wanted to be able to wear it for several years because it was expensive. And then we go, and here's the best thing, Tom: you go and you can find stormtroopers walking around, like the real, obviously Disney characters, whatever they call them. They'll, they'll

0:28:52 Eli: Yeah. Yeah,

0:29:49 Thomas: Walk around

0:29:48 Tom: And can you choke them, like, if you're Darth Vader can you choke them? Yeah.

0:29:49 Thomas: Yeah I told him, I was like Arlo, you should try to do the Force, and he, his little brain couldn't quite muster that. But he went up, I have video of it, he went up to the stormtrooper's, and they have all these, like, they have voice boxes that do, like, these lines, you know, and they, like, act like they're stormtroopers, and they, they have all these different lines of dialogue depending on if you're wearing a good guy costume or a bad guy costume. Like, they have all this stuff they can do, and it was the greatest thing that ever happened to Arlo in his life. Yeah.

0:30:12 Eli: It's fucking great.

0:30:14 Thomas: He got to be Darth Vader with stormtroopers, like, kind of doing his, like, like, acting like he was Darth Vader, or

0:30:17 Eli: Yeah because look, look, you spend your whole life as a kid playing pretend and you go up to adults and 99 out of 100 adults are fucking dicks about it, right. You're like, you're like "I'm a fairy princess," and they're like, "No, you're not. Pay your taxes." Right. And then you go to this one place where adults are dressed up like you, and you're like, I'M A FAIRY PRINCESS, and they are like, yeah, you are a fairy princess and I just pushed a button in my suit that makes me sound exactly like the guy you heard in the movie telling you, you're a fairy fucking princess, and you are like, "YES!"

0:30:26 Thomas: Tom, sorry That wasn't fair, Tom. That wasn't fair.

0:30:40 Thomas: Yeah, you are Your Highness. Yeah. It's The best and I did that thing too to your point where I was like like, I would have fucking died. I would shit my pants. I even told Arlo and I try to put this in a nice way, you know, so I'm not like you lucky little shit. But I was like, buddy, I never literally never had a costume as a kid. Like I never had anything like this. And it's nice because rather than being bitter about it, which I think a lot of parents tend to be like, oh, I've never gotten this, and get mad at their kid. I'm like, hey, how cool is it that it's also kind of stuff is so ubiquitous now. Like, yeah, it was like $100 or whatever, but it's not like a million dollars. So like more people, especially relative to what you're already paying, being at fucking Disneyland, more people can do it. It's like, it's good that more kids can get an amazing, cool pretend experience that I never had a chance to do.

0:31:34 Eli: Yeah, remember when we left Disney and I think I said it on the show, like I was just so staggered by the feeling of of how lucky I was to give that experience to Max, like how incredibly fortunate I felt to and that nobody can take that away. Right. Like that's a real lasting and important experience we got to have as a family and that Tom's family will get to have if he fucking gets his shit together. Comes to Disney World with us.

0:31:43 Thomas: It's cool. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. When you get... Oh, it'd be so fun. And so that was so cool. And, you know, we've often, Eli, I think you're consistent on this, um, parents, if you feel like you're missing out, have a, have an autistic kid, it's the best, it's the absolute best because then they're really in that world, like they're, they're just experiencing it to a degree.

Now, Arlo is a little bit like, he's very in his head, so he's very much having fun, he's in it, but he doesn't really show it much, so it's a little, it's not as fun, it'd be nice if he was like showing it more so I could enjoy it, but it's, he's enjoying it in his brain, it's fine, and after, he'll always say like, "That was, all, you know, amazing," but like, he'll just kind of freeze up and be like, "This is so cool that this is happening." But anyway, so that was super cool. Um, man, and so then we go to space and, and I told him, you can go on Rise of the Resistance with your Darth Vader costume, like you can go on it and they'll talk to you, you can like

0:32:10 Eli: Oh, it was the best.

0:32:45 Thomas: Say yeah I was like, that you can, they can, you know, you can pretend you're, yeah yeah

0:32:45 Eli: They can't stop you. You say you're traveling instead of you're driving, and they can't stop you, but you trick Phoebe on, right? So you trick Phebe on.

0:32:51 Thomas: Um and I didn't really trick her. It's not a scary ride.

0:32:57 Eli: Threaten.

0:32:57 Thomas: I blackmail, emotionally blackmail.

0:32:57 Eli: You threaten her on. Yeah.

0:33:00 Thomas: I prefer. No, it's not a scary, right? It's nut. But I was again, so tired. I messed up. She was like, okay, okay. I'll go. But like, what is, tell me what happened? What happens now? What we got in the ride and it's just the line, you know, that's the other thing, Tom, that if you haven't been to this park, the lines, the new ones, especially are fucking awesome. The lines take you through the whole world. They'll go in a ship. They're like, it'll go out of a ship, like nothing going on.

0:33:24 Eli: Yeah.

0:33:25 Thomas: Even the lines themselves.

0:33:25 Eli: At fucking Hershey Park or wherever you were kept in between car wash fights, whatever pens they herded you through before they shot you in the head with a electrocuted

0:33:36 Thomas: Yeah. The, the box car that you had to go in. Well, I wouldn't have minded.

0:33:40 Eli: You rectally like the mink you are

0:33:44 Thomas: No, I'm just kidding. Yeah, it's awesome. And so, but we're even just doing that Phoebe. I it's weird. I don't, I think it's exhaustion. Like that's the thing about kids is when they get tired or they start acting, you know, like the worst version of themselves. Cause Phoebe really was managing pretty well. And then for for whatever reason we get on that ride and and it's, we're just walking. All we're doing is walking. Literally nothing else. She freaks out.

She's like, wait, you got to tell me, are there bad guys? What are they going to do? I was like, there, there are pretend bad guys. They don't get us. That's all. And it's okay. But but what do we, where do we go? What exactly do we? You know, she's freaking out. I was just spiraling. I'm like, Hey, it's okay. And because she was doing that the whole time. So like this interrogation when, you know, It was the most intense interrogation I've ever been under.

I told her, it's a walking. All this is walking until there's a little cart thing we get in. It's not super fast. It moves around. That's it. Oh, it moves around, it move around, you know? And then she sees the carts. That's when we're already kind of like past the point of no return. You know, you can obviously leave. They'll let you leave. But like, that's,

0:33:44 Eli: Yeah

0:34:43 Thomas: You now, that sucks. Like, just interrupt.

0:34:42 Eli: You gotta do the head nod with the guy where the guy's like, "Oh yeah, you're out," and you're like, "I'm fucking out, man." And then, yeah yeah

0:34:48 Thomas: Yeah, and you got to interrupt like the amazing like movie that everyone gets to be in, you you know, and be like, ah, we got to leave. And so I was trying to avoid that. Obviously, I wasn't going to make her stay, but I was like, hey, it's okay. She's like, what happens? Tell me everything that happens. Tell me what happened. And I, idiot, I, an idiot, accidentally said, okay, there's one tiny drop. There's one that drops you two or three feet. It's nothing.

0:34:55 Eli: No you idiot you deserve everything

0:35:11 Thomas: It'S tiny.

0:35:08 Tom: Oh Thomas

0:35:12 Eli: You get you deserve everything you got, Thomas, I have Phoebe's voice in my head all the time, I don't know what you're time, sure

0:35:12 Thomas: Yep. No, I do. I you would crack under the pressure too. She asked me 400 tearful, intense yeah it's just what do we tell me exactly and then that I fucked up, I fucked up because I should have just told her nothing, I it's hard because she's questioning me so much, I should've said, "Hey, it's a fun ride, trust me," but then I were the biggest worry I have is, oh, if she has an unpleasant experience, is she gonna think I lie to her, you know, like that's, I really don't want that, so this is the part where I'm happy to hear advice on this, I could just not try, I could let her not go, but that feels sad because it really really isn't as scary. Right. There's one tiny little drop. That's it. It's like, Oh, startled done. And And, because I accidentally told her about that, like an idiot, she was like, wait, that's going to make my stomach. That'll make my tummy go. I was like. Yeah, but it's fine. No, my stomach, you don't know.

I Was like, it'll be fine. Your stomach, it doesn't hurt you. It was just a little butterfly. No. You don't, no, you know, no. There won't hurt me. You know, it was just like going crazy is, it was really bad. She almost had to leave. I almost took her off, but she like kind of got through it. And then the thing was classic kid thing. She's like Like, was that, when is it, tell me exactly when it's going to be.

And I, once again, an idiot, remembered the wrong part. It was like, I think it's now. And it wasn't. And then it was, it's even worse. She's like, what, what? When is, I was like. I think I was wrong. Sorry. I think is it's coming up, but it's not anything. It's not a big deal. You don't have to worry. No, when isn't. So I tell her what it is. It does the one second drop. And she's like. Was it? I was, yeah, that's all it was.

That's all. It nothing. It wasn't a big deal. I needed to probably just not tell her about it would be the best way to go. But I just was I was scared. I don't want her to think her dad lies to her and that she can't trust me. You know, it's

0:35:40 Eli: You

0:36:54 Tom: Yeah, well

0:36:54 Thomas: It's a hard one after as we were walking out. She was like, oh, is it over? And then she does a thing where she's probably sad. She missed it because she was all she was doing was dreading the entire time.

0:36:55 Tom: How did you process it after the ride

0:37:07 Thomas: And then when she's over, she sometimes, depending on the ride, she'll be like, oh, that was fun. You know, even though obviously she seemed miserable the entire time, but she'll be like oh, yeah. And so as we're going out, I tried to, in gentlest terms, be like, hey, Phoebe, remember how the drop happened and it like was nothing? Like what really made your experience unpleasant was that you were anticipating it the entire timem. Like that's what really, and she was like, yeah, okay. And she was kind of processing it. And so I tried to do that, but it was sad because she really did miss out on the whole thing because she could not stop dreading that this feeling she was she really fixated on the stomach feeling it in a way that like I know it's something different because it's I I don't know I didn't anticipate that it's hard do you know what I mean like she she fixates

0:37:06 Tom: Right yeah yeah

0:37:19 Eli: Ruined that yeah

0:37:52 Thomas: On it on a way I'm not used to I wouldn't have anticipated because it doesn't make any sense to me like I it's some sort of maybe OCD thing, an anxiety disorder, where she's really worried like oh that's a feeling I don't know that's unfamiliar to me now I'm going to worry about it forever all day forever you know like and I did not anticipate that she'd be so scared not when the feelings happening but scared of that the feeling might happen it's like god I didn't I didn'T know THAT'S

0:38:18 Tom: I

0:38:23 Eli: That's something something that Max deals with, and that's why we just sort of, like, team meeting every possible experience, right? Like we have, and again we, I have one kid so it's a million times easier to do this, but like we pull Max aside, right, the last shots, and we were like, "Hey, shots, they're gonna go on your leg, they're gonna hurt, it's gonna hurt, it's gonna continue to hurt, there's gonna be band-aids," right, and we sort of we processed all all the feelings around it. If it's an experience he ends up not wanting because of that conversation, we're just like, "Fuck it, we ball," right? We're just don't involve in those things, we're eating a hot pretzel outside, um, is really good, uh, for for an experience where we can bail, right?

0:38:25 Thomas: SOMETHING I get you, yeah.

0:39:00 Eli: Anna is really good at sort of figuring out what he's gonna be okay with and what he is not gonna be okay with, and I'm really good at over communicating in those moments uh so So that he can figure out whether or not he wants to bail. So yeah, it's good. But again, we're two on one AM. So it's much easier because you also had two other children to manage at the same time.

0:39:07 Thomas: Yeah, yeah yeah, what what do you, think Tom, what you think I should have done there, not made her even go on it, oh

0:39:21 Tom: You know I don't know, because I think what you're, like, what you're butting up against, as you're describing this, I'm like, kind making some notes and thinking about it, because I think what you're butting up against is something we put up against in our household too with some of our kids. Like, you of our kids has, like, a real, like, real aggressive, like, real bad, like, white coat syndrome, like going to the doctor is a is a genuine fear, like, it's, it's tough, because it is, it wants, once a real and honest fear, like, it is a genuine actual fear, but it, it doesn't actually intersect with reality, right? There's nothing that's going to happen at this doctor's appointment that is, that is actually dangerous. That is actually going to hurt in a way that matters.

0:40:00 Tom: Do you know what I mean? Like, like we, as adults understand that the hurts that we experience in these things are inconsequential or they're small or they are transient. Against, they're two out of ten, but like if you ramp yourself up, they're not a two out

0:39:39 Thomas: Wow, yeah, yeah oh yeah, and

0:40:14 Tom: Of ten they're a twelve out of 10, you know, because they actually literally hurt worse or they're actually much more uncomfortable. And I think it's really tough when you've got an anxious kid who's anxious about something specific, and then you're like, we well want to get through this because we as a family are here, we're doing this activity, we're trying to enjoy this. And that is tough because they're experiencing not the kind of fun fear that these rides really sell and advertise, right? Like, that, that fun fear is an exhilaration. Those rides would be boring if there wasn't any fun fear that was attached to them. Yeah.

0:40:48 Thomas: Phoebe's like, that's fine, I'm fine with boring,

0:40:51 Eli: Right.

0:40:51 Tom: But like, they work, those rides work because they are a little, like, exhilarating in a way where the fear that's attached to them is safe. And I think, like, with some kids what happens is that the fear is disconnected from their feelings of safety, and I think that that takes a long time and a lot of exposure. And how the fuck do you do that with vacation stuff? You And, and I don't know that answer, I, you know, I don't. Amen is the same way. Um, we went to the carnival, we went to the, like, the fair was in town or the carnivale was in town. Um, also he was the same way. If we go to the, uh, we took him to the little local water park that had some slides, and he was all jazzed up to go down this water slide. He carried his fucking tube up to the top of the thing and went up to it. He got to the top of the slide, and he was like, no fucking way. Am I doing that? And I mean, his his exhilaration turned to real fear, like an actual fear.

0:41:14 Thomas: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's fair. Yeah. Yeah. That you don't fuck with that. Yeah. That

0:41:45 Tom: And I saw it happen in that moment. But like, I also recognize that it's not legitimate, he's not going to get hurt, he's going to be fine, same thing as like when they get a fucking vaccine. It's like, it hurt very much. Like, what hurts is the anticipation. What's frightening is the feeling of, like, not being in control of your bodily autonomy.

0:41:45 Thomas: Yeah.

0:41:52 Eli: Right. Right. Right.

0:42:03 Tom: Like all of that stuff is legit.

0:42:05 Eli: It's like a red exclamation point appears above their head to tell you, oh, this isn't a normal kid thing. Right. Right. Because we all remember being at the top of a slide and being like, oh, I'm scared. Am I going to do it? Am I not going to doing it? Right. And so there's not God doesn't step down like he's in a Woody Allen movie to turn to you and be like, oh, no, your kid's actually experiencing like a traumatic terror right now. So you got to you gotto climb up there and take care of it.

0:42:05 Tom: Right?

0:42:08 Thomas: Yeah. Yep. Yep. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

0:42:27 Thomas: And that was That was the thing too, because I, I'm, this was such a tiring trip, I just got back yesterday, so I told the story out of order. I was already impressed because she had sworn off as a kid, even though we have taken her to Hawaii, so she's been on a plane at a certain point. We told her that, like, because she was very small, and then we told her, like, yeah, Hawaii, we've been, you've been, yet to go on a plane. She's like, can we go again? I was like, yep, we just got to fly. She's like, you have to fly? I was like, yeah. She's like, I'm never going. And she decided, like, two years ago or three years ago, I'm never going on a plane, she said.

And, and we're like, I don't want to let this kid thing pass, because obviously you're going on a fucking plane. If we got to go on a plan, that's how it's going to be. But Like, she had maintained that pretty consistently for a while. She's like, no, I'm not, I'm not doing that. And then when we do this trip, I think enough time had pass. We're like, Hey, Phoebe, you excited to fly? And she's like, yeah. And she, she had kind of gotten over it. And this was part of the reason, again, why I was thinking it was, it better was the flight. She loved it. She had a great time. She sat at the, on the window.

She liked it the whole time. I was so nervous about it. No problem flying. Absolutely no problem. It was great. She really is growing a lot. And that's, that's what I want to say. I'm like, I'm really proud of her growth. She is making progress. She's growing, she's trying new things. And that's the other thing.

Part of it is pushing them a little, you know, we talk about this a lot, but you know, there's things you can push a little and there's things you should not, and it's very difficult, as you say, there's no NPC that tells you, like, fucking which thing is what. This one, I, you know, I think it would have been fine had she not been so exhausted, had I not fucked up and told her the thing and

0:43:01 Tom: Yeah.

0:43:53 Thomas: It would have been okay, I don't think I have

0:43:58 Tom: No.

0:43:53 Eli: Now, Thomas, have you tried being married to Anna Bosnick, the autism whisperer? Because she fucking no, she is the NPC of my life because constantly I'll be like no, no. No, no, this is a no for Max. And she'll be like, no he can try that. And he'll be, like, yeah, I'm fine. And I'm like, oh, fuck you guys! Right? And then I'll come downstairs and I'll be laying, oh he should probably wear a red shirt today. And Anna's like, he doesn't want a redshirt. And I'm like, right, redshirt's stupid. I don't know.

0:43:59 Thomas: Yeah.

0:44:17 Thomas: I am pretty good at that stuff, actually. I am pretty good, but it's, it's, you know, when you have a new big experience like Disneyland, there isn't a lot of day-to-day comparison for that. You know, like, I did my best.

0:44:28 Tom: But thing that is, I think, is possible to do but takes a lot of time, and actually, like, a therapist would be useful to help with this. Um, kids butt up against these, like, big feelings of real fear that, that coincide with what we think of as, like, everyday stuff, you know, like, you know, even if it's like riding a roller coaster where there's no real safety concern, or getting a vaccine, or you going to visit the doctor, doctor's office. Like, I think that they can practice soothing through trusted people, so you can work with somebody to build, like, a, a relationship, but like also, like, a mindset that, like, okay, but, but I'm dad or I'm mom and I'm here, and I am here to help tell you that this is safe. And if they can, like, work through their feelings of calming their actual fear into a place where it's like, okay, but it's not actual fear, because dad says it's safe.

That is actually, like, really useful, but it does take a lot of time to get kids there. Like, honestly, to get people there. It's because this is something like adults can run into too, where they really do need an emotional support person to really reassure them. Like, okay, we are in a safe space. We're in a save place. And I know that even though I'm butting up against this fear, I know, I know that because here's my dad or here's my husband or here is my wife, and they're telling me that this is safe. And so that can kind of short circuit that, like, runaway train process of anxiety or OCD, but that's a whole to get. There's like a whole process

0:45:18 Thomas: Yeah. Yeah.

0:45:51 Tom: That therapists are really useful for.

0:45:53 Thomas: Know one of the things I told them because They're like, oh, what's the scariest part? I was like, well, dad doesn't really get scared. I don't get scared I'll be honest the snow monster. That was pretty scary. That was the one I told her. I was Like that was the only thing that startled me a little like that did scare me, but I told told him, I'm not scared of anything. The only thing I'm scared of is you guys getting hurt.

And so I think about it. If that's the only thing I'm afraid of, I don't know. I'm going to let you guys get hurt. I'm never going to tell you to do anything that will actually hurt you. I don' t know if it breaks through, but the other thing to think about is when they're kids, it's with the raw, terrified sensation. You know? And it's a lot harder for them to get logic to poke through that. You know, it just is. But you know, I think it's worth working on. In the waning moments, I basically think this trip was me discovering my kids, you know, and used, phobias. Uh, Like there's the, Oh, this phobia is worn out. We got, we're done with the flying phobia. Here's the new one. Here's Um, the thing. Remy, God, Remy. Remi, Remi.

0:46:47 Tom: What was his favorite ride? Let me tell you.

0:46:48 Thomas: He, his favorite ride was the terrify terrorize us with screaming all day, every day. Um. If anyone has food in his presence, they are in infidel that should be killed violently, like it's, it's, that is fucking crazy. I don't know what to do about it, but it was pretty good until the flight home. He was, "Know, I don' blame him, he's there on very little sleep." This was an exhausting trip. Um, the flight, the last 10 minutes, he lost it. Like he lost at bed and Remy. Here's the thing about the crying: "Oh, crying babies cry on flights." "Oh, babies." No, we're not talking about a cry, we're, we're talking about the death rattle scream that I can only describe.

Words are inadequate to describe what the scream is. I was very worried that the dude in front of us was going to physically harm us because it was so bad. He started screaming and he wouldn't stop. And it was such a big deal. So fucking bad. And the thing is, he's old enough now that I realize he can't communicate much. But good and bad that he's bigger.

But one thing, and it's hard to explain to non-parents, I'm sure, but like, I'm really dialed into what, what I think their experience is at all times, as much as possible. And because it's like, OK, what, what is going to soothe him? Is it hugging him? Is it whatever? But he's old enough where it was being on a plane, like, because he tried to, like, get off, like, we put him down for a sec and he was like, yeah, I mean, I don't know.

I'm going to leave this plane basically. And we're like, well, you can't leave the plane. And he's like, well, that sucks then. And he goes back to screaming. And so it's a fear where it's like that level of intellectual understanding. He now just does not want to be on the plane anymore. And you can't like, he's old enough now where you can'T really trick him. You can'T Really like, oh, I'll hug you. Give you a snack. Now you've forgotten.

0:48:30 Thomas: No, he knows he's on the flight.

0:48:30 Tom: That's why you got to have that exit row. You got to get that exit, though, Thomas.

0:48:31 Thomas: Yeah. Or-- Fly.

0:48:34 Tom: I know it's hard. You got an elbow your way through to get that seat, you know? Yeah.

0:48:34 Eli: Just pop that door, yeah.

0:48:35 Thomas: Yeah. Fly one of the newer Boeings, and then, you know, you might be out anytime.

0:48:37 Tom: Yep. Oh,

0:48:39 Eli: Yeah, and then it pops itself. Yeah, exactly. It goes with it. No, I know exactly how you feel, Thomas, because I think I actually told this story on the air, but like, we had one of those landings with Max when he was littler. No idea why, I think his ears popped, something happened but he screamed "all done" like he was suffering, right the entire ride down.

0:48:40 Thomas: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah oh Remy says "odd done" too Yeah.

0:48:59 Tom: It sucks.

0:49:00 Eli: And his, his back, like, was arching and we couldn't physically construct, and again, there's true, so funny to reflect on the me that was like, "Get your fucking kid in order," you know, two seats back, versus the me, that's a parent that just wants to walk up and, and be like, "Hey, do you need any help? Is there anything I can do? Do you want my bottled water?" Because you're going through the worst possible thing right now, right? And the other thing is, like, the plane lands, right, else is having the, like, relatively irritating plane experience, you're watching a member of your family just absolutely lose it, like, you know, Pompeii has just exploded nearby, but then you have to do the rest of the plane stuff, right? It finishes and, and they're like, bing, and everyone gets their bags, and you're like... Oh, shit, I gotta go to luggage check. Like, they should have a recovery room just

0:49:04 Thomas: Yeah yeah yeah right

0:49:50 Tom: They should.

0:49:50 Thomas: You you expect someone to wrap a blanket around you like, to, like the, the end of Captain, what is it, Captain, "I'm the captain now" that one Captain Phillips yeah it's really good thing, you

0:49:53 Eli: Exactly, yeah. Captain Phillips. Yeah.

0:49:58 Tom: Oh I know. Oh the pirate where the Tom Hanks and the pirate.

0:50:02 Eli: Yeah.

0:50:02 Thomas: Expect you expect some medical personnel to just wrap a around you after that experience, but no, you gotta go check out, you gotta go get your luggage, you know, and that's what happened. That was what made it even worse too, because plane lands. And normally when it's more baby stuff, that tends to solve it. Plane has landed, pressure is equalized, you Know, like pretty much, okay, they're recovering. Remy was like, no, I still don't want to be in this metal tube.

0:50:02 Tom: Yes.

0:50:28 Thomas: And he's still screaming. We couldn't get, I was like, just let him walk anyway. I didn't fucking care. Just let him work literally. And It was the worst. I have done anything to stop that screaming. I was like, just let him walk. Don't let him do anything. And he wouldn't get over it.

0:50:22 Eli: Mm -hmm. Right, right, exactly. They...

0:50:28 Tom: Oh God.

0:50:42 Tom: Did the passengers let you out of the plane first? Like get this one out. Just

0:50:45 Eli: Oh, you can never...

0:50:45 Tom: Yeah.

0:50:45 Thomas: They were thinking about it, but it wasn't. It didn't matter.

0:50:49 Eli: Here's what happens. The people around you, the first row... Sorry, Thomas, don't let me interrupt.

0:50:49 Thomas: No, go ahead.

0:50:53 Eli: But the people around you, like within one and a half seats are like, hey, do you want to go first?

0:50:53 Thomas: I think you have it exactly. Yep. Yep.

0:50:57 Eli: And then some fucking lady two rows up is like, and so I told him I'm going to get myself an extra alligator suitcase. That's why I brought it on the plane with me. And I've stacked them into a little column right here in the middle of the aisle. And I'm gonna tie them together with this twine. Let me take my time. I don't want my knots to slip. And you're just like, please let me off the plane.

0:51:08 Thomas: Is Lucinda on the plane? Yeah.

0:51:17 Eli: And she's like, one second. I know we're all excited to be here.

0:51:20 Thomas: Exactly. The people immediately around were like, we too will do anything to end this. But

0:51:24 Tom: Cause it's in their best interest to get this kid off the fucking complain

0:51:26 Thomas: Yeah, but it's a group action problem because enough rows up, they're just hearing enough rows up. They're hearing the screaming, but It's not like shattering their eardrums. So it's, it's like, all right. Um, and also it wouldn't reason the Southwest domestic flight, like pretty reasonably fast to get off the plane. Um. But then, I um. Also have discovered I actually think that Remy might have a claustrophobia issue because he, time we we get in an elevator.

0:51:27 Tom: Right because we threw him in the suitcase and he hated he screamed even louder

0:51:50 Thomas: No, every time we get in the elevator, even though we're with him, he freaks out in a way that the other kids didn't. The other kids might freak out a little, but then you hug them and they're like, oh, okay. He's like, no, I don't want to be here. And he starts screaming every little enclosed space except the car, but he's so used to that because like every day. So anyway, that's a new phobia. I have to keep an eye on. I'm not diagnosing, I'm just keeping an eye on. Um, anyway, so that was murder, uh, but then we get home and you adorable, they're all adorable, it's the best, we have great memories and it's, it's so fun. Family Trips Are the Best podcast and I'm so glad I got to do that and, uh, coming to a Dear Old Dad's near you very soon, we're gonna all go Disney dads, oh

0:52:28 Eli: Dear old dads, alright Gentlemen, before we go, I gotta admit, I love this one. What did the Swedish teen say to his parents? I didn't ask to be Bjorn.

0:52:53 Clip: Want to meet sexy DILFs in your area? Email the dads at DearOldDads.com or, better yet, send us a message on Patreon. You can follow us on all social media by checking the links in the show notes. And if you need more podcasts in your life, you can find Tom on Cognitive Dissonance, Thomas on Serious Inquiries Only, and Eli on Godawful Movies and all the Puzzle in the Thunderstorm shows. Dear Old Dads is edited and produced by my favorite DILF, Tom Smith, who also wrote and recorded the intro music, which is used with his permission. This podcast is a production of Daddy Issues LLC. Copyright 2022. All rights reserved.

0:53:33 Thomas: Worry, he'll probably get tired of eating after going through my big body.

0:53:36 Eli: The sweet embrace of death. Shatter.

0:53:39 Thomas: I still don't want to be in this metal tube.