DOD107: Weirdo Creep Fairy Seeks Child Teeth

Transcript

This transcript was generated automatically and may contain errors — the audio is the record.

0:00:28 Tom: Welcome to Dear Old Dads, the podcast that's waiting for you under your pillow. I'm Tom Curry, and I'm joined as always by Thomas Smith and Eli Bosnick. Hello, gentlemen.

0:00:38 Eli: Okay, now you're just stealing my notes to the police, Tom, all right? This is getting... pretty serious.

0:00:46 Thomas: Hello, how's it going on this apparent holiday that I didn't know?

0:00:49 Tom: It yeah.

0:00:50 Thomas: It's always fun when we got to record on a holiday. It's almost always amazing because you guys already know how my shitty brain is. Imagine that plus the fact that I don't work for the man. So holidays are not relevant to me. Lydia will just say, oh, you know, it's a holiday and I'll be like, fucking great. What one? What is it? It could be anything.

0:01:11 Thomas: She could say, yep, she could say anything, and I believe it. And like, so the kids aren't, they're going to be here, and I have to record? Yep, the kids are going to meet. Everybody's here. The whole house is full, except Daisy, because dogs don't celebrate Martin Luther King Day. And we don't talk about it a lot.

0:01:10 Tom: Christmas, Thomas, it's Christmas.

0:01:27 Thomas: Yeah, we don't talk about a lot, but, like in the civil rights era, they're like, our dogs' rights. And then we're like. But Dogs' right to do what, though? You know, like, that's That was the whole argument, yeah.

0:01:26 Eli: Dogs are famously racist, that's what they say. Yeah. Yeah.

0:01:31 Tom: Are right yeah Nikki Haley can't answer that question either it turns out so realized it was a holiday today far too fucking late I've been going through I was telling the guys like I've Been Going Through Like A Minute Of Insomnia So Like The Last Really Two Weeks Or So Because

0:01:51 Eli: It's actually been several weeks, Tom. I know it feels like a minute because you've lost all sense of time, but...

0:01:53 Thomas: I Was Gonna Say it's Been Been Like a Year

0:01:54 Tom: I've Lost All Sense Of Everything And I Like My Superpower hour has always been sleep. So like, it's like, Oh, I've got a few minutes. I can just like close my eyes and be asleep. And I've been able to do like my whole life. It's like yeah, that is. I know. And like, I can't fucking sleep like for the last couple of weeks for the life of me. Like it's two, three in the morning. The other day at like three, I was just like, I'm just going to, I'm going to get up and go work. Like, I just cannot sleep. I'm sleeping like four hours or less a day every day.

0:01:57 Eli: Yeah.

0:02:05 Thomas: That's called being exhausted yeah, you got like a big lawsuit going. That's like gonna determine the fate of your whole life.

0:02:24 Tom: And it's really, it really dragging on me.

0:02:26 Thomas: Yeah, I feel you.

0:02:26 Tom: No, No, that's the thing is like, I fucking, I'm fine. Like I've got nothing to worry about. It's not like I'm staying up with like anxieties or concerns. My body just like about 1230, feels like I just popped three Adderall and drank a cup of coffee. Like I'm all like vibrating and restless, and I don't know why. So I don't know what to do about it. Like I'm going to try to just like work out until the machine just can't move anymore and see if that helps just like knock this fucking thing out of commission.

0:02:27 Thomas: Oh. Huh. But

0:02:51 Tom: Yeah, That's literally my plan. I'm just going to move this thing until like it runs out of juice, and then the battery's dead, but

0:02:50 Eli: That does help. It does help... Want to hear a super lame thing that actually is like really scientifically grounded that fixes it, but I love it because you're gonna hate it so much. There there have been really extensive studies and then meta studies of those studies that one of the best ways to solve that problem because

0:03:01 Tom: Oh, god, what is it? I

0:03:12 Thomas: Have to talk to your ex. Yeah, it's

0:03:14 Tom: Feel a little mad at you right now for some reason before you even say it

0:03:15 Eli: You you don't have any idea how I could not, if I was the creator of the universe and had plotted a thing that you had to do to fall asleep, I don't think I could have come up with a better prank that didn't involve like a list of enemies and a remote island. No, one of the best ways to cure insomnia, even as effective as some medication schedules, is watching the sunset in its entirety watching

0:03:17 Tom: Yeah

0:03:40 Thomas: Oh yeah I think I've heard that

0:03:41 Tom: The fuck are you talking about watching the sunset? What

0:03:44 Thomas: Yeah yeah, yeah

0:03:45 Eli: The sun set in its in part or in entirety, is one One of the best cures for insomnia.

0:03:53 Tom: The f**k is that, that, that seems all right. I'm gonna go to my doc tonight. It seems like the biggest bag of horseshit I ever heard in my whole life.

0:03:56 Eli: Seems like real horseshit, right? Every

0:04:01 Tom: I'm going to, I'm to sit around and watch a sunset.

0:04:01 Thomas: Well it makes sense

0:04:03 Eli: Said that to me, I was so deeply insulted at how stupid they must think I am to give that information to me. Because it's like when someone says, put like, a crystal in your vagina, you're like, wow, you really think I'm like a poisonous level of idiot, huh?

0:04:07 Tom: Yes I

0:04:20 Eli: Right? That is the level of insulted I was. And then my psych was like, no, actually there's like studies and stuff. And even, even though a doctor, a medical doctor was like no, there's studies and in my head I was like I ain't fucking studying, you little liar.

0:04:33 Tom: I am aware that there's studies that like you should wake up and get sunlight on your eyeballs as soon as you can, as soon as you wake up, to set your circadian rhythm and all that stuff. But like, I do that. I wake up and I'm downstairs in a very well-lit space, like with windows that are open, like, and I'm up early. I'm up before sunrise, so like like, well, like this is how fucking out of it I am. Speaking of holidays, it's job. It's a fucking day off today. It's like one of our like nine vacation or not vacation, but holiday days that the company grants. I forgot that it was a fucking holiday and I scheduled meetings and dumb enough. I scheduled an early morning meeting away from home.

0:04:39 Thomas: Exactly

0:04:52 Eli: No, Tom, you don't fall asleep. That's the difference. You can't just, you can't just be in the kitchen when the sun rises. That's not,

0:05:06 Thomas: Yeah, this is the best this is

0:05:22 Tom: I scheduled at eight 30 meeting.

0:05:22 Thomas: The best. You all have to remember that Tom is like the big boss. Tom is like the bosses, bosses, boss's boss. Imagine you work at a company and like your boss's bosses schedule.

0:05:26 Tom: I, not quite that high, but it's, but I,

0:05:35 Thomas: Hey, do you want to have an eight 30 AM meeting on a holiday fucking morning? And you're like, what?

0:05:41 Tom: Nobody said anything. They accepted my meeting invitation.

0:05:43 Thomas: Yeah, that's a bad sign, Tom. That means you were, you work in a toxic environment and the toxic environment is Tom. Like there's no way.

0:05:46 Tom: Yeah.

0:05:47 Eli: That's a bad sign.

0:05:54 Thomas: Imagine the stress.

0:05:53 Tom: I don't think so.

0:05:55 Thomas: First, off they're like, "God, this guy's a giant racist." He's making a point to schedule work when Thomas's dog is not celebrating either, like they're both they're racist together, they

0:06:04 Eli: Oh,

0:05:55 Tom: So, well, to me, in fairness, I was giving somebody a review and a raise today, but they didn't know that. So like I it was actually a really good meeting.

0:06:12 Eli: It's a mixed day for them, man. They're sitting there.

0:06:12 Thomas: My you had the meeting hold

0:06:13 Tom: Right. They had a lot of ups and downs today.

0:06:15 Thomas: On you had the meeting, did God now you're violating wage and hour law, yes.

0:06:18 Eli: Love the idea. He

0:06:17 Tom: Yeah. Yeah. I don't think so. Am I? Is it a law that they can't you can't schedule a meeting on a vacation day?

0:06:22 Eli: Has every loved one he has for the last 24 hours to get the courage to tell you off, right? He had a monologue prepared he had a second monitor with his speech on it, his finger was shaking the entire time and you're over there scoop de loop de loop. So anyways, I've got a little bit of good news for you, but first a riddle.

0:06:31 Thomas: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yep. Oh

0:06:47 Eli: He's standing behind you right now with a cocked gun and no idea you how to back out of this situation, Tom.

0:06:52 Tom: It's so bad, we met at a Starbucks 35 minutes from her home. Like we're about an hour apart, so like I drove a half hour she drove a half hour, I had

0:06:57 Eli: She loves that. Oh, love that.

0:06:57 Thomas: My God. Oh You're in a lawsuit. You are being sued. Documents are being drawn up right now. You know what? I just realized Tom accidentally did the scene from Muppets Christmas Carol where he's like, I, like but it's my day off. I, Tom Curry, gave you a day off? Does that sound like something I would do? She's like well no. No, but then with the part where you're like, and that's why, Bob Cratchit, I'm raising your salary. And then that's how you get out of the whole thing.

0:07:07 Eli: I love it.

0:07:07 Tom: No fucking idea. Wait, what?

0:07:26 Tom: Yeah, well, I think I did get out of it because it was a pretty substantial race, so God damn it, but I was like, God, I fucking could have slept in, I could have fucking slept in today.

0:07:30 Thomas: Exactly. Okay.

0:07:30 Eli: Nice. Yeah. You could have slept in and that woman would not be planning to murder you in your sleep as soon as she's again.

0:07:37 Tom: Yeah. It's

0:07:40 Thomas: Well, I think it would be actually worse if you slept in and missed the meeting. Then she really would. That would have been the ultimate move.

0:07:45 Eli: Then yeah.

0:07:41 Tom: It's a little rough. Oh, I I did, did oversleep a meeting last week because I'm a fucking wreck these days, so I had an 8 30 meeting that was scheduled and this one was going to be over, uh, Teams, um, the same reason. I was giving somebody a review and an increase, and I was like, oh, okay, we'll have an 8:30 meeting. And like, I'm normally up at 5 30 and I, I didn't wake up till 8:30. My body was like, "He's asleep now, motherfucker." And like, we just, I woke up at like 8:27. I'm like, well, I guess I'm gonna be late, like there's no way for for me to be camera presentable in three minutes or so this

0:08:10 Thomas: Oh, so you woke up on time. No, that's not. Oh, okay. That's not how you do it.

0:08:17 Eli: Me and Thomas can't really understand what it means to be camera presentable in any scenario, let alone. It's funny, I have had this issue you come up this week because I'm, I'm helping out with a fancy project and a fancy show, uh, in New York, uh, my friend who is a real artist and a real theater designer, and he was like, "Eli, you should come along, you should help." And I showed up and everyone was in like stylish turtlenecks and fucking sweaters, and I had a shirt that said like "quack if you love D&D," and I was just like, oh fuck, I forgot I have to, there are people, there are grown-ups

0:08:18 Thomas: Kind of.

0:08:45 Tom: Is how you go to work

0:08:49 Thomas: Yep.

0:08:49 Eli: And so the second time I came, I did my attempt to dress up, which is somehow worse right

0:08:49 Thomas: Yep. A full tuxedo. Like, it looks like a ventriloquist dummy.

0:08:57 Eli: Actually worse, yeah.

0:08:59 Tom: Because now you don't have irony to fall back on, right? Like before, you were the creative, of ironic one. And now, yeah.

0:09:03 Thomas: Yeah.

0:08:59 Eli: Exactly yeah right they were like, "This guy doesn't give a fuck," and they were like, "Oh, he does," and he thinks it's they he thinks it's plaid and jeans. Oh God, oh God, put him at the back. It, it's a bummer.

0:09:07 Thomas: He's just really bad at giving a fuck.

0:09:13 Tom: Yeah.

0:09:17 Thomas: What was you're attempt to look nice? How did you fail?

0:09:18 Eli: Oh,

0:09:19 Tom: You got a

0:09:19 Eli: It was a plaid energy. It was like a plaids button down and jeans.

0:09:19 Thomas: Oh, that was the real. Okay. Yeah. Gotcha.

0:09:21 Tom: Plaid button down and jeans can look good. That's what I wore today. Yeah.

0:09:22 Thomas: That's fine. Yeah, Yeah,

0:09:23 Eli: And I'm This horrible middle of like, cause here's the thing. Cause I've been an all the way fat guy, which rules. And I've a not fat guy which doesn't rule because you're just in a constant state of feeling like a failure. But I'm right in between right now. Cause I've lost some weight, but I haven't lost all the weight. So all my shirts are like, we don't know whether or not we want to be tucked in or whether or or not we want to be hanging all over your body but either way you're gonna look like you lost a fight and that's why your shirt is the way that it is.

I can't stand all the the you guys get the ads for dad bod shirts couldn't they just sell me a gun with a single bullet instead. Couldn't they, couldn't save me the time of showing my body and then being like, oh, disgusting, am I right? Right? If only you didn't have to be like this. Don't worry, we made a t-shirt that's nine feet long. You can glue it to your ankles, you pathetic waste of a man. And then when you put pants on, you'll look like there's a shirt that fits you. I hate you. Buy this for $39. It'll be there in December of 2028.

0:09:55 Thomas: I did for a little bit.

0:09:56 Tom: Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

0:10:30 Thomas: Yeah. And then you find out it was actually just a Kickstarter for a shirt that never happened.

0:10:33 Tom: Yes.

0:10:35 Eli: And yes, exactly. And they didn't even bother hiring an actor. There's just

0:10:36 Thomas: Yeah. Well, all We thought we could master the technology to make a shirt. That wouldn't make you look fat, but we failed.

0:10:44 Eli: Out there's no such thing as shirt super glue, and Craig was just sort of winging it in that pitch meeting. Tom didn't wake up to give him his raise that day, so it's really falling apart here at Dad Bod Shirt Pod. But

0:10:45 Thomas: Yeah.

0:10:56 Thomas: I all, my algorithm knows that I'm just in constant pain all the time. So I get every different back pain device that you could imagine. You know, it's like a harness. This one's got, okay, this one's something that you put on your wall and you back into. And I've just, any device that's like allegedly going to fix my constant back pain.

0:11:06 Eli: Yeah.

0:11:17 Tom: Yeah, that's a suction cup dildo, Thomas. That's what you were describing. That's different. That's not for your back.

0:11:19 Eli: I don't

0:11:20 Thomas: No, I have that it's actually it's nice, you can put it above the suction cup dildo that's compatible I made sure, yeah, I was like, is this the same, uses the same cartridges? It's like, yeah, it's all the same.

0:11:22 Eli: The cup dildo, and then it sort of hangs off of it, yeah, mine

0:11:22 Tom: Yeah. This is a twofer. This is the twofer I could use my Ryobi battery in this thing. Look at that. It does fit everything.

0:11:36 Eli: Yeah. Are fat dad shirts and drugs, ketamine. They're like, hey, there's a weird legal loophole right now, where we can pretend ketamine is medicine with way, way too little oversight. Oh, is it medicine? Yeah, no, it really helps some people, but that's not what we're doing. We're just sort of hocking it at people. Would you like some ketamine? You remember the guy who broke into the vet's office near your house when you were growing up? We think that he was on to something, so why don't you talk to a doctor on FaceTime for four and a half minutes, we'll send you an eye mask and some fucking veterinary sedative, and there's sure to be no bad side effects of this,

0:11:38 Thomas: Oh, nice

0:11:42 Tom: Oh, Yeah, yeah, I've seen those I get

0:12:16 Eli: It's gonna work out great

0:12:18 Tom: Testosterone replacement therapy ads, and I get like suits that, like, evidently you can go do like a and then I get, I get ads for suits you can like run a Tough Mutter in and still like look good or whatever they're just like have you ever needed to wear a suit and spill like six pounds of mud on it and then still show up to the boardroom, and I'm just like no I just don't do that no No, but what I will also do, have you ever done this? Like I'll go through periodically and get, get grouchy and just report every ad that I see for just like, I'll just spend like 30 minutes and just record every ad. And if you do that as a guy though, what you end up getting is gun ads, like gun safes and like, it just defaults to the worst, like most evil Republican shit you've ever seen. Like that's immediately

0:12:23 Thomas: Are you being sued by your employees, that is

0:12:25 Eli: Sure no

0:12:32 Thomas: That is so real this is amazing we should have had the audience guess what our algorithms were that would have been funny, oh no

0:12:41 Eli: Yes

0:13:06 Thomas: Funny

0:13:06 Tom: What It defaults too overnight, night, like the next day, if you report all your ads for a half hour, like, and just like scroll through and do nothing but report ads, and the next day it's nothing but like someone's gonna break into your house if, and you don't buy this gun safe, and you're like, holy, holy shit, that's a lot. That's a, a lot of a lot, right?

0:13:06 Thomas: Yeah oh

0:13:22 Eli: Yep

0:13:23 Thomas: I, I've made the algorithm work for me now. Here's where I do every, because I gave up on this, I'm so sick, because they have the option of, oh, oh well, do you want to turn off all the data and then just get anonymous ads, like you're saying? And I'm like, well, not really, like I want no ads is what I want, but like getting random ones might almost be more annoying. So here's what I do, anytime on my social media feed there's an attractive girl, I hover over that, and now that's all it shows me, like it'll show any ad or any like reels. It's hilarious, you know how Facebook is trying to do whatever TikTok is, you know, and so it shows you a bunch of those, all mine just boobs. It's the best.

0:14:00 Thomas: I love it. It was like, it was like every 10 minutes I just, you know, if I'm scrolling through Facebook, it's like, Oh, bunch of boobs. That's it's works for me now. It's I've doing outsourced browsing a few good boobs, like for a minute, like I've outsourged that job to Facebook.

0:13:56 Tom: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Ha, ha, ha.

0:14:14 Eli: Thought a Few Good Boobs was the weirdest porn parody they chose to make of a movie, um, fact that they did the entire "I gave the green light" scene word for word while they were having sex.

0:14:17 Tom: Ha, Ha, ho, ho.

0:14:24 Eli: I mean, performances were wonderful in all senses of the word. I just thought it was a strange choice, but gentlemen, do you know, the only thing worse than the social internet slowly draining us of our humanity, empathy, and our ability to make buying decisions? Why, it's the auto ads, the unskippable, unblockable ads of this podcast. Or, are they? For as little as a dollar over over at patreon.com/dearolddads, you get an ad-free version of every single show, plus a parenting story at the end, unless Tom has fallen asleep and can't make it that day. Check it out and get your ad-free version of the show over at patreon.com/dearolddads.

0:14:18 Thomas: You can't Oh man. Hold on. That'S Yeah. Do they have that, though? Do they actually?

0:15:05 Thomas: Want to go back in the tape, rewind. Tom said, "I realized it was a holiday" was what he said, and I just want to point out there's nothing less realizing than you can do, Tom, than what you did. You know what I mean? Like, you operated, uh, you went like half a day as though it wasn't a holiday. You called people into work, and then this is gonna be classic in the story, in the lawsuit that the person's suing you for. They're gonna be like, yeah, and then this fucking guy had the gall to say, "I realized it was a holiday." Like

0:15:33 Tom: Well, I realized that today that's the thing is like I scheduled a meeting last week. I'm like, and here's how fucking stupid I am. I looked at my calendar when I was scheduling meetings and I'm like, God, I have a light day Monday. That's awesome.

0:15:35 Thomas: Yeah.

0:15:46 Thomas: It's like, there's just a burning cross on it. That's weird.

0:15:49 Tom: Shit.

0:15:49 Thomas: Okay. You okay, I got to tell you guys, funniest thing happened. Okay. How did, how do I even, where do I start? Where do I start? What is the the normal age that kids start losing teeth? Is, is Phoebe late? I can't, I'm not sure. Do you, do you remember, Tom? No, there's no fucking way

0:16:05 Tom: Oh God, no. Cause they, they start losing teeth and then they lose teeth like on a continuous shark-like basis forever, yeah, you can find them washed up in the sand on the beach and shit, Amen just lost another tooth like this week. So I don't know, fucking, they start, yeah, for real, and then they lose teeth up to their 12-year molars, so they seriously will lose teeth their whole lives and then you're then actually, Donovan has the wisdom teeth pulled so this year, so yeah, yeah, it's sharks. It's sharks all the way down.

0:16:07 Thomas: Yeah yeah wow yeah holy shit what a while okay oh Okay well, I has a has a loose loose tooth. We'll say, we'll start there. Phoebe has a loose tooth, and already you guys, I'm sure, have an indication of, of Phoebe from, from our interactions. The first thing I thought, and this is about, I don't know, it could be two weeks ago when I first got news of this loose tooth, the first thing I thought was, oh, I never going to be able to pull this thing out. Like it doesn't just fall out the way, Phoebe is, can't she even have me put a band-aid on like once something's hurting a little, she freezes up, locks it's the whole thing. So already, in my mind, two weeks ago I hear the news, Phoebe's got a loose tooth, I'm like, well, that's gonna be here is forever, like it could be, it'll be her prom date, yeah we'll be like oh hi you seem like a very nice uh gentleman, um, have you met Phoebe's loose tooth, that we still keep, it's in her mouth, just hangs out of her mouth she's never

0:16:59 Tom: Right. Yeah. Right,

0:17:10 Eli: 25 still wiggling it back and forth in her mouth. Yeah. She's got it on a leash at all times and she just drags it around behind her, yeah

0:17:20 Thomas: Yeah yeah yep So I'm already envisioning that, like that's that will be her new life, um, I'm like, all right, you know what, whatever, I'm not, because I'm not gonna be the dad, oh come over here and let me fucking pull, rip it out of the whatever, there's so many like unquote kind of jokes that people do around that, that, uh, too far on the other side of cowardice, and like obviously, obviously I'm not like super into how hard it is to do any kind of anything like medical intervention of any kind with her, but I'm also not going to be the bullshit dad. That's like, are you kidding me?

Come on. I'll put a tie, a string around that and I'll putting it on the door. I'm like, no, I'm going to fucking traumatize my kid for the sake of tooth toughness. Like, I don't also don't care about that. So I've been like kind of in the back of my mind and thinking about this, like, God, where's this going to go? Where's this going? Where's it going to end? You know, it's like this is something's brewing here. It's like World War One or something. And I see, I'm seeing the, the forces at work here. We got the tooth and we got like the Ottoman empire and we

0:17:47 Tom: Right.

0:18:16 Thomas: Got Phoebe.

0:18:16 Eli: Yeah Phoebe's tooth just jumped out from behind a car and shot the prime minister of Prussia or whatever, hey

0:18:19 Thomas: Yeah, yeah, exactly. Yeah. And, then there's, there's some amount of talk about the tooth fairy and like, oh, fucking yeah, we'll do, we're going to do that. We'll do that again. That's a weird one. You know, we've talked about Santa. We did a whole thing on that kids. If you're listening, how Santa is totally real and all that. No, I don't know. We talked about all that, but like the Tooth Fairy is kind of a different thing.

0:18:37 Tom: Yeah.

0:18:39 Eli: Thomas if they've started listening to this podcast, you've got so many more things to explain before Santa

0:18:42 Thomas: I know.

0:18:44 Tom: There's, I think you're gonna have to tackle the anal lingus issue before the, yeah,

0:18:45 Eli: Yeah I was gonna say the

0:18:46 Thomas: That's true. Yep. Yep. That comment I made about the wall dildo being compatible with the wall massager. How do I explain that?

0:18:50 Eli: Analingus insults towards Arlo are gonna be priority numero uno here's the thing, all right

0:18:51 Tom: Right, Right, yeah. Mm -hmm. Yeah.

0:19:01 Thomas: Sometimes there's a spot that you need to hit. That's just, yeah, it's some muscle soreness. Anyway. Yeah. So, tooth fairy is a weird thing that I think gets kind of fucking smuggled in, you I just a step back back in the day when I was just an asshole and I was like first getting into atheism. And well, very cynical. I was every whatever. And I I even said, I think I'm like one of the first episodes of atheistically speaking. I was, like, I'm not doing the fucking Santa Claus thing. I can't do it. I like lying. I've never liked lying. I think it's dumb and I still have a problem with it But I made my peace with that But then comes this fucking tooth fairy thing that I think is just waiting behind Santa's robes being like okay So you're also then if you're cool with the Santa Claus thing. You're also cool like some sort of bone fairy

0:19:45 Tom: Yeah.

0:19:43 Eli: Yep and behind them both stands Jesus of Nazareth what's the matter, you want your kids to be sad or not? Well, and I think the tooth fairy is such an obvious moment of desperation, right? Because we all know exactly how the tooth ferry gets brought up, right? Kid's tooth falls out in an apple and you're like, great, let's throw that in the fucking garbage because I'm an adult and it's the year 2024 of our lord, and the kid goes, you're gonna flow away my tooth? And you go, nope, let me explain, there is an otherworldly creature who would like to buy this from you, and they're like, what? And you're like, yep. Oh okay, I realize now why myths are created

0:19:52 Thomas: Yeah it's a fairy that deals in bones and other They also, also kidneys, you know, any of black market kind of body parts, that tooth fairy.

0:20:30 Tom: Yeah.

0:20:26 Eli: Yep yeah fucking hero without Joseph Campbell is just standing beside you with his hand on his shoulder being like, it really is a cycle, you should read my book, it's great, it's just sort of a, you can't escape the loop, because escaping the loop is part of the loop, all right, I'm gonna go back to making my soup

0:20:39 Tom: Yeah.

0:20:48 Thomas: The tooth fairy is also into fucking children's teeth specifically. It's really creepy. This is a dark web, some dark web bullshit. Like that's, hey kid, I found, I was on the dark web. I saw a want ad, wanted a child's tooth. They're offering like a dollar. It's not a lot, but exactly.

0:20:49 Eli: Yeah for sure children's teeth

0:21:06 Tom: I will say, I don't have much of an issue with the tooth fairy, because it is an incentive for scaredy cat kids, right, like Aislan

0:21:13 Thomas: That's what I was going to say.

0:21:14 Tom: Was a scaredy kat kid, uh, she's not so much anymore, Amen lost the tooth this week, and like he was like a little bit of a scared cat kid, and he doesn't believe in the tooth ferry anymore, but he does believe in money that that you get for a tooth, yeah, so, was like, look, man, the Tooth Fairy, and he's like, yeah whatever, I'm like, Tooth fairy, I'll give you like three bucks, if you just wiggle that fucker out, like right now, you know, because, here's the thing, you were joking about like, Phoebe never getting that tooth out, like, Aislinn and Aemon both, have had teeth, that have been in, and like, fully out, except for the tiniest little corner of nothing, and they start to get weird in there, like I'm not gonna get gross but it starts to

0:21:15 Thomas: Yeah. That's what it really is.

0:21:23 Eli: Yeah

0:21:24 Thomas: You're going to get money. Yeah. I hope he drove a hard bargain. You know, he's like, I don't know. It's feeling pretty, uh, pretty secure in there. Oh yeah.

0:21:52 Thomas: Yeah.

0:21:52 Tom: Get weird in there and they'll be in there for weeks for fucking weeks like that and you're like okay and I'll tell them like part of your head is rotting like you have a part of your actual head is rotting right now and they're just like I don't want to mess with it and you're like it's a lot. Yeah.

0:21:52 Thomas: Yeah, no, that's yep. It'S true. Yeah yep. Yep. Yeah.

0:22:10 Tom: It's a whole lot.

0:22:10 Thomas: And, and I do sort of, I feel like everyone has the story. Do you have the story? I have the the story of going to the dentist and a dentist, just yanking out a tooth that I don't even think was quite ready. Has that story too. And actually several of my friends might've just been my terrible dentist at the time, but I was going to like, I went into the dentist as a kid, as an older kid. And I was like, yeah, I don't think it's quite. And he just ripped it out and it hurt in a way that was like that's not, I think that wasn't ready.

0:22:25 Tom: What?

0:22:36 Thomas: You could have given that more time.

0:22:36 Eli: Don't think that's part of the process, doc. And he's like, "Yeah, whatever."

0:22:39 Thomas: Yeah, that was my dentist in a nutshell. It was actually my like good friend's dad too. He was was like the the pain, they called him, like everybody, he was he was a nice guy but just the did not just fucking no fucks to give

0:22:40 Tom: Right.

0:22:49 Eli: Nope. Hey, Thomas, I got some news for you. He wasn't a nice guy. He tore your tooth out of your face. Let me

0:22:51 Thomas: No fuck's to give yeah well, it was the 80s or whatever than her, in mid 90s. But how, you Tom, how do you sweeten the deal when you have to keep the tooth fairy real? Like, I get when it's you and you're like, all right, fucking 20 bucks, come on, get this fucking thing out. But can't wait to come up with a story. Oh, you see, there's a shortage, right? Truth fairy, really neat you know they've

0:23:09 Tom: Yeah, there you go. You got it. You got to invent like, well, you know, there's actually a new inflation calculator that the tooth fairy comes out with every year. Let me just do a quick double check on the math. Now there's a conversion rate in

0:23:11 Thomas: Upped the prices I saw it in the paper yeah bidenomics at work, everybody yeah

0:23:19 Eli: Check this she works at Fair Sterns, thank you, everybody, yeah.

0:23:23 Tom: Like the you're coming around to the puns, Eli, after six years of citation needed, you're coming around.

0:23:28 Thomas: This get that shit off the show Eli, it's a funny

0:23:32 Tom: I like it.

0:23:30 Eli: Look,

0:23:32 Thomas: Bit on citation needed, get that off, the fuck off of my show, okay?

0:23:35 Eli: Look, they took away the sketch, and this is all I have left is it just sometimes words sound like other words, yeah.

0:23:39 Tom: Yeah.

0:23:35 Thomas: Okay. This is so sad. Okay. So Okay. So anyway, was I, going to say, I agree with Tom that it's, even though Phoebe did exactly the thing Eli said, which is you don't throw it away. And I was like, what, why, what are you going to do with it? Well, I'm going to, I want to collect them. I'm this was real. She was like I'm to make a collection of teeth. And it was like a collection of two. What's that going to be? Well I'm in him.

0:23:59 Tom: Like, like Ed guide, like ed guide. I'm going to have a fucking, like thing outside of fucking bones and teeth and shit.

0:24:04 Thomas: Yeah yeah and I'll have a a lampshade made out of the rib cage, and I have them, my teeth, yeah. Exactly, yeah.

0:24:06 Tom: Yeah, yeah. Yeah. What the fuck?

0:24:10 Thomas: And so I just took it as funny, I think midway through the bit I think she gave up on it and realized it was ridiculous, but anyway, it's

0:24:16 Tom: Okay. Hold But on. This is a quick aside. You guys have met the parents that still have their kids' baby teeth, right? You're aware of this as, like, a true thing.

0:24:23 Eli: No, I've I have met my mom, yeah, I have.

0:24:27 Tom: That, to me, is the creepiest possible thing. Like, like... Your kids' discarded face bones as ,like, some kind of weird memento.

0:24:24 Thomas: Eli, yeah yeah exactly pin in the tooth in that, put a tooth in that, and we'll do, um,

0:24:39 Eli: That's what Thomas is using instead of pushpins. Now his teeth yeah, I was gonna say you've never been more outvoted by the two crazies on this podcast than you have right now, Tom, but we're putting a tooth in it of

0:24:40 Tom: Yeah, he's got play. You're not gonna keep those

0:24:41 Thomas: Exactly. I'm trying to, trying to make it work. We'll get to it. We're going to do it.

0:24:50 Tom: Things. There's no... Oh, God.

0:24:51 Thomas: We'll

0:24:51 Eli: Course. He has Of course.

0:24:51 Tom: It's fucking foul. Ugh.

0:24:53 Eli: He has. Do you know Thomas at all? And

0:24:54 Tom: I know.

0:24:55 Thomas: The So tooth, you know, all that happens, the tooth is loose, the blah, blah, and, again, and I just think like, I never agreed to this tooth. I agreed to Santa because that's culturally like we're all doing that and I mean, Christmas is fun and whatever, but a fucking like cannibal bone fairy that steals kid tea. Like that's a weird, that's weird thing. You are we doing? But anyway, I, you know, I guess, all right. I bought the two for one deal with fucking Santa Claus. And I guess the Easter bunny's in there too, somewhere got to deal with that.

0:25:22 Thomas: No. Yeah. See, we don't, we aren't doing that. So that's fine. We're.

0:25:21 Eli: God, you're gonna have to, they're gonna ask and you're gonna be like, "This is where you gotta you gotta get out of your time share."

0:25:29 Tom: That's an easy one.

0:25:28 Thomas: No. That one. I'm not afraid to be like, no, that'S a ghost member. Remember, I think I told the story where Phoebe asked about God or Jesus or whatever. And I was like, yeah.

0:25:31 Eli: Yeah.

0:25:31 Tom: Yeah. Oh, yeah, we talked about that.

0:25:37 Thomas: And I, and she asked, like. Oh, is it like ghosts? I was. Like, yeah, it is exactly like that. Yeah, it, it ghosts and ghosts aren't real. And she is like, oh, okay. So, we are not doing that. But, anyway. So, then we get to, you know, the tooth is pretty loose. She is at a birthday party. And this was one. So, the kids have four birthday parties a day. I don't know if you have that experience.

0:25:37 Eli: Yeah.

0:25:54 Thomas: But yeah, We attend a different birthday party or two every single day. There's like a traveling group of people who do it too. Like I'm every, such a, the worst social person ever because I just don't care and I'm too tired. And so I see all these people who I'm like, oh, yeah, I should know who you are and who your kid is. Sorry, I don't care, I don't know. I can't do on it, a good day without a lawsuit and everything else going on.

I probably would have tried to get to know some parents, but I'm just max. I'm absolutely maxed, and so I just go there and go, "Oh, hi, yeah," I pretend I know everybody even though I recognize them and don't know their names. I don't care. So, so that was Saturday's party.

Come Sunday, I asked Lydia, I was like, "Hey, I'm dying," because I'm I have a different reason for not sleeping than, uh, Tom, which, well, I know, I think it's actually secretly the same reason, but Tom's just in denial about it, which is that I'm, I'm pretty stressed out at all times. Slash Remy, I think just wakes up at God knows when. And I think I've gotten to the point where I'm not consciously waking up anymore, but I think I'm being woken up constantly throughout the night. You know, like

0:25:37 Tom: Yeah, yeah. Right. Oh, yes. Mm-hmm. Oh,

0:26:52 Thomas: That's my, that'smy because I'm just, I wake up more tired than I went to bed every single day and it's just getting worse and worse. So Sunday, birthday party number number fucking eight. I was like, Hey, do you mind just like handling these? I'm just not, I'm fucking, I'm so stressed. I'm dying. I don't want to do this again. And Lydia, because she's the best in the entire world was like yeah, sure. No problem. I'll do, I'll do this one. And so it was at this birthday party that Phoebe loses the tooth. And, and Lydia messaged me this. I Was like, no fucking way. I thought we were going to have to name that thing. I Thought we're going to, I thought it was going to declare the tooth on my taxes. I thought it was

0:26:52 Tom: Ja, that' the worst.

0:27:25 Tom: Right,

0:27:25 Thomas: Just going to be forever.

0:27:25 Tom: Ja. I'll call the Social Security Administration and have the number revoked. Right, ya, ya.

0:27:28 Eli: Yeah.

0:27:29 Thomas: Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was looking forward to committing some light fraud with it, you know, like getting some benefits. Oh, yeah I have four dependents. And and Lydia says it's gone. And then she says, yeah and, and know I, I had to tell Phoebe there's no Tooth Fairy. I was like what, what, sorry, what? Back the fuck up. Because we're on tooth one. Tooth number one.

0:27:30 Tom: Ha, ha, ha. Yeah. Right. Didn't make it real far, that's like a baby's first Christmas. Hey, welcome to the world, little buddy, there's no Santa Claus. Yeah, you'll know, you'll understand that when you learn to talk. Yeah.

0:27:52 Thomas: And and Yep. Yep. Yeah. You got to go through the nun that you went through, but now that you're going through the first Christmas, I think it's time that we tell you. I excuse was, uh, and it's one, it's a situation I'm often in where Lydia is handling the kids by herself, so I don't have room for critique at all, but I am curious, I'm like, how, how did we not get even one single, single tooth without, without the Tooth Fairy. I was just like, that was a little weird. As, as I a kid, I remember thinking there was a Tooth Fairy through at least a couple teeth. Don't you think? Like, don't you?

0:28:01 Tom: Right. Yeah.

0:28:27 Thomas: I don't know. Eli, do you?

0:28:26 Tom: Through College, yeah, by the time I was in the master's program, I was like getting suspicious, though, I was like, wait a minute, wait a moment, you're

0:28:33 Thomas: Yeah. My college professors weren't really entertaining me when I said like, yeah, that's why I got this money. You want a beer?

0:28:38 Tom: Just looking around the dorm room like, hey, do you guys also know there's

0:28:42 Eli: Leave the window unlocked.

0:28:42 Tom: No, but

0:28:42 Thomas: Your parents somehow sneak into Uh, yeah, there are certain touchstones of, like, oh yeah, I like remembering what it was like to be a kid in a way that I think some parents can't, like, I think a lot of parents don't effectively put themselves in that place a lot, you know, and one strong visceral memory of that for me is when you go to sleep as a little kid, your world goes away until you wake up and the world is newly, new discovered, like as a whole, I remember what going to sleep and being like, what's under my pillow right now is a fucking tooth in an envelope, that's what's under there, waking up and it's fucking money is under there, that's impossible, there's no other way scientifically that could have happened except for magic. You then, meanwhile, it's like, like, well, it's just, you just, your parents did it. But, but like at the time, you really feel like there's... there's no way, there's no other way. It's magic. They have to have done it.

0:29:32 Tom: That's Exactly, because of what you just described, because kids fall asleep in a way that is not sleep, like, don't know it, they have no idea that like, what really happens when a kid falls asleep is they, they die, and they cannot be woken by anything.

0:29:35 Thomas: Yeah. No. Yeah. Kids all have Michael Jackson's doctor. They Oh no. Fucking what?

0:29:49 Eli: Lost me, Thomas. You really lost me. What's going on? Have no idea what you're... I did

0:29:51 Thomas: Oh, come on. You're Michael Jackson, Who? Famously died. Because he had a doctor who would put him to to sleep with twilight sleep every night. What?

0:30:00 Eli: Not know that. Okay.

0:30:00 Thomas: The Fuck Are You talking about, Eli?

0:29:59 Tom: Yeah. That, yeah. What?

0:30:01 Eli: I did Not Know That. I

0:30:02 Thomas: You Know, Every... There's No, that's Impossible. Michael

0:30:03 Eli: Didn't know that! I know! Celebrity deaths and murders are my specialty. didn'T know that?

0:30:07 Thomas: Jackson I... Is... I Mean, I This Is... I'm... This is unacceptable. I'm... I'm Gonna need To Edit in A Eli.

0:30:10 Eli: I know. I've failed to hold up my end of the bargain.

0:30:13 Thomas: I'm going to need you to laugh. I'm going to edit it in because fuck you, that was a really good joke. Every Kid Has Michael Jackson.

0:30:19 Tom: Right.

0:30:18 Eli: Okay. That was me laughing at you asking me to laugh, not me doing the, just for the clarity.

0:30:24 Thomas: Oh, all have Michael Jackson's doctor, they all... They close their eyes, the world disappears. They... Anyway, the point is I felt like we were gonna get like, you know, a tooth or two before we're just like, yeah, it's... It's all a fucking hoax. It's a pyramid scheme. We don't, you know. Anything else you want to know about? Yeah, there were no WMDs. I don't know. What else should I tell you, kid? Like, yeah, there's no fucking. There's also no hope. There's no.

0:30:45 Eli: So here's the thing about the Fed, right? The Fed, they're just making it up. They're just making a, they got a lot of numbers and they're sort of, and explain why the Fed is a Ponzi scheme.

0:30:46 Thomas: Yeah. Let me have Uncle Heath call you and talk to you about the Fed.

0:30:54 Tom: Yeah.

0:30:54 Eli: Best thing about this moment when you have two kids, at least from what I've heard, is that the parents are always then presented with this amazing moment where they, they turn to their kid, and Tom, you've talked about this, and you say, "Hey, we're going to keep the secret from your, for your little brother. Okay. So you're goingto help us keep the Secret, right? And every parent pictures like their kids sneaking into the room with them and like writing a note and Hey, you know what I thought would be fun to do. And 99 .98 % of the parents then watch their child immediately walk over to their younger sibling and be like, there's no such thing as Santa. Just so you know, there is no such things as Santa, I actually read on these no no such thing as Santa. You're stupid for thinking there's Santa half a second after.

0:31:06 Thomas: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I also want to see a beheading video, like yeah. It's it's just you go so fast, you're totally right. So here's the story of what happened, because I, again, I, when Lydia got home, I was, you know, I'm not mad, but I'm like, how did we go zero teeth? That's, that's impressive. And, and Lydia says, like, for one, obviously it's a lot, like, and dealing with it, having three fucking kids, two kids and a one-year-old, at any part, at any, any time, let alone a kid's birthday party. Like, yeah, she's gonna, they could, the Russians could ask her for the secrets. And she'd be like, yeah, what, what do you want? I'll give you all the nuclear secret. Doesn't matter. It's anything like, it's so hard to deal with that level of stress. So I'm not mad, but I am curious. Like, what happened? She's like, yeah, Phoebe, well, she fucking like waterboarded me. She just, and this is such classic Phoebe, Phoebe, too smart.

0:31:35 Eli: Yeah, exactly.

0:31:36 Tom: Right.

0:32:19 Tom: Comes

0:32:19 Thomas: She'S too.

0:32:19 Tom: Home missing her fingernails.

0:32:20 Thomas: Yeah. She was missing teeth.

0:32:20 Tom: It's like a whole thing, yeah?

0:32:22 Thomas: Phoebe's like. Yeah. Well, how about we, how are we doing a little experiment, mom? Let's find out if this teeth fairy really exists. This just the wax lady? No, she's like, yeah, no, Phoebe came up to me and she said, mom, I me is the tooth fairy real or is it just you guys? Like, just tell, just tell me the truth. And then Lydia's like, I don't, I can't, I wasn't gonna directly lie, you know, she's like I and I felt for it because I do the same thing. I actually can't lie to the kids. I always go when they ask the Santa thing, I go, I donno, what do you think? Like, I just don't, like I lying in general, so I just don't do it. But when you're asked a direct question like that, yeah, it is a little rough.

0:32:20 Eli: Yeah, yeah, that's a tough one.

0:33:00 Thomas: The

0:33:01 Eli: My thoughts on that? Here's my thought on that. If Max ever is like, tell me the truth, I'm going to be like, no, I won't tell you the truth. And let me tell you why. Cause you don't have the brain wrinkles to handle the fucking truth, right? You don't want to tell me about climate change. No, you don'T get to know about climate change. When you're 18 and everything's post -ironic and you're not going to make your mom quit her job like Greta fucking Thunberg, then we'll talk about the consequences of climate change, but until then, until you can rationally handle all the consequences of the lies I have made the decision to tell you, I'll lie to you whenever the fuck I want. The sky is green. Do you see that? You know why I lied to you just now? Because it was important in a way that I, an adult, understand that you, a child, do not. That's the relationship.

0:33:11 Tom: Right. Right.

0:33:35 Thomas: Healthy. Oh,

0:33:42 Eli: That is what's going on, motherfucker. I

0:33:43 Thomas: Man.

0:33:45 Tom: Say like with the kids, like they have asked direct questions and I'll just like I least for a few years for my kids, I've been able to pivot and deflect, you know, where you're just like, I don't know, like, what do you think? Why do you got to tell me, dad? You got to Tell me if there's really two things. I don't know. Well, look, all I know, buddy, is the tooth comes out, the tooth goes under the pillow, a dollar appears. I'm not asking a lot more questions, but you I know that some persistent kids like are, are not going to put up with that shit. But like my kids, like you can kind of deflect. And I think when you do that, they like realize he doesn't want to wink at this. Know, like, I think they're like, he doesn'T believe.

0:33:52 Thomas: Yeah, yeah.

0:34:16 Thomas: Well, also you can't discount the fact that they, they're, are kids, so they might believe you. Okay, he doesn't know. Interesting. Okay. Yeah. That's weird.

0:34:23 Tom: Right. Yeah. Dad's kind of stupid, but okay, we suspected as much all along.

0:34:24 Thomas: Yeah. Well, So yeah, he's racist, doesn't celebrate Mok day, and he's stupid. Okay, got all enough.

0:34:33 Tom: I'm not racist. No.

0:34:35 Eli: Like, This, I like, let's keep this bit going about Tom. I think it's a no. I think this one's got legs. Oh, the

0:34:37 Tom: God damn. It

0:34:38 Thomas: He explicitly does not celebrate Martin Luther King Day. I don't know what to tell you.

0:34:43 Tom: Jesus, what?

0:34:44 Thomas: Called multiple employees into work.

0:34:46 Eli: Employee he brought in today, Martin Luther King Jr's granddaughter, we forgot to mention that.

0:34:52 Thomas: Oh boy. Told Lydia. I was like, yeah, you should have just said the I don't know. And she's like, Yeah, well, you know, I fucking I panicked. I'm like, you know what? I totally understand. I've not I'm not judging because it is is a split second scenario. You do have to become again the show, the Americans, all of a sudden, sometimes with these questions from your kids, you have to, you Have to answer things unflinchingly, you kid, by the way, Phoebe put up the test where the letters are like red, but it says green.

And she's like, tell me if the tooth fairy is real. And you're like, ah, red, green, green fucking. Ah. And then She's Like, see, I knew it. They're really sharp. Those kids in some ways, they're really sharpened someways perceptives and really not not in others. And it's a hilarious combination. But I was like, yeah, no, I get it. I understand. So Lydia did exactly what you said, and what was the plan, Tom, in which she was like – well, know, okay, Phoebe, you can't tell Arlo, though. Like, yeah. It is just the parents, but you can tell Arla. And Phoebe was like, okay.

And she's excited about this. And she actually takes this obligation pretty seriously, which is classic Phoebe. So she immediately comes comes home to where I'm working and starts whispering, but in a way that's inaudible, like she's taking it so seriously, she's like, okay, I know how whispering works, it needs to be quiet, but she's doing it like five feet away from me, silently. So

0:34:52 Tom: One to get

0:35:19 Eli: Right.

0:36:01 Tom: If

0:36:01 Thomas: She's just like, I know something. And I was like, I don't, I can't, I heard like a couple of the words, I'm like, I can't hear you, sorry, we'll do this later, because she's taking it very seriously, she doesn't want, she comes and she tells me essentially like, I KNOW something, you know, she's LIKE, I KNOW SOMETHING, and we can't tell Arlo.

I was like, okay, all right, well, we'll talk about it later, cause Arlo was, was there, and she's like, okay, but she was so, she literally came right home to tell me. And she also had her tooth with her, you know, she had a plastic bag with a tooth in it cause she lost it at the party. And I was ecstatic, cause again, I was making plans for having to have this tooth for decades.

And the thing was, we still have to go through with it, cause there was a, you know, like there's a sense in which Phoebe's like. Yes. She thinks it's us. She knows this, but there's also, you know, money involved here, so she's kind of, I can't tell if she's doing this on purpose, but she's sort of Pascal's wagering it with a tooth. She's like, well,

0:36:01 Eli: She's just like sure.

0:36:49 Eli: Yeah.

0:36:50 Thomas: I don't know, maybe there I don' t know who it could be.

0:36:51 Eli: Either way I get money right. And You gotta keep, gotta keep the grift going for Arlo, am I right, mom? Yeah,

0:36:53 Thomas: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

0:36:56 Tom: I blow this for the other one, does that mean the tooth fairy doesn't show up because I'm, you know, low on cash?

0:37:01 Eli: Find

0:37:01 Thomas: And going to bed, she did a, like, well, maybe the tooth fairy, she's doing, putting on a show for Arlo, you know? Well, gonna, gonna

0:37:07 Eli: Marching up and down outside of his door, she's

0:37:09 Thomas: Go ahead and put this tooth under the pillow where the tooth weird bone lady likes it. The dark, dark web bone lady. And she's do it. This is great. She's like, gotta get some money or maybe a toy, like she's kind of like, you know, negotiating up

0:37:21 Eli: Bargaining. Right. I

0:37:22 Thomas: Yeah.

0:37:22 Tom: That she's Bargaining it up. Like

0:37:23 Thomas: She knows we're listening.

0:37:23 Eli: Heard she's giving a hundred dollars lately, mom, is that what you

0:37:27 Thomas: Yeah.

0:37:28 Tom: Alexus for a molar, what is that, what I heard, a December to remember.

0:37:35 Thomas: She's like, yeah, it's the tooth fairy could only be real if, uh, she gives you a whole car, there's otherwise Arlo's gonna find out that uh it's a hoax.

0:37:37 Tom: Well,

0:37:41 Eli: Otherwise it's just a a lie, like God,

0:37:44 Thomas: Yeah, she's

0:37:44 Eli: And the female orgasm, am I right, dad, am I right, otherwise

0:37:47 Thomas: Like it has to be an amount, amount of money that my parents couldn't afford. Otherwise, I know it's them.

0:37:51 Eli: I'd know it's them. Yeah.

0:37:52 Thomas: So she does that. And then we come home. We, we actually coincidentally were going to a dinner that night with some friends for the first time in 500 ,000 years, uh, a rare time to have some some, nice thing happen. So we got, we actual got a babysitter and we get home and you know, when we finally go out to dinner for the the first time in a hundred years, uh, you know, Lydia is going to partake in a, some vino, which we get home and I'm like, okay, first thing we need to fucking do for

0:37:52 Eli: Oh,

0:38:17 Tom: That'll help Remy sleep too, which is good, you know,

0:38:20 Thomas: First thing. We need to do is we're home late from hanging out. First thing we needed to do was fucking do this tooth fairy situation. Cause like, if we just don't do it, imagine if we. Fucking Thomas, the the, tooth fairy. Like if we just forget.

0:38:33 Eli: God, and you leave a Thomas note instead. Hey, how's it go, it's me, the tooth fairy, I, I literally can't remember what day of the week it is right now, so here's the thing, I grabbed your tooth, right now I'm gonna bring it back to the Feywild, and I'm going to bring you an equal ounce of silver in return, but when I get there, I realize, oh my god, I don't have the equal ounce of silver, it's in my other bag, so, and it's like, I, I can't emphasize that I, like, I have no brain right now, so anyways, here is an IOU for an ounce of silver for your tooth, I'm gonna get to it, I, I don't know when, I get to, I, I Honestly, I can't understand anything right now, I can't, I can't hear you speaking. Yeah.

0:39:04 Thomas: Yeah. Well, I'm just envisioning this the night before enough to where I'm like, no, I can't, this is not something I can fuck up. And I'm envisioning like, oh, the next day we have to pull some bullshit where like, really the the tooth fairy didn't visit you.

0:39:21 Eli: You gotta go full Elf on on the Shelf.

0:39:23 Thomas: And it looks like it got, uh, caught in your sheet here and do some fucking bullshit thing like that. And I, it comes to my kids, that's something I will most likely remember to prevent. So.

0:39:33 Eli: Hellraiser.

0:39:33 Thomas: Last night I was like, this is the first thing we're doing. And cut to Eli, you haven't had this experience. Tom, perhaps you have, my first time having to do the actual bullshit of the the thing thing where I'm like, oh yeah, I always knew this was our parents, but like, I got to go in to where the kids are sleeping and okay, they're pretty heavy sleepers, but not like infinitely heavy sleepers. And I got a fucking mission impossible, a money into a thing. And, and because it's the year 2000, whatever it is, it's not just, oh, it's an envelope under the pillow. And then you put them, no, she has a custom, like tooth fairy pillow. I don't fucking have any idea where it came from. She has a pillow, that's like a little pillow that has a pocket for the tooth, and it's like it might as well be a puzzle box. Like it's a fucking, I got to bring a bag of sand.

0:40:22 Eli: Pump Pops out of it. Hey, man, I think you pushed the wrong button, you don't really think, you want me, I

0:40:22 Thomas: Yeah.

0:40:27 Tom: Well, there's a thing, is the custom tooth, though, is easier than just like the tooth under the pillow, which then can get moved around and shifted and then you can't find it. So. The custom pillow is way better.

0:40:36 Eli: Think your supposed to buy two so that you can just switch the pillow, right? That's what I would do, that's my magician thinking, that's you'll

0:40:40 Thomas: That is actually very smart, but Yeah, I should add you to it. I didn' know anything about any of this, surprise surprise, I didn't know she had a custom tooth fairy pillow and I didn't even see it. So I tell Lydia, I was like, wait, you're telling me she has it? I'm going in blind, like, this I is like if Ethan fucking whatever, Mission Impossible guy, Ethan Hunt, I don't know, it's like if he had to do the whole hanging by the ceiling thing, but he has no idea what is in there. And it's like, yeah, when you get there, you'll know it. You'll know what computer thing you're doing, computers.

0:41:10 Eli: Get in there, he gets there, it's in a tiny pillow, okay, I don't understand, what am I supposed to do with this?

0:41:11 Thomas: Yeah. So, I should have bought a fucking spare pillow to bring with a microchip in it, you know, and so I go in there, I'm like, I have to dig under a sleeping child's pillow, not wake her up, with no light, by the way, if I turn on too much light, they're gonna wake up, probably, and I have do all that, a pillow I've never seen, I don't know what, what,

0:41:32 Tom: They up to Thomas standing over with a giant mag light at like fucking 60 ,000 lumens right in their eyes. Where's the goddamn tooth?

0:41:39 Thomas: Yep, I'd be like, oh, I was hunting the tooth fairy, I want to kill her, actually, I'm tired of her shit, so I was, yeah, yeah.

0:41:44 Tom: Got Tooth Fairy tags.

0:41:45 Eli: You a gift, kids. This is what daddy's trying to tell you, because that's how they whisk you away. There's

0:41:50 Tom: Tags are good for one antlerless Tooth fairy, so I

0:41:54 Thomas: They funny thing about Phoebe that made it that we had to pretty much tell her was when she comes in and tells me, she's like, yeah, because like fairies aren't real. And I was like, oh, shit. Yeah, that's a good point. So like she already knew fairies weren't real. And I think that's what happened, because she's like, OK, Santa, probably real. She's still thinking Santa's real, but fairies aren't true. So how could a tooth fairy? Why would fairies be fake, but tooth fairies be real? Like, come on, we we fuck that up. You'd have to keep up the the fairy's a real myth.

0:42:19 Eli: Again, this is the I get to lie to you thing, because then it's like, when do you have the... Okay, so there's a group of adults that are largely harmless that they think fairies are real, And if you tell them that they're not, they tell you about all the bad things that happened to them in their life. And you're like, wow, I really just didn't want to go there with you. I should have just let you say the fucking fairy thing. So, honey, here's how you tell someone with an undercut whether or not fairies are real.

0:42:30 Thomas: Nah, I'm going full Tom on that one.

0:42:48 Tom: It's like, look, look. Tooth Fairies are not real. Yeah, sure. Buddy, you're right. That's ridiculous, obviously. There's no evidence. The Tooth Faerie, I mean, there's a dollar, right?

0:42:58 Thomas: Yeah, the evidence speaks for itself.

0:42:59 Eli: Ontologically.

0:42:58 Tom: Oh, okay. All right. So I'm just saying like, you know, the tooth fairy, I get that, buddy. Like there's no I mean, the regular fairies. Yeah. I mean not. Where's the. But, that's what I would do. I would just be like, yeah, obviously, like regular fairries in the garden.

0:43:06 Eli: Read this C .S. Lewis book, Mere Fairies.

0:43:11 Tom: I means, show me where they're not dropping off any money, you You know,

0:43:11 Thomas: It's I I couldn't come up with some elaborate like, okay, so here's the thing, taxonomically, she's not really, if that's the thing. Yeah, fairies aren't real, she's related to fairies. She's not, you know, what I mean, she's not literal, yeah, she's

0:43:22 Eli: She's actually a species of dragonfly, which is crazy. Yeah, there's only one, but yeah.

0:43:25 Tom: Yeah,

0:43:27 Thomas: Was, I forgot that detail that was funny, because Phoebe came over and told me that, I was like, oh, that is iron clad, so I, I blamed Lydia even less, whereas, like, I don't know how to fucking get out of all that at a moment's notice, so it was like, all right, she knows it, whatever, but I still have to go through with it, and I is not as easy as I envisioned, what are you envisioning with this, Eli, because, because you haven't done this yet. That was stressful. I was down under the bed fucking like. I had to turn my light on. I couldn't see anything. I was going to break all my toes off. Like, but I had my phone light on, but that shit is, when you want that to be bright, it's dark, when you need it to be dark, it is the brightest floodlight that has ever happened in the world. And I am like fucking God. So I am keeping it against my leg, you know. And I'm like I have to somehow. But a flash of light, that feels even more wakey -wakey than fuck.

0:44:01 Eli: The brightest possible thing that feels, yeah, even more wakey, yeah, night

0:44:12 Thomas: So I'm, like, I'm

0:44:13 Eli: Vision goggles, it's the only way to go, Thomas, why didn't you think ahead

0:44:16 Tom: This is

0:44:15 Thomas: Yeah. Fairy branded, like, merch, like night, night vision goggles.

0:44:18 Eli: She wakes up and sees your nine red blinking eyes in the darkness, and you're like, oh, please don't be scared, please don' be scared by this, I just, please, I know that there's absolutely no way you're not scared by this but it's just, it's just Daddy, it's just Daddy, I was just, I was was just creeping towards you in the dark, please don't have a memory of this, I have a very, or do have a specific memory of what Daddy's doing right now, I need to call all your future therapists

0:44:22 Thomas: No, it's okay. I'm just Slenderman.

0:44:38 Tom: Thomas

0:44:38 Thomas: Yeah. Very important. Yeah. But Yeah, there's a moment where it's like, I might not be able to do this. Like she's all the way on the pillow, this is a, it's a fucking, what am I gonna say, like, am I going to fail, yeah.

0:44:56 Eli: Thomas, I, uh, say something that I resent you for not doing, and I hate to bring beef on the air like this, but you had a very classy way of saying Lydia was fucking wasted just now, where you said that she enjoyed a little vino. But I have seen Lydia wasted. And what you should have done is been like, alright, wasted Lydia, here's the money, get in there. Because that would have been even more fun to watch.

0:44:58 Thomas: Sure that would have been pretty

0:45:19 Eli: Is your drunk wife just cartwheeling around your toddler's room. Bam. Bam. Bam. Bam. But she starts to wake up. Lydia just punches her in the head. I got her. Metal Gear Solid. Got her.

0:45:19 Thomas: Funny, yeah, she put which one was Phoebe again, yeah, so, uh, I, but I is this

0:45:34 Eli: She brings Arlo out of the room. I have no fucking idea what she said. I got, I got another tooth out of her mouth, what, no, you're welcome, come here, you give me a kiss, give

0:45:43 Tom: Is

0:45:46 Thomas: Him now I've been searching her for money, but she doesn't have any, fuck, god, you screwed this up so much, yeah, so but fortunately, the

0:45:51 Eli: Me one of your teeth, I gotta put it in her mouth, yeah,

0:45:53 Thomas: Fake little tooth fairy pillow happened to be, like, toward the edge of the pillow, it was lucky, it was a luck, if it was right under her head, I think I was fucked, I was never getting out of there alive, but it was like, you know, she had shifted, so it was like, oh, thank god, so I do it, and the next day, first off, how much money are you putting under there, because, like, I didn't want to spoil my child, but we, here's the other thing, we We don't use cash anymore in our society, so the only thing we have is like 20s, like, I, I got some 20s for if we need to.

0:46:20 Tom: Leaving a gold card under the kid's pillow. You know just I just put a Bitcoin under there. It's just, it's wishes and dreams, anyway, she's asleep, so right,

0:46:21 Eli: Platinum card, yeah, oh, incorrect,

0:46:24 Thomas: Well, the only reason I have cash at all is I hate when somebody like comes and lifts or delivers something heavy for us and we can't tip them, so I'm like, we just, here's what I did, I went to the bank one day and got like several million 20s, now I just got like a bunch of 20s and like, I'm going to keep them in the drawer for that time when I need to tip people who do work for me, so I have a bunch of 20s and I was like, well, let's just give her 20, she doesn't know what money is really like, she doesn't use it, she can't buy anything, so I was like, yeah, just give 20, and Lydia's like, we're not giving her $20, it's like, what else, okay,

0:46:35 Tom: Yeah, that's insane, I give the kids a dollar, it's

0:46:57 Eli: No, gentlemen, let me explain why, let me explained why, it's a hundred dollar bill, and I will tell you why, I will tell, why, because look, you give your kid a dollar, I got a dollar from, from the tooth fairy, whatever, they tell their friends, my friend, can you get a dollar from the tooth fairy, do you want to do a prank on every child's parent in your kid's class, because if they go to kindergarten or preschool the next day and they're like, I got 100, you've just ruined the month for every parent of every, you're not getting it, hey, you want to skip those birthday parties, you just nailed it, my friend, because they

0:47:00 Tom: A dollar, what, a hundred dollar bill, okay,

0:47:00 Thomas: Okay, whoa, my god, okay, that's

0:47:16 Tom: This is the meanest thing ever,

0:47:17 Thomas: Yeah, yeah, every parent yep, ah, yeah,

0:47:35 Eli: Fucking hate you, that's the chance, it's a chance at a prank, 100,

0:47:35 Thomas: Yep, I was just gonna say, knowing, being in this situation, if my kid told me that, I would be like, which kid? Which kid? And I would look up their parents to know, like, I'm either going to talk to them or just fuck those parents, I'm not dealing with them. No, your name would be known if, like, within the daycare community.

0:47:52 Eli: Will be known, I can't wait, I'm gonna do wild shit, it's gonna be keys to a Buick, I'll just be like, yeah, no, brought you a Buic, it, was just glaring at me, yeah,

0:47:53 Thomas: Yeah. You're going to walk in for drop off or pick up in your kid's daycare, and like everyone in the office will be eyeballing you. Like, there's going to be a sign like the wanted, like don't sell to this man, you know, kind of thing. But like, uh, so yeah. But my thinking was like, well, a dollar is fucking, that's nothing in today's economy. Like, what is she doing with that?

0:48:08 Eli: I mean, they already had that sign at my kid's preschool, so there's just got another reason for it,

0:48:13 Tom: She can't pay any of your bills with this dollar, she got to knock out the whole left side of her jaw just to get a cup of coffee, you know what I mean, that's

0:48:24 Thomas: And Yeah. Yeah. Well, she needs to buy her insulin or something.

0:48:27 Eli: Was you gonna take a meeting with Tom on Christmas,

0:48:31 Thomas: Yeah. And so I'm like, Well, that is stupid. But you know, I guess I hear your argument that 20 is too much because Lydia was like no, we can't do that. I was like she doesn't know what any of of it is. I just give her 20. Who cares?

0:48:41 Tom: Why a dollar is perfectly fine, it's a totem, it's not like a, you, she doesn't need to use it to buy things, you're giving her a totems, that's it, so you get a give her a dollar,

0:48:43 Thomas: Yeah. But, but so I told Lydia, I went, did one of those things where I go all in on an argument where I'm like, we don't have a dollar bill. Where are we going to get a dollar Bill? She's like, yeah, no, I have a $1 bill. I'm like, well, all right. Well, the, I, I win all in.

0:48:56 Eli: You've

0:49:04 Thomas: I, yeah.

0:49:03 Eli: Had a dollar bill, this whole time, so

0:49:04 Tom: There goes my whole argument, that's it, Thomas,

0:49:06 Thomas: No, I put all my chips on that. I was like, I don't care that much about this argument, but it was like all right, here's my my last gambit on this argument. All in.

0:49:11 Tom: Goes all in with a stack of 20s,

0:49:13 Thomas: I'm all, yeah, I'm all in. If you can call me with a single dollar bill, it's yours. You can, that'll be what I use because you're too drunk to do the tooth fairy.

0:49:13 Tom: You know, here we go, oh,

0:49:17 Eli: Side, jokes aside, do you know what I'm actually going to use for Max's tooth fairy dollars?

0:49:27 Thomas: A bigger tooth.

0:49:28 Eli: Now, I'll give you guys a hint. I'll gave you guys hint because I think you can maybe even guess this. All right. Now, here's my hint. I'm an idiot with money. And what does an idiot have in their possession? Close.

0:49:27 Tom: God, what, yeah, bitcoin,

0:49:42 Eli: But I'm not smart enough to do Bitcoin.

0:49:42 Tom: NFTs

0:49:42 Thomas: I was going to say like classical, like collectible coins, like some weird, oh, the silver dollar.

0:49:44 Tom: Gold,

0:49:45 Eli: Okay, what's an old Persian version of that kind of stupid? You're so close. Silver Dollars. That's right. Right.

0:49:50 Thomas: Yeah, yeah.

0:49:51 Tom: See? I think that's super fun. I

0:49:51 Thomas: Yeah. Because it's also different. So they're going to be like, oh oh yeah, the ferry would have different money.

0:49:58 Tom: Because again, is just a totem. Like, when your grandpa gave you a two dollar bill, like, did you guys, did your grandparents ever give you two dollar bills? Yeah. Two dollar bills are awesome.

0:50:02 Thomas: Yeah.

0:50:03 Eli: Carry around Yeah. You know how I got into two dollar bills? A listener was like, hey, do you guys like two dollar bills? And I was like what do you carry around $2 bills for? And he was like you give these to people they lose their fucking shit. Such a nice thing to do for people. You do it as a part of a tip or you do it for little kids. Eli, you do magic. You should do this.

0:50:09 Tom: What's yeah

0:50:23 Eli: And he walked away and I was like, oh, yeah, thanks man. And I was like, fuck, that's good. And so I carry around like three or four or two dollar bills at all times.

0:50:23 Thomas: Oh, that is true. That is awesome.

0:50:30 Tom: It's It's, they're still awesome. Like, don't need two dollars all that much, but like a two dollar bill is still special. It's, that's actually what I should. I want to go back in time and do that.

0:50:37 Thomas: Who is on that thing again? I forget. Bill Clinton?

0:50:40 Tom: I think I am. I'm on there.

0:50:40 Eli: Thomas. Jefferson. Jeffrey.

0:50:40 Thomas: Who is it? Jefferson, that right.

0:50:42 Tom: Yeah.

0:50:42 Eli: Epstein.

0:50:45 Thomas: Pretty much. So, no, I agree with that. And I like the the strategy of doing money that's different than like, you know, because it's fair. It's very money. So I thought Eli, by the way, was going to say, yeah, you know, that trillion dollar coin they minted to get out of the, uh, to raise the debt ceiling, and like Eli would have it, like his, you know, his dad would have given him the trillion dollar coin or something.

0:50:45 Eli: And Bill Clinton.

0:51:02 Eli: Thomas.

0:51:02 Thomas: So that's good, I like that, except you wasn't prepared for this. And also, apparently we don't even, the fucking tooth fairy doesn't exist, I just learned, so who cares.

0:50:57 Tom: Know

0:51:09 Eli: You didn't think you had a one dollar bill in your house? I had no illusions that you had

0:51:14 Thomas: Why

0:51:13 Tom: But you had $2 bills or Sacagawea coins or whatever laying around.

0:51:14 Eli: Oh,

0:51:14 Thomas: Would you have a one dollar bill? I the only dollar that we had in the house was the most pathetic, crumbly dollar that, I don't know if Lydia from, like, a drug deal or something still had it, or, but I put this, yeah no, it would be neater if it was her coke dollar, but you know, you need some, you some firmness in that thing, this was just

0:51:27 Eli: Her coke dollar her Lydia is very neat when she does coke. I can confirm that here on the air about her. Oh.

0:51:35 Thomas: Just, this was

0:51:36 Tom: Well, when she starts off, sure. But by the end of the night, it's...

0:51:41 Thomas: Is just a crumply, like you put it through the fucking laundry dollar. And I'm like, God, this ist so sad. I, we should have done the 20. You know what? I'm taking it back. Lydia, if you're listening right now, we sh- we should've done the twenty. This was terrible. But sure enough, next morning, Phoebe wakes up. Oh my God, I have a dollar. Like she's so excited about the dollar that she has. It's the most exciting thing she's ever had. And, uh, the funny thing about kids is now she doesn't know, like, because she saw the actual dollar, she's like, well, this is, this changes everything, she's

0:52:09 Tom: Yeah, you you fucked with her head, right? Right? Yeah, it's like Santa's not real, but you come downstairs on Christmas morning and there's a bunch of presents and they say Santa, and part of your brain's like, but maybe, but maybe I don't, but

0:52:16 Thomas: Hmm, yeah, even though this was exactly what was described before. Now that I see it, yeah, and so she comes over and I got a little the fucking the third degree that Lydia got, and so I felt a little bit of Phoebe's fucking, you know, grand inquisitor fucking she's able to do because she because

0:52:22 Tom: Right. When I, cause it's right there.

0:52:35 Tom: You got to get her like a chew toy that you can throw when she starts doing that just to distract her. Just be like squeak, squeak and just hurl it. You know?

0:52:38 Thomas: She comes over, she asked me, she was like, did mom put this under my pillow? I was like, no, no, and she's like, did you put it under my pill, and I was, a fuck, I should have anticipated that was the next question because I can't say no because I'm not going to, so I was, I don't know, but she's a kid, so she didn't yeah, yeah, and

0:52:57 Tom: I know is it's under your pillow. It's under your, but you got to learn to deflect better, Thomas, you've got to learn to reflect better.

0:53:03 Thomas: Believe it, well, I did an okay job, she might believe it, she might be back in, I don't know, that's my story. Oh,

0:53:08 Tom: So right, can I return real quick, what did you do with the fucking tooth, please tell me you didn't save the tooth, please don't be, God.

0:53:15 Eli: Can I predict, can I predict, I'd

0:53:16 Thomas: Okay,

0:53:16 Tom: You're gonna make a necklace out of them.

0:53:18 Eli: I'd to predict, yep, that was gonna be you're way ahead of me, he was like, so I'm obviously gonna make a necklace because I love my kids so much, and I, oh my

0:53:21 Tom: Oh, God,

0:53:19 Thomas: Go ahead, I would like you to predict no, no, I would let you both do, here's the game show, predict what Lydia wanted to do and what I wanted to, go, well,

0:53:25 Eli: God, okay. Uh, you wanted to make it into a necklace, but it was in your hand, you thought a thought, and then it was gone. Lydia was, Lydia was like, we should probably just throw it out or something, and then she did, no,

0:53:43 Thomas: I was surprised, uh, Tom, were you, you going to guess, or you don't care?

0:53:46 Tom: I both are savers of this tooth, I feel like both of you guys are saving this tooth, I don't know if Lydia's crafty or not, but well,

0:53:48 Thomas: Oh man.

0:53:50 Eli: Fucking shot Amelia Earhart's body has a better chance of turning up in the Smith household than this fucking tooth, you

0:53:58 Thomas: Interesting.

0:53:58 Tom: When I say saving, I mean, not throwing away, I don't know that it's still being saved, though, but there's no way you pitched it, there's no way that you just were like, well, there's a tooth, and it just went in the garbage, where garbage and biological waste belongs, oh,

0:54:00 Thomas: Interesting, okay.

0:54:11 Thomas: A delightfully Thomas and Lydia way that we handled this. I was actually surprised because I was actually more on tom's lines in, in terms of predicting what Lydia would want. Like, cause Like, Lydia comes in, she's like, oh yeah, just throw that fucking shit in the garbage. Like just instantly to put it down in the garbage disposal. I was like, what?

0:54:25 Tom: That's great, good, 10 points for Lydia, yes.

0:54:28 Thomas: Really? I was, I was surprised at that. I was Like, well, okay. Hmm. All right. I, she was like yeah, it's gross. It's a fucking tooth. It's disgusting. And to, to her credit, she had to, you know, hang around with the thing all day. Cause like Phoebe was just like carrying it around. Whereas I had barely even seen it. And I'm thinking.

0:54:43 Eli: Just singing in the seat next door in the car, Sweet Caroline, fuck, I hate this tooth, 100

0:54:48 Tom: Yes,

0:54:46 Thomas: Thinking, and I'm thinking like, well, all right, that seems, I was like, okay, obviously we're both doing the thing where we project forward and you're like, Well, you're not going to keep a bag of teeth. Like I get that. Like you're, you don't want to keep every tooth that she loses probably.

0:55:01 Eli: % gonna keep every tooth.

0:55:02 Thomas: Cause that's gross. Okay. That's the three bears. Eli will do that. But like, we're like yeah, that will get gross. So, so then logic, my logical brain's like, well, we're not doing that. So but we both at the same time, Lydia and I were like, Like, yeah, but maybe the first one, keep the first one, you know, something.

0:55:16 Thomas: And she was like, yeah maybe the 1st. And so here's what I did, which is total you, Thomas way to do it, was like, well, logically speaking, we're unsure, and matter what decision we make, it might involve keeping the 1 st one. So we're going to keep this one and just table it. We're going table the discussion until another tooth, you know, until next tooth we meet, because, you know, like, we might keep it or we might not, either way, We' re not going to regret not throwing it away for, like, a day, so fucking it's sitting on the shelf somewhere, and then we'll forget about it until the next tooth, yeah,

0:55:15 Tom: No, no, it's gross.

0:55:41 Eli: It's gone, yeah, gentlemen, can I tell you why I'm gonna keep all my son's teeth and you're gonna feel pretty fucking stupid, once, you do a couple of years ago in the grand year of '20, he's just got tiny baby teeth, walking around, oh, that's a great prank, uh, no, I couple years ago, 2022, 2020, if I told you that something like chat gpt was around the corner, you'd have called me me crazy, if I told you about our aeronautics and space exploration abilities 30, 40 years ago, you would have called me a madman. I'm holding on to my son's teeth for one reason and one reason only, gentlemen, it's fucking clones, that's right, you never know when a plot relevant truck is going to come take your child from you, and his teeth will

0:55:49 Tom: To make Noah a set of dentures.

0:56:27 Thomas: I

0:56:28 Eli: Be the keys that unlock the door to a brand, brand new son, this time with super cool, naturally growing blue hair, and y'all are gonna feel pretty stupid when I can grow us new kid, fucking animal cemetery style, and it's all chill and cool, maybe, you

0:56:38 Tom: I feel like, yeah, that'll get me but this technology specifically requires teeth in order to function, and no other DNA from, like, a toothbrush or anything else.

0:56:58 Eli: Guys are gonna be out there in the backyard, which is where you buried your children for some reason, with a shovel, having to grab a femur while I just have a nice little, little teeth, to pop down to 23 and baby check.

0:57:04 Tom: I rattling jar of body parts, like laying around.

0:57:14 Thomas: I forget if someone has already done this bit, but if this happened to any of us while we were post puberty, I mean, I think they know where they can go get a bunch of DNA, like, pretty easily. You know, and literally really anywhere in the fucking room, honestly, uh,

0:57:28 Tom: It's like a Jackson Pollock in here.

0:57:29 Eli: The sock drawer, Johnson. Oh really, yeah, check the sock drawer. All right, gentlemen, before we go, why do you never see pigs hiding in trees? Because they're good at it. Little

0:57:30 Thomas: Nice, back

0:57:50 Tom: That's a good joke, actually. That's a good joke uh

0:57:52 Thomas: To quality anyone

0:57:58 Clip: Want to meet sexy DILFs in your area? Email the dads at DearOldDads.com or, better yet, send us a message on Patreon. You can follow us on all social media by checking the links in the show notes. And if you need more podcasts in your life, you can find Tom on Cognitive Dissonance, Thomas on Serious Inquiries Only, and Eli on Godawful Movies and all the Puzzle in the Thunderstorm shows. Dear Old Dads is edited and produced by my favorite DILF, Tom Smith, who also wrote and recorded the intro music, which is used with his permission. This podcast is a production of Daddy Issues LLC. Copyright 2022. All rights reserved.

0:58:37 Thomas: Got a little, little one, yeah, we went long, oh, you just tell him, Tom fell asleep, he's

0:58:38 Tom: Story uh

0:58:40 Eli: Parenting story, he's you know, he is full he is in full -on slumber.

0:58:45 Tom: Shit

0:58:46 Thomas: Passed out, the story is just Tom snoring, yeah, oh.