DOD101: Manned Down

Transcript

This transcript was generated automatically and may contain errors — the audio is the record.

0:00:28 Tom: To Dear Old Dads, the podcast whose penis was stolen by witches. I'm Tom Curry and I'm joined as always by Thomas Smith and Eli Bosnick. Hello, gentlemen.

0:00:38 Eli: What an introduction!

0:00:39 Thomas: I hope

0:00:40 Tom: Welcome to our family show.

0:00:43 Thomas: People are doing the stuff they did with, like, the Beatles where they tried to look into every single thing and see, like, "oh, Paul is dead" or whatever, like, I hope they do that with Tom's intros, you know. Like,

0:00:51 Eli: Yeah, they piece them together so he can confess to being the Killer.

0:00:57 Thomas: I got the yarn going, shit, his dick was stolen by a witch? What does that mean? Maybe it means his dick was stole by a which, ever happened to you

0:01:04 Tom: Did have your penis stolen by - we covered these stories, I remember we covered these stories for like years on Cognitive Dissonance where, like, there'd just be like crazy bullshit happening, like, in different parts of the world because there's these, these various cultural myths where, like, essentially witches steal your penis. Like, that is like a, and it is a pervasive multicultural mythology that like witches just steal dicks. Like, guys just like run around with this, like, delusion that their dick is gone and they're, they're clearly dicked, like, they have dick and they're just like running around in panic, and people are like having real consequences for stealing the dicks of dudes who have dicks,

0:01:27 Thomas: Good.

0:01:27 Eli: Yep. Yeah. Yeah, no, men panicking over any kind of empowerment of women is a tale as old as time, and sometimes it was more obvious than others.

0:01:56 Thomas: Old, healthy, empowering dick stealing, I agree. Burning bras and stealing dicks.

0:01:59 Eli: Yep, Just powering, dick stealing. Yep.

0:01:57 Tom: And It's great, by the way, if you Google "witches steal penis," because I did that, of course, right before I wrote this intro, and there are amazing headlines like "Penis theft panic hits capital," which I just fucking love that that is, like, that's everything you you need to know about the state of the world.

0:02:14 Eli: But Here's the thing. If Matt Walsh got on the air tomorrow, or Jordan Peterson did a sobby AMA tomorrow where he was like, "They're stealing dicks and I, I just can't watch it anymore," you know, I just "Here I am, you know, trying to stand for truth, and they, they're stealing dics I'd be like, yeah, man, this is brand like, I get it, this is the same this is not different to me than they're coming for your sports medals, or whatever the fuck he sold last week - no.

0:02:30 Tom: Oh. Yeah.

0:02:48 Thomas: Do any of these men ever just think to just check? Like, I don't - that's that's really getting to me, Tom. I don't understand.

0:02:54 Eli: No.

0:02:54 Thomas: Just like, oh, oh there it is.

0:02:55 Eli: They don't.

0:02:55 Tom: I Also. I would think That'd be one of the first things that you did, is like, "Wait a minute, did a witch steal my - no, okay, I'm

0:02:56 Thomas: Yeah, yeah. Where's the, first thing you do is, where's the last place you saw it?

0:03:01 Tom: Good.

0:03:02 Eli: Yeah.

0:03:03 Thomas: Which, by the way, I - the lines of, you, you tell kids something that they're not - it's the first time you, they've heard it, and you've said it a million times in your life. Arlo was looking for something, probably his dick, probably a witch stole his dick or whatever. He was looking for something, and he was, you know, really upset, and I was, "Where's the last place you remember seeing it?" And he had no fucking idea what that meant, like, it was, you know, that guy that you ask every time when somebody lost something and he's like, "I don't know, I can't find," you know, like, he just, he was so insulted by the question, he's like, "You don't understand, I can't find it," he's like, yeah, when - okay, how does - how do I make this make sense to a four-year-old who's, who's in a state of panic right now?

0:03:33 Eli: Well, Be fair, that moment, adult, child, grandmother, everything - the, the real moment is, "Oh, are you living with the consequences of your actions?" Um, it, more quietly, do whatever's going on to you, you did something to you, do it as quietly as possible until you've resolved the problem that you did to you, I don't want to participate, so, "When was the last time you saw it?" Is like, "Hey, what if you hadn't done that to you?"

0:03:52 Thomas: Geez.

0:04:08 Tom: I remember.

0:04:08 Eli: What would you do now, what would - would you know where it was, have you thought about that with I lost a thing, right, that didn't happen at a carnival full of nightmares, is just, like, "I stopped paying attention, fix it," right? No, you fix it, you fix on

0:04:13 Thomas: I've never thought of it like that.

0:04:25 Tom: But have you ever had alternative, the, where somebody loses something and then they get kind of mad at you for not helping them find it or not finding it with - with them faster, where you're like, yeah, I can help you look. And then like, it's

0:04:34 Eli: The condition of maintaining my marriage. That That has never happened to me, Tom. I have only been treated with respect and admiration when anyone I know ever has lost any object in their life. Especially an object that I may have attached several electronic devices to that they can make make a beeping sound with their phone, which they may also have lost. So that also has a function where I can make it make a peeping sound. That's never happened to me is what I'm saying. On the record as

0:04:40 Tom: Like, oh, of course not. Of course not, I I also do want to point out from the uh thing um that just made me laugh is the witches allegedly steal these penises by the way and they keep them as pets as I just think like, what a disappointing fucking pet, just a disembodied dick would be. Like, it's like taking it for a drag on the side of the road, just rolling along long behind you on a harness. Just seems so, so fucking disappointing. Oh,

0:05:19 Eli: Familiars. Yeah, disagree. First of of all, they walk on their balls, Tom. Grow up, they their balls are like little feet, and they walk along too. That's basically of

0:05:41 Tom: Wait did

0:05:39 Thomas: Is do they get the balls too I I imagine the balls just hung out oh okay all

0:05:42 Tom: They take your balls too or just your dick. Oh, the whole package okay all right

0:05:44 Eli: Course yeah no, they get the whole thing. It walks along on its balls, which is adorable. Second of all, you're basically describing a ferret, so you just insulted all the ferret owners in our audience. Sure, when

0:05:51 Thomas: Right well, that changes everything yeah I

0:05:54 Tom: You have to put googly eyes on it though, right? Like, if you steal it as a pet, you have to put googy eyes on I

0:06:01 Thomas: Want to make very very clear. I didn't didn't know the balls came to that changes my position. I regret what I said. I hadn't agreeing with Tom.

0:06:06 Eli: You picture a dick. Do you just picture a just a dick? No, draw a dick right now you're drawing balls

0:06:11 Tom: Was just picturing a dick

0:06:10 Thomas: Yeah. If there's, I thought them stealing. Yeah, the dick part is, you know, the Dick part is just the dick Eli. Do you know that?

0:06:13 Tom: Yeah

0:06:16 Eli: This is insane. If if, if I say draw a dick, you're drawing balls too. No one draws just a dick.

0:06:22 Thomas: Well, yeah, it's just a different story. I mean, I thought this was, if somebody says like, oh, I'm going to use the yeah

0:06:24 Eli: Exactly yeah it's a visualization problem. Idiots this is why they're getting away with it, because you are at the police station, describing a half the suspect, what is this, it's just a, a tube.

0:06:33 Tom: They would

0:06:34 Thomas: Exactly yeah this could be anything, it's just like a, it's just a rod, it's a cylinder yeah

0:06:45 Eli: Well Well, no, I should have added balls. Yeah, obviously they would take the balls too.

0:06:45 Thomas: Yeah yeah god

0:06:50 Tom: Never get found though, because like, if you went to the cops and they were like, all right, we're gonna do a police sketch of your missing dick, everybody would exaggerate it. Like, every single person be like, yeah, it's definitely bigger than that way bigger than that, yeah, you're gonna need some more charcoal. You know what, I mean, a little more charcoal on that uh is that just 11 by 14 paper, I don't think that's gonna work. I think you're gonna need a bigger. No,

0:07:00 Thomas: Oh how much time do you have to to draw it. I thought

0:07:03 Eli: Oh, man. Very tasteful vein too. Don't forget the Snickers. Don't Yeah.

0:07:16 Thomas: The witches were honestly, am I, okay. Am I crazy? I thought it was like a sex toy thing. Ancient, Like that's like, is it a familiar, like they talk to it? They have it on a little leash.

0:07:24 Tom: They keep it as a pet is what I read, is this just like a little again

0:07:26 Thomas: Isn't that a way of just saying like, it's a dildo now?

0:07:29 Eli: I think the implication is that it's a dildo now. I don't, I think it's pet slash dildos.

0:07:31 Thomas: Okay. Thank you. I felt felt crazy. And how many

0:07:34 Eli: How

0:07:34 Thomas: Dildos you do have the balls like dangling on them? Do you have a lot of those? I guess.

0:07:38 Eli: Many dildOs have you seen in your life? This is crazy. I feel alone in the world. Google dildO right now, Thomas Bethesda Smith.

0:07:43 Thomas: As I said that, I realized, okay, like half of them do have that. You're right.

0:07:48 Eli: Yes, of course they do.

0:07:48 Thomas: But they're not like dangly flesh balls. That would be weird. Okay. What What If they put bells in them and then, okay?

0:07:53 Eli: I'm literally looking at dildos right now. Balls, balls, balls. Balls. Balls balls balls. There's one without balls.

0:08:01 Thomas: You know what, Eli? Eli, sometimes you make a compelling intellectual argument and, and you convince me I'm, I'm a man of principle, Eli, andyou have bettered me in this argument. Rapaport's rules state that when a foe has bested you at, yes, no. Okay. You're right. The, the balls are on them sometimes. Do

0:08:14 Eli: See? Okay. Store.marilynmanson.com is like the ninth result. And it's a Marilyn Manson dildo. And I for so many reasons think that's problematic. I really don't like it.

0:08:29 Thomas: Yeah.

0:08:30 Tom: Oh my God, that is fucking insane.

0:08:31 Thomas: That my God. That, that just reminded me. I watched that documentary and And asked if you guys watched it because there was a dad thing in it that was so insane that I wanted to talk about it. And then I blinked my eyes.

0:08:42 Eli: What is the dad thing in the Marilyn?

0:08:45 Thomas: It was how What's -Her -Name's dad dealt with the situation. Girl who...

0:08:44 Tom: Wait, yeah, Rose McGowan?

0:08:51 Thomas: No, this was the girl... I can't remember her name. Peek behind the curtain. The dudes have had me wake up at an ungodly hour. I'm not going to say what hour it is right now, but it's so early.

0:09:00 Eli: Yeah no I think you should say what hour it is there T -Dog.

0:09:02 Tom: That is a double

0:09:02 Thomas: No, no, I, I don't want to, I don't wanna dox us, I don't wana dox the hour of the clock that it is, you know, privacy, but the hour, and they're on East Coast time, so I'm mad, or, you know, Eli's on East Coast, so, no it's the girl who was on the um, robot show, she was one of the main victims, uh, The, the robo, the ch, no Westworld, she was, you know, that girl, that That was the, Eli, you watched West, you did a whole bit on my show, but, uh,

0:09:03 Tom: Digit hour.

0:09:04 Eli: No, I really want the audience to fully sympathize with your plight, so go ahead and let them know just the crack of, the crack of, what?

0:09:24 Eli: The Jetsons.

0:09:24 Tom: No, robot show? Oh, I don't remember.

0:09:31 Eli: I did watch Westworld. I don't learn names.

0:09:34 Thomas: Okay. Well, anyway, she'S she's, great, but her way her dad handled this abuse was, I literally wanted to talk to you guys about it, so anyway, let the record state that fuck that guy, he's the worst, Marilyn Manson, and also, if your, you is ever possibly in a bad situation like that, maybe listen and, like, do more than nothing thing is all, I guess the message is the take home until

0:09:54 Eli: I, I feel that way. I haven't seen the, that documentary, but I have seen Amy, my daughter, and I feel the exact same, which is like, if there's a person endangering my, my son's obviously a boy right now, but like I don't get the like uh, we could have done more right until a witch gets to him. Uh, the I like, we could've done more. Thing is, like, no, I'm in jail, right away, like, I'm in jail, I'm calling the police office, exactly. Hayley fucking Curry absolutely gets it. I wish her blessed little accent was on this phone right now, cause she'd be like, well, here's what you do, right. If you wanna skin a guy, you gotta hang him upside down first, because the blood's all gonna rush to his head, he's gonna stay alive a lot longer

0:10:09 Thomas: The witches get them. Yeah, no, it's insane. Yeah. Yeah, that's true. Eli's...

0:10:32 Tom: What? It doesn't sound like that at all.

0:10:38 Thomas: She Rizzo from Greece or whatever.

0:10:39 Tom: It doesn'T sound like that even remotely.

0:10:40 Eli: That is exactly what Haley sounds like, and the fact that you're erect testifies to that. Tom, look down. Yeah.

0:10:46 Thomas: No, it is true. Eli, you're one of the few people where everyone would be like, Like, ah, you could have done less. You could have Done Less.

0:10:55 Eli: Everyone, everyone would be like, hey, man, do way less do so much less

0:10:57 Thomas: Do Lay Less. You know how you killed 10 people at random just out the door? Like, just to start? Just to warm up? Don't do that. That seemed.

0:11:03 Eli: Yeah, did you back over your mailman on the way to go kill this guy and I want to point out that a lot of time there's like this toxic masculinity bent to the like, oh, remember, I got a shovel in the shotgun, but that's usually someone who's like, don't have consensual sex with my daughter or I'll murder you, which is bananas in pajamas, but like, I would like to advocate, first bad take of the day, fresh out the gate, that if you have non -consensual six with my child, I'll murder you, is a healthy, healthy boundary to draw with everybody in your life. I

0:11:07 Thomas: Just in case? Yeah.

0:11:17 Thomas: Yeah. Yeah. Mm -hmm. Yeah. Healthier.

0:11:38 Eli: Think it should be how we greet each other. I don't give a shit about the weather. I would love for the new parental greeting to just be like, hey, just so you know, I'll kill everyone you love. Uh, nice. Oh, wonderful. You're in accounting. Cool. Will you do my taxes? I'm just kidding. I was just joking around, but seriously, I would, I'd kill like your whole extended family. Like people I don'T know. I'll go to other states.

0:12:00 Thomas: Evan Rachel Wood, by the way. I just had to look it up.

0:12:01 Eli: Evan Rachel Wood, fantastic actress. Great job. You know, the only thing worse than someone's sexually assaulting your child, that's the auto ads And Hey, we're 12 minutes in, which means our audience has heard at least nine sets of those by now, so, um, sorry, we'd like to apologize for those auto ads. Yet, what you need to understand is that Remy Smith is some kind of Lovecraftian beast, and he needs food.

0:12:02 Thomas: Yeah. All Oh, my,

0:12:09 Tom: Are to our family show okay.

0:12:27 Thomas: God, he fucking is Jesus.

0:12:28 Eli: We pour grocery stores into him month after month, week after week, whole chickens, entire turkeys, a food pantry. We left him in once, he ate the entire building, and the only way to keep his voracious habit under control, to save the lives of you and your loved ones, is to give us as little as a dollar over at patreon.com/dearolddads where you'll get access to bonus episodes every single month, as well as an extended commercial-free version of every single show with a little parenting story at the end when, when Tom can be bothered, because his penis hasn't been stolen by a witch. Check it out over at patreon.com/dearolddads.

0:12:29 Thomas: Yeah.

0:12:44 Thomas: That, is an upsettingly accurate depiction of Remy, I'm realizing. A lot now, a lot's making sense, lots of people snapping together.

0:13:15 Eli: Yeah. And whenever you look into his eyes, you're filled with madness. Yeah.

0:13:17 Tom: Are you sure he's not nibbler.

0:13:21 Eli: Important thing is not to Google that guy's cat's name, that's all you need to know whenever you reference Lovecraft.

0:13:17 Thomas: Yeah, And All agree on that.

0:13:27 Eli: Don't reference that, don't Google that guy's cat's name.

0:13:31 Tom: I don't even have any idea how I stumbled across this, I genuinely don't, but I stumbled across this Reddit and I wanted to talk to you guys about it. So this is a Reddit, men of Reddit, what is the most unintentionally emasculating thing that women have done or said to you? So I want to go through and read some of these.

0:13:46 Thomas: Tom, you the screenshot. I can see that you searched did a witch steal my dick. I can see. That's how you got to this, but is

0:13:54 Eli: Definitely googled emasculating by accident, question mark, that's

0:13:57 Tom: I genuinely don't know how this popped up. It's an archived post on Reddit, I didn't even know it was 11 years ago, but funny because when I read the question, I got to thinking about that idea of emasculation, or emasulating, and I thought about, like, what a just genuinely absurd fucking concept the idea of just being emascilated is, and I got to thinking, like, I can't think of any scenario that that, that even makes sense in, that that's a a functional word in any way that isn't always toxically masculine.

0:14:01 Thomas: It

0:14:06 Eli: What I said.

0:14:33 Eli: I'm so glad you said that, Tom, because I, when you sent us this post, I was only thinking of the kink, and so I had to be like, oh no, people think it's a real thing too. It's not just a cause, adults, grown ups will be like, I don't like it when you dance the marimba, and people are like, I love how you make fun of how I dance the marima, right, that is emasculation, and that's between two consenting adults having a good time, not my bag, but no judgment for the people who love it, especially if you have someone who needs to work out some shit with their dad, it's perfect, like, nothing, nothing to blame anybody about, but I had to remind myself that there are just men out there, their sense of madness depends on the things women say and do to them. Well,

0:14:43 Tom: Yes.

0:15:18 Thomas: Also think that there's a fair dose of, in addition to the kink that Eli's describing, I, you know, I'm sure there's one that's going to be of men too. Like this guy drove and the truck nuts on his truck were dangled, dangled a little lower and they were bigger than mine. So I felt extremely emasculated.

0:15:31 Tom: But well, I'll called myself out, and listeners to this show will remember, remember my absolute hatred and fear of being tossed a football. Right. And part of that part of that is that I find it I if I'm being honest, like with myself and the audience, like I do find it emasculating to be the guy who can't perform in front of other people, these sort of like typically masculine tasks. Right, like if I'M if I' m actually like interrogating that internally properly, like part of the fear of not performing in that like masculine way is that I don't want to be seen as emasculated, like among the guys, right?

Like I don'T want to look like a less than masculine version of myself or, you know, because I'm, that is obviously part of where that comes from. I think a lot of the idea and what we're going to talk about today, though, from this Reddit, I think, a lot, of the, idea of emascilation, though is, as you mentioned, it's put on women. So, like, guys have these, fucking, weird, fucking ideas that are typically revolving around sex and sexuality and like their hangups and insecurities.

And then they just like project that shit out onto women in ways that like make women responsible. Their insecurity or their, you masculinity, or they're having like soaked up all these sort of like bad cultural messages. So

0:15:42 Thomas: Yeah.

0:16:54 Eli: It's like when you realize that your friend is making his girlfriend his mom, right? It's like a weird sex version of that, right, like you go over and she's like, hey, do you guys want some dinner, and I'm like, oh yeah, are we ordering, and she's like, no, I'll cook something, and you're like, this is fucking horrifying, this is really hard.

0:17:00 Tom: Yes. Yeah.

0:17:01 Thomas: God, wait, sorry.

0:17:14 Eli: I cannot maintain my chill in any way, shape or form in this scenario, are you going to acknowledge, no, no, it's not a dinner party, you're there and nonchalantly someone comes in and is like, so can I tell you about our specials today, and you realize that like that's the dynamic, and you've got to be like, oh, yes, serving wench, thank you so much, a coin for your troubles, right?

0:17:13 Tom: Why could somebody cook dinner?

0:17:15 Thomas: Just kick. What? Literally just because someone made dinner once. That's. Uh-huh.

0:17:34 Tom: I. OK, but but when when Haley has friends over, I almost always just walk in and like start cooking and making snacks and shit for them.

0:17:47 Eli: There's not three thousand years of fucking fetishization history behind you, Tom. You've been able to own property since the ancient Greeks, it's really worked out for us. I love this first one so much because it's it's

0:17:52 Thomas: Yeah.

0:17:48 Tom: Right. I just. All right, fair enough, so let, let me read some of these, uh, Reddit, Reddit answers, some of these are just fucking bananas. I might spend the whole time on this first one, an old girlfriend said she tried anal before and didn't like it, but she wanted to try it again with me because my penis, quote, seemed more doable, end quote. Thank,

0:18:07 Eli: The perfect example of male entitlement, and that's a bad thing. Hey, shout out to Psycho America, the first comment, who says, so you put your wiener in a girl's butt and you still found a way to be bummed. You have been to a live show, you are aware that I am not a well-endowed man, so this because I leave it all on the dance floor, that's why, Thomas Smith, but here's the thing. Okay, this situation has happened to me multiple times in my life, and each time I do, I thank the penis gods. As well, I should, I would like to have sex with you, I would like to try a new kind of sex with you, is immense. What version of emasculation do you have

0:18:27 Tom: Thank you.

0:18:28 Thomas: Why do they know that?

0:19:03 Thomas: Yeah.

0:19:03 Eli: That someone would be like, hey, I can't have sex with you because it would harm me, and you're like, nice, I am a danger. I

0:19:08 Thomas: Oh, man. I'm realizing this is 12 years old. This is 12 years old, so I think, is this before the whole meme of, fellas, is it gay to have sex with a woman? Because that's basically, right? I mean, that came up, I think a little later, where it's It's like that's ways to, you something's gay when it turns out to be, you this kind of thing. It's, like, well, you're literally talking about sex with a woman. How could it, how could that be emasculating? Like, that's what I'm talking about. That's the thing that the emasulating is for, isn't it? Like, what are we doing here? To agree with Eli, like.

0:19:30 Tom: Oh,

0:19:37 Eli: The thing, what is, what is your masculinity based on if not sex with women? I mean, right, again, to be clear, I'm not saying that's a good thing to base one's masculinity on, but

0:19:40 Thomas: Yeah, if not sex with women. No, yeah, I'm telling you about, like that, that. That's, that, like the classic, like yeah. Yeah, that's the het dude.

0:19:49 Tom: Yeah.

0:19:49 Eli: I'm wondering where the fuck his metric has gone. I want to hear that guy's opposite story, is like, oh well, one time I was in the locker room and my bro was like, dude, I could never have anal sex with you, your dick is huge. Wait a minute, I'm gay. Oh, I just realized, everybody, hey, real quick, I, what's that fucking user's name? I'm doxing him. I, warps vu weft, just realized that I love men, that I would be fine with. I'm gonna open his comment history and see if he's on our just figured out I'm okay.

0:19:52 Thomas: Yeah.

0:20:22 Eli: Which should

0:19:52 Tom: Yeah, Yeah, this is a guy who's been.

0:20:23 Eli: Exist if it hasn't.

0:20:24 Thomas: I

0:20:24 Tom: This is a guy who is saying, like, I get to have more varied and more pleasurable sex with women, and that is emasculating to me because, like, the male obsession with our own dick size is exclusively a male obsession, right? Like, it's not to say that there's not, like, somebody who is like into size, right, somebody who's into everything, but like the obsession with dick

0:20:45 Eli: Tom's into anal. He just sort of told on himself when he said the more pleasurable sex is anal sex, so for those of you sort of keeping a parasocial notebook, that's Tom's thing, you

0:20:51 Tom: Just saying it's it's more pleasurable for her is what she's saying, right? Like, is she's like, yeah, then we can make this happen because you're not going to fucking rip me and a half.

0:20:58 Eli: Can back up all you want Tom, people know what a dirty bird you are now. You love the B-hole, don't you? Tom, hey, I feel endangered from Hayley, wherever she is. How sick is she? I heard she was getting better. Can you keep, keep her sicker? I'm worried about that comment. Yeah.

0:20:58 Thomas: Yeah. Yeah.

0:21:04 Tom: Why are you making this weird about gay stuff, Eli? Like, this is like an exclusively male thing. It's so fucking bizarre. It has always been dudes who have been like weirdly obsessed with dick size. Women, like, pole after pole, women don't care about your pole, like it's not that big a deal, they

0:21:25 Thomas: Yeah. I was going to say, pole after pole, they just take, your wife right now is taking pole after pole and it's fine. Doesn't matter how, how big it is. They always do the thing where they're like, well, in ancient Greece, you see, they actually, the smaller penis was better, and that's why the statues or whatever. I'm always like, do, is you think that's really true? I don't know. Yeah.

0:21:33 Eli: Yes. Well Yeah.

0:21:50 Tom: All just went swimming, they sculpt them immediately after swimming, that's the thing,

0:21:51 Thomas: They sculpted

0:21:51 Eli: They all just went hey you pose nude for fucking Michelangelo, who's got all these sores on his face for 12 hours. Tell me you're rocking the Snickers vein for three and a half hours while this guy finds the angel in the marble. Find the angel on the marble. How about coming over here and tugging on me for a second. Mike, Jesus. Look, here's the thing. And I don't want to put you gents in a position to talk about the sizes of your penis because you don't walk on stage in the outfits that you do. But I will say as a less than endowed young man, I see relief and joy on my partner's faces, right? It's like when you would go in for a quiz at school and you open it up and you're like, oh shit, I know all this stuff. That's how, in my life, women have looked at my genitalia, like, oh, okay, no, I got this, this is fine, this is fun. I was, I was so freaked out about this last night, but this is actually totally manageable. Manageable is a compliment that I would

0:21:54 Thomas: Them and well

0:22:49 Eli: Enjoy and be masculated by. I don't know if that's a word, but I would be mascalated by it. Appreciate it. I was once said on stage, I have social justice genitalial. Thank you very much. All right. Want to talk about the second one? Here, because this one, this is a different, again, just like, where are you based, the, the quote, it's just a quote, is, wow, your brother is actually attractive. Exactly, why would that emasculate it? First of all, only if it's like, wow, your brother is absolutely attractive, right, as opposed to the, you, right, is the comparison. And but this implies that, like, once you need to be the hottest sibling, I need to be

0:23:02 Tom: All right wait, what? What?

0:23:34 Thomas: It

0:23:34 Eli: The hardest sibling. I

0:23:35 Thomas: It does I, I do read it as they're saying they're surprised, and so that means, I could see, see how this is, wow, this means you're unattractive, but why does this emasculate you, like some of the manliest men ever, it's just ugly, like, that's, you know, you know, but, oh,

0:23:44 Eli: Don't understand is

0:23:49 Tom: OK, but I could kind of if my wife was like surprised to find out that a close relative of mine was actually attractive, like I can see it not feeling good to find out that my wife would be unattracted to me like that would be right.

0:24:00 Thomas: It's not great, it's not great, what but Tom, would you ever even forget, uh, you're an evolved, uh, man. Pretend you had a normal concept of masculinity, and by normal I mean like the shitty kind, like you, like an average guy. I would, my first thought wouldn't be like, wow, I'm less of a man. It would be like, oh, I guess I'm not attractive. I, why don't even understand why this is related to that, you know?

0:24:19 Tom: OK, well, that's worth exploring, though, because I think I might feel, I might, might actually feel that way, because I do feel like to some degree my attractiveness to the sex that I'm attracted to is part of my idea of my man I am as a man, right? Like, I, I don't know that I can parse those things meaningfully out, right. If I felt like all women found me unattractive, or if I was unattracted to the opposite sex and I was interested in that sex, I, I would have a really hard time dealing with that. Yeah.

0:24:24 Thomas: Oh, okay. Hmm. Oh, okay.

0:24:48 Thomas: So you Think good looking. That's interesting. Good looking.

0:24:51 Tom: Think sexual attractiveness to the opposite sex, if that's what you're attracted to, I, I have, I would have an impossible time personally pulling that out of my idea of my own masculinity, right? Like my, manhood is partially relevant to me as a function of how it relates out to the world. Does that make sense?

0:24:53 Thomas: Okay, huh?

0:24:59 Eli: Boring.

0:25:11 Thomas: Well, I tell you something that is going to be extremely embarrassing, but I'm, I'm proud to say it no, no, this is just pure me Embarrassment. I had multiple times in my life, and mainly when I was younger. So in college, one time in particular, I can remember where I had interactions, not this, but like this, where someone was like, "Oh, you have a brother?" "Oh, yeah." And being as somebody, he was like 19 or whatever, 20, I didn't really understand what that meant, and I've now come to understand that it means, hey, you are probably an attractive dude, but you're a nightmare and I can't stand being around you, do you have a different person who has some of the same genes

0:25:16 Tom: If you tell me you think I'm ugly, I, I it's going to hurt my feelings on air.

0:25:52 Thomas: But probably isn't insane. I

0:25:52 Eli: Some of those genes. I is what I was going to ask. I was gonna ask, because my favorite thing, obviously, is the smoke show among the trolls. Um, are you the hot one in your family, or is everyone hot?

0:26:04 Thomas: Mean, hot is a strong word, but I actually think pretty much all my siblings are like attractive, but but we're also, we're all nightmares in different ways. Actually, I think my brother's the only one who had, like, my, was always like, yeah, he's he's a basket case like all of us but in a very charming, funny way, that I, I think he would have had the easiest success with, you, whoever he's going for, versus me and my my sisters who are kind of basket cases in ways that are like my, yeah,

0:26:11 Eli: Oh, you were a hot family of poor gremlins. That's the best.

0:26:35 Tom: Like on display a little more

0:26:36 Eli: Unignorable.

0:26:36 Thomas: They, they had a harder time. Like we, we didn't think my sister, my little sister would ever get married. Like it was that kind of thing. You know, we Didn't think she would ever get married because she was just like, so, felt bad because I think she was truly just so messed up by not only dealing with my dad, but like all of us who had been, you by our dad and then like took it out on her as the youngest, you know? So like, it was always like, fuck, I don't know what's going to happen here.

0:26:37 Eli: Yeah.

0:26:38 Tom: Okay

0:26:58 Eli: Well, look, the youngest is always fucked, right? The youngest is just, you write that shit off on your taxes, right, no, there's no youngest child that's ever been like, ah, I had a great childhood waking up.

0:27:00 Thomas: Yeah, exactly.

0:27:03 Tom: I'm The youngest So I Am the Youngest That's Me very Much the

0:27:09 Eli: I loved how my parents were like, condoms feel weird. And then I existed. That was awesome. That Was probably the best part of my life.

0:27:09 Tom: Youngest

0:27:16 Thomas: But she found someone who is amazing for they're actually having their third child soon because they're Catholic, of course. But no, they instantly had three.

0:27:23 Eli: And you got to pass it along. You got to Pass along the

0:27:26 Thomas: Yeah, only a weirdo would have three kids is what I'm trying to say.

0:27:26 Eli: Kurtz of Baba Yaga. Yeah.

0:27:30 Tom: Only a Catholic weirdo.

0:27:32 Thomas: Yeah, No, she found something great, and uh, they couldn't be a better ending to that, but like, I was genuinely concerned for a while. Yeah.

0:27:32 Tom: Right, yeah.

0:27:40 Eli: Yeah. Okay. So you come from a hot family of poor weirdos. Those are fun, by the way, those are great because everyone in town takes a turn trying to save them, right? I won't say the name of the family, but there was a family like that in my hometown, and they were just like these beautiful gorgeous little street urchins, and so everyone would be like, I mean, gosh, I'll, I'll adopt a kitten, absolutely, and then their dad would hobble out of the back with his chiseled jaw and be like, have I told you about the government, and everyone would be like, oh, not worth it, not actually, you know what I can do is I can go home and jerk off to your son, that's what I'm gonna do, no.

0:27:44 Thomas: Oh, boy,

0:28:12 Tom: Jesus Christ, so

0:28:07 Thomas: There is some amount of truth to that there is, yeah, no, there's truth there, there's no, there is no there, there is, there's not, there's some truth there to part, elements that I won't say who, but elements of my family, there is a little bit of that. Oh, Yeah.

0:28:22 Eli: Love

0:28:25 Tom: Now I have to ask, because now I'm super curious, is your sense of your masculine, do you have any sense of my masculinity, I guess, maybe that's like the predicate that this would be based on?

0:28:32 Thomas: We should kind of cover the basics.

0:28:34 Tom: Do you have a sense of your masculinity at all? Is that something that you have just an innate kind of feeling around?

0:28:34 Thomas: Yeah. I think So, I think I, I'd be lying if I said I didn't. I think that as much as I enjoy, and live now, like that crap really doesn't matter to me, and it's the kind of thing where I've talked about my dad, you know, my dad had no problem not giving a shit about that when it would require like effort or or Any, you, you know, like he had, yeah, love, or, or like getting a member of the fight story. Like he didn't care about being, he's like, "Oh no, I don't care, I'm not going to prove I'm a man." So I do have interesting kind influences there, I guess, but living in the country, in the family I was in, my male identity was like, I'm the strong boy that does the work. You know, I I'm doing, I'm chopping the firewood. If I'm, there's something to put together, assemble, do any of that. Like that was as a kid. That was really what I felt. Also, you weights. I was, you but like really strong for my

0:28:57 Eli: Love

0:29:17 Tom: Sure.

0:29:29 Eli: Totally.

0:29:30 Thomas: Weight. So I took pride in that. So like I had, I had all those things that I identified with, but now I don't as much. So I'm not sure, but none of that was ever like, oh, good looking or not. I don't know why. I just never really thought of it that way.

0:29:30 Eli: Yeah. Absolutely. I Felt like a reverse Kryptonian, right, if a human had been sent to Krypton and a bunch of gorgeous ripped super powerful aliens had a Jew in their life, that's what happened to me, is I popped out of a capsule and my dad was like, well, here I am, the most masculine man you'll ever meet in your whole fucking life, and I was like, musicals, papa, musicals, I say, yeah, I lost all sense. Here's how I feel about my masculinity at this point. It's like when people remind me that I wear glasses. And not everyone does. Right? I'll be like, oh, right, yes. No, I lack that thing that some people care about. Yeah, no, I don't have one of those. Um, would you like me to do a little dance? I donno what to, I got this little, you put on a hat with bells on it, I dont really know what to tell ya, you wanna have anal sex? It hurts less.

0:30:35 Tom: You won't even notice.

0:30:35 Eli: Huh? Huh?

0:30:36 Thomas: You won't even feel it.

0:30:38 Eli: You won't even feel it. The Eli Bosnick story.

0:30:40 Tom: It's funny for me. I didn't, any have sense, like what, as it relates to like the idea of like attractiveness, like, I don't feel like I had any sense of my value to women or my attractiveness to women until my mid thirties. So like up until then I was like, well, and you know, I mean, like obviously not very attractive, like not really going to have a lot to offer here.

Like maybe I can like learn to cook and have value in other places in someone's life, you know? And like once I hit my mid twenties, and I was single, and I, I was kind of like figuring some other things out, which I came to much, much later than most people because I didn't really date in high school, and you know, et cetera. So I had kind of like a stunted adolescence in some regards.

So like I'm, I'm in my mid thirties and I'm figuring this stuff out in this very conscious way, but it absolutely became something that I felt very apparently, like it wasn't like just an internal or innate sense. It was this very, very apparent and like conscious sense that like, yeah, like I have to, I have to have value out to other people in this very specific way in order for me to, you

0:31:47 Tom: Know move through yeah You got to earn a person, right, like I mean, seriously, you have to get to earn

0:31:47 Eli: Got Got to earn your rest.

0:31:50 Thomas: That's what I mean. Yeah. Even the classic conception is like, well, you can fix the car. Can you change a tire? You are the, when people talk about masculinity and like, oh, and more importantly, when the assholes like Matt Walsh and, and, you know, and Jordan Peterson talk about like what we're losing without masculinity, they're always like, who's going to change your tires late? Who's going open a jar for you? You it's never like, Who's gonna be a pretty boy in the mirror. It's always like who's going to do something you could easily hire someone to do or get some sort of gadget to do. That's our entire value as men is like those infomercials about the thing that opens the jars for old people. Like that's our whole value is just doing that.

0:31:52 Tom: Yeah, I guess, like, what, what What I am feeling out a little bit is like, I, I sort of live two lives. So I live like 30 some years feeling very unattractive to the opposite sex, and as, as a result, I did not have strong or positive feelings about my masculinity. Like I had very negative feelings about My value as a man, because like connect as it related to my ability to connect sexually with women, it was a fucking null. It was a zero. So I was like, all right, well, that's clearly a problem, right? Should be attractive to women if they want to, if that's like, if they happen to be heterosexual, right. Like that's part of your value as as a man is like your ability to attract a mate.

And at, I had not had good success there in my life. Then I'm in my mid thirties and all of a sudden I'm like, wait a minute. No, that's true. And like, I like other people do find me attractive. And I had to have this whole like wrestle and it really reconceptualized my internal value of myself as a fan. And they, the two for me were very much inextricably

0:32:27 Thomas: Oh, interesting.

0:33:23 Thomas: Hmm.

0:33:23 Tom: Linked. Like the idea of being a viable social sexual partner to women absolutely feels integral to me, to my value as a, as a man, like I can't pull those things apart personally.

0:33:38 Thomas: Interesting.

0:33:38 Tom: Yeah.

0:33:39 Eli: Oh, see, I feel like, let me say this. I'll say this without, without trying to exaggerate. I don't think a woman has ever had sex with me because she found me so attractive, right? There's no, no one's ever been like, I'm sorry. You are just so hot. I need to get on that. Are those pajama pants? So that's those two that like, that would be like saying, well, I mean, women only fuck me based on how I make souffle, like that's how distant those two concepts are to me, as far as sexuality and masculinity goes. Uh, can I read this next one? All right, because this one I have a fucking, I, one is, grabs flaccid dick, laughs hysterically. And here's my white hot take. Are you ready? If your partner has not been allowed to play with your flaccid penis and enjoy themselves as the hysterical object, a flaccid penis is, you suck at sex. You're bad at sex, you suck. You sit there

0:33:49 Tom: Yeah. Absolutely.

0:34:05 Thomas: Yeah. Yeah, that's true. Do,

0:34:30 Tom: Are Yeah. I don't

0:34:36 Eli: And you're like, it's hard now, now it's soft, go away.

0:34:36 Thomas: Do, if they're not able to do a little puppet show, you out a character with it, I'm totally with you. Yeah. No, That

0:34:42 Eli: Exactly. If someone has not gotten to give your penis a voice, you fucking suck. You're the worst. They hated every second of it and they left thinking of your brother who's attractive.

0:34:53 Tom: Well, that's that's why you have keep to carry a series series of tiny sombreros by the side of the bed, you know, so you can just kind of have like a

0:34:54 Thomas: Hey,

0:34:59 Eli: Tiny sombreros, props, correct them with the voice, right? Hey, hey, that's not how he talks. See, now you guys aren't Jewish, so you can't do the he talks like this. And then you do super Jewish, uncomfortably anti-Semitic penis.

0:35:04 Thomas: No, No, That's not No, I still do, but we just don't tell anybody about it.

0:35:16 Eli: Okay, there you go. Yeah, don't talk. It's like H.P. Lovecraft's cat. You don't talk about it. Don't talk about H.P. Lovecraft's cat or the name Thomas has for his penis.

0:35:17 Thomas: Yeah.

0:35:20 Tom: Uncomfortably anti -Semitic penis.

0:35:24 Thomas: Cat yeah oh God, no, I'm not, I'm cutting that, no way. Oh,

0:35:33 Eli: Come on. I just want to do a quick fan art contest about everyone drawing the most anti-Semitic picture of Thomas's penis they can. Why are you afraid of audience engagement, Thomas? I'm trying to grow this show. I'm going to try to grow our brand right now. And you're not letting the listeners.

0:35:51 Tom: That's a grower, not a shower, is why that's

0:35:51 Thomas: God. Yeah.

0:35:53 Eli: Thank you.

0:35:53 Tom: What's why you're trying to do that, yeah.

0:35:54 Eli: One of our listeners chose sexy foxes. He could do as anti-Semitic sexy fox penis.

0:35:59 Tom: Why does it got to be anti-Semitic? I

0:36:01 Eli: By the way, shout out. I won't name this person because they were like, Hey, you saw that this thing got announced. Please just be chill. And I was like, absolutely. Uh, to Patreon, the fucking enigma, uh, that it is has It automatically turns on a setting. That's like, wait, Hey, if you have a bunch of patrons, Do you want us to email them when you subscribe to something?

0:36:01 Thomas: Why is it, if Oh God.

0:36:20 Eli: Which is why you all got a fucking email that Tom's book club or whatever gave them two of my dollars, you fucking communist. But the point is, so Patreon is set to let people know when we, the Dear Old Dads account, subscribe to someone.

0:36:19 Thomas: Yep, I yeah, I had that happen, wow,

0:36:29 Tom: Don't even have any idea what you're talking about out.

0:36:38 Eli: You subscribe to some fucking book club on our account, you commie.

0:36:37 Tom: Oh, yeah. If books could kill, it's not a book club.

0:36:42 Eli: Yes, that One. I don't know, killer books. Books that have big paper cuts. I don't pay attention to these things, but whatever this guy is, he draws sexy foxes for a lot of people, like a fucking lot. So a bunch of Fox perverts love you. Fox pervert's represent. Um, we're like, hey, do you guys fuck around with some sexy Fox shit? Cause I've been listening to your podcast and you guys haven't talked about how turtles fuck even once. And I just, that is the kind of viral marketing we need but Thomas won't let me do because he's afraid of how you'll draw his penis in our fan art contest now. The question is what

0:37:19 Tom: I have no idea what's even happening anymore all

0:37:22 Eli: Are we giving away to the winner, and the answer as always is Tom's cell phone number. So hit me up, folks. Anti-Semitic pictures of Thomas's penis. Get it out there pay

0:37:28 Thomas: Yeah, why does it have to be anti-Semitic? I think it just can just also be like tasteful Jewish pictures do

0:37:34 Tom: Right

0:37:33 Eli: Attention to my bits, Tom. And there's a reason why it has to to be anti-Semitic, God doing all the heavy lifting. All

0:37:43 Tom: So this next one: my girlfriend kisses my hand. It's not just a subtle kiss, she takes my hand like a prince and proceeds to kissing it like I'm her princess in public places. I told her a couple of times I feel embarrassed by it, and her response usually is shut up bitch.

0:37:58 Thomas: Buried the lead on on that one.

0:37:59 Eli: She's she's doing a kink thing with you just so you know and

0:38:01 Thomas: Yeah, because that's great, but that the ending kind of ruins it. Because I mean, by ruins it, it makes it a great comment, but like it ruins the actual conversation piece of it, which is like, why would that at all make you feel emasculated? It's like sort of like the sex one again, where it's like, I'm sorry you're getting affection from a woman and you're like, oh man, this is so gay, you know, like, what, until until the end then, exactly,

0:38:23 Tom: Any, yeah, any time Hayley wants to put her lips on any part of my body, the answer is yes, like it's, I don't care, like, what is happening? I'm just like, yeah, 100, get your face over here, absolutely. Like I don't understand that at all, I don't understand that at all. It say that, but like in our relationship that would be very not weird. It wouldn't put me off, I don't think, but it would be out of character in our relationship for sure. Would your, I, wives ever actually, cause I kiss Haley's hand all the time. Like I'll be driving in the car, we hold hands while I drive, and like, I'll just like grab her hand and kiss her hand.

0:38:30 Eli: Your ass, yeah, oh

0:38:34 Thomas: Yeah

0:38:54 Eli: My god, that fucking sucks I will literally never be in a car with the tube if you started to do that, I would hurl myself against your windshield like a baby bird, gee.

0:38:58 Tom: You don't hold hands with your wife while you drive. Wait a minute. Hold on. Do you not hold hands with your life while you drive?

0:39:06 Thomas: We do, Eli's just weird. Here's Eli, you're the great.

0:39:07 Tom: Yeah. You don't. You hold your wife's

0:39:07 Eli: Oh, no, I'm the the crazy one. Yeah

0:39:10 Thomas: Hold on, hold on, Tom.

0:39:11 Tom: Hand while you drive.

0:39:12 Thomas: There's important context. Every time Eli drives, it's a matter of life and death, there's no he can't

0:39:17 Eli: First of all

0:39:17 Tom: That's true. I actually don't want Eli holding the wheel while he drives. Like self-driving car well,

0:39:17 Eli: Both

0:39:18 Thomas: No, yeah, I want Eli holding nothing, I want I want Eli to have three hands and a foot on the steering wheel. Like, he needs every part of his body.

0:39:27 Eli: Hands are on my phone, I'm playing Sudoku, so is this a normal do people hold hands while they drive, that feels insane to me, I'm

0:39:30 Tom: Just one, but yeah, what

0:39:31 Thomas: You can't do Sudoku. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, we do. I would say it really depends on the car.

0:39:37 Tom: Are you talking about I

0:39:39 Thomas: We've gone through evolutions of, like, you know, the center console being like, oh, fuck, this thing. This is in the way, you Know? But, like. Yeah. No, we don't.

0:39:45 Tom: Don't even know why I'd buy a car if I couldn't hold her hand in it, like I would just be like, that's weird, like this is weird, I'm getting a different car.

0:39:50 Thomas: Think this is a three bear situation.

0:39:51 Tom: How

0:39:52 Thomas: I think I do it a normal amount. Tom does it excessively. And Eli's never heard of it. That's interesting.

0:39:56 Eli: Gonna try to do this and Anna's gonna punch me in the skull when I try to doing this next time I'm going to, we're going to be yeah

0:39:56 Tom: Have you never even heard of this, do you not I

0:39:56 Thomas: Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Again, she's if you're driving, she'S white knuckling it. She'S probably like in just, a fight or flight state because you're driving. I think that's that explains it, you know?

0:40:10 Eli: Yeah

0:40:08 Tom: Will say that I hold Haley's hand while I drive all the time, and but like if we're driving through like traffic or something, like it starts to get tense, she'll be like, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, you know, cause I'll like start to tense up and start smushing

0:40:21 Thomas: Yeah. If you got to flip off the car next to you, yeah, you got to unless you figure out like, yeah.

0:40:23 Tom: Her hand right so

0:40:23 Eli: Exactly do you do it together as a couple with your middle fingers intertwined, mind you fucking weirdos

0:40:30 Tom: We just email them, Eli, from our joint email address, just can't believe you don't hold her hand while you drive, that's bizarre to me, what do you mean, you can't fathom it

0:40:31 Eli: Yeah with your mixed, oh, we're gonna, we're gonna block you on our couple's Facebook account, you fucking weirdos I can't fathom it, not, not let just don't do it, hey, do you wanna, hey, I'm worried that we might get lost and not end up at the same candy house at the same time, do you want to hold hands real fucking quick? Look, I, and to answer your question before you

0:40:52 Tom: What

0:40:52 Thomas: To be fair, Tom is following a trail of candy beans when he drives as well.

0:41:01 Eli: Wherever he goes, it's true. Yeah, to answer your question though, Anna and I are very affectionate in public with one major exception, and we've talked about it, and gosh, it's it's hard to admit to being abused on air, but I have the strength, the courage and the vulnerability to admit it. The exception to our affection and love is when I order coffee with her. At any place, she cannot physically, cannot not roast my offer. When I'll go up and I'll be like, hi, can I get a pumpkin sugar double frappuccino, extra whipped cream, soy, double sugar, put a bowl bag of sugar in it, and then mix it around, and then one single drop of coffee uh, warm but not too hot for my gentle sweet boy.

Lips and tongue. And every time I watch her be like, oh, he's mentioned this, he's done bits about this, I'm not supposed to make fun fun his order, and then she gets up there and she's like, just a coffee for me, instead of this fucking asshole, you know what I'm saying. If you could put some coffee in a cup for me to drink, unlike princess twinkle toes over here, that'd be fucking great. Now if you excuse me, I gotta pick up the hem of the Queen of England's dress as he gently quietly traipsed over to the table and waits for his sugar plum fairy

0:41:43 Thomas: And then kiss my hand on the back and then, yeah.

0:42:02 Thomas: She turns into Hayley's accent, yeah, yeah

0:42:22 Eli: Beverage to be ready. And I'm like, you know you did it again, right? And she's like, I'm so sorry. I just physically can't resist it.

0:42:24 Tom: I don't blame her a bit, though. I don't blame her a bit.

0:42:33 Eli: Well, maybe you should have a three-way hand holding thing. Next time we're in the car, I'll have her sneak her little hand. You can drive with your knees and then you can hold my wife's hand too.

0:42:41 Tom: Do you hold hands walking down the street if you're like walking someplace? Yeah,

0:42:45 Eli: Sometimes. Mean, we mostly walk in New York City. So if you're holding hands in Newark City, you are going to get murdered. An old lady is going to come and swing in between your hands and slit both your throats simultaneously.

0:42:46 Thomas: It just depends. Well,

0:42:50 Tom: That would be rude in New York City, that would be rude, yeah, yeah, I will say like if it's, if it's the city, that makes it like there's just like a ton of foot traffic, that's fucking rude. Because you just, yeah,

0:43:05 Eli: Yeah.

0:43:05 Thomas: Yeah, because you both have to have your knives ready and your nunchucks for the, you know, this self

0:43:08 Eli: Exactly. You got to be able to get to your nunchucks at any given moment.

0:43:10 Thomas: -defense class that you just took. Yeah, I whole hand holding, um, you can imagine, Eli, you've, you've seen a show or two with me, that actually adds a new level of, um, I can show for, if something's good, you know how there's like the standing ovation, but if I'm holding hands with Lydia, I can't be bothered to separate my hands and clap for something, especially if it's one of those polite, like, oh, we're clapping now because someone did something that was okay, I'm like, no, I'm not doing it, I'm already holding, my hands already occupied, but if something is so good, then I'm like, that's a, that's an unclasp the wife's hand and clap situation, you know, that's like, like the the Paul Hollywood handshake, that's like a you know, that's an additional level of, uh, I can give somebody. So yeah,

0:43:11 Eli: Yeah. Yeah.

0:43:47 Tom: Yeah right, yeah, that's a right there, if we're at the theater or something, we'll sit and watch, like, I, we just, I just hold her hand anytime we're next to each other, I'm holding her hand, like we just lay in bed watching TV or whatever.

0:44:00 Thomas: And then picture it's a shitty production, Tom, someone sings a song, you're like, that wasn't very good, but the polite thing to do is clap, but my hand's busy, I'm not doing it, and

0:44:00 Tom: Yeah, I'm not even gonna slap my thigh, yeah, yeah, I'm

0:44:09 Eli: Oh, Anna and I actually do have a hand-holding-based signal based on this sucks, which is like thumb across the back of the hand is, hey, this sucks. Do you want to leave? And then if the other person does it, it's like, hey. We're going to leave.

0:44:10 Tom: Yeah, 100, oh,

0:44:13 Thomas: Oh, nice, Nice. I like that.

0:44:25 Eli: Yeah. Yeah, it's a, say

0:44:25 Tom: I just whisper, uh, do you want to leave? And by whisper, I mean I think I say it very Very loudly.

0:44:28 Thomas: I was gonna say, I just say loudly.

0:44:28 Eli: It full volume. Jump on stage and say, I'm sorry, everybody. You'll notice I'm holding my wife's hand right now as I speak to all of you. How do you want to leave? Do you not like it? I don't like it here. Get home and have some anal sex, my favorite thing in the world, canonically, and examine these pictures, anti-Semitic pictures of Thomas Smith's penis. Call back. You can't cut it from the show now. Keep it all in the show. Otherwise, this doesn't make sense.

0:44:29 Thomas: Yeah.

0:44:30 Tom: Yeah. Oh,

0:45:05 Eli: All right, gentlemen, before we go, I think the next one is going to be I think my wife is putting glue on all my firearms. She denies it, but I'm sticking to my guns.

0:45:15 Tom: God.

0:45:17 Thomas: So stupid.

0:45:19 Tom: I like that one.

0:45:28 Thomas: That's really good. I love that one.

0:45:33 Clip: Want to meet sexy DILFs in your area? Email the dads at DearOldDads.com or, better yet, send us a message on Patreon. You can follow us on all social media by checking the links in the show notes. And if you need more podcasts in your life, you can find Tom on Cognitive Dissonance, Thomas on Serious Inquiries Only, and Eli on Godawful Movies and all the Puzzle in the Thunderstorm shows. Dear Old Dads is edited and produced by my favorite DILF, Tom Smith, who also wrote and recorded the intro music, which is used with his permission. This podcast is a production of Daddy Issues LLC. Copyright 2022. All rights reserved.

0:46:13 Eli: Balls, balls, balls. Balls. Balls balls balls.

0:46:16 Thomas: The 100th episode, Tom, about 10 minutes in, forgot he had a mic. I think it, I think it's On brand for Tom, you just must have been cuddling like Hayley, which I totally respect, but You're all Your Sound

0:46:21 Eli: Yeah

0:46:25 Tom: No. It Was It Was horrible. I know, what, like, I'll, I take a picture of my desk setup. The problem is that I was literally standing the whole time, hunched Over and My back started To hurt, and so like I would start to like stretch a little bit, and then I try to jump in, get closer to the mic, but like I don't have a two, I don't have a way for Us both to monitor at The same Time

0:46:26 Thomas: Oh Oh No, oh No I Told I Only Said it because I thought it was going to be a cute, endearing thing to put at the end of the, in the bloopers. I genuinely thought, lot, like you were just like sitting with Haley and forgot about your mic.

0:46:56 Tom: No I, yeah, it was, it was Horrible

0:46:56 Eli: No it turns out you're not an adult with dignity who can sit at your own table so you know all

0:47:02 Tom: My