DOD120: Tom and Eli Crash Thomas's Funeral

Transcript

This transcript was generated automatically and may contain errors — the audio is the record.

0:00:28 Tom: To Dear Old Dads, the podcast that's finally here, actually, just showing up, you know, uh, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed and and sounding fresh as a daisy. I'm Tom Curry. I'm joined as always by my co-hosts Eli Bosnick and Thomas Smith. Hello, gentlemen.

0:00:46 Thomas: It's Good that you can have a sense of humor about your habitual lateness, Tom. It is good.

0:00:50 Eli: It's important. Yeah. Everybody, Tom showed up late again. What are we going to do?

0:00:51 Tom: It Is It Is It's It's My thing. It's mine thing. Everybody I Like To Swing In A Couple Of minutes Late Know, this

0:00:57 Eli: Can we say, he doesn't show up for the patron story. He's late for the records. Think we should withhold his pay. What do you think, Thomas? Do you think we should just hold back his pay for a little bit? Because if there's things I say about Tom,

0:01:06 Thomas: Think What Happened Is I Was on time for so long that my just was like, no, this is, this, there's this wrong. Yeah. It Was I

0:01:14 Tom: Is Yeah We Can't keep up this trend. It can't We can't

0:01:15 Thomas: Was I Don't know, I don't know, I, I don't know, I didn't know, on time. This Was a joke. It was me. I was way late. Uh, I was Was on time for so long that I think my whole being was like, you've gone too far, this is wrong, and so now I had to be so late that it's like I'm almost out of the company. But fortunately These Two Gentlemen Are kind enough to allow me to remain in on a probationary basis, I, I think.

0:01:16 Tom: Keep up this trend. You

0:01:30 Eli: Right. You figured it out, yeah. God, oh God, there's so many jokes. Lydia, Lydia, I'm gonna be talking in the right headphone and you just edit everything. I say, I need you legally to edit everything I said out of the podcast for the next 20 minutes. Tom, Thomas, you guys do a podcast,

0:01:44 Tom: You've Got the the market cornered though, Thomas, cuz I don't want to edit. So, like, I can't, you're like one of those employees that can't be fired. She's like, I don't want to take on that workload though. You know Know, just like What do They do

0:02:03 Eli: Yeah. Exactly, you're like your job at your old job, whatever niche you fill, people are like, "Fuck, no. No, it's fine. You can burn him with some tea or something. I don't care. Just throw a big cup of scalding tea in his face." That'll...

0:02:16 Tom: At Not at my old Job that I was at, my email address at that job is still active and monitored, and they respond as my email. It's Been 10, it's been 10 years since I left that job 10 years and if you email my old email you get an immediate response it's not an auto response like there's a guy still who gets that forward And he replies as me because they're just like, you know, just let that one. We're not going to make an announcement.

0:02:16 Thomas: Oh, Wow.

0:02:23 Eli: Amazing.

0:02:41 Thomas: It's like the Pope where they have to find a new Tom. They're like, who's going to be the new Tom?

0:02:45 Eli: Right. They gray smoke it until the new Tom is decided and then it's white smoke or whatever the fuck it is.

0:02:47 Thomas: Yeah. Well, I mean, my name's Steve. No, You're Tom. Now I'm sorry. Sorry.

0:02:55 Eli: No.

0:02:53 Tom: Well, when I left I was wondering because they didn't put any transition plan into place. And I was like, this feels really weird because I was like an operations manager for the state. And I Was like, did I have any transition? And then I realized why after I left it's because they just secretly pretended I was still there for a decade.

0:03:09 Thomas: Oh,

0:03:11 Eli: Oh, the rules. I have a buddy who is writing a book right now on the Trump lack of transition. He's like A presidential historian. And the book that he's writing is called Shit Show Without Binders. And it's literally just about like how Obama spent a tremendous amount of his second term being like, "Hey, for the first time in history, the president is going to hand off to the next president like a game plan," and how the government works, because it's like wildly ineffectual. If you're not aware, like this is a fascinating topic. And of one Obama's big legacies was going to be like, "Hey, we're going to start doing this thing that is going to change how effective a president could be in their first year." And then he gave it to Donald Trump. Truly the worst person who is not a fictional cartoon character.

0:03:18 Thomas: God. Yeah.

0:04:00 Eli: You could possibly give that information an obligation to. Too.

0:04:03 Thomas: I got great news, um, his name. Already wrote "The Fifth Risk," so you know, your buddy doesn't have to write

0:04:07 Eli: Yeah. Yeah, The Fifth Risk. Yeah it's Fifth Risky. Yeah that is a good one. Man did that that book turn out to be apropos. Hey, if y'all haven't read The Fifth Risk and also live in the now when there was COVID, it sucks. That book. That books sucks because that book, that book is how everyone must have felt after Medea killed the kids and Cassandra right? Just Jason sitting there all spattered in blood being like no I was going to get around to The Fifth Risk but

0:04:15 Thomas: Yeah

0:04:32 Tom: Oh,

0:04:34 Thomas: I I haven't watched Tyler Perry movies, so I don't know what that reference is. I'm sorry.

0:04:41 Eli: Amazing.

0:04:42 Thomas: No, you, but if I remember right, I'm... that book is like, "Hey, Trump terrible. Government doesn't work anymore because he ruined it." And like, who knows if there's going to be any sort of problem that like, yeah, like we all feel like the government doesn't matter, but maybe someday this will matter. And that came out like right before COVID, right? Or at least a year or two. Yeah.

0:04:43 Eli: That's fantastic, Tom.

0:05:01 Eli: Right before COVID, he was like, hey, one of the big problems could be that this guy is very much concerned with his reputation. So if something bad that could be controlled starts to happen, he'll try to cover it up rather than deal with it.

0:05:14 Tom: My God.

0:05:15 Thomas: Yeah.

0:05:16 Eli: Now, excuse me, I've got to end the book because I've got a little bit of a cough that's been bugging me.

0:05:16 Thomas: 2018, it came out late 2018. Yeah. Yeah, I remember reading it and it was like, oh, that was a weird ending because it just kind of, he sort of left it on like, yeah, I don't really know. Okay, there's nothing tangible right now. But that's one of those things where you're like, this is just made up. Like the world, we might be in a simulation, you Know, like I'm not like super sure on that, but it was at least after all this, I'm like 1%. We could, we could be, might be.

0:05:32 Eli: Yeah, I to interview that offer Michael whatever his name is but only when He's Michael Lewis, but only when he's drunk, right? I don't want the polished NPR. Like, yeah, I suppose so. And that's why, no, I want to give him nine shots of vodka. Well, vodka, and have him be like, I fucking told you. I fucking tell you, you want to know what else? I'm gonna tell you what else. Right now, we're India and Pakistan are gonna have a fucking war and we're all just pretending they're not. They both got the big knuckles.

0:05:46 Tom: Percent.

0:05:49 Thomas: Michael Lewis, yeah.

0:06:04 Thomas: Yeah.

0:06:14 Eli: I'm just letting you know

0:06:16 Tom: No,

0:06:14 Thomas: Would you ever do anything else if you were him other than the next several books being the I Told You So trilogy? Like, I told you so, The Two Towers. So, I Return of the I Tell You So.

0:06:21 Tom: No, no.

0:06:19 Eli: Nothing nothing but that are you kidding? I right about who people should have voted for president eight years ago. And I celebrate it weekly. Weekly, I remind my audience that they should have listened to me and my BFA and drama. So, yeah. But, you know, the only thing worse than the people who didn't vote for Hillary Clinton? Why, it's the auto ads.

0:06:45 Eli: Yes, the auto adds, which, I mean, we're several minutes in, so you've probably heard 10 or 15 of those by now.

0:06:45 Thomas: That's a tough one. How

0:06:51 Eli: And Those are interrupting your podcasting experience much as the long arc of history was interrupted by Trump's presidency. But you, you can vote for a Democrat. You can vot for Joseph Robinette Biden with your dollars by heading over to patreon.com, where, little as a dollar, you'll get an ad -free version of every show, when Tom shows up on time, as well as an extended little bonus section at the end with a parenting story when Tom is in the mood to do it. Plus, we got bonus episodes that Tom occasionally shows up for. Tons of fun.

0:06:51 Thomas: Dare you?

0:07:16 Tom: Occasional Every one of those God

0:07:28 Eli: We don't know. We don't know. I don't remember, and Thomas posts them according to a lunar schedule, so again, I have no way of knowing whether or not you've been on all of them, but it's over at patreon.com/dearolddads

0:07:44 Tom: Damn it God damn I've been on everything but one Fucking son of a bitch One

0:07:49 Eli: That's not how I remember look,

0:07:47 Thomas: Tom, you've earned this reputation. You know, I don't know how to tell you this, but you've learned it.

0:07:51 Tom: Missed Fucking

0:07:52 Eli: Dominic dropped out of school after he missed his SATs. I hear he's selling meth

0:07:57 Tom: Donovan you don't even know his name You're the worst

0:08:00 Eli: On the streets and it's been a big day

0:08:02 Thomas: You know what, Tom? This raises a good point. Objectively true that I'm at least a failure, and you've been late a few times. Eli, the way he can't even remember any of our kids' names or our wives' names. You know, like, let's try to go after him. I don't know. I fucking, no, I guess it's not that bad.

0:08:04 Tom: Donovan god damn it yeah

0:08:18 Eli: It's a good bit

0:08:12 Tom: We can't go after eli he buys websites you know it's a whole fucking thing his commitment is too high it's

0:08:21 Thomas: I know. Damn it. You're right. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

0:08:22 Eli: That's right, yeah Yeah, it's I'm the North Korea of podcasting partners, everybody.

0:08:27 Tom: Too it's yeah I'm not getting caught in the fucking dmz of that shit are you kidding me

0:08:31 Eli: That's right, yeah.

0:08:29 Thomas: No, you're right. I was just kidding you. I wasn't really going to try to go after you.

0:08:34 Eli: No, it is too late. I already gave Max worms.

0:08:40 Tom: So you had an experience this week you wanted to talk about on the show

0:08:42 Thomas: Oh, sure. Let me go into elaborate excuses for why I'm so late. We had a weekend out. We... grandma died a while back, and actually don't remember when. It's been several months. That's not don't don't the Jewish people do it, Eli, where it's like they die and they do the funeral like around the corpse

0:08:57 Eli: Yes, you have to do it within three days, and it's the best fake excuse ever. They're like, no, no. No, the soul is fucking bored and wants to get the fuck on with its life. So, yeah, no you gotta, God said.

0:08:58 Thomas: Yeah. Yeah. No. We don't do that, us guys, we don't, it was the opposite apparently, it had nothing to do, this is Lydia's side of the family, and we're not close or anything really with this part of the family, so I actually don't know, but I think she was all buried and all everything

0:09:20 Tom: Thomas, when you say we had a weekend out, Thomas, When you said we had weekend out, like that sounds like a fun thing. Like, oh, we had week and now we went up to Napa and like now you're going to tell a funeral story, like you need to revise your weekend house.

0:09:22 Thomas: Yeah yeah yeah well yeah So yeah.

0:09:33 Eli: Compared to Thomas' usual life, I think the funeral of a family member sounds downright refreshing.

0:09:35 Thomas: Yeah

0:09:37 Tom: Like we had a weekend out, I was like, oh, this is gonna be a fun time, like, oh yeah, we took the kids and went to the fucking water park, like this is a grandma funeral problem, oh.

0:09:44 Thomas: Well I think I've, you know, mentioned that we're dying and have no time to do anything, so literally it was the other week, Lydia was like, like, you know, my grandma's funeral is so-and-so weekend. And I'm thinking maybe we take the opportunity to like actually go out of the house. And I was like, okay, I'm listening. Yeah. And so we went and we got a hotel room. Basically with these two little kids, you, ages six, and Arlo's, oh, he's going to be five in about a month. Getting just a hotel room is like the greatest thing that's ever happened to kids. That I as a kid.

0:10:16 Thomas: It only happened a couple times, and just their pure excitement for stuff is just crack, like it is just the best little amazing chemical for me because they're so excited, they're so excited about the hotel, they still talk about our Monterey trip, whatever, I don't fucking know when that was, last year I guess, I don't know, and that was that we, you know, because we got to stay in a hotel, like we went to Montere Bay Aquarium, which was super cool, and all they talked about was the, this hotel had a Murphy bed, which I, I know if Lydia planned that or just it was random, but can you imagine as a kid not

0:10:15 Tom: I love yeah is

0:10:16 Eli: Oh, yeah. Yeah. Oh,

0:10:47 Thomas: Just a hotel

0:10:47 Eli: My God. Are you kidding?

0:10:48 Tom: That the bed that pulls down from

0:10:49 Eli: It's a room that's transformer? Absolutely. I'm fucking, I as an adult would not stop talking about that.

0:10:49 Tom: The wall then

0:10:48 Thomas: Yes yeah I know and so like it was so funny because when we went to the aquarium that time, we were in there for like a, you, couple hours seeing the sharks and god knows what other other cool things, and the kids were like, I want to go back to the hotel room yeah

0:11:10 Tom: Vending machines down the hall, dad, and an ice machine, we can fill a bucket full of, it's a whole fucking thing whoa

0:11:14 Thomas: Isn't that the best oh

0:11:14 Eli: Yes. So my used to take me down to New York two or three times a year, and we would get to stay in a hotel, and I, like your children, was so fucking psyched because he would let us get room service and young people, young people, before you judge this, is before the days of Grubhub and Uber Eats, you with your boops and beeps, they brought two kinds of food to your house when I was a child, so the idea that they would bring food on a tray up to your room was the height of luxury, my friends, uh,

0:11:16 Thomas: Oh wow yeah oh

0:11:30 Tom: Yeah

0:11:49 Thomas: Me too, I I literally thought that was a thing only in movies as a kid I didn't know that existed yeah for

0:11:54 Eli: Yeah.

0:11:53 Tom: I didn't have room room service until my mid-30s so like for real like that's like yeah room service was a like you made it when you had, when you got, were able to do room service

0:11:56 Thomas: Sure yeah I'm still nervous if I think about like, like I'll look, oh they have room service, oh god, that's not real though. Like if I

0:12:09 Eli: Oh, I don't know that I deserve that, right? And it's always so weird, like, oh, right.

0:12:11 Tom: Right

0:12:10 Thomas: Yeah exactly No, for real. I'm like, that's not, uh, I in a rom-com where I'm staying up? You know, like it's, it has to be a romcom situation night after a thing, you know, it's always that

0:12:21 Eli: A burglar didn't write me a blank check, so I don't know that I can have this $12 hamburger that's going to show up ice cold. But, oh man, I loved it so much. I remember it was just such an exciting, time for me.

0:12:25 Tom: Right.

0:12:35 Thomas: It's the best.

0:12:36 Eli: Not to distract, by the way, but speaking about kids talking about trips they've taken, Max now brings up Disney World like it's an everyday activity, right? Like, we'll be talking and I'll be like, what do you want to do when you're done with this thing? And he'll be, like, we go visit Tigger. And I'm, like. No, buddy. We can do that eventually. But we live here and we have to go on an airplane. Oh, yeah. We go airplane. No, no, no. Thank you. I understand it's a multi-step system.

0:12:43 Thomas: Oh yeah. Love that.

0:13:03 Eli: Yeah, no! I Get it. You want me to ride on the plane first? Okay dad, you drive a hard bargain, but let's ride on a plane.

0:13:01 Thomas: Yeah. He's like, okay, sure. Yeah, no, you're right. Yeah Yeah, yeah. God, I love that about kids. And, and even they still remember that, which is, it's funny when kids are this age, you don't know what they're going to remember or not. Like a year later, there's stuff that I reference that the kids are like, I have no fucking idea what you're talking about. I'll reference a movie that was their life for like a month. You know, they watched nothing but Raya the Last Dragon. When came out, they, they watched nothing but that because Arlo got obsessed for a month. I'll reference it, they literally look at me like, what the fuck are you talking about

0:13:30 Eli: -hmm Yeah, like, what I don't know what you're talking about. Yeah, it's the worst, I

0:13:39 Thomas: Yeah but then if I say like, hey, this random motel room or whatever, from, from this trip a year ago, they're like, I know the entire layout of the room, I remember everything, whatever, it was like

0:13:50 Eli: Remember every square inch of the space and yeah, no, it's you the

0:13:51 Thomas: Yeah furthermore can we go

0:13:51 Tom: Right yeah but like, what's, what's crazy too about that is that they remember all that shit in exquisite, intricate detail now, and I guarantee, like, in a handful of years, years, they'll remember nothing about the things that they have formed these deep, abiding memories for, like, this is like the biggest thing, and then, like, by the time they're 10, you'll be like, hey, remember that thing that was so crazy important to be like, never happened, I don't know what you're talking about. That's never

0:14:17 Eli: I make photo albums of all the trips that we do. Like, when we get home, the night we get homes, and I'm like, oh my god, I'm gonna get home, or if I'm super jet lagged, I'll do it the following night. I sit down, I take all the, the photos from everybody on the trip. So I'll call my mom and call our friends. If our friends are involved, I'm like, please text me all your photos. I put them on Google Photos and I make them into like a paper physical album. I make a digital album too, but I make it into a paper physical album, and funnily enough, not only does Max not recognize any of these albums at this point, except for the most recent one, but even I, a lot of the time, I'm like, oh, you did go to of the circus, that's fun. Yeah, yeah.

0:14:54 Thomas: Yeah, god, that's cool though, can, can you do that for my family? I want to do stuff like that. Oh, yeah I always like the upgraded plan, you could sell me on a platinum plan, you know, like I'm, I'm always going to upgrade. Oh, one's $9.99, the other's $14.99, you know yeah

0:15:00 Eli: Yeah, absolutely, all- you start the polycule membership, which is, very our shared sugar mama provides the budget for the Google Photos, very affordable yeah absolutely yeah and you know, you get the frequent flyer miles so you get the automatic upgrade, so then you can really, you pick your own seat, yeah exactly yeah Yeah. Yeah, no, it's good.

0:15:20 Thomas: Okay first photo albums on it. Yeah, okay, I'm into that, um, Yeah, we took a trip, in, is just to, uh, wait, I thought it was going to be to Santa Cruz, and then I, I, either Lydia will tell me as she's editing, either I made that up, you have this too in your marriage, either I just made something up out of whole cloth because I swear to god she said we were going to Santa, Santa Cruz, or, or like some plan changed or something.

I think the funeral was right, to Santa Cruz, but not through the mountains. So like that additional drive of a million white people going to the beach usually takes you four days because, like, there's this mountain road to get through to Santa Cruise. Anyway, it wasn't there, but it was close to that. It was beautiful. It was, was in the Los Gatos, you know, the, the place where the rich people ruin the world and make the apps, are near, nearby. So like every house, every single business I went into, every simple business I went into. Like I went, I went to a Pete's coffee. Cause that's, that's where I like to get coffee when we're away. I was like, who works here? Cause like, this is a place where a house is $2.5 million for

0:16:05 Eli: Tom, pick your targets.

0:16:19 Eli: Right.

0:16:19 Thomas: For like a single room with a bed and rent is $4,000 a month. Like who works at Pete's Coffee? How does that, I just want to know the economy. Like I feel bad.

0:16:28 Eli: Yeah. Someone with a nine -hour commute is who works at Beans Coffee. Someone who lives in those mountains and is like, no it's not so bad. I do. So there's occasionally a rock slide and if I yodel loud enough I can sort of get one going. And then it's just a four and a half hour walk from there. Which is great. I don't have to exercise or consume water.

0:16:32 Thomas: Yeah.

0:16:48 Thomas: Probably is something like that. Yeah. All the work at our economy is so fucked. Anyway.

0:16:52 Eli: It's how New York works. Like, in New York, all so expensive, but then you get out to, like, Queens, Queens. And not the shitty part of Queens that your cousin lives in. Because you went, no, I visited my cousin. It was really, no. No. I'm talking about real Queens. Real Queens. The rent there is normal.

0:17:06 Thomas: But you guys have a subway. You guys have public transit. We don't have that. It makes it even worse over here.

0:17:11 Eli: don'T think it's fair to call what we have a subway. Way. Right now it's filled with National Guardsmen doing the 2005 illegal form of stop and frisk because we won't stop murdering each other. But

0:17:24 Tom: Oh.

0:17:24 Thomas: Oh, God. All right. Well, topic for another show.

0:17:27 Eli: Don't worry, they're going to use the $300 million that they're charging us over the next year to make the train one long tube.

0:17:27 Thomas: Oh,

0:17:33 Tom: My god. Smelly?

0:17:35 Thomas: Well, that sounds cool.

0:17:36 Eli: Not a smelly car anymore. They're all the smelly cars. It's one long smelly car, my favorite thing about that. And then I do want to get back to this trip thing is that they were like, hey, you can't make those bendy things like buses have with trains, you have to make these metal things. And the tracks in New York, they don't, they're not like designed for that kind of train. What is the plan to fix that? And we got to watch the guy Eric Adams appointed, eyes go real wide while he was like, yeah, uh, because you could, like, he might as well have slowly been crumpling up a a series of drawings on his desk. It's the best. Anyway, so you go to Los, whatever, you go to Pete's Coffee, yeah.

0:17:40 Tom: Car

0:18:07 Thomas: Yeah.

0:18:10 Tom: Yeah

0:18:20 Thomas: So we stayed at the hotel. It was nice and fun. And we took the weekend. And so this was someone I hate to be here, obviously speaking for Lydia, but like, you know, this was, I think she was close with her grandma when she was younger, but I'm sure people can relate like some time and distance. And it was one of those things where it was a slow decline, you know? So this wasn't like a super sad, oh my God, funeral.

0:18:41 Thomas: Like we're, yeah, but no, but there was also, honestly, there's also the politics crap where it's like, oh, well that part of the family got really into Trump and all around this stuff. And like, it really does mess with relationships. Like it's not just apparently me and my dad, I stopped talking to my, you know, like it's, it's a major thing that it's like, I like a hardcore Trumper, but she, she did start listening to like, you, Rush Limbaugh and then whoever the fuck took over for him after he died. Hey, guys, remember that he's dead, that's awesome. I

0:18:41 Eli: Lydia was happy she's dead, yeah.

0:18:44 Tom: Oh man, oh

0:19:09 Eli: Oh what

0:19:12 Thomas: Keep forgetting and no one cares no one even mentions it, they don't care, it's amazing, but yeah, so it was one of those things, and, you know, again, I know Lydia was sad, but it was also one of the things where that side of the family was also in charge of organizing things, and, uh, I know this is a passion of mine, probably, probably Tom, you as well, as a great public speaker that you are, like, single time there is anything, I've, I've said it, I did a bit when it was my kid's graduation from preschool, you know, fucking three years ago or whatever, when, when there's a funeral, every time there's something where some people, some normal people, have to plan an event

0:19:12 Tom: My

0:19:12 Eli: A good thing way to way to brighten my day yeah that's

0:19:45 Tom: God

0:19:45 Thomas: That involves speaking or or a stage or anything, every time that's all I can think about, because they decided we're having the ceremony, whatever, it wasn't even really, it was a weird funeral because, again, she's already in the ground for a while, like yeah, this is not whatever Eli's Jewish thing is where the person is still like kind of breathing

0:19:45 Tom: I know

0:19:57 Eli: Dead you have to kill him there at the funeral when the Jewish ones funeral

0:20:04 Thomas: Yeah yeah there was no sacrificial altar or anything, so they did it at the front of this, I don't know, place where, what's a place where they bury people, I guess a cemetery, but one where they make money off it, what's one where people pay to be in spots. Is that what it is? Oh, it's a cemetery, but like a, yeah, but it wasn't like an old timey haunted one. I didn't see any ghosts or zombies. It was one that was just capitalism was the, was. And we were out front, the sun is fucking shining. So it's a billion degrees, even though the, like the temperature wasn't much, but hey, is there like a color that people tend to wear when someone dies, that anyone can think of, that that also when the sun is shining on it is the hottest fucking thing in the world.

0:20:18 Eli: Home, yeah yeah

0:20:19 Tom: That's also a cemetery, yeah oh

0:20:40 Eli: Yeah everyone just wears a dehydrator to Graham's Graham funeral.

0:20:46 Tom: My

0:20:45 Thomas: Yes. And so we're doing it. They do this thing. I don't know whose decision this was. It's like in the front of the building and there's a fountain around it. So like there's no convenient place to like sit or stand. And we're all just standing and not even in front where we could maybe hear people talk about the memories of person. We're all around. Around picture like literally if the fountain is a giant square that they're essentially delivering the speech to like, if I were setting up sound like, okay, here, here's who needs to hear this. The fountain needs to hear it. Like, and that's it. No, no one else could hear it. And whole, that's what I'm thinking about the whole time, obviously. Cause I'm like, this is the stupid, how could anyone do this? How and then once that happens, how does everyone not go up there and be like, Okay, I guess I need to yell for you to hear me. Oh, Hello. Everyone goes up there like. And so the memories of grandma that one time I remember we

0:21:12 Eli: Right. Yeah. Oh, it's the best. It's the best. Normies get up there and they're just whispering, just fucking whispering.

0:21:38 Thomas: Were in 1997. Yeah. And I didn't hear a. I I don't mind a good funeral. I don't, I don't mind going in here and some memories of the person who was born in the 30s. I actually think that's super cool. Didn't hear a word. Not, this isn't a bit. I didn't hear a word. Several people got up and shared their memories. And part of it is I have to wrangle kids too, but like nothing, and the whole time I'm like, please, someone, someone have a brain. I don't understand it. So anyway, it's one of those things where I'm sure poor Lydia, I'm sure she was feeling like some mixed emotions, but then the situation's so dumb that you don't get like, even process your grief, you know, like it's uh, uh,

0:21:40 Eli: Yeah, oh, mm -hmm. Worst funerals, and I'm gonna, I'm going to say something as brave as it is vulnerable, the worst funERALs are for funny people, and I will tell you why. So, when a Normie dies, everyone acts normal, right? Like, Graham, Graham 1997. When a funny person dies, everyone's got to do a bit because that person was funny, but some of those people are mourning, you know, the worst experience a human being can have. And so I have watched this happen every time a funny friend dies, someone just does not read the room, the room of course being a funeral home, and is like, here's the thing you need to know about how Tony loved to fuck, and everyone's just like, his mom's here, man, his mom is here, and he OD'd. I just need you to at any point read this fucking vibe, sure.

0:22:23 Thomas: Yeah.

0:22:32 Tom: Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God.

0:22:39 Thomas: No. No.

0:23:00 Thomas: Yeah. Oh God. That's awful. We talked about how I've like, I've barely been to any funerals, so I haven't had the pleasure of that awful experience. I've only been to one or two and yeah, no, I see what you're saying. Like, I think the opportunity to get a few, you jokes in for the Normie funeral, that's fantastic. A few jokes in for the Norman funeral, you can make the room laugh. Oh, and we all remember her, you here I was going for some, oh, the way she used to bake that apple pie. I was always going in for seconds. No, yeah.

0:23:26 Eli: Grandma like to fucking Oh,

0:23:30 Tom: Oh,

0:23:37 Eli: The worst, I hate that. I'll boo, I'll fucking boo if you do some hack shit. I'll do you at a funeral. I don't fucking care if that was your mom, come up with a material, hire a writer, Jesus, we've only got one life, as as demonstrated by this event, and I gotta listen to you do it about Gramp, Gramp's golf game, I'll kill myself. I'll kill Myself.

0:23:39 Tom: God. Yeah.

0:23:57 Eli: This funeral will be a twofer.

0:23:57 Thomas: I need you to come to the next one of these stupid things. So, yeah, we're all dying of heat exhaustion. No one can hear and we're just standing. And the kids, the best is the kids. This experience, Tom, I'm sure you've had this. Don't I know, Eli, if you've gotten to this age with Max yet, but trying to get your kids who are who are you can talk to them. They're they're they don't understand always. And, you know, they're in that weird range where you have to try to reason with them. Like the method you have TO use for your kids is talking, but they'RE getting like three percent of anything you're saying.

0:24:30 Eli: Right.

0:24:30 Thomas: And you have to convince them intellectually that they need to stand still for an hour while nothing happens. Like, It's a fucking, that sounds, it sounds like a punishment in the fucking death camps. Like no, no, I nothing's happening child who can't probably, by the way, probably has ADHD like me. Like yeah, you just have to sit and accept that nothing's fucking happening. And actually feel like I do a good job at this because I'm still I think maybe one asset I have is I can really put myself in their shoes and I'm just like, hey, man. Yeah, no, I know this is nothing. This is I know. And I'll be like, Hey, this is so here's the thing. This Is Lydia's grandma died, you know, and the people here are very sad about that. And this is a funeral. And I the thing. I'll let you play Switch if I'll as you play Zelda, if you can, if you can just stand for.

0:24:38 Eli: Right.

0:25:05 Eli: Let's fucking get it.

0:25:06 Tom: You

0:25:18 Eli: Yeah. You just gotta turn the volume off.

0:25:22 Thomas: No, when we get back, I was saying like a bribery, like if you could just stand here.

0:25:25 Eli: All right. I would have just given Max the Switch on full volume and been like, what? She gonna get dead or relaxed? Look up. Uncle Chris is telling us an adorable story about the life she didn't get to have because of the time period she was born in you're missing it

0:25:26 Thomas: Yeah. And here's the other. Oh, my God. Here's the other thing. I know how I grew up with the strictest, was most in the most authoritarian authoritarian hellscape. And so when my parents saw another kid misbehaving, I never at any time had the thought like, oh, that means I could do it. No, they were so good in their authoritarianism. I was trained as a kid to be like, fucking that guy's going to die. He's, they're going to kill his parents.

0:25:58 Tom: He doesn't get to go home tonight that's cool I know how this works

0:26:01 Eli: Yeah yeah

0:25:58 Thomas: Boy, I know he goes home to a gallows. That's poor kid. But

0:26:02 Tom: Yeah yeah Like Thomas Seidel's over to whisper to the kid, like, they'll stop loving you, they will stop, they'll stop at the drop of a hat, they've been faking it all these years, they'll stop loving you, I

0:26:08 Eli: Yeah

0:26:09 Thomas: Yeah I'm already, like, do do you want people to do with your stuff when you're dead, like, do do you need that yeah, can I have your Nintendo

0:26:16 Eli: Can I have some Thomas I had the opposite experience as a kid because I, parents were nice to me, is I would see someone's parent like them in a way that is normal for the time and I'd be like, what the fuck is wrong with those people? Do they hate their kid. And my dad would be like, no, I mean, yes, because it's just, but no, you don't have to do

0:26:30 Thomas: Yeah yeah he's like, what year is it, uh, kinda, yeah it depends on Jesus

0:26:38 Eli: Yeah, there's story in my family is we had some distant cousins who we visit who have a lot of money and hate each other. And the cousins, I come down for breakfast and dad of these cousins loudly announces, oh, in our house, the children don't come out of their bedrooms until the adults come and get them. And I'd looked at my and I.

0:26:58 Thomas: Christ

0:26:58 Tom: Wait, what, wait what like they kids wake up and they can't leave their bedroom what

0:27:03 Eli: Right. They're stuck in their bedroom. Who fucking know? I don't know. They piss in the punishment jar or whatever the hell he has. But I'm like five. Right? He obviously expects me to turn around and go back upstairs. But, I turn to my mom and dad who are at the breakfast table and go, you better not try any of that with me. I'll have you know. And then just go in and get some cereal. I was like five years old. Family tells that story quite a bit.

0:27:25 Thomas: Yeah. And so I point of the bringing that up, though, was I, for once, even though we're nicer and kind parenting and, you know, all that crap, whatever, what is the word for it?

0:27:25 Tom: Thomas

0:27:36 Eli: Gentle parenting.

0:27:37 Thomas: Gentle parenting. There you go.

0:27:37 Eli: But yeah, kind parenting.

0:27:38 Thomas: Gentle parenting, all

0:27:37 Tom: Gentle parenting kind of parenting and all that crap, I think, is actually what it's called

0:27:40 Thomas: Of that crap. But I got to have a moment where I was like, oh, I'm drawing a line. Here's a line that I am drawing. And that was someone else's fucking kid was climbing a tree, like right in front of everybody in the funeral was just like in a tree. You know, and, and so Arlo asked me very reasonable question for a kid. He's like, can I go play? And I was like, no, sorry, buddy. You got to what he's like. But look at that kid. He's climbing that tree. And I Was like, yeah, well that's kids being bad.

0:27:41 Tom: Yeah But here's, here's the thing, though, here, and I will die on this hill I've been to so many funerals, so many, I went to one last week for my, for a father, like, like I've said before on the show, like, it's a thing in our company culture.

0:28:11 Thomas: Okay people dying around you all the time, Tom I'm actually worried about it

0:28:20 Eli: Insane podcast

0:28:20 Tom: It's don't get near me. Don't get nearby. It's constant.

0:28:23 Eli: Listener it is violently insane how often Tom is going to a funeral, however you imagine it, how long you imagine to be, it's so much more, Tom

0:28:27 Tom: It is so often. But it's exactly what you described. There's always these kids, right? And they're expected to wear uncomfortable clothes and uncomfortable shoes and then to stand around and like observe these rules that their whole lives they've never had to observe. Sometimes if they're like close family for eight or 10 or 12 hours, funeral homes are missing out. And I really believe this. They should just have a kid zone, which is in a separate space, which is full of toys and games and shit for kids to climb on. So the kids show up in their nice clothes. They bring a change of like garbage clothes that they can play in. They show up. They're respectful for the 15 fucking minutes that you're showing off to everybody that you actually have respectful kids for, because there's really no reason for them to be there. And then there isn't

0:28:39 Thomas: Yep oh my god you're so right so true

0:29:16 Tom: Because it's nothing for the kids at all, it's just like, if anything, it can be mildly traumatic, at best it's neutral, and then like you hustle them off into a room, that and the funeral home would just have like, yeah, we have dedicated, like, you know, babysitters for the day, or like child care for the day. I don't understand why this isn't a thing, this would be everybody would go to this funeral home, right everybody would go, my other business idea for funeral homes, having been to a lot of these, hold on, hear, hear me out, because I'm going to just pitch on the air.

0:29:16 Thomas: Yeah yeah no, that's a brilliant that's a brilliant idea that's brilliant idea is killing people for money

0:29:41 Eli: I hear pages ruffling, are you, are you opening a notebook that is titled old corpse

0:29:42 Thomas: Yeah

0:29:43 Tom: Here we go. Shark Tank, baby. Shark Tank. It's Corpse Shark Tank been to a few of these now and I realize there is a tremendous need for a motorcycle-themed funeral home. Motorcycle riders die.

0:29:46 Thomas: All right

0:29:54 Eli: Yep

0:29:56 Thomas: You had me with the first one, but what the fuck, oh I see

0:29:58 Tom: They and they're all into the aesthetic. There's a massive culture and aesthetic around fucking motorcycles. You open a motorcycle, you can't do Harley because you don't want to pay for the licensing, you do a motorcycle themed funeral home, you, like, you never have to worry about open caskets they're already like you know bopped up to bits so you just, you know, throw them in there, close the thing up, have a bunch of flags, people show up in their fucking assless chaps or whatever fucking thing they want to wear, it's money in the bank, you're printing money at that point, you

0:29:59 Thomas: Oh shit yeah yeah wow yeah

0:30:00 Eli: Sure yeah yeah yes let me yes, end that Tom, you change your name legally to Harley Davidson, you can call it Harley

0:30:13 Thomas: Oh God

0:30:31 Tom: Yes

0:30:31 Eli: Divison Funeral Home name can't be a copyright violation this

0:30:32 Tom: Yes yes I this a few years back, I went to a guy that I worked with died in a, a motorcycle accident. I went to his funeral. It was at a regular funeral home, but everybody was dressed in their Harley wear. Everybody was dressed in there, leathers and their chaps and their thing. And I was like, this is incongruous. This doesn't fit. We could make this fit. We could capture the whole market. Is a good idea.

0:30:37 Thomas: Holy shit

0:30:54 Eli: Let's just let's not take any money out of the business for like the next seven or or eight years. And we invest, what we do, we give away a few free ones, right? And then everyone will know about it. This is a brilliant idea.

0:30:59 Thomas: Yeah

0:31:07 Tom: Yes, this

0:31:07 Thomas: That is actually I, you know, I, I thought that was gonna be dumb Tom and then, yeah, I'm

0:31:11 Eli: Thomas, don't distract us.

0:31:09 Tom: Is it. Mark Cuban's going to pitch. He's going gonna be fine

0:31:16 Eli: We could

0:31:17 Thomas: Just wondering, Tom, how you had that guy killed in a motorcycle accident, like, how a motorcycle accident.

0:31:22 Eli: Call it the last ride.

0:31:26 Thomas: Ride and die. No, I don't.

0:31:25 Tom: Shit

0:31:28 Eli: Yeah. These are the best. These Are The Best. I a business idea called Million Dollar Idea, which is, it's a storefront that you can rent for one week, where we'll put your million dollar idea in it. Isn't that a great idea?

0:31:30 Tom: That's great, oh

0:31:47 Thomas: Do I need to do one that's like a meta idea of like, okay, do you have a meta million dollar idea? I have a website that I'll put your meta million dollar ideas storefront on to rent. Yeah, no, I got nothing. Sorry. Sorry.

0:31:59 Tom: Mine

0:31:56 Eli: Damn, we all became SEO farmers. Everyone, you know, you dig long enough, you end up an SEO farmer.

0:32:03 Thomas: These these are fantastic business ideas during funeral episode. Thank you, Tom, for that. You know, that's

0:32:09 Tom: Was funeral Mine were funeral related. Mine were funeral related.

0:32:10 Eli: They were funeral themed. It

0:32:12 Thomas: Fair.

0:32:12 Tom: I haven't I haven't got I haven't busted out the notebook of bad ideas yet, Thomas Smith.

0:32:12 Eli: Was fine. Thank you.

0:32:16 Tom: These are just my funeral-related like,

0:32:17 Thomas: Those are legitimately good ideas, though, both of them, actually.

0:32:19 Eli: Yes.

0:32:19 Tom: You should hear about my podcast called Patrons Only, only where we just roast patrons, and that's the entire podcast.

0:32:23 Eli: Oh.

0:32:25 Thomas: Oh, my God.

0:32:25 Eli: Oh, I love that.

0:32:26 Thomas: Save these for some of the other episodes. Save these four other episodes that aren't about business ideas that you need to put them in.

0:32:26 Tom: Right?

0:32:32 Eli: They can sit right there next to Cammy. Oh, no, you didn't.

0:32:36 Tom: Yeah.

0:32:37 Thomas: Not I'm not sure what your guys is feeling on that was but that was too, I can't, I, I, can I have too much, uh, at things like that. And I said I cannot allow my kid to start climbing a tree right in front of the funeral. I get, just, kids, it, they're, but I can't do it, I'm sorry. And furthermore, it's Arlo, so he would start probably yelling and making weird noises. Like, I just was like, I'm just going to, I'm going to let this get to that point. I'm sorry, go ahead

0:33:00 Eli: I would let my kid use the corpse as a sled down a small hill nearby. Like, you have never found less of an ally than you have in me right now than the fucking holiness of the dead and their very special birthday party. There is nothing I would give less of a shit. Like, birthday party would matter so much more to me than dead person roundabout. Like, I, I would let Max gently surf on an old woman's back up and down and around that fountain rather than make him stand still

0:33:34 Thomas: So Tom do you care to three bears that that must

0:33:37 Tom: I, I don't know. I, I not a, I've not brought my kids to any funerals yet. I, so I've been fortunate enough that all the people that I've did, they've all been like work related. So I don'T know.

0:33:44 Thomas: Be tough you have to get child care every weekend

0:33:45 Eli: They they must never see you, I was gonna say Jesus Hell.

0:33:46 Tom: Yeah. I I will say I was at a very tragic funeral I don't know maybe eight or nine years back and I'm standing outside at this like beautiful you know outdoor space and they're we're doing the internment and all this stuff and I had to speak at it I had To do like a reading and I was like okay I'm gonna do my reading and I look over and there's this like Beautiful like pond with trees and no shit from one of the like trees there's fishing line that had gotten caught and was like dangling down and I'm like somebody's out here fucking tom sawyering it up like by the goddamn pond by the corpse field here like this is a very strange very strange thing to catch your eye just like and the whole time I'm speaking and i'M LIKE DOING MY READING AND WHATEVER LIKE I CAN'T STOP STARING I'M LIKE WHO'S FISHING OUT HERE WHO IS FISHing

0:34:20 Eli: Yeah yeah

0:34:33 Thomas: Yeah and and you're always like why, why didn't a single employee just get rid of that, like, or or something, you know?

0:34:35 Tom: Yeah yeah I just I of kind loved that it was there though like I actually kind of loved that I was there I was like okay OK, great.

0:34:42 Thomas: Yeah.

0:34:40 Eli: I've told, it's sad at everywhere, man, on this podcast right okay good that's because that's an important part of my I at the funeral home for career day, yeah

0:34:47 Thomas: Oh yeah. Yeah, you have. I can't remember. What context was that? Oh That's what it was. Yeah. Okay. You did tell that. That's yeah. That'S a good one. Um, I, yeah, we have a few minutes for the sad part of this, this thing.

0:34:56 Eli: Yeah yeah yeah

0:34:56 Tom: Yes. Yes, they have to maintain the Pretext of false sorrow in order for the grownups around them to feel comfortable with their politeness or whatever.

0:35:03 Thomas: I just look, I just didn't want want actively Arlo climbing a tree and making weird noises because he would do that yeah but There was eventually there was a, there's a little courtyard, uh, hard to explain it, but there was sort of like an adjacent little courtyard of death, you know, that looked kind of nice and nobody was there and they were like, "Can we walk over that?" I was like, "All right, you can walk over there as long as you're quiet, you can go do whatever, and also don't step or jump on the fucking gravestones or whatever."

0:35:10 Tom: Yeah. No, I know. Yeah, hooting noises like a monkey or something. Yeah

0:35:15 Eli: Yeah. No, yeah Okay, can

0:35:36 Thomas: As long as you're, and

0:35:36 Eli: You see an open grave don't jump into it because you'll end end up in the land of the dead and then daddy, I'll have to go and find you. And then I'll realize that it's really about letting you go.

0:35:39 Tom: Of A hand comes up to the ground and grabs your ankle, you got to peel the fingers back one, or you don't try to to just pull away, it's not how it works Yeah, did

0:35:50 Eli: Start jerking off. Nevermind. Me and Tom have different advice.

0:35:51 Thomas: So and to To my kids, infinite credit, they were so good. Here's and another thing, I am very, like, I, this is one thing I do truly believe in, because my parents would have been like, "Well, obviously you have to be perfect or you're an asshole to us as kids." Whereas I'm like, kids, you were somehow amazing for like 17 minutes, and I am so proud, like, I am so proud that you didn't I god knows what for that whole time, and so here's reward, like, I'm very much into rewarding the behavior of the kids somehow being able to like be not kids for like 30 minutes, which is incredible.

And so they're over there, they're having a fine time, they were just kind of walking around and looking at stuff, and I'm, I was able to keep an eye on him while I was busy not hearing a single thing anyone said, anyway, so I don't know what the fuck I'm doing, didn't matter, um, then Phoebe, first funny thing that happened was Phoebe comes over to me and she is, she, she has that look where Phoebe thinks she's figured something out and she wants to tell me, you know, which is fun, I'm, I live for it, so, great, has seen, not even a big, unfortunately, modestly sized, like, little angel statue thing, you know, the funerals, we have capitalism and funerales too, where it's like the people, the money, they buy some sort of like, you tomb the fucking fucking Egyptians would have, and then all the other people get their little plaques in like the

0:37:04 Eli: Right.

0:37:04 Thomas: Worst, shittiest location.

0:37:04 Eli: Get a semi -circle rock. Yeah. Yeah, right.

0:37:06 Thomas: Yeah, yeah, exactly. And so Phoebe had seen like, there was this like angel statue thing. And so she runs over to me. She says, dad, dadda, see statue? Is that where the president's buried? And I do a good job of not dying of laughing because it is, I'm telling you, the statue was like three and a half feet. Like it wasn't even, it's just all the others. All the other things were plaques. And so, but she, no, no.

0:37:26 Tom: You Did you ask her which one? Just the president?

0:37:29 Eli: Right?

0:37:29 Thomas: Know, she's in first grade.

0:37:29 Tom: Just, yeah, they just we pile them on top of each other from George Washington forward.

0:37:31 Thomas: She's in first grade, I was genuinely impressed that she made that connection, because like, at first, it's like, that's objectively hilarious, but, I'm thinking like, all right, first grade? I don't even know that I could have worded a question like that in first grad, like honestly, she literally told me, is that where the president is buried? Like in full, you know, Phoebe language, and at the time, I didn't know at first it was hilarious, and then I was so impressed that like, yeah, little puzzling out stuff brain is just like, alright, I see that there's a a difference in the little things here. And this one seems to be special. What's the most special person I remember about? The president. They're in charge of everything. Therefore, that must be where the president's buried.

0:38:04 Tom: Therefore, they get the little statue. I love it.

0:38:06 Thomas: Yeah. So it Was amazing. And I started thinking about this funeral. And fortunately, and for real, fortunately, they didn't have much of a relationship with a grandma. You know, they'd only seen her like once or twice and they don't even remember people they've seen a lot.

You guys had to deal with, and this is what I was going to topic for today's show that's over, um, had to deal with kids at a funeral where that's actually like they're sad, you know, or they're, it's a thing, because when I was a kid, my grandma died and this, this is maybe truly only me and Eli get it thing where my grandma lied and she was, uh, very bright spot in an otherwise, otherwise not as bright childhood.

When, and she died, also marks the beginning of the great nothing that was childhood. Like when my dad stopped existing and when, you know, like, so anyway, my, my happiest memories are from when my grandma was still alive. And I think she died when I was, I want to say, in fourth grade or something like that. And when she dead, I was probably a parent's worst nightmare because I, was so sad.

Like I was like, I understood it, there wasn't any question of like, oh, it's, they don't even really get it. You know? Like when they're young enough, they're like, yeah, okay. When my dad died, to, I, we did have kind of tell Phoebe sort of, but like Phoebe, sometimes we just mention it, you kind of remember my dad and be like, ah, no, he passed away, kind of thing.

But I was, when I was in fourth grade or whatever it was or fifth grade, was old enough to where not only did I know what happened, like I, I was so sad. And we go to the funeral. And I remember as a kid, I did not understand why no one was sad. Like in my perception, no one was sad because, you know, they're adults and they're all kind of keeping it together kind of thing.

And so at a certain point, like before the funeral even starts, and I vividly remember this, I just break down and I was crying for the entire thing and no one else was.

Like there's one, there's a funeral for this old lady in 1996 or whatever it was, and I am just hysterically crying because I don't, I'm so sad about this thing, and I have this perception that like, don't other people understand that someone died, like how does no one get that someone, not just someone, someone that I like, died, and nobody, none of my cousins, I remember thinking my cousins must have been evil because my cousins, who I barely remember, they lived nearby her.

So, so they saw her all the time. We were in the Bay Area where she lived and we live, you know, in the country. So we didn't see her that often. And I remember them not even caring. And that was the, like, Eli, I don't know if you had those childhood experiences as a fellow, I don't know, depressed person, but I just could not handle how sad that was. And I also couldn't handle that nobody else seemed to care. It was the weirdest

0:40:36 Eli: Yeah.

0:40:36 Thomas: Thing.

0:40:38 Eli: Was very lucky in that. So first of all, I exactly share that experience for a million things, but I was very lucky in that grownups saw that and were like, "Ah, this child is mentally ill. We must help this child with its mental illness." Because otherwise you're just like, am I, am I a pussy? Like, that's literally you just spend your whole life being like, I think I might not be cool. Like Maybe I should be cooler and chiller about grandma dying.

0:41:01 Thomas: Yeah. Cooler about people dying.

0:41:05 Eli: I don't know why I'm being so not cash money right now. I'm really sorry about it. Like, even though I was aware of mental illness, I often, I often think of those moments that I had that were just so clearly evidences of my mental illness.

And I, you know, I'm sure we'll get to those stories eventually where, like, again, I had the adults being like, "Hey, you got a mental illness, nothing you feel will be real." But like, I needed someone in that moment to jump in and be like, "Hey, this is to other people. This is what I needed.

I needed a depression translator." Later, I needed someone to, like, see me sobbing in the bathroom and writing a love poem because someone in fifth grade didn't want to go out with me, and do, like, a trend, like, "Hey, everybody, here's a little handout on, uh, depression, and, uh, just, this is how you should all be reacting," which is like, "Someone else was sort of a little grumpy.

Yeah, so if you could just treat it's like Eli's a little, yeah, no, no, we're gonna medicate him in his late teens and he will be more of a person, but if you could all just ignore this right now, we'd really appreciate it." Yeah.

0:41:05 Thomas: Yeah. A hundred percent. But the thing in question was being sad about my grandma dying so I never knew yes and like I always from I that day I knew something was different about me because the entire room of people nobody apparently gave I don't understand to this day like people were sad but like not really go

0:42:18 Tom: Ask you this, though, because, like, I am of a pretty firm opinion that for the most part, kids don't belong at funerals. And in part, it's because of what you're describing, right? Like, a funeral is very much an adult grieving ritual that doesn't seem to translate down into into kids at all. So, like, you've got adults who show up and they have different ways of, like, expressing their grief and different, like, social norms around showing grief in this open sort of way.

And then you take kids who have none of those norms and none of those restrictions to their emotional output and you plug them into this very adult grieving ritual, and they feel weird and out of place and they don't understand what's going on. It just seems like they don't belong there. Like, their, to grieve seems like it should be not the funeral. Like, that seems like a space just designed not for kids in every way. Like, there's going to be kids who are like, yeah, I just really don't understand the permanence of death. And, like, I don't really have a connection with this older person maybe who's passed away. That was my experience most of my life. I was like, Yeah, an old person died. I'm like ,Yeah, I mean, my dad cares. I don'T. My job is to stand here, wear nice clothes, and be in uncomfortable shoes

0:43:07 Eli: Yeah. It's

0:43:07 Thomas: So

0:43:29 Tom: And wait for this to be over.

0:43:29 Eli: It's like how some kids don't belong at some weddings, right? It's not that kids don't belong at any weddings, there are lots of family weddings and those are lovely places for kids, but some kids don't belong at some WEDDIINGS. That's how I feel about all funerals. Right? If the bride and groom are going to do that weird sex possession garter thing, or if at any point anyone involved in the entire process of the wedding is going to du shots, there shouldn't be children in the building.

The children should be at home. Hey, we can't get a babysitter, too bad, you don't get to go. It's a grownups wedding where grownups are going act weird. That's how I feel about any funeral where the vibes might suck even a little. And for some reason, no matter what you do, no matter how old it is, no matter how few people love this person, fucking Ebenezer Scrooge mourning Jacob Marley, there is one person there who has to make the funeral all about them and their horrific loss. And you've got to be the insanity translator to be like, "Yeah, so Aunt Murgatroyd, she didn't get a lot of time outside of the house, and so she's really making this about her, but she's not actually that sad, she just wants attention." Attention. Hey, there's a little playground area over there, do you want to go, uh, you want to go check out the motorcycle themed funeral home?

0:44:09 Tom: Yeah.

0:44:44 Tom: No,

0:44:44 Eli: Yeah.

0:44:45 Thomas: I you guys never had any experience with having well I know max is probably too young but but Tom did you have any experience where you had to deal with like grief with the kids you know because I'm I'm very worried if if anything happens to the kids immediate grandparents or you I don't know how I'm gonna deal with that I don'T KNOW ESPECIALLY IF IF PHOEBE'S ANYTHING LIKE ME OR SOMETHING LIKE I KNOW HOW DO WE DEAL WITH WHEN A LITTLE KID HAS TO PROCESS SOMETHING THAT OBVIOUSLY EVEN ADULTS HAVE A HARD TIME processing.

0:45:12 Tom: Yeah, well, fortunate and unfortunate, right? So in our family, we've not had any big grief with the kids as a part of it. Part of that is because of the ways that we're unfortunate. So we're very, very isolated, and we have very small families. Families. So, you know, Haley and I and the kids, you know, we're here in Chicago, and the only local family we have is just my dad, full stop. So I don't have any grandparents or well, Even those folks, they're all hours away, you know. I mean, the closest family member to me is almost four hours away, and they're just not people we see there, and they're like my dad's cousins, you know what I mean, like like they're not like like I don't have aunts or uncles or grandparents in my life. And, you know, Haley's family is way down in North Carolina now, we haven't seen these folks in six, seven, eight years.

You So their connection, the kids' connection to a lot of these people is pretty tenuous because, you know, as little people, if you don't maintain it regularly, it kind of just falls off the memory train. So I feel both fortunate that we haven't had to deal with any big, big grief in our family. But a lot of it is because of the ways that we're very, very isolated, kind of a weird island. We're like a weird family island over here. Like we don't have anyone to reach out and connect to or, you know, connect with.

0:45:36 Thomas: Because one time someone didn't like a wooden figurine.

0:46:29 Eli: Yeah.

0:46:30 Tom: Yeah, we've been able to avoid that piece at the very least. So that's the advantage, I guess, of living in this sort of of socially, familiarly isolated space.

0:46:37 Eli: I know. Haley's ex took it really hard when they stopped making Four Locos. Um, I saw the uh the Facebook posts. Yeah.

0:46:45 Thomas: Well, perhaps we'll, perhaps, perhaps We'll, uh, covered another time, but I did want to say that I, uh some reason felt compelled to message my mom about this, who I, you don't talk to that often. Yeah. I, I, don't know why I texted her for what actually I texted because I was thinking about how much I love my kids. And so a few times I've been like, God, I love these kids. And I do know for all my mom's faults, she did love having kids. She did love us. She had a great time with us as kids. She just had no time or bandwidth at all for several reasons.

0:46:47 Tom: Really?

0:47:12 Eli: She just didn't protect you from the abuser. I get it, she was busy. No, I get you work nine to five, you can't stop someone from torturing your children emotionally. I get it. It's

0:47:15 Thomas: Okay. And so,

0:47:20 Tom: Seven to three, she was a teacher.

0:47:22 Eli: Busy. It's busy. Lydia can you please send me that? Okay, I would like that. Okay, as my ringtone, right?

0:47:22 Tom: Yeah.

0:47:25 Thomas: And so not much will bring me to, not much will bring my mom, but yeah, no, I got to defend my mom on that one. I was like, God, having kids is the best. I love these kids. And, you know, we're chatting. And then I was, like, oh, yeah, we were at this funeral. I don't know if Lydia told you about it. And then, I remembered the whole my grandma thing. I, like completely forgotten. And, I was , like, yeah. I remember that time. And, . . I just wanted to. . . I don't know why. But, I just kind of want to mention to my mom. Because, I w as curious what she would say about that. Because, we haven' t talked about it since. You know, it's 1996 or whatever.

0:47:57 Tom: What was her perception of it?

0:47:59 Thomas: Yeah. Yeah. So, I.. . I told her. I was.. . Like, yeah, do you remember when we had this funeral? And I was like, just hysterical for the, like, how I have no concept of time back then. I don't know if it was, it could have been an hour. I was just crying, like sobbing, and this funeral. And, she was like. Yeah, yeah, no, that was, that was awful. I felt so bad for you. And I expected, I don't know what I expected.

But I was, like, I wonder what she'll say. Like, will she say, I want to know if she had any thoughts about it. If she, if it, how know, because if it were the three of us and something something happened with our kids in this way, you know that we would be fucking podcasting and thinking about it, we'd be like, god, you know, the other day fucking was crying so much and that he was just hysterical when his grandma died, like, we would be thinking about that, right? I mean, like, we'd be like, I, is was that normal amount of crying, do I need to give him therapy, do I knew, whatever, and

0:48:45 Eli: Yeah.

0:48:45 Thomas: You know, my mom was like, yeah, I just felt so bad for you, I didn't know what to do, and I was like, you know, and then that was, that was it, like, moving on, yeah.

0:48:52 Eli: And Then I never thought about it again because Thomas, In your mom's defense, she cannot open that fucking door, okay? Like, if she ever has the thought, maybe I shoulda, she's gonna take a kitchen knife and go full The Happening on herself, you can't, you don't have time for the shoulda when you were married to Gary Smith or whatever the fuck your dad's name was, okay, you got nothing but the present, she is the perfect Buddhist, she is looking straight in the now.

0:48:54 Thomas: Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

0:49:22 Tom: But, like, will I come to your mom's defense, because I think the thing she said is the truest thing. She didn't know what to do. And just, like—I'm like, yeah, all right. Like, I've been in situations with the kids where I'm like— I don't know what t o do. Now, I don t, like generally, just throw my hands up and don't do anything, but, like... Yeah, sometimes we're just in a spot where, like… Fuck, I d o n t have that resource. I d on t know w h a t t h e f u c k t o d o. So, like I get that part, right? Like, l get it. I'm there with her.

0:49:30 Thomas: Stupid.

0:49:48 Eli: It's never happened, never will, never happened, ever will, can't, can't sleep, won't sleep, if you never stop running, they can't catch you, all right, gentlemen, before we go, I've got some news. I've fallen in love with a girl who only knows four vowels. She doesn't even know I exist.

0:49:58 Tom: Oh my god oh my god I

0:50:22 Clip: Want to meet sexy DILFs in your area? Email the dads at DearOldDads.com or, better yet, send us a message on Patreon. You can follow us on all social media by checking the links in the show notes. And if you need more podcasts in your life, you can find Tom on Cognitive Dissonance, Thomas on Serious Inquiries Only, and Eli on Godawful Movies and all the Puzzle in the Thunderstorm shows. Dear Old Dads is edited and produced by my favorite DILF, Tom Smith, who also wrote and recorded the intro music, which is used with his permission. This podcast is a production of Daddy Issues LLC. Copyright 2022. All rights reserved.

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