DOD292: Thomas Turns Old

Transcript

This transcript was generated automatically and may contain errors — the audio is the record.

0:00:02 Clip: I'm the cool dad, that's my thing I know now what I can offer you that no one else can Complete and under-dependent I'm a man, I'm sensitive I need to feel loved, I need part of being a father that I enjoy

0:00:28 Tom: Welcome to Dear Old Dads, the podcast that can't get out of a chair without a long sigh. I'm Tom Curry. I'm joined as always by Thomas Smith and Eli Bosnick. Hello, gentlemen.

0:00:38 Thomas: Well, hello. Hello, whippersnappers.

0:00:42 Tom: Can you hear us from across the face of time, Thomas Smith?

0:00:42 Eli: Oh,

0:00:42 Thomas: I've got some candies in my... I'm gonna turn up my hearing aid so that I can hear you, fellas.

0:00:48 Eli: It's grandpappy Thomas.

0:00:49 Tom: Hey, did you get the big box of Werther's Originals I sent to you? I want to know. Yeah.

0:00:52 Thomas: Yes, I sure did.

0:00:54 Eli: I'll die with it half full.

0:00:56 Thomas: I put them all in my front breast pocket. They're all... Oh, no. No one has ever turned this old. I'm an age... I Don't even... Should we even say?

0:01:00 Tom: Welcome to my decade, you bitch.

0:01:10 Thomas: It's obscene. I'm an age that no one we know has ever been It's the oldest anyone's ever been

0:01:10 Eli: Now, Here's the cool thing about turning 40.

0:01:19 Thomas: Bleep that Bleep dat

0:01:20 Tom: Says the guy who's not turned 40.

0:01:20 Eli: Thomas. You don't ever have to have a dream or a goal or an ambition ever again, because you know what? You're not Morgan Freeman.

0:01:31 Tom: Okay. This is true.

0:01:31 Eli: You're not no one is you nobody wants a 40 year old guy to do anything go to work yep

0:01:38 Thomas: So what you're saying is I should have gotten to the shit I meant to do this whole time And now that I didn't Nah man

0:01:42 Eli: It's but it's too but here's the thing you're free you're fucking free because it's yeah you're afraid because it not gonna happen

0:01:46 Tom: That's I literally wrote down you're free. Yeah.

0:01:51 Thomas: I'll never be free from the prison of my own mind Until

0:01:53 Eli: No that's how yeah you'll be sad but but again nobody fucking cares

0:01:54 Thomas: I lose it Until I Yeah Yeah well, it interacts with my age and that I will still have

0:01:56 Tom: But that has nothing to do with your age, Thomas. You've been in that hell for, I don't know, how old are you? 40 years. Yes.

0:02:04 Thomas: Expectations of myself and it'll be way harder to meet them now because I'm old. Yeah.

0:02:07 Eli: Yeah but think about how much easier it is because nobody cares right you're sad in your 20s they're They're like, don't worry, you're in your 20s. You're still figuring it out. You're sad in your 30s. They're, like, oh, man, I'm really sorry to hear you're sad. Maybe you should check it out and see if you're... You're said in your 40s. They're , like, yeah, man. You're in 40s, of course you're said, mm

0:02:21 Thomas: Uh, see, here's what sucks. I've always been so self -driven that all the pressures come internally anyway. And so I don't even get the relief of like, Oh, less pressure. Cause it's all just internal anyway. So I'm just fucked. I'm I'm just the same amount of fucks and I'm old. So it's even worse.

0:02:37 Tom: Thomas, as the cartilage in your knees breaks down, so too should your dreams. Just allow them to just completely collapse and be be absorbed into your bloodstream I mean like having dreams is for young people having dreams and goals and relevance that's that's a young person's game you get to live in the joyous anonymity of not mattering

0:02:44 Thomas: We'll see. Look, I'll do my best. I'll talk to him. Yeah. Yeah.

0:02:59 Thomas: Easy for you to say you're still young. You're not fucking 40 like me. I know you aren't because you wouldn't. There's no way you'd still be podcasting or working or doing anything. It's impossible. Too old.

0:03:01 Tom: Anymore once you turn 40 it's over yeah Yeah.

0:03:09 Eli: But he's not, right? That's the wonderful thing. He's not really doing any of those things. We love our friend, Tom. I love being on a show with him. If right now there was a loud bang from either side, Tom would be, like. Oh, all right, something else, right. Right? Because he's not really doing any of those things the way young people do them. Right? Any of those thing.

0:03:27 Tom: Wait, what? I feel like I am. What am I not doing? What? Uh -huh.

0:03:32 Eli: Tom, if you woke up tomorrow and you were a surgeon with the same skill set making the same amount of money, you know what you'd do? Nothing. You'd be like, okay, time to do brain shit or whatever. You know why? Because you're not doing any that shit. It doesn't fucking matter. None of that shit, what do I do for a living? I'm 40. That's what I do. For a living. I try not to die. Yeah it's

0:03:46 Thomas: What

0:03:52 Tom: Yeah. In terms of like figuring it out. Like, yeah, the figuring it Out phase of your life is long. Yeah, I agree. So that's, that's where you're headed. Yeah. The, the Figuring It Out phase of your Life is over. Like this is it. This is it, this is the path.

0:04:03 Eli: Over the growth is over right like you might get like a promotion at work or like a lateral move or get fired and have a horrible terrible life but most of the time the rest of your life after you're 40 is your life when you're 40 for the next 30 years for the next young man you will just be who you are and what you are exactly Exactly.

0:04:05 Thomas: I don't like that

0:04:26 Tom: But I will say this, jokes aside, hold on a second, I will say, as a man who's eight years into his 40s, eight years into His 40s an old piece of shit, I'll tell you, like in a lot of ways, your 40s fucking rule, they actually really do because like, well, and also like in your 30s, you're building everything, right?

0:04:37 Thomas: Cool that's holy fucking shit I've been podcasting with an old fucking piece of shit this whole time yeah

0:04:49 Eli: Oh, yeah. The pressure's off. Mm-hmm. Yep.

0:04:55 Tom: You start off your 30's, you're fucking broke, don't have much to your name, you are establishing everything, you are building your career, you making your connections, you You don't have a fucking pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of. You're trying to build a family. But now, all that foundational stuff is done. Like, all of that foundational stuff, all those bricks are laid. And now, you're just like, alright, cool. So, I get to just be? And I don't get to be? I don' t have this stress of like, oh, I gotta figure out my career. No, I figured out my career.

0:05:24 Tom: Oh, I'm trying to keep the fucking actual utility bills paid. Oh, no. Actually, that's fine now. If you're lucky, You don't have to worry about that. If you're lucky, you don't have to Worry about that your 40s are a time where like your earning potential tends to be at or near its highest point. You're probably like establishing your romantic relationships that are in are pretty well like comfortable in that space. Even if you've had a big reset, you've probably had the big reset already.

0:05:25 Thomas: Man geez check your privilege yeah so I should be on my second marriage now is that what you're saying shit god damn

0:05:54 Tom: So if you're going to have a big reset many people have already done it at this point. So I'm just saying like I have enjoyed my 40s.

0:05:59 Thomas: It way behind oh

0:06:03 Eli: A second marriage is a great example. We know people who've gotten married a second time. Did you give a fuck? Absolutely not. I'm getting married again. Who fucking cares, man? You're in your 40s, right? You can do pretty much anything except, like, hit your wife, hit your kids, fuck your kids in your 30s, and everyone goes, like, all right, whatever. It doesn't matter because you're free. Now, Thomas was a little bit of a negative Nancy, and he did point out that not everyone has those things in their 40s, but let me give them a little hope, because if you haven't figured that stuff out by your 40s Guess what? You're not going to. No fucking, oh, how much did I need to start my millionaire business? 41 years is what it took for me. You're good. You're good. Settle in at fucking Carby's. Just whatever it is you're doing, you keep doing it.

0:06:30 Tom: True facts.

0:06:58 Eli: It's fucking, it's the best, man. And now here's the thing Tom is approaching 50s 50s because here's the thing in your 40s you still got to be a healthy adult when you are not healthy in your 40s your doctor goes you really gotta stop eating steak and you gotta start eating broccoli and you go when you're not healthy and you're 50s they're like yeah

0:06:58 Thomas: Well yeah yeah oh my god

0:07:05 Tom: Am. I am I feel

0:07:21 Thomas: You're ready to

0:07:22 Eli: Yep and when well no no no because when you're here's a nice thing and this isn't your 50s it used to be your 50's they stole it from us they've taken so much from us the radical left but you used to be in your 50s you were allowed to die and nobody cared now that's your 60s now when you are 60 the day

0:07:35 Thomas: Die uh okay

0:07:39 Tom: Like that's your hard 70s, man Oh,

0:07:39 Eli: You turn 60 no no that's what old people say to not feel bad about the fact that if they died tomorrow people would go uh -huh that's so it's 40s your life is figured out or it's not who cares 50s your health is figured out or it's not who cares 60 you can literally die and everyone goes 60

0:08:02 Thomas: Boy I don't know yeah I was just gonna ask what the

0:08:05 Tom: I don't know about that, yeah

0:08:05 Thomas: Age is what's the age where someone dies and you're like yeah okay that's yeah Yeah. No. Dear God, no. That's at least 70s.

0:08:10 Eli: 60 years old now 60 a 60 year you name a 60 year old man you know right now who would drop dead and you would go oh no not a fucking one not a

0:08:10 Tom: I feel that's in the 70s No, no, that's crazy Eli's wrong No, my friend Kevin My friend Kevin is 63 years old And like, yeah The guy I went hunting with

0:08:25 Thomas: Tom's friend, Kevin. I'm using the same one.

0:08:27 Eli: Single you'd miss Kevin you wouldn't be like oh Oh, no!

0:08:30 Thomas: I don't associate with old people, so I don'T.

0:08:32 Tom: I would miss Kevin, I would be shocked He's healthier than most people I know, like by a long stretch.

0:08:35 Thomas: First off, there's no 60 something year old guy named Kevin. You're making that up. That's fucking.

0:08:42 Eli: Called out, first of all.

0:08:42 Thomas: Kevin is from home alone. That's a sign of the times right there that there's an old Kevin. It's like, yeah, it's That's my friend fucking Ryan or something is like 70. You're like, there's no 70 year old Ryans. That's damn it. There is now. Fuck. That's what being old is. Anyway, hold on. The only thing worse than fucking being old is nothing. It's the worst. I take auto ads over being old right now.

0:09:04 Eli: Yes, the auto -ads. The turning?

0:09:05 Thomas: How many auto ads can I listen to rewind me 10 years?

0:09:08 Eli: Oh, honestly, I feel like the auto ads age you, but you can stay forever young in your podcast experience over at patreon.com/dear old dads where, for as little as a dollar, you get a commercial -free version of every single show, plus a little bonus episode every single month as the months tick away, counting down the moments till Thomas' inevitable death. So too do the auto ads take away from our patrons who give us just a dollar over at patreon.com/dear old dads rip into it like time into thomas's psyche and potential

0:09:50 Ad: [Ad break 1 — ad music]

0:09:52 Thomas: I think we need to start going by biological age so I can be the youngest one on the show again. You know, like just let's all get an evaluation from a physician and then actually tom tom will be the youngest we do that's that's the bit we do a whole thing like all right biologically

0:10:00 Eli: And then tom gets to be the second youngest that's nice and then the oil that makes up certain products on our desks get to be third youngest and then there's me there I am right after or the petroleum in the pen that you're holding or whatever.

0:10:16 Thomas: Man oh my god

0:10:16 Tom: I wonder if there's any truthiness, because I think it's not true, even truthiness to that biological age stuff for the measure. No, it's all fucking snake oil bullshit, right? Right?

0:10:26 Thomas: No yeah I think it's mostly not true I think there's like some markers you can do maybe but I don't know how fucking

0:10:33 Eli: You guys follow Brian Johnson?

0:10:33 Thomas: Much it matters of course yeah there's this yeah it's the weirdest thing

0:10:36 Tom: No, absolutely. I refuse to.

0:10:36 Eli: God, I fucking love that dude. Tom, you gotta get on the B -John's train. He's gonna die and it's the funny... He's like the third funniest death that's gonna happen.

0:10:47 Tom: I vaguely know what he is, but

0:10:50 Thomas: Well you know what's funny is it put me in a weird position when I saw that headline and it's like brian johnson has fucking immune What? No, what is it? Autoimmune? Yeah and then I saw his quote and he was like well actually I would have gotten this regardless and the fact that I monitor everything means I caught her I was like you know I actually think he's right about that it kind of sucks that he's a punchline well it doesn't suck but like sucks for that guy that he's a punchline now oh the guy who tried to live forever gets a thing it's like he actually for the quote I saw I don't know I don'T fucking this guy seems weird but I did see a weirdly like reasonable quote about it which is like oh shit he was like I always knew you know you just could get unlucky and like just you have something that kills you early I was like oh is that how he's damn it I wanted it to be funnier

0:10:58 Tom: It's an autoimmune gastritis.

0:11:34 Eli: Look, if his brand was I'm the guy who pays too much attention to his health, he would not be universal mockery. He just keeps saying I'm not gonna die so every time he gets closer to fucking dying it's great right

0:11:39 Thomas: Yeah that's true I'm gonna live forever yeah that's a good point thank god you're right that is still funny I I I must have seen some pro brian propaganda

0:11:51 Eli: Here's a really good example he freezes and examines each of his girlfriend's periods and because of that yes

0:12:01 Tom: Excuse me?

0:12:00 Thomas: What That's just being a creep

0:12:04 Tom: Examines for what?

0:12:06 Eli: Well so many things I'm so glad you asked you he made a whole Facebook post about it you should check it out because you should be on the fucking b john's oh my god out. Now I'm going to find it. You know what, gentlemen, you forced my hand. Let me look up Brian Johnson. Here he is.

0:12:11 Thomas: That can't be real yeah yeah

0:12:20 Tom: Like he examines it himself?

0:12:21 Thomas: I I really have he's very hands -on

0:12:22 Tom: What do you mean like saves her period? Like saves a tampon or what? What does he even do?

0:12:27 Thomas: Dude horseshoe theory of weirdness okay

0:12:30 Eli: Okay, the first post that comes up when I Google him is the world wants me to die.

0:12:31 Tom: I don't like this.

0:12:40 Eli: Okay here we go. So this is his post from July 31st.

0:12:40 Thomas: That's funny this is real actual

0:12:45 Eli: Uh -huh. It says I love being on this journey with Kate. It's a Twitter thread, so here we go. Kate's period blood is in my negative 80 degrees Celsius freezer, around 10 milliliters. Menstrual blood is valuable and underutilized. We collected to look for diseased tissue, measure microplastics, measure endocrine disruptors, measure PFAS. It is a non -invasive look into the uterus. This is great because you you get the data without surgical biopsy. It can be repeated every single cycle, and it measures the uterine environment directly instead of inferring it from a standard blood draw. Her sample contains endometrial cells, immune cells, stem cells. She collected the blood during her last cycle.

0:12:40 Tom: Wait

0:12:49 Thomas: Real oh my god uh -huh

0:13:02 Tom: What

0:13:32 Thomas: Just let her do that and talk about it I don't want to hear you talking about it

0:13:35 Tom: I don't like this this is weird this is the weirdest fucking behavior a person can engage

0:13:41 Thomas: Yeah it really is it's unpleasant

0:13:43 Eli: Everything he posts is this. You guys are missing out. We had diagnosed her endometriosis in 42 days, 57 times faster than the average 6 .6 years. And we did so non -invasively while standard is surgery to diagnose. Over the next 100 days, Kate will complete the most qualified measurement of the female cycle in history. I like that Kate is a science experiment with me. And then there's a picture of them hugging it's

0:13:46 Tom: In oh my god uh what

0:14:15 Thomas: Yeah there's someone for everyone maybe I don' t know

0:14:19 Eli: Every fucking post it's everything he says

0:14:24 Thomas: It's the weirdest thing anyone's ever said

0:14:24 Eli: Is the stupidest funniest thing anyone who is claims to never die could say right again like I have weirdos like this in my life not uterine blood weirdos but like take too much time with my health weirdos right in my life I wish them well I hope they don't die but if you first of all hoarded a billion dollars right already you are a morally reprehensible human being I think he's a billionaire and then on top of that his profile picture on facebook is just the words don't

0:14:49 Thomas: Yeah is he actually a billionaire I thought anyway I hate

0:15:01 Eli: Die it's just guys it's Just Don't Die that's so funny

0:15:02 Tom: What god but

0:15:08 Thomas: To ask the most cliche easy question in the world but like what are you living for man like what just merely not dying

0:15:15 Tom: I was gonna ask the same thing like

0:15:15 Eli: I'm not dying

0:15:17 Thomas: Is not anything man that's nothing

0:15:20 Tom: Seems like eh let's kind of like transition gently away from that because like I wonder though like like do we have an obligation to not die as parents you just turned 40 obviously your your bones are now going to turn to dust and your ligaments are all going to snap at some point

0:15:33 Eli: You die so soon oh you're gonna die so soon

0:15:36 Tom: I mean you're just you're on your way out you're biologically

0:15:39 Thomas: Yeah it's true

0:15:39 Eli: You should say a meaningful goodbye

0:15:39 Tom: Pointless at this you know right now but like I don't think that you're familially pointless

0:15:43 Thomas: Yeah that's true that's truth unlike most men I'm not useless in my family I'm mostly useless I've graduated

0:15:44 Tom: Yeah mostly useless yeah right that's the that's the

0:15:57 Thomas: Too. Yep, I want to thank my forefathers for setting the bar so fucking low that I am in the upper echelon of dads I'm I'm doing like a great job too I want to emphasize this is not me bragging it's just that they put the bar so low man it is just oh god even my old

0:15:57 Tom: Bar guys we're mostly useless god it's so fucking easy it'sso fucking easy to be a a good man right now I know that's a trend but like yeah But like what do you think the obligation is to your health to your

0:16:05 Eli: Yeah that's nice yeah yeah

0:16:21 Thomas: Bones can hobble over it yeah I wanted to ask Eli this specifically because eli has wanted to die for as long as he's lived I think so like when when do you give yourself like a bane voice or whatever only then I'll give you permission to die yeah yeah well

0:16:34 Eli: Oh, so much Only then may you die. Oh, fuck that'd be great well so here's the thing once max doesn't give a shit then I'm good that's now but then he later he'll care right he'll he'll turn 13 and he'll be like, I'm doing this heroin because my dad died.

0:16:48 Thomas: That's now sorry Sorry. Okay, yeah, that's true.

0:16:57 Thomas: If I left it up to Remy, I'd be dead already. So I don't, yeah. No.

0:16:58 Tom: Family yeah right

0:17:01 Eli: I'd been, I'd been dead from minute one. Yeah. He didn't give a shit, but he'll care when he's older. So I got to, but then at a certain age, he'll be like, all right, man, fuck off. And I'll be like, okay. Then I just got to win an argument with my wife, which I feel like I will, depending on how many fiddle jams she has that week. Like if I can convince her that she can do three jams in a a country dance the week I die because everyone will understand that her husband died she'll be like oh fine yeah yeah exactly yep

0:17:32 Thomas: She has to do the Bane voice though. Only that. I should not. Not I just had the funniest vision of like eli saving his life like a dad who saved some collection of something for his kid and his kids like oh I'm not into that you know what I mean it's like all right I've kept myself alive for you son and then he gets to a certain age he's like I'm Not into nintendo man I'm, not into you know, whatever the thing is you've been saving for him. Yeah.

0:17:58 Eli: Well First of all, that's magic like there's so much fucking magic on the wall behind me there's such a lot of magic there's a lot so much incredibly expensive magic on the wall behind me right now with my body in the space hey he's six this is the age to get into magic not a lot of people are like 18 is when I truly discovered the art of illusion right and certainly not people who believe in consent so we're really hoping that he gets tick tock on fucking magic uh so yeah it's magic it's also here's a weird thing right because I'm raising him to be a better person than me it's also money like the truth is I'm probably gonna leave Max more money than a good person would want and he'll be like oh no I'm gonna give away a bunch of that money it's kind of gross that dad arranged for me to have this much money yuck he'll cancel me he'll counsel me and be like that's not you should have just sort of taken care of me but like this weird paranoia about what if

0:18:51 Thomas: Wow. He'll cancel you as you die. Yeah, first off,

0:19:01 Eli: I have to make a car payment men it's kind of I

0:19:03 Thomas: I have to ask Eli, do you watch Hacks? We're catching up on it, and we just got to the part in the latest season where she's dating a guy he said has a big reveal of I'm a sex worker and she's like oh so sex positive and whatever and then he later is like actually my true passion is magic and he wants to be a magician and then and then when they meet people he tries to introduce himself as like a magician she's no he's a sex work he's just it's like way less embarrassing to her which is accurate

0:19:06 Eli: Do watch hacks it's a sex work yep yeah yeah

0:19:34 Tom: I think about this question but like I'm I'm actually really interested in this from you you guys too because you both have lost your dads at this point like your dads have passed on and my dad oh yeah my dad had a big heart attack when he was 53 which was when I was 23 years old and like that didn't have the seismic impact that it eventually had on me like yeah well he actually had the heart attack in the hospital is how he survived it yeah

0:19:45 Thomas: I do forget. Jesus. They didn't even have hospitals back then. How did he survive? Oh yeah. And then some guy gave him opium and it worked, I guess. I don't know what they did back then?

0:20:00 Eli: In the hospital yeah

0:20:09 Tom: It's actually kind of funny he was literally on the stress test he was doing the stress test because he was having some issues and they were they were running it through and like we blew that fucking giant fucking blowout and they like literally did emergency surgery for him right there and he watched it on the monitor

0:20:20 Thomas: Did the inventor of that stress test think, I nailed it or uh -oh, oh, I've gone too far, you know? Yeah.

0:20:29 Eli: Got it fucking

0:20:30 Tom: Yeah right this was it turns out quite

0:20:34 Eli: Oh yeah, the dude who ordered that was just spent the whole week being like oh how did that uh would that stress test necessary because uh her insurance was telling me that maybe you didn't need it and I just wanted to check if you need it yeah I mean so my dad is a great example of how brian johnson is wrong and you can't control anything right like my dad was the strongest healthiest person in the universe again I'll remind you that my father bench -pressed I believe 375 pounds seconds before he died he put that bar up in the air and then he was like like, hmm,

0:21:04 Tom: Stressful my god

0:21:05 Thomas: Man. Well, that's a good way to go out.

0:21:10 Tom: Powerful guy jesus christ

0:21:10 Eli: Squoop. And then he was in heaven with Jesus.

0:21:13 Thomas: Went out a legend, man, went out a fight. That's how Tom wants to go. Tom wants to deadlift 600 or whatever the fuck he does and then die on the spot. Lot.

0:21:20 Eli: Yeah. Yeah, so my answer is, look, I don't need to be healthy, right?

0:21:20 Tom: And then just go go out that's it it uh

0:21:27 Eli: If I look like this and am strong and am healthy like this, fine. I don' t need to fucking yoga instructor healthy. I just need not to be sick dad.

0:21:39 Thomas: Man.

0:21:39 Eli: You You ever have a friend with a sick dad?

0:21:42 Thomas: No.

0:21:43 Eli: There's nothing, nothing worse you can do to your family. And 40 is the fucking years, right? Because you have your first heart attack at 40.

0:21:41 Tom: Yeah

0:21:49 Thomas: Yep. Oh shit. I got to schedule that.

0:21:54 Eli: My dad had a heart attack. Is he okay? Yeah, he's recovering okay. Okay, cool. What's your family doing? We're mostly focusing on our dad. Really? You're like 10. Are you sure you want to put your focus on an old man who wouldn't stop eating steak? No, no. It's sort of what our whole lives have become about. We're all eating broccoli and he's mad at us oh okay cool how's that affecting your development badly fucking fucking man or and let me say this genuinely die my dad died sad my dad has been slowly dying since 1992 fucking awful because

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0:22:36 Thomas: So I, you know, we, we've had this conversation. I want to have it again a little bit. The whole, uh, the man, the brand of men. No, no, I'm I'll double down at the brand of men who don't take care of themselves. And then their wife does everything and does the pills and does the whatever is the most cowardly bullshit. That's the, I'll never do that. I'll ever do that. Yes, my wife will probably have to remind me to get a prescription. No, I put reminders. I'm not even going to make the joke. She'll pick it up for me.

0:22:42 Eli: Now it's about

0:23:06 Thomas: But other than that, I'm remembering, I managing my shit.

0:23:07 Tom: Was gonna call you out so

0:23:08 Eli: You and she needs to get her sunglasses from somewhere so that's what that car right Yeah,

0:23:11 Tom: Hard I was like there's no way you've ever gone to get a prescription in your life in your

0:23:15 Eli: There's a button. Yeah.

0:23:17 Thomas: Oh, that's not true. I do. I manage that. And I'll do you one better. I am the one who's on the other side being like, Lydia, you should go to the the doctor you should tell the doctor what's actually happening to you like an honest person because I'm the only fucking non-insane person I hate it I hate I have others in my family currently extended family who aren't taking care of themselves I hate It's a cruel thing to do to other people to be like the guy who's like won't go to the doctor when something's clearly fucking wrong and then it's this exercise I think it's male loneliness epidemic I don't know what it is It's this way that they have to feel cared for. What is it? We've talked about it and I want to talk about it again. What do you think that is? It's like, it's not really a manliness thing, I don't think, in a true sense of manliness because it ends up being the most feeble bullshit. You know, like you're not a heroic man if you're like, oh, can you please give me my pills, my wife, and do all my stuff for me? That's not manly.

0:23:28 Tom: Life

0:24:15 Eli: Yeah, yeah. There's nothing masculine about the last 10 years of your life being wheeled around while everyone says hi to pop pop. There is fucking there's not. I mean, look, I know that we sort of try and reverse the stereotypes around masculinity and it all being about strength and all being about, you know, fuck who you fuck and what you can lift and all that kind of stuff. But I think we have to find some form of universal agreement that just being nothing but a self -imposed harm to your family is not good.

0:24:45 Thomas: Self-imposed. That's the key. Yeah, yeah, self imposed. Because if you're sick you're sick if that whatever that's a thing but like that's the self -imposed part that I do want to emphasize yeah

0:24:53 Tom: Yeah I'll grab that real quick too and say like I think there's like to your point about like your dad eli like there some shit you can't guard Which, OK, like put that in the bucket called, all right, shit happens. There's nothing I can do about it. But then there's all the stuff that you can do something about.

0:25:07 Tom: And you have an obligation, an obligation to your kids and to your wife to do what you can, I think, to avoid that stuff before you ever ask somebody else to take good care of you. Right. Like, I think it is really fucking unkind to ask somebody to do for you what you were unwilling to do for yourself. That's a fucked up thing to do. But like dudes for a long time, they transition for generations. The transition was mom took care of this boy, raised him into a biological male, like adult man. Right. But it's not actually a man because they don't actually have any skills on how to make a doctor's appointment or fend for themselves or take care of themselves because mom does all that stuff for you up until the point they release you into the wild. And by being released into the world, for many men, what that means is the wife takes care of that stuff.

0:25:30 Eli: 100%.

0:25:40 Thomas: For sure yeah released into the care of another woman quote-unquote wild

0:26:07 Tom: So wives become de facto moms, right? They become this caretaker of their men. And that is fucking gross, right. I think like we all agree like that's fucking gross. But these guys have literally never developed these skills because anything that was sort of in that realm was looked at as being domestic. And domesticity was always associated with the feminine for like generations and generations. Generations so they arrive at this place where now they've aged and they actually need to care for their health because they can't just put everything on the you know my youth fixes everything back burner and they just don't have any fucking skills on how to like make a doctor's appointment because somebody else does that for me or like remember to take a medicine because somebody reminds me of that stuff and that's somebody else's responsibility I look at all of that and I think I think about this personally I haven't mentioned this on the show but I have a a sleep disorder, that means that I have a between 70 % and 90 % chance of getting Parkinson's. And if that happens, I'll need help. I will just need help if I get Parkinson's, right? There may come a time, there's a pretty high likelihood, like it's not a coin flip. So if that happened, and I need help, I can only feel good about myself saying, hey, I need health. If I can also say, but I did everything I could to kick that can as far down the road as possible.

0:27:25 Thomas: There's where Tom makes it insane that's where no I'm just teasing it's like I think if something happens to get Parkinson's you know I feel like you deserve help man I I don't think you have,

0:27:29 Tom: Why is that insane what's insane about that I okay well no I'm not saying I don't deserve

0:27:38 Thomas: I don'T THINK PEOPLE SHOULD BE MEANS TESTING YOU FOR, OH, OKAY. HEAR HIM OUT.

0:27:40 Eli: No, hear him out. Hear him out, and

0:27:41 Tom: It no but I but what I'm saying is like as soon as I find out that I have a high likelihood of getting Parkinson's then I should change my behaviors right so I should do I should look at that up and find out okay well what kicks the can down the road has the highest likelihood of kicking the can on the road and then make life changes in order to do everything I can and then that way if it happens I can with for me at least a clear conscience say hey I need help but I tried as hard as I could to kick this can down the road as many years as I Could so I'm less of a burden to you as possible what I think is fucked up is when you're just like yeah I don't know I'm just going to neglect myself and then that burden will fall on you longer or more and it's like well no if somebody said like I'm not going to do that work because you didn't care about yourself you can't make me care for you I think that's a perfectly reasonable thing to do I think neglecting yourself to the point that you burden other

0:28:37 Tom: People is fucking mean and it borders on abuse

0:28:39 Thomas: FOR SURE。 YEAH. NOW, MY DAD COULD EASILY STILL BE ALIVE. AND THERE'S, THERE'S BEEN TIMES, YOU KNOW, WHERE I'M LIKE, MAN, I CAN'T SAY THAT I'M MISSING MY ACTUAL DAD, BUT I OFTEN MISS, LIKE, THE IDEA OF WHAT MY DAT COULDAVE BEEN IF HE DIDN'T SUCK QUITE SO MUCH. AND I 'LL BE LIKE, man, he could still be here right now. Now, sometimes I'll be like, ah, I wish I could tell him about this thing. And then I visualize how that would actually go. And I'm like, eh, never mind. But like, yeah, yeah. Exactly. It wouldn't matter. But, you know, I do. Yeah. Some some fucking obnoxious comment or. Oh, I like I miss being insulted when I try to share something with you, you know, but the idea of my dad. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. That's why you can't die.

0:29:04 Tom: So he could not care about it like yeah I miss that indifference I'm gonna go tell a broom I'm gonna tell a broom in the corner that'll be the same I'll put a mustache on

0:29:20 Eli: That's what you got me for, buddy. That's right. Someone should not want me to die.

0:29:28 Thomas: He has an obligation to still roast me yeah oh man

0:29:34 Eli: It's just Thomas gets up from my funeral. Stupid. This is an impersonation of my voice.

0:29:42 Thomas: Tom can you do it fuck someone someone get me some uh Oh, man. Joking all aside, the main thing I hate about turning 40 is that I don't feel 40. I don' t feel old at all. I feel, well, part of it is that I've felt a certain kind of old for a very long time. And that hasn't changed. You know, my back's been hurting forever. Ever. So it's like, I've always had the stereotypical, like, ah, my net since I was like 20 something. So, but short of that, I feel very young and I feel like I just, I hate how fast it's gone mainly for my kids. Like, I just hate how Fast Time has gone for this special time, as Tom will say, you know, like kids change, kids turn into different versions of themselves that, you know, maybe they don't always, maybe my kids won't always love having me around in the same way that that they currently seem to. And I just hate how fast time is going. I just, it just sucks, man. I just want to slow it down. But I also feel like aging is, uh, in some part is kind of a mental thing. I think Tom embodies that pretty well. Like I would have never guessed he was as fucking decrepit and old as 48. Like if you met Tom, you wouldn't be like, Jesus, that, you know, that fucking record setting elderly. Yeah.

0:29:45 Eli: Gibbity, gibbity -bibbity. Gibbety -bivbity Norm MacDonald. And now to sing a hymn as himself. Tom. In the arms of the... He's doing the voice. Yeah.

0:31:05 Tom: It it's the deep immaturity that's why yeah

0:31:08 Eli: Yeah. That's what it is.

0:31:09 Thomas: Yeah, it's mental acuity, activeness, being able to to change, you know, and that really is what they say is like the way to stay younger mentally is to be doing new things because your brain really does maintain plasticity better when you're actually just changing what you do. And I want to do all that stuff. I want To stay alive to be around my kids, but I also kind of wouldn't mind pulling an Eli's dad.

0:31:23 Tom: 100 yeah

0:31:35 Thomas: You know, that's like the best way to do it.

0:31:37 Eli: Oh, yeah, baby.

0:31:37 Thomas: Honestly, your dad lucked out from his point of view, you you know, because you're just like high to your game.

0:31:35 Tom: Dying

0:31:43 Eli: Mm -hmm. Oh, gone.

0:31:43 Thomas: And all of a sudden, boom, gone. Like the part where you just, where you become a pain, even if despite your best efforts, you know like health -wise, you can eventually kind of become a paying a burden to people. That sucks. Sucks we can't just pick our time to just kind of yoink.

0:31:59 Eli: Well, I mean, you can.

0:31:59 Thomas: Yeah, sure you can.

0:32:02 Eli: That's the whole thing. I don't know if you've heard the voice in the back of my head since I was 11, but you can, in fact. Yoink, indeed, is what you can do.

0:32:07 Thomas: But you'll never feel that. I think Tom's made that point. Haven't you, Tom? Where it's like, you always have the attitude of ever am a bird and I'll go out and then like every stage of the way you're like well I can still do the crossword here you know I'm gonna it's hard yeah

0:32:22 Tom: Dying yeah there's a I think that that's what the evidence shows is that people for the most part find a reason to wake up again tomorrow you know most most most people do I think of my dad because my dad's 78 and he's not particularly mobile anymore so like he needs a chair that helps him stand up and he can't move around he can'T stand for more than about 10 minutes at a time all the things he used to do which he was a very very active guy he really can'T do a lot of him anymore but he's I've talked to him about it openly he's not unhappy with his life

0:32:30 Thomas: Why

0:32:28 Eli: Our cowards. Fucking chicken shit is what they are. Why?

0:32:55 Tom: He's just like yeah those were the things I used to do and now these are the things that I do now but like I think that he's recognized that he

0:32:57 Eli: Why isn't he unhappy with his life?

0:33:01 Thomas: Well because he can still get a healthy handshake from his missus from his not missus yeah I have a medication that helps me keep my hand up for their

0:33:05 Eli: Oh, I see Lynn twice in a decade for our annual fucking handshake, and that's when I know it's the best of moments. Fuck. Absolute. Ugh, Jesus. Not in a thousand years.

0:33:14 Tom: Is and I

0:33:14 Thomas: Handshake keeps my wrists hard as a rock yeah it

0:33:22 Tom: Think that's super common I think that that's actually like the more common if you ask people like that is a more common expression of like what it means as people age is their expectations change you don't expect to do all all the same things that you did at 78. You don't expect to do the same thing as you did even at 68 or 58 necessarily. And there's a lot of like adjustment that happens. I think the will to live is pretty strong. I have a very good friend of mine, very, very good friends whose dad died very unexpectedly and very quickly when we were in college. And well, not that quickly, but he literally thought he had a cold and he fell down and then it turned out he had cancer. And like we were all very shocked. Yeah, we're all very shocked, we were in our, you know, early 20s when this happened and it was very traumatic for my buddy and that's a guy in his 20s and I thought about that and I though about my dad's heart attack when I was 23 and I think that there's no time, especially in our formative years, like Eli's joke about when you're 13 or whatever, like there's no time where you're ready to let your parents go if

0:33:50 Thomas: Was Eli he's on he's on the call oh man holy shit yeah

0:34:27 Tom: You've got a relationship with them that matters to you I just don't think that that's real. I think that we want, for the most part, we want every moment that we can with the people that we love, regardless of who they are in our life. And like, I think of my dad and I love my dad very, very much. And so at some point, like he'll go. And I think at some point, obviously I will too. And by the way, my obligation to my kids is to kick that can down the road as far as I can for them too. Because like, if I die at 53 just objectively that's going to be a way bigger deal for them than if it's 85 right like there's never going to Be a time where it's like all right cool see you later dude but like it hits a lot different it hits a lot Different if you go out younger big time and so I I think about that and I'm like Jesus am I predisposed to have a heart attack myself in my 50s I don't know like You can't know that for sure, but that is part of what drives me personally to do the things that I do to stay healthy because I think about my buddy's dad and when his dad died, like my buddy was fucking traumatized by that and he was 20 some years old and he was just not ready to lose that person in his life.

0:35:43 Ad: [Ad break 3 — ad music]

0:35:44 Thomas: Think about that sometimes where I'm like you know it really wasn't hard when my dad died like it was like I kept recording away when I got out the word my dad died like I like I I care but it's like it really is in his heart and then I think like sometimes I think about the relationship I'm wanting and trying to set up with my kids do you ever feel like oh man but I'm kind of doing a pretty pretty mean joke on him you know where it's all right I'm gonna do my best to be your favorite person I'm going to try you know like I'm I'm doing everything I can anyway now I'm dead that almost feels mean like in some ways it's almost like, damn, at least my dad spared me that, you know? Yeah.

0:36:18 Tom: I feel the same way about my mom, right? Like when she goes, I'll be like, huh, anyway, lunch, you know, right. Who cares?

0:36:27 Eli: Nice. He goes through a grave. He stabs her in the heart. Tom, vampires aren't real. Yeah, I know. What?

0:36:39 Tom: That's so fucked up though it's like yeah well the more like the closer relationship we have like the meaner that is in some ways right like why bother falling in love with stuff if it's just gonna die on you does that change I'm just curious for you guys because it does motivate my behavior like I literally think about that idea and the obligation that that creates around my own health and my choices does that idea actually like does that move the needle for you because Cause it didn't for me when my kids were young and then something for me kind of clicked when my kids got just a little bit older and I was like, Oh shit.

0:37:10 Thomas: I'm trying to think.

0:37:11 Eli: I think about it all the time especially because when Max not necessarily when he was born but pretty early into Max's life I was like oh okay so I think I've said this publicly I did it as like an Eliad tribe so very early at a psychiatry appointment after I was in a really bad mental place I think it was in a hospital at the time the doctor asked me what are the chances you want to kill yourself and I was or whatever the fuck I said at the time, 200. And he was like, I want you to know that someday that's going to be a zero. And all through my adult life, like every year I would think of that and I'd go, fucking idiot, right? But now Max is alive. I'm like, oh yeah, the answer is zero. There's no amount of psychiatric pain. And look, if any, this month has proven it. There's not a lot of psychological pain that I'm in that I won't just be like, oh, that's my life. That's my wife now. And that's okay. It's okay that my life is sad. And that's okay, because that's not an option.

0:37:52 Thomas: Fucking moron. Yeah, I hope you're just talking about having to drive a Nissan because otherwise I've missed. Okay, good. I was like, shit, did something big happen that I oh

0:38:15 Eli: I am talking about having to drive a Nissan. Yeah, no, I'm talking about the worst possible thing, which, of course, yeah. Dear old Dad.

0:38:20 Tom: It creates something of an ultimatum.

0:38:21 Thomas: Man yeah uh oh

0:38:32 Eli: So, like, I am just always like, okay, cool, so then it has to be, and again, it's not about me, right, but it has to be, how can I be strong for him? How can I be healthy for him, how could I be employed for him. Right because like there's lots of career changes and like daring moves I would make if I didn't have a kid right I would do lots of like wild stuff to try and get it started maybe I'd try some acting maybe I do a little of this maybe I try some comedy right but like the fucking things that will say the things that will just like publicly say right and it's not like I have some deep dark racism that I'm just itching to get out but like if I see like a fucking shitty take on on Facebook from a listener about like, I didn't like that. I'm just like, okay, I'm not going to argue with that person because what if I argue withthat person and they screenshot it and then lie about what I said? And that means my son can't go to speech therapy anymore, right?

0:39:28 Tom: Yeah.

0:39:28 Eli: Like the fucking, the stakes on like the most mild, I'll give you a fucking great example. Someone on my Facebook wrote a thing about how the Odyssey was stupid and we shouldn't be, you know, the Western tradition is inherently white supremacist and there's no reason for us to be revisiting these pieces and it silences the voices of people of color to even do these things. And I was like, oh, I disagree with that. Maybe I'll say the opposite. Maybe we'll exchange ideas. And I was, like, no. No, there's a way that this could be interpreted that my son, I'll have to be like, hey, buddy, I hope you learn to eat other foods because it's a tough couple of months. So I just fucking don't. I just freaking don't the amount of I just fucking don't that goes on in my life and and the amount of I just fucking do right like taking my little walks and getting healthy and eating right and my fucking my shots I'm not on GLP-1 ones because I want to you know fucking cum gutters for my abs I'm on GLP-1 ones because if I lose a certain amount of weight the statistical chance of me living longer goes up

0:40:33 Tom: I think about I'll share this I don't think she would object to this I think we should be fairly public about this but there were moments over the last five and a half years there were moments over the past five and half years where things got really, really very difficult for Haley. The fact that she has kids is the reason that we still have a Haley in this world like a hundred percent 100%. Just having kids is the thing that is the reason that she is still awake and moving around and is able to get better today, because she certainly would not have continued to put up with the life that she was living. There were at least two moments, very specifically, where I know that if she didn't have kids, she'd have just been like, yeah, this isn't worth it. I'm not doing this. I think kids change the obligation that we have, to your point, Eli, about the risks that we're going to take. And then just like the risks we're not going to take are the things that we're just going to be like, yeah, I'll put up with more. I will definitely put up with more shirt, more weight, put it on. Awesome. Yes. Good. Sounds awesome. It changes the, the whole equation, all the math, all of the math changes with kids in ways that like, I don't think can ever be the same, no matter the type of relationship with an adult, no mater how much you love

0:40:41 Eli: Haley's dead, gentlemen.

0:41:46 Tom: Another adult, no matter how much another adult loves you, because generally speaking there's not the same level of reliance on you right like in almost all circumstances there is not the same level of just complete emotional psychological financial reliance and it just creates an entirely different obligation

0:42:07 Thomas: I sort of feel like I I've been thinking about a lot as you guys are talking reflecting on what you're saying and it's like I think I'm the kind of person where I always am going to be doing something or I'll just fucking nope out of here you know like I'm never gonna be like a sad sack burden on anybody because I'll either be doing the stuff I want to do or if my family dies in a fire and I don't feel great about it I'll just jump off a cliff you know it's like I feel like it's kind of weird I don't know Eli if you feel the same but like being someone who's been you know prone to being depressive I don't have the you know to the clinical degree that you have eli of course but I've always been in like depressive, you know, in like forever, like my whole life. And I'm seeing, unfortunately, I'm kind of like, I hope I'm wrong, but I'm, I'm kinda seeing Arlo's demeanor that way in a bummer of a way where I'm like, oh man, is this what I was like? Is this what it's like? Cause he just feels like he already just kind of, I don't know. Anyway, I'll have to top it for another time. But point is kids are almost that like insurance policy of like well, this will keep me invested in this okay like I'm glad I had kids you know it'll keep me it'll keep me around more you know that's like unironically like that's kind of part of it you know

0:43:25 Thomas: Maybe maybe that's part of why I've always known I wanted kids because like for me personally what else am I doing here and the answer is like maybe not much like I just I because I just have always had that feeling in my mind I don't whatever everybody else has or I shouldn't say everybody, whatever a lot of other people have that they try to communicate in ways that have never worked to me where they're like, oh, I just, you don't just want to, you know, you just change your, you take a bright attitude and you want to just get up and, and be a go -getter. I'm like, I've never had that. I've ever had the default mode of, I'm just excited to start the day and to do the, you know, I have just never had the, but the kids have always been the way of like anchoring to that. Like maybe that's why it's always been so obvious for me that I wanted to have them. I don't know.

0:44:10 Clip: DEAR OLD DAD

0:44:17 Eli: Before we Here we go. My car broke down, so I took the bus. Policeman showed up at my office and made me give it back.

0:45:11 Thomas: I've been podcasting with an old fucking piece of shit this whole time.

0:45:15 Tom: I'm gonna go tell a broom I'm going to tell a broom in the corner that'll be the same I'll put a mustache on it

0:45:21 Eli: In the arms of the - Alright, gentlemen, wait.

0:45:26 Tom: Oh, I've got a parenting story. Oh, yeah.

0:45:27 Eli: How dare you go over my dad joke. My fuckin' dad joke, Tom.

0:45:30 Thomas: Yeah. Jesus.

0:45:34 Tom: Welcome to my decade, you bitch.