November 2025 Bonus!

Transcript

This transcript was generated automatically and may contain errors — the audio is the record.

0:00:00 Thomas: Podcast listener. Episode you're about to hear was supposed to be a patron only bonus. However, it was just too good. We thought in the spirit of the holiday season, why not give to everybody? So we wanted to give everybody the November Patreon only bonus, if you like what you hear, keep in mind, you're missing this every single month. If you're not on patreon.com/Dear Old Dads. Right. Ready to hear the hardest Eli and I have maybe ever laughed. And Tom too, but he always, Tom always laughs a lot. It's It's kind of what he does, so.

0:00:30 Clip: I'm the cool dad. That's that's my thing. I know now what I can offer you that no one else can I'm a man. I'm sensitive. I need to feel loved. I need to be desired is the only part of being a father that I enjoy

0:00:55 Tom: Welcome to Dear Old Dads, the podcast that's a real doll. I'm Tom Curry. I'm joined, as always, by Thomas Smith and Eli Bosnick. Hello, gentlemen.

0:01:05 Eli: Hello podcast listener were you a little bummed out and sentimental after listening to last week's episode well don't you worry or well hey more importantly sorry to break into my own bit with a bit if you listened to last weeks episode and you were like well that's a great show about fatherhood and manhood hon I want you to listen to the next episode I found this new podcast called Dear Old Dads and after listening actually thomas baking into my own bit about my own bit I have a third bit I would like you to and I need you to really think about this I would like you name last week's episode fucking the shit off nancy reagan's tits and I'll tell you why I I need everyone who comes to our show not to listen to that episode and think that's what what our podcast is. I need them to know who we are and I need them to know that this, this episode right here

0:01:30 Thomas: You're jimmy stewart oh a third bit holy shit okay all right is actually

0:02:02 Eli: Is gets made.

0:02:02 Thomas: It I'm not doing that but yeah

0:02:07 Eli: Gentlemen, do you know the only thing worse than the sentimentality, the wishy -dang washiness of last week's episode? Why? The auto -ads interrupting your podcasting experience like a penis between Nancy Reagan's tits. Hey, hey, just checking in with me. I don't know what I did as a person to come to that sentence but I think I fucked up and I think we should start over, just from me I think I should be a baby, I think I should goo goo gaga hey, I'm in psychosis, but you don't have to be over at patreon .com forward slash droll dance, where you'll get a commercial free version of every single episode, it'll hear you it'll heal it'll heal heal heal heal

0:02:46 Thomas: Heal your psychosis cure your psychos every time the same spot in the show what what is it about this spot in said a

0:02:59 Eli: I was doing great until you said a word and then then I needed to say

0:03:02 Thomas: Few words yeah you're right no one talk on this podcast podcast I don't

0:03:06 Tom: Not like you don't like shilling, you know, shilling isn't the problem. I don't know why this is the problem,

0:03:10 Thomas: Think that's it yeah yeah

0:03:11 Eli: Rip into it all right now podcast listener as you know we like to surprise thomas by which I mean thomas doesn't read our slack and

0:03:29 Thomas: I said okay what's the thing should I read it you said no you

0:03:32 Eli: Today hot and fresh we got one of our best listener questions fucking ever

0:03:38 Thomas: Even better than last time because that one was fucking fun

0:03:41 Eli: Every sentence of this look I was a serious shakespeare scholar at least in my own mind at one point and I have not applied more attention to detail to any of his plays than I did to this email tom would you please walk us through this it's

0:03:57 Thomas: I can't wait here we go this

0:04:00 Tom: You get these emails and then you realize like you're the guy who's gonna read them and then that's your voice just like out there forever now saying these words and

0:04:11 Eli: My new voicemail message

0:04:12 Thomas: This is a great sales job I I can'T fucking wait wait.

0:04:15 Tom: Here we go uh nobody signed this by the way so no no sign I recently discussed the idea of getting a sex doll to my parents I am too afraid to really explain it to them mostly because I don't know how to explain it they seem to be open about the the idea but I don't know I'm curious what advice you guys are going to have for me but I'm just curious what are your guys thoughts are on the prospect of buying sex dolls there's there's lots on pack here guys there's and I'm

0:04:43 Thomas: Unsigned from anonymous, huh?

0:04:44 Eli: So here's what I promise you listener who very kindly wrote us this email to the dads at dearolddads.com first of all if you have an email like this or you have a question like this you must send it to us immediately because we will keep it anonymous and this is what we made this podcast for is to have conversations like this one there you go the dads at dear old dads .com.

0:05:03 Tom: Glad heath has a safe place to send these like I feel good like heath thank you buddy

0:05:08 Thomas: Can imagine Heath not living in the same house as his sex doll. He won't move in with it. Yeah.

0:05:13 Eli: Need more room for activities.

0:05:16 Thomas: He rents an apartment for his sex doll, not now.

0:05:18 Eli: Here's, I promise to actually answer your question at some point during the episode, but what I need to happen now medically is I need Tom to go through this email again, and I need you to stop him and talk about the implication of every single sentence.

0:05:33 Thomas: Say?

0:05:33 Tom: Okay well I wanted to do the same thing I wanted to do same thing let's start with the first sentence I recently discussed the idea of getting a sex doll to my parents

0:05:40 Thomas: On. Do the pentameter, because it's a key to, you know the ambic pentameter you have to I recently discussed that's it really gives you a lot of the meaning oh

0:05:50 Eli: To tell you something podcast listener and this is going to be hard to hear but I need you to take this in with an open heart and an open mind your parents would rather you came into the room and stabbed them both to death with a kitchen knife than have that conversation that you had with them that is I want you to know the whatever your dad was I don't care if he's a vietnam veteran who fought his way out of the trenches with a teeth and a child soldier that's the worst thing that's ever happened to him you were his baby he held you in his arms and he whispered songs to you and you fell asleep and he knew what it meant to be human and then you walked in and you were like I was thinking I would buy a big hunk of plastic to come inside thoughts and he is the fact that your dad isn't dead means he's a fucking superhero you understand that there the

0:05:51 Tom: Take

0:06:16 Thomas: Man

0:06:50 Eli: Factthat there wasn't a happening -esque suicide instantly by every member of your households including the dog is a miracle it's a jesus in the toast level level miracle.

0:07:06 Tom: All. Uh, just say this. You be too sex positive, you you could just take it like a little too far. I my kids to have rich, happy, fulfilling sexual lives, solo and partnered. And I don't want to know the details of any of those experiences, any of those experiences. I want to no none of it. I want no the exact same level of detail about my kids sexual experiences that they want to about mine, which is zero. That is zero zero what world is somebody living in where they're like I should get a sex doll that'd be it would be kind of awesome to fuck a sex I should ask mom what I

0:07:37 Eli: It needs to be zero. Okay. Okay. So here's This is why I had you read the whole email first. The implication of this email, and correct me if you disagree, because if it's not this, it's fucking insane.

0:07:56 Tom: With everything in this email yeah

0:07:58 Eli: But correct me, if this is an incorrect assumption. The assumption here is that this person lives with their parents.

0:08:04 Thomas: Has to be yeah of

0:08:05 Eli: Because if you If you don't live with your parents and you still ran buying a sex doll by them.

0:08:05 Thomas: Course that would be really funny

0:08:10 Tom: I don't care no no if I lived with my dad and I wanted to get a sex doll first

0:08:13 Thomas: Make a long distance phone call to them hey I was

0:08:19 Eli: Dad there? Put him on speaker.

0:08:21 Tom: Thing would be in the attic like my dad would not know I that thing would get delivered on a day he was at work I I bring it in I'd uncrate it or whatever

0:08:27 Thomas: And and if they saw anything you'd say it was a dead body like you killed somebody

0:08:32 Tom: Hundred percent I'd be like I fucking killed jim that's what I did dad I killed I'm actually fucking jim's corpse I am fucking jims corpse there alternative, and hear me all the way out here, listener, is just don't get a sex doll.

0:08:36 Eli: At least it's not a sex stall. Still better. Love you.

0:08:38 Thomas: That's still better still better

0:08:49 Tom: Like, you could just not do everything that you want to do.

0:08:48 Eli: Is the alternative. We're going to talk about that at the end. Talking about that. At

0:08:54 Tom: That's a possibility, right?

0:08:55 Eli: The end, I need to move on to sentence number two because I have a lot of questions.

0:08:59 Tom: Feel like there's still a lot of stuff in sentence number one, but okay.

0:09:01 Eli: Take me to sentence number two time yeah

0:09:03 Thomas: Interrupted make sure you got the all the sentence number one is just the fact that the parents that's all just making sure okay yeah,

0:09:08 Eli: Parents period

0:09:10 Tom: But it's disgust, the idea. Like, I got to stop there. I'm sorry. You disgust the idea? How do you broach that conversation? Conversation. Do you do it like, like you kind of like throw a joke out there like, hey, you know, you don't, I don't have on my Christmas list. This a fuckable real doll. Hey, for real though. How do you broach that subject with your parents?

0:09:19 Thomas: For dinner or yeah. You know, my allowance payment is coming up and to

0:09:34 Tom: Literally how? Literally really how okay

0:09:36 Eli: Read a sentence too because this this is a part of it this is a part of it okay

0:09:40 Tom: I'm too afraid to really explain it to them mostly because I don't know how to explain it what do

0:09:46 Thomas: Explain it.

0:09:47 Eli: You had a conversation that you feel wasn't explicit enough but did Did communicate.

0:09:48 Tom: You mean really thank

0:09:52 Thomas: So you're like, we're just going to be friends. Friends yeah to

0:09:55 Eli: Yeah. What did you say that you think went unsaid? Because when you say, I'm thinking of buying a sex doll to your parents, if feel like there are factors in there that they might not have understood, that's cruel and unusual punishment. That's the eighth of it.

0:10:00 Tom: You what

0:10:04 Thomas: Explain it baffling yeah that's amazing I don't know what that means but it's incredible whatever it is I I love it no

0:10:18 Tom: You know mom dad I mean it's like it's Like a fleshlight but like you can't grab a fleshlights fake tits you know so like I'm obviously, mom, you get it. You get it, right, mom?

0:10:29 Thomas: But like so what are we to believe what did happen because again is it like well it's just for a friend. They have a just friends one. Like they just have a, I

0:10:32 Tom: What?

0:10:37 Eli: Or they were like, I'm going to be ordering something to the house that's in, I'll say it, a coffin. And I would appreciate it if that remained private to me.

0:10:49 Tom: I would like something that has all the trappings of past life, and I want to fuck that. That's the thing that I really want. Mom, you seem to be turning away. Mom, mom. Okay. Am I out of the will, mom ? Okay.

0:11:04 Eli: Okay, Tom, thank you so much for bringing that up because, but

0:11:06 Tom: Can plug them in and they get kind of warm mom they

0:11:10 Eli: See, that's the thing, Tom. Because now that brings us to sentence number three, which may be the most baffling sentence of all no

0:11:18 Thomas: Know. That one was pretty good. I don'T, I DON'T see,

0:11:20 Eli: Take us to sentence three tom okay

0:11:22 Tom: Seem to be open about the idea but I don't know I'm curious what advice what they seemと be open

0:11:30 Eli: The rest is just hey what do you guys think they

0:11:32 Thomas: Would Think this is A prank, but it's too good. Like, how would you think of these sentences? You

0:11:36 Eli: Seem to be open to the idea what what

0:11:45 Tom: No just stop there eli eli just stopthere what

0:11:49 Eli: Could they first of all what could they possibly have said that because here let let me dissuade you of any Any, let me dissuade you of any illusions right now. They're not okay with it. They're the least okay with that they've ever been with anything. The war crimes we are committing in the Venezuelan coast, they are more okay with than they are okay with you having a sex doll. So what I want to know, because I'm picturing groovy parents, right? Parents, real parents, people who love their kid and their kid. Who's probably late teen, early 20, comes to them and they want to be sex positive, I want to know what sentences they managed to say that left you with the idea that they are open to you

0:11:53 Thomas: I know. Gave me consent, but was it enthusiastic consent? I DONT know that

0:12:41 Eli: Having a sex doll.

0:12:41 Thomas: They seem to be. Yeah. Man, that's an incredible sentence. You know what? I doubted you but you're right that is more incredible that that's the most incredible one what could that mean I but

0:12:51 Tom: I have to mean that they weren't just like okay you got to live somewhere else do you say I don't even know what I would say if one of my kids was like dad I want to get a sex doll

0:12:58 Thomas: I know it's hard I can't even explain all the thoughts that I'm having I don't I mean the whole package Tom what what does it mean to be this writer this author and express the idea of eh they seem to be into it but I don't know like so

0:13:14 Tom: What do they want to fuck it too

0:13:14 Thomas: You're what

0:13:14 Eli: But my dad was crying so hard. Okay,

0:13:15 Thomas: Yeah like like what response did you need and what did you get and now like the here's the thing it's already done the thing is done the thing that like if you were gonna do this horrible idea of talking to your parents about a sex doll you've ripped the band -aid off and then you're like like you're like I don't know I might put it back on and rip it off again or something or like it wasn't you've already done it

0:13:44 Eli: Thomas, you bring up a really important point, which is that if you had this conversation and do not get a sex tall, how many months go by before your dad comes into your room and he's like where is it your

0:14:12 Thomas: Didn't end up doing it I just didn't And then a single gunshot.

0:14:28 Eli: Mother cried so hard she threw up

0:14:30 Thomas: He leaves.

0:14:30 Eli: Where the fuck is it I went to therapy I'm in therapy for three and a half months your mother and I are getting a divorce where's the doll

0:14:42 Thomas: For the first time in my life. I just want to see it. I just wanted to see this thing. I might as well see it, I might as well know what it is. I might know what race it is, I don't know, I might as will know.

0:14:54 Eli: I want to I want I want to look into the eyes of the doll

0:15:03 Thomas: You say, well, nah, I just, you know, I didn't think you guys were that into it.

0:15:04 Eli: That destroyed my...

0:15:24 Tom: Well, I to tell you I'm going to need the dishwasher sometimes.

0:15:29 Thomas: I didn' think you were into it enough. I don't think we're gonna do it enough

0:15:34 Eli: Like, you guys didn't like the idea, so I didn't do it. He will shoot himself in your bedroom door.

0:15:45 Thomas: You would hear one door close and then a single gunshot I'm gonna die. Want to thank this listener for this incredible gift, even if it were fake, it's so good. I don't mind oh it's like asking your wife if she'd be okay if you had sex with her sister and it's like it's already done you're done with the the whole thing is done there's the right relationships done

0:16:09 Eli: This is why... episode's going to be 16 minutes long, and that's fine. Because it's the greatest 16 minutes we've ever recorded. Okay. Dead? Who's dad? And then she was like, no. And you were like, okay. Okay, you

0:16:32 Thomas: Just carry on let's go back to how things were before this conversation they

0:16:33 Tom: We're still cool, right? Yeah. Huh? No. You're looking at me weird.

0:16:42 Eli: Know how much fear your parents will have every time you talk to them for the rest of their life. You're going to be like, hey guys, they're goingto jump like World War II veterans.

0:16:47 Thomas: On the door yeah no just don't say anything oh man we

0:17:00 Tom: To say, like, all right, look, son, we're doing an early inheritance. House is yours now. We're moving out, and we don't live here anymore, and I'm not giving you my forwarding address. That's it.

0:17:11 Eli: Are you going? Where are your guys going? Your mother and I are walking out into the woods and hoping to find a party barn full of peace.

0:17:13 Tom: No. That's. No. Yeah. That's right.

0:17:21 Eli: Okay, now imagine this. Imagine that that dad is one of Tim's friends, and Tim is leafing through his book of all the friends who made him the stained glass barn, and you're like, All right, well, there's not going to be a better time to bring this up. Uh, Jin Zandal came into the kitchen the other day and told us he wants to buy a real butt.

0:17:15 Thomas: Died

0:17:47 Eli: Uh, so I would like to stand about 12 feet in front of you while you shoot me and pretend you thought I was a deer.

0:17:58 Eli: My wife is here. She's wearing antlers. She would like.

0:18:01 Thomas: I'm not lucky enough to have had a stroke Like our other friend here So you're going to have to just

0:18:06 Eli: That's messed up, man. Thank you. Thank you, OK? I promised you a real answer because you brought us so much joy. So here's the thing. And I might be incorrect about this. So co -hosts, by all means, join in. I think I am the only pervert on this podcast. Now, I want to be clear. I want to be clear because there's a lot of negative connotations around perversion. And if you want to know what the line of pervert to non -pervert is in my humble opinion it's when fuck stuff becomes your hobby right another person would be like I collect stamps I do magic tricks I knit and you if you were being honest say I have sex dolls or I have a room full of vibrating jellies if that's true of you you're a pervert I

0:18:52 Thomas: There's no point in saying anything Except maybe we're three bears in this one You

0:18:56 Eli: Three embarrassing one.

0:18:56 Thomas: Like maybe we are three

0:18:58 Eli: Okay. Where am I?

0:18:59 Thomas: You're the perfect pair you're

0:19:00 Eli: I'm the pervert. Okay, cool.

0:19:01 Tom: The pervert bear you're the

0:19:02 Eli: I'm the perver.

0:19:02 Tom: Perverted

0:19:01 Thomas: You're the sex doll I'm

0:19:02 Tom: Bear yeah pervert bear yeah that's it's the weirdest Care Bear.

0:19:05 Thomas: Not sure why you just asked that just now like what what did you think the answer was gonna be

0:19:09 Eli: I thought you were going to be like, no, I think you're the middle on this one because I I've got some make and model recommendations

0:19:13 Tom: I got some surprises.

0:19:12 Thomas: I mean I appreciate you being like open as no yeah

0:19:20 Eli: I'm a pervert and that's what we are. We're very open. Here's the thing. I would bet a good amount of money. My co -hosts have not fucked a sex doll I

0:19:22 Thomas: That's that's fair correct have not fucked a sex doll correct

0:19:29 Tom: Is a true. Yes.

0:19:31 Eli: Guess that haven't even fucked a fleshlight which let's face it is the fucking gateway drug of sex dolls right so here's the thing they're not worth it none of them are worth it and you know how you know this listener first of all save your money but you know How You Know This because if They Were Good Everybody Would Have have one. On earth would have one and they'd be normal because they felt anything close to good, right? They don't feel good. They feel really, really fucking weird. And you now have a landmine in your house, right, just anybody looking for a band -aid is going to stumble on at some point in your existence.

0:19:47 Thomas: Bosnick is telling you yeah

0:20:14 Eli: It is not worth it.

0:20:12 Thomas: Yep mm -hmm it's a

0:20:16 Eli: I will also say this. I'll not worth it aside, the doll, the full -on doll, often turns into like a relationship, a social, parasocial something within an inanimate object.

0:20:16 Thomas: Good call what really or is that just a movie thing really

0:20:32 Eli: So it's in the movie, but it's also just like in the culture, right? The idea that they're, oh, there's a culture.

0:20:36 Tom: There's a culture. No, that's not. You're using the word culture wrong.

0:20:39 Thomas: A culture for every fuck

0:20:41 Tom: Culture used to mean something. You know, are

0:20:41 Thomas: Stuff thing Tom do you know what gooning is I just happened to find this out the other day oh

0:20:46 Eli: There Gooniverse.

0:20:47 Tom: You? I sent him a gooning article from Harper's.

0:20:48 Eli: Tom sent me the Gooniverse and I can't wait to do it for Citation Needed I'm so excited

0:20:53 Thomas: I Tom I think we both listened to the slate podcast it wasn't a slate podcast that had it I think they had it

0:20:58 Tom: Yeah and then I read the Harper's article that they were referring to on it. Yeah I sent Eli the Harper's Article. Yeah it's fucking crazy

0:21:01 Thomas: I love how Tom and I are. We both listened to that. And Tom was like, I'm going to do some reading on that. I was like I've heard more than I needed to hear about this already. I do not need to do further research.

0:21:12 Eli: And jerked off real quick and you were all done so

0:21:16 Tom: That's it alright pretty good yeah

0:21:18 Thomas: My point is I can't think of something more solo than jacking off like just not I'm not saying all the time, but like in general, anything like less likely to have a social club around it than that. Just like, you know, know, in general, and yet it does. So, therefore, this also somehow does.

0:21:29 Eli: Yet it does it sure do yeah so

0:21:36 Tom: But I feel like women aren't doing that women don't have like a fucking vibrator hangout club do

0:21:40 Eli: Baby

0:21:38 Thomas: Of course they aren't. Of course, well, they do have smut novels that,

0:21:41 Eli: Sweet baby Tom

0:21:42 Tom: They but that's not the same thing as gathering around your like a sex toy what

0:21:48 Eli: They literally have vibrator parties. It's a literal pyramid scheme.

0:21:53 Thomas: I don't know about that. This is, I'm not co -signing whatever this is.

0:21:56 Eli: Okay,

0:21:56 Tom: That's a sales thing that's different though that's like Tupperware shit they're not like what

0:22:00 Eli: Tom,

0:22:02 Thomas: Don' t know. I'm out on this one. I have fucking, second. I have no opinion on this.

0:22:02 Eli: It's a fuck thing and a sales thing. Like so many things, it is a fuck and a sale thing. Thing I will also say this because

0:22:09 Tom: That's tupperware dildos man that's all that shit is I

0:22:12 Eli: Perverts they're not as dangerous as male perverts and we should never pretend that they are because that diminishes a bunch of very serious issues but they are significantly more perverted than male perverts you go in the world of male perverts male pervert to like I want a girl with big boobs and blonde hair and I'm gonna jerk off off on her tits and everyone on the fucking male pervert world goes yeah that sounds fucking awesome dude right female perverts have a detailed maze of perversion they have the positions in which they have decided the werewolf king will not inside them are extensive and ribald we could not dream to reach the level of female perversion not in our worst nightmares could we reach it look

0:23:03 Tom: Don't know about I I I strongly reject your premise there I dudes are man like dude telling me dudes are like I want to fucking spit in your mouth and choke and slap you around like that's not it's not like I wanna cum on your tits that is not like like the height of male perversion. I think you're, yeah.

0:23:08 Thomas: Strongly. Yeah. Dudes are pretty, pretty.

0:23:16 Eli: Danger

0:23:22 Thomas: You're understanding that a bit.

0:23:23 Eli: Wise they are significantly worse but perversion wise no

0:23:24 Tom: Like big time. Yeah, no, but I'm saying perversion wise, are

0:23:29 Thomas: Out. Eli, this is a bit, there's a lot out there.

0:23:31 Tom: Dude, look at tentacle porn, man.

0:23:33 Thomas: I will not. Don't need it. I'm not into that.

0:23:34 Eli: I'm I have Look, I know right now we have an ocean of female perverts listening to our podcast. They won't admit it, and they can't. Do you know why? Because in order to admit it they would need to turn to anyone in their life and open the Necronomicon -esque book of their kinks to reveal just how deep it is. But I have been to the darkest parts of Tumblr, and I will tell you, the women of Tumbler are doing pervert in a way men could not dream of. The Hellraiser would get back inside his box and lock the door.

0:24:09 Thomas: I agree with that it is different

0:24:12 Tom: I, I would grant you that women are probably more imaginative and more creative because when dudes get hard, they get stupid, but that's the only reason. Like dudes get hard they get fucking like they're fucking whatever your iq was it it gets cut immediately in half the blood rushes down and you're just you're done look I I do think like as is a point where you've got to recognize like okay my kids probably have sex toys in this house hopefully like because I'm just like I'm trying to get something out of this like question here like like it's not a fucking real doll because that's just that's not a sex toy right that's a problem there's a whole problem that's not the same thing as a vibrator or a fleshlight or you know just a standard fucking issue butt plug or sex toy or whatever that's kind

0:24:21 Thomas: Where

0:24:21 Eli: That's what I'm saying. All the blood's gone. Yeah.

0:24:39 Thomas: This come from oh gotcha yeah standard

0:24:43 Eli: Yeah.

0:24:59 Thomas: Issue

0:24:59 Tom: Of like whatever I

0:25:00 Thomas: Butt plug I love it thank you for that like vanilla

0:25:01 Eli: Standard issue blood playing.

0:25:02 Tom: Like vanilla sex toy shit right that'S just like regular standard issue yeah right I mean you get whatever lube you want gonna get thomas but like I think as a parent it's your job not to know that exists right that is your job that's the only job I have I have a lot of jobs that'sthe only jobi have the only job I care about that I want to make sure I am perfect at with no fucking missed sick days fucking no dropped balls a hundred percent performance review the job of not knowing what sex toys my kids have that is rock

0:25:05 Thomas: Flavored is it yeah I agree

0:25:36 Tom: Solid locked in there I don't want to know they can have all the shit they want I don't care they can't have a fucking real doll because that's fucking that's its own problem but like it is it's not a regular sex toy that's not the same thing as a vibrator or a fucking butt plug or a flashlight or whatever it's different too close to being a dead body

0:25:37 Thomas: With that I agree that that. Interesting. Yeah. Yeah, I,

0:25:52 Eli: Three bears in here, which is that Tom, you're

0:25:55 Thomas: Think I'm just with Tom on this. I don't know. Are we three bears in it?

0:25:59 Eli: Just with Tom. Tom, my,

0:26:00 Thomas: I don' t know. Well, wait, hold on. What's the proposition on the table? Let's define our terms here.

0:26:03 Tom: Yeah are you saying you want to know what what sex toys your kids has because I don'T THINK YOU DO no

0:26:09 Eli: I don't, well, so here's the thing. I, let me, let мне explain.

0:26:10 Thomas: What the, what? No. Eli's like, I want to throw them in the dishwasher every now and then make sure they're you know safety

0:26:16 Tom: You DON'T man

0:26:18 Eli: So here's The Thing. There's a safety issue, right? There's safety issue because you need a flared base, Tom. There's look, there are two ways to find out that your kid's been putting stuff in their butt. The first is a conversation where you explain a flaring base to them. The second is on the drive to the emergency room.

0:26:21 Thomas: Charge batteries you know yeah oh no

0:26:34 Tom: They amazon accounts they should be buying proper toys

0:26:37 Eli: Don't talk to your kid about flared bases who will the female perverts on tumblr that's who and they'll say you don'T need them I

0:26:38 Thomas: The er doctor exactly

0:26:51 Tom: Got three teenagers in this house right now and an 11 year old I want I have a sex positive house but I am also positive I do not want to know the specific details about any of the sex that they're having that is the most positive I like if they they have a problem come to me be specific I'll give you specific answers that's great but like if you just are like yeah I don't know where to put my harnesses no we're not having that conversation well I don'T need to know that do you want to know about me I DON'T know that about you we don't there's

0:27:19 Eli: Want to know that about you it's crazy that you don't want to that about me all

0:27:21 Thomas: Bad

0:27:19 Tom: Kids kids kids

0:27:22 Thomas: Example a bad bad example it's

0:27:24 Eli: I want to do is ask my friends about their sex lives and I have to remember that I'm not in pervert land anymore because you have to understand that while everyone else in college was having a normal experience, I was at a sex dungeon. So I constantly have to remind myself, don't ask.

0:27:38 Thomas: Making cameos and uh and pornos

0:27:40 Eli: Exactly. Don't ask people about how they fuck. Don'T ask people about how the fuck. Not even when you know them really well, nobody wants to talk about how they fuck some people will punch you in the face. If you ask them how they fight, I have to remind myself about that constantly. Me and the female perverts are sitting there going, don'T talk about fucking. Don' even ask about fucking. DON'T even joke about asking how people fuck.

0:28:06 Eli: So podcast listener, the point is this. First of all, thank you for this email. This gift we have ever received.

0:28:11 Thomas: That's pretty I haven't had a laugh like that in a while. It's been a minute.

0:28:14 Eli: Of it feels good enough to be worth it. They're wildly expensive. And I'll say this as someone who's been past the Rubicon and then back again. When fuck stuff becomes your hobby, a very important part of your life, your sexuality, gets put in the hands of all the people that society has shoved to the side. Now, there are some spaces where that is treated very well, right? There are very, like, sex -positive, healthy spaces where you can explore your sexuality in really cool and interesting ways where you are guided. But those people are not in charge. They do not have the most money, and they will not reach you first. The people who will reach you First are the people who want to push you into buying more things and wanting more extreme things, right? Because they have already been pushed to the margin of society. So the people who naturally gravitate to those areas are people who don't mind being pushed there for money. Yeah. Seem wild to say don't buy a sex doll because then you open yourself up to be a victim of people who are just interested in selling you more and more weird sex stuff but

0:28:39 Thomas: Interesting. Yeah, you're

0:29:26 Tom: Weirder I

0:29:27 Eli: Kind of think that's the case right on let me say this when I go on the magic reddit which I do often you're welcome uh am in conversation yeah because I'm because I am a contributing member to the magic read it yeah I'm a diamond level member of the the magic Reddit?

0:29:34 Thomas: Welcome. What did that do for me? What? Oh, okay. You're right. I wouldn't have the wealth of the abundance of resources that I now have when I go to the, I

0:29:47 Tom: It was he went there so I don't have to is what I assumed yeah Yeah. Okay.

0:29:49 Eli: Much

0:29:50 Thomas: Guess, but I don't remember getting anything out of this transaction.

0:29:51 Eli: Like the vets. I am like the troops.

0:29:52 Tom: I didn't have to anyway, I guess.

0:29:54 Thomas: Section

0:29:54 Eli: Freedom isn't free on the magic credit. But the point is this, when I go on the magic Reddit, I am talking to a community that wants me to do more magic to get more into magic. And it is very rare that someone will say, Hey man, it seems like you're doing too much magic, right?

0:29:55 Tom: I

0:30:14 Eli: It seems like you should relax and do things that are not magic. When you buy a sex doll, you will then go talk to other sex doll customers on the internet. And none of those people will say, Hey, make sure you're having a healthy relationship outside of your sex doll. Make sure that you're forming normal, natural, healthy, social relationships outside of your sex doll, that it is just a toy that you put your penis into and then take your penis out of make sure you're making healthy choices about that they will not do that they will make a video of themselves sitting on their bed with it in a wig and be like this is Stacy and her favorite movie is Heathers that's what that community is it also is the community of the magic reddit now that's

0:30:13 Tom: Guarantee Yeah.

0:30:58 Eli: Just a coincidence here

0:30:58 Thomas: Coincidence it's just a coincidence in this case I

0:31:02 Tom: I feel like if you're buying a full on sex doll, though, like you're already there.

0:31:08 Eli: No so this is no

0:31:09 Thomas: Man I don't know I I feel like never underestimate the next level of fucking weird pervert shit I underestimate it

0:31:10 Tom: That somebody is pushing you to like if a sex doll is not varsity level weird pervert shit than are we that's jv that's fucking varsity that's

0:31:18 Thomas: Man I don't think it is man I don't it is no

0:31:22 Eli: It's It's definitely JV.

0:31:22 Thomas: There's just no end to it it

0:31:23 Tom: Varsity it

0:31:23 Eli: It's crazy JV It's like it's not even it's sophomore

0:31:25 Tom: Is not that's

0:31:25 Thomas: I I wouldn't know it's still It's still, I wouldn't go that far. It's more like a there's long tail of when it comes to, there's pro, there's semi -pro, there're like, it's not just JV Varsity. There's pro. There's semi pro. There's hall of famer. There's just, it goes ever higher is what I'm saying.

0:31:26 Tom: So bizarre gotta pay extra for it though yeah it's an attachment it's a accessory yeah like I'm not saying it's the pinnacle right but I am saying like if you are like hey I'm going right to the sex doll the full -on life -size fuck doll like have already gone wrong in your life in a way that like you are not likely riding that ship anytime soon like like eli you're coming about like hey make sure if you get a sex doll you still have you know good normal relationships with other people like no I'll just I'm just gonna say like the likelihood of that being the case is so vanishingly small already it's that's not a normal sex toy man that's not you're not like at three o'clock on a Tuesday you're not fucking a life -size sex doll and then having normal human interactions at 7:15 later that evening you're just not you'RE NOT IN THAT'S NOT THE CASE

0:32:33 Eli: Give you my Take Tom because here's my take I think this person is very young And that this person Is aware that

0:32:35 Thomas: Can't wait. Yeah. I kind of think that too. I think they're pretty young.

0:32:40 Eli: The sex toy That you can buy is a sex doll They've seen it on TV They've see it in movies and they're sort of aware that They know that they're horny English is a second language which means they probably come from a more Conservative culture than our own

0:32:51 Thomas: Did they say that? Or are you guessing that? That could also be young that they went through school in the covet era they system failed them no

0:32:57 Tom: What

0:32:53 Eli: They are bad at writing the English language young, right? But that is what I'm guessing. I'm guess this is an English as a second language speaker. By the way, your writing is fantastic. Don't fucking listen to me. I'm on a podcast. The point being, I think this is a young person who is just starting to explore their sexuality and what that they have seen on TV and movies is that a sex doll is a thing that a guy gets, that guys get sex dolls. And

0:33:22 Tom: Tv and movies I'm sorry I gotta pause real quick like what like

0:33:27 Thomas: I'm kind of going with I'm kind of with eli on this I'm with eli in this

0:33:30 Tom: I I I don't like,

0:33:30 Eli: See it in comedies. You see it cartoons.

0:33:31 Thomas: It's it was a major movie was the fucking well

0:33:34 Tom: They're played for comedy because they're so hyper unrealistic. That's why you can play something like that for comedy.

0:33:40 Thomas: But in that movie the the I won't say comedy but like the the thing that's played up is having a full relationship with it that doesn't necessarily mean that a young person wouldn't take like the idea that like just having one is not super normal. You know what I mean? I know that was a confusing sentence, but you know what I mean? Like it's in our culture. It's in the zeitgeist. I will agree with Eli on that.

0:34:00 Eli: I think it's in the zeitgeist. I think this is a very young person who because here's the thing right to have access to actual tools of self -pleasure. You probably have to consume a lot of adult content and that is not surface level. I Think this is a young person who has gotten a very surface level view of self pleasure And that is mainstream movies and TV where like you open the door and the boss has a sex doll in the closet with him. And so they've just thought, OK, if I'm interested in exploring self -pleasure, I have to do it through a sex stall.

0:34:32 Tom: Feels like the most insane take I've ever heard in my entire life. I, love you, but no, I,

0:34:35 Eli: Listener, we have made fun of you a lot on this podcast, but I am pretty sure that I am right. And Thomas wrong. Feel free to tell us.

0:34:38 Thomas: Now we demand a -up.

0:34:46 Eli: Here's

0:34:46 Thomas: Be fair, that's your default setting, but yeah.

0:34:48 Tom: Young person in the world has a cell phone with the internet in their pocket. Every young person from, from sixth grade forward has a cellphone. Phone so they're like not like exploring the idea of self -pleasure for the first time and being like I should spend a few thousand dollars on a sex doll let me go ask mom and dad about that they've already been jerking off to porn and looking at stuff online since they were 10 11 12 13 years old because they've had the entire internet in their fucking pocket for their entire adolescence so

0:35:18 Eli: But porn does not teach you to masturbate. Porn does not teacher you about self

0:35:22 Tom: Has to be taught how to masturbate that's what are you saying right now that's

0:35:22 Eli: -pleasure. In fact, it

0:35:25 Thomas: Don't know. Some people aren't very good at it. I don't know. I'm just kidding.

0:35:29 Eli: - pleasure in healthy ways.

0:35:31 Thomas: Get good.

0:35:31 Eli: If anything is going to normalize a sex doll, it's going to be porn. I remember seeing people fucking sex dolls on porn sites when I was a young person.

0:35:38 Thomas: Right. I to give semi -serious answers. For one, I was expecting when you were reading this, I WAS EXPECTING SOMEWHERE FOR IT TO BE LIKE, HEY, WAY, I HAVE A DISABILITY OR SOMETHING. BECAUSE THAT ACTUALLY THEN BECOMES KIND OF A SEMI -SERIOUS TOPIC IF ARE PEOPLE WHO HAVE DISABILLITIES TO THE POINT WHERE they don't feel like they are able or or like want to or whatever uh one reason or another able to like find a partner and this could be something that makes more sense in that context I just don't really have any thoughts on that so that if that's what's going on like I just want to like allow for like maybe that could be some part of this or something but I just Don't really have any like opinion on that the only other other thing I want to say is I do think the The one thing I, one sort of take I have on this is I do think that male sex toys are stigmatized more than female sex toys in a weird way. And it's kind of like, it's not that important to me or anything, but I did hear somebody say that. And I thought about it. I was like, yeah, it was kind of weird. It's like, if you learn a woman has a vibrator or a dildo, that's know, you're just like, oh, cool. Awesome. If you learn, a guy has like a fake, whatever Eli's going to name several products right right now and the brand names and the

0:36:27 Eli: Of course, yeah, it's a huge difference.

0:36:46 Thomas: Prices and where to get them like then like our society is like what you fucking weirdo loser creep you know and it I think there's some amount of that that being said the doll is a step too far for me not into that uh not really any any of the fake stuff but but especially a dog at least understand people experimenting with the with the like oh maybe the pocket whatever will feel good here's my final question for you folks I just just want to make sure I got these points out here. Final question.

0:36:46 Eli: Fleshlight, Jelly Light. Mouthmam, Cockrings, Prostate Massagers, Penis Pumps. Don't forget Guybrators.

0:37:15 Thomas: Gun to your head.

0:37:16 Eli: Guybraters are great.

0:37:16 Thomas: You have to choose one of these. Your kid either has this conversation with you or your kid is that person's partner from a few questions ago that has the multiple, multiple relationships with fictional characters and it's destroying their marriage and it'S destroying them as a parent. Gun to your head. Which of these do you want your kid to have? Yep. A hundred percent.

0:37:35 Eli: Sex toys all fucking... I'm helping

0:37:37 Thomas: I'm not even going to finish the sentence. It's it's the sex doll. I

0:37:37 Eli: You pick one out on the website. Picking it out onthe website with them. I'm, like, you got to get a blonde, man. You got toget a blonde. It's the most expensive model. We can go to the wig shop, get you a couple of really nice brunette wigs, but when the natural blonde, that's what you want to be tugging on. Loves you.

0:37:55 Thomas: Tom, you with me? You with us?

0:37:57 Eli: Dead.

0:37:57 Thomas: Tom's dead. He just killed himself. The conversation started.

0:38:00 Tom: Reach up and I would squeeze that fucking trigger myself with a grin on my face and I'd look him right in the eye when he pulled it like no no no thanks no

0:38:08 Thomas: I'm glad Eli's with me on that. I am so much, I so much more with the sex dolls conversation than the, Draco than Malfoy thing. I don't know know why, but it just, I mean, I do know why but it's just, like, not even close.

0:38:14 Tom: Hundred percent yeah know why too yeah no well yeah a hundred percent yeah jokes aside yeah a thousand percent

0:38:25 Thomas: Yeah, we could agree on something.

0:38:27 Eli: There it is. We found it. It um last thing listener if I am right and I am uh go to pornhub.com at the top of the page click sexual wellness then click the page uh the side of the page there's the tags click masturbation there's a bunch of really good articles on how to self -pleasure doesn't use any toys although there are some articles on toys there you're gonna learn all sorts of new ways to jerk off you're going to have yourself a grand old time trust me you're have a great time the edging alone will suit you for most of the rest of your life you'll be okay all

0:38:53 Thomas: Alright, practical tips there.

0:38:54 Tom: Is a parenting podcast I've

0:38:56 Eli: Look I'm just saying When your kids need drugs, you're going to come to Uncle Eli And when your kids Need tips on how to jerk off Please don't send them to me

0:39:04 Tom: Never heard of anybody needing tips on how to jerk off this is insane saying I

0:39:08 Eli: Tom, Tom, can I tell you This means that your technique is lacking Okay If you tell me you've been playing basketball Alone in your backyard and I'm Sitting courtside at every NBA game I think I've got more moves I think you're right I think we've got, I think I can spin and, I shouldn't use the sport reference prince yes

0:39:26 Thomas: A pretty objective measure of how good you are at this, you know, like there's not no, I'm agreeing I'm with Tom.

0:39:29 Eli: All right we're gonna have a jerk -off contest oh no never mind get some russian judges

0:39:34 Tom: Don't yeah I I've what

0:39:36 Thomas: Eli was like, I thought you'd never ask finally. A jerk off.

0:39:41 Tom: It jerk off off

0:39:43 Eli: I have a question because I was about to do the outro joke but now I need to know if you're having a jerk off contest is it who comes first or is it like gymnastics yeah

0:39:47 Thomas: You gotta do it again. Where there's like a, there's a lot of corruption involved in the scoring, all that stuff.

0:39:53 Eli: Like Like, you get panned by the Russian judge. Exactly.

0:40:02 Thomas: Yeah, yeah.

0:39:56 Tom: Like well gotta you gotta name your moves ahead of time like oh that's a power move he's gonna gonna try and see if he can pull it off with

0:40:06 Thomas: Then like in everyone's mind is the legendary 10 .0 that one Eli Bosnick achieved one time in the year 1972. one's ever given a 10 .00 since then.

0:40:14 Tom: In with a broken wrist and he powers through did

0:40:18 Eli: Are certain thing that Simone Biles is not allowed to do.

0:40:20 Thomas: There's there's still a hole in the wall where the where the where Biles

0:40:25 Tom: You call her Simone Bills Biles I'm

0:40:26 Eli: That how it's pronounced? Biles? Biles. Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize we were all such gymnastic purists.

0:40:33 Tom: Sorry she's one of the most famous she's such a famous athlete even I know her her name.

0:40:38 Eli: Made the good reference. I made The Reference, and that's what mattered. And it was a very funny, it was also, can I say, it was a feminist and respectful masturbation joke about Simone Biles, which is lacking in today's community.

0:40:42 Tom: Simone Bills.

0:40:50 Eli: Thank you. Yourself. Sent my son to his room when he said Jim Morrison wasn't a good musician because we don't slam doors in this house.

0:40:49 Thomas: You're an ally I don't even know what to think about anything anymore I don'T KNOW IF I HAVE A STORY I 'VE JUST I'M STILL I'M THINK ABOUT THIS EPISODE FOR A WHEEL I DON'T KNOW YOU GUYS HAVE ANYTHING I'M LIKE I'M DISORIENTED

0:41:21 Eli: I was literally just rereading the email and thinking about it some more.

0:41:23 Thomas: CAN WE JUST CAN WE we just do the email again uh I

0:41:30 Eli: Mostly because Because I don't know how to explain it to them. What do you not know how to explain?

0:41:34 Thomas: It's amazing you

0:41:31 Tom: I wanna fuck this big silicone lady.

0:41:38 Thomas: On are we missing anything obvious where like what they're saying is they tried to tell them but didn't or something like are we I'm just looking for something I'm trying to grasp for something I

0:41:48 Eli: Read

0:41:45 Tom: Nope we're not missing anything thomas nope that's the problem man

0:41:48 Eli: It and we'll come back to it. All right. Talk Talk about your kids.

0:41:51 Thomas: Can't I'm not doing it

0:41:53 Tom: Did I

0:41:54 Eli: Max has been getting car sick for the first time which is a bummer because I thought he was going to get the miraculous condition that some people have where they can read in the car which just makes like you could do any oh yeah it's incredible it's incredibly I think tom just doesn't notice when he's nauseous because he's always nauseous that's my theory about that he's just like one day he's going to not be nauseous what happened where the where the woo go

0:42:04 Tom: Can do that yeah god

0:42:03 Thomas: Man. Yeah of course you can. Of course you can, Tom. Yeah to car sickness would be to complain about something and Tom's not gonna do it. He's gonna accept it is what it is.

0:42:20 Eli: Would

0:42:21 Tom: Love I used to read in the car all the time when I was a kid yeah

0:42:22 Thomas: It is what, yep. Yep.

0:42:23 Eli: The demon his final gem but he's been getting carsick and so the other day he comes home him and his mom been driving around speech therapy or whatever comes home and was like yeah he was feeling a little carsick and he's like yeah I was carsick he sits down on the couch and then he turns to me and goes now I'm house sick

0:42:40 Thomas: Well, that was a short one, I kind of have a short one too that's semi -related to the episode in that when you're someone who has small kids, them into, you know, more of a puberty phase is like something that I, Phoebe's like eight. I wasn't necessarily ready for any of this stuff. And the first thing that Lydia noticed is that her armpits fucking stink. That's the first thing when your kids go through puberty or start, you know, the pre whatever is like, wait a minute,

0:42:41 Tom: That's fucking great actually yeah man oh it fucking

0:43:12 Thomas: You fucking stink. What? That's not possible. You went from this perfect pure baby, you your Know, baby and a small child. You know, you're a tube. You whatsoever. And then all of a sudden, you stinking. It's like, how did that happened? When did this happen?

0:43:12 Tom: Reeks dude dude and I were just talking about this the other day like and it's no bullshit all the kids amen is 11 he's gonna start puberty like in earnest at some point here real soon he's already starting to use deodorant but like man when when and donovan were both going through it like it's whole thing man their rooms you could tell that they'd been in a room and they showered every day they wore deodorant yeah it doesn't matter they excrete a funk that is different than just bo oh would sometimes smell like bo and you'd be like oh okay like she just needs to take a shower she takes a shower it's fine it's gone but there's something about like a boy going through that like fucking hormonal shenanigans where it's just like whole well it's so bad it's unbelievable and we had two that were basically the same age at the same time and like you could tell where they were sitting on the couch like you went downstairs you're like finn was sitting over here you could smell donovan was sitting here and

0:43:52 Eli: Yeah smelly boy there's nothing yeah

0:44:26 Tom: Again they showered every day we make everybody shower every day so it's not like they're like stink kids you we make them use deodorant like we're We're like hygiene people around here. So no, you're in for it, dude. You are in for it. Thankfully, if your experience is like mine, and I'm really curious if your experience, because Phoebe won't have the same funk that Arlo will develop. Arlo won't develop a funk that will like, oh, it's like cutting onions, man. It'll make your fucking eyes water. It's horrible.

0:44:36 Thomas: Shit. Yeah, yeah. God damn. Not looking forward to that. Yanks. Well, that's fun. Yeah. Will do.

0:45:06 Clip: Want to meet sexy DILFs in your area? Email thedads at dearolddads.com or better yet, send us a message on Patreon. You can follow us on all social media by checking the links in the show notes. And if you need more podcasts in your life, you can find Tom on Cognitive Dissonance, Thomas on Serious Inquiries Only, and Eli on Godawful Movies and all the Puzzle and the Thunderstorm shows. Dear Old Dads is edited and produced by my favorite DILf, Tom Smith, who also wrote and recorded the intro music, which is used with his permission. This podcast is a production of Daddy Issues, LLC, copyright 2022, all rights reserved.

0:45:58 Thomas: You're the perfect pair you're

0:46:01 Tom: Tupperware dildos man

0:46:03 Eli: Don't talk to your kid about flared bases who will the

0:46:10 Tom: Look at tentacle porn, man.

0:46:14 Eli: Gonna have a jerk -off contest oh no never mind get