DOD38: A Very Scombert Christmas!

Transcript

This transcript was generated automatically and may contain errors — the audio is the record.

0:00:28 Tom: Dear Old Dads, the podcast that may or may not be changing its birthday. I'm Tom Curry. I am joined, as always, by Thomas Smith and Eli Bosnick. Good afternoon, gentlemen.

0:00:34 Thomas: Ha ha ha! Ho ho ho! Oh yeah,

0:00:41 Eli: No, we did a whole last episode, Thomas.

0:00:42 Thomas: You're right, sorry. I'm tired.

0:00:44 Eli: I raise said your hands if you had the same number of kids on this recording as you had on the last recording. Thomas, not so fast.

0:00:50 Thomas: That you know of. Delightful. A very scombered Christmas to you all! Good cheer, scombert and good cheer. Yes.

0:00:58 Tom: Very Scombert Christmas Hey, Congratulations, that's Uh, that's, that's awesome, that's

0:01:04 Thomas: Thank you! I'm sad no one was there to a toast Crunchwrap Supremes with me, you know, like back when they used to do the, I don't have any interest in cigars. We can talk about that sometime for a masculinity one. Gosh, I try to do cigar. Eli, have you ever smoked a cigar?

0:01:11 Eli: Have

0:01:12 Tom: What,

0:01:20 Eli: Not heard my cigar story?

0:01:22 Tom: You've Got A cigar story. Is It. Clinton -esque, Did

0:01:23 Eli: This... I'm going to derail us from your son's birth.

0:01:22 Thomas: No, that's fine. I don't, I don't think we can fill a whole show with just my son's birth. So that's Fine.

0:01:30 Eli: It's It's Pretty Clinton-esque, so I'm like, oh, You

0:01:34 Thomas: Do we want to hear it then?

0:01:36 Eli: Want

0:01:37 Tom: You say, is the dress Saved Or not saved. What? But OK, well, I'll let you talk.

0:01:38 Eli: To Hear it,

0:01:40 Thomas: So then I Stuck The cigar up my ass And oh,

0:01:42 Eli: Pretty Much

0:01:43 Tom: Who knew Eli had interns? That's the surprising part. That's

0:01:47 Eli: So am, like, 19, 20 years old. I am in college. One of my teachers finds out I do magic and he is like, hey, I do this event for this very, very fancy private school every year, it pays amazingly, would you like $2,000? Now, I don't know about you guys, when you were 19, but Two thousand dollars when I Was infinite

0:02:07 Tom: That's me now. What are you kidding me?

0:02:10 Eli: Money, right,

0:02:11 Thomas: That That is infinite money, if

0:02:12 Eli: Yeah, whatever he said next, I was like, yes. He

0:02:14 Thomas: If He had said $150, I would have been like, oh my God, Are you? Who, Who

0:02:17 Tom: Yeah, I literally

0:02:17 Eli: I Would have Been like, this Is, yeah,

0:02:18 Tom: Sold my

0:02:19 Thomas: Am I Doing this for fucking Uh, Bill Gates, like, what are you talking about, $150,000 to

0:02:19 Tom: Blood plasma. Right. I sold my bloody blood plasma for forty dollars a month or something like that. A hundred two thousand dollars. Yeah, right.

0:02:28 Thomas: Just A Guy on The

0:02:24 Eli: I'm In In So Like, look what this private school does, and I won't name the school because I'm sure they're not gonna love this story. Uh, what this privat School does is they do a knighting ceremony for the kids, this school is actually based on an order of knights that came over from England, they're based in America now, when the kids go from middle to high school, they go through this knighting testimony where they take the code of honors, which is fucking weird, but this was my fight choreography teacher, he was like, I get guys dressed up as knights, they do like a joust in front of the kids, I was like, a fucking joust?

How big is this school? Spoiler alert, it's fucking huge, that's Why I could do a Joust in Their gym, so they do this joust, and he's like, and maybe you could do some magic, and I was like, dude, I will suck off every child, they, as they exit, They can Use me like the boy in the barrel, but they, but they, I wasike sure, yeah, I'll do some magic. So I get a jester costume and I go, and I did, I was like what's, oh, cups and balls, the oldest, this trick made

0:02:38 Thomas: Oh, Wow, Yep,

0:03:05 Tom: Good Lord. This is.

0:03:27 Eli: Famous in medieval times, so I do the trick, uh, so I go to the school, I'm in magister costume, I do it for the kids, and I have to say, these kids, because they go to this crazy private school, are the best behaved audience of children I've ever seen, usually when you do magic for children, you walk on stage and they're just like, I will tear the throat from your Body and Eat it To keep me alive. These kids were perfectly quiet, laughed at the right moments, clapped at the the right moments, it was great. But I kill, right? I do really well. Uh, the headmaster of this cult, I mean school, comes Up to me after my performance, and he's like, hey, um, Eli, right? This is your first year, uh, come join me in my office. And I'm like, I'm gonna come join this guy in the office, this Is fucking Great.

0:03:48 Thomas: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Are You Still In The gesture

0:04:10 Eli: I Am still in The Jester costume, yep.

0:04:10 Thomas: Costume by the way.

0:04:11 Tom: Yeah. Yeah, wait, real quick. Rewind. When you were cupping their balls, do they have to turn and cough? Or I don't know that trick.

0:04:18 Thomas: Yeah,

0:04:17 Eli: No, See, that's, they're paying me the $2,000 to not have to turn and cop.

0:04:22 Tom: Okay. All right. Fair.

0:04:23 Thomas: Can't Believe cupping the balls was only invented, you Don't think they were cupping the balls before medieval times, I bet Cavemen And women were Cuipping the Balls.

0:04:23 Tom: Yeah.

0:04:25 Eli: No, no, No. That's how you got the, that's how he got the orange play. You had to stay away from those. I'm, sat down, by the way, every time I move in this story, you have to imagine I jingle cause I am wearing bells. So like I sit sit down. And he, He opens a box of cigars on his desk and says, would you like a cigar there? Now I don't know what the fuck is, but this dude just paid me $2 ,000. I'm not going to be now. What I should have said obviously was no thanks. I don'T smoke. In fact, I've never smoked a cigar in my entire life. What? I did say was yes.

0:04:33 Tom: Like, right. We

0:04:40 Thomas: I Could

0:04:48 Tom: Right, Oh,

0:04:48 Thomas: Sure, Yeah, Cubans Or Something,

0:05:02 Eli: Now, let me save someone out there a really bad time. The way you're supposed to smoke a cigar is you let the rich tobacco fill your mouth and then you blow it out again. You do not inhale It like a joint, the only Thing I had smoked Up To that point, because if You do inhale cigar smoke, you will become it, so I I am hitting the cigar like it's a joint for, I'm going to say, 25 seconds before, you know that moment when you're about to throw up where your body goes, hey man, you got like 10 seconds before we throw up, whatever, we will

0:05:00 Tom: Man,

0:05:01 Thomas: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah,

0:05:16 Tom: Oh, No, Oh, Oh, Oh, No,

0:05:41 Eli: Throw up right here, we'll throw up while you're running, it's up to you. So I'm like, excuse me, jingle, jingle. Do you have a bathroom? And he's like, yeah, it is right there. And when I say he points to the closest possible door to him, he might as well have been sitting on the toilet in the bathroom that he's directing me to. So I go into his bathroom, and I'm like, I'm trying to throw up quietly. I'm, like, can you whisper vomit? Right, I'M TRYING TO FIGURE OUT HOW I'M GOING TO THROW UP WITHOUT THIS GUY HEARING IT THROUGH THIS PAPER-THIN DOOR. Luckily

0:06:15 Thomas: You're Like, okay, can I take a really loud shit at the same time?

0:06:16 Eli: Yeah, He said, oh boy, I sure hope no One finds out that every time I Shit, it sounds like I'm Vomiting.

0:06:21 Tom: No, I'm Not Throwing up, just Massive, massive diarrhea, it's okay, much Less embarrassing.

0:06:24 Eli: Oh, I I suffer from a disability where my butt sounds just like a mouth, I hope nobody mentions it, so

0:06:36 Tom: I have the opposite one.

0:06:38 Eli: My His phone rings, so his phone, phone rings. He answers it. I come out and I'm like, and he does the like, you can go, Chester. And I'm okay. So I'm walking out of the school and I am doing that walk that you do where you're like, I'm going to throw up, throw up. I just need to get out of the building. I make it out of building. All of these little nights are being loaded onto their bus. I may get down the stairs to where like that grading is that's in cities. And I vomit in front of all these churches, right?

0:06:39 Tom: Oh, my God.

0:07:09 Eli: I must've to look like a cartoon for all these children loading onto the bus. And then I run away in my jester costume. Jingle, jingle, jingle. The next

0:07:18 Thomas: Several, several unlit cigars came out of you. Like, I don't know, your stomach.

0:07:20 Eli: Right. For 100 percent. I

0:07:22 Thomas: Yeah.

0:07:22 Tom: You know, it turns out you're not supposed to chew and swallow them either. That's, yeah.

0:07:25 Eli: Next next year. I get hired again. I can't believe how I know nobody told told I know nobody told this headmaster, I'm feeling so lucky, so I go in and, like, no one's like, "It's the vomit guy," right? So I'm like, "Oh god, I got away with it," right. I come into my jester costume, I do the performance, this time the reaction's a little subdued, and I'm like, all right, well, you know, maybe I'm a little nervous, but I'm, I'm getting nothing out of these kids. And so I finished the trick and I'm like, "My lords." And this kid raises his hand and I am like, "Yes, my liege." And he goes, "Do the trick where you throw up again."

0:07:28 Tom: Wait, you get hired again? You must cup those balls just unbelievably well. Man.

0:07:33 Thomas: He cups a mean ball.

0:08:10 Tom: Okay,

0:08:10 Eli: And so that is my, right, I was exactly, that is my cigar story.

0:08:11 Tom: But first I'll need a cigar. Any volunteers?

0:08:12 Thomas: Yeah, yeah. So anyway, that, but instead of a cigar I've Oh man, cigars, they're a lot. Instead of a cigar, I need a just a nice, someone light me a crunch wrap, you know, and just in this, in the room, that's, is that what they used to do? The man just used to be in a room full of crunch wraps or cigars, you know, and they weren't any part of the birthing process.

0:08:20 Tom: I like a cigar once in a while.

0:08:35 Eli: Yep. Nope.

0:08:37 Thomas: Yeah.

0:08:37 Tom: Weren't allowed to be in a for long time. They weren't even, even if you wanted to be like men were considered like superfluous to the event, or it was like considered gauche to be there.

0:08:38 Thomas: Right right. Well, we're definitely superfluous. Yeah, no, that that would suck. I hate that. I'm glad, uh, you get to be there. So yeah, let's see a Scarborough Christmas. What do we want to, so Lydia had an appointment. Let's see. So Christmas was what Sunday? Was that a Sunday? What, what, what podcast is this?

0:09:00 Tom: Yeah.

0:09:01 Eli: Words are meaningless.

0:09:02 Thomas: Yeah. Uh, it was a Sunday. So the due date Scarborough due date, if you'll remember was the 23rd. So that would be, I don't know, Friday. And, uh. She still had an appointment for some reason. Oh, Oh, she had an appointment that got rescheduled because the doctor was not available and they reschedule it for like Thursday, the 22nd. It was like, that's kind of weird because you also have an appointment. I think you just get an appointment scheduled on your due date, you know, to just check in and see. So she had like on the books back to back appointments. I was like that's going to work, but she goes in Thursday and has a slightly high blood pressure rate reading. And so I'm recording opening arguments. And in between the first and the second episode we're recording, she tells me like, ah, we're going to induce. And I was like, oh, great. And because she had a slightly high blood pressure warning reading. And just pretend words I use are the right words, everybody, just for like the rest of My podcasting career. Rear you.

0:09:02 Tom: Yeah. Right. Oh,

0:09:30 Eli: Right.

0:10:00 Tom: We always do Thomas. Yeah.

0:10:04 Thomas: Don't mind doing that for 15 years, yeah.

0:10:04 Eli: Oh, great. Great, now the medical students who listen to our show for accurate information have to turn it off.

0:10:11 Thomas: There's somebody in an operating theater just like pushing stop on, oh gosh, guess we can't listen to it. Uh, yeah, the, but because it wasn't like an emergency, it was actually a really low, high, it was like, like, everything, somehow it's the lowest possible reading where they're like, we're still gonna make you do it, you know, if, if the, if number is supposed to be no more than 90, she was like 91 or something like that, you know, something and but because it's the day before due date, it's like, well, we're just going to do it because why not? Like he's, he's probably ready and the risk is preeclampsia and Lydia with Phoebe, we think we had a little preeclampsia because Phoebe was tiny. She was the tiniest little baby. They pulled her out, she was just a head and like a little bit of shoulders and there's no legs, I'll never, I'll never forget it, she just, it wasn't the bottom of her wasn't there, it was like, it was like a nightgown, like they were holding like the top, you know, like had a little bit and then it was just nothing and

0:10:35 Tom: Oh, my God.

0:11:08 Eli: That's a horrifying image. It's like a hell, that's accurate. You're saying it in kind of cutesy language and not like Lovecraftian horror, which is what I need.

0:11:11 Thomas: Well, I haven't even, have we not done, done birthing stories? I thought we did that. Did we not do that?

0:11:22 Tom: No,

0:11:21 Eli: No, this, you're our first birthing story.

0:11:23 Tom: No, this is this is a good opportunity for you to. Yeah.

0:11:24 Thomas: Oh shit. Oh, here I was going to reference stuff. Okay. Yeah. We can talk about that too. While we're talking about, Eli uh, getting cigars up his ass. Uh, well might as well. So it. Phoebe was very traumatic for me. Now I want to grading on a curve because all my children are so far intact and Lydia's intact and we've narrowly avoided C -section. So grading, grading on that curve, like lucky, privileged, very happy curve, was incredibly stressful because Lydia, what happened for Phoebe was, um, we thought Lydia's water broke and I, to this day, I still would swear it broke, but I don't know. Apparently you can like kind of lose the mucus plug maybe. And that's, this is, yeah, we were having, you know, a bit of a, bit of a fun night and we thought the water broke. We thought the water broke. It's the first baby. We have no idea what anything is, obviously, you know, and we're like, well, we'll go check. And while they're in there, I guess I'm really glad we did. I'm real, really glad Lydia's a squirter. Oh no, I shouldn't.

0:12:04 Tom: Yeah. Squirting is just pee. It's just it's just pee

0:12:16 Eli: Yeah.

0:12:25 Thomas: Nobody, nobody tell Lydia I said that. No, she listens.

0:12:26 Tom: Well, that's that's the end of Lydia's support of the show. That's great. That's man,

0:12:27 Thomas: Yeah. Yeah, I

0:12:28 Eli: Would you Oh, it's a good thing we've kept such and this is the episode Lydia's parents start with you know, what we

0:12:33 Tom: You know?

0:12:32 Thomas: Was going to say, I hope they're not listening.

0:12:36 Tom: What? Check out Dear Old Dads in the family section of iTunes.

0:12:41 Thomas: So because you know, examining her and they they're like, well, there's loads of cum in here, but there's no there's nothing else. And they're, like, Well, we think it's not the water breaking. You're just going to. And as she's mid -sentence, mid - Sentence, the number on the monitor goes down slightly. And she's like, so we're just gonna have you go home and call. We're doing it now. Like mid -Sentence because the baby's heart rate went down.

0:13:07 Thomas: And they're like, because Phoebe, this one was only, this woman was like five days. Phoebe was five days before her due date. So once, once they're full term, they're They're like, if anything's wrong, we're just going to get them out of there because There's no reason to risk it. And so that turned into an, that took forever because I think Lydia really wasn't ready to go or Phoebe wasn't ready to get out of that time. So that was a long, I don't know, 36 hour, you marathon of just like Pitocin and not really doing anything. And the only reason I bring it up is when, when it came to delivery, I, we were gonna have to have a c-section because, and I know, Eli, I think you have kind of a similar story, we're like obviously not wanting that because it's traumatic as hell. And side note, uh, I think a sign of the failure of education in our country is I thought a c-section was like the good outcome. Did, you, is anyone else like this as a dude? As

0:13:04 Tom: No, right, wait,

0:13:07 Eli: Right. Yeah,

0:13:56 Tom: What did

0:13:56 Thomas: A kid, I thought a C-section was like, oh, yeah, they just go get the baby out of you, then you're fine. It's like easy.

0:13:56 Tom: You? Well, wait a minute, oh, As a kid, I had no idea like what a major surgery it was, like I had no idea like, What a big difficult surgery it is to recover from, um, yeah,

0:14:03 Thomas: As a kid, yeah. Yeah. No, I was like, oh, yeah, they just get out a little pair of scissors, cut a little hole, baby's out, you're done. That's way better. You wouldn't want something coming out of your vagina. That would be horrible. You'd rather surgically have something pulled out. Holy shit, I know Eli can attest. It's

0:14:17 Tom: Oh,

0:14:24 Eli: Yeah, also say though that there's a lot of, like, don't get a C-section no matter what, bullshit. And I'm like, you shut the fuck these miracle doctors can pay big chungus to crack my wife open like Bane winning after the fucking long winter with Batman and put her back together again and lift my son out anyways.

0:14:29 Tom: There's so much bullshit. Did

0:14:29 Thomas: Mm -hmm. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. If you need a C -section, it's a miracle of science. Yeah. But it's not as a kid, as an idiot, I thought, oh, you'd rather, why don't you just tell them to do that? And I think they did for a while. They just were like, yeah, C -sections. And they did like, if a woman had had a C-section there, they just never let them do a vaginal birth again. And now they're finally being like, no, you can actually try to do that, which is good. But anyway, so we were trying to avoid that Because also my brother, brother's wife had a C -section. My brother told me probably a few too many details of how that went. And so I was horrified. I was like, I don't want to go through that. I'm not sure I could have been in the room for that. I think I would have just passed out or puked or they'd just been too nervous. You know, I don't want to see my wife's organs. Let's say I would like to go through our marriage never seeing her organs.

0:14:46 Eli: Yeah, but it sucks. Yeah, no, it's yeah, yeah, all

0:14:46 Tom: Well,

0:15:30 Eli: Right,

0:15:30 Thomas: Is that seems

0:15:31 Eli: Right? Weird, judgy. Some of us enjoyed watching our wife's organs. I'm sorry, I thought you said you cared about Lydia's heart. Some of us have held our wife's heart in their hands.

0:15:44 Thomas: So, uh, she's pushing, pushing, pushing, and they're getting to the point where, as every time, you know, she's, she, she is pushing every time, you're close to having the baby. Um, the baby gets squeezed, you cause obviously they're being pushed in down the birth canal and the heart rate goes down and we get to the point where the heart rate's going down and down and down and they are, they're like, we can't, there's only so much of this you can do.

And so they get out the vacuum do you know the vacuum No, the vacuum so the vacuum is literally a suction cup, like vacuum suction cup, that they stick to your baby's head up in there, and then they try to pull your baby out. And if you, it sounds, you know, like medical science should be more advanced than that. Uh, you're right, it does, it should, but, like, that's what they do. And so they start doing that, and they're yanking, they're just yanking. And it's so weird when you see, I'm, this is the last time it's happened, third and final baby, when you see a baby start to kind of come out, but then, like, oh, no, not quite yet, it's

0:15:53 Eli: Yeah. Uh, no.

0:15:54 Tom: Right, oh, yeah, the vacuum extractor. Yeah, uh -huh, yeah, nope, right,

0:16:42 Thomas: Like, never mind, going back up, you're like, what it was right there, yeah, like, how did, what, I almost, I gave it a high five, but it's back in there now. Okay, and they, um, are pulling, they're pulling, they'll, like, we can't, this is last one, like, literally they're like, this is is the last one we're doing, and then you're C-sectioning, and I'm just dying of anxiety, this is Phoebe again, a reminder, this is Phoebe's process, I'm like, I'm starting to get like dizzy, I, like, can't, I'm, this trying, like, you got to try it, they're like, we'll give you one more push, you can do one more because we can't, you know, squeeze Phoebe anymore in there because she's, her heart's like stopping, and they finally somehow Lydia pushes enough to get Phoebe out, and because they, they did this vacuum fucking extraction, Phoebe came out as a tube. It's

0:16:42 Eli: Yeah. Mm-hmm. Mm -mm. Yeah.

0:16:43 Tom: Back in, what? No, like a gopher just like, popping its head out.

0:17:27 Thomas: All, it was the most horrifying thing. Uh, head, you know, it's like Egyptian, whatever. What is that? What am I thinking of? Whatever that is.

0:17:33 Eli: Yeah, of course, the head -shaping things,

0:17:29 Tom: Yeah, yeah, like the Mayans that strap the boards to their skulls To flatten their

0:17:36 Eli: Yeah. Mm -hm, yeah, nobody

0:17:38 Thomas: Yeah. Whatever that thing is. I can't remember. It was that, but by like worse, it Was, it, as a shape that a skull should never be. You should never ever have to see your kid in that shape. It was awful. She was a tube. It was horrifying.

0:17:39 Tom: Yeah, Right. Yeah.

0:17:51 Eli: Should see their baby as a tube.

0:17:53 Thomas: No, there should never be a tube that's not a shape your baby should ever be. Of there. And because of that, she had neck issues and she could only sleep on one side like, you know, you're supposed to keep their heads, you know, mobile. Well, maybe you don't know this. Maybe it's only a warning to give you in this situation. They're like, well, don't let her sleep on on the same side over and over, she's sleeping on her back, but you know how they tuck their head because, um, for this reason, um, ears and and their skull shape, like skulles, their are still putting at that point, and so they form, it's like a mold, you know, it forms however they sleep or keep it. And so because Phoebe's neck was messed up, she couldn't turn her head to the other side, so she was constantly, even though again she's sleeping on her back, but she turns her head. And so that one, one of her ears is like, Phoebe, kind, if you're listening, sorry, but one of your ears is really misshapen and like messed up because of that, but

0:18:04 Eli: Yeah. Yeah. Of course.

0:18:12 Tom: I Never heard that before.

0:18:40 Tom: She's got wrestler's ears. She's just got that cauliflower ear. Just on one side. You gotta put her in headgear.

0:18:42 Thomas: Yeah. So Yeah, that's in the back of our minds for this one. Arlo, meanwhile, was apparently just perfect. Like, he came on his day, on his due date. Lydia's water broke, and this time we knew, like, this time for real, and love how Lydia is, she, uh, texted me, she went upstairs, her parents were over because it was the due date, so we're like getting ready, you know, for Arlo, man, and, uh, she goes upstairs to go to the bathroom, and I get a message that's like, "I think my water might have broken." I walk up, I go in the bathroom, it's flooded, like the entire, it's like four inches of water on the thing.

I'm like, yeah, I think it broke, I think maybe you're right, like it was, no, I had to like get a literal mop and bucket, it was just, it was crazy. And so that Arlo came, and, uh, you know, Lydia had the drugs, by the way, so, oh, that whole Phoebe thing was without drugs, I don't know why Lydia did that, or how, yeah, no, that was the worst, it was the worse, I'm not gonna say the real reason because I made up a better reason that I think I said before on the show, and that turned out to not be true. Uh, Lydia's reason was really dumb, so I'm not gonna say it, I'm just not gonna say what

0:19:18 Tom: That's what that is.

0:19:31 Eli: What? Why? Why?

0:19:32 Tom: Okay.

0:19:45 Eli: Oh.

0:19:45 Thomas: It is. She's gotten over it, though, because the last two babies were a spinal tap, whatever, thing.

0:19:50 Eli: Epidural.

0:19:50 Thomas: Yeah, that's it.

0:19:45 Tom: The

0:19:50 Eli: We got an epidural in the parking lot. We were like, "Hi, yeah, no, we're here for the epidural, and also the baby delivery, but mostly the epidurals oh,

0:19:51 Thomas: Yep. You're like, "Which one of us do you, do do you, oh, her?" Okay, just, just her or and So Arlo was just fucking, in retrospect, perfect. Came, by the way, when we were delivering Phoebe and had that vacuum birth, one of the assholes in there was like, "You're, like, you're going to have to do C-section the next kid." And so for all of Arlo's pregnancy, I'm like, fuck, we're gonna have to use C-sections. She said the person in the delivery room said, "We're never going to worry, we're going to have to do a C-section." And then we get to the Arlo one, and I'm just, just nervous, you, I'm like, ah, God, I am waiting for them to say C-section. And as we're getting close to going, like, it's close to push time, you know, they just woke us up and we're like, time to have the baby, 'cause that's when the drugs, it's easy, actually. It's

0:20:02 Eli: I would have loved to deliver.

0:20:39 Thomas: Not that easy, but it's compared to Phoebe. It is, it's easy. Um, they're just woke up and like, time to have a baby, and we're, we're like, wow, that's crazy. And so I'm like, wait, she's going to be able to just have the baby, we're not doing a C-section? They're like, no, we're not, what are you talking about? I was like, oh, the last doctor told us we'd have to do a C-section. She's like, what? No, would someone say that? I'm just like, yeah, why would someone say that, god damn it, it's been two years or whatever it was. Yeah, right.

0:20:58 Tom: We That's it, that's all so crazy, because if you have to have a c section then they would have scheduled a C- action. Like, if you, if you absolutely medically know that you're having a c session they schedule it, they don't make you go into labor just to like endure a little bit of labor pain first, for no reason. That would be a fucking, you would have like the most sadistic doctor ever, that would be like, "Okay, you're also gonna have to wear this ball gag, that's just for me, I just want to see," yeah.

0:21:24 Eli: We want you to fight one of our nurses. Just a little, just a little bit, Fight Club. Our nurses, but but

0:21:28 Tom: You're gonna, you're definitely gonna have a c -section but it's gonna be a surprise C-section with like an appetizer of labor pain. That's what we're doing here. Here at the hospital.

0:21:39 Thomas: Yeah.

0:21:39 Eli: Can we pause, though, to just take a moment to say, like, again, we're not experts, and the whole point of this show is that we're non-experts and you shouldn't follow our advice, and we don't know anything about medicine. But you should absolutely take the drugs. And if you're not the person who is getting the drugs, you should use whatever techniques are within your power and safe and healthy to convince your partner to take the drugs sooner rather than later. Bring up old fights. Be like, "Do you remember when you cheated on me in the summer of 92?

Well, payback time, baby. Epidural. That's what I want. You know what I want for Christmas? It's my birthday this year. For my birthday, this year, I want you to get an, an epidural, because, look, again, I know that their temptation is always to be like, "Ah, but we're not women and we can't possibly understand," and we're not women and we can't possibly understand, but one of the things that we get to observe from the outside is women are just constantly hearing from mommy blogs and YouTube, and, but you gotta, naturally, the secret is you just gotta take an oak leaf and

0:22:04 Thomas: Yes. Yeah. Yeah,

0:22:10 Tom: Right.

0:22:41 Eli: Just gently wipe it across your nipples, and the baby will slide out, like Kevin and James and grown -ups too.

0:22:41 Thomas: Well, or or they'll do the like oh, the reason it's so painful is because you're not doing it in a bathtub at home, and if you just it's because the bed is designed to be bad for you. And you're like, is it? I don't, that doesn't seem like

0:22:47 Eli: Yeah, you know,

0:22:51 Tom: It's designed to be bad for you, yes, that's why we designed beds.

0:23:01 Eli: America's the only place on Earth where they have lying down. Can I google that? Please, don't, please, don't google the thing I just said.

0:23:03 Thomas: One one of

0:23:08 Tom: Well, wait, did I, now, now I gotta rewind a little bit, did you guys go to birth classes at all with your, with your partners?

0:23:14 Eli: Fuck.

0:23:14 Tom: Okay.

0:23:14 Eli: Yeah, I went to birth classes, sorry.

0:23:16 Tom: I got, I have the, I went to two, well, one and a half, half sets of birth classes, we, we did, uh, like Bradley method birth.

0:23:24 Eli: Schmoo dad couldn't have been bothered

0:23:25 Thomas: Them. Yeah. That's why he has one and a half kids.

0:23:26 Tom: So went through this whole like, I don't know, 10 week, or something like 12 sessions, I don't remember, it was a long time, it was like a long timerset of birthclasses for this thing called the Bradly method, and I I, like, whatever, whatever, ex wanted to do, I was like, yeah, like, I'm not the one giving birth, like, my job is to say yes and show up like that is my job in this scenario like you say yes show up shut my fucking mouth and be supportive so like and the Bradley method stuff is all like you're saying you know it's all this like everything's got to be natural if you give if you take any kind of painkillers or drugs of any kind in this process like the baby's going to be born like with all these problems and it's just it's very like crunch crunch crunch type stuff.

So, but I was like, all right, like, I don't know anything. I literally have no idea about any of this. I'm, you know, and it was, I will say it was very, very thorough and I was appreciative of the information. I felt very confident like going in, but then I got suckered into this second birth class, which was like. It was beyond, beyond, beyond crunchy. And I read all the books that, that I was supposed to read.

Like I read the, what to expect in your excitement, everything she was reading, I was like, I'll read. So, cause I want to, I want to be as informed of a partner as I possibly can be in this process. So I'm not missing anything. So like, so at one point I get handed this book, like, I don't remember what it's called, like how to give birth, like an ancient Egyptian tiger or some fucking crazy ultra crunch bullshit.

And I'm, it's just not, but it's not for me to opine on. Right. Like, I'm just like, okay, like I'm going to read and understand everything that you understand that way. At least I can, I can engage this conversation fully and be, be supportive the way that I felt like I had to be. We go to this class based on this ultra fucking crunch book. And it's like, it's a weekend thing, like a Saturday, Sunday thing. And we get there Saturday and the it's like, it's fucking crystals and gongs and shit.

0:23:35 Thomas: Holy shit. Yeah, of course.

0:25:27 Eli: Oh,

0:25:27 Tom: And I'm just like, I don't know that I can do this. But I'm like, shut your fucking mouth and do what you got to do. Shut your fucking a mouth and do what you got to do and then like we're going through this like how can the partner help manage pain like you know do these like supportive measures or whatever and so this lady and I'm not making this up this lady comes over and she's the instructor and she sits in front of me and this is mind you after an exercise where we were supposed to draw our feelings about this, this process. I did not draw my you.

0:25:27 Eli: God.

0:25:56 Thomas: Yeah.

0:25:59 Eli: Tom, I'll pay you any amount of money. I'm not a rich man. I'll buy you any money. Amount of money for that drawing.

0:26:03 Thomas: Patron goal. Give me that drawing. And the ones your dad did for you, for the sex time, I want There's A lot of good drawings in your life.

0:26:04 Tom: I, I You, yeah. Can you imagine

0:26:07 Eli: And the ones you... Ironically, identical drawings. We don't know why.

0:26:14 Thomas: Oh man, that's

0:26:16 Tom: My feelings, I didn't do that, I just was like I'm not doing that exercise,

0:26:18 Thomas: Because it's like remember the movie The Ring? Doesn't she just draw a ring over and over, like it's because that drawing from his dad would haunt me the rest of my life, so I would just be drawing, scribbling whatever his dad drew in that moment, forever, for the rest, rest of my life.

0:26:25 Tom: Exercise? I'm not so

0:26:23 Eli: Yeah. That's... Yeah. The Babadook backing slowly out of the room from Tom's dad.

0:26:33 Tom: So so This way, I'm sitting in this fucking hammock or chair or whatever fucking nonsense hippie bullshit we're sitting in, like this garbage house full of gongs and chimes and crystals, and this like instructor lady kneels in front of me and she's like, "All right, well, well, you know, the pain, we're going to role play and the pain is now a seven for her. And, and I need you to tell me what you're going to do." And I'm like, "Oh, I would, I would do these." I knew the answer.

0:26:59 Tom: Right. Like this is like, know the answer stuff, because like we had been taught, like, "Here are the things you can do to be supportive of, of your, you, while they're giving birth." I was like, "Go, I could do these various supportive things," you know, rub a tennis ball on her back if she wanted or, you know, whatever this stupid shit was. I don't remember. It's been fucking 16 years. So, uh, I was like, "Oh, I would do XYZ and ABC," and she's like, "Okay, good," and then, no shit, she reaches behind herself and then she pulls out a finger puppet of a fairy and she goes, "Oh, the labor fairy came, and now the pain's at a 10," and she like blinked it, like with her, like, like with this fucking finger fairy in front of my eyes, just like, "It's at 10, now what do you do?" And I was, was like, I

0:26:59 Thomas: Oh no.

0:27:45 Tom: Leave, I have to leave, I have to live, and I did, I was like, I was like, "I have, I can't be here anymore, I have to believe, I have two, I'm, I'm leaving." And I stood up and I was like, "I don't know if you're still doing this and that's fine, but I'm, I'm a hundred percent just leaving. I'm just going to go out to the car. I've not having somebody finger puppet me about like no fucking useless useless

0:27:46 Eli: I kill myself. I kill myself right now.

0:27:46 Thomas: Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And of probably telling your, your partner afterward, like, Oh, that's a horrible guy. You know, he's just, Just you got to leave.

0:28:11 Tom: No to her credit she also left. She's like, that's, that's, that's just fucking stupid. Like we don't need to draw feelings like that's actually like fucking crunch bullshit. Like the, kid was going to be born in a tub in our, you guest bedroom. Like I had the tub all set up and everything, my kids were both induced by emergency so like it never happened but like I had the whole tub and like the home first like home birth brewing bullshit like all that nonsense like was all and I hated it the whole time I'm like, "This is all bullshit, we're gonna kill this kid," you're it's all ever they're gonna and like

0:28:19 Thomas: Yeah. God.

0:28:47 Thomas: If anything goes wrong, you're just a guy with a bathtub.

0:28:48 Tom: No yeah and things went wrong with both of the kids Things went right wrong with the kids, like the first kid was born and uh out and it, there's a shoulder dystocia issue which is basically like where the kid like kamuras themself out of the fucking like birth canal, so they're like choking themselves out and it's like this whole fucking thing, and then Amen was induced six weeks early in an emergency moment, you know, and had like failure to thrive in the cord around his neck and like was only four pounds and was in to nick you for a week

0:28:53 Thomas: Yeah. There you go. Oh, man.

0:28:53 Eli: Yep. Yeah.

0:29:19 Thomas: Yeah. There's so many ways for it to go wrong. There's like one perfect way for it somehow go right. Who thinks they're so fucking lucky or special that that's them? I'll never understand it. Like someone's like, yeah, yeah. I just do it in a bathtub. Fucking might as well do it wherever. Cause nothing will go wrong.

0:29:22 Tom: Yeah like yeah no no it

0:29:31 Eli: Also like How, how is medical communication in this country that people are like, "No, I think I probably got this more than a doctor" like, think, have you ever been at the mechanic and watched him and gone, "I could do this at home" in the bath, probably better

0:29:43 Tom: It's that bad though, yeah

0:29:49 Thomas: Oh, Yeah. I bet. A lot of women do. It's crazy.

0:29:53 Eli: Just the level of, now I will say, and the thing about Anna, Anna has, has no feel, none, no, you've both met my wife, she has no filter or sense of, of timing or patience for bullshit, so I was the one being like, you have to be nice about the fairy finger puppet for the entire birth because our families contain people who have differing ideas, and I was like, look, they're not in charge, they don't get to do any of this stuff, but someone in the family would, would say the word natural, they'd be like, "Oh, this oatmeal is natural," and I would be like, "Listen in here motherfucker," and I'd be like, "She's just oatmeal, she won" she just wants the oatmeal she

0:30:01 Thomas: Yeah. You don't say.

0:30:30 Tom: Well, wait

0:30:33 Eli: Said organic what

0:30:34 Thomas: Oh,

0:30:35 Tom: A minute, were your families there, were right

0:30:37 Eli: But they were talking to us and giving advice because you gotta remember we gave birth uh peak of COVID, right, I was, I was, Anna gave birth the day they allowed husbands back into the delivery room right, the day, the day before I was still, we had a plan, I was going to be out on the iPad in the like parking lot, um, and she was gonna like hold it up to the window, it was super depressing, and then they were like, "No, no, you're gonna, you can come in, we just changed the hospital policy," so that was, but yeah, yeah, the drugs, the lesson here kids is drugs, drugs and science, drugs and science, it's And hey, also, let's just take a moment to empathize with the people who use crunchy because I get it, because you know what, finger puppet lady was nice and

0:30:43 Tom: Drugs

0:30:48 Thomas: That's lucky.

0:31:10 Tom: Save lives yeah

0:31:10 Thomas: Yeah. Oh my God. Yep.

0:31:22 Tom: Man.

0:31:22 Eli: You want 99 of doctors aren't nice, right? They're just like, "Okay, I guess, oh, your liver exploded and you're just, oh God, this is so the most important part of your day, I know, I know it's every day and you're doing miracles, but I really" really need you to focus up I

0:31:42 Thomas: Yeah. Yeah.

0:31:23 Tom: Yep. Yep is a thousand percent true man, like

0:31:47 Thomas: Well, we're so lucky and I'm, I'm so grateful for the, the women of the, uh, whatever it's called maternity, whatever mothers and kids, something, uh, where we are with Kaiser. They're all, they were all great. Like they're all most of them are moms as well. And they're just, they're like, they're, they're really good at being a little excited for you, even though, yes, this is their every day, you know, they're just like, Oh, Oh so cute. Oh, Oh, what a great, you know, they do all that stuff. And that, that really does like mean a lot. You know, it, it sucks horrendously to have the most, you know, beautiful, important day of your life. And it's some asshole who's like, uh, all Yeah.

0:32:25 Thomas: But it's asking a lot, you know, you're asking a lot of people who are probably exhausted and do, you know, this is every day for them. It's tough.

0:32:08 Tom: Yeah yeah yeah well the yeah

0:32:23 Eli: On my 15, yeah overworked and underpaid sympathy out the wazoo, now again, here's credit where credit's due, Anna was like, "I heard if we bring them presents it like makes them in a better mood," so I was like, "Oh, fucking presents" I'm on this so we purchased better

0:32:32 Thomas: Yeah.

0:32:45 Tom: Right

0:32:44 Thomas: Eli brings him a car. There's a car outside with a a bow.

0:32:48 Tom: Eli's sister forgets to tip the nurses, the his parents have to go back and

0:32:50 Thomas: Yeah.

0:32:49 Eli: Better because I yeah exactly they put it back, right, yeah, no, I bought, I bought basically a pool table sized box of Ferrera Roche, I bought three of them, and every new department we got wheeled to I would just hand over this fucking party platter of Ferreira Roches and everyone on the floor would come in and be like, "Hey, do you, you guys want to use this new laser we're trying out? It actually, it makes your tongue, it's like an x-ray, and then your baby can just phase through your body. It's the best."

0:33:22 Eli: My friend Matt has this wonderful story, which I love so much. His dad used to be an orderly at hospitals, and he loved getting tipped. So when Matt was born, his dad compulsively tipped literally everyone they passed. He would just like, like everyone who walked in the room, he would hand them a 20 bill to the extent that Matt's mom had to be like, "Hey man, you've given out like 350, what are you doing?" And he was like, "I'm tipping, I'm dipping every there." At one point, this is the story she tells, is they were rolling him her down the hallway and he was literally just like handing people money as they walked by, like, like he was giving out Christ pamphlets. Oh, so we've got this background, we got Phoebe the tube baby, we've got Arlo who slid out in the Burt

0:33:21 Thomas: By the yeah

0:34:13 Eli: Reynolds position from Playgirl

0:34:14 Thomas: Perfectly on, on his day, perfectly which is so not Arlo, his personality is the opposite, I love too, because the uh, the, the only thing that did suck about the process is they have the shift times, they come in at eight and eight, so they change nurses at eight in eight, and and we happen to get in, we scheduled, they scheduled the fucking inducement for an indictment, I don't know, know if it's a, if she got indicted or do, for um, for like seven, and so that meant we got in there by, you know, by the time we're all checked in, said and done, it's like, you know, 7:45, and then that means nurse one has to ask us our life story and every delivery story and everything and she's like, "Oh, by the way, we're changing uh, changing nurses at eight, so you'll have to do all this again," it's like, well, then why did why did you do that, yeah, and you know, Lydia's, Lydia, she's liked it, she, she answered, God, here's a testament to how shitty I am and how great Lydia is, I can't stand repetition. Like, I just can't. I try.

0:34:16 Eli: Right yeah sure

0:34:38 Tom: Right.

0:35:00 Tom: Why am I doing this now?

0:35:14 Tom: Can you say that again? I'm sorry.

0:35:15 Thomas: Yeah, it's good that my memory, it's good that my memory has gotten so bad now that I think I do repeat myself more because I used to just, if, and it's, I'm an asshole, Andrew would go to tell a story on OA and I'd be like, "Oh, yeah, we've, you've told this one," but I got to realize, like, there's a billion people listening who probably haven't heard it. You know, I just need to be like, "Oh, shut the fuck up," and just listen to the story again. But I'm so like averse to repeating a story that I hate, I was always like, "Have I said this? Have I told you this?" Why? I don't want to repeat anything. And so by, you know, time two, I was already like, "Yeah, Phoebe was well,"

0:35:18 Eli: Of

0:35:50 Tom: Oh,

0:35:50 Thomas: Arlo was what? And Lydia, every time she had to answer this, by the way, not just those two times, every single shift. And there was an, and an extra one There, you know, cause, uh, cause once it started getting toward the time, then there's like the person who comes in who's the midwife, then there is midwife coming in asking all the same questions, and Lydia is going through labor and she's answering these questions more patiently than I'm able to, like, she's just so much better. I'm just like, ah, we've already, you probably have it written down somewhere, it's the fourth time, ah, Phoebe was a tube, Arlo was on time, this one, you know, like it's just the same thing every time.

0:35:57 Tom: My God. Right.

0:35:59 Eli: Course. Yeah.

0:36:27 Eli: Just Is so painful for me, meanwhile Lydia's just pushing in the background,

0:36:31 Tom: What?

0:36:31 Thomas: Can't you guys see how uncomfortable I am with these questions?

0:36:34 Tom: And also, my back hurts. God damn it.

0:36:39 Thomas: So so we're inducing and this turned out to be kind of in between Phoebe and Arlo. So I was thinking since Arlo was so good that maybe just, you know, once your body has had a baby or two, then it's like, oh, oh, we know how to do this. We'll just spit them out. But because of the getting induced is just not easy. Like it just isn't your body. Apparently your body is on a timer and your body's like, I'm not ready for the baby. And when they do the chemicals to make it happen, it's like it's just not ripe yet. You know, you're trying to pull a not ripe baby out of a thing that's not ready to take it out.

0:37:13 Tom: Got what you got to do is put her in a brown paper bag with an apple and that'll do it. That'll.

0:37:17 Eli: Yes. Or the same bowl as some onions. Yeah. Mm-hmm.

0:37:18 Thomas: I like the idea that in the maternity ward, there's like the brown paperback room that they're like, Oh, do you have anyone in there?

0:37:26 Eli: No.

0:37:27 Thomas: Oh, it's cool. You can put two of them in there. It's fine. That actually helps.

0:37:26 Tom: Just Oh, her up just go ripen her up. That's fine. No.

0:37:33 Thomas: And so Scombert was, was like, nothing happening. It was like, uh, I was really hoping that it would be a fast one because his birthday could have been 12-22-22 and that would have been so so easy to remember and now I'm realizing well his birthday's two days before Christmas. I think I can remember it, but it would have been nice to. Yeah, when's Christmas? I don't know.

0:37:43 Eli: Oh, Thomas.

0:37:43 Tom: That would have been cool. Yeah, you got sometime

0:37:53 Eli: I I've now scheduled a few podcasts with you. I think 12-22-22 probably would have been better. What is it now? Is that, well, when's Christmas? Well, okay, all right, well, 12 22-22.

0:38:01 Thomas: January. I don'T know.

0:38:03 Eli: That's your birthday.

0:38:01 Tom: In June, right? I heard Christmas is

0:38:05 Eli: Now

0:38:05 Tom: In July. It's a thing, right?

0:38:06 Thomas: Yeah. So, uh, the, but that didn't happen. In fact, it went, you know, quite a ways into the next day. And, and, uh it was, so it was we were in there at seven, you Know, and then it was two by the time things were really getting going and it was the same thing. She got Lydia to her credit was finally like, Hey, I've learned a thing or two in life. Give me that spinal thing, epidural the minute you can.

0:38:06 Tom: Mm.

0:38:28 Thomas: In fact, she her stand up for herself a little bit. It's actually something that, you been working on is she's such a people pleaser that she's Been working on like trying to actually, you Know, tell people what she wants more and express herself. And I was I was so proud of her because the nurse was giving language of like, well, okay, you feel, you Know, she was feeling it out. Like, oh, you might want to, you know, might want to do so and so if you're thinking you'll have an epidural. And I, I watched Lydia be like, no, I'm just, do, I'm having the epidural. Like, just do whatever. It was way nicer. It was still way nicer and people pleasing than that, but it was essentially like, no, don't leave any ambiguity. Like, I'm doing the epidurals, which was great. I was really proud. Yeah.

0:38:28 Eli: Yeah Yep.

0:38:36 Tom: -hmm. Right yep that nurses credit, though. To the nurses' credit, like, I will say that a lot of, just my, my personal experience, like these birthing classes, they will, they they put these nurses in an impossible spot because these birth classes that I went to were like, they would be like, okay, now you're gonna be, if you're in this, you're going to be asking for an epidural, and and you might regret that. And so they sort of like coach you on so you're, you're to do, like, fucking like safe words and shit, like to make sure that, like, you super extra extra definitely want this and you're not just asking in the moment, or, like, like a birth plan, like, oh, ask me three times while blinking and standing on your left leg and spin twice in a circle and steal third, and that's how I know that you actually, like, they teach you all

0:39:16 Thomas: Oh yeah no uh yeah but yeah yep yeah

0:39:43 Eli: Yeah

0:39:49 Tom: This, like, so these nurses, if they don't, they don't like hem and haw and like, like try to respect this, they're, they're in an impossible space.

0:39:54 Thomas: Yes Yes, and they have to do that not just with something that's, you know, ostensibly kind of just a choice like, yes, it's really hard to do it without drugs, but it's still a choice that people can make. They do it with stuff like, hey, do you want this instant life saving drug if your baby comes out and is on fire?

0:40:15 Thomas: Do you do you consent to letting us use a fire extinguisher if your Baby comes out of you a flame? And I even said I medical thing ever. I do this. I go, we just believe in medicine, whatever the science medicine is.

0:39:58 Tom: Right yeah yeah right right good

0:40:15 Eli: Yeah oh yep oh

0:40:29 Thomas: And most of the time, like 90% of the time they're like, oh, okay. They're like. Oh, I can just use the knowledge that I have learned through a hundred years of medical school and experience. And I could just tell you a fucking moron who has none of that. I could just offer you my best advice on that. Not that it's going to be perfect, but I'll tell you, it's gonna be way more informed than whatever the fuck I'm gonna say.

0:40:33 Tom: Thank god right uh

0:40:33 Eli: Nice cool yeah right better than what you saw on TikTok, I promise.

0:40:55 Tom: Doctor I googled this once, uh, right before I fell asleep on a Thursday, so yeah

0:40:56 Eli: Oh all right

0:40:55 Thomas: Yeah, that's, look, we all know this being in skeptic circles, but that's one of the biggest fallacies of humans just in everyday life is, oh, an expert was wrong once, therefore fucking anything is fine. Like because an expert was wrong once, I can watch one YouTube video and my knowledge is as good, like, it'll be as good because, you know, in the 1800s, they used to think it was humors, so therefore it's like what the fuck are you talking about

0:41:12 Tom: Right yeah but you know I I will say though, the alternate side of that is that I find myself, when I ask a quick, when I, when I go to a doctor's appointment and I have, I've done some reading to try to not be completely ignorant about, like, a serious. And I'm like, I will find myself caveating and like hemming and hawing before I like, okay, I'm going to ask, but I don't want you to think I just like Googled and I feel like an expert, but I have the question. Cause I, what I read, but I try to read good stuff like studies. And like, I try it. I try like, because I want to differentiate myself from the, from the Google scholar, you know? And I'm just like, okay, I don't think I'm a total asshole, but here's the question I have, but the question might be stupid. And I don't want you to write in my notes in that chart that I'm difficult, because if you write in there I'm difficult, I'll never be taken seriously again.

0:41:36 Thomas: Yeah yeah totally yeah yep yep yep yeah yeah no totally we do the same thing we do the same thing yeah or oh

0:42:07 Tom: It's a whole Seinfeld thing.

0:42:08 Thomas: Yeah, or I'm terrified that they'll be like, they'll take something you say, and because we live in this idiot society, they'll, they'll be like, oh, I guess that person wants some bullshit thing. We'll just write down their chart, wants bullshit. No, like I just was wanting to know about it. I didn't want to like affect your decision. Like you just you'd still give me your medical advice like a doctor. I just Was curious about it I'm terrified they're going to go too far to accommodate me some like unthought, unthought through bullshit that I just ask, you Know.

0:42:20 Tom: Yeah and right

0:42:36 Eli: Yeah

0:42:37 Tom: But they, you know, I will say too that, like, the other side of that is doctors do write down in their charts, like, if you get a copy of charts, like, they could write down, like, this patient is difficult to work with, or you know, there's a lot of, like, no, they're extremely not infallible but and that that shit.

0:42:37 Eli: Yeah oh god I can only, I now, I'm only imagining my charts throughout the years

0:42:46 Thomas: Oh, yeah. Yeah, they're not infallible. Yeah Yeah. Well, especially with like stuff like addiction, they'll do a lot of like profiling of like this person's obviously just wanting to get pain pill, you know?

0:42:56 Eli: Jewish dude if if you get, if you get drug-seeking behavior on a chart, you can be in, I mean, asshole, it's, that's a bummer and super sad. And we don't need to talk about it

0:43:04 Thomas: Yeah. We won't talk about on scumbert day on St. Scumbert's day.

0:43:12 Eli: Yeah scum, okay. Okay, so so

0:43:14 Tom: All right. Back to scum, but we can go down a whole path there and we should sometime.

0:43:16 Eli: You're you're rudely pushing people out of the way. She's explaining the birth plan to them

0:43:18 Thomas: So for the ninth time, like just, and they have a nice, a cool little board with like these different magnets of like, Oh, here's what, you know, of, of boxes of like you cover up the thing you don't want. One of them, I love, did you guys do this? They asked me like, Thomas, do you want to? Oh yeah. They have, you know, just different preferences. It's, it's nice. Cause it's on a big, like a whiteboard where you can write in some preferences and it's got like a template that's, you Know, gotten common decisions. Like, do you want such and such thing? Do one of them, I love it. They asked, they forgot to ask this one, uh, until the end, which I don't fucking care. She's like, like, Thomas, do you want to cut the umbilical cord? I was like, nope, I'm good.

0:43:22 Eli: Nope

0:43:34 Tom: What? Okay. Right.

0:43:58 Tom: Oh God.

0:43:59 Eli: Sure, don't

0:43:59 Thomas: Don't, don't

0:43:59 Eli: I don't

0:43:59 Tom: I did that once and it made me almost throw up.

0:44:00 Eli: Want to do that. Did

0:44:02 Tom: It's so disgusting.

0:44:01 Thomas: Need to. Yeah. I have no desire. It's

0:44:04 Tom: That is a horrible, disgusting thing to do.

0:44:04 Thomas: Gross.

0:44:04 Eli: You want to cut through the thick spongy membrane separating your wife and did you wanna feel the blades close and slice through what absolutely not I I screamed like a washer woman in a seventh century, yeah of course

0:44:10 Tom: Oh yeah. Did you do it, Eli? Did you? Oh my God. No,

0:44:06 Thomas: Oh, that was a C -section. Do they do that for C - section? Oh, they do. Oh. Okay. I didn't know that. I thought they,

0:44:25 Tom: Actually

0:44:22 Eli: Yeah I screamed a washerwoman

0:44:25 Tom: It, Max still has the umbilical cord. Like he's just still,

0:44:26 Thomas: Yeah.

0:44:26 Eli: Yeah no yeah, it's just attached to me now and I honestly I prefer it that way yeah this weight is for him

0:44:31 Tom: Yeah right yeah no oh

0:44:30 Thomas: Eli still has the the umbilical cord Eli's Like, hey, match, we match. I mean

0:44:36 Eli: No

0:44:35 Tom: The The to give you a sense of how crunchy, uh, first obstetrician was, they asked me if everything goes well, if I wanted to catch the baby, and was like, I can't catch a ball. I can't catch a ball, are you a baby, a slippery slippery baby? I, why Why don't I just kill the baby on its, like, it's like, it's six seconds old and it's dead and it is my fault. No, I do not want to catch the baby.

0:44:48 Thomas: Yeah, catch the baby, oh my god oh

0:44:49 Eli: No did okay okay wait did they, guys, guys, guys, have you heard of eating the placenta?

0:45:08 Thomas: Yes. And I don't want it I'm sorry, I don't not on my Scombards day, I don't want to, I will be made sick I don't want

0:45:08 Tom: Yes. Oh, oh, we, yeah. All right. Let's see. Okay. Back to Skomber. We got a lot, we got a little bit of time. We got, we've got a, we have a lot of ground to cover.

0:45:16 Thomas: To talk about the bullshit, but on the note of catching the baby, I, I love what, I love about medical science is when Science, when science meets, like, mechanics, like, because we're still just fucking monkeys. I love when, when medical, because you'll have stuff where it's like, yeah, this scans their brain and it produces a blah, blah, bla. And then you'll have something that's like, yeah, there's a bucket we put at the end of the bed for the baby to fall into.

0:45:20 Eli: I bet if we put it in a Crunchwrap Supreme, you'd do it.

0:45:38 Tom: I know.

0:45:38 Eli: Yep.

0:45:39 Thomas: And I love the contrast of just like, yep, that's still the best thing we've got is a fucking bucket like there's just.

0:45:44 Eli: Yeah.

0:45:45 Tom: What's that for? You bleed into it. You just bleed all your blood into it,

0:45:48 Thomas: Yeah yep just dumps in there maybe the baby if we drop the baby probably we can grab it in there that's good you know

0:45:53 Eli: You can shit in there if you want. Why would you volunteer that information to me, man?

0:45:54 Thomas: Yeah

0:45:57 Tom: The last girl did We'll scrape it out at the end of the day

0:45:59 Thomas: So I did the nope don't need to do that you know why because I'm not a fucking doctor I you you can do that, I don't, why do I need to be a doctor, I don't know, why do I do any of that, so we don't, and so uh she's got the drugs things are going well like I'm the uh the thing about the drugs is you basically just go to sleep like I so what happened and I'm I'm already not a sleeper I'm not a um I'm not a good sleeper I'm not a good sleeper in strange places we've discussed I cannot sleep on airplanes and so we're all nighting this shit and I'm I have no accommodations I've got the shittiest possible I've got a fucking couch that is built like um Ayn Rand doesn't want homeless people sleeping on it like it's it's like and and come

0:46:04 Tom: Right Sorry

0:46:42 Eli: Of

0:46:43 Thomas: On like this is in a maternity ward you know what this is for the couch is specifically Look, again, I'm not the victim here, I'm nothing important, one here, but how hard is it for them to just put a better couch in there. I was telling the uh, I, I started to, I think, I think one of the nurses commented, she was like, yeah, sorry about that, cat, because I wouldn't have brought it up. I swear I wouldn't. She's like, oh, sorry about the couch. I was like, yeah, if it just had one more inch.

0:46:47 Tom: Right, Oh, I know.

0:47:07 Eli: Course you did. Of course. Of course, you yes and. Oh, sorry about the couch. Finally. All right. He shoves Lydia out of the bed. Here, honey, we'll move that dresser while I talk to her about this couch. Let me explain to you what's going on here.

0:47:18 Tom: My wife says,

0:47:09 Thomas: Yeah. Oh yeah. Yeah, yes. Oh, of course. Yeah. I pulled No, of course, if she brings it up I'm gonna go and, uh, and for most of the conversation Lydia's just passed out anyway, so I can really just complain all I want. But no, she was like, yeah, sorry about by the couch, I was like, yeah, I, it's just one more inch, if they could have given one more. And she said, yeah, I don't understand, she was with me. Yeah, I just like that the nurse or the whoever it was, the midwife, I don't know, there's a bunch of different people, I, that she was totally with me. She was like, it really sucks that they don't give you a better thing because oftentimes you're spending, you know, over a day in these fucking rooms sometimes. And So I'm on that thing and I'm trying to get work done, I was just like, I gotta, this kind of came a little unexpected, I was, I was, was scheduled to be basically ready to go by scombert day, you know, I was like gonna have the edits done for the shows, I was gonna, whatever.

And then because this is a day early, I was like, just not quite there, I was, a fuck, I gotta finish some stuff, I gotta edit away, I gotta edit this show, I gotta do all this stuff. And so when we went in there, and because she was being induced, I was, well, this is perfect, being induced means you just fucking sit there for hours, so I guess I'll just get some work done.

So I do, and then all night I can't fucking sleep, and Lydia is on drugs. So she's just out. And Lydia is a good sleeper to begin with. So

0:47:48 Tom: Yeah.

0:48:27 Tom: Man.

0:48:27 Thomas: Drugged up Lydia could fall asleep on, I don't know, the head of a pin, whatever it is. Like she could just fucking anything. She could be standing up. She can be mid jump and she could fall sleep because she's such a good sleeper and the nice drugs. And so I get work done and, uh, I finally dozed off a little, but you know, that kind of sleep, and Tom, I know, I know you have some sleep problems too, there was a time where I did the, the classic, like, I blinked my eyes and then it was somehow later, like, I just literally I was like, all right, I just finished a bunch of edits, it's the morning, you know, like after being up all night doing this and still nothing happening with the baby because, like, Lydia was stuck at whatever millimeters forever, you know, like just not dilating quite enough.

And I was like, all right, I think I'm just gonna lay down on this really uncomfortable fucking Ayn Rand anti-homeless people couch and just see, I'll just see if, like, I always, I always go through this thought process, I'm like, there's got to be an amount of tired where my brain will just be like, fine, I give up, you know.

0:48:57 Tom: Yep.

0:49:26 Thomas: Right, yeah.

0:49:26 Tom: Self -defensively closed down.

0:49:27 Thomas: Or Or death, or the sweet embrace of death will take one or the other. And So I lay down and I did, the I can't, my body found a middle, it was like, well, I'm not going to give you any real sleep, because fuck, fuck you. But I will do a weird thing where you'll blink and somehow it will be 45 minutes later and no one will be able to explain it.

0:49:28 Tom: Yeah, right, yeah. That

0:49:32 Eli: Yep.

0:49:47 Tom: Nice, because then time goes by but you don't feel refreshed, so that is a nice middle ground that you can, you know, where you get those like eye crusties and you're just like, like, somehow this is worse. I'm disoriented now.

0:49:52 Thomas: Yeah. Yeah, it's, yeah. You're closer to the time where you need to be awake again, but you're not refreshed at all. It's a fantastic compromise. It'S great. Yeah

0:50:00 Tom: Right. Yes, that is good. You're like, oh, I feel like a magician stole my life. That's what I feel. Like, this is great. Awesome.

0:50:03 Thomas: Yeah. And she was like, and I guess something had happened. Like I blinked and then a lady was in there that I didn't know, and I was like, what, what's going on, what, and she's like, oh yeah, you, you, uh, you were asleep, asleep for, for awhile And I was like, it was not a while, like I looked at the clock, I was like, don't gaslight me, you fuck, come on, I was asleep for like 32 minutes.

And, uh, apparently that was when, like, things, you know, dilated a little more, things were looking like more ready, but it still took forever. And we did the thing, I know, with Arlo I said, and this is totally true, they woke us up and said, you're, you're having a baby, bam, babe, like it just was done. Cause it was so by the book, and she was on the drugs, and it was in the middle of the night too.

Arlo was like, I don't know, 4am, 5am, can't, one, uh, we had waited through that, that was the morning I told you about. It was about 11 maybe in the morning when that happened. And then we still had another three hours, but eventually they're like, all right, I think, uh, I thank you're having baby. They came in and not only was it, you're having a baby, it was like you're already behind somehow. Like we, we were already in trouble. It was weird.

I don't know what happened. I think it was all because of the heart rate stuff. So she was starting to push a little bit. And at first they were like, yeah, why don't you, uh, why don't you try and push, do a little push. And I was like, oh, we're just testing the waters. And within one second, that turned into like, no, put, you gotta put, you know, they're just yelling at her. I was like,

0:51:28 Thomas: What is going on? Yeah, they were. They're like, you have to put, I was I wasn't asleep for that. That really was like one second. And it was because because as, as I said, he was getting squeezed. So she tried to push a little bit and his heart rate was just dipping, dipping, dripping, you know, it was really bad. And so they went instantly, and the things, I won't describe it, but, but the visual that I permanently have that I guess, uh, Eli's got different visuals because of the C-section, different visuals that I don't want, but my visuals and anyone else's has been for vaginal birth. You know, you see some things, and it's, uh... It's, it's not great.

It's not, it weird to see your wife being a, like a thing, like a bag that someone's trying to pull something out, like it's just, it's weird, you just don't, it's just weird, you don't want to see that, but and I, I have to appreciate like the the solid experience of these women who put a little elbow grease and they know what to do, like they're like, all right, fucking shirt sleeves going up, let's just yank this guy out.

And, uh, it wasn't, he wasn't coming, he wasn't coming, we're getting that warning again, I'm like, fuck, not again, where they're like, oh, we're not sure he's gonna, blah blah blah, and so then they're like, we're gonna get the vacuum, and I was like, oh, fucking a, and I did the thing where I, they saw my reaction, I was like, oh, the vacuum, great, you know, whatever, whatever reaction it was, probably not even that much, and they started to be like, oh, you don't want us to, I was like, no, don't, I want you

0:51:28 Tom: Yelling at her.

0:51:42 Tom: Right. Yeah.

0:52:48 Thomas: To do what, like we're in the peak

0:52:49 Eli: Don't pay attention to me. Do the medicine that's gross.

0:52:50 Thomas: Yes and we're in the peak of like the drama of, of it, I'm like, just do the rest, I just want, no, that, that was just me. Cause we had, Phoebe was a bad thing, you know, the story we had to tell 14 times with a birth. Uh, Oh, Oh wait.

0:53:02 Eli: So here's the thing about my dad that you need to understand, okay? So I think he probably had some kind of mental illness going on, but it didn't actually matter because he treated the people around him really badly. Is so those needs of making just use the vacuum use the vacuum I

0:53:03 Thomas: Yeah.

0:53:14 Thomas: Here's the vacuum. Ignore my complaining.

0:53:16 Eli: Have these diaries

0:53:17 Tom: Look call Dr. Dyson in if that's necessary I don't care like

0:53:19 Thomas: Yeah. Just use the vacuum now. And so, um, they did. And, but fortunately it was like the ever so slight vacuum. Back. You're like, literally she, she notched it on on the the, dude man's head and it just, just barely enough to pull him out. We didn't even notice he had barely any bruising. It was nice. He wasn't a tube.

0:53:21 Tom: Yeah attachment do they use is it, is it the little one that you can't

0:53:37 Thomas: Yeah. The carpet one.

0:53:38 Eli: It's the brush one, you wouldn't think it's the brushed one, but it is

0:53:39 Thomas: Yeah. Well, they check if you've shaved or not and they use the carpet attachment.

0:53:45 Tom: Oh God, we use the flow b Oh, God.

0:53:48 Thomas: Yeah. If you, uh if you'd had a Brazilian recently, they do the hardwood attachment for it. But so and so, yeah, a great job. And oh, my God, I'll tell you this. Lydia pushed so hard. She was trying to push so hard to make that happen. And mind you, I don't know what what this is. Yeah, I know. I don't know what this like, but she's having to push on the drug. She can't feel anything. I don't know. And again, mothers who've gone through this who are listening know this, but you're the epidural, you they're better now. Now they have a different like drug they do, but it used to be, you have nothing from the waist down. Like you literally can't feel anything.

And so that was a reason to not get it, was it makes it harder to push and to deliver, you know, like that was kind of a legitimate concern. Now it's different so that you can still feel some stuff. I don't really know. They kind of explained it, but I didn't get it. But Lydia was like trying to push, and she can't tell what's happening. You know, she can't really feel as much as she might be able to otherwise. And she's pushing as hard as she possibly can, Lydia's fucking nose, like a movie, bursts out with blood because she's

0:53:53 Eli: Yeah.

0:53:53 Tom: Oh.

0:54:02 Eli: She had two babies

0:54:47 Thomas: Pushing so hard yeah, just blood bursts out of her, I was like, oh my God, oh my God, I was scared, like did you have an aneurysm or something, I'm just like my God and

0:54:47 Tom: My God right yeah

0:54:54 Eli: Yeah did she she might have, she lead on you

0:54:57 Thomas: But fortunately the, I love too, another thing is you can just gauge the professionals in the room, their reaction, you know, same way, like if your plane is rumbling a little bit what and if they're panicking, you're gonna die, if, uh, fine, then you're fine, and they're, they're like, oh yeah, burst blood vessel, and they were so casual, I was like, okay, don't have to worry about it, fine, that's not, I was really glad that it wasn't like her brain is coming up, guys, you know, I was about to lose it, um, but they reacted like, oh no, that's just a kind of burst blood vessel thing, no big deal, uh, but it was, boy, that was startling, that was how hard Lydia was pushing

0:55:06 Tom: I just watched the the flight attendants, yeah

0:55:31 Eli: Well you gotta be careful with that metric, that's how you end up with big chungus, I'm just, I'm just saying, it's how you end up with big chungas, is it, people will normalize a lot of things that man is still on the loose, person, I don't know their gender I don't know that they have gender I think they've transcended it like mountains and oceans

0:55:38 Thomas: Yeah yeah that's true that's fine, yeah it's just an ancient demon yeah uh, and so, uh, it happened and, uh, he was born, Scombert was born about two something, 2:15, uh, it was funny, it happened so fast, it went from Lydia was passed out to giving birth, that I literally was on my computer exporting OA and was like, I had hit the button, all right, exporting this file, and it was like... and so I set my computer to the side, and it was just exporting the whole time. And so I'll always have that file timestamp of... Which I told the OA audience as well. I'll have that timestamp when Remy was born on the WAV file. It's not on the MP3, of course, because I convert that later.

0:55:48 Eli: Yeah

0:56:25 Tom: All right so you, you drop the name just casually, so now you've got to drop the name for the audience

0:56:27 Eli: Wait

0:56:29 Thomas: Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's true. Yeah. Yeah. In case anybody, well, they already know on Facebook.

0:56:31 Eli: I save it, save it for the patrons, that's

0:56:36 Tom: You know what, until, until he becomes a patron, don't tell Scombert

0:56:36 Thomas: Uh, I won't tell we, he can learn his real birthday when he's a patron, his fake birthday will be March or whatever, no, it's a, it's Remy. His name is Remy, uh, went with Samuel. Um, it's a family name. It's my brother's name, but also my one cool, uh, uncle, I guess, I don't know, family, cause I don't, that's my family, I don't understand any relation of anybody, but I think he was my great uncle, so not my like immediate uncle.

0:56:41 Eli: Right, yeah yeah 12

0:57:02 Thomas: But whatever, and he was the one who apparently was an atheist, I remember him, but I I was never old enough to really engage with him, you know, but my older brother said, like, yeah, he was actually fucking awesome, like he was really cool, um, I think he's Vietnam, that, but he, um, he got rheumatoid arthritis, super sad, he, he, uh, got rheuma toward arthritis and he went from, like, you know, active hiking, all these pictures of him doing all that stuff, to, you, in a wheelchair, and just really just destroyed and so the only way I knew him was in this uh you know full wheelchair could barely move all that stuff but he was super cool um his name was Samuel as well my brother's name and there's another uncle in there as well that I I think is kind of cool but I don't really know because I don't know my family so Remy Samuel Samuel Smith. And, uh, yeah, that's, that's the story of a scumber.

0:57:01 Eli: Nice well

0:57:02 Tom: That's terrific oh man is

0:57:48 Thomas: That's scumber day.

0:57:48 Tom: It okay for the rest of his life, I call him Scombert just forever, because that's gonna happen I just okay good

0:57:51 Thomas: Yes. It's absolutely okay.

0:57:53 Eli: Every time he, uh, goes to the breast, you can say, hey, it's an RSS feed

0:57:58 Thomas: Exactly. Yep. I that's funny. Lydia was the one who caught that. I didn't even catch it. Lydia caught it. She was like, Oh, RSS. I was like oh shit. You're right. Nice. So that's fun. And I think someone in the, uh on the, on Facebook, the announcement caught it too. But, uh yeah, That was like an additional, I was Like, oh, okay, sure. Once we saw that, I was like, yeah, RSS. That's funny. Why not?

0:58:08 Eli: Oh nice little podcasting joke, excellent, all

0:58:21 Thomas: Quite well. She had to keep doing blood pressure readings because of that concern. I think it's okay now. Um, nothing major. I mean, he has, there's one issue with Remy for an, I'll save for another day. Uh, we'll see how that goes. Could be an ongoing, uh, medical thingy, but it's not a big deal. He's for the most part, overwhelmingly lucky with these three kids, all born healthy, all, you know, Lydia Lydia survived it. That was my nightmare. I was like, oh, this is going to be the thing where like I took too much. You know, this guy thing like I went back for the third kid and like I

0:58:20 Tom: And how's Lydia recovering, right

0:58:51 Eli: Fantastic

0:58:51 Thomas: Had it perfect. And then it'll be this curse because I went for too much good. And, you know, everybody would die or something. I had that kind of fear in the back of my mind. But fortunately, it's all went well. We got we got ourselves a Remy. We got ourselves this convert.

0:59:04 Tom: And you can get yourself that vasectomy that you've been so excited about

0:59:07 Eli: Don't

0:59:06 Thomas: Yep. That I keep forgetting to call about, but I'm going to. I, I'm gonna have so many stories and pictures and videos of the kids, uh, is so cute with Remy, Arlo's still fucking just out of it and never knows anything, he's really cute but he just, he just doesn't know what's happening ever, yeah

0:59:22 Eli: Know what, Arlo's doing adorable

0:59:23 Thomas: He's just into his thing, but Phoeba is so acute with the baby, she's holding him, she's wanting to do all this stuff, she's, uh, it's been adorable. Good stuff.

0:59:24 Tom: Uh That's great.

0:59:39 Eli: All before we go, important question, why is it wrong to call a childbirth a delivery? Because it's takeout. I

0:59:46 Thomas: I like that one, all

0:59:48 Tom: That's actually good, that was good, oh

0:59:55 Clip: Want to meet sexy DILFs in your area? Email the dads at DearOldDads.com or, better yet, send us a message on Patreon. You can follow us on all social media by checking the links in the show notes. And if you need more podcasts in your life, you can find Tom on Cognitive Dissonance, Thomas on Serious Inquiries Only, and Eli on Godawful Movies and all the Puzzle in the Thunderstorm shows. Dear Old Dads is edited and produced by my favorite DILF, Tom Smith, who also wrote and recorded the intro music, which is used with his permission. This podcast is a production of Daddy Issues LLC. Copyright 2022. All rights reserved.

1:00:34 Thomas: She said the person in the fucking, in the, uh, whatever the person, in what's the room. I don't know. Yeah. The person in the delivery room said, we're

1:00:39 Tom: Right delivery room

1:00:42 Eli: Also