February Vacation Post 3: How To Be Likable

Transcript

This transcript was generated automatically and may contain errors — the audio is the record.

0:00:01 Tom: On being likeable. Of us want, at least sometimes and in some situations, to be liked. In many circumstances in your life, the reality is that whether or not you are liked will differentiate one one person's success and opportunities from another's. In fact, the power of likability would be difficult to overstate. Likeable people have more and deeper personal connections, greater workplace success, and more romantic prospects and better overall relationships. Being likable can often be the unconscious deciding factor in getting a job over someone else in an interview, and how we are ranked, even in performance reviews. Likeable people are more likely to easily establish and maintain close personal friendships. Being vulnerable with you, both of which are key components to building trust and connections. Being lik able matters very much, and for some people it comes easily and naturally, but like most things that matter, some reflection on the topic can make us think about ourselves in ways that will better serve not only us, but those that we care about. Focusing on likability as a set of skills to cultivate is no exception to this rule.

Being likable is essential, and thankfully likability is not an inherent trait that you either possess or you don't. Rather, it is a series of skills and a mindset that you can learn and which will have a massively positive impact on your life. Be likable, the most important thing to keep in mind is that likable people are worth the liking.

Likeability comes from a genuine place, a place where others around you feel trusted and seen, and where you offer something meaningful in return for the time and attention of others. You cannot expect to be likabel for who you are if you do not take the a time to cultivate a self that appeals to others. This doesn't mean that you have to compromise your values or your identity, not at all.

What this does mean, however, is that being likable will require you to consider how you present yourself to others and what you offer in an interaction in order to be perceived positively. It means being attentive and genuine, but it also means being aware of how your thoughts, your moods, feelings, and attitudes impact others. It It means seeing others first before you work to be seen. First, remember the little things about other people. Possible, remember a few small details about people you meet or know.

Try to remember their food or their drink order, or maybe if they have an allergy or some other preference. If they frequently wear the same color, for instance, you now know something about their preferences. Once you know a few little things, you can start to think about other things. Way when appropriate.

For example, if last time you met someone, they ordered a gluten -free meal and you're meeting again for a meal, you can now choose a place that you know has gluten - free choices to make them comfortable. And you can make them feel seen in that by offering something like, "Oh, I actually think you'll really like this place. They have a great menu of options without gluten." Or on a smaller level, let's say you know someone has more of a tan than they usually do.

You can make them feel seen with something like, "Wow, you look like you've really gotten some sun lately. What have you been up to?" Or are they wearing a new piece of clothing or a piece of jewelry? Do they have a bandaid on their arm? Do they have calluses on their hands? They didn't have the last time you saw them. Do they perhaps have something like a new haircut? Offering an observation of a small detail as part of a conversation starter can change a generic interaction into something more meaningful and purposeful.

0:03:51 Tom: Always ask after them first. When you begin a conversation with someone, the first thing you should always do is ask after them first and be as specific as possible. Even in an established relationship, try to avoid leading with a story, a feeling, or an observation about yourself. This can be tough to do, but let me offer you a few examples.

If, for example, you know someone has recently been studying for an exam, a good starter to a conversation might be, hey, you've been working on that midterm all week. How are you holding up? Another example might be something like, haven't talked to you all week. You must have been swamped. How'd your test go? The point is to show people that the reason you are engaged with them is because you care about them. Giving others the first chance to speak builds trust that you are invested.

For formal relationships and when meeting new people, I like to think about a rough 70-30 rule where keep 70% or so of the conversation focused on them, if at all possible. For help with small things, even if you don't necessarily need it. It's a good general rule that people like to help others more than we think that they do. Do. Most people really want opportunities to be valuable and to offer their time and their service to those that they love.

Reciprocity can be a great way to build trust and to spend time with people, but sometimes you'll have to create those moments rather than wait for them to appear. Sometimes it can be useful to ask for help with something that is low stakes and simple, not because you really need the help to complete the task, but because by asking someone to help you, you are showing them that their contribution of time and energy is something that you value.

It just makes us all feel good to help those that we care about. And this is a useful thought to keep in mind in work settings as well. Asking for help with a small project or to troubleshoot a problem, even if you don't think you necessarily need it, creates a sense of partnership.

0:05:56 Tom: Manage the physical comfort of others. So whenever possible, take note of how others seem to feel. Is someone sweating or maybe pulling their coat tighter around them? Have you been out all day and haven't stopped to eat? Is someone starting to seem tired or moving more slowly or yawning, looking distracted perhaps? Take the time to notice the comfort of others and, when a read of the room and the situation allows, make an effort to keep or maintain their comfort. Keep your home at the right temperature for guests. Stop what you're doing to offer snacks or take breaks you might not need but that you sense others may prefer. Being uncomfortable physically makes people irritable, which reduces the chance of building connections. Helping to solve the discomfort of others makes people feel seen and appreciated.

0:06:47 Tom: Avoid asking for favors or raises or things along those lines around mealtimes or when you know people are uncomfortable. This is just a a really practical thing. Studies show that people are less generous and kind when they are hungry or uncomfortable. If you're in a position where you need to rely on someone else's largesse, it is a good idea not to burden them with your request for a favor when they are focused on their discomfort. Mistiming this can lead to people refocusing their discomfort on you or onto your ask. Instead, if you need to ask for a raise or a favor, make people as comfortable as possible before beginning that ask. They will appreciate the effort and you will likely see a greater reward.

0:07:33 Tom: If you're trying to curry favor with someone, extend your efforts one social level further than the person you are focused on. People are naturally drawn to those who are kind and helpful to those that they love. If you are building a friendship with someone including your efforts, their friends or family. Extending your care and efforts one level further not only broadens your social circle, but it tells the person you're building trust with that you see and value their other relationships.

0:08:05 Tom: Don't make excuses and be reliable. This one is fairly straightforward. A lot of relationship building can be undone quickly if you are flaky. If you're reliable, you're telling people that you value their time. When you are unreliable, you are communicating exactly the opposite, and you undermine a lot of your own efforts in this way.

0:08:27 Tom: Apologize when you're wrong. All of us make mistakes, but likable people own their mistakes and apologize for them. Apologizing doesn't cost you anything, and it lets people know that you are willing to see your errors and the impact those errors have had on others. When we make mistakes and apologize, this can be an opportunity to grow closer with someone, but only if we are willing and able to be vulnerable and admit those mistakes. However, it is also important not to over-apologize. Apologize when you mean it and when it matters. Don't apologize as a verbal tick or as a way to show deference to others.

0:09:07 Tom: Don't interrupt people. Seriously, everybody hates this. Just be an attentive listener.

0:09:15 Tom: If you tell a story after someone else, relate your story to theirs. Just like you shouldn't interrupt, don't be a story-topper. It is a terrific joy to talk and trade stories with people, but if someone is telling you a story, that is your cue to listen. It is not your turn to wait to speak. If the conversation naturally leads you to tell a story, acknowledge their story as part of how you transition in or out of your own story.

An easy example of this is just a short transitional phrase like, "Oh, that's nuts," or "sad," or "awesome," or "that had to be crazy or terrible," or something like that. "I once had something like that happened to me too." You can also do this in the reverse.

If you tell a story after someone, just in the natural flow of conversation, you can make sure that they still feel heard by ending your story with a reference to theirs, adding a phrase like, "which is why I thought about this when you told me about X. It just felt so similar. I can relate." The point is not to memorize phrases, but to remember that conversation is always about listening as much or more than it is about talking.

0:10:26 Tom: Keep track of important dates and ask after people. This too is simple. I suggest just using your phone. Keep a calendar to set reminders for things that you know are important to other people, such as birthdays, but also small things like a doctor's appointment that you know they're nervous about or a test you know, they've been studying for. You don't have to commit everything to memory in order to remember people. It's okay to put things in your phone. Make casual eye contact when listening. Don't stare hard into people's eyes, but if you want someone to feel heard, make casual eye contact. They will know you're focused on them when you literally focus on them. Also, lean in a little when listening if the conversation topics are intense or intimate. This shows interest and engagement.

0:11:15 Tom: Always stand to greet people. This is just such a small thing, but it makes a huge difference. When a guest comes to your home or someone enters the room for the first time, when you greet them, do not wave or stay seated. Stand and greet people.

0:11:33 Tom: Mimic small body gestures or turns of phrase. You'll hear this one in a lot of the sort of bro-hacked TED talk one simple thing kind of circles, and it is often just misunderstood and it's clumsily overused. What I have found, however, is that matching someone's rough mannerisms or style is not a manipulation so much as a natural vibe that two people will create together. If you're paying attention to someone and really listening to them, you will likely find that you pick up some of their little phrases or affectations or mannerisms when you speak with that person, and that is a good thing. Don't overthink this piece or try to be the other person. You can't build likability through inauthentic behavior.

0:12:17 Tom: Remember what they've told you and bring up their views in relevant conversations. This is similar to remembering the little things, but it's more conversationally directed. So let me give you an example. If last time you spoke with someone, they mentioned that they are a vegetarian for environmental reasons, you know that environmental issues are important to them. And so when it's appropriate, you can bring that topic up in a conversation, knowing that it's a topic they're interested in and passionate about.

Offering that tie-in during other conversations is a great way to build connections. It gives people an opportunity to talk about something you already know they're interested in. If you don't want to do a social something or other, don't lie about it or invent excuses. It's perfectly okay to turn down a social invitation if it's not something you want to do, but do so gently and honestly. Don't invent reasons. Now, conversely, be agreeable when the stakes are low.

For situations where the cost to you for being agreeable is low, you should err on the side of saying yes and going along with an activity or a suggestion. You might learn something about yourself in the process, but you will also find that agreeable people have more social opportunities and experiences. Don't be stingy with your time. Attend social events for the people rather than because the activity appeals to you.

There will be many times where you may be ambivalent about the activity your friends are interested in, but avoiding that activity reduces your social exposure. Thinking of the activity as a means to create social connections will make you happier and more likely to say yes to opportunities to socialize.

0:14:04 Tom: When it comes to meeting and interacting with new people and building new relationships, having an activity to gather around and experience together will take the pressure off of trying to constantly find new things to talk about and will give you time to gather your thoughts and your feelings. A shared activity is always the best icebreaker when meeting new people. Offer advice only if you know that it will be well received. Advice is something you should be cautious about providing. In many situations, advice is unwelcome or even inappropriate, and it can sometimes feel unintentionally judgmental. Advice given and taken within established, dear, and trusting relationships is invaluable. Be careful about offering advice if a read of the room doesn't seem like that's what's being asked of you.

0:14:55 Tom: Never loan anyone money. All the money you lend is a gift. Few things can hurt a relationship the way that money can. Always assume that any money you lent someone else, that was a gift. Conversely, assume that any money someone lends to you is a loan you should endeavor to repay.

0:15:15 Tom: If you find yourself in an argument, stop talking and begin listening more carefully. Arguing with others can damage your likability. Now that's not to say you should never argue, but if you find myself in an argument, try to take a step back and listen more carefully. When we listen and try to understand someone else's view, we are almost certainly going to feel more empathy, which tends to defuse tense situations.

0:15:41 Tom: Watch for cues that others are disengaging and allow them to exit. If you begin to see a lack of eye contact, over -the -shoulder glances at others, crossed arms, a step -back or a step away, or just other cues, gracefully end the conversation and allow the other person to leave the interaction. Don't physically corner people. Leaving an interaction might not have anything to do with you, so don't feel hurt. Sometimes people have their own reasons they need to leave a conversation, so let them.

Don't overshare. It's important to gauge the comfort of other people when deciding what to share about your life. Many topics, from sex to money to body functions to religion, can be sensitive or uncomfortable for some people, even if they are not uncomfortable for you. So be aware of what types of things others share before choosing to share sensitive details. If you're introducing a sensitive subject or topic, do so cautiously at first so you can watch how comfortable others seem with that topic.

If you sense discomfort or others don't engage or offer their own experiences or their own thoughts on that or a similar subject, avoid going down that road with them again until you are, again, confident it's appropriate. In a school or a business setting, don't directly contradict people. Instead, offer an alternative view by acknowledging the other person's thoughts with some version of, you know, another option to address that issue would be, this allows you to offer your view without minimizing someone else's contribution or belittling them.

At a restaurant, if you're sharing appetizers or other plates, if possible, be the first person to take the food and begin passing it. This relieves that awkward burden from others and it makes you seem both assertive and friendly.

0:17:40 Tom: Never take the best or last item from a plate of shared foods. Always offer the last and best piece to others. Don't make it awkward and if everyone else is following the same rule, it's okay to make a little joke out of taking that last piece. If you space out while someone is talking, don't try to fake your way back. Instead, just say, oh, I'm sorry, I missed that last part. Everyone spaces out. It's okay. Just don't try to pretend.

Sometimes we think we've spaced out, but our minds kind of archived what was said subconsciously. Sometimes if my mind drifted for a moment, I find that if I pause, I can and then repeat back what someone just said, which lets me sort of hear it again for the first time, and that lets me regain my place in the conversation. If you don't understand what someone is saying, don't pretend that you do or agree out of fear of being called out. Just ask them to rephrase it.

Say something like, wait, I'm not sure I caught that. It works wonderfully, and again, it's vulnerable and authentic. Don't pretend to understand or agree with things to avoid conflict. You can likably avoid conflict and still disagree, or ask for more details or clarification.

0:18:54 Tom: Now, I've spoken a lot here and elsewhere about the idea of reading the room. Reading the room is really just another way of saying that you understand the social vibe of a situation and the people that you're with. When you pay attention to people, you will learn to see their body language and facial expressions as something you intimately know, but of course I also have some suggestions on this as well. So here are my suggestions on how to read the room.

0:19:24 Tom: Pay attention to the volume of conversation and match the volume of the room. Don't be the loudest or quietest guy talking. Make note of body language. Are people fidgeting, checking their phones, clocks, watches? Are they standing comfortably and leaning in, or are they shifting back, sideways, and away from you or others? Try to see what's making them feel how, how they're behaving. Is there a physical cause? An awkward topic? An accidental overshare? People will tell you how they feel with their bodies as much as their words, so keep your eye on others. Also, what topics of conversation or jokes are on display? Reading the room is about understanding the unspoken rules of social engagement. If you feel like you're in doubt, no problem. Just follow the lead of others who are taking a decisive role in the room.

0:20:18 Tom: Look where others are looking to see where their attention is focused. If people are making eye contact with others while talking with you, that is a sign they are not engaged and to give them some room. If others seem focused on someone who's telling a story or a joke, don't try to redirect their attention. Follow the flow of those in the room by following their gaze. Is. Pay attention to where attention is being paid.

0:20:46 Tom: Finally, and I think most importantly, most social situations you're in won't be completely new. You're going to know people in the situation, and that knowledge should give you a leg up in understanding the read of the room. So pay attention to those people, and note any changes to normal behaviors in those you know. Are those people quieter than they normally would be? Are voices more terse? Are their answers more clipped? Do they seem more or less relaxed? Most of the idea of reading a room is spotting the comfort or discomfort of others. And the more attention you've paid to those that you socialize with, and the more you are in the habit of paying attention, the more easily you'll be able to spot changes which cue you into the mood of the situation.

0:21:35 Tom: You know, as I've written in this, I realize this may sound daunting, but really, most of being likable comes down to paying attention to others, to genuinely and authentically listening and seeing them, and to caring about what you learn about those experiences of other people. The more you keep this in mind, the more the guidelines will feel like second nature.