DOD103: A Very Merry Christmas Episode

Transcript

This transcript was generated automatically and may contain errors — the audio is the record.

0:00:28 Tom: Welcome to Dear Old Dads, the podcast with a heart two sizes too small. I'm Tom Curry, and I'm joined as always by Thomas Smith and Eli Bosnick. Hello gentlemen.

0:00:38 Thomas: Ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas! We got it, yeah.

0:00:43 Eli: I feel like I need to do the dreidel song as my intro and that's problematic. That's I don't

0:00:47 Tom: Is the dreidel song problematic?

0:00:48 Thomas: Wait, why is that problematic?

0:00:49 Eli: First no, I just meant that me having to do that. I felt like the need to represent

0:00:52 Thomas: Oh, I wasn't sure. I thought we had like a baby, it's dreidel outside situation. Like the dreidel. Yeah, the dreidels.

0:00:57 Eli: There no there is a second verse To the dreidels song.

0:01:01 Thomas: It's like sticking up your ass and then we get, yeah, dreidel, it gets cold outside.

0:01:03 Tom: I was... Baby it's dreidel outside. Holy shit.

0:01:08 Thomas: That would have been better, actually.

0:01:02 Eli: Um, it's pretty intense. Yeah. Hmm you know, baby. It's dreidel outside is way better because now you get to picture like an ominous dreidel at the window just Just skronking it, whatever. However a dreidel would skronk through the window at these people.

0:01:11 Thomas: Okay. Oh, we all know how a dreidel would squawk. It would be perfectly silent.

0:01:25 Tom: Can we The dreidel makes all the noise in the world. It's breathwork, actually.

0:01:27 Eli: Thank you.

0:01:28 Tom: It's a breathwork thing, yeah. Is this scream into the heavens I guess about it's

0:01:31 Thomas: I'm glad that all of our listeners were like, "What's breathwork?" So, you know, I think, I think well, I don't think we're all on the same

0:01:36 Tom: I don't know what it means, either.

0:01:37 Eli: Not my beautiful perverts. If you compare the Facebook posts of the people who agreed with me on the OnlyFans and the people who didn't know Breathwork, no crossover. Two circles that do not touch, my friends.

0:01:45 Thomas: Yeah, yeah,

0:01:49 Tom: I almost want to talk about the Baby It's Cold Outside, so

0:01:54 Eli: Oh, God. That is such a weird controversy, non -controversy, right? And right? It almost, here's the thing, if you're willing to have that conversation with a good actor, which is impossible to do, right? Because someone will come in and be like, so you're telling me, and then it's over, right. But if you'RE willing to HAVE that conversation with someone who won't ruin it, it is actually the perfect example of Spinozian deconstructionism versus regular literary critique, which is, does the intention of the author matter? Like, there's a really good death of the author conversation to be had about Baby It's Cold Outside, and I'm just waiting for the literary magazine, let me say this, who's brave enough to have it. Come on, what is it, Garda, Garda? Get in there. Yeah.

0:02:05 Thomas: Yeah.

0:02:21 Thomas: What, I was gonna say that's Yeah.

0:02:41 Thomas: There's like the initial backlash. And I don't know, that was like six years ago, I feel like or whatever. And then there's the like, well, actually, it's a female empowerment song because she's finding a way to stay. She wants to stay and find the more is the time you had to find these excuses. And it's like, OK, maybe that's true. I don'T know. Know best but case okay I guess there's a meaning of it that is fine, but also, who cares? It's not like, there's not a law saying

0:03:05 Eli: That's not the side you're on. So it becomes this weird, beautiful thing, right, where they're using like progressive aggressive argument to pwn progressives. It's just, culture is so dead, right, that the like, the very ability to communicate about a Christmas song has been decimated beneath the feet of a social internet that's turned us into slathering ghouls. And like, it's everyone, right? That's the best part, is that there are no sane people left, and when they do say sane things, we murder them, right?

When there's one guy, every three years a guy will do a TED talk where he's like, "Hey, everybody, um, I think phones probably have some good uses, but you are literally murdering each other over bright blue paint that hits your eyes in a right way. So maybe you could..." And we're like, "Get the fuck off the stage, you bloody piece of shit." And he just goes back, he writes a little book that nobody reads, or starts a podcast that nobody listens to.

And then Joe Rogan has Hitler on from a time machine, gets 20 ,000 times the views, and half of them are people who are only listening ironically. And it's just, oh, it's the fucking best.

0:03:06 Thomas: Yeah.

0:04:11 Thomas: I guess

0:04:12 Eli: It's the best.

0:04:12 Thomas: What we're trying to say is Merry Christmas everyone! And to all a good night.

0:04:19 Eli: To remember that poet. There's an Irish poet who wrote right after World War II about sort of trying to rebuild the world after it had been so thoroughly destroyed. And I feel like that's what our kids will talk about when it comes to Facebook. Book, they'll be like, where amongst the ashes was paint and song, a muffler after the Zuckerberg fires burned away my father's sons. God, what's that name? What's the poet's name? I'm gonna remember it.

0:04:45 Thomas: Asking the wrong me.

0:04:47 Eli: Asking the right, come on, Tom, this is what your doctorate's in, do it

0:04:48 Thomas: Tom, Yeah, Tom should shit

0:04:46 Tom: I don't even know what you're referring to. T know what poem you're referring to, it's not The Wasteland, right?

0:04:50 Thomas: I I vaguely know what you're talking about but I can't remember a poet on a good day who I love is

0:04:54 Eli: It's not a wasteland, that's

0:04:56 Tom: No, I don't' t know. I don '' t know what poem you're talking about.

0:04:58 Thomas: It water everywhere not a drop. This

0:05:02 Tom: Are the roses red and the violets blue? Because otherwise, I' m laughing.

0:05:02 Thomas: Is

0:05:01 Eli: What it is and you know the only thing and You know, the only thing worse than World War II, fellas, and the terrible destruction it wreaked on the human condition generally? Why, it's the auto ads. Yes, the auto adds, truly the battle field of your enjoyment of our podcast, strewn with the bodies of young listeners who might otherwise give this podcast a chance. But you, you can be the heavenly angels soaring out of the sky to bring those young, young men back to heaven with Jesus. That's what we believe here on this show.

0:05:39 Eli: You can do that by giving us money at Patreon, all of which we give to church, because we're very intense Christians, over at patreon .com forward slash Dear Old Dads. You'll get commercial -free versions of every single episode, a monthly bonus, and even an extended little parenting story at the end of every episode when Tom's not too busy skronking it.

0:05:38 Tom: What is even happening right now?

0:05:39 Thomas: It's really moving actually

0:06:02 Eli: But it hurt me, it

0:06:00 Tom: One time once one time I was

0:06:03 Thomas: At this point, I want to defend you, it was one time, everyone

0:06:06 Eli: I'm just saying when we look at the scoreboard only one of us has failed to earn their rest on this podcast. A blog to your boys about that.

0:06:06 Tom: God damn it, God damn it see this is why I never fail, otherwise you just never stop taking shit for it well

0:06:20 Eli: You never, that's true.

0:06:22 Thomas: No, no, Tom, you got to be like me and just constantly fail. And then no one, it's not notable.

0:06:26 Eli: Then I lose count right, my spreadsheet overwhelms me and you

0:06:27 Thomas: Yeah. Like, like you like to make another joke about me being late, but it's like, all right, man, move on to another material, you know, like, come on.

0:06:34 Eli: Know we get it, come on, yeah. At a certain point the rule of threes eliminates.

0:06:38 Tom: Guys. Thomas, do people lie to you about when stuff is to get you to be there on time? I'm curious if it's gotten there yet.

0:06:41 Thomas: Yeah, there you go. No. And And, I'll tell you, I almost wish they would, you wow.

0:06:50 Tom: Do it for Haley all the time. I just, I put, I'll put the time in wrong on our, on our shared calendar. No, she likes it. She's grateful for it. Like I I am the timekeeper in the house. And she does it to herself. She'll put the time in wrong sometimes and right other times. That way she can't trust her own calendar.

0:06:52 Thomas: Oh, wow Wow. Ooh. Okay. Yeah. But okay. But here's the thing. Me give you some advice. Haley, listen for a sec, Haley. Tom, you got to switch it up though. Cause what, people what, like me and Haley do is anything we'll figure it out instantly. And so then we'll just price that in, you know, like, well, no. Well,

0:07:16 Tom: Well, that's what I'm saying. She puts it in right sometimes and wrong other times so she can'T trust herself.

0:07:19 Thomas: Okay, good. But that's, that's her. I'm saying you need to also, you should go in there and change her shit. Like just just go in and bump something an hour or whatever half hour, yeah.

0:07:27 Eli: Whoa.

0:07:22 Tom: Right. Oh, that'S a good one. That'S GOOD one.

0:07:29 Thomas: Keep her on her toes, yeah.

0:07:29 Eli: That's a good, here's me speak from across the Rubicon. Cause I did this to a friend of mine. Um, who's always late. Uh, and then one time he was on time and the problem is then you have to have the, I didn't trust you to be an adult conversation. Conversation, and luckily, my friend was pretty chill about it, but if you've never had the, like, well, see, the problem is you don't respect other people, so I had to, no, I know you think you do, no, you know, it's very important to you that you think You do, but you don't, um, because we all,

0:07:45 Thomas: Exactly. Well, That's the end of our podcast, everybody. See

0:08:03 Tom: That's the end of a friendship right there. I think I just saw something break down.

0:08:05 Thomas: You later. Uh, Yeah.

0:08:04 Eli: We, yeah, exactly, to Be fair, it was a wedding, it was a wedding. It was an emergency that he be be on time.

0:08:10 Tom: That's an important event.

0:08:11 Eli: And and I kept it brief.

0:08:11 Thomas: Just like the record to note I beat tom today by about a minute onto the show so uh

0:08:17 Tom: I'll did. You did indeed. You did. Absolutely.

0:08:18 Eli: True. Well, You know, Tom is sort of the slacker of our podcast. If you will too.

0:08:22 Tom: That's true. That's truly true. I'm still barely getting anything done. Mostly just playing Xbox over here.

0:08:27 Eli: Busy skronking it, you know, do you know, he got an hour and 46 minutes of sleep last night, everybody. It's like, uh, I'm sorry, Rumble Stiltzkin, some of us have, oh, work in the morning starting at one, which is when the first thing I had to do today was

0:08:30 Thomas: The image of Tom playing Xbox is Wait, did you mean Rip Van Winkle? Is that what you were going for, or does Rumpelstiltskin also sleep a lot?

0:08:46 Eli: Uh, no, actually, I was going for Rumpelstiltskin. He has narcolepsy, and you're ableist for... That's a HIPAA violation.

0:08:52 Thomas: I just wow. Hold on, I beat Tom on time, I beat it, some sort of literary reference, on Eli, if you call it that. I don't know. Oh,

0:08:59 Eli: I mean, if we're gonna go with fucking John Jingle Fingerheimer Schmidt as the fucking...

0:09:06 Thomas: Man, I'm just wondering if I, like, there's something weird happened last night and I, like, my body switch was, you know what I mean, like body snatcher types.

0:09:11 Eli: That's true. Yeah, no. You look in the mirror, and your Lydia.

0:09:16 Eli: And you slap your cheeks and go, ah!

0:09:18 Thomas: If that's true, I'm gonna need a few minutes

0:09:19 Tom: I'm gonna need some time alone. I'm like, everybody says like, that, like, what would you do if, like, you body swapped with your wife? I would just be alone though, I'd be like yeah I got, I know what I'm doing at least day one.

0:09:21 Thomas: Yeah. It'd be for a while. This is, welcome to our Christmas episode, everybody. Ho, ho, ho. Hopefully you've got the kids around the fire.

0:09:34 Tom: Right.

0:09:39 Eli: Tom comes marches out of his car. He's marching out Of the bathroom that actually didn't feel that bad, Missy. So I'll have you know that the time for excuses is over.

0:09:50 Tom: Holy shit, what?

0:09:52 Eli: I'll let you know I got my whole fist up there. You are a whiner. I'm going to say it now. I'm happy to say you're a whine.

0:09:54 Thomas: Oh, God. Need to learn a little something

0:09:54 Tom: Oh, my God.

0:10:03 Eli: What swapped bodies with your wife and it turns out periods didn't hurt that much? Oh, man. I'd never let it go.

0:10:03 Thomas: Called grit. They were all just like...

0:10:13 Tom: Don't send us the email. I don't want that.

0:10:14 Thomas: Oh,

0:10:16 Eli: It's not physically possible, everybody. Don't worry. You're safe inside the joke zone with John Jingleheimer Schmidt and Rumpelstiltskin, who has narcolepsy. It's fine. It's fun.

0:10:16 Thomas: Gosh. Trying to imagine how the story goes that he's sleeping on. All the time you have to guess. My, yeah, I guessed his name, but he's asleep. But nothing happened, I don't. I thought

0:10:30 Eli: You have to. He's got to say, I got to wait for him to wake up. You can't wake him because they wake up punching.

0:10:40 Tom: Doesn't I say it again. Do I have to say it again, hey, is it, Rumplefuck. We

0:10:40 Thomas: Yeah. What? The the hell are we talking? I thought I had something

0:10:49 Tom: Want to talk about. Grinches, we want to talk, so Christmas Grinches. So I, to, I want to start with a little story that I used to be the world's biggest Christmas Grinch. I was not a Christmas person at all. I didn't like Christmas too much as a kid, like as a kid I was a big Christmas fan, in in general.

0:10:49 Thomas: No,

0:10:51 Eli: Christmas Grinches.

0:10:58 Thomas: You don't say. Well, because your mom got you an alligator that bit your leg off, so yeah.

0:11:06 Eli: Yeah, no, that'll do it. That'll get you.

0:11:08 Tom: That a bummer. I was surprised she wrapped it, though. I did like that. I thought the effort.

0:11:11 Eli: Yeah. How else would it surprise you?

0:11:12 Thomas: That's just impressive. Yeah.

0:11:16 Tom: I was never a big Christmas fan. My dad has a birthday on December the 30th. And when he was growing up, he would always tell the story that like he would get the presents for Christmas and the batteries for his birthday was his joke. But like his birthday, he always felt was like very overshadowed by Christmas. My brother's birthday is December the 16th. So my dad, I think in a very like good hearted gesture to not like my brother's birthday, the way that my dad felt overshadowed, he didn't sort of like start Christmas in our house. Like no tree went up, nothing like that until after Bob's birthday. And that's after my brother's birth. So the tree went off December 17th at the earliest, but really what it went up is the first weekend after my mother's birthday, birthday, because that was when he and Lynn would get together and we do the family tree thing, so like a lot of times the tree would be up like two or three days before Christmas, and sometimes the tree would go up the same day we celebrated Christmas because

0:11:30 Thomas: Yeah.

0:11:30 Eli: Yeah. Yeah.

0:11:39 Thomas: Give him batteries for both,

0:12:09 Eli: Lynn's like, how do you keep all the needles from getting on the floor? Well, you know, just I'm a I'm a clean man who checks to make sure. Thought for certain you were going to tell me that like Santa had insulted your dad once and he was like, all right, no Christmas, no fucking.

0:12:15 Tom: Because we was like I'm out, I'm fucking. You didn't like my wood carving. I'm not doing this anymore, more so

0:12:24 Thomas: Your dad killed a mall Santa? Yeah.

0:12:27 Eli: He used to work as an elf. Honestly, if your dad used to working as an Elf and then the working conditions were too good, it makes a lot of sense. Honestly. He was like I'm sorry. These soft asses over here, milk and cookies

0:12:32 Tom: But whatever reason, dad and Lynn, they did not like, Lynn didn't come over on Christmas day, so we always had a separate Christmas, that was like our family Christmas, it was never on Christmas day, and so like it just didn't have that same sort of special feel, it was like, oh, we're just going to do Christmas on this coming Sunday or whatever, so it didn't have that like you wake up Christmas morning kind of like feel to it.

And then, then on Christmas day a lot of times we'd go up to visit family up in Michigan, and the same thing, it was like we're visiting family, it's extended family I only see for Christmas or Thanksgiving, there's no like presents or gathering around the tree, so just kind of lost the magic of it. So for like a lot of my life I was a bit of a Grinch. I'm like, fuck Christmas, like not my thing, don't really love it.

But I have completely come around and I want to make the case today for making yourself come around if you're a Christmas Grinch, because it is so much better, it is like life is just like orders of magnitude better embracing Christmas. And I mean like embracing all of movies, it, the, the fucking Elf on

0:13:37 Tom: The shelf, the Santa Claus yeah, get

0:13:38 Thomas: Yeah.

0:13:37 Eli: The birth of Christ wait whoa, whoa, whoa, sorry, I had a bit but I'm going to screech this podcast to the halt. The Elf on the Shelf, Tom. Tom,

0:13:47 Thomas: Oh, yeah. No, we don't do that. We don't do that, nah.

0:13:50 Eli: Okay.

0:13:49 Tom: Into it with your kids. Yep, yeah. Let's do it, let's talk about this, let's

0:13:51 Eli: No, wait, I want to save you, Tom. I

0:13:52 Thomas: Elf in the Shelf did not even exist like five minutes ago. It's a new thing. Oh

0:13:55 Tom: What, so, what new things can still be fun. Oh, no,

0:13:59 Eli: Because here's what I believe from the center of my heart, what I have to believe, I have to believe that Tom is not aware of all the rules around Elf on a Shelf and that when we tell him, he will be as right that he just takes an elf, he

0:14:11 Tom: Yeah, yeah,

0:14:09 Thomas: And then he just puts like an elf on a shelf. He's like, yeah, see, look, it's cute. What's the the problem with it?

0:14:14 Tom: But so That, that's the thing I want to talk about, it's like Elf on the Shelf is not like canonical, right? Like you just said, Thomas, it's made up bullshit. Bullshit, but who gives a shit, so

0:14:22 Thomas: Yeah. Yeah.

0:14:21 Eli: Comes with a book, he comes from the fucking book. So does Christ, I'm just saying,

0:14:26 Tom: I'm right there with you. Right? So does the Bible. Every major religion comes with a book that nobody follows. You don't have to do it. You can just embrace the parts you like and discard the parts you don't, and literally nothing bad happens except for the kids get to enjoy a fun tradition. That's it.

0:14:43 Eli: Cool.

0:14:42 Thomas: Well, what's fun about elf on the show? Okay. So I,

0:14:43 Tom: Right? All the kids love it.

0:14:45 Eli: Well I want to hear the curry

0:14:46 Tom: I will tell you.

0:14:46 Thomas: Yeah,

0:14:46 Eli: Version yeah so for those of you who don't know, wait, let me explain the real version and then I want you to give us the

0:14:48 Tom: Yeah. Yeah.

0:14:47 Thomas: Yeah, actually. Yeah, let's hear that. Okay. It's going to be, it's going going to be more like 1980, whatever, it's gonna

0:14:53 Eli: Good version yeah yeah it's gonna. It's worse. He's like, oh, no, you can't be in the same room, let alone touch it. Okay. So according to the official Bible, which, again, give it a couple thousand years, people will be fighting a war over this, right? According to the oficial rules of Elf on the Shelf, Elf of the Shelve is a fucking narc for Santa who watches you to see if you're good or bad. And then he's going to tell Santa and you might not get presents. But it gets worse, right, because the creators of Elk on the Shelve were like, hey, eventually even children figure out that. Collaborators with fascist regimes should be the first to die. What do we do about that? So the

0:14:57 Thomas: Yeah it's going to be worse than I don't

0:15:32 Tom: No.

0:15:32 Eli: Secondary rule, and if haven't seen this video, Tom, I will halt our podcast to show it to you, is you cannot touch Elf on the Shelf. Otherwise, you're automatically naughty and you lose all your presents.

0:15:36 Thomas: Know what this is oh

0:15:46 Eli: And based on both of your lack of reaction, I'm guessing you have not seen the myriad videos of kids Kids who have accidentally touched Elf on the Shelf. Gentlemen, just hold one second.

0:15:46 Thomas: My god no holy crap are you kidding me yeah, yeah

0:16:00 Eli: Kids touched ElF on the shelf. Truly listen to this absolute horror show. The rules are that you can't touch the Elf on the shelf because then it fucking dies or something. I actually don't know.

0:16:12 Thomas: Is that's insane yeah, well, this is on the level of the Jimmy fucking Eat World, one of the jimmies who did the steal your candy right right? Jimmy Kimmel.

0:16:21 Eli: Oh, Jimmy Kimmel. I was like, Jimmy eat world.

0:16:22 Thomas: Yeah.

0:16:23 Tom: Jimmy world. I'm like, what the fuck is that

0:16:24 Thomas: I knew it wasn't

0:16:25 Eli: Jimmy Kimmel, the steal your kids. This, I would argue this is the worst prank adults do on kid and falls solidly.

0:16:25 Thomas: Jimmy Fallon. Even well, that's what I'm saying. Even worst than, um, than the Halloween candy prank. Cause that we already are on the record on the show of that's the fuck that's child abuse, like literal child abuse.

0:16:35 Eli: Yeah. You Is child abuse. But one of the amazing things about that is occasionally you'll see a child who ugliness has made gentle, right? Like if you you watch enough of them eventually you'll see the mom be like, "Sorry, I ate your candy," and the kid's like, "It's okay, I'm used to being disappointed by you," and they're like, "Oh man, I'm gonna be writing to Dennis Prager about why don't I see my grandkids, aren't I? Oh, beans."

0:16:57 Thomas: They're So this tradition doesn't have that redeeming qualities, these, what you're saying.

0:17:05 Eli: This does not. No, all right.

0:17:07 Thomas: Did

0:17:07 Eli: I just want you to listen, listen to the audio and know that what has happened happened is that children have touched Elf on the shelf, yeah.

0:17:09 Tom: Okay.

0:17:13 Thomas: This is like, okay. I just want to let you guys know this may genuinely be disturbing to me, but I will still, uh,

0:17:15 Tom: Oh.

0:17:19 Clip: KEEPGOINGOUT! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA

0:17:32 Tom: A fucking murder

0:17:30 Eli: It's like a Greek tragedy. It's like a Greek tragedy.

0:17:33 Tom: Scene

0:17:34 Thomas: So for those who can't see, there's blood everywhere there's

0:17:34 Clip: I'll get it, I'll Get it AAAAAAAAAA I

0:17:36 Thomas: Uh, there's a dead kid. Well,

0:17:39 Clip: Thought somebody got hurt! I'm stuck in here! Real life!

0:17:46 Eli: All Right, that's enough. I just wanted you to hear that

0:17:47 Tom: It Can't fly anymore. Jesus.

0:17:48 Thomas: That was the end of it. Oh, here, let me just pause.

0:17:50 Eli: Was the end of it, yeah. I just this

0:17:51 Tom: Christ. Yes.

0:17:52 Thomas: This fucking whatever the fuck this is, stupid YouTube fucking, well,

0:17:54 Eli: That echoey chorus of script, that ending of a Greek tragedy.

0:17:58 Thomas: No, so YouTube has tried to do TikTok but like I'm on a browser and it's still a Tiktak, it's fuck everything, everything.

0:17:58 Eli: Okay. Grandma all right. Oh, I'm sorry everybody, Thomas had to complain about how welcome to email male.

0:18:04 Tom: It's still the worst yeah.

0:18:05 Thomas: God, it's the worst. There's no video navigation. There is literally no video navi - I can't go and like pan into where it is. It's just, nope, you either play the video or stop. Those are the two controls. That's it. That is all you get. It is all you get! Fuck this! That's worse than the whole fact that a kid just died or whatever we saw, yeah. That's horrible.

0:18:24 Eli: Worth I mean,

0:18:28 Tom: Look, horrible like, but like, I might be like a secret, but you, things are completely made up and not real, you do get, get to decide which parts you like and don't like, like you can just embrace it works out here as well though, like like you can just not do the parts that you don't like because a lot of it is like shit, like you just buy the elf, throw away the book, make up your own story and have fun with it. And there's nothing at all wrong with that. It's weird to me that like people get hyper literal about a, like, you point out, about a made-up recent tradition or any tradition.

0:18:36 Thomas: On yeah boy,

0:18:40 Eli: Those are our other podcasts, Tom and we've really you're crossing the brands you're

0:19:04 Tom: Honestly like, why be literal about it at all the

0:19:03 Thomas: Now we're having a meta religion discussion, but like what's the what's the Tom, what's a part you're trying to salvage, because like for it would be one thing if you were like 25, then this would, conversation would make sense, but this didn't exist when I was a kid, so I didn't even know about it, and then I hear people talking about, I'm like, what the fuck is that, who cares, so there's not an impulse

0:19:10 Tom: Part that's fun of course, same yeah,

0:19:21 Eli: Kidding, when Tom was a kid they didn't even have Santa yet, they hadn't had the second Council of Nicaea where he had ensconced himself in Christian mythology that

0:19:22 Tom: We we didn't have Santa, yeah. Well, on a shelf. What we do is we just, like, the there's kids get to name the elf because

0:19:32 Thomas: How did you even find out about it is what I'm saying.

0:19:37 Eli: Is a great question.

0:19:37 Tom: I had a little kid at the same time that Elf on the Shelf came out, like Fin was little when Elf on the Shelf came out, so I mean my, my son's 17 years old, so it's been a a fucking minute, but yeah, like you could just like, you have your kid named the elf and then like every day you hide the elf in a new place, which basically it into a little bit of like a Christmas themed Easter egg hunt, and then you set up like a cute little motif if you feel like it, and if you don't, you just don't. So occasionally we will, occasionally we won't, we just don't do the weird draconian rules because that's not real anyway, so you can just decide not to do it. And

0:19:38 Eli: Oh, right. Okay. I

0:19:41 Thomas: Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's

0:19:59 Eli: Love it, I fucking love this. Tom,

0:20:01 Thomas: That's true. Oh, man,

0:20:14 Tom: It gives like a little bit of everyday magic to the season, right? Because like Christmas isn't a day, it's a season.

0:20:18 Eli: I love this absolutely yes, and here's my proposition, okay, so it's called Kill the Fascist Facilitator, right, and so it starts out, you buy a bunch of elves on the shelves, they get a single hunting knife and they've defined to kill the elf on the shelf, but on Christmas Eve, no matter where they look, they can't find the elf on the shelf, and then they turn around and you're wearing an elf hat and you say, "This is your final test, because the people who allowed evil to live were me and mommy, so you have to decide to either forgive us for destroying the planet and burning the rainforest, or you got to be willing to kill us." And then you

0:20:23 Tom: All right. Okay.

0:20:30 Thomas: Oh, yeah. Oh,

0:20:59 Tom: Why do I feel like you're You're voicing what is normally my position here.

0:21:01 Eli: Because it's Christmas, Tom. Oh,

0:21:04 Thomas: God. Yeah, that's why I fucking was on time and also got a little... We're all switched bodies. We were visited by three ghosts. No, we are the three ghosts... I don't know. Three spirits.

0:21:08 Tom: What is happening right now?

0:21:14 Eli: You want to talk about a body switch that would go badly for you two and absolutely be awesome for me. Oh man, I think Tom would just lie on the ground and be like, "Hospital, you have to take it to the hospital. I refuse to acknowledge this is my body, just take it. I've taken nine shits since I've been in here. Someone has to help me." Yeah,

0:21:33 Thomas: Yeah.

0:21:33 Tom: Like, feel like being hyper literal about the Elf on the Shelf stuff feels very similar to like non-religious people who won't listen to like religiously themed Christmas music. I mean, Christmas is a fucking religiously deemed holiday, like that's the reason America cares about it. You might be like, "Oh, it has pagan roots," but nobody gives a shit, that's not socially why we do this thing. So we're all picking and choosing, we're all making decisions about like having Christmas. Eli, you grew up Jewish and you're a big Christmas adherent, so let's do it, you know, like have fun with it.

0:21:49 Eli: Oh, oh.

0:22:01 Eli: My God, I love Christmas because Christmas, I, this is the argument I've had, yeah. It takes It away from from Christians, right? It is a major part of their life that we have taken their holiday and everything we do. That's their thing. I'll get a fucking nativity scene and just put a velociraptor in it. Just cause I know some fucking crazy lady is real mad about it. It fucking rule. Oh man. It's all I'm all about it.

0:22:07 Tom: Right. Oh,

0:22:24 Eli: I'm All About It. Get a big old fucking tree. Oh,

0:22:19 Thomas: Yeah. Did I ever tell you... Oh, my God. I feel like we could go for five hours on this because, Tom, I very much like appreciate everything you're saying. But the nativity scene, the only thing is, Tom. It's not that I try to steer away from the religious Christmas music. All those songs suck or the ones that are any good.

0:22:40 Tom: I I don't think so, I love some of them,

0:22:41 Thomas: All the ones are any better, like kind of vague anyway. They're not like the manger and the baby like Silent Night. Silent Night's good.

0:22:46 Eli: No, the Christian ones are the best.

0:22:48 Tom: Ton of Christmas, I hated Christmas music my whole life, like I hated it and Up until, like recently, really up until Hayley, like Hayley and family, they're big Christmas fans, they love Christmas. My axe was a giant Grinch and it was easy to fall into that, like misanthropic Grinch shit and, that's not fun, like it steals the magic of the season, and like now there's this, like the last seven years of my life there's been, like all this of, like songs and like it's a whole festivity and I've just like my eyes have been completely open to just the joy of that and just like unironically schmaltzy.

0:22:51 Thomas: OK, I still hate Christmas music yet.

0:23:23 Thomas: Wait, why didn't you get sleep last night, Tom? Were you visited by three ghosts, actually? He He said he got, he comes in, he's like, I got an hour and 40 minutes of sleep, everyone, but I can't help it. I feel the spirit of Christmas again.

0:23:27 Eli: How's

0:23:29 Tom: Do you know what I did yesterday I you say when Marley showed up with the chains I really felt something, but like, you know what I actually did yesterday, we went to National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation in the theater. They were playing that movie in the theater. Which

0:23:46 Thomas: We put that, Lydia put that on yesterday. And I was like, I remember this was my favorite movie as a kid, but I bet you it'll be the least funny thing. Imagine, not, not well.

0:23:53 Eli: It hold up How's it hold

0:23:48 Tom: Was fucking amazing it's so good all of my kids, all of our kids laughed until they cried, we oh it's

0:23:55 Eli: Really oh

0:23:57 Thomas: It's It's not as bad as I thought it would be, to be honest. Wait, did they really?

0:24:01 Tom: Great, they laughed until they cried I we took our nanny who'd never seen it and she was like, I've never. I'm like, how, you fucking 23 years old living under a rock, like kids have seen it.

0:24:02 Thomas: Oh, Oh, wow. Tom, don't be that guy. Don't be the boomer dad. This is every boomer in my life forever, except my dad, because he's not like this, would be like, you mean you haven't seen The Jerk? It's the best movie. And then you watch the movie and you're like, this is a pile of shit, man. This is the worst. This is not funny at all.

0:24:24 Eli: It's a bummer yeah

0:24:25 Tom: Yeah no the reason I'm shocked Thomas, is that every year I put this movie on and it plays in the background at least three or four times in the background while, like, it's the Christmas season, so kids all claim that they've never seen this movie, all of them, and I'm like, it's been, and the nanny too, it's like it's fucking on in the living room, like, all December like it's like, what is happening. Oh,

0:24:42 Thomas: You're on while I have my face tattoo that you haven't noticed

0:24:48 Eli: Exactly it's a National Look at the Other Arm, it's National Laboos Christmas Story

0:24:53 Thomas: Yeah it's the tree with the lights, uh, yeah, that actually wouldn't be a bad tattoo

0:24:53 Tom: I

0:24:56 Eli: My favorite movie, to make people explain, and there's still a few people are wise enough, and it makes me sad, but if you can occasionally get an old person to explain why they like the Christmas Story movie, the You'll Shoot Your Eye Out movie, which is just like a My Generation Has Mental Illness and I'm Not Gonna Be Okay movie.

0:25:09 Thomas: Okay what that one, I thought was delightful oh I

0:25:15 Eli: It's just, I feel like you should rewatch it.

0:25:15 Tom: Love that movie what I

0:25:16 Thomas: Thought it was okay, I don't want to I don' want to turn into a whole, a real Tom I okay, I haven't seen that since I was a kid, but I thought there was some, like, some, some funny there. I thought he was like, oh, this is kind of funny.

0:25:19 Tom: Watch it every year

0:25:26 Eli: Nope. The dad fucks a leg, everyone's mean to a child, and then he injures his eye in a way that, if anything, I would think would be very triggering to you, Sean.

0:25:26 Thomas: Right no no the dad wow yeah oh

0:25:31 Tom: I was gonna say, as somebody who's been, been shot with a BB gun in his eye, like I feel like, a a, I'm older than you guys by a lot, but like that movie feels It feels a lot like my growing up. Like, I remember...

0:25:38 Thomas: Yeah shit isn't

0:25:42 Eli: Yeah so sad Tom, that's so fucking sad, I mean

0:25:45 Thomas: Isn't it set in the 50's am I crazy, answer the question is it set it's set in the 50s, right? I think it came out in the 80s and was set in the 50s or something, right? No, 70s.

0:25:47 Eli: Yeah Tom grew up in the 50s despite the year yep

0:25:52 Tom: Don't remember when it's set. Yeah, 50s or 60s. Very probably.

0:25:59 Thomas: Okay, Christmas story

0:26:00 Tom: You're probably right. I grew up in the 80s. And, Remember the, like. Walking to school. Unsupervised. And getting bullied. And, Like, the, Like.

0:26:02 Thomas: 1983 it's a set in the 40s actually, holy shit, so that's when Tom, Tom's like, this is my exact childhood that fit, honestly, that fits, yeah, no, I believe it 100 your

0:26:09 Eli: Yep exactly yeah a hundred percent, it's all coming together, sure

0:26:18 Tom: It feels very similar. To the way I was parented in the 1980s.

0:26:21 Eli: Does old

0:26:22 Thomas: Is the 40th, like, if I think of who, I don't know your dad, but everything from everything you've said, I think the 1940s as a person, and that's your dad

0:26:28 Tom: Well, he was born in 47, so yeah. Hitler, he's not Hitler. But yeah, that movie. Do you guys have Christmas movies that go on rotation that you just have playing?

0:26:30 Eli: -timey hard-working Hitler, it's

0:26:33 Thomas: Oh Muppets Christmas Carol, because it's not only the best Christmas movie, it's the best movie ever made, I love it so I'm I'm not doing a bit, I love, I, it's so good.

0:26:42 Tom: That's a terrific movie. It's phenomenal. Yeah.

0:26:49 Thomas: I hate, I, the way about Muppets Christmas Carol, like I do about Princess Bride, which is I loved those movies as a kid and then I hated that everyone else liked him, I was like no, you don't, this is my religion yeah like you don't understand oh you think you know, Muppet's Christmas Carol, Carol, as you wish. Yeah. You're just quoting. Oh. Just quoting as you.

0:26:45 Eli: Really fantastic yeah you don't get it, man, I saw Princess Bride when they were in a garage somewhere. The most known line. All right. Now, Thomas, I'm going to ask you a controversial question about Muppets Christmas Carol. And hey, listener, if you want to turn off the podcast here, I completely understand.

0:27:18 Thomas: Oh, this is, yeah, this is, I already know what you're going to ask. Yeah, let's

0:27:21 Eli: This is not the milquetoast Rumpelstiltskin with narcolepsy inference that Tom switched bodies with his wife and put something up his butt that you're used to. This is the hardcore stuff, okay?

0:27:25 Thomas: Get into it.

0:27:31 Tom: Jesus Christ.

0:27:31 Eli: Which is, Thomas. How do you feel about the Love Is Gone, thank

0:27:33 Thomas: Yep. Yep about the song boy. I okay. Those who aren't as religious as I as you and I are they there

0:27:38 Tom: What the hell is that?

0:27:40 Eli: You Yep, Tom, I think thank you for the explanation. Obviously

0:27:42 Thomas: Was A song. Love is gone. Very sad in the middle of the movie. Super sad song that I, I had this shit on VHS and it was on that, so I grew up watching that over and over and then at some point, some think I read that it was some, like, fucking studio exec was like, "That's this too sad, fuck this," and they took it out. And and it wasn't just out, like for some versions, it was every streaming version and, and I think even like DVD re -releases And so every time we watched, I was like, "Oh, they just cut past that song," and I thought, like, yeah, no, that sucks. They should put, put that back in. And they finally did. Was that last year or the year before? I can't remember.

0:27:52 Eli: Yes last

0:28:17 Thomas: Yeah. Last year they're like, Hey, we've done it. You can watch that version. And I put that version on and I it and I was like, you know, that is kind of a bummer. I'm not going to I've gotten used to it not being in there. Yeah. It takes, it goes on forever. Like it's too long, man. But I thought like they call back to the song, even in the cut version. So it's like, Like, well, how can you call back to a song that didn't happen? You know, at the end of the movie, they call back the song. So for that reason, I feel like the ideal thing would be put a shorter version in there somehow, you know, like a quicker whatever. But I don't know, man. I almost. Oh, is this crazy? Are we going to get are we going TO get lots

0:28:17 Eli: Year they put it in it's a bummer it's super slow Yeah it's Really long, it's really boring. Yeah.

0:28:55 Eli: This Is, oh,

0:28:56 Thomas: Of death threats?

0:28:56 Eli: We're gonna get taken, we're canceled. It's over, say whatever you want now, Thomas, our remaining listener.

0:28:57 Thomas: Because I call It like I See It. I thought I wanted the song back in there. And now I don'T know. I now I'm not sure it's

0:29:01 Eli: Yeah, Yeah,

0:29:07 Tom: Okay, just read the lyrics while you guys, because I had no idea what you were talking about. This is the saddest fucking song I've ever read the lyrics to.

0:29:13 Thomas: It's a bummer.

0:29:13 Eli: It is also 10 times longer than what you're reading. You would cry at that song. Yeah.

0:29:14 Tom: This I feel like if I could cry, if I could cry I would be doing that right now. It's like,

0:29:17 Thomas: Yeah. Oh, I for sure would cry during that song. Yeah.

0:29:24 Eli: It's also one of the reasons why it's bad, because we're already canceled, let me fucking say it, because I, I was fast forwarding through that shit as a kid. I found the fast forward button for that song because the worst thing about that song Yeah, no, you had to go over to your VCR, they, we didn't have remote controls.

0:29:31 Thomas: Ooh, wow. Okay. Okay, that wasn't easy to do back then. And then it went like, you know, and then you probably broke the tape and it smoked.

0:29:40 Eli: Yeah and and it just sped them up a little. Yes, exactly, you halved the life of that VHS every time you pressed fast forward, because they just put a car engine in and turned it on when it was fucking time. But here's the thing, I fast forwarded through that song because not only is that song boring and sad and a bummer, it's by two characters you met four seconds ago, right?

0:29:43 Thomas: Yeah, it's true.

0:30:04 Eli: It's young Scrooge and young Scruge's fucking girlfriend, like had no invent, I've been watching Michael Caine give the fucking performance of a lifetime with several puppets without once being like, "I'm talking to a puppet," and now I've got to watch these two teenagers be like, "I'm not sure I want to do hand stuff at New Year's this year." Hit me with that devil forward arrow. Disney made the right choice. You know what they should put it in, the movie, but they should, those warnings that they do for racism, like,

0:30:03 Thomas: Right. Yeah, yeah. It's the younger version. Yeah it's the best. Absolute best.

0:30:31 Thomas: Man. Yeah.

0:30:34 Eli: This was a different time when most of us just kind of had to watch whatever one Christmas movie your dad had taped off TV.

0:30:35 Thomas: This was a real bummer. Yeah

0:30:42 Eli: So feel free to skip ahead and not watch this.

0:30:42 Tom: I had no

0:30:42 Thomas: Man, I can't believe that we are united on this, but I think you may be right. So I funny. I went, how long was it? It was a period of 10, 15 years of like, man, they took out that song. Can't believe it for me anyway. It sounds like you always hated it, believe like Like, I just wanted it to be how it was, you know? And then I finally, last year, watch it.

0:30:56 Eli: Yeah, no,

0:31:02 Tom: Idea they even took it out.

0:31:03 Thomas: Yeah, well, maybe that's the testament to that you didn't fucking need it. I thought the callback at the end would be confusing, but that's The Kind of Thing only I apparently care about ever. Nobody cares about anything, so. They song at the End, like a brief refrain that didn't happen, but I guess if you didn'T know the song, you'd just think, oh, that's a weird verse that they threw in there. Yeah, okay.

0:31:06 Eli: Didn't need it. Yeah, those people are just singing a fucking thing. All right, good for them.

0:31:21 Thomas: Well, maybe That's, All yeah. Right. I think we've decided.

0:31:24 Eli: You remember, now that we're talking about Christmas Carol, and Tom, I know you got some more stuff to say, so I'm not going to spend, I'm going to dwell. Well, do you remember when they showed us as real children, like absolute children, that Tiny Tim had died and his family was filled with grief? Yeah.

0:31:28 Tom: No, no, it's fine.

0:31:38 Thomas: Oh, my God. Yeah. No, I just sob every time. Like this is a, those were exactly the kinds of things that I, as a kid had a hard time with it. And I felt like no one else did. Like, I just be like crying my eyes out. Like I don't, are you handling this?

0:31:51 Eli: Right. And then he'd be like, "Ah, it's fine, Tiny Tim didn't die," and I'd be, right, but like people die, right? This is not a thing, and they'd be like, all right, kid, you're gonna take this pill twice a day for the rest of your life. Ah, you watch the Muppet Christmas Carol, that's how they get you. Yeah, no, I think maybe that shouldn't be, again, my thing is always like, what is the thing of the last generation, right? So the last generation, their movies were like unexpectedly racist, right? And that's what they apologize to our parents for is that expectedly racist right I believe what our parents are apologizing to us for is just the incredibly traumatic and or scary things that were included in stories for no reason,

0:32:02 Thomas: Yeah, exactly. Thank you. Oh boy.

0:32:26 Tom: Or alternatively expectedly racist yeah just just you know, as a counterpoint

0:32:28 Thomas: Expectedly racist. Yeah.

0:32:41 Thomas: Yeah.

0:32:41 Eli: Right? That there was just like fucking, think I I mentioned it on the air that like Little Engine That Could has a part where the mountain is like, I'm gonna eat your soul. And I was like, fuck Jesus. I'm just, what the fuck? None of this, it's just about overcoming adversity. Why is there a scary mountain? And And I think that ours is gonna be apologizing to our kids It's because everyone at Pixar is filled with existential dread and mental illness. And I think Phoebe and Arlo and Max are going to be like, hey, was there a movie called Soul that was sort of about how life doesn't have any meaning? And you showed it to me when I was like three or four. And I'm going to Be like, yes. So here's the thing. Daddy also was feeling a lot of the things that that movie was describing. And so, you know, there were round headed characters. I figured you wouldn't really notice.

0:33:04 Thomas: There yeah I know

0:33:30 Eli: Tom, please continue. Sorry. Sorry, I've gone down the path of movies Christmas past.

0:33:30 Tom: I was just oh my

0:33:34 Thomas: We could go forever too, there's a lot of fucked up shit in the 80s for us, you know, like Never-Ending Story, I mean God, there was so many. No, that, those were the better things of the 80s. I'm talking about the things that they gave the kids. You kill the whore there is shit that's so disturbing, I don't even show, there are movies that are current scary movies that I'm, I okay with the kids watching, but movies from the 80s that are scary, I'm like, no, we're fucking not doing it. I'm sorry, it's too scary. Like something about that weird 80s

0:33:41 Eli: Cocaine. They kill the horse in Neverending Story for no reason.

0:33:42 Tom: God, yeah, movies that aren't even supposed to be scary from the 80s

0:34:03 Thomas: Aesthetic yeah it's something, oh, it's just weird, it's bizarre, yeah

0:34:04 Tom: Yeah I remember as like a little kid, and I was pretty fucking little, but, but like, I remember watching E.T. in the theaters and like bawling my fucking little kid eyes out, like that's like a beloved kid, like it's a beloved Spielberg classic. And you're like, oh, it's gonna be great. The take kids see E.T. And there's like the moment the fucking E.T. is laying there and he's fucking dying slowly.

0:34:16 Thomas: That's a tough one, you

0:34:27 Eli: And he's dying.

0:34:29 Tom: you'RE like, fuck.

0:34:30 Thomas: It's a alien snuff film, you've seen, see an alien snuff film.

0:34:32 Tom: Yeah. What? What the fuck?

0:34:34 Thomas: He's just dead.

0:34:34 Eli: You didn't like when the faceless government agents came in and at gunpoint murdered the alien friend you'd learned to love at the beginning of the film?

0:34:35 Tom: Like you, or like the fuck is that movie where like, like there's like that little boy and that little girl, I think it's Macaulay Caulkin, like she gets fucking stung by a bee or he does and fucking dies

0:34:48 Thomas: Oh my God. Fucking what?

0:34:50 Eli: Oh, yeah. Stand Stand by my side. Stand by your side. Oh, Stand by your side. Oh,

0:34:52 Tom: No not Stand by Me, no, that's where they go to find a dead body by The yeah it's not Stand behind me my

0:34:54 Thomas: I, okay. No, it is. It is actually stand by me. No. Oh no, no, yeah. It's not, you're right. Sorry. It doesn't stand by me. It is

0:34:57 Eli: It on, give or give give or take, pass along, do nice things, movie where kid dies from beasting my girl my girl what's the one from

0:35:14 Tom: Girl that's right, yep, yep, Thomas

0:35:02 Thomas: Of those exact things. No it's not stand by, no. Damn it. Now that you said that, infecting my brain. Nah, it's fucking but we don't earn our rest if you look it up. My My girl No, no, no, we're now doing a whole podcast about My Girl. That was exactly the kind of thing No, that movie. And I'm like, I'm sorry

0:35:22 Tom: Is seizing here oh

0:35:25 Eli: It forward is what we were thinking of, and he gets stabbed

0:35:27 Tom: Yeah well

0:35:28 Thomas: I don't know that one, but of My Girl. Yeah, My Girl is Yeah, he just dies No, it's like pointless, like he goes like the beehive, he runs, like, I look, I saw this once, and then I went into the hospital for my whole life after, but I think I remember in, in the vision of the padded room I had to be in, I think I remember that it's like there's a, he's obviously allergic to bees, there's beehives, they, he gets away or something, and it's fine, and then he like goes back to get something, and there's, he doesn't think there's any bees in there, and he like, that kind, he of kicks it once, and I just burned into my memory, and then he gets stuck, and he dies. The

0:35:28 Eli: Yeah

0:35:29 Tom: I was thinking of, of, of girl, I was thinking My Girl we're like, yeah, he gets stung, she by a bee, right, yeah, uh-huh.

0:35:42 Eli: Me

0:36:05 Tom: Yeah

0:36:05 Thomas: Kid dies. He's just dead.

0:36:05 Tom: It dies, yeah

0:36:05 Eli: Kid does fucking die by the way, uh, the book nerds out there, um, yours was Bridge to Terabithia, or, um, Where the Red Fern Grows, so just I want you to feel seen

0:36:14 Tom: It my god, yes, yes,

0:36:14 Thomas: Oh God. Where the red fern grows.

0:36:16 Eli: Uh,

0:36:17 Tom: Both of those

0:36:17 Thomas: Yeah.

0:36:17 Eli: Were movie kids but you, if, if you're yelling Where the Red Fern Grows at your podcast player right now, we see you, we understand you and we're sorry, a cougar killed those dogs

0:36:24 Thomas: I'm I'm

0:36:18 Tom: Oh, I I I feel like crying right now just hearing the title of that fucking book. Yeah, I don't know why all this like kids material when we were kids were like, maybe if they wrestled with their own mortality, like he's 11, he can handle that, hey, what about existential dread, you're in fourth grade, why don't you just feel the vast gulf of the abyss stretching out before you and know that you and everyone you've ever loved will soon fall into it, oh, also snacks, we'll have snacks what the fuck

0:36:51 Eli: If someone told the story of Where the Radfern Grows to my child now, I would fist fight that person, right, and when the cops came, they'd get it, right, that would be like, they'd be like, no, yeah, absolutely, we're gonna take you down to the station, but you'll be home tonight for dinner, don't worry about it, man, that guy told you, but the fact that they assigned like six months of homework about it, they're like, I don't know, welcome to America, you learned to read a little better, didn't you? No, you already knew exactly how much you were going to read and would stay at that reading level for the rest of your life. Yeah, well, what are you gonna do, phonics hasn't caught on until 2007, two

0:37:28 Thomas: Realizing, I actually don't remember what happens in that one, but just from context clues, does a dog die or something? What's what's happened to dog. So So here's what I propose. Here's what we should do. We keep the the traumatizing sadness. Okay. Hold on. But hear me out. We'll keep the trauma, but let's make it. So the villains or the reasons or the causes are things that are actually real. So that our kids are radicalized against things. So like, like dog dying, that should be police shooting the dog. Cause every year police kill like 10,000 dogs a year. Like it's a joke. Like they just kill dogs. Cause they're just like, oh, I want to go arrest this person who do a no-knock warrant on somebody's

0:37:33 Eli: Dogs okay climate

0:37:34 Tom: It's a dog yeah yeah yeah uh, huh

0:37:50 Eli: Change right yes this

0:37:53 Tom: Holy shit

0:38:02 Eli: Is how you radicalize a generation

0:38:04 Thomas: Neighbor that's what I'm saying, let's every single Old Yeller, whatever, dog thing should be like, oh, and we got our dog back, and then a cop goes, hey, I heard there are drugs here, bam, shoots the dog, and then they're gonna be like, does that happen?

0:38:04 Eli: I love this yeah

0:38:05 Tom: Christmas everybody just

0:38:18 Thomas: Yes, that happens, that's real.

0:38:18 Eli: Yeller has rabies but um, he's hasn't used up his deductible for this year, so he's just gonna go ahead and skip it, and the hospital says that they're out, out of network, but because of surprise billing, they actually can't treat Old Yeller at this hospital, so he has to drive an hour away yeah

0:38:20 Thomas: Yeah there you go what's that Macaulay Culkin, you got stung by a bee. Oh, what, I go to the drawer where I have the life -saving EpiPen, but it's out. You know why, we had to hawk it for fifteen hundred dollars, because they're that's their street value now. So we don't have the Epi Pen available, and and I can't afford my wages at the Amazon warehouse, they're so fucking low that I can even

0:38:52 Tom: So Fucking hell, this is the darkest

0:38:53 Eli: Uh I know Hayley Joel Osmond taught Kevin Spacey about how to do nice things for other people, but then a Green Party voter ran him over on their way to not contribute significantly to a two-party system. So yeah, here's

0:39:04 Tom: Fucking shit

0:39:03 Thomas: To help elect Trump. Yeah How do we Merry Christmas everyone?

0:39:11 Tom: Merry Christmas

0:39:13 Eli: Your BB gun, go, go hunt the elf that daddy hid somewhere.

0:39:16 Thomas: I have in my hand a list of names. No, I have letters to Santa that I wanted to share for a Christmas episode. And I don't even know what's happening now, but I have to share them.

0:39:25 Eli: We got it. We got time. We got

0:39:26 Tom: Yeah, let's do it.

0:39:26 Eli: To hit us with those.

0:39:28 Tom: Come on, we're not being Grinches. We are moving away from the Grinaches,

0:39:28 Thomas: They're so 100% right about Christmas except the Elf on the Shelf, I think. I don'T

0:39:35 Tom: I'm right about the Elf on the shelf.

0:39:36 Thomas: See Elf in the Shelp.

0:39:36 Eli: Well, I mean, he's right. The fucking curry version is delightful. When we talked about this in our chat, thought I Tom was about to defend Elf on the Shelf, and I was so ready for a nine -episode series where Tom was like, they need to learn they're being watched. Read

0:39:39 Thomas: Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

0:39:51 Tom: No. You kind of fucked up he knows when you're sleeping he knows and you're awake like, oh,

0:39:54 Eli: Stolen Focus, kids.

0:39:51 Thomas: Yeah, no. Okay, okay, Did I tell you, okay, I put this in the kid thread of all the kid stuff that they've ever said, but Phoebe had a great one as regards, Phoebe is she, this has been so fun because she's going through it with the Santa. She's figuring, she's on the cusp of figuring out Santa, and she'll keep saying things are so close and, like, we're like, but we, you know, we're not giving away the game. I always just ask her, like, whenever she's like, is something real? I'd be like, oh, what do you think?

Like, I pretty much just do that every time, you know? And then they forget that they asked me a question and they start talking about something. So, like, she is so close. I'm are doing, so Tom, I, but I started to say, I totally agree with you. I used to also be a grant, or at least just apathetic about it. And now with the kids, it's the, it's the absolute, you're 100% right. Life is so much better if you do these things with the kids.

I could talk for another hour just about the Christmas stuff we've done, but I did bring these letters. So I want to make sure I get to those. And Phoebe is so close. So Lydia set up a writing letters to Santa mailbox thing. And it's really cute. It's a super cute. It's like mini little stationery, you know, it's the best. Mini little, like, there are little envelopes that say, like, official letter to Santa, you know, all that kind of stuff. It's the absolute fucking best.

0:39:57 Tom: I out

0:41:05 Thomas: Go

0:41:05 Tom: Of curiosity, why is it miniature? Because, like, Santa is full size, I'm just throwing that out there, like, I don't know if you know but but Santa's full -sized.

0:41:10 Thomas: Yeah, but the kids are small, Tom.

0:41:10 Eli: Yeah. This is the crack in the armor that's going to ruin the whole thing.

0:41:13 Thomas: Yeah, you're right. Maybe it's because the elves open, the elves might handle the letters.

0:41:14 Tom: One day she's going to be like, the fuck is happening with

0:41:17 Thomas: I don't know.

0:41:18 Eli: Yeah.

0:41:18 Tom: These tiny letters?

0:41:18 Eli: All right, I guess you'll only get tiny versions of your presence, assholes. Well,

0:41:24 Tom: No wonder he's got to wear those fucking readers all the time.

0:41:26 Thomas: A poster size thing, they're going to write they want so many Lego sets. That's, I'm going to have to take out five mortgages. Like it's not even, I think that's what it is. Actually. You want them to only write like, I want a ball and a horse on a stick and that's it. You know? Um, so Phoebe, you know, naturally the minute that happened, Phoebe wanted to write the letter and, Lydia was like, Oh, I bought, I wanna wait. And then I'll make you guys hot chocolate. And it'll be super cute. And Lydia wanted to do a whole thing kind of thing. And so Phoebe was having a hard time with this. She can't wait for anything. Don't blame her.

0:41:39 Eli: Wait, did Lydia make them wait? Why is Lydia, Lydia's like, no, first we have to make the hot chai, just fucking write your letter to God. Who gives a shit is it, Lydia.

0:42:01 Thomas: Well, I think it was the kind of thing where she didn't present it like, hey, everyone, here's this. Now you don't get to do it. It's more like the kids probably dug it up somewhere. You know, they always find everything. So, it probably was like Lydia bought it, you she was going to wait until the hot chocolate, whatever she wanted to do, and play Christmas music, which I like. That's a nice whatever.

0:42:21 Eli: Edits now, and I bet she's screaming right now, she's streaming, she's Like I said, for months, I bought the marshmallows with their names on them. Thomas, you son of a bitch! If Lydia's voice drops into the podcast right now to explain her side of things, I just want everyone at home to know it's with my consent.

0:42:24 Thomas: Nah, I don't think that would be. So, um, yeah, so I know I've said this before, Eli, but you know how you have one kid, imagine if you had three of those, just imagine how organized I know, like, imagine how organised you would be in your life. Like, well, the answer is always, I don't fucking, we, we started to do something and then 18 other things happened all at once, and and then Remy screamed so loud my ears don't work anymore, which is the one thing I need for my job, really, and then, like, a kid shit somewhere. And then, you know, like, that's the answer to everything. And anyway, Phoebe was bugging you, Lydia, like, no, I want to do it.

And then Lydia's was like, look, why don't you just do a practice letter to Santa? Do, do a practice letter now, and then we'll do the hot chocolate thing later, or whatever. And I said, you can write as many letters to Santa as you want. There's no limit on letters. And then Phoebe's like, you know, she's taking this information into the to the canon, you, you know, she's like, well, OK, also seemed like she just wanted the hot chocolate.

But, but, you know, he was like, all right, I guess I'll do, a I'll do a practice one. And then she said, well, what if I don't know how to spell something? And I said, oh, that's OK, you could just ask us to spell a word, we'll help you spell it. She does that all the time, anyway. But I think she was just finding reasons to, like, no, we need to do the hot -chocolate -now kind of thing.

And I was like, no, no, you can just practice on your own. Ask us if you want to spell the word. Or you can sound it out. And then I said, and if you, even if you make a mistake, I, I'm sure Santa will be able to tell what you're trying to write, kind of thing.

And then Phoebe was like, wait a minute, you know, she thought I was saying something magical about Santa, you know, and really I just meant, like, cause I can always tell what you're trying to right. But she's like, wait, really? And I was like, yeah, no, totally. And then she was thinking about it. She says, oh, so, like, Santa can tell because he sees us.

And then she's like, wait, a minute, we don't need to write letters because, because Santa can see us, so, like, we can just say it, so can just stay, like, blah blah blah, like that, and he'll see it, and, like, she's having this, like, she was a stoned high schooler having a real, and I was like

0:42:49 Eli: I can't even imagine the one I have.

0:44:34 Eli: Yeah.

0:44:34 Thomas: Yeah, yeah, that's a good point, that was a good point, and she was like, okay, I still want to write a letter, she's

0:44:40 Tom: I'm still writing the letter, yeah.

0:44:41 Eli: Just in case. Yeah.

0:44:43 Thomas: So close, but the way she did like, like this, blah, blah blah, so fucking good but exactly, like wait, I've seen this in the texts it is said that Santa can see us she keeps saying that all the time

0:44:48 Tom: Well, I mean, it's built into the song, right? I mean, he sees you when you're sleeping, he knows when you're awake, like it, right there, it's right. There, I

0:45:01 Eli: Arlo, waterboard the elf again. We need more information.

0:45:05 Tom: Well, so Thomas, if I want to give you some, some preemptive advice, if, if Phoebe is on the cusp of figuring out the Santa thing, if, right, she figures it out, that's a great opportunity for you to involve her in Santa. This is what Haley did when when Donovan figured it out was to be like, all right, but we're not going to ruin the fun for the other kids. And then, you found in every case. So it is the same when, like, Eamon still believes in Santa, Aislinn did not. And but what she did is she, was she got to be the big kid who was in on it, so, like, she actually worked extra hard

0:45:05 Thomas: Yeah, for sure, for sur yeah

0:45:36 Tom: And so did Donovan, like, worked extra hard to, like, make Santa even more real for the younger kids, so it's actually like this really fun moment where, like, yeah, they find out this thing about Santa, but then they get to be one of like the grown-ups, you know, they get to get, like, a little chest puffery out of it, be like, oh, I get to like with this other thing, it's super fun, like that is another super fun piece that you can like incorporate into the Santa stuff. I know there's a bunch of grinches who are like, oh, I can't lie to your kids about Santa or whatever, like, yeah, you can, it's fun.

0:45:52 Thomas: Yeah,

0:46:05 Tom: They don't care.

0:46:04 Eli: You're lying to your kids all the time. Let me speak to that.

0:46:06 Tom: They I hate that shit.

0:46:07 Eli: Let

0:46:08 Tom: They don t, Care

0:46:08 Thomas: That's a good yeah, Eli, go ahead.

0:46:09 Eli: Let me talk to you. Let me, let me let you speak truth to that power. You're lining your kids all the time, and your kids need to learn to accept those lies, because if they don't, they will end their existences that's what they're going to do, so there needs to be stuff like everybody's special, and if you work really hard, good things will happen to you, and you deserve love, and you deserve to be treated well, and life has meaning, those are all obvious, demonstrable lies that you 100% need your kid to believe. Your kid does not need to deal with hard nihilism until he's doing to impress someone in a study hall in college. Relax, you do not need to rush your child to the abyss that we all spend our 20s, 30s and the rest of our existences inside. Okay, just let your kid have fun, I

0:46:11 Thomas: Oh,

0:46:18 Tom: I

0:46:26 Thomas: Shit, it, all,

0:46:42 Tom: Love.

0:46:52 Thomas: Don't do the meritocracy thing though, because that leads to Reagan

0:46:55 Eli: Do the meritocracy thing but you you know do the affected meritocracy things, like, well, oh, but the world would be a meritocracy thing, but it's all the fault of this guy, and then you know you empower your kids to kill the elf. Anyways, my point is, I have a fun story, my, and buddy Chris this year pulled off a simultaneous amazing, uh, with the Santa thing, and also an incredible prank on his wife. So my buddy Chris, his kid's a little bit older than Max, pretty significantly older, I think he's five or six now, um, he, he to him and said, hey, uh, think Santa's not real, and he was like, like, yeah, Santa's not real, but here's the thing, mom doesn't know, so we can't ruin it for her.

0:46:55 Thomas: And shit, so don't do the hard work yeah,

0:47:33 Eli: And so now for like two years, the kid has been like, mom, what do you want from Santa? And she, this woman who's a grownup has to be like, oh man, I'll fucking love Santa. I'll tell you that.

0:47:35 Tom: It, oh, that's fucking great, great, I love this so much, god damn. That's fucking great.

0:47:48 Thomas: Oh, so I I wanted to read you the uh the letters to Santa here.

0:47:51 Eli: Yes. Read us the, read us the letters. Yes. Let's do it.

0:47:52 Thomas: Um, we're having trouble locating Phoebe's original one, but she does have one from school that's just as fantastic, and the handwriting, handwriting is freakishly exactly like mine, which is disturbing me right now. Maybe it runs in the family, bad handwriting. Okay. Dear Santa, I've been a good girl this year. I helped my dad wash dishes. I'd like a necklace. Merry Christmas. This is the part I love. P.S. What is your favorite cookie? So I think, I like that she's like picking up like, okay, socially, I think I need to, you know, like, I feel like this relationship seems to be one side. Like Santa's always giving and giving, and she's like, has anyone ever, you know, asked Santa how he feels

0:48:21 Tom: Who's looking out for the big guy, who's working out for Santa.

0:48:31 Thomas: Yeah like I I appreciate That, I love it. She's also done. Phoebe did a weird thing where she was talking to Lydia and then she's one minute and then she turned around and almost did like a prayer, which we don't know where she picked that up, but maybe just like fucking movies or something, who knows, she almost did a prayer and she was like, "Dear Santa, can you please," she's just like turned around, like, like I need to do the rosary real quick.

She's like, "Can you please put a Christmas tree in my room and then put one present underneath it? Thank you. I love you. Bye." She'd been calling him SC a lot. That's always fun. Arlo, now I have Arlo's here, and maybe I'll just have to post a picture of it because it's written like it's by a robot, which is fitting.

He has gone through, uh, every Lego set that there is, so I let him on the iPad, I let them browse the Lego app, you know, cause because it has, like, all the sets, and so he's like, "Oh, sure, let me just relate," let me just export this database of every Lego set that I want, and so he's just written

0:49:33 Thomas: And never mind, I can't fucking, but he's written every, Dementor, Legos, he was in the Harry Potter section, I think, so he's written, like the Wizard Chess Legos, I'll have to post the picture, and then I turned it to the back, and there's just one, one more, because the whole thing's filled up with just that nonsense Lego writing, and the back it says Bellatrix Lego, so he squeezed, he squeezed the one more in there, but It's just been An absolute delight, and I fucking, oh, I love doing these things with the kids so much, stupid.

0:49:55 Eli: Yeah. Yeah. Phenomenal. All All right. Gentlemen, before we go, what's the best gift to get for Christmas? A broken drum because you just can't beat it.

0:50:19 Tom: Yeah.

0:50:20 Thomas: Man.

0:50:26 Clip: Want to meet sexy DILFs in your area? Email the dads at DearOldDads.com or, better yet, send us a message on Patreon. You can follow us on all social media by checking the links in the show notes. And if you need more podcasts in your life, you can find Tom on Cognitive Dissonance, Thomas on Serious Inquiries Only, and Eli on Godawful Movies and all the Puzzle in the Thunderstorm shows. Dear Old Dads is edited and produced by my favorite DILF, Tom Smith, who also wrote and recorded the intro music, which is used with his permission. This podcast is a production of Daddy Issues LLC. Copyright 2022. All rights reserved.

0:51:05 Eli: -timey hard -working hitler it's