DOD126: Birthday Parties - The Parental Cold War Arms Race

Transcript

This transcript was generated automatically and may contain errors — the audio is the record.

0:00:27 Tom: Welcome to Dear Old Dads, the only parenting podcast that still doesn't know whether to open its gifts in front of everyone or wait till you get home. I'm Tom Curry. I'm joined as always by Thomas Smith and Eli Bosnick. Hello, gentlemen.

0:00:41 Thomas: Well, tell you what we did. Go Here

0:00:43 Eli: Yeah, you did. I guarantee you the Smiths make the correct decision, which is they open their damn presents when they get home.

0:00:49 Tom: No, that is the wrong decision. No, all right, let's fight.

0:00:50 Eli: No, this is Christmas all over again, Tom.

0:00:52 Tom: We gotta fight now.

0:00:52 Thomas: We go.

0:00:53 Tom: We are fighting.

0:00:53 Eli: You and your insane cavalcade of present human sacrifice, like fucking Amazonians throwing a teenage girl into a volcano.

0:01:01 Tom: People People wanna see their presents open. They brought a present.

0:01:04 Eli: No one wants that.

0:01:06 Tom: They want That, at

0:01:06 Thomas: Well, also, Tom wants to know if he has to disown another family, branch of the family in real time. You don't want to go home and do that.

0:01:09 Tom: I I thought the presents are like the most exciting part for the kid too, and like, really, I you wait till you get home, you take that and just you make the kid wait

0:01:19 Thomas: We did it so well. I can't wait to talk about it. We pulled off the perfect Eli's going to make fun of us birthday party for Arlo. Arlo. Arlo, as of today, recording is five years old. Big boy. So huge. I can't believe it. This man, he is the funniest kid in the world and he's retiring five and we did the perfect birthday party in my opinion, which I can'T wait to get Eli's take on it.

0:01:20 Tom: Uh Yay Arlo Yeah

0:01:31 Eli: Oh,

0:01:42 Tom: I got to hear about the present situation, though. Did you open them at home? The

0:01:45 Thomas: That was, I was going to be part of it, but, Lydia, um, uh, brilliantly, how fucking new tools and bits and bobs and things do you have as a parent because we have a bunch of them and one of them is like this wagon, there's like bigger wagon that for like either outdoors.

0:01:59 Eli: Yeah, the The I give up wagon.

0:02:02 Tom: I give up wagon.

0:02:02 Eli: This is great.

0:02:02 Tom: Wait, is this is this one of those folk, we have one, we had one of of those like folding cloth wagon things that was like, yeah, I used it once, like

0:02:03 Thomas: I think that's it, but this one is like heavy duty, this one's like huge.

0:02:14 Eli: For people who were like, Hey, we can't put our kids in strollers anymore, but man, do we not give a fuck? Is there a child wheelbarrow?

0:02:22 Tom: What?

0:02:23 Eli: We could hawk our kids around.

0:02:22 Thomas: Oh, we don't put our kids in it.

0:02:26 Tom: I did. I used that one time.

0:02:27 Eli: Oh, I see so many kids in that thing.

0:02:30 Tom: Bought it and used it one time for Halloween when the kids were fairly

0:02:28 Thomas: Oh, Yeah, okay. Oh, That's a good idea. Did you tow it behind the car?

0:02:34 Tom: Little. It was like and they were pretty big age difference. Yeah.

0:02:38 Eli: Yeah. Let's go squealing around corners.

0:02:42 Thomas: Kids jump in, let's get to a better neighborhood.

0:02:43 Tom: Man, I think it's not as stable as you would think. Yeah, man. One turn about 30 miles an hour, the kids go flying, and now you're the neighborhood bad guy, you know?

0:02:48 Eli: Flying. Yeah. Now you're the bad guy.

0:02:45 Thomas: Yeah, no, The Lydia brought that and that accumulated all the presents, and then it was perfect because it was just like, all right, well, tow that on out and let's go home, uh, so we did the presents at home, which is, I think it may be the first time we've done that, actually. It, the awkward thing where, like, certain people, people have left anyway, and then also it was, it, like, cold, which was nice. God, I never get the experience of it

0:03:14 Tom: Like Like the vibe from the kids? Yeah, I get that. Yeah, right, yeah.

0:03:15 Thomas: Yeah Yeah, Arlo's not well -liked.

0:03:19 Tom: Just hot staring, just daggers right at Arlo the whole time.

0:03:17 Eli: Yeah that's

0:03:24 Thomas: Of it is Arlo gets so much ass that they're just.

0:03:28 Eli: What it is, it's a sexual jealousy thing, the

0:03:30 Thomas: Sorry. I always worry about our new listeners. There's a long -going joke. Never mind. I'm not going to. We'll cut it.

0:03:38 Eli: The only thing worst than being cock blocked by Thomas Smith's son, why, it's the auto ads, the auto ads, the five-year-old in your life that's getting all the poon you're are not getting, but can get as much sex as Thomas's five-year-old son is the set I have to play this out I have I set

0:03:57 Tom: This is very weird

0:03:55 Thomas: Okay, so now I can't cut that, I guess. Yeah. Yeah. I was going to edit it.

0:03:59 Eli: Up the construction I

0:03:58 Tom: I don't Approve of this I'm getting a can we start a new podcast, Thomas start a show, I

0:04:00 Thomas: Yeah.

0:04:01 Eli: Have answer it call response welcome to Dear Old Dads, the go patreon and weird as it is to say this now look

0:04:09 Thomas: The only podcast where a five -year -old gets more ass than a... Damn it. We did it again.

0:04:13 Eli: If you want to give me money for, for what I just said, I think it's a crime, but it's, but if you want to give us money for other reasons, you can go to patreon.com/dearolddads, where for as little as a dollar, you'll get a commercial-free version of every single episode, plus an extended little parenting story at the end of every episode. When Tom feels like it, check it out over at patreon.com forward slash Dear Old Dads.

0:04:22 Tom: This okay one god damn it

0:04:47 Thomas: Yeah, Arlo's fifth birthday. It's the same as tax day, so I can actually remember it. That's nice. Nice, uh, so, oh,

0:04:54 Eli: Try not to tell that to him if you don't mind. Yeah.

0:04:55 Thomas: God,

0:04:55 Tom: All right I'm glad you hey son, I'm glad you had a birthday on a day I care about, like tax day, you know, not a day I would have to care about because it was yours.

0:04:59 Eli: Yeah.

0:04:59 Thomas: I, sometime after one of the kids, it might have been the second or third one, I'm not sure, uh I got to too many dates, too many, I had all the, believe me, I had the dates, I swear, I got all the dates I had, you wedding anniversary, anniversary, our fucking Lydia's birthday, my birthday for that matter. Uh, end of list.

0:05:11 Tom: Just like Arlo, too many dates.

0:05:12 Eli: I don't believe you. 100% do.

0:05:23 Eli: Of list.

0:05:24 Tom: Lydia you could cut this out, you could cut this, this does not have to be in the divorce filing it's fine

0:05:25 Thomas: Yeah. Uh Phoebe'S birthday. And now I still know all the dates. It just takes me an extra second of computing power. Cause I gotta be like, all right, uh, 30 has a September, and I don't know, whatever. I have to go through some, like, fucking, you just to get to like, alright, this was this. And this was the funniest thing, was I was all, okay, when Remy was, was born, it was 12 fucking okay, I don't remember which day, I was afraid, I was excited for it to be 12 23 20, fuck, 22, 12 22 22 Uh, I donno, it was one day because I was like, I will be excited, here's

0:05:29 Tom: Oh, Okay, yeah, I get that, yeah.

0:05:53 Eli: Woof.

0:06:02 Tom: We're pretty sure he was born, that's what, what we know, we're pretty sure Harold was born

0:06:05 Eli: Phoebe, will you cut this clip for like dad's funeral? Just put it so that Remy doesn't have to feel so sad.

0:06:08 Thomas: Yep. Please, I was, was like, if he's born on 12 22 22 I will always remember it, that'll, that be so easy. And then I was like, I'm such an idiot, his birthday is right before Christmas, I'm always gonna remember it. And then what happened was it went down in my mind as right before Christmas, so what the fuck day is that, is that the 21st, is that 22nd, is that the 23rd, is it the 24th? I don't know.

0:06:34 Tom: Why? You should have taken my suggestion way back and you should have changed his birthday to a better day, a more easy to remember day, yeah, just he won't know, he won't know until, like, one day he's old enough, you give him his social security card and his other, you know, his birth certificate and he's like, what the fuck, yes.

0:06:37 Thomas: Yeah, Fully agree. I can't and I'm

0:06:38 Eli: Changed his birthday. Yeah, when he gets his driver's license, it's a fun surprise. You get to be like, hey, just so you know, daddy's got a little surprise for you today. We're going to go get your learner's permit, and I'm here to tell you that's not your real birthday.

0:07:03 Thomas: Not your real dad.

0:07:04 Eli: And I'm not your Real Dad. Look behind you. You see that podcaster sitting in the corner? That's right. That's your Real dad.

0:07:04 Thomas: No, so yeah, Arlo's birthday, and um, gotta tell you, you theme, but you know, know when you're just barely, just barely getting by and then there's one extra thing, Tom. You know what I'm talking about, Eli, you don't know what the fuck I'm thinking about.

0:07:23 Tom: Yes. Yeah. Yeah, Lazy.

0:07:23 Eli: Mm-hmm.

0:07:26 Thomas: Tom, you know, when, like, you've got, yeah.

0:07:27 Tom: Old. Eli.

0:07:28 Thomas: Nah.

0:07:26 Eli: That's Me, me to.

0:07:30 Thomas: He's not lazy, he just somehow does everything.

0:07:30 Tom: No. I don't.

0:07:32 Thomas: I don't know.

0:07:32 Tom: Yeah.

0:07:32 Eli: Be fair, you guys are going through some kind of afterlife torture, I'm just, normal stress, like there I think, if I talked to humans, they'd be like, "Oh, that sounds tough, slugger." But Tom's like, today everything was on fire and I'm like, well, I guess everything, everything wasn't on fire.

0:07:50 Tom: God.

0:07:34 Thomas: Normal. Busy. Yeah. Yeah. Well, So wait, you don't have to move the boulder all the way up the hill every day? And then, god, I know, thank you, Tom.

0:07:55 Tom: Thing just keeps rolling down. God.

0:07:53 Eli: Yeah, Exactly. I'm Sisyphus's neighbor who's got, like, bad basement flooding and he's like, "Oh man, oh, you're getting eaten by the birds, I'll let the birds finish and then I'll tell you, oh, you've got to start right away again, you don't get a little break when the birds are done?"

0:07:57 Tom: Damn. Thing.

0:07:57 Thomas: Thank you. Oh, God, oh, that's so good. So the birthday, um, of course, took the helm and she did an amazing job, and here's what I want to talk about with the birthday. This isn't just a long, uh, Thomas story for nothing. I want to ask you guys, do you have the problem, or slash, do you have a problem yet? I don't, know know, Eli, of everybody in the fucking, either the school or the peer group, whatever it is, everyone's got to throw a bigger and better birthday for their little child, their little, their little angel, which I agree with, but it's all got, and it gets more and more elaborate and there's more and more people are hiring fucking catering, they're doing all this shit

0:08:13 Tom: Jesus Christ.

0:08:46 Thomas: For some kid's fourth or fifth birthday. Yeah, and it's awesome, but then here's the problem, if that was just like, "Oh, we're going, going to this fun event called someone's birthday that's going to be catered and have all this stuff," that would be great, but it's actually my son's friend's birthday party at school, and so now he thinks that's what a fucking birthday party is, he thinks you have to hire the president, and there's, you know, like, fucking an orchestra and there is a spaceship.

0:09:09 Tom: Yeah, man.

0:09:13 Thomas: Yeah.

0:09:12 Eli: Joe Biden's Gonna be there, yeah.

0:09:13 Thomas: Exactly, like, hey man, that's like a, not cool thing to do, just as a community member, I think, is my firm stance, because it's like, look, look, here's the other thing. It's so pointless because they're four or five or six, you know, Arlo's five, but like, it's been the last, the reason I say that is not because I don't remember his age, because it's the last, like, two, three years of this, because ever since being at that school, there've been a select group of parents who, bless their hearts, have to put on the most elaborate fucking song and dance million dollar birthdays. There's one, I swear to God, this dad made his house into a water park, he had like two to three giant, it's not just bounce houses now, it's they have water bounce houses, so they have bounce houses that are like water incorporated into them, yeah, so it's like splashy things, it's really cool, Tom.

0:09:50 Eli: Yeah, that's awesome exactly

0:09:57 Tom: Uh, what? Okay. I need to make friends with this kid. I'm gonna, and his name, and his dad's phone number, this is fucking amazing, I'm gonna turn 47 and I, I know what I'm doing, yeah. Shut.

0:10:04 Eli: Yeah,

0:10:09 Thomas: Yeah, you see Tom in there with a little birthday hat, like, as one of the kid guests, like, no, I'm I'm, I'm one of the, I'm not one of the adults.

0:10:10 Eli: Yeah. We met riding bikes.

0:10:17 Tom: Up, I deserve.

0:10:21 Thomas: We're part of the little lads club. And so, that wasn't all though. He also had, he had literally, yeah, catering, I guess you would call it. He had like a food truck do the food, and it was like this, like, ass food truck that made tacos and stuff. Yeah, yeah, and I was like this, oh, by the way, this was the party at which the dad hit his kid in front of me, I think, I, I think we talked about that, and I didn't get to talk about all the other stuff.

0:10:22 Tom: Friends too, this is outstanding. Yeah,

0:10:47 Eli: I would have been so distracted by the tacos, I would've let it go.

0:10:50 Tom: I, I don't know, like, I care a lot about kids, but like, if there's a taco truck and a bounce house full of water or whatever the fuck's going on

0:10:55 Eli: Just a slap in the background. Have you had the beeria though? They dip them. No, cause it's not real beeria unless you can dip them and they have the dippable sauce. It's good. That guy's beating the shit out of his kid, but I don't know. Hey,

0:11:11 Tom: Can

0:11:11 Thomas: Oh no, oh, it was so good, that it was even, I think they might have had fake meat tacos, or they had some option for us which was like, all right this, this is too good. This is too good of a party.

0:11:20 Eli: I was already one I was already one. I'm already moving into your neighborhood

0:11:22 Thomas: Yeah. But we are not doing that. Lydia has gone above and beyond a few times and done big stuff and all is look, I'm certainly down to, especially in normal years, put on a bit of a birthday party. But Lydia and I have had a bit of a conflict because she takes on a little bit of time to a bit too much with it to the point where it's stuff that like, honestly, the kid's not even going to notice.

0:11:46 Tom: Yeah.

0:11:46 Thomas: She really gets into the details. She wants to do stuff and she just stresses the fuck out. And And I'm, look, this year it's and it's absolutely like been on her because of what's going on with me. But in previous years, I do help.

0:11:46 Tom: Man.

0:11:58 Eli: Wow what's going on? Do you have something going on this year? You have fun? It's exciting Back problems man

0:11:59 Thomas: Yeah, just my back hurts a little. Yeah.

0:11:59 Tom: Is There Oh, that'll do it, yeah, that'll do it.

0:12:03 Eli: Yeah okay

0:12:03 Thomas: And so in past, I've, you know, definitely taken on my set, of set of jobs. But it'll always, with Lydia, there's always another thing. There's always, she wants to, you know, she has to keep up with the other parents. Don't blame her at all. And she wants to make it special. And they have been very special. Like she pulled off a number of really cool ones, but I think this year I finally, you yeah, I finally got to Lydia enough.

0:12:23 Eli: Defeated her. Broke her Finally got her to give up on her kids

0:12:29 Thomas: Well, no, to, to choose her own mental health for once and not try to take on the, we're not going to compete with that. Sorry. I'm not going.

0:12:31 Eli: Oh What's, Thomas, is her mental health gonna take care of her in her old age? I don't think so. And now neither is Arlo because she fucking slacked. I mean, oh, what's that, mom? You need a place to live? Why don't you go to this park that I had my birthday in and you could gather some acorns like me and my friends did on my big day.

0:13:00 Thomas: Oh my God. I can't wait to get to the punchline of that.

0:13:02 Tom: But, Like, I'm, here's the thing. Like, it's super fucking easy to make happy. Like, it's really fucking easy to make a five-year-old kid happy and the kids are not comparative yet at that age they are not like at five they're not like, I don't know, man, Sally had a fucking bounce thing with a fucking hoopla racket or whatever, they, they're not like that yet at that age it's

0:13:10 Thomas: Yeah. It's a good point I will amend that to say they are a little bit but it doesn't linger like, like in the moment they, they make some observations know

0:13:28 Tom: Right

0:13:30 Eli: They're foolable, right? They're comparative, but could they be like, well, Sally had a pony and you'd be like yeah, but we have red paper streamers and they're like, oh fuck, you're right. Sally didn't have red paper streamers.

0:13:31 Thomas: Yeah yeah yeah that's true, that's uh, true yeah

0:13:37 Tom: Yeah seriously though You could be like, yeah, but we had a fucking cake of your very favorite flavor that you got to pick and they'll be like, like, fuck yeah, my own cake, you know, like, they're, it's so easy, all that shit is for the other grown -ups, man,

0:13:50 Thomas: Exactly

0:13:49 Eli: Right. And here's the thing. I Here's, think it's for the other grownups and we could talk about the keeping up with the Joneses part of it, which I think is important because you do have to win that contest because it is about who loves their kid the most. But I think it's also this. It's also you get like four, maybe six years where you make their party and then a lame ass kid makes their party. And I don't know if you've ever had a seven -year -old tell you what they want for their birthday, but it's lame.

0:14:03 Tom: Wait,

0:14:23 Thomas: Yeah, yeah.

0:14:24 Eli: They're like, I want Susie and Squeaky and Skimmy and Blabba to come over and we're all going to have macaroni and cheese and then we're All going to wear a different hat. And you're like that fucking sucks. I want to hire a clown.

0:14:18 Tom: What, but

0:14:24 Thomas: Oh. Man. Man.

0:14:37 Eli: Joe Biden should be there.

0:14:37 Tom: Yeah, but but dude, that's, that, that is exactly what I was saying, though, is, like you, when you ask them what they want, they, they are not, like, yeah, in my mind, I want the fucking pony with wings on it.

0:14:42 Thomas: Yeah. Usually pick whatever the last party they had is almost every time. You're like, but you just did that. Like that's someone else. They'll be like, we're going to Chuck E. Cheese. Is it because we just went to Chuck E. Cheese for what's her name's thing? Yes.

0:14:47 Tom: Right. Right.

0:15:00 Tom: So easy. It's

0:15:01 Eli: So sorry to interrupt the record, guys. Thomas has just sent us a picture of this cake, and I actually need to call Child Protective Services, um.

0:15:07 Thomas: Yeah, I was wondering how much Eli was going to make fun of me for my spooky cake. So that for later. Worked very hard on that, I'll have you know.

0:15:11 Tom: I

0:15:10 Eli: Okay. I just I want everyone to, hey podcast listener, if you could dial 9 and 1 and then later in the Podcast, I'll tell you when to hit send because unless, unless I'm about to hear a heartwarming tale of Arlo requesting that Shrek take a shit, I'm calling the police.

0:15:22 Thomas: Just have it ready.

0:15:40 Tom: I think, maybe, I think maybe they were nice enough to let Arlo decorate his own cake. He clearly decorated this. He's

0:15:45 Eli: I

0:15:42 Thomas: He cake in the style of the Goosebumps lettering. So I think I kind of pulled it off. For doing it absolutely on my own goddamn imagination, with no time or sanity left, I THINK I DID A PRETTY GOOD FUCKING JOB! ELI! WHERE'S YOUR CAKE? YOU SHOW ME YOUR FUCKING CAKE THAT YOU MADE! ASSHOLE!

0:15:51 Tom: Okay.

0:16:06 Eli: There's literally an editing rig in front of the cake. Thomas, have to understand that not knowing that one needs, we'll put it on the Facebook page.

0:16:13 Thomas: I was sending it to introduce it in a minute, and I made the mistake of sending it before introducing it. And so, that on me.

0:16:16 Tom: Yeah.

0:16:15 Eli: Yeah. If I sent you a picture of my blood-spattered kitchen and then I was like, we're repainting, I'll get to it when we get into it. Oh.

0:16:29 Thomas: Me, okay, so I wasn't getting that yet, but it's foolish me, I shouldn't have done that. I just, uh, you know, I sent it before context. Um, where the fuck was I? Yeah, no, the big parties, uh, but no, we did a very sensible thing, which was a party at the park with some decorations. We asked Arlo what, what he wants. He wants a spook, he always, Harlow has the funniest answers, um.

Phoebe did too, because one year she requested a flower spook party, and We're like we don't know what yeah They come up with the the most delightful little things, it's usually some combination of like something they saw in a cartoon and a something, and so that year, again, was a year that Lydia went all out, and there was flowers, and there's Spook, and there was whatever, uh, yeah somehow She found a way, you know, it's like they give you a fucking, oh, it's like your ChatGPT and they give you a prompt, and then you try to come up with like, what is a fucking flower spook party? Okay. But that was so cute. Arlo wanted something spooky. He's been into goosebumps lately. And so he wanted a spooky goosebumps party. And he's also, Arlo's still into like scary stuff. He's just really, that's sticking, I guess. He's not scared of anything and he likes bad guys. It's kind of interesting. He'll

0:16:56 Tom: Of what the hell is a flower spook party?

0:16:57 Eli: Yes.

0:17:11 Tom: Spook. There was spook.

0:17:20 Eli: Let's

0:17:40 Tom: Okay.

0:17:40 Thomas: Probably be a serial killer. It's cool, but after this cake, apparently. That'll be the last, uh, the last straw in his sanity.

0:17:42 Eli: Go. That's less straw. Yeah.

0:17:47 Thomas: Yeah, um.

0:17:47 Eli: People.

0:17:48 Thomas: It was, uh, it was a perfectly respectable, and it had, we invited, uh, his, you know, his whole class basically, and plenty of them came, I don't know, some number, it might have been almost all of them, I don't know, it was, it, that it was the perfect number of people, it was the perfect party.

0:18:00 Eli: Were there Oh.

0:18:01 Thomas: Yeah, it, no, no, it was the perfect party, Eli, you can roast me all you want. It was a perfect party. It was, it was a fucking hour and a half maximum, hour. Perfect.

0:18:10 Tom: See.

0:18:10 Thomas: Everybody comes to the park. It's chill there. There's a playground at the park. Kids do, do not need anything more than a fucking playground. That's all they need, and there's a playground at the Park, and Lydia did do some one arts and crafts thing, which, which was the perfect amount, because in times past there have been too many things that the kids didn't do, you know, kind of thing. So Lydia put together one delightful arts and crafts thing, and that meant the kids could take home their arts and craft thing that they made. And Lydia made fantastic goodie bags for all the kids. I will say the goodie bag is a necessity, though, we've, that's gotten to the point in society, if you're someone with small children, at least in my region, that, that the goodie bag, that's

0:18:17 Eli: That's Right.

0:18:47 Tom: You got

0:18:47 Thomas: One thing you have to do.

0:18:48 Tom: To do the goodie bag. You've got to do a goodie

0:18:49 Thomas: You have to do.

0:18:49 Tom: Back. You're

0:18:49 Eli: Yeah. Can I give you a pro tip on the goodie bag? Before everyone leaves, you gather up, you're like, "Hey, everybody, just want to explain these goodie bags. We've put a magic potion emotion in each one, and each one has a five -hour energy in it, and then you just watch all the parents fucking hate you.

0:18:59 Tom: What? Yeah.

0:19:06 Eli: Mm

0:18:51 Thomas: Hmm. Yeah,

0:19:07 Tom: For the, the for timing thing, I got, I want to, I want to jump in. Like I've always liked you the, know, like go to Chuck E. Cheese or go rent out like the bounce house thing. That's like in the indoor. They've got a bunch of those out here because the party is like the timeline is defined.

0:19:18 Thomas: Because you've got a time limit. Yep. Mm-hmm. Hundred

0:19:21 Eli: -hmm.

0:19:21 Tom: I, I would be terrified to have it at a park because like the parks doesn't close until dusk, you could get stuck there forever, like you have to like release badgers or some shit at a certain time

0:19:21 Eli: Oh, yeah.

0:19:21 Thomas: Million percent. Well, fortunately, you're totally right, Tom. But Lydia, again, is a genius. And you reserve the part of the park for two hours. So, I was like, "Oh, we only have this spot for two hours. Perfect, amazing," yeah,

0:19:32 Tom: Oh,

0:19:38 Eli: Oh. Brilliant.

0:19:39 Tom: That's good, that's "leave, get out of the play, they're closing the playground now," they're releasing wolves at four o'clock, the wolves come out.

0:19:46 Thomas: Yeah,

0:19:45 Eli: Yeah. If to a Chuck E. Cheese, one, they reuse the pizza slices, but that's fine. Who fucking cares? But also, they run a tight ship at Chuck E.' Cheese. You go to Chuck E.- Cheese because they will bodily, yeah, Yeah, they'll bounce your child through the window like the fucking opening scene of Roadhouse.

0:19:55 Thomas: Oh, they do well, that mouse is a Nazi, people don't know that, yeah, that yeah,

0:19:56 Tom: Yep, that Chuck E. Cheese for little kids is fucking outstanding though, it's kid Vegas, like, they walk in and it is kid Vegas, I think they pump oxygen in, they, there's no windows, windows anywhere, just like in fucking, yeah, there's no clocks, no windows.

0:20:09 Thomas: Oh, God, you're right, uh,

0:20:14 Eli: No clocks. Yeah. Another kid with an oxygen tank is just playing that same thing over and over again.

0:20:21 Tom: Some, some kid was slack jawed, staring into the middle distance, playing ski ball. He's been there since fucking they opened up six weeks ago.

0:20:22 Thomas: So True. Can,

0:20:29 Eli: A lot of those kids are undercover cops.

0:20:31 Thomas: One of the kids' friends had a Chuck E. Cheese party. I have never been to Chuck E. Cheese and I didn't, I don't remember when the fuck this was, I might have been gone or something, but Lydia did it. And so the kids come back and they're like, we went to this place, data this place, they were trying to tell me like they had seen where the Holy Grail was, You know, or They, they're Like where all the gold is and the fucking whatever that myth is. As well, they're, you don't understand this, oh my god, this place, there was pizza, there was games, and I'm like, that's awesome, I know what a Chuckie Cheese is. And then I told him, I've never been to a Chuck E. Cheese. And they're like, what?

0:20:47 Eli: Right. Yeah, exactly.

0:21:01 Tom: What the fuck are you talking about?

0:21:02 Thomas: Never been.

0:21:02 Tom: You've never been to a Chuck E. Cheese. What about a showbiz pizza?

0:21:04 Thomas: Never been, never.

0:21:05 Tom: Is that just a Midwestern Thing? I

0:21:05 Eli: What about Thomas's childhood? Tom, I feel crazy. What about Tom's childhood makes you think that a Chuck E. Cheese came into the narrative? Him bury the dog where the dog used to be one

0:21:07 Thomas: Yeah.

0:21:16 Tom: Been to chucky cheese yeah

0:21:17 Thomas: I I couldn't tell you where the first, Chuck E Cheese was to us. There no,

0:21:21 Tom: That's right there was probably not anyone in the cave or whatever by your house

0:21:23 Eli: Didn't have a chuck they had like a Charles Eve fromage right but it was under the mall and someone got meth to death there

0:21:28 Thomas: No, he had nothing like that. Well, first off, I don't think Chuck E. Cheese, he started in Argentina being an old ex-Nazi, and I think he had to move out from there. No, we had nothing. It was a country. We had nothing there. Most fun thing I got to do. And again, not because it was my party, obviously, was I think I got to go ice skating once, and that was like an hour drive, you know, like to go to the nearest fucking place that had things.

0:21:31 Eli: Yes exactly

0:21:49 Tom: Thomas How far were you from like a hospital like I mean how far was angels camp

0:21:54 Thomas: A hospital 15 minutes from the shitty one, 30 minutes from one if you want to survive. I'm not even joking. The one, the, no,

0:22:00 Eli: Right but to be fair it was Angels Camp so you did not want to survive right that was an that bad

0:22:06 Thomas: Yeah, Angel, the

0:22:05 Tom: Survive yeah everybody's oh take me to the bad one yeah

0:22:07 Thomas: 15,

0:22:08 Eli: One's what we call a hoss-portunity

0:22:12 Thomas: Even joking. The 15 minute one was the one we took our dad to the first time that something, I say we actually was, it was, uh, I was in college. So my mom and my sister did, uh. And, uh., they, you know, they nearly killed him. And then we took him to, which is good, but we didn't know. We wanted him to live at the time. So, uh,, then we take him to the, to the one that was a half hour away that was like a real hospital. And they were like, oh no, they completely misdiagnosed what this was. The other hospital literally sent him home being like, well, he probably just has seizures now. So just, you know, keep an eye out for

0:22:27 Tom: At time we didn't know best yet jesus fucking

0:22:44 Thomas: Seizures.

0:22:45 Eli: Like he sucks sounds like this one's busted get

0:22:46 Thomas: Yeah. This

0:22:45 Tom: Hell what I just keep an eye out and

0:22:49 Thomas: This is a totally different story, but legitimately they're like, guess he has seizures. Now. And then, you know, we took him home and he was, he was like more or less. All right. And he had had had a stroke of course at this time this is 2007 or whatever and uh we took him home and then at um some point we awoke to him having non-stop seizures and we're like this is not what they said was gonna happen and then uh the other hospital the real one they were like yeah he's he's got diabetic fucking what's something like he's it's where like you're you've neglected your diabetes so much you're dying kind of thing like yeah and so like that was what it was so that's the answer to your question about hospitals. Sorry. A little tangent.

0:23:22 Eli: Him yeah

0:23:29 Tom: The Chuck E. Cheese there was no Chuck E. Cheese I mean wow

0:23:31 Thomas: I've never had heard of a Chuck E. Cheese until...

0:23:32 Eli: Think joy that needs to go into Chuck E. Cheese and then think about Angels Camp California it's just gonna be an abandoned building who's gonna work there

0:23:42 Tom: I I don't even know why I brought it up actually I now I feel stupid that's true I do I feel stupid. I do.

0:23:47 Eli: You should feel listening okay

0:23:48 Thomas: We had a lot of, I'll tell you, we had a lot of birthday parties at the pizza place. There was a place that was actually really good and it had, you know, a couple of arcade games and that was like my Chuck E. Cheese. It was like, oh my god, we've got a few arcade games here.

0:24:03 Eli: Guys want to hear a fucking insane thing about my childhood pizza place and this is look I know sometimes old ebos rolls out a tidbit and people say Eli you're just telling stories but I swear to god this is true and if anyone is from Binghamton New York and around my age who could verify that this is truth Mario's pizza I would really appreciate it because I'm living my truth and I'm being vulnerable the pizza place in my hometown was called Mario's pizza it was delicious it was great the guy would dress up as Mario you know Mario from the cartoons and that was what he would do for parties if you had your party there he would come out dressed as marIO this mario suit he must have made it or something but it had a big like pillow for the belly because I guess mario was fat and at some point I don't remember when yeah no he wasn't at some point I don't remember when someone was like hey can we punch mario in the stomach and the guy was like absolutely I'm wearing a fucking pillow like I'm covered in shit go crazy so a from age like seven to ten the activity that you did

0:24:33 Thomas: Uh -huh.

0:24:48 Thomas: Was he, though?

0:24:50 Tom: Oh What?

0:25:09 Eli: If you had your party at mario's pizza is there was party there was soda there was cake and then And everyone lined up to punch Mario in the stomach as hard as they can.

0:25:19 Tom: Wait, are

0:25:23 Thomas: That is so believable, actually.

0:25:24 Tom: They still open? It's It's been been a rough couple of years like I could I

0:25:25 Thomas: Yeah. Did the adults

0:25:25 Eli: I don't know. I do not know.

0:25:27 Thomas: Get into it? You know what I mean?

0:25:27 Eli: Yeah. You can get a little rougher with Mario these days. I want you to lock me and Mario in freezing walk-in freezer.

0:25:35 Thomas: Weirdly, that is so believable. I'm like, can I take Mario to the car wash?

0:25:47 Thomas: Mario, I'm training for a car wash fight, um, would you mind?

0:25:49 Tom: There's been a lot of stress the last couple years, that's all I'm saying, like, I can have, you know.

0:25:50 Eli: He was Tom's coach. He's standing behind him in the corner. You got these! You got this! Remember what you learned at all of those birthday parties!

0:25:59 Thomas: You got the cut to me? No, I don't know.

0:26:05 Thomas: Oh, that's weirdly believable, though. I don't know if you've had experience, experience as a parent, though, when you do something kind of random like that and then and your kids, again, they're blank slates. They're like, "Oh, can we just do this all the time forever?" And you're like no, that was some random weird thing we did one time. Nope, let's punch Mario in the stomach every single birthday party.

0:26:16 Eli: Yep, that's what I want now. Every single time. Oh,

0:26:24 Thomas: So yeah, it was fantastic. It was the best birthday party, Lydia was amazing. It was perfect length of time. I wasn't going to home make a cake, but then I ended up like just being like, well, I am going to because here's the thing, first, first year that I can make Arlo a cake using eggs, because in the past I've had to make him egg substitute cakes and those are difficult, I've did it, but they're, you know, they don't, they're not, eggs are really good for baking, they're really uh really hard to place, and so I made him a cake and I decorated it so beautifully and no, I'm going to send you the picture and you're just going to be amazed, I'm gonna send it here, I'll send it right now, let Me just uh here,

0:26:59 Tom: Oh, Eli, faint surprise. Faint surprise. What?

0:27:02 Thomas: Send You. I, I handed.

0:27:02 Eli: Look, look at this! Well, now that I know that this is a Goosebumps cake, how delightful! It's got bright green frosting.

0:27:07 Tom: How Crafted. Drafted.

0:27:10 Eli: Yes, and it's all the - oh, the font is drippy and scary, just like Goosebumps! Sure am glad I know the context of this, and I don't think that it's some kind of death threat you wrote to your son.

0:27:15 Tom: Spooky, spooky.

0:27:24 Eli: For were I expecting a conventional cake, I would worry for his health and safety.

0:27:24 Tom: I love

0:27:24 Thomas: Oh man. But here's the thing. As much as this was in my opinion, opinion, the definitional perfect birthday party. Mainly, again, it was short. That was the main thing. It was great. That's the number one. It Was short. It's the number one thing as a parent.

0:27:43 Tom: How that's, that's the barometer for parents. It's like, when will this be over? I can't wait to see the joy in their eyes. And it just, I just want it it just needs to be done.

0:27:46 Eli: Yeah.

0:27:52 Thomas: And well, kids need it to be too. They get tired, but they don't want to admit they're tired or they don't understand being tired. So they get really shitty and you're like, Hey, you need a nap. They're like, no, no. And You're like, Jesus, I think maybe you need to nap. Yeah.

0:27:57 Tom: That's true.

0:28:02 Eli: Yeah. You need a nap or do you suck? One of those things. I know what I think.

0:28:07 Thomas: Or Are you Possessed By a demon, like It could be that, um, I apparently, and I only just learned this, uh, uh, Lydia, I was Still, yeah.

0:28:11 Eli: Right. Arlo's my son.

0:28:17 Thomas: I was, I was finishing up the icing on the shit cake apparently that Eli hates And

0:28:22 Eli: It's a Goosebumps Cake. I want you all to sympathize with me. I was shown a Goosebumps themed thing And I was Not told it was Goosebumps Themed

0:28:23 Thomas: No Totally Reasonable Totally Reasonable and So Lydia took Arlo to the park, and Arlo went to the park, and she's like, "Hey, it's, you know, here's your birthday." And Arlo said, "There's no birthday party there." And she's, like, yeah, no, it is. It's your birthday. He's like, where's the birthday party? Don't know. It's so bad. Because Arlo is, again, a little, little neuro spice. He often has an expectation of, like. This is precisely what a birthday party looks like kind of thing. And I don't know what that thing is. But There he. Was something missing. There must have been some typical decoration that he's associated or big balloons or some shit. I don't know. Or a Mario you can punch in the stomach.

0:28:41 Eli: Right Right.

0:28:43 Tom: It's like, no.

0:28:59 Tom: Right.

0:29:08 Tom: Well, and delightfully, he's totally unable to communicate that to you, which is amazing.

0:29:13 Thomas: Yep.

0:29:14 Eli: Yeah, no. That's uh, that's the fun part.

0:29:15 Tom: Yeah. He can only tell you what he doesn't see. Yeah.

0:29:15 Eli: Yeah.

0:29:18 Thomas: He he's able to be perfectly insulting in the most nonchalant way. It's the best. It's so funny. He the other day at daycare where he just told one of the workers, like, you're old.

0:29:22 Tom: Gotta

0:29:30 Thomas: It's like, that's awesome, buddy, buddy, yeah, no, apparently he didn't, there was something missing, but it's, it wasn't a tragedy. He's, he's a good kid. Lydia was like, no here it is. Here's your friends. Here'S whatever. And it was totally fine. He had a great time. He Had everything he wanted. He HAD the presents. We loaded them perfectly into the wagon, took them home, didn't open them there. Best decision we've ever made. And it Was all perfect. I did want to add one little detail, which I think is so funny because today's his actual birthday. And we like to do like, you know, an additional dinner, you know, sometimes an additional little, we actually still haven't given them the rest of the present, so uh, Lydia has asked him what he wants of course for his uh, here's dinner, and he keeps saying, she's tried several times to to get, get an answer that makes sense, and she, he just keeps saying, "I want a grown-up plate," and we're like, what? Yeah.

0:29:29 Tom: Open him there what

0:30:15 Thomas: She's like, you want a grow -up play could

0:30:17 Tom: He's just been hungry for a long time. This is the only way he's known to tell you, I you guys been underfeeding this kid for. He's just like, for my birthday, can I have normal portions? Can I just eat enough food? I just want a full belly for my, please sir, can I have some more, for my birthday, everybody.

0:30:19 Eli: Yeah.

0:30:30 Tom: Everybody.

0:30:29 Thomas: Be I think that could be it, but he, he did, he stuck to it, you know, because so a lot of times when he says something nonsense, we kind of, you know, wait 24 hours. He's like an eight ball. You know, we shake him a little bit and then ask him again. So she asked him this morning and he said, grownup plate. And we're like, and? He said, he's the only one who can have a grownup. So we might do it. I don't know. Like we might have to eat with the kids plates and have him have the big ass plate. And then she's like, yeah, okay, but what do you want? Like what food do you wants? And he apparently said, cantaloupe, oranges, pepperoni pizza, broccoli, and carrots. And I'm like, fuck, sure, man. That's, what

0:30:40 Eli: Right yeah you just wait, yeah yeah

0:30:41 Tom: Else

0:30:49 Eli: Hell.

0:30:49 Tom: Has to eat the kids menu

0:30:57 Eli: Yeah there you go yeah it sounds great, sounds

0:31:11 Thomas: The hell? Where did that come from? I don't know where he got cantaloup. It must be at school. We never have that. But like, they just form these specific ideas. And so that's what we'll be having for dinner, everybody. Probably from a kid plate, I'll be eating some pizza and various fruits and broccoli or something, whatever he said.

0:31:26 Tom: All right So I got to circle back to the presence because I have a separate presence question. When the kids get like a giant massive presence and they can't possibly remember, like, obviously like they remember all the ones that excite them the most, they get those and they let them play with them or whatever. But, but, like, do you guys ever take the presents that they're just not that excited about and don't open them and squirrel them away and re-gift them to other kids for other birthdays?

0:31:27 Eli: They

0:31:49 Thomas: No, that's a great idea. But no, I don't do that. Oh my

0:31:51 Eli: Take

0:31:51 Tom: Yeah. We have had in the basement, like just what we think of as like emergency presents for when you're like, shit, we got invited to something we forgot. It's like tomorrow at three. We're not going to have time to go. Just go down to the basement. See what you got in the shit. The kids didn't want pile.

0:32:04 Thomas: God

0:32:06 Eli: It out, it's a, like, really nice gift that one of the kids should have checked inside

0:32:13 Tom: Pile, like that, you know, how like the kids get, like, know, you 25 fucking presents and they're just excited about like the top five or six of them and you know which ones they're not super jazzed about, so you're just like, all right, well, that's just gonna go in the maybe some other kid pile.

0:32:26 Thomas: This is such a Tom thing. This is fantastic. You've min maxed it, you've Yeah.

0:32:26 Tom: Yeah they don't care about it, yeah.

0:32:29 Eli: No, it would be a full Tom thing if he, like, announced at the party, which ones he was, "All right, the four that I have decided will remain," and new blog is called "Gifts Will Hold You from the Aeternum," and it's I'm gonna, I bought this wood chipper, I know you've all been looking at it the whole party, I'm going to feed 24 of the 30 presents into it, everybody.

0:32:38 Tom: Okay.

0:32:55 Tom: You know that would be the party everybody would would want if we had a wood chipper. Party

0:32:58 Eli: Would remember wood chiper party everyone would remember punch Mario and then at the end you throw Mario into the wood chkeeper, but he's just grateful he's grateful because his, his existence is pain, we

0:32:59 Thomas: Yep punch Mario on the stomach and witness a wood chipper

0:32:59 Tom: Oh yeah nobody is telling me, like, if I got invited to a bring things to throw into a woodchipper party that would be the greatest party, you could actually, now, that's what, that's, that's it, I

0:33:18 Eli: Should throw Tom

0:33:11 Thomas: God yeah all right let's throw one for Tom, yeah

0:33:19 Eli: Uh Tom doesn't tell anyone when his birthday is, he just, like, casually mentions it three days later in the, the saddest short story possible, but if we ever get a heads up, we should go to Illinois, rent a wood chipper for a hundred dollars, and just show up to his house, branches

0:33:33 Thomas: What

0:33:35 Tom: Just like yeah all right let's do it, let's, let's throw random shit into a wood chipper.

0:33:35 Thomas: Are we gonna put in it, branches yeah yeah

0:33:37 Eli: Branches one of the kids he doesn't like works out great

0:33:39 Thomas: Yeah. Yeah. So have you guys had that experience of the keeping up with the Joneses? Cause it's, it's really frustrating. Cause it, it like, jokes aside, it is frustrating when you want to go do something for your kid, and God forbid, if you, you know, we're like me as a kid and your parents didn't have any fucking money, or slash, we're super cheap, it's, you have any pro-social responsibility to not throw your kid the greatest birthday party of all fucking great, Great Gatsby birthday parties every time.

0:33:44 Eli: No No, Do it, do it all. So I've had both experiences. Now that Max is in public school, right, we were in private school, which meant that we were a selected group with forms of community, and so we went to the nice birthdays and we knew everybody and everybody got invited. And now we go to baby jail where, um, if you make eye contact with the other parents too long outside of the school, they actually shoot you. They shoot you from sniper towers up in school. It's a nice service they offer. So there's no community. There's no birthday parties. There're no birthdays. I think, uh, just a sad crossing guard dressed as a snowman on December 23rd who says, "Happy winter, everybody," while your kids just gray-facedly lower themselves into the graves they spend all year digging, um, just a public school, it's public school, there's no anything.

0:34:33 Thomas: Wow.

0:34:50 Thomas: I mean, what even is this? Why is it so bad? Jail.

0:35:03 Tom: Yeah.

0:35:04 Eli: There's, here's the thing, right? School is exactly what you can get when everyone chips in together, right, the people, right, that's the things, everyone's like, let's all do this together, and then Nick, who's like, lizards are taking over the world, and you're like, oh shit, when we said together we also met Nick, god damn it, so Nick is also there, so we have never been to a birthday party at my son's new school, we, we've have gotten invited to one, it's in May, the invitation has been fluttering on our fucking table for the last seven months, right, it's the one invitation, Max's birthday is next month, I assume we're gonna invite all these fucking strangers, somewhere, and never met another parent in Max's class, not one fucking person, we drop our kids off at jail together, right, we all stand in the jail line, do not move from the jail line, yeah, when the doors open, you may relinquish your child to child jail, do not make hard eye contact with the child during child jail.

0:35:50 Thomas: Wow. A jail. And searched.

0:36:05 Tom: Did you go to public

0:36:06 Eli: I went to public school, yeah, and it fucking sucked, I sure did, do you know what I liked about public school, and it's really, I remember because my parents would talk about it all the time, I liked hot lunches. People would be like, what's your favorite part? And I'd be like, like the lunch, it was when they gave me a snack, that was the enjoyable part of my education until high school right.

0:36:06 Tom: School, Eli? I didn't hate public school at all.

0:36:27 Thomas: It's say, too. Yeah.

0:36:30 Eli: Exactly, hot meal and a flat, I bet if they had given me a cot I would have been excited about that too, they fucking, hot meals were my favorite part of school until high school, when I was allowed into the drama club, until high school when you asked me, what, what was your favorite part of learning and growing from ages three to fucking 14? I'd have been like, sometimes they let us eat, because

0:36:43 Thomas: Yeah yeah, sorry What's the alternative yeah it's

0:36:57 Tom: Well, what do you expect, though, out of school? Like, I don't know. Like, what Like, is it that much different at the at the private school? Like what? Why? I don't understand what's different.

0:37:07 Eli: It's a community. It's a chosen community.

0:37:08 Tom: Is it just better for you as the parent?

0:37:10 Eli: It's way better for me as the parent. It's not as good for him as a kid. That's why we moved, right? They weren't making him learn anything. They were like, hey, he seems a little bothered when we keep trying to make him learn stuff. So we put him in the corner over there.

0:37:13 Tom: Right. Yeah. Right. I was going to say, like, Finn went to the Montessori school. And I will say, great sense of community. But he got out of sixth or seventh or eighth grade. Whenever we got him out of there, I don't remember anymore. More But like when he left Montessori, like, he needed to do an enormous amount of catch up work to catch up to the other kids for Like Years For

0:37:38 Thomas: Weird, this is literally Opposite Of what I would have thought, I don't understand

0:37:41 Tom: Years

0:37:41 Eli: Yeah, you would think private schools are like amazing at teaching But in in The in The ones I have worked at and the ones that I have been to, and I did go to a private school, right? I went to a private school when I was a little kid, and then my dad went out of business, and he was like, oh, it's Public school time. But like, I, I experienced that. Yeah, private schools are largely, at least at the age that I was and I don't know, maybe private schools are amazing at older ages, I'm not insulting any private schools out there but me, it was that they don't make you do stuff that the regular schools make you do, right? I remember the one I went to, and I don't know if it was Montresor or whatever, but it was called the Susquehanna School. Ooh, like the river. And I would remember, I'd be like, oh, we play this game, and then we look for leaves, and they were like, can you read? And I was like, who cares?

0:37:45 Tom: No They're Terrible

0:37:54 Thomas: Yeah

0:38:26 Tom: Laughing

0:38:26 Eli: We play this. We play the game, we read. And Then I got to normal school, and they controlled your life with bells, with loud alarms, you know The thing we do to signify there's a fire, that's What we do the children for their Whole education for 18 years. We're like, bam, bam, bam On to the next Punishment Child

0:38:29 Tom: Laughing

0:38:36 Thomas: Yeah What Are

0:38:45 Tom: Laughing It's Not That big a deal. Laughing

0:38:49 Eli: What, cause teachers can't see clocks, what the fuck possible reason, besides living in a post apocalyptic hellscape, could There Be

0:38:59 Thomas: You talking About have You hold on, do you not have the experience of - well, okay, yeah, you have one kid, but if I want to get my kids attention, Tom, back me up on this, but I want to get my attention. Here's how it goes. Hey, Phoebe, Phoebe. Phoebe! Phoebe!! And then she'll go, what? And I'll be like, why didn't you answer the first... I start, I've said this before, the first 18 times I'm the nicest dad that there's ever been.

0:39:08 Tom: Yeah Laughing Laughing Laughing

0:39:21 Eli: Right

0:39:28 Thomas: I have come a long way as a human. I can give you the nicest hello, like Phoebe trying to to get your attention for six times. Hey, Phoebe. Hey Phoebster. Hey Phebe, Phoebe, Pheobee. Hey Phoebe, Pheebster, Phea. And then after 40 times, I lose my mind. I'm like, I can't, I'm saying your name. You're, by the way, she's 11 inches from me. This is not like she's in the outside. She's down the hall. No, she is five feet from my face, but she's watching a screen and that's That's how it goes. And

0:39:28 Eli: And They gain consciousness right as you've gone insane, so you have to instantly reset. You haveと be like, and she's like, what, and you're like, oh, wait, one second, I mean I have been, I was on an island with Wilson for my only companionship, now I've got to come back down to your level. Anyways, it's snack time. Would you like some grapes? Grapes.

0:40:10 Thomas: Yeah.

0:40:23 Tom: Well, that's the other thing, like, you're trying to get their attention to do something nice for them, right, like - like, It's not like you're try to get their attention so they can, like you tile the floor or something crazy. It's like, your trying to their attention so that, like you can do something, like fucking - just, I just want your attention so I can feed you so you don't fucking die. I just wave my hand in front of them when they're doing something like that. I'm just like, hey, wave my hand in the front of their eyes, and they look up all startled.

0:40:24 Thomas: So true. Yeah.

0:40:45 Thomas: That requires getting up, though.

0:40:48 Tom: Oh, well. Can't help you there, but yeah.

0:40:54 Eli: That sounds like the party was lovely, Thomas. It sounds like, it sounds like you nailed exactly the midpoint and

0:40:57 Thomas: It was great. It's the best.

0:41:00 Tom: So do you think for the Joneses that you've set a bar?

0:41:05 Thomas: Oh, and then the other way. Ooh, what if for the poor, oh, What,

0:41:07 Tom: Yeah, yeah. Do you think you've set a, are to be jonesing for the outdoor party now?

0:41:12 Thomas: If I just get a series of like thank yous, oh, thank, like, like anonymous letters. Dear Smith family, we didn't know?

0:41:17 Eli: Oh, everyone gets on next door and is like, this family knows to throw a party with modesty.

0:41:22 Thomas: Dear Smeth family. I never would have known my standards could, were allowed to be so low, and it is, it has freed me. It has changed my life. I don't have to feel like I have to put on the best party ever single time It.

0:41:30 Tom: Oh, God, I have never felt that. I do want to say like I have never felt that fucking pressure, though, like to maybe because I'm so disconnected from the other parents.

0:41:42 Eli: From my children.

0:41:43 Tom: Yeah. No, the kids, like I said, the kids don't care. Like I'm Like like, well, what do the kids want? Well, they want to go to Chuck E. Cheese. Bring him to ChuckE. Cheese like what do they want next year? Oh, Chuck E.' Cheese again. Yeah, we'll bring him to Chuck e. Cheese again, like basic like I say, for the most part, I think the kids are not the ones driving that thing that you're describing, Thomas. It's the parents that drive it. And for me, I've always I've never had friends within that social circle. So I don't feel any pressure at all to, like, impress people I don'T know. It's like, well,

0:41:39 Thomas: Must be nice. Yeah, Even

0:41:45 Eli: Oh, yeah.

0:42:00 Thomas: For sure, Yeah, Yeah, Oh,

0:42:11 Tom: Like what if the fucking Freedmen's are happy? Like, I don't fucking even know their names. Why do I give a shit?

0:42:16 Eli: I'm

0:42:16 Thomas: I Oh, don't know any. I know I'm all by sight, but I don, don't, don't know any of the parents of anybody who came to the party. It's fucking weird.

0:42:21 Tom: Yeah.

0:42:22 Eli: Wouldn't that be nice? Wouldn't it be nice to know what the other parents look like? Would be lovely. I'm literally going... I think I'm going to meet this party we're going to in a month. This one lone party where the guy in the skull mask is going to drop water on all of us. Is where I'm gonna meet these parents. The only thing I know about them is their kids go to school with my kid. And one of them says no to all the holidays and celebrations. That's it. So I

0:42:43 Thomas: Oh, God, So you know they're not gonna be there, Eli.

0:42:50 Eli: I gotta start it from zero. I gotta star from zero with all these people. I have no, I have to start I did it. I made friends with my kids, friends, parents, and then we lost them and now there's new, and I don't have it. I don't have it, I'm gonna, sure, who fucking cares? But you know what, I'll put a gun in my mouth the whole time and just walk around, hey guys, your printing table's over there, and if you talk to me, I'll pull the trigger, just so you know, and their cake.

0:42:54 Thomas: That's me every day. Well, You Can still invite are You still gonna invite all those friends and kids? Yeah, Yeah,

0:43:05 Tom: Yeah.

0:43:15 Thomas: No, I mean, are you gonna invite the ones you liked? Are you invite the old ones to?

0:43:21 Eli: That's So I've been worried about that because I do want to invite them because they are Max's friends and he sees them at camp, but I also like, there is a part of me that's like this is about you, man, and you gotta let that go. I

0:43:22 Thomas: Yeah,

0:43:33 Tom: No, if they're still Max's friends and he's going to see them at camp, I think it's fine for you to invite them over so they can continue that relationship. I don't think that's weird.

0:43:35 Thomas: Yeah,

0:43:40 Eli: I think, think Max is gonna be like eight or nine and turn into these kids and being like, I'm sorry. Sorry, my dad really wants to hang out with your dad still.

0:43:46 Tom: We don't have to do

0:43:47 Eli: And he keeps

0:43:47 Tom: It forever, man, but there's like a transition time.

0:43:49 Thomas: You

0:43:49 Eli: Texting the memes and they won't text him back. So I feel like we should probably. Oh, I get it. That's what I'm saying. Thomas's dad. I get It. Just locking yourself up. Chopping some wood. It's all working out. Right, gentlemen, before we go, what's a gravedigger's favorite element? Baryon.

0:44:26 Clip: Want to meet sexy DILFs in your area? Email the dads at DearOldDads.com or, better yet, send us a message on Patreon. You can follow us on all social media by checking the links in the show notes. And if you need more podcasts in your life, you can find Tom on Cognitive Dissonance, Thomas on Serious Inquiries Only, and Eli on Godawful Movies and all the Puzzle in the Thunderstorm shows. Dear Old Dads is edited and produced by my favorite DILF, Tom Smith, who also wrote and recorded the intro music, which is used with his permission. This podcast is a production of Daddy Issues LLC. Copyright 2022. All rights reserved.

0:45:05 Tom: Fuck yeah, my own cake, you