DOD136: You WILL Have Fun, Damn It!

Transcript

This transcript was generated automatically and may contain errors — the audio is the record.

0:00:02 Clip: I'm the cool dad. That's my thing. I know now what I can offer you that no one else can. Complete and utter dependence. I'm a man. I'm sensitive. I need to feel loved. I need to be desired.

0:00:22 Clip: Telling is the only part of being a father that I enjoy.

0:00:28 Tom: Welcome to Dear Old Dads, the podcast that's ready for the big day. I'm Tom Curry. I'm joined, as always, by Thomas Smith and Eli Bosnick. Hello, gentlemen.

0:00:38 Thomas: Most certainly not ready for a big day what are we talking about here I was not told about this big day

0:00:41 Tom: You know, you've known about this for quite some time. You're really responsible for getting yourself ...

0:00:43 Eli: Thomas looks down. He's in a wedding dress. Shit.

0:00:46 Thomas: Fuck yeah oh that's good I got my dress on that seems positive

0:00:49 Eli: It's not. Yeah.

0:00:46 Tom: All so I wanted to talk to you guys about something. I had a freshly vasectomied, not actually vasectomy. Don't get excited. Thomas will, but you can't. You know so um

0:00:56 Thomas: Hey

0:00:52 Eli: Freshly vasectomied. No. I'm putting a wedding dress on him, I'm also going to snip his vas deferens. That's what I'm saying.

0:01:02 Tom: Eli I think you have an obligation to like he's he's your airbnb right I

0:01:08 Eli: He's sleeping in a house that I will access have to. Yeah there's

0:01:11 Thomas: If I can't rely on the sanctity of my own sack staying in another person's home then that I feel like that violates the core old english law like you can't you should be safe in my things and effects and sack oh

0:01:13 Tom: Feel like you've got to do this right no

0:01:21 Eli: True that and sack is

0:01:25 Tom: You pass out first everybody is allowed to draw a dick on your face that's that's we know this we know that this is law no

0:01:29 Eli: To draw your face and seal your vas deferens well

0:01:28 Thomas: Do on you know me you know how much I would murder anyone who ever did that in my presence ever at all times that was one of those I could never be in a frat could never do it could never doing it could ever do it

0:01:44 Tom: I've actually I've never had friends that would do that like every friend I've ever had like if somebody passed out they were just like oh shit let's make sure he's okay and take care of them I've never had like asshole friends that fuck with people yeah

0:01:52 Thomas: Why this is why I just don't get most men tom because most men are like and I'm like why would you ever do that what is the point of that like

0:02:02 Eli: If that's how you're going to represent my argument then I'm not even going to bother explaining

0:02:08 Tom: I hada close friend of mine that uh he did go away to college and he joined a frat and I went down to visit him and like the frat that he was a part of was his fucking small town bullshit college and like fucking central illinois nestled amongst the corn goblins just terrible nothing town nothing little college nothing little people that went there.

0:02:25 Tom: And like, it just was, it was a total shit show. It was a fucking nightmare.

0:02:26 Thomas: Is a rival school or yeah

0:02:30 Tom: It was a fuckin' nightmare.

0:02:25 Eli: Hey man what are you me

0:02:30 Thomas: Did you lose to them in wrestling hmm

0:02:32 Tom: Well, I, I went down there and I was like, these people are the fuckin' worst, cause here's my buddy, who's like one of the nicest guys you'll ever meet in your life. He's, he's smart, he'S kind, heS super genuine guy, he gets drunk and passes out, and find like all of his sorority brother, er, er uh, fraternity brothers, whatever, fuckin', whatever, his fraternity guys had taken his pants and underpants hands down and they were taking girls into the room to show him his dick. Cause he's got a big dick.

0:02:43 Thomas: Kill him oh wow wow yeah

0:02:56 Eli: That's a sex crime that's not fun

0:02:58 Thomas: That's actually just crimes yeah

0:03:00 Tom: The thing is like, they normalize this kind of shit so much that like he wakes up the next day and I'm like, dude, they're like all showing your fucking dick to everybody while you're fucking passed out on the floor. And he's like, that's just who they are. That's just Bob.

0:03:02 Thomas: Jesus christ oh

0:03:12 Tom: And that's just the guys.

0:03:11 Thomas: Yeah yeah that just yeah

0:03:14 Tom: That'S just who THEY ARE.

0:03:14 Eli: Classic james they killed my grandma last week it was really funny they broke in and they shot her that's

0:03:18 Thomas: Look that's just hannibal lecter that's just what he does he eats people's faces if you say that's just in front of something then it's fine everybody knows that that's

0:03:24 Eli: Edible we call him muncho because he eats people it's so

0:03:32 Tom: And I'm that it's yeah oh that's how you yeah that's the you

0:03:33 Eli: Hey

0:03:33 Thomas: Just trump that's just what he does man that's juste

0:03:36 Tom: Know isn't it true that that's exactly the opposite when somebody's like well that's just I'm like okay you're gonna say something horrible like

0:03:41 Thomas: You're gonna say the worst possible thing there

0:03:41 Tom: There's no way you're not gonna be you're never gonna be like that's just a peanut butter and jelly you know never ends that way

0:03:47 Thomas: Not gonna be like yeah he just goes uh and buys groceries for you and then does your lawn that's justo him no you don't

0:03:52 Eli: No you gotta understand rick loves a soup kitchen I know know it's a little wacky, but he's got a good heart. He's got a good art.

0:03:59 Tom: Guys I you for saying mowing the lawn do I you guys have ring cameras at your homes do you have those like those surveillance fucking cameras that are so

0:04:01 Thomas: Kind of yeah kind of but I always forget that I have it

0:04:08 Tom: The houses in this neighborhood they the new construction neighborhoods they all come with ring cams everybody's got a ring cam when you've got a RingCam you're connected to this like neighbor feature where it's like a social feature for the RingCam and

0:04:16 Thomas: You all be racist together I know know

0:04:19 Tom: Like the other day I saw the fucking best video somebody posted some random person that they did not know mowed their lawn and they're just like they have a video it's just like does anyone know who this is or why he's mowing my lawn and there's just this man just walking around mowing this guy's lawn and I'm like I don't know man but my address give it to him as soon as you find him like people in the ring thing were pissed though they were like oh man I can't you you got to get him off your property or what I hope he never shows up here and i'M LIKE I HOPE HE SHOWS UP HERE EVERY WEEK Like, what?

0:04:27 Thomas: Someone on meth or something oh

0:04:40 Eli: Exactly. Once you track him down, uh,

0:04:45 Thomas: Dare you unless you did the best job in the world that's such a violation if you did the perfect edging though like and it was just like super impressive you'd be like

0:04:58 Eli: Thomas would so rather you take down his pants and show people pictures of his dick than Moe's lawn.

0:05:02 Thomas: I want to be clear I want to be sure I would love someone to come on my lawn I'm talking about the average guy like the average person would be like that's a violation of my you

0:05:10 Tom: Do not care how bad a job they do. If they do it for

0:05:11 Thomas: I don't tom tom tom You and I, I know I'm saying like the only way you get away with that in normal society is if it you was the best job ever done, then maybe you'd get away with it. But I, that just reminded me of remember that old, uh, I can't remember where it was posted, but speaking of things like that, it was around the time that we were, going you through the baby monitor, baby phase thing where we saw someone posted that their baby monitor connected to a different camera. That happens from time to time, like, cause there are only so many radio.

0:05:38 Tom: You're just going into somebody else's fucking house?

0:05:41 Thomas: You a random person. Look to expect your baby and get a random person? I was like, that that Would be, if you just look at your camera and there's like an adult in your baby's room that you think is your, your room that can't imagine shitting my pants harder than that. And, it's happened though. Cause they connect, they only use a certain number of the frequencies for these fucking things it reminds me of that

0:05:56 Eli: And they have open wifi so they're very easy to hack. So sometimes people will, and this is not funny, but sometimes people will hack into them and then replace the video with like video of someone doing something bad to a crib or something and so people run in and they're like haha I pranked you I should be dead but um yeah it's a like

0:06:14 Tom: What?

0:06:13 Thomas: That's how every prank video should end in my book I pranked you I should now be executed summarily

0:06:20 Eli: Absolutely and and then the rock duane johnson just descends out of the sky and he's like sorry brother you failed the human test and just lights him on fire with a flamethrower uh guns and roses in the background all of them at certain point you're just like there it is we did it

0:06:28 Thomas: That should be every prank show those logan twin brothers low are they whoever those are they'd be dead yeah

0:06:37 Tom: Current day Guns N' Roses where Axl Rose's voice is totally blown out though? So he's just hoarsely crying?

0:06:41 Eli: And then rock turns to him and he goes axel should have retired earlier yeah

0:06:46 Thomas: Also he sucks doesn't he yeah it's just boy the rock's gonna be doing a lot of killing but but yeah.

0:06:50 Tom: That's fine. This is the world I want to live in.

0:06:51 Eli: The rock loves to kill what can I

0:06:52 Tom: I'm good with this world.

0:06:52 Eli: Say the

0:06:53 Thomas: And then he kills himself.

0:06:54 Eli: Official position of this podcast is that the wayne rock johnson has killed several people we know the details and we will provide them to you for money hey

0:07:00 Thomas: What What did we start with, Tom? I'm sorry.

0:07:02 Tom: We haven't even started yet. Is a good time for auto ads.

0:07:05 Eli: Know the only thing worse than YouTube prankers is the auto ads. The prank

0:07:10 Thomas: I don't know about that one. That doesn't sit well.

0:07:12 Eli: That we pull on our audience. There you are listening to it and then we a teenager hoping desperately to be part of the internet's culture of attention does something weird at you and maybe gets shot to death by a Grubhub driver in a way that is super funny and cool. But you can stop all that by going over to patreon.com/dearolddads where for as little as a dollar an episode you'll get access us to a commercial free extra long episode of every show we do a little bonus parenting story at the end uh get a real zinger from phoebe on last week's show uh for our own thomas smith dropping tooth bombs uh and you can check that out over at patreon.com/dearolddads it's

0:07:42 Tom: She's dropping truth bombs, I think. I had this really interesting conversation with a buddy of mine who's got a uh six -year -old the other day and

0:07:56 Thomas: That was me, Tom. That was my time. I Phoebe is six. Yeah. Thank you.

0:07:59 Eli: Our podcast is called dear old dads

0:08:01 Thomas: Dear

0:08:00 Tom: Dear old dance no it's an interesting conversation oh

0:08:01 Thomas: Old dads. Heads.

0:08:02 Eli: He's fuging again thomas he's fuging he must have have seen two of his exes at the same time and he was like I'm blind

0:08:10 Thomas: Have the app open? I'll shock his balls. Hold on. We'll get him back. We'll give Tom back.

0:08:12 Eli: I always

0:08:13 Tom: it'S not don't do that it'S NOT on my wrist right now I did have to turn it over so it'S on the sensitive part of my wrist now it works better that way all

0:08:14 Eli: Have the I told

0:08:17 Thomas: The other part is just black. It's just like fucking Dumbledore's hand when he gets that ring.

0:08:22 Tom: Just it's just charred underneath it so

0:08:28 Eli: Eamon to keep making me drink that potion but you know how he is that's why I disowned him miracle

0:08:31 Tom: I had this conversation with my buddy the other day and he was he story short like he had taken his his downtown chicago he lives out in the suburbs so he took her downtown chicagos and they went to see something called uh miles a disaster now unfortunately to blue man group um

0:08:45 Eli: Mile yeah

0:08:51 Thomas: I love Blue Man Group.

0:08:51 Eli: It rules

0:08:52 Tom: If you guys know blue man groups like show. People dress in blue. They fucking hit steel drums. They throw marshmallows around.

0:08:57 Thomas: They hit everything. They don't just hit

0:08:58 Tom: It's super fun.

0:08:58 Thomas: Drums tom they can make anything their drum famously

0:09:01 Eli: Yeah throw marshmallows at each other

0:09:02 Thomas: Blue

0:09:01 Tom: It gets the whole thing. PVC and all. It is super fun, so they took their daughter to see Blue Man Group, and there was some conversation that we were having about some some family tension that arose from that trip, of times, and had cause to reflect on this with finn recently you know a lot of times we look at these sort of big adventures that we take our kids on and we as adults I think have this tendency to look at these big adventures look at this big moments and think these are the things that really matter these are most important things we're doing take them to disney we're taking them downtown to see this blue man group we're going to do this big stuff right we sort of forget I think sometimes how expensive that is for the kids in the only currency that they have to pay us which is with their attention and their effort you

0:09:34 Thomas: Man group yeah oh I thought tom charged his kids to go on trips

0:09:50 Eli: I was gonna say Tom you're the the only one who makes your kid pay for their own disney tickets

0:09:53 Tom: Guys don't make your kids pay I mean like I gotta save up their allowance obviously or I'll front them and then they can pay it back in arrears there's a the vig is high the vig ist high I will say

0:10:02 Eli: Juice

0:09:57 Thomas: I charge him so much interest I actually yeah I it's like payday lending over here yeah this

0:10:04 Eli: Is running yeah juice's running she's

0:10:06 Tom: But you know it's it's like we think about these things I was thinking about like when my kids were were younger, especially. And like, like, okay, it was cool. We're going to take them to the museum. And it's like, all right, well to go to the museum for me, it's an hour and a half one way. It's an hours and a back. So three hours in the car, they got to get dressed. We got to leave at a time in the morning to make it make sense for us to go and have enough time at the museum.

0:10:26 Thomas: Sounds like things that cost us tom it's

0:10:28 Tom: It, It's it' a big thing that we're asking for the kids, right? Me to drive for an hour. And a half is not the same as for like a little kid to be a passenger passenger in a car for an hour and a half. And don'T always like recognize, I think with our kids, the cost of doing these sort of like big events that we take them on. AndI see a lot of parents be like, God, you know, like they express the same frustration, like, ah, the kids, it's not even grateful. I did this big thing for them and and they're miserable and they'RE cranky. And but I spent my whole day being nice to you. It's the whole day building this memory for you. And like, you're not even grateful for it. It's like, we're not really thinking enough about how much we're asking of kids when we ask them to do this. Because when this little girl was asked what she really wanted to do with her day, she wanted to ride her bike. She wanted to write her bike on the neighborhood. That's actually what she wanted. When I reflected on these sorts of things with Finn recently in a conversation we had about a month ago, of his happiest memories as a a kid were really low ask of him. There were things like driving around the neighborhood, going to garage sales together when we were kids. They did big stuff, but those were not his like most important, most cherished memories. And I was just thinking about this idea of the price that we ask kids to pay to do this sort of big stuff that we as adults build up in our our heads as important without sort of acknowledging back how much cost that is for those kids to back to us. I'm curious what you guys thought of that idea.

0:10:34 Thomas: Worse yeah I think of it in different terms but I think the same kind of phenomenon for sure like if nothing else Phoebe has given Lydia and I I think I I can speak for Lydia too on this we think phoebe has really um us for this kind of thing because forever since

0:12:14 Eli: So fucking ungrateful that was

0:12:16 Thomas: No, because when Phoebe has a big day, it's miserable. Like when it's her birthday, when it is an occasion, it is a miserable for Phoebe pretty much the entire time. There is always going to be some huge problem. But it still goes down in the record books as Phoebe's fun birthday party. So I think one thing we can do too, it might be a different component than what you are talking about, Tom, is we can kind of detach, maybe this is a younger kid thing too, but we can't detach the immediate, like, oh, she's crying. Oh, she seems to be upset. Oh she blah, blah, blah. Detach that from like, yeah, but the overall experience and memory is actually good. It's just that in the moment she's overwhelmed, she got too much. She's is an anxious kid. She she overwhelmed. She, there have been so many times. It's comical. So many times where we, Phoebe has an absolute fucking meltdown. And then the next day she's like, Like, hey, when can we do that again?

0:13:09 Tom: Yeah, right.

0:13:11 Thomas: We're like, oh, cool. Yeah, glad that's how you remember it, at least.

0:13:10 Eli: So much fun yeah I'm glad you liked it kiddo do you remember when you said you wished I was dead do

0:13:18 Thomas: She says that. She definitely says that now.

0:13:20 Eli: You member when you wrote wrote a poem about how much you wished I was dead. That's why I didn't like the circus.

0:13:24 Thomas: Pretty much.

0:13:28 Tom: I mean, you guys have seen it too. And I remember feeling this when I was a kid, like where adults lose their patience with you or adults lose their patience when you're at these sort of big like, event things, you know, like family you're vacation or you're, you going to this big, like long, like kind of event. And like the adults get frustrated and they lose their patience because you're not behaving as a kid or you see it in other kids, you know, and adults like pulling them off to the side, like giving them a start talking to like everybody's seen that and and I I I think about like what

0:14:01 Eli: Can't Can't do that

0:13:57 Thomas: Saw a dad hit his kid once. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

0:14:02 Eli: In here, ma'am.

0:14:02 Thomas: Oh, that's such a good. God, that such a great idea. That's such good idea for next time.

0:14:06 Tom: Think about what a big ask we we make of our kids when we take them out and ask them to do all of these like really hard things like it's like really hard for a kid for example and we all know this like getting a little kid up in the morning getting them fed getting them changed and getting them out the door that's its own thing and then we're going to take this like potentially long car ride. And then like, maybe we're gonna like be off schedule. And dann maybe we' re going to like have a higher level of physical activity while we're doing this thing. And maybe we re not going to have a meal that is like the same kind of meal that they eat or mealtime might be delayed or, you know, and then w re going have to have this whole big car ride back and they're going see all this stuff. Maybe they can't have everything they want. So they're gonna have to like temper their expectations and be told no in the middle of it. There's a lot. We have, we ask our kids a lot hot when we

0:14:49 Thomas: Are you trying to take your kids on

0:14:51 Tom: Do these things.

0:14:51 Thomas: Hikes or something? Because I'm trying to figure out. Eli,

0:14:54 Tom: Sound crazy? Like you take your kid to like the museum, there's a gift shop, right? I don't think I'm crazy here. Like, taken your kids to any kind of cultural events?

0:14:59 Thomas: I tried to take my kids to the museum?

0:15:03 Eli: I need us to take my, check my autistic dad privilege here because this is not a struggle that we deal with. Were You like an hour and a half in a car. And I was like, Oh, that is probably hard for most parents. Max is like, Hey, hey, can we listen to What's My Name from The Descendants 4 for every second of an hour and a half?

0:15:20 Thomas: Yeah.

0:15:20 Eli: And I'm like, yeah, we can. And he's like, then I'm fucking loving it. Keep the goldfish coming, Chubbs. I'm in.

0:15:27 Thomas: Yeah. No, same with my kids. I just, we we've given in and just, they have devices in the car, so I don'T even care. They They got devices. They can do what they want. The only yeah, I'm trying to figure out, Tom, I DON'T think you're the crazy one. And I think probably Eli and I are for different reasons, because for me, for one, you have that resting level of like things are a struggle and discomfort for me that I have to fight all the time, you know, so I'm like too self -involved in that way.

0:15:52 Eli: The minute they leave the house, Thomas is like, this is the worst day. I hate it so much.

0:15:55 Thomas: And this fucking sucks. No, but most of it right when you start with getting up in the morning, that's already for everyone in the house but me. That's not hard for me. That's impossible. Possible. So already I start on the, like, boy, this is really hard for your dad, kids. You got to really, it's this, Tom, can you talk to my kids about how their expectations for me?

0:16:12 Eli: They're all sitting there eating their cereal and Thomas comes tumbling down the stairs. I made it by noon. I made It by noon! Dad, we just got back from school. I learned how to read today. Yeah, maybe.

0:16:21 Thomas: My God. That's too real. God, that's too true. Too real.

0:16:30 Eli: Anyone steal any companies from you today, Remy?

0:16:22 Tom: Well, but but like, it's

0:16:33 Eli: You fat bitch.

0:16:39 Tom: Be, it would be, you know, it, it wouldn't It's even more difficult too. And I think you'll relate to this piece, Thomas, personally, at least like all of the kids in my home. Um, we all have, there's ADHD is rampant in our home. Right. Right. So like and transitions are particularly difficult for kids with ADHD. Right. So if you have ADHD, one of the most difficult things is to transition from really from anything to any other thing. Right. There's a lot of it's just it's part of an executive function disorder is that that ability to transition to

0:17:04 Thomas: Voluntarily, voluntarily, you should add voluntarily. Cause I, yeah, I will transition transition involuntarily to 47 different things while I'm actually trying to do a 48th thing that's easy yes

0:17:07 Tom: Volunteer. Yeah. Yeah. It and to make those transitions on a schedule to meet a timeline is really difficult. It's, it's difficult for kids that don't have ADHD. It's even more difficult for kids that do. I've discovered that like in a big way. And so, you know, one thing that I've been doing with, Eamon, with especially cause he's the littlest right now, this last weekend, he he wanted and to see the cicadas. So out where I'm at, I don't know if you guys are experiencing this. I don'T think you're in the band, but like, so

0:17:39 Eli: We are not in the cicada bend.

0:17:41 Tom: We've got like crazy 17 year cicadas they're be out for about six weeks

0:17:41 Thomas: Not oh yeah

0:17:46 Eli: Double. It's double. You got two.

0:17:49 Thomas: They're all fucking each other this

0:17:50 Eli: You just got the one? Okay.

0:17:49 Tom: I don't have two where I'm at no yes that's central illinois so you got to go down about 100 miles from where I am at to get those yeah

0:17:54 Thomas: Is the weirdest we don't have this on the west coast and every time this is described to me it's like uh you're dealing with the that the mummy or something. Remember those beetles?

0:18:02 Eli: Yeah.

0:18:03 Thomas: Those terrible CGI beetles.

0:18:04 Tom: It's fucking

0:18:04 Eli: It's the scarabs.

0:18:04 Tom: Dude it's it's wild like every it's every 17 years um there's a 13 year brood and a 17 year brood so and what eli's referring to is that the 13 and 17 year brudes do overlap in parts of illinois but not anywhere near me but I've got the 17 year brewed and like where I mad it's new constructions There's not a lot of trees. So you got to go someplace that has a lot of established trees because that's where they they that's live and come out of. So I looked online and I found a forest reserve that had like the most much number of cicadas. If we're going to drive someplace, let's go to the place that has the most of these really excited about it.

0:18:33 Thomas: Let's go get eaten. Let's go fucking.

0:18:35 Tom: So they don't bite or anything. They just fly around.

0:18:38 Thomas: We want the car to just turn into a skeleton like they just go over it.

0:18:40 Eli: It's the worst. Yeah. I can't imagine journeying towards that, but that's fine.

0:18:43 Thomas: I know.

0:18:44 Eli: Tom, you were saying you were making a point.

0:18:44 Thomas: I don't know.

0:18:42 Tom: But so he's excited about he's exciting about it so we drive up and it's a 45 minute to an hour drive. And so like like we go and then we go for a walk in the woods. Yeah. To see literally tens of thousands, if not millions of them.

0:18:48 Thomas: To see a bug. Millions. Oh,

0:18:55 Eli: He screamed at a bug. Yeah.

0:18:57 Tom: Yeah, yeah. It's crazy.

0:18:58 Eli: Dad, you know, when someone

0:18:59 Tom: He loved

0:18:57 Thomas: Easily millions. Yeah

0:18:59 Eli: Hears a buzzsaw in the distance, what if that was everywhere all at once inside my memories and inside my mind?

0:19:05 Tom: It.

0:19:05 Eli: Could we do?

0:19:05 Tom: He was so excited.

0:19:06 Eli: Of course he didn't.

0:19:06 Tom: He loved it, and so we go out and we do this thing. We take this long walk, so walk for about an hour and a half into this forest preserve and wander around and come back and see all this wildlife and all this shit, and he loves it, and then we get back and we drive back and like one of the things that I was thinking I was thinking about this conversation and I was thanking god like this is a super long day I had to wake him up early we had to get him in the car I had to like feed him on the road as we were going to this forest preserve he walked around for you know a straight hour and a half without breaks because he was excited but also like I recognize that like kids don't monitor their own like energy levels real well you so they're not like real good this is good good halfway point for me let's turn back kind of like nine -year -olds aren't good at that you know and then we get back and like you know we've got like a car ride it's hot he's got to cool down there's actually a lot it's a big ask even a day like that's a Big Ask and what I discovered is a simple little like hey man thanks for letting me take you out today like made a huge like he was in a good mood but he was like he like perked right up he loved hearing that because it was like this like acknowledgement that like we got to have this day and I was glad for it but I also was like kind of recognizing what he put into it as the kid in order

0:20:14 Tom: For for us to have that moment

0:20:16 Eli: I that's so important, Tom, that that accentuating that the time you spend with them is not for them a thing you hate to do, right? Right. I Because think our parents definitely emphasized to that without meaning to. Right. Like, I took you to Disney World for you. Right. And so framing so of this activity is I hated this and I didn't want to do it. So now it's entirely on you to be grateful about it.

0:20:41 Eli: Right. The only emotion that you're allowed to have about this day is gratitude as opposed to like, it's fucking amazing being your dad. Yeah. And I noticed that quite a bit. So Max and I go to the science museum near us, uh, almost every weekend. Cause we're members. Uh, so we get in for free and like, we have a little schedule we do. Right. And it would be very easy for me to be like, you don't want to go to a science museum. I don'T want to watch you play with the same three exhibits and stand on the same four dinosaur bones. But like, one of the things that I really try to do in those moments is emphasize how wonderful those moments are for me and how much joy they bring me. Right. So we talk about it in our bedtime sweet talk, which is I know you guys do favorite part of the day as well, Thomas. So, we do bedtime sweet talking. We'll talk about it then. And then again, just in the ride home, I try to like talk about four or five moments I saw that I was proud of, or, you know, four or 5 things that really made me laugh. I mean, honestly, we do this little brain, not, not to derail us. Cause I think it's along the topic, but I don't want to derial us too far. Like we do This little thing where we stopped for lunch and I have started bringing the iPad, which he never gets, but because we're in a big noisy cafeteria, he sometimes gets a little overwhelmed with like the sensory stuff. So we find a table in the corner and I'll set up the iPad and he gets to eat and have iPad at the same time.

0:20:41 Tom: That's exactly what I'm trying to drive at yeah it's

0:21:54 Eli: And he's so happy to do it. Right. He's like walking over to the chairs because he knows it's coming. So he walks over to the chairs and I'm like, do you want a high chair or big boy chair today? And he'll be like, high chair, high chair. And we, you know, we do the whole thing. It's just, it's so sweet. And I think we can often ruin our own sweetest moments with our kids because we're depending on them to create the sweetness you know we're depending on them to create the positive positivity because they're going to reflect it back at us as opposed to us just knowing that what we're doing right here in this moment is wonderful you know I I mentioned this last week very briefly but um my homophobic shirt sleeve inclinations but um birthday party this year he just just wanted to go to the park so uh right

0:21:54 Tom: A trait yes yeah

0:22:39 Thomas: How the The tables have turned. I had a park birthday party with, by the way, a very brilliant looking Hogwarts, cake that I made all by myself that Eli, boy,

0:22:41 Eli: Know it's terrible you surprised us with a goosebumps cake you surprised thank you tom

0:22:50 Tom: That was a surprise goosebumps cake we're

0:22:53 Thomas: I'm still getting over the insults that hurled at me.

0:22:55 Tom: Still getting over looking at that cake without context

0:22:58 Thomas: And I was in the park, and according to Eli, I was just a poor. That's all. All.

0:22:59 Eli: Because you do yeah I to

0:23:04 Thomas: Oh, but if you choose to go.

0:23:00 Tom: What

0:23:04 Eli: Be fair I am a poor I just replaced I just placed the column under my house incorrectly I am officially a poor for the next year um so we had the park and but like again it wasn't you and whistles there was no bouncy house there was nothing you know amazing and magical but it was just me and anna sat down and I was like today was an amazing day like today was an incredible day and I and I think to speak to the point that you brought up tom I think so often when that is a kid -centric activity it is the habit of us to say now you tell me it was an amazing day right you make it an amazing day by telling me how wonderful it was and that we don't have to do that we do not have to that to our kids it can be wonderful in the doing

0:23:44 Tom: I I think that's that's very so very very true and I thing too the the other thing I thought of is like I think adults do sometimes themselves and everybody in the family a disservice when we like plan events with the expectations of making memories like oh we're going to do this thing and it's going to be great and like everybody does this to some degree when we get excited about things that's just human nature right like oh I want the day to go like this and then you inject the element of a fucking kid into that equation And kids are like, well, I have maybe a different set of expectations or a different set of like wants and desires out of the day, but they don't know how to necessarily articulate any of that. Expecting sometimes our days or our outings with our kids to look or feel a certain way. And some some of that look and feel is sometimes like really fucking toxic and unrealistic, right? Because it's fed to us by like a lot of narratives about how parenting is going to look and feel that doesn't necessarily have any connection with reality right sometimes it does but sometimes it doesn't and we we go go in like oh we're gonna take the kids to fucking disneyland and it's gonna look and feel like this we're

0:24:49 Tom: Going to have this family smiles time

0:24:49 Eli: I was going to say that as an example me and Anna were getting ready to take Max to Disney and I think I told this on the pod like one of the things that we kept saying is like hey no expectations no expectations because of course secretly and every marketing material is like the happiest moments of your life right here at Disney And

0:25:04 Thomas: If you're not happy here, you're a bad family.

0:25:07 Eli: They're a bad parent and you failed them inherently. Maybe you're incapable of love and it's got the Disney. It's got Mickey shrugging underneath it. Right. And we have so many friends who had that negative experience. And again, we went into it with no expectations. And, again, Again, we had the magical, amazing day, but I think it was partially because we were so insistent with ourselves not to set ourselves up for failure.

0:25:15 Thomas: Man. I do not relate to this at all. And I don't want to say I, absolutely I, not saying, cause this doesn't exist, but I just want to signpost. Like, I don't know why I don t relate to this at all, but my experience of these things with my kids is I feel like I'm never doing enough stuff with them at all times, and when we do these trips, it's just a question of like, okay, how long can I last so that they have fun and I don' t, you know, I'm not like too tired or my back hurts or my whatever, and it's like, I know. I don''t know what accounts for it, but like, they, s usually more about can I get through the day I've never had this I don't know if it's an age thing um I will say there was the aquarium was funny when we went to Monterey Bay I might have mentioned this on the show there was the whole thing I already know that they're gonna love the hotel best of everything you know maybe that's what it is like think I'm like leveling with what their expectations are gonna be because I don't know, maybe that's it, because I just, I really love getting into their little minds, you Know, and like, I just knew, like oh, the hotel is going to be their favorite thing, and I don't, you I don' have an attitude of like, no, you must enjoy the fish, you fucking ingrate, I Don't know you Know and so there was a point in time when we were going through the aquarium, and we had spent you Know a few hours, it was, we had it for the whole day, you Know we had the tickets for the Whole day or whatever, and there came a time maybe like Like, 2, 3 p .m., you know, where both the kids were like, yeah, we go back to the hotel?

0:26:53 Eli: Yeah. Yeah.

0:26:54 Thomas: It was so funny because Lydia and I, we she had, like, kind out basically the second half of an entire fucking day with what we could do at the aquarium or whatever. But it's also so fucking exhausting that both of us looked at each other like. Yeah, yeah, actually let's, uh, yeah. We got to about 3 .00 PM. That was, and we got up super early. So that's enough. We're not trying to prove anything. Like it? What what, do we care? Like, what does it matter? Like? Yeah. Okay. Oh, we bought the tickets. Oh we, whatever. Yeah. But if you force your kids to do stuff when they're too tired, you're just, so you need to be miserable because you bought some tickets that weren't very expensive to an aquarium. So we were just like, yeah! All right. And it was great. Perfect day. Amazing. Perfect day.

0:27:35 Tom: Will call myself out in the opposite direction so I used to be internally but I used to be pretty fucking bad about this and I think I understand why though it's like I think if you're the person responsible for doing all of the planning for something taking on all that responsibility right so you're like you're gonna do this I'm going to make sure all these ducks are in a row and then like you show up and that does inevitably create a sort of narrative in your head of how things are going going to go because you've already done all the planning you've put the timeline together

0:28:06 Thomas: A lot of emotional labor you're doing. Yeah, like for sure. 100%.

0:28:08 Tom: And you've created you've a narrative that's based on a timeline of okay if we leave it this time we'll get there this time the door's open we're going to have lunch here I've already done all this planning and then the kids are like yeah I want to go home early and you're like you know because like not only does it fly in the face of this story that you've told but it's also like but I've done all these things and I've whether it's going to work or not. And I will say like, I have many times found that to be intensely frustrating and I've had to let that go to where I, I, like I, what I tell myself and I tell the family is like, we're not going to have forced fun. We're not doing forced fun, but my family growing up, we were forced fun family. Like if we got someplace, you know, like my dad took us on vacation, which he did every year. He was very good about that. He took us on a family vacation every year usually just drove somewhere but like we did something but like by god

0:28:33 Thomas: That's fair.

0:29:02 Tom: If it's 7 a .m we were up and by 8 o 'clock we're out of the hotel and by eight thirty or nine o 'cluck we're at the event or you know the the experience that we're gonna have and like we're going to fucking do that thing because he took the week off of work and he planned it and he's spending money he doesn't have and get it though like I'm trying it's like I actually empathize with that a lot because like if you're a parent and this is how you're spending the little vacation time you You have you don't get a vacation. You don't get a fucking break. Like this is what you're doing.

0:29:01 Thomas: Some sort of tiling somewhere else.

0:29:15 Eli: Laugh, damn it.

0:29:15 Thomas: Yeah. Yeah that's another thing. Yeah no 100%. Yeah yeah mm -hmm yeah

0:29:31 Eli: Yeah.

0:29:31 Tom: Like you're actually going to do something more stressful.

0:29:32 Eli: Yeah. Often vacation for a parent is harder. Like, it's just actively more stressful. Like, whenever Max has a half day this week, me and Anna were going over it. We two had a schedule. They had a half -day, and I was like, fucking, you gotta take him!

0:29:44 Thomas: It's the worst yeah oh Eli

0:29:49 Eli: You said!

0:29:49 Thomas: They don't do school anymore school is supposed to be school where they go there and they're there remember when And we were in school, we were at school every fucking day forever. It felt like these kids two days a week somehow.

0:29:57 Eli: Every day. Literally, unless the roads were too snow -covered to escape. They were just like, you go to school every day your whole life. And

0:30:05 Thomas: Now it's like in service, in service. In service. And you're like, no, I have to work. Fuck.

0:30:11 Eli: No, we were sending Max to the Jewish preschool, the only thing I really disliked about the at Jewish preschool is they'd be like, so obviously there are no classes this week because of Yom Kippur. And I'd be like, come on! None of us believe this. Not a single person in this room believes this. Why don't we just, guys, huddle up. Huddle up No, it's not Yom Hukhukh, okay?

0:30:17 Thomas: They

0:30:33 Tom: Right.

0:30:33 Eli: Let's just say this year it's not Yon Hukukh. Okay? Come on. Who's in? Hands in the middle. I'm just standing there with my hands solely in the Middle.

0:30:43 Thomas: So true. That's interesting, Tom. When you put it that way, I get it. And I do want to note that once you said that to obviously between us, Lydia is the planner of these things. That's that's how that goes. And I'm never going to make that decision for like I'm ever going to be like, yeah, kids, we're done. Let's get like I always check with her. Like, that's why I said, like, I look to her. And if it's unless she was like, really we wanted to do this thing. Yep. We're sorry, kids. We're doing this thing, but like if Lydia is OK with it, Cause she put in that hard labor of, planning you our schedule then I think in general, for all of us parents lowering the expectations of, you we're going to get done like your point, Tom, less about like, what's the list of check boxes we're going to hit for a day or for a trip and more about like the time and the experience and kind of no forced fun. As you say, I think that serves pretty much everybody better.

0:31:33 Tom: I'll say to like just to add like there's also like the capitalism capitalism trauma element too, where it's like, but I've spent money. I've raise my hand and say, I'm guilty of that. I'm less guilty now, but think guilty ofthat. Like even on like vacations with just Haley and I were, it will be like at the last minute, she was like, well, let's just like lay around the pool. And I'll be like, I spent money, but

0:31:43 Thomas: Depends on how much money Tom's like, I can make myself have fun. I can't make the kids have fun I've decided. It won't make them have fun

0:31:54 Eli: But for that dolphin to be taught your name, and I would love for you to...

0:31:59 Tom: I'll Be like, when I spent my, but I won't say anything. Cause I'm like, no, she's right. Like just relax.

0:32:01 Eli: He doesn't have a soft palate for the H, Haley. I had to pay for him to get a surgery. Could have done a lot with that, buddy, Hale. I need you to see the dolphin say your name. Let me ask you guys a question. Dinner party question.

0:32:18 Thomas: Right, nevermind. End the episode. Do

0:32:20 Tom: Is leave

0:32:20 Eli: Everyone else is going to enjoy it this is the default right if you could do anything on your vacation with your family what would you do

0:32:30 Tom: Him home

0:32:33 Thomas: I get to not work?

0:32:34 Tom: No

0:32:35 Eli: Yeah yeah no again so everyone's going to enjoy it and you get to pick your ideal vacation you don't have to worry about money you don'T have to worry about time you DON'T have to worry about any of that stuff what would you actually do you

0:32:37 Thomas: Do I get to not working? So, in a very, I think, different phase of life than Tom. And this is not a judgment of you, Tom, because I totally get that impulse.

0:32:48 Eli: Still love your kids

0:32:48 Tom: Weird

0:32:49 Thomas: Yeah, exactly. No. Genuinely, genuinely, I would take him to Disneyland. Love I to have a trip, a single trip in my fucking life where I'm not working the entire time, where all All I have to do is like get up and have fun with the kids and then like, you know, obviously negotiate the days, whatever, like the pain of the hunger and the complaining and the walking and everything that, you know, but that's I fine. I mind that if I could do that without feeling the immense pressure of work, that would be my dream. Like, honestly, I would I want to do that so badly. We the point where once the lawsuit ended um literally looked at the schedule and I was like when can we disneyland and I looked at like the schedule that's like how busy it is I'll have you know I did a slight amount of planning work sort of which is that I went and found the website that's yeah I

0:33:36 Tom: Whoa what have you done with our thomas smith

0:33:40 Eli: He's getting his vasectomy me yeah

0:33:43 Thomas: I lost thomas in the settlement that's the thing no um I uh I

0:33:45 Eli: You and me both baby you and me both it's

0:33:48 Thomas: Um looked at the thing there's a you know a couple websites to track like how how big will the crowds be because when it's hot and crowded in disneyland it's actually fucking miserable it's the worst and

0:33:59 Eli: Awesome it's awesome all the time in Disneyland it's perfect there all the time 9

0:34:00 Thomas: It's really not you don't know a hundred degree heat in crowded disney land is just like you're gonna die like it'stheworst anyway so I was looking up what's the what'sthe least populated kind of time and it sucks because we just missed it all yeah 9 -11 2001 actually we have to go back no we just missed it like it's because now obviously kids are out for the summer so that's like when everyone does trips but the first weekend in September I guess must be when everybody goes back to school or something and I was checking with Lydia I was like do our kids go back to school and it's like no they they go back school a couple weeks before that so fucking we can just pull them right back out and it doesn't matter because Because it's kindergarten and first and second grade. Jesus.

0:34:15 Eli: -11 yeah yeah it actually never matters fun fact it never matters my sister made it through the entire of like public schooling just leaving for a month and every year we'd be like this is probably the last year she can do that and we would just be like hey she doesn't want to go to school this month and they'd be like I I mean yeah do learn math while you're gone and we were like does she and they were like no no doesn't really matter

0:34:46 Thomas: Maybe in college. Do these handouts. Yeah. She won't. Yeah.

0:35:06 Tom: I was joking about mine earlier like I I would hate taking all the kids together but I'd love to do a one -on -one vacation um that's because like the kids are so in ages that honestly trying to find something that's fun yeah I'm gonna do I got a 17 almost 18 year old a 17 year old 13 year old and a nine year old I can't even think of where we would go where they would all really get into it and like be able to do the thing is like Disneyland I brought it up they're not into it like they don't want to go yeah they've never been Disneyland people

0:35:15 Thomas: That'd be fun. Yeah. Yeah, for sure.

0:35:15 Eli: You and finn yeah and interests yeah pole dancer disneyland you everybody

0:35:32 Thomas: Yeah. Really? I don't think they know how good Disneyland is.

0:35:41 Eli: Loves loves Disneyland.

0:35:42 Thomas: It's actually pretty fucking sweet, man.

0:35:43 Eli: It's perfect for all ages because

0:35:44 Thomas: Yeah, it really is. This is coming from me, Tom Curry. This is coming from me it's it's actually pretty fucking sweet like there's a lot of stuff for everybody

0:35:45 Tom: Laughing laughing

0:35:46 Eli: It's the happiest place on earth. Listen to Thomas. Thomas is saying this. He hasn't felt joy since 2014. And he's like, no, Disneyland's pretty nice.

0:35:59 Thomas: 2005

0:35:57 Tom: Laughing but like I think what I'd love to do is just take each of them on a small trip like take each one of them out someplace that like matches their interests and even if it was just like a long weekend end for each of them um like I can't imagine that Amon's gonna want to do the same thing as Aislinn who's gonna do the samething as Donovan who's going to do same thing as Finn and vice versa all around like would just be the idea of like trying to satisfy that many people's needs for a week I mean it sounds genuinely terrible it does it sounds that sounds like the worst experience for everybody I don't think there's a way to do it but I think like taking them all out highly and and I've talked about this before the world sort of of like ended in 2020. And then, you know, like we had some health issues, but like, that's, I think what we'd want to do is just take them all on individual trips that kind of match their interests, you knows, take Aislinn to go see the cherry

0:36:01 Thomas: Actually that's the last time felt joy yeah pull dancing

0:36:46 Tom: Blossoms in Washington, DC. She'd love to see that.

0:36:47 Thomas: Championship of the oh boring

0:36:49 Tom: So, you Know, things like that. Something that matches who they are and what they want.

0:36:52 Thomas: Shit like that yeah like totally watching

0:36:54 Tom: Yeah. That sounds, that sounds like not my idea of, of my favorite day, but, but she, she wants to do it she wants to do it so

0:36:56 Thomas: Fucking paint dry yeah exactly it's great

0:36:59 Eli: Well, there they are. Should we turn back around and drive through the 17 hours of traffic it took us to get here? Or should I just lay down on the cool stone of the Washington Monument and hope that I return to the Earth and am reborn as a creature that didn't have to do this.

0:37:22 Eli: It's like my dad did I ever tell you guys about the time my dad me to World Yu -Gi -Oh! Championships?

0:37:30 Thomas: Whoa, no.

0:37:30 Eli: Yeah, they were in New York and I was

0:37:32 Tom: I learned there are world Yu -Gi -Oh championships

0:37:33 Eli: And this was like the third one ever I was like 10 or whatever the fuck it is and I was like I don't go yugioh and it was in new york he was like all right we'll drive three and a half hours and get a hotel room and go to the yuglioh tournaments and like father was so good about so many things he was rippling with hatred the entire time

0:37:39 Thomas: That's fucking awesome. Because this is like a Magic the Gathering thing, essentially.

0:37:55 Eli: It it was the trading card card game, he had no idea how the trading card game worked.

0:37:56 Thomas: But like a younger crowd of that, right? Oh,

0:38:01 Eli: He, every time I tried to teach him, I'd be like, well, you see dad, he's playing his blue eyes, white dragon. And that over there is his chim cham mafwamabwam. And it's actually a tribute to the show. And my dad would be like I'm dying. I'm physically dying. My body is shutting down in an attempt not to be here, but I will never forget, I will never forget he stood in line for me to get an autograph from here's how much I fucking suck to wrap it all together I don't remember who, I don'T remember what it was, I know that there was a tournament going on and the wait in line to get a autograph was two and a half hours, and dad was like oh you can watch the tournament, I'll stand in line for two and half hours and he came over with this autographed card for me and he was like yeah no No, I just waited in line and got the guy to sign it. Here you go. And I was like so amazed at it. And again, this is what a shitball I am. No idea what that card is. I lost it. It's

0:38:16 Thomas: Man. Yeah. How would you? Yeah. Oh

0:38:55 Eli: Gone. I just lost interest. I'm sure I lost interest eight seconds later.

0:38:55 Thomas: That's more like a me it's like a me thing yeah

0:38:59 Eli: Yeah. And it's gone, it's Gone Forever.

0:39:00 Thomas: But that's great that your dad did that before before smartphones yeah

0:39:03 Eli: No, he didn't have TikTok. There was no sexy dances.

0:39:06 Thomas: How the you just went and stood boy that's some real Tom Curry shit right there Tom

0:39:08 Eli: Yeah, he just stood there like a prisoner of war. Yeah.

0:39:19 Eli: All right, gentlemen, before we go, my niece calls me her ankle, Eli, lie but that's only fair because I call her my knees knees knees are the body part so her ankle they're not all good all

0:39:29 Thomas: Know but what oh

0:39:41 Clip: Want to meet sexy DILFs in your area? Email the dads at DearOldDads .com or, better yet, send us a message on Patreon. You can follow us on all social media by checking the links in the show notes. And if you need more podcasts in your life, you can find Tom on Cognitive Dissonance, Thomas on Serious Inquiries Only, and Eli on Godawful Movies and all the Puzzle in the Thunderstorm shows. Dear Old Dads is edited and produced by my favorite DILf, tom smith who also wrote and recorded the intro music which is used with his permission this podcast is a production of daddy issues llc copyright 2022 all rights reserved

0:40:21 Eli: It's not Yon Hukukh. Okay?