DOD213: You Need This Tactical Podcast, Now In Camo

Transcript

This transcript was generated automatically and may contain errors — the audio is the record.

0:00:28 Tom: Welcome to Dear Old Dads, the podcast that's wrapped itself in paracord. I'm Tom Curry. I am joined, as always, by Thomas Smith and Eli Bosnick. Hello, gentlemen.

0:00:39 Thomas: Paracord? What's paracord.

0:00:41 Tom: Paracord? It's parachute cord. You don't know about parachute cord?

0:00:43 Thomas: Oh, I haven't parachuted enough times to call it paracord yet. I'm not on that.

0:00:44 Eli: Yeah, parachute cord.

0:00:48 Tom: Well, you don't need to. What you gotta do is attach your paracords, you see, to your carabiners on your keychain. Everything's got to be paracord and carabiners, that's it.

0:00:53 Eli: Yes! Paracord and carabiners, yeah.

0:00:54 Thomas: Oh, you know what's super cool? We have, near to me, in a little shitty place called Lodi, California, there is a skydiving thing, I don't know what you call them, place where, that just kills people.

0:00:59 Tom: Paracord, obviously.

0:01:11 Tom: Wait.

0:01:11 Thomas: Have you heard about, you might have, you might have read about it?

0:01:12 Tom: What, this, I

0:01:12 Eli: Well, that's what all of them do, Thomas.

0:01:14 Thomas: No, this one just kills people, like

0:01:14 Tom: Feel like this is a mecca people are going to travel to now. This is

0:01:17 Thomas: This one is disturbing enough that I get worried about it, like I get afraid that someone I know is gonna just, like, go die. It's no, like, it's

0:01:23 Eli: That it's outside the window by you? That it is at your door right now?

0:01:27 Thomas: It's one of those things that's just like disturbing enough

0:01:28 Tom: Okay, please don't give Eli the address.

0:01:30 Thomas: Let's see, okay, California Parish, what is it? Skydiving. It's like being in the news. I've seen it in the news organically, like not local news, like national, like, Hey, this skydiving place just keeps killing people. And somehow it just keeps going. Nobody cares. I don't, I don't understand. It's bothered me for 10 years.

0:01:31 Eli: Yeah, of course.

0:01:49 Tom: Well, could you sign a waiver? You sign away over the, says, I know what I'm doing is jumping out of an airplane, and then they get to be like, yeah, you jumped out of an airplane, man, I don't know what to tell you. Like, you don't fall as much when you

0:02:00 Thomas: Lodi Parachute Center, I think. Okay. Oh, okay. Here it is. This is the one I saw. 28 deaths, 28 deaths in the last, let's see how many years. Yeah. Is it going to be in the past 400 years?

0:02:06 Tom: Okay, that sounds bad. I know that's

0:02:10 Eli: Did they get one big group though? Because if you had one big group where everybody got tangled, it's going to throw off your number. Yeah, exactly.

0:02:14 Thomas: Yeah. They all landed in a volcano or something. They're like, shit.

0:02:14 Tom: True. Yeah. Okay, we have one bad day at work and everybody's got an opinion.

0:02:22 Thomas: Yeah, Yeah,

0:02:22 Eli: Okay, but here's the thing, right? And I don't wish parachuters any harm. I'm sure they're are perfectly happy people. They have a hobby that's not fucking kids, which rules, seems to be most people's hobby these days. So the fact that they're not fucking kits, that's awesome, right? But here's the thing. I want you to imagine that you found out anyone in your life died parachuting. What's your response? Oh, okay. Well, they got on the parachute

0:02:32 Thomas: Yeah, I guess, unless there's a murder, a serial killer on the, here's what was the sentence that really stuck with me. It's impossible to calculate the fatality rate per jump at the parachute center because no one keeps track of how many people jump out of planes there or how many people have died while doing so.

0:02:43 Eli: And they jumped out of a plane Maybe they have, like, a real

0:02:43 Tom: Yeah, man.

0:03:00 Tom: Yeah, well Wait a minute.

0:03:02 Thomas: That seems like the two things you would need to keep track of.

0:03:06 Tom: I feel like how many people died at your work is a number you know. You know what I mean? Like, unless you're, like, working at the hospital where you're like, yeah, actually, someone's got to look that up, like, this is a place where people die. It was just like, yeah, we lost another one. Like, nobody's writing it down. There's no, like, "this many days since last fatality" sign.

0:03:22 Eli: I think they had a really good conversation. I feel like you guys need to open your hearts. They were like, God, yeah. They were like, guys, the 11th person has died jumping out of a plane, and Rick, Rick, the voice of reason, the voice of knowledge, with an open heart and wide eyes, can't lose today. Let's stop

0:03:29 Thomas: They had a good work meeting. We're like, guys, guys. Another one died yesterday.

0:03:45 Eli: Counting, because it doesn't matter. They came here to maybe die. That's why people jump out of a plane, is because they might die.

0:03:52 Thomas: Um, I like

0:03:53 Tom: I mean, that is true, right? Like, you do it because it's exciting. I mean, I've gone bungee

0:03:58 Eli: Yeah, how

0:03:58 Thomas: The idea that the death yesterday was like, it's like kind of a bad day at the workplace. Like, guys, I know we said, you know, we only want four deaths this fiscal quarter. We're at three. I know. I know where under where we said. But like, come on, you know, like, let's tighten up a little bit.

0:04:08 Tom: Jumping. There's no regulatory body that's like

0:04:17 Thomas: Yeah. Like the police.

0:04:19 Eli: How would you regulate jumping out of a plane? Imagine you're putting that panel together and they're like, all right, everybody, how much jumping out of a plane is safe? None. Okay. Well, then I guess, I guess we don't fucking count then, do we?

0:04:32 Thomas: I don't know, man.

0:04:31 Tom: Hey Well, I would think that they would do some investigation, like, hey, all right, clearly your procedures are bad here, right? Because it's not normally that dangerous.

0:04:40 Thomas: I yeah, here's it just for fun. In a response to a records request in 2023, the San Joaquin County Medical Examiner's Office provided SFGate, the newspaper, with a coroner's report detailing many of the 28 fatalities conclusively linked to accidents at the center. The first in 1985 and the most recent in 2021. That's the only way they can get this information is, hey, how many people have looked real splatty like, you know, near here? How many people just been pancakes? Cakes. That, so that was the only last thing I wanted to say. It was just so funny, is I saw that exact comment, Tom, that was like, yeah, this place just keeps going. It was wild. As you, if you look at the reviews, it'll be like two, three be like, yeah, great time, excellent, and then one out of every two or three will be, yeah, this is the place that's killed 28 people. How is it still open? Next one, yeah, they were nice, they were real nice.

0:04:58 Tom: Well, I feel like the the coroner reports sort of like, yeah, I mean, he's splatted. He's splattered.

0:05:10 Tom: You'd think that would kill their Google reviews, you know? Like, just, yeah.

0:05:34 Tom: Who's picking that place? Hey, you want to go to the one over here? Do you want a drive an hour down the road to the place that doesn't kill people? I don't really want to drive.

0:05:42 Eli: You can't be like, I jumped out OF A PLANE to live. This is so unfair. This is bullshit. This is SO insane. No, you don't get to have, yeah, you DON'T get to HAVE jump -out -of -a -plane good time and survived.

0:05:49 Tom: I feel

0:05:50 Thomas: Some people want to have a good time and not die, Eli. Is that so hard for you to imagine? Why not?

0:05:58 Tom: Like most people do. I feel, like, most people, do. Like, again, I've gone bungee jumping.

0:06:03 Eli: I bet the majority of the people who have jumped out of the plane to that place haven't died. I'll bet it's below 50%.

0:06:08 Thomas: All right. Let me, let me give a competing proclamation. Cause I hear you. You also don't get to just murder people. Do you? So like, it's too, you know what I mean? Like, nevermind. Why, why did I think that would work on Eli? That was, I'm sorry. I'm tired. That was stupid. Yeah.

0:06:16 Eli: Yeah, of course you do. You're an air... You're a fucking parachute place.

0:06:21 Tom: Is there No, like, yeah, right, like there's like a health department if you go eat food, right? If I go to, like, a restaurant, there's somebody who's like, there. Nobody's like, hey, we should check your parachute procedures or whatever.

0:06:26 Eli: Yeah.

0:06:30 Thomas: I bet you airline food is regulated.

0:06:33 Eli: If you go to Poison Perry's House of Poison and you don't manage to avoid the poison and die, I feel like the health department needs to give you a fucking break.

0:06:43 Thomas: Oh, maybe Eli doesn't know this. It's not just jumping out of a plane. There's supposed to be a thing that floats you. Like, it's not just like, hey, plane jumpers.

0:06:48 Eli: No, there's not. Everybody who jumps out of a plane is doing it so they can call everybody in there. And Tom, back me up because you did this shit when you...

0:06:51 Tom: I don't

0:06:50 Thomas: Yeah, that's it'd be like if you went to Peter's pretend poison factory and they're like, there's real poison. Oh. Why does it say pretend poison? I don't know. That seems misleading, you know?

0:07:04 Tom: Know. Yeah, not important, not important, important, not important.

0:07:07 Eli: You don't go to a poison

0:07:09 Thomas: I wanted to simulate eating poison. I wanted to see what it would be like to eat poison. Yeah. Anyway, that haunts my dreams and it's near me too. Oh, it's so scary.

0:07:13 Eli: Factory. This is Dave's Lava Emporium all over again, and I'm not, I'm not re, and I am not restarting.

0:07:22 Tom: So when are you

0:07:22 Thomas: I know people, I know at least one person who's gone. Yeah, once it becomes becomes too much. Once, once the podcasting becomes too much for me. So two years ago.

0:07:30 Eli: I'm gonna send you a bunch of fake flyers for it that are just like, 50 or better, survive or your money

0:07:35 Thomas: Yeah.

0:07:37 Tom: Going? Welcome to Coin Flip Larry's Parachutics Emporium. Like

0:07:42 Thomas: Survive or your money back.

0:07:43 Eli: Back. Yeah.

0:07:47 Thomas: Wow. What a great deal. I can't turn that down. Hon, if I don't survive, they'll refund me.

0:07:49 Eli: They're really

0:07:49 Tom: Huh. All right. Well, I'll get my 179.99 back. I have a Groupon. Does it still count if I have the

0:07:55 Eli: Oh no, it, yeah, it does. I was just gonna say it doesn't count if you did the rupon.

0:07:57 Thomas: Survive. They have a group on, but only one of you is allowed to survive. They're like, okay, we'll get a group together. Most of you will die. Good times. What are we talking about? Well, we need our para -gear.

0:08:02 Eli: Yeah. But, guys, You know, the only thing worse than, than the insane pressure Tom wants to put on parachute schools. Why? It's the auto ads.

0:08:09 Tom: Groupon paracord gear.

0:08:17 Eli: The auto ads, the sweet, sweet meeting of the ground against your soft, supple flesh of the podcasting experience. But you can make all that go away over at patreon .com forward slash dear old dads. Where for as little as a dollar, you'll get a poach, poach poach.

0:08:17 Thomas: The nanny state.

0:08:35 Eli: I had a stroke. Don't worry about it.

0:08:33 Tom: Yeah, what you'll get a what? Okay, all

0:08:38 Eli: Where for, as little, as a little as $1, you'll go to, commercial-free version. I felt my lips narrowing in on the wrong words, and so I just went poach.

0:08:33 Thomas: What just happened?

0:08:38 Tom: Right, I have no idea. Sure.

0:08:48 Eli: Poach.

0:08:48 Thomas: Do you smell anything burning?

0:08:48 Eli: Poach. Always, never anything but burning.

0:08:52 Thomas: Okay. Okay, that's normal. That's good then. He's fine.

0:08:54 Eli: Yeah.

0:08:54 Tom: He's fine.

0:08:55 Eli: Don't worry, I'm still burning toast while I podcast. A, B, B, toast. Always be burning toast. That's what I say. Podcast listener, but yeah, you you can do that. Patreon.com, Dear Old Dads, give us a dollar.

0:08:58 Tom: Yeah. Jesus. Christ.

0:09:11 Thomas: Patreon .com slash Eli had a stroke. We're going to need the money to cover his toast budget. Yeah.

0:09:14 Tom: Medical

0:09:20 Ad: [Ad break 1 — ad music]

0:09:22 Eli: Hey, guys, I know we have a topic to get to, but this is really important that we talk about this because this is important to me. You can doing a little memorial when I die, if you want, because I'm going to be probably the second in our little podcast group to die unless the ghost gets Tom from the drag. You know how he's in Drag Me to Hell?

0:09:26 Thomas: I want to have 30 more minutes on the parachuting. So.

0:09:29 Tom: Bills

0:09:41 Thomas: Oh, yeah.

0:09:42 Tom: Wait, I'm in Drag Me to Hell?

0:09:42 Thomas: Yeah, he's absolutely in Drag Me to Hell.

0:09:42 Eli: I was watching. Okay, Tom, Tom. Tom, I was watching Drag Me to Hell the other night and I stopped the movie several times to text you. You are living the movie, Drag Me To Hell.

0:09:51 Thomas: Yeah, this is what it is. Yeah. So what was the inciting incident? Didn't he fuck over an old lady?

0:09:55 Tom: I

0:09:57 Eli: He didn't give an old lady a loan and I know Tom has done some house shit to a little old lady.

0:10:00 Thomas: Oh, Tom, did you not? He works in like mortgagey stuff. Tom, you have to tell us if you didn't give a witch a loan or whatever. Like you have tell. It's in our contract as a risk to the business that you're not allowed to take.

0:10:02 Tom: Know, I don't do, I, but I'm not the guy who gives the loan, goddamn it. I've never given a witch a loan. I will, I can say that I've ever given anyone a loan though.

0:10:16 Eli: Someone clip that and send it to his job as he's discrimination. You have to give witches loans.

0:10:19 Tom: We don't give loans. We're not everybody in here would be like, "Wait, of

0:10:22 Eli: Oh, so you're saying it's a con. It's a whole thing.

0:10:26 Thomas: Like, you don't give loans when you're dressed like a witch and you come in. That's what he says. That's a story anyway. No, we don't even give loans here. Okay.

0:10:32 Tom: Course we're not even alone." We're literally not alone. Place quick.

0:10:34 Eli: The point is I'm top five people in the podcastiverse who will die. Right? In terms of earliness. And I realized that I really need the ceremony, the thing afterwards to be small and quick. It's got to be quick and small. I went to a funeral this past weekend and it was not quick. And it was, it was real sad. It was too long.

0:10:56 Tom: And small is my specialty. I got you. Oh no.

0:11:04 Thomas: Oh, boy.

0:11:04 Eli: It is too long to be at someone's funeral who you cared. I cared about this person quite a bit.

0:11:09 Tom: Oh no. Oh.

0:11:10 Eli: And to be at their funeral and think I'm bored is truly a tremendous, it's a life -altering experience to go, here I am celebrating the life of this person who is very important to me. This is the last moment, probably the last momento, that me and their family and their friends will ever gather and will speak about them for any extended period of time. And I am so bored.

0:11:14 Thomas: Yep. Yep. Yep. Speaking of haunting my dreams. Yeah. Yep.

0:11:38 Thomas: Yep. Yep. It's the worst. Yeah.

0:11:39 Tom: God.

0:11:40 Eli: I'm so, but this was so poorly planned that I'm bored.

0:11:45 Thomas: Just don't do it. You know, I'll give my dad credit. He was like, don't buy, do anything. Like, why would you do anything? You know? And I think my religious family didn't, yeah, it is his, it is certainly his side of the family's motto. Don't do anything was his life motto.

0:11:51 Tom: That's the Smith family motto, actually. So it's just like, like, just, there's just the Smith family crest that just underneath it on the banner, you know?

0:12:04 Thomas: Mm -hmm. Yep. I think, I'm not sure, but I think my religious sisters and whatever, I think they didn't respect that and did some sort of thing for him. That was maybe, you know how religious people do their little seances and their whatever the fuck they do? I think I did. I think that they did one of those, which I feel like is disrespectful, but also I don't care enough to care. But it was kind of funny.

0:12:18 Eli: Yeah, they do their fun little candle ceremonies. Yeah.

0:12:25 Eli: Do whatever you want when I'm dead. If you want to do a Catholic thing, no. And this is actually in my, like, trust and will, is that there can't be any charities or funds set up in my name, because I don't know if you guys know this, but whenever someone does that, the first year everyone donates a bunch of money, and then the rest of that widow's life, she has to maintain a sad little fund.

0:12:46 Thomas: Oh my God.

0:12:46 Eli: You are signing your family up. Yes, you're signing your family up to run a bad 501(c).

0:12:47 Tom: Oh,

0:12:47 Thomas: She becomes like middle management of a something. Yeah. Wow. That's a good point. Can I, okay. In my will, let's just talk about it. Pivot. Let's just talk our wills, and in my will, once I finally decided to go to the great parachuting murder place in the sky, the great in Lodi, I would, here's what I'm, here's what I'm thinking. Thinking, here's

0:12:54 Tom: God.

0:13:06 Eli: 3 parachuting school in the next town over. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Unload, I, all your troubles. That's what it's called. Lay down your load. I

0:13:16 Thomas: What I'm thinking is start a one of those, but then can it be like contractually there's a surprise clause in year two that's like, "Psych, now all this money goes for my family to go to Disneyland whenever they want." You know what I mean, yeah, yeah, but the embezzling, but hold on, if I make the embellishing like what I would have wanted, like, you know, it's like a, you do video, "Hey, there's the VHS, pop it in." Thomas, here, I know that you set up the Thomas Smith found it, I know that you set up the Thomas Smith, uh, you know, charity for people who died of parachuting accidents or whatever it was. Gonna be, "Psych, this money's all going to my family to have fun, because it's what I would have want It's what I do want, is what I would have wanted. It is VHS, so yes.

0:13:19 Tom: Oh,

0:13:29 Eli: Whoa, embezzling. Yeah, I would love that. Yeah.

0:13:30 Tom: I like that.

0:13:42 Eli: One second, I gotta go to the Goodwill and get a VHS player. Hey, when he made this video, was "psych" still a relevant term? There's no

0:14:03 Tom: All right, I know dad's dead, but everybody's going to Disneyland. So put on your fake grins and, you Know, just plaster your grimaces across your faces.

0:14:10 Thomas: Uh, Remy wouldn't notice.

0:14:07 Eli: Uh, that would rule. How many Switch games, I don't want to get dark, how many Switch gains would your death have to result in for Arlo to agree it's a net good?

0:14:19 Thomas: Oh man, Arlo loves me so much. I, it's, it's sad because he actually, it's, it's actually the opposite. I've never seen a person love a person as much as Arlo loves me. But Remy, I don't even think he would notice if I was gone. I think he would. Yeah. Yep. How many snacks would it take for Remy to, I'll tell you this. It only takes one refusal of a snack for him to want to kill me. So if I do that math. Yeah. I'll give a one snack buffer just in case, like maybe someday he

0:14:22 Tom: That's so rough.

0:14:31 Eli: Oh, Gugamook, are you kidding? I could get him for three chips and a good scoop of Gugumook. He's in. He'll push the button twice. Yeah.

0:14:45 Eli: So there you go, you got your answers and your math right there. Oh yeah.

0:14:52 Thomas: Learns to control a little bit of that anger. But.

0:14:54 Eli: Thomas, I, I would love to set up the Anna Bosnick Snacks and Cheese Crackers Fund. That would be a charity I would actually care about. I would have loved that so much.

0:15:02 Thomas: Yeah.

0:15:04 Tom: There needs to be a Crackers. There needs be a charcuterie fund. Why don't we have a shark? Why don'T we have a GoFundMe for charcutery? We need to just. What?

0:15:08 Thomas: Yeah.

0:15:10 Eli: Well, I mean, that's kind of, now that I think about it, that's what I'm doing with life insurance is I'm starting a charity for my family.

0:15:14 Thomas: Yeah, boy, it's been a while. Is life insurance still good? How long does that last? I know I set up all that. Is it

0:15:20 Eli: Oh, it's great. I got it when I was super young. I got a 30 -year term plan when I Was Thin and, oh, rules.

0:15:26 Thomas: Fine? Yeah, I feel like I've paid some small amount of money a month for 10 years, and is that that is that good? I don't remember. It's but too long.

0:15:36 Eli: Yeah,

0:15:37 Tom: Maybe. It depends on if you got what kind of policy. Yeah.

0:15:40 Eli: Yeah. Well, it depends, because you know your insurance, because I had a short -term insurance for a smidge, and you know it's about to run out because they call you every 45 seconds to tell you it's going to run. It's about run out.

0:15:49 Thomas: Uh, okay. Okay. Oh, probably because the ones you buy later in life are more expensive, I imagine, or something.

0:15:52 Tom: They are. Yeah, right.

0:15:54 Eli: So yes, exactly.

0:15:55 Thomas: So they're like, hey, sign you up. Okay.

0:15:55 Eli: Cause you're, they have the chance to charge you double for the thing you've assumed to be important to your life and that you've planned all your money around.

0:15:59 Thomas: Yeah. Yep.

0:16:04 Tom: All right. So we have a topic. This I thought was interesting is from Outside Magazine, which I don't read, but pops up in my feed. It's that's its own thing. I kind of kind of related to the topic.

0:16:13 Eli: I support their direct competitor

0:16:13 Tom: It pops up on my feed Inside, yeah, yeah. And this was actually kind of an interesting article: is "The Toxic Masculinity of Tactical Survival Gear. We Don't Need paracord wrapped Hatchets and Trenching Tools to Survive in the Wilderness." I don't know if you guys get this stuff all over your feeds, like spamming your feeds. It is constant. I was thinking about this like a little bit, because I actually think, like, like so much of the junk like this that's sold to men really, like, centers and reinforces the idea that, like, men exist for the protection of other people. But it's like always this protection fantasy bullshit, right?

0:16:15 Eli: Inside kid magazine.

0:16:16 Thomas: Yeah, inside magazine.

0:16:29 Thomas: Yeah. Speak for yourself. Yep, literally nets. You'd probably need one for surviving.

0:16:32 Eli: Oh, nothing but net.

0:16:55 Thomas: Well, that's interesting.

0:16:55 Tom: Where you need a fucking trenching tool or a hatchet or like, you know, a fucking machete or whatever.

0:16:59 Thomas: Oh really? Because I take, sorry to interrupt, Tom, but I take this the other way, that it's actually for men to go be alone, away from everyone and not need anyone. One that it's like a solo, well

0:17:08 Tom: Like, see, here's the thing. I would agree with you if people actually did that. But like very few people actually do that stuff.

0:17:17 Thomas: They're also not rescuing or saving people, that doesn't, yeah

0:17:19 Tom: No, that's why I say it's fantasy. It's like, I think it's like it's the same as the firearm in your home for self -defense fantasy, right? Like where it's not really based on any statistical likelihood, just like having a fucking trenching tool. Like I've gone camping a million times. You probably don't need a trenching tool. Most people who camp don't backpack. Most people car camp.

0:17:41 Thomas: Yeah.

0:17:41 Tom: The fucking campsite has that stuff. When you start cutting the pie down to the people who actually are going to go out and need this stuff, it's like, yeah, you got to wrap it in paracord. Got to wrap it in pericord.

0:17:49 Thomas: Oh, I do need a pie cutting tool, that's a good reminder. Yeah, that's right. Tactical pie. Yeah, yeah.

0:17:53 Eli: Gotta wrap it in paracord though. Tactical hand. And it's gotta be camo. It's gotta become so that when you drop it in the leaves you'll never fucking find it. Yeah.

0:18:04 Tom: But it's, like, everything's got to be, like, made to last and made of aircraft aluminum and knurled and, like. Like, no, we don't need this stuff, like it's just shit dudes buy in order for them to have this sort of, like, toughness mystique, this individualism mystique. Yeah, yeah.

0:18:08 Thomas: Yeah.

0:18:18 Eli: Survivalist. Yeah.

0:18:15 Thomas: Yeah, I'm gonna Uno reverse. I've never played the game of Uno, but I know that Uno reverse reverse is some sort of thing. That's a meme. I'm going to reverse you, Tom, because I remember when we talked about, you know, what was it? Rings or makeup or jewelry or something where you're like, hey, if it's important and they, they want to do it, that's valuable. And I wonder like, is there an argument like, hey, if this is someone's hobby that they want it to do? Yeah, it is. It is Jennifer McHare.

0:18:41 Eli: Yeah, it's gender affirming. Yeah.

0:18:44 Thomas: It has absolutely, it has 100 % that, but I don't know. I'm just, I've just, maybe I'm, you now being a snarky, but like, is it, is there any sense of Like, hey, someone wants, that's their hobby. They spend money on hatchets or whatever.

0:18:44 Tom: Well, yeah Of course. Look, if your hobby is actually going out and doing the things that require this, then that's fine. Yeah.

0:19:02 Thomas: No, hold on, hold up. My hobby is not ever doing that, but maybe feeling like I might one day do it. What if that's my hobby?

0:19:09 Tom: Hey, look, legitimately there's plenty of people who don't do the thing, but they like to collect the tools around the idea of doing the the thing, right? Like that's not uncommon at all, at all. Yeah, right.

0:19:20 Eli: I would argue that's most hobbies. For the last time, those are my antidepressants, Thomas. I mean, that is how I do it

0:19:20 Thomas: Like Eli with killing himself. Sorry.

0:19:31 Thomas: Me with parachutes.

0:19:30 Tom: But I, I am

0:19:33 Eli: Though. Yeah.

0:19:34 Ad: [Ad break 2 — ad music]

0:19:35 Tom: Personally not totally immune to the allure of some of this stuff. Yeah.

0:19:38 Thomas: I'm so glad you said it, Tom. I haven't bought any of this stuff, I promise. But every time I see it, I'm like, that looks cool. That could be.

0:19:45 Tom: There's like, that's the thing is I wanted this topic because I'm not immune to The Allure

0:19:45 Eli: Right.

0:19:49 Thomas: So glad you said that.

0:19:49 Tom: Of it, right? Like, to some degree, I find that aesthetic, that idea of, like, if I buy this, it will make me more capable. If I have this thing, it does six things and it's indestructible, and therefore, by proxy, I am capable and indestructable. I think that messaging and the marketing, because, like, that's what marketing does, right? Marketing is there to try to sell you a fantasy of who you are in order for you to get the things that they're selling to accompany that, right? Like, so I totally get it, I totally get it, but I also look at that and I'm like, yeah, I don't need, like, I'm literally sitting in my office right now and I've got two flashlights that are like 80 berjillion lumen flashlights that you can dunk in water, and, like, I kind of think they're awesome.

0:19:58 Thomas: Yeah.

0:20:05 Eli: And

0:20:30 Thomas: Yeah, nice. No, you need those. You need those. Why did you bring up such a bad example, Tom? That's, you need that stuff. No, you can't, because what if you need 80,000 lumens in the water? Then you won't, you know. No, I'm, I

0:20:36 Eli: They're a radio. They're her radio.

0:20:36 Tom: I can't, but, like, I could just have a regular flashlight, you know what I mean? Like, I don't probably need these. Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

0:20:49 Thomas: I, I'm glad you say that, because, like, I, I don't buy any of this stuff. I would say the closest I come is I love buying tools. I only buy tools that I, I use, but I use them once usually.

0:20:49 Tom: I, I kind of love this shit. Yeah.

0:20:58 Thomas: And I'm like, well, now I have that if I need it. I love that. That's I just do. And I'm not going to pretend otherwise, but it's a little bit of that same aesthetic. Like, I don't know, fucking ropes and shit like stuff. That's just, that looks like survivally or that looks, I dunno what it is. Cause it's also, I go camping. I hate camping. I don'T care about any of that stuff, but still, but well, I did grow up like in the woods. So I dunno, maybe that's my excuse. Like if I was a kid, I would have used and loved the shit out out of that stuff. So maybe it's like that kind of thing.

0:21:00 Tom: Oh yeah. Same. Yeah, right.

0:21:25 Eli: That's what I was going to say, Thomas, is that maybe you're just buying the axe that baby Thomas wanted so badly as he was backed into the corner of a cave by a series of motorcycle-riding snakes.

0:21:28 Thomas: The nostalgia. Yeah. Oh yeah. We couldn't afford an ax. I only, I had a spork. That's all I had that I, that I saved myself.

0:21:41 Tom: So I'll tell you a funny Florida story. So when I was a kid, so I moved in with my dad. Yeah. Is it not going to be funny?

0:21:45 Eli: Hey, Tom. Hey, Thomas. It's not going to be funny.

0:21:48 Thomas: Okay.

0:21:48 Tom: Damn it. I feel like it's funny adjacent. I don't know.

0:21:48 Eli: I just want to let you know. We're all going to find out together.

0:21:53 Thomas: Here we go.

0:21:53 Tom: Okay. All right. So I don't know exactly what year this was, but I can tell you it was somewhere between the ages of three and six, because I moved in with my dad when I was six, just before turning seven. Okay. So just to kind of contextualize that. And I lived in Florida from when I was three to six. So, all right. One of my favorite presents that I got when I was in Florida was a hatchet. I remember my stepdad gave me a hatchett and I used to go out in our backyard. We had a pretty expansive backyard, had trees and all kinds of shit back there, like had a couple of acres of of land, but it was like Floridian land, so it's like it's nasty and it's full of swampy trees and shit, and I used to just happily go out there when I'm, you know, kinder- had to be kindergarten, you know, with a hatchet, unsupervised, just chopping shit down, and it was the actual best. Yeah.

0:22:15 Thomas: Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

0:22:31 Eli: Snapping turtles.

0:22:27 Thomas: Oh my God. Yeah yep yep. I was gonna say, Tom, what you are describing is the peak of human existence. It's the most fun thing to ever happen. And I don't, I don't think Eli is going to go with us on this, but one time I'll do you one better. It's so, oh my God. I have the same story, Tom, where it was like one time, I just went on one of the trails of our little forest and just chopped out everything in my wake to try to make a little like path, you know, kind of thing. Most fun I've ever had in my fucking life.

0:22:51 Eli: Sure am not.

0:23:06 Thomas: Like I can't, it's for no reason. When I was in high school, my friend brought over for some reason, a couple of machetes.

0:23:06 Tom: Oh Yeah, dude, dude.

0:23:13 Thomas: Those are the most most fun thing. Cause you could just fucking swing them on a, like you could carry logs and stuff by just going and it sticks in it. And then you can like carry something around. We just did that for hours, just like chop. But we actually were doing like, the reason he brought it is cause I had to do firewood that I've told you about for my, you know, my dad making us like get firewood for the fucking wood burning stove. I wonder if Eli believes any of what we've said is real. I'm not sure.

0:23:36 Eli: Oh, I believe you had those terrible experiences, but I think it's sort of a Viktor Frankl coming out of Auschwitz thinking he's realized the meaning of life situation, right? Like, because here's the thing. If that wasn't the best, what a fucking childhood. Am I right?

0:23:40 Thomas: So fun. God, it's so fun. Oh,

0:23:52 Tom: It was though, it was good. It was like, there was something.

0:23:52 Thomas: So good. Yeah, I was the best. OK, Tom's right about this one.

0:23:57 Tom: And I think that there's like, I think that there's something like really fun and empowering for anybody. I don't think it's gendered, but I think we've made it gendered about that idea of, like, building and capability and, like, ruggedness and individualism that all all this tactical sort of stuff plays into. I think, like, where the big problem lies is that a lot of it is violence adjacent.

0:23:59 Eli: I made Legos.

0:24:22 Thomas: Mm hmm.

0:24:22 Tom: Like a lot if it is violent adjacent. Like I think there's a really, really short line from the ultra durable 10 million lumen indestructible flashlight to the Kevlar vest, the home body armor, the night vision goggles. Like all that stuff is in the same universe, right? Right? Like it's all at the same fucking trade show. Yeah. Yes.

0:24:36 Thomas: Right. Yeah. I'm pretty soon you're in a militia for white people that we don't want. Yeah.

0:24:46 Eli: Mm -hmm.

0:24:46 Tom: Yeah, and like what's the appeal of being in a militia, right? It's to be the star of your own action movie.

0:24:54 Thomas: Oh, I thought it was the race wars.

0:24:56 Eli: That too. It's both. I just had a billion dollar idea. Are you ready for my billion dollar ideas? Cuck survival.

0:25:03 Thomas: Oh, cuck survival.

0:25:04 Eli: TM. Cuck. Cuck survive. Hey, are you a normal liberal guy who, when your water goes out, would like to have something to purify water? Join Cuck Survival. We give $1 from every purchase to a mermaid charity or something like that. And all the people in the front of our boxes are women and there's pink triangles and rainbows all over it. Cuck survival. Don't give money to anybody who thinks they can rank the races. It's a billion dollar idea right there. Right?

0:25:14 Thomas: Hmm.

0:25:30 Thomas: Oh, OK. I wasn't sure where you're going. So you're saying the branding, the advertising, all of it's about instead of like toxic masculinity, it's like all of everything but that.

0:25:36 Eli: Yeah. Yeah, exactly. It's a bucket of freeze-dried food that says "Trans lives matter," right? On the front. I buy 11 of those. Fucks. No.

0:25:41 Thomas: Oh, okay. Yeah. Yeah. Not for nothing. There's, I mean, more and more, there's the feeling of like, hey, in order, you know, for the collapse of civilization to maybe not affect you as much. Like, there's already that angle a little bit of, since Christian white nationalists are going to control everything, like, we need our version of the militia. You know, the trans militia that. OK, fair. Well, I'm saying that might be your market, is all I'm said. That might be

0:26:00 Eli: That's the undercut liars. I don't want the undercut liars. No, they can buy, but I'm not taking any customer feedback at Cuck Survival.

0:26:09 Thomas: All Right. You got cucks about. Okay.

0:26:19 Ad: [Ad break 3 — ad music]

0:26:21 Tom: So Here's something else that occurs to me that might be related to this. I don't know how you guys feel, but I do think that there's still some broad social messaging, which is largely inaccurate, but still the messaging exists, that men bear a large weight of responsibility, not responsible for any of the real stuff, like chores around the house and taking care of the kids and all that stuff.

But men believe that they bear a tremendous amount of the existential responsibility, the provider role, that sort of stuff. That messaging is very much part of our culture still, even though we know it's not actually statistically accurate.

So I wonder if that messaging of the weight of responsibility doesn't also interact with this sales pitch that, like, hey, if you're going to to be responsible for that family, you know, you're going to want to make sure that you have all the freeze -dried food, because that's your, if you don't do it, buddy, like, you're the one when shit goes down that everybody is going to look to, and it's going to be your fault and your responsibility, because I do think that that messaging is sort of this vicious cycle. It's this vicious sort of loop that tells people like, oh shit, like, I, I better actually have that, you know, machete or that, that hatchet or that three steps down, like, gun. It's not much different than... And again, I'll raise my hand and say, like, I am not immune to this messaging. Like, I think this is messaging that to some degree works on me where I'm like, hey, I have a lot of responsibility. So what if something bad, and I can't even define what the bad is?

0:27:12 Thomas: Yep. Yeah.

0:27:46 Thomas: What if there's a big tree branch in my way and we need to escape? Gotta cut it. Chop.

0:27:49 Tom: Yeah. Yeah. But do you know what I mean? Like, like how that response, that weight of responsibility sort of like plays into that idea of like, I have to be the one who's prepared. I haveと be the one who has access at all times to these not just tools, but oftentimes weapons. Because, like, a lot of this stuff is also military -esque, right? There's, like, when you look at this stuff, it's also, like, very military. It's very, it blows the fucking army all the time, right? It's fucking, it's got military cock rammed down his throat all the time. And it's like, so you see what I'm saying? Like, there's

0:27:59 Thomas: It, interesting. Sure.

0:28:17 Thomas: What was that? Can you get one of those? Is that part of it, Eli? You might be back in. You can buy a military

0:28:20 Eli: I'm back in one. Second, I woke up. Actually, I had exactly this experience. So we're

0:28:22 Tom: I'm

0:28:25 Thomas: Cock. Yeah, the military cock getting shoved.

0:28:28 Eli: Redoing the basement with I blew all these guys that were in the middle. Well, they were wearing camo pants. And, you know, when you're waiting behind that hole in the wall at the adult bookstore, beggars can't be choosers. So we're redoing the basement. And we were considering putting in French drains, which is like a system that prevents water from getting into your basement. Don't worry. I'm bored, too. I promise this gets funny.

0:28:53 Eli: So we're getting quotes. Again, still boring. Trust me. Stay with me. Say with me, we're getting quotes. And one guy is like, now, now, yeah, all right, there.

0:28:53 Thomas: Tom and I are loving this story. Are you kidding me? We're your market right now.

0:29:00 Tom: I'm right here, buddy. I'm like, I'm, I'm like ready to Google French drains, because I'm not sure what they are. Yeah.

0:29:03 Thomas: You're on a dad's show, dude. You're finally talking about what most of the people who clicked on the show want to hear. How many bids? Who did you go with?

0:29:09 Eli: You go, well, we're thinking about French trains, and this guy, oh, we got six bids. Six bits.

0:29:14 Thomas: Nice. Okay. I like that.

0:29:15 Tom: Jeez.

0:29:17 Eli: Yeah, that's what I realized is that actually the point of bids is to get as many as possible so that people around you go, "Wow, you really cared." It's actually not to find the lowest price to the best contractors, just so that people, oh, I

0:29:28 Thomas: No, you want to take the middle one. That's the dad tip. It's always like get three bids and take the middle is always the like classic dad. Tom, do you have that bit of like dad wisdom? That's usually what I think.

0:29:39 Tom: You know,

0:29:40 Eli: Don't think Tom's dad ever hired. Yeah.

0:29:40 Tom: I will tell you. No. My dad, my dad just does all the work himself.

0:29:40 Thomas: He's just cheap. Nevermind. He is just cheap, that's fair. You can never get any business for some reason.

0:29:44 Eli: His dad was the lowest.

0:29:48 Tom: My dad's joke is always like, I can screw it up three times myself for the price of hiring somebody once.

0:29:53 Thomas: Yeah, that is fair.

0:29:53 Tom: So he, yeah. I've never seen a repair person at my house until I grew up.

0:29:54 Eli: Bid. Remember when you traumatized yourself by changing your toilet podcast listener, I, this is sort of a moment between Tom and I, so I don't know how well this will play to you, the listening audience, but the day Tom and Cecil decided they could change a toilet, I have never seen them sadder or more discouraged as human beings. Oh God, I

0:30:01 Thomas: Wait,

0:30:16 Tom: I don't remember this. I've changed out a bunch of toilets.

0:30:16 Thomas: What? Are you talking about me? I did a toilet recently and everything went wrong, but ultimately it still ended up great and I loved every second of it. Was that it? That was like two, three months ago.

0:30:24 Eli: Know.

0:30:26 Tom: I'm trying to remember the story cuz I I've I've probably changed out ten toilets in my life.

0:30:30 Eli: Yeah, this was like the one of the first times we were working together, and you and Cecil, you were like, "Yeah, Cecil's coming over and we're going to change this toilet in my house, then we'll record," and I was like, "Oh cool, good luck with that." And then you got on the record and both of you screamed in horror and hatred for

0:30:33 Thomas: When you destroy him as much as Tom does. No, I'm just kidding.

0:30:50 Tom: I'm Well, I

0:30:50 Eli: The first 11 minutes of being on the line. You were like, "I hated it so much. Never again."

0:30:54 Tom: Fucking hate it. I will say at this point in my, like, if their toilet so much is, like, looks at me wrong, I'm buying a new house.

0:31:01 Thomas: I shouldn't be looking at you.

0:31:03 Tom: I am not fixing anything ever again. I'm done with fixing shit Like I've put in my time changing a toilets fucking disgusting. I'm not doing it

0:31:03 Eli: At trying

0:31:11 Thomas: I'm tired of these demons crawling up through the toilet and trying to drag me to hell. I keep changing the toilet. It's not working. It doesn't. I talked to the guy at the toilet place and he's like, we don't, they don't come with demons, but they do.

0:31:14 Eli: To drag me to hell. I don't give loans. I tried to explain that to them. Yeah.

0:31:22 Eli: And he was like, and I was like, "Oh, you're a demon." Yeah.

0:31:27 Tom: I remember, I remember the house I was in though. I was in, I think that might've been, if I remember this story, it might've had been my first house, which was like a 50 plus year old house. And every single thing you try to do yourself in an old house, every, you're just like, Oh, it's no big deal. Like you disconnect the water lines, you let it drain out. You take these two bolts off, you know, you lift it apart. Like, you can know conceptually how to do it. And Oh, actually, they've done it like they somebody else like did the worst job ever. Yeah. Yeah.

0:31:37 Eli: That's

0:31:38 Thomas: Do, oh, that sucks. That's the worst. Yes. No, that's the worst.

0:31:55 Thomas: Yeah, some pilgrim put some fucking shit, like, some of it's like really good but also really bad. Like, you'll be like, "Oh, the wood is, like, really thick and good here," but also completely illogical and not done right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You

0:32:06 Eli: Mahogany, but it's a triangle. Yeah.

0:32:10 Tom: Right. Yeah, why is there electrical in here? I wouldn't think there'd be electrical in there.

0:32:15 Eli: I live in a house that is too old. My house was built in 1888.

0:32:19 Tom: Jesus fucking Christ. What?

0:32:19 Eli: Yeah. Oh, but it gets worse. It actually gets worse. I live in a house that was built in 1888. I live in it. The guy before me thought he was handy, but wasn't.

0:32:25 Thomas: Live in it. No, I'm just gonna say I don't know. Yeah, that's right.

0:32:31 Eli: So every time I go to fix something, they're like, hey, did someone stick a bunch of chewing gum in here? And I'm like, it wasn't me. And they're like, oh, that's really going to cost you to fix. And I am like, yeah.

0:32:38 Tom: Oh, my God. Yeah yeah yeah.

0:32:38 Thomas: They're like, "It definitely was you." Yeah, they're looking at your pug shorts and, like, "I think it was you, though." Is the thing. It probably

0:32:45 Eli: Yeah.

0:32:51 Ad: [Ad break 4 — ad music]

0:32:52 Tom: So one time when I was at Cecil's house when Cecil and I first bought our houses, we would take turns weekends. I would work on his house. He'd work on my house. We're fixing stuff up together. Other, and his house was built by his grandfather -in -law right? So it was built by hand by this guy, everything, and it's built beautifully. It was a gorgeous house, just needed some updating and some work done on it, but he would repurpose shit. Like, this guy didn't let anything Everything had a, had a use, right? So, like, one time we were in the back and, like, there was a old busted-up well cap, and we need to break this well cap up, and we were gonna drop the, the busted-up well cap, made out of concrete, down the old well, and then we're gonna put a, a new well cap over the top of the well, right?

And so Cecil and I are working together, and he gets tired after a while, and he hands me the sledgehammer, and I grabbed the slledgehammer, and I'm breaking up this big hunk of concrete, and I am breaking up the big hank of concrete. By the way, it is over a well, so the well is maybe two and a half, three feet wide. It's a pretty good size well hole.

And I hit it and as I hit the concrete breaks and it breaks and kind of of moves, and it starts moving this giant chunk of concrete in. Well, he used barbed wire,

0:33:16 Thomas: Was Oh yeah, there you Go, oof.

0:34:00 Thomas: Yeah. Oh, what?

0:34:00 Tom: Leftover barbed wire, to reinforce the concrete well cap, and the barbed wire zinged and grabbed hold of my leg, and I was like, it

0:34:08 Thomas: Oh, I was gonna joke, it wrapped around your leg. No way. Come on.

0:34:12 Eli: Because you're in drag me to hell, Tom.

0:34:14 Thomas: Yeah, that's true. It could be Final Destination as well, but yes.

0:34:14 Tom: Grabbed my leg. Thankfully, it grabbed my jeans. All it did was grab the jeans and sort of like twist around them, and then everything fell, but I was, like, I had a moment where I looked and I was like, I almost got pulled down a well by a big giant gunk of like concrete and barbed wire.

0:34:23 Thomas: Oh my God, dude. By that. Jesus. Jesus Christ. Oh my God.

0:34:33 Eli: Yeah, Tom and it's like the fourth worst thing that's ever happened to you.

0:34:37 Tom: Yeah.

0:34:36 Thomas: Yeah. If it would have happened, it would be the fourth worst thing.

0:34:40 Tom: Fucking repurpose every goddamn thing.

0:34:42 Thomas: How many times per day would you say something tries to, quote, drag you to hell, would you say?

0:34:48 Eli: Really think about it, Tom. Really think about it. How much money would I have to, look, I have a lot of money on the line right now, because I want Tom to play Death Stranding. One

0:34:49 Tom: It's not, it's not zero. I'm not doing that.

0:34:57 Thomas: Hmm.

0:34:57 Eli: But when he's done playing Death Stranding, I want him to make a list of all the times things have tried to drag him down.

0:35:04 Thomas: Why don't you want me to play any things I haven't played that?

0:35:05 Tom: I've

0:35:06 Eli: You play those things. So, Tom, you know, Tom used to play video games, doesn't play video games because they're bad and stupid. No, he used to pay video games.

0:35:10 Thomas: I thought you never did.

0:35:13 Tom: Played video. I played a few video games.

0:35:14 Eli: But the modern ones are bad and stupid, and so the image of sitting Tom down to play Death Stranding pleases me to no end.

0:35:20 Thomas: Oh. Why? So what about, like, I don't know, that game? What about it?

0:35:22 Tom: Yeah, fun.

0:35:24 Eli: Oh God, so it's by Kojima, the guy who made Metal Gear Solid, getting as Kojima as possible. You are Norman Reedus walking through a post-apocalyptic wasteland where you are essentially a mailman, and the major mechanic of the game is trying to stay balanced while you walk the fine. I was telling, I was talking on Tom this last night, the final cut scene of the first game is two hours long. Two hours. If you hit the skip button at any point during that two hours, the game ends. It just because it's the end of the, it's the end again. So yeah, so I'm getting these quotes from the guy, right, and then he turns to me and he's like, now a lot of people, they install this style, but we install military grade. And I saw that, I was supposed to be like, oh, military grade.

0:35:39 Thomas: This, no.

0:35:55 Thomas: Wow, that's crazy. That's a

0:35:56 Tom: That's I wouldn't know. No, I would not. No, no.

0:36:04 Thomas: Movie. Wow. Huh.

0:36:04 Tom: Jesus Christ, what? Why would they even put a skip button on there?

0:36:19 Thomas: Wow, military grade. What is the thing again?

0:36:29 Eli: French.

0:36:29 Thomas: French, yeah, the military, yeah, they do a lot of French training that's killing and giving people PTSD and, oh, and cancer through burn pits. That's the

0:36:31 Tom: We're all supposed to like pretend to that we understand what that means.

0:36:35 Eli: Here's the things that I think the military is good at: killing innocent children. That's it.

0:36:45 Thomas: So If they were like, hey, we're gonna set up a cancer factory at your house, I'd be like, oh, military.

0:36:50 Eli: It needs to be military grain. Yeah.

0:36:50 Thomas: Grade. Yeah. Wow. Oh wow. It's a cancer PTSD factory. Holy shit, military grade. You're telling me you do military? Wow, that's

0:36:59 Eli: You know what else they're really good at? Because I like to throw in a little compliment sandwich there: air conditioning. Yep.

0:37:05 Tom: The military is good at air conditioning?

0:37:05 Thomas: Impressive. Interesting. They're so, yeah, they're used to conflicts in the Middle East, they have to figure it out. Yeah. Okay.

0:37:09 Eli: Temporary air conditioning. They're very excellent at setting it up. Just throwing that out there.

0:37:13 Tom: Jesus Christ. Well, like that's a great example though because like military grade is just a marketing term. Like it doesn't refer to actually grading something as being like meeting a certain set of standards or durability or whatever. But also we don't need our things to be like that. Like most people are not engaging in any of the activities that require any of this stuff. But all of this staff is meant to sort of reinforce these ideas around like how durable, how rugged, like because the things we buy are oftentimes stand -ins for like who we want to be, what image we want to project to ourselves, and like what image you want to project to the world about ourselves. Like that's why marketing works is it plays into very often those insecurities, right? Right. Tell people there's a problem and sell them the solution. If you think about it in those terms, all this tactical, tactical gear, all this like military grade, you know, ultra rugged, neural shit. Yeah. Like it's telling people.

0:37:18 Eli: Right.

0:37:19 Thomas: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

0:38:09 Thomas: The problem is your dick doesn't work. Here's what you do about it.

0:38:12 Eli: Paracord sometimes.

0:38:14 Tom: But it is playing into that

0:38:14 Thomas: I feel like that is what Eli does.

0:38:16 Tom: Male insecurity like big time. It's playing into and sort of just like reinforcing that like that male insecurity that like continues that toxic masculinity, but like weaponizes it for marketing. I kind of like some of that shit, that's the problem I have with it, right? Like, I like my shit to be made out of fucking impossible-to-break metal. Why, I don't know.

0:38:19 Eli: It

0:38:30 Thomas: Yeah yeah Because maybe the demon will try to break it as it drags you to hell. Yeah, well, it's funny because I'm such a, you know, fucking liberal beta cuck that not only do I have zero desire for violence at all. Yeah, I have, I have zero desire for violence at all, but also I don't eat meat. So there isn't even a, like, hunting part. So like, I see this stuff and I'm like, oh, that looks kind of cool. There's a part of my kid, my brain from, you know, when I was a kid living in the forest, it's like, damn, a bow and arrow or a fucking whatever, you know, like whatever that shit.

0:38:50 Eli: Works. Cuck survival. No.

0:39:08 Tom: Yeah.

0:39:08 Thomas: But I'm like, that would literally just be for shooting nothing. And I still kind of am into it, but it's like, I got no. Yeah. Yeah.

0:39:14 Tom: That's the thing, like, right, like, why are we still into it, man? Eli, do you experience this? Do you experienced this draw toward that kind of stuff at all? No. Yeah, no, I don' know, I like, it wouldn't surprise, Eli can sometimes be a massive contradiction, so like I would not, I, I would not be surprised if he

0:39:22 Eli: No.

0:39:22 Thomas: Look at him. Do you think he does? No. True. That's fair.

0:39:29 Eli: It's True. I'm a massive contradiction in principles.

0:39:35 Thomas: Okay, what if there's some, like, bondage connection? I'm trying to link it to something, like rope, military -grade rope for bondage. Yeah, yep, yep. The military's good at butt plugs. They make a good butt plug. Oh, okay. Well, but I'm sure you don't have to reveal it. There's probably a version of toy that you like that... Oh, OK.

0:39:40 Tom: Were, yeah, what if it was like military grade butt plugs, like obviously that's just what

0:39:46 Eli: I don't like those kinds of toys. Yeah, I know. I don'T like those kind of toys.

0:39:55 Tom: About a military-grade hammock for fig eating? Is there a military grade, like, is there, would you, would you be, you

0:39:57 Eli: Oh, okay, here's what I think it might. So, so first of all, I obviously, I love guns. I can't have one in the house because I'll statistically shoot myself with it. I'll statistically and personally shoot myself with it, like there's no way.

0:40:12 Tom: Know, fucking

0:40:12 Thomas: Yeah. Yeah, it wouldn't even be statistics about it. It's just like, you're going to do it.

0:40:17 Eli: There's that incredible standup comedy line. And I forget who the comedian is, but the, you know, they won't sell you a gun if you're crying. That, that's why I can have a gun.

0:40:26 Thomas: Yeah, what is that? That's so good. Oh,

0:40:27 Tom: Amazing.

0:40:28 Eli: It's an incredible line. It's, it's an incredibly one -liner. I forget whose it is, but it's Patton Oswalt mentions it in his book, but I never remember who he attributes it to. But yeah, I really like gun stuff. I think guns are cool. And I'll tell you what else I fall for. Tell you what also I fall for on a regular basis is like this car is the safest bullshit. Every time they're like when they're like we put this Toyota Honda Accord in a roll cage and I'm like, God, I might end up in a role cage. So I need to know.

0:40:38 Thomas: Really? Wow. Okay. Yep. Yep.

0:40:50 Tom: Really. Yeah.

0:41:00 Eli: I need this.

0:40:59 Tom: I think that taps into the same concepts though, like I think it very much taps into that same part of the brain that, like, I don't know where it comes from, but which has been constantly reinforced that you're like, I've got to get the toughest version of that. Like, I've seen laptops like this. I'm sure you guys have seen the same thing. Like, laptops that are in, like fucking super aluminum cases. They'll show people, like running over them with a car. And, dude, I have seen people in business meetings.

0:41:16 Thomas: Oh, five star, first gear. Yeah, yeah.

0:41:24 Eli: Yes. On a construction site with it yeah exactly loans

0:41:31 Tom: So I have seen people in businesses meetings in my own industry pull out a laptop. Laptop, now we're not in construction, man, like It's, I

0:41:32 Thomas: Oh God.

0:41:38 Eli: For witches .com

0:41:40 Thomas: You had no loans for which.

0:41:40 Tom: Like, it, like we're sitting at a fucking conference, I've seen people pull out laptops that are like in a fucking ultra, and I'm like, what the fuck is that for? It's like this reinforced aircraft aluminum, it's not, you could run it over with a truck, and I am like, do you put your laptop under trucks a lot? What is that? What is that for? Yes.

0:41:44 Thomas: Oh God, so pathetic. Yeah, camo, like, fucking, that's so dumb.

0:41:57 Thomas: Yeah, yeah, oh, that's true, you do need the military grade baby carrier for when Eli drives because he will run over your babies and people who can't drive.

0:41:59 Eli: Honestly, you should, you should marry my wife because then you would understand why you need a laptop you could run over with a truck. Oh, that's for cocks. Okay, the, the, you know how they do that, you know, there's like blue and pink marketing, so the liberal woman version of cock survival is, oops, I dropped it dishware, which is just, are you my wife and were you holding a glass in your hand and forgot, oops, I dropped a dishware made out of solid titanium with a spill-proof lid that you cannot remove no matter what, when it needs to be washed, you give us it? Yes, exactly. It's good for one drink. We, we recycle it, we melt it down and mail you a new one.

0:42:15 Thomas: Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Okay. OK.

0:42:41 Thomas: It's good for one drink. Yeah. Give us it back.

0:42:50 Clip: DEAR OLD DADS

0:42:57 Eli: All right, gentlemen, before we go, so my girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic last week. But if I'm going to have sex, I'm gonna do it on my own accord.

0:43:08 Thomas: All right.

0:43:09 Tom: I like that one. I like that one.

0:43:09 Thomas: I really like that one. That's stupid.

0:43:59 Eli: Survivor, your money back!

0:44:02 Thomas: Yep. The military is good at butt plugs.

0:44:05 Eli: You'll get a poach. I had a stroke, don't worry about it.

0:44:08 Thomas: Hmm? What just happened?

0:44:08 Tom: What? You'll get a, what? Okay, all right. I've never given a witch alone.

0:44:17 Thomas: I'm tired of these demons crawling up through the toilet and trying to drag me to hell.

0:44:22 Tom: Quick and small is my specialty. I got you.

0:44:25 Thomas: Oh, I thought it was the racehorse.