DOD98: Awfully Wedded

Transcript

This transcript was generated automatically and may contain errors — the audio is the record.

0:00:28 Tom: Welcome to Dear Old Dads. The podcast is throwing a theme party and you'd better dress up for it. I'm Tom Curry. I'm joined as always by Thomas Smith and Eli Bosnick. Hello gentlemen.

0:00:39 Eli: Ho! Hey there, Tom!

0:00:41 Thomas: The fuck was that?

0:00:42 Eli: And our podcast got shut down. It's all over. Mickey!

0:00:42 Thomas: Yeah. As good as you are at impressions, that one kind of sucked. I'll be honest with you. That I don't know, man, really?

0:00:50 Eli: That was a great mi - ho ho! That's a fucking awesome Mickey! Absolutely not. I will fucking - I will drag our podcast into the dirt, desperately trying to route a Mickey laugh through my fucking...

0:01:00 Thomas: Sounds the Pillsbury Dough boy, yeah.

0:01:04 Eli: Now you're making me doubt myself. That's absolutely... I want you to know tonight at midnight, I'm gonna be fucking Gomer Pyle sitting on a toilet toilet with a recording of Mickey Mouse laughing.

0:01:06 Thomas: I maybe you should maybe you shouldn't, yeah. You know my favorite Disney fact that I've if I had a TikTok, if I had the time to make one, I would put this in there. I, because I've been exposed to this stuff from my kids a little bit. You know, the basics, the Mickey, you all those classic characters. They're so fucking lame now, though. Like nobody, they're nothing. There's so many better Disney things that the kids are like. But here's what I love about that universe.

0:01:33 Eli: Oh No, man, you got to get into Mickey's dream house. Oh,

0:01:37 Thomas: Oh, they watch Mickey's Clubhouse and Mickey's whatever house. And those, theme songs are in my head all the time. I actually kind of like him, but here's what I love about that universe. So Donald Duck's voice, I don't know if you have that impression in you, but that one's, it's pretty good. It's impossible.

0:01:40 Eli: Yeah. Yeah, that's

0:01:54 Tom: Whoa, whoa, just like, like that.

0:01:56 Eli: What you're just doing with your mouth. Is like the first thing you do when you do impressions is Disney beep. It's Fine. It's Fine, yeah.

0:01:57 Thomas: That's a very difficult, it's really hard to do right though. Like it doesn't, I can't do it right. I don't know. I've never been able to, but so he's like, you know, talks like that. I can't do it at all. It's Impossible. That's all I got. But here's where I love. He has what? 20 fucking relatives. He's got a wife, he's got cousins, he's got he's got none of them talk like that. They all talk normal, so and they're the same species of cartoon, they're all ducks and I just love that idea that he's the only duck character that actually has that voice and everyone else is like, I don't know what the fuck he's saying, like this is the weirdest speech impediment

0:02:11 Eli: Got a ton of family yeah, nope.

0:02:35 Eli: I like to think that he like had a stroke and has severe aphasia, because if you've ever had a family member who has severe aphasia from anything, the last thing the family is willing to do is acknowledge it, so I like to think that there was a a head injury episode that got cut and put into the vault and now everyone just does that like wide-eyed thing at people when he starts to talk, right that you do

0:02:40 Thomas: Yeah

0:02:51 Tom: That's dark as fuck

0:02:54 Thomas: They meet new people and they are like shh, no, no, it's it's how he time. Yeah.

0:02:57 Eli: No it's fine he's he was going to be a doctor but now he's just Hey, fun fact about Donald Duck, and maybe, hey, sorry if this was what the episode was going to be about, because maybe now it's about this, um, you've never played the games, Kingdom Hearts, uh, Hearts is the weirdest mashup that's ever happened in video games.

It is a mashup between the Final Fantasy games, which are like if someone was into hentai about buckles, and the Disney properties and as though that wasn't already funny enough, the entire character of Donald Duck as he travels through that universe through four games now, not including the spin-offs and sequels, is him being like, what the fuck is happening his subtitles, and he just spends the the whole time being like, what the fuck is that? That's Hercules? The Greek god Hercules? None of this makes it. It's genuinely how a normal human would react to being in Kingdom Hearts universe. And I never tire of him. You'd think after four games, he'd be like, I don't know. I guess we have magic powers and we travel through space. But every time he's like, What the fuck? Is

0:03:28 Thomas: Buckles. Really?

0:03:44 Tom: I like to

0:03:53 Thomas: That's amazing.

0:04:07 Thomas: Maybe

0:04:07 Eli: That every time?

0:04:08 Thomas: That's part of the stroke. Like in the Disney universe, a stroke put him into like our universe. So he's like, what, what is this?

0:04:13 Eli: Yes.

0:04:15 Tom: Like to imagine literally none can understand him at all. Like just like even in their universe it's just like, "Okay, there it's a duck again." Yeah, and he's just screaming.

0:04:17 Thomas: Yeah. Daisy's voice is literally like an actress from the forties. That's like what her voice is. It's clear as could be. I

0:04:27 Eli: Mm Mm hmm. Trans -American, yeah, absolutely, yeah.

0:04:32 Tom: Okay, but wait a minute. Now, we got to have, because this is like a pretty important debate to have. And I think we need to have it right here. In terms of just raw entertainment, it's Looney Tunes by a mile over Disney. Like, what are you talking? Like, it is not even close.

0:04:43 Thomas: Don't remember the difference, I'll be honest.

0:04:45 Tom: Looney Toons, Bugs Bunny, Elmer Fudd, Daffy Duck.

0:04:47 Thomas: Oh,

0:04:41 Eli: Of course, for sure, no, That's Looney Tunes are like jerking off, and Disney is like blankets, right? Like, yeah, I want blankets on my bed, but if I'm choosing between the two, it's cold out there, babies, you know what I'm saying, like, yeah, there's no, I don't think there's even a competition between the two, no,

0:05:01 Tom: It's thank you. Yeah, it isn't even remotely close. Yeah, Looney

0:05:03 Eli: While we're complaining about Disney properties and before I, I make fun of our audio ads, I have something to talk about that is very important to me, but you know what? The conversation went there and I need to speak my truth. I need to be radically vulnerable. Hey, they should rename Tigger. And here's why. My son fucking loves Tigger and he loves listening to stories about Tigger, and so he, in his sing -songy beautiful little voice, just yells Tigger on a real regular basis.

0:05:32 Eli: And everyone looks face and sometimes they're like, hey, what that kid just say? And so I have to be like, oh, you want to watch another Tiger story?

0:05:19 Thomas: Hmm. Yeah. Mm -hmm. Yeah, yep, yep, yeah. Ta! Ta!

0:05:32 Tom: It's not good news.

0:05:43 Eli: Just watering everyone's lawns. Why, why did no one in A.A. Milne's life be like, hey, man, I love your adorable stories about your bear friend and Christopher Robin, do do you know that you can't have a pig named Trike, right? You can't do it. It's one sound off the worst word. We're just going to stay away from that.

0:05:44 Thomas: Yeah. Yep, no, agreed. It resolved.

0:06:11 Tom: I'm going to give you a copy of Huck Finn just to review kind of why this might be.

0:06:14 Eli: Yeah, and then you...

0:06:15 Thomas: I was going to say, in this time period, it probably started off as that, like that was his name. And then they're like, well,

0:06:16 Tom: Yeah.

0:06:20 Eli: So I actually did some research into that because I was like, oh, I want to talk about that. And I did not find that he originally was called that because that was my fear, right, is I was going to... Oh, no, in the first edition, tradition.

0:06:23 Thomas: Yeah. You never fucking know. Oh,

0:06:30 Tom: Oh, my God. That would be dark as fuck.

0:06:32 Eli: Tigger and the Jigaboo Bears? Oh, no, that's where they do a tap dance for and he hits them. He hits them all at the end.

0:06:35 Tom: Holy Shit. Oh.

0:06:39 Thomas: My God. Jesus.

0:06:42 Eli: It's a real problematic.

0:06:42 Tom: My God, Christopher Robbins minstrel show, yeah, welcome kids. Holy Shit, sure.

0:06:46 Eli: No, to be the case is that Christopher Robin, who's based on a real kid, called his tiger Tigger, and the The book, if you've read it, and I've now heard it on tape eight billion times, is very clearly like a dad using his kids' malaprops to make funny stories, right? So there's like the, and they're great and they'RE adorable, but

0:06:56 Tom: Yeah. Yeah.

0:07:08 Thomas: Yeah. Which is great. But when your kids are white supremacists, then, you know.

0:07:14 Eli: Well, I just needed A .A. Milne the first time his kid said Tigger to be like, it's actually pronounced Tiger, kiddo. Anyways, uh, One day, Binky Bunky and Squinky Squunky, we're walking through the floor, like, I just I needed a moment of seriousness, yeah.

0:07:19 Thomas: Yeah, yeah, yeah. His name should be jumpy. I don't know. Just some anything else. Yeah anything else?

0:07:30 Tom: Right,

0:07:29 Eli: Exact hoppers. Anything, literally anything, but anything but Tigger. And the actual slur is what his name should have been so

0:07:37 Thomas: Yeah, yeah,

0:07:37 Tom: What, is it a Poo Bear then, like, how does that mail it like, like, yeah, like a, I, bear named shit, this is just the shit, bear

0:07:39 Thomas: That's weird, as, well, did he take a shit on his bear one day, yeah, Winnie

0:07:45 Eli: His name is, oh, fuck, I've heard it eight billion times, his is Robert bear, or poo For short.

0:07:49 Thomas: The Pooh, oh,

0:07:50 Tom: Winnie the Pooh. Like, it's weird that he's the Pouh. Like, that makes him sound like he's a Pooh, like, yeah, his name is Winnie, it' s not actually Pooh!

0:07:54 Thomas: Yeah, it makes it sound like I like that,

0:07:53 Eli: Yeah, he loves yeah,

0:08:00 Thomas: It's like a royalty almost, you know, oh, he's Winnie of the poos, yeah, I think he's a duke

0:08:03 Eli: The poo yeah, like he's a rapper with

0:08:04 Tom: Like, the Poah, right, yeah. Like, Winnie of the Poot, yeah right, from the Toilet Kingdom, yeah,

0:08:07 Thomas: Yeah, yeah, his fiefdom is the, yeah, yeah,

0:08:07 Eli: With with a reputation yeah, also I love this. And you find it on iTunes. In the original book, whenever you talk about honey, um, I know I say this a lot, but I promise it's true, he goes into a psychosexual fugue state. And I, look, he really does, though, right? There are two separate stories where someone's like, and then I'll get some honey, and he's like, oh, fucking honey, and that's, and they have to be like, Poo, stop it, man, stop, go to therapy, go to therapy, and stay at therapy until you can hear the word honey.

0:08:26 Thomas: No, that's this is true. Yeah.

0:08:40 Thomas: And sometimes other characters bring him, honey. And I'm wondering what that means. You know, they're like, we got to get him his fucking fix. Yeah.

0:08:44 Eli: That's a weird look. Sometimes you need someone to feed your kinks, but

0:08:47 Tom: Hey, you start by rubbing the feet, you know what I mean, like, you got to do what you got, it's

0:08:51 Eli: Exactly. And you know the only thing worse than slathering Pooh's feet in honey, for his darkest passenger, why, that's the auto ads, our dark passenger.

0:08:59 Tom: The sweetest, least corrupted thing, and you fucked up.

0:09:05 Thomas: Yeah.

0:09:07 Eli: And yes, the auto ads, they are truly the foot fetish jammed into children's literature, that almost, the straight up racial slur of our podcast, podcast.

0:09:14 Thomas: The almost a racial slur of things.

0:09:22 Eli: If I had to choose between, I

0:09:21 Thomas: Oh,

0:09:21 Tom: Oh, no, come on, what are you saying,

0:09:24 Thomas: No, no. Edit editing.

0:09:26 Eli: Would choose the auto ads.

0:09:26 Tom: Right now.

0:09:27 Eli: I would choose the audio ads. You can't shut it off. Don't be mad. Don't be mad, I'd choose the auto-ads, but I don't like them.

0:09:27 Thomas: Yeah. Okay. Okay.

0:09:31 Tom: But He Chooses It just barely, guys, It's Just barely.

0:09:33 Eli: Yeah, I'm not, look, the distance? Problematic. I'll say that. I'll save that. If you want to cancel me for how far the auto ads wins by, that's on you. And you can undo that terrible discrescence by going to patreon.com/dearolddads, where for as little as a dollar, you can give us money, get a commercial-free version of the show with a parenting story at the end, when Tom feels like it, as well as A monthly bonus episode. Sometimes it's Ask Me Anything. Sometimes we just talk about stuff. Whatever it is, it's there for patrons over at patreon.com/dearolddads. ads right So, gentlemen, the reason I brought us together today in the name of Disney is I was listening to NPR over Thanksgiving because I am a white person, and uh, there was a really good show called It's Been a Minute, which

0:09:59 Tom: Okay.

0:10:23 Tom: How is Ira Flato, by the way, good,

0:10:29 Eli: Yeah, oh, he's great, he's fantastic, it's always good to see him over the tofurkey. Um, there's a really Good show called It's Been a Minute that It was all about hatred for Disney adults. And I don't know where we're going with this one, but the specific example of hatred for Disney adults they had was this Am I the Asshole post, which I thought I would read to you and get your opinion on, because I have two piping hot takes on this one.

0:10:53 Thomas: Love it.

0:10:54 Eli: Yeah. So the post. Am I The Asshole for not catering at my wedding? Wedding, my and my fiance just got married two months ago, and we had our dream wedding, everything was perfect, and I mean everything. My parents and his parents helped us pay for a great chunk of the wedding so we could be debt free, and we are so eternally grateful for that. The issue arose about a month and a half ago when my aunt started posting on Facebook about how disappointed she was with with the whole ordeal, and a few guests sided with her. Background: fiancé and I are huge Disney fans,

0:10:54 Tom: Oh, two Hot takes, all right. Holy

0:10:55 Thomas: Double canceled catering. Huh?

0:11:32 Thomas: Ah,

0:11:33 Eli: And we travel to Disney World as much as we can throughout the year. Disney is such an important part not only to us, but also our marriage. The issue was with our decision to not offer catering or bar services at our wedding due to routing the money towards having a wedding Minnie and Mickey make an appearance at our special day. The cost to have both Minnie and Minnie for a good chunk of time, 30 minutes, was almost exactly what our parents had allotted for our catering budget, so we scheduled an appearance during our first dance and our wedding photos, foregoing serving food, though there were plenty of facilities at the venue where people could eat. My parents are still very supportive of us, but everyone else is being passive -aggressive about it on Facebook. Am I the asshole?

0:11:33 Thomas: Wow. Huh. Wow.

0:12:04 Tom: Shit Oh My God

0:12:23 Eli: And there's two edits on here. Edit one, to those asking if guests were warned, we clearly outlined in the invitations that there was food available at the venue. We didn't exactly spell out every restaurant's menu, but it was certainly mentioned. There were also vending machines available throughout. Edit two, for everyone saying that it's too much for 30 minutes, I want to clarify that it was two 30 -minute sessions on different days.

0:12:24 Thomas: Holy shit. Ah,

0:12:45 Tom: Oh, That changes it, I think.

0:12:52 Eli: $2,750 was the cost for one session.

0:12:56 Thomas: That's Not gonna buy you catering at a wedding, right? I mean, am I crazy? I thought stuff was more expensive than That, no, whatever

0:13:01 Eli: I think it's double that. So it's like five, whatever that number is times two. And I refuse to do the math. Gentlemen, thoughts. Because I have a take so fucking hot, I could spill it on my lap and sue McDonald's. Let me throw you.

0:13:04 Thomas: Oh okay okay Gotcha, wow. Sure Can I get a clarification? What do we think about, like, did says they took, you know, the parent's budget for the catering, just, are we under the impression that like they kind of trick the parents at all, you know, like, "Oh, here's the money for food," but, ah, we're actually doing this thing with it, or, but they say they warned people, so that, that makes me think like they couldn't have pulled a fast one on the parents, right? If it was okay,

0:13:34 Eli: I think the parents were just like, here's how much money. This is the budgeting we've done. And they were like, cool, we'll spend that how we want to spend it. That's what I'm reading into it.

0:13:41 Thomas: Okay Oh, I

0:13:43 Tom: Didn't explicitly spell out, I just, I guess like I'm still not 100% clear if they explicitly spelled out that would not be feeding their guests, because if you go to a wedding, you think you're getting fed, like, that's just, just normal. That's so normalized that I would attend the wedding without eating before I got there. And then if I got there and I didn't bring cash or fucking wallet or whatever, I'm not going to go like feed myself a bunch of fucking like peanut M &Ms or whatever and be like, yeah, great great, party you threw for me. I really appreciate you inviting me to your go to the vending machine party. To be honest, it sounds like they threw kind of a shitty wedding wedding be blunt.

0:13:59 Thomas: For a vending machine,

0:14:05 Eli: Yeah. Go boop yourself some Chex Mix.

0:14:20 Thomas: Yeah. Yeah.

0:14:20 Tom: Like to me, it sounds like they threw a shitty wedding that would be no fun to go to and be very annoying. And I wouldn't want to attend. And yeah, I think it's a little bit, are they the asshole? No. Are they bad at having a party for other people? They're super bad at Having a party For other people. Like, right.

0:14:20 Eli: Yeah. Let's

0:14:34 Thomas: Yeah. Four.

0:14:37 Eli: Well, I'm so glad you said that, Tom, because that brings me to spicy take number one, which is, whoomphed is your wedding for, right? What we have to assume. Because if they didn't warn guests, absolutely, you're the asshole, right. Whenever there's a food event and you surprise people with not food, you're the asshole.

0:14:46 Thomas: Yeah. Yeah.

0:14:56 Eli: Like, by definition, no matter what the event is.

0:14:56 Thomas: For. Sure, okay, we All Agree. There Yeah.

0:14:57 Tom: Absolutely. Yeah.

0:14:58 Eli: So let's assume that the invitation, you pull it out and it says, there will be no food. And then you pull It out a little more and it Says, at Melissa and Kyle's wedding. In that situation, my spicy hot take is, a wedding is not for your guests. It is entirely for you and whatever insane, selfish, horrible thing you want to do at your wedding, your family's only job is to grin and bear it and never tell you how much they hated it.

0:15:12 Tom: What?

0:15:33 Thomas: Oh, wow, wow.

0:15:35 Tom: That's that is is so extreme. Like I'm like most of the way I'm here's the thing. I'm part of the way there with you, but you're so insane. Of course. I miss that. Like, I'm like, okay,

0:15:35 Thomas: Yeah. Well,

0:15:42 Eli: Tom, if you decided to have a parachute wedding, I would have gone to your parachute wedding and fucking jumped out of a plane and been like zip. I would've ziplined.

0:15:52 Tom: What if it was zip lining? You

0:15:55 Eli: I I would absolutely, one

0:15:55 Tom: Would have ziplined for me. We're friends like that. Oh, I feel I feel so good right now.

0:15:57 Eli: Billion percent, absolutely, I would have been on that

0:16:01 Tom: I feel loved right now

0:16:01 Eli: Boring, slow little wire being like, beautiful.

0:16:00 Thomas: Okay. But Let Me add this wrinkle: even if you take that on board, you can still judge people for what they like. Like, if my wedding was like, "All right, human sacrifice at my wedding, it's my day, I want a human sacrifice," I could still be the asshole for that's being the the thing that I want. Right. And this is closer to the human sacrifice end of the spectrum than the zip lining side for me.

0:16:19 Eli: Sure.

0:16:25 Tom: It is a little worse. Yeah, it is a little worse I if you invite somebody to something you anytime you invite anyone to anything, you have some responsibility to their comfort and their happiness, right? Or don't invite somebody to it. So I actually kind of disagree with you, Eli. I hear what you're saying. I think you can have a theme wedding and get wacky. I had a wedding that didn't have a lot of the normal, and you guys were there and have a lot of normal bells and whistles that many weddings have. We didn't have like a DJ for the dancing.

0:16:26 Eli: I

0:16:51 Tom: We Didn't have like speeches.

0:16:27 Thomas: Yeah. Oh, you guys hired a fucking magician. I remember that.

0:16:53 Tom: I had A fucking cheap magician

0:16:54 Eli: Was the worst. Yeah, I don't t know why you got that guy.

0:16:55 Tom: That, you know, I didn't even pay for.

0:16:56 Thomas: One of my favorite things, Eli, amazing Eli. I don't even know how you do it. Your mentalism stuff, you put so much work in to do this trick, and the trick, I don't know if it's okay to tell, Eli, I have no idea but of course, Eli's amazing mentalism is he hands some people a book, and and somehow I forget exactly how the trick goes, but the magic is, you know, what any fucking line in the book, if you give them a page and they can whatever, and in that transaction I don't know who has the harder job. You, who have to somehow know everything in an entire book by page number and remember where it is and all that, or the people who have to hold a book and say something. And the person who ruined that trick was not you. It was literally, they messed up, and you had to incorporate into your magic trick. Um, are you sure that

0:17:08 Eli: Of course, yeah.

0:17:49 Tom: Don't

0:17:49 Thomas: You're looking at the right page of the book that you are holding, and I have memorized, and they were like, oh yeah, whoops, which is unbelievable to me it was the funniest thing, yeah.

0:17:50 Tom: Even remember this

0:17:56 Eli: Yeah. Yeah. Well,

0:18:01 Tom: The part is I don't even remember that I don't even remember that oh

0:18:05 Thomas: Yeah Oh,

0:18:06 Eli: Important that's mystique was in touch. It will, yeah.

0:18:08 Thomas: It makes it better I'm, it made your wedding that, I'm glad that happened. It's fucking hilarious, like the idea that you've done all this work memorizing and it's just absolutely ruined by the person who can't read the book that they're holding. Oh,

0:18:10 Eli: For sure my, my favorite magical event at that wedding, not to make it about my magic skill, it was Aislinn was young enough at that point that she was enjoying magic, and so I just, I did a thing where I roll up a napkin, and you do this for little kids and you give them a napking, and they tear it into little pieces, and then when they hand it back to you, you switch them, and you're like, blow, and then they undo the napkin and they restore the napking, you just throw it over their head because they're kids and they're stupid. I did that 97 times for Aislinn throughout the course of the night, whenever she came over, I just had another napkin balled up in my pocket, and it was the best it was the

0:18:29 Thomas: Yeah saw this as well you know, a

0:18:30 Tom: Yeah unlike us

0:18:49 Thomas: Hundred times, yeah. The best so good absolutely amazing

0:19:00 Eli: Best

0:19:01 Thomas: I, I witnessed that as well. It's so exactly how you're telling it too, it was. She just kept being like, hold on. I think she would form different theories. Like, no, okay, now do it. And you just do the same thing again. So good.

0:19:09 Tom: Yeah, I remember that, yeah.

0:19:11 Eli: Yeah. It was phenomenal. Okay, so yes, I think look, here's the thing, I think that if you invite people to an event, any event except a wedding, that's True, I

0:19:24 Tom: Okay, all right, so this is a carve -out. This is a curve -out, so we're on the same page. If you come to my house, I have a responsibility to you to make you comfortable.

0:19:31 Eli: Course, Yeah, No, You gotta have no-

0:19:25 Thomas: Yeah. I disagree. I Eli's take. I think that if you're going to have your wedding just for you, don't invite anyone. Like, if it's really just foryou, elope have your own private thing. If you're inviting people, I'm not saying it's all for them, But I think it's significantly for them. Like Like, that's why they're there. Otherwise, why the fuck are...

0:19:40 Tom: Kind of there with you, man. Yeah,

0:19:51 Eli: I'm holding my ground, I'm standing my ground here, deeply to

0:19:52 Thomas: Okay. All right.

0:19:53 Tom: Yeah, I think you can do wacky shit and have, like, a theme wedding and, like... Spend all your money on Minnie and Mickey Mouse to show up for seven seconds instead of eating food.

0:19:55 Thomas: Yep. Yep. Oh, God.

0:20:02 Eli: Show up dressed keep in mind, they're dressed as wedding Mickey and Minnie, right? So for some reason, they're also getting married on your wedding night. Or

0:20:06 Thomas: Oh, that's... Yeah. That's a premium. Yeah.

0:20:05 Tom: Oh, Yeah, So yeah. So, I think like you have a pirate wedding or whatever fucking thing you want to do, that's totally fine. Let people know in advance if you're having a theme wedding though, because it's fucking weird if you don't.

0:20:12 Thomas: Corporate... Bridezilla. Yeah.

0:20:21 Eli: Don't let the people who suck know, which is the funniest prank a buddy of mine did at his Ren Faire themed wedding. He has a shitty uncle who's a Trumper and his revenge is he just did not tell him that it was a Ren Faires themed wedding and every photo is this fucking guy Dave Dave in a three -piece suit looking absolutely livid while he's surrounded by reindeers and fairies.

0:20:35 Thomas: Oh, my God. That's incredible.

0:20:46 Eli: It rules.

0:20:44 Thomas: That's amazing. That's Amazing. I would say... Look, I don't want to turn into Dave Ramsey. But look, weddings are expensive things. Lydia and I found a way to spend almost no money by having a very small wedding and doing, you know, most things ourselves. We did it on the cheap because both kind of decided like we'd rather be able to, you know, try to afford a house down payment, than spend a billion dollars on a wedding. I mean, people spend obscene amounts of money.

0:21:10 Thomas: If you are a couple in a situation where you literally cannot afford, like you're giving up food in order to have, you know, furries come and do this for you. I think maybe don't. Like, I think if the question is, hey, we want to have a wedding that will have food and Mickey and Minnie, we're not even having this conversation. We're like, yeah, okay, fucking whatever. Yeah. That's weird, but it's the fact that you literally gave up food, which is a pretty key element of

0:21:10 Tom: Yeah, they do

0:21:21 Eli: Mm -hmm. Yeah, of course. Ah,

0:21:41 Thomas: A wedding for this.

0:21:42 Tom: That's like the key element that's

0:21:43 Thomas: Yeah.

0:21:44 Eli: Let me, here, let my throw this at you. Go to the vending machine, Uncle Phil. You know what I'm saying? Like, I'm, don't

0:21:46 Thomas: Yeah. Go to the vending machine.

0:21:45 Tom: The thing like it's I got all that's left is like a pack of double McGum that's how they put their back in the 80s by the time

0:21:55 Eli: Exactly. Yeah, Aunt Edna just fucking went through. She's got four Chex Mixes. Just intertwined in between each finger. You got a fighter during the electric slide.

0:21:58 Tom: You you got a fucking Charleston chew from the 70s

0:22:01 Thomas: God.

0:22:06 Eli: Yeah, exactly. But here's my thing, right? Because here's how I feel about other people's weddings, right. And I'm going admit, I have a little bit of ingrained sexism when I say this. I think a wedding is one of the only nice things that society does for women ever. Ever and only sometimes like is the only time a woman is allowed to say, it is my day and traditional patriarchy is like, yeah, no, it is her day for the rest of her life, they're like, it's not your right.

0:22:24 Thomas: That's fair. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

0:22:38 Eli: We get mad when it's fucking Mother's Day, we're like, why isn't it kids' day? And it's like, I just wanted to eat breakfast in bed once. So for me, it's like, look, you're not gonna, gonna remember Uncle Phil fucking tearing into a shitty underdone water-cooked ribeye, but if you're a Mickey pervert and your dream is to dance your first dance next to Mickey and Minnie, I'm like, fucking yeah, do it, do it right. Shouldn't you just do it more than you should feed Uncle Phill? Uncle Phil will be fine, he could get a Charleston Chew, we've all been hungry, it's

0:22:59 Thomas: Man.

0:23:17 Tom: I know, man, like I don't, a wedding has so many other pieces attached to it, yes, is like, I'm going to show up to a wedding, I'm gonna, I'm gonna travel to the wedding probably, or I'm at least gonna drive there, I might put myself up in a hotel, I'm gonna have nice clothes, I'm, I'm going to bring a gift. I'm gonna do all this stuff as a guest. Then for them to be like, yeah, I didn't give a fuck if you were comfortable or not. I don't know. Fuck you. Like that feels like, all right, well, why did you invite me then? Like, just go and do some thing. Go elope to Disney World, elope, to Disney World all day long.

0:23:23 Eli: Not my priority I

0:23:49 Thomas: Yeah. There you go. Have your

0:23:50 Tom: Like go do your thing. Right. But like the fact that you've asked me to be there says like, you want me to Be a part of it. And that's an exchange. That's not just this like one way thing where it's like, stand here and watch. Here and watch in the corner.

0:23:51 Thomas: Wedding there.

0:24:04 Tom: Like, that feels weird to me.

0:24:04 Eli: Feel like it is like Here's the thing, maybe this is it, right? Weddings to me are, stand in the corner and watch us kiss. This is a religious leader we've met twice. We don't believe in God at all, but he's gonna bless us from his best friend Jesus, and then we're gonna kiss, and and everyone's going to go, "Woo." So, like, if you add Minnie and take away my lunch, I get it. You know what I'm saying? We're already at the altar of Oman Ra. Stab me in the chest while we're up here. You know What I'm Saying?

0:24:12 Thomas: Yeah, yeah. Yep.

0:24:31 Tom: Do you well, hang on a second, because this, do you like going to weddings? I fucking love going to wedding.

0:24:39 Thomas: Huh.

0:24:39 Eli: I love going to weddings with one major exception. And it's going To Be a Statement.

0:24:45 Thomas: Mine. No,

0:24:45 Tom: If it's my wedding, I know where you live.

0:24:46 Thomas: I'm just kidding. Yeah.

0:24:48 Eli: No, no, no. I loved your wedding. Your wedding was great. There's one wedding that I hate going to. Do. I'd have to go to it all the time. I'm constantly, I

0:24:57 Thomas: Jeez, how many times has this guy gagging me. Yeah.

0:25:00 Eli: To so many weddings like this, but I also, when I was working as a magician, I saw so many winnings like this. Which was the wedding that was very clearly like, well, I guess the next step is we get married, huh? And me explain what I mean.

0:25:12 Tom: Oh, God.

0:25:14 Thomas: So depressing.

0:25:14 Eli: There's this moment where everyone's like, "We're actually really cool. We don't care what you wear to our wedding. We're actually really cool, we're having it outside in the park, and look, if you're poor and can't afford a nice wedding, fuck yeah, get, get at your local swimming pool, kick those toddlers out of their floaty class and do it." This is not about money spent, this, because I've seen six figure weddings with this where it's just like, I don't know, the theme is wedding and it's about us and we're, I guess, getting married or something, like the wedding where the theme is just, now we're married, I skin crawls, like I can't deal with it.

Give me a Wiccan aunt to stand up and read an invocation and burn some sage, I'm all the way back in again. Right, a bridesmaid get up and give a toast about a threesome, you got me, I'm back again. But if you could be kidnapped the morning of your wedding and two other people could be placed in your shoes and have that wedding, I don't want to be there. I hated it. I hate it, every minute of it. Our wedding was too wacky, now I'll throw that out there. My wedding was two wacky, it had a chocolate fountain. It did not have any water.

0:25:40 Thomas: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

0:26:28 Eli: It didn't have an open bar. Those bars just did not have water for sale.

0:26:28 Tom: So. Oh, my

0:26:33 Thomas: Wow. OK, well, you're the asshole, I guess, is the answer. Is the asshole. Yeah? How

0:26:34 Tom: God.

0:26:37 Eli: Okay. To up to me like fucking the guy in the mask from man I assumed I was like, we're paying for open bar, and they were like, that doesn't include water. And I was like, okay, do I give you money now for water, and they're like, nah man, water takes planning, and I was like, it does take planning, that's true.

0:26:40 Tom: I think you assume the water. I assume water.

0:26:53 Eli: I guess everyone will be vodka drunk at my wedding, and indeed they were.

0:26:52 Thomas: Does that not include water?

0:27:01 Eli: The clearest liquid available. I

0:26:55 Tom: Yeah. Oh my God, so When I think about a wedding, though, like, I'm thinking mostly, I guess, maybe this is me, but I'm thinking mostly about the reception, not the ceremony. Like, the ceremony is usually a big mad that you sort of tolerate in order to get to the fun part, which is the big, party, like the big fucking reception. So I love that part. And the wedding, where they stand up there and everyone's like, I love you, I love you, and it's like, all right, well, I kind of assumed that, but like let's have the party, like let's go, let's dance, let's turn on the music, like let's have a couple of free drinks, like, always a great time, I absolutely love going to a wedding. And one of the things that I hate about being like 45 is everyone's married now, there's like, no, weddings in your, yeah, but

0:27:14 Thomas: Mm hmm. Oh,

0:27:24 Eli: Love that part they're all married. Yeah, there's

0:27:39 Thomas: You know, know, there's divorce though, there's the second or third round of marriage.

0:27:42 Eli: Divorce and And, oh,

0:27:42 Thomas: Yeah.

0:27:42 Tom: I haven't been to a wedding in forever at this point.

0:27:44 Eli: Tom, have you not been to a second wedding to a baby yet?

0:27:48 Tom: Wedding to a baby.

0:27:49 Eli: Yes. This is a beautiful beautiful, rite of passage in every man's life, which is your friend who marries another adult, divorces that adult. And you're like, oh man, I'm really sorry. And he's like, yeah. I'm going to marry a baby now. And you'RE like, Oh no, please, please don't make me come to a party with you and a baby in a little baby dress.

0:27:49 Thomas: This kind of came up. Yeah. Last

0:27:49 Tom: Oh

0:28:07 Eli: And then I have to meet her parents who are our fucking age, and stare into her dad's eyes, which are absolutely blank and filled with the water of civility and regret, and her friends are like, college is fucking hard, and I'm like, hey, I gotta get the fuck out of this building or I am gonna jump. It's uh, I will say, I'm gonna say, it's better than the first wedding, it's significantly better than the first wedding. I mean, I don't even know if I could tell that the chances of the friend who this story is about listening to this show are super duper minute, and I think I can tell it in a way that I won't get in trouble even if he does so Yeah.

0:28:07 Thomas: Yeah yeah oh

0:28:34 Tom: All

0:28:38 Thomas: 100, yeah, do it do it, tell it tell the whole thing tell the entire thing now.

0:28:57 Tom: First, last name, and social security number to lead in, though.

0:28:59 Thomas: Eli it's cool, Tom doesn't listen to the show, it's fine.

0:29:01 Eli: One that's true, yeah, exactly, one of my closest buddies got married to another adult. He's an adult, she's an adult, so not marrying a baby story, although I have stories from marrying a baby.

0:29:04 Tom: It's only partially true.

0:29:06 Thomas: Yeah

0:29:12 Tom: This does sound like it's leading into me already.

0:29:12 Eli: Uh, married an adult, they marry an adult, but she is a party girl, and I don't know if you know this about me, not so much a party girl, and neither are any of his friends. So we're waiting, meeting outside the reception. And the guy who was sort of running the reception, who is the liaison, we're standing there. So there's our wedding party on one side, magic nerds, and her wedding party on the other side, I'm going to go ahead and say, cool kids who rock. Right.

0:29:42 Thomas: Probably don't do a lot of magic, I would say, yeah.

0:29:45 Eli: And exactly. They do zero magic. Uh, guy comes out and he's like, all right, guys, look, we have a no shots policy at this venue, but if you're doing a shot with a bride or a groom tonight, you can do shots. And her side fucking goes, why, they're like, they're so excited, and he turns to us for us to reflect any joy, and we had to be like, oh yummers, absolutely, oh I'll definitely, small alcohol but strong, can't wait, yummers, yes, absolutely, we'll we'll be doing, we'll be doing shots.

0:29:45 Thomas: Yeah.

0:30:16 Tom: You're just going to make those shots disappear.

0:30:22 Eli: I am not playing candy crush.

0:30:22 Tom: Is this your shot?

0:30:23 Eli: Yeah.

0:30:25 Thomas: I also cannot imagine a group of magicians without the Arrested Development "We Demand to Be Taken Seriously" sign in front of them.

0:30:32 Eli: Truly.

0:30:32 Thomas: I hope you guys have that at all times.

0:30:33 Eli: If you had seen the photos from this wedding, where he made us all be in one photo and no other photos, you would understand we were rightfully cast aside where we belong. Um,

0:30:41 Tom: What?

0:30:44 Thomas: I bet you wouldn't guess this, but I agree with Tom's enjoyment of weddings. Weddings, I kind of, yeah, yeah. So weirdly, kind of, yeah. Like, I, I think that there is an element of, one, something that makes me the most uncomfortable in life is, I'm trying to put words to it, but it's like witnessing when other people aren't like there, like they're not real. And one of those things is in wedding ceremonies, when you can tell the dude doesn't, never felt emotion or, you complete.

0:31:16 Eli: Yes.

0:31:16 Thomas: He's just a, he's just an Android, but then he has to try to do like the love stuff. Cause that's what you do at weddings. And is this uncanny Valley of humanity that that makes me so like physically traumatizes me for some reason, I don't know why.

0:31:23 Eli: Dude vows. I

0:31:33 Thomas: Like, I the

0:31:32 Eli: Love it dude vials are the fucking best, they're the, because they're, they're, I want to sit on the mom of the groom's lap and be like, so do you think you did a good job, you heard you heard the blowjob joke he made just now while he was telling a woman how much he loved her, did you like that, did you think, when you were holding him and

0:31:43 Thomas: Yeah yeah and she'll never make me miss a Knicks game, and you're like

0:31:54 Eli: And you're just like, oh fuck yeah, like get him, get the mom, and just grab her face and be like, this is her day and you ruined it, you, you could have loved him enough that he wouldn't have said that, but you fucked up, and now you have to watch it, you have watch it while I sit on your lap. I fucking love that, one of my favorite moments ever was, uh, you guys seen that TikTok of the guy who just makes sex jokes the entire time in his wedding vows, these are fuck, I'm gonna find the text, I'm, and Lydia, you're gonna edit this, but the inappropriate wedding vows, this

0:32:24 Thomas: Of wedding no, I don' t think so, man.

0:32:24 Tom: In his wedding? No, uh -uh, no, oh good lord, no,

0:32:34 Thomas: Maybe, I, I bet

0:32:36 Tom: I don't know this at all.

0:32:36 Thomas: Lydia knows what it is, is so excited about a TikTok that we are introducing a new component to our show on the fly that we never have, which is, I'm going to play a clip, that's how much Eli likes this TikTok.

0:32:49 Eli: Gotta play this clip, you gotta to play this clip it's I promise

0:32:52 Thomas: Hold

0:32:53 Eli: It's, where I promise, it's worth it, I promise, this will kill Tom, this will kill our friend Tom, I promise, I

0:32:59 Tom: Oh holy

0:33:01 Clip: The Groom said this early in the Wedding Day, Anything You want to Say to Your Future Bride? I Hope We Have a Lot of Sex. A Lot. I should have known his vows were going to go like this. You're screwed. Only two things are required to keep me happy, keep my belly full and my balls empty.

0:33:12 Tom: Shit oh

0:33:22 Thomas: Jesus Christ.

0:33:23 Tom: My lord.

0:33:23 Clip: While you're amazing at half of it, we really need to get you some cooking lessons. Even when my belly isn't full, there is no one I could ever love more in this lifetime, unless I actually get a chance to meet Margot Robbie. Since the beginning, I was always told, life gets even better when the kids fall asleep and you tell me to come to the bedroom.

0:33:23 Tom: Oh my god oh

0:33:23 Thomas: What

0:33:39 Tom: My God, oh,

0:33:46 Thomas: No.

0:33:46 Clip: Nothing's better than the sound of gagging and headboard slamming. P .S.

0:33:50 Tom: My my God.

0:33:51 Clip: Since you're so good at making decisions, like marry and me, you can choose whether tonight's going to end with being a toaster straight away or a Twinkie.

0:34:02 Eli: That's his wedding. That's

0:34:05 Tom: That's the worst person that's ever been alive.

0:34:06 Clip: Alright,

0:34:07 Eli: The worst human that's

0:34:07 Clip: Being that I am his mom. I will deal with him later, he is grounded by all means

0:34:12 Eli: Him his mom, it's

0:34:14 Thomas: But this, this isn't real, though, this is just AI.

0:34:16 Eli: 100 real, it went viral and he was like, I'm sorry, I didn't think it would be a big deal, that the best moment of that video is, you can hear, hear it if you listen carefully, is the mom goes, "Michael," she just says his name involuntarily.

0:34:16 Thomas: No, yeah yeah yeah. Yeah.

0:34:29 Tom: Yeah.

0:34:31 Eli: Like when, when people are trying to stop a car, right, where they're like, stop, stop, stop, stop, right, when they're not driving, that's what she tries to do with her son. No, his wedding's about her.

0:34:31 Tom: Okay.

0:34:36 Thomas: God. Don't. That. Yeah.

0:34:41 Tom: So Eli, Eli, let's go back real quick. Eli, his wedding is about him. Their wedding is About Them. It's not about their wedding. They can have any kind of wedding they want. They get even this one, even this funny lie, but

0:34:48 Eli: Okay. Here's the thing, though, if if you right, because that's a surprise if you were like, hey, our theme of our wedding is the worst, is the thing that's worse than Hitler, when I showed up and saw that, I'd be like, you know what,

0:34:59 Thomas: I'm a sociopath. Yeah.

0:35:02 Tom: What if they still had chicken and pasta, because they still had chicken, god

0:35:08 Thomas: Yeah.

0:35:10 Eli: Yeah, mixed peas now. You guys have that in your, I think about that 20,000 times a day.

0:35:10 Tom: Damn, I saw in the comments on that video, she's like, no, this isn't a red flag, we've been married for 10 years, is she commented like, on, on there, like, no, no, it's

0:35:26 Thomas: That. Wait.

0:35:24 Eli: Yes, no, it's fine, no, so they had been together, I read everything about this story, because I was like, I needed to know every detail.

0:35:26 Thomas: We've been married. This happened 10 years ago. What? Well, they were re. Let's get them on the show.

0:35:27 Tom: Fine,

0:35:35 Eli: If They had a cameo where they were like, you can pay us a a thousand dollars and just ask us questions, I would do it. I'd be like, great, yeah, um, we'll talk to you for 10 billion hours about the choices you made on your wife's special day. I than make those jokes, and I, I made jokes on the altar rather than making those jokes if they were like, we're gonna saw trap you and fucking saw through your arm with a fucking cheese cutter while you do your vows, or you have to say, there's nothing better than the sound of gagging and headboards banging, I'd be like, aim for the right, baby, like there's no fucking, I would put a tourniquet on myself, huh. I

0:35:35 Thomas: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Think this is some, a kid who has too much self -esteem. There, I said it. How,

0:35:58 Tom: Well, Doesn't

0:36:19 Eli: Thought

0:36:20 Thomas: How would you possibly think that this is a good idea? There's no, no one told this, dude, this no, or something. No one ever said like, Hey man, no ever in his whole life.

0:36:31 Tom: Hayley and I wrote our own vows. I, like, I also think like some people just, and it's probably most, just should not write their own vrows like people that like could not like, if you look and you're like, Like, hey, Haley's

0:36:37 Thomas: Oh yeah. A hundred percent.

0:36:40 Eli: Haley's vows were lovely Tom, very unkind of you, sure.

0:36:43 Tom: Vows are great, but some people write at the sixth grade level. You know what I mean? Like, if you don't like to write, if in your life you do not do any writing, and you don'T like to write, and all through high school, you're like, oh, fucking writing assignment again, maybe just read the vows somebody else wrote, you know? But,

0:36:56 Eli: Right

0:36:56 Thomas: Look, that's, that'S an okay point to make when they're like, Like, roses are red, violets are blue. This is a crime. This is an actual, man,

0:37:04 Tom: This is a, but, that's what I'm saying is, like when you, you guys wrote your own vows. I think we talked about this before, but like Haley and I, I, she knew what my vows were going going to be ahead of time, and I knew what her vows were going to be ahead at time. It wasn't a surprise at the altar, right? Like the big things that we were goingto promise to do for each other for the rest of our lives were not a surprise at the alter, and also just structurally, it's like, yeah, I don't want to write like a three minute thing and you write a one minute thing that's going to be weird

0:37:28 Thomas: Literally everything you just described is something that we did. Not like intentionally, but like because of my ADHD.

0:37:37 Tom: You just you wrote your vows in the car on the way there

0:37:37 Eli: She

0:37:38 Thomas: Mine were way longer. I wrote it, but in my head, so she didn't know it was coming. All that stuff. We told the story. It's cool.

0:37:45 Tom: Yeah yeah, but I just like, like, do you think she knew ahead of time is what I'm getting at? You think she was like in on it ahead of, in this tiktok this horrible monstrous tiktak

0:37:45 Thomas: Oh the this this who's been sexually harassed in her own wedding Yeah, I mean, she did, for the listeners, like she at least looks kind of like she's not dressed like she's a conservative Christian. I'll just say, like, she got the green hair and the tattoos and the whatever, so like maybe this is something she's into yeah I guess

0:37:55 Tom: Yeah right

0:38:10 Eli: Thinks it's hilarious, she thinks the follow-up articles she is standing by to say this was great and awesome and chill, that's

0:38:12 Thomas: Yeah Well, you're kind of priced in. That's the thing. Like you're, you're a hostage in that moment. What are you going to be like? My wedding is a sham. Don't know.

0:38:25 Eli: True I mean I would, I'll tell you, if those had been Anna, if those have been Anna's vows, I would have been like, thanks for coming, everybody

0:38:28 Thomas: Well, we know you would. Yeah. Divorce. Yeah,

0:38:37 Tom: Holy shit, so where did we land, Thomas? Our our about the couple but

0:38:40 Thomas: Oh, I I didn't finish saying I, uh, like I, weddings. That was how we started on that. I was going to say, so apart from witnessing that and like the ceremony, I agree that part is rough often, not a huge fan of the ceremony. It's usually just all kinds of times where I have to be like, this is the thoughts other human beings have in their head. That can't be right. There's no way. That's not real. After that, where you're just, you know, you're hanging out drinking, you're all dressed nice and, you people. I actually don't mind it. It's enough because usually I can, you just be with Lydia the entire time. So that helps. I just kind of anchor, you know. Or if I find someone cool, then I might talk to them.

0:39:16 Tom: Where do you land in, on the weddings are just for the couple? Yeah.

0:39:19 Thomas: I think I already made my position clear. They're not just for the couple. I think you're inviting them there. You're If inviting people there, they're coming for a reason. Like, like we said, if this is just for you, go have your wedding at Disney fucking world or whatever.

0:39:22 Tom: That's crazy

0:39:30 Eli: Well here's my thing, here's mine, here's what I'm going to do, I'm not going to, because I agree with that in theory, I think that's great, right, is that if you've got a weird thing, right, if you want to talk about fucking gagging during your wedding vows, you should do it in the bottom of the ocean but I feel like there's a lot of pressure of like, well, you've got to invite grandma Runfola you can't not invite, so I feel like people are torn, and I feel like it's on us as a society to stand at the gates, if I will, uh, and say, look, whatever weird shit people want to do at their wedding, as long as it's announced ahead of time, everyone has to to be chill, and grandma has to dress in a Ren Faire outfit, I

0:39:43 Tom: Right yes

0:39:50 Thomas: Yeah. Yeah, have

0:40:12 Tom: And I will say also, like, if you get notice ahead of time and it's a theme wedding and you don't dress for theme, you're an asshole and you should not expect to be invited to a wedding, like you should NOT expect to be invited, what's

0:40:21 Eli: Think you can be turned away

0:40:24 Thomas: Ever been to a theme wedding. What do people ask their wedding guests to dress like stuff? What if you don't have that stuff?

0:40:29 Eli: Fuck yeah they do, hell buy it, you buy it and you buy it at the highest degree

0:40:34 Thomas: Nah, that's I think that's a bridge too far for me. I'm not doing it. Nah, not doing it.

0:40:39 Eli: No this is what I'm saying, Thomas you are over there on the hill where hell it happens, you got a dress

0:40:46 Tom: You buy it, you, you would buy, wouldn't you buy, like, if your suit didn't fit, like, let's say you went to put on your suit to get ready for the wedding and your suit didn't fit, you'd go buy a suit, it's the same thing it's like if I'm going to a Renfair wedding, it's like, all right, I gotta, I gotta dress appropriately for this event you

0:40:54 Thomas: Because that's a thing humans wear. Yeah. No, no, no. No. Disagree because I think that's like

0:41:03 Tom: Would just, but would you still go or would you decline the invitation see that's fair too, you can decline the invite invitation

0:41:04 Thomas: No, I probably wouldn't go. I'd be like have

0:41:07 Eli: Well sure yeah if you don't go that's fine but

0:41:08 Tom: Right

0:41:08 Thomas: Fun. Yeah or I'd ask them. I'd be like, hey, I'm not this. So do you want which is better?

0:41:10 Tom: Yeah

0:41:14 Eli: No, I mean, you'd have to be very clever about it, because if you were like, oh, I don't want to dress Ren Faire, and then you didn't come, I'd be like, oh, that guy fucking sucks.

0:41:22 Thomas: Oh, no no. I would just tell them like, Hey, I don't want to do that, but I will come if you want me to but I'm not going to do that. That would just, I'm comfortable saying that.

0:41:30 Eli: Oh, that's the worst. That's the word, Thomas. I would truly rather have a guest talk about gagging on cocks during wedding vows than show up and be like, "I don't like your thing, so I'm not doing it."

0:41:33 Thomas: Yeah.

0:41:38 Tom: It would

0:41:42 Thomas: So then it's better than I won't come. Okay. Message received.

0:41:45 Tom: Be it would be better not to go, I think it would, I think it'd be better to be like

0:41:47 Thomas: This is a bit of specialized thing. You're requiring other people to to take on a hobby they don't have. I don't know how to dress for a Ren fair. What am I getting?

0:41:48 Tom: Oh yeah but you have the internet, you could figure it out this is

0:41:58 Thomas: No, I am not doing

0:41:58 Eli: You can figure it out, Thomas. You run a business

0:42:02 Tom: Not of a

0:42:02 Thomas: That. I am asking too much of a wedding Wedding guests. Sorry. Yes, it is.

0:42:06 Eli: Absolutely

0:42:05 Tom: Guest oh I, I think if I think if you're having a weird theme wedding, like everyone's got to go, you got to dress the theme, or you just say you don't go and it's never been easier to not go to something than now because COVID makes it so easy you just be like oh yeah I'm sorry, we got the rona in the house, you know, it's just like you can not go to anything and you cannot go at the last minute and nobody can be mad, all that's gone forever, it's the best

0:42:06 Eli: Wrong Incorrect

0:42:08 Thomas: Nah.

0:42:16 Eli: Oh yeah COVID you just pretend you have something or whatever yep it's the best but Thomas oh

0:42:15 Thomas: Okay. I'll just not go. That's fine. Yeah. Mm -hmm. Oh, I had my outfit. Oh, it's laid out on my bed.

0:42:30 Eli: I got my leather bodice ready

0:42:32 Thomas: Yeah, it was.

0:42:32 Eli: Yeah

0:42:32 Tom: Oh man, I'm so disappointed, I was gonna go as Captain Chuckleberry or whatever the fuck you idiots, like yeah

0:42:35 Eli: Exactly yeah

0:42:37 Thomas: Yeah, I can't. I'm sorry.

0:42:38 Eli: Thomas do you hear the hoof beats, do you hear the hook beats on the hill that is my legion of weirdos riding once again to tell you how wrong you are for not going to a themed wedding and themed dress, they rise up once I've, I've been to three themed weddings.

0:42:40 Thomas: What?

0:42:43 Tom: I've never been to a theme wedding though oh really, wait

0:42:51 Thomas: Yeah, that's a lot.

0:42:55 Eli: Thrice. Yes. One was hunting themed.

0:42:59 Tom: Excuse the fuck out of me, what who

0:43:00 Thomas: You each had to bring a wild boar over your shoulder?

0:43:02 Eli: This is how committed I am. Went into a wedding and I was like, I went out to a hunting themed wedding and held a gun on my body. There There are photos of all the men in the wedding party holding rifles and I am in full camo.

0:43:06 Tom: Did you hunt you

0:43:14 Thomas: Nah.

0:43:18 Tom: Seriously, we're not friends if I don't get a copy you that picture. We are not friends.

0:43:20 Thomas: All right, everybody. I Think having friends is overrated, I don't think, you don't, it's not worth, that is all I'm saying, it's just not, we don't, people aren't that fun, they're not that important, we have video games now, it's great, we have movies, we have shows, we have other things that replace this awful interaction that you just described, and then the few cool people who wouldn't ever make you do something so fucking stupid, you can hang out with those people

0:43:41 Eli: There have it all parties represented all right right, gentlemen, before we leave, I have a friend who tried to take a picture of himself in the shower the other day, but the image was too blurry, you could say he was having self-esteem issues, so

0:44:06 Tom: Yeah,

0:44:07 Thomas: Man, that was awesome of, oh

0:44:16 Clip: Want to meet sexy DILFs in your area? Email the dads at DearOldDads.com or, better yet, send us a message on Patreon. You can follow us on all social media by checking the links in the show notes. And if you need more podcasts in your life, you can find Tom on Cognitive Dissonance, Thomas on Serious Inquiries Only, and Eli on Godawful Movies and all the Puzzle in the Thunderstorm shows. Dear Old Dads is edited and produced by my favorite DILF, Tom Smith, who also wrote and recorded the intro music, which is used with his permission. This podcast is a production of Daddy Issues LLC. Copyright 2022. All rights reserved.

0:44:55 Clip: Nothing's better than the sound of gagging and headboard slamming. P .S.