DOD143: Eli's Lawsuit; Dad Taxes Part 2

Transcript

This transcript was generated automatically and may contain errors — the audio is the record.

0:00:02 Clip: I'm the cool dad. That's my thing. I know now what I can offer you that no one else can. Complete and utter dependence. I'm a man. I'm sensitive. I need to feel loved. I need to be desired.

0:00:22 Clip: Telling is the only part of being a father that I enjoy.

0:00:28 Tom: To Dear Old Dads, the podcast that's suspended from your feed. I'm Tom Curry. I am joined, as always, by Thomas Smith and Eli Bosnick. Hello, gentlemen.

0:00:39 Eli: Ooooooh!

0:00:40 Thomas: Is that a reference to what we're going to talk about or is it a reference to the state of Eli's walls and furnitures furniture

0:00:49 Tom: I to share, because we have to, that before this call, Eli asked me for some home improvement advice, which I was happy to provide, and it's because his house was built at the turn of the dawn of time slime and appears to be made entirely out of like haphazardly collected sticks balanced at a series of obtuse angles I think yeah seriously this is like if three little pigs would pass up this house they'd be like no we're not even getting in this one

0:01:12 Thomas: Mache yeah yeah

0:01:03 Eli: -he -he! Was. Yeah. Mmm. No, they're gonna be like, come on, let's go back to that straw place, we can gather it up and... make the best of a bad situation.

0:01:24 Tom: It's like when your friend like sends you a picture and you're like all right it can't be that bad I'll have to I'll actually see it because you're likely like it must just be describing it wrong and they send you a picture of whatever the issue is you're like oh you just got to burn it down like know the only solution is charred wreckage that's it that's the only possible solution

0:01:39 Thomas: It of I feel like this has happened before where Eli presents Tom and I was something separately. Now, whoever it is has first gone through the process of like, let's say it's me. Let's say Tom, either one of us. Well, that's insane. So there must be some other thing. Let me figure that out. Okay. Is it this, is it, this, is it this lo and behold, then the other one of US comes on and then they have to go through the same process. Cause there's no way that like, I'm sorry, Tom, I, I, there's not like, things are weird enough with Eli that even though I trust you implicitly, I'm gonna assume like well something must have been wrong in the transmission of facts or something because and then I go through the same process and it's like no that okay so that's what you've been here all along okay wow your walls are really at 75 degree angles okay yeah

0:02:22 Eli: Yeah. Nothing to be done.

0:02:25 Tom: And then the best part is like we describe what Eli's trying to accomplish is to to secure a bookshelf to the wall. And through the course of this, Eli at one point is just like, I'm just going to call a guy on Fiverr. He's just giving up, just completely giving up.

0:02:39 Eli: Givin' up.

0:02:39 Tom: I don't blame you though, Eli. I am at a place where even simple home improvement products, I'm like, I don't want to do it.

0:02:45 Eli: It's not that I don't wanna do it. Look, if this was me, right? If this was I'm doing a thing for me, I'll fucking raw dog it all day, every day. Are you kidding? I'm I'm hanging a 10 pound weight above my head where I sleep. I got it. Duct tape and fucking moonshine. I'm ready to fucking go, baby. But this is in Max's room, which means it needs to be the safest, best thing ever done because the consequences of failure are the whole universe. Diverse, right? That's the problem is I live.

0:03:15 Thomas: Okay so I think you need to move

0:03:18 Eli: Yeah. Me about it.

0:03:20 Thomas: There is no safe way to occupy your house I'm just saying there just is not no

0:03:29 Eli: So yeah, I'm just going to I'm going to call our handyman and her handyman, the one I'm not suing, the one who didn't mess up our basement. I'm gonna call her.

0:03:34 Tom: You're suing your handyman no

0:03:36 Eli: Oh, man, have I not told this story yet? I don't think I've told this story anywhere.

0:03:39 Thomas: You haven't told it on here yeah

0:03:40 Tom: You're suing you're handyman

0:03:41 Eli: Oh this is so fun. This is so fun. Okay, get ready everybody buckle in for story time with Eli. So I had hired and depending on how this lawsuit goes, I might end up using this person's name post hoc. I had hired this handyman company before and their work was fine. Right. Wasn't amazing. I wasn't like, oh my gosh, this is the greatest thing I've ever seen in my entire life. But I was like, okay, you do. Right? And the price was right. And more importantly, they called me back. And if you haven't hired a handyman podcast listener, I don't know if you know this. I think we've actually talked about this on show that is apparently a profession where you just don't have to return phone

0:03:42 Thomas: New episode nope nope

0:04:18 Eli: Calls ever like you call that person and they're like yeah I'm coming to install the and then they don't show up and when you tell other people about that right like yeah obviously did you call them again to ask nicely for them to come a different time so it's insane but these people showed up on time every time which is why I really like them so So,

0:04:19 Thomas: Never the idiot yes boy bad sign they must really be terrible just

0:04:43 Tom: Nobody else that wants them right yeah oh I

0:04:45 Thomas: Hurting for customers

0:04:45 Eli: So, exactly. So on now I fucking know why. So theme of my house being made badly, when we moved in and our house assessed, they were like, it's fine, but here's the thing. The column that holds up your house is not to standard for how we build houses today. Yeah, you should get a proper column, get it replaced. So I call this handyman. And by the way, before everyone jumps in and is like, why didn't you call a proper construction? Because I didn't know you're supposed to do that. I that you call the people with the hammer and the nails for hammer and nail related activities.

0:05:00 Tom: Remember this yeah the yeah right yeah Yeah.

0:05:19 Eli: I understand they had specializations.

0:05:19 Thomas: Look when you have a phone everything looks like a hammer and nails that you call no I don't know I'm trying to yeah

0:05:27 Eli: Can I throw this out there? How come my profession isn't allowed to do this to the fucking hammer and nails professions, right? Every time I've said this to anybody, I can't believe you hired a handyman for that. I don't ever get to be like, I'm sorry, you hired a card magician when you wanted a mentalist? No, everybody's like, I don't UNDERSTAND YOUR THING AND IT'S SPECIALIZED BUT BECAUSE THIS IS BIG WOOD HAMMER AND NAILS I WAS SUPPOSED TO FUCKING KNOW THAT FROM BIRTH LIKE A BABY TURTLE FINDING WATER.

0:05:48 Thomas: They have a way bigger hammer like a big it's a two -man hammer actually they bring giant

0:05:55 Eli: It's about the size of the hammer they have. But I hired the wrong hammer people and they did a bad job. Not an unsafe job but a bad job I could tell right away the column they put in is tilted right it is visibly tilted and then there's another piece of wood attached to it and then that is held on by nails the column THEY PUT IN IS NOT ONE BIG PIECE OF WOOD IT'S A BUNCH OF LITTLE PIECES OF WOODS NAILED TOGETHER RIGHT AND THEN IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE AT LEAST THREE INCHES INTO THE WALL AND IT WAS LIKE JUST RESTING ON THE EDGE OF THE WALM SO I CALL MY INSPECTOR

0:05:58 Thomas: Nail I

0:06:30 Eli: FRIEND

0:06:30 Tom: There anything they did right? I mean, is it?

0:06:32 Eli: Showed up on time so

0:06:33 Thomas: Am look I'm a handy enough guy but I'm unfamiliar with this entire way that houses are apparently because over here we have houses built in this century sort of do you have a single like piece of wood that holds your whole house how does it please explain

0:06:46 Tom: OK. All All right. So, Thomas, I can help you because you're in California. You guys don't have basements, right? Yeah. So everything in the northeast east and the midwest or most houses have a basement and like the house itself sits on a then there's a basement then in the basement there are like nowadays there's metal posts typically but in old days there was big wooden beams that span the distance for the joists

0:06:51 Thomas: True oh okay okay but what's throwing me is that he says a column yeah there's one that does it that's what throws me I don't understand like is your house a popsicle like you have like a one column

0:07:20 Eli: Exactly yeah it's so so it's actually a two column popsicle one of the columns is fine it's not great the other one is was not amazing right it was fine it was safe but it was not Amazing so I come in and he does this bad job I call my inspector buddy and I'm like hey uh you come take a look at this I'm pretty sure it's bad and he's he's like, it's fucking bad. It's so bad. He writes me a letter, right? Which inspectors generally don't do being like, this is bad. Here's all the bad things about it. So I, I I call the handyman company and I'm like, hey, this Is the letter I got from the inspector. I'm going to get a couple of quotes to fix it. Um, but I'm just giving you a heads up and they're very nice about at the handyman company. They're like, we got it. Send us the quotes. So I sent them the quotes first quote. I get $18,000 to fix it. Second quote, I get $9,000. I forward both of those along to the handy man company and I'm like, Hey, like, do we do? Right. Cause I'm really trying to be nice about this. And this is one of their employees. Like I'm not calling the guy who did the work, right. I'm calling the sort of parent company talk to them about it. And their answer after the the quotes is, ah, you know, I could see giving you a partial refund, but basically what his argument breaks down to is if you want it to have this work done well, you should have paid more money.

0:07:28 Thomas: Gotcha

0:08:38 Tom: Wait the fuck yeah

0:08:39 Eli: Literally, literally that's the conversation and no illusions was present for this conversation. So he heard it happen.

0:08:41 Tom: What oh oh my god so

0:08:43 Thomas: Now did meant pay somebody else more money or like oh they had the upgrade package that you could have selected which is a competently done job but you didn't opt for that like add -on a

0:08:55 Eli: No. They mean you someone put else. Like they mean if, yeah, if ifyou were going to hire a big hammer person you would have paid big hammer money right

0:08:57 Thomas: Better hammer they a bigger hammer okay oh

0:09:03 Tom: Then they would have done the job right though right yeah so you imagine any other like circumstance and it's actually very similar hold on a second this is almost exactly what the cpa that I fired the second one said to me he literally literally had a meeting and it was supposed to be a tax planning meeting and he didn't understand how to use his own software and then he had all these crazy suggestions and I'm like well what about if we did this oh yeah that would actually be better and then his software didn't work I'm like those numbers don't add up it was a train wreck and I fired him and then he asked me why he was firing him like hey I just you we have different needs and he pushed again I was like fine like I'll tell you like I think your tax planning meeting we had was a bit of a mess and he said well if you pay me ten thousand dollars I can put together a much better presentation for you and I was like I don't think you can

0:09:05 Eli: And they would job right

0:09:21 Thomas: My god oh my God wait

0:09:46 Tom: I can you imagine like going to the doctor be like well we were going to resect your bowel um instead we

0:09:50 Thomas: That That is how the doctor works, Tom. You picked a bad example.

0:09:53 Tom: That's true that's actually I'll back back off of that one. You're right. That's crazy. So now you're suing him?

0:10:01 Eli: So well wait here there's so much more story

0:10:03 Tom: There's more.

0:10:04 Thomas: There's a lot more.

0:10:04 Tom: There's more.

0:10:04 Eli: So I'm like okay well that's an insane response and I see again the problem is I don't have a healthy anger right I'm working on with my therapist right now is I have unhealthy anger and I have no anger and I don't have healthy anger and healthy anger is the kind of thing that thomas or tom would do where they'd be like hey man you messed up you messed a big and it's time for you to fix it all right that's unacceptable

0:10:31 Thomas: Yeah. Eli never says like, ah, beans. You know, he's either like, whole family.

0:10:34 Eli: I have I will kill your whole family and burn the faces off all the photos of them that I find or well you gotta do what you gotta do brother man high five when I tell you that I ended the conversation by being like well I'll still hire you guys cause you do great work like how not in touch with my healthy anger I am yes so contact his contractors insurance his contractors insurance sends out a second inspector and they're like good news that job is terrible really badly done and I'm like oh thank goodness you guys are gonna give me the money and they're like no we don't cover bad work we cover if he destroys your house and I am not kidding the guy from the insurance company goes if there is a collapse let us know and I was like cool thanks if there's a collapse yeah

0:10:57 Tom: I'll still hire you. What? If there's a collapse. Flaps.

0:11:25 Thomas: I'll shout from under the rubble you'll hear and they'll be like oh we can cover this

0:11:32 Eli: I'll let you know you'll dog pulls me free with the barrel around its neck. I'll make sure to give you a ring. Uh, I, before anyone who is like physically worried about me or my family's safety, uh, it is secure, right? It is safe. It's just badly done.

0:11:42 Thomas: They're not safe oh okay

0:11:46 Eli: Um, but like, since there isn't damage done to the home, there's nothing the insurance can do. I call my own insurance. They're like, yeah, yeah. No, we'll be right there. So they're fucking fucked. So then I finally get a lawyer, right. Again, I have healthy anger. The lawyer is like, ah, there's not much we can do. We'll send them a letter of demand. They're supposed to fix it, after you you send them a letter or demand. Then you can go to the Department of Consumer Affairs because they're licensed. The Department of Consumer Affairs will tell them to fix it. But if they don't fix it then, you can sue them. And I'm just letting you know that if you sue them, you're probably just going to get a refund. And I was like, oh, sorry, I must not have made this clear. The quote that I have for fixing it, the lowest quote is $3,000 more than what I paid them. It would mean it would cost me $3,000. And the lawyer's like, yeah. I'm like, no, no. Sorry. You don't understand. Uh, the justice system is like just right. That's like why it exists.

0:12:43 Tom: And when the lawyer stopped laughing, what did he say next?

0:12:45 Thomas: He's like do you not talk to your friend thomas ever like do you guys just not actually speak behind speak behind the curtain everybody eli I never speak never

0:12:53 Eli: We never speak. This is true. And And so I was like, I system is just like a judge is going to, he's like, no, a judge is not going to award you money for a new contractor to come in. That's, that's think he said, that's an unfortunate thing that happened to you, but you're just going to have to deal with it. And here's the thing, right? Again, sane people, you're out there, you're out there listening to the podcast right now. And you probably go like, motherfucker, right? You go into your yard and you put your fists on your hips and you're like oh fuck fuck I say and then

0:12:54 Thomas: Before

0:13:27 Eli: You I don't know recover from those emotions somehow

0:13:29 Thomas: I think we we stamp a little bit like stamp our feet you know like huh there's a lot of huffing yeah

0:13:33 Eli: The things I that I can't relate to are you feel a way then you stop feeling that way okay alright whatever fucking memento disease over here you have an emotion that you don't hold your entire life okay but other thing is like I don't understand it in the moment like later I'll talk to someone after I talk to some one and I'll be like I guess that's not how humans interact that's why they got all quiet right what I said to that lawyer is I was like if the legal system fails then I don't HAVE TO FOLLOW LAWS ANYMORE and

0:13:42 Thomas: Harumph I said harumph

0:14:12 Tom: And the lawyer is like, yes, that's actually it's a little known loophole in the system. I can't believe you've one cool trick. It's a one cool track moment.

0:14:19 Eli: He he was like what and I can't emphasize enough like I am only partially kidding when I'm not kidding because I was trying to explain to him what I was thinking and feeling I was like right because like if the legal system fails what stops me from like going to their building and just smashing the windows and he waslike well that's a crime and I waslike uh -huh but there's no laws like you understand there'sno laws and hewaslike well no there there's this really Because I don't know this guy. He's literally, he's the father of someone who is also a parent at Max's preschool. And so I went into the family group and was like, hey, anyone got a good real estate lawyer? And he did this for free, which was very sweet. And he was like. Like, I think what you're failing to understand is that the legal system is not fair. The criminal system still works.

0:14:25 Thomas: Not kidding the murder that he was gonna commit there's criminal laws

0:15:11 Eli: And I was like, right. What So he did is not a crime. What I would do for fairness is a crime and he's like, exactly. And I Was like, okay, so what do I do? And he was like you pay the money like this is over. This is over and so we'll we'll find out.

0:15:23 Tom: You could get the refund, right? I mean, the refund would be worth. OK.

0:15:27 Eli: So we sent the letter of demand, right? For him to fix it. Uh, they have not responded. Then in in just one day from this recording, I have to send them another letter saying I'm telling department of consumer affairs. So now I go to the department of customer affairs and I have tattle to them, then they have to not respond to them. And then I get to sue for my refund. So I'm a mere six months away from getting the privilege of paying $3,000 for the work that I already paid money for. But I got to admit, and like, this is what makes me different from other psychopaths and sociopaths, right? Right? Because other psychopaths and sociopaths, they hear that their outlook on life is wrong and they change, right? They lie and are like, oh, I get it. I don't get it, I don' t get it I actually don't like this very nice older Jewish man really like really took the time because he took a bunch of class, right, he went to law school, he took a bunch classes where these issues must have come up, right. Someone one was like what if it doesn't work right they had to have that talk in law theory 107 or whatever fucking class he took he tried and obviously I didn't express this to him because it would made him sad but I was just like nah nah

0:16:46 Eli: There cannot wrap my head around this in a way that like and maybe it's just denial right maybe it's just like my brain doesn't want to deal with it but

0:16:57 Thomas: I'm gonna say that is how it is because I've gone through the exact thing times 400 000 and that didn't get through to you so

0:17:04 Eli: I hate to do this I actually think my thing's worse I think this is worse maybe you didn't hear this but it's it's the

0:17:10 Thomas: You'd have to pay a half a month of my legal bills to get your whole house fixed that's

0:17:12 Eli: I have to yeah I'm gonna have to I'm going to pay a little bit of money thomas and also like it's not inconvenient to me because it's just sitting there and it's safe so it's not dangerous but I don't like it so if you think about it it's exactly the same as what what happened to you thomas

0:17:25 Tom: That's Eli, is there anything worse than the civil justice system?

0:17:33 Eli: Probably like the holocaust but I don't know I honestly I don't KNOW BECAUSE HERE'S THE THING HERE'S the thing and I I know we have some civil servants and some of you are angels some of your angels a good civil servant you're just like oh my fucking god thank you so much like that's like you know how people ascribe that shit to religiosity she's like mother theresa spent her life in service and then you're like nah she just just tortured kids right but like actual civil servants who actually try to help people day in day out yeah

0:17:35 Thomas: Darn oh like the guy that I talked to on the phone about our tax situation situation for two hours that guy I was amazed I thought he was gonna charge me at some point but I'm like wait you can't you're not allowed to do that yeah

0:18:15 Eli: That are amazing but here's the thing we all have bad days at work we all have days when we mail it in but during this process I have had conversations with several people who were mailing in my emergency okay they're again I'm sure her, Tom, maybe you could even demonstrate. I'm sure when someone does that, there's a healthy excuse ma 'am. Gosh, you know, I hate to use strong language, but you need to take this seriously. I need you to buckle down and buckle up, lady. And if not, I'm going to need to speak to your manager. I don't know. That's what I don't know why I'm doing an African American comedian doing a white person's voice.

0:18:59 Thomas: That is Dave Chappelle's white person's voice 100 %

0:19:01 Eli: It's Dave Chappelle's white person voice voice because that's all I could picture for healthy anger but instead again I want to emphasize didn't slip into unhealthy anger I just stayed completely friendly while people were like well what are you gonna fucking do and I was like oh please care pretty please and they were like no bored

0:19:19 Tom: No, that's not how the system works. Yeah, what I've discovered, Eli, although that was a, that was actually a pass to you to do the auto ads thing, but like, what is

0:19:25 Thomas: I was that was he was so enraged that he refused he no -ended now

0:19:27 Eli: I have anger would have been like well thank you tom now it's the auto ads well gosh the only thing more hootin tootin

0:19:37 Thomas: You're doing a Jimmy Jim Stewart

0:19:38 Eli: Is the auto adds

0:19:40 Tom: Now? And you were an auto ad and you were another way.

0:19:41 Thomas: Well it's the auto ads wait

0:19:44 Eli: What can I say clarence would not have won that argument clarenCE would have been like don't do it and I would have been like I'm in pain all the time and he would have Been like all the Time and I Would have Been like yeah man auto ads dear old dads you can get a commercial free version of every single show So podcast listener, we were almost going to do another episode without Tom last week while he was on vacation, but we were ahead.

0:19:58 Tom: Ads we've

0:19:58 Thomas: I hope

0:20:09 Tom: Never done a whole episode

0:20:10 Eli: It would have been great. It would've been two episodes that Thomas missed, but you can have the only, Hey mate, you know what? We hear this all the time. People say, I love Daryl dads. Eli, you're the modern Keats. You're a genius. And I love everything you have to say. Why are there other people on that podcast? Well, in the parenting section for one of them, Tom was not there. Air so if you think about it that's your dream come true and you can have that for as little as a dollar show over at patreon.com/dearolddads you'll get a bonus episode did I mention this people say all the time oh you should have your wives on the show I'd love to hear from your wives we haven't done that once we've done it twice two times we've had bonus episodes with our wives onthe show doing wife amas you can access to all of that patreon. patreon.com/dearolddads rip into it yeah

0:20:10 Tom: Without me that's not something that ever happened never missed an episode

0:21:06 Thomas: That's true have we had them twice I have no memory of that I know once okay good thank god I'll

0:21:08 Tom: We do that again

0:21:09 Eli: Twice it was was when your basement was a little messed up thomas hey I just I don't want you to get like a lot of bad feedback do you want to apologize to me on air for that thing where you said it was the same because I feel like if you apologize on air we'll get a lot less I just don't I don't want you TO HAVE TO GO THROUGH THAT I feel like it's just like from your heart just whenever you're ready tom don't interrupt yeah that's

0:21:33 Thomas: Cut it into the beginning of the show it's fine yeah

0:21:35 Eli: Good yeah do a little pre -intro thing like you said a slur you didn't know existed

0:21:35 Tom: There you go

0:21:38 Thomas: Man do while we're on the topic of weird random shit do we need to update on the fucking tax thing I

0:21:40 Tom: Holy shit oh

0:21:49 Eli: Yeah an update on the taxes

0:21:49 Tom: My god tax

0:21:50 Thomas: So okay tax update we it's a little raw because we haven't fully solved it ourselves but I so here's what happened Tom you frozen again right you're Tom got frozen again now

0:21:53 Tom: Gate 2024 yeah I got frozen again you I just I just have to say like I cannot describe to you the incandescent rage that I felt when I found out I was once again in my goddamn checking accounts like there was a moment of just pure heart -stopping I was I was not 100% sure I was going to survive it I thought I was like I was gonna blow out and have an aneurysm right here I really was like I'll just I will have a fucking heart attack right here and I won't even care. I'm that mad. I won't even fucking care. I was so...

0:22:33 Eli: It'll feel good it'll be good I'll be glad I've had a heart attack

0:22:36 Tom: I... Oh, I was so mad.

0:22:37 Thomas: Trust that you guys know this is true about me. I became a Japanese world war two general where I was like, well, I have to kill myself now. Like, so I have messed up and it's my fault somehow. I must kill myself. I'll fall on my sword. And so the way I fell on my sword, ladies and gentlemen, this is how much I, I wouldn't I believe Tom was going through this again. I thought we had a treaty with the state of California, you like I thought we'd figured out, hey, you you give us nine months for you to process the forms. And then and if you give us that time for you To do something, then you won't freeze all of Tom's assets for payment of 900 fucking dollars. I can't believe we had it. I'm saying that out loud. But that was the was it detente? Is that the word like that was the thing where we reach we ratified

0:23:04 Eli: Form we gave you that was the price on tom's head yeah I

0:23:24 Tom: That way...

0:23:26 Thomas: Yeah yeah the bounty hunters were like okay we're that's we're fine for now if as long as you your extra promise that we will process the forms and we're like yeah I hope you will I don't fucking know we can't do anything we're sitting here just being like do it just do it why are holding a gun to our head and saying hey did I process the forums I don' know fucking did you shoot me then just go ahead and do it you don't have the guts california a franchise tax board and

0:23:50 Eli: Already

0:23:52 Tom: By the way. This happens the day, like I find out on my drive home from work the day before a fucking holiday. So I'm about to go on vacation. It is the day Before the 4th of July and I'm in the car. There is actually literally nothing that I can do while this is happening.

0:24:05 Thomas: I think it's intentional they try to do it during or right after before a holiday it seems like which is bank wise hell right I mean it's got to be intentional for this is not a joke this is the amount in controversy for this particular thing is 900 a fucking dollars I would have just given them 900 at any time I don't think I'm allowed to do that. Like it's a, anyway, I 4th of July was a on Thursday, Thursday. So I am like, okay, there's nothing I can do on Thursday cause it's the state. There's no, nothing's open. There's no, you can't pull a guy in. So I told, I told Tom, I was like, here, how much I am going to kill myself. I managed to find that there's a physical building where these people exist. And don't worry, I didn't do that in an Eli way. Like I'm not, I'm I'm not getting a bunch of fertilizer or anything. I was just like, I'll go, you there. And once you get here is a weird thing about the government. If you can get to a person, it actually usually really helps. Like enough. Like I found phones there. They feel free to just put you in phone hell for the rest of your life. Like they tried to call now. I don't know how you gentlemen got through. I tried a call in the, in the system is like, Hey, fuck you. And hangs up. Like, it's seriously like, nah,

0:24:17 Tom: The absolute worst. It's the absolute worst yeah yes right yeah

0:25:22 Thomas: Can't do it. I thought that wasn't an option. I thought they had to at least be like, Hey, your wait time is 47 days and then make me hang up. But no, they're like, um, we're too busy. And I'm like what? And so I find that there's a physical location and I live near Sacramento. So there's gotta be a California franchise tax board thing. AndI find it it's about a 20 minute drive and I talked to them and I was was like all they were like well schedule an appointment you can get one next month and I was like no can do man I gotta kill myself today like I'll be dead by then by my sword

0:25:51 Eli: Have the sword this guy's standing there waiting to cut my head off if I can't do it and I'm paying him hourly Orally, yeah.

0:25:54 Thomas: I'm suspended over it and the weight and it will by Eli's beam or whatever like that's gonna collapse and then I fall on my sword and

0:26:02 Eli: My beam wouldn't hold up your weight. That's a silly example.

0:26:05 Thomas: So she's like well it sounds like then, or whoever I was talking, I can't remember. It might've been a chat bot or no, I call, I called that office and they're I told them, I was like, Hey, my business partners counts are his family's accounts are frozen. Uh, over this stupid amount. I, this has major problems for a, my California business. I tried to put it in those words. Like maybe they would give a shit. And she's like, well, okay. It sounds like you need to come in. I was like, yeah, that's what, yes. That's what what I'm trying to do she's like no um can do a um walk -in appointment and I'm thinking okay is if this is this sounds to me like this is gonna be the DMV times 50 like I'm gonna I'm gonna walk in and it's Beetlejuice and I have the you 10 millionth number and then the guy with the shrunken head is next and all that stuff but I was like all right I gotta do it I gotta do it. I feel so bad at this point and she was like you should what you should do is you should come in early is the word she used. I wasn't familiar with it. And I so had to look that up and I was like, Oh my, that can't be right. Checked a couple of different dictionaries.

0:27:02 Eli: No. Can't you please just cancel his banking? Like, delete all his bank accounts or something? What if I let you kill one of his kids?

0:27:07 Thomas: Yeah.

0:27:07 Eli: I know which ones is not his favorite. I know what you're going to do. I know how much one he's okay with you taking.

0:27:08 Tom: That does nope okay

0:27:08 Thomas: I tried to bargain for some, yeah. Sell some body parts, but no,

0:27:13 Eli: Much do you know about Sonic the Hedgehog?

0:27:21 Thomas: So the place opens at eight and I was like all right tom this is what I'm gonna do for this to be my last act as a living person I'm going to go I'm to get up at fucking 7 30 I think I guess 7 30 and go to the place and go wait in a government building and get an appointment and I damn near did that like I didn't I was a little late but but I was close. Was Like like the earlier you get the better. And that was me being like, I'm going to get there when it opens the minute it opens, got there about 15 minutes after it opened. And now it's as good as I could do. Um, that was still, that was still an hour called eight 15. Have you ever even heard of that hour? Like I didn't know. So I get there and it was good because there's already, there's like five people there. I'm like, they must've slept there. You can't have gotten there before me. It's impossible. Possible and and uh there's like five people and then eventually I get called

0:28:12 Tom: Like cons like they're waiting outside for concert tickets just in front of the fucking irs building or whatever

0:28:17 Thomas: Just a bunch of swifties like waiting to get into the franchise tax board and so I get my turn and I start explaining to the guy and I love this I won't go through all the boring details but I've gotten somewhat good and this is this is the skill if you can call it a skill this is a thing I have that makes me a super annoying person it also makes me sometimes a good interviewer which is I know, which is, I am not going to move on. I am NOT going to fucking move on, you gentlemen know this about me, I'm not gonna fucking move on until we all, all the facts are understood by both parties. Like, if it's important, then we all need to understand. I'm NOT gonna, I'M NOT gonna sit there and you say, oh yeah, it's the schmugglers, the bosses, and I'm like, okay, because most people are like, oh, yeah, sure, whatever, okay. I'll go do that. No, this is an important situation. So I I sensed that something was wrong because he first told me yeah Tom didn't do his side of the form and I was like now if I were Eli I would have already gone on a parade declaring that I was right and Tom was wrong and Tom messed up

0:28:37 Eli: You're late all the time.

0:29:17 Thomas: And there'd be you take take out you see it in the news but that's

0:29:20 Eli: It's in ad the times like donald trump trying to get black people murdered

0:29:23 Thomas: Next to the Donald Trump one Tom is unfit to file wireless taxes.

0:29:29 Tom: That's I and that is actually true which is why other people do that for me

0:29:34 Thomas: This was a chance for me and all my annoyingness to shine as a person. Cause I was like, look all my bias is would love me to believe that I did the right thing. And Tom fucked up, but I'm pretty sure that's not true because we have gone back and forth on this a lot of times and we've gotten several different answers. And it seems like the problem is on the company side and not on Tom's side. So I, I I could have left it there. He's like, yep, they need to do their, their fucking 592. And I was was like, I don't think that's right. Can you, and then he checks for another 20 minutes. Like he just silently, I'm just waiting there. I was texting.

0:30:01 Tom: My god just slapping away at the keyboard like he's the like you're buying an airplane ticket at the counter owner.

0:30:07 Thomas: And my thought is, well, where was that the first time? Like, do what you think I came all the way in here because I wanted a quick wrong answer to something? Like is that, is that why I woke up? I'm in my like nightgown. I'm, I've been an old timey old woman's like night gown thing. And I have the cucumbers on my eyes and I'm, and I somehow made it into your building at an hour that I didn't know people existed. Do you think I just wanted you to give me like a, yeah, you know, like a ballpark. Here's what I think. Or do you thinkI wanted youto look it through every computer system that your weird California government thing has and find what literally is happening directly is happening. So I pried him on there. You know, I, I went after him on that and eventually he's like, oh, okay. Yeah. Yeah so the reason is this is an extra special super special thing for some fucking reason that's a different department and so I can't see that part and so that's couldn't tell I just said 592 didn't say which side of it I was like okay that's super helpful to know so what do I do he's like well you gotta call a number I waslike

0:31:11 Thomas: Are I came all the way in I came all this way all the things I just did and I have to call a member he'slike yep but it's a different, it's a different like special sub thing. So you was like, how long is this going to take? He's like, you should Be able to get through. Cause it's not like, Hey, I need help with my normal person taxes

0:31:25 Tom: My God. It's a number we literally don't tell anyone exists, right? So like there's no reason anybody else has ever called this number. Just asked for this number yesterday from the phone company.

0:31:26 Thomas: Until they do this. I, and could, yeah. And so, I call back that number I'm thing gives you an estimate. Your average time will be 25 minutes. I was Like, okay, that's a reasonable time. And here's the other thing I do again, because I do not want this to be a problem anymore. My dedication to these two bros to these dads that I was like I'm not leaving this building because if I drive home and I'm on hold and then the guy's like oh no actually you need to go back to that building and do something I'm going to stay here so if anything goes wrong I can throw my phone at that guy and be like you're wrong and whatever so I'm sitting there in the lobby on hold 25 minutes was the number I was given uh, 55 minutes goes by finally someone picks up and here I'm thinking you know when you get that paranoid on hold like like, Oh, what if I lose the call? Like fucking a, what if I lost the call because I'm in a building, I'm not on Wi-Fi. I'm like, I don't want to move, you know, like I was worried about going to the bathroom. And so finally I get through and the guy is the most helpful person imaginable, but it's also hilarious because he's like, excuse it's the fucking, uh, what's the guy cough? It's Kafka. It literally is Kafka

0:32:37 Thomas: Ask because a giant bug bug.

0:32:37 Eli: It's really kafka yeah that's it's what he worked there and he was like hey you know what this is like it's like if you woke up as a bug and no one cared That's what my job is like.

0:32:50 Thomas: That's pretty much it. And it's worse too, because I talked to this guy and he's like, he basically long story short, God, this was a two hour call that I recorded most of so that Tony D could hear. Cause I really want to make sure like if anything came up and it wasn't my fault, I wanted to be sure that it wasn't just me saying that. Like I wanted to be absolutely sure.

0:33:09 Eli: Get to brag on you for this because I was trying to figure out how to work this in. Podcast listener, when I tell you the heroism, like, you ever see those guys who fight alligators? That's how Thomas faces bureaucracy in this call. I counted. I counted because I went, I was like, if we ever talk about this on air, I want Thomas to know. 14 times someone on that phone call does the very clear, I'm sorry. Sorry well is there anything else I can help you with and thomas is like actually no no the phone call's not over um do this now and the person's like ah you got me fort one four oh super sweet so

0:33:44 Thomas: I'm entirely nice the whole time. I'm entire nice the the whole time thank you

0:33:48 Eli: Sweet there's not a single moment where thomas does anything but the sweetest form of polite but the times where me and everyone else in the world would be like ah I have been foiled by bureaucracy thomas is just like nah nah let's let's keep trying on this pickle

0:34:02 Thomas: Telling you it was the part I was born to play this was the ultimate SIO in that I had a captive audience like he I guess I don't know by law couldn't hang up on me I'm not actually sure I don't KNOW WHY THIS GUY DIDN'T JUST HANG UP ON ME BUT MINUTES INTO THE THING BUT I WAS LIKE I'M WELL GOING TO GET EVERY Possible Answer That This Man Has Which May Be Zero But It May Be A few and I did I went through every single thing and there were times where he's like well you and I'd be like all right I think that's wait a minute hold on one more thing and then we go off for another half hour and he was great he he was amazing um long story short how had suspected that they'd lost the form that when last we updated everybody we're like oh they must have lost form I have a hard time again anything that's like oh oh, that would be really convenient for me is if it's not my fault. The opposite of Eli, where Eli will make, rewrite the facts. So that is what happened, even if it's not. I'm like, that can't be what happened. Like it has to, you know, like it's too easy. I the

0:34:56 Thomas: Universe is going to be that nice to me. I'm always like, no, it's got to be me. The guy is like, oh, no. We definitely lost the fight. He was like, I'm he didn't know for sure, obviously, but he was like. No, this happens all the time. I'm talking to people all the Time and here's the thing I was asking. But what happened with 2023? 23. There's no way I would be willing to believe you lost 2022. That's believable. That you hear me debate statistics with this guy, cause he's like, he's like, no, I bet we lost both. And I was like, okay, man, I don't want to go all marsh on you or whatever. Like, but like the Know how many of these you would having to be have to be, what the fuck am I trying to say? You know how many of these would have to to be losing that's it for two in a row to happen to me I mean it's obviously anything's possible statistically but like that's two years two different independent thing if percentage of these forms could they be and still be considered government entity

0:35:15 Eli: That was my

0:35:42 Thomas: Yeah

0:35:42 Eli: Was My question and kept ducking that question and I wanted you to invite me on to that serious inquiries only's episode for a debate where I could be like no no no no I need you to tell me how often you lose these forms because like podcast listener again Again, no unhealthy anger. So I would never express this to Thomas's face. But like while we were discussing it, my problem secretly behind the scenes was, but this would mean they lost the forum two years in a row. Right. But my answer until I listened to the phone call was going to be Thomas fucked up. Right. Thomas was like, I'm so busy here. Remy, take this to the post office.

0:35:57 Thomas: My problem too yeah

0:36:17 Eli: And he ate it. Right.

0:36:19 Thomas: To which I kept telling eli they cashed the checks that went in the same envelope so that's not the issue yeah I told I had to tell you I had five times it's fine I get it it's

0:36:24 Eli: Wasn't listening to that. I wasn't listening to THAT. Again, I wasn 'T listening. I wasn''T listening, right? Neither here nor there. Can

0:36:32 Thomas: It's there I'll tell you where it is it's their night

0:36:32 Tom: I think that's both of the directions. That's

0:36:34 Eli: I say you how much I love that sentence as a psychopath? I can't tell you how often a reasonable person has been begging me, just fucking begging me to admit that there's no possible way my worldview is true. And I've said that's either here nor their, and because of the construction of the English language, they have to be like it is though it's here and there it's all the it's all the places should

0:36:39 Tom: Fair.

0:36:40 Thomas: It is what it is yeah Yeah. And it's the Beatles song. Yeah. It's here, there and everywhere. So I kept look, I'm I'm decent at this kind of thing. I kept keeping all the facts in mind and four or five times I'd tell Eli, but the fucking checks were in the same fucking envelope. So I know it's not me because he was like, you should attract the envelope. And I'm like, hey, you know, fair point fair hey fair fair point however if that's what you want to blame it on I can tell you it's not that you know how they cash the fucking checks unless somebody stole the envelope out of the mailbox and was like oh well but I should deposit these in the california state tax board bank account like I'll do that while I'm here I'll just take the form for some reason unless that happened they cashed the fucking cheques that came in the thing that had the form because it's like sort of like a uh you know it's Like a receipt you put in with it that's That's all the form is. It's like one page. No, the guy was like, nah, I bet we did. And you heard me. This was the part

0:37:18 Eli: Attract okay defense say you should attract a fucking opal yeah and

0:37:25 Tom: Cash the check.

0:37:52 Thomas: That was a little unnecessary.

0:37:52 Tom: I love that he's just like look this is we do a bad job we just like over here we just do it we assume actually it's probably on us we I know we froze your accounts but we are simultaneously aware of two facts one we do the wrong thing we do it wrong we do a bad and two fuck you we froze your account for it what

0:38:11 Thomas: And I asked him, I was like shouldn't look. If this is what the system is and this unreliable, shouldn't you guys maybe like have a more chill approach to freezing people's entire family's bank accounts? He's like, yeah, I agree that we should do that. But that's See, here's the thing. It's a different department. If you want to not be a bug you got to go to the other department is always the answer some other department and it's like I nobody why this is so crazy and impossible and the book and the kafka -esque because it's nobody's fault like there's no one person that's I will not allow any credit to tony d

0:38:38 Eli: Credit where it's due to Tony D because I feel like there's been a lot of slander against my sweet sweet tony g and look podcaster we're not going to have this conversation on air but tony D will be doing our taxes this year instead of thomas's fuck -ups so I don't want you all to have to what I'll steal the I'm stealing the company right now thomas I'm sealing the company right now as we speak

0:38:49 Thomas: Not I will leave the company I will live I will lead the company so you know how I keep having to tell eli that the checks were cashed and he keeps forgetting getting I do need still need to keep telling eli that tony d fucked it up twice before this ultimately he wasn't the the fuck up like there was five fuck ups and the last one I guess matters in any situation because it's the last reason that things aren't working but tony d filled b put that your business owner income was w2 wages so that was the first letter you got which is fucking stupid and tony wants to come on and harass my accountants for being idiots for not committing fraud, but he put the fucking thing on the wrong form that even I would do right. Stupid.

0:39:04 Eli: Thomas thomas that's neither here nor there and you know it so tony's gonna be doing our taxes this year we will have that fight off here I don' t want you but my being one of the things that tony said early when we were like hey we think the the California government made a mistake. He was like, yeah, most people get so scared when they get like the second letter, they just double pay them. And California never has to fix that problem, right? This is what I didn't realize, is like when the government takes too much money, they don't do that math for you. They never go like, hey, it turns out you overpaid your taxes, champ. Check is on the way.

0:39:39 Thomas: All right, Tom, you want to branch off to a new company or they do do that actually, but you're getting, you're literally getting it. Sorry to know about you, but you're a check from California any day now because of that exact thing.

0:40:16 Tom: Only because you went down there to fistfight fight with them like I also want to point out that the state of california before they froze my account the second time literally sent me zero they didn't send me a single notice or notification notification they were because we had the first resolution call with them when I was like okay great you know clap my hands together everything sounds like it's resolved they need a form we sent the form they're they're gonna put everything on hold they acknowledge it take you know 36 weeks to get their form fine okay cool everyone's happy thought send no notice they only way I find out anything is frozen from the state of california is because Because shit just stops working. That's actually the method that they use.

0:40:53 Thomas: They sent no notice about any of this to me, to

0:40:55 Tom: Yeah. Nothing.

0:40:55 Thomas: Any, anyone, anyone involved except like the one one you guys got and anyway long story short I still think it's impossible they lost the form two years in a row because the math on that is crazy so I was actually coming up with him this is where again he put in a little extra time for sure I was like wait is there a chance because if listeners keen listeners may remember that I both sent in the 2022 forum at the time the 2023 forum atthe time and then when we got this problem I sent them both in like fresh copies of both and he was able to verify like the only ones we have are the fresh copies of both that you sent like you could tell the date of it and I was like that's impossible I was like wait a minute is there any chance that somehow the timing works that you cash the 2023 checks but that form is still waiting to be processed somehow after the one that I sent later and he's like possibly and I'm like well okay at least there's that chance because the fact if they lose two in a row like come on what percentage what percentage could

0:40:58 Tom: Nothing.

0:41:52 Thomas: They be losing it's

0:41:52 Eli: That's why Tony's doing our taxes this year. Absolutely. All

0:41:55 Thomas: Not oh I have I have lots of plans they don't involve that none of them involve that but

0:41:55 Tom: We'll solve nothing. That would solve nothing? That's not an answer.

0:41:59 Eli: Tony. My sweet, sweet Tony.

0:42:03 Thomas: Was even worse than that because he was already fixed tom it's even worse I don't know if you caught this I don't know how much you listened to this insane conversation

0:42:09 Tom: I was on vacation, Thomas Smith. I was trying not to have a blowout aneurysm.

0:42:15 Thomas: You didn't listen to this, Tom, Jesus. So it remember how he said they had the forms that I sent in the new forms, the fresh forms. Remember how I said he confirmed the dates of those. Then one might wonder, Hmm, why did Tom's account get frozen? If that indeed, they had that form two weeks prior to them freezing that account.

0:42:30 Tom: I am, in fact, wondering this.

0:42:32 Thomas: Oh, I'll tell you why, Tom. He said, Oh, then it needs to be applied to his account. And I was I was like, OK, but I thought that's what that's why we're doing. I thought That's the whole thing we were doing.

0:42:33 Tom: Isn't that what the form does? Because the one is that that's what the form

0:42:44 Thomas: That's what I literally asked him. He was like oh yeah, no, that's the that's form that does that allocates it. But like because it wasn't there initially now someone has to go and hit a button to like apply it and to which I asked you hear this in the recording go ahead and listen if you want time to kill kill somebody I asked well, what causes that like would you have done that? And he's like, oh, I'm doing it now. Cause you called. I was like, okay, what, but what if I didn't call? And He's like he hadn't literally no, he didn't have an answer. He's Like, I don't know. Maybe

0:42:44 Tom: Is doing so they just would not have done it see

0:43:17 Thomas: We would have done it.

0:43:17 Tom: This is why it's good you did it this is Why It's Good That You Did This because like there is a point when I'm talking to bureaucrats like this where I can't help myself but to make them repeat insane shit back to me and then ask them if they can hear themselves like I just I can't help myself would be like okay so this is the place that we find ourselves do So are we agreed that we're here in this space of utter and complete insanity? Like you understand the space. And when I get to that place, I oftentimes stop making progress.

0:43:29 Thomas: I did a little. Yeah. Oh no, I Don't do that. Okay. Yeah, I've if it's not the person's fault, I can't be mad at them. Like, can't. I'm just like, well, it's on your fault. I feel like too much of an asshole if somebody else made a mistake and then I'm yelling at some guy who's not responsible. Like I can't. I be mean, a little left, like overflow mad about the situation sometimes, but like, I CAN'T be mad at somebody whose fault it isn't.

0:44:06 Tom: Because you're a better person. I am forced by an internal mechanism without my control to sort of make everybody agree that we are in a crazy person space. And because they can't do that, right?

0:44:18 Thomas: He agreed. Yeah yeah.

0:44:19 Tom: A lot of times, though, bureaucrats aren't allowed to do that. And so they'll try to talk around it. And I just can't let that go. Like there's a part of me that cannot let that go.

0:44:27 Thomas: I was incredibly surprised by how much this guy was willing to do. Like, I actually wonder if he'll get in trouble for like, cause I had certain point I worried about like, oh, is he allowed to say they fucked up because of liability or something, you know, but I guess you can't really sue the government for anything unless they let you. So, so apparently he was like, well, what happens at that point is usually someone calls.

0:44:47 Thomas: Oh, cool. So you freeze their fucking bank accounts. Then they call and then you go, oh I'll push the stop harassing you button even though you've already done everything you've already done absolutely everything I will push the stop fucking ruining your life button that we could have pushed at any time and I literally was like well if that's the case I'm not getting off this phone until you do that for all the years that we're talking about and they did and he verified and so yeah there's no there's no good answer I woke up I was a bug and we don't even know why I think they just lost it I when I was willing to take responsibility for 2022 a it's because that was longer ago ago and I have ADHD. So I for all I know, I don't remember where I was then, but I was like, all right, that's longer ago. Maybe I fucked up. But when I was willing to take that bullet, it was because I thought I forgot to sign the form. Cause I was, like, oh, maybe there's a signature line. That was just purely me trying to figure out what would have happened. So I asked him, I was Like, oh well, so if I didn't sign it, he's like, Oh no, that wouldn't matter. So I was nevermind. Not my fucking fault. I am positive. This is not my fault. They lost the fucking forum end of tax discussion and we're not hiring tony d I will quit the show

0:45:57 Eli: Well, we are going to hire

0:45:58 Thomas: Dear old dad's done lydia's

0:45:58 Eli: Tony D, everybody. If you want a sexy, sexy something, dad's sex, if you want to have sex with our dads, Patreon. Right, gentlemen, before we go and let Tony know that he's now officially the accountant and bookkeeper for our podcast, how do you find Will Smith in the snow? No, you look for fresh prints.

0:46:34 Tom: That's pretty good, actually.

0:46:35 Thomas: Gonna fucking love that one that's a good one uh

0:46:37 Tom: That was pretty good. I like that one. All right.

0:46:45 Clip: Want to meet sexy DILFs in your area? Email the dads at DearOldDads .com or, better yet, send us a message on Patreon. You can follow us on all social media by checking the links in the show notes. And if you need more podcasts in your life, you can find Tom on Cognitive Dissonance, Thomas on Serious Inquiries Only, and Eli on Godawful Movies and all the Puzzle in the Thunderstorm shows. Dear Old Dads is edited and produced by my favorite DILf, tom smith who also wrote and recorded the intro music which is used with his permission this podcast is a production of daddy issues llc copyright 2022 all rights reserved

0:47:24 Eli: Motherfucker, right?

0:47:26 Thomas: We're not hiring tony d I will quit the show

0:47:29 Eli: Well, we are going to hire Tony D, everybody.

0:47:30 Thomas: Dear old dad's done lydia's

0:47:33 Eli: If I say and then I say you how much I love that sentence as a psychopath? I

0:47:42 Tom: Fair.