DOD204: A Poopy Pants Mother's Day

Transcript

This transcript was generated automatically and may contain errors — the audio is the record.

0:00:28 Tom: Welcome to Dear Old Dads, the podcast that's getting cuddly with the bros. I'm Tom Curry. I'm joined, as always, by Thomas Smith and Eli Bosnick. Hello, gentlemen. I don't know that you have to ask to cuddle. Like, isn't the cuddle just sort of like a

0:00:37 Thomas: You'd never ask. I think

0:00:44 Eli: Gotta ask to cuddle That's important. Yeah.

0:00:45 Tom: Really, really?

0:00:45 Thomas: So Yeah, have you been cuddling people without asking, Tom? Maybe don't say you're already canceled for that raisin incident. Um, I guess at a certain point he becomes uncancelable, you know, if just everything every just, you know, goes it on a comedy tour, can't be canceled.

0:00:49 Tom: A cuddle without consent guy. Yeah. You just

0:01:01 Eli: New special is called Triggered. Yeah.

0:01:02 Thomas: Yeah. Yeah.

0:01:06 Tom: I'm the, uh, podcast version of Mr. Burns. Like, it's so much canceling that it just cancels itself out at a certain point, like, it's a perfect equilibrium of. Yeah.

0:01:12 Eli: True.

0:01:10 Thomas: This Way too niche, but there's this guy who's, like, a skeptic guy that I for some reason face on with on Facebook, who's doing, like, the anti-woke stuff from 20, you know, 13. And at this point, it's just funny and pathetic to me. Like, I actually, I'll comment on almost every one of his posts where he'll be like, "Yeah, the anti-woke can't even take." And I'm just like, this is, what year is it? Like every time, like what year's it? What year is this? Like, is this really? And like, I'm not even mad. It's just funny and pathetic. Like people are still, but like being a band and playing the last decade's music, I guess. Not covers, but just like copying kind of. It just doesn't work. It's Just Weird.

0:01:51 Eli: Right. It is fun when someone's trapped in that, in the, like, 2013 version of anti-woke, where they're like, "Look, Democrats and Republicans are doing the same thing," and kids these days are getting crazy. Oh, what's? He lit it all on fire, the whole baseball field Uh, look, I don't agree with Trump's choice to light that peewee baseball field on fire with all those kids on it, but you know what else I don't like? Safe spaces. That fucking rules, man. Good for you though, like good Good for you. And Ned, imagine the ignorance you have to have about all lived experience in the last decade to still be talking about safe spaces and trigger warnings.

0:02:03 Thomas: Yeah. Yeah.

0:02:10 Tom: Oh, my God.

0:02:21 Thomas: Yeah pretty much exactly yeah I know I'm like yeah

0:02:38 Tom: For real.

0:02:40 Eli: To check back in on the people who were supposed to be reasonable. Right. Do you remember, Thomas? I don't know if you remember this, because the bad times have blocked out all the times. But when we first started talking about Brett Weinstein, there was a fair amount of pushback from people being like, "Hey, Brett's the good guy."

0:02:57 Tom: What?

0:02:58 Eli: He

0:02:55 Thomas: And yeah. Oh, I talk about this all the time. I was, I was really early on that guy.

0:02:59 Eli: Was in a he was in a bad situation, and, like, he was unfairly treated. And I'm not sure what he's up to these days, but, like, I think we can all agree it started out pretty rough on old Brett. And you're like, "Hey, do me a favor, just pop on over to Brett's YouTube channel and just see what he's saying." He's like, "Lizard Jews." And you're like, "Yeah, they always end at lizard never

0:03:10 Thomas: Yeah. You should check out his YouTube. Every time there's never been a guy like that, that we were wrong about like ever. There's never been a guide. It only ever starts out. Like they kind of have the mask on a little bit where they're like, you know, they're trying to seem reasonable. And then you check in now, and it's, yeah, it's lizard juice, and it's, there's, oh

0:03:25 Eli: Ever not once. I was was telling this to a buddy the other day, and it was not a good point he was, because he was talking about, uh, Gavin Newsom and Gavin Newson's new podcast, uh, Maybe I'm Right Wing Now, right? And he was like, "Hey, I think, like, this is him reaching across the aisle. Like, I do not think he is a conservative, and, like, I don't think he has said anything particularly egregious so far." Also, this was weeks ago, so if he since said, like, he wants to kill all the Chinese people Okay.

0:03:40 Thomas: Yeah. Guy Definitely not a conservative No, no, he's

0:04:00 Eli: I just I'm saying that because if this has come out and since then Gavin Newsom's been like, "What's up, Hitler fuckers?" I don' want to be like, my friend said, "Gavin Newsome, fucking run." But he was basically making the argument that, like, maybe we should hear Gavin Newsum out, maybe he's got some reasonable points to make. And my terrible point in return was, no one who has ever attempted subtlety has turned out not to be a Nazi. And my batting average on that is a thousand is one perfect thousand. No one's ever gone, "Well, let's consider this," and then six months later has it been like that

0:04:00 Thomas: Not a conservator True. Hey,

0:04:34 Eli: Was a pretty cool dude because

0:04:37 Thomas: Why'd you do your Tom voice for that? I feel like that's an attack.

0:04:39 Eli: I Tom is the bomb that hasn't gone off but he, like kill

0:04:41 Tom: Because Well There's

0:04:39 Thomas: No, He just thinks that's what's gonna get, that dude is just a computer to do whatever he thinks will get him elected. That's all he is. And he thinks after this election that there's some bipartisan, like, thing that he's gonna pull off. I, he's not a Nazi, but he's also amoral. It doesn't fucking matter, you know. No

0:04:56 Tom: But Bipartisan isn't even a word that makes sense anymore. Like, I did you even know what bipartisan means now? Like, what, what the fuck is bipartisan? We can't bipartisanly agree we want daylight savings time. Bipartisan is nothing, that's just sounds that your mouth can make.

0:05:02 Thomas: Yeah.

0:05:13 Eli: Some of the brown people. No, that can't possibly be the compromise.

0:05:16 Tom: Literally can't think of a single bipartisan thing. Like, I don't know that idea is a bad idea

0:05:21 Thomas: It's nothing. Yeah.

0:05:18 Eli: Right? What And all the stuff that's supposed to be bipartisan isn't actually, right? Like, it's like the American worker wants better pay and to take care of their family, and I'm like, yeah, but, like, half of the American, well, more than half, more than half the American workers are like, "The Jews are are using lasers, then that's why the eggs are expensive." So like, it's not actually a bipartisan issue if we agree that income is too low, but you think the solution is for God, sword mouth Jesus to arrive on the Mount. And I think the situation is for billionaires to pay taxes.

0:05:48 Thomas: I know It's so frustrating reading.

0:05:56 Eli: Hey, this is a parenting show guys.

0:05:56 Thomas: What show is this? Yeah.

0:05:57 Tom: Yeah.

0:05:57 Eli: This is a parent thing show.

0:05:58 Tom: I know, I'm

0:05:58 Thomas: Look, sorry. I got a lot of neck pain. I'm on, I'm on a lot.

0:06:00 Tom: Trying not to get too deep into it. I'm trying not get too deep into it.

0:06:02 Thomas: Yeah.

0:06:02 Eli: The parenting show. And the, the The thing, right, and the only thing worse than the pain in Thomas and Tom's neck, respectively, is the auto ads. Yes, the auto ads.

0:06:03 Thomas: On a lot pain meds for my neck. I've got a mosquito bite on it. Brett Weinstein of podcasts.

0:06:15 Eli: Brett Weinstein of podcasts. If your auto ads are conservative, psychopathic talking points. But they also might be Verizon ads, so, you know, whatever that is. But you can make those go away over at patreon.com forward slash dear old dads, where, for as little as a dollar, you get a commercial-free version of every show. You get an extended version with a little bonus at the end, a little parenting story, and you get our monthly bonus episodes posted whenever the Smiths fucking get around to it over at patreon.com forward slash dear old dads. Like COVID into the Smith family dynamic, rip into it.

0:06:54 Thomas: Poopy pants boys unite. We need to, Eli Poopy pants boy, where's my pooper pants boy at? I did Horrible for Mother's Day absolutely shit

0:06:58 Eli: Did pretty great this year. I did preeety, I did pretty great. I so I I'm riding the high of Anna's solo week in Ireland so I sort of I got the transference thing, which is cool because that's a birthday uh Day twofer is what I got out of that one, but it was soon enough that it was like, okay, this is the thing, but yeah, I I did the

0:07:11 Thomas: Ah, oh

0:07:24 Tom: Wait, so you mean you got to like count that as a gift, is that what you mean

0:07:26 Thomas: Right

0:07:26 Eli: Exactly Yeah, and and then of course I did flowers, which I always do, right, had the flowers deliver

0:07:29 Tom: Yeah

0:07:27 Thomas: Grand grandmother did in sure I did Flowers But they're from a sponsor, so it doesn't count, that's all, I did, I Don't even, I didn't even try, I don't even try, I'm like, yeah, I picked these out, I had Phoebe help pick them out, but it doesn't fucking, it's nothing

0:07:36 Eli: Oh Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Right. Yeah, no. And so once, once they see that fucking aura frame on the box, they're like, no, right.

0:07:45 Thomas: Yeah They Look Beautiful It's, but it's irrelevant, doesn't matter, it's completely meaningless

0:07:50 Eli: I know what coupon code you use to get those. Yeah um, yeah, that's, what that's we did. But then, and I'm going to talk about this in a second, then like the poopy pants husband we know that I am, I left for actual Mother's Day weekend for a board game convention. So, and we celebrated on Monday. We went and got massages and then we went and got brunch, but for actual Mother's Day I was off playing board game with my friends, so yeah you

0:07:51 Tom: Oh my God Oh

0:08:06 Thomas: Okay. Okay. Now we're talking.

0:08:14 Tom: Really, wow, that

0:08:17 Thomas: Just realized I did in the end. I was like, okay, I poop pants boy suck for mother's day. I can't do anything too busy. And then I was like, all right, you take, you just go, you just go. I'll watch the kids. You just go that's the ultimate gift we can get.

0:08:29 Eli: Just go is a pretty great gift, yeah

0:08:30 Thomas: Yeah.

0:08:30 Tom: Is a good gift, yeah, well assuming they come back if they, if they don't come back maybe you just let it

0:08:31 Eli: Mm -hmm

0:08:31 Thomas: And especially weekends are hell for us with the kids, their apps. No, that's option. I think that's part of it. You know, you gotta be a sense. If you love something, set it free. Yeah, it's It's like she has the option to not come back, but, I, poop pants boy. And then I realized, oh shit, that's, that's not enough things. And thenI, booked I her a massage and she got a nice massage and it felt like a giant sacrifice given how shitty the kids were that day. So, you know, I just sit there and be like, I did the bare minimum and it feels like I did so fucking much and I have to deal with that stupid feeling.

0:08:40 Tom: Go, right Yeah Right Yeah Yeah

0:08:41 Eli: It free Mm -hm Yeah Well

0:09:02 Tom: Can we talk about how difficult it is to get the goddamn kids on board with shit like Mother's Day, and actually, like, our kids are old enough now where I feel like, you know, maybe not aiming, but like Aislinn's 14, you know, and like Donovan is 18, and for Mother's Day, like I had to remind them that it was Mother's Day, you know, I had a time like, hey, Mother's Day is coming up this weekend. Make sure to do something for your mom, at least get her a card, something like that. And so I will remind you.

0:09:22 Thomas: Sure. Sure. Tom, can you remind me next time? No, it doesn't matter. No, it

0:09:32 Tom: I got you, buddy. I got you.

0:09:32 Thomas: doesn'T matter. The only reason, The true story: the only reason I know Mother's Day is coming is that I happened to get a sponsor that did an ad read that was like, "Mother's Day is coming." That's it. It's Literally the only way that's otherwise, how would I know? It's a random date. Every, every time it's, is a random date they pick the night before. I don't know how they do it, but that's what it is. It

0:09:41 Eli: Or A freemium Yeah.

0:09:53 Tom: Well, it's not like Easter where it's like a bizarre lunar calendar. You could always just, like, Google it, you know?

0:09:57 Thomas: No. You can't, you would have to remember that the holidays exist sometime before they do it when is day do things no.

0:10:01 Tom: Okay, yeah, that's fair. It's not like we could predict next year's, for example,

0:10:01 Eli: It's actually not possible. When's he gonna Google it? Now Tom? Tom. Yeah.

0:10:13 Thomas: It's impossible, can't

0:10:13 Eli: Tom.

0:10:13 Tom: Put it in your phone ahead of time. Yeah, so

0:10:15 Thomas: Be done.

0:10:15 Eli: No. So Tom, that's how I track birthdays is I have a reminder two weeks before someone's birthday and then one week before someone'S birthday. But I can't do that for every major holiday, Tom, I can'T be fucking getting notifications that Arbor Day is just a hey month away.

0:10:16 Thomas: Oh, it's smart. Stupid.

0:10:21 Tom: Have time to get the gift, right?

0:10:32 Eli: I need to fucking.

0:10:32 Tom: Look, flag Flag, you've got to track Flag Day at the very least. I mean, obviously, important holidays are important holidays. You got to know when those things are coming out. But kids, the I was so annoyed because I told them ahead of time. Again, these are like teenagers. Donovan is 18. He's in college. He'll be 19 in like five minutes. And they wait until the last minute to do anything, like literally the last minute. They're with their dad this weekend. So they called me Sunday at like 11 a.m., like 11 a.m., because they're gonna come home at like one o'clock in the afternoon and they're at the fucking Target or whatever and they'll be like, "Oh, you know, everything is like picked clean." It's like, what's picked clean? Because it's literally the fucking late morning on the day of the holiday. Just like it may, like, gift giving it makes me crazy dude.

0:10:34 Thomas: Yeah. Yeah.

0:10:37 Eli: Hmm.

0:11:11 Thomas: Tom, might there be some ADHD involved with this, because I'm seeing a common ingredient, gradient.

0:11:22 Tom: Maybe May, it makes me crazy though, because like, and I don't want to shit on them too bad because I love the kids, but, but they are good gift givers when it's their girlfriends, right? Like, Donovan's a good gift -giver when it says girlfriend. He's a gift -giving guy. He's good gift give

0:11:32 Eli: Exactly.

0:11:35 Thomas: He's got a date. His mom, okay, have Heath, um, give him some pointers.

0:11:36 Tom: -er. Yeah.

0:11:40 Eli: Forget Your typewriter. Typewriter, never forget your typewriter. Is such a foundational moment for me. I I talk about this all the time. So I have a friend whose mom is a stenographer and she's been a pretty bad mom to my buddy, uh, she has ADD, she has AD, she has old people ADD, which is like, it's not diagnosed, but like we can all in retrospect go, "That's ADD," right? And we were talking once and she had just done some horrible, careless, thoughtless, mean-spirited, shitty thing and was like, "Yeah, it's the ADD." And I was like, "No, I think she doesn't care." And he was

0:11:42 Thomas: What what is that okay?

0:11:46 Tom: Forget your typewriter?

0:11:57 Thomas: It's like my mom, yeah."

0:12:04 Tom: Right.

0:12:18 Thomas: Yeah.

0:12:18 Eli: Like, "No, no, you don't understand," and he's doing all the fucking Tumblr TikTok ADD means that when you see a pencil you have to eat a chocolate pie. And I was like, "Has she ever forgot her typewriter?" He was like, and he like, "Well, well, no, I guess not." And I was like, "Do you know why? She fucking cares about her typewriter." It's literally the thing I say all the time.

0:12:33 Tom: I remember you telling this story. Yeah. Yeah.

0:12:33 Thomas: Yeah.

0:12:44 Tom: Yeah.

0:12:44 Eli: And I'll tell you, when you have someone in your life with severe ADD and you go, "Have you ever forgotten your typewriter?" They're like, "Fuck yeah, I've forgotten my typewriter! My typewriter got ran over by a train because I left it on the tracks halfway through doing a gravity test." That occurred to me while I was waiting.

0:12:57 Thomas: Well, I always wait until the day after Mother's Day because then all the Mother's Day candy is like way cheaper.

0:13:09 Tom: It's like 70 % off.

0:13:09 Eli: So cheap.

0:13:10 Tom: Yeah. I just

0:13:10 Thomas: Yeah, so

0:13:10 Eli: Yeah, no. That's a good move. Move always a smart move.

0:13:11 Thomas: It's actually a smart move. Okay,

0:13:14 Eli: Yeah, of course.

0:13:15 Tom: Don't know, like, how to get the kids to give us, because it hurts feelings. Like, I will say

0:13:18 Eli: Everything's

0:13:18 Tom: Like, you know. Yeah. Like, when they look, man, these are not little kids. When they're little kids, it's like, yeah, you're doing that work for them. These are people that drive cars, you know? In Donovan's case, these are the people who have, like, lives. They, like I said, they buy presents for other people in their lives, but when it comes to, like, and Mother's Day and things like that, they just, like, they're like, yeah, whatever. Like, I just fucking skip it. Like, it's, it they'll be like, like, it's enough to just be like, yeah, it does suck. Like, don't want them to grow grow up into unappreciative people, who, you know, I know we have a lot of listeners like, ah, it's a Hallmark holiday. Like, it doesn't like in my mind, that doesn't matter.

0:13:19 Thomas: Oh, Oh, right.

0:13:40 Thomas: That kind of sucks.

0:13:50 Eli: A Hallmark holiday.

0:13:50 Tom: That's meaningless. It's just, that's fucking noises again. It's like saying bipartisan, like it's fucking noise. Stop saying that. Like, it matters to people.

0:13:51 Eli: It's all but

0:13:57 Thomas: Got you some bipartisan shit for Mother's Day.

0:14:01 Tom: I'm on the one end of the extreme as far as, like, how much I care about gift giving. I'm not saying everyone has to do that, but I am saying, like, does hurt feelings to have a day scheduled for, like, Mother's Day or a birthday and have, like, the kids be like, yeah, I didn't pay attention to it, but, you know, when my girlfriend's birthday comes around, I bought her a computer yeah, because it's exactly what you said, man. It's like, hey, you remembered your typewriter, you know? Like, that shit does suck. Like, that, that shit isn't, like, cash money, and I don't really know, know how to, like, short of just, like, pulling them aside and, like, giving them, like, hard grief, which is, I think, what's got to happen at some point, and be like, hey, I'm, you, you got to do better. Like, you need to do butter, because showing up at the fucking Target 30 minutes before you're coming home and wondering why the place is ravaged by bears and you can't find anything, like, that's not good enough. Like,

0:14:18 Eli: And I make out on Thursdays. So yeah.

0:14:50 Tom: It's bad. Like, this is somebody who's dedicated their life to, like, caring for and loving you. You could spend, like, half or a third or a tenth of the time that you, you would spend on your fucking buddy, you know, or your girlfriend, right?

0:15:02 Eli: Well, and the other thing is, it is hard to convey to a kid, it is hard to be your mom without them hearing you bad or you are not worthwhile, right? Lovable children are still really hard. They don't have a gratitude matrix, because good moms, Haley included, don't wake up every morning and be like, hey, wake up, little Jaislyn, or whatever the fuck your name is. Just so you know, from the age of two to the age of seven was like a really scary, horrible race, with like a little creature that hated me. So just be nice to me when you get a chance. Just remember to be nice, right? You can't do that. Then you fuck them up and then you're not a good mom, right. It's the opposite of the thing.

0:15:10 Thomas: Yeah.

0:15:28 Tom: Yeah, right.

0:15:44 Eli: As they grow into healthy, developed people, right, and you tell them you love them and you tell them that you appreciate them and tell them how excited you are to be their parent, all of which is true, right, also need the implication of, and by the way, from the age of about three and a half to four and a half, every time you didn't want to do something, you scratched me across the eyes like a D and D monster. So I

0:16:04 Tom: Yeah. So, like, a little, a little thought, a little effort, a little appreciation goes along. I feel like as dads, like, we're doing all the work of, and, like, moms too, like, Hayley makes my Father's Day work, work, right? Like, it if was just the kids making my Father's day for me, if, if, but, like, always, I get my dad something for Father's Day. I always get, like, Lynn, my, my effectively my stepmom, like, this last week has not been my best week. I've been, like, in a hell of a lot of pain and discomfort.

0:16:17 Thomas: For your dad. Oh.

0:16:30 Thomas: I love that. Tom is bedridden and did more for Mother'S Day than I did, guaranteed. Not even, not even. Tom, we don't even need to tally it up. We don't need to keep score. You win.

0:16:41 Tom: I don't know about that.

0:16:42 Thomas: I resign.

0:16:42 Tom: But I, I did remember to send my step mom flowers, you know? I'm like, oh oh, shit. Like, I got her. I sent her something in the mail.

0:16:48 Thomas: Didn't even remember to have a stepmom. That's how, that's how far ahead

0:16:50 Eli: Sent my mom flowers. I did because I just, so I used one 800 flowers and one 800 flowers.

0:16:57 Thomas: The sponsor that I got the flowers from they're good.

0:16:58 Eli: Hey, yeah. Every time something opens up, right. Every time there's a holiday, 1 -800 -Flowers does it for you. They're like, hey, Christmas is coming up.

0:17:06 Thomas: It's the best. They're not a sponsor of this show, by the way. Just this is just a, there isn't a bit like this. Good I

0:17:09 Eli: Christmas flower? They're not. No. But

0:17:12 Tom: I use books.

0:17:12 Eli: It's one of your shows.

0:17:13 Tom: I like books.

0:17:14 Eli: Liked Boox back in the day. Can I tell you the one issue I have with Boox?

0:17:16 Thomas: Like books back when they sponsored us once, but now that it's 1-800-Flowers, I like that one

0:17:19 Eli: Yeah. I'll tell you my issue with BooX. Just a little inside baseball on an online order of flowers.

0:17:23 Tom: Right. Yeah. I'll just say I've had really good experiences. So I'm curious.

0:17:27 Eli: Yeah. The Boox bouquets are nicer. But when 1-800-Flowers says those flowers are going to be our fucking Thursday, they're there on god damn, they take a guy and they put him in a car and he drives him to your house on Thursday. I had like two years in a row where Boox was like, "Is next Wednesday okay?" And I was like, "Fuck no, Boox." Yeah

0:17:49 Tom: Really? I have the subscription for years now. I've been doing this for years. I've got the subscription service for books. I get I have subscribed to any Haley flowers like at least once a month.

0:17:58 Eli: Fresh flowers for Haley every morning god fuck you

0:18:00 Thomas: Day yeah daily flowers

0:18:02 Tom: It's just nice, I just think it's nice, you know, like is why my neck tried to break itself, it, it hurts so much but like

0:18:04 Eli: Why your neck tried to break itself my flowers I got your flowers cause it's a Wednesday die.

0:18:12 Tom: It's, it's, it's like it's not, it's a, it's nice, everybody likes that, it feels good, but like, yeah, I've not, I've not had any, any problems with them as a flower company. I use them like, I, and then I send flowers to my stepmom basically, but I was frustrated this Mother's Day, and I can't say too much about it because it didn't happen, I'm gonna have to use the gift for something else, but I a huge amount of time and energy into a gift for Hayley that was supposed to originally have been for Valentine's Day and then it is not, it's quite, quite a lot more work than that, this, I, this, I gift put together, and then I had to hire somebody to help me with the, the back end of it. When I give it to her, I'll tell you, I'll show you guys what it was, but I hire somebody, help me like kind of put it all together, an artist to do it

0:18:35 Eli: A customized Magic the Gathering card.

0:18:51 Thomas: It's definitely Imagine the Gathering card

0:18:52 Eli: It's a Magic theathering card, he's so mad right now because of how good I got him.

0:18:53 Tom: Not a matter in the other regard it's not and then the, the artist dropped the ball for, uh, Valentine's day, and I'm like, "Oh, that's all right, we'll figure it out," like was like, I got an anniversary coming up in April, we can do that, um, the ball, and then I'm like, "All right, well, if we can do it for birthday in May, you know, I can do that." Drop the ball. I'm like, "If we do it for Mother's Day." Drop the ball. So now it's like, well, now it's for Christmas, now it is like it's wrapped all the, the way around to Christmas, so I had to, I had a punt and I got her a, uh, a personal wallet, so

0:18:59 Thomas: Yeah they a big release coming out of that, you know, oh my god 2028 yeah

0:19:21 Eli: Hey Tom, have you ever asked an AI art generator for some art and it hasn't made it? Has that

0:19:31 Tom: No well, this is, no, this is quite a bit more than just like a piece of art so

0:19:31 Eli: Ever happened? You ever Put something into Midjourney and then two weeks later you get an email about how it's been a really rough month for MidjourNEY? No? That's never happened? Huh, that's crazy.

0:19:42 Tom: Well, well, I will, with, I don't want to spoil it because she's going to listen to the show, but like, I did try originally to use AI to work on the project that I have and it was horrible, like everything that came out was like terrible it

0:19:51 Thomas: To be my wife, no

0:19:56 Eli: Art is terrible. It's just consistent, that's the thing about AI art until you've been fucked as hard on Fiverr and Upwork as I have, it's still possible to feel like human artists are the best way to go, but the ninth or tenth time someone takes your deposit and disappears for what can only be described as a Christian crusade, you start I think I know why people might be using Mr. Waterhog computer.

0:19:59 Tom: Was ah it was consistently just wretched I was like, this isn't a thing for

0:20:06 Thomas: Yeah, oh

0:20:19 Tom: Real man dude you're not, this is a sizable deposit that I, it's like the like

0:20:28 Eli: Yeah, baby. The bigger the deposit, the longer the departure, my friend.

0:20:33 Tom: Have to edit this out, but I'll tell you, like, I, I, I then I had, I commissioned a pop

0:20:41 Thomas: Wow I'm so mad we can't use this, oh you dying, oh no, this is a normal holiday day thing, you do

0:20:47 Eli: Is a normal Tom thing, yeah.

0:20:47 Thomas: Yeah sorry, this would be if I was dying Tom

0:20:49 Tom: Was for, for Valentine's day though this was awesome it's

0:20:51 Eli: Listener, you missed it, but it's a really nice gift that the human he's depending on will never do, and it's just perfect. It's

0:20:58 Thomas: It's not happening, listener how do we break it to Tom that his money is gone? It was a very nice idea, very nice

0:21:04 Eli: Know what Tom basically did? Tom took a big bag cash, and he handed it to someone in the park, and he said, will you come back in a week and bring me some? And the guy went, uh -huh. And Tom went, okay, but it's for someone I love. And the other person went, oh, yeah, for sure. Mm -hmm. Should we exchange numbers? No, I'll find you right here.

0:21:26 Thomas: Possible, this really banked on Tom just croaking. Like it was just took, took a look at Tom in general. It was just like, this fucker is going to be dead any minute. Like, yeah. Oh, oh, I've got your gift. Oh, I'm so close.

0:21:30 Eli: Sure. They listened to the show, and they were like, there's no way. Yeah.

0:21:30 Tom: But god uh Yeah, oh yeah.

0:21:38 Thomas: Oh, it's beautiful.

0:21:39 Tom: God.

0:21:39 Eli: Sure You don't want a sip of water? Her, yeah, I'll see you in a couple weeks.

0:21:41 Tom: It's so Frustrating. Training, if doesn't have it for Christmas, I, I'm suing her. I'm suing this person. That I worked on

0:21:43 Thomas: Oh,

0:21:47 Eli: We're not we're not. Hey, Tom, as someone who's been there, as someone whose been there and is waiting for things for my wife literally more than a year at this point.

0:21:48 Tom: No. I'm not suing oh. God.

0:21:55 Eli: You know what we're doing we're sending a message on Upwork every three months that's like, "Hey, just following up on this," to no fucking response. That's what we are doing. We're sending a message because we picture a struggling artist against the, I bet her cat died in a fire that also burned her hands off and I don't want to be the insensitive bastard. Meanwhile, they're just eating chips on the couch, watching Severance for the second time. Alright. I was suppose to do something for that guy, right? I forgot.

0:21:55 Thomas: Me too, everybody. That's why I just like so many things, man.

0:22:27 Tom: I don't think you're wrong. They don't.

0:22:29 Eli: They don't care about us, Tom.

0:22:32 Tom: They don't.

0:22:32 Eli: They don' care about You know what we'll tell you that cares about you? You know who we'll care you to? ChachiBT. ChachiBT will be your girlfriend right now. You take out your phone, you're my girlfriend, yes and.

0:22:36 Tom: Yeah. I fucking I can't even Right.

0:22:46 Thomas: So my kids are still small enough to I'm sure Max is, it's still small enough to where the school and the daycare and all that is in charge of holidays, which is phenomenal. I need that in my life because often this time it was the sponsor. A lot of other times it'll be kid bring something home and I'm like, oh, that's beautiful. What is it? They're like, it's mother's day, you know, or whatever. And I'll be like, yeah, yeah, I, uh, testing you. I knew that a hundred percent. Duh.

0:23:08 Eli: Obviously. Yeah.

0:23:11 Thomas: And so that's great.

0:23:10 Tom: Why every gift a turkey drawn like a hand? Why is every holiday it's just a hand turkey? I don't know.

0:23:14 Eli: Yeah.

0:23:16 Thomas: Yeah. And So, so here's what happened. And I actually, here's happened. And what's funny is I have like a small amount of pride in that I recognized this thing, which is going to be so pathetic and stupid to you guys, which I can't, it's totally fine. But in my heart, I feel a little bit of pride that I recognize this because on fucking, I don't know, Wednesday last week or something, Arlo just, this happens all the time. They come home from school and they have a thing. A thing, you know, it could be a drawing they did, could be whatever. Every day it's great. I, a lot with Phoebe, it's pretty much every day. With Arlo, it's like once a week. Point is, he's got some stuff, he's like, "Oh, I want to show you my thing." "Oh, great, cool, buddy, awesome." And he, uh, shows me, he's like, "Dad, I made this for you and Mom." And I see it and it's like laminated, so I'm like, "Oh, okay, this was a more official craft." This was, it like the, this, this wasn't just like he did a drawing,

0:23:17 Eli: You have the turkey to my heart, mom.

0:24:13 Thomas: You know, excuse

0:24:13 Eli: Right.

0:24:13 Tom: They don't break out that laminator in arts and crafts just willy- nilly. Like, it's got to reach a certain level. Right, yeah.

0:24:16 Eli: Yeah. Exactly. Right.

0:24:16 Thomas: Yeah. This, this means he, this was a planned thing by the school. It doesn't, it means it wasn't like he just drew me a thing or wrote a book or did a whatever. And so I was like, oh, that's so neat for me and mom. Huh? And I see this thing and, and somehow my brain and I, I'm so proud of myself about this. Somehow my brain was like wait a minute. Buddy, are you sure this isn't just for mom? And he's like, no, it's for both of you. I was, like, okay, okay. And you can see that it says like to mom, like and dad was written like, you know, around it in a shitty way.

0:24:19 Tom: Yeah. Right, yep.

0:24:23 Eli: Right.

0:24:46 Eli: Over the laminate Right.

0:24:47 Thomas: Yeah, exactly. Pretty much. And I was like, OK, buddy. Cool. He's like, yeah, I want it to be. I want to be for both of you. And so I get. Lydia comes home, I guess he had shown her already because I was like, oh, should we hide it for the thing that's definitely just for mom? But no, it's also for me now. And he's like. No, we don't have to hide it because he's, you know, he's on the spectrum. From, he doesn't care about that kind of thing. I was like, no, it's fine, I just wanted to show you. I'm like, all right.

0:24:47 Eli: Yeah. Right.

0:25:07 Tom: Yeah, right.

0:25:08 Eli: You can throw it in the garbage if you want, I don't fucking care. This been so long without a Nintendo Switch, get the fuck out of my way. Whoa

0:25:10 Thomas: Yeah. I don't give a fuck, and so, but, and It's, it's super sweet. He has a couple things like, yeah, I just want to be for both of you. It's like, okay, that's cute, whatever. And then so Lydia, Lydia finally comes home and we talk about it, and she's like, yeah, she's already laughing, she's, yeah, did he show you the thing you made for us? I was like, yeah. And she tells me that this. The following interaction took place where she, said, okay, here's the thing. Made it for and dad. And then I think she kind of did the same thing. I was like, oh, are you, but it, was it for Mother's Day though? You know, trying to kind of, and he's like, yeah, but I just, I just wanted it. I love dad. And I just want it to be for dad.

0:25:33 Tom: Oh.

0:25:54 Thomas: And she was like, really, but it's, but he's not. But it's Mother's Day. And he's like, yeah. But there's no Father's Day So He already did, like, the Wins the International Men's Day, like my kid intuited Wins International Men Day. He's like, there's, confidently, there's no Father's Day though. And she's like, well, there is though. There is Father's Day and

0:26:00 Tom: For real Yeah.

0:26:00 Eli: Right. Right. There

0:26:08 Tom: There is definitely a Father's Day, yeah

0:26:14 Eli: Is we've definitely celebrated it while you were sentient. That's

0:26:15 Tom: Yeah. Do you think do you think we would allow there to be a Mother's Day without a Father's Day in America, are you kidding me

0:26:17 Thomas: He's like yeah cuz women control everything. The misandry of whatever. But It was like, yeah, but, but I just love dad. And I just wanted to also be for dad. It's so fucking funny. My own kid invented Wynn's International Men's Day, essentially. And I got a gift for Mother's Day. So my Mother's day was great, everybody. And it's just so funny because Arlo, again, he's, look, I, I paid my dues. There was a solid year or two where Arlo would have nothing to do with me because he's always, always been the type of fellow where the thing he likes one percent better is the only thing he cares about. So, like, between

0:26:23 Tom: Right. Oh, My god. That's

0:26:25 Eli: Right. Amazing. Hell yeah Yeah.

0:26:40 Tom: Fucking amazing Did you give, give yourself a massage and you're

0:26:59 Thomas: Mom and dad for a while I was useless meat to him. I wouldn't, to the point where I've told the story before, it's one of my favorite things to remember, I couldn't even say fucking good night to the kid. We then we'd be putting them both to bed and I'd get some nice, like, Phoebe snuggles and stuff

0:27:12 Tom: Like fucking good night, and he's like, dad, can we not do it that way. That's rough.

0:27:15 Thomas: No, he'd have to be in mom's arms arms, and then I'd be like, okay, as I'm going, you know, as I'm leaving and you're going to bed, I just want a little hug and a smooch, you know, just a little. Because he's a base a year or something, or no, what's, what's, what's baby, baby ages? He's probably, yeah, less than a year. They're still pretty small. It was still, he's still in a crib until like two. Yeah.

0:27:33 Eli: A smallish Yeah.

0:27:34 Thomas: So it was when he was in a crib is when I remember it. So I was like probably up to I don't know, maybe around two years and I try to give him a kiss and he go like he'd avoid me. He'd be be like, no. And he'd go into the point where the only thing that solved it was I got so tired of this happening every night, every night that every time I'd be like okay buddy and he'd anticipate and be like dude, we do this every night. I just want to hug the kids. That's all I want. And so then what I started doing was I invented a song where I was just like we do this every day. And I started singing a silly song and then he got into that. And then he's He's like, now he just wants this. He doesn't care about me still, but he wanted the like, we do this every night song.

0:27:44 Eli: Mm -hmm Yeah. Right.

0:28:13 Thomas: Yeah.

0:28:12 Eli: And Yeah.

0:28:13 Thomas: And I was like, oh, that's brilliant. Now I've unlocked a way to get a little like, you know, affection from my son who does not care if I live or die at this point. So I'm just saying I paid my dues. But now that I'm the source of all things Nintendo, he, it's sad how much, like, he'll be like, love dad. She's like, yeah. Do you, do you love me? Me, and he'll be like, sometimes he literally said that, he's like, sometimes Yeah.

0:28:12 Tom: Wants a song Oh,

0:28:20 Eli: Yeah.

0:28:34 Tom: Shit on occasion. Yeah. When you have the Nintendo, like, when dad's out, you know I, God

0:28:40 Eli: Sometimes you have the Nintendo. That's rare, but it happens. Yeah.

0:28:44 Tom: Damn.

0:28:42 Thomas: And I just, I had to tell him, like, dude, no. Yeah, that's, that's unacceptable, but it's still funny. It's so funny to have, like, a, I have, like, little, like, stalker in my house. Like, he, he loves me so much because it's fucking Nintendo. He'll just be like, dad, I just love you so much. I'll be, be like, yeah, I know, dude, I play Nintendo. I get it. Uh So that was my Mother's Day

0:29:00 Tom: Also apropos of nothing. Uh, Nintendo I don't know Nintendo. Yeah I

0:29:05 Eli: Yeah. Everyone tells me that, like, six to ten is the best years because they still love you the most, but they're enough of a person that they have, like, a personality. I'm

0:29:17 Thomas: Yeah.

0:29:17 Tom: Love that age.

0:29:17 Thomas: So Great. When

0:29:18 Eli: Very I'm

0:29:17 Tom: I fucking love that edge. That is an amazing age. It is, it's fucking great. The teenage years are good too, because then they, uh, ignore you and grouse at doors and, uh, and they're more expensive. So

0:29:19 Eli: Excited for it. I can't believe I haven't asked you this on the air before, or maybe I have and I've just forgotten, what you're funnier than your kids because you're funnier than most people. When your kids do that, how do you prevent yourself, self from roasting? I

0:29:31 Tom: Yeah. Yeah. Oh,

0:29:45 Thomas: They're teenagers at you Jeez.

0:29:46 Tom: Though. Yeah.

0:29:46 Eli: I know you're not as roasty as I am, but you're, like, you're quicker than them.

0:29:48 Tom: Yeah, no. Yeah, I, is difficult sometimes not to, like, I, but I will say though, the fun thing, I'm goofing around, like, it's really fun having teenagers because you can roast them a little and they do get it, and you can give them shit and they can, like, understand the difference between playfully teasing them and giving them shit and, like, actually hurting their feelings. I actually think the, the relationship I have, that's the roastiest by far, it's not even close, as with Aislinn. Aisling and I constantly roast one another.

It is a, it's, it's almost 95% of all of our interaction is just giving each other wonderfully good-natured shit. And I love it. Like, I actually love that part of it. So it is, it's, it's super fun. I think it's, it's super duper fun. The laughing a little because, like, this week Aislinn had, like, a lot of homework to do, you know, and, like, so she, like, all the kids also at some point figure out their doors to their bedrooms lock, which means that all they do anymore is come home, eat a food, go to their room and lock a door, and then you never

0:30:26 Eli: Great. Yeah.

0:30:46 Tom: See them again, and then at somepoint they'll go, I don't know, get jobs and leave the house, I don' even know what happens next, it's something. Yeah, I don't even know. I don't. But they're basically always behind locked doors. So anytime you need something that involves a kid, which is usually doing something nice, by the way, like giving them a clothes that you bought because you were thinking about them. Right, right. Yeah, it's never the directionality. It's never like my life will get better as a result of this knocking on the door. Instead, it'S like, you know, what?

0:30:46 Thomas: Maybe Yeah.

0:31:02 Thomas: Yeah. You're not like, hey, can I borrow some money? You bought you a car, you're

0:31:21 Tom: I need to see you for just a second. And, like, you had to move six and a half feet from your bedroom it's Yeah, this is nothing. It is nothing, and they did. Everybody, just to us a greater or lesser degree, does it, but some of, some of the kids definitely do it more.

0:31:30 Eli: Your chair rolls this why You got to get

0:31:41 Tom: See, if I could control it room by room, Eli Bosnick.

0:31:41 Eli: Central heating, because then you just start turning the temperature up in their room. And I understand Well, you

0:31:48 Tom: If I could control a roommate room

0:31:48 Eli: Know what. Put those upgrades in, Tom. You can make it happen.

0:31:51 Tom: I have, I have before thought of just, like, flipping the breaker, just like go downstairs, like, click. Yeah, you don't get electricity until you're a little Yeah.

0:31:57 Eli: The powers on. Doesn't change your life at all.

0:32:00 Tom: Right, be a little nicer to me. You get electricity

0:32:00 Eli: Now, to be fair, this week you were asking most of the kids to kill you. So I feel like that is a pretty big ass to make of your step kids. Please, Donovan.

0:32:02 Tom: Yeah.

0:32:11 Thomas: Like pretending to start turning into, to a zombie so that they Ah, I think. Ah, but like, bite mark like makeup on you

0:32:14 Eli: Drive this. This blade into my heart, Donavan.

0:32:19 Tom: Oh, so I'll give a quick update on that too, since you segued for me. So I know I brought it up. Neckwatch 2025.

0:32:23 Eli: Neck watch. Ne -ne -ne neck watch. Tom's life is so bad and he never catches a break Unless it's the literal bones in his neck How's your neck, Tom?

0:32:37 Tom: It's so bad. It's comically bad.

0:32:39 Eli: Think it's funny.

0:32:42 Tom: ER guy said I hernated a disk, but I got, you know, x -rays and ER basically the, uh C five, six, that disc is mostly just collapsed. So I've it's just like in the back space where your nerve exits just bone on bone for the most part. So that's great. So they got to do a two level cervical fusion next week. Yeah. Fucking anything. And everybody that I've I've gone to, everybody's been great. And they've been kind of fast tracking me through this whole labyrinth in process, but it's a process to get from like injured to fixed. Right. So it's going to take me, I went to the ER on the 4th. I'll have surgery on the 21st. That's actually pretty quick. 17 days is pretty fucking quick. It's just not quick.

If like every day hurts so much, you can't believe you have to live through it. Like, they're all just like, yeah, it really hurts, hon. I'm like, it REALLY does. Like, can we do anything about it?

And, and like really nothing's gonna help or work, and I'm like, really, fucking nothing. And then, like, the last three days before surgery I have to be completely off of the only thing. It does help a little bit, is like, like, fucking heroic doses of steroids, prednisone, but like that also makes you feel like a fucking crazy person. Like, at the doses I'm on, it makes me feel all agitated and weird and

0:32:56 Thomas: Lube in there. Jesus.

0:33:48 Tom: I've got to step down off everything 72 hours before surgery, so they'll, the three days before surgery it's just, it's just Nothing.

0:33:58 Eli: Just Raw dog in life. Mm.

0:33:58 Tom: Yeah.

0:33:58 Thomas: All this Because of your cervix, huh? Fuck. See

0:34:01 Eli: -hmm. Yeah.

0:33:59 Tom: Yeah. So They, I'm to understand that, like, you know, assuming everything goes well, like, walk out of there in less pain than I walked in with. So it'll, Cecil's driving me, he's, he's enough to take care of all that stuff for me. So he's, he's gonna drive me up there and drive me home and take care of all this stuff. He's been, he's an awesome them.

0:34:18 Thomas: So put the car on a cliff and get

0:34:21 Tom: If it doesn't work, if it doesn'T work, don't take me home. Like if they, if they're just like, Hey, you know what? Like, you couldn't do this thing. It's just, this is how life is now. I'd be like, well, it got a lot shorter.

0:34:21 Thomas: Out put it neutral Yeah.

0:34:30 Eli: About another round, huh? Let's get back in there. They're

0:34:33 Thomas: I had to check to make sure cervical cancer is cancer of the cervix and cervical spine stuff Why is that same word Why do they use Did they run out of fucking in words? I've been confused about that since I was seven.

0:34:41 Tom: That's it. Yeah, I don't know. I have no idea. That's Did the same thing

0:34:51 Thomas: Yeah. They'll be like, oh, cervix.

0:34:48 Eli: Both cervixes the in your neck is a tiny cervix.

0:34:53 Thomas: Someone will be like. Oh, my sir.

0:34:51 Tom: Yeah. Well It makes sense because my neck is fucked.

0:34:53 Eli: Yeah. Yeah.

0:34:56 Thomas: Someone pounded just raw dog. Absolutely pounded Tom's neck.

0:34:57 Tom: Yeah. Just fucking nailed that thing. Yeah.

0:35:01 Thomas: But I'd be so I'd like that Yeah, every so confused to be like yes, cervix cervix wow your your cervical. Oh okay. I'm like I didn't know. Yeah, so I had to Google it just now so that I find, and I'll, here's the thing about me, me, just like, I'll forget Mother's exists in five minutes. I'll forget that exists, and I'll be like, isn't cervix and cervical the same word, like next week? So that'll be cool. No.

0:34:59 Eli: Cervica menorah and cervica mature sure

0:35:12 Tom: Yeah. What We got to create a calendar, Eli. We got to create shared calendar with Thomas Smith right now that will give him reminders and updates, that way we can we can have the same conversation next year, and when he still ignores the updates, we can laugh about that differently. That's what we got to do.

0:35:33 Eli: Yeah.

0:35:39 Thomas: You can you have about it now. It's fine. I had plenty of updates I had plenty of warning I

0:35:39 Eli: You love I don't know. Yeah, we we could save ourselves the time of making a calendar.

0:35:43 Tom: We save ourselves all the upfront work.

0:35:45 Eli: Yeah.

0:35:45 Thomas: Had I two weeks of warning, and I, it doesn't matter. I just an asshole, poopy pants boy. I can't, it's too much fucking too burned out. Oh, I called my, my mom.

0:35:45 Tom: Yeah. Doesn't matter. You do anything for your mom. Okay. Well

0:35:49 Eli: No.

0:35:53 Thomas: That's all I do.

0:35:54 Tom: That's probably better. Yeah. Okay. All right.

0:35:56 Thomas: Boy, she looked old. Holy shit. That was shocking.

0:35:56 Tom: That's that's all right. Your mom? What

0:35:59 Thomas: Was like, that was the first time, you know, when you don't talk to your parents, can you guys, yeah.

0:36:01 Tom: How has it been since you talk to her? Oh

0:36:01 Eli: Man, what?

0:36:05 Thomas: Could you guys relate to not talking to your pants ever? And then one of them, I guess is dead. So that's weird. And then, uh, no. And then my mom,

0:36:13 Eli: I relate to this part of the story so far.

0:36:15 Thomas: Can't, and then, um, no, I mean, I don't know. I guess she was, she, she had gotten sick, uh、 like a virus. And so maybe that's it, but I did a call. I I was like, okay, what I do is like, hey, you want to do a video with the kids that you have seen once in the last year? She'll be like, yeah, totally. She loves the kids. You know, not enough to come visit much, but, you know, I don't care. I don'T visit either. She gets on the phone. I'm like, Jesus Christ.

0:36:33 Tom: That you can feel the warmth just

0:36:38 Thomas: Thought she was just, I thought he was a mummy. Like, It's weird. When you don't see your elderly parents for a while, the years come fast at that age, you know? Five years at that stage is a lot. A lot more than five years at our age. I don't know. It's just, it was shocking. So anyway, that, that was my, that's how I, yeah.

0:36:38 Tom: Oozing from this relationship. Jesus Christ.

0:36:55 Eli: Think it's the fact that you voiced that to her on the phone. That's really the problem, Thomas. I don' t.

0:36:59 Thomas: Yeah. The, when I shouted

0:36:59 Tom: Just Wow. You look like shit. Jesus Christ. Let's

0:37:00 Thomas: Like, oh my God. Oh, it's just my mom. Nevermind.

0:37:03 Tom: Just go audio call. Mom, let's Let's just go audio call. This is stressing.

0:37:04 Thomas: Yeah, pretty

0:37:03 Eli: Yikes. Did you chose the wrong cup?

0:37:09 Thomas: Much.

0:37:10 Eli: Yikes, mom. Mom, yes.

0:37:10 Thomas: Oh my poor mom. No, it is good. It was nice. Wait, got you, laid Eli, right? You, you romantic.

0:37:15 Tom: You had a romantic guys weekend, right?

0:37:17 Thomas: I

0:37:16 Eli: I had a romantic guy weekend with my buddy B-Man, uh, so as you'll remember from last year, uh, where we introduced the controversy of Hotel Gate, where you affectionless monsters were afraid to share a bed and a hotel room With your that

0:37:31 Thomas: Have all of the position that I this and I will go snuggle you you

0:37:35 Eli: You're sweet sweet bros, uh, we go to PAX Pax East, the

0:37:39 Tom: Make grown -up money, I just want to say. Like, you make adult money for grown -ups where you don't have to. This is an entirely voluntary bed sharing. Just.

0:37:40 Eli: Last, this

0:37:47 Thomas: Know what's gonna be funny is if I ever did get invited, I would both get my own room and snuggle, like, I'll snuggle and then post post coitus I'll be like well, I'm not gonna sleep with you, fucking farting

0:37:53 Eli: And then be like, all right, it's a no sleep here. I'm going to get my fucking back to my room.

0:37:58 Thomas: Men, like why would I do that? It's disgusting, but I, I mean, I'll fuck you, but, like, I'm gonna go to my ownroom after that, well

0:37:59 Eli: Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Yeah. So we went to Pax east last year. We went again this year. It turned out it wasn't the full dad squad this time. There's four dads in the dad squad. This time only just, just the two of us have.

0:38:13 Thomas: So so uh, you had room you're saying you had another spot

0:38:16 Eli: Yeah. Lots of room, uh which actually worked out great because they booked us accidentally in a king bed suite, so it was just, uh and we were like, and we were like, ah, man, it's really

0:38:16 Thomas: Huh okay all right accidentally sure

0:38:17 Tom: Oh, intimate. Accidentally yeah, hello this is Eli Bosnick, I'd like to turn in my two queen room oh

0:38:31 Eli: I know why I did a fake voice for that, it makes no sense, um, but yeah, we had a lovely weekend just board gaming, hanging out. My buddy B-Man, the thing that's wonderful about hanging out with him is that he is a better dad than me and a better person. So what's fun is, as a goblin, I don't know if you guys, neither of you really experienced this. So as a bad choice goblin, I just go to get to say affirmative statements and then, without making me feel bad, he corrects them, right?

0:39:02 Eli: So I'll be like, Hey man, you know how sometimes you want to eat a whole cheesecake cheesecake, but they have that glass there and you can't get through it because it's so strong. And he's like, he'll be like, well, I just order a slice of cheesecake and then they bring it to you. And I'm like, ah, you fucking figured it out. Good for you. You're some kind of wizard. So what I would do, what's nice is because I have a lot of problems asking for parental advice because my depression voice and Thomas, I know you can relate to

0:39:01 Tom: Like what do You mean

0:39:33 Thomas: Sure.

0:39:33 Eli: This. Back me up, baby. My depression voice is like a golf commentator saying the meanest shit anyone has ever thought faster than the power of speech one million times a day, right? "Oh, you sat in that chair, stupid? Your big fat body barely sat in that chair. I'm glad you got your big horrible waste of a body in that chair. I wish it wasn't there. You could use these resources for anything but yourself." Right? So it's just going all the time. So for me to go, "Hey, I'm not so sure about this parenting thing, what do you think?"

Is the voice would just be like, "There it is, you big fucking horrible waste of a dad. Why don't you just kill yourself and give the life insurance right?" So I, what I instead do is I'll be like, "So I'm thinking maybe I put Max in a trampoline from 2pm to 8pm," and he's just, he's just got amazing fucking ideas about everything. And the other thing is, I say this too, usually, usually when someone is a better dad or a person than me, it's because they had a leg up, right? Like Tom's like, "I know how to make tile because my dad made me tile my way to bed every night." And

0:39:51 Tom: Jesus Christ

0:39:53 Thomas: I like the calmness. That's a cool a cool

0:40:10 Tom: Jesus Christ

0:40:16 Thomas: All over your face. Yeah.

0:40:39 Tom: Dial

0:40:40 Eli: I'm like, okay, well, my dad didn't make me tile on my way today, but he didn't have that great of a living situation growing up. Like he's just, he's fucking raw dogging being an excellent person, but it's great. It's one of those things. I don't know. Again, I used to do road trips a lot with my friends. Like that was a big part of what I did was take road trips with my friends. The most beautiful thing about a road trip, the best part about a road trip is that what it becomes, if you're close enough with the people, is a conversation that starts at the beginning of the road trip and ends

0:40:40 Tom: My way to bed yeah yes

0:41:11 Eli: At the end. You're really just having a seven day long conversation. Conversation. Yeah. And that's really what it was. It was just a seven day long conversation about everything from like board game design, because we played board games the entire time to like parenting and what it Was like to grow up without certain kinds of pain. It let your hips do the talking is. And then we fucked. Then we fucked and we came in each other. And that was great, too.

0:41:16 Thomas: Until

0:41:16 Tom: Yeah, I love that shit, yep

0:41:29 Thomas: You let your hips do the talking. Yeah yeah that's good. My question is, you had a group sex male orgy dynamic, but then you're saying you took just two of you?

0:41:43 Eli: Right. Just two of us.

0:41:47 Thomas: See, now that would be the awkward part of buttfucking for me, would be when you switch from a group guy, because then it's just the dudes. It's just fucking each other, you know, normal.

0:41:47 Eli: Monogamy style. Interesting.

0:41:58 Thomas: And then when it's like, when it'S just two OF you, that's like intimate. I mean, exactly.

0:41:58 Eli: Right, right. Then then it's like, what are we? That's what you've got to ask the, the deeper

0:42:06 Thomas: Yeah. Did you have that conversation? Station. How did that go? You know. So

0:42:09 Eli: Question. Oh, I'll tell you the, one funny part though, that was, well, I mean, there were a lot of funny parts, but one of the funny parts was he's a neat guy, right? Neat put together, neat guy.

0:42:19 Thomas: Does the cleanup after. Okay.

0:42:20 Eli: And so I was like, Oh, looks like we're sharing, um, bathroom. And he's like, no problem. Right. Because he's picturing, I'm sure, his human shits right where he just, like, sits down and then

0:42:23 Tom: Wait a minute, wait a minute Hold on, hold on I have to stop you neat When you're talking about being neat I'm thinking about like being tidy Somebody who likes to put things Hold on a minute To put things away And then you transfer immediately into He takes human shits

0:42:33 Thomas: No I wasn't picturing any shit. Well

0:42:33 Eli: Yeah, Exactly.

0:42:42 Thomas: Well, Tom, remember the great shitting incident of 2024? That where the shit? They haven't solved that case. They still don't know. They

0:42:48 Eli: The

0:42:47 Tom: This is Yeah, I do. This is, I have to point out the insanity of, of even conflating the idea of being tidy as a person with keeping your shit inside the toilet bowl.

0:43:00 Thomas: Are still looking for the Unabomber. The, no. No, not the Unabomber. Wait, that's the one they have. Who don't they have? Fuck. Okay. They're still looking for the Zodiac Killer, the guy who took all the money on the airplane, D .B.

0:43:07 Tom: Have that guy, Cooper.

0:43:15 Thomas: Cooper, P .K. Subban, I was going for, D .P. Cooper and the person who leaked the Dobbs decision and whoever put all that shit in Eli's bathroom.

0:43:09 Eli: Killer, D Cooper. Yep. Sam Mm -hmm is Exactly.

0:43:26 Thomas: They're Still looking for all those criminals. And it's actually one guy, Eli Bosnick.

0:43:23 Tom: They're

0:43:27 Eli: Right. Tom that's exactly correct Thomas, that is is a hundred percent correct Because, because what I imagine it happens when B-Man takes a chase, he sits down, a shit falls out of his body he's he clean Right, it goes in the toilet, he cleans himself up, he walks out of the room and he's like, all right, well, ready to process more food for nutrients. So I go to take a shit for the first time in the room, the god, he goes, goes, I just hear him through the door, he goes, I'm gonna, I'm going to wait in the hall. He just He was just like, I'm in the hallway now.

0:43:39 Thomas: In the toilet area man Yeah.

0:44:10 Eli: Honestly, if he had never come back If he Had just been texting me, walking home, you At playgroup

0:44:12 Thomas: Yeah.

0:44:16 Tom: Okay, well wait a minute, because, like, maybe this is just me, but like, when I, when Cecil and I have traveled together, I've traveled with a bunch of people, but, like, if I gotta go take a shit, like, if I'm at a hotel, I'll just go use the lobby shitter Yeah.

0:44:17 Eli: Sure

0:44:18 Thomas: Go in the lobby? Ruin the

0:44:29 Tom: I'm not. I'm stinking up, like even, like I'll be honest, like, when Hayley and I travel, if that's a possibility, I'll do the same thing like I'm not gonna stink up our hotel room oh, I'll still do it I'm not gonna stink up the hotel room that we have to share, if I can just literally walk 25 feet down the hall or whatever and do that

0:44:29 Thomas: Whole hotel evacuate the whole building. Yeah, 100 no this is true well, oh not now wait sorry still now. Oh, wow, you guys wow okay early dating days or whatever. 100, I amount, we could, we should do you a whole episode on the surreptitious taking of shits that goes on in the early days of a relationship, which I'm sure Eli would have the best stories for.

0:45:02 Tom: Isn't surreptitious about it at all. I'm sure he just sounds like he's just like, I'M JUST GONNA DROP ONE RIGHT HERE, DOOR OPEN SMOKING A CIGARETTE LIKE your dad. All

0:45:07 Eli: I didn't realize I didn' t realize we were supposed to hide shits from our friends. Obviously, I hid my shits from Anna for the first three years of our marriage. I needed, I wanted to have a son but in but

0:45:20 Thomas: It must have been a tough day. Once that was done, then you're like, finally, I can take a shit.

0:45:25 Eli: Your buddies are the only people you can take your grossest shits around are you kidding?

0:45:30 Thomas: Not if you're fucking them. Him

0:45:31 Eli: I think about, I want you to pause. I want your both to pause and think about how it would rattle Cecil to his very core, how much it would change him as a man, as a husband, and as a human being, to go into a bathroom after I had taken a shit in there. You're going to miss that opportunity?

0:45:26 Tom: No yeah no yeah

0:45:53 Eli: Come out beardless.

0:45:50 Thomas: Oh no

0:45:56 Tom: Oh I have to speak, a beardless, I went to tell you guys, for my surgery next week Yep, I can't have my, but here's what I'm allowed to have, have mutton chops and a mustache.

0:46:07 Eli: Woo!

0:46:01 Thomas: No oh yes, that okay, this is a new Tom, and I think it's a better Tom. I'm already picturing it oh this is so you Tom I love your beard. You have a great beard. I'm sad about that, but I think this is an opportunity, I think. THIS IS AN OPPORTUNITY, SIR.

0:46:11 Tom: So I, I am going to look like a civil war general. Am devastated. Uh,

0:46:15 Eli: Yeah, this is a good choice.

0:46:23 Thomas: I am excited about this. You have, you've always had the spirit of a Civil War, and let's be real, we know, we know which side, we know which side of the war we're thinking that he was on we do we know yeah we all know which side he was definitely on all

0:46:24 Tom: Oof. Okay. I hope we do. I Hope we do yeah. I sure fucking hope we

0:46:31 Eli: Yeah, we don't have to talk about it. We all know. Looks great. He looks great in gray, is what we're saying.

0:46:39 Thomas: Right.

0:46:40 Tom: God damn it, Eli.

0:46:48 Eli: Alright. Gentlemen, before we go, what do you call an American dish that started out in Mexico? Has been. Yeah.

0:46:57 Tom: Oh, my God.

0:46:59 Thomas: Nice. That's, that's cool to laugh at, right? Are we good with that? That's fine Okay. Yeah.

0:47:03 Eli: I feel like I don't

0:47:04 Thomas: I think it's fine. Just it's just about food, totally normal.

0:47:04 Eli: Fucking know tell me. I

0:47:07 Thomas: Story

0:47:11 Clip: Want to meet sexy DILFs in your area? Email thedads at dearolddads .com or better yet, send us a message on Patreon. You can follow us on all social media by checking the links in the show notes. And if you need more podcasts in your life, you can find Tom on Cognitive Dissonance, Thomas on Serious Inquiries Only, and Eli on Godawful Movies and all the Puzzle and the Thunderstorm shows. Dear Old Dads is edited and produced by my favorite DILf, Tom Smith, who also wrote and recorded the intro music, which is used with his permission. This podcast is a production of Daddy Issues, LLC, copyright 2022, all rights reserved.

0:47:52 Eli: Lizard Jews and what's up, Hitler fuckers. I was a pretty cool dude because

0:48:00 Thomas: Pants, boys unite. We

0:48:03 Tom: Every gift a turkey drawn like a hand why

0:48:06 Thomas: Just want a little hug and a smooch, you

0:48:09 Tom: Good natured shit. And

0:48:11 Eli: Life is so bad and he never catches a break, unless it's the literal bones in his neck.

0:48:21 Tom: It makes sense because my neck is fucked

0:48:23 Eli: Oh, you sat in that chair, stupid. Your big fat body barely sat in that chair. I'm glad you got your big horrible waste of a body in that chair. I wish it wasn't there. You could gonna, I'm going to wait in the hall. He just He was just like, I'm

0:48:32 Thomas: Would be the awkward part of buttfucking for me, would yeah is a new tom and I think it's a better tom I'm