DOD109: There's an App for That

Transcript

This transcript was generated automatically and may contain errors — the audio is the record.

0:00:00 Eli: Everybody! Really sorry, but before we jump into the show, I wanted to offer an apology and an explanation about something that happened a few weeks ago. So, a month ago, Tom used the term "Twinkie Bus" to refer to the bus he went to school on, and I made a joke about being afraid that it was an old-timey insult. It's not, don't worry.

And then I called back to that joke by using old-timey insults that I knew from the musical "Show Boat" and from a Key and Peele sketch the following week. The point being, we don't want to say offensive things on air. That was the point of the joke. But out of context, or for people who weren't listening or listened out of order, it seemed like I was just using slang for the sake of being 16th century edgy, I guess.

And look, even though I like to think that our audience understands where I stand on that kind of stuff, I want to stay for the record that if I used that slang and that it meant that I value you less as a person or harbor secret hatred in my heart for you and yours, then I am genuinely, genuinely sorry. That's on me.

That's my part for understanding that the content was understood and I want to be very clear that it will not happen again and just want to say like, when I fuck up, I want to own it. And using a term that could offend and then assuming everyone knows what I mean and my positions, like, that makes me really sad to hear I've ever hurt someone's feelings, right?

The intention of this show and all of our shows is always to make you laugh and make you feel safe and loved. And when I fail at that, I wanna be clear, there's nobody to blame name, but me. So apologies to anybody who felt ostracized or uptacked or even just cringed at that moment. It won't happen on the show again. And let's do the podcast.

0:02:13 Tom: To Dear Old Dads, the only podcast without in-app purchases, I'm Tom Curry. I'm joined as always by Thomas Smith and Eli Bosnick. Hello, gentlemen.

0:02:23 Eli: Are the auto ads the in -app purchases of podcasting?

0:02:24 Thomas: Yeah. I was Just thinking, yeah, I, I uh, you do have. I should give them the in-app ability to buy out of the auto ads. That I should do, that actually, okay.

0:02:27 Eli: Oh, if we had a pop -up to for end the auto adds, we'd be millionaires overnight. Night. Wait,

0:02:36 Thomas: We Actually, can do that, so I will, little, yeah.

0:02:39 Eli: What, Thomas?

0:02:40 Thomas: Well, at least in, I, in Apple Podcasts, we can have them sign on to that. I, I need to do it for all of our shows and I just haven't done it.

0:02:46 Eli: I Literally, this, hey, everybody, we're gonna talk about apps or something, it's over now, we're going to sit in silence while Thomas figures out this 84 billion dollar idea.

0:02:51 Thomas: You know, I programmed this. In Yeah.

0:02:58 Eli: I listened to our show, and if it popped up in my car and was like, "Hey, you want to," I would, I would give me 90, I'll give you guys 33 cents each to end the auto ads when I listen to it. All

0:03:08 Thomas: Uh, it's Our master plan. All right. Someone's playing a fucking 80s guitar solo in your house, Don. Whoa.

0:03:14 Eli: Yeah.

0:03:11 Tom: You Know I'm, I'm sorry, I've got contractors literally upstairs that are that are, yeah, they are.

0:03:18 Thomas: In a cover band. No. They had some

0:03:21 Eli: They needed a place to rehearse.

0:03:21 Thomas: Sort of drill or tool. Yeah. They had some power tool going that really did sound like a shredding solo for a second. It was like meow, meow, meow, meow.

0:03:28 Eli: It really did like a... Yeah, I like it.

0:03:30 Tom: So Not ideal, it is not ideal. They were supposed to be in out and already done. It's terrible. It showed up 40 minutes late, so, so, um,

0:03:37 Thomas: Guy pops his head through the door. He's got a headband and like long hair. Hey, sorry, man. I just we'll be done soon.

0:03:42 Eli: Hey, do you want to fuck to this music?

0:03:44 Tom: Is my contractor is slash not your contractor. I thought ever slash was everybody's contract. He's probably a contractor now.

0:03:48 Thomas: Yeah.

0:03:48 Eli: Oh, man. Things have really gotten bad for Alice in Chains, huh? He's just like, Your sink is leaking! Come on! I know it's not. That wasn't the tune for an Alice in Chain song. Thank you, everybody. Anybody.

0:03:55 Thomas: Oh, god. That that hurts. Yeah, thank you. Thank you. Appreciate

0:04:00 Eli: Please let the emails go. Let the email, let me retire in peace.

0:03:53 Tom: I do just, I do

0:04:01 Thomas: That Yeah, you're getting to apologize to me. Uh, you're

0:04:06 Eli: Think I was doing, what's the, it ain't easy. What was that song?

0:04:08 Thomas: Doing. Oh, I thought you were doing AC/DC by the sound, but I don't. Oh, oh, my god.

0:04:11 Eli: Unfortunate son, something son. That's what I was

0:04:14 Thomas: That's Credence.

0:04:14 Eli: Doing.

0:04:15 Thomas: You're that is that is a, wow, okay. It's

0:04:14 Tom: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

0:04:15 Eli: Credence. Yeah. And I just want to say for the record on air, and this is from my heart and I'll never retract it. Credance and Alice in Chains are the same band to me.

0:04:18 Thomas: Like a 60s band that

0:04:27 Eli: There you go. Now we don't have to worry about any listeners, there's every, yeah,

0:04:27 Tom: Oh my God. That's no, in

0:04:27 Thomas: Is the slash. Isn't involved in either of them is the thing.

0:04:32 Tom: Any of these.

0:04:33 Thomas: Yeah, not even close. Oh,

0:04:33 Tom: No, absolutely not. Yeah, you guys for any of your pod, because this is, I'm going to embarrass myself here. Did you guys, for any of your shows, at any point, develop an app for your podcast and think that this was going to be like how people were, Cogdiss did this. This to be a Cogddiss app.

0:04:46 Thomas: Really how do I not have the Cogdiss app, I oh my

0:04:51 Eli: You don't have, I still have the Cog dis app, they took it down, they uh, they took it down. Thank god. Uh, I, you can take any old app and put it into TestPilot so you don't get Flappy Bird in, and so I literally have the one porn app that ever made it onto the iTunes store and the Cogdiss app. Mm -hmm, it's

0:04:52 Tom: Do you still have it? Does it still work?

0:04:52 Thomas: God.

0:05:06 Tom: Oh my God, I love it.

0:05:10 Thomas: That's that's perfect combination nation.

0:05:12 Tom: Remember telling Seesaw, I was like, dude, this is how people consume everything, man. We got to get an app.

0:05:16 Thomas: Yeah,

0:05:17 Eli: The way of the future. Fuck,

0:05:18 Thomas: Yeah,

0:05:17 Tom: And this was so many years ago, I don't, like, I, this had to be, this is probably almost 10 years ago at this point, like this is a long time ago but, yeah, you used to be able to get, and it was free, you used be able get the cog this app on your phone, so Not anymore.

0:05:32 Eli: Yeah, it's a beautiful thing.

0:05:25 Thomas: Yeah, that's awesome. It was a convenient place to get, checks notes, the exact same thing you could get in Apple Podcast or Pod, yes, Addict, or any other thing.

0:05:37 Tom: Know, Like, yeah, it

0:05:38 Eli: Do guys know about a WholeFucker9000, were you, or were we around, or I'm So glad you asked, Tom. So, here's the thing, you can make a, welcome to our parenting show, everybody, so you website, a shortcut on someone's iPhone, right? So you just go, and then when you're in Safari you go plus, add shortcut to home screen, so that if you've got a thing that you just like, like, a website you always go to that doesn't have an app. So I was like, hey, you know what I need to do? I, I say there's an app for Scathing Atheist, but it's actually just a shortcut with our logo that leads people to wholefucker9000.com,

0:05:44 Tom: Me, whole Fucker9000, what? Is this, what is this child and family show, about right now,

0:05:49 Thomas: Gotta make the kids somehow, Tom,

0:06:00 Tom: Oh,

0:06:21 Eli: Is sadly a now defunct hole selling website, which was really funny.

0:06:21 Tom: My god, glory

0:06:25 Thomas: Selling does it sell the whole itself, yeah,

0:06:27 Tom: Hole selling website? What what is it just a drill attachment? How

0:06:30 Thomas: Yeah.

0:06:30 Eli: Yes, they sold they sold holes holes for glory holes. And they were like, no, look, we got the cum catcher right here.

0:06:36 Tom: Do you sell a hole,

0:06:36 Thomas: Is it like slightly a little bit like it's got a little bit of a thing for the dick vein? Like that's the only customization.

0:06:43 Eli: Yeah. You've never gotten a splinter from a glory hole before? And it shows. It fucking shows. Wake up.

0:06:52 Thomas: I would assume at that point you bring your own like sander with you to.

0:06:57 Eli: Yeah. Can't just stick through your a picket fence, okay, Tom. Oh, what's his name not Huck Finn, Huck Fins, not Tom Sawyer. Thank you.

0:07:01 Tom: So says You, Tom Sawyer.

0:07:07 Thomas: Yeah, you convince everyone to whitewash these dicks. Yeah.

0:07:10 Eli: And He sucked them, and then you sucked up that's actually, people don't know that, that's actually how that story goes, um, but they redacted it because they're afraid of the truth, they're afraid of I have no idea what we were going to talk, apps, yes. Hey, But You know, the only thing worse than the fact that Tom Sawyer is public content and that I can make a website about him, him whitewashing a bunch of dicks, it's the auto ads. And hey, by the time you're listening to this, look down at your iPhone. You see that little pop-up? That's a pop-up that Thomas Smith created in between episodes. Let's face it, this dude's got nothing going on. We need to fill his hours a little bit more. Enough lazing around the house, Tommy boy. It's time for an app. Anyways, if you'd like to subscribe to our app, you can't, because that's a stupid idea that Tom had, but

0:07:22 Tom: Apps, we were talking about apps.

0:07:55 Eli: You can support the show over at patreon.com/dearolddads, where this month's bonus episode is actually, you know, Tom's read some blogs before. It's him reading my Tom, wait, how old's Tom Sawyer in those books?

0:08:08 Tom: I Don't know offhand. Probably 12, 13.

0:08:09 Thomas: Uh, He's probably Probably like 13.

0:08:11 Eli: Adult Tom Sawyers fan fiction is what you can hear as the bonus. No, we've got lots of things. You get a commercial -free, extra -long version of every single episode. A little parenting story at the end when Tom feels like participating. And a monthly bonus episode as well. At this point, we have been doing this show for so many months. You've got a lifetime. That's right. A lifetime of bonus content waiting for you. Because if you become a patron today, you'll die in 48 hours. And I'm sorry, but Baba Yaga told me that. So you got to wait till tomorrow.

0:08:11 Thomas: Yeah, Yeah,

0:08:15 Tom: Okay.

0:08:42 Eli: Don't become a Patreon today.

0:08:42 Tom: It's like the ring you know.

0:08:44 Eli: Do it tomorrow. Patreon.com/dearolddads. Do it tomorrow or Baba Yag will come and kill you.

0:08:52 Thomas: Auto ad crawling out of a TV, ah, do

0:08:54 Eli: Yeah. That's how I feel every time I get one. To talk about the important stuff. It's So my son, as I mentioned a few episodes ago, now goes to public schools. Have I failed him? Yes. Max, if you're listening in the future from your prison cell, it all started here. I'm so sorry.

0:09:12 Thomas: You want to just do your next apology now and we put it, cut it into the

0:09:15 Eli: We just get it all out of the way. Yeah. So sorry that we sent you to public school, but that means that I have joined the app first, the app verse of children's school apps. Apps, uh, the one that I have connected, connect to my son's school is Classroom Dojo. It's There's nothing in to the universe like final phase of capitalism than the premium features. Notifications, I get on my son school notifications, app.

0:09:26 Tom: Welcome, are you

0:09:40 Thomas: Oh, man, Jesus Christ. Oh,

0:09:42 Tom: Serious what the fuck is a premium, can you buy grades? Like, you can just, you know, move them in advance, all

0:09:43 Eli: Yep. Yep. It feels like it. Yeah. So if you want to know whether or not the teacher has seen your message, if you want like a red notification, that's a premium feature.

0:09:53 Thomas: My god, I would. Oh my God, poor teachers. These poor teachers, and they're not getting a cut of that, so

0:09:57 Eli: Yep. Yep if

0:10:00 Tom: Right, so you obviously signed up for this premium feature though, by

0:10:01 Eli: Of percent. Of course.

0:10:04 Thomas: Of course, I mean, it's probably like what, 99? Yeah.

0:10:06 Eli: No, it doesn't matter what it was because they actually got me and Anna in the exact same way. They sent us a notification that It was like, your teacher has posted five stories already. Check them out here. And I was like oh, there are pictures of my son that I'm not seeing because I'm not on

0:10:08 Thomas: It doesn't really matter, they're

0:10:08 Tom: No,

0:10:21 Thomas: Selling you your own pictures of your oh my God, this is brilliant.

0:10:23 Eli: My own pictures.

0:10:24 Tom: That's fucking great, you

0:10:24 Thomas: Yeah,

0:10:24 Eli: Now, it's actually better than that because it wasn't pictures I hadn't seen. They were just pretending that they were pictures I had not seen to get me to sign up. And can I say, they na -na-na, nailed it. So, yeah, now I'm a premium Class Dojo member, member, um,

0:10:31 Thomas: Oh, boy. It worked. That's that is, wow, Jodo

0:10:41 Tom: Know it can also be pronounced Jodo, just by the way, that's that's also perfectly fine, yeah, yeah, oh,

0:10:44 Thomas: Jesus,

0:10:44 Eli: Yeah, yeah, exactly a premium Jodo member. So I figured we all have kids, what apps are y'all working with and how do they affect your child-rearing abilities? Yeah,

0:10:53 Tom: God, wait, like, the kids, are like, the thing is, I've got four kids in four different schools across two different districts, so I have literally every possible app, there are no apps, yeah, I like, it well, I've got a Windows phone with one of them, yeah, like there's a fucking Blackberry somewhere for one of, um, yeah, it's Soon, a fucking Soon, Zune, Amen.

0:10:59 Thomas: You have, like, eight phones. Some of them only work on Android, some only work an iPhone, some, we're going to flip phones. Yeah. Zune.

0:11:15 Eli: If you don't have the Zune unlimited subscription, uh, gets kicked out of school, cool. Eamon gets kicked out, that's what they said. Yeah, you have the Zune full-time subscription.

0:11:28 Tom: For Aislan and for Donovan, they are on something called Power School, and then for I, know, it's

0:11:34 Eli: Don't love it. Don't Love It.

0:11:35 Tom: No, I do not love it. And And then for Finn and for Amen, they're on Home Access is what it's called, which is a fucking weird name, like you think you're gonna like set your thermostat or some shit, instead of check your kid's grades, home.

0:11:48 Thomas: Oh, God. Yeah. Do you have those apps? I mean, separate topic apologies, but there are a few apps in my life, probably like three. And this could be because of my dumb brain where my brain cannot grasp or remember what the name of it is. And I know like, oh, I need to go, go to the app. My brain says, go the app where you change the fucking thermostat, for example, whatever.

0:12:09 Eli: Mm -hmm.

0:12:09 Thomas: And my brain's like, Oh yeah, I think that's called something, something. And it's not close. And I will never get it. I will, I access it 40 times a month and I can't ever remember. There's like a record groove. That's like something in my brain, like a CD or is to be slightly more modern. Oh no, that's actually records are now more modern than CDs. They've come back around so vinyl is actually kids probably know more about vinyl than cds but

0:12:17 Tom: Oh yeah, I

0:12:18 Eli: Yeah, yeah,

0:12:34 Tom: Just got a record player the other day as a matter of fact, no,

0:12:35 Eli: Mm -hmm,

0:12:35 Thomas: Yeah, but it's like there's a scratch in my brain where it already, I used to have that on a lot of my CDs, where I knew the place in the song where it'd be like, and and it would like skip to like a different part of the song, I just go with it. It's my brain for these apps, where I'm like, how many times do I do this exact interaction with my phone, and it'll never change, it'll never happen. No, can't

0:12:43 Eli: Yeah. Yeah so

0:12:53 Tom: You can't remember it. Yeah, you cannot, you're not allowed, your brain is like, I will not store this in the RAM.

0:12:56 Thomas: Be done. No,

0:12:58 Eli: Me read some of these app titles to you. So I love smart stuff but I am, it's tough to admit this on there, I am a poor. And so instead of having like one cohesive brand that runs all my things, I just buy stuff on sale. So I have six apps that control all the smart things in my house. But listen to these app names and tell me if you have any clue what these are too.

0:13:21 Eli: My Leviton, Atomi Smart, Misa, LG Think with a Q.

0:13:20 Thomas: Idea

0:13:24 Tom: That's for your lights, that's für your refrigerator, oh,

0:13:32 Eli: Govie, home, and this is my favorite one, FG lair.

0:13:27 Thomas: What

0:13:32 Tom: I'm doing good, uh, that's for the dungeon.

0:13:40 Eli: That is for the dungeon. Yeah, that's the sex dungeon. That warms the edges of the glory hole.

0:13:39 Thomas: Oh, You got a smart dungeon, fuck, I to get a smart dungeon, I'll

0:13:44 Tom: Yeah, wifi spreader bars and shit.

0:13:47 Thomas: Be honest, I'm still in the 17th century over here with my non-smart dungeon.

0:13:52 Eli: If you don't have a self -adjusting rack, you are not putting someone in a T -pose, can I tell you?

0:13:54 Thomas: Oh, it has presets, and then you're like, oh shit, I hit the wrong preset. He said, just ripped in half.

0:14:01 Eli: Right, yeah, and then someone comes to stay and they fuck up your sex dungeon and you're like, aw, man! Is the seat so high?

0:14:04 Thomas: Yeah.

0:14:07 Tom: Will say, like, for for Finn and for Amen, the goddamn home access is not an app, it's a website that was coded, I think, in the year 1855. And you open it up, it has no optimized version for your mobile device at all. And

0:14:18 Thomas: Yeah. Tom, I'm going to make you feel either better or worse. It was actually coded recently by someone who was able to bullshit their way into that contract is what happened.

0:14:31 Eli: Yeah. Should

0:14:32 Tom: Yeah, that's, that's how it is. They have two entirely different problems with Power School. It's very easy to see the kids' grades, it's very difficult to see upcoming assignments. For home access, it's very easy to see all the Assignements, and it's like fucking, like, five button presses to get to their goddamn grades. It, this is the, all I want to see is what are the assignments, how do they do, is there anything missing, what are their grades. I literally can't imagine that any parent cares about anything different than that, and I just, like, I'll open home access and I'll just be like, I don't know, man, maybe you don't go to college, and I just close it. I don't know what to do, like, it's just, I'm baffled.

0:15:09 Thomas: Yeah. Okay. What, live in the 23rd century or something, something. Should there be any apps, or app, or apps, and if so, what do, should they do? No, No.

0:15:20 Eli: There be apps at all? Oh.

0:15:22 Thomas: About, about your kid's school, like, for your kid. So what, what would you, actually, is it like, could there be one where you conceive of it and you're like, that would be awesome, that'd be super helpful, or is it like just fucking do the old-timey books and

0:15:25 Tom: No.

0:15:34 Tom: There should be an app. I, like, I want to see their attendance. I want to see their grades. I Don't, yeah, my kids, no, one's taking pictures.

0:15:38 Eli: I Want Pics, I'm all about the pics, yeah.

0:15:36 Thomas: Well, That, yeah, we have young kids, So ours, mine is Also, I didn't even bother with mine, we have, I didn't download an app, but but we have something like that, that I get emails auto-emailed to me with pictures of the kids. And that's good enough for me.

0:15:44 Tom: Yeah. Right. Yeah.

0:15:45 Eli: Yeah. Yeah.

0:15:54 Tom: I'm, I actually just logged in right now to home access, and like, part of me wants to take a picture of this and send this to you, guys, it's that bad, it's so bad, I'm looking at it and like, I feel a little sick to my stomach just staring at it. Like, I've got two kids, and try to toggle between the kids, it just automatically defaults to Finn, and sometimes I just, I'll stare at it and be like, I can't figure out how to get to Amon's shit

0:16:00 Thomas: Oh God.

0:16:06 Eli: Yeah.

0:16:17 Eli: No.

0:16:17 Thomas: No, it did a questionnaire that was like, which is your favorite kid. And you don't remember that.

0:16:21 Eli: And that's your Home Kit, you set one kid as your home screen, and then you have to get the premium subscription to get your second Kid.

0:16:26 Thomas: Yeah. It's like, do you want to add another other kid.

0:16:27 Eli: Yeah. Important.

0:16:28 Tom: Like, Imagine this, though, like, when you open it up, the first, the landing page, when you open this thing up, tells me, I'm just going to tell you some of the information on the landing pages, you tell me if this would be the most important information that you would want to land on for your kid's landing page. Social security number, ethnicity, ethnicity, meal status, uh, guardian that's the primary information, oh, language and locker number.

0:16:42 Thomas: Okay. Are

0:16:50 Eli: To Amen, I

0:16:56 Thomas: Logged in as an administrator or something? Like that sounds like stuff that other people need.

0:16:58 Tom: It brings me to the demographic, the landing page upon login brings me to my son's demographic bio. Like, I, as the parent, don't know his fucking demographics. Graphics.

0:17:03 Thomas: Yeah. Often I have to be like, ah, hun, what race are our kids again? And then she's like, fucking, I don't know. Actually she knows, but she won't tell me. Cause like I should have remembered. So she's Like, I dunno, why don't you check the app? But I'm like, fucking just tell me the race of our kids. I can't remember. And then I go into the app and then, so that's, I find that really useful, Tom. I don't know what you're talking about.

0:17:14 Eli: Was gonna say,

0:17:30 Tom: I've gotta tell you this too, because like, then if I click on the attendance, so the attendance thing is color coded. Okay. So it's color code. It shows you one month at a time. And and it's hideous. It's actually absolutely the most hideous thing you've ever seen. It'S color coded and these are the color codings, gray state reporting, present do not use. Then a dark blue is court, I guess, for the kids that are absent for going to court. Then there's a different color that I don't know what color that is, some kind of green -blue, district absence. Then, there's green that says homebound, not receiving services. Then there's the green that just says lunch. Not colored in on any of my kids' days.

0:17:50 Eli: Interesting. Sure. Obviously No.

0:18:09 Thomas: Lunch.

0:18:10 Eli: They know, Amen.

0:18:11 Tom: Presumably, You can

0:18:11 Eli: Okay.

0:18:12 Thomas: Yeah. I was going to say, yeah, yeah,

0:18:12 Tom: Call in, like, yeah, my kid's not going to go to school today, uh, the reason is lunch, I guess, would be that answer.

0:18:17 Thomas: I was gonna say you,

0:18:17 Eli: Again, If

0:18:18 Thomas: You log in, there's like weeks of absences that just say lunch and you're just like, yeah.

0:18:20 Eli: Yeah. Yeah. That's what Remy's report is gonna look like.

0:18:24 Thomas: It's going to be.

0:18:24 Eli: Are you kidding?

0:18:25 Thomas: Yep. Yep, Yep.

0:18:22 Tom: Then There's a then THERE'S AN INSANE COLOR THAT'S UH, I DON'T KNOW, IT'S LIKE A BURGANY, THAT SAYS DETENTION CENTER SLASH JAIL, THEN THERE'S A GRAY THAT JUST SAYS REFOCUS, I DON'T KNOW WHAT REFOGUS FUCKING MEANS, THEN THERE'S PINK, CONTACT, UNEXCUSED, TRUANT, and then there's yellow, administrative absence. So I get a calendar that pops up in front of me that, instead of telling me like, oh, your kid cut sixth period on Thursday, or like, hey, in sick on Tuesday the 9th, instead I have this color-coded color legend key chart full of like jail options and like didn't attend school

0:18:33 Eli: Sure. Donovan, Refocus? Oh. I love that. Yeah.

0:19:01 Thomas: Yeah. I'm

0:19:04 Tom: Because of lunch today.

0:19:05 Thomas: I'm sorry. On there, was there, like, sick? Did I miss it? The main reasons that kids miss stuff that are not there.

0:19:08 Tom: No, no, I read everything to you guys, I swear to God, yeah, yeah. Well, no, wait, I'm wrong, oh, it's even worse, guys, and I'm not going to go through it because it's boring for everybody, so those same colors.

0:19:19 Thomas: It's like a page two.

0:19:20 Tom: Yes, no, no, no, I did, I actually didn't read, so if I, if I look at it, the color legend for all those colors is replicated one, two, three, four places, and each color can be one of four different things. So for example, that, that one could be field trip, lunch, detention, district absence, or excused from assigned school location. This is how clear this fucking website is. So like, my kid, on the 16th, Tuesday the 16th, has, like, Finn has a pink, pink color, which means that he was either tardy or late to school, cut a class, had a contact, unexcused, or truant absence, or early pickup or early leave, one of those, one

0:19:22 Eli: I Mean different things, I

0:19:25 Thomas: Yeah.

0:19:47 Eli: Love that one.

0:20:04 Tom: Of those things. This is the the worst I

0:20:04 Eli: Of those things, and

0:20:06 Thomas: And there's a man's beating heart under your floorboards that we all can hear.

0:20:10 Eli: Here's what I think would be the hardest about that, right, I how hard it would be to have your child go to prison, but I feel like it really wouldn't help to open their school app and to see, like, yeah, no, I know they were in prison for the last three months. Yes. No, they, um, Charlize did shoot her dad and she couldn't make it into school. So yeah, No, I would, we don't need this. I'm like, Oh wow.

0:20:13 Tom: Have no idea what's happening, I'm sorry, guys, I know it's so loud.

0:20:24 Thomas: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, report says prison, all these years later, just like they have to, oh,

0:20:41 Eli: Innocent everybody, by the way, completely innocent.

0:20:43 Thomas: Jesus, Christ, well,

0:20:44 Tom: So, I feel you with these goddamn apps. I cannot, I click on the grades, I know we're on here, can I possibly understand what these grades might be? I have no idea what these grades are, it's all a series of bizarre symbols and runes, I have no idea. Power School is much better, I will say Power school.

0:20:55 Eli: Yeah. But

0:21:03 Tom: School is. Much better.

0:21:03 Eli: Yeah, I don't like when the app is too slick because Because Class Dojo is slick. It's slick. There's like UI going on here. And like, since I've learned a little bit about app development and it's all like Skinnerian mind control, there's a part of me that's like, I don't really want to be motivated to check notifications through like my fucking hypothalamus of a thing. There's something about it being the Space Jam website that's comforting to me.

0:21:21 Tom: Yeah.

0:21:29 Thomas: Here's what, I, so Tom, it sounds like yours is done through the, is school like that, sounds more governmenty or something, exactly, the district, so it, of them are bad for different reasons. You really need some, something in the middle, you know, 'cause like Eli's version is some fucking, uh, the fit Mark Zuckerberg, like Elon Musk wannabe. He's like, all right, we're, he just did like a fucking line of coke, and he comes into the board meeting. He is like, we are going to change the way kids do education. You know, he's got like a whole speech like that.

0:21:35 Tom: This believe this is the district website, which, yeah, it's the worst thing you've ever seen.

0:22:01 Eli: 1 ,000 % yes. Mm-hmm.

0:22:03 Thomas: And you're just like, fucking, I don't need that. Like just do school.

0:22:06 Eli: Yeah. No.

0:22:07 Thomas: And then Tom's when it's government that nobody knows anything. And, and if someone does, not, they're they don't get to have like a singular say, like I've worked in government. There'll be a group of people in charge of coordinating, finding someone to contract for that.

0:22:01 Tom: Right, I

0:22:23 Thomas: And, yeah, like no one person is like bad or anything, but it's just too many hands, too many cooks or whatever, too many, you know, and like, it the programmer probably bullshit his way into, wait, is that a real bullshit? I've done, I've never said that before, but he

0:22:22 Eli: He was. You He Bullshatted

0:22:35 Tom: Bullshit Yeah I Like this

0:22:36 Eli: In, he Engaged In bullshattery, it's

0:22:39 Thomas: Bullshit his Way into the contract because it's so easy to convince people. Eli doesn't know code or programming. It's very easy to just convince them that you're, programming you God. Like it's not even hard. If they know know anything it's impossible because you

0:22:50 Eli: If The General public were aware of how much code on anything you admire is stolen from other code, it, it would Be like learning, oh, I would say somewhere between 75 and 80 of the Mona Lisa was painted by other art nerds and exactly uh that is what it is, like, also, Thomas, you can attest this, the great thing is, like, even if you do have a Thomas right, where it's like, "Thomas, you know how to develop apps." "Absolutely, I can develop an app, it'll be great." They're like, "Great, so I'm gonna put you and Kathy on this." "Oh, no, no, um, Kathy tried to call her son on her calculator last Christmas and then cried when he didn't answer, do you comfort her and show her how to use the phone again." They're like, "Yeah, no, you're going to report to Kathy and get Kathy's feedback." And she looks at the app that Tom is developing and she's like, "Oh, I don't, I know where the color codes are."

0:23:00 Thomas: Yeah other ninja turtles yeah turtles da vinci's Yeah,

0:23:44 Eli: Can you do this three other places?

0:23:44 Thomas: How can I tell when my kid's in prison?

0:23:49 Eli: I don't You know, Joshua's still really struggling with the fact that he murdered all those puppies. So could you have a nice fun pink square for him that just says, hey, Josh, just a quick reminder, stranger, you're still in jail. Love, mom. Love mom. I love you so much. You, you hate those puppies, boy. Oh, they have a third strike rule for not killing a human. That's my question. What do you need three strikes for? Have as many strikes as you want.

0:24:19 Eli: I'm just going to be doing Josh's mom as a character for the rest of the podcast. Not the episode, the whole show.

0:24:19 Thomas: So that's that's how it happened yeah Forever.

0:24:24 Tom: The whole show.

0:24:25 Eli: It's Dear Old Dads and Josh's mum from now on, everybody.

0:24:25 Tom: That's it You so you've signed up for the the premium deluxe version So Does that include like webcams? Can you like log in, like doggy daycare and like Watch them all day, See,

0:24:33 Eli: Super double premium, extra special, No. I wouldn't love that. Is the app. I want, when Thomas asked that question, that's the app I want, because I would watch my son in school all day long.

0:24:45 Thomas: Max is wired up like the Apollo astronauts, with like the fucking, he's got the wires coming off his head just so he like can monitor all his brain waves and shit, yeah.

0:24:49 Eli: Yup. Exactly. I would love that. I and am the parent that, exactly, is the reason those apps can exist, right? Because normal, sane parents would be like, oh, let me check in, oh, look at that, Phoebe's playing with some crayons, alright, back about my day. I am the one who's like, um, it looks like that other little boy has been using the crayons for much longer than Max was, and uh, I heard you on the microphone, which I paid double for, uh, say that You were gonna share but I, I'm just sending you a screenshot now of the timer that I started when it was the other kid's turn, and it's crayon timer Yeah, exactly.

0:25:20 Tom: Eli's got intercom privileges.

0:25:26 Thomas: Well, no, the app, so the app developers are like, okay, we've now added a premium time cran timer that like auto uses AI to

0:25:35 Eli: Which I already have, and I'm sending it to the teacher, yeah, I am, I am, every reason that you can't have the, and I'll give a great example of this, right? Have emailed my son's new teacher on this app, messaged them on this app, all but two days since Max started preschool, all but 2 days, just checking in, Just checking in. Cause he's the best kid in the world. Hey, how was today? Cause here's the problem at drop-off. I'm like, how is today? And she was like, it was good. And I'm going to need a bit more information than that, I'm sorry, good, no, what did he do, what things did he enjoy, what things did he not enjoy, did

0:25:52 Tom: For what? For what does.

0:25:54 Thomas: Like Jesus. How much crayon

0:26:12 Eli: His smile appear to be coming from an inner satisfaction and light, right? I always end my emails, it's weird, because the first couple of times I emailed, I was like, I promise I'm not gonna email you every day, and now I'm like, I'm so sorry for the billion emails, and the first cup of times I did, she was like, no problem, stay in touch all you want, and now she, she doesn't say that anymore, I'm just like, sorry for the billion emails, and she's like, here's the answer to your question, who can blame her, who can blam her.

0:26:12 Thomas: Time did he get Uh, man. Yeah. Yeah.

0:26:40 Tom: You basically want a daily report card of his all of his activity.

0:26:43 Eli: I would like a daily report card on the most important person on the planet, yes, I would, yes, I wouldn't, and look, if she needs to let a few of the other kids slide to do it, that's okay. We can

0:26:53 Tom: You'll pay extra for that, too. Too. Is there a premium I can pay for you to neglect others?

0:26:54 Eli: Yeah Okay. Yeah. Class dojo That's why it's called Class Dodo, they'll have a karate master come in and kill the other children. When you're at the gold level, you have to have a certain

0:27:02 Thomas: I accidentally

0:27:05 Tom: Is this a financial kumite? Because I'm going to win the financial kkumite.

0:27:06 Eli: Yeah.

0:27:09 Thomas: I, I already had it before I had kids, because I thought it was where you train for the class war, it sounded much better than it actually is.

0:27:14 Eli: Yeah No. I thought you were saying you, you got that app and you accidentally pushed it on Arlo and they gave him the sunflower butter and they were like, all right he did activate the sunflower butter option for the premium, he has enough diamonds that he bought from the app store. Heck,

0:27:15 Thomas: Yeah. Yeah, she's

0:27:30 Tom: You guys, ever worked with somebody? This is a quick aside. I mentioned the doggy daycare webcam thing. There was a woman that I worked with, this woman named Michelle, and she came to me and she made this earnest, earnest case, case why she needed a third monitor on her desk, and I was like, I don't need an earnest case, if you say you'll be more efficient with a third monitoring, you can just have a third modern, like, I don't need this whole like song and dance, I'll just, I'll buy one right now, you'll have it tomorrow, like no big deal, you know, order one right, no, oh, thank you so much, I really think if I have that third, Michelle, it's fine, it's funny, you can have a thermometer, so I get her the third monitor and everything, and she's just through, she's overjoyed, like she is just fucking like through the fucking It's the easiest $169 I've ever spent to make somebody this happy, right?

I was like, oh, this is great. So I walked past her desk one day, and I look, and on the one monitor, she's got her email up. On the second monitor, she's got her production software up. And on the third monitor, just biggest life on the third monitor, she's just watching her dog at doggy daycare.

0:28:26 Tom: That is all she does with her third monitor. She's like, well, now I can have my on one screen and the production software on the other, because I don't have to take up one of my screens. Because I guess before, she was like, it's not like she was like, oh, I want that. She was like I'm prioritizing watching my fucking dog eight hours a day.

0:28:26 Eli: Yeah, with doggy daycare, yeah.

0:28:27 Thomas: Yeah, yeah, I know, if that were anything else, if that was just porn, you'd be like, oh, thank God, I keep having to tab over from the porn I'm watching and stuff, now I just keep it up, it's nice, yeah.

0:28:49 Eli: Yeah. If You took away two of her screens, she'd never work again. She'd just be sitting there. I'm sorry, Tom took away my other work screens.

0:28:56 Thomas: Yeah, cool.

0:28:56 Tom: It's She would. I down to one screen. I obviously have to watch the dog for eight hours a day. I can't. I can not watch that. And the dog most of the time just slept. Like, I would walk by and be like, what's the dog up to? Oh, he's been sleeping for a while. And I'm just like, you're just watching your sleeping dog sleep.

0:29:01 Eli: Yeah.

0:29:13 Eli: I would do it. I

0:29:13 Tom: Somewhere other than your house well.

0:29:14 Thomas: I under, look, I am ready to be fully canceled. I don't understand dogs. I don'T get it. I don't, I thought, I I would maybe connect with dogs more, but I don't. I came from a time and a place where dogs lived outside, and we have a giant dog that

0:29:27 Tom: Lived is a strong word.

0:29:27 Eli: And then they died and your dad...

0:29:27 Thomas: Lives, hey, our dog lived to 185, you know? They were, both of them, you now, they were probably miserable. I would have treated them better outside, don't worry. I'm not saying I would have done what my dad did. No, in seriousness though, I been doing drop -off, I do pick up. So I pickup everybody and the dog. And the dog goes to doggy daycare a lot because we can't, you a whole lot of work done if she's going nuts. And honestly, it's not even for that. She's just happier getting to play with other dogs.

0:29:28 Eli: Yeah, exactly.

0:29:53 Tom: Yeah.

0:29:53 Thomas: And we're owning the dog. I'm hoping we can entirely just pay people to give her a better dog life than we're capable of giving. Yeah.

0:30:00 Eli: Just $500 a month for some teenager

0:30:02 Thomas: Someone else own a dog. Can I reverse mortgage my dog somehow? Like, so I, favorite thing and you know, Eli, you've made fun of me many a time. When I'm out there in the public where the people are, I'm just trying to get by with as little interaction as humanly possible. I just, I'm not mean. I a game theorist. Whatever will get me out of the interaction faster. If that's a very polite joke, if that's an ignore, you know, whatever it is, I am assessing. I am a kill bot ready to assess how to kill the fucking social interaction.

0:30:03 Eli: To own them. Yeah. Redfern Grove dog sitting.

0:30:03 Tom: Somebody just just watching

0:30:39 Eli: Connor.

0:30:39 Thomas: I just want to be done with it. Yeah. But in a good way. I don't want it to be in a like that guy sucks way. I want to be like, okay, cool. Yeah. All right. And, but been stumped because I'm not fast enough with the dog people because they will give me, it's the best thing. The so you go in there and you say who your dog is, you know, and, and you'll have one or two other people waiting to get their dog picked up. Right. Cause I have to go in the back where they're all the dogs are fucking or whatever. I don't know. And they having the dog orgy and they, yeah.

0:30:40 Eli: Conversation.

0:31:03 Eli: That is what they're doing. They're just in a dog orgy all day, every day.

0:31:05 Thomas: And they, and they're doing scat stuff. They're they're doing. Yeah. It's just a totally depraved in there. And so someone else's dog comes before mine. Cause that person was there before me. I'm like, yeah, whatever. And the person's like, so that dog and Daisy are really good friends. My brain, my brain was not fast enough because I'm what in the world is this piece of information? No, it's just like, what I running. Look, I'm running a pretty fast machine up here when it comes to trying to get out of social situation. I've invested in the fastest computer chip of my brain of like, I need to assess how to not have to talk. And this stumped me. This was, I got a blue screen, blue window screen. I'm

0:31:06 Eli: Right.

0:31:06 Tom: The dogs fuck for eight hours

0:31:21 Eli: No, they're not

0:31:30 Tom: Buddies.

0:31:47 Eli: What

0:31:47 Thomas: Just like, what does this person want? Oh, that's right. Most people are like, oh, my dog has a dog friend. What's that dog's name? What kind? I'm like, oh, I can't, I can't, yeah, no, I, yeah.

0:31:59 Eli: They do together? Yeah. Correct.

0:32:00 Tom: Well, that's Because they're assuming that you are dropping your dog at doggie daycare because you love the dog and are investing in it and you're dropping your dogg off at dogging daycare for exactly the opposite of everybody else there, you're like, my wife makes me keep the dog in order to keep the dogg, I have to pay to not want the dobb for eight hours a day.

0:32:12 Eli: Yeah, yeah, Obviously.

0:32:19 Tom: You are the opposite everybody else that comes in is like the woman Michelle that worked for me. They're like, oh, I'm just, I love this dog.

0:32:20 Thomas: I felt, that person in the, in fifths of a second that I didn't respond right, that turned into Jeffrey Dahmer. They were like, oh, oh God. Oh, okay. They got a chill, a cold chill went over the thing. Cause I was like, Oh, Oh yeah. I don't know. I was just like, I don'T know what the fuck's happening here. I DON'T care what friends the dog has. How could I possibly care?

0:32:25 Tom: Yeah.

0:32:31 Eli: Yeah,

0:32:46 Thomas: There's no way. And I gave a belated like, oh, cute. Yeah. Yeah, like

0:32:45 Eli: That's worse. That's where four seconds of silence while your eyes rapidly blink followed by, "Ha ha ha, cool, who

0:32:58 Thomas: I'm doing the matrix like, like, I know Kung Fu thing, Like someone had to give, oh

0:32:59 Tom: Oh, yeah.

0:33:00 Eli: Are who are your friends that are dogs? What else do the dogs think, without being able to say them out loud? Pretty

0:33:07 Thomas: My God. Or I'll get like a, that's, go in to pick up. There's another Dog named Daisy. I bet. Yeah, no, probably.

0:33:17 Tom: You're just like, look, I don't care about the one dog named Daisy I have. Like, you think I'm going to care about a stranger dog named Stacy?

0:33:17 Eli: Pretty common name. You could

0:33:21 Thomas: Tell me there's Another one of these fucking things.

0:33:22 Eli: Give me that dog and I'll take it home for the obligate eight hours because you guys don't do overnights.

0:33:29 Thomas: I've never been more perceived to be a fucking monster in society than in this moment.

0:33:35 Eli: So let me tell you my new life goal that just came up because Thomas and Tom, you both are aware of my friend Rachel, you've met my lovely friend Rachael, magician, she's been over on gam a couple of times, and my friend Rachel is the universal opposite of Thomas, which is that she will genuinely and without self-awareness talk to other people about her dog beyond any level of politeness or fairness to a fellow human being, right?

So we're working on a show right now, she's got an incredible show that she's working on, and we're talking to some pretty cool people about it, and I have gotten to watch multiple times now where she's like, "And then Kiwi was wearing a a wittle boot on her wittle foot," and that person, because they're not Thomas, goes like, "Oh my gosh, that's so cute," and then they start to say another sentence about the thing we as adults have gathered to talk about, and she'll be like, "But this wittle boat is a different koa," and I've watched several major figures in the New York artistic scene be like, "How do I make this stop?" How do, don't know, I mean it, I want it to be over, I, one of those people who, people will be like, "Anyway," and she'll be like, "Anyways, her wittle boot is on her foot," she'll

0:33:35 Tom: Absolutely.

0:33:48 Thomas: Yes. Yeah, yeah,

0:34:48 Eli: Fucking intro, she's like, "Yeah, you just introed me to my next topic about my fucking dog," yeah.

0:34:48 Thomas: That was The purpose of that transitional word, yeah.

0:34:55 Eli: Exactly, so what we need is like some kind of ex machina situation but where Rachel's exclusively talking about her dog, that's

0:34:58 Tom: Yeah,

0:35:02 Thomas: Oh my god, yeah, oh, I've taken to call this, is I'm telling you, they think I'm a murderer, I've taken to just saying now every time I get any comment, I just go, "Oh, it's my wife's dog," and then And I can tell it is insane because that

0:35:13 Eli: Insane saying that's nuts

0:35:14 Tom: That doesn't help. That does not help.

0:35:15 Thomas: Exist now. In today's society, that doesn't exist. That's like if we're married and I picked up Arlo and I was like, it's my wife's kid.

0:35:23 Eli: This is my wife's kid, that's

0:35:24 Thomas: That's pretty much the same.

0:35:25 Tom: No, it's worse. Thomas, it is worse. You can pick up, you can be like, oh, that's my wife's kid. People will be like alright, that is kind of weird, but whatever. But like your wife's dog, people are like no. You better love that dog. If you

0:35:32 Thomas: Yeah. Yeah. The I'm getting, your your

0:35:36 Eli: Wait, That's your wife's dog from a previous marriage for

0:35:42 Thomas: Dead wife. Yeah. I don't know what they would think that. Yeah. It doesn't work. It doesn't go over well, but it's, I can't, I, beyond my abilities to to pretend I care about the dog. I I care, I care about the dog in a humane I dog. Will treat the dog well. All I could treat all living things as best as I can, but I don't care about the dog's day. I don't care about the dog's friend.

0:35:44 Tom: No.

0:35:59 Tom: Did you care about the dogs you had when you were a kid and they were outside? Were you like just not So

0:36:02 Thomas: Well, they didn't do anything. They didn't t have any friends. Yeah, they just, they just were out there. Yeah.

0:36:06 Tom: No. They didn't have any friends. Their social lives were really pretty bleak.

0:36:11 Eli: Any psychiatry students in the audience, that's called modeling, in case you're wondering, just uh, as you're writing your thesis on Thomas, and I assume this epic. He does love cat

0:36:17 Thomas: I mean, I love cats. Used I to before the kids. Kids. I used to love cats. I would love to hear about my cat's day, uh, now I don't care. Now it's just the, so the

0:36:21 Eli: Oh that's what they, we need cat sitters to do the same updates, right? It's just like, so how was the, the day, uh, he sat in the corner for nine hours, I came over, he hissed at me, then I came over in the exact same way and he wanted pets. So yeah, the automatic feed machine went off at the time it does every day, um, the apps, the apps are bad, the apps are here to destroy all of us, it's weird, it's weird of

0:36:46 Thomas: Apps there's absolutely, by the way, a better app for the dog daycare, not even joking, there's more, I don't know why I'm even pretending that you would be surprised about this. Yeah, I can learn more about my dog's day than my kid's day

0:37:01 Eli: Course yeah to

0:36:59 Tom: I bet yeah yeah no a few years, like four or five years, I don't know, for a while I sent Finn to a Montessori school no I sent him to doggy daycare, yeah, he thrived, he thrives in doggy daycare, yes, didn't smell good when he came home, but no, we sent him to a Montessori school which is just a step below doggy daycare, and uh, like, I will say, like, they had a Facebook page and they updated the shit out of that with pictures all the time, and I did look at them all the times, like I'd get tagged on a thing and be like, hey here's your fucking kid doing math stuff, and I'd be like, oh, that's cool, look at him doing math stuff, and occasionally the pictures were so like nice, I'd have be like, I'm gonna download that shit and like turn it into to something, and like, I have a picture of my office that I had hung up that was just a Fin playing chess as a little guy, and somebody had snapped a photo of him surreptitiously, you put, know, it on the Facebook page, and I had it printed on a little, you know, canvas thing and hung at my office for years.

So like, I get it, like, that stuff is really nice. It is kind of funny when I think about it though, that once you put the kids in public school, you

0:37:11 Eli: A dog, yeah to

0:37:11 Thomas: Yeah no

0:37:31 Eli: The best yeah nope

0:38:02 Thomas: Yeah

0:38:02 Tom: Never get pictures of them again that's it, they're just like I don't know if he survives, at the end of the day, if he gets out of the Thunderdome Junior high, then that's fine

0:38:03 Thomas: They're like, I don't t give about your kid it's sad yeah

0:38:04 Eli: Well because yeah they're in public school, right if we were to have a real conversation, hey, why am I not getting pictures of my kid at public school, because it's bad here, because it's bad, because we put everybody, because we no longer have the lady who teaches everyone's kid to read at the same time, I'm in a barn. Um, but we came up with a worse system than that. You know, the woman who got pregnant when she was 16 and she had to move across the country to Idaho, and we let her live in an old barn with no windows and just once a day.

0:38:12 Thomas: Yeah

0:38:25 Tom: Yeah

0:38:26 Thomas: Well yeah there's the central stove in the middle of the room or whatever, truth

0:38:39 Eli: Yeah. Once a day, everyone under the age of 18 comes in and demands to learn whatever it is they need to learn. We got a way worse system than that we have a dangerous one. So that's why we don't send pictures of your kids. Cause they're they're hating it.

0:38:47 Tom: Right

0:38:51 Thomas: Be told, it was genuinely a sad thing, like, transitioning Phoebe from the daycare thing to real kindergarten, it's been really cool in a bunch of ways, but it was like, oh yeah, we don't like it, kind of sucks, because you had, we had the like, your kid is a wonderful amazing little baby and here's pictures of them, they're doing this, they're doing that, and like, you say you go to public school, it's like, all right, well, hopefully here's your kid at the end of the day, I guess, like hopefully, you know, yeah

0:39:16 Eli: Kid didn't cause problems or did cause problems.

0:39:18 Tom: Well at the preschool where I dropped Finn off when he was little, like I remember, like, I'd go in and like I knew the owner of the preschool, I knew like his class teacher and the other administrator, they'd be like, oh, and they tell me little things about Finn and they really seem to like connect to and care, and then, like, Like, yeah, in the public school, it's like, yeah. He's one of a lot of kids that are here.

0:39:18 Thomas: Yeah

0:39:35 Tom: Sometimes he shows up. We color code whether he's dead or not. We got it.

0:39:35 Eli: He is here. He does exist.

0:39:39 Tom: We got a whole system.

0:39:39 Thomas: His

0:39:40 Eli: We have a, whether or not he's in jail. So I had exactly this situation happen this past week. So on Thursday before, uh, had a snow day, um, Max threw up in the middle of the day. So they call me from the nurse's office. They're like, yeah, Max drew up. You want to come in and get him? I'm like, absolutely, I'm five minutes away, so I go and get them.

I get there and the security guard, like, and they got lots of security because, you know, we won't take away people's weird explosive hobby, um, they got loads of security and they buzz me through and they check my eyeballs, which I am all for, by the way, like, I want to be very clear, I do a fucking hole check on me if it's going to prevent a school shooting, just like whatever you got to do, do it. You know how they say, like, the TSA is inconvenient but also doesn't work, but like when you ask Americans about that and when you tell them, Americans overwhelmingly are like, I don't care, I just want to make sure, and they're like, no, no, it doesn't worry, it doesn't PREVENT the thing that you're, and they'RE LIKE IT DOESN'T MATTER, that's

0:40:13 Thomas: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

0:40:15 Tom: Yeah.

0:40:38 Eli: How I am about school security, is I'm like, if there's a any percent chance it's making my kids safer, so I go through the eyeball retinal scanner and they check all my holes, right, and then the security guard brings Max out and I'm like, great, so, uh, can I talk to the nurse and teacher, see what was happening when they threw up, and they were like, nope, and can't explain the extent to which that wouldn't have happened in the old school. Like the old School, we would have had like a prayer circle and everyone would have shared something about their day and then we would have talked about the consistency of the vomit and the timing, and they were just like, oh No, you're not allowed to talk to any of of the people here.

Cause you don't matter. And I was like, okay, well, I guess I'll just take my kid. Is he sick? And they were like, I don't know. And I was okay. Well, um, going to spend my money on a private education and make this situation worse. All right. Well I'll see you all around part of the problem and the solution. Am I right? We're just sort of in all in a cycle. We're all working on this together. Okay. We all wanted to help people at the start, but here we are now. Okay, I'll I'll see you guys on Monday.

0:40:42 Thomas: OK, sure,

0:41:04 Tom: Oh, yeah at

0:41:17 Thomas: Is he dead? Yeah.

0:41:37 Tom: School. Like called Haley because Aisling had like, Aisline's prone to migraines. So she was having A migraine. Yeah. It was my wife's kid. Right. Yeah. Yeah. Well, they, they told her, so they're supposed to be like, a line of people that the school calls, like, you, they start with Hayley, they go to me, they go to, like, the babysitter next or whatever, so, but there's like a chain, right? There's like, you, you submit it to them, like, call these people, these are the people that you, you should reach out to, so

0:41:41 Eli: Because it's your wife's kid.

0:42:00 Thomas: Have that for the for Daisy's daycare, by the way. I'm after I'm Arlo, Remy, Phoebe, the cats.

0:42:04 Eli: And me, actually. Weirdly, I'm in there. Yeah, right before Thomas.

0:42:06 Thomas: Yeah? No, can I put you on that list, by the way, before we... Sweet. I'm now 14th. I love it.

0:42:10 Tom: Sure. Sure. Absolutely. I'll swing by.

0:42:11 Eli: Yeah. Hi, Mr. Curry. We're just calling because Daisy's not having a great time at daycare today. Thomas told us to tell you a real man filled with honor would pick up another man's job. Oh, you're on the way. Okay, wonderful. Well, we'll see ya when you get here. Make sure if you fall asleep that you torture yourself like an Abu Ghraib inmate. Needle Keep Tom

0:42:35 Tom: I'll tell that story, I'll tell that story for the patrons actually I'll

0:42:37 Eli: Is torturing

0:42:38 Thomas: Teaser for the patrons.

0:42:39 Eli: Himself everybody

0:42:39 Tom: Tease her for the patrons, but yeah, Like, so so they didn't get a hold of Hayley, and so they, of course, did the next best thing, which was to call nobody else. They just left a voicemail.

0:42:40 Eli: Oh,

0:42:41 Thomas: Patreon .com slash DRLDads. Oh,

0:42:51 Eli: Interesting.

0:42:51 Thomas: Wow.

0:42:52 Tom: So, An hour or two later, Haley checks her voicemail because who checks their fucking voicemill? And and the kids aren't allowed to have their cell phones and use their cell phones at school. So I finally, like, I'm like, oh, well, shit. And like, so I call the school and, like, has long since been sent from the nurse's office back to class with a migraine, just through it. And it's been a few hours now.

And the school is just like, I call and I was like, hey, what do I have to do to make sure that somebody calls me out. Like, if you can't get a hold of my wife, like, you should call me because I'm pretty readily available. I'm probably five minutes from the school. I'll swing over. I work from home. I'll swung over and grab her. So I was very polite about it. I was like, what do I need to do?

And they're like, well, you just have to fill out this. I'm like, yeah, we're on the form, you know, but like nobody called. They just called and left a voicemail for my wife. Oh, well, did your wife call back? No, I want them to, if they don't get hold of the first person, that's the purpose of

0:42:52 Eli: I love that. Do

0:42:53 Thomas: Okay, that's new.

0:43:42 Thomas: Yeah.

0:43:43 Tom: The second person.

0:43:43 Thomas: Why do you have more

0:43:44 Tom: Like, they're just they just stare at you, like, blinking, like they can't process. I'm like, there's a form, and it's like a letter, and you didn't get the first thing just fucking like what?

0:43:43 Eli: You have an if-then function? No,

0:43:45 Thomas: People? Yeah, yeah, we've done the fucking form. Yeah, it's the worst. Yeah.

0:43:58 Tom: And just I'm like, can I change the form so that I'm the first number that gets called? Oh, no, your wife will have to change the forum and I'm just like, I'll just kill myself. How about I just kill myself in front of you?

0:44:04 Eli: You can't change that form

0:44:07 Thomas: I feel like I've had this exact thing. Do you ever have where they don't have a solution? So, like, well, maybe you need to just fill it out. Like they just give you, like, maybe just doing that again will

0:44:15 Tom: Yeah, Oh,

0:44:16 Eli: That's Oh, I love that at the DMV

0:44:18 Thomas: Work. I like, I definitely fucking did it like it's done

0:44:19 Eli: Oh, the DMV where they're just like give you a paperwork again and you're like, this is what you have, and they're like, no, do it again.

0:44:29 Tom: We literally had to do, because I, when Haley registered the kids, they're the form, and the format online was like, it's, you know, it's government shit. So it was like terribly poorly done and confusing. So I'm listed as friend on there, friend, not stepdad friend. So like, I am not like a priority for the school to reach out to and call. And that is part of what ultimately caused the problem.

0:44:42 Thomas: Wow. Friend, oof. Friend, zoned by the kids

0:44:51 Tom: I mean, I got friends owned by the fucking school and my stepkids, but like, it was like, oh, okay, well this is like probably not a big deal.

0:44:52 Thomas: School.

0:44:53 Eli: Oh, yikes. We saw the memes between your wife and podcaster Eli Bosnick, and we feel like you should probably be resigned, pal.

0:45:01 Thomas: Yeah, oh,

0:45:07 Tom: Fix the problem, I can't fix the problem, I'm just the friend, I have no authority, Hayley has to fix the problem but she can't because they can't find the right form to fix the problem. They the problem form but they don't have a fix the problem form.

0:45:12 Thomas: Yeah, Jesus.

0:45:21 Tom: This had to go all the way to the principal of the school, and she literally had to redo the whole thing from scratch in order to just change my status from, like, the kid's buddy, like, who registers their kids fucking friends? Anyway, she's 13 years old.

0:45:35 Thomas: Yeah, yeah,

0:45:31 Eli: Aislan's school treats you the way our families treated gay people in the 40s, it was like, well, no, your aunt had a roommate for 33 years, and they were, they were good pals, they went on vacation together, and they would always, they were always doing this bit where they'd kiss and they would say, I'd love you in the gay way and oh, your grandfather. Boy, would he hit them.

0:45:39 Tom: Yeah, right,

0:45:51 Thomas: Just

0:46:06 Eli: Gentlemen, before we go, it's so awkward introducing people to my ex -girlfriend my wife hates when I call her that that

0:46:15 Tom: All

0:46:19 Clip: Want to meet sexy DILFs in your area? Email the dads at DearOldDads.com or, better yet, send us a message on Patreon. You can follow us on all social media by checking the links in the show notes. And if you need more podcasts in your life, you can find Tom on Cognitive Dissonance, Thomas on Serious Inquiries Only, and Eli on Godawful Movies and all the Puzzle in the Thunderstorm shows. Dear Old Dads is edited and produced by my favorite DILF, Tom Smith, who also wrote and recorded the intro music, which is used with his permission. This podcast is a production of Daddy Issues LLC. Copyright 2022. All rights reserved.

0:46:59 Eli: Gentlemen. Before we go. Oh, I forgot my fucking joke. One second.