DOD11: Should Chivalry Still Exist? Part 1

Transcript

This transcript was generated automatically and may contain errors — the audio is the record.

0:00:28 Tom: To Dear Old Dads, the podcast that absolutely refuses to trust the backup camera. I'm Tom Curry, and I'm joined as always by Thomas Smith and Eli Bosnick. Good afternoon, gentlemen.

0:00:36 Eli: HAHAHAHAHAHA. BOO!

0:00:40 Tom: Do you guys use the backup camera in your car? Do you like put the arm around the seat? Are you an arm around on the seat look back guy?

0:00:46 Thomas: The backup cam is such an innovation. I can't believe we ever didn't have it. It's the best thing of all time. When, when I accidentally somehow end up in a vehicle that doesn't have the backup cam, which I don't know, is like a carriage, you know, at this point I don't even know what it would be, a rickshaw that I get into, I look at the place where the camera should be and I'm like, why is the road not there? I don't understand. It's just like the fucking ashtray or something.

0:01:01 Tom: That's

0:01:11 Eli: Yep. Also, I don't know about you guys, but my body does not twist easily anymore, more so the whole fucking like turn your neck around like a, like you're gonna vomit pea soup and talk about someone's mother sucking cocks in it. So here's what happens when I don't have a backup cam, I'll be like, oh, okay, you gotta jump, I've I've

0:01:20 Thomas: Oh yeah.

0:01:34 Tom: What happens when you do have a backup camera, there's nothing different, Eli. I've been in the car with you

0:01:38 Eli: Never been a less responsible driver than when I don't have a backup camp, because I'm desperate for my body to get out of the, yeah

0:01:43 Thomas: Well, that's yeah. I've seen you be a pretty unresponsible driver. That's a big claim. I just want to say that's a bold claim.

0:01:48 Eli: I I ran over a baby carriage this week. And I'm telling you, so I was, I've told this story, but it's worth, so,

0:01:52 Tom: Jesus Christ what what holy

0:01:58 Thomas: All of a sudden we hear this call is coming from a correctional in New Jersey correctional.

0:02:02 Tom: Shit.

0:02:02 Thomas: He

0:02:02 Eli: I drive, so Marsh and Nicola, Michael Marshall and Nicola were visiting and they were up in Boston and then they had travel shit go down. Basically, they needed me to go pick them up in Austin. So, I drove up to go pick them in Boston, pick them and I drive back down, But here's the thing. Marcia and Nicola are safety conscious people. So I'm like, I'm going to be a good driver. I don't look at my phone.

0:02:02 Tom: What? No.

0:02:25 Eli: I don't t.

0:02:25 Thomas: Didn't extend this same courtesy to me, by the way, just, just FYI. I

0:02:28 Eli: No, I don't' t. I don'T look at MY phone. I stay relatively inside the lanes.

0:02:35 Tom: Relatively.

0:02:35 Eli: I drive the speed limit.

0:02:37 Tom: Relatively, relatively. Thomas, Smith.

0:02:39 Eli: What? I do the

0:02:40 Tom: We've

0:02:39 Thomas: Know I've, we Look, we've done a lot on Eli's driving, and lanes are optional to Eli. Like, I'm not even, this isn't even a bit. Like, he just I don't know if it was last year's New Jersey trip, Eli, or some, at some point you were driving, me, I was like, do you what, you're in the, you're over the line, you're driving like, like you're a monorail, and the lane line that goes in the middle of it like

0:02:40 Eli: Absolutely optional. Yeah.

0:03:01 Eli: Yeah. I drive over the center of the... Yeah, the little dots, that's what it's for, where I played Grand Theft Auto in, crazy taxi

0:03:07 Thomas: It charges your car, like it runs your car oh

0:03:09 Eli: Yeah so

0:03:11 Tom: I I will never forget when Cecil just straight up kicked you out of your own car to me, he's just like, get out, you're not parking this, you're not doing it anymore, just took over, just like absolutely took, oh, how did you hit a pram, dude, was

0:03:14 Thomas: That was the best that was the best

0:03:19 Eli: Here's the thing, so I, I make it the whole four hour drive, I'm a good driver, well, I'm relatively good driver for me, I'm an excellent driver, I drop them off at their hotel and I'm like, I did a pretty good job, and I'm moving forward to like see if they've made it into their hotel, okay, and I run over a baby carriage twice, not even like a one, I like, crunch crunch crunch crunch, no

0:03:31 Thomas: What how do you like it was just was there a baby in it yeah but

0:03:49 Tom: There a baby in that carriage I

0:03:52 Eli: There was not a baby in there but the woman was holding but let me tell you, as someone who's made a lot of driving fuck ups and has immediately jumped out to be like, oh, I'm so sorry, blah blah blah, I've never had a least, a less sympathetic response than when I just ran over someone's baby carriage I'm just saying, I've backed into a I ah there's the use I feel like you know this woman, yeah

0:03:54 Thomas: There could have been yeah

0:04:07 Tom: Mean yes, right, what it was in front of you in the front of you and you were going for what, how oh my god, you

0:04:10 Thomas: What the what you

0:04:25 Tom: Need a, not just a backup cam, but like a fucking front way cam

0:04:28 Eli: A front up cam and a sideways cam

0:04:29 Thomas: Need to not be allowed to drive, hold on there was, why was there a baby carriage in front of you without a baby, I don't under, I can't even fathom this

0:04:32 Eli: Yep absolutely so they were in a car, imagine that, it's like the, the little lane that leads up to the hotel, right they were unloading their stuff from their car in front of me, but the carriage, the stroller was a little smaller, so I like look in front of me, I don't see anything, and so I just, you know, turn and look and start to move forward and crunch crunch, I immediately Tom

0:04:39 Thomas: Uh -huh yeah, yeah, oh

0:04:48 Tom: Already, so

0:04:59 Thomas: No this is but

0:05:02 Tom: Some poor fucking family has their stroller on vacation, it's the only way to move their fucking shitty baby all around the wherever, they're trapped, and you smashed it

0:05:11 Eli: I immediately bought them a stroller, I'm not a monster, okay

0:05:16 Thomas: I want to know, like, were these people the cast of Final Destination, like for them, was this a, like, they almost died, their baby almost died thing, you know, like like

0:05:26 Eli: Yeah, absolutely, they all had a moment where they were like, oh man, our baby could have been in that stroller, and I was like, yeah, maybe, we could have put in that stroller, and here's the best part, they got, they were really angry and they were yelling, I was like, yep, validate that, I get it, because like there's no, there's no middle ground when you run over a stroller with both wheels, but then I was like, obviously, let me replace the stroller for you, there's a Babies R Us just up the street, because I know, where in New York we are like there's a Babies are up in the street, can I get you a new stroller, and they were like, obviously, and I was like, yeah, but you can't maintain anger for that long, so there was just this like, so you guys visiting New York for the, oh, you're still mad, okay, we'll just, just keep walking, and I

0:05:40 Thomas: No yeah wow Wow.

0:06:12 Eli: Had, I had one of my silly pug shirts on, and the little boy kept being like, do you like pugs, and I was like, I have a pug, yeah, I have a bug, and he's like, what's her name, and the parents were very clearly being like, we're mad, we're bad at this man you not stop being nice to him

0:06:23 Tom: This is a bad man Jimmy I

0:06:23 Thomas: This is a child murderer. Yeah. You should have been like, well, I had a pug, but I someone

0:06:30 Tom: Ran over it

0:06:31 Eli: But it was uh, it was in the front of the vehicle at the wrong time, it's

0:06:32 Thomas: Was unloading it in front of me, and I, yeah, I

0:06:38 Tom: Just amazed that somebody insures you to this day, that is the part

0:06:41 Eli: Pretty expensive it's pretty expensive, I, I'll tell you how bad my driving record is, we added my sister to my insurance this year, Mark, our rate went down, we added a 19 year old girl and they were like, all right, finally, oh on average

0:06:59 Tom: There's a chance that somebody else might be driving, this cut is right in half

0:07:03 Eli: Let

0:07:05 Thomas: Well this this took a turn, this was not, we didn't know we had like a felon on our show, like a murder, I was gonna say, before, and I'm not talking to Eli because I can't relate to your driving in any way, but Tom, as a fellow dude man driver, were you never the mirror backer upper? I was always the mirror backer up her fucking a love it

0:07:18 Tom: Yeah oh no, no, I'm a, I'm always the like the arm around the passenger seat twist back, I, even with the backup cam, I I can't I mean, I'll use it, but I, I still have, I have to give a look back, I have, have to do it, I can't, it's not that I don't, I kind of, I'm not sure, I gotta look back, I always, I've got at least I gotta twist for a second, gotta do it no, I'm not a mirror guy I

0:07:29 Thomas: No pride in myself oh my god that's wow that's I'm here to tell you you can let that go, you can get that, go along with the other elements of masculinity that we don't need

0:07:50 Tom: Hmm

0:07:50 Eli: It go also you can do stuff on your phone while you drive, Tom. Tom. You can. You can read stuff. You can watch stuff on Netflix.

0:07:59 Tom: Dear God. God.

0:08:00 Eli: It's fine.

0:07:57 Thomas: Oh my God do we have to start running this podcast by Andrew too. Geez, I didn't think we'd need to. Anyway, I can help you out, Eli, because I have a story that I this to be my last appearance on the show after I tell the story. I can't even. And has been mentioned here and there, we were all together, except Tom couldn't make it, unfortunately. Wish you could have. But we were altogether a puzzle crew. And for some reason, me, I don't, I still don't know why.

0:08:07 Tom: Know, I'm excited now. Oh,

0:08:14 Eli: Right. I'm ready.

0:08:23 Tom: I would have been great

0:08:28 Eli: Your puzzle crew, Tom.

0:08:29 Thomas: Eli sneaks me in on the, like behind the, you know, back, back entrance.

0:08:33 Eli: Don't think too hard about it. Your puzzle crew.

0:08:35 Thomas: And we were all in New Jersey, and my lovely wife Lydia got to come this time. I was so excited, I'm still happy about that, uh, was it, super cool because we always do really fun stuff and then I'm always like, I feel so bad that Lydia didn't, hasn't gotten to be included up until now, but she was, and it was great, and that's not the point of the story, it was fantastic weekend on

0:08:53 Eli: Lydia's a delight, by the way. Want to say that on the air. Lydia is a delight.

0:08:58 Thomas: Delightful enough for you to send her a friend request on Facebook, but that's, that's fine, but that's neither here nor there.

0:09:01 Eli: Nobody, nobody deserves to be my friend, I'm saving her, I'm helping her, truly.

0:09:09 Thomas: So that aside, our travel day back was the worst travel day of all time. I guess I've had some pretty good airline luck, but we had some terrible airline luck. And I don't want to go through the whole bad travel story. I could. I can yell about about it for 30 minutes, but I won't go through the whole story, I'll spare you guys that, I, so bad, oh, don't get me started, it was not my fault, okay, it Was bad, we, but basically, because of not our fault, our flight was missed, and puts us in another one. Fine. That one, um, fucking bullshit happened. We sat on the tarmac for 400,000 hours. Like we, we sat on a plane for four hours before we even took off. And, uh, I Um, my back hurts all the time. I have scoliosis. I've a bad back. I just, it always hurts. And airline flying is the worst. Like it it's genuinely, I dread it each and every time. Cause I sometimes just, I can't, I don't know who those fucking seats are

0:09:27 Eli: A dad podcast if you spend the entire time, and then the baggage claim yeah exactly

0:10:06 Thomas: Made for, but yeah.

0:10:08 Eli: You know how the, like, they have hostile architecture so that homeless people don't say, that they shouldn't have the spikes, they should put airplane seats all over the city

0:10:15 Thomas: The seats are so people don't sit in them. Yeah. Like, and it's not even, okay, they're small, that's okay, I get it, they're small, I will spring for the higher, like whatever you can get, like the leg room seats or whatever, I, back hurts so bad that I, I just count that in as an expense of me traveling, I'm like, all right, I have to pay for like the bigger seat, and I do it, but even then it's the fucking angle of the seat, it, don't know whose back is built like this, if it's just Eli and I, or what, but like the way the seat goes, it's a fucking C curve, like a crescent curve that curves into you, so like you're sitting like in that yeah exactly, because so then the lower part of your back wants to sink out away from you, and then the upper part has to hunch forward. I don't know who that's fucking built for. Anyway, so I have a set amount of time that I'm going to survive sitting. And we

0:10:17 Eli: Yeah yeah yeah exactly yep right we

0:10:49 Tom: What's the opposite of ergonomic, it's that, yeah yes

0:11:08 Thomas: Used up four hours of that without having moved. And it was the fucking worst.

0:11:11 Eli: Used four of the two hours that you're back at

0:11:15 Thomas: Exactly right. That is the better joke that I should have said. We use, I'm in the negative here. I'm just dying. Like, and we haven't even, there's nothing more infuriating. Anyway, this is not the point of the story. The point of story is that shit took so long for no reason. The flight that we missed, that was fine. That arrived great. It was all perfect. Would have been great. The people who got our seats, who weren't us on that, must have had a great time. Our flight that we got assigned to, four hours late. We miss our connection. They assign us to another connection. We missed, I think we, yeah, we missed that one. We got assigned another one. And because we got thrown around so much, our final connecting flight to get us to Sacramento Sacramento, is two bullshit seats that they just found, you know, like one's on the wing and one, you Know, just like fucking wherever, like, oh

0:11:16 Eli: Right technically one's the bathroom of the toilet, you gotta like let people squat between Your legs eggs

0:12:05 Tom: Okay now you, we got a seat for you, but you do have to serve coffee and drinks up and down them

0:12:10 Eli: Oh

0:12:11 Thomas: My God, that would have been so much better. I would have done that gladly. Give me something to do. They should let you do. You know what? Flight attendants should be volunteer job. I would do it.

0:12:15 Eli: Look they they have a flight attendant shortage and a pilot shortage, those jobs are easy and nobody's willing to talk about it, we've just solved the problem, oh really, I can't hand out peanuts

0:12:23 Thomas: Yeah. Cut to Eli running over several baby strollers, like on the plane, just fucking

0:12:31 Eli: Yeah hey, everyone listening to this podcast knows that I am identically good at at airline stewarding, as every airline stewart. Here, you ready? You can't fit your bag up there, you have to check it. I did it. I managed. I mastered the job.

0:12:46 Thomas: The reason our flight was delayed is Eli had run over a baby stroller and had to get out, like in the pilot, he's being pilot for a day, he has to get out and talk to the person, ah I gotta buy them a new stroller, you know, all that, so we're just sitting there while with the like airplane hazard lights on while Eli was out there, like, and anyway,

0:12:56 Eli: I ran over a bit. Yeah, exactly. Sidebar? Because I want to get to the rest of the story, but I want to take a sidebar about delayed travel. Is there anything more infuriating than the normalcy of when your flight is canceled or broken and no one will just go, oh no, the product you bought isn't here, it's the only thing in the world that does that in the world, right? You never sit down in a restaurant and they come over with two meals and the rest of them, they go, it's going to be about six hours but we still don't know, right? That never happens, right? If your fucking chicken piccata at the Olive Garden takes 16 minutes, there's a guy over there trying to give you a hando, but on an airplane they're like, look, we're going to put you on two, two different plates to Arizona. That's the best I can do. This is entirely normal. Like, what happened to that part of society that it's so shattered? It's the Roman college. Today you fight Graptha, the bear man.

0:13:18 Thomas: Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

0:13:59 Thomas: It's unreal. And because it's so bad, I was actually pretty grateful that we still were able to get home, because I would have, another unnecessary detail is we're trying to get back to get to this Fleet Foxes concert. That was a really special thing that we were trying to do. It was one we were both at 11 years ago. And, but we were with different people then.

And so the whole thing was like, oh, we're going to go to it again now, now that they're coming back to the same venue, but we'll be together now, in a super fun. Anyway, whole thing was like, that's why we couldn't take the nice direct flight. There was a direct flight available, which I always take because fuck this, that one was too late for the concert. So all of these contingencies just start getting more and more frustrating in your mind.

Like if we hadn't had to get back to concert, if we had just gotten fucking a lift ride within 30 minutes of calling for one, if they send us to the right fucking luggage line, if it's like all this shit just adds up, you know, and

0:14:47 Eli: I want to add one other piece of context, which is very important for this story. You will never find anyone on earth more polite to the world than Thomas Smith while entirely self-imploding at their incompetence. So like I'm when that lift driver was driving like up Mount Borneo, Thomas was like, oh yeah man, whatever you got to do, whatever you gotta do, brother, yeah brother, whatever you gonna do man, that's totally cool.

0:14:57 Thomas: That's actually true I

0:15:00 Tom: Oh

0:15:12 Thomas: Know, I just come on my podcast and yell about I don't want to be mean to a person, why would I ever be mean directly to aperson that's horrible, and so, uh, all that said, we get to this flight, we're finally boarding this final flight to get us home in time for the concert, still miraculously barely, it's gonna work out, except they've assigned us two made -up seats that aren't real on the plane and keep get, so we're boarding and I didn't even think of, we didn't consider that this would happen, it was like, oh, we're not together, we're sitting separately, and because it's the most bullshit seats in the world, it's two middle seats, two

0:15:13 Eli: I

0:15:45 Tom: Fuck

0:15:46 Thomas: Separate middle seats, and so we start boarding, and this is where, is this really, okay, remember that you, you appreciate me as a person and we've had good times together, so that's

0:15:57 Eli: Over a baby carriage at the beginning you're good Thomas we've, yeah

0:15:58 Tom: This has

0:15:59 Thomas: True remember that Eli ran over a baby carriage, so we, we start, uh, to, to the, where the seats are, and you know it's that horrible situation of you're like, what am I gonna fucking get into, like, who, who we're, it's two unknown middle seats, what's this, this going to be? We get there, and one middle seat is between two fairly normal people, guy one reading a self-help book, which is, it's always some guy in a plane reading a bullshit self-health book where you're like, what the fuck are you doing with that? Like, why do you, you really believe that?

0:16:29 Thomas: Do you read that? And you're Like, oh yeah, I do need to actualize my fuck. Isn't that weird? Anyway, side note. The, just intensely watching This Is Us, like she had her own tablet and was just staring, and this is where, while we're boarding, by the way, she's already set up with her tablet, like, this is us, she's like crying and I was like, okay, there's that seat, and then the other option was um, man who was shaped like an old-timey bomb, with you know the one, the black ones, he was somehow a circle, this man was this, he was a sphere, and and the

0:16:29 Eli: Yeah always mm -hmm yep mm -hm

0:16:57 Tom: Did

0:17:02 Thomas: Radius of which was halfway into the middle seat. And froze. I froze! I should have, obviously, obviously I should've been like, hon, sit.

0:17:05 Eli: Mm -him Tommy Thomas you didn't

0:17:13 Thomas: I froze, I froze because here's why, here's what, she's pregnant.

0:17:14 Eli: You did it, Thomas she's pregnant she's pretty Thomas we've already, yeah

0:17:20 Thomas: She's pregnant, she, I just, here is why, part of why I froze is because I'm the worst person in the world. But also, because you can't just sit there, these people are looking at you, by the way. So I'm like, my mind froze trying to do the calculation of like, whoa, what can I even say? It was like code names. I was like, oh, what am I allowed to say? Hey, I'll take the one by the fucking awful spherical man who's, bytheway, who's wearing a shirt with cutoff sleeve. Why do they do this? The cutoff sleeves where the hole goes down,

0:17:17 Tom: You admit it, holy shit, I forgot she's pregnant, oh

0:17:53 Eli: Absolutely

0:17:54 Thomas: You know, like the, so you can see his full pit hair, you now.

0:17:58 Eli: You can really get in that giblet

0:17:58 Tom: So Oh. Oh

0:17:59 Thomas: Really get in there. And my brain, I froze because I'm, I've been sitting for 12 hours today. I'm in immense pain. And I just, I, I didn't say you go in that one. I'll go in this. I just I froze. It was like some, you know, the old Holocaust thing where it's like, I din't, I did say anything.

0:18:02 Tom: No

0:18:16 Thomas: I, it is that bad what I did. And, and Lydia was like, okay. And she goes into that one and I was like I I I'm scrambling. I like, what do I do? What do I here? I I've I've, I

0:18:14 Tom: Oh yeah

0:18:15 Eli: Absolutely yeah yeah no because you you can be like no, no, no, honey, I'll sit next to the fucking human beanbag chair, oh no hon, I can smell him from here, you let me sit there

0:18:30 Tom: Yeah

0:18:35 Thomas: I oh oh I'm the worst person, but like, I didn't, the, also, here's the other thing. So, some mitigating factors, as much as I've described my difficulty with travel, Lydia is the inverse of me. She's a hundred percent fine at all times, can sleep instantly anywhere, and doesn't give a shit. So in my mind, I was trying to do all these calculations of like, Tom and Eli are going to to murder me for not taking the seat.

I already, I already was thinking about that, I was like, I have to tell them because this is shameful and I'm ashamed of it, but this is some, like, I understand making sacrifices for your partner, which I'm fully willing to do, but this is the kind of thing where if I had to sit in that seat, it would be the worst experience of my life that I would never recover from. If Lydia sits in that sheet, she passes out and doesn't know it even happened and So that's that's why I, and like, she is pregnant, though. It was a bad thing. I should have, I messaged her right when I sat in the seat. I was like, I will take that seat if

0:19:26 Tom: Okay.

0:19:28 Eli: Right.

0:19:36 Thomas: You want me. Like I, I, I will absolutely take that.

0:19:36 Eli: I'm in hell.

0:19:38 Tom: So every time she's gotta get up to pee and it's like, a how long is this flight?

0:19:39 Thomas: Oh, here's the other thing. She never has to be, she's the best traveler in the world. It's on, it's astonishing. And it goes, yeah.

0:19:47 Eli: She she just pulls one of the guy's flaps over her like a blanket and just, just, yum. Okay.

0:19:55 Thomas: Oh my God. I know I'm the worst. I honestly, those are all mitigating factors, but I accept I, the death penalty for this. I froze, I froze, and I didn't know what to say because they were looking right at me, and I should have said, here, I'll take the one by the fucking enormous, smelly, awful, disgusting, but he's looking at me, he's look, what do I say, like, uh, well, no, I'll do that, you know, I fucking, I froze, and she did it, and I, you know

0:20:18 Eli: Thomas, are you ready to feel better about yourself? I have been the giant, enormous, flappy. No.

0:20:19 Thomas: Yeah. No. You, you're, you are a third of the size of this person. This this was truly egregious.

0:20:28 Eli: No. Because wait till you hear my tail, wait till YOU HEAR MY TAIL. One time, Ann and I were flying together, got separated just like that, um, I'm on the aisle and she's on the, like, another aisle a little bit away, and everyone's loading in, and this woman comes and sit down next, next to me, and and I'm eating, right, because it's a day that ends in Y, and I'M EATING and I'm listening to my stuff, I have the the glasses that are also headphones and listening to my staff, and IIm eating and just sort of like spazzing out of nowhere, and I feel this like teeny tiny tap on my shoulder, and I turn, and I realize instantly that the woman next to me is pregnant, and iAm like oh hello, and like, I'm taking up a lot of the seat, I'm taken an arm rest more than I should, and I'm like, oh hi, and she goes, I'm so sorry, I get, um, a little nauseous, it's at smells, and I look down, and I am literally eating um pretzel bites, so I'm just wafting buffalo juice

0:20:30 Thomas: Oh, okay. Yeah.

0:20:49 Tom: You

0:21:25 Eli: Into this pregnant but here's the, but it gets worse, she goes, and I, I can hear your music, because you can't, the headphones are really good, but if you're right next to my head you can hear them. And I'm listening to like, fuck your dad, you piece of shit, motherfucker. I'm listening to myself or someone with my sense of humor. So this poor woman is just like, do you mind? But I just saw like her life flash before her eyes where she deeply and desperately wanted not to sit next to me. And thank goodness I looked up, and her husband was like, hey, I have a seat over here, will you switch? And I was like, yes, just let me. And I had to do the sloppy gathering. Let

0:21:25 Tom: Are a fucking monster now Now, is there

0:22:03 Eli: Me gather my buffalo and inflict myself on someone else.

0:22:08 Thomas: Several open sauces, like, on your...

0:22:11 Eli: Me get this jug of fire sauce I was drinking and bring it to my seat.

0:22:16 Thomas: Oh, thank you for deflecting, Eli. But no, I'm truly the worst. I'm truely the worst, and I know...

0:22:20 Eli: You are the, the fact that

0:22:22 Thomas: So, yeah.

0:22:22 Eli: You put your pregnant wife,

0:22:23 Thomas: Mm-hmm. I'm absolutely the worst I want...

0:22:24 Eli: This is your bent. This is your bend.

0:22:27 Thomas: I want, okay, but also, as bad as that story was, Eli, light you are not shaped like a circle, you are not literally a circle that goes into the other, it was incredible that this man, it was like Andre the Giant, it was, it was, he was so large and yeah, I froze, I hesitated, and here's the thing, I knew that you two gents are exactly the type of people that wouldn't have hesitated, you'd be like, "Oh, fucking," I'm sitting there and I know you're better than me in that way, but I wanted to talk about it because I think it's interesting that, like, Like, I also think that there's a tendency to go overboard on this very way, not me, nowhere near me, but like, there is also a, oh

0:23:07 Tom: An underboard? You're going underboard. You're like throwing people out of the fucking lifeboat of the Titanic. Like, I want the whole thing to myself. Fuck. I want some leg room.

0:23:11 Eli: Right.

0:23:14 Thomas: Oh, I got it. I got to tell you, as with all things, I a constant work of evolution of my, because I grew up with the worst example in the world.

World, my dad was the you know how Eli is with with an well actually both of you are with your wives, my dad was the inverse of you, like he was like whatever thing could be beneficial to him was the thing we were just doing no matter what in any situation ever, I'll tell you, you know I joke, um, we were out there, we would go to, I talk about McDonald's, I joke about my like love, love of McDonald's.

It's also a joke that like, I think a lot of people are elitist and pretend they don't eat at fast food restaurants when they obviously do. And so that's a bit of the joking I do from time to time about we fast went to McDonald's every single time we were out. Every time. It wasn't, oh, McDonald's is a place we go frequently because my dad likes it. No, no. My dad preferred McDonald's over every other place you could eat when you were out doing something,

0:24:19 Thomas: You know, softball tournament, fucking whatever we were at as a, you know, as a family. And so because that was his preference, we went there every single time. I'm, this is not an exaggeration, like that's the kind of guy he was. It was like, well, I like this thing, so, and then he, because he was such a, you know, like narcissist and a bully, it's like, yeah, and and obviously my wife likes it too, because I've decided. Yeah. So like, well, we yeah, no, every single

0:24:19 Tom: Jesus Christ.

0:24:31 Eli: Yeah. Right. Exactly. And we have to bring the kids because they'll call the cops if I don't feed them.

0:24:50 Tom: Three of

0:24:50 Thomas: Time.

0:24:50 Tom: You guys can all split a four piece. Fight for the last one.

0:24:53 Thomas: So that's what I come from. I come From the hardest, like turn over to the other side, whatever. If chivalry is a thing, this is like inverse shift, like just sell ultimate supreme supreme selfishness. And so I had to, I had to grow out of that instinct. I have to, and it's active work. It's every day is active work, but in order to do so, I don't cannot, think I can ever get to like the Eli final form. Like I just can't, I, I can get the best I can do is a little bit toward that. Like if, if there's a center of fairness, like between us of like, oh, what should, you know, who should do what in what situation, who Should sit next to the the fucking circle. Um, want to be like on that center of fairness, but slightly toward like, I will take the inconvenient thing, all things being equal.

0:25:37 Eli: You Want to sit next to the circle, you want. But you still want to pause.

0:25:40 Thomas: Oh, I know. No, here's the problem with the circle is that as I already said to me, that's an 11 out of 10 worst experience in my life to Lydia. That was like a two. She didn't care. And so that, I even messaged her and I was like, I, thing I said was like, I will sit there, like I just, I froze. I'll sit sit there. And she's like, nah, it's fine. And I was like, okay, thank you so much. Like, cause you know, and then like, you 10, 20 minutes into the flight, I messaged her and I was like, or no, it wasn't even that long, cause she was asleep. Fucking 15 minutes, I messager 10 minutes. And then I was like, I'm definitely going to tell Eli and Tom about this. Like just, you know, and, and here's, and to prove to you how little of a deal this was to her compared to me, she was like, oh, about what? Like the bad travel day. I was was like, about what, about about the circle, you're sitting next to that, I didn't, she didn't even know

0:25:43 Tom: Yeah, But see, that matters. Like,

0:25:52 Eli: Oh, yeah,

0:26:33 Tom: She

0:26:33 Thomas: I was talking about, that's like just give an indication of what's going on here, and to form, she fell asleep instantly in the flight and slept for most of it, like, you know, the only benefit of sitting next to a circle of of of, honestly, and I don't mean that like in a giant soft guy, she just passed out being, you know, yeah.

0:26:36 Eli: He took a handful of your hair because he thought it was spaghetti, Lydia. Come on.

0:26:56 Tom: Probably just cuddled up against him. Are you kidding me? She's like, it's probably the softest, happiest seat. She just like curled Up. Right, just snuggle into his mass.

0:27:02 Thomas: Involuntarily pressed against him. Yeah, exactly. So that's why that happened is because I knew how much fucking harder of a deal that would be for me than her. And, uh, I'm still the worst. I want to emphasize I'm still the worst.

But if, if it had been the opposite, if it was like, you know, something that would have affected her really badly and not me, like if it was a guy who stunk, the guy actually didn't smell, weirdly enough, if it was let's say it was like a seat far away and a seat, you know, where the other seat would have been totally fine and she was like, oh, this fucking guy stinks, I would be like, I will 100 sit there for you, like, no question, if it were something that affected her more, like us equally, but because it was something that like for me it would be the end of my goddamn life, I couldn't have even fit in the seat, like there's no way, it's unbelievable, how is that guy supposed, he should have to buy two seats, how, oh, what if he did buy the two seats, but then it was like, oh, to get

0:27:26 Tom: And

0:27:35 Eli: Yeah. Oh,

0:27:56 Thomas: You into this flight, yeah, yeah, and they're like, well, to get you into, well honestly, if you gave me the choice of stay in fucking Denver, Colorado for an extra night because you couldn't get a flight, or sit next to the circle in the seat that he had to buy next to him, I would take the second option That

0:27:56 Eli: And they took it away from him.

0:27:57 Tom: They took his extra seat, I'd be pissed if I was that guy, though. And I bought an extra seat and they fucking stuck somebody in it. You

0:28:13 Thomas: Must

0:28:15 Eli: They're they've taken they've taken my extra seat away before. I've lost I've lost my extra seat privileges.

0:28:21 Tom: Don't need an extra seat, Eli Bosnick.

0:28:24 Thomas: You're Not that big, oh,

0:28:24 Eli: I don't I'm not. So first of all, since Kevin Smith was forced to buy an extra seat, the too fat to fly thing, airlines are very conscious of that, they don't do that anymore, they don't make you buy two seats, but I will often buy an extra seat for my comfort and joy and very often they've come up to me and they've been like, right, so you have three tickets, how many people do you have traveling, and I've got to go like, they

0:28:33 Thomas: Yeah, well,

0:28:53 Tom: Do they buy your seat back from you then.

0:28:55 Eli: Always buy it back from me, but they're never, they never do, I always want them to do the cool thing you read in the news where it's like, eight billion dollars, this woman got nine billion dollars, what they do, and they get me every time, they'll be like, well, this woman, and then she's there, she's always fucking there, she's never there, when they were, they'll like, this woman is trying to get for her husband's heart transplant, do you think that we could transfer that seat to her, and we'll, we'll even refund you for your, and the woman looks at me and she's like, it's his birthday, and I'm like, yeah yeah, it's fine.

0:29:04 Thomas: Yeah, yeah, yep, yep, yep, yeah,

0:29:24 Eli: It's fine, but I'm fucking, I'm eating a bunch of buffalo pretzel bites while you sit there, woman.

0:29:23 Tom: You the worst, the worst, oh,

0:29:31 Thomas: But want to emphasize that this is zero percent fat shaming, this is airline shaming, they are not built for the size of humans now Yeah, and is built like an old-timey bomb with literally a sphere that takes up a good 50% of the seat next to him, no offense to that person, but he is utilizing at least 1.5 times of the thing that he should, and that should round up to two, and he should have to buy the seat next to him, that's how it should have to be.

0:29:36 Tom: Yeah, the the seats should be big enough for people, yeah, they should be fucking people-sized.

0:29:37 Eli: Yeah, We've all been on a bus, right? Don't cram you onto a bus. Have you ever been onto a bust? You could be a fuck it, you could beat Andre the Giant and you have plenty of room in a bus seat because it's you and three drug dealers who planned badly, right there. Like, yeah, man, spread the fuck out. You want that little upper thing where we put this? You can can have that too, we got TV still and everything, this cost a dollar.

0:30:24 Thomas: Oh,

0:30:25 Tom: I'm gonna give you an out, I'm to I really do. I don't think I would have done it.

0:30:27 Thomas: Oh, I'm surprised that I thought I really thought you guys were never going to be friends with me again like at this point. Yeah.

0:30:33 Tom: No, no. No. No no no. Here's the thing though. There's no way I would've done it if I was in your situation. I literally, in a million years, but, but, no no no, I disgusted by you as a person and I think that your moral character is now suspect forever. No, the

0:30:40 Eli: Yeah. Yeah.

0:30:41 Thomas: Step one you disgust me in every way and I never, I never want to see your face again, and you're horrible, but I deserve it, I deserve absolutely 100 Tom's dad would kill me on sight, right, like he would would actually throw a knife perfectly between my eyes, like just from seeing this

0:31:03 Eli: Oh, for sure, yeah, but he would have made Tom ride under the bomb guy, write an essay about how nice it feels to have that man's flaps covering your eye.

0:31:06 Tom: Expressionlessly too but but I you can't get off the plane till the essay's done.

0:31:19 Eli: You're Grounded, how am I grounded to the plane, you're grounded, grounded to the blend of

0:31:23 Thomas: Yeah

0:31:23 Tom: Well, never would have done that because in that same circumstance, is not Lydia right? In that seat would be a thousand times more miserable than I would be in that seat. I'm more of the Lydia traveler, so if I'm inconvenienced or uncomfortable or hungry or tired or whatever, like, I can just be like, yeah, I guess I'm just not gonna care. And then I'll just decide I'm like, I'm fine with it. Like, it's okay, it's fine. Or like, if I am all those things but then I look over and like Hayley is comfortable, then I'm like, yeah, all right, that's fucking where it's genuinely worth it. But in your circumstance, Lydia doesn't care, she's so sewed, and you knew, you knew she so would not care that you will have to explain to her why this was a problem.

0:31:33 Thomas: Yeah.

0:32:08 Thomas: Well I She did have to sit with a, with a guy halfway in her seat, she wasn't like in love with the situation, but

0:32:11 Tom: So But right But but a gesture has to mean something, right? In order for it to be appreciated, in order to matter.

0:32:15 Thomas: Yeah. Well A good point, and it's kind of what I wanted to talk to you, you guys about, which is, I, the idea of the obviously sacrificing for your partner. And I try to do that as much as I can, even though my whole, every, my psyche that had this horrible fucking example in my dad, my first impulse is always terrible. And which is why I feel so bad about what happened. My first impulse should have been get in the fucking seat. And then my wife should have like physically told me like, no, you're going to be miserable, I will go. That's what should have happened, you know, like, but so I'm the worst, but, um, do find it a little weird that there's part of this like masculinity thing that we men are expected to be like, exact, there's the old thing of the guy throwing his coat on the puddle, you know, for the, for the woman, remember that commercial or whatever the fuck that was?

0:32:43 Eli: Course.

0:33:03 Eli: Yeah.

0:33:03 Thomas: What that is the dumbest fucking thing I've ever seen in my life. It's so fucking stupid, I've hated that my whole life. You're taking a coat and you're putting it on a puddle, it doesn't do anything. She just steps on the wet coat.

0:33:03 Eli: That's the craziest solution ever

0:33:19 Thomas: It does.

0:33:18 Eli: Now it's just a wet coat

0:33:21 Thomas: It's not a life raft. And that it's that exact.

0:33:19 Tom: And then afterwards and afterwards it's her responsibility to clean the coat, she's got to to do the fucking laundry, so who wins?

0:33:29 Thomas: That's exactly the thing I mean, where it's like you are sacrificing a little bit for someone who's not even going to notice it. And then I I find stupid. Like I just, I honestly can't do that. And I never will, but I can make a meaningful sacrifice all day long. Like if, if at any point my wife would have been like, oh my God, I can't take this. I'd have been Like, get up. I'm going into the seat at any time. I can do this. At any point. Like,

0:33:37 Tom: Yes.

0:33:51 Eli: I love it because those, those weird moments you can see people who are doing chivalry and they have no idea why, so like before we started to record this episode we talked about possibly talking about chivalry, and Tom has an incredible uh letter to his boys about chivary, and one of my favorite lines from that is don't do the pulling the chair out thing at home because that's weird, don't be weird because I've witnessed so many times teenage boys being like, my lady, and she's like, I, uh, that's a lazy boy, you can't move it, do you, I'm on a couch and he's like

0:33:58 Tom: Oh God Just Grunting And shifting a bark charcoal lounger around the room.

0:34:28 Eli: A great example of this is, so occasionally Anna and I will do fancy food, right? And at fancy food, if you go to a fancy enough place, the waiter comes over and they pull their chair out for you and then they push it underneath you as you sit down, which my beautiful wife is capable of doing. But if you try to pull a chair out from me, my fucking crane-based system of lowering myself into a chair gets off. So they have to like shunt it into my knees and I collapse. Better tell my story, right?

0:35:00 Thomas: They have to pull out that little like triangle thing that the people, when in the movies, when they're in the hospital bed and they have to pulled up on that like triangle handle, they lower that from the ceiling like Well

0:35:07 Tom: Yeah.

0:35:07 Eli: Exactly. The gentleman prefer a ceiling fixture, or one of those beds that makes a super loud noise as it lowers down, no?

0:35:16 Thomas: But I, I actually wanted to ask you guys, and I know, uh, I've spent just more time with Eli, uh, um, you've been married, I don't think I've gotten to spend all that much time with you, Tom, since you married Hayley

0:35:27 Tom: No, I don't think any, I think you were at the wedding and that was it

0:35:28 Thomas: Yeah now I think about it, and so I've witnessed Eli be, again, the anti-me in this case, and I was just, I wanted to like ask you about that, like how do you see that in terms of your responsibilities as a partner or as a husband, I guess, and like I don't know what do you think about that, because you are absolutely the throw the coat on the puddle for Anna to walk and

0:35:29 Tom: Yeah yeah

0:35:49 Eli: Question Tom's throwing his coat into like human shit and blood Haley's not even walking that direction, she's just him, he's outside the front door waving his coat over room and

0:35:53 Tom: Yeah

0:35:59 Thomas: I'm there with Lydia being like, hey, why don't we talk about this, there's, you can walk that way and there's no shit, human shit there, and let's

0:36:06 Eli: It's my shit and blood, so that's the picture in case anyone's wondering.

0:36:12 Tom: I'm a huge believer in those gestures, a massive, like, tell you how much that stuff actually matters to me to do, I love doing that stuff, I really do, like I would, I would throw my coat on the puddle if it was like, like if that was really a thing, I know, no problem. Yeah, a hundred percent. Like there's no world where Haley would sit somewhere uncomfortable if I could sit somewhere uncomfortable.

There's never been a time that there's been the last piece of a food that I have ever eaten in five years, no matter if I haven't eaten all day. Like, there is no world where I am not absolutely joyfully happy to do those things for real. I, stuff matters to me.

I think about that as a sign of respect, as an expression of, I think all the time about, here's this person who today has to choose whether or not they want to continue to spend the rest of their life with me. And every day I feel like I should be courting my wife. Every single day I try to court my wife, and I don't think that I have missed a day in five-plus years.

0:37:23 Thomas: Get her on the line, no I'm just kidding, well

0:37:24 Tom: Yeah, she would tell you the same thing. I'm sure she would. I am confident she would, so really strongly in that stuff. It makes me feel good about myself. It makes me feel good about like the the amount of like attention and respect that I want reciprocated in turn, right?

I will also tell you, like I'm somebody who, like, I, I, to be treated with respect and affection and attention, and I only feel like I can ask someone to treat me that way if I at least treat them as well or better than I would like to be treated. So that stuff is, is absolutely like, it's essential.

I mean, I did, I wrote a whole blog post to my boys that told them, you'll be gentlemen, and will be gentlemen, and they will hold doors open, and they will close car doors, and it will pull seats out, and they will walk on the street side when they're walking with a lady. They will do all of those things, but they'll only do them as long as their gestures are appreciated or noticed or matter. I don't believe in pointless gestures, I do not at all. Pointless gestures are just, just weird and awkward, like

0:37:25 Eli: Now

0:38:25 Thomas: That's interesting, I see some of those things you described as pointless gestures, like, because maybe it's just my mindset, but like if somebody goes to do a thing that I can just do, that's not even hard, I fucking hate it, like forget all the relationship dynamic anything like if I'm like, oh oh man if, if I'm gonna go like, um, oh man, let me, me Let me think. Yeah, like door holding, I absolutely hate it. I would rather just, I will handle the door, like, well, let's follow whatever the flow is. I'm not saying if you're already there and the door's open, that's fine, that's one thing, but if it's the like someone's having to put themselves out to open a thing for me or do anything like that, and I get that it's different because I'm a dude and there's, you know, gendered stuff going on, but even still, like I just, I resented a little bit and and stuff like

0:38:38 Eli: Interesting door

0:38:41 Tom: Give me an example, what do you mean, what

0:38:46 Eli: Holding

0:39:11 Tom: Yeah.

0:39:11 Thomas: A car door, if put myself in Lydia's place, and this could genuinely just be some sort of difference in mindset or what, if someone opened a car door for me, I'm like, I can open a fucking car door. Like, I don't need you to do that for me. That's how, like, my method of trying to figure out, because I was raised as a goblin, what is fair and what's good is I go, okay, put myself in that person's mind. Mind. And like, okay, in can open a car door. I I don'T need to do like, if I did, I would find that kind of belittling in a way. And so I don't, I don't t do that.

0:39:32 Tom: Oh.

0:39:44 Tom: No. Way. Yeah, no way. I so it, I will push on you on that, I I Yeah, it's not about need, like need is the wrong way to think about that. Like, I don't need my partner for much of anything. Like, I want my partner in my life. Like, I've got all the bases of my life covered. That's not why someone is in your life. It's not to fill a pragmatic requirement. Here's a list of things I can't do and you can, and so that's why you're here. You know what I mean?

Need is the wrong way, I think, to think about those gestures. Those gestures are, in my mind at least, those gestures are a way to say, in this moment, even though this is totally unnecessary, unnecessary, the fact of it being unnecessary is what makes it a kind gesture.

It's what says, like, I'm paying attention to you, I'm seeing you right now, I'm trying in this little inconsequential moment to show you that I am willing to make your life just a little bit easier or simpler, or to just, like, paying attentionto your comfort, and a woman can open a door, like, but like, there's literally nothing I can't do that I need my partner to do for me, that's never the point of a kindness. The point of kindness is the demonstration of their value, the point. The point is the point to any kindness.

0:39:49 Thomas: Oh, feel free. Yeah.

0:41:06 Thomas: I know. I think that it's just a question of where we draw the line on that meaninglessness part, you Know? And I think that's all it is. I broadly agree agree. And there's plenty of things I, and I don't do it enough, like 100%, I'm on myself all the time and don't doing it enough, that I proactively try to do things for Lydia to take things off her plate, you know? Um, proactively do it. Yeah.

I make her coffee every morning and I bring it up to her, and it's, you know, there's lots of stuff like that, that like I should be doing more of, but there's a, there of thing that for whatever reason to me feels so so minuscule that it's like annoying, like the, like the effort of it is kind of like, all right, making a big show of a thing, rather than, and and there's, I'll be honest, Tom, and and I think that I'm like fully um board with us just kind of having a different mindset on this, and I'm not trying to like change your mind or anything, but for me I do think there's a part of it where in the 20 fucking first century, some of this stuff, not all of it, but like some of the stuff stuff I think is a bit of like pedestalling, where women on a pedestal in a way that like I think we're equal now. Like, Lydia it has a fucking badass

0:41:11 Tom: Yeah. Yeah. Oh,

0:42:15 Thomas: Career, she's amazing at her job, she's a full, like it feels a little belittling for me to be like, but I still need to be the one who's doting on you and doing all these things that you surely can't manage yourself with your tiny feminine hands or something, you know? Like, it just, it feels unequal to me. Like, it, it feels kind of, yeah.

0:42:17 Eli: Right. Yeah.

0:42:33 Tom: Man.

0:42:33 Eli: Was gonna say, it depends so much on your partner, right? Because, like, so a great example is like offering your arm is such an amazingly lovely gesture, but my wife fucking hates it, because, my, so my wife is almost always playing music in her hands, right, she's almost always doing some kind of, like, finger pattern for violin or something, or she's working out music, so what I do is I, I used to lock her arm, because I'd be like, Anna, and and we were first dating, so she was like, oh, thank you so much, because I was doing a nice gesture, and then we would get like of like, oh my god, let go of me, let go of me, oh my god, also I'm just covered in sweat at all times, she's just, she's just leaning against carpet that is after a flood.

0:42:36 Tom: Yeah.

0:42:51 Thomas: Oh, that's awesome. Same.

0:43:17 Thomas: You're like, here, I'll put a jacket on the sweat puddle that I made. On me.

0:43:17 Eli: Right. I'll put a jacket on me. So I also think it very much depends on your partner. There's also ones that, like, it's not that I don't do them because I don't care, it's that I don't understand them. So, like, the driving on the walking on the car side thing, my dad my dad was huge about that, is it is it, so that if a car comes up on the curb, you're the one who dies, I

0:43:39 Tom: Yeah.

0:43:36 Thomas: Oh, no, I do that. Yeah, me too. Absolutely. Oh, so Tom, I'm all on board with that one. And I 100%, especially since Lydia is pregnant, I'd do that all the time. That If one I a hundred percent do.

0:43:44 Tom: Yeah. It Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. We're the same, it's, it what you're doing, Thomas, is just reading the room, in the sense of what Eli's describing, in the sense of like what your partner likes and appreciates, it's the same thing, okay?

0:44:04 Thomas: I think that if, um, were to step into my shell for a day, I bet you there'd be a bunch of things you do that Lydia would really appreciate. I, there'd be a number of these things, probably not all of them, but like there'd would be a number of them where she'd be like, oh, you, you're feeling fucking like every movie where the person has the complete change of heart over, oh, what's gotten into you, Thomas, oh

0:44:26 Tom: What's gotten into Thomas, oh, he let me come first.

0:44:27 Eli: He Doesn't

0:44:30 Thomas: There'd be, oh, wow, oh, hold on, I will not have this at all be represented, oh, my

0:44:31 Tom: Whoa.

0:44:37 Eli: Let Lydia come at all, and that is the official position of of the Dear Old Dads podcast.

0:44:44 Thomas: This is a whole different ball game, don't even want to fucking allow that as a joke premise. Fuck off.

0:44:49 Eli: How did you guys like the chivalry episode? Well, Thomas announced himself as a power bottom halfway through with like a pretty heavy service kink. So I'd say it took a turn. You

0:45:05 Tom: Something though, that, like, I actually laughed out loud about that, I want to to go back to, which is like, women are equal now in the 21st century, and that that's just the, like, another point of this

0:45:15 Thomas: Well. Not what I said, I said like my wife and I should be on equal, like, we're kind of like equal standing is all, like within the relationship I

0:45:17 Tom: Yeah but like I mean I you know, when I, it's funny because I've had this conversation

0:45:24 Thomas: Didn't declare the wage gap dead, I just want to be very

0:45:25 Tom: No No, I know, I know, and I, but yeah

0:45:28 Eli: Have the vote now and everything, they're fine.

0:45:30 Tom: Well, don't know, I don't t know because I've had this. And I will say, interestingly, the only people that ever object to it on these sort of equality grounds are always men. I have never encountered a woman who's been like, yeah, I feel actually belittled by this. I actually feel like patronized or pedestaled by this, like I've never encountered a woman who actually felt that. It's not to say there aren't any, but I've ever encountered anybody who has not enjoyed these gestures. And to your point, you think like maybe Lydia might enjoy them, they cost so little, like that's the other thing, is that they cost, they nothing to do.

0:46:12 Eli: Here's my question, and Tom, as a fellow chivalrer, and Thomas, of course, as well, what's the worst you've had one of these gestures go wrong, because I don't know about your guys's experience, but I have gotten these wrong so many many times, oh, I will tell you, yeah, the best one, and the most obvious one, is I broke my high school girlfriend's nose, and literally changed the shape of it forever.

0:46:23 Tom: Like In what way? You Go big or go home on this shit, Eli Bosnick.

0:46:39 Thomas: See I was trying to park a car and she had her nose in front of it, oh, my

0:46:43 Eli: Opening opening a door for her, and she's And she, to this day, she has a bump in her nose that is from the moment because I, I flung, here's what I pictured, here's what I figured, I was going to fling the door open and then do like a little hand gesture, like, "my lady," but what actually happened is I opened a door as hard as I physically could into the bridge of her nose.

0:46:49 Thomas: God. Oh

0:46:49 Tom: Jesus.

0:47:12 Eli: And it it was, wait, it gets better. It was one, a very fancy restaurant. Two, Two, the night of junior prom. Three, exploded blood all over a dress that she had only been able to rent and then ended up having to buy. And four, and this is where chaboy, I instantly started laughing hysterically and could not stop laughing to help her. So it was like, m 'lady, what? Ah! Ha ha ha! Ah ha ha ha.

0:47:12 Thomas: No oh wow

0:47:12 Tom: Jesus oh god oh holy shit I I

0:47:50 Thomas: See and that's why you never try to do anything for your partner

0:47:57 Eli: But no, Tom, you've never had a gesture go wrong?

0:47:58 Tom: Don't know that I have any I'm trying, I know, what I will say, like, on the quickly, as an aside, on the subject of doors, I am not allowed to, like, whenever there's a revolving door, I always, Hayley always goes first into the revolving door, and then I always follow, but we, we have a very strong rule now that I am not allowed to push the revolving door until

0:48:23 Eli: She's just spinning around with the centrifugal. Yeah, Tom.

0:48:26 Thomas: Shit's going too slow, fuck this asshole in front of me speed up, yeah, no, oh my god, they're always going too slowly I

0:48:29 Eli: Motherfucker.

0:48:28 Tom: Until she, I, I am, I I'm not allowed To push the door until she's fully out and exited the door at all because

0:48:37 Thomas: Think that's happened to me as well. Oh,

0:48:41 Tom: I'll, yeah, I've, I've, I've pushed the door with some vigor, uh, in the past. No,

0:48:48 Eli: And then she's just trapped in there for a while.

0:48:50 Tom: I, I have made it awkward, I know for sure, like, I fucking, like, there's... there's times where like I have made it awkward accidentally, like when I, I don't think anyone had ever like just opened doors for Hayley as a matter of course, and so when you first start doing that, standing on the wrong fucking side of the hinge, don't all the all the time just it's

0:49:10 Eli: Right. She's standing next to you like, who we open this door for?

0:49:14 Tom: Just

0:49:13 Thomas: God not related but isn't it amazing how little sense kids have of these fucking things? God, oh wait till they

0:49:18 Tom: Oh, kids have no idea. As far as kids are concerned, every door is just a gull wing. They have no ideia.

0:49:22 Thomas: Just Just go to the wrong side. Somehow they have the exact inverse, that they know to go like, oh, I'm clearly going to open this door. We do this every day. We do the same thing. We do it every day, Phoebe. I open the door. No, I don't really yell at her like this. But in my mind, it's like Eli said, I do absolutely nothing. I'm going to go over here, sweetie. But in mind, I go every fucking day.

0:49:27 Tom: Yes.

0:49:41 Thomas: I open it from this side and the door doesn't change. I didn't re -hang it in the middle of the night to be the opposite side that it is every fucking day. It's weird. They always do that.

0:49:40 Eli: Absolutely yep just putting their face and their finger, just whatever their most sensitive body parts are, just right in the hinges

0:49:57 Thomas: Oh, they also silently love to follow you. Oh my God. Have you had that? Because Max, Max moves around. They silently get behind me when I'm in the kitchen doing whatever. And I just, I know now, like I can't every time.

0:50:00 Eli: Yes yeah

0:50:09 Tom: I just destroy them.

0:50:11 Thomas: Oh yeah. Every time I turn around now for the rest of my life, I turn around in place without moving and then have to see in front of me. It sucks. It's added hours to my schedule.

0:50:12 Tom: Yeah.

0:50:19 Eli: Yeah. You're in like a two-dimensional platformer at all times. The other thing is my son loves to hug and kiss me while he follows me and of course you can't hug and kiss someone without putting your entire body weight against the back of their legs so that you will fall directly to the floor should anyone be so foolish as to try to move at all. So what I have to do whenever my son catches up to me, by the way, he also sometimes bites me on the ass, so that's a fun surprise, is you can't move, but if you don't move he might bite you on the fucking ass.

So I have hold perfectly still, and what I do now is I crumple to the the floor like a southern debutante fainting and then just like turn as I crumple into the fetal position around my son because that's the only safe way to move from where I was so I could basically envelop him much like that man enveloped your wife as she slept on an airplane. I also it's exactly that thing where you can't you can't like roast them so I have this thing I say and it drives drives my mother insane. I say, "Be careful with your body," right? Is what my brain does instead of get the fuck out of my way, dude. Like

0:50:25 Thomas: Yeah. Yep.

0:51:34 Eli: You, you can't say that to your son. I see in his eyes, he's like, God, tell me to get the fucking out of your way. Watch how fast they do heroin. I got heroin right in the other room underneath my animal letters. So I'll be like, careful with my body, buddy. But that means that my whole life, I'm just walking around being like careful with body, careful with you. It's like he's borrowed a human suit. Like we're shitty shitty aliens.

0:51:33 Tom: My My Eight

0:51:55 Eli: And I need to keep reminding him that, you know, this one's a rental.

0:51:55 Thomas: Yeah yeah yeah that's all of toddlerhood

0:52:01 Tom: -year -old. Will come in the kitchen all the time to give me hugs, and I'm like, dude, I've got knives in here. Knives! Like, what do you do? Like, no, no, no, hugs in the kitchen. I don't love you when I'm in the kitchen. Oh.

0:52:01 Thomas: Yeah

0:52:20 Eli: Right gentlemen before we go important question what is the most condescending bear a panda I'm

0:52:33 Tom: Oh. That was actually really bad. Oh, embarrassed you said that.

0:52:41 Eli: Stronger now who's

0:52:46 Thomas: That's all the time we have this week. A fun discussion. There's even more about chivalry in part two coming next week. Already have that if you're a patron. Sorry to rub it in, but you would. So you could check out patreon.com/ Dear Old Dads and get access to bonus stories this week, Tom's boys want to get into some trouble and this story ends up with Eli and and I role -playing as Tom's kids. It's a ton of fun, as I always say. Go check that out. If you haven't heard that July bonus that is our dad fails, you are missing out. And there will be another bonus in August because that's how months work. So all that on the Patreon. But if you can't pledge, that is A -OK, 100%. We get it. In this economy, we understand. So keep listening. We love you so much. We love interacting with you. You can join that Facebook group. You can, you email us, signal to us on the internet, whatever. We love having you as listeners. Please share the show and we'll see you next week.

0:53:50 Clip: Want to meet sexy DILFs in your area? Email the dads at DearOldDads.com or, better yet, send us a message on Patreon. You can follow us on all social media by checking the links in the show notes. And if you need more podcasts in your life, you can find Tom on Cognitive Dissonance, Thomas on Serious Inquiries Only, and Eli on Godawful Movies and all the Puzzle in the Thunderstorm shows. Dear Old Dads is edited and produced by my favorite DILF, Tom Smith, who also wrote and recorded the intro music, which is used with his permission. This podcast is a production of Daddy Issues LLC. Copyright 2022. All rights reserved.

0:54:29 Eli: You guys, I'm texting you videos of me licking her toes clean right now. And you tell me I'm missing even one little piggy. They

0:54:34 Thomas: That's

0:54:39 Tom: Yeah.