DOD298: The Enwrights Answer Everything (Including the Separate Houses Thing)

Transcript

This transcript was generated automatically and may contain errors — the audio is the record.

0:00:00 Thomas: Hey, folks, just a quick heads up that this episode was recorded before Tom was out of the hospital. So we mentioned that he is in the hospital, but don't worry. It was just recorded out of order. He is still out of the hospital this was just recorded out of order. Don't be alarmed. Tom is out of the hospital I won't say he's doing fine. I was about to say that. Couldn't vouch for that. He is not in the hospital right now. Right. Enjoy this really fun episode we did while he was in the hospital.

0:00:26 Clip: I'm the cool dad. That's that's my thing. I know now what I can offer you that no one else can I'm a man. I'm sensitive. I need to feel loved. I need to be desired is the only part of being a father that I enjoy

0:00:52 Eli: Welcome to Dear Old Dads, the podcast that asks one simple question. What happens when you ask dad questions to non -dads but moms and stepdads because your co -host is dying of of attrition I'm eli bosnick joined as always by Thomas Smith, welcome back to the pod, how you doing

0:01:06 Thomas: Fun. No, he's just dying. Oh. Hey, thanks. You're host now. Did you get an A promotion?

0:01:22 Eli: Well he's fucking dying man we got to do something.

0:01:25 Thomas: Shit.

0:01:26 Eli: You want to give up the money? No. Gotta

0:01:29 Thomas: Gonna like forge stuff in his will to steal the podcast? Cast you know that's two of us tom's ghost and eli's vote against thomas

0:01:36 Eli: Tom's ghost is going to be Eli's vote. I have to get a Ouija board every time I want to outvote Thomas from now on. It's a whole thing. Tom is still sick.

0:01:42 Thomas: The weird thing is he points to the different letters using his penis which is which I think is odd I

0:01:45 Eli: He does. Yeah. But it is planchette -shaped, which makes sense. But we're doing that thing that I hate, because we guest on podcasts all the time, where they talk too much before they introduce you. Heath Enright and Ann Perkins are here. Heath Enwright and Ann Perkins.

0:01:58 Thomas: Didn't even know they were here sorry

0:02:01 Heath: You all want a minute? Do you want it? We don't have to hop in quite yet.

0:02:04 Eli: Don't you hate that when you're guesting on someone else's Ann Perkin Say Words?

0:02:08 Anne: So hoping that Heath and I would silently just have decided that we would both do silence when you tried to introduce us.

0:02:14 Eli: Not listen. Quiet quitting on

0:02:18 Anne: Join me

0:02:18 Eli: A podcast. Yes.

0:02:19 Heath: Ann, I've sent you a different Zencastr link.

0:02:23 Anne: In the silence corner.

0:02:24 Eli: Competing podcast link. See me in the the other podcast. Uh, guys, thank you so much for joining us. Uh. Quick update. Tom is still bad. Um. But better? It's hard to tell. We don't know. And it's a comedy show. So it's. Don't. Know. He probably won't die.

0:02:35 Thomas: Maybe ever

0:02:46 Eli: He's immortal.

0:02:45 Thomas: Which is bad news

0:02:48 Anne: This is his curse.

0:02:49 Eli: This is his curse. The Can Can I say the luck demon having a fucking amazing week? He is the name football player having a good week.

0:02:58 Anne: Employee the month in hell again this month.

0:03:00 Thomas: I was gonna say yeah he's just like going around the office people are like oh my god my god yeah

0:03:02 Eli: 12 years running. Yeah.

0:03:05 Heath: Tom would be the only really cool, not evil, like 7000 year old vampire if that's what happens. He'd be pretty

0:03:12 Eli: Because he would live the exact same life. He wouldn't drink any water. He wouldn'T go out in the sunlight. It's maybe that's what happened. Maybe he went out into the sun. Yeah, exactly. Just before. Right. Well, you all came through and by you all, I mean, our patrons came through with 28 amazing questions for the end rights. Um, let's get started. Heath, this wait, that's of

0:03:17 Heath: Blood. As before.

0:03:31 Anne: Do do the throw? Can I, can I say, wait, can, I, which, can I set you up? I got a good one. I am so glad that nobody asked about cooking ramen with Heath, which is the deadest joke of all time.

0:03:43 Eli: Oh, there, there are way deader jokes. For instance, are you aware that Thomas Smith doesn't have feet?

0:03:49 Anne: That is, that is slightly more dead. That's true.

0:03:54 Eli: You know the only thing worse than being saddled with a joke I made a literal decade ago that people is having tom's health and you cannot have tom's help if you drink water and sleep more than four hours a day but you can also support our show and tom's extensive medical bills over at patreon.com/dear old dads where for as little as a buck a show you'll get a commercial free version of every single show including this one, plus a little parenting story at the end I didn't say I was good at this, we've got a person who edits

0:03:59 Heath: Is tom's health

0:04:26 Thomas: Eli, this is the part you normally always do.

0:04:26 Heath: You're panicking

0:04:29 Eli: Yeah, and I'm bad at it now, and if I was bad at then yeah, of course we were gonna do a choir of it .com forward slash dear old dads rip into it

0:04:32 Anne: For the part we all join in to do you to rip into it, right? It's a group activity.

0:04:41 Thomas: Out me. I'm up here. You're up here, I'm down here. Rip

0:04:45 Anne: Rip, rip, rip into it.

0:04:47 Heath: Rip into it do

0:04:49 Eli: Way too late he, fuck no, it's too late, it' too late We're we do it in one take here. All right.

0:04:52 Anne: Jesus.

0:04:52 Heath: It again do it again do again rip yeah yeah cool

0:05:08 Eli: Starting with a question from Wonderful Heath. Completely random hypothetical. I just thought about what would someone need to offer you to bite off one of their fingers because they heard in the New York Times it might be financially lucrative for them to do so. So, yeah,

0:05:22 Heath: Well we could talk about thomas's lack of feet for something that's staler all right uh no so for everybody who doesn't know this insane long -running gag that Eli's doing I believe you offered perhaps in the New York Times at least in the podcast canon an ad that said if you can convince Heath to bite off one of your fingers you get some sort Eli Prize. Is that right?

0:05:51 Eli: This is why I'll never be a billionaire is because the first thing I would do if I were a billionaire is I would take out a full page, double page spread in the New York Times with a picture of our own Heath Enright. And I would say, if you can convince Heath to bite off one of your fingers, I, billionaire Eli Bosnick, will give you one million dollars. You can't coerce him into it or force him into It. You can't hurt his family or threaten his family you have to use your words to convince him to bite through your bones and flesh and one of your fingers and I will give you 1 million dollars and that is very funny because it means Heath would spend the rest of his life with people being like please man my kid is sick and that's very funny

0:06:35 Heath: Well, just so everybody knows, my is lower than you think. So I get that Eli's going to give you a million dollars, so you're motivated, hopefully also by your dying child in some of these scenarios. I'm going through a pinky pretty easily. I feel like a pretty low number for me. Are they allowed to offer me money too? Okay so a pretty low number I don't want to say what the fucking number is but like

0:07:03 Anne: As your lawyer and your wife, I'm just claiming all of this. These are jokes for entertainment purposes

0:07:08 Heath: And we're building our nest egg shut up you

0:07:08 Anne: Only.

0:07:09 Eli: Anne, stop it. Yeah. You want to retire?

0:07:11 Anne: I do want want to retire.

0:07:14 Heath: Think podcasting is gonna last forever god damn it all

0:07:16 Eli: You want... We're already trying YouTube. Fuck, Anne. I'm DMing so many minors.

0:07:23 Heath: We're gonna have to go with your real job I guess if this doesn't pan out but no if you offered me a medium amount of money I could get through it like it's not that it's it's like a pinky. I'll just like tear through that. I'm just like, get ready. Go.

0:07:37 Eli: Think you're not counting how hard it is to bite through a human hand.

0:07:38 Thomas: Jesus

0:07:40 Heath: What are you talking about? So easy.

0:07:43 Eli: Hand biting con... Look, We could pay a guy.

0:07:44 Thomas: Easy I think eli might have met like psychologically oh you didn't mean psychologically okay never mind I have nothing dad dad.

0:07:49 Eli: Definitely not. Are you kidding? Fucking Heath would do that. Heath would do that between bites of other food.

0:07:56 Thomas: That's true. Oh, can we stick a toothpick in the finger? And then it's dad toothpick trick, the toothpick and the sandwich. It's

0:08:03 Eli: Has a question. And can I say, I also have this question. Anne, Heath, what is the deal? This is Jerry Seinfeld, Ita. What is the Deal with the Separate Houses?

0:08:16 Anne: I think this was probably the most asked question, right?

0:08:19 Eli: It was. It was asked by many people. And can I say, Iti asked it the nicest.

0:08:22 Thomas: Including us.

0:08:23 Anne: Yeah. No, listen, I'll say so in my real life, the question I get most often about this is how can I convince my spouse to do this. It sounds great. Um, and it is, uh,

0:08:33 Thomas: I mean, yeah, a lot of couples do hate each other. So that makes sense.

0:08:42 Anne: Listen, when you get married in your forties, you're set your ways. And then when one of you is an absolute freak with a, uh... We're not going to say who.

0:08:54 Eli: Sure. We're not going to say who. Anybody could have been the freak.

0:08:57 Heath: Could be the normal one you don't know

0:09:00 Eli: Heath could be knocking on that door every night. Oh, and please let me live in your house.

0:09:00 Thomas: Could you?

0:09:06 Heath: Okay think Kai would bite through a finger too. If I'm being honest, there was a moment when Kai took a bet from me too fast. And I was like, oh shit, Kai would fight through a figure as well. Were at that barbecue and you remember the barbecue where there was like a pig roasted was like kai if you eat the eyeball of this pig I will give you 100 christian dollars and kaI was already eating the eyeball like already had it ready to go we got a video of it But during the video, I noticed somebody right next to us didn't like that we were doing a video and they were wearing a Red Sox hat. And I was like, Kai, extra hundred if you say fuck the Red Socks at the end. Kai eats the eyeball, no problem. Just like, fuck the fucking Red Soks. And they hated us.

0:09:34 Anne: Is true. There is video.

0:09:35 Eli: Perfect. Incredible.

0:09:55 Heath: Yeah.

0:09:57 Anne: Is true. So I feel like with this answer you've also started to get a picture of an answer to the question of what is Heath like as a stepdad.

0:10:04 Eli: Yeah. No, that answer, that's a two birds, one stone situation if ever I've seen one. So basically the answer for reason for separate houses is you don't want to raise two children all the time. Just some of the time, right?

0:10:17 Anne: Just some of the time.

0:10:19 Eli: It this teenager makes six figures fuck they have race cars they

0:10:21 Thomas: You found out they don't have adult daycare that you could put heath in so oh they do oh good we'll do that

0:10:26 Eli: Do they do we've tried yeah he's actually great at those those medical daycares we just put him in there he's happy as a clam he wins all the checkers that's

0:10:35 Thomas: I didn't

0:10:36 Anne: I think we'll probably combine houses at some point but you know everything happens slow with this so uh plus who isn't excited about living with a messy teenager when you have OCD

0:10:46 Eli: That is true that is truth yeah

0:10:48 Thomas: Hear any sign off on that plan by heath by the way just noting it just just noting it.

0:10:53 Heath: You for noting that.

0:10:52 Eli: Heath please say out loud in a legally binding contract that you can't wait to live with actually all of this episode and fucked up tom's back so that we could trap you into this conversation that's

0:11:05 Heath: Thomas is officially my lawyer and he has noted that with prejudice. Thank you. You

0:11:12 Eli: All right let's bring the vibes down a bit general contact unit problem child asks what's it like trying to help a queer kid understand the risks they'll face in today's america whilst making making sure they will. Is it whilst fuck?

0:11:26 Anne: Whilst I say whilst listen this is a weird moment where I I usually a listener who speaks back to no one in my house while I'm listening now I get to correct you live on air There is amazing.

0:11:38 Eli: And Hey, honestly, it's the only way you're going to talk to your husband as often as you do. So I fucking get it. What are you going to do? Drive across town.

0:11:47 Anne: Twice a week.

0:11:48 Heath: I like phone calls I don't good

0:11:51 Eli: Whilst whilst making sure that they understand that doesn't mean they've done anything wrong or shouldn't live authentically regardless.

0:11:59 Heath: Question uh perkins you fired off I

0:12:02 Anne: I loved this very thoughtful question. Say I'm thankful to live in an area where that is easier than a lot of other parts of the country. Right. Ann Arbor is a very accepting town um you know nevertheless uh instance we definitely had family members who were big on beating this drum of like you know you need to emphasize to your kid the dangers that come with you identified as as a trans or queer lgbtq person in this country um know that from came a really good place but I do careful with it right because sometimes people are coming at that from a place of assuming that there's a choice involved and that like if I'm you you all the all the risks and the negatives then you'll make a different choice and obviously that's like coming from a hopefully a place like love and and just fear for their like safety but also not fully understanding you know, the situation. And so I definitely protected Kai from a lot of those attempts from extended family. But also we would have we conversations about individual situations as they might pop up. And how do you think you would would handle that? And, you lot of and I guess it depends on the age to write elementary school very very different than the high school. By the high school age, you're doing a lot of how you feel about that? Do you want me to step in in any way? I think shielding them from stuff that's only going to stress them out, whether it's specifically on this issue or the broader issues can't do anything with, right, I think requires a lot of judgment. You're not going to always get it right, but hopefully more often and then not. I don't know if that's helpful at all, but that's what I've tried to do.

0:13:47 Eli: Is helpful.

0:13:48 Heath: Think what encourages me having talked with kai about this somewhat and gone through kai seems to have no problem advocating for themselves absolutely no problem and also has a pretty good roasty the attitude about it it's just like oh if people talk about whatever any any sort of bigotry like oh I'm gonna just roast you mercilessly and not be friends with you and that's fine with me I'm happy with that good to go guy's very strong on this type of stuff too so that's good news

0:14:19 Eli: Excellent.

0:14:20 Anne: Is true. It is too. Kai loves to talk about one time there was a street preacher in the town where Kai's dad lives, just a little ways north of here. Kai was like 11 or 12 and, you know, he was doing a street preacher thing and Kai walked up as a very obviously, you know, non -gender conforming kid and got the whole spiel from them and made the man cry.

0:14:44 Eli: Excellent. So what you're saying is they're applying for all of the Puzzle and the Thunderstorm shows. They are ready to participate.

0:14:51 Heath: Walking around ann arbor we have to like pick battles it's like no no just we're not gonna do this you can make the next one cry but like just let's go to dinner and then after

0:14:56 Eli: Not this guy. Not this guys. Not that guy. Yeah. Come on. You're gonna make us late. Damn it. Reservation says six.

0:15:05 Thomas: To go ahead and advocate for a question if I can. There's one here that says from Lars Gottlieb, Heath, what is the best pun you ever made? And Heath, shut your face because because I know it. I don't like puns. I'm not a punsman. I'M NOT A PUNSMAN. But the best pun that ever made, and I think that anyone's ever Made, legitimately, from 100 seasons ago of Citation Needed, was they banned Tem Smell Research, which I just couldn't... I couldn't, I think of that all the time, where I'm like, how did you think of that? It's so perfect for the topic. Like an easy one where Or, you know, oh, I'm going to Google the, the bird, you the hundred bird names to do a thing. Like, it's not something you could like have Googled. It was just brilliant. Like I still laugh at that. It's so good.

0:15:51 Heath: Appreciate that yeah we were talking about when the thames river got full of a bunch of shit in london and the smell was horrible yeah and it was I did a little spoonerism little thames smell research yeah okay I wouldn't have thought of that one but I'm so glad that you remember um I think recently we were Talking About Shark Repellent

0:16:01 Thomas: That's so good. My favorite. Oh God. That's I, the one I texted you like four of your lines, I think. Cause it was that, that episode Heath took performance enhancing drugs for some reason. And like one episode he was like laser Heath. Thing he He was like every single joke was an amazing pun it was incredible

0:16:27 Eli: Was an amazing pun. I remember that.

0:16:28 Heath: Yeah we were talking about shark repellent and noah said something that as like kind of a double entendre you could take as him saying you know like a like a podcast bro thing and I was like pod over here talking about great white replacement theory on podcast I

0:16:46 Anne: Was incredible. That was incredible.

0:16:47 Eli: That was good.

0:16:48 Heath: Was excited about that one yeah

0:16:50 Thomas: A good one nice

0:16:50 Anne: Feel like there are a lot of ones that sort of get lost because they're not on records. We're just living our lives. And he has incredible ones off the dome just all the time.

0:16:59 Eli: Ooh. It's like a private podcasting thing. Well, that's true. No, you don't even need to.

0:17:00 Thomas: But it's over in his own house saying no one hears it but but he swears that

0:17:06 Eli: He texts you another good one.

0:17:06 Anne: He swears.

0:17:08 Eli: Well he doesn't text you.

0:17:08 Heath: Thank you ann by the way you can go to the next page of our secret notes

0:17:11 Thomas: They're another good one

0:17:13 Eli: He secret notes. He's just been quietly underlining. Make sure you mention how funny I am off the off the air the entire time she was talking about raising a quiet child he was doing the wrap it up gesture and then pointing at the I'm funny outside of the podcast notes with tears streaming down his cheeks uh so quite a few people ask this next question um it's a better question than the first sentence of it makes it seem uh did you get married not like why do do you love each other? I mean, as progressive atheists, why did you feel the need to do it? Was it purely because of the legal benefits? Are you sentimental slash romantic about the institution of marriage? What was the choice to get a male weed?

0:17:59 Heath: Okay so on the institution concept I guess that's what they're getting at here I whole life was like oh this is fucking stupid that's dumb people could just be life partners and not add a word that makes everybody freak out and makes all their family freak out you could still have a fun party already called a wedding but you don't have to do this exact institution it never made sense to me and then it fucking did and I'm so mad and happy about it at the same time it just like I was like oh I get it I get I didn't get it and now I do all right I guess I found a person I love you

0:18:37 Anne: Oh my god you guys he said it for the first time that's crazy

0:18:40 Eli: There it is. Oh, and you've got a recording of it. You can just play that whenever you want now. That's nice.

0:18:43 Anne: I can't will you clip that and send it to me lydia

0:18:47 Heath: I I couldn't I think ann cut out did you say I love u2 just now

0:18:52 Eli: She's not ready.

0:18:52 Anne: Keep waiting

0:18:54 Thomas: She said she'll tell you in your shared house once you

0:18:57 Eli: Push it yeah let's tell you at move -in day

0:19:01 Anne: Was funny because we had different sort of journeys to the same place, I guess. For me, I took a lot of convincing because of past experiences with the institution of marriage. So not my first marriage was my second marriage. Um, it was very much like, Hey, guess what? I'm never doing again. This doesn't make sense. Was like, super duper. That works for me. And so, you the perfect match. And then we were like, oh, shit, we do want to spend the rest of our lives together.

0:19:25 Heath: The perfect match yeah

0:19:30 Thomas: It was like, you know, negative one times negative one equals one. Like you have two negatives.

0:19:33 Eli: Was positive one yeah exactly yeah

0:19:35 Heath: Exactly we're both furious and happy somehow maybe

0:19:39 Eli: All love related question this one from chans love which I hope is your real name and not a patron name I in which case I'm really sorry about high school and the fact that you didn't become an adult film star maybe you did I don't know your life anyways uh asks

0:20:00 Heath: And you go first it's the third page of the notes third page

0:20:05 Anne: Hold on. Let me.

0:20:06 Eli: It's the page that just says tall, and then it's crossed out, and I'm tapping on it really hard. I'm typing on it so hard that the paper's kind of tearing, but I need you to be able to read it anyways.

0:20:09 Anne: Paige's rifling sound. This where uh impulse to give a real answer fights with the impulse to give a funny answer but I'm just gonna give a really answer um I all right fine

0:20:26 Heath: Boo don't do this this is gonna go badly for me I

0:20:29 Eli: No, because if you give a real answer, he'll have to give a really good answer. If you give him a real question, he's going to give you a real good answer, and he'll blow it, because he'll try

0:20:33 Anne: No and then this the squirm is gonna be incredible Incredible.

0:20:36 Eli: To bail out halfway through into a joke. He'll be like a pilgrim soul more like pilgrim bowl I'm I'm

0:20:47 Heath: Had the boing ready

0:20:48 Thomas: That's totally Heath.

0:20:49 Eli: Moving in right now I've got I got my capooper and my xbox and we're ready to go same

0:20:59 Anne: No, I mean, listen, I had a crush on him for years via, you know, podcast because of, you and voice and intellect and vibes and funniness and all that. So, but, that's That's what I currently have clipped on my phone just over and over.

0:21:12 Eli: Maxing yeah

0:21:22 Anne: That made me, you know, go from like, oh, this is a person that I would enjoy spending time with and have fun with to being like, this Is a person I'm in love with and can't imagine my life without is all of the other things of like, you who I trust to make decisions that are as good or better than my own, you know, someone adds more than I ever imagined to my life. So yeah.

0:21:48 Eli: A beautiful answer I sure hope Heath doesn't absolutely wreck it right now on his turn, which is right now. Don't blow it. Don't blew it. Recorded forever. Public medium.

0:21:56 Heath: Damn it okay serious answer serious answer though there's a bunch of just easy to be fun stuff that we did very early in our relationship so we you know we went on a cool vacation together went to a good restaurant somewhere together and that was great but that's like of course easy to be great and then I realized that like just the most mundane basic stuff that you could like we could do tax forms and it was fun and made like a big big change in my head about how things can possibly work because in myhead part of the reason that the institution of marriage was silly was like all gonna be always doing like mundane shit and that's gonna like subtract no it doesn't subtract contract if it's the right connection with the right person, I guess. So that, was big to me. And I do like also, and multiple people have said this to me, including one of my best friends right away. And do you remember when you, you met Bob for the first time, my friend, Bob, I was living in Cincinnati. This is early on. So Ann came down and visited and right afterwards bob had been hanging out with us a bit and he's like awesome banter you guys have the best banter and I was like oh yeah we did so even in like dumb mundane snares we're just like always rocking some good banter I like it

0:23:19 Eli: 100%.

0:23:19 Heath: A lot and um my aunt said the same thing to me my mom said the same thing my hundred -year -old grandma was like I like how you you argue and I was like all right okay

0:23:29 Thomas: Reminds me of a young Amelia Earhart.

0:23:32 Eli: She could work a dirt button like nobody's business.

0:23:36 Anne: He's got, he's got more lore.

0:23:38 Thomas: Wait, what?

0:23:39 Heath: Okay so to the yes to Amelia Earhart my great grandma the mom of my hundred year old grandma was definitely fucking Amelia Earheart they had like a long delightful there is a new development yes so my great grandma her name's Louise Louise, her sister, was named Dorothy, or Dot for short. So my grandma's Aunt Dot is how she got her name. It's my grandma Dot. And Aunt Dot I learned a story about just recently. Dot, she was a very cool socialist union person. She ended up working a -level position at the NLRB, the National Labor Relations Board, for the FDR administration during the New Deal. She kicked ass. And would you like to take a guess at what famous person she had a delightful amorous relationship with it's

0:23:49 Thomas: There new developments in this? Sure. Sure.

0:24:35 Heath: Not Amelia Earhart also just to be clear it is not FDR it

0:24:36 Eli: Is it, is it FDR?

0:24:39 Thomas: I was going to say Lindbergh. You know, I started going for another pilot.

0:24:43 Eli: The Lindbergh baby. Yeah.

0:24:45 Heath: Is neither Charles Lindbergh nor I think a different Lindberg baby no it is it is it's it's not Charlie Chaplin FDR was the closest guess it

0:24:51 Eli: Charlie chaplin hitler is it hitler you set this up badly if it was hitler

0:25:00 Thomas: Eleanor

0:24:58 Heath: We don't know for sure. She did. It's Eleanor Roosevelt.

0:25:01 Thomas: Roosevelt. Oh,

0:25:03 Eli: Yeah oh yeah power bottom eleanor roosevelt yeah that makes sense to

0:25:04 Thomas: Way. Wow. Power

0:25:07 Heath: Is Eleanor Roosevelt.

0:25:08 Thomas: Bottom.

0:25:08 Heath: Yeah. And I just, I acquired the memoirs.

0:25:10 Thomas: Way.

0:25:11 Eli: Be fair if she didn't fuck eleanor rosevelt she'd be the only woman who was alive at the same time as eleanor roosevolt who didn't fuck elean no a different person thomas god fuck

0:25:17 Thomas: Wait, but Amelia Earhart, I thought. I no Amelia Earhart and Eleanor Roosevelt they were together this is a love triangle

0:25:24 Heath: Okay. So here's what might've happened. There, there may have been, there may have Been a poly triangle.

0:25:29 Anne: Now it's the l word starring your family this

0:25:33 Thomas: My god this is incredible it

0:25:35 Eli: Sounds like every relationship, Elizabethan relationship I've ever heard of. So this makes sense. This makes sense. A

0:25:40 Thomas: Also sounds like this needs to be in our history text like I want my kids to learn about this you know like this is important it's real stuff teach real real history, you know? Oh

0:25:49 Heath: Got access to the The Memoirs of Aunt Dot that she wrote and my aunt years later published, you know, unofficially published, but printed out this old book that I got from my mom up in the attic and I have the Memoir's of Aunt dot. So I'm very excited.

0:26:04 Eli: All right. This comes from Haley of yeah.

0:26:07 Anne: Wait can I just jump back before we jump on to the next question I had oh no I wish wait no no anyway um the banter thing I will just say this is my one piece of dating advice I entered into this relationship with like no fucks given. Every other relationship, I was like, hey, I'm going to be me. You're just getting unfiltered. I'm for something that I'm Not. This is maybe the benefit of being 40, but if you can start doing this when you're 20, even better. Just like, I'm gonna be me, and it went so much better to finding the person that actually matches your weird.

0:26:10 Eli: Who have you fucked Eleanor? Yeah. I can confirm the end rates have amazing banter very early on. They, were in a car and for some reason, and needed to sit on Heath's lap and we didn't know Anne crazy well at that time. Um, and so it was sort of like, how is this vibe going to be? Because the thing you need to understand is that when, when of the cast starts dating somebody, we all sort of have to like slowly, you can't just be like, hi, here's the real human being I am. You have to slowly sort of descend out of character. And we were getting to that point with Anne where we're like, all right, well, here'S the real person. And I remember Remember, she they had to sit on Heath's lap, and they started to like wrestle with their heads a little bit. And then she severely harmed Heath with her head. She like pressed her head into his, and his into the window. It's one of the pictures I have of them on my phone. It''s one of my favorite things, because it went from like, we're wrestling to Heath being being like, kill her, kill her, kill her

0:27:30 Anne: Another way.

0:27:45 Eli: Dead, I'm in danger.

0:27:42 Heath: Headbutt. I

0:27:46 Anne: This way. I'm like, Tom, I'm freakishly strong and don't know my own strength.

0:27:52 Eli: She is freakishly strong and and almost crushed it was like we almost got a kingpin moment where his head popped like a grape against the window and we just covered a murder together he

0:28:02 Heath: Dove out, tuck and roll. I was fine.

0:28:03 Eli: Did tuck and roll out he was fine his head has always been that shape since that the the the eyebrows that people mention on youtube those are actually scar tissue so you're being ableist every time you it's from the head thing all right from hayley

0:28:07 Heath: Uber score went down. I noticed. I want to hear from Eli and Thomas what those qualities are that made them get married.

0:28:31 Thomas: We're not married.

0:28:31 Eli: That made me get married uh

0:28:33 Thomas: Eli and I aren't married.

0:28:33 Eli: To to, to my wife.

0:28:35 Thomas: I don't know what you're talking about. What a weird question.

0:28:36 Heath: Stalling

0:28:38 Eli: It's always been really obvious how much better my wife is then me in every possible way. I mean like we would date and people I would be again, this is my girlfriend, Anna. And they'd be like no is she okay like they'd listen to her voice to wait to hear some kind of like oppression based accent so it was always really obvious but I was just like because I've always been able to like date up because I'm funny right and women want to convince themselves they're good people so they date me for a little while and then I'm and then I said look no because like look I'm a great way to prove to your friends looks don't matter right

0:28:54 Heath: Wait is she blinking no okay your attraction style is virtue signaling by the other person is what you're saying

0:29:18 Eli: Hundred hundred percent. There's not, look, my exes probably don't have anything nice to say about me, but I guarantee you the minute someone's like, you're shallow, they're whipping out a picture of you. They're tearing their underwear. They'RE getting their phone out. So fan.

0:29:32 Heath: You're the one black friend of

0:29:33 Eli: Yes, exactly. I'mthefatuglyguytheydatedfoshar. So I was like, great. This is wonderful. I won this lottery. She's really nice. And then my dad died. Right. And there's this thing that happens if you date attractive people, and I don't know if anyone listening can relate to this because I've seen our listeners, but there's this thing that happens where you date effective people and you have to get your humanity out for a second and you try not to do it very often because they're so pretty and they're making their way through life. And they're just like, I went to the gym today for nine hours. And you're like, that's so amazing for

0:29:34 Heath: Dating that

0:30:06 Eli: You. But then you'll be like, oh, I'm a little sad today. And there'll be did you try going to the gem for nine hours. So I was like, Hey, my dad died. And Anna was incredible. She was incredible and supportive and amazing. And that was the moment where I was, like, Oh, like not just like this is someone I could marry. Cause I was always like, hey, maybe I'm the fucking luckiest motherfucker on the planet and I get to marry this lady. But that was where I Was like, oh no, I want to marry this lady like it was so obvious. And again, very, very early on, I felt this way. But like Like, when my dad died, I was like, oh, we are in on a level. Like, she's not just proving she's a good person with this relationship. Although And I will say she does and continues to.

0:30:06 Thomas: What Anna sounds like.

0:30:48 Heath: Was beautiful I

0:30:49 Anne: Is that why you're always telling me to go to the gym for nine hours?

0:30:52 Heath: Wouldn't what What?

0:30:53 Eli: Nah, it's because he thinks you're fat. And he says, can I say, he says that a lot behind your back.

0:30:55 Anne: That makes more sense. I know. Well,

0:30:58 Eli: And I've had talks with him about it. I'm like, dude, not cool. Thomas, what about you and Lydia?

0:31:05 Thomas: Well, my wife is able to remember when and how my dad died. So it's a real linkage there. And so I'm like, when did he die and how? And she'll tell me.

0:31:16 Eli: And why would I care?

0:31:16 Heath: That's helpful.

0:31:19 Eli: She can't do that last one, though. It's just true.

0:31:21 Thomas: My dad's death really hit her a lot harder than it hit me.

0:31:24 Eli: Oh, she's still really reeling with it. All right. This next question comes from Haley of the Talking Ship podcast, RIP, still in our hearts. Does Ann call Heath...

0:31:35 Heath: Haley and Tom are alive, just to be clear, based on what Eli just said.

0:31:38 Anne: First

0:31:39 Eli: This episode might not come out for a smidgen, and we do not know how Tom is doing.

0:31:40 Thomas: We haven't checked. Yeah, we haven't check in the last 15 minutes. So, yeah,

0:31:45 Heath: That you meant the podcast, but okay.

0:31:47 Eli: Yeah. Might finish him off. I think you should be uncomfortable being like, Tom's alive.

0:31:54 Heath: Like you did at the front of the show.

0:31:55 Eli: Exactly. I said he's alive now. I was very clear.

0:31:58 Thomas: It's been like 30 minutes since then, Heath. There's no chance that he's.

0:32:01 Heath: We're well into the show now.

0:32:02 Eli: He hasn't slacked us, so we don't know. We don't know. She asks, does Anne call Heath, Heath, or does she call him by his real name? Is it weird to have to remember what to use depending on the context?

0:32:15 Anne: Of all hi hayley miss you um

0:32:17 Heath: Up, Haley?

0:32:17 Eli: Hey, sorry for your loss, maybe. Just seems, or congrats

0:32:21 Heath: Or congrats, whatever you're thinking.

0:32:23 Thomas: Was going to say Tom's definitely dead. He's just not sure if Haley's happy or not. That's why.

0:32:23 Eli: For your laws. True yeah

0:32:27 Anne: All right uh do switch back and forth um it was weird at first and it is normal now I

0:32:35 Heath: Okay. In my head, I don't remember Heath being said, Norm, real name or my other nicknames. I it's just like, Boston like lady doing like, Hey babe, what's going fucking on?

0:32:45 Anne: Mostly do babe yeah

0:32:47 Eli: A lot of babe it is a lot of babe

0:32:49 Anne: I mean from the when we first started like getting to know each other and dating actually do you remember that we started emailing and I were like hey do you have any questions for me and I was like yeah what is your name like real name let's start there um from the beginning of that time I was using your real name but like when we're in a work environment I'm saying Heath obviously right like when I'm hanging out with you guys saying Heath whether we're on mic or off because that's how you think of him thomas

0:33:14 Thomas: Gonna say this is good. We can get some more votes on this because, um, Tom, uh, may his memory be a blessing. Tom, uh, talks about, yeah, Tom talks about how, well, I mean, it's just me and Eli on the show.

0:33:22 Eli: It was a deathbed conversion thing yeah yeah

0:33:27 Thomas: So it's like, yeah.

0:33:22 Anne: Is Jewish now so all right

0:33:28 Eli: And so this shows 50

0:33:29 Thomas: He voted. Yeah. He actually mandated it. Uh, oh my god oh man jesus anyway um apparently calls hayley by all the time remember this eli and eli and I were like well that's fucking insane I can't remember the last time I've called lydia lydia like to her face like like the house just you you know That's happened.

0:33:29 Eli: % Jewish like yeah like my son yeah I've actually slowly I have settlers making Thomas more and more Jewish each episode uh by God yes yes yeah no emergency crowded situations only right because it not just crowded crowded I'll keep being like darling it

0:34:05 Thomas: I'll give like, hon, hon. And then if the kids are with me, I go, mom, mom. Because they're also saying, you know.

0:34:07 Eli: Mama yeah

0:34:12 Heath: It feels crazy. It feel crazy to say just like sometimes I'll start to to say it and then I'll have to add stuff so I don't feel as crazy. I'll be like Annabelle Elizabeth Gertrude Perkins.

0:34:12 Anne: It feels weird to say your spouse's name yeah

0:34:14 Thomas: Thank you.

0:34:27 Heath: Are all the real names.

0:34:29 Thomas: Good. I'm glad we could all agree that Tom is weird.

0:34:29 Eli: Gunner all the way doxxed yes yes 100 oh

0:34:33 Anne: Can did we talk about how you have your spouse in your phone because I think this is also very telling I think it's completely bizarre when people have first name last name and that's their spouse in their phone yeah

0:34:43 Eli: Have I have anna as anna bosnick in my phone

0:34:46 Thomas: Boy, that's a good question. Well, I mean, that kind of depends. Because when did you meet? Because you put someone on your phone when you first met, maybe.

0:34:54 Anne: But then you have to update it. Like if somebody saw, yeah, that's

0:34:55 Thomas: What how do you really oh

0:34:58 Heath: Have you as Mrs. Dr. Heath Enright. Is that cool?

0:35:00 Thomas: Can

0:35:01 Anne: Fantastic. I love that.

0:35:01 Thomas: I tell you all right I'm looking on my phone I have lydia as lydia and her picture is something she sent me uh about one month after we met so that so I have not changed that entry

0:35:15 Anne: Oh, not because it's sentimental, just because it is.

0:35:17 Thomas: It's literally just been that since 2012 11 yeah

0:35:22 Eli: Yeah anna is the octopus emoji uh

0:35:25 Anne: Fantastic. I have a picture of Heath with a golden retriever and it's real first name, Baberino.

0:35:33 Heath: I Have Ann's LinkedIn photo and it's very business -like and I like it for For whatever reason I want.

0:35:39 Anne: I'm a little bit mad at you every time. Yeah. Which is true.

0:35:42 Thomas: For reason I want.

0:35:42 Eli: You should be um

0:35:45 Heath: Kind of mad about the business that's happening. You know? Like kind of bad.

0:35:46 Eli: Obviously yeah this business has gone wrong and I'm here to fix it on a bus sure

0:35:52 Anne: Side note, you can totally cut this out. I do look a little little bit mad in that photo because it was taken on like day two of everything going to shit with OA.

0:36:01 Thomas: My God. Oh wow.

0:36:02 Anne: Was, so I was literally like, well, it's headshot day. Fuck. Okay.

0:36:06 Thomas: Holy crap.

0:36:07 Anne: I'm staring at the camera.

0:36:09 Eli: Luckily there were no photos taken of me during that time period um

0:36:14 Heath: Luckily, I've never had a LinkedIn profile. Because I've nunca had a job like that.

0:36:18 Anne: Truly winning.

0:36:16 Eli: Right we should start linkedin's we should star linkedin that sounds like a good project for us all right speaking of things we should be ashamed of dan k asks how long does it take ann to tell a new person in her life personal or professional about heath's podcasting and then And sort of my follow -up question is, when they have earned that trust, how do you go, like, no, no. It's a job. Like, how to you do the not just for fun, though?

0:36:44 Heath: Oh, that's tricky. It's like telling your racist family that you have a black partner. But it's podcasting for job.

0:36:49 Eli: It's exactly like that.

0:36:51 Anne: And I didn't know whether, yeah, whether this be was to be interpreted as how long does it take to gain the trust, to be honest, or like literally in minutes, how long doesn't take to explain how this can be a job? Both could pertain and have, um, am pretty open with most people early on. Like took my cue from Heath on this, right. Where he's like, yeah, I got this weird job. And so I'm like, like, yeah, my husband is a podcaster. It's weird. But yeah, yeah.

0:36:59 Thomas: I like to explain it, but

0:37:19 Heath: Willing to be honest about it. That's nice. I feel good about that.

0:37:24 Thomas: A lawyer. So 100 % of people will assume. Oh, okay. So he just doesn't.

0:37:30 Eli: Just lives off you. That's good.

0:37:31 Thomas: So you, so you make the money. All right. Yeah, he probably also plays video games or some shit. What, why are you telling me this?

0:37:32 Anne: They're

0:37:38 Eli: Yeah. Which, which, to me, is a good thing. To be fair will eventually be true when it all comes crashing down. Cue this mortal coils.

0:37:44 Anne: And then he'll have to move in.

0:37:39 Heath: Unless you let me bite fingers and well

0:37:49 Eli: Narc

0:37:49 Thomas: A minute. I just realized when podcasting crashes, is he the only one who was smart enough to get a wife that like, know, has a good career that I'm trying to think.

0:37:59 Anne: Income.

0:37:59 Heath: Lydia's got career skills too I think you're set yeah

0:38:01 Eli: You fucking no he sabotaged her she had a great job does

0:38:02 Thomas: She, yeah, but she left. Yeah. But she could go back and get that job again.

0:38:06 Heath: I feel like lydia could very quickly become you job person if she wanted for

0:38:10 Eli: My life insurance count for this question okay

0:38:12 Thomas: Wait, no, you don't die. Wait, you're not dying. Do you get paid out if your job just like goes kind of bad? Oh, okay. I better, I better sign up for a lot of life insurance right now.

0:38:19 Eli: A step in the middle but yes there

0:38:23 Anne: You're luring your friend no there's

0:38:24 Eli: A step and then yeah

0:38:27 Heath: Can you get life insurance on the concept of podcasting and it's death we

0:38:30 Anne: They did a clause about that

0:38:27 Eli: It's it's called legal advice not legal instruction I'll I'll take my chances. I drive fast a lot. We talk about it all the time.

0:38:40 Heath: Should be able to get ai insurance like that should actually be a thing for people whose jobs is gonna get fucked by this like that should figure out ai insurance yeah

0:38:41 Anne: I actually

0:38:44 Thomas: That's interesting yeah huh yeah yeah

0:38:48 Eli: AI insurance. I

0:38:50 Anne: Was having a conversation with somebody about this like this is very not funny but like there needs to be ai fucked up insurance I'm sure it already exists this right your current I used to be an insurance lawyer like whatever current policies obviously don't cover right was an error there was a problem but it was caused by reliance on ai

0:39:09 Heath: I just checked with claude and claude said that's impossible that makes no sense what are you talking about

0:39:14 Eli: Yeah. I've never made a mistake in my entire life. I have a shirt that says, you're absolutely right with the Claude logo on it. And it is, aside from my Dungeon Crawler Carl shirts, it is the one that strangers point at the most often to go like, ah! They

0:39:22 Thomas: That's awesome man

0:39:29 Anne: Great that is a great one

0:39:31 Thomas: I want to get that wait

0:39:31 Eli: Deeply enjoy it it's true alright and right before we go I would like to take you through a couple of our hottest takes our most controversial issues here dads to get your official weigh -ins obviously we've gone back we've gone forth on various things let's take it very back to one of our earliest hot takes and

0:39:59 Heath: So are we doing like hot or not right now okay

0:40:02 Eli: Exactly and Man, opening doors for your partners like a psychopath the way Tom does, sexist or no?

0:40:02 Anne: Like lightning round okay yes don't

0:40:11 Thomas: What do you like just opening at all

0:40:12 Eli: One of our earliest controversies was Tom being like, If a woman tries to open a door in front of me, I will kill myself in front of that door and home.

0:40:21 Anne: Don't make it fucking weird don't be weird I

0:40:23 Eli: Tom does.

0:40:23 Anne: I DON'T like it in romance or in business. I'm like, we're just treat me normal. We're same. Can open doors. I can hold it for you.

0:40:30 Eli: Anti -opening door. Oh, I would never let a woman hold the door for me. That's, why don't you just big spoon me? Which brings me, I

0:40:33 Anne: Hold men all the time, it's I will. It's my favorite power move. I love it.

0:40:39 Eli: Throw up through that door.

0:40:40 Heath: I I will not go in a door I stop until ann opens it for me I stop like a dog at a crosswalk

0:40:47 Anne: Been late to so many things. How

0:40:49 Eli: An effete little kitten just meowing and gently pawing at the door while you wait for Anne to drive over to your house and open it. This makes a lot of sense. All right, speaking of hot takes that are amazing and true, can men, again, this counts for queer relationships as well, stop making it a homophobia thing, can men be the little spoon?

0:41:09 Heath: I'm almost always a little

0:41:12 Eli: Is madness. This is madness.

0:41:14 Thomas: Almost okay

0:41:14 Anne: Much bigger he is. Think about how impossible it is for him to be actually little spoon to anyone it's but he still tries

0:41:15 Thomas: Almost always is it now we're okay yeah we're gonna need a bigger spoon

0:41:23 Heath: It's fun It's like a giant ladle And then there's like a thimble behind it And it's delightful

0:41:28 Eli: It's like the scene in an action movie where the good guy has to bring the bad guy down. Right? Where they have to like choke him until they fall asleep but the giant's too big.

0:41:38 Thomas: You're thinking yeah like princess bride you're thinkin

0:41:40 Eli: Princess Bride - Exactly. Yes. Podcast listener we cut it out so you probably missed it but Anne had to step away for a second to weep about Heath's answer about being a little spoon but before then she gave us a great tease which is that Heath apparently said something in his sleep the other night I

0:41:41 Heath: What No No I don't even remember What it was Shit

0:41:58 Anne: He said, okay, this may be another reason for, the separate houses, but he he, is a sleep talker. I am still adjusting to this.

0:42:05 Eli: Am aware of this yeah

0:42:07 Anne: Absolutely said it's the craziest shit in his sleep. Most of the time I don't remember because it's the middle of the night. This is what happened the other night. He chuckled. He's like And then he did a perfect, spot -on Bill Clinton impression and went, I feel your pain.

0:42:06 Heath: Always podcasting

0:42:29 Anne: For real. For real, so for real.

0:42:26 Eli: Amazing incredible

0:42:28 Heath: Seriously okay

0:42:22 Thomas: Way way that's a hard thing to make up I believe it because like that's tough one to make out wow

0:42:37 Anne: Then nothing. And then silence. Back to sleep.

0:42:40 Heath: I get I could see how that was in my head we were talking about bill clinton and his voice like a month ago so maybe that's how it popped in to my subconscious and

0:42:41 Thomas: That's incredible

0:42:47 Eli: It's all all it's all coming together all right well and writes thank you so much for once again filling in for that slacker tom we appreciate you we appreciate everything you do uh people want to hear more from you where should they go and

0:43:02 Heath: I don't know the answers and Eli will help we have podcasts

0:43:06 Eli: We have podcasts go to platinum night oh yeah honestly we should plug that because ann and heath have started doing the second half of mostly Anne but Heath sort of helps the way like a shake and bake style and they've started doing a pub trivia at the end of every Platinum Night and people are loving it so loved some Anne here and you want even more come to a Platinum Knight and do pub trivia with us

0:43:06 Anne: To platinum night we're

0:43:09 Heath: Go to pub trivia yeah mostly and I help yeah and you might get your names of your winning team if you win on a stanley cup -esque trophy that we are creating that will have rings of metal with etched in winners names and

0:43:35 Anne: Working on it we

0:43:34 Eli: Heath is so excited about this Heath has only dictated like three things in the history of our company one was the nice tri -blend t -shirts and this This other one is that there will be a large trophy and the names will be. We were just informed. It wasn't even a question. It was like, hey, just so you know, when you see this charge on the card.

0:43:49 Heath: People love them

0:43:52 Anne: Stanley cup thanks

0:43:58 Thomas: He cares about the important things. I get it. Pick your spots.

0:44:03 Eli: So much for joining us.

0:44:05 Anne: For the great questions everybody thanks for having us rip into it oh

0:44:07 Heath: Rip into it rip

0:44:11 Thomas: Wait, is Anne like across the room now or?

0:44:11 Eli: All

0:44:11 Heath: Into it that's

0:44:13 Anne: Sorry sorry I stood up I

0:44:21 Eli: Right, before we go, did you know that bees are actually allergic to pollen? Yeah, turns out they develop hives.

0:44:31 Thomas: I like that. That was good.

0:44:32 Heath: Not bad that's so much better than a lot of those I

0:44:41 Clip: Want to meet sexy DILFs in your area? Email thedads at dearolddads .com or better yet, send us a message on Patreon. You can follow us on all social media by checking the links in the show notes. And if you need more podcasts in your life, you can find Tom on Cognitive Dissonance, Thomas on Serious Inquiries Only, and Eli on Godawful Movies and all the Puzzle and the Thunderstorm shows. Dear Old Dads is edited and produced by my favorite DILf, Tom Smith, who also wrote and recorded the intro music, which is used with his permission. This podcast is a production of Daddy Issues, LLC, copyright 2022, all rights reserved.

0:45:23 Eli: Tom is still sick.

0:45:26 Anne: As your lawyer and your wife, I'm just claiming all of this.

0:45:30 Heath: Thomas is officially my lawyer and he has noted that with prejudice. Thank you. You I love you

0:45:39 Thomas: Reminds me of a young Amelia Earhart.

0:45:44 Eli: Bottom eleanor roosevelt yeah mean, obviously it's been crazy how much hotter and better my wife is than me in all possible ways. Sorry. Give me two seconds.

0:45:54 Thomas: Has to look up who his wife is. Yeah.

0:45:58 Heath: So bad

0:45:59 Eli: So bad. So called legal advice not legal instruction I'll

0:46:04 Anne: And don't let me forget to tell you about what he said in his sleep the other night.

0:46:10 Thomas: Wow that's we should have used that for like a commercial break that was so good yeah

0:46:11 Heath: Calls over Calls ever And let's wrap it Hey

0:46:15 Eli: Wrap it. Let's cut it out right there. That was a good one.

0:46:20 Thomas: Going to be a mess to edit. Lydia. You.