DOD123: Partners Who Roast Each Other

Transcript

This transcript was generated automatically and may contain errors — the audio is the record.

0:00:29 Tom: To Dear Old Dads, the podcast that's just fooling around. I'm Tom Curry. I am joined, as always, by Thomas Smith and Eli Bosnick. Hello, gentlemen.

0:00:37 Thomas: We're just doing some over the shirt stuff right it's fine yeah

0:00:40 Tom: That's it. That is it. We're not, you know, until we get excited, then we'll put a towel down.

0:00:44 Eli: The podcasting version of the over -the -pants handjob. Oh, man! Now I'm sad that I didn't use that for the auto ads, because God knows it's the perfect metaphor. I blew my metaphor early during the over the pants handjob of podcasting.

0:00:52 Thomas: We yeah

0:00:59 Tom: Pants. Nobody ever blows early over the pants. That's not that's That's

0:01:05 Eli: Speak for yourself, Tom. Speak for your self.

0:01:09 Tom: I I say I want to tell a quick story, speaking of that, of the one and only time I ever, ever went to a strip club. I

0:01:13 Eli: I thought you were going to say the one and only time you prematurely ejaculated. I was like, hey, actually, no, you can't. I closed the Zencaster window.

0:01:21 Thomas: Right

0:01:19 Tom: Got dragged uh years ago I got dragged at a work event to a trip club um a nightmare job fucking most wildly inappropriate job ever but they all decided we were going out they got this limo they take us to the strip club we go to the strip club where I go up in Wisconsin and like I'd never been to a strip club it's not my scene I don't like them So I'm sitting in a strip club and I have this bright idea that I'm going to smoke cigars because they stink to high heaven and they'll keep people away from me. Not understanding that like being unattractive doesn't matter in a Strip Club because they are not attracted to you. They just want your money.

0:01:56 Eli: Yeah.

0:01:56 Tom: Right. So there's literally nothing you could do. You can be covered in raw sewage as long as you have green. That's the reason they're coming. They're not coming up to you because like they're like, oh, that's a good looking guy. Right? That's not how the world works at a Strap Club.

0:01:56 Thomas: Right. Yeah.

0:02:05 Eli: Yeah. To be clear, they would prefer that you not be covered in raw sewage.

0:02:09 Tom: In raw sewage.

0:02:09 Thomas: Yeah.

0:02:10 Eli: If I could speak for our sex work brothers and sisters and...

0:02:13 Thomas: No,

0:02:10 Tom: Yes, fair enough fair enough fair enough. Yeah. But misunderstood, right? Because I'm just trying to keep people away from me. I'm like, this is not my scene, I don't like this. One of the guys that I was with, that was his scene and it

0:02:24 Eli: Mm -hmm.

0:02:23 Thomas: Of course. Yeah. He probably made the whole fucking thing happen.

0:02:26 Eli: Yeah.

0:02:26 Tom: Probably. So, it was this guy named Walt, and it was the funniest fucking thing. He's maybe 10 years older than I am, so he's like in his early 40s at the time, maybe 15 years, because I was actually in my late 20s at the times So So, well, dude, it

0:02:28 Eli: Disney. Disney. How much to steamboat my willy? I'm so sorry, Tom. I'm doing bits in the background. You just push forward, brother. You push forward. This is not your fault.

0:02:40 Thomas: Is

0:02:40 Tom: Was, so this, guy, this like it was the best thing I'd ever seen. So he gets all hot and bothered. So they're, they're coming up. It's know, they'RE grinding, theyRE doing the fucking lap dance thing and he gets all hot AND bothered. And of course the song ends before he can, he's clearly trying to climax, like with these ladies, like he's truly trying to get it, trying to getting a dance long enough that That the lap dance will push him over the edge. Right.

0:03:01 Eli: Oh no, that

0:03:08 Thomas: That what people do? I

0:03:09 Tom: I don't know, man.

0:03:09 Thomas: Don't.

0:03:11 Tom: This is the only.

0:03:10 Eli: Are not supposed to do that.

0:03:12 Tom: This is my only one and only experience. So. But the girls are not stupid. Right. So they're there to earn money. So what they're doing is getting him all worked up. And then the song ends. And, you there's kind of a back off period. So

0:03:14 Thomas: Okay. Yeah. They're like, hey, put on Buddy Holly's greatest hits.

0:03:28 Eli: Put on Hey Jude? I just really love the Beatles.

0:03:31 Thomas: No, Buddy Holly, you know, he wrote songs in like one and a half minutes that are great, the strippers are all like, we're big Buddy Holly fans, it's, you know, he really was a craftsman, but ahead of his time

0:03:40 Eli: You're walking up to the DJ, play the long version of Betty and the Jets. I'll give you a hundred dollars.

0:03:43 Thomas: Yeah I

0:03:45 Tom: Can we I am not exaggerating three times. This guy goes to the ATM for more money three fucking times. And I'm like, Walt, they're never going to let you pop my guy. Like as long as you're just at the edge and then they back off, you're going to be able to get over the edge. You're jutting money into this whole procedure today. Like they are not going let you get over edge.

0:03:53 Thomas: Hate

0:03:55 Eli: No,

0:04:04 Tom: And he was, it was, it was horrible.

0:04:04 Eli: That's, I hate it. Walt, I

0:04:07 Tom: It It was genuinely horrible,

0:04:07 Eli: Heat him so much.

0:04:04 Thomas: Everything about this Did I tell you guys That not, I don't really have a story, but I did tell you, you guys, I feel like I mentioned the strip club thing on here before, but maybe not.

0:04:11 Tom: Horrible.

0:04:18 Eli: My God. I would like, can I predict Thomas's reaction to this strip club? Which is just sitting, I'm gonna say like four to seven feet from everyone, and the strippers walk on, no, this is stupid, I don't know why I would do that, I hope you're having a good night and everything, but I'm not, I have no interest in that whatsoever.

0:04:18 Thomas: Sure, yeah,

0:04:22 Tom: Boy.

0:04:36 Eli: Absolutely not.

0:04:30 Tom: That would

0:04:36 Thomas: Pretty much, yeah that's pretty much

0:04:37 Tom: Have been me. I mean, that was, that was literally my response to it as well, yeah.

0:04:38 Thomas: Right, no yeah Tom and I think are pretty much correct, I mean I wouldn't be willing to smoke cigars over it, but I God, I used to love smoking cigars, and then the last, every time I do it now, my entire head explodes, and my, I can't even do it, I just don't even try anymore, it was a thing I'd still go, go through the motions to be like, oh yeah, we're doing, yeah, guy time, smoke cigar time, and then it got to be so bad that I'm, you reach that age, it's same with drinking somewhat, where you're just like, you know, I not gonna pretend I can do this anymore, like I just can't, so no.

0:04:46 Eli: Yeah.

0:04:46 Tom: I'll Still smoke a cigar every couple of years, like once every couple of years I'll have a cigar. And I'll be like, that's fine, yeah.

0:05:14 Thomas: Yeah. I That was where I was when I was your age, no, I'm just kidding, um, no, my, I had one, um, who for his bachelor party did a strip club, and I don't, I was like, I don't want, okay, I, nothing, there's nothing, what, what is the point of that? I don't understand, I would literally rather go like pick, if up prostitutes than do a strip, there's, what's a strip, you sit there, what is the point, there's, we have porn now, look, in the 70s, by all means, I'm sure that would have been something that maybe made sense. We have so much porn. Do people know that we have so much porn now? Like, yeah,

0:05:50 Eli: I mean, Bill Hicks did the best bit about it, right, where he's like, that's like a buddy being like, tomorrow I'm going to eat dinner, so tonight I want to watch someone else eat a better dinner. Yeah. So

0:06:00 Thomas: And I just was, it was like the end of the night. I was just like dozing off. It was so boring. I don't get it. They're not for me.

0:06:10 Tom: Is Aggressively not for me either, like, for like 10 reasons, yeah.

0:06:13 Eli: Not for me also, and that is because a lot of the time strippers and dancers have to act like they're attracted to you, right, because that's the usual clientele.

0:06:21 Thomas: Yeah, that sucks.

0:06:22 Tom: Well, of course. Yeah.

0:06:23 Eli: And honestly, like, the, so I worked, I did magic very briefly in, in a strip club.

0:06:28 Tom: What the fuck strip club has a magic act? Like.

0:06:29 Eli: Uh, So it was called, yeah, It was the worst. It was the worst prank they've ever done to their clientele. It was called Lace in Times Square. So the first time I went there, some friends brought me there in college. We were like, we're going to a strip club. And I was like, I'm going to love this. And I, like you guys, caved in on myself and became entirely self-aware and was like, how do I make this a good experience for were you and they were like, oh, my fucking right because right

0:06:32 Thomas: Someone trying to prank Eli personally, I think.

0:06:55 Thomas: Yeah. Eli starts stripping and doing a dance for them.

0:07:02 Eli: Because Think about it like a you're a dancer, right? When you're some kind of like sex work dancer, right, it is the only job where the best intentioned people try to pretend they're not at your job. Imagine if you were a waiter and you walk over and you're like, hey, everybody ready for some drinks? And everyone was like, do you want drinks, do you like drinks, no, just please let me do do my job. So I, of course, have a nervousness. And so I start doing magic because I'm cool like that. But they're enjoying it. The dancers are enjoying it, or at least they're pretending to enjoy it. So, I'm doing magic for, I don't know, three, four

0:07:02 Tom: Yeah,

0:07:13 Thomas: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

0:07:34 Thomas: I think it's the second one, man. I think It's the Second One.

0:07:37 Tom: These are actors, right? Like these are directors.

0:07:38 Eli: Yeah. Well, they're not that good an actor and I am that good a magician. So you all can just fuck yourselves. Anyways, point being, I'M DOING MAGIC FOR LIKE THREE OR FOUR MINUTES AND A VERY LARGE SECURITY GUARD comes and puts his hand on my shoulder and he's like hey you need to come with me and I'm like I'm so sorry I'll never do magic again please whatever you're thinking about breaking don't I'll break it in front of you and then we can all and he'S like

0:07:59 Thomas: Here's my cards and fake thumbs. Oh,

0:07:59 Eli: No no no yeah exactly here's my fake thumbs don't take the real ones he brings me upstairs and I meet the owner and he's like hey you're a magician do you do any stuff and I of course don't right this is when I am a I am street performing for fun and to make up for the college loans I no longer have so I am in no way a a professional, right? I go out into Washington Square Park on weekends in a secondhand tailcoat and do card tricks for money. So, but of course I don't say that. I'm like, oh yeah, no, I got a whole show. And he's like, well, you know, we do these sort of like VIP events, right. And the dancers, you Know, they sort of rotate and shifts. How would you like to do magic in between those events? And I was like, absolutely. He also offered me, and I cannot emphasize how much money this was to me at the time, $500 a night, which to me, he, he might as well have been like 80.

0:08:48 Thomas: My God. Whoa. You'd be like the top paid magician in The country, you Literally would have been the number one magician, like that, there is, yeah.

0:08:50 Tom: $500 a night is that's good money.

0:08:53 Eli: Yeah. Yeah, oh, magicians make so much money. That's, that's a whole other side note about how overpaid magicians are in New York.

0:09:01 Tom: Wait a minute. How How long was your performance?

0:09:03 Eli: Well, so here's the thing, the first night I show up and I am packed with playing cards and trick decks and suffocating doves, right? I am ready to do an hour of magic, right. I walk out and I'm like, hey fellas, you ready to see some magic? And they're They're like, get the fuck out of here, right? They do need time to change and get the new acts and rotate people upstairs. So the agreement we come to, what that I'm going to do magic as a distraction so that the changing process isn't these guys, which were always the worst possible category of human being, don't start like complaining and yelling at waiters and running downstairs.

0:09:19 Thomas: Obviously.

0:09:22 Tom: I

0:09:41 Thomas: Yeah. They'll Yell At you instead, yeah.

0:09:43 Eli: Right, exactly. So they yell at me. They yell at me instead. And I am so happy to do that. So

0:09:46 Thomas: Did You Bring like a bucket of tomatoes and leave it next to them and be like, all right Gina

0:09:51 Tom: I have Questions, though. Wait, understand why they don't have like one set of girls getting ready while the other girls are, what am I missing, like some girl is out there dancing Did They have every Girl out at the same time, is that how this Club worked I

0:10:01 Eli: So they want a couple of things. So least where I worked, there were sort of VIP dancers who would come. You would get assigned a dancer for Yourself. Yeah. You'd get Gina Gershon. Right. Those people would go away. Right? Because they didn't want to be. They would rotate onto the general floor of the club, and the people who were on the floor of the club would rotate upstairs so that everyone got their chance with the VIPs who were often spending a lot more money.

0:10:12 Thomas: Gershon Yeah.

0:10:29 Tom: Gotcha, okay.

0:10:29 Eli: So during that rotation, they needed someone to fill the gaps. I developed a small set. I would come out and I would say, guys, you have two choices. I can take off my clothes like the ladies have been doing or I can do card tricks. And I got a laugh and I Would do some card tricks So what this meant was for a very, very brief time until the boss of this club was like, you know what? I don't think we need magic. Naked people are enough. And I was like, they sure fucking are, my man.

I actually got to like be in the co-work, I wasn't in their dressing room, I was in the like backstage space with them, and of course I'm still equally nervous, right, I'm not no longer nervous in front of these people, so I did once ask like, so what do you want a customer to do like what is the ideal experience, and Tom, you actually hit the nail on the head, she was like, spend a lot of money. Right, then she was, the thing that I wish most customers understood is that this is not a a sexual experience for me, it's fine to be a sexual experience for you, as long as you are not trying to turn it into a different kind of sexual experience that

0:10:29 Tom: OK, all right.

0:10:37 Thomas: There You go The Green Yeah Yeah Interesting.

0:11:29 Eli: I'm having, right, and so the problem was like, here's the thing, I have no opposition in theory, right, I'm too nervous to do it, and I'm too in my head about like, I wonder if your parents are okay, and are you, oh, are you having the best possible time, and you have made these choices, and would you just sit, fill out this will won't want sheet for me real quick about dancing on, but like, in theory, right, a much more attractive person than me doing a dance on and around my lap sounds like a fantastic idea, I'm all about it in theory, right, just would want someone to be completely and totally comfortable in that process, and I would be so in my head that I'm not enjoying myself, right, I would be like, so is everyone at, at home, is it good, is it, god, you do any reading, do you guys have a union, I feel like you should have a uni, you probably owed a union anyways, gentlemen, do you know what the strip club experience of podcasting is, why it's the auto ads because is the auto adds in your podcasting feed, but you, you can stick a 20 bill in our hand, I don't think you're supposed, supposed to put it in other places, so you could, could put, put a dollar, don't touch us, but much

0:11:30 Thomas: Yeah Yeah

0:12:16 Tom: All

0:12:26 Thomas: The Only thing worse than getting a magician at a strip club

0:12:41 Tom: Right.

0:12:42 Eli: Like a stripper, don't judge us, uh, but you can give us money over at patreon.com/dearolddads, patreon.com forward slash dear old ads, where you'll get an extended commercial-free version of every single show, plus a little parenting story at the end when Tom feels like showing up, and we even get monthly bonus episodes if and when Thomas remembers to post them, patreon.com/dearolddads, sure.

0:12:58 Tom: Now,

0:13:07 Thomas: I wanted to tell you guys a little mini story, and I promise this one is actually mini, there's not a ton to it, no missing hard drives or anything, but it made me think of like, at first I was going to do it after the show, you know, for the thing that Tom doesn't show up for, but then And but Then I was like, oh, no, I would love to get the dudes his opinion on this. So here's what happened. I'm not going to obviously name names or anything, but Lydia and I were, we're on a Zoom call with someone we, we were talking to for a show. And person was trying to get, you usual, the first thing I have to do is, know, you, figure out people's audio every single time because Hi. Yeah. Have a nice day. I hope you're having a good time. Whatever. What the fuck are you talking to me on? Why does it sound like shit? Um, and not really, but, uh, but then,

0:13:20 Tom: One time. OK. God damn it.

0:13:42 Eli: Yeah

0:13:50 Tom: So you're interviewing

0:13:51 Thomas: Yeah, it's all damn. I was trying not to give it away. Um, so, then this person's partner, I don't know, overhears or comes in or something. And maybe it seemed like maybe they didn't know they were on the call and they, they start having what to mine and Lydia's ears is like an emergency emergency situation. Like this was like, oh, so you're on the recording? Oh, you're on. Oh, yeah. Are you complaining about me again? Oh. And I'm like, what the fuck is happening? I instantly want to die. I'm like, I understand what's going on. This person gets back on, you know, and they have some more interactions like that. And then like comes back and they're like, no, I need to get. Can you get out of here? I need a blah, blah, blah. And so this person comes back on and I'm like, Hey, are you

0:13:51 Tom: Eli. Yeah.

0:13:52 Eli: Yeah. Yep.

0:14:39 Thomas: Okay? Do I need to call the police? What's happening? And they're like, Oh no, no, that's just, that was, just our thing. That's totally our thing. We just, we, we razz each other. We joke each other, we whatever. And I was like, are You sure? Can you type in the messenger? If you, whatever. And then they're like, "Oh, no, no." See the partner's back. They're just kind of doing a bit, it, they like to roast each other, they always do that. And I still don't believe it, but hypothetically I think it is true that people have that dynamic. And I just think it's so funny, because Lydia and I could not be too, I don't know what the word is, but like two worse people to overhear that and be chill, you know?

0:14:54 Tom: Oh,

0:15:17 Eli: Right.

0:15:17 Thomas: Like, because we're, I, and I do not do that like at all. There's no, I've never ever had any desire. And what's funny is, obviously you, you may be able to tell or know from just hearing me talk that my entire family's whole thing was just fucking making fun of each other all the time in sarcastic ways, all the times. And just, is not an experience that I at all would find, like, doing it seems like the best case scenario is like, oh, that's kind of funny. Worst case scenario, you accidentally say something that your partner is like deeply troubled by for the rest of the fucking relationship.

0:15:35 Eli: Yes. Exactly.

0:15:52 Thomas: Yeah. But like, other couples seem to do this, and I don't want to, like, maybe it works out for them. Like, what, have you guys ever witnessed that couple? First of all, yeah.

0:15:53 Eli: Oh.

0:16:02 Eli: I see that couple all the time. Are you good? The worst part is, that couple often thinks that Anna and I are that couple, and we are not.

0:16:02 Tom: My God. Yeah, but Eli, I'm interested in this because you are roasty as hell with your friends. You are super fucking roasty. Like, far as I can see, I mean, I don't know most of your like real life friends, but like your podcast friends at least Yeah.

0:16:18 Eli: Yes.

0:16:25 Thomas: That's Not true at all Tom, I think Eli just doesn't like you

0:16:29 Tom: Why don't

0:16:29 Eli: This is how Tom learns on air that I'm generous and kind.

0:16:31 Thomas: Eli do you make jokes that, like, when you're in, like when you're off the clock that's weird all

0:16:32 Tom: Is it this is okay alright if anyone needs me, I'll be crying, those sounds you hear I'll try to I'm gonna try to turn the volume down so you don't hear the weeping in the background too.

0:16:38 Eli: Driving to Eli's house with an ex.

0:16:43 Tom: Much

0:16:36 Thomas: Right no that's yeah that's very much not true, Eli will roast everybody except

0:16:43 Tom: No Eli roasts the fuck on everybody, like I've been doing enough shows with him for the last seven years that I know, but

0:16:48 Thomas: Yeah.

0:16:47 Eli: This is how much I roast the friends in my life. I texted Thomas the other day because I noticed that Lydia has a maiden name which is something I could make fun of and I was like Like, hey man, how come you didn't tell me I can make fun of Lydia's maiden name? And Thomas was like, "What?" And I was like, I've been wasting years years I could have spent on this

0:17:03 Tom: Yeah,

0:17:05 Thomas: And I don't understand what the, what you could possibly think you're going to do, Eli. Like what joke, what thing do you think you are going to say to my wife that will be worth saying? Think very carefully about that.

0:17:21 Eli: Don't know I don' know, you just gotta let

0:17:22 Thomas: Just think think very carefully.

0:17:22 Eli: Me work on it. You just gotta let me work on it. It's there, it's there, I'm just saying four years of friendship I could've been working on this. That's all I'm saying.

0:17:26 Thomas: Sure it is. It's been like eight years, but yeah, sure.

0:17:33 Tom: But you don't, you don'T roast Anna, not even a little bit,

0:17:35 Eli: Not even a little even a little. It is just completely not an impulse I have, have

0:17:41 Thomas: There you go. Same thing.

0:17:42 Tom: And it's not a conscious thing, right, like, it's NOT a conscious thing, it'S just, it doesn't I think for me, I was thinking about this while you were talking, Thomas, and I was like, for me at the audience is everything, everything you know, like, in my home, like, where there's no one else around.

0:17:44 Eli: No. No. I don't make the choice, yeah.

0:17:53 Thomas: Hmm. Yeah. So let's roast the fucking audience. I'm with you. Yeah, these fucking guys. God, they've had it coming.

0:17:58 Eli: Yeah. Right.

0:18:01 Tom: Like in my home, like, I'll tease the kids quite a lot, like, but it's very one. I wouldn't do it in front of other people, right? Because I would never want to be perceived as performing for an audience, um, with them as the butt of the joke, right? So I'll, I'll tease all the kids like crazy. Got a real strong read on. Are we all having fun? Like I keep that real tight. Like, are we all having fun? I give them plenty of opportunities to make fun of me back in ways that are still fun and funny and never touch soft spots. Right. Like, we never touch each other's like soft spots with like the things we know we're sensitive about. And I think I do. I don't roast Haley, but like I'll tease Haley about stuff like her little like peculiarities, you know, of like, like, oh, she like loses stuff a lot. I'll be like, oh, it was under here again. You know, like.

0:18:21 Eli: Oh.

0:18:08 Thomas: Yes. Yeah mm -hmm. Yeah, That's why I was curious about the three bears, potentially, maybe, although it sounds like it's two bears. Because, Tom, I do, I do feel like Haley's maybe a little bit of that roasty. I feel like you're a little bit of that roast. I was wondering if you were going to be somewhere along that line of the kind of roast each other couple. Okay.

0:19:00 Tom: I would never perform that for somebody else, right, soon as there's another ear in the room. Because I think it's fucking really rude to like be performative about the ways that, like, I don't know, for me, like, that actually is a really intimate space. Like There's a carve out that's like really intimate about the way ways that you can be silly with one another and touch those soft spots and be like, hey, I know this little fun thing about who you are as a person. I can kind of poke at it. You can poke at my little fun things. But that's actually super intimate space that we've carved out through a real deep mutual understanding. And I think it's gross to perform that for the amusement of other people. And so I think when couples take that into the public sphere, feels almost exhibitionist or something. Like, I don't like it. Like, I, when I watch it, I'm like, just fuck, or something. Make me more comfortable. This is weird and

0:19:04 Thomas: Yeah, well.

0:19:51 Thomas: Tom, 100, or have you ever had the time where it's like the dude expects you to also start fucking harassing as well, you know, or something? You know You have definitely been there. Are those dudes who, and it's not even you,

0:19:58 Eli: Yeah, it's nuts.

0:20:03 Tom: Then you're doing the Eiffel tower a little while later and you're like locking eyes and, yeah, no, no, that's different.

0:20:06 Thomas: No, it's that they hate their wives and they actually want to fucking like fun of them all the time and then have you join in and you're like, I'm not doing that. Like, what? Sorry. I just don't. Just do this elsewhere. Like, do it behind closed doors. This is not fucking for me to see, you you guys have a goddamn problem, why am I here?

0:20:09 Eli: Oh.

0:20:10 Tom: No, I get real fucking uncomfortable as soon as like somebody tells that joke like, or, like you can see that the other person, like, you look over at the, the person who's the subject of that joke and you see that they're not laughing, they don't have mirth in their eyes. They're not like getting ready for another witty rejoinder back where, you know, they're in the banter, they're just like stone, faced, they're like, well, that hurts.

0:20:30 Thomas: Mm -hmm. Yeah. Yep. Yep. Yep. Meanwhile, Meanwhile, the other partner's like, oh, they hate when I tell this story.

0:20:44 Tom: Oh, yeah, right. Right.

0:20:48 Eli: That's the worst.

0:20:49 Thomas: You're like. Oh, maybe don't

0:20:49 Tom: Well, oh, that is the actual worst. Like, oh, no, this isn't gonna paint this person that I supposedly love in the best light. And you're like, then shut the fuck up about it, what are you doing,

0:20:51 Thomas: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

0:20:59 Eli: The pretend fight that's a real fight is the worst thing. Again, like, I would rather watch condomless anal sex a centimeter from my pride open eyeball ball then that, like, oh, no, she hates this, she hates us, no, don't tell that story, oh my God, he's such an aunt. And I'm just like, it sounds like you guys should break up, huh? How about you guys fucking break up and I get to talk to normal humans? How about that, huh?

0:21:02 Thomas: Yeah,

0:21:25 Eli: You guys know, you have one life, right?

0:21:24 Thomas: Or, Again, should I call the police, can I

0:21:27 Eli: You're not you know, this isn't a practice run for your eventual run, I mean, it is In a way, because you're all super toxic.

0:21:27 Thomas: Call the police, yeah, exactly. Oh my God, yeah, oh my God, so true. Eli, like, Oh,

0:21:35 Eli: But, oh, God, it is nothing worse than, than the friend who transforms, too, in, who, in front of their partner, because I tend to do this a little bit because I don't roast Anna, and so I have seen myself betray friends, which is like, it's fun roast -a -thon with this person, and then their partner joins, and they're like, I donno, man, I think it's awful hard to be a part of any political party in this country, and maybe we could all use a little more understanding, and you're like hey, have you seen Mike? Mike, have you seen Mike? Because you murdered him and stole his skin, you awful skinwalker.

0:21:59 Tom: What?

0:22:06 Thomas: My

0:22:08 Tom: Like people that prank each other in relationships, because this is like a big deal, I see this online, I don't know how, like, I I feel like it's super fucking fucking performative, but I also feel like a lot of that performative stuff leads to people doing it in real life because they're like, oh, this is a way that people interact with each other.

0:22:11 Thomas: God, the pranking no fucking way yeah I I think the pranky couples exist, I think they exist, it's probably not you know, to the degree that you see in those fucking stupid videos, but like, I definitely, the only thing is, I don't remember them since, like, when I was way younger, so I don't know if you grow out of it, but I bet most people don't grow out a lot of stuff, so I'm, I'm sure. I'm sure they exist.

0:22:28 Eli: Oh, sure.

0:22:42 Eli: Oh, yeah, I see it all the time. There was viral video of the guy ruining his wife's puzzle. Did you see this?

0:22:48 Tom: Yes.

0:22:48 Thomas: Oh, yeah. And then it's like divorce. Hope.

0:22:51 Eli: It's not, though. It's like, he's so mean to me. And I'm like, no, no. No, no no. He's so means to you. And dad should tie his feet to the back of his car and do a cross-country road trip. Like, that's the other thing, where the fuck are these people's friends? And I mean this without gender, right? I mean men, women, whatever.

0:22:56 Thomas: Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

0:23:12 Tom: Yeah.

0:23:12 Eli: If I was ever hanging out with anybody and their significant other did something like that to them, I'd be like, well, you're a massive piece of shit, and if they were a person, if they were identified as a gender I was allowed to fight socially, I would immediately asked to fight them. Immediately.

0:23:29 Thomas: They're like they them. You're like, ah, shit. Am I allowed? Damn it.

0:23:32 Eli: Shit. Fuck. All right. Of my wife's friends is going to fight you for me. I demand a trial by combat, a combat by combat.

0:23:43 Thomas: Yeah, no, totally. God, it is. I can't. I I can't hang around those people at all.

0:23:47 Eli: I I can'T, not only can I not like fathom it, I don't know how to handle it even in the like most mild sense of the word. So like, I'll give you a great example because this is a true story from my life. I have friends friends who are very roasty with each other. And he was like, Hey, do you want to help me prank my... And so I was like not really because look to

0:24:07 Tom: Right.

0:24:07 Thomas: Now, I'm so uncomfortable. I'm jumping into your story from the past, Elon. I'm trying.

0:24:12 Eli: Say no. Yeah.

0:24:13 Thomas: Yeah, I invented a time machine. I'm tearing open the fabric of time space to poke my head through and go, no.

0:24:19 Eli: Yes. I wish I also would love that is the head picking out. Cause then he would have been like, did Thomas just stick his head through time space?

0:24:27 Thomas: Thomas's goatee time space.

0:24:28 Eli: So here's the problem with this, right? First of all, and I admit this is my own biases, I don't love pranking people unless I know them super duper duper crazy well, or they're an asshole on the internet. I'm not okay with the middle range, right? Would happily climb into Kevin Spacey's window dressed as a clown, lie in bed and pop out of that and be like, "You should own the bad things you did, Kevin." Like, I'm all about that. And really close people in my life, like I will orchestrate their dad's death. And then he pops out of the coffin and he's like, "I knew you wouldn't be sad enough." Like, I'm all about that.

But there is a middle ground of person with whom do not feel comfortable enough. And that is very often the significant others of close friends. And so he was like, "Oh, I want to do a prank on my significant other." And I was like, great, what's the prank? Cause I'm trying to be chill, right? Because the problem is, cause I'm roasty, like Tom mentioned, when I don't roast someone, they're like, "Oh, Eli doesn't like you." And it's not that I don't like you. It's that I do not like you yet. So I have not yet. I

0:24:43 Thomas: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

0:25:31 Thomas: He doesn't like you.

0:25:32 Eli: Maybe I don't like them. Yeah, exactly. But um, that, that is always marked by how incredibly polite and fake I sound when talking to someone like people I hate most in the world have had nothing but the sweetest, most pleasant interactions with me until I break and become a complete psychopath. So the point being, he's like, do this thing. And I'm like, yeah, of course we're friends so do it. And he's like, I want you to call. So this person works in a laboratory. I want you to call and say that they left like some stuff out and that some things died in the lab. Uh, I was like, what kind of stuff is this? Like, is this anything? He's like, no, no, no, she's just a lab, she's just doing these experiments, she'll think it's really funny. Me,

0:25:33 Tom: Right. Yeah.

0:25:35 Thomas: That's True. No.

0:26:13 Tom: No, this is like surprise tickling, right? This is never something anybody in the world likes.

0:26:14 Thomas: Hate it so much God.

0:26:14 Eli: Yeah Yes. Exactly.

0:26:19 Tom: Like, I'm so fucking

0:26:20 Eli: Yes.

0:26:20 Thomas: I hate it so much, Tom.

0:26:20 Tom: No, I don't like this. I don't, this, this happened in the past and I assume everything is okay and I hate listening to this story and I'm like on a podcast 900 miles from you, I'm literally Dude,

0:26:30 Thomas: You want to join me you want to join in the time machine. Let's poke through.

0:26:32 Tom: I'm I'm hiding my face from this story, like people can see me right now.

0:26:33 Thomas: Yeah.

0:26:35 Eli: Now. From This, it gets so much worse. It gets so much worst, so He's like, we're got a meeting with her boss on Friday and then she's going, we're going for vacation call

0:26:37 Tom: Ah. No.

0:26:38 Thomas: Uh, no. No. You with work, you don't mess with work. Too, oh.

0:26:46 Eli: Yeah. There's so many reasons why I should have said no. No. So many reasons. So I'm like, great. I'll call Friday afternoon. I don't realize happens is in that meeting with her boss, she gets fired.

0:26:51 Thomas: My god, I heat this, oh.

0:27:00 Tom: What is happening?

0:27:01 Eli: She is fired from her job. So, I then call and I'm, like, hi, is this? I'll called her Jen. I'm , like, yeah.

0:27:01 Tom: No. Oh.

0:27:11 Eli: I left samples out today. No, I didn't. And I'm like, no, it turns out you did. It's no big deal. She's like, No, I was terminated today. I have not been back in the lab.

0:27:24 Thomas: Okay, okay. However, however, if this, this actually was a double prank on you, I now actually love this. She was actually in on it and was going to pretend she got fired.

0:27:31 Eli: If it was a prank on me.

0:27:34 Tom: I Like that.

0:27:35 Thomas: That I'm back in. I'm in, Tom. Maybe Tom and I went back and changed the timeline and that's what happened.

0:27:35 Tom: Oh. God. Yeah. That's Probably is Hitler alive? Look and see if Hitler's alive because That's how You know,

0:27:41 Thomas: Yeah. Tom wanted to specifically leave Hitler alive.

0:27:44 Tom: No, I meant, God damn it, the other way. Fuck, now I'm canceled.

0:27:48 Thomas: Oh

0:27:47 Eli: So I was like, Oh, okay. Be a mistake. Must be someone else's name on the log. Right? I assume there's logs. Goodbye forever. I hang up. Um, I called from my cell phone cause I assume we're going to do a, like a surprise, but I know she's, she's mentioned she's been terminated. I figure he'll figure it out. She then very rightly is like, Hey, I think someone has been logging in as me. Maybe this is the reason I got fired.

0:27:50 Tom: Oh, my God, oh,

0:28:12 Thomas: My God. Oh no.

0:28:18 Eli: So she calls her old employer and she's like, hey, I'm really sorry. I understand that you've terminated me, but I think this might be the reason for my termination.

0:28:16 Tom: No, Oh,

0:28:25 Eli: This person called, I get a call from the lab and they're like, yeah, hi, you called from this number and I'm like I don't know what is happening I'm sewing over my head right the other thing that I'm not told is this is not a lab that's testing like color palettes for whatever she works in a virology lab which has like government

0:28:24 Tom: My god, oh, my God, did did she do COVID-19 did she, yeah, right. Oh,

0:28:47 Thomas: Oh my. Oh my god. It's in Wuhan, China. Yeah.

0:28:51 Eli: She's fucking putting the COVID onto the bats to feed to people right and so they're calling me and they're like this is very serious you're not allowed to pretend to be us and I'm like no I'm not hello goodbye I'm you you're me whatever I get a call from the friend and i'M GONNA CALL HIM JEN SO I'M LIKE HEY JEN THIS FUCKING SUCKS MY MAN HOW DO WE SOLVE THIS I'VE GOT A REAL LAB WITH GOVERNMENT CLEARANCE CALLING ME TO SAY THAT I'M Like FUCKING WITH THEIR EMPLOYEES LIKE Like they're going to call the cops maybe. And he's like, whatever you do, it's

0:29:09 Thomas: God, but again, If this is a prank on Eli, this is the best prank of all time, yeah.

0:29:27 Eli: Great. Like whatever you do, you can't tell anybody the truth. And I'm like, that's not the worst answer you could give me. That's the worst possible answer you could gimme. He's no, no, she'll be so mad at me. I'm worried she'll break up with me. You have to just say it was a prank. And I'm like on a lab? I pranked a random lab by calling one of their random employees on a day they were fired And he was like, yes, that's what you have to say. And again, I was a younger, more foolish man. So I was like. Yup. And they were like, well, great. You suck. Um, and we're going to call the police and file a police report on you.

0:30:01 Eli: It was the worst. And for the remainder of the time, I was friends with that person. For the remaining 14 seconds, I WAS friends with that person. Every time he began to say like, I have an idea. I'd be like, you know what? One of your ideas was one time. Do you remember a one idea that you had? It's the worst, you're the worst I hate. You and

0:30:00 Tom: My God always

0:30:07 Thomas: I was gonna say, what time?

0:30:18 Thomas: And that's why you don't prank your partner, you need the the rest of development one hand, you need that is Such a perfect story, I can't believe that. Wow, that is so funny. Yeah.

0:30:21 Tom: Leave a note, right? April.

0:30:28 Eli: But I don't understand the pranking your partner thing at all. I know I've told this on air before, but um, Anna and I have one exception to this, which is on April Fool's Day, uh, takes various versions of Achum the cat, uh, is an internet cat that I pretend not to like, and she puts them all over our house as a prank. Uh, last year she bought in an Achum rubber stamp and just put like hundreds of pieces of paper with the Achum face stamped on them all over the house. I have one in the picture frame on my desk. So yeah, that is, that is our, our prank life. Yeah.

0:31:00 Thomas: April Fool's, worst day of the year, I fucking hate it, I know. Tom, are you there with me?

0:31:02 Eli: Yeah.

0:31:04 Tom: Fool's by the way, my mother's birthday. I think it's very appropriate. I've always thought that was a very

0:31:07 Eli: Makes sense when she dies, she's gonna call you and be like, "Pranked!" And then you'll be, you'll even be like, "Oh no, you got me, you got me, you were, uh, you were a prank of a human being, the feel quite gotten by your existence, mother."

0:31:09 Thomas: Wow. I think we're in a simulation, yeah.

0:31:18 Thomas: I even Don't, like, I mean, I'll go so far as to say I do some amount of the straight -faced say the joke thing, you know, for a minute, and sometimes I'll accidentally do it.

Rarely, as I accidentally did one with Lydia the other day, where I'm, you, you know, you make the straight face sarcastic joke, and the other person, and I do this all the time too, like I'm like, I don't know, I don't know, I fall for this all time, the other person doesn't get it, you know, they're like, whoa, really? You know, like that happens. I hate that too.

Like I don't, there's, I a sweet spot of that where it has to be like a little bit, but the people who will just like do one of those straight face jokes, and then when someone kind of falls for it, then they just want to keep going forever. You know? Like, oh yeah. And I just think it's so like mean, I don't really understand the point of it.

Is It's that a social interaction you like is like, hey, either my friend or my friend's friend, let's make you feel as dumb as possible. That's a great social interaction. I love that.

0:32:17 Eli: Older women in my family greatly enjoy as a joke typing into a family text message thread "what." Yeah. It's just them pretending not to understand what has been been said, so then you explain it, and they're like, har, har, and you're like, I hate this, so now here's the problem.

0:32:27 Tom: That's it. Oh,

0:32:28 Thomas: What's the joke? Oh, for fuck's sake. I'm out. That's that. Oh my God. That

0:32:34 Tom: No, see,

0:32:44 Eli: I, I have post PTSD, post-text stress disorder. So now when anyone texts me the word "what," and you guys have seen how I type, so that happens on a fairly regular basis, I reply, reply, no, because I refused.

0:32:44 Thomas: Is the worst.

0:32:57 Thomas: That s horrible.

0:32:58 Eli: I'm just like, you have to solve, find the Declaration of Independence on the back of the Constitution, Nicolas Cage. I refuse to explain what it is I've said.

0:33:07 Tom: I the big problem with, like, the roast and prank shit for, for people like, like your partner, like,

0:33:11 Eli: You shouldn't want to do that to people you love.

0:33:13 Thomas: Yeah.

0:33:13 Tom: No, because I, you don't, I know you love your friends, like I know you do, so like, I, and you roast your friends, it's just that most people are so fucking bad at it, like, but like, most people, because everything we're talking about is people that are just legitimately, they're not good at it, right? They're just going to be like, oh, you know, it'd be funny is if I actually like deeply hurt somebody's feelings, you're like, no, that's, you don't understand how this works, that's not even roasting, like that wouldn't be fun. Actually, if you put somebody up on stage to roast them and you were like, you know what makes this person really insecure, at night when they're trying to sleep, and then you just fucking lay into that, you know, that's not, but

0:33:13 Thomas: Or anyone.

0:33:16 Eli: Sure. Yeah, that's a big part of it.

0:33:21 Thomas: Yeah, yeah.

0:33:46 Thomas: I mean

0:33:47 Tom: That's like, so much of what people do, right?

0:33:47 Thomas: Mean, Eli does that to me, but yeah.

0:33:50 Eli: But the audience is here, Thomas. The audience is hier.

0:33:52 Thomas: Yeah. Not always.

0:33:54 Eli: Sometimes, maybe our text messages get doxxed someday. You don't know, Thomas, there's a chance.

0:33:55 Thomas: Yeah, well,

0:34:00 Tom: I just feel like you can't trust most people to do it well, you know what I mean, like they're just gonna do a bad job and you're just like, all right, you're, you're not fun, you're not funny, you didn't grow up being fun and funny, just don't do this, yeah.

0:34:04 Eli: No. Absolutely. Not Yeah.

0:34:13 Thomas: I don't wanna be the rain on everybody's parade, but just for a moment, if you could all look within yourselves, you pranky pranks and you prankers and you roasters, and just look at, like, what is emotionally happening to you when you You say a thing that or do a thing, do a prank, whatever it is that's like you've constructed a or a universe in which you get to be shitty, but just enough so that no one can like call the police. You know, no one could actually no one to actually be mad at you because you've you've the thin veneer of like just kidding. Look look within and see what that is. Is that something good? Do you think that's good? Because I don't, I don't really get it. I think that it only comes from a desire to be shitty that you get to, you disguises something else for a second.

0:34:58 Eli: Well, that, that is so much of it, right, and I, I don't know if you guys experience this, Tom, I imagine you do, because we certainly experience it, because we do a Vulgarity for Charity roast, I would say one out of 20 of our listeners are just like, I am also in on the roast and every contact I have with you will begin with my attempt to roast you, and it is bizarre, bizarre, it is bizarre, the stuff people open with, like, I cannot count the amount of emails that are like, "What up, you fat pieces of shit," and I'm just like, what an insane I

0:35:14 Thomas: Yeah.

0:35:20 Tom: God, yeah, yeah, so many so many of that, so much of that, holy shit, yes, Cecil and I stopped the self-deprecating humor on Cog Diss, like, or six years ago because, like, 80% of the emails we were getting were things like, "Glory hole, you dumb fucking bastards," and you're like, well, I don't, why did I open this email today

0:35:49 Eli: Don't know how I created this dynamic, how do I uncreate this dynamic

0:35:51 Tom: Right and it's so funny too, because, like, what people don't see, we've pointed it out, like, Cog Dis is a good example, like, on Cog Dis is that I never make fun of Cecil, never, ever, Cecil, never, in all the years of our friend he does not make fun of me, we make fun of ourselves, and that's different, right, I have infinite permission to make fun of myself, Cecil, so that's a different kind of dynamic, but people just hear that and they're just like, oh, I, I'm also good at it, what's up, cunt, and you're just like, whoa, that's not that's a lot that's

0:36:05 Thomas: Because he has a sword. Yeah.

0:36:06 Eli: Right. Yikes. Yeah. No, it's just just

0:36:25 Tom: A lot, you don't know what you just said

0:36:26 Eli: The most a rude thing, and especially since, at least in my case, my, and Thomas, your, your wife is as well. Well, my wife is also involved in a lot of those dynamics. And we have luckily so far, we have yet to have someone who's like, hey, Anna, you big man. Like that is luckily not been a line that's been crossed. Or when it has been crossed, it's been people who are like, don't like me from the internet that are just trying to hurt her feelings. Right. And that's its own version of horror. But the reason I pointed out for us is I think a lot OF the time, like that is what someone is trying to do with the prank thing, Right. Right? Is that they think that is a part of like having a relationship often because they were treated badly.

0:37:05 Thomas: Yeah.

0:37:05 Eli: Like, I don't know if you've ever.

0:37:06 Thomas: Like their dad made him a toothpick sandwich. That kind of thing.

0:37:07 Eli: Oh, I was going to talk around it, but fantastic. Yeah.

0:37:10 Tom: Wait, what?

0:37:11 Eli: OK, so we'll talk about it. Right. Which is that like sometimes

0:37:10 Thomas: Oh, he's fine with it. I think I've made jokes about it.

0:37:14 Eli: People will be like, my parents used to do this to me. And you're like, wow, man, that sucks. They should have been kind to you for 100 percent of your life. And they're like now. And you're like, yes. And they're like now?

0:37:18 Thomas: Could be why you're deeply troubled. Yeah. It's Like the spanking, basically, it's like The, it's Like, oh, I was spanking, I turned out fine, you're like, oof, you though, yeah. I, I won't speak, I mean I will kind of speak for Lydia, but she can verify, Eli, uh, as much as Lydia is now involved in the shows, I do not think she will ever want to be 400 feet near the roasting of any kind.

0:37:28 Eli: Yes, exactly.

0:37:32 Tom: Yeah.

0:37:44 Eli: No.

0:37:44 Thomas: Like, I don't think that that's not her, uh She could come, she could come laugh at your roast, I think, yeah.

0:37:45 Eli: And I sense that Thomas I sense that she's Very fun, no, here's the thing, Lydia is very funny, and there are people, that's the other thing, there are people who are funny that just aren't roast funny.

0:38:00 Tom: Well Yeah. Well

0:38:00 Thomas: Yeah, like me, I don't like roasting, I'm not, I'm an imposter every time I do any of that stuff with you, you

0:38:07 Tom: I, I'm not good at roasting the way that Eli and Heath and Noah and Cecil are, like, they're just, they're fucking clever, I just, I knew initially, like, I'm going to do the vulgarity for charity, I was like, well, I'm not, not, I'm gonna be good at that, so I'm gonna build an entirely different shtick, I

0:38:19 Thomas: You invented an entirely new form of roasting that's like banned in several countries, like you do a war crime roast. Tom, you do When Tom roasts you, it's like you're not going to be there after he's done.

0:38:25 Eli: Yes. Exactly.

0:38:25 Tom: I But Yeah, I, I literally, I remember, I remember texting it to see so I was like, this is so fucking hard, I'm just gonna say the meanest possible things I can say and hope that it builds up enough that, like, the absurdity of it is, is funny, but think like within relationships too.

0:38:31 Eli: Scorched earth roasting.

0:38:45 Thomas: Oh So Good, yeah.

0:38:46 Tom: Like, of the problem of, like, goofing and roasting, like, that is a lot, lot of times it's really thinly veiled abuse cover. Right. It's like people say really hurtful, soft spot poking shit, and then there's, like, I'm just kidding, I'm just razzin' ya, you can't take a joke, and it's like, that's not, you weren't kidding.

0:38:53 Thomas: Exactly. The

0:38:54 Eli: Yes, yes.

0:39:05 Tom: That's none of that, yeah.

0:39:05 Thomas: Yeah. I I'm not going to universalize But the experience I've had the most with that is a dude who hates his wife, basically and just wants to be shitty about it, can't I stand it, I would never, like, never in public, really, but like, there's times under the extreme stress we've been in for this past over a year that I've like accidentally gone a little too far with like the things that I know, like, I, I'll dip into the um, way my, my family would interact, a little bit, and I'm like, ah, sorry.

0:39:11 Eli: Hated.

0:39:12 Tom: Right.

0:39:24 Eli: Lydia you Yeah Right.

0:39:32 Thomas: Cause all we would entirely speak in the stupidest, worst, um, passive aggressive sarcasm for everything for literally every sentence would be that. And it's the least healthy thing imaginable. And occasionally, like when I'm just like, my brain is taken up with too much other stuff to like moderate properly. Like I've dipped into that and I am like, oh, I'm so sorry. Nevermind. I don't. And the And other thing is I'm not going to pretend that it's not stuff. That's the other things I don't like. I hate the dishonesty of pretending it's just jokes. You know, because like clearly, oh, you made that comment. Like if it's, you know, like kind of my family or whatever. It's like you made the comment. That means that's what you want to say. But then you're just doing a little laughy bit after just in case to pretend you're not. It's not. It's just like, you're like, oh my God, I don't like that dishonesty part of it either.

0:39:43 Tom: Yeah. Yeah.

0:40:12 Tom: I

0:39:42 Eli: Right. Yeah. Yeah. It's, maybe this is like a wishy-washy feelings thing, and I've been accused of this in the past when I've sort of been uncomfortable in these situations, especially when it's like a family dynamic instead of just a couple dynamic is I'm like, I think you maybe should just be nice to your kids all the time.

0:40:29 Thomas: Mm -hmm. Yeah. Yeah.

0:40:35 Tom: Don't know, man, I, I will push on that, because I, I mess with the kids Like, I, I don't know, they're old, maybe it's because they're old enough.

0:40:35 Thomas: Yeah. Tom's kids are little shits. Yeah. It's

0:40:39 Eli: Like Yeah.

0:40:43 Tom: Like, I didn't do it when they were little, right? Like, that would have been horrible. But, like, I always mess with, like... And they love it. Like, have a good time.

0:40:50 Eli: Yeah.

0:40:43 Thomas: An age thing, too. Yeah. It's and age thing. They got to be old enough to, like, know what's going on. And, yeah.

0:40:51 Tom: Yeah.

0:40:53 Eli: I also want to clarify that, like, I have seen and heard you mess with your kids, and it is broad clowning. It is not, um, like, like means, right? So, like, one of my favorite stories about Tom and Amon, when Amon was really little, is that we were recording and we were on sort of a break, and Amin come down, and he was like a little upset about something, and I remember you were like, "Do you want a hug?" And he was like, "No." And you were like, "Do you want to pinches? Do you, do you want me to pinch you a bunch?" And he was like, "No." And he started to laugh. And, like, that's the dynamic, right? That is the dynamic. As opposed to that, like, well, your mother's here again. Looks like the fun's over. Just like, huh?

0:41:00 Tom: Yes. No, never.

0:41:03 Thomas: Assassination.

0:41:24 Tom: Right, yeah. Right. That's what I mean by, like, you never poke at somebody's soft spots, right? Like, you never get them where it hurts. Like, like you get them where you know it doesn't, where it doesn't matter, where the stakes are essentially zero, right? The kind of like teasing and stuff that I think is like fun in a family and like silly and like never has any stakes to it, right? Not going to, kids tease me for, like, not being able to, like, reach under the couch for something. Like, I told that story before.

0:41:34 Eli: Right.

0:41:49 Thomas: Yeah.

0:41:57 Tom: Right. Like I'm not hurt by that.

0:41:57 Thomas: And I I think siblings are a bit of a different story. I think the parent -kid thing is just such, there's so much opportunity for damage that, But like, I think being really careful with siblings, I get it a little more because like you're essentially sometimes you're like inmates together, you know, you Know, at least my siblings, like, there's some amount of like roasty sibling relationship that I think makes sense because it's also, it's a relationship that you didn't really choose and it's like, you, I don't know. It makes more sense than like, "Oh, either my kid or my romantic partner, I want to find ways to take him down a peg."

0:42:31 Eli: Yeah.

0:42:32 Thomas: There's like why?

0:42:14 Tom: Right. Right, right.

0:42:32 Eli: Yeah. Also, do you have you ever seen the siblings who have like the way too fighty dynamic? Like the legit, just they go to war over the tiniest thing dynamic?

0:42:41 Thomas: Yeah, I had. I played hockey, I played hockey with a guy who, we played another team and he was like, oh, my brother's on that team, I was like, what the fuck, and then they got in a fight in the game.

0:42:42 Tom: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

0:42:53 Eli: Amazing.

0:42:53 Thomas: An actual fight, it was the weirdest thing, I was like, what is happening right now?

0:42:53 Eli: Thing

0:42:53 Tom: I, will readily admit that is with my brother. I have a brother, Bob. My brother is a year older than I am. You're not that far. I can't spend time with him. I just can't do it. I've, I'm not able to spend any time with Bob. I haven't for years, like years, and nobody in my life has ever been able to just aggravate the shit out of me in a a way that like makes me feel like clenching my teeth, angry faster than my brother, and he's a good person, like my brother is a good person, but personality wise, he and I just cannot be in the same room, we can't, we can't spend time together at all, I've fired him twice, like I've employed

0:43:04 Thomas: Have a Highlander dynamic

0:43:05 Eli: You fire

0:43:21 Thomas: Yeah. Yeah. I think

0:43:35 Tom: Him and I've hired him twice, I

0:43:35 Thomas: You've met you fired so many family members, Tom, holy shit.

0:43:39 Eli: A lot. You gotta stop hiring and firing your family members, Tom, I yeah

0:43:41 Tom: I I actually have a new no hiring, firing family politics, I'm tired of firing them, but yeah but I can't I can't be in the same room with him, like I'll see him on Christmas, and by the time, like, Christmas is over, I'm like, that's all the Bob I got for the year, you know, he sent me a birthday text, and this is, I love this, I kind of want to screenshot and send it to you, we send each other a birthday tax, it's the only interaction we have all year, and so he sent it to me, it's just, happy birthday, period, and I just write back, thank you, period.

0:43:45 Eli: This seems like a probably a good idea.

0:43:47 Thomas: Yeah. Yeah.

0:44:09 Tom: That's that's our, that's your birthday, that's what I'm saying, year, like, we'll I'll see you at Christmas, so great, yeah.

0:44:04 Eli: Yep That's the curry, the yep right.

0:44:12 Thomas: I don't even know why you bothered doing that. Yeah. It is interesting because I almost think that there's some amount, like obviously my siblings and I went through a lot and, you had a lot of damage done to us. There is a certain thing where I think it's like, maybe just don't hang out it. Like Like I think there can be dynamic because I notice it for some reason, me and my brother they're pretty much fine. But when it's all certain combinations, permutations of us, of the Smiths, like it just gets, it's like my sisters go at it a lot, you know? And it's just like, it gets them. I know that individually I can interact with them and it's fine. But then like the minute they start having a fight with each other or my mom, like they're just the three of them, they just start turning into the, I'm just like, first of all, I don't care about any of this.

That's the hard part for me is like, they're having some knockdown, drag out fight over nothing the three of them you know or one of them or whatever the fuck it is and then I cannot communicate how much I do not care about whatever this is.

It could be, oh well, we were gonna go to church and she said that they, she would stay to the at home and then I, and I'm just like, this is fucking, no, just there's not enough, like Eli said, there's only one life, we only, we're only here once, and like if they separate from that, they're completely, completely functional adults with other people, you know? And part of me is like, I guess there's some relationships where you're just like, ah, just that's kind of done. Just avoid each other. It doesn't

0:44:34 Tom: Yeah.

0:45:37 Eli: Yeah.

0:45:37 Thomas: Work.

0:45:38 Eli: And then you're somehow the bad guy for being like, what if we just stopped doing this to each other, huh, seems really terrible, terrible. Seems like you guys hate each other, super a lot.

0:45:39 Tom: Yeah. Well,

0:45:41 Thomas: Just never talk to you. Oh, how could you stop talking to family? It's like, I don't know. Cause you turn into serial killers every time we talk.

0:45:58 Eli: All right, gentlemen, speaking of fighting, I Think it's Tragic that Islam, Christianity and Judaism have been at each other's throats for centuries. On the other hand never has any beef and

0:46:07 Thomas: Yeah.

0:46:09 Tom: All right.

0:46:17 Clip: Want to meet sexy DILFs in your area? Email the dads at DearOldDads.com or, better yet, send us a message on Patreon. You can follow us on all social media by checking the links in the show notes. And if you need more podcasts in your life, you can find Tom on Cognitive Dissonance, Thomas on Serious Inquiries Only, and Eli on Godawful Movies and all the Puzzle in the Thunderstorm shows. Dear Old Dads is edited and produced by my favorite DILF, Tom Smith, who also wrote and recorded the intro music, which is used with his permission. This podcast is a production of Daddy Issues LLC. Copyright 2022. All rights reserved.

0:46:57 Eli: They're not that good an actor and I am that good a magician. So you all can just fuck yourselves. I assume there's logs. Goodbye forever. I hang up. Um, I

0:47:04 Tom: God, oh.