DOD205: Why Do Men Think They Can Fight Every Wild Animal?!

Transcript

This transcript was generated automatically and may contain errors — the audio is the record.

0:00:29 Tom: Dear Old Dads, the show that's, I guess that's what Thomas said to do, I'm just fine, Tom Curry, I've joined as always, is

0:00:36 Thomas: It on me I know I know because I edit the show along with Lydia that there's no proof of that, that was all Tom unless it was funny

0:00:43 Eli: That's right

0:00:42 Tom: That even what a gorilla sounds like, I don't even know what a guerrilla sounds like.

0:00:44 Thomas: No got to be the deeper one there are levels to monkey sounds that you need to learn. Frankly, I'm embarrassed embarrassed. I like the ones that have got the falsetto going.

0:00:46 Eli: They're like the and they do, like a, oh

0:00:54 Tom: Through them real quick. Can I get howler monkey, Thomas, when we run through no just blowing past

0:00:59 Thomas: They really, yeah, they're like, they're, like, you know, there's ones that are really, yeah, there, there're ones that're real screechy, you know, and then there's one that are deeper.

0:00:59 Tom: That when

0:01:03 Eli: Yeah

0:01:07 Tom: Ago, Hayley and I went to Belize and they have, uh, howler monkeys and other fucking monkeys in Belize. Really cool place. And like, we get out of the the van or whatever to go to the where we're staying and there's fucking howler monkeys doing their howling and it's at first you're like, that's fucking cool, like I'm someplace really special. And then I thought to myself, like, man if I fucking lived here this wouldn't be like enchanting, this would be like, I'm gonna kill every, yeah, yes, yes, there'd be nothing enchanting about that. You wouldn't like, oh, I'm in the fucking jungle, how cool, it feels like Indiana Jones in real life, you'd be like, fuck you, you asshole. Yes oh

0:01:24 Thomas: Does this ever stop? Yeah. Shut up!

0:01:41 Thomas: It's just a loud, loud neighbor, yeah yeah

0:01:37 Eli: Yeah it's it is, it's West Coast deer. Everyone from the East Coast, when they see a deer, they're like, a deer. Everyone from West Coast, they're fucking, fuck, God damn it, that piece of shit, fuck you. I

0:01:56 Tom: That's how Hayley, Hayley's from New York and that's how she feels about to your heart, she fucking hates them she

0:01:59 Eli: Think I

0:01:56 Thomas: Yeah okay that's how she feels about a lot of things, yeah she also saw a newborn baby and did the same thing yeah

0:02:01 Eli: Think she's just full of hate all living creatures. Mm -hmm yep they

0:02:06 Tom: Just runs into deer with their car all the time they're just a fucking death hazard. They run into your car in New York so, yeah fucking stupid ass animals

0:02:14 Eli: Do yeah it

0:02:15 Thomas: Well okay talking about the howler monkey sound all the time, you weird fucking East Coast people. And I'll be honest, I'm too ignorant to know if Chicago, I don't think this applies, but when I went over for one probably Probably when I went over. No, no, not East Coast, but of the thing I'm going to say, when I went over for one of the matrons for one of the pajama parties, and Heath and I played a little, just a tiny amount of golf, just a little bit, just a little little bit of golf that we played entire time of the trip instead of being with everyone else.

0:02:26 Eli: Doesn't count don't worry that's

0:02:26 Tom: Oh

0:02:44 Thomas: If you played golf, I would have loved having you. Would have loved having you at certain point. Hey, what's that God awful fucking constant noise, noise that never goes away and that I'm gonna kill myself? And he says, what, what are you talking about? I was like, you know the noise that's like all the time? And he's like, I I don't even know what. And I was, you don't hear that? And then he's like, oh, you mean the, like, cicadas? I was like yeah, you just have that all the fucking time and no, or at least whatever time of years or whatever that is. He's like, yeah, I don't even notice it anymore. I was like

0:02:43 Eli: Okay, yeah exactly I I was welcome, yeah

0:03:18 Tom: You don'

0:03:18 Thomas: What the fuck, no not that. That, no, we have crickets. We have the, like, you know, it. We have a polite, we've Jiminy Cricket there. He sings you a song about it if you're an orphan or whatever the fuck that movie is.

0:03:18 Tom: T have cicadas oh year, we had that 17-year brood that came out, so we have cicada's all the time but last year with the 17-year brood, where there were literally tens of millions or billions of these things, and it was like, it so loud in certain places you can't even, yeah, it's kind of like the sound of cicadas, to be honest with you. I oh

0:03:31 Eli: The big ones yeah they're

0:03:32 Thomas: Yep, yep. It's impossible. I would die. So wait, you do too? That's, I thought the weather, Chicago, really? Okay, I don't know anything.

0:03:49 Tom: If they're constant. Yeah, they're constantly like oh, yeah yeah yeah I mean

0:03:50 Eli: In little coats and hats, yeah but

0:03:50 Thomas: Really? And eating hot dogs and like, hey, you don't put their.

0:03:55 Eli: -huh no ketchup, yeah

0:03:58 Tom: Is not colder than New York. It's, it's basically the same, like like the weather in Chicago is the same as New York.

0:03:58 Thomas: Yeah. Oh, what? What? Hold on.

0:04:03 Tom: Yeah.

0:04:04 Thomas: What?

0:04:04 Tom: Yeah, yeah, it's the same.

0:04:05 Thomas: No, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

0:04:07 Tom: It's it. No, it would like it's a set like New

0:04:07 Thomas: That's wrong. The expert in this situation, you both are incorrect.

0:04:13 Tom: York is maybe like a couple of degrees warmer on average, but it's virtually the same and New York gets way more snow. Like it's not even close.

0:04:21 Thomas: York gets more snow?

0:04:22 Eli: Well, are picturing New York City, which is an island, as opposed to New Yorg State, which is an island of culture, like the state gets, or

0:04:30 Thomas: Oh. Oh,

0:04:23 Tom: Oh, yeah. Right. Right. Yeah. When Haley and I were dating, like, cause you know, the way the weather pattern is like, I would get the weather and then a couple of days later, she'd get basically the same weather. But if I got two inches of snow, she might get 12 or 14 inches of snows.

0:04:33 Thomas: Okay. Wow. Jeez.

0:04:43 Eli: Did she just tell you that was what it was? I

0:04:45 Thomas: Yeah. Do you have snow envy?

0:04:47 Tom: It right, was. Right. Right. I did just realize something though, guys, as a result of, of your conversation I, I Done. Oh, fuck you. Click.

0:04:54 Eli: Quit the podcast, guess.

0:04:52 Thomas: Nonsense. What have I been doing with my life? Goodbye.

0:04:59 Eli: I can't

0:05:02 Tom: I can make all the pain go away Right now I, of this fucking neck problem, I don't have to go on my work golf trip. I have to go to the thing, but I get to skip all the golf.

0:05:03 Eli: Stop screaming. Whoa.

0:05:08 Thomas: What neck problem? Can I go? Can I be Tom? Can be? I Can you have a designated golfer? Dude, be like, hey, I'm injured. This is that's in the rules.

0:05:16 Eli: Right. This is my pinch golfer.

0:05:21 Thomas: I check the check the bylaws.

0:05:17 Tom: Dude, if you what So here's, like, here, the trip, the, like, when you go, you can go and spend the day at the spa or you can go golfing, but

0:05:31 Thomas: And if you go on the spot, you get fired. And if we go golf,

0:05:34 Eli: It's a secret firing

0:05:34 Thomas: You go golf. You get a raise.

0:05:35 Eli: Spot. Yeah.

0:05:36 Thomas: Workplace Well, we've heard about how sexist his workplace is. It has like two women ever, and they both play in the LPGA tour.

0:05:36 Tom: Well, like Like, Literally, all of the guys Yeah, so of the guy's go to, so everybody go, but this year I'm gonna be like oh, sorry, I gotta go, uh you know, I gotta go over here and go to the spa and enjoy, like, fucking, like, a body treatment and a back rub and, you know, salt scrub. You guys go hit a ball for no reason.

0:05:56 Thomas: Oh, I love this I love this secretly

0:05:57 Tom: Doesn't matter, it's gonna be so great. Oh, they

0:05:58 Thomas: 90 % of them want to just go to the spa, but they all have to pretend they want to play stickball. I make

0:06:04 Tom: Seem

0:06:04 Eli: Oh, I'm not missing.

0:06:04 Tom: To fucking Love it, dude.

0:06:05 Eli: I'm not missing around. No, you can on these greens and these greens, these greens. My game is. Oh so tired. Am so fucking tired. You love

0:06:12 Thomas: That joke. Now, you fellows know that I am the person, and who absolutely does just rather want to play golf. But I did that joke for you guys because I think for you non -sportsmen, your theory is probably that all the men would rather do the spa and secretly.

0:06:20 Eli: Love to golf. It's true.

0:06:28 Tom: Oh, I know

0:06:27 Eli: Tom's a sportsman he just wants to ride his little boy bike around his little fucking if they had to ride your little bike around and not drink any water path, he'd take that in a second.

0:06:28 Tom: For certain I do want to ride my, oh, you

0:06:31 Thomas: Tom is not a sportsman. First off, he's champion of the world. Number one ranked. My

0:06:40 Eli: I'll

0:06:41 Tom: Would crush that. A couple of years ago we, we'd expanded the group that got to go to this thing, and one of the sales reps went, and she's a, uh, Iron Man triathlete. She's done, like, six of them. Well, she doesn't golf. What she, she brought her bike, and I was like, oh man, if she goes next year I'll just go with her. Like, I'll bring mine and Yeah, I was gonna, like, we could ride bikes together. It was, it sounded great, but exactly like, all right, well, ding, ding. Fine. I don't care. But, and she would leave me in the absolute fucking dust. It would be really fun. She would be light years better than I would be, but she didn't get invited back the next year. So it was a bummer, but I don'T have to

0:06:51 Thomas: Joke wasn't far off. I said they had two women. They both played for the LPGA Tour. That's about it. Okay. Ran over everybody.

0:07:02 Eli: Bring I'll break bike too. Do you want to ride bikes? Oh,

0:07:22 Tom: Go golfing. I just realized that I just, I don' have to, I DON'T have to fucking go golf. This is the greatest day of my life. Yes.

0:07:22 Thomas: Because she didn't fucking golf. Yeah. Oh, man.

0:07:22 Eli: You don't have to go golfing that's nice yeah that's

0:07:27 Tom: I have to shave my beard. Yes, I have like, I Don'T have TO go golfING.

0:07:30 Thomas: You know what it's like to be way too burned out and to be my idiot self? I have been having a thought. No joke. I've been having it thought I haven't golfed in probably, I don't know, three, four years. I mean, that time I played with Heath was Like the last time I paid. And I have been having a thought every week for two years, like, fuck, I need to golf, and then just can't and don't. Isn't being old depressing?

0:07:31 Tom: I Oh, that sounds great.

0:07:54 Eli: What?

0:07:54 Thomas: Old.

0:07:54 Eli: Matreon is for Thomas.

0:07:55 Thomas: And overworked.

0:07:55 Eli: We have fixed one day of the the year, one part of the year where you're just like, no, they gotta go. No, and he make me gotta. And that's just, that's the time when you get to do any of the things you want to do.

0:08:04 Thomas: We didn't for the last this was like three years ago. Why didn't we on the last two fucking Marsh Probably, yeah.

0:08:08 Eli: I don't know. Hey, hey. I do not arrange the fucking golfing, all right? That's I do. I do the meals, I grow the weed, I grind the wheat, but I DON'T DO THE FUCKING GOLFING.

0:08:12 Thomas: I know. I don't don't know what happened Between Heath and I, I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT WAS. Oh no, one of them was because I had too much work, that's right, because of the lawsuit, and then the other one. Okay, well We'll make it happen. I appreciate that.

0:08:24 Eli: Oh Yeah. There

0:08:27 Tom: Lawsuit?

0:08:27 Eli: You go, yeah.

0:08:27 Tom: Wait a minute. You had a lawsuit? You never told us about this.

0:08:28 Thomas: Yeah. It was about

0:08:29 Eli: Your neck.

0:08:30 Thomas: My neck pain, yeah, definitely.

0:08:33 Eli: But, gentlemen, do you know the only thing worse than, uh, lawsuit? Why, it's the auto ads. The auto adds, they, uh, traumatic brain injury to Thomas in their own way, if you think about it. You can make that go away over at Patreon

0:08:47 Thomas: The subject of major part of the lawsuit was that deeply intertwined.

0:08:50 Eli: Is Uh, patreon.com forward slash dear old dads, you get a commercial-free extended version of every single episode. Did a little parenting story last week: my son's being turned into a Russian agent. How? Why? Find out.

0:09:02 Thomas: What?

0:09:03 Eli: Over at patreon.com forward slash dear old dads. All right, I've been looking forward to this one. Are you guys ready? Rip in to it. That was The rip into it. I put it when I originally made my spreadsheet of rip into its, I have 226 rip intoits. Uh, and that was It was one that I was excited about.

0:09:07 Tom: Absolutely. What? That's what you were looking forward to?

0:09:17 Thomas: Oh But what is that I don't know. What is it? Oh Man, I'm sorry, I don't, this is, this is the biggest dud in history, and I'm sure it's our fault. Do, Tom, are you I'm at, at a loss.

0:09:27 Eli: It's from a song.

0:09:37 Thomas: I got nothing.

0:09:36 Tom: I don't know what's happening at all. What is the song?

0:09:37 Eli: It's great. Trust me. Our listeners are singing along right now.

0:09:41 Thomas: Okay.

0:09:42 Tom: I don'T know that that's the case.

0:09:43 Eli: Loving it.

0:09:43 Thomas: I believe him because I don't know anything popular.

0:09:46 Eli: Rip into it. Gorilla grip into it theme of the episode. Brings me to the topic of this episode. We are not afraid to wade into controversy here at Dear Old Dads. And yeah, we like to joke around. Like to keep you updated. What's going on with our lives, our thoughts, our feelings, our opinions on modern times. But sometimes we got to buck off our shoes. We got to hike up our pants and we got To answer the most difficult questions, the most difficult questions circulating the Internet, man versus bear, man versus other dangerous thing. And today we will be tackling an Internet phenomenon. Gentlemen, have you seen this anywhere? Have you seen the social

0:09:47 Thomas: Okay, damn.

0:09:54 Tom: I

0:10:14 Thomas: What is happening? Oh, yeah.

0:10:30 Eli: Discourse?

0:10:31 Thomas: I've seen reference to it, but I have not partaken in what this is. Now, here's

0:10:33 Tom: I've seen reference to it as well

0:10:36 Thomas: The thing. Because we are recording around Tom's neck surgery, this is now like three weeks old by the time they're hearing this. So this is ancient history. So you're gonna have have to explain it to us and everyone who already has moved on to the next animal cycle. They're fighting lions or something by now, but we're on the, we got to tackle this one.

0:10:50 Eli: All yeah So did some research. This all starts with a user named Michael Shirellis

0:11:00 Thomas: Famous last words of every podcast episode. Eli did research. Okay.

0:11:00 Eli: Um who sparked the discourse with his April 24th X post that says "Yes, men." Wait, let me read the exact tweet. Read. Nope, it's got the N-word in it. Okay.

0:11:15 Tom: Jesus. Christ, are you serious? I

0:11:17 Eli: I think will not say it, don't worry. I think 100

0:11:20 Thomas: I wasn't worried. Now I'm worried. I wasn't afraid. Now. I'm afraid.

0:11:22 Eli: Now but I wanted, no, because I started to talk and I needed to be clear I wasn't going to power through two slurs. This gentleman appears to be a gentleman of color, and I think he's using it in the way that he finds a, this is definitely not a racial situation. Alright, so at Dream Chasin' Mike says, "I think 100 could beat one gorilla. Everybody just gotta be dedicated to the shit." Laughing face, laughing face.

0:11:29 Tom: Don't

0:11:35 Thomas: Ah, gotcha.

0:11:54 Thomas: This is apropos of nothing. Are people just, They know the formula of men and the internet now. There's just all these little cedar tweets everywhere.

0:11:56 Eli: Apropos of nothing it's just that

0:12:03 Tom: Think it's that complicated to figure out of a formula You You know, like, right.

0:12:05 Thomas: I know, I know. Well, just in terms of what actually catches on. If we looked in the dark web, are there 9 million permutations of different combinations of numbers? I think 12 seals could take on, you know, or two. Because like one of these weird fucking things will catch on for no reason.

0:12:13 Eli: They're just working on at all times. Yeah. Yeah.

0:12:22 Tom: I didn't know the original tweet, but I saw like some real where they were asking like UFC fighters, what they thought about this. And of course UFC fighters get, you paid good money to get hit in the fucking head for a living. So there were a couple of them that were like, I think I could take a gorilla.

0:12:36 Tom: And the one guy's like, Oh, what I do is I would like shoot the legs and take them down. And the the interviewer like let him finish this whole thing he's like a male silverback girl that weighs 600 pounds and the guy just stopped he'slike all right so I would have to I'd have to approach laterally you know like what right

0:12:36 Thomas: No, no. Yeah, never mind. On one hand, fighters, yeah, they might be dumb. On the other hand, they do understand weight classes. They do understand that intimately. Understand that to move even 10 pounds up in a weight class could be the difference between a champion and someone who will get beaten by, I won't say, you know, a large number of the people in the weight class higher. 600 fucking pounds. We don't have a weight glass for 600 pounds.

0:12:57 Tom: Right

0:13:15 Thomas: There's no human that at that weight. Wait,

0:13:09 Tom: No

0:13:15 Eli: We should. When Peter, what's his name, the guy who created PayPal, creates the steroid Olympics, we are gonna, Peter Thiel is allowed to create his one good idea besides PayPal, the steroid Olympics yes, it's a great idea,

0:13:26 Tom: It's the greatest idea ever the

0:13:21 Thomas: Peter Thiel? Yeah. Steroid Olympics? I

0:13:29 Eli: Yes

0:13:28 Tom: Greatest ideia ever what

0:13:29 Eli: Then we are going to have a 600 pound thing, and the first event is gonna be gorillas beating

0:13:31 Thomas: Guess. Jesus.

0:13:33 Tom: Do you mean you guess the steroid olympics hold on a minute steroid olympics is the absolute pinnacle of human achievement like I I want to see hamstrings tear I want to See people's hearts give out let's fill people full of every conceivable

0:13:48 Thomas: You just want everyone else to suffer as much as you do on a normal basis? Okay. You're not even that good at sports, Tom.

0:13:49 Eli: Yes yes, do you, okay

0:13:49 Tom: Yes yes yeah I do it for no gains no gain at all no

0:13:59 Thomas: Yeah.

0:13:57 Eli: Remember League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, what what Sean Connery turned into to at the end when he drank the hide potion?

0:14:02 Thomas: No. Never seen it.

0:14:04 Eli: Well, it's a great film, and it's a really good example. That's what everyone at the Terrorite Exhibit should be. They

0:14:04 Thomas: What is it?

0:14:05 Tom: I love when we try to use a fucking analogy and the bombs like that it's my favorite

0:14:15 Thomas: Have you seen that movie, Tom? I don't know what that is. Okay. Boy, Eli, I'm sorry, man. Just better luck next time. You're over on today's episode.

0:14:16 Tom: No I have no idea no I

0:14:22 Eli: Can't believe I missed on my League of Extraordinary Gentlemen reference that classic film and whatever that song is. Mockingbird.

0:14:24 Thomas: Yeah. And whatever a song was that doesn't exist. It's probably.

0:14:30 Eli: Mockingbird.

0:14:32 Thomas: That's what I. Okay. So now it's on you because I know that from Dumb and Dumber is the only way I know it. And I didn't recognize it. So you did a bad job. Okay. Glad we solved that one.

0:14:40 Tom: Also

0:14:32 Eli: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. There you go. Good to know. I feel like I failed no matter what. So yeah, the steroid Olympics is a great idea because here's the thing, The right? Argument against the steroid Olympics is that would ruin their lives. And that person who can say that sentence is not aware of how the rest of an Olympic athlete's life is.

0:14:58 Thomas: Yeah. Know how many people don't get like medals in the Olympics that just did the life earning part for no reason?

0:15:05 Tom: Who cares like sign if a fucking waiver do whatever you got to do I don't give a shit I don'T CARE IF THEY SHOW UP WITH LIKE FUCKING TRANSPLANTED CYBORG PARTS THAT'S GREAT AWESOME YOU WANT TO LIKE YOU DO HAVE TANK TREADS INSTEAD OF LEGS SURE ABSOLUTELY COME ON on

0:15:18 Thomas: Jesus Christ, you

0:15:13 Eli: Yeah, that sounds awesome too. Laser cannons. Yeah. Yeah, I turned myself into a half car. Do it. Fuck

0:15:23 Tom: Do it a fucking sold thomas

0:15:23 Eli: Yeah.

0:15:23 Thomas: Guys, are Like, we're not getting into dystopia fast enough. Hurry up, everyone, go more dystopian. Yeah.

0:15:28 Eli: Yeah. Our dystopia is not fun. Where's the, the half car is fun.

0:15:32 Thomas: No, okay. You have a you have Good point. I'm listening. Yeah.

0:15:36 Eli: Instead of just grandma being like, I saw on the Facebook that Hillary Clinton made herself into a dragon. Like fucking no, I want grandma to be a head in a jar.

0:15:30 Tom: Look let's embrace it yeah yes yeah

0:15:37 Thomas: That's fair and then climate change burns us alive. Yeah. Yeah. No, fair, that's a fair point. You know, you're persuading me. You're not enough.

0:15:48 Eli: Right, exactly. Where are the tubes? Where are The Sprockets?

0:15:49 Tom: A thousand percent like look we well and

0:15:57 Thomas: Tubes that go to parts on your head that you're not using them. Yeah.

0:15:59 Eli: Nuts and bolts is what I

0:16:01 Thomas: Not

0:16:01 Eli: Was promised. Yes, yeah.

0:16:02 Tom: Like like especially when it comes to like combat sports like sports we're we're going to worry about the safety and well -being of people whose job It is to either receive or inflict traumatic brain injuries like come the fuck on.

0:16:04 Thomas: Enough tubes. Yeah. God. Obviously.

0:16:13 Eli: Do you remember when transphobes ruined that lady's life because they said she was trans even though she was a hundred percent not trans and also lived in a country where it was incredibly dangerous to be trans now.

0:16:19 Thomas: Not Yeah. Yeah. And Richard Dawkins still thinks she's trans for some reason.

0:16:26 Eli: Richard Dawkins still thinks she's trans because he's the worst. Think about how much cooler that controversy con would have been if they had been like, she replaced her arms with swords.

0:16:33 Thomas: Yeah. Look, actually a very dangerous country to be a sword-armed person in, though. They discriminate against that all.

0:16:35 Eli: Yes. Exactly. What I'm talking about. Oh

0:16:39 Tom: Have a friend of mine who used to be a nationally ranked powerlifter. I've mentioned before on this show like was like maybe number two or three at his weight class in the country. So it's a big deal powerlift all of those guys juice 100 % of those guys. Like we talk about, he's like, yeah, you can't, you cannot make your body do this naturally. He's like nobody is competing natural. We don't test. None of us care. We all know what we're getting into. And it's like yeah, all right, cool. If I want to see somebody pick up 900 pounds, which I kind of do, like I don't care what they have to like, sure, do it. What do I give a shit? You know, it's not my body.

0:16:53 Eli: Yeah, they're all choosing 100 Well And a half

0:17:13 Thomas: Right. But are you you ready ready for the real answer though, for the real answer Here's First off, I want to say this. I want to start with one thing, which is any fight against an animal one-on-one. And nobody has any fucking idea how shit, I say nobody, most men, probably 90% of men, have no idea how little chance they have. I don't think that men could beat a house cat in a real fight. I of strength

0:17:18 Tom: Yeah, let's go.

0:17:36 Tom: You ever try to put your house housecat in like it's fucking car carrier or something against its will. It can't be done.

0:17:37 Thomas: Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. Do you think you won do you thank you won that fight, everyone Maybe, maybe, maybe kind of. And that's like a four-pound, fuck, that's it. What is that, 18 pound max? Like, like a bobcat, like even those are so fucking killer compared. We are the losers of, of the fucking junk of the, whatever, the animal kingdom. We're, we are such losers, we had to, we had to start studying and develop brains and class and say, you know, math class.

0:17:42 Tom: Yeah. Yeah.

0:18:04 Eli: Well No. I see, I think that's unfair because our way of winning is tools, and then whenever we do these thought experiments on ourselves, we're like, no tools. I

0:18:10 Thomas: Yep. Yeah. No, that that's fair. But that's what I'm saying we're such losers physically. We had to invent things and and go to math class.

0:18:14 Tom: Well, that's fair. That's fair, I

0:18:18 Eli: Think we should get tools. I think it should be 100 men armed with machine guns versus a gorilla. Oh

0:18:21 Thomas: A gun. Yeah. Jesus.

0:18:24 Tom: It should be tools, but it's like, woodworking it's, tools, you know, you get, you got,

0:18:27 Eli: So

0:18:28 Thomas: Christ. So, but I'm not done with the answer because I think if it's one gorilla that it's not even, not if it's, if it's one fucking anything versus one dude, not even. But here's my real answer: hundred dudes, yes, they could be a gorilla 100 easily. A hundred A hundred. Here's, go back to the weight class comparison where I said 10 pounds of weight class makes a massive difference. 200-pound fighters could beat one 250-pound fighter like

0:18:38 Tom: A hundred of any, yeah. Yeah. Right. Yeah, yeah!

0:18:52 Eli: Happening there is the gorilla just getting tired? Like, take me through, because this is my question, right? My question is not that whether the hundred men can win. My question, and Tom, this is, I'm bowling this straight up your alley. How do you effectively manage the solution to make but

0:19:03 Tom: Uh -oh.

0:19:07 Thomas: Many people are going to die. Many men are going to die that day.

0:19:10 Eli: What's the plan? You're the general in charge of the 100 man army. What's the plan?

0:19:14 Tom: You gotta wear them out.

0:19:11 Thomas: Okay, here to hold on, we need finish stipulating the rules. The first thing is I not saying this would be a comfortable fun, but this, this is a, like, evil, like, king puts you in a place where you have to do that. Like, there's no, I'm not voluntarily doing this. We're not winning in a fun way. This is, we of us will get out with our lives is what I'm saying.

0:19:16 Eli: Okay.

0:19:30 Eli: Me, I'll tell you what, we'll make it a racist gorilla, okay, so that we don't all, we all have to can we all leave minority can we all leave it behind. That's

0:19:34 Tom: You we can all feel good about it.

0:19:34 Thomas: Oh no, no, I, no I'm say it's weird space empire, something, you've been trapped in a virtual reality or something, stuck. You're there. And then at that point, it's like, hey, here's the thing. Some of us are going to die. That's what's going to happen, but we all have to outnumber it and surround it and just fucking lay humanity on it. That's the only way. Okay

0:19:54 Tom: You've got to treat this like, you like, ever see, like, people that go, like, a Marlin fishing or whatever? They get this giant fucking fish. It's way stronger than you, but like, you just wear the fucking thing out. You got a hundred people. I think he got to do this like, like a relay race fight type thing, right? So you get people run in, you tire the thing out for a while. That guy runs out. He do this with seven, eight, 10 guys at a time. He distracted. It's constantly moving. Meanwhile, people are recovering. You've that a hundred people by the time, like, the 86th person runs in, that fucking thing can't even lift its arms, and, and then just all swarm it.

0:20:25 Thomas: Why I disagree with you. I don't think there's any situation where anyone's recovering. I think if you are engaging with the gorilla, you are dying very quickly. Like, anyone who's actually, because that, that is the truth, and like they, they this weird instinct where they rip off your dick and, like, gouge out your eyes immediately. Oh Okay.

0:20:33 Tom: Well I I would say, don't engage it, right? Yeah. Those are chimpanzees, not not

0:20:34 Eli: What I'm worried about Yeah. They

0:20:41 Thomas: Well, do Do you think the gorillas haven't figured that out? Do you thing gorillas havent figured that out yet? They talk. They talk to each other. What do you think all that yelling is? That's them. They're like, go for the dick! Go for the Dick!

0:20:42 Tom: Girl Yeah. Those Yeah.

0:20:45 Eli: Haven't talked about it They've been, they've been having this thought experiment for thousands of years. Okay, but what if there's a hundred of them? All right, I'm glad you asked. Here's the game plan: don't let them wear you out. I

0:20:59 Tom: Rip their dicks off, right?

0:20:59 Thomas: So, do you thing the thing that's even bigger, and literally, it's one of the few animals in nature that looks like it lifts. You know, like it actually works out.

0:21:13 Tom: They're fucking crazy looking. Yeah.

0:21:14 Thomas: Which is crazy. Are they lifting stuff out there? Like tree dumbbells or something, like how they do that fucking

0:21:14 Tom: They're crazy looking

0:21:20 Eli: I think they just, it's just natural it's all, they're they're

0:21:22 Thomas: Jesus.

0:21:21 Tom: It's all burpees it's all body weight calisthenics.

0:21:23 Thomas: Yeah. They're all pull-ups and, but how do they get the pecs going? That's my question. Push-ups. I guess Michael

0:21:29 Eli: They're The Michael Phalps of the Animal Kingdom.

0:21:30 Thomas: Phelps. Yeah.

0:21:31 Tom: You guys ever been attacked by, I, I think, I don't know if I told the story about getting attacked by a, I got attacked by a German shepherd. My Fin actually asked me the other day. Fin texted me the day out of the blue, because he texts me crazy shit sometimes: Dad, do you think I could fight a German shepherd? And I laughed and I was like, no, a thousand percent you cannot fight a German shepherd. I, when I was 18 or 19, I used to jog, so I would, I would lift weights and jog, and I would use to jog. It was night time and I'm jogging down my street and I've got headphones on, you know, and I'm not paying attention to anything, and a German shepherd runs up out of the yard or whatever, and it jumps

0:21:34 Thomas: Oh my God. No.

0:21:34 Eli: A gorilla?

0:21:45 Thomas: Jesus.

0:22:03 Thomas: Christ. What is Tom's

0:22:05 Tom: I don't

0:22:05 Thomas: Life. What is, what did you do? Tom, you need to tell us what you did.

0:22:07 Eli: Just the worst of all. But he was Pol Pot. He was

0:22:08 Tom: Know, it's

0:22:10 Eli: Pol... I've been tracking the karmic points. He was Pole Pot on

0:22:13 Tom: Gotta be it

0:22:13 Thomas: Is when When did Pol Pot die? If he died in Tom's birth year, I

0:22:16 Tom: March 17 1978. It was yeah, bad

0:22:17 Eli: Tom's birthday. Yeah, that's when

0:22:18 Thomas: Think we have an answer.

0:22:19 Eli: He died.

0:22:19 Tom: Times.

0:22:19 Thomas: I think you have an answering.

0:22:20 Tom: Fucking huge German shepherd run, and it, like, jumps up on me, and its face is like real fucking close to my face, and I, I push the dog down, I start screaming and yelling because I'm like, it just scared the shit out of me. So I'm making maximum noise, right? The dog jumps up again and I hit it as hard as I could with my balled up fist, right? I'm 18, 19, I'm a big enough guy. This dog didn't care at all.

0:22:25 Thomas: Jesus Christ. Yeah, that's scary as fuck.

0:22:41 Thomas: No, do not care. Irrelevant to the dog.

0:22:43 Tom: It Like nothing had happened to this dog whatsoever, and I was like, that's all I got. The dog jumped again I'm just like right?

0:22:48 Thomas: I don't have any other ideas. Fuck.

0:22:50 Tom: That's like, that's the only half, right? Like, I think. And then finally, like, right as this dog's about to rip my fucking face open, and the owner comes out and starts yelling at me for punching his dog, and dog hears him yelling, his dog gets down, the dog is snarling, he grabs his dog, this guy fucking reads I afraid he'd let his dog go like I'd rather fight this guy

0:23:09 Eli: Right, he said, Put your

0:23:00 Thomas: Fuck off. Fuck off, I would start punching the guy. Yeah, That's fair. That's Fair. That's there. Please secure that talk so I could kick your ass.

0:23:11 Eli: Dog inside and we're going to have a conversation.

0:23:14 Thomas: Dude, if someone yelled at you for a dog attacking you and you fighting back, get fucked. Dogs can fucking kill and rip your face off easily.

0:23:11 Tom: Yeah you Already beat the shit out of you in It was, it was like nothing. It was, when I was talking to Finn, I was like, "Like, there's a reason the police and the military use these dogs, because they win against everybody. Like, everybody. Nobody's like, oh, yeah, beat the shit out of that dog. No, you wouldn't. The dog weighed maybe 100 pounds, maybe.

0:23:29 Thomas: Yeah. Yeah. Maybe.

0:23:38 Tom: I'm at me was maybe 80 to 100 pounds. Let's say on the shorter side, 80 pounds. That dog beat my ass all day and twice on Sunday. And I was like $1 .60 at the time.

0:23:38 Thomas: Probably not even that. Yeah.

0:23:47 Tom: So, way.

0:23:48 Eli: Be fair, it didn't have the element of surprise. Prize. What if they had been like three, two, one dog fight?

0:23:52 Tom: No, you could put it on my calendar. It would have kicked my ass Are You kidding Me?

0:23:55 Thomas: Yeah, not my calendar, but your calendar. Even Tom's calendar, yeah.

0:23:57 Eli: Oh man.

0:23:57 Tom: Yeah. I'll be like, okay, Thursday, next Thursday, the 26th, his dog's gonna beat your ass, like it sure is.

0:24:02 Thomas: Like, fuck, is it dog fight day? God damn it. Why don't you tell me when dog fight is? Dog fight day is every year. I never know.

0:24:04 Tom: Yeah. That's supposed to be in the car wash we got to do that in the car wash. A

0:24:11 Thomas: Yeah. Yeah.

0:24:11 Eli: Never carbo load on dog fight day.

0:24:14 Tom: Fucking 600 pound gorilla. No man. No.

0:24:16 Thomas: It's not even, yeah. But a hundred people willing to die, a I'm not even joking. If you got a hundred average people and none of them were willing to Dye, it's not working. You have to all, everybody's got to go in. Everybody's got it going.

0:24:20 Tom: I'm hundred people can do it but

0:24:28 Eli: Everybody's got to be in it.

0:24:28 Thomas: You Have to a

0:24:29 Tom: I said

0:24:29 Eli: Yeah. They got to begin it to win it.

0:24:29 Tom: Like I if you get a dozen and a half guys and you're kind of running and you try to, like, everybody's trying to get out of his way, you know, so he doesn't know which one to grab at.

0:24:35 Thomas: Hundred is a lot. I I Think you divide into equal parts of 25 and you're like, you guys are the, the right leg. You guys are, the left leg. Like, you guys are the right arm. You guys are left arm.

0:24:43 Tom: I'm saying stay away from it. I'm say, just keep it constantly running after someone.

0:24:46 Thomas: Oh, just jog. You're just jogging.

0:24:47 Tom: Yeah. You're just trying to, and it's trying, it's all it does.

0:24:48 Thomas: And then if anyone's not good at jogging, they're fucked.

0:24:50 Tom: Then they get squashed.

0:24:50 Thomas: They're going to get eaten. Yeah, that's

0:24:52 Tom: Yeah. They get squished right away. Yeah. Yeah. A hundred percent.

0:24:52 Thomas: Fair. Until it's so tired. Yeah, I mean, that's real. I mean fatigue.

0:24:54 Tom: Yeah.

0:24:55 Eli: That's how we did Buffalo.

0:24:56 Tom: Tired out.

0:24:56 Eli: That's what we did. Buffalo.

0:24:56 Tom: Yeah.

0:24:57 Thomas: Yeah. Yeah, That's fair, okay.

0:24:58 Tom: Yeah. That'd be my strategy. So I think the least amount of casualties that way, cause you're not fighting, no one's fighting it until it's fucking exhausted.

0:25:00 Thomas: Yeah, that's probably right.

0:25:05 Tom: So it can't even lift its head up. Well, we can't all outrun a gorilla, but

0:25:05 Eli: Can Can you outrun a gorilla though? I don't think we can. I don'T think any of us can give me one second.

0:25:11 Thomas: Yeah, but are we just letting it pick us off?

0:25:14 Tom: Well, if there're lots of us, it'll be distracted. That's the whole like, you know, fish swarm in a group and like, it's harder to pick them off kind of a thing. You know, that's

0:25:16 Thomas: Yeah, I think there are still issues with Tom's plan.

0:25:21 Eli: 25 miles per hour.

0:25:23 Thomas: That's pretty fast.

0:25:24 Tom: Very fast.

0:25:25 Thomas: That's very fast.

0:25:25 Tom: Yeah. Like

0:25:26 Eli: I feel like he's just catching, and everybody did

0:25:28 Tom: Hilariously have no idea how slow they are either. Like if you, if you get somebody and you see like a professional athlete and you're like, you watch somebody run like full-on sprint, like the average guy full -onsprint, and then you have them, I've seen these videos, like the averaged dude full -ont sprinting and then like an Olympic athlete full -outsprinting, and the difference is so night and day and that that it's it's the other people are going backwards, it's they're so slow, yes.

0:25:28 Thomas: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's Insane. Yeah. Yeah. Did You see the recent Oh, God, are you gonna say the thing of the mom, yeah.

0:25:54 Eli: Guys have you seen, I think I'm about to say exactly the same thing. Which is the

0:25:58 Thomas: The thing about the Olympian mom at that, like, picnic thing.

0:25:59 Eli: God, that fucking rules so much.

0:26:01 Thomas: Yeah. So

0:26:01 Tom: And they're they're just like, why'd you run so hard, she's like, because I fucking run fast, what the fuck?

0:26:03 Eli: Oh,

0:26:03 Thomas: Hard. Why did somebody ask that? I didn't see that. Fuck you. Yeah, why do you run so hard? What do you do, your shit so fucking, whatever, but what I love is that you can see a guy who's clearly, you know, me, who's like, like giving it a good try. And you look at what's amazing is you look at that guy. If you look within the next closest guy, which is like, you know, five miles short. Then you look at what he's doing. You're like, that's running. You know, you're like, that's a that's a dude doing the movement of running pretty hard.

0:26:06 Tom: Yeah. Right. Right.

0:26:12 Eli: No. I

0:26:31 Thomas: You're But she goes as fast as a spaceship, just like a rocket. And he's just not moving that fast. It's like, what is happening? It's so crazy.

0:26:36 Tom: Yeah.

0:26:41 Eli: Thought you were talking about the video where the lady from, like, Niger or whatever, some country, like, she was the general's daughter, got to be in the sprint and

0:26:49 Thomas: Oh, no, that'S that's no, no. I don't know that. That's funny.

0:26:50 Tom: No.

0:26:52 Eli: The bet. Look it up, it's incredible because they all they start at this, right, because that moment of like, what, they all start going around the, like, same speed, because professional speed up a bit, they have to sort of catch their and for the first second She's like, I fucking told you guys I was pretty fast. Oh, there they go. She literally does hands on knees at one point and just waves her hand like, go. Just, um, but they can't because you have to make it to the end of the race, so they do like a no, you got to finish the race. She's She's like, fuck, and you watch her sort

0:26:54 Thomas: Oh, I think I know what you're talking about. Yeah. Everyone has to accelerate. Yeah.

0:27:18 Tom: People are

0:27:25 Thomas: Yeah.

0:27:25 Eli: Of like half. She's, like, ah, so tired. It's the best.

0:27:26 Thomas: That's crazy. And

0:27:29 Tom: So fucking dudes are so fucking delusional about what they think they can actually do. It's fucking amazing. When I, when I ride my fucking little boy bike, if I go out and I do like a long ride, I'm very very happy with myself. If like, if I'm like 30 or 40 miles and I'm like, okay, I got like a 15 or 16 mile an hour pace, that's a good ride. That's I'm passing most people, almost

0:27:32 Thomas: 100. Yeah.

0:27:49 Thomas: I I want to say offhand top human sprinting speed in miles per hour is is it like 20, 24, 23, like like like

0:27:51 Tom: Everybody for like a hundred yards for like 100.

0:27:58 Thomas: Yeah. Yeah, for like the record. I'm saying 25, maybe. Maybe it's something like that for like the fastest person in the ever. It's not 30.

0:28:01 Tom: Yeah. People are like, I could

0:28:07 Thomas: I'll tell you that. I know it's not 40. I absolutely know it.

0:28:08 Tom: Outrun that. No, it's nowhere near.

0:28:10 Thomas: Somebody Google it. It's not 30,

0:28:10 Tom: Yeah. Yeah, just ridiculously. I think I, I could, it's like that football thing, it's like, I think I could probably score on that NFL guy. It's Like, you can't you you can fight a gorilla, the fucking German shepherd eats your face every time. You can get past the fucking NFL guy that's

0:28:24 Thomas: Yeah. Jesus.

0:28:19 Eli: Yes, exactly, yeah. Well, mister, I think your jogging plan is falling apart, Tom. For a man who's casting a lot of stones, I think your jogging plan, you're just getting a lot of people tossed around by your hand.

0:28:30 Thomas: Yeah, yeah. I don't think it's a good idea then,

0:28:34 Tom: No, that's why you got to have 20 or 30, is going to grab a few of them, but it's going to get tired throwing those things like you're definitely sacrificing people.

0:28:39 Thomas: But then he eats one and gets their energy and then, uh, but, But I, I think you get in a big circle around it and you roast it for a while, like in a big circle. It can't decide which to go for. One, you can spook an animal. That's the thing is, like, animals are simultaneously death machines that you can't mess with, but then also there's somewhere you're like, well, if you, if you put your coat on your head so that you look a little bigger, then they'll run away and you're like, what, what the fuck is animals? What are you talking about? Yeah.

0:28:43 Eli: That's right. What gorillas crave. Ooh.

0:28:52 Tom: Right. Yeah. Right.

0:29:08 Eli: They'll fuck off, yeah, well, or be killed situation. They're not thought experimenting it. They're like, so what if they're it's like, well, this morning I'll tell you what happened this morning.

0:29:14 Thomas: Yeah. No, they have to make a split second decision. Yeah. Yeah.

0:29:21 Eli: When I was in a kill or be killed situation.

0:29:22 Thomas: And Maybe what we do is we make a hundred-man pyramid. We all get on each other's shoulders.

0:29:29 Eli: And Then the gorilla just worships you. It throws a bone in the air, comes back down.

0:29:32 Thomas: Yeah, we start a gorilla religion. Then we give the other gorillas to sacrifice that gorilla so that we technically won. It's a long -term plan, may was gonna, it's funny, I was gonna ask how many humans do you think we need for the one, like, minimum?

0:29:35 Tom: Okay.

0:29:39 Eli: How many gorillas do you think? The humans have no shot. I

0:29:47 Thomas: Which

0:29:47 Eli: Feel like Tom's number is low. I think Tom is, is in his head and in his heart, and I'm gonna say this and I hope it doesn't hurt your, your feelings, Tom. I think Tom is really working with 50 people in his heart right now. I don't think he's working with the full hundred.

0:29:52 Tom: Nothing. Can What?

0:29:58 Eli: I

0:29:58 Thomas: I think 50 could do It.

0:29:59 Tom: Do you mean you think I think 50

0:30:00 Thomas: I think, yeah, I think 50 could do it, dude.

0:30:00 Tom: Could. I think 50 could do it. Yeah.

0:30:01 Eli: Think you think you do think 50 could do

0:30:03 Thomas: 50 is a lot of people think I mean, just think about in the weight terms, you know?

0:30:03 Eli: It. Exactly.

0:30:08 Thomas: Yeah.

0:30:04 Tom: 50 10,000 pounds of people.

0:30:09 Thomas: 10 ,000 pounds versus six. Ah, that's getting close. That's getting close that.

0:30:11 Eli: 25 25 30 Right.

0:30:15 Thomas: And are we, okay. We stipulate, we have to stipulate the whole time. We're talking people who are fiercely into whatever your game plan is and are going at it. No one's checking out.

0:30:09 Tom: 25 Uh, 25

0:30:23 Eli: No one's chickening out. I'm not there.

0:30:24 Thomas: Yeah. Okay. Yeah, Yeah, no Eli's 25, 25 dedicated with a plan. I think maybe I think maybe we're getting close, though. We're getting closer.

0:30:25 Tom: Could do it. I

0:30:27 Eli: 25 20

0:30:33 Tom: If 25 people try to bum rush a gorilla? No, but like, again, like, it's one thing that gets tired. Like, things just get tired, like, no matter how strong you are, everything gets tired.

0:30:43 Thomas: Well, I also think it's like if you have enough people while the gorilla is brutally killing two of them, someone else can gouge out its eyes from behind like that can happen. It does have eyeballs that you can gouage out. Man, we're going to close. We're going close. I don't know. Consider 20. 20 is still, you ,000 pounds of people, you know, like that's still a lot. But once we get toward like 10, I don't know, man, I dunno.

0:30:43 Tom: Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. 15

0:30:56 Eli: Tom, what

0:31:08 Thomas: I dunno know.

0:31:08 Eli: Do you think 15? Tom, do I hear 15?

0:31:10 Tom: Are they in shape? Are they regular guys?

0:31:11 Eli: No.

0:31:12 Tom: It's like Jim from accounting.

0:31:12 Thomas: I'm say we're saying dedicated gorilla assassins, a top team, gorilla unit, Navy.

0:31:13 Tom: Yeah. 15 could do it. Yeah.

0:31:17 Eli: Not highly trained. Gorillas, okay. Make them, make them Navy SEALs for 15. Make them Navy SEALs.

0:31:22 Thomas: Yeah. Oh, we're going to fight a seal now. Okay. Fuck. We're goingto fight. Not only we're gonna fight a steel, we'RE gonna fight one in the Navy. Jesus Christ, dude. Now you're changing the entire thing. Stick to a civilian gorilla. Gorilla.

0:31:33 Tom: Saying winning, winning is defined by, like, somebody's alive, right? Like Like, one person.

0:31:37 Thomas: Somebody, yeah, that's a good point.

0:31:38 Eli: Right.

0:31:39 Tom: One person.

0:31:39 Thomas: Somebody has to be alive and kill it.

0:31:41 Eli: Right.

0:31:42 Tom: 15.

0:31:42 Eli: 14.

0:31:42 Tom: 15 would be my bottom line number.

0:31:44 Thomas: And it's sort of like the, you know, the end of the hot dog contest, you're at the end of the dog contest where they can't barf for a period of time. You can't die.

0:31:44 Eli: Yeah. You can't die for like 30

0:31:52 Thomas: They have to, everybody watched the last guy.

0:31:53 Eli: Minutes afterwards. I

0:31:46 Tom: No, I don't know. Oh, they got to make it through the afternoon?

0:31:55 Thomas: Yeah.

0:31:55 Tom: No.

0:31:56 Thomas: Everybody, I will say an hour. He has to live an hour, I think.

0:31:58 Tom: I think, yeah, yeah. Again, just because of the sheer wearing them out standpoint. Like I just, everything gets tired, man. It doesn't matter how strong it is.

0:32:04 Eli: Don't think 15 could do it, Tom. I feel

0:32:09 Tom: Everything gets tired.

0:32:09 Eli: Like you're just tired.

0:32:10 Tom: Maybe I'm just tired, Eli Bosnick. Maybe I just want 15 dudes to kick the shit out of me So I can take a nap.

0:32:13 Eli: You know what? I think about it. Yeah. That's

0:32:10 Thomas: Think can't emphasize enough that whenever they do the, like, we'll do a multi-person UFC fight type style fight, if there's two versus one, that's why every movie is fucking stupid. You can't beat more than one person, like, unless the two people are very bad and the one person is like, like, an amazing, like, killer, you just can't, multiple people, it's so hard, because, don't know what that is, but yeah, sure, the raid, what is that, okay,

0:32:35 Tom: Yeah. I

0:32:37 Eli: Why fucking the Raid is such a good movie. You haven't seen The Raid? Oh. The one where they're fighting their way up the building, and at the end the two guys, the two good guys, fight the one bad guy. Oh, it rules. You gotta watch it. It's fucking phenomenal.

0:32:50 Tom: Right.

0:32:49 Thomas: I like it, yeah, but that's the thing, it is like a gorilla, there's still the four cardinal directions of space, and if you have enough people to be dying in front of it, while the people behind it can actually do some eye gouging and some stuff, some serious, you know, dick pulling, whatever is the quickest way way to kill it, then like that will eventually harm the gorilla enough. Like you can gouge out a gorilla's eye. They That is, don't have armored eyeballs, you know?

0:33:12 Tom: Yeah. Yeah, with with one guy and a bit of string and a rod, you can you reel in a great white shark, right? Everything tires up.

0:33:19 Thomas: Okay. I was like, no, no. I'm not going with you on this.

0:33:22 Tom: Everything tires out at some point. You know?

0:33:24 Eli: Tom's got a bit of a string in a rod. I may have overestimated.

0:33:27 Thomas: Paperclip. Yeah.

0:33:27 Tom: I'm going gorilla fishing. I got one! Oh, it's like my mom catching that snapping Oh! She's got it. She's got it. Of

0:33:33 Thomas: Oh yeah.

0:33:31 Eli: Or out any minute now. He

0:33:34 Thomas: I forgot about that. Maybe that's the origin of this, uh, of, of Tom's overconfidence here.

0:33:37 Tom: The mythos.

0:33:38 Eli: Just kind of stand in there holding the string.

0:33:39 Tom: Yeah. Right. Yeah. Oh.

0:33:39 Thomas: Yeah. Okay. How about a hundred dudes versus one Tom though?

0:33:45 Tom: Yeah, I'm letting him win here. We go, get in there, have

0:33:49 Eli: One merciful dude versus one Tom.

0:33:51 Thomas: Yeah. One Dr. Kevorkian versus, is that still a reference? I can't remember.

0:33:52 Eli: Yeah.

0:33:57 Tom: Got beaten up twice by more than one person at a time, and, like, I will concur, you've got no shot, like you've gotten no shot. Yeah.

0:34:02 Eli: That was no fun.

0:34:02 Thomas: No, it's impossible. It's impossible,

0:34:04 Eli: Of the fights I've lost, the ones against multiple people were sort of the scariest and the saddest.

0:34:08 Tom: It's the worst. Yeah. Like

0:34:08 Eli: Yeah.

0:34:08 Thomas: But yeah, you can't do it. It just doesn't work. Not doable.

0:34:11 Tom: I got in a fight with this kid when I was like an early teenager, maybe 13 or 14, and his buddy was there cheering him on, and then his buddy started losing, and so the guy just came up and kicked me in the fucking head, and I was like, well, that sucked, and now I was fighting that guy and his buddy in the sense that I was losing and trying to cover up, and then, like, I got in one of those, you ever get, like in a bully circle, where it's like three guys, they sort of, like have decided you're having a bad day, it's,

0:34:22 Thomas: Yeah, Jesus.

0:34:23 Eli: Yeah.

0:34:32 Thomas: No, I didn't. I lived weirdly compared to this Tom, a somewhat normal life. I've never said that before, but no, I lived a somewhat normal life apparently.

0:34:42 Tom: Eli, you know what I'm talking about though, like you know you're getting your ass beat, like 100%, you're like, this exact, Yeah, you're curling up, you are covering, and you're hoping nobody does, as, like, grown-up damage to you, and thankfully they didn't because I was a teenager so, like they did teenager damage. Yeah.

0:34:42 Eli: Absolutely I 100 Yeah. Of Course.

0:34:43 Thomas: I know what you're talking about, but Jesus, you're just covering your head. Yeah. It's not even, yeah. Well, that we know of emotionally.

0:34:58 Tom: Yeah, try

0:34:56 Eli: Yeah I say the time I got beat up by the most people, I absolutely deserved it. I've told this story before, but it was when I tried to headbutt a bouncer, and all the bouncers were like, oh, okay, we're fighting now. That's, you did, fighting to a bowser I've taught you guys this, this

0:35:12 Tom: To headbutt a bouncer. That's

0:35:13 Thomas: Jesus Christ. Yeah, you did. I didn't remember it was that many people.

0:35:16 Tom: Amazing I just

0:35:17 Eli: I was the main character from the fantasy novel The Name of the Wind, and I was like, here's what worked in the book, look, and this gentleman just stepped backwards, and I was like, you're a ninja. My perfect plan. Wait a second, I gotta tire you out. Here, hold the other end of this string.

0:35:17 Thomas: Oh yeah

0:35:21 Tom: Oh my God

0:35:37 Eli: I I said it on the show when I first told this story, but somewhere someone has that video and it's Alpe Infinite de Bloons. Look,

0:35:43 Thomas: Yeah please write in yeah

0:35:37 Tom: Oh my God it's All that matters is seeing that video.

0:35:47 Thomas: Jesus

0:35:47 Eli: Had to watch myself doing sweet sword moves by myself in a classroom once at a college that I work at this year And that's not the most embarrassing video that probably exists of me.

0:35:53 Thomas: Christ I

0:35:58 Tom: What makes you think, like, why do you guys think so many guys are so insanely overconfident about their personal skills? Like that do

0:36:06 Thomas: Think it's largely overconfidence, but we also can't discount how stupid men are. Like, I think there is a genuine amount of they just don't understand what animals are like. I think if they saw, yeah, I saw a video the other day with, it's at a zoo where they let you do a tug of war with, like, a tiger or something. Have you seen that? There's a dude jacked out of his mind Yeah, oh, there's one, I only saw the one with the one, but I believe it, jacked off his mind, thick as fucking, he's in the steroid Olympics, like his thighs are the size of fucking, I, like, an entire goddamn cow, and he's pulling as hard as he can, as hard, again, the tiger of the line, I can't remember which, is, is barely there.

They're like, like on the phone, they're like, hold on, sorry I'm got, I got one claw on the rope, and I'm kind of, or whatever, they're kind of holding the rope with their teeth, I guess, and they're not, they're not even engaged, they're nicht even trying, and it's, it's not close. Like, the muscles of a fucking animal, it's crazy. I don't get it. Why don't we have better muscle, like, we, I get that we're the tools-thinking-of-stuff people, but like, come on, we should be a little, yeah

0:36:24 Tom: Saw the same thing, the tiger was like, there's like 10 bodybuilders Yeah it doesn't have to be exclusive, right? Like, we

0:37:11 Thomas: Give us a little more, you know, like, God, we fucking sucked, how did we do it, it's amazing yeah

0:37:11 Tom: Could be both I I feel like dudes have been conditioned for such a long time to be like, I can't admit any weakness at all, that even when they're proposed the most insane question, like those UFC fighters that literally, this UFC fighter's like, yeah, I think I could shoot the legs on that gorilla.

0:37:29 Thomas: Well Pretty sure, didn't Mike Tyson want to fight a gorilla? Like, he thought he could. Is, I'm pretty sure that's real. Like, my

0:37:36 Tom: They should have let him, they a hundred percent should have lit him. I do think, like, anybody that's like, I could fight a gorilla, we should just let him. Everybody who's like, we should be like, yeah, that's a great idea man you should be allowed. We will thin the gin pull out

0:37:45 Eli: We should 100 % let them. And

0:37:37 Thomas: I know, I, I think he wanted to yeah I think for ethics for ethics, you should let them see the animal in the ring and give them one last opt-out, like, for ethics be like, hey, are you, you, do you want to just admit you're an idiot and this is stupid? Give them one more chance. And if they're like, no, man, all right, dead five seconds later. Not even, yeah.

0:37:48 Tom: Yeah yeah oh yeah, yep yeah

0:37:55 Eli: One more chance.

0:38:03 Tom: That's it, yep Somebody would have to, like, half the time the girl would be like, I don't really want to do this, like, we're fine, like, we can just be pals, like dude you

0:38:10 Thomas: Dude, they've got fucking claws, too, that, like, are real deep. Like, if we grow out our fingernails to be as threatening as they could possibly be, they're a liability. They're not even, you know, like you try to do something and you break one, and then you're, yeah, then you'RE like, oh, hold on, Mr. Gorilla. Ow, owie, owee. It's a liability, and these fucking things, they'RE razor sharp. They're somehow even your dog, you know, even our dog, like that. I didn't even know dogs had like claws of any imports. Like she'll accidentally scratch the living fuck out of us without even thinking about it. You're like, what is, why, why are they all so much more threatening than we are? I guess the power of ideas is just that powerful. The more, you know, everybody.

0:38:23 Tom: Bend a nail back and you're like you're lying there dead, your face is ripped off, like, yeah, well, write a sonnet asshole

0:38:58 Thomas: Yeah. Yeah. The first, the first person that was like, maybe form a plan. And then that was, was like so powerful that was like, wow, that's unbeatable. So, guerrilla fight

0:39:08 Eli: Commence gorilla fight. Gentlemen, Gentlemen, before we go, why cells like commas and apostrophes? They interrupt periods and they lead to contractions.

0:39:26 Tom: Kind of like that one I'm

0:39:28 Thomas: Okay I like it uh

0:39:34 Clip: Want to meet sexy DILFs in your area? Email thedads at dearolddads .com or better yet, send us a message on Patreon. You can follow us on all social media by checking the links in the show notes. And if you need more podcasts in your life, you can find Tom on Cognitive Dissonance, Thomas on Serious Inquiries Only, and Eli on Godawful Movies and all the Puzzle and the Thunderstorm shows. Dear Old Dads is edited and produced by my favorite DILf, Tom Smith, who also wrote and recorded the intro music, which is used with his permission. This podcast is a production of Daddy Issues, LLC, copyright 2022, all rights reserved.

0:40:22 Thomas: Make monkey sound, the show that, oh like, shut up!

0:40:31 Eli: Wait let me read the exact tweet read nope it's got the n -word in it okay

0:40:36 Thomas: Have I been doing with my life? Goodbye.

0:40:40 Eli: Are the tubes? Where are the sprockets?

0:40:45 Thomas: For the dick! Go for the Dick!

0:40:48 Tom: Dicks off, right? I just want 15 dudes to kick the shit out of me so I can take a nap.