DOD51: New Shoes

Transcript

This transcript was generated automatically and may contain errors — the audio is the record.

0:00:28 Tom: Dear Old Dads, the podcast that's vision is based on movement. I'm Tom Curry. I've joined as always by Thomas Smith and Eli Bosnick. Hello, gentlemen.

0:00:42 Thomas: I just spit all over everything like that one dinosaur that kills Newman in the original yeah. I thought it'd be a funny tie-in but fuck, my oh my god, I gotta, my shit just, it's everywhere. Yeah, I gotta fucking

0:00:46 Eli: Oh, sure, yeah. And I was...

0:00:47 Tom: Yes. Well, you should film that and put that on your OnlyFans.

0:00:54 Thomas: Yeah. Yeah, do, maybe that's just a sex thing with that dinosaur, you know? Do we know? Like, maybe he just wanted to fuck Newman. Like, maybe, maybe that dinosaur in their culture, Newman is like a sex God. And he's like, Hey buddy. And Newman didn't understand. He's just trying to steal the embryos or whatever. And look into this.

0:01:05 Eli: That's true. Yeah. On the dinosaur subtitles. Yeah, let's check it out.

0:01:16 Tom: Turn on the dinosaur subtitles. You got to get like one of those, like, like translators, like, "I'm sorry, I didn't catch that. If you could speak directly into the phone, it's a little glitchy."

0:01:17 Thomas: That would be a really funny bit. They they do the bad lip reading. That'd be funny to just do it like a dinosaur, after all these years, they finally released the dinosaur subtitle cut. And then just like every time put some bullshit in it. That's actually a really funny idea. I'm going to edit this out and do that.

0:01:32 Tom: Oh, Jesus.

0:01:32 Eli: Yeah. Like the Bullshit Bullshit Project. Did you ever go... Did you see that back in the... So in the bygone days of YouTube, you could just volunteer to do the subtitles for any YouTube video.

0:01:41 Thomas: No.

0:01:50 Eli: And so this one guy started something called the Bullshit Bullshit Project, which is where he would do the subtitles in English for like C -SPAN or political speeches and stuff. And those things are super long. And he was like a professional transcriber. But whenever someone he didn't like would talk, he would just write bullshit, bullshit, Bullshit bullshit, who?

0:01:50 Thomas: Oh, wow.

0:02:10 Tom: It's Like, did you ever see that, that, that guy, um, who decided to, I don't remember, it was a guy or a gal, but, um, who was supposed to be the the person who was doing the sign language, the ASL interpretation. And They just made it up, they, every detail, yes.

0:02:22 Eli: Makes it up? Yes, absolutely. No.

0:02:22 Thomas: Oh yeah. So hey, everybody, I, by the way, I've just made a cool discovery, um, forgot, or either that or my previous two kids didn't do it, but I forgot there's a new level of hell screaming that you can reach, that you can unlock when you level up your baby enough. And I didn't realize it's

0:02:40 Tom: That that's fun, because their, their initial level of screaming is, I mean, it's just so gentle, and wonderful and right?

0:02:46 Thomas: A 10 out of 10 already. Yeah, exactly.

0:02:49 Tom: Yeah, that's good, that's great, good is there, yeah.

0:02:49 Thomas: You don't think there's much room in the spectrum of human suffering for there to be much more. Like, it doesn't seem like there could be.

0:02:57 Tom: Is there, a way to turn these fire alarms up, we gotta turn the fire alarms up.

0:03:00 Eli: Right, like,

0:03:00 Thomas: Oh my God, you say fire Alarm. Arm. I've been trying to think of a way to describe what it is, because it, like, I'm, I don't know, again, I don't know if every kid is the same, I don't know how to put this into words, and the, every time I envision myself describing this, I'd suffer from the very thing you just said, Tom, which is everyone's gonna be like, well, yeah, that's a baby screaming already, is really, but yeah, I get it, was, it was the baby screaming was a 10 out of 10, so don't, that's already there, and now it's a 14 out of 10 because Remy has sprung a tooth, he's a teething baby already, which like a day old, he's, kids get early teeth, I don't know what that is, we just got a lot of calcium or something, I don't know, but

0:03:01 Tom: Yeah.

0:03:33 Tom: Does he get multiple rows? Did the first set fall out, like, when he eats, do you find them washed up on the beach at all?

0:03:43 Eli: A shark

0:03:44 Thomas: Yeah.

0:03:44 Eli: Yeah, no.

0:03:44 Tom: Oh.

0:03:44 Thomas: We'll see, we'll see, Arlo. It was genuinely shocking, he got two at a time every time, and so he was done, and then it multiplies by two, so he had like 1096 teeth, I think, is those powers of two or whatever, no, but yeah, so now there's a screaming which is already, again, it's already horrible, but he's added like a fucking whistle ringing, you know, know, when it maxes out the decibels and it gets to that, like, horrible, it is fire alarm-esque, but it's like that, that almost like a whistle or like a bell, do you know what I mean, it's so hard to describe because

0:03:46 Tom: Yeah.

0:04:20 Eli: Not

0:04:17 Tom: I yeah dude amen yeah, when, when

0:04:21 Eli: At all, he's added a bell to his cries, like

0:04:26 Thomas: He's added a, like, like at the top of it, but it's, it's the highest pitch available to suffering ears, like, it's so, it's, you know, I mean, it's a ringing, almost, do you, what, I, I mean, Tom, it's

0:04:28 Eli: He, yet, no

0:04:28 Tom: Oh

0:04:36 Eli: Stop stop, stop, it, stop saying that, no I don't know what you mean

0:04:37 Tom: Yeah man, like there's there's like, like, your, when your baby starts crying, they have a different cry kind of, depending on, kind of, like, what level of distress they're in, you can kind of suss it out, like, oh, they're just, they're, they're grouchy because they're tired, they're hungry, like, it's a, a different cry, but like, when they're in distress, when they're in pain, they cry in a way that, like, reaches right down into, like, the jangled fucking frayed nerves that are barely holding you together as an early parent, and then it shakes the ever-loving shit out of those nerves, Amon, when Amon was little, I think that's what I said before, like, Amon was colicky, but he was like very severely, literally, colicky. We didn't know why he was colicky, and come to find out, he had severe anemia, and anemia sucks.

0:05:24 Tom: It's really unpleasant, and we had no idea that he was anemic because he had a terrible pediatrician, and so for the first 14 months of his life, we couldn't figure out why this fucking kid literally, Thomas, this kid never wasn't screaming like

0:05:05 Thomas: Yeah whoa yeah oh my god that's

0:05:38 Tom: That unless he was nursing or asleep.

0:05:40 Thomas: Horrible, yeah.

0:05:41 Tom: Unless Amon was nursing or asleep, he was screaming like he was in terrible pain. And he was screaming like he's in terrible pain because he was. Terrible pain. Like he was anemic as fuck. And like, we just didn't get, yeah, no, yeah.

0:05:49 Thomas: Yeah because he was an asshole oh no, he's into yeah

0:05:52 Eli: Yeah that's why he's the third favorite kid, I've always said it.

0:05:55 Tom: He he was soup. I felt so bad because, like, he was premature. So when you're, when, when babies are born, they should have a certain amount of iron stores built up in their system, and then breast milk contains no iron, so if they are breastfeeding, they don't get any iron, if they're premature, which Amon was, they have had less time to build those iron stores, and then Amon had some feeding difficulties, so the, for the first couple of years of his life, he didn't eat any, like, it was really a struggle to get him to, to eat, but food, like, baby food is fortified with iron, and so even if you breastfeed, a lot of pediatricians will recommend iron supplements, if they don't recommend iron supplements, but your baby is eating normally, that's probably going to be okay because those cereals and things are fortified iron, but Amen was exclusively breastfeeding, premature, so it had low iron stores, and then nobody gave us any advice to give Amen iron supplementation.

0:05:55 Thomas: Yeah I would not have fucking known that, wait,

0:06:55 Tom: Even though, they knew that, like, wasn't eating, so he wasn't getting any of those fortified materials, and, and we're very pale anyway, like, my family is very, very pale, so we just, I mean, like, we have like essentially like no melanin in our skin, like, we burn if we get near somebody bright, so, like, it's just, it's how we all look, we're ghosts, and

0:07:13 Thomas: Tom, you're white, I didn't know that, okay.

0:07:15 Eli: Uh, explain.

0:07:16 Thomas: I don't see race, so yeah yeah that

0:07:17 Eli: Yeah

0:07:16 Tom: The poor fucking kid was screaming screaming all the time because he was so anemic, and finally went to the emergency room for something else, and they took some blood, no, no, went to the doctor for something else, they took some blood, and then he immediately got transferred to an emergency room for iron infusions, and he had to do regular iron infusions for several months, so like

0:07:35 Thomas: Probably isn't as badass as it sounds, like, because that that should be something cool. There should be some like chains or, yeah.

0:07:40 Eli: Yeah,

0:07:38 Tom: No iron infusions, tid, not he couldn't like, yeah, no, jets on his feet, couldn't fly at all, like, his bullshit, his total bullshit. So, like, I totally get it, Thomas. Like that kid, like, like, that scream, that, like, constant, like, I'm in distress scream. It's rough.

0:07:44 Eli: Now

0:07:53 Thomas: Well, it's also, Tom, it's also a technique question. It's a technique and instrument question. They can't do it when they're first born. They can. There's an added, look, it is. I'm already saying, I know I'm going to hear it. Oh, no, my baby's screaming. No, I was already a 10 out of 10. He was a million percent screaming, but he's He's gotten bigger and there's more to his instrument now, you know, like there's more force and he's able to get that fucking resonant. You know how it's not that hard or it's not that easy to play reed instrument. You know, you got, I don't know how to do it.

You gotta, you gotta get that technique to get that reed really fucking, but Yeah, yeah. But the tuba has a high, super high pitch register. That's even worse because it's, it's like so fucking loud and being just blasting my mind. So it's, it's a new unlock technique slash, you know, fucking equipment upgrade that He's working with and it's just, and feel like the first job as a dad who, you know, I'm not breastfeeding and I, we don't have easily accessible, I can't, I can get milk if, you know, I have a 45 minutes to go fucking get out of the freezer and do all that.

0:08:01 Tom: Right. Ugh.

0:08:24 Eli: He's got a tuba.

0:08:57 Eli: Oh,

0:08:57 Thomas: It's all, it's, yeah,

0:08:58 Eli: Okay. I thought you were talking about from your own body. I was like, what are you doing, man?

0:09:01 Tom: Yeah! For a second, Eli, I thought the same thing.

0:09:02 Thomas: No, you can't, you know how if you focus, yeah.

0:09:05 Tom: He's like, I can lactate if I really need to. You know, I'm not just gonna go around lactating unless it's necessary, you know? It gets in the way of the hockey game.

0:09:11 Thomas: Well, it takes, it takes some concentration. Like you gotta, no

0:09:14 Tom: Right.

0:09:14 Eli: I have to watch the first 45 minutes of chicken run. And then it just like a

0:09:18 Thomas: The notebook I got. Yeah. I just get something to get the, yeah and then I focus on the nipple and then it comes out, but it just takes a while. I've got, I can't. I'm only a man. I can do it right away.

0:09:20 Eli: Faucet. Yeah.

0:09:27 Tom: Right.

0:09:27 Thomas: But it's whatever situation I'm in up to now, except for one time when it was like, all right, Lydia's leaving. I watching the baby. Got the bottle ready. It's always like, oh, she's just about just Lydia's just about getting back and this is not her fault, this is not a criticism of her, it's just always like happens to be, oh, she's like 10 minutes out and so the, you, I go through the fucking a 10 minute process of heating up milk and then she gets here anyway, wastes our precious store of milk, the answer is always no, I'm like all right I'll just fucking wait it out but the primary job in that, in that situation is to A, not kill the baby and Be, not die, I think is the order of that, but it's like to mentally through the anguish of the scream from hell that's just not possible to keep your brain from blaming your baby anyway, I'll just speak for myself, that's my primary job and it's, it's not that hard, it's, I can do it, it's

0:09:55 Tom: Right. Wait.

0:10:17 Tom: Why do you not blame the baby like you can blame the baby

0:10:17 Thomas: Yes.

0:10:18 Eli: Wait, sorry. Sorry, your struggle is not getting pissed off at your baby. Priority number one, not...

0:10:24 Tom: You've

0:10:24 Thomas: Yes. Oh. Yeah. Eli. You've never gotten upset at your baby irrationally I know it's irrational, but. But when you are confronted, especially the first, like, 30 seconds of this new scream. Like Because, I've already settled, you know, I've settled. Okay, I understand, Remy, the torture that you're capable of. Like, all right, okay. And then he unlocks this new power. And for that, you Know, I need to adjust for a second. So for like a minute, I was like, no, no.

0:10:29 Tom: Never gotten mad at the baby, yeah. You

0:10:54 Thomas: I'm like really in denial with him. I'm like, no, man, you're not doing, no way, come on, come on. Yeah, I thought I was dealing with this and you've developed a new hellish fucking banshee scream, no. And so like it takes a minute to well

0:11:08 Tom: Don't get mad at the baby. Eli, I mean, like I know you wouldn't say it or do it, but like you never just like shut the fuck up

0:11:13 Thomas: You can say they don't understand this yes

0:11:13 Eli: No, I definitely had moments of... Here's the phrasing. The phrasing was, the number one priority when your baby has discovered a new scream is not to challenge him to a fist fight.

0:11:27 Eli: You guys know how your first instinct when your child screams in hellish pain is like, like, oh man, I want to uppercut this baby so bad. Also like I I want to be clear Thomas is an amazing dad and like wonderful and attentive and all that stuff, but when you were like, oh, it's always 10 minutes, I'm just picturing like Remy starts screaming, you look down at your phone, ah, she'll be home in like 45 minutes, what am I gonna do, get up and heat up milk Remy

0:11:35 Tom: Yes. Yes. Yes. He just

0:11:37 Thomas: Well. Uh. No. Yeah.

0:11:50 Thomas: Yeah. She'll be home in a week Yeah. It'll be fine. Fine.

0:11:56 Tom: Walks into the nursery and shuts the door slowly, like, don't ask me about my business, Remy.

0:12:01 Eli: Already achieving priority number which is not punching you right in your fucking dick so I think heating up milk is a bit too far

0:12:11 Tom: Right

0:12:04 Thomas: Not killing you. But you're stuck as a dad. Again, if you don't, if you're not formula you feeding, or you're not in a situation like sometimes I am where I'm ready for it because I'm looking after the baby while Lydia is doing something. This was just a, oh, she'll be back from the dropping off Arlo at school real quick, but there was a complication with that, so it took a little longer. Anyway, the point is there's nothing I'm doing because he's inconsolable. There's no, you know, there's no like, oh, if I like, you know, the movie we watched for the bonus, if I tell him the right joke or something, like he'll be, no, he's, it's impossible, he's, he's, he's a bomb. You're holding an old timey bomb. That's just also already exploding on you.

0:12:45 Eli: Yeah yeah movies always have that moment where the baby's crying and they discover what makes the baby stop crying, right, where they're like wait a second, walk like a man, talk like a man and then the baby starts clapping and learns words and there's not a scene in the movie where the baby's just crying and you're just like literally saying to yourself like, time passes, no matter what I do and if I just continue to stay in this state well

0:13:13 Tom: Yep

0:12:59 Thomas: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. That's what I'm saying. I'm just talking about the battle of my mental prison in that moment because I'm still holding him just, but like, oh

0:13:19 Eli: No, you're trying not to stab him, you're

0:13:22 Thomas: I'm not trying, I'm, but like genuinely I would

0:13:25 Tom: But I did hide all the steak knives in the house, I did, I'm not trying not to stab them, but But, you know, I don't trust myself either.

0:13:27 Eli: Writing the baby an angry email hey

0:13:28 Thomas: No but like no, okay, so you know how it actually, I get the comedy, I haha, but like how it actually is, is you know, you're trying to comfort your child, they're like, oh Remy, it's okay, right, oh you're okay, but you know, doing whatever you can, and does nothing, does fucking nothing, but you're trying, you know, oh baby I'm sorry you're in pain, I'm so, I'm just saying for that first like minute that he developed that new scream, it was like, oh I'm sorry, no, hey, no, hey, hey, this is too far this is too far.

0:13:43 Tom: No,

0:13:53 Eli: Come on bud I already

0:13:54 Tom: Don't.

0:13:55 Thomas: This is Remy Remy I've been reasonable up till now.

0:13:56 Eli: Demonstrated sitting across from a meeting table you slide across comfort, he slides back a piece of paper that just says wah, and you're like, now okay this isn't even a counter meet

0:14:08 Tom: Rep

0:14:02 Thomas: Yeah. Yeah yeah yeah it really it's so funny and I also like part of part of getting through it to myself is kind of doing comedy to myself a little bit because I'm just like, no, this is Remy too far, too far, you've taken it too far, oh my god, it's bad, I almost recorded it, but then I think it would, my phone would have shattered into a thousand pieces and exploded because of the screaming

0:14:12 Eli: Me in the middle here bud well let me give you a little tip, because, uh, I don't know, Thomas, you're you're in the middle of it, and Tom, you're past it, but, uh, here's a little solution that I did when Max would scream like that and sort of be inconsolable. Did you try asking your wife 850,000 super stupid questions questions. Like, do you, did you feed him? Is it too hot? Is it too cold? Does he have milk leg? Can you look up all the symptoms again? Hey, I was just Googling this on WebMD. Do you know if anyone in your family has a history of Tay-Sachs disease? If you just ask your wife all those questions all the time, all day and all night until your child is 18 years old, there's never a moment where you feel helpless because you're torturing a woman. It sort of made you pass along like Like, the way you feel

0:14:47 Thomas: Like if you fed him did you feed him have you fed him, is he did you beat him yeah uh yeah

0:15:19 Eli: About not trying to punch Remy, that's how my wife felt the first nine months.

0:15:21 Thomas: How about you yeah, she's actually fine with Max, it's just you that is the hard part to deal with, um uh

0:15:29 Eli: Now, T-Dog, let me ask you this. Is Remy at Tylenol age yet?

0:15:34 Thomas: I forget, I'm sorry, I don't remember, oh I haven't given him any yet

0:15:36 Eli: Okay, the second Max was ready for Tylenol, I had that kid on an IV drip of Tylenol. And to this day. And, oh, by the way, I remember the first time we talked about Tylenol, I was like, you can give as much Tylenol as you want. And Someone was like, don't say that in the air. So like, hey, don't ever ever ever take medical advice from this podcast, like, not even close to If You Heard Me No Nobody On This podcast, nobody On this podcast should You ever don't even research the stuff we say, don't be like, oh that sounds like it could be, no, blank slate, that is just, it's noise, it's ocean yeah um but seriously though give your kid a whole bottle of Tylenol because it fucking rules, can I say, and, yeah, are there some papers that say it causes is add and HD, ADHD, I don't know, I didn't bother to Google it, but it doesn't matter because it makes them stop crying right then and there, that's

0:15:37 Thomas: Yeah yeah right well from Eli like you maybe could listen to Tom right sure okay sure yeah yeah

0:15:59 Tom: No.

0:16:11 Thomas: Entertainment purposes only. Only. Entertainment versus only, but Only thing that might be worse though, Eli is, uh, your favorite thing about the show. Actually, maybe I should do that. I should get the auto ads going while Remy's going. See which is worse.

0:16:42 Tom: Oh, oh,

0:16:43 Eli: Right see, from now on, if you're not a patron, we're gonna do the auto ads, Remy's cry and then more auto ads, but but if you are over at patreon.com/dearolddads, not only do you get a special uh story at at the end of every single episode, but you'll never hear those auto ads, and if you're wondering which auto ads I got this week, it was uh an ad in Spanish about AT&T, so really they're nailing it with the target markets there, yeah no, they're really crushing it, ads in Spain about AT&T, and hey, if you're, if you're lucky and below the Mason Dixon line, you're almost certainly going to get a weird Jesus ad that lied to us about what kind of ad they are, so you're welcome for that, you

0:16:43 Tom: Yes, yes. The auto ads are the screaming and pain of podcasting, 100%.

0:17:12 Thomas: Oh yeah. They got you. Yeah. They got.

0:17:28 Thomas: I want to say a couple of things, too. I leave these in for patrons for two reasons. A, usually they're incredibly funny, although this one is fine. B, but yeah, no, that's all right.

0:17:37 Tom: You kind of phoned it in, Eli. You know, that's what we're saying. We had

0:17:40 Eli: Know. No.

0:17:41 Thomas: They're not all 100 percent.

0:17:42 Tom: You carry the water. And you spilled a little. That's kind of what we're saying right now.

0:17:44 Thomas: Yeah, they're not always.

0:17:44 Eli: No. It's I'm Glad we're doing notes on air, it's cool. I'm just glad, I'm glad we've reached that place. Okay.

0:17:49 Thomas: But B, also, I can preview some patron stuff and, you know, for patrons listening who are not having to go through the Havana noise syndrome of fucking Remy screaming and the auto ads. God, there's a monthly bonus that went exactly as Eli planned, perfectly how he wanted it.

0:18:07 Eli: No, everyone needs to listen to this bonus, because this bonus, which I thought would be like, here's some fun content, what descended instantly into the terrifying depths of both Tom and Thomas's minds. Like, if, if you want to know, hey, Phoebe, Arlo, Remy, and the other kids, if play that bonus episode for your therapist, you don't need to do any more sessions. They're just going to know what happened.

0:18:26 Thomas: They're not listening.

0:18:36 Eli: They've got it, kiddos. Just here's the pill. Here's how often to take it.

0:18:35 Tom: I thought this

0:18:40 Thomas: Eli's plan was not to have us reveal our depravity or our psychological deficits. He wanted just a jaunt, a nice old time where we

0:18:44 Eli: No! I wanted a nice little...

0:18:49 Tom: Whole show was to reveal our psychological deficits. I thought that was the point of it.

0:18:50 Thomas: Exactly yeah I'm with you Tom I think Eli's, oh

0:18:51 Eli: I wanted to break from that.

0:18:55 Tom: Eli

0:18:56 Eli: Just one, one bonus episode off to talk about what you name your pirate ship. That's all I wanted, just a breather.

0:18:59 Thomas: Poor Eli. Uh, so all that to look forward to, and, uh, not auto ads, so patreon.com/dearolddads, do it please. Thank you so much. Oh.

0:19:10 Eli: Oh. While we're doing announcements, Tom, Tom, you and Hayley were just on a podcast. Yeah.

0:19:23 Thomas: Yeah Yeah.

0:19:23 Tom: We Were, yeah, thank you. So, um, I'd like everybody, uh, to head over and listen to a show, uh, Haley and I did. It's episode number 30 of a program called Benzo Tired. It's B-E-N-Z-O-T-I-R-E-D. Um, you can find it on, on Spotify and Google Play. I, personal show. I know I've mentioned on this program and on Cognizant that Haley's had some health struggles. Show really kind of goes into what those struggles are, where they originate from. It's a very personal show, but I'd like to just ask people to head over and take a listen to it. It means a lot to both her and to myself. So it's called Benzo Tired. You can, can listen on Spotify or on Google Play. And I think those are the two primary places that the gentleman posed to.

0:20:05 Thomas: By the way, might genuinely help you or someone, you know, not go down the same path, which was fucking tragic. So for real.

0:20:14 Tom: Yeah, that is why I'm asking people To listen. If you guys head over and listen, you'll get some insight into who we are as a couple and as people. And that's great. And I know that that's a big part of it. But also, we just really want people to not get fucked over the way that we got fucked over and to have a little bit of knowledge about it.

0:20:16 Thomas: Yeah. Yeah,

0:20:29 Eli: Don't Want anyone to like get the wrong impression or anything. Hayley is faking it as well, and she sort of talks about it on the app, why she's faking. It's for attention and um, it's really she gets a chance to sort of get that out there, and Tom calls her out in some really positive ways. I

0:20:33 Tom: Oh, my God. Right yeah right It's it's very confrontational, shockingly confrontational. It's

0:20:47 Eli: Need I need Hayley to stay sick because I just realized how much of my ass she's gonna kick when she hears me say that. So, uh, yeah, and don't head over to that podcaster I don't know, I'm gonna, I'll figure it out, I'll figured it out.

0:20:47 Tom: Uh, oh my god

0:20:51 Thomas: Everybody.

0:21:02 Eli: To of the Hayley kicks Eli's ass bonus episode whenever she's feeling I'm

0:21:03 Thomas: Yeah, next month's bonus content,

0:21:02 Tom: Thank and again, check out our only fans if you want to see Hayley beat the shit out of Eli. Yes.

0:21:07 Thomas: Just, yeah.

0:21:10 Eli: Oh, man, you want to talk about money making ventures.

0:21:10 Thomas: Oh, I do actually. We, yeah yeah. Let's talk, let's talk off air guys. Let's uh, let's figure out how to monetize all that. Uh, right. I got a quick update for you on something. Um, listening heard the Arlo soccer debacle. Got a little update, got little a perfect perfect fucking Arlo end to that story. So we

0:21:14 Tom: Yes.

0:21:31 Eli: So, drop him off in his pajamas and a pair of high heels.

0:21:33 Tom: With a thimble full of water. Just I don't hold it up to the sky, son, if it rains, fill it up. I

0:21:37 Eli: Yeah. Exactly. Wait,

0:21:36 Thomas: Of, no, No, I decided, I was, like, okay, I have a week. It's a week between things. I'm going to do this. I'm the sports dad. I'll take him to the sports store and buy some sports. We're going to fucking buy one sports, please, and I'm gonna get him the shit that he needs, and it's gonna be good. And then what happened was of course I'm way too fucking busy all the time, so it was Friday, the day of, and I was like, fuck, okay, I gotta take him. So I picked him up early from school. I'm still, I feel like this is still reasonably good dad territory.

I of five, it was like three, so I was, okay, we're good, and there's a sports store right, like, you know, a mile from his school. I was, was like, this will be great. We'll go do this. And so I was picking out all the soccer stuff, and it was a bit of an adventure through Arlo's, you know, again, it's, it's not sensory, unless you count how the clothes, and I'm genuinely not sure when people say, like, oh, they have a sensory problem with clothes, that include, like, he just doesn't like the colors or the patterns of them or what's on them? Or I thought that was like that meant like they

0:22:14 Eli: OK, it

0:22:45 Thomas: Don't like like the feel of it.

0:22:46 Tom: I thought usually it was like, I don't like the feel of them usually. It's related to usually, my understanding. Yeah.

0:22:47 Thomas: Yeah. That's what I thought too. Okay. I wasn't.

0:22:49 Eli: It's it's so hard when someone says something like that because that is often a cue for like autism, autism spectrum, neuro spiciness of some flavor or another. But also sometimes they just mean like not on your kid just doesn't like it. The shirts are scratchy. But because that parlance has become sort of a substitutional and polite way to talk to people about whether or not their kid might or might not be differently abled. We have to do this weird like puzzle game game where someone's like, riddles three, I have for your son likes to count matchsticks in the bright young don, and you're like, no, I just, he just doesn't like apples.

0:23:04 Tom: Right yeah

0:23:08 Thomas: Yeah, yeah, but, yeah, but even that he's it's not the feel. I thought it was at first. Cause he would fight it. And you know, anytime a kid fights a shirt, like a straight jacket, it seems like that. But as I said, uh, on one of the previous episodes, he has some rationale every time. And it makes sense. Actually. One of them was like, no, the other kids wearing that, he has that same, you know, shirt, same dinosaur shirt. And this one, he's like, oh, I don't like the color. He has a lot of color preferences. It's really interesting. He doesn't like certain colors. He's like, nah.

Um, and so I take him to the soccer shorts part first. I was like, all right, let's grab some, uh, some soccer shorts. And he was like, fuck this. I'm not, every single pair. He was like, no, I just, none of these. And I was like, dude, there's a lot, uh, there's a lot to cut looking over the year. There's these ones, there are these colors. But I think he, he didn't like just the look of the soccer shorts, and I don't blame him, they all kind of, I'll be honest, for a kid when you have the exposure to the sport and you like the sport, oh, never, I forget who I'm talking to, okay, everybody except Tom

0:23:29 Tom: Man, okay, OK.

0:24:26 Eli: Yep

0:24:26 Thomas: And Eli, when you're into a sport and you like this sport, you see who's playing it, you see what they wear, and then you kind of want to wear it. You're like, oh yeah, okay, this, yeah, the gear, the shorts, they're a little weird, but you know, then I'm a soccer player, whatever. It is like that tends to be the kid thing, you know, at least it was for me. You want to wear the jersey because it's, you know, even though it's, if you don't know, know anything, like Arlo, you know, if you're just kind of a blank slate of life, and then you see like sports attire, it's weird. You're like, what is that? Why are they wearing that weird, you know, material? And so he kind of wasn't into it. So I was like, all right, that's fine, that's fine. You don't need to wear the official fucking soccer shorts of Nike, whatever.

0:24:59 Eli: Everyone's gonna think dad is a letdown, but it's cool, no, it's good if you don't like him, I'll

0:25:01 Thomas: So I Was like,

0:25:03 Tom: Every day, I'm a little more disappointed in you than the last, but It's OK, I'm not mentioning it to anyone. On air

0:25:06 Eli: I'll on the bleachers next to meth dad, it's fine, no, it' it's fine, Arlo, whatever, exactly.

0:25:11 Tom: Because

0:25:13 Thomas: Alright, we'll go with like regular, still shorts, and still sporty shorts, but like they're not the specifically soccer -y weird ones, because those, they're like shiny, I don't know, I don't, I fucking don't like soccer, but the they're a little weird so I get it, I was like, yeah, I understand, that's reasonable, no, I set that aside for later, and then, uh, I wanted to get him cleats because, you know, we've established I'm trying to not have him be the, the poor kid, um, and Gotta say, when it comes to look, small kid stuff is already cute as hell. Just, I love, I'm shamelessly, I fucking love small versions of things. That's probably why we have three kids.

0:25:36 Eli: Thank you, that

0:25:50 Thomas: 'Cause it's super cute. Um, more shit that's not like, the more detail the cuter, you know, like the mor, you know, when they make that whole like meal for a tiny, uh, Do they do those videos you know, hamsters yeah, there's yeah Yeah.

0:25:50 Tom: Lydia

0:25:59 Eli: Hamster yeah the hamster foods, yeah, yeah Yeah.

0:25:59 Tom: Yeah man that yeah the little, oh yeah, the little hamster burritos and everything those

0:26:05 Thomas: The more detail you get into it, the better, like the more intricate, the funnier it is, the nicer it is. So these cleats, man, they're so fucking cute because they're, they are like a small version of like the best possible cleats. They got everything. They look exactly right. And I got him to where I thought it was going to be impossible. And then here's the thing. I realized something that I'm sure every other parent is faster than me to realize. Like, Um, cause he was struggling. He's like, Like, these are weird. They're cleats. They are weird, you know? They got the weird spikes, but not spikes, because they're soccer. The essentially.

0:26:05 Tom: Things are fucking adorable.

0:26:35 Tom: Love that you're like, you know, they're like this, and I'm just like Like Cleats.

0:26:38 Thomas: Yeah. I know.

0:26:39 Tom: I don't have, never put a cleats on. Why would I

0:26:41 Thomas: You don't even know what cleats look like. They have little thingies to grab into the wet, you know, mud, soft, grassy mud of bullshit. And so, then I realized, it clicked, and this has happened a few times, and I feel embarrassed that it takes me this long, but it clicked. And I was like, oh, yeah, buddy, you know why they look like that? It's because it makes you run really fast on the grass. And then all of a sudden I unlocked a new world of possibilities that I can't believe I didn't think of. I'm an idiot. Cause now he's like, what makes you fast? I was like, yeah, you just wait, you put these on, you get on that grass. You're so fast. Cause cause that like grips into the grass and you don't slip. And he's like, okay. And he got into it and then he wanted to wear them. And then tried them on by the way, and started trying to run in the store. Door. I was like, no, dude, they got to be just grass. They got to like instantly fell over.

0:27:01 Tom: Nice. That's it, it's

0:27:24 Eli: No, it's for grass. Yeah. Yeah.

0:27:27 Tom: Terrible for everything that's not grass, ass. So nice.

0:27:29 Thomas: And It really is. And I also got him because he's been wearing hand-me-down shoes again, because we can't, we bought nice shoes for him, but he decided, no. This is before we figured out he has really strong preferences. We'll never make that mistake again. He's going to pick out all his fucking shit from now on. Cause I'm not, we're not doing this. Anyway, we bought him nice shoes. He hated them. This was like fucking, I don't know, half a year ago. And so he had to wear Phoebe's old Moana shoes, nothing wrong with that, but they, they're, they're not really good for running, they're kind of, they were meant to be like these nicer shoes that the kids have, but he's just worn the shit out of them every day, you know, and so there's worn out Moana shoes. And so I was like, hey buddy, also if you want to, we can get some shoes that are really good for running, like running, they'll, you'll be so fast because they're really good, they'll grip on the a pavement at school, he's

0:28:10 Tom: Oh, he's gonna think they're shoes for everything, like he's going to get his first girlfriend, like, these are my fucking shoes, I put them on. I fuck better.

0:28:19 Eli: These are my fucking shoes. This is the only way my dad could get me to do stuff when I was four. So he's basically been telling me that certain things and articles of clothing and life decisions will make me super fast.

0:28:22 Tom: I gotta eat your ass. I gotta get my ass eating cravat. Hang on a second, that's a cravat situation.

0:28:36 Thomas: Like, yeah, I, I'm gonna come, hold on, I gotta, I got to put on these shoes, it's just a thing, yeah.

0:28:39 Eli: Gotta put on my cumming shoes.

0:28:42 Thomas: He's, like, oh, shit, I're gonna come too fast, let me take off my fast -coming shoes.

0:28:45 Eli: Let me take a...

0:28:45 Tom: I Gotta get the shoes off kick the shoes. I didn't get the shoe, I'm sorry, babe, I didn't get the SHOES off, yeah.

0:28:48 Thomas: Damn it, sorry.

0:28:49 Eli: I've always said that's my problem is I'm wearing the wrong shoes. Shoes, no.

0:28:54 Thomas: And I cannot fucking believe, again, I just tend to be a really truthful person. Like I don't, I don't like lying at all in general. So it's not my impulse, but this is not really a lie. Like it is true that he's wearing these shoes. These Moana shoes are not fucking made for running. They are not like they were just a, you know, I don't even know what kind of shoe they are, but they're more of a, just like, Oh, they look good around. And I was like, yeah, but these are specifically designed. They got the grips.

0:28:55 Tom: Yeah,

0:29:17 Thomas: They got To everything, yeah.

0:29:17 Tom: Kids little kids don't need actual running, like, they're not going to be like, oh yeah, I'm doing an ultra marathon, uh, me and the other preschoolers, we're gonna hit, you know, we're doing, we're trying to bang out a good 50 miler, you know, just kind of get our, they're not doing, they're running around the fucking playground, they don't needs, and their shoes are plastic, like, little kids' shoes are plastic because they, they outgrow them as soon as you buy them, like, you buy kids' shoes, and you try them on in the store, and by the time you get, get out to the car, their, fucking toes are sticking out like hobo shoes, yeah.

0:29:38 Eli: Yeah, yeah, yeah, no, they burst out of them, like, a werewolf, yeah, yeah,

0:29:46 Tom: Do,

0:29:22 Thomas: Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. And Believe me, I'm mad about that, like, I'm mad I still have that residual cheapness from my dad of like, really, I'm gonna buy him shoes, he's gonna fucking, God, it's gonna be five minutes, he'll need a new pair of shoes, but that was very easily offset by the excitement that he might actually wear a different fucking pair of shows than the same one that he's worn to death, that his toes are poking out out of because he won't wear any other kind of shoe. I

0:30:07 Tom: Guys have like childhood memories of like a brand new pair of shoes and like wearing them out of the store and

0:30:14 Thomas: I bet we, you and I, do, and Eli doesn't, because this happened to us, I don't know, twice in our fucking lives, and Eli had every week got a new shoe probably is

0:30:19 Tom: Infrequently. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

0:30:22 Eli: Was Birthday, Christmas, shoe time at the Curry House household.

0:30:27 Thomas: That so, hold on, hold on, is that supposed to be a joke? I just, tell me, look at my right now, Eli, was that a punt, was that, that meant to be a punchline. Like, I'm just, I just like a genuinely.

0:30:28 Eli: 100 % a joke, 100 100 % yes, yeah, when

0:30:40 Thomas: Yeah. Birthdays and fucking Christmas was when you maybe would get something.

0:30:45 Eli: You got shoes, Jesus, fucking Christ, it's horrible, it's

0:30:46 Thomas: God. Yes. No. Often, often shoes would be once at the beginning of the school year. That would be. Yeah, it, no, those kids had better shoes beginning

0:30:52 Eli: Dickensian, it's Dikensian, is what it is. Right,

0:30:56 Tom: Dad and Lynn, they would get us shoes at the beginning, exactly at the the beginning of the school, you'd go, you go school shopping and Lynn would always take a school shopping. And she would buy you shoes that were too big. Cause you would grow into them.

0:31:01 Thomas: Of the year, yeah, right,

0:31:08 Tom: You'd be like, Oh, you're going to like, you got it. Like you wear a size five and you're like walking around, like tripping over yourself in size, like sevens. Right. And you're just like, ah, you'll grow into him. And they're like, these are fucking boat skis. What are you talking about? I'll grow in to them.

0:31:08 Thomas: Yeah, that's the yeah, yeah, Yep, yep, yeah, doesn't change you still get the same amount of time with shoes that fit, that doesn't, because but the way it offsets is you're forced to wear fucking boats on your feet that are uncomfortable and look silly because it might save your parents a little bit more time before they have to buy you a new pair of shoes. Yeah, no, I had all that.

0:31:25 Tom: Oh yes.

0:31:38 Tom: Think I told you, I, I sneaky joined the wrestling team. My senior Year of high school, I wasn't allowed to do sports, and I sneaky-joined the wrestling team. And I would go, and I never got to actually wrestle because my dad would have caught me. But I would go to the practices, and I would lift the weights, and I'd go, and I'd do the conditioning, and, like, I'd do the practices for a while, for a couple of months, until I kind of got caught. But I didn't have any of the gear, and I couldn't get the gear because, like, my dad would know about it, and I didn't really have any money at the time, or a car or anything. And so, my buddy Rick, who had also joined the wrestling team, he was like, dude, I'll give you a pair of shoes. And so he gave me a pair of, like, wrestling shoes, except for, I'm a size ten and a half, and this dude's like twelves. And so, like, I remembered, like, running around in the gym doing the conditioning, and I would trip and fall, like,

0:31:42 Thomas: Right. Oh boy. Yeah and

0:32:25 Tom: All the time, because they're fucking too big, right, yeah, yeah, these were wildly oversized,

0:32:30 Eli: Exactly. Right.

0:32:25 Thomas: Wrestling shoes are supposed to be essentially like fabric that goes over your foot like tightly over your feet. So, you have like elf shoes like you could twist them at the top into a little spiral.

0:32:35 Eli: The most yeah, clown

0:32:36 Tom: They curled up at the toe, and that's supposed to curl up at the toe, with a bell, I walk backwards. And then go off the boat, I remember

0:32:37 Thomas: Yeah Hold on,

0:32:38 Eli: Shoes, he's just slapping along, clack clack, could have joined the scuba team, yeah, exactly,

0:32:47 Thomas: Tom. What are the odds that Eli actually had I had a scuba team and that's not a joke. Now I don't know. I don't know what to think with this fucking rich ass.

0:32:47 Eli: You guys didn't have a scuba team? How did you learn to scuba dive?

0:32:56 Thomas: I don'' t know if you' re making a joke! I actually don' , hold

0:32:59 Eli: What do you mean How did you learn to scuba dive in your town without scuba teams? I don't understand poor people I don't t understand you that was offered by a public school district, it wasn't like

0:33:04 Tom: Oh, you guys aren't patty certified How do you get patty certify

0:33:14 Thomas: On, are you serious? What the fuck, scuba? You got,

0:33:15 Eli: Yes, of course course Yes

0:33:18 Tom: No, he's lying He did not get scuba what

0:33:19 Eli: Of course

0:33:19 Thomas: No, I can' t, I don '' t know what' s real.

0:33:20 Eli: I'm gonna I'm gonna literally

0:33:22 Thomas: I don'T know what' S real.

0:33:22 Eli: Find the Binghamton High School scuba team. I'm going to send you a link to it, I

0:33:24 Thomas: Scuba team! Oh my

0:33:26 Tom: Do they do as a team, do they do, like, synchronized scooping Yeah

0:33:26 Thomas: God. Have money?

0:33:31 Eli: Guess. Yeah, eat food when you're hungry, have, have new shoes whenever a wild hair lights up your ass

0:33:37 Thomas: I much as my childhood was pretty sad, there was nothing sadder than when Tom first told this story a while back, because I'm sure we have new listeners since then. Tom tried to join the wrestling team to have, you know, an ounce of fun in his sad, dismal fucking life, and he practiced, practiced hard, was great, practiced, he goes, they go to a match, a meet, a whatever, and you're not allowed to do it, because,

0:34:00 Tom: I couldn't go to the meet. I asked my coach, I was like, well, I'm never going to be able to get, get away with going to the meets because practice and the conditioning was after school and I could just take the activity bus home and my dad would never be the wiser, and then I found out that because I didn't know anything about sports, so I just figured that the meets or whatever would also be immediately after school, and so then they're like, oh yeah, the meet is tonight at like six or whatever I don't remember and I was like, oh well, I got to be home by six for dinner, that's like not gonna fly, and I was like, oh yes, I can't, I went to the coach and I, I was like, yeah, so here's the deal, I joined this team without my dad signing off on it, per se, and he doesn't let me do, but I'd really like to keep coming here and conditioning and working out and being part, and the coach is like, you can't be part of a team where you don't compete in the sport, like that's

0:34:16 Thomas: No, you don't say. Yeah right yeah yeah

0:34:46 Tom: Not how any of this works and

0:34:45 Thomas: Poor Tom was like hey can I just practice with you guys still, even though oh

0:34:48 Tom: I was like I just want to do all the grunt work, like that was the thing too is like I just like to do all the grump work and be a part of something, and no, what?

0:34:50 Thomas: God it's so sad Eli I know how you feel in this moment, for every story we tell that's so sad, that's sad and so you're

0:35:00 Eli: So, so sad by the way it was through the, if it makes you feel better, I don't know if this makes you feeling better, I

0:35:05 Thomas: Actually looking this up you're this is real, but

0:35:06 Tom: Are you looking

0:35:07 Eli: Did I look because I was like, am I crazy, no, so it wasn't through the high school, it was from the university, but the high schoolers got to do it for free.

0:35:07 Tom: Up your scuba team? Jesus Christ. About your childhood makes me angry.

0:35:18 Thomas: You just have to be an aristocrat or something, you have to like so you

0:35:22 Eli: You got their pool, and they put scuba I mean, look, I never did it, because what the fuck am I going to do that for?

0:35:27 Thomas: Have to live near a university. Okay. Yeah, I got you.

0:35:30 Eli: You have to live near one of them fancy learning institutions.

0:35:30 Tom: Yeah, that was where you were off, Thomas. Yeah.

0:35:30 Thomas: I don't I don't have that. Yeah. There's not a university within a hundred miles of where I lived. Actually, the closest one was the one I ended up going to University of the Pacific which not a bad school. Really?

0:35:43 Eli: You go. Did they have a scuba club?

0:35:46 Thomas: I doubt it. Anyway, back to soccer. This is this is the perfect.

0:35:49 Eli: Did they Have shoes? Were

0:35:50 Thomas: Yeah, this is a perfect

0:35:50 Eli: You allowed shoes?

0:35:51 Tom: Oh yeah, did you hydrate Arlo or did he wither up and turn to dust and die?

0:35:54 Thomas: So so the telling him that he's going to be faster thing worked like a fucking charm, and this is my new go-to with him with, I'm gonna have to come up with new elaborate lies for clothes. Oh no, you see that, that shirt that you fucking hate and won't wear, that'll make you, I don't know what, can you? Tall, yeah, there you go, taller. And so it's working, he's gotten the stuff, I, um, we got the shin guards, Lydia had already ordered those, now here's the thing, as I'm driving home, and again, I fucking, I fucking hate soccer. It's not my thing. And I still feel like as a sports dad, I should know these things. I should remember these things, but I fucking hate soccer and I didn't do it as a kid because I hated it. I realized on the drive home.

And by the way, of course, this took so fucking long trying to get him to pick the stuff that he wanted. I eventually got him to get shorts, a real pair of shoes for school.

And so of course we're late, we're fucking late again, we're, we're right, or rather we're right on time, we're just barely gonna make it, but I have to change them into all the shit so we're gonna be late, and I realized 10 minutes into that drive, I'm like, oh fuck, you're supposed to have these dumbass soccer socks that go over the shin guards, god damn it, so he's still gonna look that, like I got

0:36:07 Eli: Taller.

0:37:00 Tom: Oh

0:37:01 Thomas: 99 percent of it, but because he's just gonna have shin guards that don't have socks over them, that looks worse, like he'd actually look better with, with not shin guards that look, you know what I mean? Something about it.

0:37:01 Tom: My god.

0:37:12 Eli: No, no, know, the, the lack of socks, everyone's like, I forgot your soccer socks, but the fucking Moana shoes and whatever, the a bathing suit bottom, that's when they're like, oh my goodness, so when did you lose your job, a

0:37:19 Thomas: Yeah, no, that was, that was bad. You're not wrong. You're not wrong, but specifically on the shin guards, it was almost like, well, if he has the cleats but just doesn't wear skin guards, that might look better, but whatever. I forgot the socks, fuck it, whatever. They're, they're, fortunately they're shin guards that are way better than when you or I was a kid, and even though you wouldn't know this, and so they actually look kind of cool because they're not, you know, from the eighties and fucking bullshit. And so, uh, I get all the stuff on, I change him, that takes an hour in the car, but so he's pretty late, and by the way, what else do I have with me, everybody, a fucking water bottle baby, I

0:37:27 Tom: A

0:37:55 Eli: Water bottle dad of

0:37:55 Tom: Water bottle here

0:37:58 Thomas: Got what I, yep so even though he's five minutes late, that fucking sucked, but he's out there, he's got almost 99% of the gear except the fucking socks, and I got my water bottle, so I'm on the sidelines, I'm fucking, I'm, and because I picked him up early and did all that, I didn't have Phoebe, that made it a little, little easier, so I'm just, I'm engaged dad right now, I'm soccer dad, got him out there, run out there buddy, he runs out there first the way, once again, water break within 20 seconds of fucking starting, so I'm ready, I'm ready I got the water ready I'm like, come on buddy, all the kids, all the kid's run over, Arlo stays fucking put, it's stays, every other kid runs over for water, he stays put, I'm like, what, what is, does he not know, and so the first time I

0:37:58 Eli: The year, everybody

0:37:59 Tom: We go uh

0:38:25 Eli: You were ready here's

0:38:38 Tom: Oh

0:38:38 Thomas: Was like oh, maybe it's because we got here so late, and maybe Arlo was like, yeah, I know, I just got here, I don't, I don't need water, so I was, oh okay, that's weird, but like, he just stayed there with the coach, but okay, you know, maybe it's because we just got here, okay, five minutes later, next water break, I'm thinking okay, now he's gonna come over, he's definitely gonna come over because he made such a big deal of it last time, of course water break, every single kid runs over, and I see Arlo with the, the coach is like pointing like, hey, yeah, over there, you know, because, because they're pretty far away, Arlo stays with the coach, sits right by him, stays there, like, what the fuck?

This happens four more times. And so afterward, like, I'll skip for a moment, just this, out of the way. Afterward, I asked him, I'm like, buddy, what, why didn't, with this whole fucking thing? Of course, it's perfect kid. I was like, we made such a big deal about this last time, I brought the water bottle specifically, I was like, why didn't you go to the water breaks? Like, you didn't do a single one, the whole practice, there's like five of them, you didn't do a single one, he was just, I even took a picture to show you guys, it's just him sitting by the coach while every other kid in the world is running over to get water, I was like, buddy, what's going on, he's like, well, it takes too long, it's like, fucking, what,

0:38:38 Tom: Oh my god, that

0:39:45 Eli: Best

0:39:45 Thomas: That why, why, last week, why do we have to go through this, last week you've just decided oh my god, it's, it it's perfect it's perfectly perfect, he realized he was sick of having to, to go do another thing, and he alone out of every single child decided, no, I'm just gonna stay, I don't need water after all that last week, it's the perfect Arlo end of the story, yes yeah

0:39:45 Eli: Fuck

0:39:51 Tom: Is outstanding fuck you dad, that's why fuck you I don't

0:40:05 Eli: Yeah Arlo and I rehearsed so many times for that, and it's got, you know, we went over so many versions of the script, and the original, it's funny Tom, you said fuck you, the original script was just, fuck you dad, fuck you, and he said no, it's too broad, let's try and find something more subtle, um, but yeah, no, me and Remy, you're doing crying lessons now, uh, to really get that upper register, it's all, it's about the diaphragm

0:40:12 Thomas: Yeah

0:40:23 Tom: This is so great

0:40:24 Thomas: No feel that makes me feel better actually, that makes more sense, because this was a perfect comedy beat, it was perfect, I'm already at the water, like, I'm like, he's in a marathon, I'm gonna squirt, I'm ready, like, I'm ready with the fucking water to be a good dad. And he's like, eh, it just takes too long. I don't really want to do it. Think what happened was he sort of processed what happened last week and was like, well, that sucked. I didn't really need water. And I don't like having to go get it every time. And Arlo, if nothing else, he's the dude, he just, Arlo wants what he wants. He he very simple. Like he's He's like, this is the thing I like slightly better than the other thing. I will do that forever. That's been his mindset. Like he just, he likes what he likes. And I think he just said, I don't want to take the time. And so he'll, he'll probably die of thirst, by the way. He'll probably be fully dying of thirst and be like, eh, it just takes too long. I don't want to get water.

0:40:29 Eli: Yeah

0:40:42 Tom: No yeah you yeah turns out, turns out Thomas, Thomas, from experience, you can go a long time, like way longer than you think. Yeah, it's fine.

0:41:19 Thomas: Yeah. Says the, fucking the, husk of a leathery corpse that is Tom over there.

0:41:25 Tom: I messaged during the week list. I messaged Thomas like when I realized one day we had just recorded this episode. A couple of days later, I realized like, yeah, I had coffee this morning and it was like 10 o 'clock at night. And I was like, I think I'm probably gonna have some tea before bed. And there was nothing in between. Like I was Like, I'm gonna message Thomas. Like, Here I am. Feel fine. Feel great. Headaches. Maybe 20 ounces of water.

0:41:48 Thomas: Sure. Sure.

0:41:49 Tom: Just yeah. Feel fine.

0:41:49 Thomas: I think you're just riddled with, um, stones

0:41:52 Tom: Mostly made of kidney stones.

0:41:52 Thomas: That haven't. Yeah. There's going to be, when you shake Tom, you hear a rattling of kidney stones. It's just, yeah.

0:41:56 Eli: Tom,

0:41:53 Tom: Yeah. I mostly I'm actually mostly entirely composed out of kidney stone. So if you just cut me just pebbles.

0:42:02 Eli: If you hold still for a second, you fall asleep.

0:42:06 Thomas: That is true.

0:42:06 Tom: That's true. That is true. If If I stop moving too long,

0:42:10 Thomas: Which we thought was like a delightful, oh, he's a tired dad thing. No, it's a medical issue like you don't you need water dude

0:42:12 Eli: Run

0:42:14 Tom: I just fall asleep if I'm not in motion. Oh, I'm Thomas Neely. Tom, you need to sleep and drink water. You're barely alive. Whatever, guys. Whatever.

0:42:17 Thomas: Oh so Two more things on the soccer, um, because this was the life, I found that so funny, like, it was, I wasn't even mad, but it's fucking hilarious because it's the perfect Arlo comedy beat. He does, he does stuff like that. He has the perfect, exactly what Eli trains him to do. He's very good at taking notes from Eli, apparently.

0:42:45 Thomas: And so the other thing about soccer, he just decided this for some reason, all of a sudden, even though I got his nice new stuff, all that, he decided the other think he was doing, is all they're having him do at this point because they're tiny kids, is, hey, we've set up a cone over there and a cone, and it's a game, if you dribble, dribble your soccer ball over, and you collect, collect as many of these, like, rings that are on the cones as you can, and stuff like that, like little games for him.

0:42:44 Eli: With

0:43:10 Tom: And then if you hit the spikes, the rings go flying all over. I know this game. Yeah, yeah.

0:43:13 Thomas: Every single kid except Marlo is doing it. Arlou decides he's going to pick up the soccer ball, ball, and carry it over to the rings and grab the rings and then pick up the side. And I was like, all right, that's funny, dude. Funny bit. I tell him, buddy, kick the ball. Won't do it. Buddy, kick the ball. I talked to his coach, like, hey, can you just, it's fine to, you can be hard on him. Make him kick the, he's not kicking the ball, nope, he's just going to carry the ball, and you know why? Was like, yeah, it is too slow if you kick the, the ball, it's harder. You see.

0:43:44 Tom: I mean, he's got a great point.

0:43:45 Thomas: Yeah, it

0:43:45 Tom: Yeah, he has. He's got it. Great point.

0:43:46 Thomas: Is harder which is the fucking point of trying to learn. He's like, yeah, it's too slow. Yeah.

0:43:47 Tom: Yeah. Soccer is insane. Soccer is like, like the, the sports ball version of that fucking Irish like kick dancing shit where just for no reason you just decide, you know, it would be good is if I just didn't use the most versatile fucking limbs on my body to actually play this game. Like, like why we have like our arms are amazing. Like they're the best and they're just like, no, I'm just going to ignore it. Those are just really for flailing around. That's not for fuck soccer, fuck that nonsense he's got the right, thing yeah,

0:44:03 Thomas: You're not wrong you're not wrong but really gets me is how often that's my kid. There's one kid, there's... there's a gaggle of 20 children doing the fucking class, like humans doing the thing, drabling the ball, getting water, whatever, there's one kid not doing any of that and it's so often my kid. It, I'm just like, what are the odds? Is it just me?

0:44:36 Eli: Yeah, no, that I that I deeply, no, no, that I deeply, deeply empathize with is because with Max's preschool has one of those, like, we take photos and upload them to this app for the parents thing, and every photo, every video, the kids are like singing a little song or participating in activity and my son is just like carving a list of his enemies into the wall with a knife he got somewhere. Yeah, no, I, I feel it.

0:44:55 Thomas: Uh,

0:45:02 Eli: I feel it deeply.

0:45:02 Thomas: Final

0:44:59 Tom: Yeah, but see, our family doesn't even bother to go, like, the reason, the only difference between, is we're just like is there a thing at the school, yeah it's gonna be great, there's gonna, like you guys wanna go, cause we don't have to like, nah, we're not gonna do it either oh, thank God, thank God, I didn't wanna go on, alright, let's all stay home, let's not do that

0:45:03 Eli: Yeah.

0:45:07 Thomas: Oh boy. Your kids would have been the worst combination with my parents. Cause you all would have never left the house in the house. You'd open, someone would open the door and it'd be like a cocoon where everybody was just trapped in there forever. Cause my parents didn't want to to take me ever.

0:45:30 Eli: Just baking themselves fucking cakes, so

0:45:33 Thomas: And not drinking water. Yeah. Just as a whole.

0:45:35 Tom: Yes, yeah, that's all that would happen if they could just stay if these kids could just stay home and bake themselves cakes

0:45:38 Thomas: Yeah,

0:45:38 Eli: Dry haven't eaten anything but frosting for 24 days, it's fine

0:45:42 Thomas: Final

0:45:43 Tom: Eli, are you here? Do you live here? How do you, are you looking right now? What am I wearing?

0:45:49 Eli: Where do you think all the frosting goes?

0:45:52 Thomas: Delightful button on the story, although that is a spoiler. Here, so knowing my kids is now everybody does. I have told this very, I won't even say a lie, I've told a little bit of a fiction to get Arlo to do a thing, which is that he's going to be faster if he wears his shoes.

And uh, remember I have another child, another child who is uh, very keen on ruining Arlo's life all the time, and just, and and even when she doesn't mean to is just smart and isn't going to take any bullshit. And so I, I realized I was like, oh fuck, is Phoebe going to blow this for me? Is Phoobe going to be like, no, that doesn't make you fat? You know, I was dreading it.

So, but the first time comes along when Arlo could put on those shoes, first day of school that he is back or whatever, and I'm dreading it, I'm like, God, we're, I spent, first off, these shoes were not cheap, and I was like, if Phoebe says something and convinces him that these aren't magical fast power shoes I'm gonna be so fucking mad. And so uh, putting them on and Phoebe says, Arlo, are those the shoes that make you speedy?

You know, I'm like, oh here it comes, here it comes, and uh, to Phoebe's infinite credit, he's putting them on and she goes, oh, those are the shoes, Arlo, come on, I want to see you be speedy. It was so cute. It

0:46:59 Thomas: Was so adorable. She's like, Arlo, be speedy. And then he gets up and he does a little like silly run with his feet where he's like running in place like as fast as he can. And she was like, oh yeah, they're so fast. It was so cute. I was so afraid, but it was actually the cutest, most wholesome thing. Buddy, I want to see you be speedie.

0:46:59 Tom: Oh that's terrific I when the kids are super supportive of the other kids like, I think that's great. Yeah, that's awesome, that's awesome, we have Aislin, she's four years older than Eamon and actually likes to help Eamon with his homework a lot, so Eamon will bring over homework on the weekend, and like, you know, it's reading and like basic math and you know that kind of stuff, and Aislon is like, she's way better and way more patient at doing that, I'm like, alright, great, here you go, like, I'll outsource that shit to Aislyn, here you go you go ahead and

0:47:20 Thomas: Yeah.

0:47:21 Eli: Yeah. Yeah.

0:47:46 Thomas: Aislinn will actually actually offer a cup of water to your star of thirst child.

0:47:47 Tom: Yeah even if he doesn't get the answers right, right, even he gets water when she's tutoring, even if he doesn't get the answers right, which I think is bullshit so

0:47:56 Eli: Oh, yeah, no. And now you're going to tell me she wants him to have a new pair of shoes, too. Like, oh, God. Oh, gentlemen, before we go, did you know that Peruvian owls always hunt in pairs? It turns out that they're in cahoots. Inca. Inca

0:48:00 Tom: Inca

0:48:22 Thomas: Oh, thank you. Yep. I didn't get it. Was I primed for some sort of linguistic, like there, it was going to be a, a Spanish word for something. And so I lost it. Can you explain all the jokes to me, by the way? I don't, I didn'T get any of them.

0:48:23 Tom: Inca. Good.

0:48:31 Eli: No holiday of any any of the ones that

0:48:34 Thomas: Inca hoots. I like it.

0:48:34 Tom: Right.

0:48:39 Clip: Want to meet sexy DILFs in your area? Email the dads at DearOldDads.com or, better yet, send us a message on Patreon. You can follow us on all social media by checking the links in the show notes. And if you need more podcasts in your life, you can find Tom on Cognitive Dissonance, Thomas on Serious Inquiries Only, and Eli on Godawful Movies and all the Puzzle in the Thunderstorm shows. Dear Old Dads is edited and produced by my favorite DILF, Tom Smith, who also wrote and recorded the intro music, which is used with his permission. This podcast is a production of Daddy Issues LLC. Copyright 2022. All rights reserved.