DOD54: Take My Wife, Please!

Transcript

This transcript was generated automatically and may contain errors — the audio is the record.

0:00:28 Tom: Welcome to Dear Old Dads, the podcast that's all balls and no chains. I'm Tom Curry, I'm joined as always by Thomas Smith and Eli Bosnick. Four out of six balls, non -operational by the way.

0:00:39 Eli: I was going to say that that was the intro for after my vasectomy, Tom.

0:00:44 Thomas: One of mine and one of Eli's. That's the weird thing. Yeah.

0:00:47 Eli: Yeah, no. Yeah. How's that a vasectom appointment coming there, Tom has three kids.

0:00:48 Thomas: Uh, yeah remember how I had to click a button and it didn't work? Yeah, still, that still happened the time I did it, so.

0:00:58 Tom: I'm gonna have to fly out there and be like, alright man I'm making your appointments. Give me your, be like just like Haley, be like alright just tell me what you need, give me your phone, I'll make all your appointments, here we go.

0:01:06 Thomas: Man, I...

0:01:06 Eli: I re just so you know, I refuse to celebrate the fourth kid. I refuse.

0:01:11 Thomas: No.

0:01:11 Eli: When you do that, when you do the announcement, I'm going to be like, cool.

0:01:11 Thomas: If we have a fourth kid, it will be like we the 1800s and it was out of wedlock, like it'll be they'll live

0:01:18 Eli: Yeah.

0:01:21 Tom: Yeah, that's a shame. The fourth one is a shame kid.

0:01:22 Thomas: In the attic yeah

0:01:21 Eli: Yeah. If You better send him to the wall, because a four kid family, four kid family, you should just buy them a pack of condoms as a baby gift and be like, here you go, I guess you don't know about these, here you go, I found this, there's this brand new technology that your family doesn't know about, because you're breeding like the Amish, so.

0:01:23 Thomas: No.

0:01:42 Eli: Here you and

0:01:43 Thomas: Oh, boy. Yep.

0:01:42 Tom: Yeah, now we're, Eli and I are just left, we're just left with show balls. That's just, they're just show balls, they'll hear.

0:01:51 Thomas: Showballs.

0:01:52 Eli: And and fantastic ones. They are, can I Say my show balls pristine, the judges at those dog park things, they, they come up, they feel me too. Just to Just to Sort of Set a Standard

0:01:55 Thomas: Yeah. They should judge him up a little bit, as they say, during that procedure. Like, oh, do you want him flattened?

0:02:02 Eli: Oh Unwrinkle The ball sack. Yeah, we'd love that. Yeah.

0:02:06 Thomas: Yeah. And

0:02:07 Tom: I Oh. Give him a nice polish. Can you make him glean?

0:02:10 Thomas: A little filling, like make him more round. Like they're perfectly spherical now.

0:02:15 Eli: Not one hanging lower than the other. Now that'd be great.

0:02:17 Thomas: Yeah. Oh, man.

0:02:18 Tom: I want to bedazzle him. Can we bedazzled him? Like I want it to be like a fucking disco ball. Here we go. Shine a light.

0:02:21 Eli: Glitter. Unicorn on the sack, that's great, yeah.

0:02:27 Tom: Get a fucking Lisa Frank design like it's a goddamn 80s Trapper Keeper down there.

0:02:31 Eli: Tattoo an arrow pointing to my taint a with little text next to it that says, only if you mean it.

0:02:37 Thomas: But I have said that I'm not going to do, after I do the vasectomy, if that ever, if the button ever works and I ever log in again, I've said I'm not going do the cum test.

0:02:41 Tom: If you do the vasectomy. What?

0:02:47 Thomas: We're old. We'll just

0:02:47 Tom: You're just not going to do it because

0:02:48 Thomas: Know. Why do it? Who cares? What are the odds? What Are the odds though? Here's, here's my thing.

0:02:51 Tom: You want to know if it worked.

0:02:51 Eli: I'm Not celebrating the fourth kid,

0:02:55 Thomas: I, that's what I was trying to ask you.

0:02:55 Eli: Thomas, I'm just gonna, I'm gonna move forward

0:02:57 Thomas: I was going to ask me like, I want, look, okay. If, if, I get a vasectomy and somehow we still have a kid, that kid deserves to live. And I wanted to ask Eli if that, if that happened, will he celebrate the fourth kid?

0:02:56 Tom: I'm not Eli right here, man. Absolutely.

0:02:57 Eli: No.

0:03:10 Eli: That's even, now I hate that fourth kid because he's some kind of of malicious survivor.

0:03:14 Thomas: He, he wanted to be in the, well, I say he, God, I hope it's a girl. I'm talking like this is going to happen. She wanted to exist. Okay. Celebrate her.

0:03:14 Eli: No.

0:03:24 Eli: Yeah.

0:03:24 Tom: This is the only time in your life, Thomas, that you can hand a perfect stranger a cup of your jizz and it's fine. It's fine, nobody calls the police. They've got one shot at doing this.

0:03:32 Eli: Yeah.

0:03:32 Thomas: Yeah that's not really an experience I've wanted to yeah I don't feel like that's been missing in my life I don'T KNOW WHY JUST TO EACH THEIR OWN YEAH THE

0:03:38 Eli: Yeah.

0:03:40 Tom: Don't know. You don'T know yet because you've not done it. It's And know what else is just as good As handing a stranger a cup of your jizz Is the auto ads

0:03:50 Thomas: PODCAST EQUIVALENT OF HANDING THE AUDIENCE A CUP OF YOUR WARM CHEESE

0:03:55 Eli: If you If you feel we hand you a cup of jizz every time our completely normal conversation is interrupted by an ad for a community college that specializes in pharmacy assistance near you, You can join us at patreon.com/ slash Dear Old Dads. You get a parenting story, or in the case of last week's show, you get the story of the time I made Thomas drink an entire bottle of vinegar. That was a good time.

0:04:08 Thomas: YEAH THAT WAS UH THERE'S A LOT THERE THERE WAS A LOT there to that story worry you want to go check that out for sure Patreon.com/drill dad, all right, well, now that we're out of our commercial break and we've all got a nice warm mug of jizz, what you want you want

0:04:26 Eli: Yeah.

0:04:37 Tom: This is why I try not to stay hydrated I don't know what's in that cup I don' t know Yeah I gotta be thirsty You gotta be awfully thirsty You know how when

0:04:40 Thomas: To be ready for your jet, no

0:04:42 Eli: No, because if you're drinking, there's always a chance someone has switched it for a container of jizz.

0:04:49 Tom: You're real thirsty Water tastes a little sweet I'm kinda hoping it's like that If I could just stay real thirsty.

0:04:54 Eli: Sure.

0:04:55 Thomas: Oh. God, it's not, it's pointless story, but back in wrestling, when they didn't, I didn't have have such a bad experience where they do the like water is bad for you phase of like, cause that did happen. Like there was a phase, I don't know when it was, maybe just before me in the eighties or something, but like this, the athletic coach would be like, well, the water's bad for you. And then everybody just died. But I was in the, like, well, we will give you a water break. And if you, oh, Tom, you have, um, Eli, I don't think you've been in a wrestling room. Really is like the, the, after sweating it out in the wrestling room, the cold water we get get from the drinking fountain, I'm telling you, I've never had an experience that's been that good in my life since, like, it's just, it's, I'm tell, it's like nectar of the gods, you're like, this is, I need this to live, like, oh my god, I can still feel it almost, you know what I'm talking about, Tom, so every day.

0:04:55 Eli: Yeah.

0:05:41 Tom: I Water is when you're like deeply dehydrated, like water

0:05:46 Thomas: For you so every single week Tom takes one cold glass of water and is like, I'm gonna die if I don't drink this. Yeah,

0:05:46 Tom: Is super sweet. Yeah. Every day. It's amazing. The thing, Thomas, you remember that experience from high school. And I get that every seven days when I bother to drink a glass of water. So I did.

0:06:01 Thomas: He takes this one gulp of water for the week. Tom you had a I think you had a story that you want to launch into this for this one

0:06:09 Tom: So, yeah, had an experience the other day where I was at my I've got a new house and I've hired some people to do some work on the house. And I was in my basement of the new house. I was talking to the handyman contractor guy and I was walking to the electrician contractor guy. And the handy man guy is an old buddy of mine. So he started a business. He and I know each other real well. The electrician guy is a buddy of his, but somebody I've never met before. Um it's just three men standing in the basement and I was just like I had that like meta experience because I think of this show where I realized like oh we're like three dudes we're gonna have like guy talk now like I have

0:06:09 Thomas: Right. Yep yep here

0:06:43 Tom: To have guy talk you know we're standing around there's tools and like we're talking about electricity and like there's gonna be like this like man talk moment you know and there was um and all that was fine I mean I can hang with the tool talk and the renovation talk that's perfectly fine so but then this thing happened it happens all the fucking time this thing happen where the electrician starts to talk about you know his wife and he tells the story I don't even remember what the fucking story was but really it's this thing that I see all the time I see it all the fucking time where it's like well you know I'm gonna be this place far away you know and then you know that way though but then the wife can still nag me from 900 miles away and it's like this like you take my wife please kind of joke stuff right and you see that shit all the time like when men are with other men in our sort of like locker room spaces there's this like really awful and it was great because my buddy tj the other contract he didn't engage it either I didn't gauge it he didn't engage it I was just like I like spending time with my wife and like I made it awkward you

0:06:43 Thomas: It goes nice

0:07:46 Tom: Know I did on purpose. I was like, I I like spending time with my wife. And TJ was like, yeah, I do too, like Amanda's great. And I was like, cool. And like, he felt weird, but you know what I'm talking about? There's this like, there's this really pervasive, socially acceptable way for men to talk about their wives and then to talk in extension about marriage in ways that are like really negative and really toxic and problematic. And this seems to be like one of the few socially acceptable, like locker room ways that guys have to talk about their most loving relationship and

0:07:51 Thomas: I also choose this guy's wife oh god yeah mm -hmm yeah and

0:08:22 Tom: I think that's insane yeah

0:08:23 Eli: It's super interesting because my wife is in this group, uh, Facebook group, One Bad Mother, um, which is a podcast where moms talk like we do. And actually, One Bad Mother was like a big inspiration for me thinking like this show might be a good idea, because there needs to be a dad version of it, but they're, they're very much the mom's version of, of what What I think of our show is. And they have a Facebook group, and on that Facebook group, it is almost exclusively women just being like, my husband never does anything and he fucking sucks and he's cheated on me twice. And he has a, there's a demon that comes out of his ear every night at 3am and tries to stab me. And I, I think it's really funny because when you compare those things, it's like, ah, women always, always valid complaints about men, and men, completely made up assholery about women, yeah

0:08:50 Thomas: Yeah totally yeah, 100% yeah

0:09:10 Tom: YES YEAH THAT'S THE I WAS GONNA SAY LIKE THERE'S A BIG DIFFERENCE LIKE MY HUSBAND DOESN'T EVER HELP OUT AROUND THE HOUSE AND LIKE YEAH CHEATED ON ME AND LIKE HIS FUCKING MY SISTER IN THE OTHER ROOM WHILE I'M TYPING THIS AND LIKE THE ELECTRICIAN'S LIKE THE ONLY WAY FOR ME TO HANG OUT WITH THE guys is to pretend I don't like my wife I can't possibly have a bonding experience with other men unless I caveat it with and I gotta get away from the old ball and chain and it's like or you could just love your wife and also love your friends like and not have to like shit on your primary relationship as like the excuse for why you want to hang out with your buddies like that exists and I like I see that shit all glad I get to get together with the guys every tuesday get get away from the wife. And you're like, get away from me. Like, why can't you just get together with your friends full stop?

0:09:46 Thomas: So

0:09:47 Eli: Yeah

0:09:59 Thomas: 100%, I don't, I want to know, and I don't know if you know, I don't know if it's possible to know, is how can anyone fix that? Like, I just don't know, because every time, like, you say you just, just want to be like, well, have you tried liking your wife? And you're just like, I don't know, that doesn't sound like good. It's sort of like, don't be poor or something, where it's like, I don't, you know, can you just have a better marriage automatically?

Or I want to know, what is the cause? What is like the root thing, if, if people are in these relationships? Cause I think they are patterns. I don't think it's just a question of, like, well, you got a bad partner. It's like, no, these are, these patterns, I guarantee you a lot of these people started out in a really good marriage, at least in terms of, you know, like what they thought about it. You know, I think that these are patterns that are created, but I just don't know what the root source is. If I were to try to give any advice as to how to fucking get out of this cycle for anyone, because I guarantee you, this is like 50 % of our audience minimum, like

0:10:33 Tom: No. Yeah.

0:10:54 Thomas: Minimum.

0:10:54 Tom: Yeah,

0:10:54 Eli: I think people get married too early, that's what I think the problem is. I, I cannot tell you how many people, I read somewhere once that the average courting time in the United States is like nine months, and I was like, God, that's

0:10:54 Tom: Yeah.

0:11:06 Tom: You calling me out? Are you calling me on the show right here? Now this is

0:11:07 Thomas: Yeah. I was going to say, dude, Lydia, moved in within like two months of us meeting.

0:11:15 Eli: Long did you date before you got married? Absolutely.

0:11:17 Thomas: But that didn't matter because, like, we were married, you know, we did the, like, nah.

0:11:21 Eli: Married, I disagree.

0:11:22 Thomas: I you're right in most cases, but, like, we didn't, we, since we moved in so early, especially these days, there wasn't any functional difference.

0:11:22 Eli: How long did it take till you were married? I

0:11:31 Thomas: All right, look, the truth is I'm stalling because I don't know how dates work. I have no fucking idea. We're like coming up with this entire philosophical position purely to not have to give the dates.

0:11:33 Tom: With

0:11:34 Eli: Was gonna say just because you

0:11:40 Thomas: Look, What is... what What is a relationship, really? Like, if we get into it, is marriage... Were we married the day we said, "I do?" Or were we instead married the day our hearts agreed to be? I don't know what day it was, but yeah. No, we met in fucking 2000... always mix it up. It's either the end of 2010 or the end of 2011, and I don't remember which. And Lydia's going to make fun of me, because she corrects me every time, and the information doesn' t stay in my brain. I think the end, I think the end of 2010...

0:11:40 Eli: Can't remember a date because she hasn't told you? Why she needs to tell you why you were married all

0:12:11 Thomas: Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Why should I remember? That's true. There isn't a good reason. Um, so in 2007, 2011, she moved in like pretty quickly, early 2011. And then we got married in 2015.

0:12:14 Eli: Right so four years. See, I think a four-year courting period is great, anything

0:12:28 Thomas: Yeah, but that wasn't a, what do you call a courting period? I feel like there was about a, yeah,

0:12:32 Tom: Anything prior to marriage is what he's saying, I think.

0:12:34 Eli: Prior to marriage is a courting period not

0:12:34 Thomas: But, but I'm saying that's a bad way to define it. I think that's is a bad way to find it personally.

0:12:37 Eli: Not now I think it's real. I think people get married with the exception, with, hey, there's two exceptions. Tom and Hayley, amazing couple, obviously got married 45 minutes after they met her, some shit. And no on Lucinda, who've been together for 80 billion years. They met in a pizza lobby and he was like, you want to throw rocks at straight people? And she was like, fuck yeah, and they've been together forever and they're amazing. Is it? I'm not saying it doesn't work out, I'm saying that the average amount of time, when I meet a couple who has been married, I'm like, oh, how long did you date before you married? And they're like, seven minutes, and I'm like, fuck you, don't even know, you don't know anything about that person.

0:12:59 Tom: No I know

0:13:09 Thomas: No, I don't see, I, I think that's a red herring. Think that it's more fundamental to how people are. And I think the thing you change the thing about people that allowed them to get to know their partners in a real way, I Think that happens pretty quickly. And furthermore, I know plenty of couples who have been together for fucking 10 years and they're not married. They're not still courting. It's just like, no,

0:13:33 Tom: Yeah

0:13:33 Eli: Well no they're just not they should break up and they haven't is what's happening

0:13:34 Tom: I would I would say the same thing I

0:13:37 Thomas: They're going to get married. It's just marriage doesn't, you're taking a fucking 1950s view of marriage. Marriage doesn't matter anymore. There was no distinction.

0:13:37 Tom: Mean

0:13:42 Eli: Oh it absolutely matters.

0:13:44 Thomas: Nah, it doesn't matter. I mean, my marriage is my best thing in my life and it's definitely, no.

0:13:44 Eli: Completely matters.

0:13:49 Tom: About about 30 of my income says it does matter. I would just

0:13:52 Eli: Oh I disagree.

0:13:53 Thomas: Well, I mean in the following sense, I don't mean it doesn'T matter at all, but like the distinction is less and less us. Like we moved in Lydia and I were functionally married within like a few months. Like honestly, there, nothing changed.

0:13:57 Tom: Right now yeah

0:14:01 Eli: So why I disagree, here's where I disagree, because you can live with someone forever, you can leave with someone wherever, it doesn't require anything of you because if it ends, all right, get your shit, get out. Marriage has one concrete, demonstrable thing, which is, hey, if you want to break up with me, there's going to be fucking paperwork. Do you, you have those do you have the stones do you have the fucking cojones to sign a piece of paper that says if we break up, it's gonna fucking wreck your life for a year in legal fees alone, that couple that's been together for 10 years, maybe they'll get married, maybe they won't, but the reason they're not married is one, or maybe both, of those partners are like, I don't want it to be a big deal if we break up. They're not pot committed, is what I'm saying.

0:14:15 Tom: Yeah I agree with you, Eli. Right now yeah I

0:14:50 Thomas: God, I disagree,

0:14:52 Tom: To agree with you, Eli, I to some degree it's, to, it's, put it a little more poetically, maybe, like, I think to some degree marriage is about tangling up your roots and it becomes harder to disentangle than when you're just, not just, yeah, then when you, you're just like living with somebody. If you're just living with somebody. Yeah, you can break a lease. You can just peace out, like the ramifications are always less.

0:14:53 Thomas: Yeah. All right. I'm outvoted.

0:15:10 Thomas: Okay. Let me hold on counterpoint counterpoint. And this is more logically speaking than anything. If you're saying the period before that time doesn't matter, then why does it matter if you stay in that period longer versus shorter, like if the key is if you're testing the relationship by

0:15:12 Tom: Yeah. Yeah

0:15:23 Eli: I'm glad you asked Thomas

0:15:24 Tom: Know I wasn't saying it doesn't matter. I'm just saying there's something different about marriage than being in a long term non -married relationship. Yeah

0:15:25 Thomas: Yeah No sure but If you are saying, but the argument was people are getting married too soon, and I am saying, I, if the period where you are willing to take that plunge and you are willing to like be pot committed come sooner versus later, I don't, what that changes, like why would it be better? Okay.

0:15:42 Eli: Glad you asked, Thomas, and I'll tell you why. It's because they're committing to the pot too soon. You just sat down, you don't even know people's names at the table, and you're over there going, "Well, I got a 6-7 on suit," and you are fucking pushing all your chips into the center of the board. Uh, uh, you gotta wait for a second, you gotta see how the hand is. Is there a big chip bully, right? You gotta know these things, and these hicks

0:16:02 Thomas: Yeah.

0:16:03 Tom: You're talking a lot of talk right now by the way, like you're throwing out a lot of like pokery sounding terms right now.

0:16:05 Eli: Yeah a lot of poker terms

0:16:09 Thomas: I pretty sure they must not make sense because it is Eli, but but actually I think, I think they make sense.

0:16:09 Eli: In this metaphor, I'm I don't

0:16:14 Tom: I feel like I'm following it but this feels legitimate like this is a vernacular.

0:16:16 Thomas: Yeah. This is weird. Did you read a book Eli or

0:16:19 Tom: He He knows like,

0:16:19 Thomas: Something? Like, yeah,

0:16:20 Eli: Know, sometimes I, I jerked off to Rounders the other night or something, I'll figure it out.

0:16:24 Tom: Do you have mirrored sunglasses?

0:16:26 Eli: I

0:16:22 Thomas: Dude,

0:16:26 Tom: We don't know about Eli Bosnick and

0:16:28 Eli: Wear them on the back of my head.

0:16:30 Tom: I want to push back on an idea though, that I'm not sure all of that trash talk for dudes relates to a bad marriage all the time. I

0:16:38 Thomas: You think some of it's just like bullshit, like, like your version of sports talk, getting, being able to get by, they're like, okay, bash my wife, bash my way to get buy, maybe.

0:16:47 Tom: There's Just like, this is the socially acceptable way for men to talk about their women. And I also think that it provides oftentimes a sort of like masculine cover for when men want to spend time alone or when men wanna spend time with other men, men. So when men want to spend time alone or with other men, I think there's some people, like a non-zero, like a significant number of people socially, who will sort of unconsciously be like, well, you know, I need a little bit of time away from the old missus, I'm gonna get in that fishing boat, you know. And it's like, just, just get in your fishing boat, just go spend time with your buddy, just be, it's okay to want time alone, it's okay to want time with your friends, it doesn't have to be couched in this sort of like backhanded slap language against, I, and I do, I think some of it is just linguistic.

0:17:40 Thomas: Maybe.

0:17:40 Tom: I, and but I think it's problematic, even though it's linguistic.

0:17:41 Thomas: All, Right, non-zero, sure, I think this is Tom taking a very positive view of people because he is someone who loves his wife very much, whereas I think a lot of people just have really bad marriages, man, I think a lot men are really shitty, and I think they create a bad environment where their wife is always having to nag them to do shit because they don't fucking do anything or they're assholes, and so they go, oh, man, man, wife is gone, blah, blah, blah, and like, I think it's, I would put the slider more on more real than not, but agree, I, that maybe there's a certain amount of like puffery in terms of like trying to get along with the dudes.

0:17:55 Eli: Let me take this a step even further. And I know I've said this before, but I stand by it. I don't think people really started loving each other the way that we think of love until like 1985, right? Right? Michael Carmichael's got that great joke where he's like, your grandparents didn't love each other. At best, your grandfather.

0:18:31 Tom: Shall I compare thee to a summer's day? Nah, that's

0:18:38 Eli: Exactly right. He wrote, now to be fair, Tom, he did write that about not his wife.

0:18:39 Thomas: Yeah, sorry,

0:18:44 Tom: True, that is true, but you can't deny that it's a love poem. Like, I'm not saying

0:18:47 Eli: It is a love poem. It's true. But I just think that most people, most marriages of people, I'm gonna say 35 and up, were just like, uh, it'll be fun, like, it'll be the way you feel about your, I

0:18:48 Tom: Yeah, yeah, yeah, five,

0:19:01 Thomas: What, 35? And what are you fucking talking about, when do you think, we were born, when do you think Tom was born, give me a year, give me a year, right now, no, that, I was born, I thought the joke was gonna be, you're gonna say like 1953, because that's the I Tom's first marriage was probably in 1989, but like still,

0:19:06 Eli: Didn't I 19, 1987,

0:19:22 Tom: Oh, my, God, I'm I

0:19:19 Eli: 1800, wooden, horses and buggies, yeah, and his parents' marriage, 1989, right, it's these, it, these pre-raphaelite marriages, they just, it was just like, look, you and I are from the same hometown, and other people have paired up, let's pair up quick before we get stuck with the murderer and the seamstress, we've only got two choices at this point, there there's Stabby Lou and there's Bejeefinous, and let's, let's get out of the, the way, let's get it, I

0:19:28 Tom: Feel

0:19:30 Thomas: Yeah, what,

0:19:36 Tom: Like, marriages, Jesus,

0:19:57 Thomas: Totally, I do agree with the overall point, um, what do you think, Eli, do you think that more bullshit when people are trash-talking, there, or, well, we'll say men, I guess, are trash-talking their wives, or do you thing it's because men suck and everybody has a shitty marriage, where are you on that spectrum, yeah?

0:19:57 Tom: Christ. Right.

0:20:10 Eli: Think it's that men suck and they have a shitty marriage, but, but I want to give credit to Tom's theory, because the other thing that comes up, and I know this because I have a big friend group who I'm very close to, there is a weird, are you fucking your fishing buddy subtext, that you can eliminate when you say you're getting away from your wife, you can, because you'll be like, so I'm gonna go spend two days on a lake with my friend Fred, and it's like, like, oh, my God, that's lovely, when did you guys get together? It's like, no, no, let me explain, it's because I hate my wife. And you would think that would make it more gay, but it does not. It actually makes it less gay.

0:20:43 Thomas: Because loving

0:20:27 Tom: Right. Yeah. Like it's, it's so telling about masculinity that men. Take it from a different angle, right? Like, so you

0:20:54 Eli: No, you're not supposed to do that, Tom. That's why you go fishing.

0:20:57 Tom: Take it from any angle you want on that boat, but you'll rock the thing right into the water that it form the receiver of that information rather than the provider of that. Why do other men want this performance or sort of request or accept this performance of masculinity from other men as the acceptable way for them to be comfortable with male relationships right?

0:21:19 Thomas: Your wife is hella gay, that's why I know

0:21:21 Eli: It's gay. It's super gay.

0:21:21 Tom: That's what I'm talking about, that is. But you're, the thing is, like, that's fucking, that's insane, like that's the performance men expect from men. Oh,

0:21:28 Thomas: It is oh, the thing, we should do a whole show or a bonus content on, on the stuff that like asshole misogynists say is gay online. Like, it's so funny because so much of it ends up being like literally having sex with a woman just, but like doing it missionary or something. There'd be some, some way that like, oh, that's gay. And it's like really the actual act of having heterosexual.

0:21:37 Tom: We should

0:21:49 Thomas: Yeah.

0:21:45 Tom: You her cum, that's gay.

0:21:51 Thomas: With a woman is gay somehow. It's weird. It, it is a weird masculinity thing. I don't know what, what the fuck that is. Like what, why, why so

0:21:59 Eli: Friend. This is my favorite example of that gay panic. I think about it all the time. I had an coworker at Toys R Us once who was, like, talking about her boyfriend, friend, and she was like, "Yeah, you know, he wouldn't kiss me because I had blown him that night," and I was like, "What?" And she was like, "Yeah, if I blow him, he won't kiss me for 24 hours." Yeah.

0:22:18 Tom: Wait, so if you get a BJ at 3 p.m. and she wants to kiss at 2:58 the next day, you're like, "Nah, man, we still got two minutes on that BJ clock." So

0:22:27 Eli: Yep

0:22:25 Thomas: Yeah. Yeah. You hear like a timer. Okay. Finally come here. Here we go. We got, that

0:22:28 Tom: Oh, yeah. All

0:22:27 Eli: And and what I, yeah, and

0:22:31 Tom: Of my jizz is probably out of your mouth at this point, so you know, we can get, what the fuck, What, what?

0:22:35 Eli: What? I thought about when she shared that, first of all, I think about it 10 times a day, but also what I thought about is this guy who is so crazy dedicated to not being, ain't gay, I've never been more sure someone's gay because the, I was like, dude, if the, if this faintest whiff of cum is gonna drive you into some kind of Lucky Charms -esque fervor for cum, yeah, he's he's feeding a gremlin after midnight, he's just like, and

0:22:36 Thomas: Is so funny. Yeah. That's the best. Yeah. Yeah, exactly.

0:22:57 Thomas: Of your own come to, do you have, does he like, if does he looks in the mirror when he's, you or something, I'll fuck I'm gay now. Cause myself I've what? Yeah. Yeah, and that was the movie. If you feed them after midnight or if you drip cum on them accidentally, I'm pretty sure that's how gremlins went. Then they all turned gay. I don't know. It's been a long time.

0:23:16 Eli: I think that, I think that this, like, fear of talking about the nice thing, I'm not talking about intimacy because, because there's obviously reasons why you don't talk about like your sex life or stuff like that. But like, have you ever asked a fellow guy, like, "Oh, what'd you do on your date night?" And seen him, like, in horror, try to figure out how to appropriately describe, like, dinner and drinks? You're like, "Well, first we went to the steakhouse, and I fucking, there was this guy, punched him in the fucking throat." Because let's be clear, I like to think that I have fairly healthy masculinity. But if you were like, hey, describe your last date night with Anna, I'd be like, that sounds gay, I don't wanna.

0:23:43 Thomas: Yeah. Well,

0:23:53 Eli: Beat Up a homeless guy and then we drove a monster truck over his corpse and then we ate it.

0:23:53 Thomas: Went to the hardware store. Ate at a nice restaurant, but it's because I saw a guy I wanted to fucking beat up. That's the only reason.

0:24:04 Tom: So I that Speaks to that. 'Cause I thought this happened last time I was getting a haircut too. So I was in there and like the shop has four barbers and obviously like they're and they're busy all day, so every every chair is booked, so there's at least eight people, sometimes there's like people waiting, but it's all dudes, so you're in a space with like I

0:24:22 Thomas: Fucking guy spends all day in barbershop. How often are you going to the goddamn barber? Jesus.

0:24:25 Tom: Just every two weeks, every two week's like clockwork, I can't look this beautiful without it, but like there's least eight to twelve dudes, and the one guy, last time I forgot about this until you just said it, like the one who's there was like making fun, he's like, oh my God, like my girl, like Jenny or whatever, like she just texted me, like, do you miss me or whatever. And he's like, oh yeah, I gotta, I don't know, I gotta tell her I miss her. And like, they were all kind of, they Were all like laughing about this. And I thought like, Don'T leave the room without giving my wife a goodbye kiss. Like I'm very comfortable with that.

0:24:48 Thomas: So You met, Heath at the barbershop, huh, that's interesting bit of a commute for him, but yeah that's the weirdest thing

0:24:59 Tom: Right. I know. But like, I will text my wife in the middle of the day. I'll text my wife from the basement in the Middle of the Day, every once in a while, like, Hey, miss you. I haven't seen you all day, you like, we're supposed to be uncomfortable with that, but that's me like loving a woman. That's me being like, yes, I love my wife very much.

0:24:59 Thomas: I don't understand yeah weirdest thing yeah I haven't had sex with a woman, I don't know what that's like, yeah and the only other acceptable man way to do it is to make it like, oh well, I'm just completely a psychopath who's doing this to get laid, like that's the only other exceptable, well Oh yeah, I told, oh, I miss her just because, you know, I'm going to get lucky tonight, you know, like, or you just, you don't, yeah.

0:25:18 Tom: Right. Everybody in the shop laughed about that.

0:25:30 Eli: Right. Hey. Hey. Oh.

0:25:29 Tom: Right. And I said to my guy, I was like, I text my wife all the time. Like, I was just like, like, 'cause my guy and I have a, like, we have a good relationship and I'm just like whatever man. I text my wife all the time, like text her when I get to the like, what, what, yeah.

0:25:45 Thomas: So glad you're out there providing that good example. We got to do that to fucking turn this around. Seriously, like it takes, we need enough interactions where these people were, I want to ask somebody like, well, what, sorry, tell me what's gay about that and what would be bad if it was gay anyway? Like, well give me, riddle me that answer. I would love to dothat if I get in that situation. It doesn't happen that often because, you and stuff, but still, Yeah, one of the things I do struggle with is speaking up in in, situation, like I'll speak up in a situation where it's somebody I know a little bit or somebody I care about, or it's a one-on-one situation. But when I'm in a locker room, that's where I'm, I'm, it's kind of tough, it's

0:26:06 Tom: You're not at the barbershop enough yeah

0:26:23 Thomas: Kind of tough to speak up again, and I'm not talking about specifically the the partner stuff, because like if somebody says they hate their wife or whatever, I just, okay, that sucks for you, like, I mean I could be like, I love my wife, I might actually, I might do that, but that, that's not as hard as the like, when, when in that all-male situation and someone starts, you know, objectifying or being misogynist in a certain way, that's like, that's a lot harder to call out, for personally in that situation I struggle with that a little bit because it's, that's scary.

0:26:24 Tom: Yep

0:26:48 Thomas: It's like I'm in a room full of asshole dudes that I have to have some relationship with going forward, right?

0:26:48 Eli: There's There's And you've got, a and you're gonna grind the room to a screeching halt, right?

0:27:00 Thomas: Well.

0:27:00 Eli: And it's, and you're right, right, you absolutely 100 in the right, everyone knows you're in the right, because he's like, so I'm fucking her, right, and she's like, oh no, I'm being eaten by piranhas, and I'm like, I'm not stopping for nothing, and you're like, wow, you really should have stopped, that sounds awful, and everyone, and everyone acts like you were like, I would love to suck your dick, man, like it's the crazy, everyone's just like, why?

0:27:22 Tom: Yep.

0:27:22 Eli: Would you say that, he was telling this super funny story about his girlfriend being eaten by piranhas and you really destroyed the mood, man, right?

0:27:30 Thomas: Yeah, and it's like, how many layers of like fucking third wave feminist theory would I have to get into, explain this, but you know, like one of them was, I, in a locker room, was just kind of objectifying one of the female hockey players in a way that I was just like, fuck me, I really want to go into a thing, it wasn't horrible, like it's the kind of thing that I think among men is totally really commonplace, but I just want to go into a spiel of like, man, how do you think that feels to be trying to play this sport, and you're already, there's only a couple women playing, and then you gotta, you know, imagine people are talking like this, but like if I were to do that in that goddamn room, Jesus Christ, I'm already unpopular enough as it is, I need Tom to do it because Tom is well liked and more popular, so Tom come do that for me, would you it's hard

0:28:08 Tom: Yeah, I like I still I still don't do it as often as I should, like there there there are many circumstances where you're like, you're gonna be the asshole who brought the room down, like everybody's having a like, in their mind they're having a light-hearted moment, that's the other thing, it's like they're having fun with each other and they're doing their fucking thing that they do to bond and like connect and to talk to each other and like have a fun, and then you're gonna be like, well you know, actually we should consider how that makes her feel, and then, and it's like all of a sudden they don't hear you, it's not like you've changed any hearts and minds in that moment, you just are like, okay, that guy's no fun to bring to parties, and that's how they're, that's how you're perceived, because you didn't perform the right way, like, you, you didn't do your like, it's, there's sort of this like tacit agreement that when we're all alone in this room, we're all going to agree that we're this certain way. And if you threaten

0:28:24 Thomas: Word yeah yeah that be shopping

0:29:00 Tom: That ecosystem like you're the asshole, you're not like really reaching in. The only way to reach in is to like connect with people on an individual level that works for me. But to try to do it in a group setting like

0:29:00 Thomas: Yeah yeah yeah

0:29:01 Eli: Or

0:29:11 Thomas: Well the very least, the bare minimum in my opinion, moral commitment is to not participate in it like you definitely but some dudes do, like I think some dudes due kind of play it up in order to get along, I will never do that, like I'm not going to participate in that for one minute and

0:29:17 Tom: Oh, yeah, I will never participate in that shit. Yeah

0:29:26 Eli: Let's hear me out though, yes and, too hard, right? So complain about your wife.

0:29:29 Tom: Let's do this, yeah, okay.

0:29:30 Eli: Yeah. Tell

0:29:30 Tom: Oh. Yeah, you know what, uh, you know, I gotta get rid of the old ball and change, the monogamy, to like fix shit around the house, going fishing next weekend.

0:29:37 Eli: Me about it, I wish, I more than anything I could kill my wife and hide her body, but so many people get caught, you know, and I just, I don't want to go to jail, but, oh, every day, every day I poison her a little bit, a little, just a little bit, and

0:29:51 Thomas: I'm actually worried I'm helping her build an immunity, so I'm wondering if I should stop doing that and just like wait, and then poison her more.

0:29:56 Eli: Right. Just do the big one, I, I try, I drive really fast, and I'm always, she's always in the most dangerous seat in the car, I try to load up the other seats with stuff, but you know there's only so much skidding into the ice you can do, yeah, yeah.

0:30:04 Thomas: Yeah I see what you're saying yeah so Yes and, too hard, got it, okay, I think there's a real risk that that goes wrong.

0:30:13 Tom: All of a sudden like he's texting you later, like, hey, Man, if you're serious, I got five thousand dollars, like what the fuck, yeah.

0:30:14 Thomas: Yeah. Like hey man, yeah Yeah.

0:30:20 Tom: Other thing that occurs to me too with like, of like bullshit, like talking with people, like bag on their marriage and bag on their wife. Like one of the things that just is true is like our self -talk matters. When we say things out loud, even if we are just engaging in the performance and I don't do it, but like, even if We're just engaging into performance of shitting on marriage or engaging in a performance for the audience of other men of like, take my wife, please ball and change shit. Right? Right. The more you say that, the more you re -internalize that same message. Like our self -talk makes a difference.

0:30:32 Thomas: Can

0:30:20 Eli: I

0:30:54 Thomas: Have so many stories that I would love to tell because they're kind of funny, but, and because of this dynamic, the, best way to tell them the funniest way to tell would be the like, I can, Lydia did this. Can you believe that my wife, you know, but like, I, I don't like, uh, I'll do it occasionally in the most careful way I can because I don't, I don't want to do that. Like for one, I'm an asshole and she doesn't get to have a podcast where she, she should start one, but she doesn't get to get to having a podcast called, uh, Thomas is fucking weirdo and here's what he does. And so I don't want to like be, that's unfair.

0:30:54 Tom: Yeah. Right.

0:31:26 Tom: That show would make a fortune, by the way.

0:31:27 Eli: Would listen to that pod. I was gonna say, in the instant that show drops, I'm listening, listening

0:31:30 Thomas: And okay. Are you serious? Cause I kind of need, uh. Some content right now.

0:31:35 Tom: Thomas is a weirdo and

0:31:37 Thomas: Maybe I should, uh should

0:31:37 Tom: Here's the kind of shit. Yeah, a

0:31:36 Eli: Hey, Thomas Is a weirdo absolutely 100

0:31:38 Tom: Thousand percent.

0:31:39 Thomas: I market this? Yeah. Yeah. And like, also I don't want to give the impression that that I'm complaining about her overall or big picture, but it's hard because my, you shtick and the things that I find funny is complaining about things that aren't a big deal in an overdramatic way. I find that funny. And like, that's a lot of my, that's a lot of my shticks, but I, I, have to pick my moans because I don't, I don't want to give the impression to anybody that I have this attitude toward Lydia at all. Because I don't.

0:31:39 Eli: Yeah. Yeah.

0:31:56 Tom: Right.

0:32:05 Eli: No, I I feel that I'm, I am entirely humorless when it comes to Anna, um, which is really weird because all me and my friends do, and you guys know this because you are my friends, is roast each other. So there's always like this weird gap in speech that comes up for me where I'll be, where I'll be like, I'll be like, oh, and they're here, here's my buddy Rachel, she's a stupid piece of shit, I hope she gets eaten by bears. And then, oh, Heath, you, you're gonna die lonely, alone on the floor while someone's fucking your mom. And here's my lovely wife, Anna, hello darling, it's good to see you. Anyways, Noah's teeth fell out like an old coyote. And it's just, it's it's super disruptive. And there have been a couple of times in my life where friends who are just like, we're in roast mode, have been like, "And Anna," and I'm like, "Hey, shut the fuck up." And they're like, "Oh."

0:32:49 Thomas: But having said all that, I was telling this ADHD story before the show. Do you guys want me to tell, but I'm worried. It's exactly this thing where I don't t.

0:32:50 Eli: No. Show everyone how much you hate

0:33:00 Thomas: I can tell it, but no, I think it is a positive thing. I will tell you. So I was realizing, and again, Again, this is

0:33:00 Eli: Your wife Thomas. I... Thomas, you go first, you say what you like least about your wife, and then we'll all tell you we're going to go next, but then refuse to, and that's the end of the podcast.

0:33:08 Thomas: No,

0:33:16 Tom: Edit your way around that.

0:33:18 Thomas: I'm realizing more and more with this ADHD thing, and I know it's fucking annoying because everybody's got it, and everybody's, but like, for real, like I definitely have it, and it's it's putting a lens on things. Oh, and by the way, update, I think I've got the Kaiser diagnosis. I know a lot of people were asking about that.

It, I got a message saying like, "Hey, looks like you have it." And then they're like, "But you also maybe have to jump through one more hoop." And so guess what happens, somebody keeps calling me, and I don't answer my phone because I'm a human fucking being, or I'm busy, or whatever, like I'm never gonna answer my phone unless I happen to like be staring right at it when it silently goes off.

And so they keep leaving a message that's like, "Hey, I'm trying to book an appointment for you related to this," and then I call them back and it doesn't work because that's how every fucking institution is now, like they can't have a number, there can't be a phone number where you can instantly access a person because then fucking the whole system will collapse, you know, like of robots and shit and gatekeepers that they've automated, you know. So I may just never get the diagnosis, we'll see.

But anyway, point is, this lens is really making sense, like, about a little bit, and has definitely been a source of, you know, conflict somewhat is, I just tend to be the person, I've admitted it on the show, I'm the person in the relationship who for some reason has just more things that bother me, and I'm, think some amount of it is I fucking suck, I'm a piece of shit, tune into Lydia's podcast, patreon.com/thomasfuckingsucks, for the new show.

But like, I think I'm realizing a latest example, here's one thing that really fucking bothers me, for no, for no reason, and I admit that this is, I won't say no reason, but like, I admit that this is not a thing where I'm like, I'm not saying that you should, you, me seriously on this, I'm saying please do this for me.

I have sunglasses, in a pair of sunglasses in each of the cars, and they are the car sunglasses, and they're there because they are there when I need them. They're there for driving. Or if we go somewhere that needs sunglasses, then they're already in the car. That's my system. They stay in the car, they don't leave the car. Sometimes, sometimes I'm in the cart and I reached for my trusty sunglasses that are the car's sunglasses, and they, they are not there.

And I proceed to feel mentally as though someone has murdered my entire family. I cannot describe how angry this makes me. Seriously, I get so fucking mad about it. And what will have happened is my darling, lovely wife, who's selfless in every way and is amazing at everything, has bold as to use my sunglasses. Fine, I don't have a problem with her using them.

And then she thoughtlessly or absentmindedly or whatever puts them in her, her purse, carries them somewhere, and I don't fucking ever see them again, or whatever. Some point she remembers she has them. And this is, I cannot tell you again, I wish I was making this up. I like my, I get so mad about this. Like I'm drafting divorce papers in my mind.

And then for, for two seconds, again, the same way that I'm mad at my baby for screaming for two seconds, and I'm like, "Okay, be reasonable," but it's hard. And, had a number of times where I've been like, hey, I'm like, you could see like my vein is popping out of my forehead as I'm trying so hard not to be an asshole about it. Hey, I have these sunglasses, they weren't in the place where I put it. And I've

0:36:26 Thomas: Wondered like, what is this about me? Is it like, part of me is like, is it a spectrum thing? No, it's, I think it's because I'm so fucking ADHD. If I don't precisely put things exactly where I need them, I'll never fucking remember in a billion years. Do people leave their house and think like, oh, I'll need a pair of sunglasses, and then I will never, there's too many of those things, I can remember four out of ten of them, like I'll remember like, oh my, you know, don't leave my dick out, like put on pants, okay, I got that one, that's, I remember that one

0:36:25 Eli: And

0:36:56 Thomas: Pretty much all the time.

0:36:57 Eli: That it, that's all Thomas can remember

0:36:57 Thomas: Yeah. Oh. Oh.

0:36:58 Tom: That's it.

0:36:58 Thomas: I, I love drinking water all the time, so I always remember, well, no, not always, I'll, I'll usually remember my water bottle. Oh, I need my wallet. Oh, that's an, I'll put on shoot. Like I, can't get a hundred percent on that test ever. I can get 80% at best. So what I do is I come up with all these little systems. I have all these systems of, all right, this will always be here and this will always be hier, and, and it's literally the only fucking way I can function. I've never thought about it until now. I thought it was just like, oh, I'm a particular person. Like I literally thought, but like, no, it's how I cope. And when I, is in my system that I specifically have so that I don't fucking cease to function, and another agent of the universe of the planet Earth messes with it, I, I get so upset. And Lydia, finally, so this happened. This happened for.

0:37:45 Eli: That doesn't sound on the spectrum at all, Thomas that sounds like a normal, Chill brain.

0:37:48 Tom: No, no.

0:37:51 Eli: Thing. To do.

0:37:49 Thomas: No, There's there's overlap with these things. Things. And so it for the, for the 10th time. And I was like, Hey, where are the glasses? Where are the sunglasses? My car sunglasses. And Lydia, to her credit is like, I did it. I did it again. I'm like, okay, I'm she said to her credit, she's like, you know what? I can't be trusted. I am not going to do that anymore. I was saying, Oh, really? Oh, okay. I Was trying not to be too, you Know, too.

Oh, that'd be well, well, really, you're going to, yeah, I can't be trusted. I'm not, I know it's, and I had to have the thing where it's like, almost this in our how to argue episode a little bit, because fully recognize that this is a stupid fucking thing that I'm an idiot. And, and it is completely reasonable for my wife to use my sunglasses and put them somewhere. That's not a crime.

She she also, I think, should realize that this ist something that's very important to me. And I think that it's important, an important give and take in a relationship to realize those things like, okay, yeah, this is, you know, this is something I don't care about, but it's really

0:37:56 Eli: A circle.

0:38:48 Tom: Yeah.

0:38:48 Thomas: Important to my partner. So because I love my partner, I'm going to try to make it happen. And, uh, I think that's an important lesson.

0:38:49 Tom: Yeah.

0:38:55 Eli: I always give away the game by accident, which is like, when I'm mad about it, first of all, I'm terrible at pretending not to be mad, so Anna instantly sees through it because I instantly turn into like a therapist doing karate hands. Yeah.

0:39:05 Thomas: You get so fake sounding. Yeah.

0:39:07 Eli: I get so fake sounding and she hates that. That is the thing that actually makes her- all that aside, one of the things, one of my big giveaways lately is when I am right about something that has to do with Max, and she is wrong. I don't, in my head I'm like, how do I sound like I'm not instructing someone, right? Because I never want to be like, I'll tell my wife what to do, that sounds horrible. So I'll always say like, look, I'm not the boss, but what that means, what we have realized that means is, god, I wish I were the boss.

0:39:07 Thomas: I've heard it.

0:39:32 Thomas: Yeah.

0:39:32 Eli: I wish I was- I was the boss, so that there wasn't this like, are we gonna talk about it thing. So that's- that's my big- look, I've got the boss, like, maybe Max doesn't drive the car. If you're- if you want him to drive the car, like, maybe he doesn't take the wheel.

0:39:47 Tom: Got like Hayley's got like real-real specific, like she's like got real specific issues like with food. Like her food is incredible. Like if she orders something from takeout and they deliver her takeout, it is not the way she ordered it- cry, like she will straight up like, it will be upsetting. Like, it is upsetting.

0:40:03 Thomas: Jesus. Wow.

0:40:06 Tom: Like her food- she's unflappable on so many other things, but like food is like a massively big deal for, for her. And part of it is because, like, I think, you, has like some choice anxiety around food, and she's like, got like some, like, lactose issues. So like, if they make mistakes, certain mistakes can't be unmade, but

0:40:11 Thomas: Huh.

0:40:24 Thomas: According to Eli, she's also on the spectrum because anything abnormal, that means you're on the spectrum.

0:40:26 Eli: Yeah.

0:40:27 Tom: Anything. Yeah.

0:40:28 Thomas: So, yeah,

0:40:28 Tom: Right. Thenchel, but solely will order something, for example, and if it comes back and it's not just the way she ordered it- she's been looking forward to it for however long it took to get here, right? So this is like what I've come to understand- all that with me, the food's in front of me, I'm not even- so I also, I'm like, I didn't check to make sure that was mine. I'm halfway done with it, like I don't care, like I'm hungry, that's why I'm eating

0:40:47 Thomas: You just ate someone's garage door opener. You're like, oh, was that mine? Oh,

0:40:50 Eli: What am I gonna do

0:40:50 Tom: Right like I like good food, don't get me wrong, like I like good food, but I'm willing to eat real far down that spectrum if I'm hungry, like

0:41:00 Thomas: Yeah. That's my not to derail you, but that's mine. There isn't a dichotomy between likes fine dining and likes everything else. You know how we want to start a positive masculinity. This is also my cause. I think that food is a fucking, the food ranges from an 11 out of 10 to a 9.7 out of 10 and Taco Bell is 11.

0:41:20 Thomas: And then other things like fine dining can be like a 10. They're both good. You don't have to be like, oh, you're eating Taco. Yeah, food's fucking amazing. Have you had it? It's fucking great.

0:41:29 Tom: But like, will say like, Thomas, I will eat food that I don't like. And Haley would be like, you don't Like that. And I'll be like but I'm hungry. Like it should be like that's a little burnt. I'll Be like, Yeah, but I can still chew it. Like, it's fine. You don't understand. I'm Hungry like that. I'm going to solve that problem and get enjoyment second.

0:41:35 Thomas: Yeah, yeah, it's fine for sure. Sure. Talking to someone who drank a whole gallon of vinegar, the other story.

0:41:50 Tom: All right. So I've come to understand it, like, same thing as you, like, what you're describing, like, come to understand, like, it might not be important to me, but it's like this shit is real important. Like, I am very flexible on, like, the food stuff. Like, oh, the food's wrong, but all right, well, what, like, that doesn't even phase me. I don't care at all. Like, somebody brings me the wrong food, I'm like, well, I get to try something new today. Like, I don't give a fuck, but I've come to recognize, like, no, no, no, like, and and I don't want it the same thing. Like, I, we shouldn't be dismissive because it's not important to us.

0:42:12 Eli: Oh, God. Say.

0:42:19 Tom: You

0:41:59 Thomas: Yeah. Yeah. Right. And you have a choice to make. You and Lydia, and anyone in this situation, you have choice to Make, Tom. You could come on here, or Lydia could come on here and be like, okay, listen to this, and on the podcast, tune in, patreon.com/ThomasSucks, and Lydia talks about it. She could come on and be, like, listen.

0:42:34 Eli: It loud and proud, man. You're gonna make a ton of money off that show.

0:42:36 Thomas: That's true. You're right. I need it, actually. So, yeah, I'm gonna fucking, um, so demeaning, I gotta, I've gotta participate in it, uh, I have to edit it and stuff, make sure she sounds good, yeah.

0:42:39 Eli: You probably set up an only fans. Yeah. It

0:42:48 Thomas: But, um she'd come on here, where it's, and she could be like, listen to this fucking asshole, all you do is sunglass, he cares about his, like, you could do that, or you get on here and be like my wife is such a stuck -up whatever, entitled whatever, that if she, or, you can make the choice that like, like, all right, there's probably a reason. And look, obviously everything, there is a line. If you have a partner that's truly a nightmare about everything, then that might be, you know, you might have to make a different choice. But you could make that choice to talk shit on your partner and present them in a bad way for some reason because

0:42:49 Eli: Was a great zinger, honey. I'm gonna keep that one.

0:43:04 Tom: Right. Yep.

0:43:21 Thomas: Like, I don't know, that's cool socially or something. I don't know why people do that. Or you can take it on board and be like, all right. Yeah, it's kind of weird. But, you now, I'm weird too. And everyone's weird. And this is a thing that's important to them. So, let's be understanding and make it work.

0:43:35 Eli: And a great partner supports you in those ways. Like, Tom reorders the food for Hayley. Make, make sure it's right. And Lydia supports you. She's like, oh, you know what? I'm not going to take these sunglasses anymore. In my case, like, when someone breaks social code, I'm like, oh, all rules are off. I get to say cunt. Um, and that is not, I don't know if you guys know that, it's not true. That's not truth at all. So Anna's really good at being like, hey, stop, stop. She does like a, hey, you gotta stop. Especially if, like, someone will be like a little mean in a public scenario, they'd be like, I was here. And I'm like, oh, I'm sorry about that. And they'll be like, yeah, and I'll be like, fuck you, I hope your dad dies. And you gotta, you need a partner who is like, oh, he's gonna do a crazy thing, here's me distracting you from a crazy day. These things, these things support each other. They do, they support each another well. I'm

0:44:19 Tom: So I want to, I want to finish up by, because, Thomas, you said, like, I don't know how we, like, fix this, us in the beginning, like, I don't know how we fix this. Yeah.

0:44:27 Thomas: Yeah, what? The Cause Is Yeah, what's, yeah.

0:44:30 Tom: And and so, like, it this occurs to me as a note I have written down, and that, and I know I've said this before, but I just, I feel like this is like the answer to most of this shit, but, and it seems really silly, but, like, you want to be in love with your spouse, you have to behave in loving ways. You cannot be in love was somebody, somebody that you talk about negatively and that you behave around, even when they're not there, negatively. Like, you want to have a healthy, happy, loving relationship with your spouse, you have, you have to recognize that, like, the only way you can have that is to eliminate negative talk about that person. It doesn't mean you can't go to your friends for advice. You can say, like, I had a fight, I don't know what to do. That's different than negative talk. You, we, we have to behave in loving ways. If we want to be in love, it is impossible. Like, the cognitive dissonance that will arise will not, you won't be able to overcome it. You cannot, nobody can

0:45:09 Thomas: Yeah.

0:45:25 Thomas: Well, I think a lot of people are just too selfish, to be honest. I thinka lot ofpeople have the attitude that, no, if, the if this partner was perfect, then I would feel amazing all the time, and it would be easy. Like, I wouldn't have to do anything in order to be in love because they'd be perfect, like, they'd be awesome.

0:45:41 Tom: Right. Yeah.

0:45:41 Thomas: And it's like no, no, it's a process, man. And what you just said, I think is really key too. It's not being unloving or being a bad partner to have issues with your partner. The unlovin thing is to not work on fixing it and instead talk shit about it. That's the unloven thing. The best thing is even if you have a problem with it, to find a way to work it out in sincere way.

0:45:51 Tom: No, not at all. Yeah, and I think like if you want to like it, like I've thought about this, like if You want to really make sure, like, if you're having these like negative thoughts, if it is a habit of yours, like if you're a listener, and you're embedded in that that sort of social masculine habit to do the shit talk thing. One of the things that you can do, you is to actively push against every time you're tempted to do that, even if it's only in your own head, you even if you don't want to do it, like in the locker room amongst all the guys, one never engage, but to anytime that happens, make it a point to think or say something really positive and loving about your spouse, like just like fight it by doing the opposite thing all the time. Like, like, if you're like a little annoyed, but you don't want to start a fight, like rub your wife's feet or give her a massage or something like be loving, like act lovingly to be in love.

0:46:50 Eli: Sorry, I

0:46:49 Thomas: Just picture Eli like crushing.

0:46:51 Eli: Said. Thank you, thank you, Tom. I was just picturing me being like, here's a little massage, that's for my sweet, sweet.

0:46:55 Thomas: Yeah, Does that stupid thing in movies where you like twist the guy's neck and they die instantly?

0:46:59 Tom: I'm No, I'm Just saying, like, if you want to be loved, behave lovingly. Like, you can't, you pretend that you can behave in these negative ways and still have a healthy relationship, or like, talk, I can't like talk shit about Haley to Eli and then pretend that that doesn't translate into how I actually will start to feel, even if I was just performing it, I'll start to feeling It eventually

0:47:02 Thomas: Yeah, yeah.

0:47:21 Thomas: For? Sure. He

0:47:21 Eli: Can I say? I've tried. I constantly try to go. I'm like, come on. Gentlemen. On say circumcision is painless, but I disagree. When I was circumcised, I couldn't walk for a year.

0:47:41 Thomas: Was circumcised at 15 though, so it's a weird joke, but like, yeah.

0:47:43 Tom: That was a little weird. Yeah.

0:47:42 Eli: Yeah, it's a weird, but it still makes sense.

0:47:50 Clip: Want to meet sexy DILFs in your area? Email the dads at DearOldDads.com or, better yet, send us a message on Patreon. You can follow us on all social media by checking the links in the show notes. And if you need more podcasts in your life, you can find Tom on Cognitive Dissonance, Thomas on Serious Inquiries Only, and Eli on Godawful Movies and all the Puzzle in the Thunderstorm shows. Dear Old Dads is edited and produced by my favorite DILF, Tom Smith, who also wrote and recorded the intro music, which is used with his permission. This podcast is a production of Daddy Issues LLC. Copyright 2022. All rights reserved.

0:48:28 Thomas: I don't know whose phone that is vibrating, but I think it's Tom's. Can you please killing me?

0:48:31 Tom: Mine's

0:48:31 Eli: Oh, It's mine. I I took care of it.

0:48:32 Tom: Not vibrating.

0:48:33 Eli: Sorry, that's mine.

0:48:33 Thomas: Oh, Okay. I apologize. Eli. I apologize,

0:48:34 Eli: Immediately.

0:48:33 Tom: No,

0:48:35 Thomas: Tom. I, I, I, I besmirched you.

0:48:36 Tom: Fine.

0:48:36 Eli: Blame the guy who sounds the most like a black guy.

0:48:41 Thomas: No, it's just that Tom has actual work.

0:48:42 Tom: What?

0:48:43 Thomas: So I figure he has to have a work phone that's like vibrating

0:48:43 Eli: You would think that, yeah, you would think that my absolutely useless, useless TikTok machine wouldn't need to be in the middle of our podcast.

0:48:46 Thomas: Yeah oh man